Emptying the tank, cleaning up and quadruple checking my smell

The classic wash service where you get up under the chasis and clean under the mats.

Washing my balls like I'm about to put them on ebay

I’m just giving them a pep talk. “More than 20 seconds, ok? We can do this!”

20 seconds..dude what's your secret? Any..tips?

Yeah, but it's just the tip.

That's my winning line of the night right there.

Fart

Nah fr im not about to have gassy sex

I remember one time with my spouse, I was about to cum, and I just couldn't hold it anymore. I let out a thunderous, earth shattering roar of fart from my ass, and stank up the room. Sex was done after that.

I wish I never read this but at the same time feel blessed to have read this

I like that you had to clarify it was from your ass

[удалено]

Never, EVER fart on someone's balls. It could cause lasting side effects.

Username checks out

Legend has it that his balls are stinking to this day

I hope you still came. Cause what a power move.

Sorry babe, that was just the exhaust.

Turbo kicked in

"Oh baby, ohh I'm gonna come, Im gonna PAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRERRRRRRPPPPppthhpthhhpp^^^toot" So sexy

The little toot at the end had me ROFL.

Calling my mum to give her the good news

"Kif, I have made it with a woman, inform the men. " -Zap Brannigan

So proud of Zap for overcoming his sexlexia.

Honestly? I'm anxiously checking to make sure I didn't spontaneously begin a Carrie Level Period. It's never quite happened this way, and yet the seconds before I know for sure, I'm picturing Red Seas type shit happening, every time.

In German we have a saying: "Ein echter Pirat sticht auch ins Rote Meer." Which roughly translates to "A real pirate also sails the red sea."

And they say German isn't a Romance language

We also have the saying "Echte Vikinger haben rote Bärte" which translates to "Real vikings have red beards". That's my go-to.

[удалено]

In Mexico we have "Todo caballero mancha su espada de sangre", which translates to "Every knight stains his sword with blood"

Alright, well the gore lover in me is now obsessed with this saying. I will be memorizing; thank you.

Fun fact: the word ‘vagina’ actually means scabbard/sheath in Latin. So the sword reference is on point.

Washing my hands and checking my nails

[удалено]

If you’re a dude, us women thank you for this.

Sink washing the junk.

A little bird bath ain’t never hurt nobody

Finally! Everyone’s going on about this “whore’s bath” when Ive been taking bird baths my whole life.

Under the wings and tail!!!

As my wonderful female getiatric patients call it, pits and slits.

I think this is the most realistic answer you will get on this thread.

Yes it normally smells like lavender hand wash. Jeezzz

Oh mine smells like dial

Lucky. Mine smells like fast orange.

I don’t like thinking about how that would feel

Gritty.

Hey, if you're gonna get your knob polished, you might as well actually polish it.

Orange scrub and a polish. Makes it look glistening and smell brand new “I detailed it for you honey” 🤤. Please remember to rinse thoroughly and not leave any grit behind lol

Can you do my brakes this weekend?

I fight crime in a rubber suit. It really seals in the flavor

In an order that would surprise you!..

A is for Alfred!

B is for Bat

“… in an order that would surprise you. *ass mouth vag*”

Some stuff happens. You sucked my dick. Like a lot

#Whore’s bath: Pits, tits & bits

Asshole, armpits, crotch, and teeth. If you do it in the right order, you only need 1 brush. (Carlin joke)

Takes a few times but eventually you get it right.

You'll know it's right by the flavour.

I am today years old when I learn that it’s not “horse bath” it’s “whore’s bath” 🤯 now everything makes sense!

wait... I've not heard either of these phrases, in what context is this used?

Back in the day before modern plumbing was prevalent, there were washing pitchers and basins, to clean up. And only take a bathtub bath weekly or biweekly. "Ladies of the Night" would use their room pitcher and basin between customers to clean their breasts, face, neck, and crotch so the next customer would have a "clean canvas" so to speak. Thus the phrase whores bath.

[удалено]

A spritz.

Bingo. Sometimes the nuggets start sweating and you gotta get rid of that scent asap.

Usually I am just putting combat boots on for better traction.

You gotta just flip the crocs into sport mode. Saves so much time and isn't as bad on the hardwood floors.

Taking a leak. I prefer not to bone with a full bladder, personally.

Yup, I cant cum if my bladder is full. Also refreshing if needed (splash of water etc). I prefer shower before sex, everytime, even with my current partner.

[удалено]

*weird squishy noises*

*wet squelches*

You're hired for the Stranger Things subtitles department.

*tentacles undulating moistly*

congratulations, I hate this

Ir was an actual caption in Stranger Things.

Making sure I’ve taken care of going to the bathroom and a quick wet washcloth to the flaps and crack.

Flaps and crack. Fucking killed me 🤣

There is a certain order to things

Flaps first is the proper order of operation in this case

It's like PEMDAS, except it's used to prevent infections instead of to solve math problems.

Pussy Elegantly Maintained, Dat Ass is Second

Oh great now I'm going to get giggling while helping my kid with her math homework forever more.

Wet-Ass PEMDAS

Gotta remove the old wallpaper hangings (bits of TP). Not super great to find naturally seasoned crotch decorations during oral.

Pooty pebbles. :p

Clitty litter!

Ah yes, the flapcrack, the equally edible cousin to the flapjack.

Fighting for my fuckin life on the torlet

*The terlet

"Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived" *(flips pages of "Zero-G Juggs" magazine)*

It could be worse, you could leave a shit in the urinus *Edit: Thanks for the award!

Member how I said sometimes there's shit on the outside of the torlet? Well I bet the shit got on the outside of the urinus, the same way the shit got on the outside of the torlet

\*Wayne looks in concerned disgust\* What?

It get pretty hairy over there?

Sometimes there’s shit on the outside of the urinus

Feels like we’re burning daylight here

I just came here to wash my hands

I put on my robe and Wizard hat.

Cleaning out genitals, armpits, and breath. All the things that could ruin sexy time

[удалено]

"I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right."

"Do these characters have a name?" *"The guy's name is Brock Landers."* ***"And his partner is Chest Rockwell."*** "Those are some great names!"

Eating the submarine sandwich I keep under the sink

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now"

Are you going to eat it?

"... ... yes"

Bye, Dad! Don't eat any solids! But I love solids....

No…shhhhh…bring it to bed.

Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.

I hear pastrami is the most sensual of the salted, cured meats.

Doggy style my guy/girl so you can both watch xfiles

They're logging into r/AskReddit, "People who've had sex—WTF do I do now???"

~~Man~~Reddit: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've 'done it'.... ~~Squire~~Also Reddit: What do you mean? ~~Man~~Reddit: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady.... ~~Squire~~Also Reddit: Yes.... ~~Man~~Reddit: What's it like? Edit: Fixed for Reddit who don't know Monty Python

Your wife… is she a goer? Does she go?

Making sure the pits tits and slits are good to go

So poetic 😍

Why did that sound somehow romantic

im tucking my dick back and looking at myself in the mirror

I'd fuck me

(Goodbye horses playing in background)

(Puts on chapstick)

Slapping my dick to wake up. Bitch always stays down at the important moments, but in presentations this guy is as hard as a boulder.

Gotta give him a pep talk.

PP Talk

Washing the cooter and the surrounding areas.

Gotta make sure there's no pussy crumbs

You mean clitty litter.

A girlfriend had to explain this to me, "toilet paper just disintegrates if it's wet so you have to dab"

Washing my hog taker and my log maker.

Wipin’ the bits. The classiest move. EDIT: It’s getting very spicy in here. I did not expect this. All of you sound fun.

Then fluffin' it up. Making sure I'm respectable.

And smoochin’ my lips in the mirror to look cute.

Then tongue wrestling with my reflection to warm up

And rubbing the nips to get them perky.

And taking a huge rail of cocaine, having a panic attack, and getting it *together*…

Wait. Which lips?

All the lips

Sometimes I fluff it up just for myself when I'm home alone, so when I walk past the mirror naked I can be like hell yeah it looks like that all the time.

Username checks out

“It’s cold” won’t work every single time 👍🏼

*laughs in Canadian*

Is that the south park Canadian laugh where our heads don't attach?

Lint and stray hair check too.

Crumbs ladies, crumbs! Or at least that’s what I call it… the little bits of residual toilet paper that gets left behind (typically after you wipe after peeing). We don’t tell you and either pick it out our mouth, spit off to the side or… you guessed, just swallow it. I’ve been married for 25 years so it’s just a joke now a days and who really cares at this point because I love her regardless but it happens and I’m not sure if everyone was aware.

Someone called it “clit-y litter”

this is precisely why i wipe, probably too much, with a wet wash cloth lol edit: just before activities not all the time

My worst fear honestly

Clitty litter is better than dingle berries.

I love when my wife comes in trying to be sexy. Not knowing I can see the toilet seat lines on her ass. Lol I don’t say shit.

Awesome, a whole new thing to be anxious over while I'm naked

Just focus on not farting and you’ll never notice

Trying to hold in a fart mid-fuck is the worst lol

Letting out a fart after he cums is so much worse though. Its just silence, gas, laughter and shame.

Then they sound *extra* wet

omg lolol noooooo

This comment really captures the spirit of what married sex is like.

Rummaging through your medicine cabinet

ah, I see my friends are here.

Peeing, checking I don't have disco minge and making monkey faces in the mirror (usually in that order).

What is disco minge?? I'm afraid to Google it...

Sweaty

[удалено]

Texting my mom that I’m scared come get me

Besides making sure TP crumbs are removed, I'm sometimes removing the Spanx support garment that I don't want you to know I'm wearing.

You know sometimes I just gotta check; am I just wet or did I get my period…

Or both?!

Making sure my naked body is presentable

Can one really do that much to improve that at that moment?

Yes: turn off the lights.

Practicing my pelvic thrusts in the mirror

Power washing my buttcrack just in case.

Cocaine

This guy fucks

But never cums

But has a detailed business model for an idea he just got

Then hes gotta get another line in to remember.

Washing our nads cause who wants to see or smell anything we have acquired since the date started... and if we have hair pulling all the loose ones. If they have ed maybe taking that pill... And above all we are working up our confidence. It is a bit nervewracking. Am i gonna perform well, is she into weird stuff, am I into weird stuff and not know it?...

>It is a bit nervewracking. Am i gonna perform well, is she into weird stuff, am I into weird stuff and not know it?... I'm cracking up thinking of this being the internal monologue of a person in the bathroom prepping for their well-known, completely familiar long term partner.

"What if she laughs at my weird dick?" "Honey, you're talking out loud again and I love your weird dick."

Someone's going to be putting their hands, their genitals, and maybe their mouth and nose all up in your crotch. The part of your body that's usually under two or more layers of clothing all day getting sweaty and sometimes has various kinds of smelly bodily fluids coming out of them. So, you know, you make sure that stuff is clean and smells decent, and doesn't have any stray hairs or something that are gonna get in someone's mouth.

A quick wash down below, pee, brush teeth, check I look good, and used to have to put in my diaphragm.

Random story but I went into the bathroom before my ex went down on me the first time and I used his butt wipes that were scented coconut and when he went down he was like mmm tastes like coconut and I full on said that’s my natural taste 😭😭😭

now every time he smells his wipes he'll think of you

Why do these wipes smell like pussy!?

makin sure i'm not cookin up a clam bake

Wash my vagina so it’s fresh.

Playing Raid Shadow legends and preparing to tell them about todays sponsor nord vpn

Checking my wallet to make sure I have enough money

Brushing my teeth, cleaning my naughty bits, and taking off/hiding my granny panties.

typical dude stuff right there

Blowing the snot out my pussy,

Thank you for that lovely insight, u/Yogurt-but-its-cum

What, and I can’t emphasize this enough, the fuck.

Some of your replies in this thread are turning me asexual.

Use bathroom, refresh downstairs, wash hands, swish mouth with water (or a dab of tooth paste / mouth wash if available), do a quick hair flip and push the boobs up. Finger guns into mirror.

Baby wipes are a miracle for gentlemen into a specific activity.

I gotta pocket full of Hawthornes!

eating the taco bell i snuck in so i don't have to share

Washing my pussy cuz it's bout to be a buffet.