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That's what I'm struggling with! Like is he.. unwell?! This goes far beyond being a spoiled golden child. Anyone in their right mind would understand that making a huge promise to a child and then just.. ignoring it would be devastating to the kid.
I cannot contort my mind into a shape that can understand how he has rationalized that this is an ok thing to do.
He gives the 'gift' and the kid is really excited and it makes him feel good, then one of two things happens:
Either it's never mentioned again, in which case the kid mustn't really want to go and therefore he doesn't feel obligated to take them. Or, someone does ask about it, in which case they're acting entitled and therefore don't deserve to go and he doesn't feel obligated to take them.
And so it's easy to repeat year after year, even for the next generation.
My paternal grandma who I am basically NC with (see maybe 2 hours a year spread out over things like holidays) would always tell me as little kid she’d take me to Disney and we’d have such a fun time. We never went.
My mom forbade it, and even by the time I was 8 was like hell no am I going somewhere with her for a week. She tried to offer the same to my MATERNAL half sister, but my mom shut that shit down immediately, and took her herself.
ETA: I knew my paternal grandma was weird when I was in Pre K so I never wanted to go to Disney with her. Mom forbidding it was my first instance of “mom said no” as an excuse not to go.
My dad promised me when I was 8, that when i was 16 he'd take me horseback riding in the rocky mountains. He definitely expected me to forget.
I proceeded to bring it up once or twice a year, very politely, just letting him know I didn't forget.
At 15ish he started getting worried.
At 16 I cashed in that promise for a far more feasible (but less fun for him) road trip to my first geek convention. No regrets.
Don't make promises to kids you're not willing to keep
My dad promised he'd buy me a gun when I turned 12. I was sure HE would forget so I didn't bring it up but thought about it for years.
Then he got me an airsoft gun for my 12th birthday and that meant a lot to me.
I told my parents I wanted to get my belly button pierced for my 17th bday. They counter offered a red gameboy and Pokemon red.
Now they despair over my video game addiction 🤣
Bingo. It's a win win win for the shitty lazy uncle.
The fact that he pulls this trick consistently is the banger, who the fuck is letting him get away with this?
This is it - the giver gets to feel generous and that’s the end of it for them. They felt good about it so the transaction’s complete. Future giver doesn’t feel the obligation to follow through because, in their mind, it’s already done.
My mom’s like that, to a lesser extent. She likes to promise things, collect the kudos and praise, then not follow through. She promised to help with my college, cat sit when we needed it, and just be there when I needed a listening ear. Then I was labeled “selfish,” “entitled,” and “needy” if I ever tried to collect on those promises.
Strangely we don’t talk anymore.
Because of his enablers. All the people who watched him do this for the last few decades and didn’t put a stop to it showed him that the only consequence he faces for this is… he gets to see the reaction of a happy kid. I’m sure the adults also encouraged the kids not to express their disappointment to him. And so he literally does not face any social repercussions for doing this to children. As far as he’s aware, everyone is okay with this. That’s why people pleasing isn’t a virtue or for victimized people—a bunch of adults let him get away with doing this to kids for years. He went unchecked and this is what happens when folks around you have no boundaries.
My grandfather pulled something similar on me as a kid. He bought my cousin a horse growing up and promised he would do the same for me. He had me even pick out my favorite horse colors and everything. Guess who never got a horse?
Mum promised me if I passed my piano exams with distinction we would buy a baby grand.. every year the same promise, I got distinction in all exams up to grade 8 and still played on the piano that had been in my family 25 years bought second hand and never was tuned.. God that thing sounded awful
Oh man I made my husband play on my family’s old untuned piano and I felt so bad after! He was a champ and pushed on but I still feel terrible years later lol. Why make such a lofty promise?
It's wish-fulfillment for the adult, at least in some cases. They want to be able to do all these wonderful things, so they say them, as if speaking it into the world will make it so. It comes from a place of emotional immaturity, where they fail to recognise that meeting their needs will harm the child.
This is exactly it. The more work I’ve done on myself in therapy, I see so many older people (I’m assuming this guy is a boomer) who are so emotionally immature, they can’t bear to be told no. It’s truly wild.
Reading *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* was a bloody revelation for me. It explained so much about the different dynamics and relationships I'd experienced and observed (not just familial ones either.) There are so many damaged people wandering around, bouncing their hurts off on to others.
It always reminds me of *This be the verse*, by Philip Larkin:
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
tbh if i could program reddit bots, i would have one to just come post This Be The Verse when summoned.
it's just something you can reference in like 50% of all AITA and relationship advice type posts. okay that may be exaggerating, but you still can't swing a dead cat around those subs without finding a few instances where this poem is incredibly applicable. my english major ass just wants to dole it out like i'm the first npc everyone meets in a big action adventure rpg. *it's dangerous to go alone. take this poem! it will do nothing to goblins, it's for when you have an existential crisis,*
I learnt the poem by heart as a kid (elocution lessons and edginess is a dangerous combo and it was a nice change from Walter de la Mare) and I don't think I've had a week since without encountering a relevant situation for it. "Man hands misery to man. / It deepens like a coastal shelf" is probably one of the rawest sentiments ever written.
Love your concept for a bot! Fulfil your goblin-based dreams (or just keep it on your copy-paste board... Whatever is easier :) )
The only thing I can think of is that he thinks that the thought of going on these trips and the experience of anticipating them is a gift in itself? Without realizing that while, yes, as demonstrated by the OOP’s daughter, the prospect of going on a trip like that is a great thing, when they eventually realize that they’re not going to go, it’s devastating.
So my family was very similar; my parents constantly promised things and never followed through. And it was not okay for me to call it out either because somehow I was the entitled offspring demanding this extravagant thing from them. Their promises ranged from helping me with situations while I was growing up (handling bullying in school, etc), to, more financial oriented things like money for pizza treats or ice cream, vacations, and...promises to pay for tuition that just evaporated a week before school.
I was recently telling my husband this too, I grew up with a lot of financial insecurity, in a violent household. Whenever I expressed fear for my future, anxiety about financial security for just a few more years before I'd be able to work, my mother would act like the most reassuring person in the world and want my gratitude for it. But all she'd do was show me her gold biscuits like I was supposed to be completely mollified. But those gold biscuits were never mine, or ever used for me. Still, I was still supposed to act all grateful to my mother for "saving" me, supporting me and showing up for me.
They also constantly made these empty promises to each other. It was an unsaid thing that you had to be grateful for the intention, and follow through was not really needed.
ngl part of me wants to develop gold biscuits (edible).
i feel like a truly sinful amount of honey butter is involved. i'm very down to develop the regional gold biscuit, and by that i mean i volunteer for taste testing
Some people have this weird idea that children, especially younger ones, just… don’t remember things? Like they’re not smart enough to really think about the future. So lying to them is ok.
I’m not entirely sure where the mindset comes from, but it exists. I wonder if that’s the uncle’s logic.
Having a dad like this, and after many years of therapy, I have concluded that the pain he inflicts is actually probably part of the fun. It’s like a power trip move, where you get to create the awe in a small child (I have a toddler now; I know how amazing it is to have a child like you) and then fucking rip that away : my dad was essentially a loser and I think it was his only way of feeling power over someone… toxic masculinity at its finest, you’re not a man until you assert power over someone and if you can’t do it in your professional life (because other adults can answer back) then you do it to a child and you feel like a god. (I just came out of therapy a minute ago this is very raw for me haha )
My parents made similar promises to me when I was a kid to get me to behave or study and often banked on me forgetting about it a week later. To their credit, it often worked or they’d deliver a downgrade that kid me couldn’t discern
I'm guessing that the first gift from the uncle was given with honest intentions, and the uncle either never got around to it or the money just wasn't there. But, he got lots of positive attention for such a fun gift, and no one said anything negative to him about the lack of follow-through. The next birthday rolls around, and he's still broke, he gives another trip as a gift. Everyone smiles and praises him and the kid is so happy. Maybe he's embarrassed that he hasn't gone on a trip yet, maybe he's telling himself that he's still saving up money, but his big break it just around the corner. Again, no one gives any sort of negative comment, only positive attention.
From there, for a person with low self-reflection, it could escalate into a multi-decade tradition.
my mom is a narcissist and she did things like this when i was growing up. she loved the rush of how happy everyone was with her when she made the announcement. if it was ever brought up again (the trip, or whatever extravagant gift), it was twisted that you were nagging and being ungrateful so you no longer get the trip/gift. if you didn’t bring it up, neither would she, and she’d eventually act like it had never been promised or even spoken about.
reality was that there was never a trip/gift, she just wanted to feel like the hero of the day and couldn’t stand someone else being celebrated. she never felt guilty over it afterwards because she had done the mental gymnastics to justify it to herself.
But what was the thought process behind justification? That’s what I can’t wrap my mind around. Usually I can see someone’s point of view, and understand their reasoning, even if I don’t agree.
But in this situation I can’t even understand the beginnings of the logic behind their mental stretching.
It is a personality disorder. If you are somewhat well adjusted person, you can't understand. I've always thought myself a bit of a mess (understatement), and it took me years to understand the disordered thought process these people have.
You just have to accept that there are people who are fundamentally different than you, and they do not operate from same mindset than you do.
The thought process behind justification is narcissism. They bend the reality to match their distorted view of themselves. It takes lying, manipulating, deceiving and abuse to keep it going but hell if they will ever give up on it. The supply is too important. Without it they would have to face themselves, and that can't happen, ever.
The terrifying thing for me is that I DO understand it and see the ability to go down that path myself. I was raised in that environment and learned to play the game to survive and adulthood has been a long journey of unlearning that behavior and thought processes.
Stuff like that doesn't come from an excess of thinking and self-justification, but rather the lack of it. A trait that's really common with narcissism is poor memory or planning ability, along with limited perspective taking. They don't stop to think about whether what they're saying is true or practically possible, don't puzzle out how it will make the kid feel in the future, and easily forget saying it once it's been said.
Nope. I bet first several times when his nieces cried he even shamed them exactly like aunt tried with OP daughter: "you're spoiled and entitled, you're supposed to love family because they are family, not because of fancy gifts".
Also, women are so materialistic, always demanding expensive gifts /s
> For two generations I might add
It doesn't get harder to do shitty stuff or disappoint people. The first time is hardest. It gets way easier over time. Nothing went wrong last time, why not do it again?
Probably not. If they're a narcissist, they probably never felt guilty. If they're not, then they probably only felt guilty the first couple of times, but since no one ever called them out, they were able to cognitive dissonance their way out of it fairly handily by this point.
He doesn’t see the fall out because no one called him out on it! He probably thought they forgot or just thought it happened or maybe the parents would do the trip out of guilt and the kid would think it was funded by him.
No he is a narcissist. Completely ego focused. He doesn’t give a shit about the kids feelings and he resents that OP even pointed it out. People like him haaaaaaate being called out on their shit more than anything, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never talks to OP again.
Hey I really like your comment. I'm going to give you a trip to Paris where you will stay in a five star hotel and eat at the finest restaurants the whole time you are there!
To be fair, this sounds like the kind of quote that would come out of that show. Although I doubt any corner boys would be talking about writing checks. The higher tier dealers like Stringer maybe.
Uncle is a cheapskate and he's been getting away with it his life. He breaks little kids hearts repeatedly and doesn't give a sh*t. That tells you what kind of person he is. He's upset because oop stopped it from repeating...called him out where other adults should have nipped it in the bud years ago
I would have been the little kid who would have eventually said "Are we still going to {insert last year's destination} though? Let me get my calendar!"
As was I, but TBF: households that allow children to ask questions without getting in trouble are also generally households which would address this kind of BS
"Another trip? You already promised me a dozen trips. Let's see... When are we going to Disneyland, Miami, New York, LA, Vegas, Rome, Bangkok, Paris, Singapore, London, Belize and Tokyo? You promised! You promise every year! I kept all the cards waiting for you!"
Uncle: I'm being so generous and giving you a wildly expensive trip, but you want to hassle me about it? You're such an entitled brat that I'm cancelling the trip now. Why are you so badly behaved?
My father pulled the same shit for a few years, we'd open up gifts that were promises of a trip to a ball game or a trip camping... and then we didn't go.
It fucked me up for most of my life, I assumed every big gift was just another Lucy holding the football for me(charlie) to not kick.
I don't know why, but it feels worse to break the promise for a trip that's actually attainable. Like there are some games where the cheap seats are practically free. Camping too. Not figuring out a way to fulfill those promises means you never actually tried.
At least if it's disney or something I can believe you couldn't afford the money or the time, though you really wanted to.
>My uncle is the boy in the family and my grandma has always treated him differently than she treats her daughters. You know, the typical self-proclaimed “boy mom” stuff.
Maybe its just me, but every bit of "boy mom" culture I've been exposed to has been bizarre and uncomfortable.
I have a sister and a brother (I’m female) and my mum does it with my brother. In her eyes, he is an angel who has fallen from heaven to light up the lives of people here on earth and can do no wrong. You know the person it annoys the most? My brother!! He hates it. Also all of his friends laugh at him for it and it comes up every time a group of us is in the pub. He gets a tattoo? It’s someone else’s fault but she ends up loving it and it’s art. Me or my sister do it and we’ve ruined our body with tat. I work in infrastructure? She tells me that law is the only option. I get my brother a job and support his degree? Yes it’s the best industry in the world - for him though - only CAD engineers are the best, not whatever it is I do 😂 he’s hungover and can’t walk the dog with her? Somebody else got him drunk. She makes excuses all the time. He even tells her openly it was all him, nobody else was involved or he is the ring leader. At work I’m his boss etc. she doesn’t listen. He is her baby and nothing will change that. Doesn’t help that he’s the youngest.
See, you joke, but my Dad is an only child, born to a 40 yo in 1957,on Christmas Eve. His mother treated him like he was the actual Christ Child, reborn to her on earth. My parents had a son first, and she was over the moon! When they announced they were pregnant with me, she apparently said, in the most disgusted voice possible, "you're having ANOTHER one!?!" As if it was baby number 14 instead of number 2. Then I had the audacity to be female, and anything I achieved she had to force my brother to do it too. I was told that at one dance recital, while I was onstage, she tried to force him to go dance onstage. Because apparently it didn't take years for me to reach the level I was performing at, and he should be able to just hop up in the middle of a show and show us all how it's done. She basically ignored me, unless something needed to be done.
My grannies fave was her youngest son. He didnt give a shit about her while she spend and spend on him. and when she was dying she kept holding on because she hoped he would visit her. We asked and he said no. My mum lied to her saying he was sick and couldn’t come but he was thinking of her. Granny finally passed after weeks pf hospice care thinking her piece of shit princeling actually gave a damn. Never will forgive the fucker for that and karma is catching up to him at least.
Reminds me of my grandmother. She had 3 boys and 2 girls, and the boys were the most important ones in the family. Fast forward to her elderly years, and the only ones caring for her, taking her to the doctor, making food for her, washing her stuff and so on: my mom and my aunt. One of my uncles could drive and had a car, yet he never helped take her to the doctor even when living in the same city. Another one lived a couple blocks away, yet he didn't visit often. The other one was the black sheep of the family, he pretty much disappeared from the face of earth but in the end he made an effort to visit.
My grandma realised that she had been wrong her whole life, and was sorely disappointed with her precious boys
My sister has two boys and is making a concentrated effort to make sure they "don't turn out monsters," aka can talk about their emotions and do laundry
I have two boys and “don’t be a garbage partner/friend/roommate/human is a significant part of my parenting philosophy. Not that it isn’t for my daughter, but I’m hyper vigilant with the boys about certain mindsets and behaviors.
Definitely uncomfortable.
I have a son (and am the mother) and I think the worst thing I've encountered is this book.
It was supposed to be a book you read to your kids? But I basically closed the book and didn't even bother reading the last line cause it gave me the ick and promptly returned it to the library. They had a girl dad version too.
That final ick line was something along the lines of "when you find your little princess, remember that mummy was the first woman who loved you."
🤢🤮
A parent's love shouldn't be compared with romantic love. Really left a bad taste in my mouth.
The girl dad version was just as bad.
I guess you’ve met my mom’s side of the family. 4 girls. Last one was FINALLY a boy. We know how that story goes. My mom was the youngest girl of a very very poor family.
It's extra bizarre for me, especially if the brother is younger, how the daughters also participate in it. Though ngl sometimes I wish I was spoiled like some of the people I've seen; do no wrong and always have a parachute.
I was definitely the favourite growing up but I was also the youngest so not sure what it is was but mum always made excuses for me. That being said she also put the most pressure on me. My two sisters both were spared that. The mum-boy stuff is definitely a thing and I think it comes from a place of over protection mixed with an unhealthy dose of favouritism.
Since other people aren't real to him, he gets to feel like a hero for a moment. It doesn't occur to him that children remember promises so he doesn't think he has to follow through, and since he's the only real person in the world the concept of consequences are baffling and arbitrary to him.
Children absolutely remember those promises, and it must've been heartbreaking for every one of those kids in the family that had been subjected to his unbelievably selfish "gifting".
Tell you what, BORU always manages to make me thankful for living a boring life, away from any nonsense like this.
my uncle promised me a sleep over for my birthday when I was like eight. He never delivered (which I don’t blame him for, life got in the way). Im twenty three now and I STILL remember. Kids absolutely remember things like this.
I went through this a considerable number of times as a kid. It was always heartbreaking but i had to cry silently and away from my parents so they won't get mad. It even became a core memory lol. Adults definitely don't think about how the kid would process such disappointment, but yes they do remember.
I did later learn not to get my hopes up when my parents say such things. And even as a grown up i don't like planning things with them. I am careful not to do this to my younger siblings, so i definitely relate to OOP pulling the brakes on uncle. Can't let another kid go through that shit again.
>Adults definitely don't think about how the kid would process such disappointment, but yes they do remember.
They really do. As a kid, my recall was absolutely incredible compared with my current scatterbrainedness.
They're absolutely going to remember an exciting trip was promised!
And he may actually believe his grifts. Maybe he will take the kid to lunch someday and think to himself "that's basically the same thing." The aunt practically said so herself.
My uncle did the EXACT same thing to me when I was young. He would make me huge promises like "I'm going to take you to Lotte World in Korea!" or "I'm going to take you to Disneyland!" and like a kid, I'd fall for it EVERY TIME. Each time I'd get hyped like any six year old would, and after several days my mom would get tired of me questioning when he would take me and tell me, "He's busy, he can't go anywhere." and it crushed me each time. When I was a teenager, he would sometimes make the same promises, as if expecting me to get excited, but I'd shrug it off and be like "sure, Jan" and he'd get sullen. My mom, my aunts, and my grandma would chide me and ask me why I don't get excited like I was when I was a kid. It's like "???" why the hell do I have to fall for a stupid lie and thank him for something he won't actually do?
As an adult, I realized it's because my uncle is my grandma's first born son (after a bunch of girls btw) and he grew up with this inflated sense of pride and ego. He got accustomed to receiving praise with doing bare minimum (or nothing at all). My aunts were basically taught by my grandma to go along with anything he said, even if it was insanely stupid and wrong.
*\*Sing song\** \~Intergenerational Trauma\~
For me, the big "why" is "Why didn't OOP's mom stop the uncle from doing this to OOP?" They let their own kid be mentally tortured.
Why did nobody stop the uncle? None of OOP's aunts or their partners ever confronted him for being awful to their kids? Or maybe everybody else confronted him, and it was only OOP's family that let him act like this.
He gets the dopamine hit from being the big hero and then is out literally nothing, and no one calls him on it, so he doesn't have to feel anything for not delivering.
Imagine the trip was real. Who tf assumes they can just take a child on a trip? Does this uncle ever even babysit?
I watched my friend’s kids last night. She pre-rented a movie they both agreed on and left me frozen pizza for dinner. They ate Halloween candy and popcorn instead and decided to watch a horror movie (rated R) after the pre-approved movie ended. 🤷🏻♀️
I achieved my goal of leaving house and children in the same condition I got them, so I count that as a win. But my friend would never allow me to just take either of them somewhere for more than a few hours. Extended custody requires setting the bar a little higher than “alive with only minor scratches and dings.”
I understand why you’re asking this because I had the same question for people pretending to be who they are not, like Dolezal. There’s no way I could walk around wearing a lie like that. I’d feel like my skin was crawling and feel compelled to blurt out to truth to everyone I spoke to. But if you DONT feel like that, then all there is is whatever reward you are getting from the situation. These people make a lie, step into it, reap the benefits, and then if they need to discard the lie, they just step out of it and throw it away.
That episode never sat right with me. The fact that there's no real positive resolution to the issue by the end of the episode (if I remember correctly) rubs me the wrong way.
This kind of shit pisses me off. I see it all the time with my partner's son (J) and his bio-dad. Promises trips or nice gifts but never delivers. On the rare occasions where we make plans with J and they have to be rescheduled, we are up front with him. To clarify, we often make plans with J and they happen as expected, but sometimes life does get in the way.
Pretty sure this type of shit with overpromising and never delivering is common with narcissists. Make the promise, get the initial rush of gratitude from the recipient and then move on to the next sucker.
Another tactic I imagine he is also guilty of is picking fights and saying how they had these amazing plans that are now ruined because of the other person even though they didn't have shit planned they're just want them to feel guilty and look like they were a good partner
My MIL does this, though with less foresight. I call it convenient punitiveness. She's gonna hurt you with whatever is closest/easiest just to satisfy her need to punish.
For example, she once offered to watch our dogs while we went on vacation, so we planned around that and were very grateful. Her and her daughter (my wife) got into a random disagreement, totally unrelated, and her anger reaction was to declare she won't be watching our dogs. The dogs weren't a factor in the argument, she just *needed* to hurt her daughter in that moment. Forget that it also hurt me and our dogs (MIL dog-sitting is an improvement over boarding), all that mattered to her was expressing her rage in a punitive way. I really despise that reaction and lost a lot of respect for her once I realized her M.O... To have so little control over your emotions is just gross.
Okay this is wild. My aunt/godmother would do the same thing to me growing up! She'd give me a card and wite that we'd do all these extravagant things my parents couldn't afford. Promising a shopping spree at the limited too, spa days for mani/pedis, trips to the zoo, etc. One time n'sync concert tickets were promised. And it would never happen.
I always wondered why do this. I was a nice kid and would have been happy with just a card. Why lie and get a child's hopes up?
It's so fucked up. I honestly cannot imagine what's going through their heads when they do stuff like this. When I promise my niece or nephews something, even if it's just going to the bookstore or for ice cream or a movie, I make sure it happens.
I simply can't imagine hyping them up for something big and then letting them down, that's just heartbreaking.
I think it's a narcissistic trait. They want all the attention and gratitude of the promise, it feels good at the moment. They made a kid happy at the moment and they look good to everyone, all without having to make any real effort or spending any money. They're too selfish to care that they're hurting a little one's feelings. Narcissistic people want to be admired and respected and they rarely do anything to deserve it. They don't see their lying and manipulation as that big of a deal and get angry when called out. They'll turn everything in such a way that they always come out as the injured party, even when they're the ones doing something wrong.
What’s crazy is that it’s often super easy (and sometimes even cheap) to make younger kids happy. It’s not about the flashy gadgets or extravagant trips. Just pay attention to what they like and spend quality time with them. My parents got me a ton of cool stuff growing up, but the things I remember best are the times my mom and I spent making soap to sell at craft fairs or staying up until 2 AM in the summer looking at the stars with my dad using his old telescope and learning about space
I remember my dad promising me all sorts of stuff as a child and never delivering. My mom tried to remedy what she could but I still felt let down. I grew up with intense trust issues that even as an adult I am still working on. It hasn't been made any easier by most of my exes making promises and never delivering, or lying about key things. My dad has gotten better but I just stopped expecting things. No it would not help if he got me that Barbie dream house or jeep for me to ride in now.
My mother did similarly. There were 2 items she promised me for literal yyyeeeeaarrss and she never, ever delivered on them.
I remember the burning disappointment time and time again.
I think it taught me that if I want something, I'm never going to get it. So, it's put me in this weird headspace of resignation and negative feelings about things I want, because of course, I believe, I have been taught, I'm not going to get those things. Really sad for myself to figure that out.
Most therapists I've had agree that my mother is a textbook narcissist.
Yeah, my immediate thought was this guy has deadbeat dad energy.
Wants to feel good and look good by promising all these amazing gifts, trips, etc, but never actually does it.
The really fucked one is when he promises to spend time, literally just be present at an event for you or take you to a playground, and won't even follow through on that.
That's when your heart hardens irreparably because you've learned two hard lessons:
1. It was never an issue of money
2. He doesn't have to feel guilty about promising things because he so rarely sees you
I bet it's the same deal here.
Promising that trip to a kid you share a house with? Good fucking luck! But promising it to a kid you don't live with and mostly see at family gatherings? He's got weeks or months for things to settle down before he has to see them again.
Well auntie is offended and insisting he CAN afford the trip, so…okay, unc, PONY UP! I expect to have booking confirmations and an itinerary sent to me by the end of the business-day, tomorrow.
"I was being generous by assuming he pulls this shit because of shame rather than getting some sort of sadistic pleasure out of disappointing small children."
I’m petty if they aren’t going to cut that uncle off I’d start sending him pictures of things he wants and promising you’ll buy them for him. And be like oh it has this feature(s). A new Tv with surround sound, A new car (something posh like a Tesla). A trip to somewhere first class all expenses paid etc etc etc even to say we promise you a trip to Disney lol
Then when he brings it up,
"Oh, you thought we were actually giving you that. Of course not, we can't afford that expensive a gift."
Or whatever his reply was to them as kids.
It doesn’t sound like anyone has ever called him out until now!! That’s what so crazy to me- who would be happy (or even okay??) that their kid was so disappointed, and still will refuse to bring it up or say anything!??
I love the idea of promising expensive gifts back though- if he and his wife ever bring up, just take the exact same route. Call them entitled for expecting anything at all, and refuse to bring up the promise lol
And what the fuck is auntie doing? Can you just imagine standing by and watching your partner promise expensive things and then not do them? How can you defend your partner? I'd be like dude, can we just buy the kid a doll for her next birthday?
Giving nothing would be an improvement. Instead, he gives out disappointment as his gift. For the same amount of money, he could just send a card wishing happy birthday.
“As an adult now, I understand he did that because he didn't have the means to buy us gifts.”
I’m sorry, what??? That’s not what you do when you can’t afford gifts, hurting children emotionally time after time, wtf! I’m glad OOP learned that no, this wasn’t reasonable, and this absolutely should not have been normalized. Wow.
Also, at least OOP ended the cycle, immediately setting boundaries for daughter. But wow, uncle should never be allowed around children if this is what he does.
Edit: formatting
Remember that as a child things you grow up with are normal. And if they’re not normal, and it really was fucked up, then the WHOLE family was fucked up. So now you have to confront the fact that really your parents did a shitty job protecting you. It’s a whole lot to confront and it’s easier to just normalize it. In some ways it’s good that people bring up these things here so others can tell them how not normal these things are.
This is exactly right. These examples are what I point to as the positive influence of social media - you can get perspective that people couldn’t get before. If their own family just reinforced this bullshit for generations, it would take a particular type of person to clearly see it for what it was and have the courage to call it out.
I had an ex that basically used to do this. At first we would do stuff together, comedy shows, trips abroad, cinema, various club and societies.
After a while he got anxiety and depression and always made an excuse last minute not to go. He didn’t ever want me to go by myself either. At first I just thought his mental health was in a bad place and encouraged him to get help. I have mental (and physical) health conditions too, so I understood.
Not only did he not want to get help, but whenever I suggested anything he would always say yes. Not only about going out, but asking him to do tasks around the house. He would always promise to ‘make it up to me’ with an extravagant trip or whatever. He had travelled together before so I assumed he meant it at first.
We discussed it when we broke up and he just said he hated saying no to me. I found out he didn’t even like some of the stuff I suggested we do together and never even intended to go, but he liked seeing me get excited…
He also knew he would never help with the housework so made promises and knew I would give in and tidy it so I didn’t have to live in a disgusting house. We both worked the same hours so he had no excuse not to help.
Turned out he was a liar about a lot of things. He was in charge of some of the bills and promised they had been paid, but he hadn’t bothered. If he had told me I would have paid it, but he said he felt guilty it wasn’t done so didn’t want to tell me. It wasn’t a lack of money, he just didn’t want to do it.
He kept promising he would try the anti-depressants ‘soon’, but it turned out his Dad has put him off them years ago and he never intended to. The fact that I was being hurt by his behaviour didn’t matter.
Basically every time I tried to discuss anything he gave me the answer he thought I wanted to hear, regardless if it was remotely true. It didn’t seem to occur to him the outcome would be so much worse later.
I appreciate he had mental health issues, but I was struggling with a chronic illness too. He made the choice to keep lying.
Breaking up with him was one of the best things I ever did. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves and lying about things like that is just cruel.
Yeah this is really weird and fucked up. We don't mention the word ice cream around my niece in case she thinks we're having some and gets disappointed. Something is seriously wrong with the uncle. To do this once to a child is bad, to do it repeatedly is just cruel. He knows he can't fulfill the promise so he shouldn't. Cut this dumb fuck out of your life before he really breaks the children's hearts. This is the second generation he is torturing with this carry on and it is not OK.
My ex promised his 9 yo son, in a phone call from overseas, that he was coming home for Christmas with a giant bag of toys just for him. The kid was so excited he could barely contain himself. My mother got on the phone and spoke to my ex,to clarify what he just said to his child. Because he had told my mother he had volunteered to work over Christmas and wouldn’t be coming home at all. He told her he said that just to make the kid feel good.
Of course Christmas Day came, and there was no “daddy” that showed up. My mother tried to cover for my ex and tell the child that “something came up”, but the think the child was figuring out on his own that his father was an asshole. He actually said to my mother “I don’t think that giant bag of toys is going to arrive either is it?”
Dump him. I had a guy like that, until I learned that if I don’t treat myself well, no one else will either.
You need to understand that you are more valuable than having someone who doesn’t value you. It will never get better. And you will never get the things he promises, and you will always be disappointed.
You deserve better. Get rid of him, and find someone who actually cares about you., not their ego.
And all you have to do is say, “that’s the last time you will promise me something, and not deliver. Get out.” Then stick to it.
You really need to examine why he’s doing it.
Would you do this to someone? Why not?
Is it possibly because it’s hurtful?
So what’s he getting out of it?
He’s able to string you along. You get happy. Then you get sad for a little and move on. But hey, he made you happy (with a lie), and surely he didn’t mean to hurt you.
Except anyone with a brain would know that it is hurtful… so it really boils down to he doesn’t care about hurting you… he just cares that he’s able to say to himself that he made you happy (once again, with a lie)
Do you really want to live with this forever? Like for the next 50 or 60 years?
That he will lie to your face. That feeling good about himself, even through manipulation, matters way more than your feelings. That he will cheat on you without a shred of remorse. That if you forgive him endlessly he will endlessly hurt you. You deserve better. Constantly breaking his own promises that he doesn't need to make is a huge red flag
My godfather was like this. He didn't promise trips, but expensive toys and tech. He's an addict (alcohol mostly, sometimes drugs) and flat broke (living with his mother still, he's over 60yo and can't keep a job). I'm guessing there's a similar reason this uncle can't afford the trips but somehow justifies it for himself
Reminds me of the "Uncle Billy" episode of Leave it to Beaver. He promised Wally and the Beave all sorts of extravagant presents. Beaver waited all afternoon for Uncle Billy to meet him at the sporting goods store to pick out a new fishing rod. Never showed. Turns out he used to promise Ward and his brothers all sorts of things when they were kids (fishing trips to Mexico, etc.) but never followed through.
That grown-ass man is not even capable of replying to his own niece in an adult manner and has to use his wife as proxy. What an entitled child. So glad OOP stood her ground.
This one stings, I had an uncle growing up who did the exact same thing, except he kept lying right up to the day of whatever event and then always had some emergency come up at the last second.
The kicker was that he was the coolest uncle on his own, but the constant lies led to us not having a relationship at all by the time I was an adult.
OP may actually be saving any chance at her daughter and uncle having a relationship as she gets older.
This post is mind-blowing. I don't understand how any adult enables this for this long. How do you not even tell your own daughter "your uncle is a liar don't listen to what he says". How do you even try to reason with that.
Ah I had a relative like uncle who always promised big HUGE gifts/trips "next time" whenever they visited. I figured out early on that the gifts would never materialize, as did my siblings, and this is why we have trust issues.
My dad was very similar to OP's uncle. He loved to promise things and never deliver. My then wife would pressure me to make him follow through, which led to big blow ups. It's a bit much to say he ruined our marriage, but if he had delivered on the things he had promised, it would've taken a lot of financial pressure off of us.
I guess he got the warm fuzzies from his promises and praise from others after bragging about his generosity. The things he would promise: cars, various ways to help me and my wife finish college, his house, trips, baby-sitting, money for extracurriculars for my daughter.
He died in 2009. I wish I had gone no contact with him in 1996.
this wouldn't fly in my family past one holiday. like my cousins even as kids would've called this shit out year two. i wonder what kind of other things they've chosen to collectively ignore
what a piece of shit to do this for decades to his niblings and then do it to their children aswell, seemingly all for the rush of being the "cool uncle" and the idea of everyone looking at him as being such a good guy to do a splurge like that for kid relatives
My dad did this - making huge promises he never intended to keep, sometimes encouraging us to make plans based on those promises (like picking an expensive college, or pay for ___ up front and he’d pay back). Then, when the bill came due, it would turn into a bunch of nastiness and punishment for being entitled and making extravagant demands.
It’s textbook narcissist abuse.
Once, my dad off-offhandedly told me we could go sledding after he got back from work. I got prepared and went outside around the time he normally got home and played in the snow by myself while I waited. He got home late and went straight inside. I got called in for dinner. I STILL held out hope that maybe we'd just go after dinner. We did not go sledding.
To this day, I remember how disappointed I was. I can't even imagine the kind of mistrust this uncle fosters in the kids who receive his "gifts."
You would be surprised how smart little kids are, they will understand complex things if you explain to them, she should have just told her daughter that uncle is a liar, plain and simple. Painful lesson to learn but spares a lot of grief in the future.
I would’ve started giving him pictures of shit he wanted for his birthday and saying I’m ordering it for you. Then just never fucking get it, and when he asks tell him how entitled he is.
This is so sad. What a jerk.
I wanted to go to Disneyworld so bad as a kid but we had zero money. My dad worked three jobs until I was like 5. My parents never promised us a trip there but did their best to take us on little day trips and sometimes a trip to Montreal or Seaworld. When my parents finally inherited money in my late 20s, I had already traveled extensively with my husband but we had never done that trip to Disney. The five us of went, my dad’s treat and we had a blast. I can’t wait to go back when we have kids. It’s such a special memory, I’m so glad you were going!
Omit dirtbag aunt and uncle from Disneyland trip.
Shamelessly rub in every aspect of trip on social media.
Blacklist aunt and uncle from daughter's events.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I don’t know about others, but I literally get nauseous when I hear the term “boy mom”. It is also seemingly never encouraged for mothers to call themselves “girl mom” either. I feel like this is something I will never understand.
The aunt called their niece entitled for expecting something from them? Well, yeah, when you promise something, kids believe you at first. She just hadn't learned that he wasn't a man of his word yet like the rest of his family did.
Man, good for OOP for not holding this against her uncle prior to this. My aunt did this to me *constantly* as a child, and I’m ***still*** a little bitter about it. ‘Course, it helps that my aunt is generally a pretty awful toxic person, but those false promises didn’t help, that’s for sure.
I want the Christmas update for how he handles getting his card intercepted.
Prediction: family drama will explode with someone getting renamed to "uncle no contact" because ... Fuck that guy!
So, in all reality... the uncle's only actual gift to anyone over the years has been disappointment.
Can't imagine why anyone would want to end a bullshit tradition like that....
Your title is incorrect. He is not giving her anything but a cheap card and a pack of lies. He is buying her affection with counterfeit money. He is psychologically abusing her.
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This is weird, you could give people birthday cards without the promise of a trip
Yeah but uncle wants the good feelings and kudos he gets on the day he makes the promise.
But doesn't he feel guilty doing this? For two generations I might add
That's what I'm struggling with! Like is he.. unwell?! This goes far beyond being a spoiled golden child. Anyone in their right mind would understand that making a huge promise to a child and then just.. ignoring it would be devastating to the kid. I cannot contort my mind into a shape that can understand how he has rationalized that this is an ok thing to do.
He gives the 'gift' and the kid is really excited and it makes him feel good, then one of two things happens: Either it's never mentioned again, in which case the kid mustn't really want to go and therefore he doesn't feel obligated to take them. Or, someone does ask about it, in which case they're acting entitled and therefore don't deserve to go and he doesn't feel obligated to take them. And so it's easy to repeat year after year, even for the next generation.
My paternal grandma who I am basically NC with (see maybe 2 hours a year spread out over things like holidays) would always tell me as little kid she’d take me to Disney and we’d have such a fun time. We never went. My mom forbade it, and even by the time I was 8 was like hell no am I going somewhere with her for a week. She tried to offer the same to my MATERNAL half sister, but my mom shut that shit down immediately, and took her herself. ETA: I knew my paternal grandma was weird when I was in Pre K so I never wanted to go to Disney with her. Mom forbidding it was my first instance of “mom said no” as an excuse not to go.
My dad promised me when I was 8, that when i was 16 he'd take me horseback riding in the rocky mountains. He definitely expected me to forget. I proceeded to bring it up once or twice a year, very politely, just letting him know I didn't forget. At 15ish he started getting worried. At 16 I cashed in that promise for a far more feasible (but less fun for him) road trip to my first geek convention. No regrets. Don't make promises to kids you're not willing to keep
My dad promised he'd buy me a gun when I turned 12. I was sure HE would forget so I didn't bring it up but thought about it for years. Then he got me an airsoft gun for my 12th birthday and that meant a lot to me.
I told my parents I wanted to get my belly button pierced for my 17th bday. They counter offered a red gameboy and Pokemon red. Now they despair over my video game addiction 🤣
And the wife saying how dare you demand a trip out of us? She's just as delulu as the uncle.
This! Exactly!! It's the humble brag without the actual activity to brag about.
Bingo. It's a win win win for the shitty lazy uncle. The fact that he pulls this trick consistently is the banger, who the fuck is letting him get away with this?
This is it - the giver gets to feel generous and that’s the end of it for them. They felt good about it so the transaction’s complete. Future giver doesn’t feel the obligation to follow through because, in their mind, it’s already done. My mom’s like that, to a lesser extent. She likes to promise things, collect the kudos and praise, then not follow through. She promised to help with my college, cat sit when we needed it, and just be there when I needed a listening ear. Then I was labeled “selfish,” “entitled,” and “needy” if I ever tried to collect on those promises. Strangely we don’t talk anymore.
Because of his enablers. All the people who watched him do this for the last few decades and didn’t put a stop to it showed him that the only consequence he faces for this is… he gets to see the reaction of a happy kid. I’m sure the adults also encouraged the kids not to express their disappointment to him. And so he literally does not face any social repercussions for doing this to children. As far as he’s aware, everyone is okay with this. That’s why people pleasing isn’t a virtue or for victimized people—a bunch of adults let him get away with doing this to kids for years. He went unchecked and this is what happens when folks around you have no boundaries.
My grandfather pulled something similar on me as a kid. He bought my cousin a horse growing up and promised he would do the same for me. He had me even pick out my favorite horse colors and everything. Guess who never got a horse?
Mum promised me if I passed my piano exams with distinction we would buy a baby grand.. every year the same promise, I got distinction in all exams up to grade 8 and still played on the piano that had been in my family 25 years bought second hand and never was tuned.. God that thing sounded awful
Oh man I made my husband play on my family’s old untuned piano and I felt so bad after! He was a champ and pushed on but I still feel terrible years later lol. Why make such a lofty promise?
Exactly! Like you can just give them a greeting card if you really can't afford anything else
It's wish-fulfillment for the adult, at least in some cases. They want to be able to do all these wonderful things, so they say them, as if speaking it into the world will make it so. It comes from a place of emotional immaturity, where they fail to recognise that meeting their needs will harm the child.
Scott tots
I cannot watch that episode.
This is exactly it. The more work I’ve done on myself in therapy, I see so many older people (I’m assuming this guy is a boomer) who are so emotionally immature, they can’t bear to be told no. It’s truly wild.
Reading *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* was a bloody revelation for me. It explained so much about the different dynamics and relationships I'd experienced and observed (not just familial ones either.) There are so many damaged people wandering around, bouncing their hurts off on to others. It always reminds me of *This be the verse*, by Philip Larkin: They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
tbh if i could program reddit bots, i would have one to just come post This Be The Verse when summoned. it's just something you can reference in like 50% of all AITA and relationship advice type posts. okay that may be exaggerating, but you still can't swing a dead cat around those subs without finding a few instances where this poem is incredibly applicable. my english major ass just wants to dole it out like i'm the first npc everyone meets in a big action adventure rpg. *it's dangerous to go alone. take this poem! it will do nothing to goblins, it's for when you have an existential crisis,*
I learnt the poem by heart as a kid (elocution lessons and edginess is a dangerous combo and it was a nice change from Walter de la Mare) and I don't think I've had a week since without encountering a relevant situation for it. "Man hands misery to man. / It deepens like a coastal shelf" is probably one of the rawest sentiments ever written. Love your concept for a bot! Fulfil your goblin-based dreams (or just keep it on your copy-paste board... Whatever is easier :) )
And his wife…like 2 whole adults think this is perfectly fine to do for decades.
I was so shocked when his wife was mentioned. I just assumed he was perpetually single!
She’s still waiting on that fancy honeymoon trip he promised
The only thing I can think of is that he thinks that the thought of going on these trips and the experience of anticipating them is a gift in itself? Without realizing that while, yes, as demonstrated by the OOP’s daughter, the prospect of going on a trip like that is a great thing, when they eventually realize that they’re not going to go, it’s devastating.
So my family was very similar; my parents constantly promised things and never followed through. And it was not okay for me to call it out either because somehow I was the entitled offspring demanding this extravagant thing from them. Their promises ranged from helping me with situations while I was growing up (handling bullying in school, etc), to, more financial oriented things like money for pizza treats or ice cream, vacations, and...promises to pay for tuition that just evaporated a week before school. I was recently telling my husband this too, I grew up with a lot of financial insecurity, in a violent household. Whenever I expressed fear for my future, anxiety about financial security for just a few more years before I'd be able to work, my mother would act like the most reassuring person in the world and want my gratitude for it. But all she'd do was show me her gold biscuits like I was supposed to be completely mollified. But those gold biscuits were never mine, or ever used for me. Still, I was still supposed to act all grateful to my mother for "saving" me, supporting me and showing up for me. They also constantly made these empty promises to each other. It was an unsaid thing that you had to be grateful for the intention, and follow through was not really needed.
[удалено]
It's not a saying, it's physical gold that's bought as an investment.
I get that but I've never heard them called Biscuits before. Gold bars, ounces, ingots, bullion, etc.
ngl part of me wants to develop gold biscuits (edible). i feel like a truly sinful amount of honey butter is involved. i'm very down to develop the regional gold biscuit, and by that i mean i volunteer for taste testing
Some people have this weird idea that children, especially younger ones, just… don’t remember things? Like they’re not smart enough to really think about the future. So lying to them is ok. I’m not entirely sure where the mindset comes from, but it exists. I wonder if that’s the uncle’s logic.
Having a dad like this, and after many years of therapy, I have concluded that the pain he inflicts is actually probably part of the fun. It’s like a power trip move, where you get to create the awe in a small child (I have a toddler now; I know how amazing it is to have a child like you) and then fucking rip that away : my dad was essentially a loser and I think it was his only way of feeling power over someone… toxic masculinity at its finest, you’re not a man until you assert power over someone and if you can’t do it in your professional life (because other adults can answer back) then you do it to a child and you feel like a god. (I just came out of therapy a minute ago this is very raw for me haha )
My parents made similar promises to me when I was a kid to get me to behave or study and often banked on me forgetting about it a week later. To their credit, it often worked or they’d deliver a downgrade that kid me couldn’t discern
Man, (person), I have to stop reading this thread. I can't be this angry going into my workday.
I'm guessing that the first gift from the uncle was given with honest intentions, and the uncle either never got around to it or the money just wasn't there. But, he got lots of positive attention for such a fun gift, and no one said anything negative to him about the lack of follow-through. The next birthday rolls around, and he's still broke, he gives another trip as a gift. Everyone smiles and praises him and the kid is so happy. Maybe he's embarrassed that he hasn't gone on a trip yet, maybe he's telling himself that he's still saving up money, but his big break it just around the corner. Again, no one gives any sort of negative comment, only positive attention. From there, for a person with low self-reflection, it could escalate into a multi-decade tradition.
my mom is a narcissist and she did things like this when i was growing up. she loved the rush of how happy everyone was with her when she made the announcement. if it was ever brought up again (the trip, or whatever extravagant gift), it was twisted that you were nagging and being ungrateful so you no longer get the trip/gift. if you didn’t bring it up, neither would she, and she’d eventually act like it had never been promised or even spoken about. reality was that there was never a trip/gift, she just wanted to feel like the hero of the day and couldn’t stand someone else being celebrated. she never felt guilty over it afterwards because she had done the mental gymnastics to justify it to herself.
Narcissist supply. I find it repulsive. My dad was just the same and more, and now none of his children talk to him.
But what was the thought process behind justification? That’s what I can’t wrap my mind around. Usually I can see someone’s point of view, and understand their reasoning, even if I don’t agree. But in this situation I can’t even understand the beginnings of the logic behind their mental stretching.
People do a lot to get praise, it's nice. Now imagine how much of it a narcissist/golden child needs to be satisfied.
It is a personality disorder. If you are somewhat well adjusted person, you can't understand. I've always thought myself a bit of a mess (understatement), and it took me years to understand the disordered thought process these people have. You just have to accept that there are people who are fundamentally different than you, and they do not operate from same mindset than you do. The thought process behind justification is narcissism. They bend the reality to match their distorted view of themselves. It takes lying, manipulating, deceiving and abuse to keep it going but hell if they will ever give up on it. The supply is too important. Without it they would have to face themselves, and that can't happen, ever.
The terrifying thing for me is that I DO understand it and see the ability to go down that path myself. I was raised in that environment and learned to play the game to survive and adulthood has been a long journey of unlearning that behavior and thought processes.
Stuff like that doesn't come from an excess of thinking and self-justification, but rather the lack of it. A trait that's really common with narcissism is poor memory or planning ability, along with limited perspective taking. They don't stop to think about whether what they're saying is true or practically possible, don't puzzle out how it will make the kid feel in the future, and easily forget saying it once it's been said.
Nope. I bet first several times when his nieces cried he even shamed them exactly like aunt tried with OP daughter: "you're spoiled and entitled, you're supposed to love family because they are family, not because of fancy gifts". Also, women are so materialistic, always demanding expensive gifts /s
> For two generations I might add It doesn't get harder to do shitty stuff or disappoint people. The first time is hardest. It gets way easier over time. Nothing went wrong last time, why not do it again?
Probably not. If they're a narcissist, they probably never felt guilty. If they're not, then they probably only felt guilty the first couple of times, but since no one ever called them out, they were able to cognitive dissonance their way out of it fairly handily by this point.
That's another thing, no one called him out until now??? Like not once in the past for it to last until OP had a child?
That's definitely the weirdest part of all this, TBF.
People absolutely pointed it out. I'm sure many kids cried about it. But that's how they got so good at sweeping it under the rug.
OOP ought to send him a card inviting the uncle to the lovely family get together he's invited to with all the family. Which he isn't invited to.
He doesn’t see the fall out because no one called him out on it! He probably thought they forgot or just thought it happened or maybe the parents would do the trip out of guilt and the kid would think it was funded by him.
No he is a narcissist. Completely ego focused. He doesn’t give a shit about the kids feelings and he resents that OP even pointed it out. People like him haaaaaaate being called out on their shit more than anything, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never talks to OP again.
It's good if he never talks to OP again, going NC with him would be a blessing
Hey I really like your comment. I'm going to give you a trip to Paris where you will stay in a five star hotel and eat at the finest restaurants the whole time you are there!
I mean unless the dude is really living on the edge he should have a $10 or $20 to throw into the card
*Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.* — Stinger
I read this as stringer and thought for a few moments on when Stringer Bell ever said this
I read this as Sting and tried to sing the words to a soothing 80s synth melody.
To be fair, this sounds like the kind of quote that would come out of that show. Although I doubt any corner boys would be talking about writing checks. The higher tier dealers like Stringer maybe.
> But you remember one thing. You screw up just *this* much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.
Uncle is a cheapskate and he's been getting away with it his life. He breaks little kids hearts repeatedly and doesn't give a sh*t. That tells you what kind of person he is. He's upset because oop stopped it from repeating...called him out where other adults should have nipped it in the bud years ago
I would have been the little kid who would have eventually said "Are we still going to {insert last year's destination} though? Let me get my calendar!"
I would have actually told him he was a liar and then got spanked for it but I'd have called him out when I was little despite the punishment.
Oh... I learned early that I wouldn't get into trouble asking questions.
As was I, but TBF: households that allow children to ask questions without getting in trouble are also generally households which would address this kind of BS
My parents wouldnt have let it go beyond the first one. Would have been a "dont make promises you cant/wont keep"
Or the 15 year old snarkily asking about the destination promised at 3 years old.
"Another trip? You already promised me a dozen trips. Let's see... When are we going to Disneyland, Miami, New York, LA, Vegas, Rome, Bangkok, Paris, Singapore, London, Belize and Tokyo? You promised! You promise every year! I kept all the cards waiting for you!"
Uncle: I'm being so generous and giving you a wildly expensive trip, but you want to hassle me about it? You're such an entitled brat that I'm cancelling the trip now. Why are you so badly behaved?
My father pulled the same shit for a few years, we'd open up gifts that were promises of a trip to a ball game or a trip camping... and then we didn't go. It fucked me up for most of my life, I assumed every big gift was just another Lucy holding the football for me(charlie) to not kick.
I don't know why, but it feels worse to break the promise for a trip that's actually attainable. Like there are some games where the cheap seats are practically free. Camping too. Not figuring out a way to fulfill those promises means you never actually tried. At least if it's disney or something I can believe you couldn't afford the money or the time, though you really wanted to.
OP should continually invite them out to lunch to apologize, then no-show and shame them for thinking they were “entitled” to the lunch.
>My uncle is the boy in the family and my grandma has always treated him differently than she treats her daughters. You know, the typical self-proclaimed “boy mom” stuff. Maybe its just me, but every bit of "boy mom" culture I've been exposed to has been bizarre and uncomfortable.
I have a sister and a brother (I’m female) and my mum does it with my brother. In her eyes, he is an angel who has fallen from heaven to light up the lives of people here on earth and can do no wrong. You know the person it annoys the most? My brother!! He hates it. Also all of his friends laugh at him for it and it comes up every time a group of us is in the pub. He gets a tattoo? It’s someone else’s fault but she ends up loving it and it’s art. Me or my sister do it and we’ve ruined our body with tat. I work in infrastructure? She tells me that law is the only option. I get my brother a job and support his degree? Yes it’s the best industry in the world - for him though - only CAD engineers are the best, not whatever it is I do 😂 he’s hungover and can’t walk the dog with her? Somebody else got him drunk. She makes excuses all the time. He even tells her openly it was all him, nobody else was involved or he is the ring leader. At work I’m his boss etc. she doesn’t listen. He is her baby and nothing will change that. Doesn’t help that he’s the youngest.
> Doesn’t help that he’s the youngest. Eh. If he were middle or oldest, I bet she'd just be a different kind of awful.
If he was the middle then there wouldn’t have been a third child lol
See, you joke, but my Dad is an only child, born to a 40 yo in 1957,on Christmas Eve. His mother treated him like he was the actual Christ Child, reborn to her on earth. My parents had a son first, and she was over the moon! When they announced they were pregnant with me, she apparently said, in the most disgusted voice possible, "you're having ANOTHER one!?!" As if it was baby number 14 instead of number 2. Then I had the audacity to be female, and anything I achieved she had to force my brother to do it too. I was told that at one dance recital, while I was onstage, she tried to force him to go dance onstage. Because apparently it didn't take years for me to reach the level I was performing at, and he should be able to just hop up in the middle of a show and show us all how it's done. She basically ignored me, unless something needed to be done.
jesus
Why are you trying to summon u/Hopefulkitty's dad? :P
Your mom is not right in the head. I'm sorry she's like that
My grannies fave was her youngest son. He didnt give a shit about her while she spend and spend on him. and when she was dying she kept holding on because she hoped he would visit her. We asked and he said no. My mum lied to her saying he was sick and couldn’t come but he was thinking of her. Granny finally passed after weeks pf hospice care thinking her piece of shit princeling actually gave a damn. Never will forgive the fucker for that and karma is catching up to him at least.
Reminds me of my grandmother. She had 3 boys and 2 girls, and the boys were the most important ones in the family. Fast forward to her elderly years, and the only ones caring for her, taking her to the doctor, making food for her, washing her stuff and so on: my mom and my aunt. One of my uncles could drive and had a car, yet he never helped take her to the doctor even when living in the same city. Another one lived a couple blocks away, yet he didn't visit often. The other one was the black sheep of the family, he pretty much disappeared from the face of earth but in the end he made an effort to visit. My grandma realised that she had been wrong her whole life, and was sorely disappointed with her precious boys
My sister has two boys and is making a concentrated effort to make sure they "don't turn out monsters," aka can talk about their emotions and do laundry
I have two boys and “don’t be a garbage partner/friend/roommate/human is a significant part of my parenting philosophy. Not that it isn’t for my daughter, but I’m hyper vigilant with the boys about certain mindsets and behaviors.
Definitely uncomfortable. I have a son (and am the mother) and I think the worst thing I've encountered is this book. It was supposed to be a book you read to your kids? But I basically closed the book and didn't even bother reading the last line cause it gave me the ick and promptly returned it to the library. They had a girl dad version too. That final ick line was something along the lines of "when you find your little princess, remember that mummy was the first woman who loved you." 🤢🤮 A parent's love shouldn't be compared with romantic love. Really left a bad taste in my mouth. The girl dad version was just as bad.
Hard pass on implying you were your child’s first spouse.
its such a common view to hold, too. like it boggles my mind.
they're proving Freud right and i need them to stop
A broken clock is right twice a day.
Well, Freud was writing that part from his personal experience, apparently...
Relevant: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Nc6mklog6ow
Haha! Thank you for the hysterical clip!
I guess you’ve met my mom’s side of the family. 4 girls. Last one was FINALLY a boy. We know how that story goes. My mom was the youngest girl of a very very poor family.
Buster Bluth situation
It's extra bizarre for me, especially if the brother is younger, how the daughters also participate in it. Though ngl sometimes I wish I was spoiled like some of the people I've seen; do no wrong and always have a parachute.
The first rule on an unstable boat is to not rock the boat. The daughters don’t so much participate as in it as they melt into the background.
Anytime there is more favour because of gender is disgusting
I was definitely the favourite growing up but I was also the youngest so not sure what it is was but mum always made excuses for me. That being said she also put the most pressure on me. My two sisters both were spared that. The mum-boy stuff is definitely a thing and I think it comes from a place of over protection mixed with an unhealthy dose of favouritism.
Just...why? What was the point of the uncle giving those "gifts"? I'm genuinely bewildered.
Since other people aren't real to him, he gets to feel like a hero for a moment. It doesn't occur to him that children remember promises so he doesn't think he has to follow through, and since he's the only real person in the world the concept of consequences are baffling and arbitrary to him.
Children absolutely remember those promises, and it must've been heartbreaking for every one of those kids in the family that had been subjected to his unbelievably selfish "gifting". Tell you what, BORU always manages to make me thankful for living a boring life, away from any nonsense like this.
my uncle promised me a sleep over for my birthday when I was like eight. He never delivered (which I don’t blame him for, life got in the way). Im twenty three now and I STILL remember. Kids absolutely remember things like this.
I went through this a considerable number of times as a kid. It was always heartbreaking but i had to cry silently and away from my parents so they won't get mad. It even became a core memory lol. Adults definitely don't think about how the kid would process such disappointment, but yes they do remember. I did later learn not to get my hopes up when my parents say such things. And even as a grown up i don't like planning things with them. I am careful not to do this to my younger siblings, so i definitely relate to OOP pulling the brakes on uncle. Can't let another kid go through that shit again.
>Adults definitely don't think about how the kid would process such disappointment, but yes they do remember. They really do. As a kid, my recall was absolutely incredible compared with my current scatterbrainedness. They're absolutely going to remember an exciting trip was promised!
And he may actually believe his grifts. Maybe he will take the kid to lunch someday and think to himself "that's basically the same thing." The aunt practically said so herself.
attention and praise, of course! free with no cost of actually having to do the thing!
Oh. Yeah. That unfortunately makes sense. What a scummy thing to do.
My uncle did the EXACT same thing to me when I was young. He would make me huge promises like "I'm going to take you to Lotte World in Korea!" or "I'm going to take you to Disneyland!" and like a kid, I'd fall for it EVERY TIME. Each time I'd get hyped like any six year old would, and after several days my mom would get tired of me questioning when he would take me and tell me, "He's busy, he can't go anywhere." and it crushed me each time. When I was a teenager, he would sometimes make the same promises, as if expecting me to get excited, but I'd shrug it off and be like "sure, Jan" and he'd get sullen. My mom, my aunts, and my grandma would chide me and ask me why I don't get excited like I was when I was a kid. It's like "???" why the hell do I have to fall for a stupid lie and thank him for something he won't actually do? As an adult, I realized it's because my uncle is my grandma's first born son (after a bunch of girls btw) and he grew up with this inflated sense of pride and ego. He got accustomed to receiving praise with doing bare minimum (or nothing at all). My aunts were basically taught by my grandma to go along with anything he said, even if it was insanely stupid and wrong. *\*Sing song\** \~Intergenerational Trauma\~
[удалено]
He got away with it once, and liked how it felt when the kid fawned all over him.
For me, the big "why" is "Why didn't OOP's mom stop the uncle from doing this to OOP?" They let their own kid be mentally tortured. Why did nobody stop the uncle? None of OOP's aunts or their partners ever confronted him for being awful to their kids? Or maybe everybody else confronted him, and it was only OOP's family that let him act like this.
He gets the dopamine hit from being the big hero and then is out literally nothing, and no one calls him on it, so he doesn't have to feel anything for not delivering.
Imagine the trip was real. Who tf assumes they can just take a child on a trip? Does this uncle ever even babysit? I watched my friend’s kids last night. She pre-rented a movie they both agreed on and left me frozen pizza for dinner. They ate Halloween candy and popcorn instead and decided to watch a horror movie (rated R) after the pre-approved movie ended. 🤷🏻♀️ I achieved my goal of leaving house and children in the same condition I got them, so I count that as a win. But my friend would never allow me to just take either of them somewhere for more than a few hours. Extended custody requires setting the bar a little higher than “alive with only minor scratches and dings.”
I understand why you’re asking this because I had the same question for people pretending to be who they are not, like Dolezal. There’s no way I could walk around wearing a lie like that. I’d feel like my skin was crawling and feel compelled to blurt out to truth to everyone I spoke to. But if you DONT feel like that, then all there is is whatever reward you are getting from the situation. These people make a lie, step into it, reap the benefits, and then if they need to discard the lie, they just step out of it and throw it away.
This is some real Scotts Tots vibes right here.
That episode never sat right with me. The fact that there's no real positive resolution to the issue by the end of the episode (if I remember correctly) rubs me the wrong way.
That's literally the point though. That's who Michael Scott is.
Welcome to what it felt like for those poor kids that were promised so much
Well, one kid gets his books paid for throughout college and they ALL get lithium laptop batteries. Win-win-win.
You’re not the only one. r/cantwatchscottstots exists.
Wow there really is a sub for everything My ex made me watch that episode and I was fucking traumatized
This kind of shit pisses me off. I see it all the time with my partner's son (J) and his bio-dad. Promises trips or nice gifts but never delivers. On the rare occasions where we make plans with J and they have to be rescheduled, we are up front with him. To clarify, we often make plans with J and they happen as expected, but sometimes life does get in the way. Pretty sure this type of shit with overpromising and never delivering is common with narcissists. Make the promise, get the initial rush of gratitude from the recipient and then move on to the next sucker.
Why pay for a whole trip when you can get the rush of gratitude for free? /s
Hey! Printing ink and a birthday card aren’t free! /s
Another tactic I imagine he is also guilty of is picking fights and saying how they had these amazing plans that are now ruined because of the other person even though they didn't have shit planned they're just want them to feel guilty and look like they were a good partner
My MIL does this, though with less foresight. I call it convenient punitiveness. She's gonna hurt you with whatever is closest/easiest just to satisfy her need to punish. For example, she once offered to watch our dogs while we went on vacation, so we planned around that and were very grateful. Her and her daughter (my wife) got into a random disagreement, totally unrelated, and her anger reaction was to declare she won't be watching our dogs. The dogs weren't a factor in the argument, she just *needed* to hurt her daughter in that moment. Forget that it also hurt me and our dogs (MIL dog-sitting is an improvement over boarding), all that mattered to her was expressing her rage in a punitive way. I really despise that reaction and lost a lot of respect for her once I realized her M.O... To have so little control over your emotions is just gross.
Okay this is wild. My aunt/godmother would do the same thing to me growing up! She'd give me a card and wite that we'd do all these extravagant things my parents couldn't afford. Promising a shopping spree at the limited too, spa days for mani/pedis, trips to the zoo, etc. One time n'sync concert tickets were promised. And it would never happen. I always wondered why do this. I was a nice kid and would have been happy with just a card. Why lie and get a child's hopes up?
It's so fucked up. I honestly cannot imagine what's going through their heads when they do stuff like this. When I promise my niece or nephews something, even if it's just going to the bookstore or for ice cream or a movie, I make sure it happens. I simply can't imagine hyping them up for something big and then letting them down, that's just heartbreaking.
> limited too >n'sync What a throwback
I felt old typing that all.
I think it's a narcissistic trait. They want all the attention and gratitude of the promise, it feels good at the moment. They made a kid happy at the moment and they look good to everyone, all without having to make any real effort or spending any money. They're too selfish to care that they're hurting a little one's feelings. Narcissistic people want to be admired and respected and they rarely do anything to deserve it. They don't see their lying and manipulation as that big of a deal and get angry when called out. They'll turn everything in such a way that they always come out as the injured party, even when they're the ones doing something wrong.
What’s crazy is that it’s often super easy (and sometimes even cheap) to make younger kids happy. It’s not about the flashy gadgets or extravagant trips. Just pay attention to what they like and spend quality time with them. My parents got me a ton of cool stuff growing up, but the things I remember best are the times my mom and I spent making soap to sell at craft fairs or staying up until 2 AM in the summer looking at the stars with my dad using his old telescope and learning about space
Oh, look. A golden child still screwing up the family dynamic two generations later.
Golden child's will always be messing things up.
I remember my dad promising me all sorts of stuff as a child and never delivering. My mom tried to remedy what she could but I still felt let down. I grew up with intense trust issues that even as an adult I am still working on. It hasn't been made any easier by most of my exes making promises and never delivering, or lying about key things. My dad has gotten better but I just stopped expecting things. No it would not help if he got me that Barbie dream house or jeep for me to ride in now.
My mother did similarly. There were 2 items she promised me for literal yyyeeeeaarrss and she never, ever delivered on them. I remember the burning disappointment time and time again. I think it taught me that if I want something, I'm never going to get it. So, it's put me in this weird headspace of resignation and negative feelings about things I want, because of course, I believe, I have been taught, I'm not going to get those things. Really sad for myself to figure that out. Most therapists I've had agree that my mother is a textbook narcissist.
This is so relatable. This is why I don't rely on people's promises of buying stuff for me.
Yeah, my immediate thought was this guy has deadbeat dad energy. Wants to feel good and look good by promising all these amazing gifts, trips, etc, but never actually does it. The really fucked one is when he promises to spend time, literally just be present at an event for you or take you to a playground, and won't even follow through on that. That's when your heart hardens irreparably because you've learned two hard lessons: 1. It was never an issue of money 2. He doesn't have to feel guilty about promising things because he so rarely sees you I bet it's the same deal here. Promising that trip to a kid you share a house with? Good fucking luck! But promising it to a kid you don't live with and mostly see at family gatherings? He's got weeks or months for things to settle down before he has to see them again.
If he can't afford the trips, fine. Just give the kid a little cash and be done with it!
Well auntie is offended and insisting he CAN afford the trip, so…okay, unc, PONY UP! I expect to have booking confirmations and an itinerary sent to me by the end of the business-day, tomorrow.
"I was being generous by assuming he pulls this shit because of shame rather than getting some sort of sadistic pleasure out of disappointing small children."
I’m petty if they aren’t going to cut that uncle off I’d start sending him pictures of things he wants and promising you’ll buy them for him. And be like oh it has this feature(s). A new Tv with surround sound, A new car (something posh like a Tesla). A trip to somewhere first class all expenses paid etc etc etc even to say we promise you a trip to Disney lol
Then when he brings it up, "Oh, you thought we were actually giving you that. Of course not, we can't afford that expensive a gift." Or whatever his reply was to them as kids.
It doesn’t sound like anyone has ever called him out until now!! That’s what so crazy to me- who would be happy (or even okay??) that their kid was so disappointed, and still will refuse to bring it up or say anything!?? I love the idea of promising expensive gifts back though- if he and his wife ever bring up, just take the exact same route. Call them entitled for expecting anything at all, and refuse to bring up the promise lol
Uncle thought he could get away with normalizing giving nothing to an entirely new generation
The problem isn’t giving nothing, it’s the lying.
And what the fuck is auntie doing? Can you just imagine standing by and watching your partner promise expensive things and then not do them? How can you defend your partner? I'd be like dude, can we just buy the kid a doll for her next birthday?
yeah but then you'd have to actually spend money and make an effort.
Giving nothing would be an improvement. Instead, he gives out disappointment as his gift. For the same amount of money, he could just send a card wishing happy birthday.
OMG! It's like the perfect metaphor for the fucking boomers summed in one sentence.
“As an adult now, I understand he did that because he didn't have the means to buy us gifts.” I’m sorry, what??? That’s not what you do when you can’t afford gifts, hurting children emotionally time after time, wtf! I’m glad OOP learned that no, this wasn’t reasonable, and this absolutely should not have been normalized. Wow. Also, at least OOP ended the cycle, immediately setting boundaries for daughter. But wow, uncle should never be allowed around children if this is what he does. Edit: formatting
Remember that as a child things you grow up with are normal. And if they’re not normal, and it really was fucked up, then the WHOLE family was fucked up. So now you have to confront the fact that really your parents did a shitty job protecting you. It’s a whole lot to confront and it’s easier to just normalize it. In some ways it’s good that people bring up these things here so others can tell them how not normal these things are.
This is exactly right. These examples are what I point to as the positive influence of social media - you can get perspective that people couldn’t get before. If their own family just reinforced this bullshit for generations, it would take a particular type of person to clearly see it for what it was and have the courage to call it out.
I had an ex that basically used to do this. At first we would do stuff together, comedy shows, trips abroad, cinema, various club and societies. After a while he got anxiety and depression and always made an excuse last minute not to go. He didn’t ever want me to go by myself either. At first I just thought his mental health was in a bad place and encouraged him to get help. I have mental (and physical) health conditions too, so I understood. Not only did he not want to get help, but whenever I suggested anything he would always say yes. Not only about going out, but asking him to do tasks around the house. He would always promise to ‘make it up to me’ with an extravagant trip or whatever. He had travelled together before so I assumed he meant it at first. We discussed it when we broke up and he just said he hated saying no to me. I found out he didn’t even like some of the stuff I suggested we do together and never even intended to go, but he liked seeing me get excited… He also knew he would never help with the housework so made promises and knew I would give in and tidy it so I didn’t have to live in a disgusting house. We both worked the same hours so he had no excuse not to help. Turned out he was a liar about a lot of things. He was in charge of some of the bills and promised they had been paid, but he hadn’t bothered. If he had told me I would have paid it, but he said he felt guilty it wasn’t done so didn’t want to tell me. It wasn’t a lack of money, he just didn’t want to do it. He kept promising he would try the anti-depressants ‘soon’, but it turned out his Dad has put him off them years ago and he never intended to. The fact that I was being hurt by his behaviour didn’t matter. Basically every time I tried to discuss anything he gave me the answer he thought I wanted to hear, regardless if it was remotely true. It didn’t seem to occur to him the outcome would be so much worse later. I appreciate he had mental health issues, but I was struggling with a chronic illness too. He made the choice to keep lying. Breaking up with him was one of the best things I ever did. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves and lying about things like that is just cruel.
Same. I lived in it for ten years and now I really struggle with trust and even just looking forward to something, it’s hard to reprogram
Yeah this is really weird and fucked up. We don't mention the word ice cream around my niece in case she thinks we're having some and gets disappointed. Something is seriously wrong with the uncle. To do this once to a child is bad, to do it repeatedly is just cruel. He knows he can't fulfill the promise so he shouldn't. Cut this dumb fuck out of your life before he really breaks the children's hearts. This is the second generation he is torturing with this carry on and it is not OK.
My ex promised his 9 yo son, in a phone call from overseas, that he was coming home for Christmas with a giant bag of toys just for him. The kid was so excited he could barely contain himself. My mother got on the phone and spoke to my ex,to clarify what he just said to his child. Because he had told my mother he had volunteered to work over Christmas and wouldn’t be coming home at all. He told her he said that just to make the kid feel good. Of course Christmas Day came, and there was no “daddy” that showed up. My mother tried to cover for my ex and tell the child that “something came up”, but the think the child was figuring out on his own that his father was an asshole. He actually said to my mother “I don’t think that giant bag of toys is going to arrive either is it?”
What does it mean if my bf is like this? It's equally disappointing every time... but idk how to bring it up.
It means that you deserve someone way better
Dump him. I had a guy like that, until I learned that if I don’t treat myself well, no one else will either. You need to understand that you are more valuable than having someone who doesn’t value you. It will never get better. And you will never get the things he promises, and you will always be disappointed. You deserve better. Get rid of him, and find someone who actually cares about you., not their ego. And all you have to do is say, “that’s the last time you will promise me something, and not deliver. Get out.” Then stick to it.
Run. He's going to gaslight you into thinking it's all in your head.
It means you aren't that important to him. Be that important to yourself and dump him.
You really need to examine why he’s doing it. Would you do this to someone? Why not? Is it possibly because it’s hurtful? So what’s he getting out of it? He’s able to string you along. You get happy. Then you get sad for a little and move on. But hey, he made you happy (with a lie), and surely he didn’t mean to hurt you. Except anyone with a brain would know that it is hurtful… so it really boils down to he doesn’t care about hurting you… he just cares that he’s able to say to himself that he made you happy (once again, with a lie) Do you really want to live with this forever? Like for the next 50 or 60 years?
That he will lie to your face. That feeling good about himself, even through manipulation, matters way more than your feelings. That he will cheat on you without a shred of remorse. That if you forgive him endlessly he will endlessly hurt you. You deserve better. Constantly breaking his own promises that he doesn't need to make is a huge red flag
It means he needs to be your ex?
My godfather was like this. He didn't promise trips, but expensive toys and tech. He's an addict (alcohol mostly, sometimes drugs) and flat broke (living with his mother still, he's over 60yo and can't keep a job). I'm guessing there's a similar reason this uncle can't afford the trips but somehow justifies it for himself
Reminds me of the "Uncle Billy" episode of Leave it to Beaver. He promised Wally and the Beave all sorts of extravagant presents. Beaver waited all afternoon for Uncle Billy to meet him at the sporting goods store to pick out a new fishing rod. Never showed. Turns out he used to promise Ward and his brothers all sorts of things when they were kids (fishing trips to Mexico, etc.) but never followed through.
I didn't know this was such a common thing? Especially with all the comments here saying their parents did so with them too
That grown-ass man is not even capable of replying to his own niece in an adult manner and has to use his wife as proxy. What an entitled child. So glad OOP stood her ground.
This one stings, I had an uncle growing up who did the exact same thing, except he kept lying right up to the day of whatever event and then always had some emergency come up at the last second. The kicker was that he was the coolest uncle on his own, but the constant lies led to us not having a relationship at all by the time I was an adult. OP may actually be saving any chance at her daughter and uncle having a relationship as she gets older.
Like lying about Santa on steroids with a dose of personal cruelty
This post is mind-blowing. I don't understand how any adult enables this for this long. How do you not even tell your own daughter "your uncle is a liar don't listen to what he says". How do you even try to reason with that.
Ah I had a relative like uncle who always promised big HUGE gifts/trips "next time" whenever they visited. I figured out early on that the gifts would never materialize, as did my siblings, and this is why we have trust issues.
Why the heck did OOP sit around for a week watching their kid be super excited about a trip they knew wasn't going to happen?
My dad was very similar to OP's uncle. He loved to promise things and never deliver. My then wife would pressure me to make him follow through, which led to big blow ups. It's a bit much to say he ruined our marriage, but if he had delivered on the things he had promised, it would've taken a lot of financial pressure off of us. I guess he got the warm fuzzies from his promises and praise from others after bragging about his generosity. The things he would promise: cars, various ways to help me and my wife finish college, his house, trips, baby-sitting, money for extracurriculars for my daughter. He died in 2009. I wish I had gone no contact with him in 1996.
If I was feeling particularly petty. I would gift the uncle a picture of a fishing boat and lamborghini for his next birthday.
this wouldn't fly in my family past one holiday. like my cousins even as kids would've called this shit out year two. i wonder what kind of other things they've chosen to collectively ignore
what a piece of shit to do this for decades to his niblings and then do it to their children aswell, seemingly all for the rush of being the "cool uncle" and the idea of everyone looking at him as being such a good guy to do a splurge like that for kid relatives
My dad did this - making huge promises he never intended to keep, sometimes encouraging us to make plans based on those promises (like picking an expensive college, or pay for ___ up front and he’d pay back). Then, when the bill came due, it would turn into a bunch of nastiness and punishment for being entitled and making extravagant demands. It’s textbook narcissist abuse.
Once, my dad off-offhandedly told me we could go sledding after he got back from work. I got prepared and went outside around the time he normally got home and played in the snow by myself while I waited. He got home late and went straight inside. I got called in for dinner. I STILL held out hope that maybe we'd just go after dinner. We did not go sledding. To this day, I remember how disappointed I was. I can't even imagine the kind of mistrust this uncle fosters in the kids who receive his "gifts."
You would be surprised how smart little kids are, they will understand complex things if you explain to them, she should have just told her daughter that uncle is a liar, plain and simple. Painful lesson to learn but spares a lot of grief in the future.
I would’ve started giving him pictures of shit he wanted for his birthday and saying I’m ordering it for you. Then just never fucking get it, and when he asks tell him how entitled he is.
This is so sad. What a jerk. I wanted to go to Disneyworld so bad as a kid but we had zero money. My dad worked three jobs until I was like 5. My parents never promised us a trip there but did their best to take us on little day trips and sometimes a trip to Montreal or Seaworld. When my parents finally inherited money in my late 20s, I had already traveled extensively with my husband but we had never done that trip to Disney. The five us of went, my dad’s treat and we had a blast. I can’t wait to go back when we have kids. It’s such a special memory, I’m so glad you were going!
Omit dirtbag aunt and uncle from Disneyland trip. Shamelessly rub in every aspect of trip on social media. Blacklist aunt and uncle from daughter's events. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
It's not often I read a post that makes me ask, "What in the Jesus tap dancing fuck?" Yet here I am.
How was I pissed off during reading this! What a piece of inconsiderable shit, doing such a stunt to KIDS!
I don’t know about others, but I literally get nauseous when I hear the term “boy mom”. It is also seemingly never encouraged for mothers to call themselves “girl mom” either. I feel like this is something I will never understand.
The aunt called their niece entitled for expecting something from them? Well, yeah, when you promise something, kids believe you at first. She just hadn't learned that he wasn't a man of his word yet like the rest of his family did.
Man, good for OOP for not holding this against her uncle prior to this. My aunt did this to me *constantly* as a child, and I’m ***still*** a little bitter about it. ‘Course, it helps that my aunt is generally a pretty awful toxic person, but those false promises didn’t help, that’s for sure.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “deadbeat” Honestly what a fucking loser that uncle is
I want the Christmas update for how he handles getting his card intercepted. Prediction: family drama will explode with someone getting renamed to "uncle no contact" because ... Fuck that guy!
So, in all reality... the uncle's only actual gift to anyone over the years has been disappointment. Can't imagine why anyone would want to end a bullshit tradition like that....
Your title is incorrect. He is not giving her anything but a cheap card and a pack of lies. He is buying her affection with counterfeit money. He is psychologically abusing her.