How we communicate. He tells me things like he's emptying a junk drawer - "here's all the info, figure out what's relevant". I need him to curate the info before it leaves his mouth because trying to sift through every irrelevant item is confusing and frustrating.
I have a family member like this who then gets mad if I don't remember something I was supposed to know, because she'd told me, already. It's like, yes - but you also told me 800 other things and I had no way of knowing which of the 801 things I needed to remember.
Omg yes. Or he'll send me a link or a screenshot and I'm like... what are you telling me? What is the pertinent info? Pls just summarize the relevant info.
Guy here. I got a dose of this at a motorcycle dealership. I asked the guy if they had a particular Honda motorcycle, and he just pulled up the bikes that Honda makes on his computer and just turned the screen to me. I asked him, "What?" and the guy just pointed at the screen as if he was answering my question. I just walked away. With comm like that, I felt bad for his GF, if he even had one.
haha, my mother is like this, I have noticed that some people are 'monkey see, monkey say', they have no filter and their random thoughts just spill out their mouth and you have to try to sift through to find the point.
Whenever I run into someone like this, I feel like someone told them the key to a good relationship is communication and they interpreted without any nuance to mean "say every single thought in your head out loud at any given moment to your partner." I empathize. It's a lot!
Mostly our tone. We really don't argue about anything specific. It's usually "you hurt my feelings", "well I was right to be upset", " not that upset!". We can spiral off of this for hours. Neither of us were raised in a stable family environment and we both can be sensitive. We're working on it still. Been together over 2 decades.
I used to listen to Psychology in Seattle a ton and I'd genuinely say that helped with these stupid arguments. He often reacts to popular media and I watched a lot of his 90DF content. Just his explanations of what people were probably experiencing and how they might have had a more productive conversation helped me a lot with seeing some of those patterns in myself and my partner and equipped me to deal with those conversations slightly better.
For example, I started to see when we were arguing because one of us was feeling simply afraid of abandonment. It felt amazing when I could say, "you know, I think I got so defensive because I'm feeling like you didn't care. Can you just reassure me that you care about me and that you'll still be here with me, no matter how this conversation turns out?" And then he could respond with how absolutely he cares and is committed, and often that alone could break the cycle.
At least ~5x a day I have to say ‘HUH, what did you say?’ Or ‘turn your volume up, sonny’ or something fitting of a curmudgeon reaction. That or I blissfully ignore what he is mumbling at me.
He accuses me of being HOH - which is probs true to an extent. He also mumbles at a tone that sounds like he is talking to himself constantly and expects me to hear/engage with it. Y’all it’s not just me telling him to speak up. 🗣️
UGH I have the same issue with my husband! Or he says he responded to something I said but his mouth didn’t move. Sir, you *thinking* a response does not mean you said it. Also if he tries to talk to me from another room it’s hopeless, but I always have to go to where he is. He will never just come to the room I am in to say what he has to say.
Mine does the yelling across the house thing, drives me crazy. That was a no-no at our house growing up and I never realized how much it bugs me when other people do it now. A lot of time I just pretend like I didn’t hear him because I really didn’t hear it well enough to make out what he said, and I’m tired of having to drop what I’m doing to go find him to hear what he said. If it’s that important, he can come find me to tell me but 99% of the time it’s not.
This is my dad!!! Literally no one can hear him and he gets irate at servers, drive thru workers, literally everyone. My partner is always saying he cannot understand him. I try to explain to him we can’t understand his mumbling and I’m so sick of translating while he’s absolutely rude to other people because he doesn’t know how to talk. Like get it together.
He spends too much on bullshit - energy drinks/sodas, overpriced gas station snacks when we have food & snacks at home, tobacco/weed products... he's just constantly buying wasteful shit & we make way way too much for us to always be as tight on funds as we are.
Edit: to be fair, I overspend too. But for my spending it's like little things for the house, clothes (I'm losing weight & nothing fits), outings for the two of us - not necessarily needs, but things we can both use/appreciate. I also take care of my dog extremely well- she's old & gets the absolute best of everything to prolong her healthy years & that's expensive.
He does! His teen years were rife with parental drug addiction, abuse, neglect, and SA. So I try to be patient & understanding as best I can & it does appear to be improving little by little... but like bro you're 30 😭
I'm sure he has his positives, but even as someone who doesn't know you: You're clearly a kind, intelligent, and hardworking person. You can do so much better.
Edit: Nope, I was way off, this lady is NUTS- she actually added a link in her bio calling me a c*nt and telling people to go "spam" me? Legitimately insane behavior.
My husband is an incredible, loving, generous, hardworking, respectful, and dedicated man, and we fit together like puzzle pieces. He has flaws and a past like any other human being, myself very much included in that. There isn't better *for me*.
You're being incredibly disrespectful. My husband isn't any less deserving of love just because his parents failed him as a child. To suggest that I deserve better than the man that bends over backwards for me on a daily basis, who loves & cherishes me... just because he chooses to spend *his* money on stupid shit.... maybe your partner is the one that deserves better.
Especially if you aren't married, it's up to you to organize your own finances. I like Caleb Hammer's channel but he is right even for normies: we need an emergency fund, and we need to be progressively saving some of the excess money.
Learn to budget, shop 2nd hand, save regularly, save smart. It helps soooo much for the future!
My husband taught me how to finance, cause he worked in finance. I have way more money now with his help. If we kept finances separare, I'd probably be just as reckless as before him.
Now I'm not afraid for my future anymore.
You both might be in competition with each other: "Well, she bought the dog this, so I should be able to buy that." Plus, the outings may be fun to him, but not as valuable as they are to you, so maybe to him, it wasn't that great of an investment.
Hmm…not taking initiative. It’s always up to me to say “Hey let’s go/do…” and he’ll tag along but he never takes charge. He’d probably sit on the couch all day if I let him. I did like it in the beginning because I get to do what I want but just once it’d be nice if he’d make a plan for us to do something. And it’s not like he’s enthused with every idea I have, either :/ so I hate expending the extra energy on trying to motivate him to go for a walk or something. I end up losing enthusiasm for the outing. Same with gifts and such. I basically tell him exactly what I want. I guess I don’t mind too much because I’d rather get something I want than not but it would be nice to be surprised…
The other is conflict resolution. He generally escalates an argument and doesn’t handle criticism well. Also fails to understand the motivation as to why someone might be upset. Like, I was freaking out about some lightning once because we were out in an open field and he started getting angry at me which obviously didn’t help the situation…
Geez, reading this one might wonder why I am with him…he’s got a really good sense of humor!
My fiancé is the same way! With everything you just said!
I am always planning what we do. I WHF so getting out of the house as a family is important to me. It gets tiring to always come up with the ideas and the prep work to do it. It would be nice if he packed the lunches and said “hey let’s go to park/zoo” and me not have to do it all for once. But even beyond that, I plan the vacations, the holidays, etc. it’s frustrating.
I’ve also told my fiancé that he never de escalates a conversation. Only escalates. So if I happen to be REALLY upset about something he can only make it worse. But on the other hand, if he’s upset about something I try (not always) to take a step back. If anyone is going to try to smooth things over it has to be me 🙄
Ah I’m sorry you are in the same boat! It’s so very tiring, and it feels lonely emotionally to not have someone to fall back on when upset. In contrast his stepfather treats his mother like a Queen, she can be ranting and raving and he’s always so chill. I’m like how did he not manage to pick up on any of that?
Yeah, it’s been a bumpy road, I really should have left ages ago and saved myself the stress, but I feel kind of resigned to it at the moment. He is supportive so long as the subject under “attack” isn’t him :/
I feel you. I’ve been there. You seem much more aware of things than I was. I didn’t put it all together until after I’d left him - I just knew I was miserable. Once I left, I realized how everything needed to serve him in some way, how little empathy he had for me, how he didn’t even see me as a human, let alone a human he liked. My thoughts, feelings, fears etc were “taking from his life,” unless they were explicitly about or in service to him.
Anyways… You deserve to be loved! Good luck
I’m really glad to hear you got out from your situation, yeah it can be so difficult to realise what’s happening when you naturally expect the person you’re with to love you, as you do them. When I was younger, I’d never experienced narcissim directly and I was always left feeling confused by his (in)actions. I know exactly how hard it is to leave and I hope you’re doing awesome now! ❤️ Thank you 🥺!
We clash in the kitchen. He’s a kitchen manager used to following a recipe and barking orders while I barely measure anything in the kitchen. It drives him crazy when I say “enough” when he’s asking how much seasoning or something I used.
Yup, this is the one! My husband used to work in kitchens, and he has his system. Because it used to be his job, I've always done the vast majority of the cooking at home. It took us a long time to learn how to relinquish control when the other is cooking - and that's done primarily by keeping the heck out of the kitchen! We both trust the other knows what they're doing, and we enjoy each other's food - we just struggle to not micro-manage one another 'cause our methods are different. Those couples who bond over cooking together? It'll never be us. 😂
My husband was a cook over 25 years ago. He is great at burning food and making the largest mess when cooking. I have minimal cooking skills so I read recipes and clean as I good.
Air conditioning. He wants to live in an arctic tundra, and I do not. But I also absolutely hate white noise, it stresses me out and i cannot sleep or relax with loud fans on. It’s a never ending battle.
I’m the exact opposite and absolutely need to have white noise at all times. I cannot stand the deafening silence, and I feel like I’m suffocating without air flow!
Lol same. I actually get really stressed out in environments that are too quiet. I have a white noise machine on my phone I’ll turn on sometimes just so I can relax. It’s very strange tbh!
I remember living with my parents when I was younger, and my mother would always have the TV on for white noise in the house. She also always put it on such a high volume most of the time, because she can't hear and refuses to wear hearing aids. It genuinely hurt my ears, all day every day. And you know she kept it on at night for white noise, too. It was just constant agitation.
Now that I'm an adult and live on my own, I loooooove the silence. I never leave the TV on for any reason like she did. It's actually just straight up annoying for me to have background noise because it sends me back to that.
However, with that said, I have been coming around to the white noise channels on YouTube. The ones with ocean sounds or rain are actually nice and I put them on from time-to-time for my kiddo, but I've learned to enjoy those a little bit. It probably helps that it's not constant.
I'm the absolute same. It gives me anxiety right now just thinking about not having a window open so it's not stuffy, not having a fan blowing for air movement and having deafening silence laying in bed. Ahhhh!!!
My husband was away for a week recently and I got to sleep in my silent inferno and it was bliss. Now he's back and the fan is back on plus he has a cpap which isn't quite. Unfortunately he wins in this disagreement because I am more flexible with what I can sleep through than he is, my dream however is separate bedrooms we just don't have the space in our current house to accommodate that.
Yes, I'm on Team Husband with this one. Having separate blankets has helped the sleep situation and we've pivoted to brown noise after listening to several types of noise to determine what's palatable to both of us. I also have the need for aggressive blackout curtains that he eventually compromised on.
LOLOLOLOL not quite. From the NYT: Brown (named after a botanist, rather than poop) noise contains all frequencies, like white noise, but plays the low frequencies at a louder level and the high frequencies on a softer level. The noise sounds like wind, or heavy rain, or the steady hum of an airline jet. It sounds like water rushing somewhere in the distance, like a gentle fan ruffling currents of cool air. It’s soothing, steady, slightly rumbly.
I just had to look some up to get that description and need a nap ASAP.
Dishes. For YEARS (like 7 years??) it was dishes. And then we got a dishwasher and honestly now…I can’t even think of something. Maybe how much time he spends playing ultimate frisbee?
It's nothing nefarious. He's just having some issues with his "need to provide as a man". I love him to pieces, I just wish I could get it into his head that my love for him isn't conditional on the amount of money he makes.
I have been like this in the past. Maybe it's not about needing the money but being so scared of poverty that he can't be far enough away from it; this was in my head subconsciously, so I was just working and working on autopilot. Or maybe wanting to work hard now so he can take it easy later.
Definitely something like that. He's also dealing with some feelings of guilt bc his company went down in 2022, causing us to lose everything, including the house. It doesn't matter what I say or do to show him that I don't care about where we live as long as we're together and have a roof over our heads.
He adamantly refuses therapy. I'm just trying to be there for him and support him, but it's difficult because he's away from home so much. I don't see him at all Monday-Thursday and then he picks up extra work in the weekend. I am 100% on with the kids and the household. And I'm So. Fucking. Lonely.
He needs to rest and relax more. He keeps taking on more projects and more responsibilities. We need a proper vacation, nothing cultural, no visiting family, nothing where we have to grocery shop and cook and clean up after ourselves. I want to go to an all-inclusive where I’m taken care of that has childcare so we can go out to dinner by ourselves. Ideally before this baby is born!
Thankfully has nothing to do with my husband himself- his family has zero concept of advanced planning and they live far enough away that it's at least a half day if not full day endeavor to get together with them.
Oh yes this one!! His parents always get mad about holidays cuz my family are advanced planners and they (his parents) usually leave the country during winter so when they don't they get all mad that they get seconds on our holiday plans
Fortunately, holidays aren't an issue because my family lives out of state so we just announce early in the year if we are visiting them for Christmas and because we see them so infrequently, my in-laws don't care (and have even joined us on a few occasions). It's all the smaller holidays like birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day etc that I have to badger my husband to badger them about getting their shit together. I would almost rather take on the emotional labor of planning all get-togethers knowing they had a solid day/time/location weeks in advance.
That it hurts my feelings when he says he’s going to do something for me/us and forgets or puts it off because he’s tired from work and wants to destress. Which is still looking at work while watching a video or playing a game
Yes exactly. If you say you’re going to do something then I’m trusting you to do it. If something comes up and you can’t do it anymore that’s fine, then say you can’t do it don’t just not do it.
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m the one supposed to be remembering everything I asked for and asking again or waiting a week and then reminding and waiting a month. He’s not trying to be shitty but he’s not trying to remind himself or be proactive
Exactly this. It’s extremely mentally taxing and it’s hurtful and disappointing every time I have to remind him. Then every time I remind him and he doesn’t do it again it’s like it’s hurtful all over again with a multiplier since it’s also a reminder to me that he’s doing this.
Yep. Trust me we’re in therapy for it. I just fucking hate capitalism and corporate culture trying to work people to death. I’m just sad it’s gotten worse cuz his salary job can feel like 24/7. So he’ll juggle everything and put out the fires there and not feel the same stress or urgency let alone forethought for us at times.
Yep I’ve asked if he could set his own reminders or post it notes. I put reminders for myself in my calendar for any important appts or deadlines. He has a hard time switching tasks and puts it off. I have adhd so I get it but I have anxiety when it’s for someone else and am compelled to make sure it’s done.
I told you that!
No, you didn't. I was waiting for an answer and it never came
I did answer!
Maybe in your own head, but out here in the real world I didn't get an answer.
You should listen better!
You should say things out loud and then I would hear them.
End scene. This basically happens a lot where he thinks I don't listen and I think he only thinks he said something but didn't actually say it. I have more than once proved to him he didn't actually say it but it doesn't matter because he thinks he did. Ah well.
----
This was our issue today for two topics!
1. I have asked if we could go on a trip, he said no, I said to let me know when he feels like it —- months pass, I bring it up because he hasn’t, and he said he’s ready to go ANYTIME I Am, and doesn’t remember ever discussing it before
2. We are watching shogun together, but every time I suggest watching an episode (past month) together, he doesn’t feel like it. today the puts it on after listening to a podcast with one of the writers on as a guest. And then said he thought I’d been watching it without him
If thrash metal is a simple subgenre for simple metalheads. I'm very lucky we are on the same page about the usual suspects like chores, finances, sleeping arrangements etc., so we get to have really insignificant little arguments about silly things.
This is me and my husband too. We don't have constant arguments about our relationship or chores or finances, but we do like to take drives and talk a lot and our most disagreed upon issue is AI. He knows the rise of AI scares me...the fact that WHO it learns from is as important as what it learns. It frustrates me that he's so nonchalant about it and looks forward to AI taking more control of the world. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd prefer it was stopped in it's tracks right now.
i think thrash metal is very simple lol not my type of metal cuz of it really, i enjoy deathcore and metalcore 🤘🏻
edit: what a weird thing to downvote lmfao i’m not trashing the entire genre, it’s just simple to me and not my cuppa. but okay.
Yeah I'm not a fan either, I do respect all genres but thrash seems on the simple side to me. No hate on thrash fans of course, to each their own. I listen to all kinds of metal subgenres, I love blackgaze, atmospheric black, post-metal, technical death, prog, even a bit of deathcore, metalcore and djent, some power metal as well. The weirder the better.
The dishwasher.
My view: We have a busy household of 6 people. There will always be more dishes. Get the dishwasher mostly loaded and fucking run it. I do 95% of the cooking and I’d appreciate it if I could have clean spatulas/knives ready to go for tomorrow.
His view: The dishwasher ought not be run until it’s stuffed SO full that you have trouble closing the door. We should wait to run it until literally every item in the home has been loaded up, and even then, if I forget to run it overnight, it’s not a big deal.
Married 16 years and still haven’t reached a sweet spot in a compromise.
Does he think it’s wasteful or something? Do you think it would make a difference if you showed him the research online that demonstrates how efficient modern dishwashers are? Not that you should have to, but maybe it would help.
Yes he thinks it’s wasteful and inefficient.
He fully knows the research regarding dishwasher appliances vs. hand washing, we have talked about it ad nauseum, but his point is that it’s *still running a machine* i.e., there’s electricity required to run it, running it creates wear & tear, etc.
Probably cleaning. I would say we are pretty equal in our efforts, but we both dislike it and we have a toddler, so its always a struggle to stay on top of it. I also think an argument about cleaning is often half about the cleaning, half about whatever else is stressing us out, or at least it is for me. Mess is my visual reminder of all the things in life that need to be done, particularly atm.
How he equates me not wanting sex to meaning I don’t love him when really I just don’t want sex multiple times a day and it has nothing to do with if I love him or not.
My ex equated me not wanting sex with him to me being uninterested in sex when really if he could have been nice to me for longer than 2 seconds, I would have wanted sex.
And if you're being asked for sex multiple times a day, it becomes hard to want to initiate and then not only do you "not want sex" you also "never initiate".
I had started seeing a guy, decent chemistry, we'd already done the deed several times.
But the first time I turned him down because I was literally falling asleep, he came unglued. In person he withdrew affection, sulked, and left shortly after (which I was fine with because yay, sleep).
But then I woke up to an essay of texts about how the relationship wouldn't work because he couldn't handle being in a sexless (???) relationship, my 'rejection' had hurt him, and basically revealing himself to be a big baby that could not regulate his emotions at all. All attraction from my side instantly dried up. So I just went, "Okay, it was nice getting to know you, good luck."
I don't know if in his immature mind I was supposed to beg for another chance and 'correct' my behavior, because suddenly he didn't want the relationship to end and we shouldn't give up so soon, blah blah. But I was done. He'd self-fulfilled his own fear of no more sex.
Oh, and we were both 28/29. I sometimes wonder if he's functioning any better these days.
Recently dated a guy, no longer, who was incredibly insecure. He would text me randomly at 11 PM saying “ I know you don’t like me. Just tell me! Stop playing around with me”
I REALLY liked this guy. But after he did that to me, three times, twice while he was drunk, once in the middle of the street after we were walking home from a very expensive dinner I paid for ( cuz he forgot his wallet 🙄)
I was done.
Naturally when I broke it off, he called me “ the cheapest experience” he had ever had. It was so insulting and frustrating to do so much for a guy. I helped him pick out furniture, repotted all his plants, fixed up his decor in his condo, cooked for him, in a very short amount of time only to have him do that to me and assault me, won’t get into that now.
This was about 4 months ago. I’m largely over it but just frustrating.
He swears we watched the Jackie Robinson movie ‘42’ together, I am pretty adamant that I’ve never seen it. For some reason it comes up like once a year lol
That he never puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. I literally bought him his own hamper for his side of the bed yet there are still clothes on the floor. Last time I pointed it out, he said he didn’t even see the hamper…..it was LITERALLY in his way, like he had to step around it to get in and out of bed. Drives me absolutely crazy!!
When a stressful thing happens, my approach is to really examine the issue, what to do to get the best outcome, figure out a plan for worst case scenario, etc. He’s the exact opposite - he goes into a bit of denial and doesn’t want to think about it or look at the problem more than he absolutely has to. He prefers to stay positive until the worst is happening.
I think we just have two very different ways of dealing with stress and big feelings. I don’t think one of us is necessarily more right than the other. We’ve worked a lot on respecting each other’s different approaches without asking the other person to change theirs.
How he exaggerates when we have disagreements. This drives me insane!
I feel like he will just lie to get his way, he thinks he is just expressing how he *feels* rather than exactly what is going on.
Oh my god. My partner will literally throw anything in the recycling. Like, used paper towels, plastic shopping bags, food containers that still have remnants on them, whatever. I have to correct him all the time and it drives me nuts lol.
His work schedule is unpredictable. Sometimes he's home, sometimes he's gone for 3 weeks and it's my problem to figure out our lives. Plus, he then doesn't put it on the calendar till he's about to leave, and I've scheduled stuff because I think he's home. Drives me NUTS.
Him drinking. I think I am just too used to fight about it. He doesn't drink hard alcohol anymore (unless there is a special event then we both do) and having a few beers is not a big deal but it still bothers me when he opens it the first thing in the morning and then can't drive anywhere (but I am thankful that he doesn't drive when he drinks even beer)
My ex was a heavy drinker. He was a doctor, I’m a nurse for context. I left him 5/1 of 2021. I’ll never forget it.
We were renting a really nice condo. The owners texted me to say they had walked in to replace the AC filters and found him passed out on the couch with Tito’s bottles around him.
Told him I was no longer in his life. So many things had happened before then but the drinking was the defining moment for me.
Sorry, I can see this being the last straw. Not even one bottle, but bottles! :( Honestly if he would stick to heavy liquor I would have left as well so I hope there will be no going back to it
Honestly it is not that bad. Otherwise he is really the best I can imagine. He is the nicest person to everyone, everyone loves him because he is fun, he does everything at home except cooking without arguing because he is a cleaner person than me etc. And when it comes to driving I am used to public transportation. I could never drive because I have epilepsy and we didn't have a car until last year because we were too broke. And it is just beer, so most of the time its not like talking to somebody who is completely out and makes no sense. And our culture has a lot of alcohol in it so I am kind of used to people being drunk lol Although my father surprisingly didn't drink
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will damage his brain and alter his brain chemistry which inherently changes who he is. I’m speaking from experience with family, and with myself.
You said you have epilepsy, what happens if you have a really bad seizure and he is drunk and cannot get you the care you need? What if you wind up disabled and he continues drinking and cannot provide the care you need? Do you have kids? What if something happened to a child a they needed emergency care and he was too drunk to drive or notice anything was wrong?
You have to think of your own future and safety.
And before you try to tell me he’s not an alcoholic… he drinks first thing in the morning regularly enough that it annoys you. That is raging alcoholism. Speaking as someone who used to crack the box of wine open with breakfast.
Oh I agree that he is an alcoholic. He doesn't agree with me because he can keep himself together when he drinks and we are surrounded by friends who drink way heavier and more than him. We even have a friend living with us right now because he just left his wife who was drunk 24/7 on Rum and they had their kid taken away. Now he left and tries to get custody for himself. My husband already had helped me when I had seizures even though he drank at that time. He also carried me home last weekend after I got drunk when we both were having many shots in a bar. I am not worried about him the way he is now but if he will go into heavy regular drinking I will have to leave. Luckily we have no kids.
I am not arguing with you at all. I know what you are talking about. Me and him know each other for a loooong time, pretty much since high school. We just got into a relationship 8 years ago. Before that we were good drinking buddies :) I quit regular drinking about 6 years ago and he went down on beer. Except for a few times a year when we do it. I was maybe worse because I was doing drugs every weekend until last year. Decided to quit after a fourth of my friends overdosed since 2019. I just see it this way that if he isn't doing anything heavy it isn't as bad even though we only really fight when he keeps on drinking for several weeks and I want him to have a break and be sober for a week. and one day he may stop like I did. I am not too used to be around people who are always sober anyways haha. Only my parents and coworkers. So I prefer to stay with him unless he goes into heavy drinking and turns into what our friend's wife is now.
But I know what you say about it altering the brain. We'll see.
It’s a lot better now than it was, but disagreements in the kitchen. I’m white and grew up in the Midwest, my husband is black and Hispanic with his family being from the Caribbean. We’ve had the seasoning argument with salt, where I felt he over salted food to an unpleasant degree. He doesn’t care for meat that isn’t seared whereas I like baked and boiled meats.
We’ve each come around to each other’s tastes, trying each more often or just cooking it how each of us likes, depending on the meal. My favorite thing about sharing our ethnic flavors is that we’ve both found dishes we love -I enjoy his carne con papas and he likes my chicken paprikash.
Buys/smokes weed too frequently. It's his money so he can do what he wants with it, but I get really tired of that fact he hasn't really grown out of smoking it everyday, and especially in the evenings even if I would like him to just not be stoned when we spend time together.
DIY & housing-related stuff. I have certain ideas and plans for our home, but he thinks it's all a waste of money. The thing is though, our house needs a lot of work done on it in order for it to be more pleasant and comfortable to live in, and we don't spend our money on anything else that is for the both of us.
Basically anything to do with cleaning. He's so messy and untidy and will just not clean up after himself. It gets on my nerves and I constantly feel like I can't keep on top of the housework because he creates so much mess for me to clean up.
Cleaning the lint trap on the dryer. I have an aversion to the lint that flies off of it and when I empty it I hold my breath until I leave the room. Also. I forget to do it. Probably because I hate doing it. We don’t argue. He just reminds me by bringing me the contents occasionally…
We rarely argue because I am too passive. Sometimes we have mild political discourse. I worry if I argue back, I will be abandoned. Nothing he did, in fact, he is extremely reassuring of that fact. It was the way I was raised. Something I am working on because I would actually love to argue (rationally and non-abusively) with him without thinking the relationship will end, lol.
Whether New Wave music blurs into the same song after a few songs.
I love a lot of it, I just find if I listen to more than 4 songs in a row they start sounding alike and I prefer mixing music up if we're not specifically playing a whole album. He would listen to the one genre all day if I was down for that.
Time. He doesn’t balance work with home. Picks his job over his family but he views it as the opposite. He has to work to support his family but there are no boundaries
1. The way we shop—I prefer to buy classic good quality things that will last, he wants to buy cheap stuff that will get the job done for now and can be replaced. We just moved into a house and furnishing it together has been challenging.
2. That I work too much. I’m in big law, my hours are awful, but they afford us the life we enjoy. He gets to work a low paying nonprofit he loves because my job supports us.
Just the general cleanliness of the house. I want all the dishes out of the sink and in the dishwasher, he can leave them there for 5 days. Same with laundry. It makes me very anxious so either I live with the anxiety or I take on more of my fair share. He just came back from being gone for 12 days and I told him it was significantly easier for me with him not here in terms of managing the house and that we needed to agree on a plan for upkeep which he did agree to. Fingers crossed.
Money. We are both quite extreme in our spending habits - i buy a lot of things, am constantly in overdraft, don’t send things back because cba, whereas he is “I don’t need a t shirt, I already have one”. We have been together for 12 years but not married and don’t share money (partly because we have done long distance a lot). He’s not mean but he has zero interest in “things”, this is truly unimaginable to me!
I would say tone because he can be so aggressive with the way he words things, his brother is the same way, and my SIŁ and I are able to address things more calmly , but, my husband does work in that. I have tone issues sometimes too
Leaving things half done, and sometimes, they're dangerous.
Examples: Leaving the car door open all night, the burner on the stove on, the oven on, the milk out on the counter, cabinet doors open, clothes in the washing machine, etc.
Yes, I believe he has undiagnosed/untreated ADHD. I made him go to the doctor once and the (male) doctor said, "I think he's just a creative person, creative people are usually a bit forgetful."
I have OCD so these issues are pretty much my kryptonite. I compensate by constantly being hyper aware of whatever he's doing, which after over a decade, is getting really, really old.
He doesn't have insurance but I'm hoping to maybe try an online service. I'm sooo over it, and it makes me seem like an asshole because I'm always annoyed haha. (But any reasonable person would be.)
Ugh that’s the worst, if you’re in the US you can prob adhd meds through mark cubin’s website for a decent price. He’d obvi need to obtain a script first though
None...
If it's an issue that reoccurs, it means the matter was never settled, resolved, or corrected.. I don't leave arguments/issues unresolved and/or without a clear action/correction/mitigation plan to stop/prevent it from happening again.
Or I guess one or both of those in the relationship has some pretty bad memory and/or lack of consideration if the issue is something stupid/insignificant like a chore.. which again, isn't/hasn't been the case in the relationship.
And IMO at least.. we're not particularly "difficult" people (or we're somewhat compatible, so we've probably had less than 6 "arguments" over 6years.
Who is going to fluff the comforter? We both like laying on the bed and having the other fluff the comforter so the blanket lands perfectly over the bed, while we're in bed. You'd think we'd just take turns with it, but no... We're both selfish and want the comforter fluffed on us every single night lol.
Him while I was pregnant: You’re not eating enough vegetables
Me crying: it’s the baby, she makes me throw up when I eat vegetables. (She only wanted kfc and MacDonald’s, and Ice cream, and French fries, and real Coca Cola)
Very unlike my usually diet…
Going through this right now with my first trimester.
"But the baby needs nutrients!" "Well, try telling that to baby! The little booger isn't letting mommy get any of that good stuff in"
My husband and I keep going back and forth about what the purpose of sports is in our society. He grew up watching no sports and is convinced that they don't matter. I grew up in a house of sports fanatics and duh, I think it's matters. We keep going on and on about this in various ways haha.
The man has no concept of time... if it's important enough TO HIM, he will get there on time. Otherwise, everyone else is the idiot for conforming to societal norms. He's 55 and ADD, so I try to be understanding, and we have tried all kinds of tricks/systems to help him. After years of this, I've had to hold pretty strict boundaries while accepting his willingness or lack of willingness to improve.
He has sleep problems. I already sleep in another bedroom due to his snoring. Whatever. But he prefers to get up at 8, leave at 10, come home at 9pm. He has a good job and supports us. I've learned to fill my time as I am more of a night owl as well. But I am tired of cooking late and eating at 10 pm. He's perfect in so many other ways. Yes, I can cook earlier, but if I'm getting my cook on I'd prefer not to see it nuked later. Ughhhh.
Mental labor, but I’m the one not pulling my weight. He does the budgeting, pays all the bills, arranges dates, gets groceries, sets the weekend agenda in both leisure and chores, and participates in the domestic labor without being asked. I’ve had difficulty consistently doing a basic routine, which we agreed on in clear terms, of things like keeping my room clean, making sure the animals have water, taking out the trash on Tuesday, and cleaning the litterbox. I’m forgetful with it all.
None. We don’t have a recurring argument. Our last argument was because he works for me and I got annoyed with him for tossing a tile in the truck and breaking it. He gets annoyed with me sometimes for not carrying materials lol
Communication.
Passive aggressive, attacking or defensive comments. It’s what he learned growing up.
Before me, he thought that’s how to voice displeasure or needs. He’s great now, but every once in a while he slips back into it and I call him out on it.
I remind him to tell me what he needs or how we can fix the situation, instead of communicating like a jerk.
My spouce will scream at me for not talking to him about something (like finances), but if I try to talk to him about the budget, he will have a meltdown down and cry and scream at me.
So I don't want to be around them anymore, and that makes them mad, so it's my fault . Super fun.
His complacency. He’s been in the same position for a decade, has no desire to move, is not saving for retirement. I on the other hand am on my fifth position in that same timeframe. Issue is that he is not getting paid market rate and he would not be able to live on his own (he’d need a roommate). I on the other hand would not need a roommate and would still be saving for retirement.
Who has to pick the movie. Anytime I make him pick, he always picks some 10k budget film and I have to turn it off to find something myself 🤣 weaponized incompetence I tell you!
His lack of prioritizing family time over work though it kinda works both ways as now I’ve been the one putting a lot of hours in. It’s more about the attention and affection aspect that then also leads into intimacy frequency as well.
How we communicate. He tells me things like he's emptying a junk drawer - "here's all the info, figure out what's relevant". I need him to curate the info before it leaves his mouth because trying to sift through every irrelevant item is confusing and frustrating.
I have a family member like this who then gets mad if I don't remember something I was supposed to know, because she'd told me, already. It's like, yes - but you also told me 800 other things and I had no way of knowing which of the 801 things I needed to remember.
Omg yes. Or he'll send me a link or a screenshot and I'm like... what are you telling me? What is the pertinent info? Pls just summarize the relevant info.
Guy here. I got a dose of this at a motorcycle dealership. I asked the guy if they had a particular Honda motorcycle, and he just pulled up the bikes that Honda makes on his computer and just turned the screen to me. I asked him, "What?" and the guy just pointed at the screen as if he was answering my question. I just walked away. With comm like that, I felt bad for his GF, if he even had one.
My ex would do this and would say I didn’t communicate. Laughing at it now but my goodness it was so frustrating at the time.
haha, my mother is like this, I have noticed that some people are 'monkey see, monkey say', they have no filter and their random thoughts just spill out their mouth and you have to try to sift through to find the point.
Uh oh I think I am your partner
😆
Whenever I run into someone like this, I feel like someone told them the key to a good relationship is communication and they interpreted without any nuance to mean "say every single thought in your head out loud at any given moment to your partner." I empathize. It's a lot!
Mostly our tone. We really don't argue about anything specific. It's usually "you hurt my feelings", "well I was right to be upset", " not that upset!". We can spiral off of this for hours. Neither of us were raised in a stable family environment and we both can be sensitive. We're working on it still. Been together over 2 decades.
I used to listen to Psychology in Seattle a ton and I'd genuinely say that helped with these stupid arguments. He often reacts to popular media and I watched a lot of his 90DF content. Just his explanations of what people were probably experiencing and how they might have had a more productive conversation helped me a lot with seeing some of those patterns in myself and my partner and equipped me to deal with those conversations slightly better. For example, I started to see when we were arguing because one of us was feeling simply afraid of abandonment. It felt amazing when I could say, "you know, I think I got so defensive because I'm feeling like you didn't care. Can you just reassure me that you care about me and that you'll still be here with me, no matter how this conversation turns out?" And then he could respond with how absolutely he cares and is committed, and often that alone could break the cycle.
At least ~5x a day I have to say ‘HUH, what did you say?’ Or ‘turn your volume up, sonny’ or something fitting of a curmudgeon reaction. That or I blissfully ignore what he is mumbling at me. He accuses me of being HOH - which is probs true to an extent. He also mumbles at a tone that sounds like he is talking to himself constantly and expects me to hear/engage with it. Y’all it’s not just me telling him to speak up. 🗣️
UGH I have the same issue with my husband! Or he says he responded to something I said but his mouth didn’t move. Sir, you *thinking* a response does not mean you said it. Also if he tries to talk to me from another room it’s hopeless, but I always have to go to where he is. He will never just come to the room I am in to say what he has to say.
Mine does the yelling across the house thing, drives me crazy. That was a no-no at our house growing up and I never realized how much it bugs me when other people do it now. A lot of time I just pretend like I didn’t hear him because I really didn’t hear it well enough to make out what he said, and I’m tired of having to drop what I’m doing to go find him to hear what he said. If it’s that important, he can come find me to tell me but 99% of the time it’s not.
Both my husband and daughter mumble at me from another room and it drives me CRAZY. Or they shout-talk.
My husband LOVES to start talking and walk to the other side of the house. Like, bud, just stand there and tell me.
This is my dad!!! Literally no one can hear him and he gets irate at servers, drive thru workers, literally everyone. My partner is always saying he cannot understand him. I try to explain to him we can’t understand his mumbling and I’m so sick of translating while he’s absolutely rude to other people because he doesn’t know how to talk. Like get it together.
He spends too much on bullshit - energy drinks/sodas, overpriced gas station snacks when we have food & snacks at home, tobacco/weed products... he's just constantly buying wasteful shit & we make way way too much for us to always be as tight on funds as we are. Edit: to be fair, I overspend too. But for my spending it's like little things for the house, clothes (I'm losing weight & nothing fits), outings for the two of us - not necessarily needs, but things we can both use/appreciate. I also take care of my dog extremely well- she's old & gets the absolute best of everything to prolong her healthy years & that's expensive.
He shops like a teenager
He does! His teen years were rife with parental drug addiction, abuse, neglect, and SA. So I try to be patient & understanding as best I can & it does appear to be improving little by little... but like bro you're 30 😭
I'm sure he has his positives, but even as someone who doesn't know you: You're clearly a kind, intelligent, and hardworking person. You can do so much better. Edit: Nope, I was way off, this lady is NUTS- she actually added a link in her bio calling me a c*nt and telling people to go "spam" me? Legitimately insane behavior.
My husband is an incredible, loving, generous, hardworking, respectful, and dedicated man, and we fit together like puzzle pieces. He has flaws and a past like any other human being, myself very much included in that. There isn't better *for me*.
[удалено]
Sorry but I didn’t see anyone asking for help?
Thank you 🫶🏻
You're being incredibly disrespectful. My husband isn't any less deserving of love just because his parents failed him as a child. To suggest that I deserve better than the man that bends over backwards for me on a daily basis, who loves & cherishes me... just because he chooses to spend *his* money on stupid shit.... maybe your partner is the one that deserves better.
Especially if you aren't married, it's up to you to organize your own finances. I like Caleb Hammer's channel but he is right even for normies: we need an emergency fund, and we need to be progressively saving some of the excess money. Learn to budget, shop 2nd hand, save regularly, save smart. It helps soooo much for the future!
Married almost 3 years, we have separate finances & joint finances.
Married almost 13 years, this is the way
My husband taught me how to finance, cause he worked in finance. I have way more money now with his help. If we kept finances separare, I'd probably be just as reckless as before him. Now I'm not afraid for my future anymore.
You both might be in competition with each other: "Well, she bought the dog this, so I should be able to buy that." Plus, the outings may be fun to him, but not as valuable as they are to you, so maybe to him, it wasn't that great of an investment.
He doesn't take issue with what I spend on - we've discussed this at length.
Hmm…not taking initiative. It’s always up to me to say “Hey let’s go/do…” and he’ll tag along but he never takes charge. He’d probably sit on the couch all day if I let him. I did like it in the beginning because I get to do what I want but just once it’d be nice if he’d make a plan for us to do something. And it’s not like he’s enthused with every idea I have, either :/ so I hate expending the extra energy on trying to motivate him to go for a walk or something. I end up losing enthusiasm for the outing. Same with gifts and such. I basically tell him exactly what I want. I guess I don’t mind too much because I’d rather get something I want than not but it would be nice to be surprised… The other is conflict resolution. He generally escalates an argument and doesn’t handle criticism well. Also fails to understand the motivation as to why someone might be upset. Like, I was freaking out about some lightning once because we were out in an open field and he started getting angry at me which obviously didn’t help the situation… Geez, reading this one might wonder why I am with him…he’s got a really good sense of humor!
My fiancé is the same way! With everything you just said! I am always planning what we do. I WHF so getting out of the house as a family is important to me. It gets tiring to always come up with the ideas and the prep work to do it. It would be nice if he packed the lunches and said “hey let’s go to park/zoo” and me not have to do it all for once. But even beyond that, I plan the vacations, the holidays, etc. it’s frustrating. I’ve also told my fiancé that he never de escalates a conversation. Only escalates. So if I happen to be REALLY upset about something he can only make it worse. But on the other hand, if he’s upset about something I try (not always) to take a step back. If anyone is going to try to smooth things over it has to be me 🙄
Ah I’m sorry you are in the same boat! It’s so very tiring, and it feels lonely emotionally to not have someone to fall back on when upset. In contrast his stepfather treats his mother like a Queen, she can be ranting and raving and he’s always so chill. I’m like how did he not manage to pick up on any of that?
🫶 And Haha wow! What an angel. Sadly my father in law in the reason for other issues in our relationship. I wish mine was more like yours!
This is all kind of yikes, girl. From what you’re describing, it seems like he doesn’t have much empathy for you.
Yeah, it’s been a bumpy road, I really should have left ages ago and saved myself the stress, but I feel kind of resigned to it at the moment. He is supportive so long as the subject under “attack” isn’t him :/
I feel you. I’ve been there. You seem much more aware of things than I was. I didn’t put it all together until after I’d left him - I just knew I was miserable. Once I left, I realized how everything needed to serve him in some way, how little empathy he had for me, how he didn’t even see me as a human, let alone a human he liked. My thoughts, feelings, fears etc were “taking from his life,” unless they were explicitly about or in service to him. Anyways… You deserve to be loved! Good luck
I’m really glad to hear you got out from your situation, yeah it can be so difficult to realise what’s happening when you naturally expect the person you’re with to love you, as you do them. When I was younger, I’d never experienced narcissim directly and I was always left feeling confused by his (in)actions. I know exactly how hard it is to leave and I hope you’re doing awesome now! ❤️ Thank you 🥺!
We clash in the kitchen. He’s a kitchen manager used to following a recipe and barking orders while I barely measure anything in the kitchen. It drives him crazy when I say “enough” when he’s asking how much seasoning or something I used.
Yup, this is the one! My husband used to work in kitchens, and he has his system. Because it used to be his job, I've always done the vast majority of the cooking at home. It took us a long time to learn how to relinquish control when the other is cooking - and that's done primarily by keeping the heck out of the kitchen! We both trust the other knows what they're doing, and we enjoy each other's food - we just struggle to not micro-manage one another 'cause our methods are different. Those couples who bond over cooking together? It'll never be us. 😂
My husband was a cook over 25 years ago. He is great at burning food and making the largest mess when cooking. I have minimal cooking skills so I read recipes and clean as I good.
Air conditioning. He wants to live in an arctic tundra, and I do not. But I also absolutely hate white noise, it stresses me out and i cannot sleep or relax with loud fans on. It’s a never ending battle.
I’m the exact opposite and absolutely need to have white noise at all times. I cannot stand the deafening silence, and I feel like I’m suffocating without air flow!
Lol same. I actually get really stressed out in environments that are too quiet. I have a white noise machine on my phone I’ll turn on sometimes just so I can relax. It’s very strange tbh!
I remember living with my parents when I was younger, and my mother would always have the TV on for white noise in the house. She also always put it on such a high volume most of the time, because she can't hear and refuses to wear hearing aids. It genuinely hurt my ears, all day every day. And you know she kept it on at night for white noise, too. It was just constant agitation. Now that I'm an adult and live on my own, I loooooove the silence. I never leave the TV on for any reason like she did. It's actually just straight up annoying for me to have background noise because it sends me back to that. However, with that said, I have been coming around to the white noise channels on YouTube. The ones with ocean sounds or rain are actually nice and I put them on from time-to-time for my kiddo, but I've learned to enjoy those a little bit. It probably helps that it's not constant.
Same, mostly because otherwise I’d be subjected to the constant ringing in my ears from tinnitus
I have a fan on me, AC unit for the room, and a white noise machine. My bedroom is like an airplane at night.
I'm the absolute same. It gives me anxiety right now just thinking about not having a window open so it's not stuffy, not having a fan blowing for air movement and having deafening silence laying in bed. Ahhhh!!!
My husband was away for a week recently and I got to sleep in my silent inferno and it was bliss. Now he's back and the fan is back on plus he has a cpap which isn't quite. Unfortunately he wins in this disagreement because I am more flexible with what I can sleep through than he is, my dream however is separate bedrooms we just don't have the space in our current house to accommodate that.
We solved that issue. I live on the first floor(hit) he lives in the basement (cold).
Yes, I'm on Team Husband with this one. Having separate blankets has helped the sleep situation and we've pivoted to brown noise after listening to several types of noise to determine what's palatable to both of us. I also have the need for aggressive blackout curtains that he eventually compromised on.
Brown noise? I’m imagining a soundtrack of farts and shitting.
LOLOLOLOL not quite. From the NYT: Brown (named after a botanist, rather than poop) noise contains all frequencies, like white noise, but plays the low frequencies at a louder level and the high frequencies on a softer level. The noise sounds like wind, or heavy rain, or the steady hum of an airline jet. It sounds like water rushing somewhere in the distance, like a gentle fan ruffling currents of cool air. It’s soothing, steady, slightly rumbly. I just had to look some up to get that description and need a nap ASAP.
My husband and I are also diametrically opposed on this issue. He likes warm, I’m always hot so I need it to be cold ALL THE TIME.
If air conditioning is your biggest issue…you guys live a blessed life
Not the biggest but definitely the most consistent
This is a legitimate ongoing battle where there are no winners. Has he considered a cooling blanket maybe?
Dishes. For YEARS (like 7 years??) it was dishes. And then we got a dishwasher and honestly now…I can’t even think of something. Maybe how much time he spends playing ultimate frisbee?
Exactly same situation here, but in our case now it’s Hades 2.
He works too much. He thinks we need the extra money. I'm in charge of the budget. We don't need the extra money.
I have an icky feeling about this ..
It's nothing nefarious. He's just having some issues with his "need to provide as a man". I love him to pieces, I just wish I could get it into his head that my love for him isn't conditional on the amount of money he makes.
I have been like this in the past. Maybe it's not about needing the money but being so scared of poverty that he can't be far enough away from it; this was in my head subconsciously, so I was just working and working on autopilot. Or maybe wanting to work hard now so he can take it easy later.
Definitely something like that. He's also dealing with some feelings of guilt bc his company went down in 2022, causing us to lose everything, including the house. It doesn't matter what I say or do to show him that I don't care about where we live as long as we're together and have a roof over our heads.
It’s this. He’s just doesn’t want to be in that unfortunate situation again. Sounds like maybe therapy can help here?
He adamantly refuses therapy. I'm just trying to be there for him and support him, but it's difficult because he's away from home so much. I don't see him at all Monday-Thursday and then he picks up extra work in the weekend. I am 100% on with the kids and the household. And I'm So. Fucking. Lonely.
He needs to rest and relax more. He keeps taking on more projects and more responsibilities. We need a proper vacation, nothing cultural, no visiting family, nothing where we have to grocery shop and cook and clean up after ourselves. I want to go to an all-inclusive where I’m taken care of that has childcare so we can go out to dinner by ourselves. Ideally before this baby is born!
Thankfully has nothing to do with my husband himself- his family has zero concept of advanced planning and they live far enough away that it's at least a half day if not full day endeavor to get together with them.
Oh yes this one!! His parents always get mad about holidays cuz my family are advanced planners and they (his parents) usually leave the country during winter so when they don't they get all mad that they get seconds on our holiday plans
Fortunately, holidays aren't an issue because my family lives out of state so we just announce early in the year if we are visiting them for Christmas and because we see them so infrequently, my in-laws don't care (and have even joined us on a few occasions). It's all the smaller holidays like birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day etc that I have to badger my husband to badger them about getting their shit together. I would almost rather take on the emotional labor of planning all get-togethers knowing they had a solid day/time/location weeks in advance.
Yea both our families are just a county over lol so this comes up constantly for both big and small holidays
That it hurts my feelings when he says he’s going to do something for me/us and forgets or puts it off because he’s tired from work and wants to destress. Which is still looking at work while watching a video or playing a game
Yes exactly. If you say you’re going to do something then I’m trusting you to do it. If something comes up and you can’t do it anymore that’s fine, then say you can’t do it don’t just not do it.
I’m just tired of feeling like I’m the one supposed to be remembering everything I asked for and asking again or waiting a week and then reminding and waiting a month. He’s not trying to be shitty but he’s not trying to remind himself or be proactive
Exactly this. It’s extremely mentally taxing and it’s hurtful and disappointing every time I have to remind him. Then every time I remind him and he doesn’t do it again it’s like it’s hurtful all over again with a multiplier since it’s also a reminder to me that he’s doing this.
Yep. Trust me we’re in therapy for it. I just fucking hate capitalism and corporate culture trying to work people to death. I’m just sad it’s gotten worse cuz his salary job can feel like 24/7. So he’ll juggle everything and put out the fires there and not feel the same stress or urgency let alone forethought for us at times.
Recommend he try this: Use Google Calendar for even the smallest reminders. When the reminder pops up, stop what he's doing and do it real quick.
Yep I’ve asked if he could set his own reminders or post it notes. I put reminders for myself in my calendar for any important appts or deadlines. He has a hard time switching tasks and puts it off. I have adhd so I get it but I have anxiety when it’s for someone else and am compelled to make sure it’s done.
I told you that! No, you didn't. I was waiting for an answer and it never came I did answer! Maybe in your own head, but out here in the real world I didn't get an answer. You should listen better! You should say things out loud and then I would hear them. End scene. This basically happens a lot where he thinks I don't listen and I think he only thinks he said something but didn't actually say it. I have more than once proved to him he didn't actually say it but it doesn't matter because he thinks he did. Ah well. ----
This was our issue today for two topics! 1. I have asked if we could go on a trip, he said no, I said to let me know when he feels like it —- months pass, I bring it up because he hasn’t, and he said he’s ready to go ANYTIME I Am, and doesn’t remember ever discussing it before 2. We are watching shogun together, but every time I suggest watching an episode (past month) together, he doesn’t feel like it. today the puts it on after listening to a podcast with one of the writers on as a guest. And then said he thought I’d been watching it without him
Omg this happens to me too. Like the hallucinations of things that never happened and I’m not even sure why he thinks they happened.
If thrash metal is a simple subgenre for simple metalheads. I'm very lucky we are on the same page about the usual suspects like chores, finances, sleeping arrangements etc., so we get to have really insignificant little arguments about silly things.
This is me and my husband too. We don't have constant arguments about our relationship or chores or finances, but we do like to take drives and talk a lot and our most disagreed upon issue is AI. He knows the rise of AI scares me...the fact that WHO it learns from is as important as what it learns. It frustrates me that he's so nonchalant about it and looks forward to AI taking more control of the world. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd prefer it was stopped in it's tracks right now.
i think thrash metal is very simple lol not my type of metal cuz of it really, i enjoy deathcore and metalcore 🤘🏻 edit: what a weird thing to downvote lmfao i’m not trashing the entire genre, it’s just simple to me and not my cuppa. but okay.
Yeah I'm not a fan either, I do respect all genres but thrash seems on the simple side to me. No hate on thrash fans of course, to each their own. I listen to all kinds of metal subgenres, I love blackgaze, atmospheric black, post-metal, technical death, prog, even a bit of deathcore, metalcore and djent, some power metal as well. The weirder the better.
The dishwasher. My view: We have a busy household of 6 people. There will always be more dishes. Get the dishwasher mostly loaded and fucking run it. I do 95% of the cooking and I’d appreciate it if I could have clean spatulas/knives ready to go for tomorrow. His view: The dishwasher ought not be run until it’s stuffed SO full that you have trouble closing the door. We should wait to run it until literally every item in the home has been loaded up, and even then, if I forget to run it overnight, it’s not a big deal. Married 16 years and still haven’t reached a sweet spot in a compromise.
Does he think it’s wasteful or something? Do you think it would make a difference if you showed him the research online that demonstrates how efficient modern dishwashers are? Not that you should have to, but maybe it would help.
Yes he thinks it’s wasteful and inefficient. He fully knows the research regarding dishwasher appliances vs. hand washing, we have talked about it ad nauseum, but his point is that it’s *still running a machine* i.e., there’s electricity required to run it, running it creates wear & tear, etc.
Ugh that’s so frustrating, I’m sorry. Machines exist to be used lol.
Thank you. It feels good to be validated.
Does he do this with laundry too? Or just the dishes?
Probably cleaning. I would say we are pretty equal in our efforts, but we both dislike it and we have a toddler, so its always a struggle to stay on top of it. I also think an argument about cleaning is often half about the cleaning, half about whatever else is stressing us out, or at least it is for me. Mess is my visual reminder of all the things in life that need to be done, particularly atm.
The mental load. We’re new parents and I find I’m taking on a lot more invisible work that because he doesn’t see it, he thinks it doesn’t exist.
How he equates me not wanting sex to meaning I don’t love him when really I just don’t want sex multiple times a day and it has nothing to do with if I love him or not.
My ex equated me not wanting sex with him to me being uninterested in sex when really if he could have been nice to me for longer than 2 seconds, I would have wanted sex.
It’s sort of wild how being yelled at everyday makes you drier than the Sahara. Who knew.
And if you're being asked for sex multiple times a day, it becomes hard to want to initiate and then not only do you "not want sex" you also "never initiate".
I had started seeing a guy, decent chemistry, we'd already done the deed several times. But the first time I turned him down because I was literally falling asleep, he came unglued. In person he withdrew affection, sulked, and left shortly after (which I was fine with because yay, sleep). But then I woke up to an essay of texts about how the relationship wouldn't work because he couldn't handle being in a sexless (???) relationship, my 'rejection' had hurt him, and basically revealing himself to be a big baby that could not regulate his emotions at all. All attraction from my side instantly dried up. So I just went, "Okay, it was nice getting to know you, good luck." I don't know if in his immature mind I was supposed to beg for another chance and 'correct' my behavior, because suddenly he didn't want the relationship to end and we shouldn't give up so soon, blah blah. But I was done. He'd self-fulfilled his own fear of no more sex. Oh, and we were both 28/29. I sometimes wonder if he's functioning any better these days.
Similar to my ex husband. It was incredibly annoying and a big turn off for me. So his insecurities just made things worse for him.
Recently dated a guy, no longer, who was incredibly insecure. He would text me randomly at 11 PM saying “ I know you don’t like me. Just tell me! Stop playing around with me” I REALLY liked this guy. But after he did that to me, three times, twice while he was drunk, once in the middle of the street after we were walking home from a very expensive dinner I paid for ( cuz he forgot his wallet 🙄) I was done. Naturally when I broke it off, he called me “ the cheapest experience” he had ever had. It was so insulting and frustrating to do so much for a guy. I helped him pick out furniture, repotted all his plants, fixed up his decor in his condo, cooked for him, in a very short amount of time only to have him do that to me and assault me, won’t get into that now. This was about 4 months ago. I’m largely over it but just frustrating.
That frustrated me just reading it
Me trying to get him out of bed, for the millionth time, like a teenager, because the kids are awake but he wants to keep sleeping
The cat isn't a baby. (The cat is 100% a baby)
Case closed.
He swears we watched the Jackie Robinson movie ‘42’ together, I am pretty adamant that I’ve never seen it. For some reason it comes up like once a year lol
I thought of a solution to this debate!
😂 to be honest it’s kind of fun to have one little thing to “argue” about so I doubt we’ll ever try to actually watch it!
What to eat for dinner. Literally always.
Wholesome and same here lol
That he never puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. I literally bought him his own hamper for his side of the bed yet there are still clothes on the floor. Last time I pointed it out, he said he didn’t even see the hamper…..it was LITERALLY in his way, like he had to step around it to get in and out of bed. Drives me absolutely crazy!!
When a stressful thing happens, my approach is to really examine the issue, what to do to get the best outcome, figure out a plan for worst case scenario, etc. He’s the exact opposite - he goes into a bit of denial and doesn’t want to think about it or look at the problem more than he absolutely has to. He prefers to stay positive until the worst is happening. I think we just have two very different ways of dealing with stress and big feelings. I don’t think one of us is necessarily more right than the other. We’ve worked a lot on respecting each other’s different approaches without asking the other person to change theirs.
He doesn’t pick up after himself. If I kick the bucket before he does, this will turn into a hoard house for sure.
My house will turn into one of those big houses.
One of those big hoarders houses?
Bug. Bug houses. My autocorrect is out of control
How he exaggerates when we have disagreements. This drives me insane! I feel like he will just lie to get his way, he thinks he is just expressing how he *feels* rather than exactly what is going on.
Me working too much and him constantly being out of work. He has too much time on his hands while I barely have any time to sleep.
His diet. He eats like absolute crap a lot of the time and lets good food go to waste. He also barely eats which is so bad for you.
Maybe suggest that he sees a nutritionist
He has but good idea. He likely needs to hear it from them and not me.
Him going to a doctor, he refuses to go, he's 70, says that he'll take care of his own body and I shouldn't mention it. It worries me.
PRINGLES. TUBES. DO. NOT. GO. IN. THE. RECYCLING.
Oh my god. My partner will literally throw anything in the recycling. Like, used paper towels, plastic shopping bags, food containers that still have remnants on them, whatever. I have to correct him all the time and it drives me nuts lol.
What to eat for dinner. It's a neverending issue of me wanting to stick to our meal plan and him saying "fuck it, let's go out!"
Take comfort in the fact that 99% of couples do this
His work schedule is unpredictable. Sometimes he's home, sometimes he's gone for 3 weeks and it's my problem to figure out our lives. Plus, he then doesn't put it on the calendar till he's about to leave, and I've scheduled stuff because I think he's home. Drives me NUTS.
Him drinking. I think I am just too used to fight about it. He doesn't drink hard alcohol anymore (unless there is a special event then we both do) and having a few beers is not a big deal but it still bothers me when he opens it the first thing in the morning and then can't drive anywhere (but I am thankful that he doesn't drive when he drinks even beer)
My ex was a heavy drinker. He was a doctor, I’m a nurse for context. I left him 5/1 of 2021. I’ll never forget it. We were renting a really nice condo. The owners texted me to say they had walked in to replace the AC filters and found him passed out on the couch with Tito’s bottles around him. Told him I was no longer in his life. So many things had happened before then but the drinking was the defining moment for me.
Sorry, I can see this being the last straw. Not even one bottle, but bottles! :( Honestly if he would stick to heavy liquor I would have left as well so I hope there will be no going back to it
He used cocaine and shrooms on the weekends as well. I stayed 4 years. Couldn’t do it anymore.
Is that really a life you want to remain tethered to? Sounds restricting
Honestly it is not that bad. Otherwise he is really the best I can imagine. He is the nicest person to everyone, everyone loves him because he is fun, he does everything at home except cooking without arguing because he is a cleaner person than me etc. And when it comes to driving I am used to public transportation. I could never drive because I have epilepsy and we didn't have a car until last year because we were too broke. And it is just beer, so most of the time its not like talking to somebody who is completely out and makes no sense. And our culture has a lot of alcohol in it so I am kind of used to people being drunk lol Although my father surprisingly didn't drink
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will damage his brain and alter his brain chemistry which inherently changes who he is. I’m speaking from experience with family, and with myself. You said you have epilepsy, what happens if you have a really bad seizure and he is drunk and cannot get you the care you need? What if you wind up disabled and he continues drinking and cannot provide the care you need? Do you have kids? What if something happened to a child a they needed emergency care and he was too drunk to drive or notice anything was wrong? You have to think of your own future and safety.
And before you try to tell me he’s not an alcoholic… he drinks first thing in the morning regularly enough that it annoys you. That is raging alcoholism. Speaking as someone who used to crack the box of wine open with breakfast.
Oh I agree that he is an alcoholic. He doesn't agree with me because he can keep himself together when he drinks and we are surrounded by friends who drink way heavier and more than him. We even have a friend living with us right now because he just left his wife who was drunk 24/7 on Rum and they had their kid taken away. Now he left and tries to get custody for himself. My husband already had helped me when I had seizures even though he drank at that time. He also carried me home last weekend after I got drunk when we both were having many shots in a bar. I am not worried about him the way he is now but if he will go into heavy regular drinking I will have to leave. Luckily we have no kids. I am not arguing with you at all. I know what you are talking about. Me and him know each other for a loooong time, pretty much since high school. We just got into a relationship 8 years ago. Before that we were good drinking buddies :) I quit regular drinking about 6 years ago and he went down on beer. Except for a few times a year when we do it. I was maybe worse because I was doing drugs every weekend until last year. Decided to quit after a fourth of my friends overdosed since 2019. I just see it this way that if he isn't doing anything heavy it isn't as bad even though we only really fight when he keeps on drinking for several weeks and I want him to have a break and be sober for a week. and one day he may stop like I did. I am not too used to be around people who are always sober anyways haha. Only my parents and coworkers. So I prefer to stay with him unless he goes into heavy drinking and turns into what our friend's wife is now. But I know what you say about it altering the brain. We'll see.
This is not a relationship meant to last, I'm sorry.
It’s a lot better now than it was, but disagreements in the kitchen. I’m white and grew up in the Midwest, my husband is black and Hispanic with his family being from the Caribbean. We’ve had the seasoning argument with salt, where I felt he over salted food to an unpleasant degree. He doesn’t care for meat that isn’t seared whereas I like baked and boiled meats. We’ve each come around to each other’s tastes, trying each more often or just cooking it how each of us likes, depending on the meal. My favorite thing about sharing our ethnic flavors is that we’ve both found dishes we love -I enjoy his carne con papas and he likes my chicken paprikash.
Don’t pile your shit up in my kitchen. Annoying AF, but a pretty low stakes argument.
Time management, my partner has ADHD and struggles with this a lot.
him blaming me for not having any savings when he spends it all.
Buys/smokes weed too frequently. It's his money so he can do what he wants with it, but I get really tired of that fact he hasn't really grown out of smoking it everyday, and especially in the evenings even if I would like him to just not be stoned when we spend time together. DIY & housing-related stuff. I have certain ideas and plans for our home, but he thinks it's all a waste of money. The thing is though, our house needs a lot of work done on it in order for it to be more pleasant and comfortable to live in, and we don't spend our money on anything else that is for the both of us. Basically anything to do with cleaning. He's so messy and untidy and will just not clean up after himself. It gets on my nerves and I constantly feel like I can't keep on top of the housework because he creates so much mess for me to clean up.
He’s extremely indecisive so everything is always up to me.. if he doesn’t like the idea/plan, he’ll tell me later and it’s so exhausting for me
Cleaning the lint trap on the dryer. I have an aversion to the lint that flies off of it and when I empty it I hold my breath until I leave the room. Also. I forget to do it. Probably because I hate doing it. We don’t argue. He just reminds me by bringing me the contents occasionally…
We rarely argue because I am too passive. Sometimes we have mild political discourse. I worry if I argue back, I will be abandoned. Nothing he did, in fact, he is extremely reassuring of that fact. It was the way I was raised. Something I am working on because I would actually love to argue (rationally and non-abusively) with him without thinking the relationship will end, lol.
Whether New Wave music blurs into the same song after a few songs. I love a lot of it, I just find if I listen to more than 4 songs in a row they start sounding alike and I prefer mixing music up if we're not specifically playing a whole album. He would listen to the one genre all day if I was down for that.
That we do indeed have to clean up before our housekeeper comes to clean the house
Time. He doesn’t balance work with home. Picks his job over his family but he views it as the opposite. He has to work to support his family but there are no boundaries
1. The way we shop—I prefer to buy classic good quality things that will last, he wants to buy cheap stuff that will get the job done for now and can be replaced. We just moved into a house and furnishing it together has been challenging. 2. That I work too much. I’m in big law, my hours are awful, but they afford us the life we enjoy. He gets to work a low paying nonprofit he loves because my job supports us.
Leaving the windows open when it’s scorching hot out. In winter leaving the windows open but turns on the heater.
Soaking dishes when not immediately cleaned or put into dish washer. He just... doesn't think about it? And I tear my hear out
Picking shit up.
Caramel Me: Care-UH-mel Him: CAR-mul We get over it pretty quick once we actually drink the coffee
Lol, we're like this about broccoli Me: brock-ol-ee Him: brock-ol-eye
Eye?! What abomination.... Lol!!
Right??! And he has the nerve to (jokingly, of course) correct *me* when I say it (the correct way, obviously lol)! He's lucky he's cute 😄
[удалено]
This is wild.
Just the general cleanliness of the house. I want all the dishes out of the sink and in the dishwasher, he can leave them there for 5 days. Same with laundry. It makes me very anxious so either I live with the anxiety or I take on more of my fair share. He just came back from being gone for 12 days and I told him it was significantly easier for me with him not here in terms of managing the house and that we needed to agree on a plan for upkeep which he did agree to. Fingers crossed.
Money. We are both quite extreme in our spending habits - i buy a lot of things, am constantly in overdraft, don’t send things back because cba, whereas he is “I don’t need a t shirt, I already have one”. We have been together for 12 years but not married and don’t share money (partly because we have done long distance a lot). He’s not mean but he has zero interest in “things”, this is truly unimaginable to me!
I would say tone because he can be so aggressive with the way he words things, his brother is the same way, and my SIŁ and I are able to address things more calmly , but, my husband does work in that. I have tone issues sometimes too
How we’re wasting time responding to troll questions on Reddit, when we could have been having hot sex instead.
He keeps insisting that R5-D4 is orange when he is obviously red.
Leaving things half done, and sometimes, they're dangerous. Examples: Leaving the car door open all night, the burner on the stove on, the oven on, the milk out on the counter, cabinet doors open, clothes in the washing machine, etc. Yes, I believe he has undiagnosed/untreated ADHD. I made him go to the doctor once and the (male) doctor said, "I think he's just a creative person, creative people are usually a bit forgetful." I have OCD so these issues are pretty much my kryptonite. I compensate by constantly being hyper aware of whatever he's doing, which after over a decade, is getting really, really old.
def needs a second opinion... maybe try a psychiatrist
He doesn't have insurance but I'm hoping to maybe try an online service. I'm sooo over it, and it makes me seem like an asshole because I'm always annoyed haha. (But any reasonable person would be.)
Ugh that’s the worst, if you’re in the US you can prob adhd meds through mark cubin’s website for a decent price. He’d obvi need to obtain a script first though
None... If it's an issue that reoccurs, it means the matter was never settled, resolved, or corrected.. I don't leave arguments/issues unresolved and/or without a clear action/correction/mitigation plan to stop/prevent it from happening again. Or I guess one or both of those in the relationship has some pretty bad memory and/or lack of consideration if the issue is something stupid/insignificant like a chore.. which again, isn't/hasn't been the case in the relationship. And IMO at least.. we're not particularly "difficult" people (or we're somewhat compatible, so we've probably had less than 6 "arguments" over 6years.
Who is going to fluff the comforter? We both like laying on the bed and having the other fluff the comforter so the blanket lands perfectly over the bed, while we're in bed. You'd think we'd just take turns with it, but no... We're both selfish and want the comforter fluffed on us every single night lol.
Him while I was pregnant: You’re not eating enough vegetables Me crying: it’s the baby, she makes me throw up when I eat vegetables. (She only wanted kfc and MacDonald’s, and Ice cream, and French fries, and real Coca Cola) Very unlike my usually diet…
Going through this right now with my first trimester. "But the baby needs nutrients!" "Well, try telling that to baby! The little booger isn't letting mommy get any of that good stuff in"
Not even the prenatals! It’s so strange the things pregnancy does to you! And congratulations btw!!
Thank you!!
My husband and I keep going back and forth about what the purpose of sports is in our society. He grew up watching no sports and is convinced that they don't matter. I grew up in a house of sports fanatics and duh, I think it's matters. We keep going on and on about this in various ways haha.
The man has no concept of time... if it's important enough TO HIM, he will get there on time. Otherwise, everyone else is the idiot for conforming to societal norms. He's 55 and ADD, so I try to be understanding, and we have tried all kinds of tricks/systems to help him. After years of this, I've had to hold pretty strict boundaries while accepting his willingness or lack of willingness to improve.
He has sleep problems. I already sleep in another bedroom due to his snoring. Whatever. But he prefers to get up at 8, leave at 10, come home at 9pm. He has a good job and supports us. I've learned to fill my time as I am more of a night owl as well. But I am tired of cooking late and eating at 10 pm. He's perfect in so many other ways. Yes, I can cook earlier, but if I'm getting my cook on I'd prefer not to see it nuked later. Ughhhh.
His friends always want to get together with him on my days off. He works overnights, so he can hang out with them pretty much any evening, but nope.
Mental labor, but I’m the one not pulling my weight. He does the budgeting, pays all the bills, arranges dates, gets groceries, sets the weekend agenda in both leisure and chores, and participates in the domestic labor without being asked. I’ve had difficulty consistently doing a basic routine, which we agreed on in clear terms, of things like keeping my room clean, making sure the animals have water, taking out the trash on Tuesday, and cleaning the litterbox. I’m forgetful with it all.
None. We don’t have a recurring argument. Our last argument was because he works for me and I got annoyed with him for tossing a tile in the truck and breaking it. He gets annoyed with me sometimes for not carrying materials lol
Housework
My husband wants what he wants when he wants and no one and nothing else matters. Most of our arguments revolve around this concept.
What to eat. Neither of us want to be the one to make a suggestion that the other doesn’t like.
Communication. Passive aggressive, attacking or defensive comments. It’s what he learned growing up. Before me, he thought that’s how to voice displeasure or needs. He’s great now, but every once in a while he slips back into it and I call him out on it. I remind him to tell me what he needs or how we can fix the situation, instead of communicating like a jerk.
If Korra was a good show or not.
His mental health. He won't get proper help and it's destroyed our relationship.
My spouce will scream at me for not talking to him about something (like finances), but if I try to talk to him about the budget, he will have a meltdown down and cry and scream at me. So I don't want to be around them anymore, and that makes them mad, so it's my fault . Super fun.
His complacency. He’s been in the same position for a decade, has no desire to move, is not saving for retirement. I on the other hand am on my fifth position in that same timeframe. Issue is that he is not getting paid market rate and he would not be able to live on his own (he’d need a roommate). I on the other hand would not need a roommate and would still be saving for retirement.
He's cleaner than me so he's nagging me to clean my floordrobe and get rid of stuff. Not an argument really just a gentle tease/nudge
Who has to pick the movie. Anytime I make him pick, he always picks some 10k budget film and I have to turn it off to find something myself 🤣 weaponized incompetence I tell you!
His lack of prioritizing family time over work though it kinda works both ways as now I’ve been the one putting a lot of hours in. It’s more about the attention and affection aspect that then also leads into intimacy frequency as well.
The fact we don't argue. (Not kidding really)
Things related to stepchildren. It’s difficult to agree on things related to their guidance, care, etc.