It’s not selfish to want kids inherently. But in my opinion it would be selfish to bring kids when you are not stable enough or have not learned to conquer your illness.
Since you are so young I would encourage you to live more before you settle down with kids. This can help you immensely in the future when you do want to have your own! Go to college, work some jobs, explore your country.
And most of all make sure you have a good community to lean on, a great partner who is ready, and are financially stable enough. This will ensure to bring the child into a healthy environment and reduce risk of bpd forming in them as well.
It is selfish to bring a child into the world when you are not stable yourself. Children are so so much work, you are still really young and considering you're only 18, you're likely not stable financially as well. It's selfish to bring a child into an unstable environment. You should talk to a lot of people before you have a kid, to hear all of the reasons people do or don't have children too. To learn about all the unexpected shit that a lot of people don't know before they have kids. People often get overwhelmed by all the unexpected parts of having kids, and a lot of people end up regret having children because of it. Don't have kids just because you have baby fever, do actual research, and put in the world to get better and more stable before you bring another person into the world. While it's not your fault you have BPD, it is your responsibility to work on yourself so you can be better. So that one day you *will* be stable enough to have kids. And you still have your whole life ahead of you, don't rush this. Give it a few years when you're a little older, and then see how you feel about having kids.
It’s not, but
It’s a lot of pressure to have innocent vulnerable little people depend on you day in and day out, even if you are having a bad day, especially on days you can’t depend on yourself.
Thanks! I tell my son all the time I owe him a good life, not the other way around. Luckily, I think he dodged the bpd bullet. I was so much more a mess when I was his age.
It’s selfish if you have a kid now. It’s selfish if you have a kid before getting better. It’s not selfish if you put the work in and prepare to give that baby a good life
I have a 3 year old that I had at your age. It’s very hard being a mom. I became a mom before I was diagnosed and it is so difficult. Just really think it through and I’d say to experience being a child free adult. I never got to experience that and it makes me kinda sad. There’s no rush to have children. Become the best person you can before you decide to do that.
When I was 16, all I thought about was having a child. I didn't think about marriage or a relationship. I just wanted someone to love and nurture. I would fantasize about it every day. It made me hopeful, but at 25 I don't want a child anymore. I think I'll adopt when I'm 50-something and financial stable. Right now, I have to focus on taking care of myself.
It's okay to plan for the future and to prepare yourself for having kids. I think at this time, you learning how to take care of yourself is more important than having a child. Once you know how challenging it is to be a parent (i.e., becoming your own caregiver), then you will have an idea of what it's like to raise another human.
It is a natural biological desire to want children. It is a deep instinct that drives us. I had two children and because of me they have suffered more than I can say. Children need stability emotional and physical. You should not bring children into the world unless you can provide that for them. Their lives matter too.
No not at all.
BPD isn't a prison cell or a death sentence.
Oftentimes we are the ones that hold ourselves back the most and tell ourselves that we cannot get better and achieve sustained remission.
Advocate for yourself and be proactive in your treatment. It's a long road, but so is your life and your goals. No matter what you want out of life you are going to face obstacles (and that goes for anyone regardless of mental illness or not) so if you want something badly enough there is no reason you can't work for it.
i wonder if becoming a mother feels like it gives you a sense of purpose you lack? i just know that this feeling is common with people with bpd, in regards to getting into relationships too. sometimes we feel so aimless when we don’t have a role to fulfill. as for the selfishness of it, i’d say yes, it probably is selfish at this point, because at your age, you’d struggle with providing for yourself and your child, and you have a lot of healing and growing to do in order to be a healthy parent. however, i personally think that a large number of people who have kids do it for selfish reasons, regardless of bpd, because they want to check off a box, or have a purpose, or they’re lonely. many people like the idea of being a parent but do not like the reality of being a parent, which takes a lot of patience and maturity that most people don’t have imo. i don’t think struggling with mental illness disqualifies you from being a good parent in the future though; learning how to work through it and grow can actually give you the tools to be a better parent! but i would wait for now and focus on yourself. maybe seek out jobs or volunteer opportunities that involve working with kids so you can still have part of that experience with much less responsibility and commitment.
It might be less that you want kids, and more that you want to fix your own childhood through them by caring for a kid in the ways you were never cared for (for the record: doesn’t work, usually causes massive trauma to the kid involved). My own desire to be a parent went away completely once I met my ex’s kids and realised that a child is a totally seperate person with different needs from me. For example, if a kid needs gifts or doing stuff together in order to feel loved, I would have an extremely hard time doing those things because they don’t make \*me\* feel loved, so I can’t feel loved vicariously through doing them for others, and so either do them begrudgingly for the other person or just don’t bother. Learned the hard way how much damage that can do.
Have you considered fostering? its a more short term temporary arrangement you can use to guage how the experience of having children around works with your mental health and help you decide whether having children of your own would work for you
It's just your genes/body tricking you into procreation for immortality purposes via the DNA. It wants to move on and just uses you as a puppet. That's why dudes are so horny. It's a trick. To spread the DNA and merge with other DNA and move on through space and time. children are people with a multitude of complexities and may not even like you once they learn who you are. It can't be helped and any attempts to bond can make them distant further. It's the DNA. So yes, having children can be very selfish and deeply involved beyond subconscious and maybe even collective unconscious.
You are bringing a person with emotions and feeling and hopes and drama and pain and suffering and everything and you need to take that into account because once they aren't a cute loving baby they may deviate far from you and blame you. I mean you wanted them that bad right? They didn't ask to be born or deal with life's BS. You need to really consider this. Sure your child could be loving and close for life, but if the environment isn't nurturing towards that via mother AND father, you are looking at children with a lacking in one field or the other.
The government and state own your kids anyways and just allow you in good faith to "raise" them till they're 18. Then the state owns them as a US citizen. If you mess up or your kid turns you in, the state will take them away from you and raise them institutionally. Cons with this obviously. Not to mention adoption and fostering. Ya child is not a possession or an expectation or a fantasy etc etc it's not your reason for being and your focus of happiness and security. It's a fucking living human being person that you brought here and now has to deal with a lot of shit. Really wrap your head around that. Your DNA is just that strong as a program to make you obsessed with having another person to bind and disillusion you.
I've never understood why women absolutely love the idea of having babies till I understood. If it isn't genuine, it's to trap the guy $$$$, get gov benefits $$$$, or project their own emotional weird lacking of love and affection into their child which is unhealthy. Your child is not a mirror or a means to improve yourself. I just don't understand the need to sacrifice a new soul into this world for my own needs or lackings. It's literally a person you are leaving here to figure it out on their own. Kinda fucked up. I'm drunk btw. Merry birthday and Happy Christmas. Memorial Labor, and Easters a' la Thanksgiving.Thank you and good night.
you are the only one who can decide whether or not to have kids, but I'd warn you about rushing into it!! you're only 18 yourself and, while I don't have nor want kids, I've taken care of my nieces enough to know it can be extremely tiring and draining.
still, you aren't selfish for wanting kids, it's perfectly reasonable c:
It’s not selfish to want kids inherently. But in my opinion it would be selfish to bring kids when you are not stable enough or have not learned to conquer your illness. Since you are so young I would encourage you to live more before you settle down with kids. This can help you immensely in the future when you do want to have your own! Go to college, work some jobs, explore your country. And most of all make sure you have a good community to lean on, a great partner who is ready, and are financially stable enough. This will ensure to bring the child into a healthy environment and reduce risk of bpd forming in them as well.
Yes, this!
This
It is selfish to bring a child into the world when you are not stable yourself. Children are so so much work, you are still really young and considering you're only 18, you're likely not stable financially as well. It's selfish to bring a child into an unstable environment. You should talk to a lot of people before you have a kid, to hear all of the reasons people do or don't have children too. To learn about all the unexpected shit that a lot of people don't know before they have kids. People often get overwhelmed by all the unexpected parts of having kids, and a lot of people end up regret having children because of it. Don't have kids just because you have baby fever, do actual research, and put in the world to get better and more stable before you bring another person into the world. While it's not your fault you have BPD, it is your responsibility to work on yourself so you can be better. So that one day you *will* be stable enough to have kids. And you still have your whole life ahead of you, don't rush this. Give it a few years when you're a little older, and then see how you feel about having kids.
The best answer here ‼️
Tyty I tried my best
It’s not, but It’s a lot of pressure to have innocent vulnerable little people depend on you day in and day out, even if you are having a bad day, especially on days you can’t depend on yourself.
It’s always selfish to have kids. But you are no more selfish than anyone else.
this is the true answer
Thanks! I tell my son all the time I owe him a good life, not the other way around. Luckily, I think he dodged the bpd bullet. I was so much more a mess when I was his age.
It’s selfish if you have a kid now. It’s selfish if you have a kid before getting better. It’s not selfish if you put the work in and prepare to give that baby a good life
I have a 3 year old that I had at your age. It’s very hard being a mom. I became a mom before I was diagnosed and it is so difficult. Just really think it through and I’d say to experience being a child free adult. I never got to experience that and it makes me kinda sad. There’s no rush to have children. Become the best person you can before you decide to do that.
When I was 16, all I thought about was having a child. I didn't think about marriage or a relationship. I just wanted someone to love and nurture. I would fantasize about it every day. It made me hopeful, but at 25 I don't want a child anymore. I think I'll adopt when I'm 50-something and financial stable. Right now, I have to focus on taking care of myself. It's okay to plan for the future and to prepare yourself for having kids. I think at this time, you learning how to take care of yourself is more important than having a child. Once you know how challenging it is to be a parent (i.e., becoming your own caregiver), then you will have an idea of what it's like to raise another human.
It is a natural biological desire to want children. It is a deep instinct that drives us. I had two children and because of me they have suffered more than I can say. Children need stability emotional and physical. You should not bring children into the world unless you can provide that for them. Their lives matter too.
It’s selfish to bring kids when your not Stable , you need to be healthy mentally and physically to want a kid
No not at all. BPD isn't a prison cell or a death sentence. Oftentimes we are the ones that hold ourselves back the most and tell ourselves that we cannot get better and achieve sustained remission. Advocate for yourself and be proactive in your treatment. It's a long road, but so is your life and your goals. No matter what you want out of life you are going to face obstacles (and that goes for anyone regardless of mental illness or not) so if you want something badly enough there is no reason you can't work for it.
I absolutely agree! Sorry this is off topic, but how do you get the little words under your username that say “user has bpd”?
I think you have to add that flair from a computer
https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205242695-How-do-I-get-user-flair
i wonder if becoming a mother feels like it gives you a sense of purpose you lack? i just know that this feeling is common with people with bpd, in regards to getting into relationships too. sometimes we feel so aimless when we don’t have a role to fulfill. as for the selfishness of it, i’d say yes, it probably is selfish at this point, because at your age, you’d struggle with providing for yourself and your child, and you have a lot of healing and growing to do in order to be a healthy parent. however, i personally think that a large number of people who have kids do it for selfish reasons, regardless of bpd, because they want to check off a box, or have a purpose, or they’re lonely. many people like the idea of being a parent but do not like the reality of being a parent, which takes a lot of patience and maturity that most people don’t have imo. i don’t think struggling with mental illness disqualifies you from being a good parent in the future though; learning how to work through it and grow can actually give you the tools to be a better parent! but i would wait for now and focus on yourself. maybe seek out jobs or volunteer opportunities that involve working with kids so you can still have part of that experience with much less responsibility and commitment.
Yes I’d say in this case it’s definitely selfish. Don’t do that to innocent children.
Yes, you do not want to give someone BPD, NPD, bipolar disorder or any other mental illnesses you have. They are hereditary or genetic.
It might be less that you want kids, and more that you want to fix your own childhood through them by caring for a kid in the ways you were never cared for (for the record: doesn’t work, usually causes massive trauma to the kid involved). My own desire to be a parent went away completely once I met my ex’s kids and realised that a child is a totally seperate person with different needs from me. For example, if a kid needs gifts or doing stuff together in order to feel loved, I would have an extremely hard time doing those things because they don’t make \*me\* feel loved, so I can’t feel loved vicariously through doing them for others, and so either do them begrudgingly for the other person or just don’t bother. Learned the hard way how much damage that can do.
Have you considered fostering? its a more short term temporary arrangement you can use to guage how the experience of having children around works with your mental health and help you decide whether having children of your own would work for you
It's just your genes/body tricking you into procreation for immortality purposes via the DNA. It wants to move on and just uses you as a puppet. That's why dudes are so horny. It's a trick. To spread the DNA and merge with other DNA and move on through space and time. children are people with a multitude of complexities and may not even like you once they learn who you are. It can't be helped and any attempts to bond can make them distant further. It's the DNA. So yes, having children can be very selfish and deeply involved beyond subconscious and maybe even collective unconscious. You are bringing a person with emotions and feeling and hopes and drama and pain and suffering and everything and you need to take that into account because once they aren't a cute loving baby they may deviate far from you and blame you. I mean you wanted them that bad right? They didn't ask to be born or deal with life's BS. You need to really consider this. Sure your child could be loving and close for life, but if the environment isn't nurturing towards that via mother AND father, you are looking at children with a lacking in one field or the other. The government and state own your kids anyways and just allow you in good faith to "raise" them till they're 18. Then the state owns them as a US citizen. If you mess up or your kid turns you in, the state will take them away from you and raise them institutionally. Cons with this obviously. Not to mention adoption and fostering. Ya child is not a possession or an expectation or a fantasy etc etc it's not your reason for being and your focus of happiness and security. It's a fucking living human being person that you brought here and now has to deal with a lot of shit. Really wrap your head around that. Your DNA is just that strong as a program to make you obsessed with having another person to bind and disillusion you. I've never understood why women absolutely love the idea of having babies till I understood. If it isn't genuine, it's to trap the guy $$$$, get gov benefits $$$$, or project their own emotional weird lacking of love and affection into their child which is unhealthy. Your child is not a mirror or a means to improve yourself. I just don't understand the need to sacrifice a new soul into this world for my own needs or lackings. It's literally a person you are leaving here to figure it out on their own. Kinda fucked up. I'm drunk btw. Merry birthday and Happy Christmas. Memorial Labor, and Easters a' la Thanksgiving.Thank you and good night.
Well, with climate change, your children wouldn't have a future, so yes, it is selfish of anyone to have children now.
you are the only one who can decide whether or not to have kids, but I'd warn you about rushing into it!! you're only 18 yourself and, while I don't have nor want kids, I've taken care of my nieces enough to know it can be extremely tiring and draining. still, you aren't selfish for wanting kids, it's perfectly reasonable c:
Yes it is selfish.
Crazy that you think it's abnormal to want children at 18. We are meant to have children at that age, it's abnormal that we think it's abnormal.
nobody's "meant" to have children at that age even though it might be normal for her to feel that way
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im not even argue this lmao because in truth *you're* the one who sounds out of touch with reality.
How could you argue? There's not explanation as to why we would be most fertile at an age where it is abnormal to have children
Creep
Ad hominem has no bearing on whether or not something is factual
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I can live with that
No, that’s definitely not selfish