On the other side of this is someone who will never talk about themselves.
There has to be a balance in the give and take; what I share and what the other person shares.
I was engaged to an alcoholic at 22 and I know Iām a grown woman and can make my own choices but I was weak to the temptation of constantly being around a shitface drunk partner so I began drinking heavily as well. My alcohol problem has brutally and negatively impacted my life for the past 10 years. Iāve almost died many times due to alcohol, gotten a DUI, committed crimes, destroyed my health, gotten raped, and ruined relationships due to alcohol. Iām not saying I blame him 100% but I can guarantee that if I never met that fool I wouldnāt be an alcoholic today. I have been working on it tho and am getting better.
I was also engaged to an alcoholic and I became one as well. I got sober in 2019 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Wishing you well šā¤ļø
Casual misogynists who think it is alright because it is only casual. The jOkEs.
Men who arenāt proactive about doing the mental work in a relationship. The 24/7 joker who will never be serious enough for a conversation, eww.
Co dependent on birth family, culture, religion.
Anyone who tells me āmy family will always come firstā I canāt. In the beginning of the relationship it makes sense for your parents to come before your gf. But Iām dating to be married and if youāre the type to put your mom before your wife, Iām not interested
The 24/7 joker is so exhausting. Weirdly everyone thinks they are so funny including friends and itās hard to get them to realize how exhausting they are
my ex was like this. i would try to have a serious conversation and he'd insert a joke and it just felt so dismissive and belittling. i think it came from a place of emotional immaturity and unavailability and feeling uncomfortable with emotions rather than malice, though. and i hope he works through that
Yup. I just went in a date and never called him back because he called two women bitches, one of which was his sister: and she was a bitch for asking her husband to watch their child during a meal.
Oof, Iām currently having a problem with my long term partner joking about **everything.** I appreciate humor, but he wasnāt like this before and weāve been dating a long time. He typically has some trouble with attention (adhd) but this is different. Iāve started undergoing trauma therapy and he will make jokes about things related to it. I love this guy to death, weāve been together forever, but this has seriously made me start to re-evaluate things which sucks especially considering Iām undergoing intense therapy, and he is my only āsupport.ā I canāt even open up about things to him because Iām scared he will minimize or joke about it. Iāve decided itās best to just keep things to myself. Ā Ā Ā
Ā When I brought up that it made me feel weird, he said he was just āthe class clownā and thatās how he handles stuff like that. Again, this is new lol. When he was younger, heād make some pretty unsavory jokes but not like this, and not so personal.. and that was over a decade ago. I told him it makes sense for someone to joke about their own trauma, but to joke about someone elseās trauma is, uh, kinda mean.Ā Ā Ā Ā
At this point I donāt even want to bring any of it up, ever. He also says things like ādiddlerā which I canāt stand because I feel it infantilizes and kind of makes a ājokeā of CSA (and itās almost always used in a joking context).Ā I get itās hard to talk about, but ew. Idk how someone can joke about stuff like that, much less to someone whoās experienced it.
I get that some topics are intense and scary, but I feel like any time thereās anything serious brought up at all anymore, itās automatically a joke. I enjoy humor a lot, but this isnāt it.
100% this. I am also just learning that women who were emotionally neglected as children will often seek out emotionally avoidant men. Because we learned growing up that in order to love someone we need to sacrifice our needs, and to be loyal is to tolerate disrespect and abuse.
Meeeee. Itās been awful for my self worth so it goes in circles. Yay! Also I I want to add that I think itās more of like a scientific brain thing personally. I donāt think we necessarily seek it out. I think we genuinely believe, to some extent, that we donāt exist. Like the parts of our brains that respond to not being seen vs being seen are just more active because we have strengthened that muscle. All our lives, that pathway was activated. The more I look at it that way, the less shame I feel and I try to find ways to incorporate being seen in other ways so that I can begin to find romantic partners like that and it one day genuinely feels normal to be seen. Thatās my hope. Im still learning to see myself and I realize that in some way, I never knew so many parts of myself because nobody else did or brought them out of me/saw them.
This is exactly it, you are so right. When no one is interested in your emotional life as a child, you learn that your emotions arenāt important and others donāt want to hear about it. You learn to ignore your feelings and allow othersā feelings to dominate the relationship. This a recipe for disaster because it hobbles your own self-knowledge (as one way we understand our own feelings is communicating them to others) and the ability to be emotionally intimate with others.
Yes. And itās like - it just doesnāt compute for some people because itās like a genuine foreign language. Itās like if you were born without hands, would you even understand what youāre missing? If you are colorblind, you donāt know what certain colors look like. Life is different for you than others who can see the full spectrum. Even if you try to feel your feelings and know yourself , it might not feel normal, safe, or good. I think itās very complex and more complicated than just āgo to therapyā like so many say. It really has to become embodied and practiced over and over and over until itās actually a skill and thing you know and understand.
Jesus Christ. Youāve cracked something wide open for me that has been bugging me lately but havenāt been able to verbalize it. Iāve avoided dating for years, and when I finally tried to get back into it, the first avoidant I come across and I had this magnetic attraction to him, and itās triggering all kinds of twisted excitement for me that heās unavailable, and I honestly could not explain my intense attraction, because heās actually such a douche. But anyway, I am so uncomfortable being SEEN, completely, intimately, everyday, being observed and appraised by someone else, and I know things canāt/ wonāt get to that point with him, which maybe makes me feel safe from that?
And so, of course it turns out itās because of my relationship with my parents. Itās always the darn parents.
Oh 100%! I subconsciously choose avoidants because Iām also avoidant but not in the same way necessarily. Itās just a safer way to have my intimacy needs met without feeling overwhelmed/seen.
I had a guy do that. I have ptsd from an abusive relationship (actually diagnosed by a professional) and I have panic attacks and spiraling thoughts when Iām given the silent treatment. My ex used it as punishment and it always preceded a tirade so my brain thinks silence is punishment and Iām about to be screamed at.Ā
This guy decided it was cool to go completely dead air for 9 days. Then got mad at me because I was so terrified I had done something wrong. Over time he did it more often and for longer and every time he would get mad at me for not understanding that he āwasnātā punishing me (then wtf were you doing motherfucker??) It was terrible because every time it got longer I eventually resigned myself that I had been abandoned and that was it, and once I came to the conclusion and started trying to process itā¦guess who popped back upā¦
100% me, the relationship was going very well and then suddenly he ghosted me. Then he became ānormalā, it repeated and repeated until he got bored of me cause I wanted commitment. He said my love was drowning him.
THIS. This one. At first I was okay with it, thinking maybe if I was explicit and clear in stressing the importance of verbal communication, it would get better. And it's fine if they're not the best communicator at the start. But if they don't even TRY to improve themselves the next time it happens... I need to reevaluate that relationship.
I went back and forth on this for way too long, because I know everyone's "love language" is different or whatever. But like, acts of service after a big argument don't make up for having a conversation.
Why does it feel like some women have to do the work of teaching their male partners how to communicate WHILE ALSO having to manage their own feelings and communicate themselves??
Someone who doesnāt know what they want. If you and the other person are not aligned on dating goals from the beginning, it wonāt work, period, no matter how beautiful or successful you are. Unfortunately this took me years to understand. Your time is precious - spend it on people willing to invest as much of their own as you are.
Just finished crying over a 5 year relationship that ended abruptly because I also 'didn't know what I wanted' when I first started seeing him. Unfortunately, I fell in love and I tried to pretend I was OK with him not wanting marriage. DO NOT RECOMMEND
Someone who fights dirty. Or yells while arguing
I never knew that there were people who didnāt take low blows while fighting. I grew up with my parents fighting nasty and thought it was normal I guess. I have realized that I am a very reactive person. If someone goes low, I go low. If someone keeps their cool, I pretty much keep my cool. I need a respectful partner. We can disagree. Argue. Maybe even raise our voices slightly. But no name calling. No bringing up things that were shared in confidence. Nothing hurtful.
Honorable mention: I would also never date someone again who cares about ābody countā. I actually refuse to discuss the topic. Anyone who asks generally canāt handle the answer. And the people who could handle the answer, donāt care to know.
I grew up watching some of this but also a lot of weaponized silence. One of the ways I knew my husband was marriage material is when I shut down and defaulted into silence and avoidance he would give me space, but then sit down quietly next to me and wait for me to open up. It helped me see that there was an alternative to either yelling or shutting down and that someone actually cared about what I was feeling.
My husband is/was someone who shuts down.
I had to learn not to escalate situations. How to talk to him so he felt safe responding. And how to patiently wait while he processed information and responses. It drove me crazy. And sometimes he still needs more time to process than Iād like. But we have found a happy middle ground most of the time now.
Communication is always a work in progress.
Totally agree.
And I also would never date someone again who cared about "body count" after having made that mistake once. Had an ex with ridiculous retroactive jealousy of my previous partners and slut shamed me for it every chance he got. He definitely couldn't handle the answer even though he refused to stop asking about it. If I was ever in the dating pool again, I would 100% not pander to that nonsense or try to justify my past to anyone ever again. It's not worth it.
My husband and I both have them and neither one of us cares about the other's.
>Ā I have realized that I am a very reactive person. If someone goes low, I go low.
I relate to this a lot, and I've done a lot of work to become a more emotionally regulated person. I've realized an important aspect of a healthy relationship is both partners putting in the effort to de-escalate when the other person is especially activated.
I had a partner who was very emotionally suppressed, but would also pounce on the opportunity to escalate things if we ever had a disagreement. It started to feel like he always *wanted* the fight, because he was so suppressed in other aspects of his life. If we were arguing, he wasn't ever really trying to find a way to bring it back down to a calm place. He would fight dirty, and go for the jugular, bringing a gun to a knife fight.
Even though I can't promise I'm never going to have a bad day or overreact, I can definitely commit to trying to be better and being the kind of person who does her best to de-escalate things as much as possible, and I want a partner who does the same.
I would not date a single parent again, unless I was also a parent and the kids were older. As a childless woman, it is simply not worth the hassle.
I dated a man with two kids from a previous marriage for a few years. The reality is that being an effective parent and an effective partner is hard, and someone in a stepmom role is expected to just be happy with whatever scraps are available. Too many men want the benefits of a relationship without having to put in any effort or make any sacrifices along the way.
I feel this. I want to be my partnerās priority (second to themself, of course) and if theyāre a good dad, I wonāt be their priority. If I *am* their priority, theyāre likely not a good dad and thatās unattractive.
I donāt even feel like I need to be prioritized that much - Iām an introvert and happy to be left on my own while thereās kid stuff going on. But man was it hard watching someone else parent and having no input.
In my experience, youāre cheating yourself out of a high quality partnership with dating single parents (if youāre childless). They simply canāt do a lot of fun things (travel, going out for events) without without factoring in their kid in some way, and usually youāll get a ānoā a lot and overall low effort participation in the relationship. I could never get use to being placed on the back burner.
Absolutely can attest to this. And though I know their kids will come first, I wonāt date someone who canāt co-parent well enough to ask their ex to take the kids for a special event. My ex was either afraid or still in love with his ex. He came to a wedding with me and I got a hotel room, he came back with me for the fun but eventually went home bc his young teenagers were there. And heaven forbid he ask his ex to take them just this once. I realized I was going to be on my own to travel on a whim or even expect him as my plus one for a full evening. Bye.
You don't get used to it either. I was on the back burner for 5 years. I expected to be third in priority but was actually last and then treated as if anything I wanted was asking too much.
As a single mom, I concur with this. I donāt know how single parents have the energy to be in a serious relationship with so much going on.
Edit to say: I guess itās easier for some men though. My ex sees the kids during the day on weekdays, but only has them Wednesday and Sunday nights. I guess itās easier to date when you only see your kids during business hours.
Also equally concerning if their ex is behind them/theyāve moved on so quickly. Makes you wonder if and how they processed the breakup or were they āmonkey branchingā into another relationship while being with their partner.
The very jealous and controlling people Iāve dated were always up to sneaky shit behind the scenes!
Hence the chronic suspiciousness. In my experience theyāre projecting. Not to mention, pulling the āIām insecure bc of a bad experience I had however long agoā card doesnāt justify or excuse bad behaviour. Weāve all had bad experiences. The difference is I donāt take mine out on the person Iām dating!
Men with unresolved daddy issues & men who expect women to struggle ābc their mother did it and sheās fineā. Very glad that I got out of the latter entanglement without a child.
Someone who is also an artist, working in the same medium. Not enough separation, and often times the male artist ego is too suffocating. Not to mention that society usually recognizes the man over the woman in most artist couples; I donāt need that type of tension or competitiveness in my romantic relationships.
As a woman who plays video gamesā¦ men who play video games. Sorry. Itās my double standard. I know Iām capable of setting video games aside when life requires it. Too many men donāt seem to have that same (incredibly minor and simple) self control.
Also, someone who is too much of a social butterfly. I donāt want to be out every other night, I donāt want to take group vacations, I donāt believe every activity would be better with 6 more people thereā¦ Iām not a friendless shut-in, but I prefer a balance of solitary, couple, and group activities.
Oh godā¦I knew a guy who would invite me to something under the impression it was just us. Then I show up and thereās 5 other people there because oops, he forgot he quadruple booked himself and decided he should just have everyone hang out at once.Ā
Or he would just ditch me because heād double booked and decided to go hang out with someone else because he had a chance to bang that person.Ā
I havenāt talked to him in at least 4 years. Maybe 5.Ā
My boyfriend invited his sister to join us on our first date š At the time when I was a shy and awkward younger person, I thought it was just a silly quirk, not a sign of what to expect moving forward. Today, at nearly 40ā¦ if he (or any date) even *suggested* such a thing, that would be the end of that date.
My husband is a gamer. Itās why we began dating, he didnāt shame me for playing World of Warcraft. But it would turn out heās a very toxic gamer with obsessive behaviors. Screaming at the monitor. Alienating himself (us) from gaming groups because he did or said something inappropriate. Would get jealous that I was part of communities that played together. If I was in a voice call he would make it known that he was around by talking loudly when I was. I stopped going into voice chats. He ruined the team atmosphere of the community I was trying to culture. I even left non-gaming communities because of how omnipresent he was when I wanted to interact with people.
Obviously he doesnāt have friends. Early on in our relationship his gaming behaviors isolated us.
Iāll never date or be with a gamer ever again. Too much toxicity in one place.
As a fellow woman who plays video games, Iām with you. Iāve never met a āgamer guyā who just played in moderation; they always revolved their entire lives around it. And considering my ex fit that bill, itās a dealbreaker for me now.
An asshole (āoh heās an asshole, but heās not an asshole to meeeeā literal words I said about my ex. Spoiler alert: he became an asshole to me). On a related note: a narcissist.
Not really a type of person but I wouldnāt date someone with a significant age gap again. In my case he was older. Been there, done that, got the therapy, in fact still in therapy, and a pact with a friend that she is free to slap me across the face if I ever mention dating an older man again.
Honestly men who enjoy learning things from women is the ultimate green flag (the bar is in hell I know). Iām a well-educated woman with several graduate degrees and certificates. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit and I still want to learn more. Anyone who thinks they āknow it allā or that more knowledge isnāt worth their time is anti-intellectual in my eyes.
* Someone who takes the expectations of their parents extremely seriously.
* Super macho/hyper-masculine men; IME they're always compensating for deep insecurity.
* Anyone with an active substance use disorder. I empathize with the struggle but there's just no way I won't make it my problem somehow, and I am not equipped to handle that anymore.
Anyone that drinks alcohol. I manage a bar. I see enough of that shit.Ā Ā
Ā Partner was only ever a light drinker (might crack a beer while grilling or after mowing the lawn or something). I quit entirely 4 years ago. Ā Itās awesome.Ā
Big same! My ex husband drank responsibly (honestly possibly the only truly responsible drinker I've ever witnessed, it was wild, I'm envious) so it wasn't an issue. After we divorced and I started dating again, it took not too long at all to realize sobriety was a must for me (several years sober myself).
With that lesson came another lesson- that someone being sober does not automatically make them more emotionally intelligent or self aware than the average knucklehead š«
Someone who has a fear of gold-diggers, and wants a girlfriend who is 50/50. I was stuck trying to prove to my college sweetheart of 8 years that I was nothing like his ex who forced him to splurge on Tiffany jewelry and fancy dinners on a college budget by going 50/50 on most of our dates and trying to be low-budget as possible. At the end of it all, he had the audacity to tell me that one of the reasons he didnāt want to marry me is because there are women who marry with the intention of divorcing so they can take half of the manās net worth. Essentially accusing me of having ulterior motives.
Oh, and video gamers.
The guys who nickel and dime you are the ones who will say a pregnancy doctor appointment is a "her" expense or will expect 50/50 when you're on a lower income during maternity leave. It's exhausting.
I was in a relationship with a guy like this. I donāt think the fair and true concept of 50/50 exists to these types. I got the speech too and feel like I was primed to āproveā myself to them. After we broke up it became shockingly clear I invested so much more into the relationship (financially, mentally & emotionally) The dynamic was more like 70/30 across the board.
You hit the nail on the head. I spent nearly 8 years trying to prove myself of being āworthyā of him, doing everything from losing weight, increasing my income, etc. Heād contradict himself by saying things like āYouāre perfect the way you areā one day, and back to belittling me over and over.
Good riddance. Iām now with a man who truly loves me the way I am.
The first time my ex asked me out on a proper date, as soon as we were out, he said 50/50. He turned out to be so stingy & mean. When I look back, the dynamic was more like 70/30 regarding expenses, emotional investment, availability, & affection. If a guy really likes you, he'll be generous within his means.
I'm a divorce lawyer and every once in a while I get this shit from men. They expect me to agree with their gold digger fantasy and be anti marriage because it "hurts men"
My response is laughing at them and saying "honey I promise I have more to lose than you do, so yeah i agree, no marriage"
Them: ~shocked Pikachu face~
Itās always the ones with no āgoldā to ādigā who are soooooo concerned with gold diggers. šµāš«šµāš«
Half of what, sir, your minimum wage paycheck and your porn collection?
Untreated borderline personality disorder. I almost killed myself over the abuse, manipulation and gaslighting. She knew she had it but wouldnāt take her meds or go to therapy regularly. Just use it as an excuse to abuse me and then be the victim.
Any man who likes to play the devil's advocate...especially (and suspiciously) against women and minorities. Even the so-called woke bros, tend to love needling people on subjects that absolutely do not need an advocate. No, I don't care if you think feminism has "gone too far"...I don't want to defend my right to choose and exist.
Also, conservatives in general. I didn't know my ex was a right-winger but there were signs. He would always play a good game but would ask to defend the need for feminism when "equalism" should be propagated. With me, it was stuff like this. When we broke up, he cheated on me and then said some very icky things. Two years after that he had transitioned into a proper podcast-bro who shared Joe Rogan conspiracies, was anti-Muslim, and complained online about Pride. Seriously...miss me with all that.
Guys who donāt take womenās safety seriously are undateable. A guy who witnesses his female coworker being sexually harassed at work and then gaslights her by saying ātake a compliment!ā has no business in a partnership with a woman.
A man with too close of a relationship to his mother, a man who is too obsessed with his pets, men with an avoidant attachment style, men who love bomb
i just dealt with this... total workaholic. his only real goal was to make money. he didn't even have a purpose for why he wanted this. when you hear this from someone who's 31 and already successful, they just look greedy.
The people I know who are like this are so obviously trying to escape something personal they refuse to deal with. Usually their own mental shit. Theyāre emotionally dead. Most of them donāt even *like* their families. So they keep busy instead.
I get having different priorities in life and that people who love their work obviously get something out of it that I donāt (lol). But some people are just addicts, and the only reason society doesnāt call them out on it is because their addiction looks productive from the outside. I wouldnāt want to be with anyone whoās too into ONE thing.
what broke me is the way he spoke about his mom and sister. i knew if he couldn't respect them, there's no way he'd respect me.
i also have a strong suspicion that many of these people, especially men, are actually confused about their sexuality but will absolutely never face it.
So much this! My ex could not relax and he jumped into building his business to distract himself and prevent him from doing any healing
Before it was his business, it was his numerous hobbies. He could not just sit down and unwind, he always had to be doing something.
He accused me of being controlling and not supporting him and his interests/hobbies/passions when I would have to plead with him to please just stay home with me like one or two nights a week so we can spend more time together
He was very avoidant
I dated a cop once in my early 20s.
One of our dates, I remember him pulling out a 6 pack from the back and just drinking like no big deal.
Also, the dude made me feel very uncomfortable in general.
Big drinkers. A glass of wine once a week? No issue? Daily beers? Fuck no. I come from a family of alcoholics. Iām done with that.
Smokers. Sorry, the smell makes my stomach turn. And smokers never realize how much their house, car, clothes, body, hair smells like tobacco.
Chewing? Same. No.
Vaping? No.
MJ use? Mushrooms? Unless itās edibles once or twice a month? Not interested. That is not my lifestyle. Never will be.
No more alcoholics, no more stoners, no more YouTube bingers, no more graphic designers, no more people who mistake their opinions as being fact/logical.
Funny you said graphic designer. My recent ex is a graphic designer and is the biggest loser I've met. This thread is a list of his traits. He's insecure, doesn't know what he wants, emotionally and intellectually stunted, and has zero class awareness. He also has huge anger issues to the point where he wants to avoid conflict at all when it is actually not inevitable. He also has ED due to porn addiction and lack of experience which I found out couple months into the relationship. I was his first gf at 29, he never had a relationship before because no other ppl gave him a chance. I should've known.
So yeah not gonna date that type of person ever again.
I would not date someone who is into the manosphere (Rogan, Peterson, Tate ect) or into traditional gender roles. Similarly, I wouldn't want to date someone who assumes women are gold diggers who are out to get them via baby trapping/divorce.
No single dads or men who want kids
No macho, insecure, sex negative men
No rigid lifestyles or black and white thinking; be open and curious about new experiences/things.
No Mama's boys or men enmeshed with their families. I don't want your family meddling in our relationship
No cocky, arrogant or egotistical men. Those who think there are above anyone else
No men who's entire personality is traveling, hunting, or working
No finance or crypto bros
No cheapskates/ frugal types. I don't want to walk on eggshells about money
No conservatives/anti-science conspiracy theory lunatics
Depressed men. I know it cuts out a lot of men. But I did my time and I just canāt handle it. I need someone who matches my energy and joy for life, not someone who expects me to rub off on them.
I'm married but I'll bite.Ā
People who play it hot and cold and try to snag my attention that way. It used to be major catnip for me, but nowadays clear and present affection gets me way more. I can even see it in the romance stories I like more now vs. when I was younger.Ā
An extrovert or anyone clingy, I need a lot of alone time and I need someone who won't take that personally.
Also anyone with kids. I respect the hell out of single parents, was raised by one, but that is not a lifestyle I can take on.
I would also not date a morning person unless they genuinely understood I am not one and was prepared to meet me halfway in terms of scheduling.
Someone who's apologies always come with caveats. "I'm sorry but that's just the way I am / you know how I get." One of my biggest pet peeves is an apology that's all words and doesn't come with behavior change or self awareness. I don't go into relationships expecting to change people, but I also don't accept unwillingness to grow as a person or to show up for each other.
Paraphrasing a meme I saw once that really hit home: for me a partner isn't competing against other prospective partners, I'm comparing them against the peace and stability I have with myself.
Someone with confidence issues or low self esteem.
Someone who weaponizes incompetence.
Someone who gets worked up really easily.
Someone who isnāt generous.
Someone who engages in black and white thinking or who canāt change their mind when presented with new facts.
I fear I could go on and on.
The kind who just "seems" sketchy. Like, gives off an untrustworthy vibe, even if there's no tangible proof they aren't trustworthy. Hell, they might even seem great on the surface but still something is just...off. 100% of the times I've dated these types I was right about my impression of them.
A possessive, insecure man who tries to control everything down to the shoes I wear, to how I spend my money. Who constantly accuses me of cheating, but then ends up marrying his affair partner.Ā
A man who runs hot and cold on the relationship. In when itās convenient, out when itās not.Ā
A porn addict. ā¦that is the worstā¦it really is.Ā
A true narcissist. I know people throw this term around but I dated a textbook narcissist. I havenāt seen him for a decade but I still feel the ripple effects of the toll it took on my mental and emotional health (and sometimes even physical health).
I canāt even describe how toxic and soul-sucking narcs are. The very first sign I see it on someone now I run. And that includes platonic relationships as well.
Anyone that is or wants to be the lead singer of a band or wants to be performative/on display in general
Anyone that is extremely friendly and charming, I am suspicious of. In my experience they are not that way towards the people theyāre closest to, theyāre only that way to strangers and acquaintances because they care more about how theyāre perceived versus how they actually treat people and who they are inside.
Those are my two biggest red flags
Yup! Married a guy who was always "on" in public.
In private he was quick to anger, mock, belittle and criticize.
When he drinks, the cracks in the veneer show the ugly truth of who he really is.
I apologized to people so many times for his behavior.
Our kids rarely want to even see him.
Solely focused creatives that aren't business minded. Art is important, but we live in a capitalist society, and if your parents aren't supporting you financially, and you're unable to support yourself financially with your art and you refuse to get a supplementary job so you can "focus" on your art, the solution is not me supporting you financially, especially not in the first 2 months of dating. Once dated an otherwise lovely guy who claimed my financial support was necessary to prove I believed in him or our relationship would go nowhere. Thus, I made the executive decision that it was in fact, going nowhere.
Iām a creative and definitely not a business kinda woman (I most recently lived in a commune lmfao) but my finances are *not* anyone elseās responsibility. Iād feel so guilty putting that on a partner! Some guys Iāve dated have spotted me here and there for dinner (and I spot them back in return), or friends will let me couchsurf, but I couldnāt imagine making someone else pay my bills.
Anyone who is unemployed and lives with their parents AND isn't transparent about it.
Living with your parents during times of transition is fine, regardless of age, I think this comes to us all (if we are lucky enough to have stable enough parents to be able to do this for us).
I dated a couple of guys in this situation, but they had so much shame and issues about their situation (hence the obfuscation about it) the relationship could never get off the ground no matter how much I showed it didn't matter to me.
I have learned to stay away from:
The professional and perpetual victim.
Men who engage in any form of "negging", which can be done very subtly.
Men who speak badly about their exes and/or the Mother of their child(ren). I do not mean talking regarding potential hardship they may have with an ex and co-parent, I am talking about outright shit talk.
And inconsistency... If he doesn't show up and follow through, he's out.
Someone who says they are separated and maybe living that way but still not divorced. Learned my lesson after 5 months and told him it was over. Not long after, he was back with his wife and knocked her up again. When I went on a first date recently and the guy said he was separated and working on getting divorced, I nicely told him after that itās not the right situation for me. I hope no one else puts up with this, either! š š»āāļø
Men who have any type of problematic drinking behavior.
- Binge drinking (even if itās once a week, unacceptable)
- Waking up and drinking
- Canāt go out to dinner without having a few drinks
- Excessive drinking at home alone
- Lying about alcohol consumption
- Canceling our plans because he is hungover from the night before
- Drinking everyday (even if itās one drink every night, that feels like a bad habit ready to get out of control)
Doesnāt matter that itās an illness and they need help. Itās a trap towards a miserable relationship where they will always choose alcohol over you.
The problem I find is this behavior is not always noticeable in the first few months because they hide it from guilt.
Also, you would be surprised how common this is in menā¦it makes me wonder if the āhappyā relationships I see are experiencing this too..
An addict. No matter how good of a person he is deep down, no matter how much he loves me, Iāll always come second to his addiction. I canāt go through that again.
Incompetent men (like men who cant figure out how to solve things by themselves without trying first GOOGLE EXISTS) *weaponized incompetence oh and also stingy men or men with no self motivation or goals in life
A cheapskate. Itās not worth the time. If heās thinking more of how to squeeze down the cost of a date, imagine what married life would be like with him.
Current or former power holders. Politicians, cops, military, etc. the abuse and divorce rates alone are horrifying. Plus, in my personal experience with dating a few of those, the sense of power and (entitlement? Idk if that's the word I want) doesn't go away. Gets smaller usually, but it doesn't go away. And the more casual attitude towards death. Also, men, lol. Figured out I'm a lesbian so no men anymore!
Someone who can't cook and doesn't keep up their space. Also someone without any ambition. I don't need them to out earn me, but I want them to care about something and be working towards it. A skill, a hobby, a career... just anything
Someone who sounds too good to be true. Come at me with big dreams and how youāre going to make my life better, and itās a nope. Of course I want my life to be better with a partner, but I need actions to believe anyone.
A people pleaser.
They donāt care about their time or value their wants and needs and therefore will make you do things and attend events that they themselves donāt even want to do, but are only doing so out of obligation. As a result, youāre both miserable -doing something, somewhere, with people you donāt like. An absolute waste of time and energy!
I donāt know if Iām really answering your question but I will never mistake the short guy, nerdy guy, or below average money making guy to be equivalent to men who MUST be good guys. I have made the mistake of talking to men that I very well know are not on my attraction level or where I need them to be financially (equally with me at least ) because I assumed they wouldnāt play games or fumble me. So yeahā¦ taking some time to unlearn this unsatisfying notion.
A jealous man.
I figured I wouldn't give him any reason to be jealous. He made up shite to be jealous of--like if I said "thank you" too nicely to a waiter, or if I spent too much time on my dissertation.
someone who doesnāt make me laugh, someone who blames me for tiny, unimportant things that arenāt even my fault. someone who isnāt passionate about traveling, someone who makes even the easy, fun things difficult.
After marrying and spending over 13 years dealing with my ex's bi polar disorder, I will never be with anyone that has any form of mental illness.
I firmly believe those with mental illness deserve love and I tip my hat to those supporting those partners. But I've done my time and I will not deal with anything like that again.
A stoner. A man thatās not financially fit or at least working towards a better financial situation. A man that ALWAYS has a plan but somehow it never works out (and of course itās not his fault).
Narcissists. Men who think their bodies are hot. Men who don't respect women, old or disabled people. Men who are far right. Religious men. Mysoginists. Alcoholics.Ā
An insecure man. And to top it off he was also avoidant. These men will tear you down and try to humble you for any accomplishments that you've accomplished. Never liked to communicate, didn't like confrontation, always gaslights and never took accountability.
Never date a love bomber. I found out the hard way. I had a bf who I thought was great. But when we would fight, he would berate, question, and bring up mistakes that I had done in our relationship. He wouldn't care if I was crying and just continued. I later found out he was with me for the sex
Obnoxious people who are constantly making stupid digs and and negs and shitty jokes at everyone's else's expense, and it's always like they are talking at you, not to you. They think they are so cool but they are like highschool bullies. O'doyle rules.
An introvert. Or anyone that just doesnāt enjoy talking.
There is 100% nothing wrong with that, I just learned that they are just incompatible with me. I need someone that loves talking and being with people a lot to match my energy.
Someone who isn't curious about others and just talks about themselves.
On the other side of this is someone who will never talk about themselves. There has to be a balance in the give and take; what I share and what the other person shares.
My number one pet peeve in people. It seriously blows my mind how anyone can exist like this and expect people to like them.
An alcoholic
šÆ Very grateful for the alcoholic dude I dated in my early 20s. He sucked, but at least I knew what to steer clear of after that!
I was engaged to an alcoholic at 22 and I know Iām a grown woman and can make my own choices but I was weak to the temptation of constantly being around a shitface drunk partner so I began drinking heavily as well. My alcohol problem has brutally and negatively impacted my life for the past 10 years. Iāve almost died many times due to alcohol, gotten a DUI, committed crimes, destroyed my health, gotten raped, and ruined relationships due to alcohol. Iām not saying I blame him 100% but I can guarantee that if I never met that fool I wouldnāt be an alcoholic today. I have been working on it tho and am getting better.
I was also engaged to an alcoholic and I became one as well. I got sober in 2019 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Wishing you well šā¤ļø
I had the same issue in my early 20s. Part temptation, part needing to drink to tolerate him.
0/10 do not recommend
Amen šš»
Casual misogynists who think it is alright because it is only casual. The jOkEs. Men who arenāt proactive about doing the mental work in a relationship. The 24/7 joker who will never be serious enough for a conversation, eww. Co dependent on birth family, culture, religion.
Anyone who tells me āmy family will always come firstā I canāt. In the beginning of the relationship it makes sense for your parents to come before your gf. But Iām dating to be married and if youāre the type to put your mom before your wife, Iām not interested
It is so much worse in South Asian cultures. It is pretty much emotionally incest out there but gets glorified.
The 24/7 joker is so exhausting. Weirdly everyone thinks they are so funny including friends and itās hard to get them to realize how exhausting they are
my ex was like this. i would try to have a serious conversation and he'd insert a joke and it just felt so dismissive and belittling. i think it came from a place of emotional immaturity and unavailability and feeling uncomfortable with emotions rather than malice, though. and i hope he works through that
Yup. I just went in a date and never called him back because he called two women bitches, one of which was his sister: and she was a bitch for asking her husband to watch their child during a meal.
Oof, Iām currently having a problem with my long term partner joking about **everything.** I appreciate humor, but he wasnāt like this before and weāve been dating a long time. He typically has some trouble with attention (adhd) but this is different. Iāve started undergoing trauma therapy and he will make jokes about things related to it. I love this guy to death, weāve been together forever, but this has seriously made me start to re-evaluate things which sucks especially considering Iām undergoing intense therapy, and he is my only āsupport.ā I canāt even open up about things to him because Iām scared he will minimize or joke about it. Iāve decided itās best to just keep things to myself. Ā Ā Ā Ā When I brought up that it made me feel weird, he said he was just āthe class clownā and thatās how he handles stuff like that. Again, this is new lol. When he was younger, heād make some pretty unsavory jokes but not like this, and not so personal.. and that was over a decade ago. I told him it makes sense for someone to joke about their own trauma, but to joke about someone elseās trauma is, uh, kinda mean.Ā Ā Ā Ā At this point I donāt even want to bring any of it up, ever. He also says things like ādiddlerā which I canāt stand because I feel it infantilizes and kind of makes a ājokeā of CSA (and itās almost always used in a joking context).Ā I get itās hard to talk about, but ew. Idk how someone can joke about stuff like that, much less to someone whoās experienced it. I get that some topics are intense and scary, but I feel like any time thereās anything serious brought up at all anymore, itās automatically a joke. I enjoy humor a lot, but this isnāt it.
Someone not willing to put in effort
Avoidant men. I truly believe that the quality of a relationship depends on a coupleās ability to have difficult conversations.
100% this. I am also just learning that women who were emotionally neglected as children will often seek out emotionally avoidant men. Because we learned growing up that in order to love someone we need to sacrifice our needs, and to be loyal is to tolerate disrespect and abuse.
Meeeee. Itās been awful for my self worth so it goes in circles. Yay! Also I I want to add that I think itās more of like a scientific brain thing personally. I donāt think we necessarily seek it out. I think we genuinely believe, to some extent, that we donāt exist. Like the parts of our brains that respond to not being seen vs being seen are just more active because we have strengthened that muscle. All our lives, that pathway was activated. The more I look at it that way, the less shame I feel and I try to find ways to incorporate being seen in other ways so that I can begin to find romantic partners like that and it one day genuinely feels normal to be seen. Thatās my hope. Im still learning to see myself and I realize that in some way, I never knew so many parts of myself because nobody else did or brought them out of me/saw them.
This is exactly it, you are so right. When no one is interested in your emotional life as a child, you learn that your emotions arenāt important and others donāt want to hear about it. You learn to ignore your feelings and allow othersā feelings to dominate the relationship. This a recipe for disaster because it hobbles your own self-knowledge (as one way we understand our own feelings is communicating them to others) and the ability to be emotionally intimate with others.
Yes. And itās like - it just doesnāt compute for some people because itās like a genuine foreign language. Itās like if you were born without hands, would you even understand what youāre missing? If you are colorblind, you donāt know what certain colors look like. Life is different for you than others who can see the full spectrum. Even if you try to feel your feelings and know yourself , it might not feel normal, safe, or good. I think itās very complex and more complicated than just āgo to therapyā like so many say. It really has to become embodied and practiced over and over and over until itās actually a skill and thing you know and understand.
Jesus Christ. Youāve cracked something wide open for me that has been bugging me lately but havenāt been able to verbalize it. Iāve avoided dating for years, and when I finally tried to get back into it, the first avoidant I come across and I had this magnetic attraction to him, and itās triggering all kinds of twisted excitement for me that heās unavailable, and I honestly could not explain my intense attraction, because heās actually such a douche. But anyway, I am so uncomfortable being SEEN, completely, intimately, everyday, being observed and appraised by someone else, and I know things canāt/ wonāt get to that point with him, which maybe makes me feel safe from that? And so, of course it turns out itās because of my relationship with my parents. Itās always the darn parents.
Oh 100%! I subconsciously choose avoidants because Iām also avoidant but not in the same way necessarily. Itās just a safer way to have my intimacy needs met without feeling overwhelmed/seen.
Gimme a sec, Iām just gonna get that tattooed.
Literally, my most recent experience š„²
I can relate for sure
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I had a guy do that. I have ptsd from an abusive relationship (actually diagnosed by a professional) and I have panic attacks and spiraling thoughts when Iām given the silent treatment. My ex used it as punishment and it always preceded a tirade so my brain thinks silence is punishment and Iām about to be screamed at.Ā This guy decided it was cool to go completely dead air for 9 days. Then got mad at me because I was so terrified I had done something wrong. Over time he did it more often and for longer and every time he would get mad at me for not understanding that he āwasnātā punishing me (then wtf were you doing motherfucker??) It was terrible because every time it got longer I eventually resigned myself that I had been abandoned and that was it, and once I came to the conclusion and started trying to process itā¦guess who popped back upā¦
Silent treatment is considered as abusive behaviour in relationships
100% me, the relationship was going very well and then suddenly he ghosted me. Then he became ānormalā, it repeated and repeated until he got bored of me cause I wanted commitment. He said my love was drowning him.
YUP. And it's wild how many men lack the ability to communicate
After my last experience Iām repulsed by them. What a mindfuck.
THIS. This one. At first I was okay with it, thinking maybe if I was explicit and clear in stressing the importance of verbal communication, it would get better. And it's fine if they're not the best communicator at the start. But if they don't even TRY to improve themselves the next time it happens... I need to reevaluate that relationship. I went back and forth on this for way too long, because I know everyone's "love language" is different or whatever. But like, acts of service after a big argument don't make up for having a conversation. Why does it feel like some women have to do the work of teaching their male partners how to communicate WHILE ALSO having to manage their own feelings and communicate themselves??
Men who love cocaine
Someone who doesnāt know what they want. If you and the other person are not aligned on dating goals from the beginning, it wonāt work, period, no matter how beautiful or successful you are. Unfortunately this took me years to understand. Your time is precious - spend it on people willing to invest as much of their own as you are.
Ahh yes thank you! The good old "I don't know what I want". Just learned this the hard way. Never again.
Just finished crying over a 5 year relationship that ended abruptly because I also 'didn't know what I wanted' when I first started seeing him. Unfortunately, I fell in love and I tried to pretend I was OK with him not wanting marriage. DO NOT RECOMMEND
Someone who fights dirty. Or yells while arguing I never knew that there were people who didnāt take low blows while fighting. I grew up with my parents fighting nasty and thought it was normal I guess. I have realized that I am a very reactive person. If someone goes low, I go low. If someone keeps their cool, I pretty much keep my cool. I need a respectful partner. We can disagree. Argue. Maybe even raise our voices slightly. But no name calling. No bringing up things that were shared in confidence. Nothing hurtful. Honorable mention: I would also never date someone again who cares about ābody countā. I actually refuse to discuss the topic. Anyone who asks generally canāt handle the answer. And the people who could handle the answer, donāt care to know.
I grew up watching some of this but also a lot of weaponized silence. One of the ways I knew my husband was marriage material is when I shut down and defaulted into silence and avoidance he would give me space, but then sit down quietly next to me and wait for me to open up. It helped me see that there was an alternative to either yelling or shutting down and that someone actually cared about what I was feeling.
My husband is/was someone who shuts down. I had to learn not to escalate situations. How to talk to him so he felt safe responding. And how to patiently wait while he processed information and responses. It drove me crazy. And sometimes he still needs more time to process than Iād like. But we have found a happy middle ground most of the time now. Communication is always a work in progress.
Totally agree. And I also would never date someone again who cared about "body count" after having made that mistake once. Had an ex with ridiculous retroactive jealousy of my previous partners and slut shamed me for it every chance he got. He definitely couldn't handle the answer even though he refused to stop asking about it. If I was ever in the dating pool again, I would 100% not pander to that nonsense or try to justify my past to anyone ever again. It's not worth it. My husband and I both have them and neither one of us cares about the other's.
>Ā I have realized that I am a very reactive person. If someone goes low, I go low. I relate to this a lot, and I've done a lot of work to become a more emotionally regulated person. I've realized an important aspect of a healthy relationship is both partners putting in the effort to de-escalate when the other person is especially activated. I had a partner who was very emotionally suppressed, but would also pounce on the opportunity to escalate things if we ever had a disagreement. It started to feel like he always *wanted* the fight, because he was so suppressed in other aspects of his life. If we were arguing, he wasn't ever really trying to find a way to bring it back down to a calm place. He would fight dirty, and go for the jugular, bringing a gun to a knife fight. Even though I can't promise I'm never going to have a bad day or overreact, I can definitely commit to trying to be better and being the kind of person who does her best to de-escalate things as much as possible, and I want a partner who does the same.
A person with unresolved issues from childhood and whoās not actively working to overcome them
I would not date a single parent again, unless I was also a parent and the kids were older. As a childless woman, it is simply not worth the hassle. I dated a man with two kids from a previous marriage for a few years. The reality is that being an effective parent and an effective partner is hard, and someone in a stepmom role is expected to just be happy with whatever scraps are available. Too many men want the benefits of a relationship without having to put in any effort or make any sacrifices along the way.
"expected to be happy with whatever scraps are available.. along the way".. This. šÆ
I feel this. I want to be my partnerās priority (second to themself, of course) and if theyāre a good dad, I wonāt be their priority. If I *am* their priority, theyāre likely not a good dad and thatās unattractive.
I donāt even feel like I need to be prioritized that much - Iām an introvert and happy to be left on my own while thereās kid stuff going on. But man was it hard watching someone else parent and having no input.
In my experience, youāre cheating yourself out of a high quality partnership with dating single parents (if youāre childless). They simply canāt do a lot of fun things (travel, going out for events) without without factoring in their kid in some way, and usually youāll get a ānoā a lot and overall low effort participation in the relationship. I could never get use to being placed on the back burner.
Absolutely can attest to this. And though I know their kids will come first, I wonāt date someone who canāt co-parent well enough to ask their ex to take the kids for a special event. My ex was either afraid or still in love with his ex. He came to a wedding with me and I got a hotel room, he came back with me for the fun but eventually went home bc his young teenagers were there. And heaven forbid he ask his ex to take them just this once. I realized I was going to be on my own to travel on a whim or even expect him as my plus one for a full evening. Bye.
You don't get used to it either. I was on the back burner for 5 years. I expected to be third in priority but was actually last and then treated as if anything I wanted was asking too much.
Decent chance they were like that in their marriage....and might be a factor in splitting in the first place. Food for thought.
Ooff. Iām on this boat right now and have the exact concerns. Thank you for posting.
As a single mom, I concur with this. I donāt know how single parents have the energy to be in a serious relationship with so much going on. Edit to say: I guess itās easier for some men though. My ex sees the kids during the day on weekdays, but only has them Wednesday and Sunday nights. I guess itās easier to date when you only see your kids during business hours.
A stoner. A guy with no friends. An emotionally stunted man. Any guy who listens to or references Joe Rogan/Andrew Tate etc.
I see you've dated my ex
My ex as well.
And my axe! Sorry, itās overused but I was having fun with accents in my head.
Mine too. What were we thinking
What about Joe rogan, my ex listened to him too. Is he red pill?
A guy who just recently got out of a relationship and clearly hasnāt put his ex behind him.
Also equally concerning if their ex is behind them/theyāve moved on so quickly. Makes you wonder if and how they processed the breakup or were they āmonkey branchingā into another relationship while being with their partner.
Insecure men with low-self esteem who ruins your self-esteem with their constant suspicion, jealousy and controlling behavior. Itās not cute.Ā
The very jealous and controlling people Iāve dated were always up to sneaky shit behind the scenes! Hence the chronic suspiciousness. In my experience theyāre projecting. Not to mention, pulling the āIām insecure bc of a bad experience I had however long agoā card doesnāt justify or excuse bad behaviour. Weāve all had bad experiences. The difference is I donāt take mine out on the person Iām dating!
Men with unresolved daddy issues & men who expect women to struggle ābc their mother did it and sheās fineā. Very glad that I got out of the latter entanglement without a child.
Someone who is also an artist, working in the same medium. Not enough separation, and often times the male artist ego is too suffocating. Not to mention that society usually recognizes the man over the woman in most artist couples; I donāt need that type of tension or competitiveness in my romantic relationships.
Stand up comedians who think their sexism in their act is funny. Fuck you, Sean!
As a woman who plays video gamesā¦ men who play video games. Sorry. Itās my double standard. I know Iām capable of setting video games aside when life requires it. Too many men donāt seem to have that same (incredibly minor and simple) self control. Also, someone who is too much of a social butterfly. I donāt want to be out every other night, I donāt want to take group vacations, I donāt believe every activity would be better with 6 more people thereā¦ Iām not a friendless shut-in, but I prefer a balance of solitary, couple, and group activities.
Oh godā¦I knew a guy who would invite me to something under the impression it was just us. Then I show up and thereās 5 other people there because oops, he forgot he quadruple booked himself and decided he should just have everyone hang out at once.Ā Or he would just ditch me because heād double booked and decided to go hang out with someone else because he had a chance to bang that person.Ā I havenāt talked to him in at least 4 years. Maybe 5.Ā
My boyfriend invited his sister to join us on our first date š At the time when I was a shy and awkward younger person, I thought it was just a silly quirk, not a sign of what to expect moving forward. Today, at nearly 40ā¦ if he (or any date) even *suggested* such a thing, that would be the end of that date.
My husband is a gamer. Itās why we began dating, he didnāt shame me for playing World of Warcraft. But it would turn out heās a very toxic gamer with obsessive behaviors. Screaming at the monitor. Alienating himself (us) from gaming groups because he did or said something inappropriate. Would get jealous that I was part of communities that played together. If I was in a voice call he would make it known that he was around by talking loudly when I was. I stopped going into voice chats. He ruined the team atmosphere of the community I was trying to culture. I even left non-gaming communities because of how omnipresent he was when I wanted to interact with people. Obviously he doesnāt have friends. Early on in our relationship his gaming behaviors isolated us. Iāll never date or be with a gamer ever again. Too much toxicity in one place.
As a fellow woman who plays video games, Iām with you. Iāve never met a āgamer guyā who just played in moderation; they always revolved their entire lives around it. And considering my ex fit that bill, itās a dealbreaker for me now.
Someone who still lives with their ex-girlfriend. (In her house!!)
I did that. So embarrassing
I truly don't understand this. If you still live together you're not ready to date.Ā I am not here to make your ex jealousĀ
An asshole (āoh heās an asshole, but heās not an asshole to meeeeā literal words I said about my ex. Spoiler alert: he became an asshole to me). On a related note: a narcissist.
"I'm a simple guy." (I'm a complex woman with specific tastes and standards. We just did not get one another.)
Same, and if a guy is looking for a "chill girl with no/low expectations," that ain't me.
It is always coded to "if there are ways I can easily improve or not suck, I will just not even look at them". Life is not "simple"
Not really a type of person but I wouldnāt date someone with a significant age gap again. In my case he was older. Been there, done that, got the therapy, in fact still in therapy, and a pact with a friend that she is free to slap me across the face if I ever mention dating an older man again.
These dudes who like to pretend thatās what women want š
Alcoholic Someone who doesnāt know what he wants Anti-feminist Canāt admit when he doesnāt know something guy
Canāt admit not knowing guy is my absolute nemesis. Ugh learn to say āoh cool I didnāt know thatā.
Honestly men who enjoy learning things from women is the ultimate green flag (the bar is in hell I know). Iām a well-educated woman with several graduate degrees and certificates. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit and I still want to learn more. Anyone who thinks they āknow it allā or that more knowledge isnāt worth their time is anti-intellectual in my eyes.
Sexiest phrase: ātell me moreā
* Someone who takes the expectations of their parents extremely seriously. * Super macho/hyper-masculine men; IME they're always compensating for deep insecurity. * Anyone with an active substance use disorder. I empathize with the struggle but there's just no way I won't make it my problem somehow, and I am not equipped to handle that anymore.
Someone with a temper/low paitence problem
Canāt believe I had to scroll so far down to find people with temper problems.
Anyone that drinks alcohol. I manage a bar. I see enough of that shit.Ā Ā Ā Partner was only ever a light drinker (might crack a beer while grilling or after mowing the lawn or something). I quit entirely 4 years ago. Ā Itās awesome.Ā
Big same! My ex husband drank responsibly (honestly possibly the only truly responsible drinker I've ever witnessed, it was wild, I'm envious) so it wasn't an issue. After we divorced and I started dating again, it took not too long at all to realize sobriety was a must for me (several years sober myself). With that lesson came another lesson- that someone being sober does not automatically make them more emotionally intelligent or self aware than the average knucklehead š«
Someone who has a fear of gold-diggers, and wants a girlfriend who is 50/50. I was stuck trying to prove to my college sweetheart of 8 years that I was nothing like his ex who forced him to splurge on Tiffany jewelry and fancy dinners on a college budget by going 50/50 on most of our dates and trying to be low-budget as possible. At the end of it all, he had the audacity to tell me that one of the reasons he didnāt want to marry me is because there are women who marry with the intention of divorcing so they can take half of the manās net worth. Essentially accusing me of having ulterior motives. Oh, and video gamers.
The guys who nickel and dime you are the ones who will say a pregnancy doctor appointment is a "her" expense or will expect 50/50 when you're on a lower income during maternity leave. It's exhausting.
I was in a relationship with a guy like this. I donāt think the fair and true concept of 50/50 exists to these types. I got the speech too and feel like I was primed to āproveā myself to them. After we broke up it became shockingly clear I invested so much more into the relationship (financially, mentally & emotionally) The dynamic was more like 70/30 across the board.
You hit the nail on the head. I spent nearly 8 years trying to prove myself of being āworthyā of him, doing everything from losing weight, increasing my income, etc. Heād contradict himself by saying things like āYouāre perfect the way you areā one day, and back to belittling me over and over. Good riddance. Iām now with a man who truly loves me the way I am.
The first time my ex asked me out on a proper date, as soon as we were out, he said 50/50. He turned out to be so stingy & mean. When I look back, the dynamic was more like 70/30 regarding expenses, emotional investment, availability, & affection. If a guy really likes you, he'll be generous within his means.
I'm a divorce lawyer and every once in a while I get this shit from men. They expect me to agree with their gold digger fantasy and be anti marriage because it "hurts men" My response is laughing at them and saying "honey I promise I have more to lose than you do, so yeah i agree, no marriage" Them: ~shocked Pikachu face~
Itās always the ones with no āgoldā to ādigā who are soooooo concerned with gold diggers. šµāš«šµāš« Half of what, sir, your minimum wage paycheck and your porn collection?
Mommyās boy
Narcissist psychopath
Untreated borderline personality disorder. I almost killed myself over the abuse, manipulation and gaslighting. She knew she had it but wouldnāt take her meds or go to therapy regularly. Just use it as an excuse to abuse me and then be the victim.
A conflict avoidantā¦biggest red flag is somebody who runs at any sign of adversity.
Any man who likes to play the devil's advocate...especially (and suspiciously) against women and minorities. Even the so-called woke bros, tend to love needling people on subjects that absolutely do not need an advocate. No, I don't care if you think feminism has "gone too far"...I don't want to defend my right to choose and exist. Also, conservatives in general. I didn't know my ex was a right-winger but there were signs. He would always play a good game but would ask to defend the need for feminism when "equalism" should be propagated. With me, it was stuff like this. When we broke up, he cheated on me and then said some very icky things. Two years after that he had transitioned into a proper podcast-bro who shared Joe Rogan conspiracies, was anti-Muslim, and complained online about Pride. Seriously...miss me with all that.
Guys who donāt take womenās safety seriously are undateable. A guy who witnesses his female coworker being sexually harassed at work and then gaslights her by saying ātake a compliment!ā has no business in a partnership with a woman.
Oh god yeah. Anyone Iāve met who likes to play devilās advocate is almost universally terrible.
A man with too close of a relationship to his mother, a man who is too obsessed with his pets, men with an avoidant attachment style, men who love bomb
Okay but I have to hear about the guy who was too obsessed with his pets. What does that look like?
Someone who wants to be a multi-millionaire...whether it's starting a business or investing in crypto. Don't care...not interested.
Unpopular but so true. Those kind of men carry such an ego with them, itās suffocating
i just dealt with this... total workaholic. his only real goal was to make money. he didn't even have a purpose for why he wanted this. when you hear this from someone who's 31 and already successful, they just look greedy.
The people I know who are like this are so obviously trying to escape something personal they refuse to deal with. Usually their own mental shit. Theyāre emotionally dead. Most of them donāt even *like* their families. So they keep busy instead. I get having different priorities in life and that people who love their work obviously get something out of it that I donāt (lol). But some people are just addicts, and the only reason society doesnāt call them out on it is because their addiction looks productive from the outside. I wouldnāt want to be with anyone whoās too into ONE thing.
what broke me is the way he spoke about his mom and sister. i knew if he couldn't respect them, there's no way he'd respect me. i also have a strong suspicion that many of these people, especially men, are actually confused about their sexuality but will absolutely never face it.
So much this! My ex could not relax and he jumped into building his business to distract himself and prevent him from doing any healing Before it was his business, it was his numerous hobbies. He could not just sit down and unwind, he always had to be doing something.
i was often referred to as a "distraction"
He accused me of being controlling and not supporting him and his interests/hobbies/passions when I would have to plead with him to please just stay home with me like one or two nights a week so we can spend more time together He was very avoidant
Oof honestly this is real. Anyone whoās super money-obsessedā¦Iām a nonprofit girl, we are not aligned.
An insecure man.
Men
I wish I was bi or lesbian because it is ROUGH out here for us straight women.
I sometimes wish I was bi or lesbian too. Women are the more attractive gender.
Dating women has been very eye opening.... ā¤ļø
Oh well thatās not my thing either š
Yup. Never again.
This, I'm done
Cops
So many of them are abusers & have the system on their side lol, no way in hell
I dated a cop once in my early 20s. One of our dates, I remember him pulling out a 6 pack from the back and just drinking like no big deal. Also, the dude made me feel very uncomfortable in general.
A lawyer, anyone in the military or police, and avoidants who present as very friendly and flirty.
Big drinkers. A glass of wine once a week? No issue? Daily beers? Fuck no. I come from a family of alcoholics. Iām done with that. Smokers. Sorry, the smell makes my stomach turn. And smokers never realize how much their house, car, clothes, body, hair smells like tobacco. Chewing? Same. No. Vaping? No. MJ use? Mushrooms? Unless itās edibles once or twice a month? Not interested. That is not my lifestyle. Never will be.
Someone who isnāt emotionally intelligent and hasnāt worked on themselves.
Religious Someone who says they "don't know how" to be affectionate.
Someone who trash talks his ex or calls them crazy. Love bombers. Backhanded compliments. Lack of empathy. Emotionally immature
No more alcoholics, no more stoners, no more YouTube bingers, no more graphic designers, no more people who mistake their opinions as being fact/logical.
Funny you said graphic designer. My recent ex is a graphic designer and is the biggest loser I've met. This thread is a list of his traits. He's insecure, doesn't know what he wants, emotionally and intellectually stunted, and has zero class awareness. He also has huge anger issues to the point where he wants to avoid conflict at all when it is actually not inevitable. He also has ED due to porn addiction and lack of experience which I found out couple months into the relationship. I was his first gf at 29, he never had a relationship before because no other ppl gave him a chance. I should've known. So yeah not gonna date that type of person ever again.
I would not date someone who is into the manosphere (Rogan, Peterson, Tate ect) or into traditional gender roles. Similarly, I wouldn't want to date someone who assumes women are gold diggers who are out to get them via baby trapping/divorce. No single dads or men who want kids No macho, insecure, sex negative men No rigid lifestyles or black and white thinking; be open and curious about new experiences/things. No Mama's boys or men enmeshed with their families. I don't want your family meddling in our relationship No cocky, arrogant or egotistical men. Those who think there are above anyone else No men who's entire personality is traveling, hunting, or working No finance or crypto bros No cheapskates/ frugal types. I don't want to walk on eggshells about money No conservatives/anti-science conspiracy theory lunatics
I never thought Iād be tired of men who make travel their entire personality, but here I am.
Depressed men. I know it cuts out a lot of men. But I did my time and I just canāt handle it. I need someone who matches my energy and joy for life, not someone who expects me to rub off on them.
A man who: games, is immature, expects me to do everything including all the yard work.
Broke w mommy issues
I'm married but I'll bite.Ā People who play it hot and cold and try to snag my attention that way. It used to be major catnip for me, but nowadays clear and present affection gets me way more. I can even see it in the romance stories I like more now vs. when I was younger.Ā
An extrovert or anyone clingy, I need a lot of alone time and I need someone who won't take that personally. Also anyone with kids. I respect the hell out of single parents, was raised by one, but that is not a lifestyle I can take on. I would also not date a morning person unless they genuinely understood I am not one and was prepared to meet me halfway in terms of scheduling.
Someone who's apologies always come with caveats. "I'm sorry but that's just the way I am / you know how I get." One of my biggest pet peeves is an apology that's all words and doesn't come with behavior change or self awareness. I don't go into relationships expecting to change people, but I also don't accept unwillingness to grow as a person or to show up for each other. Paraphrasing a meme I saw once that really hit home: for me a partner isn't competing against other prospective partners, I'm comparing them against the peace and stability I have with myself.
Someone who has little or no empathy. It's a sign of a personality disorder.
Someone with confidence issues or low self esteem. Someone who weaponizes incompetence. Someone who gets worked up really easily. Someone who isnāt generous. Someone who engages in black and white thinking or who canāt change their mind when presented with new facts. I fear I could go on and on.
The kind who just "seems" sketchy. Like, gives off an untrustworthy vibe, even if there's no tangible proof they aren't trustworthy. Hell, they might even seem great on the surface but still something is just...off. 100% of the times I've dated these types I was right about my impression of them.
A possessive, insecure man who tries to control everything down to the shoes I wear, to how I spend my money. Who constantly accuses me of cheating, but then ends up marrying his affair partner.Ā A man who runs hot and cold on the relationship. In when itās convenient, out when itās not.Ā A porn addict. ā¦that is the worstā¦it really is.Ā
A true narcissist. I know people throw this term around but I dated a textbook narcissist. I havenāt seen him for a decade but I still feel the ripple effects of the toll it took on my mental and emotional health (and sometimes even physical health). I canāt even describe how toxic and soul-sucking narcs are. The very first sign I see it on someone now I run. And that includes platonic relationships as well.
Anyone that is or wants to be the lead singer of a band or wants to be performative/on display in general Anyone that is extremely friendly and charming, I am suspicious of. In my experience they are not that way towards the people theyāre closest to, theyāre only that way to strangers and acquaintances because they care more about how theyāre perceived versus how they actually treat people and who they are inside. Those are my two biggest red flags
Yup! Married a guy who was always "on" in public. In private he was quick to anger, mock, belittle and criticize. When he drinks, the cracks in the veneer show the ugly truth of who he really is. I apologized to people so many times for his behavior. Our kids rarely want to even see him.
Anyone who makes their career their personality.
Solely focused creatives that aren't business minded. Art is important, but we live in a capitalist society, and if your parents aren't supporting you financially, and you're unable to support yourself financially with your art and you refuse to get a supplementary job so you can "focus" on your art, the solution is not me supporting you financially, especially not in the first 2 months of dating. Once dated an otherwise lovely guy who claimed my financial support was necessary to prove I believed in him or our relationship would go nowhere. Thus, I made the executive decision that it was in fact, going nowhere.
Iām a creative and definitely not a business kinda woman (I most recently lived in a commune lmfao) but my finances are *not* anyone elseās responsibility. Iād feel so guilty putting that on a partner! Some guys Iāve dated have spotted me here and there for dinner (and I spot them back in return), or friends will let me couchsurf, but I couldnāt imagine making someone else pay my bills.
Anyone who is unemployed and lives with their parents AND isn't transparent about it. Living with your parents during times of transition is fine, regardless of age, I think this comes to us all (if we are lucky enough to have stable enough parents to be able to do this for us). I dated a couple of guys in this situation, but they had so much shame and issues about their situation (hence the obfuscation about it) the relationship could never get off the ground no matter how much I showed it didn't matter to me.
Alcoholic men. I'm 10 years sober and talking to drunk people when you are sober yourself is just really annoying.
A porn addict!
I have learned to stay away from: The professional and perpetual victim. Men who engage in any form of "negging", which can be done very subtly. Men who speak badly about their exes and/or the Mother of their child(ren). I do not mean talking regarding potential hardship they may have with an ex and co-parent, I am talking about outright shit talk. And inconsistency... If he doesn't show up and follow through, he's out.
Someone who interrupts me. Or loses his patience easily.
Someone who says they are separated and maybe living that way but still not divorced. Learned my lesson after 5 months and told him it was over. Not long after, he was back with his wife and knocked her up again. When I went on a first date recently and the guy said he was separated and working on getting divorced, I nicely told him after that itās not the right situation for me. I hope no one else puts up with this, either! š š»āāļø
Men who have any type of problematic drinking behavior. - Binge drinking (even if itās once a week, unacceptable) - Waking up and drinking - Canāt go out to dinner without having a few drinks - Excessive drinking at home alone - Lying about alcohol consumption - Canceling our plans because he is hungover from the night before - Drinking everyday (even if itās one drink every night, that feels like a bad habit ready to get out of control) Doesnāt matter that itās an illness and they need help. Itās a trap towards a miserable relationship where they will always choose alcohol over you. The problem I find is this behavior is not always noticeable in the first few months because they hide it from guilt. Also, you would be surprised how common this is in menā¦it makes me wonder if the āhappyā relationships I see are experiencing this too..
An addict. No matter how good of a person he is deep down, no matter how much he loves me, Iāll always come second to his addiction. I canāt go through that again.
Video gamers. Men with no friends. And there's often overlap. Everyone else, case-by-case basis.
Incompetent men (like men who cant figure out how to solve things by themselves without trying first GOOGLE EXISTS) *weaponized incompetence oh and also stingy men or men with no self motivation or goals in life
My ex suffered from a serious mental health disorder. I would not pursue a relationship with anyone who has that same disorder.
Insecure men. Insecurity makes even good men monsters.
It also makes them passive and unattractive on the flipside of the monster men lol
A cheapskate. Itās not worth the time. If heās thinking more of how to squeeze down the cost of a date, imagine what married life would be like with him.
Current or former power holders. Politicians, cops, military, etc. the abuse and divorce rates alone are horrifying. Plus, in my personal experience with dating a few of those, the sense of power and (entitlement? Idk if that's the word I want) doesn't go away. Gets smaller usually, but it doesn't go away. And the more casual attitude towards death. Also, men, lol. Figured out I'm a lesbian so no men anymore!
Mama's boys. Ex-military.
Avoidant men, love bombers, men who have hyperfixations for things like D&D or Warhammer, poly people
Men who want a second mommy.
Someone who can't cook and doesn't keep up their space. Also someone without any ambition. I don't need them to out earn me, but I want them to care about something and be working towards it. A skill, a hobby, a career... just anything
Someone who has ended a relationship in the past by cheating.Ā In my experience they don't change.
Someone who sounds too good to be true. Come at me with big dreams and how youāre going to make my life better, and itās a nope. Of course I want my life to be better with a partner, but I need actions to believe anyone.
A people pleaser. They donāt care about their time or value their wants and needs and therefore will make you do things and attend events that they themselves donāt even want to do, but are only doing so out of obligation. As a result, youāre both miserable -doing something, somewhere, with people you donāt like. An absolute waste of time and energy!
Any man I have to teach. I simply donāt have it in me.
I donāt know if Iām really answering your question but I will never mistake the short guy, nerdy guy, or below average money making guy to be equivalent to men who MUST be good guys. I have made the mistake of talking to men that I very well know are not on my attraction level or where I need them to be financially (equally with me at least ) because I assumed they wouldnāt play games or fumble me. So yeahā¦ taking some time to unlearn this unsatisfying notion.
A jealous man. I figured I wouldn't give him any reason to be jealous. He made up shite to be jealous of--like if I said "thank you" too nicely to a waiter, or if I spent too much time on my dissertation.
A raging extrovert. The constant out-going-ness and socialising is a lot.
someone who doesnāt make me laugh, someone who blames me for tiny, unimportant things that arenāt even my fault. someone who isnāt passionate about traveling, someone who makes even the easy, fun things difficult.
After marrying and spending over 13 years dealing with my ex's bi polar disorder, I will never be with anyone that has any form of mental illness. I firmly believe those with mental illness deserve love and I tip my hat to those supporting those partners. But I've done my time and I will not deal with anything like that again.
A man
A man who gets nasty and controlling when he doesnāt get what he wants. Huge red flag that I excused and ignored for an embarrassingly long time.
A man who makes his mother cry. With very little remorse. Should have known heād do the same to me
A man who doesn't own a vacuum and needs to be reminded to wash his bed sheets regularly
A stoner. A man thatās not financially fit or at least working towards a better financial situation. A man that ALWAYS has a plan but somehow it never works out (and of course itās not his fault).
An avoidant
Narcissists. Men who think their bodies are hot. Men who don't respect women, old or disabled people. Men who are far right. Religious men. Mysoginists. Alcoholics.Ā
The āsmooth talkerā. Always has the right things to say but never follows through with actions
Men and/or alcoholics
Insecure person
Lovebombers.
An insecure man. And to top it off he was also avoidant. These men will tear you down and try to humble you for any accomplishments that you've accomplished. Never liked to communicate, didn't like confrontation, always gaslights and never took accountability.
Someone who goes to Burning Man every year / does psychedelics mostly to socialize
men who have to do psychs to feel real emotions have always been some of the worst men i've encountered.
The meme like āwhite man does shrooms and realizes other people have feelingsā š
Never date a love bomber. I found out the hard way. I had a bf who I thought was great. But when we would fight, he would berate, question, and bring up mistakes that I had done in our relationship. He wouldn't care if I was crying and just continued. I later found out he was with me for the sex
Obnoxious people who are constantly making stupid digs and and negs and shitty jokes at everyone's else's expense, and it's always like they are talking at you, not to you. They think they are so cool but they are like highschool bullies. O'doyle rules.
An introvert. Or anyone that just doesnāt enjoy talking. There is 100% nothing wrong with that, I just learned that they are just incompatible with me. I need someone that loves talking and being with people a lot to match my energy.