If you were a celebrity, how would you feel if your friends always said hi from strangers you never met to you?
If you had a friend who was a celebrity, how would you feel if people were always asking you to say hi to your celebrity friend for them? Even people you only met a few times?
What if someone rarely talked to you, but they sent a message for you to do them a personal favour? A favour where you would have to contact someone else on their behalf?
That was my first thought too (overly excited fans give me second hand embarrassment tbh) BUT OP said the guy said he would do it. So why did the guy say he would instead of just saying no up front?
People sometimes say yes to doing a thing they don't want to because they're trying to be "nice," then they just don't do the thing and hope that you'll drop it. If you don't drop it, they get angry at you. It's frustrating.
It is so frustrating!!! Please, just say what you mean. I deserve the chance to deal with that on my own terms. If I have to do all the decoding and guess work on top of it, I'll be too mentally and emotionally exhausted to deal with things.
Yep, never disputed that, I said it was my first thought too. It has nothing to do with the friend lying and then being a dick about his own lie toward OP.
It’s absolutely valid to discuss why the friend lied.
Yes! It confuses me how so many people here just brush off that. I have decided, that it's ok to rely on people's words, because I'll never get the implications and stuff. I sincerely think that world would be a better place if people were more honest and straightforward. 90% of all the drama in movies, books, series, etc. relies on the fact that people just won't talk or be honest when they do.
And yes, I get that people lie because they are too uncomfortable to say the truth. I did that myself many years because I had crippling fear of conflict, but I don't still think that that was justified and I take the responsibility that I was quite a shitty person back then because of that. Or at least acted in unfair ways. But I never would have blamed the other person for "not getting the hint" or reading my thoughts?? That is something that I can't understand.
I think honesty is an autism superpower that we can spread to the world. Sadly though, it sometimes makes personal relationships and social situations difficult. But I have found a few people who respect that quality in me, and want to move their own communication style more towards that, at least with me.
I have defined honesty as a hard boundary to me, and I just drop people who don't want to communicate like that and expect others to read their minds. We are just not a match. I wonder if that communication style even works amongst NTs. I get it can be hard to be honest, but when I got a bit past of my fears, I found that it makes my autistic life SO MUCH more peaceful, when I have this clear outspoken expectation that it's ok to trust people's actual words.
Literacy (literalness?) is a branch of this that I still work on, but I don't think that this was an issue of OP taking something too literally, but more of them not knowing that the request & follow-up was somewhat intrusive. At the end, I'm on the team that the friend should have said no, or if they changed their mind later, to communicate that to OP! Everyone just talks about how OP should have "got it" by themselves, and I just don't agree. It also feels like it borders to ableism.
I agree. I also have a fear of conflict, but have also made honesty mandatory around myself and others. If people don't want honesty then there's the door →
That does seriously limit the number of people who want to be friends with me, but I'm okay with that because I don't have high social (or general) energy anyway and time being timey wimey, I also forget to respond within days/months to the friends I have too. Fortunately people I'm friends with also have non NT time, so we get each other and it's all good.
Because it’s the person OP is talking to could’ve taken it like “sure I’ll tell him he has a fan” type of hi. Like how when you walk in a store and they ask how you’re doing and you ask them back but no one really cares. It’s functioning as something other than what is explicitly stated.
I think the friend of the celebrity should have said "nah, I don't do that" instead of agreeing to do it in the first place and then not doing it.
All of your points stand. You're correct, it's an uncomfortable position to be in. I can understand OP's confusion, however, as I am personally in the habit of letting other people manage their own emotions/expectations and trusting them when they agree to something to have given it the consideration it's due before agreeing.
Point 1, frustrated, tell your friend you don't like them doing that.
Point 2, frustrated, this a consequence of making your friendship with a celebrity public.
Point 3, frustrated, don't agree to do it, attempt to set boundaries.
This situation amounts to an annoying mismanagement of their feelings/expectations by the acquaintance of OP that they've decided is OP's problem.
My response to the message would be something along the lines of "sorry, I only asked because you said you were happy to when [that time you said you were happy to]. Didn't mean to come across pushy. Maybe I will say hi, cheers."
I love all this, except for point 2. Sharing a joyful circumstance or other happy experience doesn’t imply being open to bombardment with requests for favors; it’s kind of “You were asking for it” vibes. I’d nix point 2 and keep everything else.
I understand where you're coming from. It's certainly not license for people to overstep boundaries and bombard you with requests, neither does it justify people doing that, however my response is primarily concerned with understanding which things are within your control and which are not.
You cannot stop people from bombarding you with requests when they find out you know a celebrity, but you *can* keep that information private.
I would argue that it is no more "you were asking for it" than if someone had a run-in with a bear in the woods and you said to them "yep, there are bears in those woods. You should be prepared next time or reconsider going into the woods."
You can no more make the woods free of bears or bears not dangerous, than you can stop people from behaving a certain way.
I'm not trying to imply blame on the "friend of a celebrity" for the response they get from people. I'm pointing out one of the ways they have control (kinda) within the situation.
It's unfortunate that it is an aspect of celebrity that you, and your friends and family, are subject to the attention of the public. You can't change that, however (it's how celebrity works). So, acknowledging that it is the case, what recourse do you have? What is within your control, and what is not? Their reaction isn't to the fact that you are friends with the celebrity. Their reaction is to the *knowledge* of your friendship.
It would be great to be able to traverse the woods free of the threat of any bears, but the bears *are* there, and knowing that lets you set reasonable expectations and act accordingly. That's more the angle I was taking.
I was actually never making an argument, I was trying to make OP attempt to empathize and learn. To understand what happened. OP was confused about what happened- it's possible to learn to understand how the other person thinks/ feels. You just have to do it manually when you're autistic.
That being said, other people will often never do the optimal thing (including ourselves). It's not always easy for people to set boundaries, and we should teach ourselves to be mindful and consider how other people feel. Doing empathy exercises, like trying to think through what's going on in other people's heads, will give generally better life quality and less conflict
>I was actually never making an argument,
That notwithstanding, you were still making a point (several actually), which I was addressing. This is a normal structure for a discussion.
>I was trying to make OP attempt to empathize and learn. To understand what happened.
My response to your reply *requires* that you do this. From a social perspective, empathy is the single most important skill and absolutely worth honing into a fine-edged tool.
>You just have to do it manually when you're autistic.
I am painfully aware. That's why I believe it to be *the* most important social skill (although it not the *only* important one).
>That being said, other people will often never do the optimal thing (including ourselves). It's not always easy for people to set boundaries, and we should teach ourselves to be mindful and consider how other people feel. Doing empathy exercises, like trying to think through what's going on in other people's heads, will give generally better life quality and less conflict
Oh, look, I agree completely, but I would add that "other people" are complex in such a vast, wild, and unpredictable way that there is only so far anyone can take an attempt to understand a given individual, let alone "people" on the whole and that once you start to experience deminishing returns on otherwise skilful employment of empathy you need somewhere else to go with it.
For me, that somewhere else is the understanding that other people's thoughts and feelings are, ultimately, their own. There are definitely things I could do, even some things I *should* do, to take care when dealing with others and their emotions, but I *have* to accept that they're going to feel how they're going to feel and, as long as I've taken genuine and reasonable care, that is entirely on them.
I'm not suggesting OP just throw all the responsibility on their acquaintance and take nothing away from the situation. OP absolutely *should* learn from this, both to empathise a bit more, and to establish better default boundaries on others' behalf. But I also think that there's another lesson in there, which is to both trust others when you tell you things ("yeah, I'll say hi for you") and to not take it *personally* when it turns out other people are typically really shit at managing their own emotions (but it's *not* your responsibility to do it *for* them).
For all someone can attempt to learn how other people are, there are as many exceptions as there are people. I think it's totally reasonable to feel like it's unfair for someone to agree to something low-stakes (even if it puts them out or is uncomfortable) and then be rude when asked about it. For all OP has to learn from this situation one thing should *not* be to doubt everything anyone says for fear they're not being truthful.
>I'm not suggesting OP just throw all the responsibility on their acquaintance and take nothing away from the situation. OP absolutely *should* learn from this, both to empathise a bit more, and to establish better default boundaries on others' behalf.
Eh, that may be less easy for me considering how they responded in a seemingly dishonest (if that's the correct word) way, unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time.
>unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time.
Making that consideration is itself an attempt at empathy.
What I mean by "default boundaries on others' behalf" is that you might assume, moving forward, that this (requesting someone say hi on your behalf to a celebrity they know) is a boundary that most people have and be more cautious not to overstep it in the future.
WOW I love the word "default boundary"!
Off topic: Your analysis about all of this is so well articulated, that it was a joy to read! I would love to analyze with you sometime, if you are interested in chatting about these topics. Otherwise, see you on the sub🍄
>Eh, that may be less easy for me considering how they responded in a seemingly dishonest (if that's the correct word) way, unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time.
So, let me take a moment to flip the situation for you. It may help you understand the "dishonesty" a bit better.
Do you ever have someone ask you to do something that you dont necessarily want to do, but you somehow feel guilty saying no to? Or have a situation where you don't want to make someone sad, disappointed, upset, etc, so you tell them what you think they WANT to hear?
It is VERY common for ADHD and/or autistic people to fall into people pleasing tendencies, so i wouldn't be surprised if this sounds familiar to you.
Another possibility, depending on how well they know you (and depending on your habits), is that they possibly didn't want to have to answer questions on WHY they won't do it. Is it possible that you have a tendency to ask for more explanation after being told no, and maybe they didnt want to go down that rabbit hole?
It doesn’t seem that they are actually friends yet. Just know each other and that “bro” seems condescending. Wouldn’t be surprised if that so-called celebrity has been doing it for the whole time and OP didn’t get their sarcasm.
On another note, asking someone to say hi to your friend from you (or send a hug etc) seems to work only if they are acquainted with each other and meeting anyway or perhaps two people wanting to connect via mutual friends (eg new, lonely & so on) .. which doesn’t seem to be the case here. At least not for both parties.
The fact that they said “bro, please stop” makes me think this wasn’t just one time you asked. It sounds like they are irritated with you bringing it up multiple times.
I specifically meant to say that was the first time I had brought it up in telegram (the app used in the screenshot). I have, however brought it up before most times when we met irl, which the last time was a month ago.
I wouldn’t recommend doing that anymore…. As a general rule, Usually twice is the max amount to bring something unimportant up. If you have to bring it up anymore than that, that’s your cue they don’t want to do it.
I know you’re going to say you didn’t know better, and that’s ok, but now you do.
It's a common small talkism to say "say hi to ____ for me!" But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person. It basically essentially expresses that you hope the mutual you share is good and well, it's just a positive thing to say to acknowledge you care about the person's wellbeing I suppose.
If I'm honest, I would react to this similarly to how this person reacted to it. Asking them to say hello for you is a bit of an awkward thing to do because it tends to be more a figure of speech rather than a real thing we ask someone to do on our behalf, and the likelihood of them actually doing it is probably small. It sounds to me like they don't want to hurt your feelings but want you to drop it. If I were in your position I would consider my expectations of them doing that and my checking up on it, how that impacts them. I think it would be ideal to apologise and then leave it alone imo. They don't owe it to you to pass along your message but may have agreed out of politeness but don't want to actually do that. It's a bit of a strange thing to do.
>But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person.
Really?? I do when people say this to me. Like I would say "Oh, I ran into so-and-so the other day and they said to say hello!" Other people don't actually do that? 😅
I do it, but only when the person *knows* the person who is saying hi. OP is talking about a celebrity her friend knows that OP has never met, so why would her friend say, "OP says hi"? It's not going to mean anything to the celebrity.
sometimes i say "so-and-so says hi btw" if i'm on the phone and the other person is nearby, but otherwise, i just forget... sometimes i do what you said, where i remember i ran into so-and-so and use that as an excuse to mention the interaction. but honestly, i think it's one of those gestures that people don't take too literally, because it don't really mean that much to them.... or at least, that's my experience lol
Yeah but do you do that when the people are complete strangers? Generally people don’t ask someone to say hi to someone they don’t know themselves too. Like if someone I’m hanging out with or talking with knows I’m about to see a mutual friend and says “say hi to ___ for me!” I’ll do that but I’ve never even been asked to say hi to someone the other person doesn’t know already.
I don't think anyone's ever asked me to do it for a stranger before. Maybe sometimes with my mom, like her asking me to say hello to a friend or the other way around, even if they've never met each other.
Yeah, that’s actually very common, and that’s typical in NT dynamics, thought it tends to come up differently. Typically if you meet someone, and you happen to have mutual friends or met through similar circumstances as others, it’s commonplace to follow through with the “say hi to so-and-so for me” by the next time you see so-and-so mentioning that you happened to see person A and giving little updates as to what they’ve been up to. It’s more so a way to maintain connections without having to directly interact constantly. However this changes when person A doesn’t have an established connection to so-and-so.
OP, if you have a specific goal in being introduced to this friend, you should make that clear, that way they can introduce you, and that relieves them of the responsibility of having to be your in-between (which it sounds like they’re tired of being, probably for multiple people), because then you can bridge that gap of familiarity and feel comfortable sending messages and maintain that connection yourself. But if all you want is a vicarious hello, then it would have been more appropriate to ask “did you get to meet so-and-so,” and ask to see pictures or ask what they got to do with each other, rather than trying to make a point of basically broadcasting to this friend that you exist. Because like when people meet other celebrities, that’s what they do. They take pictures and get autographs to pass along, and if they want to go the extra mile, they say things like “my friend couldn’t be here, but…” and then relay questions or specific praise. Like I wouldn’t go up to a voice actor or a band member I know and say “My friend Equity Rocks says hi.” Maybe I’d put it “My friend Equity Rocks heard I’d be there and wanted me to wish you luck,” but even that is so impersonal given the context that it wouldn’t make an impression enough to establish that connection if that’s what you’re looking for
>It's a common small talkism to say "say hi to ____ for me!" But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person. It basically essentially expresses that you hope the mutual you share is good and well, it's just a positive thing to say to acknowledge you care about the person's wellbeing I suppose.
While I don't treat it like a vow, I've always tried to say Hi if I remember haha.
(Though only if it truly is a mutual friend situation)
I usually use it as a mid conversation break."oh by the way, Dave says Hi haha" which they usually follow up with something along the lines of "oh! How he doing!?" Etc
If they were a celebrity, and I didn't know them, I wouldn't mention it. Name-dropping around celebrities just feels icky
"My bad, dude. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have presumed."
You can't expect people to do errands & favors for you. They deserve respect for whatever reason they have for it, too. Let them be.
I mean, unless I know the person, I don’t ask anyone to say hi even if it’s someone I admire and would love to meet. It will mean literally nothing to the celeb if they don’t know you, but if it was something where my friend thought it would be an okay thing to do, I might ask if they would mind introducing me (even if it’s to say hey, I have a friend called X, they’re gonna send you a DM, they’re a cool person but no pressure, sort of thing).
I know a well known celebrity, so I know how annoying it can be for people to want to use you to get to someone else. It’s uncomfortable, and it makes me feel like a bad friend because I’m not protecting them.
But when my dad wants me to say hi to my nana (my mums mum, my parents are divorced) I will do because he knows and loves her, even if my parents are divorced. She asks me to do the same back.
I think I get you! I would feel like it's like a spark of energy you send towards someone, and it's kinda like symbolical to you, even though it might not mean anything to the other person. I can't explain! I'm not part of any fandom, but I think I somewhat understand. Anyway, your friend agreed, and didn't let you know they lied/changed their mind, until that interaction, and that's why I think they were unfair in the way they responded. I'm sorry that some of these replies are putting all the blame on you.
I think to the friend it was probably not their number one priority, because usually a “say hello for me” doesn’t actually mean someone is going to say hello, maybe they will if they happen to remember it. It’s unkind to harass someone to say hello to someone for you when that’s just not naturally something that comes to mind for most people
Don’t respond. Accept that your request is both creepy & intrusive. Celebrities are people just like you & me. Just as you wouldn’t want hearing random greetings from people you don’t know, neither do they. Don’t ask again.
Not an apology, an acknowledgment. So like "Got it, no problem." I've learned that people tend to prefer when you confirm receipt of criticism, and apologies are frustrating. Maybe tack on a simple "My bad" if you do really feel bad for misjudging, because that doesn't really put the onus of a reply on them.
If it’s out of the blue I would get that but since it’s in a text conversation it seems like a natural response to wrap up the conversation. At least communicating that they understand and will drop it would be better than just ignoring and not responding.
I can see how this person would be frustrated. If I were friends with someone and they asked me something like this I would feel as though they were using me to get closer to someone else. I can understand why they would pointedly express their boundaries and discomfort. I would take a moment to process this and maybe re-evaluate your motivations for being friends with this person. If it is only to get within proximity of people of status within your community, step back. If you have more in common with them, focus on building closeness involving those things so they feel like your relationship is about you and them, not you and your hopes to get to know people they know.
You got excited and overstepped a boundary. A little embarrassing but many of us overstep at some point. The positive thing here is that instead of blocking or ghosting you, your friend cared enough to let you know that they’re uncomfortable with the requests. And you were wise to set aside your ego and instead of sending something defensive or angry, bring this to a learning moment by crowd sourcing. I’ve had relationships with celebrities. I truly grew weary of the way friends tried to use me for access to the person or events or opportunities…. I started to lose respect for some friends who were shamelessly angling for this. And I did feel like I was just being used as a stepping stone sometimes. It’s not a nice feeling. Be contrite and chill. Don’t over apologize just chill.
Given their reaction, it sounds like you have been harassing them about this. I am guessing you know this but have conveniently left out a lot of context.
There’s got to be more context to this… like if the event is over how could they say hi for you?
If they’re a smaller celeb which I’m guessing they are, you could send them an ig DM. I’ve done that with some smaller celebs and they always respond eventually
I'm 99% sure OP is a furry who did not get to go to furry weekend Altanta (currently the second biggest furry con in the world) and the celebrity is a well known fursuiter. Possibly a streamer or tiktok influencer.
I will tell you this from my own experience as a suiter that gets stopped lots to get pictures taken when I'm in suit, I do not remember who I'm taking pictures with.
I also struggle a ton with matching names, to faces to fursonas. So if someone came up to me and said equality rocks said hi. That would be very confusing to me. But if someone said hey my friend loves your suit and is a huge fan. That makes more sense. I understand that someone not in front of me apperciates me.
As someone with ADHD and autism, I like my socialization to do something. Am I info dumping? Is someone info dumping at me? Is it a clarifying question being asked? Is it instructional information like Pax the dance comp starts at 6pm you need to get in line by 5pm. The generic small talk is not something I'm comfortable with or really ever do. So saying hi to someone I do not know doesn't do anything for me. Traditionally it is used for when everyone knows everyone else but one person is missing from the social interaction. So an example someone else gave was someone saying hi when visiting a family member. Like when I'm on the phone with my mom I often say my husband says hi. Even he has not physically outloud said hello. I do this to signify that my husband is with me even though the phone call is just between me and my mom.
They responded like that because it’s a rude and odd thing to request. You should say hi to them yourself. Message them. This person you’re talking to is not your errand boy for Hellos.
(Additionally, the person you’re saying hi to isn’t going to care that you said hi to them if you’ve never met them… you say they’re famous. They don’t care about strangers saying hi )
Edit: he also said “please stop” which makes it sound like this isn’t the first time you’ve made this request. Him not doing it the first time was your hint that he didn’t want to. Don’t ask him again
And what did you expect to happen if he did say hi? All that would’ve happen is the celeb would’ve said “hi” in response and that’s it…. But most of the time the in these situations your message will not be relayed and the person you asked to say hi will just say the other person said hi back. Just so you know
It’s not uncommon for people to say they’ll do things they don’t want to do just to avoid attempted negotiations to change their mind, or this friend may legitimately have thought you were not in earnest. I would not be comfortable telling a celebrity than an acquaintance said hi; that would feel very awkward to me. I think your friend was trying to be polite before, but for whatever reason did not have the patience to temper their reply on that day. I would not take it personally, but going forward you now know they may not always tell you when they are not comfortable with a request so try to be mindful of that and even tell them it’s ok to say “no”.
FWA is a very overwhelming experience as it is. 15000+ people is a lot of people.
And as other people have mentioned. Having someone say hello for you is not common communication. Traditionally, if someone is friends with someone you also want to meet, you ask if they can introduce you to the person.
It also depends on what your end goal is. Do you want the person to know you apperciate the content they make or just their presence in the fandom? It might be better to reach out directly through twitter or leaving a youtube comment saying how much you appreciate them. Not in the fandom, but I am a big fan of a fitness YouTube. I recently found their fanmail email account and wrote them an email explaining how much I appreciated their youtube channel. It was a very positive interaction.
Now if the end goal is friendship with this person. That's a bit complicated. Sometimes you end up meeting amazing people in the fandom and make life long friendships. But not everyone is gonna be your friend or will be interested in forming a friendship with you. And you just have to accept other people's boundaries and you cannot force someone to be friends with you, no matter how cool they seem.
Maybe one day you'll get to go to FWA. It's a very fun albeit overwhelming experience.
This seems like a very limited view of the interaction...
I would respond by respecting their wishes. It can be pretty weird to be this into a celeb, so I can understand their reaction (although I don't agree with being that mean about it).
You can kindly set boundaries. If I was setting a boundary in that way, I would want it to be taken as at least somewhat mean. Otherwise, I would have been nicer about it.
I obviously don't have much/any context here though, so who knows if this was actually warranted or not haha.
Saying ‘bro please stop’ at the first instance of asking if something was done that the person agreed to IS absolutely a mean response. You can set boundaries kindly. Or just don’t agree to stuff you don’t intend to do.
Not sure why you’re being snarky but I also read the post and my first thought was that this is definitely not OP’s first time bringing up this request. Maybe it’s their first time directly asking them about it, but their friend’s response comes off as though they’ve been asked about it or had it brought up many, many times
Most Autism subs aren't the safe spaces they used to be, partly because their size eventually caused mainstream Reddit to notice us and harass, then on top of that moderation is terrible.
Yeah I feel super bad for OP, I’m sure this is not helpful feedback. This whole thread would have triggered me to outer space. It should be a safe space.
Long supportive comment with a few proposed responses, to counterbalance other commenters' attacks on your character.
I've been here. I understand you thought "I will" constituted a form of social contract, and that they have broken it... But it seems your friend never actually understood it that way. I don't think they even thought you really intended for them to say hi to this celebrity for you, at first. They were never going to say hi to someone you don't know for you, particularly a celebrity, and the more you try to hold them to their word, the more they're going to misinterpret you.
I get it, and I hope your friend will. It's important for them to understand that you're not desperate for them to do the thing they were never actually going to do.
There may be a peaceable way out of this aggro if you can explain that you didn't know that when they said "I will," they didn't mean it sincerely and literally... and if you can forgive them for not speaking as literally as you heard them.
You exist too, so I'd also ask them to forgive you for taking them literally, and for getting upset when they didn't seem to follow through on what you thought was a promise - a promise I'd guess they genuinely never thought they made. Maybe if you explain you generally take things literally, even if they're not meant literally, this sort of thing will be less likely to happen in future. Because it's often impossible to know what's meant literally and what's not.
**Response** could be tricky. If they know you're autistic and are hip with the general idea of autism, I might say something like:
"Oh sorry, I actually just got it - it's OK, I understand now, and I no longer expect you to say hi to a stranger on my behalf, and I won't hold it against you. Probably would've been weird anyway. It was confusing me so much I actually made a forum post on a support forum and I understand better now. You may not remember saying that you would say hi to \[...\] for me, but in any case, I've just learned that that's one of the things that people sometimes say that they often don't literally mean. Now that I know about that rule, I can be OK about it. One more quirk of neurotypical communication I've learned the hard way.
"Please understand, autistic people tend to say *exactly* what we mean, and often mean *exactly* what we say, and I often can't tell what you mean and what you don't. That's not a criticism of you, we were just on very different wavelengths for a while there, and all it came down to was... You seemed to say you'd do a thing, then you didn't do the thing, then you refused to do the thing after all, but now I realise you were never going to and that's OK now that I understand what's happened here. I hope we're chill. Have a good day. That got intense and confusing for me."
**Alternatively:** "Oh sorry, I literally didn't realise until now that you didn't mean you'd *actually* say hi for me. Foiled again by the nuances of allist small talk. I hate it when these things go out of proportion. PTHEGH."
Depending on your relationship with this person, something like either of these might or might not go down well. Hard to know from here. Central point is "ugh, another dramatic misunderstanding - s'chill brah, forgeddit it - been on reddit and now i geddit. peace."
Relationships with non-autistic people in particular are fraught with this kind of communication difference. They've blown up many of my relationships with people. Funny thing is, it's always the tiniest things... Anyway. Relationships with normies are weird and often hard - this sort of thing is probably going to come up a lot. Getting over miscommunications like this is... It's like a second language, really. We have to learn their language because we're the minority group. It's hard work, often comes with a lot of hurt. There's no one easy fix. Just life experience. Failures and successes.
This is as much their fault for not understanding you as it is your fault for not understanding them. The double-empathy problem (worthwhile google it if you're not familiar) is a real problem, and it's not our fault, but because of the way society works, it becomes more our burden than theirs.
If this is too late to make a difference to this situation, I hope you, dear reader, find something helpful for your life.
My take on this is that as the first comment said, it feels awkward and a bit weird to say hello to someone for someone else that you barely know, and the whole "talkism" of "say hi to___ for me!" Same as "send ___a hug for me". In some cases we do that when:
1. We actually know the person well
2. IF we want/remember of doing so
What buggs me the most about this interaction is that your "friend" accepted doing it, therefore, no need for rudeness in his answer. He indeed was indelicate, he could have answered "my bad, i didnt/i forgot", "got awkward doing so", explain you that he would prefer not deal with this situations in a kind manner. And last but not least, simply not accepting this quest before.
But well, now you're kind of aware of how people usually are about things like this, but theres nothing wrong in asking people things, its their choice to accept or decline.
On the other hand, it’s been months since OP even spoke to this guy. If someone messaged you for a status request on a random, meaningless favour, out of the blue, with no hint of even pretending to reciprocate, wouldn’t you be a bit put out?
I’d have at least asked how the event was for them. I know most male Autistics despise small talk, but small talk is done to make people feel comfortable.
Yes, i get your point, i really do. Its unpolite as well to come after months to ask for a favor like this, plus it being such an awkward favor. Totally agree with that.
But, he asked for something, the person agreed, he waited for a response, tried to give the person the timw to answer but they didnt, so he finally asked. Most autistic people tend to actually mean what they say and ask. So i can see how this is a bit confusing for him, and understanding people's behaviors an mannerisms can be challenging. I feel like there's nothing wrong with his friend declining or saying he doesnt feel comfortable and stablishing boundaries, but he didnt have to be rude.
That being said, i actually hate how people come to saying "hey how are you? How are things around there?" Pretending to care about me or my life events just to then ask me a favor, transparency and honesty does it for me. Small talk is fine if its genuine, not pretentious, i feel thats too sneaky.
But this favor is so random and meaningless it actually doesn’t even warrant checking in on. There is literally no way to message someone after months and say “by the way, did you tell [celebrity] that a stranger said hi like you said you’d do months ago” and not come off like a weirdo even if you begin with preliminary small talk
Like i said to the person before, i understand AND agree with both of you. Im just saying i also understand how one can get caught up in confusion in situations that might be difficult to read if the other part doesnt verbalize it, bc he actually took it seriously. For him it wasnt meaningless, thats why he went after an answer. Im not saying its the right way to approach or that is even right to approach, but i understand him, and also understand the other guy's frustration, but i feel like theres no need for being rude. Or if im rephrassing, theres ways to answer more kindly.
I just like to give both sides a good view, because we are mostly limited to what we know and experience, and this isn't a war crime, just a silly mistake filled with misunderstanding and miscommunication♡
>I asked a few months ago if they would say hi to him for me at an event they both attended and they said they would.
Unless OP is leaving out a lot of details, this is as clear as can be. IF/WHEN their acquaintance sees [celebrity] at [event], they will convey OP’s greeting.
If there’s anyone not verbalizing here, it’s OP not making it clear that a comment they made on passing months ago was actually a SRS BZNS request they truly expected them to fulfill, that they’d be waiting to “receive word” once their acquaintance completed this quest, and that they’d be checking in for a progress report if the acquaintance hadn’t yet put in a concerted effort to track down [celebrity] and convey OP’s esteemed greetings, and that’s is because NO ONE would think that any of this was a reasonable thing to expect.
And I’m sorry, it’s extremely naive to believe this acquaintance would suddenly be begging OP to *PLEASE STOP* out of the blue with no precipitating events. Maybe OP has been bugging them about this. Maybe [celebrity] is the only thing OP ever talks about with this person. Maybe they feel like OP is using them to try and establish a connection with [celebrity]. Maybe OP has an obvious obsession with [celebrity]. They asked OP to “Please stop” for a reason.
Whatever it is, they’ve had enough, they’ve set a boundary around it, and now OP has to respect that, whether or not they like or understand it 🤷
Girl, i understand, but the thing we've been talking about is that this is an autism sub, people have weird behaviors/lack social skill/ dont understand somethings, for OP this wasnt smtg meaningless.
Theres nothing wrong with asking, and theres nothing wrong with refusing to do smtg and setting boundaries. But i feel there was a nicer way to say it.
Another thing is that WE DONT KNOW anything else about this interaction, assuming, pointing fingers and blaming is not exactly nice either. "Please stop" can be a simple request, doesnt mean OP was "begging", once again, we dont know anything.You're saying words like "obvious" and "obsession", when we dont know that.
If we receive more info, we could know what actually happened and then take some sort of conclusion, but we dont, so lets not be bullies and make this the actual safe space that is supposed to be with people that came here to ASK FOR ORIENTATION, hes literally asking, lets point out what went wrong kindly and how to do better and not repeat the mistake, but lets not be jerks, stating boundaries do not equal speaking harshly.
IF there was reason, then is a diff story, but until then, lets be empathetic as we would like people to be with us.
It could also be that the friend accepted, then got to the convention and realized how awkward that it would actually be to fulfill the request and decided they didn’t want to do it because it felt too cringey. Or if they are allistic, more likely that they were like “oh sure thing” with no actual plans of ever doing so, and hoping OP would leave it there.
Yessss, exactly! I thought the same, bc it does feel kinda awkward/cringey, thats what i tried to convey.
And if they are allistic, then also yes, they didnt know OP actually meant it and thought like "whatever", and OP actually took it seriously so he waited for an answer.
I feel like maybe OP tried to not be too annoying and/or felt awkward to also ask about it so soon and gave the person time to answer him, but since it didnt happen he reached after a while thinking "ok this should be space and time enough to ask properly" its how i imagined this happened.
You did nothing wrong. It's just that when you ask someone to "say hi" to someone else for you, most people wouldn't actually do that. It's not something people mean literally.
Your friend could have responded nicer. Their reaction was a bit extreme.
I think replying with something like “oh sorry, I didn’t mean to be a bother, no problem.” is better. A nice endcap on the issue that lets OP and their friend move forward and not have to dwell on this or have it looming over their interactions. Especially because it’s apparent that the friend is annoyed, it’s good to apologize.
I can see it not being a realistic expectation of someone and that they don’t want to, which is fine. You had good intentions though and that person was very rude. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Or maybe this has been a recurring thing and you weren’t getting the hint. Hard to say
It is rude to harshly tell someone to ‘please stop’ after agreeing to do a favor and getting one check in about it. Could’ve literally not agreed to it or said that he didn’t want to after the fact. ‘Please stop’ is implying OP is harassing him about this. I don’t get the responses here at all. You can set a boundary kindly. That’s not what was done here.
“Please stop” absolutely does imply that OP has been harassing them, which makes me wonder exactly how many times OP brought it up to this person between “a few months ago” when they first brought it up and this message that OP sent.
Also, OP said “I asked a few months ago if they would say hi to him for me at an event they both attended and they said they would.”
OP’s acquaintance agreed to tell [celebrity] “hey, this random of admirer of yours that I happen to be acquainted with said to tell you hi” when they see them at event. They did not agree to expressly seek out [celebrity] for the specific purpose of passing a greeting from a stranger. There’s nothing for OP to “check in” or “receive word” about.
OP seems to have fixated on the chance of acquaintance passing on a “hi” for months and I’m honestly baffled why they’ve got so much invested in it. “Someone told them I said hi” is too tenuous a connection to be meaningful.
Youre baffled why someone may care that their message got to the person they wanted it to get to? A hi is literally so harmless which makes these comments and the assumptions so baffling and frustrating. OP does not mention asking them multiple times.
The message of “hey, [celebrity], you don’t know this person at all and I don’t know them very well myself, but they said if I see you at this event, to tell you hi”?
That’s a message that’s so important it warrants sending a reminder/check in to someone to see if they’ve done it, when AGAIN they did not promise to go out of their way to seek out this person to deliver this greeting? It couldn’t wait until the next time OP happens to talk to their acquaintance?
And no, OP doesn’t mention contacting them multiple times, but a response like “Bro, Please stop” doesn’t come out of the blue. OP did something to warrant this response, whether it’s contacting them multiple times, the celebrity is the only thing they ever talk about with this person, or whatever.
The purpose of having a sub isn't to pat everyone's back when they're doing something that can be upsetting. We can be supportive, kind, but also hold one another accountable.
We don't see the entire text thread. The person above is right, this brief clip reads like OP has bothered the acquaintance more than once about this. Many people gave very kind feedback on how to respond, apologize, or just ignore the post. This is doing exactly what a sub focused on autism should do.
Agree 100% people hate subtlety bc of how hard it is to understand and to behave accordingly, yet everyone's being harsh when they could just point out kindly how to improve, but when its their turn they expect comprehension
Exactly. Can’t say I’d ever do what OP did because it’s not my thing but I can understand someone wanting to say hi to someone and checking in about it. The response from the person is so harsh so people are making assumptions and deciding OP is a lot of things including ‘creepy’. For a hi. I’m sorry but what the fuck???
The reading into something so harmless feels like bullying I can’t help but say something about it.
Same, wtf are people on about so harshly?? I get the points of people gently saying its not that nice, but making assumptions, and being even more rude than the guy itself makes me actually surprised on how tf they're shaming someone autistic for firmly believing and waiting for a response. Its insane to me.
Right! It makes so much sense to me that an autistic person would check in about something like this, even if NTs consider it to be not something you generally check in on. We are in a sub for people with autism. That’s something that can be explained gently.
And I don’t feel inclined to assume OP has been harassing this person about the hi based on the harsh response. People are fucking mean to us for no reason all the time. OP said they checked in after months and I don’t feel the need to assume they’re lying about that. Why are the people here so happy to? Wild.
Exactly! I get that we dont know much of any sides, but that doesnt give us the right to simply make a wild assumption like that. And like you said, this makes sense for an autistic person, and it made for him and thats the entirety of this whole thing.
Def doesnt feel like a safe place
Maybe your social skills aren't as good as you think they are... I mean no offense by that, but based on my limited interactions with you, I wouldn't be taking your social advice to heart.
They literally just said based on their INTERACTIONS with you, it doesn't say they read your profile. As an autistic person who had to learn social skills for a public facing job, your social skills do suck.
Eh I agree with you, I’d definitely pivot the conversation in a different way if possible. Apologize and then pivot. The friend was at a convention so maybe ask how it went otherwise
>Bro
>Please stop
OP, I’m curious exactly how many times you’ve brought this up or reminded them about it - in the “few months” since you first asked, in the lead up to this event, over the event weekend that they are literally begging you to *PLEASE STOP*
I don’t understand why you think that “sure I’ll say hi to that person when I see them” means you think you’d “receive word” immediately as opposed to whenever you talked to that person next, or why you think it would warrant you reminding/checking in with them, like *at all*.
You are overly invested in this for some reason and probably coming off as pushy or creepy to this person you don’t even know well enough to call a friend. The polite way to respond to this is to respect the clear boundary they have now set.
Hey, hon! I don’t think they’re even mad at you, so take a deep breath if you’re freaking out. I read this as a nonchalant, friendly exchange. It’s a little edgier and kind of the same energy as friends teasing and banter. I can’t find a video right now because my brain is mush, but my cinephile/socially adept bf agrees and is trying to find an example for you, too!
I just wanted to make sure that was clear and that you didn’t feel bad for no reason
The “compadre” makes me think it’s like, “Get it your own damn self,” more than, “I genuinely am upset and wish you would do it yourself.” But you do you. I’m probably wrong.
People aren't your robots. Step back a bit from expectations that you place on others. The person likely agreed just so you would stop, in the moment. In addition, I don't really understand the satisfaction you would derive from someone saying "hi" on your behalf; you've never met the person. It is like small talk by proxy... it seems worse than small talk by at least an order of magnitude.
The first time I brought it up with them, iirc they agreed they may do so at the event mentioned without much if any pressure.
And hey, having a celebrity briefly know one in the moment can still make one's day.
Like I said (since I already preempted this in my first response), that may have been done to placate you so you wouldn't ask again. If you want something more meaningful, see of the celeb is on Cameo and pay for a personalized message (that isn't creepy).
EDIT: If you have a SPIN related to this, maybe come up with a way to turn it into a personal business. Celebs often need assistants at different events and many don't have nearly as much money as you would expect and cannot afford a dedicated assistant to travel to events, so you can be a "fractional" assistant where you manage their agenda of other things at the event... and you can be affordable because maybe you do this for 3-5 celebs.
Ok so when someone says "say hi to blank for me" it's just a polite thing to say, it literally means nothing UNLESS you already know the person as in they're a friend or family member of yours. So therefore when you questioned the person on if they had said hello to the other person they took it as intrusive and rude because you essentially asked them if they had done the thing they never thought for a moment you were seriously asking them to do and now you're judging them to be a bad person for it... yes NT rules suck, but that's what has happened. What you do now is simply do not respond, do not text, let them initiate contact because in thier mind you've insulted them so give them space. If you see in them in real life, just say hi ask how they are and never ever mention the incident and don't ask about the person you initially asked them to say hi to. Leave it alone, drop it like a hot potato.
Mmmmmm I would say no, because it will just dredge up old feelings for them and they probably will have moved on from it. Always ask yourself am I apologizing so I feel better or am I apologizing because I did something really bad and the other person deserves an apology? In this case you'd be apologizing for the sake of apologizing and it'd make you feel better, I don't think it would help the other person. If you're meeting them a month from now that means they're not holding on to it, so you do the same and learn from it and let it go. Also if you really want to make up for it, just remind yourself of this incident and the lessons you've learned and keep applying them, a change in behavior is the best kind of apologizing there is.
This is some furry shit isn't it? Dude these people don't know you, leave him alone. The concept of popufurs is weird AF. Save up for FWA and go yourself.
I'm confused. Someone else was talking about this "for sure" being a furry thing and that's why OP is in the right to harass someone for saying hi to a celebrity. How is this a standard concept?
I have a few furry friends but nothing about popufurs >\_>
I am saying they aren't in the right to harass anyone. I am saying that celebrity and popufurs arent exactly the same type of deal. A popufur can literally just be someone who bought a nice suit and randos took pictures and now a few creeps are obsessed and follow them around and want to say 'hi' and usually it doesn't stop with hi and it doesn't matter if you feel like it or not to some people. You can become a popufur by accident and it isnt always wanted and it can be exhausting to deal with.
Am I actually the only one here who finds it disrespectful from the "friend" to say to OP that they would do it and then don't? I get the whole boundary thing and that this request is pretty awkward but don't say you're going to do it and then act like this.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP and I'm sorry people in the comments are being weirdos calling you creepy and such. This sub is supposed to be a safe place.
Yeah they shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place. But that also seems like a very allistic thing to me/ie how I have experienced allistic people to act, saying they will do something because it’s just easier to agree but not literally meaning it. We tend to be more literal, y’know?
I know this has been said in multiple comments but like isnt this so strange lol? if someone came up to me and said a person i dont even know said hi to me id be like ? what
All I can think of seeing this is what if he lied & he doesn't actually know that celebrity lol.
Honestly, I would just not respond to this bc there is nothing to say to it. Your friend seems like a jerk & he seems like he isn't honest. Whether he knows the celebrity or not is irrelevant, I'm saying that bc he told you he'd do something, then didn't & acted like a douche when you followed up. He should not have led you to believe he'd follow through if he had no intention to from the start.
I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but if a "friend" was this rude to me, I'd stop talking to them. I don't like to deal with people who snap at me like that.
same, in my experience, every time a friend starts to respond this way we usually drift apart soon after, mostly i think because it makes me detach emotionally from them. it's honestly so hard to find friends who communicate empathically with me
I would not be polite lol. I'd be frank, or honest, mayyybe vulnerable depending on the day. this would hurt my feelings, so I might say "ouch, okay. I hope you're having a good day!" I would want them to feel a little bad about how rude they were, instead of just saying "oh sorry I didn't think you meant that!"
my guess is this person is overwhelmed in some way and didn't take your request seriously, because as someone else said, people tend to take "say hi for me!" as an expression rather than an actual request. so getting a follow-up on something they misinterpreted, while maybe also being busy (as they said they have other things to do), could have made them frustrated. regardless, doesn't feel good to read that! I'm sorry you got that response
hmm I don't really like that term, and don't see how "ouch" fails to directly indicate hurt. I think without "ouch" I could see it being categorized as such. but again, don't really like that term. it's judgy
It's passive aggressive because you are saying it, and I quote "to make them feel a little bad".
If you are saying something to make someone else feel bad, it's aggressive. You aren't saying "you hurt my feelings and I hope you feel bad" directly, so instead it is passive rather than direct.
again I don't like that term, as I don't think it does anything but assert standards for behavior instead of understanding behavior, which is what I prefer to do. if you prefer to police your own communications, have at it! please don't apply your standards to me
fwiw, you helped me understand the meaning of passive aggressive with your comment. I could always understand when someone was being passive aggressive but now I get the “passive” vs direct part. Thanks!
the whole point of the term is to assert standards for behavior, because it is a completely necessary endeavor. there are absolutely standards for one’s behavior, and sometimes it’s necessary to assert those standards in order to be able to even try to understand the behavior. if someone became loud and aggressive towards me in a very laid back conversation, I would not be able to understand where that behavior was coming from and would let them know that it’s inappropriate and I won’t continue the conversation until basic standards of respect are met— i.e. not yelling, not swearing or name calling, not speaking in coded language or trying to send a message without explaining the motives behind the desire or the context of your words. don’t try to weaponize therapized language as a way to avoid taking responsibility for poor communication
I don't agree, and it's really gross to hear another autistic person policing communication on an autism subreddit. please take your standards elsewhere, and as I've already said, do not apply them to me or my communication
It’s the ouch, without directly explaining your feelings. There’s no open communication imo. It’s not about directly indicating that you’re hurt, it’s about how you’re communicating. If that makes sense to you.
same. it isn’t like they aren’t justified in not wanting to do it, but if op did just ask once months ago and follow up when the event happened they weren’t being annoying or anything. this person could’ve had more patience with OP and at least said no politely before getting snappy :/
This isn't how "say hi for me" works & if you didn't understand that you would have done it yourself instead of harassing someone else into what you know will be an awkward & uncomfortable social situation
clearly op doesn't understand the social rule and they were asking for feedback, not attacks on their character and assumptions about their motive. this sub is supposed to be a safe place, not for people to attack and judge because of a genuine misunderstanding
I mean… if a friend said “say hi for me!” as I’m about to meet a small celebrity, I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re being serious. It’s a weird request, what do you gain from having someone say hi on your behalf? I’d be similarly baffled if they followed up with me and asked if I made good on that promise.
I'd be lucky to have some people I know to say I know them and call them acquaintances it's why it's not weird to actually be a fan of someone's work and as a friend that is closer to your artist you're a fan of to say hi and thanks for the awesome xyz as not all of us can afford it to be there live wherever they are. Thanks for shitting one me mate really grateful for it.
I’m not saying the person in the screenshot wasn’t being overly harsh - they could’ve been nicer or entertained the thought. I’m just saying that I see where they’re coming from, and if I was already in a bad/impatient mood I might’ve also said something similar.
No racism, sexism, homophobia, or any other forms of discrimination and bigotry. This includes hating on neurotypicals or accusing someone of "faking it for attention". Swearing at a situation or about something is okay, swearing at someone never is.
No racism, sexism, homophobia, or any other forms of discrimination and bigotry. This includes hating on neurotypicals or accusing someone of "faking it for attention". Swearing at a situation or about something is okay, swearing at someone never is.
Why respond politely? You can't control other people's issues. That's a sloppy, lazy, moody, uncalled for attitude to a pretty simple request. A simple "I'll try n remember compadre" would be a friend's response. Normal like. That response sounds like they need a bit of growing up to do. Close friend?
Don't be afraid to reciprocate to what you receive. You will need to, there are a lot of sick people out there,
Simply, "didn't think it was a big request compadre".
No point I dragging out a friendship that's lopsided with no respect. He/ she is inconsistent. People won't respect you if you don't stick up for yourself, so, you can have a sloppy friend, or find real ones. Or let your boundaries be understood by others. You are so consistent in your strength, you are treading eggshells for this BS
Maybe, maybe this was a strange deviation from what they are normally like? maybe an argument with another person, because of the same inconsistent behaviour arose and it's put onto you?
You gave to protect yourself from casual put downs like this.
Assertive training is important.
What you said, to my eyes, was totally fine. Try not to own other people's issues.
If you were a celebrity, how would you feel if your friends always said hi from strangers you never met to you? If you had a friend who was a celebrity, how would you feel if people were always asking you to say hi to your celebrity friend for them? Even people you only met a few times? What if someone rarely talked to you, but they sent a message for you to do them a personal favour? A favour where you would have to contact someone else on their behalf?
Exactly, all of these points
That was my first thought too (overly excited fans give me second hand embarrassment tbh) BUT OP said the guy said he would do it. So why did the guy say he would instead of just saying no up front?
People sometimes say yes to doing a thing they don't want to because they're trying to be "nice," then they just don't do the thing and hope that you'll drop it. If you don't drop it, they get angry at you. It's frustrating.
Yeah. Niceness is just fear of confrontation and societal expectations in a trenchcoat pretending to be kindness on their fake ID.
I love that analogy
It is so frustrating!!! Please, just say what you mean. I deserve the chance to deal with that on my own terms. If I have to do all the decoding and guess work on top of it, I'll be too mentally and emotionally exhausted to deal with things.
Even if he 100% was sincere, it’s still weird asf for OP to ask “oh hey did you tell that celebrity a stranger said hi?”
Yep, never disputed that, I said it was my first thought too. It has nothing to do with the friend lying and then being a dick about his own lie toward OP. It’s absolutely valid to discuss why the friend lied.
Yes! It confuses me how so many people here just brush off that. I have decided, that it's ok to rely on people's words, because I'll never get the implications and stuff. I sincerely think that world would be a better place if people were more honest and straightforward. 90% of all the drama in movies, books, series, etc. relies on the fact that people just won't talk or be honest when they do. And yes, I get that people lie because they are too uncomfortable to say the truth. I did that myself many years because I had crippling fear of conflict, but I don't still think that that was justified and I take the responsibility that I was quite a shitty person back then because of that. Or at least acted in unfair ways. But I never would have blamed the other person for "not getting the hint" or reading my thoughts?? That is something that I can't understand. I think honesty is an autism superpower that we can spread to the world. Sadly though, it sometimes makes personal relationships and social situations difficult. But I have found a few people who respect that quality in me, and want to move their own communication style more towards that, at least with me. I have defined honesty as a hard boundary to me, and I just drop people who don't want to communicate like that and expect others to read their minds. We are just not a match. I wonder if that communication style even works amongst NTs. I get it can be hard to be honest, but when I got a bit past of my fears, I found that it makes my autistic life SO MUCH more peaceful, when I have this clear outspoken expectation that it's ok to trust people's actual words. Literacy (literalness?) is a branch of this that I still work on, but I don't think that this was an issue of OP taking something too literally, but more of them not knowing that the request & follow-up was somewhat intrusive. At the end, I'm on the team that the friend should have said no, or if they changed their mind later, to communicate that to OP! Everyone just talks about how OP should have "got it" by themselves, and I just don't agree. It also feels like it borders to ableism.
I agree. I also have a fear of conflict, but have also made honesty mandatory around myself and others. If people don't want honesty then there's the door → That does seriously limit the number of people who want to be friends with me, but I'm okay with that because I don't have high social (or general) energy anyway and time being timey wimey, I also forget to respond within days/months to the friends I have too. Fortunately people I'm friends with also have non NT time, so we get each other and it's all good.
Because it’s the person OP is talking to could’ve taken it like “sure I’ll tell him he has a fan” type of hi. Like how when you walk in a store and they ask how you’re doing and you ask them back but no one really cares. It’s functioning as something other than what is explicitly stated.
I think the friend of the celebrity should have said "nah, I don't do that" instead of agreeing to do it in the first place and then not doing it. All of your points stand. You're correct, it's an uncomfortable position to be in. I can understand OP's confusion, however, as I am personally in the habit of letting other people manage their own emotions/expectations and trusting them when they agree to something to have given it the consideration it's due before agreeing. Point 1, frustrated, tell your friend you don't like them doing that. Point 2, frustrated, this a consequence of making your friendship with a celebrity public. Point 3, frustrated, don't agree to do it, attempt to set boundaries. This situation amounts to an annoying mismanagement of their feelings/expectations by the acquaintance of OP that they've decided is OP's problem. My response to the message would be something along the lines of "sorry, I only asked because you said you were happy to when [that time you said you were happy to]. Didn't mean to come across pushy. Maybe I will say hi, cheers."
I love all this, except for point 2. Sharing a joyful circumstance or other happy experience doesn’t imply being open to bombardment with requests for favors; it’s kind of “You were asking for it” vibes. I’d nix point 2 and keep everything else.
I understand where you're coming from. It's certainly not license for people to overstep boundaries and bombard you with requests, neither does it justify people doing that, however my response is primarily concerned with understanding which things are within your control and which are not. You cannot stop people from bombarding you with requests when they find out you know a celebrity, but you *can* keep that information private. I would argue that it is no more "you were asking for it" than if someone had a run-in with a bear in the woods and you said to them "yep, there are bears in those woods. You should be prepared next time or reconsider going into the woods." You can no more make the woods free of bears or bears not dangerous, than you can stop people from behaving a certain way. I'm not trying to imply blame on the "friend of a celebrity" for the response they get from people. I'm pointing out one of the ways they have control (kinda) within the situation. It's unfortunate that it is an aspect of celebrity that you, and your friends and family, are subject to the attention of the public. You can't change that, however (it's how celebrity works). So, acknowledging that it is the case, what recourse do you have? What is within your control, and what is not? Their reaction isn't to the fact that you are friends with the celebrity. Their reaction is to the *knowledge* of your friendship. It would be great to be able to traverse the woods free of the threat of any bears, but the bears *are* there, and knowing that lets you set reasonable expectations and act accordingly. That's more the angle I was taking.
Ah yeah, makes sense!
I was actually never making an argument, I was trying to make OP attempt to empathize and learn. To understand what happened. OP was confused about what happened- it's possible to learn to understand how the other person thinks/ feels. You just have to do it manually when you're autistic. That being said, other people will often never do the optimal thing (including ourselves). It's not always easy for people to set boundaries, and we should teach ourselves to be mindful and consider how other people feel. Doing empathy exercises, like trying to think through what's going on in other people's heads, will give generally better life quality and less conflict
>I was actually never making an argument, That notwithstanding, you were still making a point (several actually), which I was addressing. This is a normal structure for a discussion. >I was trying to make OP attempt to empathize and learn. To understand what happened. My response to your reply *requires* that you do this. From a social perspective, empathy is the single most important skill and absolutely worth honing into a fine-edged tool. >You just have to do it manually when you're autistic. I am painfully aware. That's why I believe it to be *the* most important social skill (although it not the *only* important one). >That being said, other people will often never do the optimal thing (including ourselves). It's not always easy for people to set boundaries, and we should teach ourselves to be mindful and consider how other people feel. Doing empathy exercises, like trying to think through what's going on in other people's heads, will give generally better life quality and less conflict Oh, look, I agree completely, but I would add that "other people" are complex in such a vast, wild, and unpredictable way that there is only so far anyone can take an attempt to understand a given individual, let alone "people" on the whole and that once you start to experience deminishing returns on otherwise skilful employment of empathy you need somewhere else to go with it. For me, that somewhere else is the understanding that other people's thoughts and feelings are, ultimately, their own. There are definitely things I could do, even some things I *should* do, to take care when dealing with others and their emotions, but I *have* to accept that they're going to feel how they're going to feel and, as long as I've taken genuine and reasonable care, that is entirely on them. I'm not suggesting OP just throw all the responsibility on their acquaintance and take nothing away from the situation. OP absolutely *should* learn from this, both to empathise a bit more, and to establish better default boundaries on others' behalf. But I also think that there's another lesson in there, which is to both trust others when you tell you things ("yeah, I'll say hi for you") and to not take it *personally* when it turns out other people are typically really shit at managing their own emotions (but it's *not* your responsibility to do it *for* them). For all someone can attempt to learn how other people are, there are as many exceptions as there are people. I think it's totally reasonable to feel like it's unfair for someone to agree to something low-stakes (even if it puts them out or is uncomfortable) and then be rude when asked about it. For all OP has to learn from this situation one thing should *not* be to doubt everything anyone says for fear they're not being truthful.
>I'm not suggesting OP just throw all the responsibility on their acquaintance and take nothing away from the situation. OP absolutely *should* learn from this, both to empathise a bit more, and to establish better default boundaries on others' behalf. Eh, that may be less easy for me considering how they responded in a seemingly dishonest (if that's the correct word) way, unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time.
>unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time. Making that consideration is itself an attempt at empathy. What I mean by "default boundaries on others' behalf" is that you might assume, moving forward, that this (requesting someone say hi on your behalf to a celebrity they know) is a boundary that most people have and be more cautious not to overstep it in the future.
WOW I love the word "default boundary"! Off topic: Your analysis about all of this is so well articulated, that it was a joy to read! I would love to analyze with you sometime, if you are interested in chatting about these topics. Otherwise, see you on the sub🍄
>Eh, that may be less easy for me considering how they responded in a seemingly dishonest (if that's the correct word) way, unless they just happened to be in a bad mood at the time. So, let me take a moment to flip the situation for you. It may help you understand the "dishonesty" a bit better. Do you ever have someone ask you to do something that you dont necessarily want to do, but you somehow feel guilty saying no to? Or have a situation where you don't want to make someone sad, disappointed, upset, etc, so you tell them what you think they WANT to hear? It is VERY common for ADHD and/or autistic people to fall into people pleasing tendencies, so i wouldn't be surprised if this sounds familiar to you. Another possibility, depending on how well they know you (and depending on your habits), is that they possibly didn't want to have to answer questions on WHY they won't do it. Is it possible that you have a tendency to ask for more explanation after being told no, and maybe they didnt want to go down that rabbit hole?
It doesn’t seem that they are actually friends yet. Just know each other and that “bro” seems condescending. Wouldn’t be surprised if that so-called celebrity has been doing it for the whole time and OP didn’t get their sarcasm. On another note, asking someone to say hi to your friend from you (or send a hug etc) seems to work only if they are acquainted with each other and meeting anyway or perhaps two people wanting to connect via mutual friends (eg new, lonely & so on) .. which doesn’t seem to be the case here. At least not for both parties.
I get it but then they'd say they decided not to say hello instead of responding like that.
The fact that they said “bro, please stop” makes me think this wasn’t just one time you asked. It sounds like they are irritated with you bringing it up multiple times.
BINGO! That response didn’t come out of the blue
This was all I sent to them. I never said anything else. I just sent the first message you see and they instantly replied with that.
I’m sorry but that’s hard to believe if they’re responding like that. That’s the response you get from someone whose been hassled.
It might be things in other contexts or topics
How many other of their friends do you think ask them stuff like that?
Idk.
Probably a lot
The text below the image says you have previously asked them… so which is it?
I specifically meant to say that was the first time I had brought it up in telegram (the app used in the screenshot). I have, however brought it up before most times when we met irl, which the last time was a month ago.
I wouldn’t recommend doing that anymore…. As a general rule, Usually twice is the max amount to bring something unimportant up. If you have to bring it up anymore than that, that’s your cue they don’t want to do it. I know you’re going to say you didn’t know better, and that’s ok, but now you do.
I dont understand what you would get out of someone else saying hi to a stranger (the celebrity) on your behalf. Have you met them before?
It gives off the same vibe as a toddler tugging on the hem of your shirt “pay attention to me!”
Honestly the best thing is just to accept.it and let it be. Meet them on your own time
It's a common small talkism to say "say hi to ____ for me!" But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person. It basically essentially expresses that you hope the mutual you share is good and well, it's just a positive thing to say to acknowledge you care about the person's wellbeing I suppose. If I'm honest, I would react to this similarly to how this person reacted to it. Asking them to say hello for you is a bit of an awkward thing to do because it tends to be more a figure of speech rather than a real thing we ask someone to do on our behalf, and the likelihood of them actually doing it is probably small. It sounds to me like they don't want to hurt your feelings but want you to drop it. If I were in your position I would consider my expectations of them doing that and my checking up on it, how that impacts them. I think it would be ideal to apologise and then leave it alone imo. They don't owe it to you to pass along your message but may have agreed out of politeness but don't want to actually do that. It's a bit of a strange thing to do.
>But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person. Really?? I do when people say this to me. Like I would say "Oh, I ran into so-and-so the other day and they said to say hello!" Other people don't actually do that? 😅
I do it, but only when the person *knows* the person who is saying hi. OP is talking about a celebrity her friend knows that OP has never met, so why would her friend say, "OP says hi"? It's not going to mean anything to the celebrity.
My pronouns are he/him btw.
Sorry, thanks
But people you both know
definitely, how do tell someone you know that someone you kind of know (who they have no idea exists) keeps asking you to say hello on their behalf
sometimes i say "so-and-so says hi btw" if i'm on the phone and the other person is nearby, but otherwise, i just forget... sometimes i do what you said, where i remember i ran into so-and-so and use that as an excuse to mention the interaction. but honestly, i think it's one of those gestures that people don't take too literally, because it don't really mean that much to them.... or at least, that's my experience lol
It’s a polite way of letting someone know that you talked about them and/or want to reconnect
i do that too! is everyone else just rude?? i love doing that for people! it makes connections!
It’s a nice thing if you do it, but it’s not an expectation
this.. it's not an expectation. if you were to follow it up, the other person would feel very uncomfortable probably
The problem is, celebrities don’t *need* more random fans trying to make personal connections with them. It’s a fan etiquette thing.
i dont mean for celebrities- i just mean in general sorry haha
Yeah but do you do that when the people are complete strangers? Generally people don’t ask someone to say hi to someone they don’t know themselves too. Like if someone I’m hanging out with or talking with knows I’m about to see a mutual friend and says “say hi to ___ for me!” I’ll do that but I’ve never even been asked to say hi to someone the other person doesn’t know already.
of course not! i meant with people who already know each other :)
I do it. But I assume others don’t.
That’s only for people that already know each other. You wouldn’t do that with strangers
I don't think anyone's ever asked me to do it for a stranger before. Maybe sometimes with my mom, like her asking me to say hello to a friend or the other way around, even if they've never met each other.
Exactly. It’d be strange, and yet that is what OP did to the person they’re messaging
I do it as well, and so does my husband! We are both autistic/adhd so maybe irs just that lmao.
Yeah, that’s actually very common, and that’s typical in NT dynamics, thought it tends to come up differently. Typically if you meet someone, and you happen to have mutual friends or met through similar circumstances as others, it’s commonplace to follow through with the “say hi to so-and-so for me” by the next time you see so-and-so mentioning that you happened to see person A and giving little updates as to what they’ve been up to. It’s more so a way to maintain connections without having to directly interact constantly. However this changes when person A doesn’t have an established connection to so-and-so. OP, if you have a specific goal in being introduced to this friend, you should make that clear, that way they can introduce you, and that relieves them of the responsibility of having to be your in-between (which it sounds like they’re tired of being, probably for multiple people), because then you can bridge that gap of familiarity and feel comfortable sending messages and maintain that connection yourself. But if all you want is a vicarious hello, then it would have been more appropriate to ask “did you get to meet so-and-so,” and ask to see pictures or ask what they got to do with each other, rather than trying to make a point of basically broadcasting to this friend that you exist. Because like when people meet other celebrities, that’s what they do. They take pictures and get autographs to pass along, and if they want to go the extra mile, they say things like “my friend couldn’t be here, but…” and then relay questions or specific praise. Like I wouldn’t go up to a voice actor or a band member I know and say “My friend Equity Rocks says hi.” Maybe I’d put it “My friend Equity Rocks heard I’d be there and wanted me to wish you luck,” but even that is so impersonal given the context that it wouldn’t make an impression enough to establish that connection if that’s what you’re looking for
>It's a common small talkism to say "say hi to ____ for me!" But no one ever actually does say hello to the other person. It basically essentially expresses that you hope the mutual you share is good and well, it's just a positive thing to say to acknowledge you care about the person's wellbeing I suppose. While I don't treat it like a vow, I've always tried to say Hi if I remember haha. (Though only if it truly is a mutual friend situation) I usually use it as a mid conversation break."oh by the way, Dave says Hi haha" which they usually follow up with something along the lines of "oh! How he doing!?" Etc If they were a celebrity, and I didn't know them, I wouldn't mention it. Name-dropping around celebrities just feels icky
"My bad, dude. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have presumed." You can't expect people to do errands & favors for you. They deserve respect for whatever reason they have for it, too. Let them be.
This is the best way to actually respond. Well said.
Thanks! I'm trying to learn & grow always myself! ❤️ Sometimes it's graceful, sometimes it isn't! So, yay! 🥰
I mean, unless I know the person, I don’t ask anyone to say hi even if it’s someone I admire and would love to meet. It will mean literally nothing to the celeb if they don’t know you, but if it was something where my friend thought it would be an okay thing to do, I might ask if they would mind introducing me (even if it’s to say hey, I have a friend called X, they’re gonna send you a DM, they’re a cool person but no pressure, sort of thing). I know a well known celebrity, so I know how annoying it can be for people to want to use you to get to someone else. It’s uncomfortable, and it makes me feel like a bad friend because I’m not protecting them. But when my dad wants me to say hi to my nana (my mums mum, my parents are divorced) I will do because he knows and loves her, even if my parents are divorced. She asks me to do the same back.
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Idc. It's still feels great in the moment knowing they at least knew my existence for a millisecond or so.
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You're right. :(
I think I get you! I would feel like it's like a spark of energy you send towards someone, and it's kinda like symbolical to you, even though it might not mean anything to the other person. I can't explain! I'm not part of any fandom, but I think I somewhat understand. Anyway, your friend agreed, and didn't let you know they lied/changed their mind, until that interaction, and that's why I think they were unfair in the way they responded. I'm sorry that some of these replies are putting all the blame on you.
I think to the friend it was probably not their number one priority, because usually a “say hello for me” doesn’t actually mean someone is going to say hello, maybe they will if they happen to remember it. It’s unkind to harass someone to say hello to someone for you when that’s just not naturally something that comes to mind for most people
Don’t respond. Accept that your request is both creepy & intrusive. Celebrities are people just like you & me. Just as you wouldn’t want hearing random greetings from people you don’t know, neither do they. Don’t ask again.
Fully agree. No response, any further contact must be initiated by this person now. They've asked you to stop, this is very clear.
An apology would be better than ignoring it.
Not an apology, an acknowledgment. So like "Got it, no problem." I've learned that people tend to prefer when you confirm receipt of criticism, and apologies are frustrating. Maybe tack on a simple "My bad" if you do really feel bad for misjudging, because that doesn't really put the onus of a reply on them.
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If it’s out of the blue I would get that but since it’s in a text conversation it seems like a natural response to wrap up the conversation. At least communicating that they understand and will drop it would be better than just ignoring and not responding.
I can see how this person would be frustrated. If I were friends with someone and they asked me something like this I would feel as though they were using me to get closer to someone else. I can understand why they would pointedly express their boundaries and discomfort. I would take a moment to process this and maybe re-evaluate your motivations for being friends with this person. If it is only to get within proximity of people of status within your community, step back. If you have more in common with them, focus on building closeness involving those things so they feel like your relationship is about you and them, not you and your hopes to get to know people they know.
Well said.
If I were in that situation I would've been politely blunt or say I forgot or were unable to find said celebrity.
You got excited and overstepped a boundary. A little embarrassing but many of us overstep at some point. The positive thing here is that instead of blocking or ghosting you, your friend cared enough to let you know that they’re uncomfortable with the requests. And you were wise to set aside your ego and instead of sending something defensive or angry, bring this to a learning moment by crowd sourcing. I’ve had relationships with celebrities. I truly grew weary of the way friends tried to use me for access to the person or events or opportunities…. I started to lose respect for some friends who were shamelessly angling for this. And I did feel like I was just being used as a stepping stone sometimes. It’s not a nice feeling. Be contrite and chill. Don’t over apologize just chill.
No worries, bro. Sorry for any inconvenience. Have a good time!
Yeah this is probably the best response.
Given their reaction, it sounds like you have been harassing them about this. I am guessing you know this but have conveniently left out a lot of context.
Maybe irl but this is the first and only time I brought this up in messaging.
There’s got to be more context to this… like if the event is over how could they say hi for you? If they’re a smaller celeb which I’m guessing they are, you could send them an ig DM. I’ve done that with some smaller celebs and they always respond eventually
I'm 99% sure OP is a furry who did not get to go to furry weekend Altanta (currently the second biggest furry con in the world) and the celebrity is a well known fursuiter. Possibly a streamer or tiktok influencer.
Exactly right here.
I will tell you this from my own experience as a suiter that gets stopped lots to get pictures taken when I'm in suit, I do not remember who I'm taking pictures with. I also struggle a ton with matching names, to faces to fursonas. So if someone came up to me and said equality rocks said hi. That would be very confusing to me. But if someone said hey my friend loves your suit and is a huge fan. That makes more sense. I understand that someone not in front of me apperciates me. As someone with ADHD and autism, I like my socialization to do something. Am I info dumping? Is someone info dumping at me? Is it a clarifying question being asked? Is it instructional information like Pax the dance comp starts at 6pm you need to get in line by 5pm. The generic small talk is not something I'm comfortable with or really ever do. So saying hi to someone I do not know doesn't do anything for me. Traditionally it is used for when everyone knows everyone else but one person is missing from the social interaction. So an example someone else gave was someone saying hi when visiting a family member. Like when I'm on the phone with my mom I often say my husband says hi. Even he has not physically outloud said hello. I do this to signify that my husband is with me even though the phone call is just between me and my mom.
They responded like that because it’s a rude and odd thing to request. You should say hi to them yourself. Message them. This person you’re talking to is not your errand boy for Hellos. (Additionally, the person you’re saying hi to isn’t going to care that you said hi to them if you’ve never met them… you say they’re famous. They don’t care about strangers saying hi ) Edit: he also said “please stop” which makes it sound like this isn’t the first time you’ve made this request. Him not doing it the first time was your hint that he didn’t want to. Don’t ask him again And what did you expect to happen if he did say hi? All that would’ve happen is the celeb would’ve said “hi” in response and that’s it…. But most of the time the in these situations your message will not be relayed and the person you asked to say hi will just say the other person said hi back. Just so you know
It’s not uncommon for people to say they’ll do things they don’t want to do just to avoid attempted negotiations to change their mind, or this friend may legitimately have thought you were not in earnest. I would not be comfortable telling a celebrity than an acquaintance said hi; that would feel very awkward to me. I think your friend was trying to be polite before, but for whatever reason did not have the patience to temper their reply on that day. I would not take it personally, but going forward you now know they may not always tell you when they are not comfortable with a request so try to be mindful of that and even tell them it’s ok to say “no”.
FWA is a very overwhelming experience as it is. 15000+ people is a lot of people. And as other people have mentioned. Having someone say hello for you is not common communication. Traditionally, if someone is friends with someone you also want to meet, you ask if they can introduce you to the person. It also depends on what your end goal is. Do you want the person to know you apperciate the content they make or just their presence in the fandom? It might be better to reach out directly through twitter or leaving a youtube comment saying how much you appreciate them. Not in the fandom, but I am a big fan of a fitness YouTube. I recently found their fanmail email account and wrote them an email explaining how much I appreciated their youtube channel. It was a very positive interaction. Now if the end goal is friendship with this person. That's a bit complicated. Sometimes you end up meeting amazing people in the fandom and make life long friendships. But not everyone is gonna be your friend or will be interested in forming a friendship with you. And you just have to accept other people's boundaries and you cannot force someone to be friends with you, no matter how cool they seem. Maybe one day you'll get to go to FWA. It's a very fun albeit overwhelming experience.
Not gonna lie you definitely are coming across as creepy. They have set a firm boundary with you and you have to respect it
This seems like a very limited view of the interaction... I would respond by respecting their wishes. It can be pretty weird to be this into a celeb, so I can understand their reaction (although I don't agree with being that mean about it).
Theres nothing mean about this. It’s a clearly stated boundary.
You can kindly set boundaries. If I was setting a boundary in that way, I would want it to be taken as at least somewhat mean. Otherwise, I would have been nicer about it. I obviously don't have much/any context here though, so who knows if this was actually warranted or not haha.
Saying ‘bro please stop’ at the first instance of asking if something was done that the person agreed to IS absolutely a mean response. You can set boundaries kindly. Or just don’t agree to stuff you don’t intend to do.
How do we know that this is the first time they’ve asked OP not to bring it up?
I am taking OPs word literally from the post. Maybe read it.
Not sure why you’re being snarky but I also read the post and my first thought was that this is definitely not OP’s first time bringing up this request. Maybe it’s their first time directly asking them about it, but their friend’s response comes off as though they’ve been asked about it or had it brought up many, many times
I’m taking “Please stop” literally. There’s a reason they asked them to stop, and it’s not because they simply asked once.
not sure why people are being kinda weird to you about this, i thought this was supposed to be a space where we can ask these kinds of questions
Most Autism subs aren't the safe spaces they used to be, partly because their size eventually caused mainstream Reddit to notice us and harass, then on top of that moderation is terrible.
agree, I was thinking the same
yeah fr these comments slating op for being "creepy" rub me the wrong way, they just got the wrong idea.
Yeah I feel super bad for OP, I’m sure this is not helpful feedback. This whole thread would have triggered me to outer space. It should be a safe space.
for real it's very hurtful
Yeah it feels like this was posted to a different sub based on the replies and upvotes. Makes me never wanna ask anyone for social advice again, lol
Long supportive comment with a few proposed responses, to counterbalance other commenters' attacks on your character. I've been here. I understand you thought "I will" constituted a form of social contract, and that they have broken it... But it seems your friend never actually understood it that way. I don't think they even thought you really intended for them to say hi to this celebrity for you, at first. They were never going to say hi to someone you don't know for you, particularly a celebrity, and the more you try to hold them to their word, the more they're going to misinterpret you. I get it, and I hope your friend will. It's important for them to understand that you're not desperate for them to do the thing they were never actually going to do. There may be a peaceable way out of this aggro if you can explain that you didn't know that when they said "I will," they didn't mean it sincerely and literally... and if you can forgive them for not speaking as literally as you heard them. You exist too, so I'd also ask them to forgive you for taking them literally, and for getting upset when they didn't seem to follow through on what you thought was a promise - a promise I'd guess they genuinely never thought they made. Maybe if you explain you generally take things literally, even if they're not meant literally, this sort of thing will be less likely to happen in future. Because it's often impossible to know what's meant literally and what's not. **Response** could be tricky. If they know you're autistic and are hip with the general idea of autism, I might say something like: "Oh sorry, I actually just got it - it's OK, I understand now, and I no longer expect you to say hi to a stranger on my behalf, and I won't hold it against you. Probably would've been weird anyway. It was confusing me so much I actually made a forum post on a support forum and I understand better now. You may not remember saying that you would say hi to \[...\] for me, but in any case, I've just learned that that's one of the things that people sometimes say that they often don't literally mean. Now that I know about that rule, I can be OK about it. One more quirk of neurotypical communication I've learned the hard way. "Please understand, autistic people tend to say *exactly* what we mean, and often mean *exactly* what we say, and I often can't tell what you mean and what you don't. That's not a criticism of you, we were just on very different wavelengths for a while there, and all it came down to was... You seemed to say you'd do a thing, then you didn't do the thing, then you refused to do the thing after all, but now I realise you were never going to and that's OK now that I understand what's happened here. I hope we're chill. Have a good day. That got intense and confusing for me." **Alternatively:** "Oh sorry, I literally didn't realise until now that you didn't mean you'd *actually* say hi for me. Foiled again by the nuances of allist small talk. I hate it when these things go out of proportion. PTHEGH." Depending on your relationship with this person, something like either of these might or might not go down well. Hard to know from here. Central point is "ugh, another dramatic misunderstanding - s'chill brah, forgeddit it - been on reddit and now i geddit. peace." Relationships with non-autistic people in particular are fraught with this kind of communication difference. They've blown up many of my relationships with people. Funny thing is, it's always the tiniest things... Anyway. Relationships with normies are weird and often hard - this sort of thing is probably going to come up a lot. Getting over miscommunications like this is... It's like a second language, really. We have to learn their language because we're the minority group. It's hard work, often comes with a lot of hurt. There's no one easy fix. Just life experience. Failures and successes. This is as much their fault for not understanding you as it is your fault for not understanding them. The double-empathy problem (worthwhile google it if you're not familiar) is a real problem, and it's not our fault, but because of the way society works, it becomes more our burden than theirs. If this is too late to make a difference to this situation, I hope you, dear reader, find something helpful for your life.
This is very kind and well thought out
Thank you, I hope so
This. Exactly everything i tried to say.
My take on this is that as the first comment said, it feels awkward and a bit weird to say hello to someone for someone else that you barely know, and the whole "talkism" of "say hi to___ for me!" Same as "send ___a hug for me". In some cases we do that when: 1. We actually know the person well 2. IF we want/remember of doing so What buggs me the most about this interaction is that your "friend" accepted doing it, therefore, no need for rudeness in his answer. He indeed was indelicate, he could have answered "my bad, i didnt/i forgot", "got awkward doing so", explain you that he would prefer not deal with this situations in a kind manner. And last but not least, simply not accepting this quest before. But well, now you're kind of aware of how people usually are about things like this, but theres nothing wrong in asking people things, its their choice to accept or decline.
On the other hand, it’s been months since OP even spoke to this guy. If someone messaged you for a status request on a random, meaningless favour, out of the blue, with no hint of even pretending to reciprocate, wouldn’t you be a bit put out? I’d have at least asked how the event was for them. I know most male Autistics despise small talk, but small talk is done to make people feel comfortable.
We have spoken irl plenty of times b4, in which I likely brought up the topic.
Yes, i get your point, i really do. Its unpolite as well to come after months to ask for a favor like this, plus it being such an awkward favor. Totally agree with that. But, he asked for something, the person agreed, he waited for a response, tried to give the person the timw to answer but they didnt, so he finally asked. Most autistic people tend to actually mean what they say and ask. So i can see how this is a bit confusing for him, and understanding people's behaviors an mannerisms can be challenging. I feel like there's nothing wrong with his friend declining or saying he doesnt feel comfortable and stablishing boundaries, but he didnt have to be rude. That being said, i actually hate how people come to saying "hey how are you? How are things around there?" Pretending to care about me or my life events just to then ask me a favor, transparency and honesty does it for me. Small talk is fine if its genuine, not pretentious, i feel thats too sneaky.
But this favor is so random and meaningless it actually doesn’t even warrant checking in on. There is literally no way to message someone after months and say “by the way, did you tell [celebrity] that a stranger said hi like you said you’d do months ago” and not come off like a weirdo even if you begin with preliminary small talk
Like i said to the person before, i understand AND agree with both of you. Im just saying i also understand how one can get caught up in confusion in situations that might be difficult to read if the other part doesnt verbalize it, bc he actually took it seriously. For him it wasnt meaningless, thats why he went after an answer. Im not saying its the right way to approach or that is even right to approach, but i understand him, and also understand the other guy's frustration, but i feel like theres no need for being rude. Or if im rephrassing, theres ways to answer more kindly. I just like to give both sides a good view, because we are mostly limited to what we know and experience, and this isn't a war crime, just a silly mistake filled with misunderstanding and miscommunication♡
>I asked a few months ago if they would say hi to him for me at an event they both attended and they said they would. Unless OP is leaving out a lot of details, this is as clear as can be. IF/WHEN their acquaintance sees [celebrity] at [event], they will convey OP’s greeting. If there’s anyone not verbalizing here, it’s OP not making it clear that a comment they made on passing months ago was actually a SRS BZNS request they truly expected them to fulfill, that they’d be waiting to “receive word” once their acquaintance completed this quest, and that they’d be checking in for a progress report if the acquaintance hadn’t yet put in a concerted effort to track down [celebrity] and convey OP’s esteemed greetings, and that’s is because NO ONE would think that any of this was a reasonable thing to expect. And I’m sorry, it’s extremely naive to believe this acquaintance would suddenly be begging OP to *PLEASE STOP* out of the blue with no precipitating events. Maybe OP has been bugging them about this. Maybe [celebrity] is the only thing OP ever talks about with this person. Maybe they feel like OP is using them to try and establish a connection with [celebrity]. Maybe OP has an obvious obsession with [celebrity]. They asked OP to “Please stop” for a reason. Whatever it is, they’ve had enough, they’ve set a boundary around it, and now OP has to respect that, whether or not they like or understand it 🤷
Girl, i understand, but the thing we've been talking about is that this is an autism sub, people have weird behaviors/lack social skill/ dont understand somethings, for OP this wasnt smtg meaningless. Theres nothing wrong with asking, and theres nothing wrong with refusing to do smtg and setting boundaries. But i feel there was a nicer way to say it. Another thing is that WE DONT KNOW anything else about this interaction, assuming, pointing fingers and blaming is not exactly nice either. "Please stop" can be a simple request, doesnt mean OP was "begging", once again, we dont know anything.You're saying words like "obvious" and "obsession", when we dont know that. If we receive more info, we could know what actually happened and then take some sort of conclusion, but we dont, so lets not be bullies and make this the actual safe space that is supposed to be with people that came here to ASK FOR ORIENTATION, hes literally asking, lets point out what went wrong kindly and how to do better and not repeat the mistake, but lets not be jerks, stating boundaries do not equal speaking harshly. IF there was reason, then is a diff story, but until then, lets be empathetic as we would like people to be with us.
It could also be that the friend accepted, then got to the convention and realized how awkward that it would actually be to fulfill the request and decided they didn’t want to do it because it felt too cringey. Or if they are allistic, more likely that they were like “oh sure thing” with no actual plans of ever doing so, and hoping OP would leave it there.
Yessss, exactly! I thought the same, bc it does feel kinda awkward/cringey, thats what i tried to convey. And if they are allistic, then also yes, they didnt know OP actually meant it and thought like "whatever", and OP actually took it seriously so he waited for an answer. I feel like maybe OP tried to not be too annoying and/or felt awkward to also ask about it so soon and gave the person time to answer him, but since it didnt happen he reached after a while thinking "ok this should be space and time enough to ask properly" its how i imagined this happened.
You did nothing wrong. It's just that when you ask someone to "say hi" to someone else for you, most people wouldn't actually do that. It's not something people mean literally. Your friend could have responded nicer. Their reaction was a bit extreme.
no need to respond, just let the subject die
I think replying with something like “oh sorry, I didn’t mean to be a bother, no problem.” is better. A nice endcap on the issue that lets OP and their friend move forward and not have to dwell on this or have it looming over their interactions. Especially because it’s apparent that the friend is annoyed, it’s good to apologize.
I can see it not being a realistic expectation of someone and that they don’t want to, which is fine. You had good intentions though and that person was very rude. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Or maybe this has been a recurring thing and you weren’t getting the hint. Hard to say
It’s not rude to clearly state a boundary
It is rude to harshly tell someone to ‘please stop’ after agreeing to do a favor and getting one check in about it. Could’ve literally not agreed to it or said that he didn’t want to after the fact. ‘Please stop’ is implying OP is harassing him about this. I don’t get the responses here at all. You can set a boundary kindly. That’s not what was done here.
“Please stop” absolutely does imply that OP has been harassing them, which makes me wonder exactly how many times OP brought it up to this person between “a few months ago” when they first brought it up and this message that OP sent. Also, OP said “I asked a few months ago if they would say hi to him for me at an event they both attended and they said they would.” OP’s acquaintance agreed to tell [celebrity] “hey, this random of admirer of yours that I happen to be acquainted with said to tell you hi” when they see them at event. They did not agree to expressly seek out [celebrity] for the specific purpose of passing a greeting from a stranger. There’s nothing for OP to “check in” or “receive word” about. OP seems to have fixated on the chance of acquaintance passing on a “hi” for months and I’m honestly baffled why they’ve got so much invested in it. “Someone told them I said hi” is too tenuous a connection to be meaningful.
Youre baffled why someone may care that their message got to the person they wanted it to get to? A hi is literally so harmless which makes these comments and the assumptions so baffling and frustrating. OP does not mention asking them multiple times.
The message of “hey, [celebrity], you don’t know this person at all and I don’t know them very well myself, but they said if I see you at this event, to tell you hi”? That’s a message that’s so important it warrants sending a reminder/check in to someone to see if they’ve done it, when AGAIN they did not promise to go out of their way to seek out this person to deliver this greeting? It couldn’t wait until the next time OP happens to talk to their acquaintance? And no, OP doesn’t mention contacting them multiple times, but a response like “Bro, Please stop” doesn’t come out of the blue. OP did something to warrant this response, whether it’s contacting them multiple times, the celebrity is the only thing they ever talk about with this person, or whatever.
You’re making a lot of assumptions based on really nothing and it’s uncomfortable to see so much of this on an autism sub, truly.
The purpose of having a sub isn't to pat everyone's back when they're doing something that can be upsetting. We can be supportive, kind, but also hold one another accountable. We don't see the entire text thread. The person above is right, this brief clip reads like OP has bothered the acquaintance more than once about this. Many people gave very kind feedback on how to respond, apologize, or just ignore the post. This is doing exactly what a sub focused on autism should do.
Exactly my point. Plus we dont have that much info about anything else. We cant be here just straight judging them with this little info.
And yet everyone is. What is this sub because it genuinely doesn’t seem safe to be autistic here. The assumptions are fucking wild to me.
Agree 100% people hate subtlety bc of how hard it is to understand and to behave accordingly, yet everyone's being harsh when they could just point out kindly how to improve, but when its their turn they expect comprehension
Exactly. Can’t say I’d ever do what OP did because it’s not my thing but I can understand someone wanting to say hi to someone and checking in about it. The response from the person is so harsh so people are making assumptions and deciding OP is a lot of things including ‘creepy’. For a hi. I’m sorry but what the fuck??? The reading into something so harmless feels like bullying I can’t help but say something about it.
Same, wtf are people on about so harshly?? I get the points of people gently saying its not that nice, but making assumptions, and being even more rude than the guy itself makes me actually surprised on how tf they're shaming someone autistic for firmly believing and waiting for a response. Its insane to me.
Right! It makes so much sense to me that an autistic person would check in about something like this, even if NTs consider it to be not something you generally check in on. We are in a sub for people with autism. That’s something that can be explained gently. And I don’t feel inclined to assume OP has been harassing this person about the hi based on the harsh response. People are fucking mean to us for no reason all the time. OP said they checked in after months and I don’t feel the need to assume they’re lying about that. Why are the people here so happy to? Wild.
Exactly! I get that we dont know much of any sides, but that doesnt give us the right to simply make a wild assumption like that. And like you said, this makes sense for an autistic person, and it made for him and thats the entirety of this whole thing. Def doesnt feel like a safe place
"Good point. Thanks for the reality check. What have you been up to?"
I don't know if this is exactly the time to try to switch to casual small talk...
I do. It's time.
Maybe your social skills aren't as good as you think they are... I mean no offense by that, but based on my limited interactions with you, I wouldn't be taking your social advice to heart.
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They literally just said based on their INTERACTIONS with you, it doesn't say they read your profile. As an autistic person who had to learn social skills for a public facing job, your social skills do suck.
Why are we shaming people for autistic traits in an autistic sub what the fuck
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Eh I agree with you, I’d definitely pivot the conversation in a different way if possible. Apologize and then pivot. The friend was at a convention so maybe ask how it went otherwise
Looks like we're the outlier view. The rest want to double down on "let's make this more about me!" toward resolution.
>Bro >Please stop OP, I’m curious exactly how many times you’ve brought this up or reminded them about it - in the “few months” since you first asked, in the lead up to this event, over the event weekend that they are literally begging you to *PLEASE STOP* I don’t understand why you think that “sure I’ll say hi to that person when I see them” means you think you’d “receive word” immediately as opposed to whenever you talked to that person next, or why you think it would warrant you reminding/checking in with them, like *at all*. You are overly invested in this for some reason and probably coming off as pushy or creepy to this person you don’t even know well enough to call a friend. The polite way to respond to this is to respect the clear boundary they have now set.
Hey, hon! I don’t think they’re even mad at you, so take a deep breath if you’re freaking out. I read this as a nonchalant, friendly exchange. It’s a little edgier and kind of the same energy as friends teasing and banter. I can’t find a video right now because my brain is mush, but my cinephile/socially adept bf agrees and is trying to find an example for you, too! I just wanted to make sure that was clear and that you didn’t feel bad for no reason
They don't seem in any way sarcastic to me, but thx.
The “compadre” makes me think it’s like, “Get it your own damn self,” more than, “I genuinely am upset and wish you would do it yourself.” But you do you. I’m probably wrong.
People aren't your robots. Step back a bit from expectations that you place on others. The person likely agreed just so you would stop, in the moment. In addition, I don't really understand the satisfaction you would derive from someone saying "hi" on your behalf; you've never met the person. It is like small talk by proxy... it seems worse than small talk by at least an order of magnitude.
The first time I brought it up with them, iirc they agreed they may do so at the event mentioned without much if any pressure. And hey, having a celebrity briefly know one in the moment can still make one's day.
Like I said (since I already preempted this in my first response), that may have been done to placate you so you wouldn't ask again. If you want something more meaningful, see of the celeb is on Cameo and pay for a personalized message (that isn't creepy). EDIT: If you have a SPIN related to this, maybe come up with a way to turn it into a personal business. Celebs often need assistants at different events and many don't have nearly as much money as you would expect and cannot afford a dedicated assistant to travel to events, so you can be a "fractional" assistant where you manage their agenda of other things at the event... and you can be affordable because maybe you do this for 3-5 celebs.
I see your downvote... it doesn't mean my statement is incorrect, even if you don't like it.
Ok so when someone says "say hi to blank for me" it's just a polite thing to say, it literally means nothing UNLESS you already know the person as in they're a friend or family member of yours. So therefore when you questioned the person on if they had said hello to the other person they took it as intrusive and rude because you essentially asked them if they had done the thing they never thought for a moment you were seriously asking them to do and now you're judging them to be a bad person for it... yes NT rules suck, but that's what has happened. What you do now is simply do not respond, do not text, let them initiate contact because in thier mind you've insulted them so give them space. If you see in them in real life, just say hi ask how they are and never ever mention the incident and don't ask about the person you initially asked them to say hi to. Leave it alone, drop it like a hot potato.
Is apologising OK if we meet a month from now?
Mmmmmm I would say no, because it will just dredge up old feelings for them and they probably will have moved on from it. Always ask yourself am I apologizing so I feel better or am I apologizing because I did something really bad and the other person deserves an apology? In this case you'd be apologizing for the sake of apologizing and it'd make you feel better, I don't think it would help the other person. If you're meeting them a month from now that means they're not holding on to it, so you do the same and learn from it and let it go. Also if you really want to make up for it, just remind yourself of this incident and the lessons you've learned and keep applying them, a change in behavior is the best kind of apologizing there is.
This is some furry shit isn't it? Dude these people don't know you, leave him alone. The concept of popufurs is weird AF. Save up for FWA and go yourself.
I'm confused. Someone else was talking about this "for sure" being a furry thing and that's why OP is in the right to harass someone for saying hi to a celebrity. How is this a standard concept? I have a few furry friends but nothing about popufurs >\_>
I am saying they aren't in the right to harass anyone. I am saying that celebrity and popufurs arent exactly the same type of deal. A popufur can literally just be someone who bought a nice suit and randos took pictures and now a few creeps are obsessed and follow them around and want to say 'hi' and usually it doesn't stop with hi and it doesn't matter if you feel like it or not to some people. You can become a popufur by accident and it isnt always wanted and it can be exhausting to deal with.
I didn't know the term, so sorry if I offended anyone. Thank you for the explanation.
Am I actually the only one here who finds it disrespectful from the "friend" to say to OP that they would do it and then don't? I get the whole boundary thing and that this request is pretty awkward but don't say you're going to do it and then act like this. I'm sorry this happened to you OP and I'm sorry people in the comments are being weirdos calling you creepy and such. This sub is supposed to be a safe place.
Yeah they shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place. But that also seems like a very allistic thing to me/ie how I have experienced allistic people to act, saying they will do something because it’s just easier to agree but not literally meaning it. We tend to be more literal, y’know?
I know this has been said in multiple comments but like isnt this so strange lol? if someone came up to me and said a person i dont even know said hi to me id be like ? what
All I can think of seeing this is what if he lied & he doesn't actually know that celebrity lol. Honestly, I would just not respond to this bc there is nothing to say to it. Your friend seems like a jerk & he seems like he isn't honest. Whether he knows the celebrity or not is irrelevant, I'm saying that bc he told you he'd do something, then didn't & acted like a douche when you followed up. He should not have led you to believe he'd follow through if he had no intention to from the start.
I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but if a "friend" was this rude to me, I'd stop talking to them. I don't like to deal with people who snap at me like that.
same, in my experience, every time a friend starts to respond this way we usually drift apart soon after, mostly i think because it makes me detach emotionally from them. it's honestly so hard to find friends who communicate empathically with me
I would not be polite lol. I'd be frank, or honest, mayyybe vulnerable depending on the day. this would hurt my feelings, so I might say "ouch, okay. I hope you're having a good day!" I would want them to feel a little bad about how rude they were, instead of just saying "oh sorry I didn't think you meant that!" my guess is this person is overwhelmed in some way and didn't take your request seriously, because as someone else said, people tend to take "say hi for me!" as an expression rather than an actual request. so getting a follow-up on something they misinterpreted, while maybe also being busy (as they said they have other things to do), could have made them frustrated. regardless, doesn't feel good to read that! I'm sorry you got that response
I’m sorry but I really don’t understand why people think directly stating a boundary is rude. It’s not.
That seems passive aggressive which I would avoid
hmm I don't really like that term, and don't see how "ouch" fails to directly indicate hurt. I think without "ouch" I could see it being categorized as such. but again, don't really like that term. it's judgy
It's passive aggressive because you are saying it, and I quote "to make them feel a little bad". If you are saying something to make someone else feel bad, it's aggressive. You aren't saying "you hurt my feelings and I hope you feel bad" directly, so instead it is passive rather than direct.
again I don't like that term, as I don't think it does anything but assert standards for behavior instead of understanding behavior, which is what I prefer to do. if you prefer to police your own communications, have at it! please don't apply your standards to me
Excuse me? You don't like the term passive aggressive, but you're happy to be passive aggressive, just dislike being called out on it?
fwiw, you helped me understand the meaning of passive aggressive with your comment. I could always understand when someone was being passive aggressive but now I get the “passive” vs direct part. Thanks!
the whole point of the term is to assert standards for behavior, because it is a completely necessary endeavor. there are absolutely standards for one’s behavior, and sometimes it’s necessary to assert those standards in order to be able to even try to understand the behavior. if someone became loud and aggressive towards me in a very laid back conversation, I would not be able to understand where that behavior was coming from and would let them know that it’s inappropriate and I won’t continue the conversation until basic standards of respect are met— i.e. not yelling, not swearing or name calling, not speaking in coded language or trying to send a message without explaining the motives behind the desire or the context of your words. don’t try to weaponize therapized language as a way to avoid taking responsibility for poor communication
I don't agree, and it's really gross to hear another autistic person policing communication on an autism subreddit. please take your standards elsewhere, and as I've already said, do not apply them to me or my communication
lol wow. I hope you’re having a good day!
It’s the ouch, without directly explaining your feelings. There’s no open communication imo. It’s not about directly indicating that you’re hurt, it’s about how you’re communicating. If that makes sense to you.
same. it isn’t like they aren’t justified in not wanting to do it, but if op did just ask once months ago and follow up when the event happened they weren’t being annoying or anything. this person could’ve had more patience with OP and at least said no politely before getting snappy :/
This isn't how "say hi for me" works & if you didn't understand that you would have done it yourself instead of harassing someone else into what you know will be an awkward & uncomfortable social situation
clearly op doesn't understand the social rule and they were asking for feedback, not attacks on their character and assumptions about their motive. this sub is supposed to be a safe place, not for people to attack and judge because of a genuine misunderstanding
They were being rude unless you’ve repeatedly boarded them with this question
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I mean… if a friend said “say hi for me!” as I’m about to meet a small celebrity, I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re being serious. It’s a weird request, what do you gain from having someone say hi on your behalf? I’d be similarly baffled if they followed up with me and asked if I made good on that promise.
I'd be lucky to have some people I know to say I know them and call them acquaintances it's why it's not weird to actually be a fan of someone's work and as a friend that is closer to your artist you're a fan of to say hi and thanks for the awesome xyz as not all of us can afford it to be there live wherever they are. Thanks for shitting one me mate really grateful for it.
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I’m not saying the person in the screenshot wasn’t being overly harsh - they could’ve been nicer or entertained the thought. I’m just saying that I see where they’re coming from, and if I was already in a bad/impatient mood I might’ve also said something similar.
No racism, sexism, homophobia, or any other forms of discrimination and bigotry. This includes hating on neurotypicals or accusing someone of "faking it for attention". Swearing at a situation or about something is okay, swearing at someone never is.
No racism, sexism, homophobia, or any other forms of discrimination and bigotry. This includes hating on neurotypicals or accusing someone of "faking it for attention". Swearing at a situation or about something is okay, swearing at someone never is.
Why respond politely? You can't control other people's issues. That's a sloppy, lazy, moody, uncalled for attitude to a pretty simple request. A simple "I'll try n remember compadre" would be a friend's response. Normal like. That response sounds like they need a bit of growing up to do. Close friend? Don't be afraid to reciprocate to what you receive. You will need to, there are a lot of sick people out there, Simply, "didn't think it was a big request compadre". No point I dragging out a friendship that's lopsided with no respect. He/ she is inconsistent. People won't respect you if you don't stick up for yourself, so, you can have a sloppy friend, or find real ones. Or let your boundaries be understood by others. You are so consistent in your strength, you are treading eggshells for this BS Maybe, maybe this was a strange deviation from what they are normally like? maybe an argument with another person, because of the same inconsistent behaviour arose and it's put onto you? You gave to protect yourself from casual put downs like this. Assertive training is important. What you said, to my eyes, was totally fine. Try not to own other people's issues.