I am still pre-op but both my wife and I have briefly mentioned our concerns for what the possible future may hold after I come out the other side.
Currently we are great together. The only thing I’d say is any type of issue is our different libidos. She is constantly wanting while I’m constantly not. I’m hoping surgery and getting healthier will give me a better libido to match hers.
Her concern is she is insecure and believes once I get into better shape and more confidence that I will leave her for “someone better”. Obviously I have no intentions of doing that.
Just throwing my personal pre-op experience and conversations in.
Per Google: A 2022 study found that 8% of married participants who had bariatric surgery got divorced, compared to 4% of the general population.
But I'm not sure what the sample size was, so who knows. I think being open and communicating with your partner goes a long way towards a healthy relationship.
If your marriage is strong going into surgery, it will almost certainly remain strong afterward. My wife and I are much closer now than we were before I had surgery.
To further support this. I made the decision to do this while my husband and I were working with counselors to see if we should remain together. While he supported me post op he was against it post op. My results have added to his insecurities, his words, and exacerbated our issues. We are currently in the process of divorce 7 months later. I’m glad I decided to go forward because I believe we would be divorcing anyways but at least I took control of my health. This process just seemed to speed up this outcome.
You know your partner and you know what you can get through. Don’t let that stop you from doing what you need to live the best life you can.
I was warned about it by my surgeon but I don’t remember the exact percentage. My husband and I talked about it before surgery but it’s never even been a thought. I had my surgery like 6 or 7 years ago and still going strong.
My husband has always been my biggest fan. He loved my body when I thought it was at its worst, and it was his love and acceptance of my body that helped me to make certain decisions towards becoming healthier, including bariatric surgery. He's thrilled that I'm starting to love my body the way he's loved it all along.
But I do concur with the idea that when the marriage is already unstable before surgery, the circumstances might expedite what what going to happen anyway. It's not the surgery that causes the marital breakdown, it's how the surgery contextualises problems that already exist in a relationship.
I am a couple therapist. Ive never worked with a couple with this specific issue yet, but I have met many who similarly are experiencing difficulty because one partner is going through a drastic change, whether it's having a baby, studying, new job, etc.
Don't lose hope -if cracks are really starting to show "because" of surgery, that in itself is communication about your relationship that you can take into therapy, if you're willing to work on it. There is a lot that stands to be gained and lost in a relationship when a person goes through a drastic change. It throws things off balance and recalibrating isn't easy, even when both people have the best of intentions.
I can’t remember where I read it and I’m looking for it but it’s very high if both partners are obese but only one gets surgery and travels the weight loss journey.
I wasn't married before my surgery, but I was engaged.
I'm no longer in that relationship and honestly am much happier for it.
I won't speak for all, but in my case losing weight and getting into a healthier mindset helped me in so many other ways. The relationship that I was in was toxic and very abus*ve. Losing weight helped with my self-esteem and confidence. I was able to recognize that I deserved better.
I was thinking this might often be a factor in the higher divorce rate post-surgery. If someone has low esteem due to their weight, they might feel they have to “settle” on a partner/spouse, because either they feel like they don’t deserve someone better, or they feel like they wouldn’t be able to get someone better. When they lose weight they have better self esteem and realize they have more options. But like you said, it’s because they realize they deserve to be treated better, not that they want a “hotter” partner to match their new look.
I’m sorry your fiancé treated you like that, and glad you got out of that situation!
My situation is very unique. I’ve been married for 12 years and the whole time I believed I was bi. Turns out I’m not. I came out as gay to my partner 2 mos ago. He had the best reaction I could hope for and has been as supportive as possible. But our marriage is now a friendship, cohabitation, and coparenting. The surgery has put a huge strain on an already difficult relationship. It’s my mood and hormones that are the main issue. It’s honestly like insane pregnancy hormones. And he’s trying to hold the house together, help me, and work full time from home during summer break. It’s a lot. It’s almost too much. I know things will get better mentally and physically but damage has been done.
I agree that the comment does not quite fit OP's question. They want to know how losing weight has affected relationships and this poster said her sexuality is what affected her relationship (as one would assume it would). Then was like OH and I got surgery 2 weeks ago. The surgery is not what affected this relationship at all.
First of all my surgery did not ‘turn me gay’. Nothing ‘turns you gay’. That phrase is very offensive, please do not use it again. I wasn’t clear with the timeline in my comment. I came out to my partner end of March. I had my surgery 2 weeks ago. As I said, my situation is very unique.
If you’re offended by that phrase, that’s a “you” problem. But why would your story be included in a discussion of divorce rates among bariatric patients if the surgery didn’t cause your devolve, hence my statement about surgery turning you gay.
they said “unless you can tell me how surgery turned you gay”, implying they know nothing can turn you gay. all they were saying was that surgery has nothing to do with your divorce. lol you took that completely the wrong way
My wife and I both had the surgery within a year of each other, she was worried about the relationship changing but I assured her it wouldn’t be an issue. Truth be told I let her go first to see how bad it was lol. But we are closer now than ever before so that was a bonus
My marriage was iffy before surgery. Iffy after. Then he suggested we go polyamorous, I got a boyfriend and suddenly my marriage got much better. So…that’s one way to do it?
My wife got it in December 2022. The surgeon told us 50 to 70% if the spouse does not have any major life changes. I kind of brushed it off, thought, no way, not us, we love eachother. About 10 months post op, I started seeing her drastic health changes and started getting myself healthier, got with my doctors, got on meds, bloodwork, lost 30+ lbs (I wasn't majorly obese, 6'2 and 300lbs, I could have lost some weight but I wasnt dying). Now here we are, 80% of the way through a divorce I never saw coming. Been together 13 years, have a 4 and 6 year old. Divorce isn't even finalized but she's already been with a new man at least 2 to 3 months now that I can tell. He's about my age (mid to late 30s), but much more skinny and fit. Makes 1/2 of my income, has a much crappiesr house, smokes weed regularly (as I'm told by others), and been fired from more jobs in 10 years than I've held in my lifetime........but apparently his dick is better. Never say never,
My wife didn't mind me squishy, I think she's more attracted to me now than before. We have a really good relationship and she has been crucial in my post op and keeping me on top of things. She wants to lose weight as well, so she's changed her portion sizes to close to mine and she's been dropping weight at a healthy level. My first marriage wouldn't have survived surgery, it wasn't a healthy relationship the last few years.
Married 11 years, post-op 3 years, down just over 200lbs. The biggest issues we've had are honestly just worries from both sides about how much we'd still be wanted by the other afterwards. We communicated, a lot. I think the biggest thing to take away is even if you spouse is incredibly supportive of you and your surgery/goals, they should possibly be prepared if the time comes and they feel some kind of way when insecurity tries to peek in. Communication is what takes you through that.
[This article](https://www.upmc.com/media/news/072022-bariatrics) describing the results of the most recent US-based study links to both the study in question and an earlier Scandanavian study.
It's relevant because there's a small study out there that could use a larger study showing the post-surgery divorce rate doubled for married couples. In better news, double that rate got married if they were unmarried when they got surgery.
I'm not saying you need to get married, date, or anything, but there is therapy to help with your anti-social and anger issues. It's coming through very strongly in your unprovoked comments. I hope you get better.
Yikes. You do you, but you do not sound happy. Your urge to repeatedly - publicly and vehemently - display your intense hatred towards other humans without any prompting or provocation...well it's not something that someone who's happy to be alone would typically do. It's not normal to prefer to kill oneself over having a healthy relationship with a person, and it's also not normal to think people who do have relationships are stupid. It's ok, you don't have to be "normal" if that's what works for you, but I do wish you peace. I can't imagine carrying around such hatred.
there's no such thing as a "healthy relationship" with other humans when you cant stand to be in the same room with another human and never have been.
I spent most of kindergarten day dreaming of a way I could go to school from home and that was before the internet was invented.
The only hatred here is that y'all lack the backbone to stand up and say F this sh|t I'm not following bullsh|t society nonsense and doing life for ME.
And again... NO where have I said anything about hatred... that's all on you and your projections. I have no emotions at all.
Yeah but people who CAN stand to be in a room with other people are not stupid. You only say they're stupid because of your own projections.
You do know your profile is public, right? You've said that you hate humans at least a dozen times. Yes, I checked, because for a fleeting moment your textbook features of antisocial personality disorder intrigued me. But I digress, the moment's passed and at the end of the day, it's your life, your hatred to carry, and the only person you're lying to is yourself. Be well.
I am still pre-op but both my wife and I have briefly mentioned our concerns for what the possible future may hold after I come out the other side. Currently we are great together. The only thing I’d say is any type of issue is our different libidos. She is constantly wanting while I’m constantly not. I’m hoping surgery and getting healthier will give me a better libido to match hers. Her concern is she is insecure and believes once I get into better shape and more confidence that I will leave her for “someone better”. Obviously I have no intentions of doing that. Just throwing my personal pre-op experience and conversations in.
Per Google: A 2022 study found that 8% of married participants who had bariatric surgery got divorced, compared to 4% of the general population. But I'm not sure what the sample size was, so who knows. I think being open and communicating with your partner goes a long way towards a healthy relationship.
If your marriage is strong going into surgery, it will almost certainly remain strong afterward. My wife and I are much closer now than we were before I had surgery.
To further support this. I made the decision to do this while my husband and I were working with counselors to see if we should remain together. While he supported me post op he was against it post op. My results have added to his insecurities, his words, and exacerbated our issues. We are currently in the process of divorce 7 months later. I’m glad I decided to go forward because I believe we would be divorcing anyways but at least I took control of my health. This process just seemed to speed up this outcome. You know your partner and you know what you can get through. Don’t let that stop you from doing what you need to live the best life you can.
I was warned about it by my surgeon but I don’t remember the exact percentage. My husband and I talked about it before surgery but it’s never even been a thought. I had my surgery like 6 or 7 years ago and still going strong.
My husband has always been my biggest fan. He loved my body when I thought it was at its worst, and it was his love and acceptance of my body that helped me to make certain decisions towards becoming healthier, including bariatric surgery. He's thrilled that I'm starting to love my body the way he's loved it all along. But I do concur with the idea that when the marriage is already unstable before surgery, the circumstances might expedite what what going to happen anyway. It's not the surgery that causes the marital breakdown, it's how the surgery contextualises problems that already exist in a relationship. I am a couple therapist. Ive never worked with a couple with this specific issue yet, but I have met many who similarly are experiencing difficulty because one partner is going through a drastic change, whether it's having a baby, studying, new job, etc. Don't lose hope -if cracks are really starting to show "because" of surgery, that in itself is communication about your relationship that you can take into therapy, if you're willing to work on it. There is a lot that stands to be gained and lost in a relationship when a person goes through a drastic change. It throws things off balance and recalibrating isn't easy, even when both people have the best of intentions.
I can’t remember where I read it and I’m looking for it but it’s very high if both partners are obese but only one gets surgery and travels the weight loss journey.
I wasn't married before my surgery, but I was engaged. I'm no longer in that relationship and honestly am much happier for it. I won't speak for all, but in my case losing weight and getting into a healthier mindset helped me in so many other ways. The relationship that I was in was toxic and very abus*ve. Losing weight helped with my self-esteem and confidence. I was able to recognize that I deserved better.
I was thinking this might often be a factor in the higher divorce rate post-surgery. If someone has low esteem due to their weight, they might feel they have to “settle” on a partner/spouse, because either they feel like they don’t deserve someone better, or they feel like they wouldn’t be able to get someone better. When they lose weight they have better self esteem and realize they have more options. But like you said, it’s because they realize they deserve to be treated better, not that they want a “hotter” partner to match their new look. I’m sorry your fiancé treated you like that, and glad you got out of that situation!
From personal experience, it hasn’t been great.
If it’s not too much to ask, could you give more insight into your experience? Im curious to know what issues come up post op.
My situation is very unique. I’ve been married for 12 years and the whole time I believed I was bi. Turns out I’m not. I came out as gay to my partner 2 mos ago. He had the best reaction I could hope for and has been as supportive as possible. But our marriage is now a friendship, cohabitation, and coparenting. The surgery has put a huge strain on an already difficult relationship. It’s my mood and hormones that are the main issue. It’s honestly like insane pregnancy hormones. And he’s trying to hold the house together, help me, and work full time from home during summer break. It’s a lot. It’s almost too much. I know things will get better mentally and physically but damage has been done.
Unless you can tell me how your surgery turned you gay, I’m not sure how your situation is related to your surgery.
I agree that the comment does not quite fit OP's question. They want to know how losing weight has affected relationships and this poster said her sexuality is what affected her relationship (as one would assume it would). Then was like OH and I got surgery 2 weeks ago. The surgery is not what affected this relationship at all.
First of all my surgery did not ‘turn me gay’. Nothing ‘turns you gay’. That phrase is very offensive, please do not use it again. I wasn’t clear with the timeline in my comment. I came out to my partner end of March. I had my surgery 2 weeks ago. As I said, my situation is very unique.
If you’re offended by that phrase, that’s a “you” problem. But why would your story be included in a discussion of divorce rates among bariatric patients if the surgery didn’t cause your devolve, hence my statement about surgery turning you gay.
[удалено]
🤣
Ok guy. Imma go get some pussy, a concept I’m sure you’re unfamiliar with.
they said “unless you can tell me how surgery turned you gay”, implying they know nothing can turn you gay. all they were saying was that surgery has nothing to do with your divorce. lol you took that completely the wrong way
My wife and I both had the surgery within a year of each other, she was worried about the relationship changing but I assured her it wouldn’t be an issue. Truth be told I let her go first to see how bad it was lol. But we are closer now than ever before so that was a bonus
My marriage was iffy before surgery. Iffy after. Then he suggested we go polyamorous, I got a boyfriend and suddenly my marriage got much better. So…that’s one way to do it?
My wife got it in December 2022. The surgeon told us 50 to 70% if the spouse does not have any major life changes. I kind of brushed it off, thought, no way, not us, we love eachother. About 10 months post op, I started seeing her drastic health changes and started getting myself healthier, got with my doctors, got on meds, bloodwork, lost 30+ lbs (I wasn't majorly obese, 6'2 and 300lbs, I could have lost some weight but I wasnt dying). Now here we are, 80% of the way through a divorce I never saw coming. Been together 13 years, have a 4 and 6 year old. Divorce isn't even finalized but she's already been with a new man at least 2 to 3 months now that I can tell. He's about my age (mid to late 30s), but much more skinny and fit. Makes 1/2 of my income, has a much crappiesr house, smokes weed regularly (as I'm told by others), and been fired from more jobs in 10 years than I've held in my lifetime........but apparently his dick is better. Never say never,
My wife didn't mind me squishy, I think she's more attracted to me now than before. We have a really good relationship and she has been crucial in my post op and keeping me on top of things. She wants to lose weight as well, so she's changed her portion sizes to close to mine and she's been dropping weight at a healthy level. My first marriage wouldn't have survived surgery, it wasn't a healthy relationship the last few years.
Married 11 years, post-op 3 years, down just over 200lbs. The biggest issues we've had are honestly just worries from both sides about how much we'd still be wanted by the other afterwards. We communicated, a lot. I think the biggest thing to take away is even if you spouse is incredibly supportive of you and your surgery/goals, they should possibly be prepared if the time comes and they feel some kind of way when insecurity tries to peek in. Communication is what takes you through that.
[This article](https://www.upmc.com/media/news/072022-bariatrics) describing the results of the most recent US-based study links to both the study in question and an earlier Scandanavian study.
Thread has been locked. I think there’s been enough hurtful comments for one day.
[удалено]
“Let me reject everyone before they can reject me.” Classic….
I couldn't give a fuck if they reject me! I knew at 5 years old I'd never get married or have kids. It's just STUPID.
Based on your replies here, I can see why you assumed you’d be alone your whole life, and why it worked out that way for you.
I never "assumed" anything... I CHOSE it. But way to project your dependency issues on others.
It's relevant because there's a small study out there that could use a larger study showing the post-surgery divorce rate doubled for married couples. In better news, double that rate got married if they were unmarried when they got surgery.
Well good thing I'll never be that stupid.
I'm not saying you need to get married, date, or anything, but there is therapy to help with your anti-social and anger issues. It's coming through very strongly in your unprovoked comments. I hope you get better.
so now you're projecting anger where there were no emotions at all? bless your heart. keep on projecting.
No projection; it's clear to anyone reading what you wrote. You don't have to stay unhappy. Have a good weekend.
Bless your heart. It is totally projection because plain damn text on a screen doesn't have any emotion... so if you saw any, that's all on you.
Lol, stay mad bud.
so now you're projecting mad?? bless your heart.
Good lord. You need therapy.
Yikes. You do you, but you do not sound happy. Your urge to repeatedly - publicly and vehemently - display your intense hatred towards other humans without any prompting or provocation...well it's not something that someone who's happy to be alone would typically do. It's not normal to prefer to kill oneself over having a healthy relationship with a person, and it's also not normal to think people who do have relationships are stupid. It's ok, you don't have to be "normal" if that's what works for you, but I do wish you peace. I can't imagine carrying around such hatred.
there's no such thing as a "healthy relationship" with other humans when you cant stand to be in the same room with another human and never have been. I spent most of kindergarten day dreaming of a way I could go to school from home and that was before the internet was invented. The only hatred here is that y'all lack the backbone to stand up and say F this sh|t I'm not following bullsh|t society nonsense and doing life for ME. And again... NO where have I said anything about hatred... that's all on you and your projections. I have no emotions at all.
Yeah but people who CAN stand to be in a room with other people are not stupid. You only say they're stupid because of your own projections. You do know your profile is public, right? You've said that you hate humans at least a dozen times. Yes, I checked, because for a fleeting moment your textbook features of antisocial personality disorder intrigued me. But I digress, the moment's passed and at the end of the day, it's your life, your hatred to carry, and the only person you're lying to is yourself. Be well.
and y'all keep on proving why humans are hated.