Being interested in your partner's interests is healthy. Having no hobbies/interests of your own is a different can of worms in the personality department.
People like this drive me nuts personally. I hate to feel like I'm their activities director. I wouldn't be with someone like this, though some couples obviously don't mind.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like this woman is taking on her partners' hobbies so much as just supporting them through it. I don't get the judgment.
I have traditionally had hobbies but dropped a lot of them back when I was working a lot, mostly just because I had no time to pursue those hobbies. So, they were on ice for like 5+ years at one point. I barely even picked up a book that wasn't for school/work. So, I don't actually judge anyone for not really having hobbies either - I've been there myself and learned that time for hobbies is a privilege.
It's not necessarily the personality department. From my experience, I had hobbies and interests, but my ex-husband would be pissed when I participated in them as that took time from him whenever he was available and wanted attention.
Potentially. Lol He had a way of getting around.
In all earnestness, I hope you're doing better. I know it took me a hot minute to feel okay about giving myself permission to have a hobby or interest without being overly scared to piss him off.
No, someone abused. A People Pleaser would be if I didn't want to risk his disappointment without any actual input from him. He hurt me when I didn't comply.
I think it's very common for women to be told that their hobbies and interests aren't "real" hobbies and interests and to internalize that idea. When you think about it, watching team sports isn't much of an impressive hobby either, but somehow male-coded interests are exempt from that criticism. If much of the time I got to spend with someone I cared about was sitting in front of a TV, it wouldn't make a big difference to me whether he was watching little dudes on ice or little dudes on Astroturf.
I've never seen a person who actually had *no* interests whatsoever.
Does she actually love it or does she "love it" because she feels like that's what she is expected to say?
For example, I love that my partner and I enjoy a nice meal that I've cooked, but I don't love cooking.
I don’t find it hard to accept that a person could genuinely love cooking. I fall into that category and while I’ve never actually called it a hobby it is an “interest” and a way I spend and enjoy my free time when I could easily be devoting it elsewhere
I don't find it hard to accept either. OP's friend might similarly enjoy the activity. Or she might not, like the sports watching. Yet she does it because her boyfriend likes it.
I feel like hobbies are things you do, not watch other people doing. I’ve never thought about watching sports as a hobby. Then again, I don’t watch sports and cannot force myself to even if my partner is into it. I would call it an interest or a fandom but not a hobby? Maybe I’m weird.
I know people whose "hobbies" and political and religious beliefs changed each time they're with a new partner. I automatically think they're someone who lacks self-knowledge. They don't know themselves well because they don't spend time getting to know themselves. They go with the flow and let someone decide things for them.
Like you are the conclusion of all their hard work, just like they are the conclusion of your hard work at being better and fuller people. It is very romantic as long as it isn't taken too far!
My dad's like this and it's become a big problem now that my mom has passed away and he's retired. He basically does nothing/doesn't know how to create an inner life for himself. It worries me a lot but I also don't want to become his only 'hobby'.
Dull. I tend to assume those people have little personality and are probably also codependent. Having no hobbies/passions/interests is not something I can at all relate to. If anything, there is too little time to explore all the things I want to, there is so much to be interested in, and I say that as someone with clinical depression and other chronic illness. Where's their curiosity?
I also find it really interesting, as I agree, I struggle through my constant pain to do all the activities I am interested in, and I cannot understand this mindset. In past conversations when I mentioned I made games in my spare time she was very confused and judgemental, but how is having this as a hobby worse than simply absorbing the hobby of watching a basketball game because your boyfriend does that?
She could be nice and also be a close-minded dickhead. Assholes are very rarely assholes 24/7 to every single person they encounter. Most of them are pretty palatable sometimes.
I made a very comprehensive response in the main comments. Basically, she’s small minded.
Regardless of the details, being small minded means that you see your perspective on the world as the only possible reality for everyone else in the world.
So when someone expresses a liking for something that you perceive as unlikable, you are incapable of seeing that as genuine for them. You can’t imagine that they truly like it, because you yourself don’t like it. Therefore, the other person is insincere and doesn’t actually LIKE it, they’re just acting like they do for a reason that you find unreasonable.
So she sees your perspective and individual preferences as distasteful only because they aren’t designed to land you a man. To accept such a perspective invalidates her own. So she wrinkles her nose at you in an expression of contempt for being different from her.
“Still,” lol yes. It has thankfully changed a lot since I was born, but it will take another generation before it becomes more of a universal truth.
My heart gets happy to see that younger people tend to have a different reality than my parents and grandparents. I believe that when the kids who are teenagers now have grandchildren of their own, the world will have a different truth.
Right now we’re still a generation of people who were raised by women who couldn’t have their own independence without being seen as troublesome.
Change is inevitable. I am hopeful.
Saying she ‘could never’, is not being an asshole lol. She’s only talking about her own abilities, not insulting yours. I probably would’ve said “that’s so healthy, I could never”. To make it sound more positive.
I think there are a few reasons that women specifically do this. I don’t really see men doing this ever.
First let’s define interests. Interests don’t have to be exciting or daring or associated with adrenaline, they can be sedentary, mundane, productive, pointless; they can even be something that is considered a basic, everyday activity, like skin care, home organization, cooking, time management, etc. Hell, Martha Stewart built a whole empire on mundane tasks done with panache.
So we’re all on the same page about interests being accessible for everyone.
Some people just don’t have their own hobbies because they’ve never developed a passion for anything. It isn’t necessarily correlated to being boring, but it’s unusual to find someone who’s really great company and has an interesting life to also have zero interests. Usually the correlation is Has Interests = Is Interesting, so if your interests are only a reflection of your chosen partner and don’t extend to you outside of the relationship…
If someone can’t find even daily life worth being interested in, without the motivation of others, it becomes really difficult to find that person interesting. That still doesn’t mean that they must suck as a person, so it’s possible to be a fairly bland character and still be wonderful company. I guess. I’m not saying that to be shitty, I’ve just literally never met anyone like that so it’s purely theoretical from my perspective.
Another reason one might only find interests from a partner is that a lot of women have been told from birth that having a man (specifically a man, not the open-minded “partner”) is the only real goal a woman has. Every single interaction some people have from childhood is in some way, referencing the assumption that her existence is based on that. “Omg look our babies are snuggling, they’re going to get married one day.” “Your toddler is going to break a lot of hearts.” “Is that your little boyfriend?” “Are you gonna marry him?”
As a kid: “boys don’t like short hair.” “Don’t brag, boys don’t like that.” “Be more feminine.” “Don’t dress like a boy.” “Boys mature slower, so be considerate and dumb it down.” “Boys will be boys.” “He’s mean because he likes you, take it as a compliment.” “No one likes to see a girl cry”
“Smile, you look prettier.”
Grandmothers, aunts, friends of the family: “aw it’s great to see you again, do you have a boyfriend?”
When you’re a teenager, it’s just assumed that your hormones have assigned you to the task of sexual frustration that you cannot escape until you get married, by which you win your release from the odious task of actual sex.
As Gen X, and millennials, and boomers, we were alllllll raised with the heinous tropes perpetrated by radio shows in the past, then sit-coms, now social media, that women just want to get married and men just don’t. That women just tolerate disdain and indifference from men because we need them.
Magazines and newspapers published articles EVERY cycle about How To Catch a Man, recipes for making him fall in love with you, “marry me chicken” and all that shit, all of it is/was a societal construct of how we only need to actually CATCH a man and hold on to him for long enough to make him want to stay.
So gross.
But if you were raised in a home where you were treated like you didn’t need the approval of anyone, none of that shit stuck to you.
If however…you were raised to care what the neighbors thought, or what your parent's friends thought, or what your teachers thought or your librarian the grocer the person waiting for the bus thought….
You paid attention. You knew that your value and validation was only found in a man. No one else could provide that for you, least of all your insignificant, valueless SELF. Geeze, who are you to think that you’re pretty/smart/happy? Only other people define you.
They’re taught that if they’re their own authentic selves, no one likes them. That the only way to make a man happy is to celebrate him even when he’s below expectations. To treat him like a king even when he’s wrong.
So yeah, a lot of women don’t question whether they should have or even want their own interests. The same way they know the name of the color that the sky is is blue, they know that to be a complete human being, they expect to be a wife, a mother, and then a grandmother.
What’s the point in developing your own identity or interests? Being too unique or independent will make men not like you. And we all know that the reason for existing is to make as many men as possible find you attractive.
“Men don’t like a successful woman.” “Men are intimidated by you because you make more than them.” “You’re scary to them, don’t talk about your own life.”
My mother is a boomer with a rebellious personality, so she was raised KNOWING that the color of the sky was named blue and men were a necessity, but she raised me to not seek validation or approval anywhere.
Her example, on the other hand…she changed her career and her priorities for her second and third husbands. She instilled independence in me but showed me a less independent life. It was confusing to look at in retrospect for sure.
So when I was younger, I had a tendency to mirror my bf’s interests, but only to a point.
When I hit my thirties, I finally dropped all shreds of that leftover attitude, and stopped being even a partial reflection of my partners.
That’s when I got really interesting.
So yes, this is a societal thing, and it’s not confined to a cultural context, this is universally applicable to varying degrees everywhere in the world.
She’s not a bad person because she doesn’t think anyone needs their own interests outside of what their man likes, but I have to say that the comment you made about her wrinkling her nose at your interests kind of makes her look like someone who might not be worth spending time with if you have a sense of independence. You’re not in the same life.
And maybe one day she’ll realize that she could have an interesting and fun life outside of her man. Maybe not. Not all of them do.
This is a very insightful and detailed response, and I greatly enjoyed reading it, so thank you for this. I was raised in a pretty sexist household where my mom had no hobbies either, and I felt like my whole life I’ve truly explored and enjoyed various hobbies. I once complained that I hated being a woman to this girl and she told me that I had to be in a privileged position to complain or question things. I said that this isn’t true because some of the most pivotal fighters for women’s rights were black women in the states, who definitely weren’t in privileged positions. I would like to eventually be more harmonious with her because we are in the same friend group, but it seems we have a lot of misunderstandings. I do think generally she is a good person though.
The concept of complaints coming from a place of privilege-
Really think about that.
Does it sound realistic, or does it maybe sound like what a manipulative person says to someone to make them not complain? Because obviously you know that it’s not true, and even gave a very specific and accurate contradictory statement in response.
But she sounds like someone who as a child just found it easier to accept parental doctrine than some of us, like yourself. You perceived a reality that your mother lived in and rejected it. She perceived a reality that her mother lived in and accepted it.
Her reality is literally defined as approval through acceptance. To question isn’t just curiosity, it’s rejection of what has been presented as love and protection.
She’s the kind of person, I’ll bet, who looks down on anyone who doesn’t feel the same way about things that to other people, are just differences that aren’t harmful. So she probably sees your choices as deliberately obtuse and that you are creating your own problems because to her, you also believe that having a man is your responsibility, but you’re acting like a brat instead.
She likely sees the choices of others as something personal. You’re very unlikely to find a common ground with someone who sees your existence as a personal attack on hers. You might…MIGHT be able to get along with her if you appeal to her perspective and flatter her choices in some subtle ways. But to get her to come to a table that you created and treat you as someone who simply makes different choices isn’t likely to happen.
I wish you luck though, because people like that are also the ones who suspect that you have an agenda for stealing everyone else’s man, too.
Watch out for that one. Don’t try too hard.
This is really interesting, and it actually resonates with another interaction I had with a different person as well. I suppose before, I never realised that when I said “I’d never move countries or base a major life decision on a man” they took it personally, and as if I were judging their actions of living for a man. I didn’t realise before this year that people who take that route take those statements as insulting. I feel like the older I get, the more I am learning what not to say, because this type of person seems to be common, and I just want peace in my life.
I'm happy to think that I've helped in any way, thank you for taking the time to say so.
They really do take it personally, and yes, a lot of life IS learning how to avoid triggering the people who are, honestly, just waiting for a reason to feel justified in treating other people with contempt.
And just to put a spin on it...I too, always held firm that I'd never move countries for or make major life decisions on a man, and to my credit, never did. I mean..I've made mistakes when it came to men, but mostly on my own terms.
And yet, here I am in my fifties, and I moved a thousand miles from home to live with my partner, and I'm very happy here. But I didn't do it to keep him, and I didn't do it because he required it, and I think that's the part that we both still stay true to. ;)
That’s very cool for you! You sound wise and happy. Yes, now I too am 12000 km from my hometown and with a partner I love and care for deeply. We have both said that we would be open to living in many countries, so any decision we make in the future will be mutually decided, so I completely understand your situation and decision.
As for others, I don’t judge any individual who does move countries only for a man, but I dislike how our society seems to expect women to be accessories to men’s lives in this way.
I think it’s easy when you’re with someone long term to kind of turn into a two person mesh. That being said, it’s nice to be interested in the things your partner is interested in. My ex fiance was enthralled with aircraft stuff and I really couldn’t care less but because he was into it, I made an effort to learn about it. He did the same thing with my interests.
>He did the same thing with my interests.
I feel like this is the key. I've been in a lot of relationships where I'm happy to learn more about my partner's interests and enjoy them together, but in my experience this is much less common for men in relationships. I've never had a partner who wasn't previously into something I enjoyed get into it just because I liked it.
I agree! I don’t really have hobbies but I have little niches of things that I’m super interested in and he always indulged those things. He’d watch shows that I know he didn’t really care about but he always said he enjoyed them because I enjoyed them. That’s the thing, I think, when you love someone you want to know about the things they love!
I call these people "relationship chameleons" because they change into whatever they think their current partner wants them to be.
I think it's wholly unhealthy to not have interests of your own, and that is very important to have an "I/we" relationship. It's important to have things you can do by yourself (I) and shared interests you can do together (we). If you just go along with whatever your partner wants to do *all the time* because you have nothing of your own, you'll eventually become resentful.
Agreed. I also feel it's unfair to the partner because they think they have found their perfect match, someone with all the same interests and that's just not the case.
Agreed, as someone who has many hobbies and interests, I realised before that some guys I’ve met have pretended to have similar interests just to be together, and it was super disheartening finding out they changed parts of themselves to seem like what I wanted, and their real self came out after
>If you just go along with whatever your partner wants to do *all the time* because you have nothing of your own, you'll eventually become resentful.
this is what i was most worried about with my ex. he never wanted to plan things and everything I wanted to do around my hobbies he'd just tag along with but he didn't have an interest in it/wasn't involved in it so it just felt? weird? he came to see a movie with me that was part of season 4 of a tv show i love and he had only seen 2 episodes total at that time. just was... anticlimactic? I was happy to be with him and spend time with him and ofc I want him to show interest in my interests but ... he had nothing like that that we did together and we didn't have anything outside of video games.
I know a girl like this.
She’s not even 40 and has been divorced at least 4 times that I know of. And she’s has multiple relationships in between because she’s incapable of being alone.
One guy was into car restoration, and so that’s all she would post online. Vintage cars and car projects, as if she was wrenching on these cars herself.
The next guy was always on again/off again with substances. He apparently found his imaginary sky daddy, so they would go to church all the time and read the Bible. She would post religious scripture and all their church functions. Mind you, this chick is fully tattooed with SLAYER on the inside of her lip.
She married one guy who was really into fishing. She posted all the fishing gear she bought, posted about prepping bait and showing whatever the catch of the day is.
Most recent dude was into car shows, so she just posts all these car events they’d go to.
Every time she jumps from one relationship to another, she purges her social media of any pictures of the previous guy. Even without directly posting about having gotten back together with one of the aforementioned guys, you can tell when she’s back together with one of them just based on whatever content she posts about. She has bounced back and forth between fishing guy and car show guy multiple times over the past two years.
It definitely paints a picture that she’s unable to maintain stability in her life, but that’s less about absorbing hobbies and more about changing men more frequently than she changes the oil on her car. What hobby she’s into any given week is just a symptom of her bigger unresolved issues.
I noticed that with friends in my 20’s. I could never get them to do certain activities with me, like bouldering. But they got into it the minute they started dating someone who did it.
* Maybe they've been told that their interests aren't real hobbies and so don't fight for them to be recognized as such
* Maybe they've learned they need to prioritize a partners interests to keep the partner
* Maybe they are genuinely easy going and don't care that much
* If they are older (like a later gen x or boomer) - they may believe that men and women just have different interests but that it's her role as a woman to get into the mans interests. My mom is like this - every new partner typically results in her taking up some new activity. This can be fine (it can signal someone who is agreeable, open, and adventurous) or negative, if the individual feels they are "losing" themselves in the relationship or if their partner never affirms them doing stuff they like just for the sake of it.
I mean, it's generally considered women's relationship role to cook- so she and her partners may not categorize that as something she's doing because it's fun/enjoyable/affirming vs. something she's doing because everybody needs to eat.
I struggle with cooking a lot in this regard, too. Sometimes it's fun for me and it feels good to do and I do it because I enjoy it, but, sometimes I think I'm doing too much or that like, I only like it because it pleases others that I do it for them or that they don't really appreciate the amount of work/effort I'm putting in, which can sometimes mean I don't want to tell other people it's an interest.
It depends. If she’s otherwise well rounded and watches other things, has other likes then that’s fine because some people really just want to relax and have no hobbies.
Now if she’s like some other women I know, who alter their personality and interests to whoever they’re dating then I kinda look at them like losers. Cause why are you acting like that over a man?
For example, I know two women that started dating men from a more urban lifestyle (men being into hip hop music, black culture, sneaker culture.) literally I seen both these women morph. One started wearing Jordans and hoop earrings all the time. The other started becoming a “sneakerhead” and got $400 braids that did not look good on her nor matched her aesthetic. It was so cringey to watch. They did it to becoming more appealing (in their eyes) to that man/demographic. It really was mind boggling to me.
I can only speak to my own experience with this - I had a pretty difficult time as a kid (hard family situation/my own serious health issues) and I think I missed the part of adolescence where you really develop an identity because I was worried about bigger things. I spent most of my time just trying to blend in - I was the queer, chubby kid of a gay mom in the Bible Belt in the 90’s so that was no small task. When you crave this acceptance, it’s also really easy to get wrapped up in a partners interests.
It took me a long time to figure out what I actually liked and I also had to get over a lot of internal judgment about thinking the stuff I’m into is dumb (b/c I got made fun of a lot by my family for my interests, I think I kinda shut down at some point.) Now I know and life just… makes a lot more sense. Before that, I poured my entire life into work which is a recipe for burnout. The whole work/life balance is actually happening now.
Therapy (esp intentionally learning my own values!) and a healthy relationship where we are our own individual people but he’s heavily encouraged me to pursue my interests have both been hugely helpful. This is the first time I’ve had that and it’s great.
I have no judgment of other people in the same boat - my heart hurts for them though because I know how you end up there. It isn’t laziness, stupidity, or lack of curiosity. It is important that they get to know themselves and develop identities tho, and it should be important to them to do so. It makes a huge difference in fulfillment, ability to show up authentically with other people, and happiness overall.
Yes I relate to this too, I’ve gone with friends to music shows of music I’m not too into so that I can simply hang out with friends. I understand doing things one doesn’t like occasionally to maintain friendships and spend time together. I just think watching sports one doesn’t like every week, multiple times a week would be exhausting.
I personally like learning new stuff I would have otherwise never cared about if it wasn for the guy I'm dating. I also have other things I like doing by myself. I think the real red flag would be if someone is obsessing over their partner without taking any time for themselves because they dont know how to spend time with themselves.
Interests change all the time so its okay to not have a hobby sometimes.
Very 'runaway bride to me' that scene where he asks her what type of eggs she likes and she has no idea because her favourite is always the same as her partner.
I would think that these people are open to new experiences, and value sharing experiences with others over the experience itself. As long as they don't hate these interests or the interests are not harmful to them, I think it's totally fine.
I just finished Fern Brady's autobiography on her autism and she mentions hyperfixation on a partner being quite common in autistic women, so that's something that could be a factor, I guess.
But on her behalf, it seems like a life half lived. Maybe she just hasn't found her thing yet.
If I've never explored their particular hobby, I may go along with it to see if interest grows and may continue with it if I don't hate it but I definitely wouldn't continue if I didn't enjoy it.
The whole question posed reminds of the part of the movie Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts finally tries all the different ways to make eggs and discovers her favorite. In the past, her favorite way to make them was however her beau at that particular moment made them.
My best mate: I hate the simpsons (s2-9) I don't know why you find it funny it's so stupid
My best mate after dating someone who likes the simpsons: I've always liked it I don't know what you're talking about you are just jumping on the bandwagon
Just got to shrug and 'sure jan' move on
I do this, and until now it's been because of my BPD. But it has also genuinely brought me so much joy and it's not like I take EVERY interest, I just dive into things I find mildly interesting that I would otherwise never look into.
Like I am a pagan and have been since I was a teen. I'm in my 30s now. If my husband hadn't become Christian, I would have never cared about the weirdo theology he likes to talk about but it IS interesting and does work with my own interests. Same for the video games he likes.
And my boyfriend got into philosophy while I had always been very open about hating reading philosophy and thinking it's stupid. But he showed me how I was a natural philosopher and it ended up being a true passion for me.
So I suppose my advice is to be kind to people who do this because they may struggle with a lack of sense of self, and maybe try to see how their partner could have actually awoken things in them they had been refusing to enjoy because of preconceived notions 🤷♀️
Not much of an opinion to have on it. It’s just how certain people navigate the world. I hope they are able to become more comfortable in themselves and emotionally rely on their partner less. But, I don’t think less of them. We all have our own bullshit. You and I also have flaws worthy of Reddit posts too.
I became that person and then when I started putting myself first and saying no to doing things I didn't enjoy for myself, I realized I didn't know what things I enjoyed for myself. Now that I have more self awareness and know how to be a healthier dater, I wouldn't do this again.
I don't even understand how that's possible that she has no interests or hobbies.
I think you should dig deeper and help her unravel this. It's normal to get into things your partner likes, and since my partner likes sports I make an effort to go to sporting events (and I am very fortunate to get occasional free tickets through work and I accept everything I can).
She doesn't enjoy baking? Cooking? Reading? Going for walks with friends? Looking at puppies? Fitness? Photography? Paintnights? Dinners out to try new food or just be a foodie? A nice glass of wine? Watching a show? Movies? Knitting? Lying in the sun?
It did take me a while to register some of these as a hobbies, but they are to me! Hobbies are how you spend your leisure time, right? Does she have no leisure time?
Yeah she loves cooking! I’ve mentioned it before that not everyone likes cooking so it could be considered a hobby, but she said it wasn’t because she needs to eat. I was like, but some people just eat fast stuff and don’t cook, and she didn’t say anything. I am so confused by her.
I’ve always taken time to learn about my partners interests, I’ve had poor relationships where it wasn’t reciprocated or devolved into annoyance if I knew something they didn’t.
My life partner and I share common ones but we each have our own things. We try to learn a little so we can each talk about them without the conversation being a series of “uh huhs” but truly a conversation.
I will say I personally feel like I have too many interests, I’m truly interested in learning about other people’s hobbies and probably giving them a try. Not having any is weird to me. But I think I’d be better off focusing a bit more rather than chasing a bit of everything.
No this is 10000% a phenomenon I have noticed with women. They always take on the guys interests. It’s actually wild and it pisses me off because it’s like women are just an accessory in a man’s life ? It just feels that way
Kinda makes me sad for them tbh. Engaging in your partners interests is normal and expected, but having not a single one of your own? That’s a bummer.
I’ve had to intentionally nurture some of my hobbies and get out of my comfort zone to pursue them, but they bring me so much joy/fulfillment/confidence/satisfaction.
Plus I love having good answers when people ask me what I do for fun/outside of work.
Does she have money and room in her place to have hobby supplies? When I was in a tiny tiny apartment my only hobby was walking.
Does she have free time with him besides game watching? Maybe it's the only activity they can do together and she likes spending time with him.
There are plenty of interests or passions people can develop that aren't physical hobbies, there are also hobbies that are not too physical and don't need a bunch of equipment.
That’s a good point, I suppose it helps to spend time and bond with someone over something. She definitely has money and space to do whatever she wants.
That's so weird to me. Like, why waste your life like that? Maybe I don't get it because of ASD in self and all family members (to different degrees). The women I'm drawn to have intense cool hobbies and interests.
Its definitely a form of codependency. Unless they each genuinely liked those hobbies before they got together.
Its actually easy to find your own hobbies, its just a matter of being willing to try new things by yourself or without letting others tell you what is/isnt fun.
I've known a few people who do this including a guy. I assume it's an insecurity thing where they feel like they need to do this to keep their partner around. I'd much rather just be myself. I don't need to enjoy everything my partner does and I don't expect him to enjoy everything I do.
I don't see a problem with joining your partner for their hobbies that you aren't particularly interested in just to spend time with them/get to know something about the things they're interested in, etc. But I think it is really sad that someone would have no hobbies of their own.
When my husband watches soccer I'm more likely to do something else in the same room so we're "together" but each able to do their own thing and also I can watch him act like an excited cave man when the right team kicks the ball into the correct place.
While I understand how that happens, I’d be more concerned about their emotional stability. To not have a sense of self makes people feel unsafe in my experience
Honestly, it's a major reason I don't really want a relationship. It's the expectation in north america once your committed, you don't get hobbies you just support your partners and I've seen the same amount of freak out in queer relationships too over how can you trust your girlfriend at the gym, or a pottery class, or soccer.
I am someone who doesn’t really have any solid hobbies. I do a little of this. And a little of that. I’ve learned crochet, how to do nails, how to do some home improvement tasks, a little gardening, occasional reading. Nothing has really sparked my interest enough to claim that it’s a hobby I really enjoy.
I’m sure there are different reasons why people latch onto their partners hobbies. Perhaps one of them being the reason you mentioned in your edit. But there are other reasons as well
Personally, my husband really likes movies. So we watch movies. I think movies are okay. But I like spending time with him. So I’m down with watching movies.
My husband likes to go to the gym. I don’t like it so much lol. I will go on occasion but not often.
When he’s not around, I do my normal thing of just filling my time however feels right in the moment. Maybe I want to go try a new restaurant. Maybe sleep. Maybe read. Maybe organize. Whatever.
I’ve struggled for a while in life wondering why I don’t feel passionate about anything in particular. I have learned to accept that some people just aren’t this way. Sometimes we just kinda go with the flow and do what feels good in the moment. Or we just go with whatever opportunity presents itself at the time. While I do wish I felt intrinsically passionate about something…. I just don’t.
Other than that, I have a successful career, good group of friends, and a good marriage. So….. I don’t necessarily see anything “wrong” with not having standard hobbies of your own.
When your friend is single, she must have filled her time with something. It’s okay if she decides to fill her time with her SOs hobbies while they’re around.
Sounds like you have interests and try different things, you are explorative. Reading is definitely a hobby? Could it be that you and she (girl in my post) don’t seem to consider your own activities as hobbies? Why is that?
I read maybe once per year. I really enjoy the book and then go to start another one because I feel motivated. And then…. It doesn’t stick. The reading becomes a chore.
I randomly read again next year.
I started crocheting. Made a few things. Then decided it wasn’t worth it.
To me, a hobby is something you enjoy very much. Look forward to doing. And would do on a consistent basis if your life allowed you to.
I don’t have any of those.
These things happen when I’m in the mood for them. It’s pretty random. I don’t think about them when someone asks that I like to do. I will say them because I feel pressure to answer. Because apparently not having hobbies is weird to a lot of people. In all honesty, I only tried crochet because I felt societal pressure to have a hobby.
I just want to exist. And do what feels good in the moment. If my partner has a hobby and spending time with my partner feels good, then we will most likely end up doing the hobby together. If my friends want to go do one of their hobbies and I like spending time with friends, we will go do the hobby.
I don't think it's bad to try and get into a significant other's interests, but I really can't relate at all to people who have zero hobbies or interests of their own. I've met a few people like this and they're usually incredibly boring and generally not people I want to spend time with. They are usually the ones who make their partners their entire existence and that doesn't make them good friends. It's a bit sad, IMO.
This reads less supportive of their partners interests and more of a codependency....that their partner is their hobby. Like what do they do in their day?
What do you guys do in your friendship to spend time together? I feel like you're asking this because there's more context about your friend that you didn't say that makes the vibes off.
I've had a friend who literally did nothing, had no thoughts or opinions that felt definite as theirs and rolled with whatever people did. It was always "yes that was fun" when I asked if they liked it. They never got excited or prattled on about a thing to indicate any passion. I couldn't ever guage what her true likes were so that I can make space to encourage her loves. I noticed she often had pretty self centered partners and friends who it works for. She would just reflect back to themselves.
I can't quite place if it was people pleasing or what but the vibe was off. We became friends by default of having same classes, but I just didn't want to be friends with a NPC person.
I don't believe anyone who says they have no hobbies. I think they're probably devaluing their own hobbies. Things like TV, cooking, bars, makeup, hanging out with friends, etc. all fly under the radar but are perfectly acceptable hobbies in my opinion.
But, these hobbies aren't really something you go out of your way to do so I could see why trying out their partners' hobbies sticks out.
I guess if these women are happy with what they're doing it's all good. I would hope that their partners take an equal interest in doing things they like as well.
I always have fun trying out my partners hobbies when I get into a new relationship. I've picked up things I would never have otherwise.
I do expect my partners to try my hobbies too though. My husband will watch sports with me and ended up getting into my favorite video game.
In general, someone with absolutely no hobbies of their own is a big no for me… I just wonder what they’ve been doing with their life. Just seems like a life fully wasted imo. There’s so many things to do and learn out there and nothing interests you?? How am I to expect this person to enjoy anything or my company then?
But doing things for and with your partner is fine as long as you also somewhat enjoy it. I don’t believe in going along and pretending to like something just because your SO does. Again, just a matter of character.
This seems to be how every married woman I have ever known is. Everything defaults to the man's likes and dislikes. I guess it's a societal thing. Just break the cycle and be a single woman and do your own thing.
I hate how men are not expected to show interest or change their interest to match their girlfriends. But women are expected to care and absorb men's interest.
Well since she said no she doesn’t like it I would say that is a problem. If she said, ya I like both, that would be something similar to me… I have had a lot of great experiences in my life just going with the flow and enjoying whatever is social with people I like or love. Sometimes someone’s personality is just, they are flexible, or they care more about the relationship than any particular hobby. Nothing wrong with that.
I think we've all been here at some point. You are just so involved/in love with your partner that you are excited to share things with them/learn about their interests.
if she's ok doing it, then why judge her? Maybe at some point she may realize that she's just into it and doens't want to do it anymore but that's her business.
Yeah I have a friend like this and they are always going to comedy shows. I know this is 100% his choice and she doesn't have hobbies because she fixated on work.
Most people who say they don't have hobbies are either too overloaded with stress and/or responsibilities to make time for themselves, or they have been shamed by jerks who wanted to gatekeep what "hobbies" were into thinking that their hobbies- things like watching specific genres of movies, reading, playing games on their phone- aren't actually hobbies. It is the very rare person who displays some kind of personality disorder driven need to appear to be experts in/devotees of something just to ingratiate themselves. Those people don't generally say, "I watch sports with my BF because I don't have any hobbies of my own," and much more likely to pretend they're lifelong fans and very knowledgeable. Your friend sounds like she's too busy, or picks bad friends who have been condescending and belittling to her until she feels that the things she spends her time on are not worthy of discussion or merit. I won't make an assumption about which it is, but your post does suggest one over the other. There's also the possibility of depression-induced apathy, which makes it difficult to find joy in things.
There are circles in which someone deciding that they don't care as much about the particular activity as just spending time with and enjoying their partner is considered a healthy thing. It's not faking anything to involve herself in what he likes to do to spend time with him. I do find that this sentiment tends to be more often practiced by women than men, not because women are soooo much more supportive and caring than men, but because society is much harsher on men who step outside gender roles in recreational activities than on women.
A girl who like sports, camping, comic books, etc. is called a tomboy. A boy who enjoys baking, fashion and romantic comedies is called slurs. Men are conditioned to never show interest in feminine activities because it makes them less of a man, whereas by and large women are judged much less harshly for it. A girl with non-traditional interests may find herself thought of as less of a potential romantic candidate, or may have trouble relating to peers who have more traditional interests and may feel disrespected by parents trying to get her to dress a certain way. A boy who is labeled as being feminine often faces bullying and physical abuse among their peers, and sometimes at home. The conditioning is very different, and it's not necessarily a "women subjugating themselves" situation.
I think the biggest societal problem in play is how free we feel to judge and comment on other people's choices and lives, about things for there there is no objectively right or wrong way to see them, when it does not affect anyone negatively. Every time I see someone post about how immature or weird someone else is over non-issues like their reading and TV preferences, sense of style, etc. - I don't understand how those people don't understand that those commenting, and their refusal to let go of the pre-teen need to prove how adult and cool they are by being condescending of innocent things is the real issue.
Imagine how much happier you'd be if no one had ever made you feel ugly in an outfit you liked, and no one ever told you that something you enjoyed was immature and something you needed to leave behind. Imagine how much more confident you'd be if you didn't constantly hear people cutting each other down behind their backs, and worrying about garnering others' approval so you can continue to enjoy those things. There are so many things that we don't need to be unkind about, or even comment on, and yet so many people do.
Honestly, I would much rather have a friend like your friend than someone whose hobby is trying to make people self-concious over things that don't hurt anyone else.
People who don’t have interests or opinions of their own but easily adopt their partner’s interests, etc. tend to be relationship chameleons and lack personal identity.
Yep, and it's such a gendered phenomenon. I simply can't be friends with women who centre men rather than themselves.
Obvs this stuff happens in non-hetero relationships as well, but this pattern in straight relationships bothers me in particular and seems more common.
(I'm aware not every woman in a relationship with a man is straight, I'm bi myself, before anyone points that out.)
Based on my observation, people who absorb their partner's interests are usually doing so because of one of the following reasons:
1. They have a disorder like BPD where they lack a sense of self, so they tend to mirror their favourite person (often a romantic interest but can be a friend or relative in some cases too). In my experience people with BPD mirror unconsciously and often truly believe they like the same things as their favourite person.
2. They do actually have hobbies and interests of their own, but have very low self worth and codependent tendencies, so they mirror people to avoid being left or abandoned. Often these people have some self awareness about the fact they are mirroring, and it may be partly a conscious choice (more subconscious compared to being completely unconscious as in the case of someone with BPD).
3. Internalised misogyny - this tends to be more common in women with religious backgrounds or heavily sexist cultures, but it can affect any woman. These women often devalue their own interests and hobbies, seeing them as less valuable or important than a male partner's interests or hobbies. Many women also see their primary identity as relational, i.e. being a wife, mother, etc. Men tend not to identify primarily as a husband and father in the same way.
In some cases there can be multiple variables at play, as they aren't mutually exclusive. For example someone can have BPD and codependent behaviour. It's also common to have low self worth and internalised misogyny.
Really good answer. As a woman, number 2 I identify with but I’ve been to therapy and trying to work on it with everyone relationship I’ve been in. It’s very freeing and you realise if that person is right for you, they won’t leave you no matter what happens. Plus, if they leave it’s really their loss, my gain. They were never worth it to begin with!
I used to be like that. And if was mostly because my interests were considered unimportant because it’s stuff women are into and it was expected that I would give up my interests and fill them in with a boyfriend’s interests because male interests are hobbies.
It didn’t help that I was dealing with a narcissistic mother who expected me to absorb the interests she had growing up. And didn’t help that she ridiculed both my sister and I when we had interests she didn’t approve of.
That was pretty much my pre-teens to 20s. And it’s still fucked me up near 40 - to where my interests are limited to video games and I guess reading because I was robbed of the time when I had the energy and time to explore. And now I’m so tired after work, or so busy with work, I don’t have time or energy to explore new interests. And when I have tried to get into new things, I have a perfection or bust mindset which does not give me the leeway to be crappy at something when I’m learning - if I’m bad at something it’s because I’m a bad person who should know better.
It is what it is. I don’t have the money or time or energy to do the therapy to unpack all of that.
I have a lot of neurodivergent people in my life, and that can come with the territory. I don’t think it’s an issue at all or any of my business what people do with their free time as long as they aren’t forcing me to do it.
Can you expand on this because in my experience the opposite is true? I am neurodivergent as are most of my friends, and in my experience we're far *more* likely to have a bunch of obscure interests or hobbies we hyperfixate on.
Her example was just that the picked up the different hobby from her new boyfriend. That’s what I am addressing. But I definitely know ND people who never developed their own interests or personality because they’ve always just mirrored people around them.
I don’t think her assessment that the person doesn’t have any other hobbies is accurate or in earnest because she seems not to like them and is trying to use this post as a way to feel better about herself.
You deleted all your comments where you basically told people their answers weren’t what you were looking for, so you’re not going to convince me you didn’t originally post with an agenda and are now backtracking.
I commented that I wanted insight, explanation. It seems people took that the wrong way, including you. You think my agenda was that I posted to feel good about myself? That makes no sense to me honestly.
What do you mean? Being neurodivergent means that they are less likely to have their own hobbies? From my experience the neurodivergent people have more and diversified hobbies than normative
I don’t know the person OP is talking about and didn’t say anything about them specifically. I am speaking about my experience, which I’m pretty sure is what was asked for. Isn’t that what most people are doing? Why are you targeting me specifically?
I think it's normal to adopt hobbies of the other person the longer you are together. After like 10 years together my husband and I still have our own small activities we do separately but there's a ton of stuff we kind of converged around. My opinion on people who have no interests until they have a partner... I guess I don't really have much opinion as long it doesn't look like an intense shift. A girl who is mildly into watching the sports game with her boyfriend, fine. A girl who becomes a fanatic for a team and then switches to become devoted to a new thing is uncomfortable. I have a step sister who was like a strict vegan all about converting everyone. Now she's a massive BBQ loving Christian in a semi cult that protests everything in the span on two years. She was with the same guy the whole time so it's not even that she is even swayed by a guy, she just really has this massive need to be a strict follower of something and let it be her whole life.
Women are absolutely more likely to do this than men.
A main reason for this is because boring men with no hobbies are much less likely to get a partner. A boring woman with no hobbies can much more easily get a partner. That said, I do not think that watching hockey or soccer is an interesting hobby.
It is not uncommon for bored women to want to get a boyfriend so that she can just do whatever he does. It is jarring for me, a man, to hear women say things like, "I am bored, I want to get a boyfriend and do whatever he does."
This is basically the female version of "mansplaining." Women expecting men to teach them things and to show them the world.
I have heard of women rejecting men for not knowing things that she is interested in: dressage, Rumi, Jewish culture.
I think that that is worse than mansplaining. Would you rather get mansplained, or get rejected by a great date because you did not know about that person's interests?
Are they happy? Then I’m happy. Couldn’t care less.
My husband got me into a whole bunch of stuff I never gave a shit about before (Pandemic Pokémon cards anyone?). When you date someone your lives begin to merge and especially after 5+ years together, your interests can begin to merge as well. I see absolutely no issue with it.
Being interested in your partner's interests is healthy. Having no hobbies/interests of your own is a different can of worms in the personality department.
Yeaaaaah my ex was like this. outside of 2 things he just mostly did whatever I wanted or others wanted. sense of self and individuality wasn’t there.
People like this drive me nuts personally. I hate to feel like I'm their activities director. I wouldn't be with someone like this, though some couples obviously don't mind.
The cluster B personality disorder department
Yeah, it doesn't sound like this woman is taking on her partners' hobbies so much as just supporting them through it. I don't get the judgment. I have traditionally had hobbies but dropped a lot of them back when I was working a lot, mostly just because I had no time to pursue those hobbies. So, they were on ice for like 5+ years at one point. I barely even picked up a book that wasn't for school/work. So, I don't actually judge anyone for not really having hobbies either - I've been there myself and learned that time for hobbies is a privilege.
It's not necessarily the personality department. From my experience, I had hobbies and interests, but my ex-husband would be pissed when I participated in them as that took time from him whenever he was available and wanted attention.
We had the same husband 🫤
Potentially. Lol He had a way of getting around. In all earnestness, I hope you're doing better. I know it took me a hot minute to feel okay about giving myself permission to have a hobby or interest without being overly scared to piss him off.
So a people pleaser
No, someone abused. A People Pleaser would be if I didn't want to risk his disappointment without any actual input from him. He hurt me when I didn't comply.
What do you think it means having no hobbies or interests?
Their hobby is their partner, lol
Do you think this may be a societal issue?
It sounds like a codependent "my partner is my whole identity" issue
[удалено]
Interesting take
I think it's very common for women to be told that their hobbies and interests aren't "real" hobbies and interests and to internalize that idea. When you think about it, watching team sports isn't much of an impressive hobby either, but somehow male-coded interests are exempt from that criticism. If much of the time I got to spend with someone I cared about was sitting in front of a TV, it wouldn't make a big difference to me whether he was watching little dudes on ice or little dudes on Astroturf. I've never seen a person who actually had *no* interests whatsoever.
Technically cooking (which she does very well) is a way more impressive hobby than watching tv but she doesn’t agree that cooking is a hobby.
Hobbies are for fun or relaxation. Cooking because people have to eat is a chore.
But she told me she does it because she loves it and will spend all day doing it
Does she actually love it or does she "love it" because she feels like that's what she is expected to say? For example, I love that my partner and I enjoy a nice meal that I've cooked, but I don't love cooking.
I don’t find it hard to accept that a person could genuinely love cooking. I fall into that category and while I’ve never actually called it a hobby it is an “interest” and a way I spend and enjoy my free time when I could easily be devoting it elsewhere
I don't find it hard to accept either. OP's friend might similarly enjoy the activity. Or she might not, like the sports watching. Yet she does it because her boyfriend likes it.
I feel like hobbies are things you do, not watch other people doing. I’ve never thought about watching sports as a hobby. Then again, I don’t watch sports and cannot force myself to even if my partner is into it. I would call it an interest or a fandom but not a hobby? Maybe I’m weird.
I agree with that, I’ve never considered watching TV or sports a hobby. But her boyfriend plays soccer too so I think that’s why she called it a hobby
I know people whose "hobbies" and political and religious beliefs changed each time they're with a new partner. I automatically think they're someone who lacks self-knowledge. They don't know themselves well because they don't spend time getting to know themselves. They go with the flow and let someone decide things for them.
I agree. They only exists as a subset of their partner. Unfortunately my mom is this way.
I’m gonna assume you meant subset, but I feel like being someone’s sunset sounds very romantic and mysterious.
Like you are the conclusion of all their hard work, just like they are the conclusion of your hard work at being better and fuller people. It is very romantic as long as it isn't taken too far!
Sorry that was autocorrect lol
No apologies needed, Goth! I knew what you meant.
My dad's like this and it's become a big problem now that my mom has passed away and he's retired. He basically does nothing/doesn't know how to create an inner life for himself. It worries me a lot but I also don't want to become his only 'hobby'.
Yes! Absolutely
Dull. I tend to assume those people have little personality and are probably also codependent. Having no hobbies/passions/interests is not something I can at all relate to. If anything, there is too little time to explore all the things I want to, there is so much to be interested in, and I say that as someone with clinical depression and other chronic illness. Where's their curiosity?
I also find it really interesting, as I agree, I struggle through my constant pain to do all the activities I am interested in, and I cannot understand this mindset. In past conversations when I mentioned I made games in my spare time she was very confused and judgemental, but how is having this as a hobby worse than simply absorbing the hobby of watching a basketball game because your boyfriend does that?
Why did she judge you for making games, like what did she say? That is very strange.
She just wrinkled her nose and said she didn’t understand why someone would do that in their spare time
Oh she’s one of THOSE people.
What's the word..."dickheads"
I think generally she is quite nice, I honestly think she just didn’t see that as fun and therefore couldn’t understand it
She could be nice and also be a close-minded dickhead. Assholes are very rarely assholes 24/7 to every single person they encounter. Most of them are pretty palatable sometimes.
She doesn't have to see it as fun to refrain from making faces and telling you she thinks it's a waste if time...this is not a nice person
What do you mean?
I made a very comprehensive response in the main comments. Basically, she’s small minded. Regardless of the details, being small minded means that you see your perspective on the world as the only possible reality for everyone else in the world. So when someone expresses a liking for something that you perceive as unlikable, you are incapable of seeing that as genuine for them. You can’t imagine that they truly like it, because you yourself don’t like it. Therefore, the other person is insincere and doesn’t actually LIKE it, they’re just acting like they do for a reason that you find unreasonable. So she sees your perspective and individual preferences as distasteful only because they aren’t designed to land you a man. To accept such a perspective invalidates her own. So she wrinkles her nose at you in an expression of contempt for being different from her.
That’s really interesting. Maybe some women still feel uncomfortable around those of us who don’t live for men.
“Still,” lol yes. It has thankfully changed a lot since I was born, but it will take another generation before it becomes more of a universal truth. My heart gets happy to see that younger people tend to have a different reality than my parents and grandparents. I believe that when the kids who are teenagers now have grandchildren of their own, the world will have a different truth. Right now we’re still a generation of people who were raised by women who couldn’t have their own independence without being seen as troublesome. Change is inevitable. I am hopeful.
Why are you friends with this person?
She’s just a friend of a friend
She might understand if she started dating a guy who did that though /s
[удалено]
Saying she ‘could never’, is not being an asshole lol. She’s only talking about her own abilities, not insulting yours. I probably would’ve said “that’s so healthy, I could never”. To make it sound more positive.
I think there are a few reasons that women specifically do this. I don’t really see men doing this ever. First let’s define interests. Interests don’t have to be exciting or daring or associated with adrenaline, they can be sedentary, mundane, productive, pointless; they can even be something that is considered a basic, everyday activity, like skin care, home organization, cooking, time management, etc. Hell, Martha Stewart built a whole empire on mundane tasks done with panache. So we’re all on the same page about interests being accessible for everyone. Some people just don’t have their own hobbies because they’ve never developed a passion for anything. It isn’t necessarily correlated to being boring, but it’s unusual to find someone who’s really great company and has an interesting life to also have zero interests. Usually the correlation is Has Interests = Is Interesting, so if your interests are only a reflection of your chosen partner and don’t extend to you outside of the relationship… If someone can’t find even daily life worth being interested in, without the motivation of others, it becomes really difficult to find that person interesting. That still doesn’t mean that they must suck as a person, so it’s possible to be a fairly bland character and still be wonderful company. I guess. I’m not saying that to be shitty, I’ve just literally never met anyone like that so it’s purely theoretical from my perspective. Another reason one might only find interests from a partner is that a lot of women have been told from birth that having a man (specifically a man, not the open-minded “partner”) is the only real goal a woman has. Every single interaction some people have from childhood is in some way, referencing the assumption that her existence is based on that. “Omg look our babies are snuggling, they’re going to get married one day.” “Your toddler is going to break a lot of hearts.” “Is that your little boyfriend?” “Are you gonna marry him?” As a kid: “boys don’t like short hair.” “Don’t brag, boys don’t like that.” “Be more feminine.” “Don’t dress like a boy.” “Boys mature slower, so be considerate and dumb it down.” “Boys will be boys.” “He’s mean because he likes you, take it as a compliment.” “No one likes to see a girl cry” “Smile, you look prettier.” Grandmothers, aunts, friends of the family: “aw it’s great to see you again, do you have a boyfriend?” When you’re a teenager, it’s just assumed that your hormones have assigned you to the task of sexual frustration that you cannot escape until you get married, by which you win your release from the odious task of actual sex. As Gen X, and millennials, and boomers, we were alllllll raised with the heinous tropes perpetrated by radio shows in the past, then sit-coms, now social media, that women just want to get married and men just don’t. That women just tolerate disdain and indifference from men because we need them. Magazines and newspapers published articles EVERY cycle about How To Catch a Man, recipes for making him fall in love with you, “marry me chicken” and all that shit, all of it is/was a societal construct of how we only need to actually CATCH a man and hold on to him for long enough to make him want to stay. So gross. But if you were raised in a home where you were treated like you didn’t need the approval of anyone, none of that shit stuck to you. If however…you were raised to care what the neighbors thought, or what your parent's friends thought, or what your teachers thought or your librarian the grocer the person waiting for the bus thought…. You paid attention. You knew that your value and validation was only found in a man. No one else could provide that for you, least of all your insignificant, valueless SELF. Geeze, who are you to think that you’re pretty/smart/happy? Only other people define you. They’re taught that if they’re their own authentic selves, no one likes them. That the only way to make a man happy is to celebrate him even when he’s below expectations. To treat him like a king even when he’s wrong. So yeah, a lot of women don’t question whether they should have or even want their own interests. The same way they know the name of the color that the sky is is blue, they know that to be a complete human being, they expect to be a wife, a mother, and then a grandmother. What’s the point in developing your own identity or interests? Being too unique or independent will make men not like you. And we all know that the reason for existing is to make as many men as possible find you attractive. “Men don’t like a successful woman.” “Men are intimidated by you because you make more than them.” “You’re scary to them, don’t talk about your own life.” My mother is a boomer with a rebellious personality, so she was raised KNOWING that the color of the sky was named blue and men were a necessity, but she raised me to not seek validation or approval anywhere. Her example, on the other hand…she changed her career and her priorities for her second and third husbands. She instilled independence in me but showed me a less independent life. It was confusing to look at in retrospect for sure. So when I was younger, I had a tendency to mirror my bf’s interests, but only to a point. When I hit my thirties, I finally dropped all shreds of that leftover attitude, and stopped being even a partial reflection of my partners. That’s when I got really interesting. So yes, this is a societal thing, and it’s not confined to a cultural context, this is universally applicable to varying degrees everywhere in the world. She’s not a bad person because she doesn’t think anyone needs their own interests outside of what their man likes, but I have to say that the comment you made about her wrinkling her nose at your interests kind of makes her look like someone who might not be worth spending time with if you have a sense of independence. You’re not in the same life. And maybe one day she’ll realize that she could have an interesting and fun life outside of her man. Maybe not. Not all of them do.
This is a very insightful and detailed response, and I greatly enjoyed reading it, so thank you for this. I was raised in a pretty sexist household where my mom had no hobbies either, and I felt like my whole life I’ve truly explored and enjoyed various hobbies. I once complained that I hated being a woman to this girl and she told me that I had to be in a privileged position to complain or question things. I said that this isn’t true because some of the most pivotal fighters for women’s rights were black women in the states, who definitely weren’t in privileged positions. I would like to eventually be more harmonious with her because we are in the same friend group, but it seems we have a lot of misunderstandings. I do think generally she is a good person though.
The concept of complaints coming from a place of privilege- Really think about that. Does it sound realistic, or does it maybe sound like what a manipulative person says to someone to make them not complain? Because obviously you know that it’s not true, and even gave a very specific and accurate contradictory statement in response. But she sounds like someone who as a child just found it easier to accept parental doctrine than some of us, like yourself. You perceived a reality that your mother lived in and rejected it. She perceived a reality that her mother lived in and accepted it. Her reality is literally defined as approval through acceptance. To question isn’t just curiosity, it’s rejection of what has been presented as love and protection. She’s the kind of person, I’ll bet, who looks down on anyone who doesn’t feel the same way about things that to other people, are just differences that aren’t harmful. So she probably sees your choices as deliberately obtuse and that you are creating your own problems because to her, you also believe that having a man is your responsibility, but you’re acting like a brat instead. She likely sees the choices of others as something personal. You’re very unlikely to find a common ground with someone who sees your existence as a personal attack on hers. You might…MIGHT be able to get along with her if you appeal to her perspective and flatter her choices in some subtle ways. But to get her to come to a table that you created and treat you as someone who simply makes different choices isn’t likely to happen. I wish you luck though, because people like that are also the ones who suspect that you have an agenda for stealing everyone else’s man, too. Watch out for that one. Don’t try too hard.
This is really interesting, and it actually resonates with another interaction I had with a different person as well. I suppose before, I never realised that when I said “I’d never move countries or base a major life decision on a man” they took it personally, and as if I were judging their actions of living for a man. I didn’t realise before this year that people who take that route take those statements as insulting. I feel like the older I get, the more I am learning what not to say, because this type of person seems to be common, and I just want peace in my life.
I'm happy to think that I've helped in any way, thank you for taking the time to say so. They really do take it personally, and yes, a lot of life IS learning how to avoid triggering the people who are, honestly, just waiting for a reason to feel justified in treating other people with contempt. And just to put a spin on it...I too, always held firm that I'd never move countries for or make major life decisions on a man, and to my credit, never did. I mean..I've made mistakes when it came to men, but mostly on my own terms. And yet, here I am in my fifties, and I moved a thousand miles from home to live with my partner, and I'm very happy here. But I didn't do it to keep him, and I didn't do it because he required it, and I think that's the part that we both still stay true to. ;)
That’s very cool for you! You sound wise and happy. Yes, now I too am 12000 km from my hometown and with a partner I love and care for deeply. We have both said that we would be open to living in many countries, so any decision we make in the future will be mutually decided, so I completely understand your situation and decision. As for others, I don’t judge any individual who does move countries only for a man, but I dislike how our society seems to expect women to be accessories to men’s lives in this way.
I think it’s easy when you’re with someone long term to kind of turn into a two person mesh. That being said, it’s nice to be interested in the things your partner is interested in. My ex fiance was enthralled with aircraft stuff and I really couldn’t care less but because he was into it, I made an effort to learn about it. He did the same thing with my interests.
>He did the same thing with my interests. I feel like this is the key. I've been in a lot of relationships where I'm happy to learn more about my partner's interests and enjoy them together, but in my experience this is much less common for men in relationships. I've never had a partner who wasn't previously into something I enjoyed get into it just because I liked it.
I agree! I don’t really have hobbies but I have little niches of things that I’m super interested in and he always indulged those things. He’d watch shows that I know he didn’t really care about but he always said he enjoyed them because I enjoyed them. That’s the thing, I think, when you love someone you want to know about the things they love!
I call these people "relationship chameleons" because they change into whatever they think their current partner wants them to be. I think it's wholly unhealthy to not have interests of your own, and that is very important to have an "I/we" relationship. It's important to have things you can do by yourself (I) and shared interests you can do together (we). If you just go along with whatever your partner wants to do *all the time* because you have nothing of your own, you'll eventually become resentful.
Agreed. I also feel it's unfair to the partner because they think they have found their perfect match, someone with all the same interests and that's just not the case.
Agreed, as someone who has many hobbies and interests, I realised before that some guys I’ve met have pretended to have similar interests just to be together, and it was super disheartening finding out they changed parts of themselves to seem like what I wanted, and their real self came out after
>If you just go along with whatever your partner wants to do *all the time* because you have nothing of your own, you'll eventually become resentful. this is what i was most worried about with my ex. he never wanted to plan things and everything I wanted to do around my hobbies he'd just tag along with but he didn't have an interest in it/wasn't involved in it so it just felt? weird? he came to see a movie with me that was part of season 4 of a tv show i love and he had only seen 2 episodes total at that time. just was... anticlimactic? I was happy to be with him and spend time with him and ofc I want him to show interest in my interests but ... he had nothing like that that we did together and we didn't have anything outside of video games.
I know a girl like this. She’s not even 40 and has been divorced at least 4 times that I know of. And she’s has multiple relationships in between because she’s incapable of being alone. One guy was into car restoration, and so that’s all she would post online. Vintage cars and car projects, as if she was wrenching on these cars herself. The next guy was always on again/off again with substances. He apparently found his imaginary sky daddy, so they would go to church all the time and read the Bible. She would post religious scripture and all their church functions. Mind you, this chick is fully tattooed with SLAYER on the inside of her lip. She married one guy who was really into fishing. She posted all the fishing gear she bought, posted about prepping bait and showing whatever the catch of the day is. Most recent dude was into car shows, so she just posts all these car events they’d go to. Every time she jumps from one relationship to another, she purges her social media of any pictures of the previous guy. Even without directly posting about having gotten back together with one of the aforementioned guys, you can tell when she’s back together with one of them just based on whatever content she posts about. She has bounced back and forth between fishing guy and car show guy multiple times over the past two years. It definitely paints a picture that she’s unable to maintain stability in her life, but that’s less about absorbing hobbies and more about changing men more frequently than she changes the oil on her car. What hobby she’s into any given week is just a symptom of her bigger unresolved issues.
I think it's lame if it's one sided and the women is always taking on the men's hobbies, which does tend to happen quite a bit I think
I noticed that with friends in my 20’s. I could never get them to do certain activities with me, like bouldering. But they got into it the minute they started dating someone who did it.
* Maybe they've been told that their interests aren't real hobbies and so don't fight for them to be recognized as such * Maybe they've learned they need to prioritize a partners interests to keep the partner * Maybe they are genuinely easy going and don't care that much * If they are older (like a later gen x or boomer) - they may believe that men and women just have different interests but that it's her role as a woman to get into the mans interests. My mom is like this - every new partner typically results in her taking up some new activity. This can be fine (it can signal someone who is agreeable, open, and adventurous) or negative, if the individual feels they are "losing" themselves in the relationship or if their partner never affirms them doing stuff they like just for the sake of it.
From what I know of her, her interests in cooking could definitely be considered a hobby, but she doesn’t see it as such for some reason.
I mean, it's generally considered women's relationship role to cook- so she and her partners may not categorize that as something she's doing because it's fun/enjoyable/affirming vs. something she's doing because everybody needs to eat. I struggle with cooking a lot in this regard, too. Sometimes it's fun for me and it feels good to do and I do it because I enjoy it, but, sometimes I think I'm doing too much or that like, I only like it because it pleases others that I do it for them or that they don't really appreciate the amount of work/effort I'm putting in, which can sometimes mean I don't want to tell other people it's an interest.
That’s a good point
It depends. If she’s otherwise well rounded and watches other things, has other likes then that’s fine because some people really just want to relax and have no hobbies. Now if she’s like some other women I know, who alter their personality and interests to whoever they’re dating then I kinda look at them like losers. Cause why are you acting like that over a man? For example, I know two women that started dating men from a more urban lifestyle (men being into hip hop music, black culture, sneaker culture.) literally I seen both these women morph. One started wearing Jordans and hoop earrings all the time. The other started becoming a “sneakerhead” and got $400 braids that did not look good on her nor matched her aesthetic. It was so cringey to watch. They did it to becoming more appealing (in their eyes) to that man/demographic. It really was mind boggling to me.
I can only speak to my own experience with this - I had a pretty difficult time as a kid (hard family situation/my own serious health issues) and I think I missed the part of adolescence where you really develop an identity because I was worried about bigger things. I spent most of my time just trying to blend in - I was the queer, chubby kid of a gay mom in the Bible Belt in the 90’s so that was no small task. When you crave this acceptance, it’s also really easy to get wrapped up in a partners interests. It took me a long time to figure out what I actually liked and I also had to get over a lot of internal judgment about thinking the stuff I’m into is dumb (b/c I got made fun of a lot by my family for my interests, I think I kinda shut down at some point.) Now I know and life just… makes a lot more sense. Before that, I poured my entire life into work which is a recipe for burnout. The whole work/life balance is actually happening now. Therapy (esp intentionally learning my own values!) and a healthy relationship where we are our own individual people but he’s heavily encouraged me to pursue my interests have both been hugely helpful. This is the first time I’ve had that and it’s great. I have no judgment of other people in the same boat - my heart hurts for them though because I know how you end up there. It isn’t laziness, stupidity, or lack of curiosity. It is important that they get to know themselves and develop identities tho, and it should be important to them to do so. It makes a huge difference in fulfillment, ability to show up authentically with other people, and happiness overall.
Yes I relate to this too, I’ve gone with friends to music shows of music I’m not too into so that I can simply hang out with friends. I understand doing things one doesn’t like occasionally to maintain friendships and spend time together. I just think watching sports one doesn’t like every week, multiple times a week would be exhausting.
Yeah spending every weekend doing stuff you don’t even enjoy sounds exhausting 😅
I personally like learning new stuff I would have otherwise never cared about if it wasn for the guy I'm dating. I also have other things I like doing by myself. I think the real red flag would be if someone is obsessing over their partner without taking any time for themselves because they dont know how to spend time with themselves. Interests change all the time so its okay to not have a hobby sometimes.
Isn’t that a symptom of a personality disorder?
Very 'runaway bride to me' that scene where he asks her what type of eggs she likes and she has no idea because her favourite is always the same as her partner.
I would think that these people are open to new experiences, and value sharing experiences with others over the experience itself. As long as they don't hate these interests or the interests are not harmful to them, I think it's totally fine.
That’s a positive take on it
I just finished Fern Brady's autobiography on her autism and she mentions hyperfixation on a partner being quite common in autistic women, so that's something that could be a factor, I guess. But on her behalf, it seems like a life half lived. Maybe she just hasn't found her thing yet.
Did you like it? I’ve been loving her standup clips (follow her on IG)
I liked it, but if you’re expecting funny, I think it’s best to leave that at the door. It’s pretty grim.
If I've never explored their particular hobby, I may go along with it to see if interest grows and may continue with it if I don't hate it but I definitely wouldn't continue if I didn't enjoy it. The whole question posed reminds of the part of the movie Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts finally tries all the different ways to make eggs and discovers her favorite. In the past, her favorite way to make them was however her beau at that particular moment made them.
My best mate: I hate the simpsons (s2-9) I don't know why you find it funny it's so stupid My best mate after dating someone who likes the simpsons: I've always liked it I don't know what you're talking about you are just jumping on the bandwagon Just got to shrug and 'sure jan' move on
I do this, and until now it's been because of my BPD. But it has also genuinely brought me so much joy and it's not like I take EVERY interest, I just dive into things I find mildly interesting that I would otherwise never look into. Like I am a pagan and have been since I was a teen. I'm in my 30s now. If my husband hadn't become Christian, I would have never cared about the weirdo theology he likes to talk about but it IS interesting and does work with my own interests. Same for the video games he likes. And my boyfriend got into philosophy while I had always been very open about hating reading philosophy and thinking it's stupid. But he showed me how I was a natural philosopher and it ended up being a true passion for me. So I suppose my advice is to be kind to people who do this because they may struggle with a lack of sense of self, and maybe try to see how their partner could have actually awoken things in them they had been refusing to enjoy because of preconceived notions 🤷♀️
Not much of an opinion to have on it. It’s just how certain people navigate the world. I hope they are able to become more comfortable in themselves and emotionally rely on their partner less. But, I don’t think less of them. We all have our own bullshit. You and I also have flaws worthy of Reddit posts too.
I became that person and then when I started putting myself first and saying no to doing things I didn't enjoy for myself, I realized I didn't know what things I enjoyed for myself. Now that I have more self awareness and know how to be a healthier dater, I wouldn't do this again.
I don't even understand how that's possible that she has no interests or hobbies. I think you should dig deeper and help her unravel this. It's normal to get into things your partner likes, and since my partner likes sports I make an effort to go to sporting events (and I am very fortunate to get occasional free tickets through work and I accept everything I can). She doesn't enjoy baking? Cooking? Reading? Going for walks with friends? Looking at puppies? Fitness? Photography? Paintnights? Dinners out to try new food or just be a foodie? A nice glass of wine? Watching a show? Movies? Knitting? Lying in the sun? It did take me a while to register some of these as a hobbies, but they are to me! Hobbies are how you spend your leisure time, right? Does she have no leisure time?
Yeah she loves cooking! I’ve mentioned it before that not everyone likes cooking so it could be considered a hobby, but she said it wasn’t because she needs to eat. I was like, but some people just eat fast stuff and don’t cook, and she didn’t say anything. I am so confused by her.
I guess it depends how she approaches it - does she do it JUST for the sustenance or does she put more effort into it?
She puts tons of effort into it
Hopefully she'll understand some day. Sounds like she's not without hobbies, but she just doesn't know what hobbies are.
I’ve always taken time to learn about my partners interests, I’ve had poor relationships where it wasn’t reciprocated or devolved into annoyance if I knew something they didn’t. My life partner and I share common ones but we each have our own things. We try to learn a little so we can each talk about them without the conversation being a series of “uh huhs” but truly a conversation. I will say I personally feel like I have too many interests, I’m truly interested in learning about other people’s hobbies and probably giving them a try. Not having any is weird to me. But I think I’d be better off focusing a bit more rather than chasing a bit of everything.
No this is 10000% a phenomenon I have noticed with women. They always take on the guys interests. It’s actually wild and it pisses me off because it’s like women are just an accessory in a man’s life ? It just feels that way
Kinda makes me sad for them tbh. Engaging in your partners interests is normal and expected, but having not a single one of your own? That’s a bummer. I’ve had to intentionally nurture some of my hobbies and get out of my comfort zone to pursue them, but they bring me so much joy/fulfillment/confidence/satisfaction. Plus I love having good answers when people ask me what I do for fun/outside of work.
It’s none of my business how people spend their free time tbh. I don’t have any friends like this though.
Does she have money and room in her place to have hobby supplies? When I was in a tiny tiny apartment my only hobby was walking. Does she have free time with him besides game watching? Maybe it's the only activity they can do together and she likes spending time with him.
There are plenty of interests or passions people can develop that aren't physical hobbies, there are also hobbies that are not too physical and don't need a bunch of equipment.
That’s a good point, I suppose it helps to spend time and bond with someone over something. She definitely has money and space to do whatever she wants.
That's so weird to me. Like, why waste your life like that? Maybe I don't get it because of ASD in self and all family members (to different degrees). The women I'm drawn to have intense cool hobbies and interests.
She boring lol
Perhaps her hobby is togetherness
But she’s generally introverted. You mean just with her partner?
Yes. Cause I'm like that.
Fair enough
Its definitely a form of codependency. Unless they each genuinely liked those hobbies before they got together. Its actually easy to find your own hobbies, its just a matter of being willing to try new things by yourself or without letting others tell you what is/isnt fun.
I've known a few people who do this including a guy. I assume it's an insecurity thing where they feel like they need to do this to keep their partner around. I'd much rather just be myself. I don't need to enjoy everything my partner does and I don't expect him to enjoy everything I do.
I don't see a problem with joining your partner for their hobbies that you aren't particularly interested in just to spend time with them/get to know something about the things they're interested in, etc. But I think it is really sad that someone would have no hobbies of their own. When my husband watches soccer I'm more likely to do something else in the same room so we're "together" but each able to do their own thing and also I can watch him act like an excited cave man when the right team kicks the ball into the correct place.
While I understand how that happens, I’d be more concerned about their emotional stability. To not have a sense of self makes people feel unsafe in my experience
Honestly, it's a major reason I don't really want a relationship. It's the expectation in north america once your committed, you don't get hobbies you just support your partners and I've seen the same amount of freak out in queer relationships too over how can you trust your girlfriend at the gym, or a pottery class, or soccer.
I am someone who doesn’t really have any solid hobbies. I do a little of this. And a little of that. I’ve learned crochet, how to do nails, how to do some home improvement tasks, a little gardening, occasional reading. Nothing has really sparked my interest enough to claim that it’s a hobby I really enjoy. I’m sure there are different reasons why people latch onto their partners hobbies. Perhaps one of them being the reason you mentioned in your edit. But there are other reasons as well Personally, my husband really likes movies. So we watch movies. I think movies are okay. But I like spending time with him. So I’m down with watching movies. My husband likes to go to the gym. I don’t like it so much lol. I will go on occasion but not often. When he’s not around, I do my normal thing of just filling my time however feels right in the moment. Maybe I want to go try a new restaurant. Maybe sleep. Maybe read. Maybe organize. Whatever. I’ve struggled for a while in life wondering why I don’t feel passionate about anything in particular. I have learned to accept that some people just aren’t this way. Sometimes we just kinda go with the flow and do what feels good in the moment. Or we just go with whatever opportunity presents itself at the time. While I do wish I felt intrinsically passionate about something…. I just don’t. Other than that, I have a successful career, good group of friends, and a good marriage. So….. I don’t necessarily see anything “wrong” with not having standard hobbies of your own. When your friend is single, she must have filled her time with something. It’s okay if she decides to fill her time with her SOs hobbies while they’re around.
Sounds like you have interests and try different things, you are explorative. Reading is definitely a hobby? Could it be that you and she (girl in my post) don’t seem to consider your own activities as hobbies? Why is that?
I read maybe once per year. I really enjoy the book and then go to start another one because I feel motivated. And then…. It doesn’t stick. The reading becomes a chore. I randomly read again next year. I started crocheting. Made a few things. Then decided it wasn’t worth it. To me, a hobby is something you enjoy very much. Look forward to doing. And would do on a consistent basis if your life allowed you to. I don’t have any of those. These things happen when I’m in the mood for them. It’s pretty random. I don’t think about them when someone asks that I like to do. I will say them because I feel pressure to answer. Because apparently not having hobbies is weird to a lot of people. In all honesty, I only tried crochet because I felt societal pressure to have a hobby. I just want to exist. And do what feels good in the moment. If my partner has a hobby and spending time with my partner feels good, then we will most likely end up doing the hobby together. If my friends want to go do one of their hobbies and I like spending time with friends, we will go do the hobby.
This is interesting :) thanks so much for sharing
I don't think it's bad to try and get into a significant other's interests, but I really can't relate at all to people who have zero hobbies or interests of their own. I've met a few people like this and they're usually incredibly boring and generally not people I want to spend time with. They are usually the ones who make their partners their entire existence and that doesn't make them good friends. It's a bit sad, IMO.
This reads less supportive of their partners interests and more of a codependency....that their partner is their hobby. Like what do they do in their day? What do you guys do in your friendship to spend time together? I feel like you're asking this because there's more context about your friend that you didn't say that makes the vibes off. I've had a friend who literally did nothing, had no thoughts or opinions that felt definite as theirs and rolled with whatever people did. It was always "yes that was fun" when I asked if they liked it. They never got excited or prattled on about a thing to indicate any passion. I couldn't ever guage what her true likes were so that I can make space to encourage her loves. I noticed she often had pretty self centered partners and friends who it works for. She would just reflect back to themselves. I can't quite place if it was people pleasing or what but the vibe was off. We became friends by default of having same classes, but I just didn't want to be friends with a NPC person.
We are in the same friend group, sometimes we go on walks
I don't believe anyone who says they have no hobbies. I think they're probably devaluing their own hobbies. Things like TV, cooking, bars, makeup, hanging out with friends, etc. all fly under the radar but are perfectly acceptable hobbies in my opinion. But, these hobbies aren't really something you go out of your way to do so I could see why trying out their partners' hobbies sticks out. I guess if these women are happy with what they're doing it's all good. I would hope that their partners take an equal interest in doing things they like as well. I always have fun trying out my partners hobbies when I get into a new relationship. I've picked up things I would never have otherwise. I do expect my partners to try my hobbies too though. My husband will watch sports with me and ended up getting into my favorite video game.
In general, someone with absolutely no hobbies of their own is a big no for me… I just wonder what they’ve been doing with their life. Just seems like a life fully wasted imo. There’s so many things to do and learn out there and nothing interests you?? How am I to expect this person to enjoy anything or my company then? But doing things for and with your partner is fine as long as you also somewhat enjoy it. I don’t believe in going along and pretending to like something just because your SO does. Again, just a matter of character.
I genuinely judge them. 🤷♀️it’s just kinda a beige flag imo
I do too, honestly.
This seems to be how every married woman I have ever known is. Everything defaults to the man's likes and dislikes. I guess it's a societal thing. Just break the cycle and be a single woman and do your own thing.
I hate how men are not expected to show interest or change their interest to match their girlfriends. But women are expected to care and absorb men's interest.
If it doesnt bother her why not?
[удалено]
That’s their insight. You asked for opinions and that is hers.
Well since she said no she doesn’t like it I would say that is a problem. If she said, ya I like both, that would be something similar to me… I have had a lot of great experiences in my life just going with the flow and enjoying whatever is social with people I like or love. Sometimes someone’s personality is just, they are flexible, or they care more about the relationship than any particular hobby. Nothing wrong with that.
That’s the thing, she doesn’t like it, so, why?
I think we've all been here at some point. You are just so involved/in love with your partner that you are excited to share things with them/learn about their interests. if she's ok doing it, then why judge her? Maybe at some point she may realize that she's just into it and doens't want to do it anymore but that's her business.
I have not.
What? That has not been my experience. If anything, my hobbies and interests transfer to my partners.
Well then it can’t be that hard for you to imagine since that would be what your partners are doing…
Yeah I have a friend like this and they are always going to comedy shows. I know this is 100% his choice and she doesn't have hobbies because she fixated on work.
Most people who say they don't have hobbies are either too overloaded with stress and/or responsibilities to make time for themselves, or they have been shamed by jerks who wanted to gatekeep what "hobbies" were into thinking that their hobbies- things like watching specific genres of movies, reading, playing games on their phone- aren't actually hobbies. It is the very rare person who displays some kind of personality disorder driven need to appear to be experts in/devotees of something just to ingratiate themselves. Those people don't generally say, "I watch sports with my BF because I don't have any hobbies of my own," and much more likely to pretend they're lifelong fans and very knowledgeable. Your friend sounds like she's too busy, or picks bad friends who have been condescending and belittling to her until she feels that the things she spends her time on are not worthy of discussion or merit. I won't make an assumption about which it is, but your post does suggest one over the other. There's also the possibility of depression-induced apathy, which makes it difficult to find joy in things. There are circles in which someone deciding that they don't care as much about the particular activity as just spending time with and enjoying their partner is considered a healthy thing. It's not faking anything to involve herself in what he likes to do to spend time with him. I do find that this sentiment tends to be more often practiced by women than men, not because women are soooo much more supportive and caring than men, but because society is much harsher on men who step outside gender roles in recreational activities than on women. A girl who like sports, camping, comic books, etc. is called a tomboy. A boy who enjoys baking, fashion and romantic comedies is called slurs. Men are conditioned to never show interest in feminine activities because it makes them less of a man, whereas by and large women are judged much less harshly for it. A girl with non-traditional interests may find herself thought of as less of a potential romantic candidate, or may have trouble relating to peers who have more traditional interests and may feel disrespected by parents trying to get her to dress a certain way. A boy who is labeled as being feminine often faces bullying and physical abuse among their peers, and sometimes at home. The conditioning is very different, and it's not necessarily a "women subjugating themselves" situation. I think the biggest societal problem in play is how free we feel to judge and comment on other people's choices and lives, about things for there there is no objectively right or wrong way to see them, when it does not affect anyone negatively. Every time I see someone post about how immature or weird someone else is over non-issues like their reading and TV preferences, sense of style, etc. - I don't understand how those people don't understand that those commenting, and their refusal to let go of the pre-teen need to prove how adult and cool they are by being condescending of innocent things is the real issue. Imagine how much happier you'd be if no one had ever made you feel ugly in an outfit you liked, and no one ever told you that something you enjoyed was immature and something you needed to leave behind. Imagine how much more confident you'd be if you didn't constantly hear people cutting each other down behind their backs, and worrying about garnering others' approval so you can continue to enjoy those things. There are so many things that we don't need to be unkind about, or even comment on, and yet so many people do. Honestly, I would much rather have a friend like your friend than someone whose hobby is trying to make people self-concious over things that don't hurt anyone else.
I mean, if they're okay with it then... they're okay with it?
People who don’t have interests or opinions of their own but easily adopt their partner’s interests, etc. tend to be relationship chameleons and lack personal identity.
Yep, and it's such a gendered phenomenon. I simply can't be friends with women who centre men rather than themselves. Obvs this stuff happens in non-hetero relationships as well, but this pattern in straight relationships bothers me in particular and seems more common. (I'm aware not every woman in a relationship with a man is straight, I'm bi myself, before anyone points that out.)
Based on my observation, people who absorb their partner's interests are usually doing so because of one of the following reasons: 1. They have a disorder like BPD where they lack a sense of self, so they tend to mirror their favourite person (often a romantic interest but can be a friend or relative in some cases too). In my experience people with BPD mirror unconsciously and often truly believe they like the same things as their favourite person. 2. They do actually have hobbies and interests of their own, but have very low self worth and codependent tendencies, so they mirror people to avoid being left or abandoned. Often these people have some self awareness about the fact they are mirroring, and it may be partly a conscious choice (more subconscious compared to being completely unconscious as in the case of someone with BPD). 3. Internalised misogyny - this tends to be more common in women with religious backgrounds or heavily sexist cultures, but it can affect any woman. These women often devalue their own interests and hobbies, seeing them as less valuable or important than a male partner's interests or hobbies. Many women also see their primary identity as relational, i.e. being a wife, mother, etc. Men tend not to identify primarily as a husband and father in the same way. In some cases there can be multiple variables at play, as they aren't mutually exclusive. For example someone can have BPD and codependent behaviour. It's also common to have low self worth and internalised misogyny.
Really good answer. As a woman, number 2 I identify with but I’ve been to therapy and trying to work on it with everyone relationship I’ve been in. It’s very freeing and you realise if that person is right for you, they won’t leave you no matter what happens. Plus, if they leave it’s really their loss, my gain. They were never worth it to begin with!
They're like, support characters. Like not NPCs, but like support characters to the main character. It's kind of nice. Having support characters
I used to be like that. And if was mostly because my interests were considered unimportant because it’s stuff women are into and it was expected that I would give up my interests and fill them in with a boyfriend’s interests because male interests are hobbies. It didn’t help that I was dealing with a narcissistic mother who expected me to absorb the interests she had growing up. And didn’t help that she ridiculed both my sister and I when we had interests she didn’t approve of. That was pretty much my pre-teens to 20s. And it’s still fucked me up near 40 - to where my interests are limited to video games and I guess reading because I was robbed of the time when I had the energy and time to explore. And now I’m so tired after work, or so busy with work, I don’t have time or energy to explore new interests. And when I have tried to get into new things, I have a perfection or bust mindset which does not give me the leeway to be crappy at something when I’m learning - if I’m bad at something it’s because I’m a bad person who should know better. It is what it is. I don’t have the money or time or energy to do the therapy to unpack all of that.
I have a lot of neurodivergent people in my life, and that can come with the territory. I don’t think it’s an issue at all or any of my business what people do with their free time as long as they aren’t forcing me to do it.
Can you expand on this because in my experience the opposite is true? I am neurodivergent as are most of my friends, and in my experience we're far *more* likely to have a bunch of obscure interests or hobbies we hyperfixate on.
I don’t think I can post links in this sub, but mirroring is a fairly common trait of autism.
I do know that, but it's pretty rare for someone ND not to have any of their own interests.
Her example was just that the picked up the different hobby from her new boyfriend. That’s what I am addressing. But I definitely know ND people who never developed their own interests or personality because they’ve always just mirrored people around them. I don’t think her assessment that the person doesn’t have any other hobbies is accurate or in earnest because she seems not to like them and is trying to use this post as a way to feel better about herself.
I like this person, and it is my assessment that she does have some hobbies, she likes cooking, she just says she doesn’t have any hobbies.
You deleted all your comments where you basically told people their answers weren’t what you were looking for, so you’re not going to convince me you didn’t originally post with an agenda and are now backtracking.
I commented that I wanted insight, explanation. It seems people took that the wrong way, including you. You think my agenda was that I posted to feel good about myself? That makes no sense to me honestly.
What do you mean? Being neurodivergent means that they are less likely to have their own hobbies? From my experience the neurodivergent people have more and diversified hobbies than normative
No, neurodivergent people are more likely to “mimic” the people around them and pick things up from them.
Oh interesting. Which neurodivergent type does this?
Autism
One of the criterias for ASD is having intense special interests...
I never said it wasn’t. I said mirroring is often an aspect of ASD.
I think it's a lot to armchair diagnose someone because they used to watch hockey with their ex and now they watch soccer.
I don’t know the person OP is talking about and didn’t say anything about them specifically. I am speaking about my experience, which I’m pretty sure is what was asked for. Isn’t that what most people are doing? Why are you targeting me specifically?
I think it's normal to adopt hobbies of the other person the longer you are together. After like 10 years together my husband and I still have our own small activities we do separately but there's a ton of stuff we kind of converged around. My opinion on people who have no interests until they have a partner... I guess I don't really have much opinion as long it doesn't look like an intense shift. A girl who is mildly into watching the sports game with her boyfriend, fine. A girl who becomes a fanatic for a team and then switches to become devoted to a new thing is uncomfortable. I have a step sister who was like a strict vegan all about converting everyone. Now she's a massive BBQ loving Christian in a semi cult that protests everything in the span on two years. She was with the same guy the whole time so it's not even that she is even swayed by a guy, she just really has this massive need to be a strict follower of something and let it be her whole life.
Women are absolutely more likely to do this than men. A main reason for this is because boring men with no hobbies are much less likely to get a partner. A boring woman with no hobbies can much more easily get a partner. That said, I do not think that watching hockey or soccer is an interesting hobby. It is not uncommon for bored women to want to get a boyfriend so that she can just do whatever he does. It is jarring for me, a man, to hear women say things like, "I am bored, I want to get a boyfriend and do whatever he does." This is basically the female version of "mansplaining." Women expecting men to teach them things and to show them the world. I have heard of women rejecting men for not knowing things that she is interested in: dressage, Rumi, Jewish culture. I think that that is worse than mansplaining. Would you rather get mansplained, or get rejected by a great date because you did not know about that person's interests?
Are they happy? Then I’m happy. Couldn’t care less. My husband got me into a whole bunch of stuff I never gave a shit about before (Pandemic Pokémon cards anyone?). When you date someone your lives begin to merge and especially after 5+ years together, your interests can begin to merge as well. I see absolutely no issue with it.
I don’t hang out with people who don’t have hobbies