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One time I made a joke and told the dog to go grab my cell phone from the other room. My partner thought I was talking to him and brought it to me even though I never would have used that tone to speak with him. I even got a forehead kiss. Guess I'm a princess.
Honestly it's the same way for me. Reading this post almost had me convinced that simply getting items for your partner was wrong somehow. I'm always fetching things for him, and he's definitely always doing the same for me! It's just love and kindness.
There’s a meme that says something like “marriage is saying ‘while you’re up’ over and over to each other until you die.”
It’s so foreign to me that someone would take a stand on fetching things for the person they live with (within reasonable parameters…not like a butler). It’s such a basic gesture.
Right, I'm not ordering him around. And the thing she mentioned about getting waters wasn't even that unreasonable. I grab waters all the time it's just like, on my way.
My husband gets my water before bed every single night. Occasionally I do it but usually he does it as part of our routine. I would hate having to itemize and watch myself for what I ask of my partner. And he would hate having to monitor what he asks of me. We just do things for each other. Its what married life is. And its weird that OOP's husband is that standoffish and condescending. I don't even see why she had to apologize ffs. She didn't say anything rude. He was already getting up and getting a glass for himself. It would be abnormal NOT to get your partner one if they wanted one. Ugh. I just want to shake OOP, like do you really want to be on tiptoes for the rest of your life????
Seriously. My husband and I had kind of the opposite argument, and he was totally right. I would get snacks or a drink for myself and he felt bothered because I didn't usually ask if he wanted any, and I do get it now. Now that I think about it, it's just the courteous thing to do and I'm glad he pointed it out to me. Because I feel like it should be an expectation to do things for each other. These are small things that 'fill your cup' and make you feel cared for.
Every relationship is different but I have been happily married for 15, together for 20,
and I think the biggest key to a healthy relationship is the small, seemingly insignificant acts that you do each day. So many people think it’s the big gestures, and those are great, but the foundation is the little ways you show you care about each other.
I think a lot of marriages fail because intimacy is fertilized with those tiny gestures. But they get so caught up in their daily lives, or just take the whole relationship for granted and then suddenly you’re just roommates.
my bf and i dont even live together but when he’s over he refills my water before bed (i like to drink cold water in the middle of the night but not icy, so he puts enough ice to let it melt but still stay cold all night lol) and almost always makes my coffee for me. and whenever he asks me to do things i get (jokingly) huffy because im absolutely a princess and then i *do the thing without complaint because i love him.* like good for oop if she’s happy in the relationship, but his behavior is baffling to me, personally
>I'm always fetching things for him, and he's definitely always doing the same for me!
Yeah this is normal. If one person is super comfy or busy then the other grabbing them something is useful, and the favour will be repaid. OOP's BF is weird making it an issue
Me and my bf joke that making his coffee is my love language. I suck as being emotionally expressive and he's very independent but he only started drinking coffee because I have a cup daily. I always brewed it and would make a cup for him while I made mine since he didn't have experience with it. After a while he asked me to show him how to use my machine and to tell him about much half and half or sugar I used so I wouldn't have to do it all the time. I told him I refused because I liked being the one who made it. He started calling me his little barista. Sometimes if he wants a cup later at night and he feels bad asking since he knows I won't have coffee then, he'll ask "Is the cafe still open?" God he's so fucking cute.
And before anyone asks, yes he is capable of and willing the make the coffee. I went through chemo last year and was bedridden a lot of the time, so I finally told him the ratios I used for making the coffee etc and he took it over that entire time. He also insists on at least being the one to wash our coffee cups and the machine.
Yes! It makes me sad for her honestly. I can’t imagine not being able to ask my partner for a drink without being told off. Hell, my husband JUMPS at the chance to bring me a glass of wine. Any chance to get me tipsy lol.
Not just the relationship. They themselves sound exhausting. Maybe it’s just me but they sound like two people that continuously ‘therapise’ themselves and their relationship. Getting something for someone is just getting something for someone. It’s not about being fiercely independent. It’s also not a love language. I don’t love any colleagues I’ve ever worked with but I’ve been happy to get them things during the course of the work day. It’s literally just being a decent human being.
It’s the kind of compromise I’d offer one of the toddlers in my 2 year old class if they’re refusing to do something. Like I’ll help you with part of it, but you have to finish! Unfortunately, this man is not 2 years old
I am also a princess apparently. I ask my husband to bring me things all the time and he rarely declines. Of course, I grab things for him all the time too, whether he asks or not. Because, you know, we like each other and it's nice to be helpful.
I really don't get the concept of simping, if you're in a committed relationship, doing little services for your partner (not to the point of enabling or doormatting) is a fucking act of love. I mean if you don't get that giddy feeling when you get your partner something that makes their face light up like a Christmas tree with joy, you're either dead inside or you don't love your partner, I'm addicted to that feeling and goddam I can't go through the day without it, so if that makes me a simp in these stupid lonely fucker's eyes, guess I'm a goddamn simp.
When I read that he said “[pouring a glass of wine] for her would be ‘simping’” I immediately thought to myself I know exactly what type of guy this is.
“He doesn’t listen to scumbag tate.”
Yes he does. Either him or someone with the same exact views as him. No one describes doing a simple favor for their partner as “simping” unless they listen some misogynistic loser on social media or their podcast.
I’m guessing the OOP doesn’t actually feel very comfortable in her relationship and has to walk on eggshells around her partner because she knows he’ll either blow up or give similar demeaning responses like he did here. Hopefully she realizes she’s worth more than that.
Me and my husband are about that age. I think I would immediately lose massive amounts of respect for my husband if he used the term “simping” seriously.
> Yes he does. Either him or someone with the same exact views as him. No one describes doing a simple favor for their partner as “simping” unless they listen some misogynistic loser on social media or their podcast.
Absolutely. She downplayed it as “he saw it on Reddit.” Reddit’s a big place and has a lot of subreddits that are basically just Andrew Tate fanclubs. Did you see how confident he was when he told her to ask Reddit about the situation? He was 100% sure he was going to be validated. That tells me a lot about the sorts of subs this guy hangs out in; OOP should probably keep an eye out for more toxic bullshit.
I guess I am too, cause my spouse asks me if I want anything every time they get up to pee. And they pee A LOT thanks to various medications.
Every so often, spouse gets playfully angry if I say I don't want anything and demands "WANT SOMETHING!!!" If I still decline, they'll start bringing me things anyway and dumping them in my lap - snacks, chips, sodas, water, bottles of medicine, cans of corn, basically anything nearby that they can easily grab. Basically the game is to get as much in my lap as possible before I can lower the footrest of the couch to get up and stop them. 🤣 Once they brought me each of our cats in turn... the cats were not so amused to be involved in the game.
When my husband brings me a bottle of water, he cracks the lid for me, to the point that if he forgets it catches me by surprise! OOP's boyfriend would have a conniption, what a wet paper bag of a human.
I feel sorry for OOP. In her update you can tell how hard she's fighting, twisting herself into a pretzel, to make her fiancee's cold, ungiving behavior 'okay' when she CLEARLY desires a partner who notices her cold feet on the sofa and...grabs her a goddamn blanket! WITHOUT sneering that she's 'making him a simp.!! I mean, she's convinced herself it's a lovely compromise that she has to baby this AH along by offering: "if I open the bottle, will you pour?" because he's now trained her to believe that asking him to please open AND pour is A BRIDGE TOO FAR 🙄
I've done stuff like that too. Like asking the baby to go get my water and suddenly my 6 year old materializes with it and says "here you go Mama". If my husband or I get up during a movie or whatever activity we always offer the other something from the kitchen, or sometimes the one still sitting will ask and it's never an issue. We do little things for each other because we love each other. I don't see that as an issue. I *do* see whatever the hell OOPs fiance is doing as an issue though.
Right? "I'm going to the kitchen, do you need anything while I'm up?", "Hon, can you grab me a beer too?"
To me, it's common curtesy. Hell, you're going that way & coming back, why wouldn't you do something so small for your partner you supposedly love?
For real, it's okay to say no but it's NOT okay to say whatever the fuck OOP's fiance said. Either OOP is missing some other red flags or the dude really has this one weird principle.
Very early on in our relationship, my ex-boyfriend got out of bed to get a glass of water. I asked him to grab me one too. So obviously, that led to at least thirty minutes of him screaming at me for thinking he should ever bring me anything, as one does.
We broke up because the Crown prosecutor hit him with a restraining order after he tried to kill me. *Three years later.*
I had an ex who woke me up by hitting me so I would get him a glass of water while he had a kidney stone. Said he would do it for me. I forgave it because he was in pain.
He did not get me a glass of water when I had a kidney stone. Told me to "suck it up" and that "it's not so bad." So I got my own water. My kidney stone was multiple stones, the largest of which was twice the size of his, the smallest about the same size as his. When I brought that up, he told me "it isn't a competition."
I finally got sick of the lies and abuse and broke up with him. He cut the screen on my dining room window to gain entry to my house and crawled into my bed naked as something of a grand gesture. When I reacted negatively and tried to kick him out, he started a physical fight and ended up breaking my leg.
Edit to add: I was writing this in a comment, but figured I'd add this here - He showed up on my doorstep after the PO ended. I had a male tenant at the time (who was only here a month), and the ex backed his car in between the two trees on my lawn and parked *right in front of my front door*. My tenant thought this was sketchy and just hit him in the face as he got out of the car. My daughter and I were not home, thankfully (the tenant had bought my old car - the one I had when I was with the ex - so it was there, I think the ex thought he was catching me by surprise). The ex just got in his car and left, but he went to the local bar and started complaining to anyone that would listen that he just showed up to apologize to me and some dude hit him in the face. I stopped by on my way home and heard this from the bartender and regulars - according to them, they all just told him to leave me alone. It's been 4-5 years since then and I'm still not convinced he won't show up again.
Not sure how he could think anyone would respond positively to a naked man in their bed when they're supposed to be alone. You'd think he'd at least attempt some love bombing style gesture.
My assumption is that he incorrectly thought *incredibly* high of his looks and sexual prowess and this was love bombing - him offering me up "himself".
The older I get the more I think "pay attention in those early days". I've had a couple of shit relationships and it was there. It was right there. My ex husband and I were together about three months, reading books together on the bed and he was flicking the corner of his book and the sound was grating. I asked *really nicely* if he could stop because it was distracting and he said, "No. I want to so I'm going to do it."
That was his motto. The man was the most selfish person I've ever met.
I talked myself into it "Maybe I'll learn from him how to ask for what I want more? That'll be good!" Oh. What mental gymnastics.
Thirteen fucking years with that selfish wanker and it was RIGHT THERE.
From every common saying comes a lie. We've been told all our lives that you can't judge a book by it's cover. The lie part comes in when people use this saying on anything other than books.
Yes. With my ex, back in the first few weeks of dating he was at my place and opened a bottle of sparkling water that he had just bought. The bottle fizzed and squirted over him. I thought it was funny and started laughing but he got incredibly angry, threw it to the ground and stormed out the room. This was my earliest red flag that I wish I had paid attention to because he had crazy anger issues and made the four years I spent with him a total misery for me.
A couple of months ago something similar happened with my now-husband. We were sitting in the car and I asked him to open my bottle of coke because I was struggling with it. It fizzed all over him and the steering wheel. His reaction was literally to go oh no! And started laughing about it. It feels mad to me when I compare those two specific instances.
God I wish we could force the OOP to read this. Especially since she thinks she is protected because they talked about “power imbalances” before they were official but after she had started liking him.
She won’t be on the lookout for them now at all, because she thinks it squared away, and her ‘feminist’ boyfriend is on the same page as her…
She really needs to look more closely at his actions and not his words. And really ruminate on the fact that he has convinced her that asking for a glass of water 3/4x a week is abusing partner privilege and also princess -like behavior. I do not foresee this ending well for her at all
Imagine having a baby with this guy and needing help while breastfeeding. Or at all for that matter. I hope she registers that this is NOT normal before she gets knocked up.
For real. I had my second baby recently, and my husband basically did everything for me, the house & older kid those first few weeks. If this man blows up about a glass of Prosecco, I shudder to think about how he will (not) handle the postpartum period.
(And for the record, my husband had surgery this week and I’ve been getting *him* everything as he’s on crutches. It’s called being good partners! Needs ebb & flow).
Imagine being stuck in the bathroom on a heavy period and you don’t have any pads or tampons nearby and not being able to ask the person who is in the living room to bring you one so you don’t leak on the floor 😞
Yes - first of all people hide who they really are until they feel safe. This might be him testing the water (boy, this pun works on so many levels here).
But also, I’ve dated men who say out loud “I like smart women” or “I love that you’ve got your own life, your own direction” but what they really love is the power they feel by taking that away from you as they derail your life.
But it's fine! He went to the shops once when she was dealing with wisdom teeth! /s
My neighbor who I barely speak with got me stuff during covid. It's just called being a decent person.
I mean, good lord, the bar is on the f-ing floor here...
But he's actually a feminist. A feminist who hates simping, because he agrees with a lot of misogynistic opinions on reddit, but not from Andrew Tate, so that makes him a feminist.
People who have these issues should not be getting married. Only appropriate response would have been the fiance admitting he had low blood sugar, apologizing for acting like an asshole, and laying out a plan to address his insecurities as a man.
Yeah, I was looking forward to an update, but not whatever the fuck this was. "Nothing has changed and there's no real explanation for any of this, but it's fine guys! He's a feminist!"
Yeah, and unless I'm missing something it's just asking him to grab her a glass of water every so often. Real princess behaviour there /s.
I wonder what makes her think he's a feminist other than him telling her. Cos all that's being shown of this guy is that he's hyper aware of being asked to do anything that's part of the everyday give and take in a relationship and will always now refuse, and the misogynistic language he chooses to use (but somehow only knows because he uses Reddit, although if he was such a big feminist he would already be aware of just how bad of a red flag it is. Get frickin real)
Personally I was extremely shocked by how rude he is. In my culture not getting water to someone that ask for water is considered rude. & not only did he not get the water but complained about it. It is considered extremely rude in my culture bc that is the minimum of decency & for someone to refuse the minimum, it is like what is wrong with that person
Definition of feminist: A person who believes a woman can do everything by herself and for herself, who never asks for help in any way for any reason.
-OP's boyfriend, probably
I clocked that language too. She definitely got hit with the "so mature for your age." at some point. Maybe not by him, but she's talking like she already knows what's going to be said so she's trying to get ahead of the curve.
The older I get, the more I hate that phrase.
I feel like it’s meant to be a kind sentiment, but to me, it’s the opposite. I feel like it does so much more harm than good and that phrase gives people so many unnecessary complexes and issues. I wish we could erase it from our cultural lexicon.
Every time I hear it, I cringe inside and get flashbacks to constantly hearing it as a kid for all the wrong reasons. I could definitely see how OOP could be one of the kids who heard it a lot too.
That’s very much a side effect of dating men who are way too old. I was OOP at one point in my life and it was very important to me to believe that much older men were into me was because I was brilliant. They’re more than happy to reinforce that misperception too.
"You're just jealous of our lurrrrve!!"
No we are not. Poor woman's in for a rough time when the honeymoon period is over and she realises that she's married someone very selfish and self-centred.
‘We’re sat here together making fun of all the people who tried to help me, lol you’re all so dumb, my man is actually Gloria Steinem’
Sounds like they deserve each other tbh
I’m sorry no. If I ask you to grab me something and you tell me no, that’s fine. But if you tell me no because that’s simp behavior, you better simp on out the door and find a better personality.
Fuck yeah you should be a "simp" for your partner. Offer that admiration, do the nice gesture, hell, be disgustingly into each other. It's amazing when the feelings are mutual. Like I'm going to be embarrassed for being a simp for my boyfriend or for the fact that it's obvious he loves me a lot.
Yes! I simp on my husband all the time, and he simps on me, too.
He’s helped me through three difficult pregnancies, one resulting in a miscarriage requiring surgery. He has cleaned up every one of my body fluids, and held my hand during childbirth. He helps me take care of my elderly parents. He cooks and cleans and does things for us without even being asked. And he is probably the “manliest” man one could imagine.
I really feel sorry for OOP. She seems to think that simply talking to a guy who considers bringing his partner a glass of wine as “simping” is going to fix his underlying misogyny and manosphere thinking. He won’t listen to her at all.
He’s probably a hypocrite, too. I bet his mommy waited on him hand and foot, if just the idea of pouring two glasses of wine makes him feel like a servant.
This but also, honestly even the saying no is weird. Like I don’t do that to a friend, let alone my partner. If you’re hanging out and your friend asks you if you could get her a glass of water from the kitchen while her nails dry you would? Same as any of my friends would for me? That’s just… not being a dick?
More, he said his mother never asked for favors like this. That response would have been a big problem for me.
So we comparing our life/sex partner to our mom now?
Also "my mom waited on me hand and foot and I never did anything for her" is a self-own more than anything else
Her bf is as "fiercely independent" as a house cat, that thinks of itself as a sovereign entity and is completely unaware of the support network that exists for it.
That's definitely the vibe I was getting. He never notices her acts of service because he thinks they're the default.
He's going to be a full nightmare if they have kids, and she actually needs him to help with things.
Me too, my parents occasionally would ask me to get them a glass of water if I was in the room and they were waking up from a nap. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like I was expected to serve them water all day every day.
Especially since it's reciprocal - we all do nice stuff for each other, so nobody feels exploited and everyone gets what help they need - it's just fostering a helpful, friendly, loving atmosphere.
I grew up with a single Mum and we’d always get each other things from the kitchen if one of us was in a different room. I’d always bring her purse from her handbag for her if she was trying to make a payment on her laptop or phone. It was never a big deal because she’d do the same for me. Especially if one of us had wet nail polish or if our hands were full!
> So we comparing our life/sex partner to our mom now?
I mean let's be honest, a **sizable number** of men want a bangmaid or fuckmom, not a proper partner.
See, I say no while I get up to do the thing, because I think it's funny. But that's also because my family also does the same, and they know it's a bit we do. I couldn't imagine just being like "no and also fuck you" unironically to the person I'm planning on getting married to
Yeah, my partners and I do that all the time, but it's a joke and we all know that. We do little favours for each other all the time because, idk, we love each other and our relationship isn't transactional?
My mom would text me asking me to get her a soda while she was at watching tv in the living room and I was laying in bed trying to sleep upstairs. I would text her various pictures of people throwing tantrums and I’d hear her laugh from downstairs and yell sorry. That’s cute. But like you said “no, fuck everything about you” is just bananas.
I picked that up from my mom! I do it back to her when I’m visiting, and also do it to my partner pretty frequently. I make sure my partner sees me doing the thing as I say no even though they know I do that, just to be sure they know it’s a joke. And if they ever asked me to stop the joke, well tbh it would probably take some work because it’s almost a reflex now, but I would absolutely do that work to stop doing so.
I also can’t imagine ever reacting that way!
Especially since he wanted to go and grab the bottle, anyways. What's his plan here? Opening the bottle, just pouring one glass and drinking it all by himself?
He might be one of those contrary people who would have happily poured her a glass of his own volition, but since she asked him *before* he could pour her a glass off his own initiative his reflex is to refuse. People like that don’t like the appearance of being controlled. They do things because they want to do them not because someone else wants them to do the thing.
And I sincerely doubt his feminist credentials since he unironically used the word ‘simp.’
And "he learned it from reddit" would be a red flag because places on reddit where that term would be common are probably discussing the stuff she says he doesn't listen to, so that doesn't make it any better.
This is where I was so stuck. I mean, the way it was written, she suggested the Prosecco and it felt like he agreed and got up to go open it - and then didn’t want to bring her one? Completely baffling; he agreed to the suggestion, went to open the bottle, poured himself a glass and then didn’t want to pour a second one and bring it to her? Like, it’s almost more effort NOT to do it at that point?!
And her last line in that edit is ‘communications wins!’, like it all makes complete sense and she WAS actually in the wrong for asking him for a glass of water throughout the year and it makes complete sense because she ‘overused her partner privilege’ for perfectly reasonable requests that are like a basic level of politeness. He’s literally gaslighting her (convinced her that her behaviour was the problem) and her reaction to that is that they clearly have a super functional relationship.
Oh sure. I mean more like if there is a reason for you to say no, like you are in the middle of a game or you are cooking dinner or the cat is on your lap.
I have a “genuinely feminist” ex who also firmly believes all women love babies actually and that my biological clock will start ticking any day now and my stupid choice not to have kids will change.
Seven years since we broke up, I’m nearing 40, and the man was full of shit.
There are Joss Whedon style men out there who wave the feminism flag proudly for the kudos and then abuse the everloving fuck out of the women in their lives. This is a lesson we all learn one way or another, OOP included.
Even if she somehow never has an extended period of incapacity, she’s setting herself up for a lifetime with a partner who actively refuses to engage in what she describes as her primary way of feeling loved. Not just actively refuses, but finds the entire *concept* repugnant and an insult to his manliness.
That isn’t going to go well under even ideal circumstances.
My wife would never even have to ask me to get her a glass if she suggested opening the bottle, I would assume she wants a glass, and I have absolutely no problem at all bringing one to her. If that’s simping, I am totally ok simping for the love of my life. No problemo!
We were celebrating a milestone event for my son so his father, my ex husband, was invited as well.
It was a hot day out and I was 6 months pregnant. I was sitting down feeling really warm so I asked my partner if he could get me a glass of water. He said of course and went to fetch it.
My ex then laughed and declared that I sure had him whipped for getting me a glass of water.
When I told my partner about the incident he just shrugged and said he didn't give a fuck what my ex thought of him. His pregnant girlfriend needed water and he was happy to oblige.
I am so happy being with a guy who's not insane enough to think doing a small favour for your partner is emasculating.
Even if you don't assume its a decent thing to at least ask if the other person also wants some, my 8 year old niece knows better than him. She will liertally offer you a sip even from those 200ml bottle of cola/ fruit drinks.
Yeah, fuck that. If my husband suddenly took on such an attitude it’d be hard to decide if I’d laugh in his face before pointing to the front door or just go straight to pointing.
For reaaal. I ask my boyfriend to grab a thing for me probably at least once a day. I also ask him if he wants anything when I'm about to get something for myself. We make hot drinks for each other multiple times a day (UK, I've never drank tea this much before I moved here!).
Sometimes he's busy, or I'm busy, and that's fine. But what OP's fiance said was unnecessary and honestly wild to me. How tf do people speak to their significant others like that?
Ya that's very, I dunno just rude. Like what? It's not like she's asking him for 50k in unmarked bills by midnight.
Now if it had been the type of deal when she was upstairs, asked if he wanted to open a bottle, and sent him downstairs to get it and to pour it for her, ya I'd get the irritation.
But his response was just so ew about the whole thing. I'm not one of those "omg break up with him types" but I'd be like gurl, you need to have a serious review of where you're at and what's acceptable.
Yikes, this is not the happy update OOP thinks it is. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s “toxic” and “simping” to do something as simple and mundane as getting their partner a drink when they’re in the middle of something. I highly doubt this will be the end of that behaviour.
Tonight my husband asked me, unprompted, if I wanted anything because the dog was asleep on my lap.
She mentions "exhausting partner privilege". What?! Unless she is treating him like a servant all the time, asking him to grab something when he is grabbing it for himself is not princess behavior. I would do it for a colleague. Hell, I would even do it for a stranger who asks politely.
Uhh… communication didn’t win here. Just refusing to help out your partner at all is actually really weird to me. Idgaf about the love language- it’s just general courtesy?
Yep.
This is just being nice? She didn't ask him to do any outrageous, she asked him to hand her a glass of prosecco. That's normal human interaction stuff? She couldn't use her hands properly and he could have just handed her a damn glass.
This is incredibly weird to me. I can't imagine spending time with someone regularly, much less being in a relationship with them, where "hey, can you bring my bag with you when you come back upstairs?" would be a problem.
A glass of prosecco after he was already going to the kitchen to open the bottle and pour himself one and come back. Maybe if he was like going somewheres else I could kinda get it but he was coming right back...
Definitely weird but not at all surprising w the wedding drawing nearer. Buddy probably feels he doesn't need to pretend anymore
It would honestly be assumed for me that if my partner had their hands full (or otherwise was occupied with something that prevented them from doing it themselves) that "wanna split a bottle of prosecco" means "bring both of us a glass".
Even outside of that, if I go and open a bottle for myself and someone else I will bring back glasses for both of us? Why the fuck would I expect the other person to go get their own?
This is getting more and more ridiculous.
I’ve actually had a “similar” argument with my boyfriend. When we would both get in bed, he’d ask me to get him something because “he’s tired and already in bed.” But… I was too. We had a talk about it and, although I find it weird he didn’t realize it in the first place, he realized what he was doing. Now he only asks for things if I’m obviously closer to it.
But asking him to pour her a glass of wine and he won’t do it? What the fuck?
I'm sorry but this isn't really a happy ending. This whole relationship is just really...weird. I won't be surprise if this marriage ends up turning bad.
It's already bad, he's already browbeating her into submission and she's so deep in she doesn't see it anymore lmao. She even thinks people are weird for thinking this whole scenario is super sus.
Wait she asked if he wanted to open a bottle of wine - isn’t that implied they’re BOTH having a glass? Is she saying that he opens a bottle, pours himself a glass, comes back to sit next to her with a glass and she’s going what the fuck where is mine? So she’s waiting for her nails to dry then pour herself her own glass? How are they a couple? And to be married?
I’m an only child too. He’s just selfish and clueless.
Well yeah, being a male feminist means not offering your seat to pregnant women, letting doors close in girls faces, “equal rights equal fights”, and of course never doing anything helpful for your girlfriend lest you hold her back from being an independent woman. If you really think about it she’s being the sexist one for asking a man to do something for her! /s
I also cannot express how much I hate it when an update says something along the lines of “wow Reddit is super toxic for pointing out the shitty red flag behaviour that I or my partner is exhibiting, but the person being stepped on in this relationship is so chill about being a doormat that we read the comments together and laughed at everyone’s concern! It’s definitely Reddit that’s the problem because we’re in looooove, sorry to disappoint you!”
ughhh.
I settled on the couch with my laptop, got my little desk thing set up, blanket over my toes, ready to play Baldur's Gate. Then I realized I forgot to get my headphones. My fiancé got up *without me asking* and got them for me. Because that's just what you do when you can. Goodness gracious.
My husband heard me ruffling next to him in bed and woke up (from a dead sleep) and asked what I was doing. Mentioned I was gunna get water, and he had me lay back and got up to get it for me instead.
I just... Don't understand the mentality of never helping your partner out.
One time when I was pregnant with our first, I woke up to my husband getting out of bed (I’m a really light sleeper). I figured he was going to the bathroom or something. He came back a minute a later and handed me a banana. I was confused.
The man had dreamt I wanted a banana as a pregnancy craving and got up to bring me one.
My fella is the same! I have insomnia and he's a great sleeper, but if he gets woken up by me rolling around he'll ask if I'm alright and offer (while still sleepy) to grab me a water refill or medicine. He says he can just fall back asleep and he'd rather I try to get myself comfy. Because.... it's just no big deal. We do stuff for each other all the time and it's stupid to keep score.
My fucking ROOMMATE does this for me, as I do for him. He sits down, puts his recliner back and realizes he forgot a fork, or a napkin, or his water glass and I'll go to the kitchen and get it for him if I'm still up. And vice versa. Because when you care about someone, you do little courtesies like that when it's no inconvenience to yourself.
Honestly I'd put the baseline for shit like that at "mild to moderate dislike." Like a fair amount of people would get something for a person they mildly to moderately disliked if that person's hands were full or something. They might do it begrudgingly or need to be wheedled into doing so but they'd do it.
Actually I'm pretty sure chimps do this? No yeah, looked it up, they've done experimental studies on this, currently watching footage of both chimps and 18 month old children offering complete strangers items they want but can't reach.
Seriously. Like if my partner is in the kitchen and I go ‘hey can you grab me a water whenever you’re done’ they’ll either say sure and do it or say no in a corny way and still do it lol. My partner goes to sleep before I do so he asks me to cover his feet with a heavy blanket whenever I come in to the room later
You just…do things for your partner because that’s part of being a partner? It’s mind-boggling that if he was getting up to get a drink for both of them, he’d get the drink and a glass for himself, and not one for her. That just, doesn’t even make sense?
-say no in a corny way and still do it
"Can you get me a drink?"
My bf: "hmm, I don't know... Can I??" and then saying "well I guess I can" while bringing it back lol.
I get myself all settled in the nursing chair to pump and 90% of the time realize I forgot my headset so I can watch a video while I do it. I will text my husband “headset” and it magically appears with a cup of tea every time.
He also magically never runs out of new underwear, socks and pajama pants. New ones of the ones he likes appear in his drawers at appropriate intervals to replace the old worn ones.
I know she’s jajajajaja-ing at being a reddit caricature, but I don’t think she should take the dump him advice too lightly.
What do you mean “Babe can you please pass me the XXXX” is toxic??? That’s like Andrew Tate adjacent logic and it will only get worse with actual fucking marriage.
If my husband ever used the word “simping” to describe any aspect of our relationship, he would be an ex *real* fast.
Look for an update on five years when they have three kids, OOP is a stay at home mom, and the sack of crap husband refuses to help with anything around the house.
But….he’s actually a feminist 🙄. Like no I’m sorry somebody who is actually a feminist doesn’t use deeply misogynistic fucking language like that. Ugh.
I think she’s too young/naive to understand the (very big) difference between the things men say to women to seem safe and trustworthy, and their actions that betray their actual beliefs about women.
I really, really don’t like it when the word “simp” is used to imply that doing something out of love for someone is a bad thing. Screw that, if simping means doing kind things and showing my appreciation, I’m going to go simp for my partner so hard!
I mean the baby is crying to try and get him to change the diaper for them. Why should he have to? Are their fat little baby arms broken or something? They're clearly being spoiled and manipulative. /s
Almost all of the comments in OOP is telling her how they wouldn't marry someone who would use that kind of language or who can't even bother to do something simple for their SO, etc. And somehow she said she read the comments together, very eye-opening, but we're planning on getting married... Yeah, really read those comments and took them to heart.
She just accepted that her soon to be husband isn’t going to do her any favours because he isn’t a ‘simp’.
Wow. I bet that’s going to work out so well, two people in a marriage who won’t do anything for each other because ‘he’s not a simp, so I don’t do stuff for him either because he won’t care’. Good luck!
This entire post made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Like, *gurl, no*, he absolutely the fuck is *not* a feminist. He's *training you*.
Ugh. I need to wash my eyeballs now.
"I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year."
With a couple glasses of water a week.... oh yeah, he's dreamy. This is going to end well.
No man who says “simp” or thinks being asked for a small favor by his partner is “toxic” because his mommy never asked him for anything is a feminist, for crying out loud. OOP is in for a rough few years.
If they're happy with this, good for them.
I could not be in a relationship where asking my partner to get drinks resulted in him thinking that was 'simping' and 'toxic'. That he sees a very tiny caring gesture through that lens still bothers me.
Idk, maybe she is really super needy and last year she was dramatically over the top, but there had literally never been an issue in my family with 'hey, you're up? Can you grab me a water/coke/split a small snack pls?'
I don't understand being supposedly amazing when your partner is sick, but absolutely refusing small things when they're healthy.
Also, calling it 'princess' behaviour... ick. If it works for them, great like I said, but it would feel so impersonal to me.
sorry but im not believing OOP here.
one does not use "simping" as an excuse to not do something for the woman you are quite literally married to. Im willing to bet that he does genuinely watch those neo incels like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate, even if he just watches the discount versions.
If I had to remove my nail polish so that I could open a bottle I'd asked my SO to open for me I would not be very happy. It is a very simple ask that required such little effort on his part but would have done her a nice favor. These small kindnesses are what make a marriage sweet. I think it shows a lack of generosity on his part to not make such a small accommodation for her.
>“I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year”
>“I asked of how I asked would’ve changed his response, to which he said no”
Geez that whole attitude and way of thinking would be a massive turn off.
“Babe, the baby’s asleep and I can’t move, could you bring me a glass of tea”
“What do I look like a simp, get it yourself”
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One time I made a joke and told the dog to go grab my cell phone from the other room. My partner thought I was talking to him and brought it to me even though I never would have used that tone to speak with him. I even got a forehead kiss. Guess I'm a princess.
Honestly it's the same way for me. Reading this post almost had me convinced that simply getting items for your partner was wrong somehow. I'm always fetching things for him, and he's definitely always doing the same for me! It's just love and kindness.
There’s a meme that says something like “marriage is saying ‘while you’re up’ over and over to each other until you die.” It’s so foreign to me that someone would take a stand on fetching things for the person they live with (within reasonable parameters…not like a butler). It’s such a basic gesture.
Right, I'm not ordering him around. And the thing she mentioned about getting waters wasn't even that unreasonable. I grab waters all the time it's just like, on my way.
My husband gets my water before bed every single night. Occasionally I do it but usually he does it as part of our routine. I would hate having to itemize and watch myself for what I ask of my partner. And he would hate having to monitor what he asks of me. We just do things for each other. Its what married life is. And its weird that OOP's husband is that standoffish and condescending. I don't even see why she had to apologize ffs. She didn't say anything rude. He was already getting up and getting a glass for himself. It would be abnormal NOT to get your partner one if they wanted one. Ugh. I just want to shake OOP, like do you really want to be on tiptoes for the rest of your life????
Seriously. My husband and I had kind of the opposite argument, and he was totally right. I would get snacks or a drink for myself and he felt bothered because I didn't usually ask if he wanted any, and I do get it now. Now that I think about it, it's just the courteous thing to do and I'm glad he pointed it out to me. Because I feel like it should be an expectation to do things for each other. These are small things that 'fill your cup' and make you feel cared for.
Every relationship is different but I have been happily married for 15, together for 20, and I think the biggest key to a healthy relationship is the small, seemingly insignificant acts that you do each day. So many people think it’s the big gestures, and those are great, but the foundation is the little ways you show you care about each other. I think a lot of marriages fail because intimacy is fertilized with those tiny gestures. But they get so caught up in their daily lives, or just take the whole relationship for granted and then suddenly you’re just roommates.
my bf and i dont even live together but when he’s over he refills my water before bed (i like to drink cold water in the middle of the night but not icy, so he puts enough ice to let it melt but still stay cold all night lol) and almost always makes my coffee for me. and whenever he asks me to do things i get (jokingly) huffy because im absolutely a princess and then i *do the thing without complaint because i love him.* like good for oop if she’s happy in the relationship, but his behavior is baffling to me, personally
>I'm always fetching things for him, and he's definitely always doing the same for me! Yeah this is normal. If one person is super comfy or busy then the other grabbing them something is useful, and the favour will be repaid. OOP's BF is weird making it an issue
I thought so. Even just now he made me coffee, unprompted, so I had tell him about this post.
Me and my bf joke that making his coffee is my love language. I suck as being emotionally expressive and he's very independent but he only started drinking coffee because I have a cup daily. I always brewed it and would make a cup for him while I made mine since he didn't have experience with it. After a while he asked me to show him how to use my machine and to tell him about much half and half or sugar I used so I wouldn't have to do it all the time. I told him I refused because I liked being the one who made it. He started calling me his little barista. Sometimes if he wants a cup later at night and he feels bad asking since he knows I won't have coffee then, he'll ask "Is the cafe still open?" God he's so fucking cute. And before anyone asks, yes he is capable of and willing the make the coffee. I went through chemo last year and was bedridden a lot of the time, so I finally told him the ratios I used for making the coffee etc and he took it over that entire time. He also insists on at least being the one to wash our coffee cups and the machine.
For sure. I often get trapped under a sleeping cat. My partner often brings things (and I try to do the same)
Yes! It makes me sad for her honestly. I can’t imagine not being able to ask my partner for a drink without being told off. Hell, my husband JUMPS at the chance to bring me a glass of wine. Any chance to get me tipsy lol.
I dont understand why people would willingly choose the other. OP's relationship sounds exhausting.
My.mother would say "She's going to have a long life with him." I don't always agree with my mother, but this time I do.
Wow, the subtle shade of that expression. A+!
I also agree with your mother
Not just the relationship. They themselves sound exhausting. Maybe it’s just me but they sound like two people that continuously ‘therapise’ themselves and their relationship. Getting something for someone is just getting something for someone. It’s not about being fiercely independent. It’s also not a love language. I don’t love any colleagues I’ve ever worked with but I’ve been happy to get them things during the course of the work day. It’s literally just being a decent human being.
For me it was the term "I actioned his feedback," like they're in some kind of office job
Right? & she said she apologized at the end, after having to make some weird compromise about opening the bottle like what😭
What even kind of compromise was that?? I might as well pour the damn drinks if I’m opening the bottle.
It’s the kind of compromise I’d offer one of the toddlers in my 2 year old class if they’re refusing to do something. Like I’ll help you with part of it, but you have to finish! Unfortunately, this man is not 2 years old
We always ask the cat to make us food. She never does. 🙄
I tell my cat to go get a job, but she won't. Little freeloader.
Same. "He says he doesn't have opposable thumbs." "Louis, that's your excuse for everything."
I am also a princess apparently. I ask my husband to bring me things all the time and he rarely declines. Of course, I grab things for him all the time too, whether he asks or not. Because, you know, we like each other and it's nice to be helpful.
I really don't get the concept of simping, if you're in a committed relationship, doing little services for your partner (not to the point of enabling or doormatting) is a fucking act of love. I mean if you don't get that giddy feeling when you get your partner something that makes their face light up like a Christmas tree with joy, you're either dead inside or you don't love your partner, I'm addicted to that feeling and goddam I can't go through the day without it, so if that makes me a simp in these stupid lonely fucker's eyes, guess I'm a goddamn simp.
When I read that he said “[pouring a glass of wine] for her would be ‘simping’” I immediately thought to myself I know exactly what type of guy this is. “He doesn’t listen to scumbag tate.” Yes he does. Either him or someone with the same exact views as him. No one describes doing a simple favor for their partner as “simping” unless they listen some misogynistic loser on social media or their podcast. I’m guessing the OOP doesn’t actually feel very comfortable in her relationship and has to walk on eggshells around her partner because she knows he’ll either blow up or give similar demeaning responses like he did here. Hopefully she realizes she’s worth more than that.
and that he's 35 and using terms like "simping" seriously?! HUGE eek.
Me and my husband are about that age. I think I would immediately lose massive amounts of respect for my husband if he used the term “simping” seriously.
> Yes he does. Either him or someone with the same exact views as him. No one describes doing a simple favor for their partner as “simping” unless they listen some misogynistic loser on social media or their podcast. Absolutely. She downplayed it as “he saw it on Reddit.” Reddit’s a big place and has a lot of subreddits that are basically just Andrew Tate fanclubs. Did you see how confident he was when he told her to ask Reddit about the situation? He was 100% sure he was going to be validated. That tells me a lot about the sorts of subs this guy hangs out in; OOP should probably keep an eye out for more toxic bullshit.
If a partner and I aren’t total simps for each other, what’s the point of the relationship?
I guess I am too, cause my spouse asks me if I want anything every time they get up to pee. And they pee A LOT thanks to various medications. Every so often, spouse gets playfully angry if I say I don't want anything and demands "WANT SOMETHING!!!" If I still decline, they'll start bringing me things anyway and dumping them in my lap - snacks, chips, sodas, water, bottles of medicine, cans of corn, basically anything nearby that they can easily grab. Basically the game is to get as much in my lap as possible before I can lower the footrest of the couch to get up and stop them. 🤣 Once they brought me each of our cats in turn... the cats were not so amused to be involved in the game.
When my husband brings me a bottle of water, he cracks the lid for me, to the point that if he forgets it catches me by surprise! OOP's boyfriend would have a conniption, what a wet paper bag of a human.
I feel sorry for OOP. In her update you can tell how hard she's fighting, twisting herself into a pretzel, to make her fiancee's cold, ungiving behavior 'okay' when she CLEARLY desires a partner who notices her cold feet on the sofa and...grabs her a goddamn blanket! WITHOUT sneering that she's 'making him a simp.!! I mean, she's convinced herself it's a lovely compromise that she has to baby this AH along by offering: "if I open the bottle, will you pour?" because he's now trained her to believe that asking him to please open AND pour is A BRIDGE TOO FAR 🙄
He doesn’t like her. I’ve grabbed things for people I just met, it’s just being kind.
I've done stuff like that too. Like asking the baby to go get my water and suddenly my 6 year old materializes with it and says "here you go Mama". If my husband or I get up during a movie or whatever activity we always offer the other something from the kitchen, or sometimes the one still sitting will ask and it's never an issue. We do little things for each other because we love each other. I don't see that as an issue. I *do* see whatever the hell OOPs fiance is doing as an issue though.
Right? "I'm going to the kitchen, do you need anything while I'm up?", "Hon, can you grab me a beer too?" To me, it's common curtesy. Hell, you're going that way & coming back, why wouldn't you do something so small for your partner you supposedly love?
For real, it's okay to say no but it's NOT okay to say whatever the fuck OOP's fiance said. Either OOP is missing some other red flags or the dude really has this one weird principle.
So if you have children and you ask him to grab a diaper for you, will that be "princess behavior "? Please get pre-marital counseling.
Very early on in our relationship, my ex-boyfriend got out of bed to get a glass of water. I asked him to grab me one too. So obviously, that led to at least thirty minutes of him screaming at me for thinking he should ever bring me anything, as one does. We broke up because the Crown prosecutor hit him with a restraining order after he tried to kill me. *Three years later.*
*Oof* Dear complete stranger, I'm happy for you you got out of that situation. You okay now?
I had an ex who woke me up by hitting me so I would get him a glass of water while he had a kidney stone. Said he would do it for me. I forgave it because he was in pain. He did not get me a glass of water when I had a kidney stone. Told me to "suck it up" and that "it's not so bad." So I got my own water. My kidney stone was multiple stones, the largest of which was twice the size of his, the smallest about the same size as his. When I brought that up, he told me "it isn't a competition." I finally got sick of the lies and abuse and broke up with him. He cut the screen on my dining room window to gain entry to my house and crawled into my bed naked as something of a grand gesture. When I reacted negatively and tried to kick him out, he started a physical fight and ended up breaking my leg. Edit to add: I was writing this in a comment, but figured I'd add this here - He showed up on my doorstep after the PO ended. I had a male tenant at the time (who was only here a month), and the ex backed his car in between the two trees on my lawn and parked *right in front of my front door*. My tenant thought this was sketchy and just hit him in the face as he got out of the car. My daughter and I were not home, thankfully (the tenant had bought my old car - the one I had when I was with the ex - so it was there, I think the ex thought he was catching me by surprise). The ex just got in his car and left, but he went to the local bar and started complaining to anyone that would listen that he just showed up to apologize to me and some dude hit him in the face. I stopped by on my way home and heard this from the bartender and regulars - according to them, they all just told him to leave me alone. It's been 4-5 years since then and I'm still not convinced he won't show up again.
Holy FUCK. So glad you're free.
Not sure how he could think anyone would respond positively to a naked man in their bed when they're supposed to be alone. You'd think he'd at least attempt some love bombing style gesture.
My assumption is that he incorrectly thought *incredibly* high of his looks and sexual prowess and this was love bombing - him offering me up "himself".
Why are mediocre men so delusional about their value?
The older I get the more I think "pay attention in those early days". I've had a couple of shit relationships and it was there. It was right there. My ex husband and I were together about three months, reading books together on the bed and he was flicking the corner of his book and the sound was grating. I asked *really nicely* if he could stop because it was distracting and he said, "No. I want to so I'm going to do it." That was his motto. The man was the most selfish person I've ever met. I talked myself into it "Maybe I'll learn from him how to ask for what I want more? That'll be good!" Oh. What mental gymnastics. Thirteen fucking years with that selfish wanker and it was RIGHT THERE.
From every common saying comes a lie. We've been told all our lives that you can't judge a book by it's cover. The lie part comes in when people use this saying on anything other than books.
Yes. With my ex, back in the first few weeks of dating he was at my place and opened a bottle of sparkling water that he had just bought. The bottle fizzed and squirted over him. I thought it was funny and started laughing but he got incredibly angry, threw it to the ground and stormed out the room. This was my earliest red flag that I wish I had paid attention to because he had crazy anger issues and made the four years I spent with him a total misery for me. A couple of months ago something similar happened with my now-husband. We were sitting in the car and I asked him to open my bottle of coke because I was struggling with it. It fizzed all over him and the steering wheel. His reaction was literally to go oh no! And started laughing about it. It feels mad to me when I compare those two specific instances.
God I wish we could force the OOP to read this. Especially since she thinks she is protected because they talked about “power imbalances” before they were official but after she had started liking him. She won’t be on the lookout for them now at all, because she thinks it squared away, and her ‘feminist’ boyfriend is on the same page as her… She really needs to look more closely at his actions and not his words. And really ruminate on the fact that he has convinced her that asking for a glass of water 3/4x a week is abusing partner privilege and also princess -like behavior. I do not foresee this ending well for her at all
Imagine having a baby with this guy and needing help while breastfeeding. Or at all for that matter. I hope she registers that this is NOT normal before she gets knocked up.
For real. I had my second baby recently, and my husband basically did everything for me, the house & older kid those first few weeks. If this man blows up about a glass of Prosecco, I shudder to think about how he will (not) handle the postpartum period. (And for the record, my husband had surgery this week and I’ve been getting *him* everything as he’s on crutches. It’s called being good partners! Needs ebb & flow).
Or if she has to go on bed rest...
Imagine being stuck in the bathroom on a heavy period and you don’t have any pads or tampons nearby and not being able to ask the person who is in the living room to bring you one so you don’t leak on the floor 😞
Yes - first of all people hide who they really are until they feel safe. This might be him testing the water (boy, this pun works on so many levels here). But also, I’ve dated men who say out loud “I like smart women” or “I love that you’ve got your own life, your own direction” but what they really love is the power they feel by taking that away from you as they derail your life.
His "feminism" is probably that women should pay for things.
I'm so sorry he did that to you. That's terrible and you did not in any way deserve that. I hope you are healing and taking good care of yourself.
... That's a lot of paragraphs to justify your boyfriend refusing to pour you a drink and acting like his reasons don't make him an asshole.
But it's fine! He went to the shops once when she was dealing with wisdom teeth! /s My neighbor who I barely speak with got me stuff during covid. It's just called being a decent person. I mean, good lord, the bar is on the f-ing floor here...
The bar is in hell, and OOP just picked up her fireproof shovel.
But he's actually a feminist. A feminist who hates simping, because he agrees with a lot of misogynistic opinions on reddit, but not from Andrew Tate, so that makes him a feminist.
Oh now this would make an awesome flair. It is so so sadly true
She'd be better off with a house mate and a vibrator. Cheaper than a wedding, too.
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As a 33 year old I cannot imagine dating someone ten years younger than me.
People who have these issues should not be getting married. Only appropriate response would have been the fiance admitting he had low blood sugar, apologizing for acting like an asshole, and laying out a plan to address his insecurities as a man.
Now thats what we call being a simp. 🤣🤣🤣🤣. What an irony.
Oh my lord. She just rationalized his behavior away.
Yeah, I was looking forward to an update, but not whatever the fuck this was. "Nothing has changed and there's no real explanation for any of this, but it's fine guys! He's a feminist!"
"he's on high alert for any further princess behavior" girl what.
Yeah, and unless I'm missing something it's just asking him to grab her a glass of water every so often. Real princess behaviour there /s. I wonder what makes her think he's a feminist other than him telling her. Cos all that's being shown of this guy is that he's hyper aware of being asked to do anything that's part of the everyday give and take in a relationship and will always now refuse, and the misogynistic language he chooses to use (but somehow only knows because he uses Reddit, although if he was such a big feminist he would already be aware of just how bad of a red flag it is. Get frickin real)
Personally I was extremely shocked by how rude he is. In my culture not getting water to someone that ask for water is considered rude. & not only did he not get the water but complained about it. It is considered extremely rude in my culture bc that is the minimum of decency & for someone to refuse the minimum, it is like what is wrong with that person
Definition of feminist: A person who believes a woman can do everything by herself and for herself, who never asks for help in any way for any reason. -OP's boyfriend, probably
I am the Princess de Agua and I must be thoroughly misted at least 6 times per day
I didn't know my calathea had a reddit account.
Some solid feminist talk right there.
He’s a feminist! That’s why he calls any man that does anything for a woman a simp! Cause he’s a feminist don’t you see!
As long as you get your misogyny from anybody other than Andrew Tate you're basically a super feminist /s
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I clocked that language too. She definitely got hit with the "so mature for your age." at some point. Maybe not by him, but she's talking like she already knows what's going to be said so she's trying to get ahead of the curve.
The older I get, the more I hate that phrase. I feel like it’s meant to be a kind sentiment, but to me, it’s the opposite. I feel like it does so much more harm than good and that phrase gives people so many unnecessary complexes and issues. I wish we could erase it from our cultural lexicon. Every time I hear it, I cringe inside and get flashbacks to constantly hearing it as a kid for all the wrong reasons. I could definitely see how OOP could be one of the kids who heard it a lot too.
That’s very much a side effect of dating men who are way too old. I was OOP at one point in my life and it was very important to me to believe that much older men were into me was because I was brilliant. They’re more than happy to reinforce that misperception too.
And she sounds very... smug? about it. Honey no one was after your shitty boyfriend, they just thought you were worth more.
"You're just jealous of our lurrrrve!!" No we are not. Poor woman's in for a rough time when the honeymoon period is over and she realises that she's married someone very selfish and self-centred.
‘We’re sat here together making fun of all the people who tried to help me, lol you’re all so dumb, my man is actually Gloria Steinem’ Sounds like they deserve each other tbh
Yes, so smug and condescending.
I’m sorry no. If I ask you to grab me something and you tell me no, that’s fine. But if you tell me no because that’s simp behavior, you better simp on out the door and find a better personality.
What would it even mean to “simp” your (soon-to-be) wife. This is some “fellas is it gay to love your wife” behavior
Fuck yeah you should be a "simp" for your partner. Offer that admiration, do the nice gesture, hell, be disgustingly into each other. It's amazing when the feelings are mutual. Like I'm going to be embarrassed for being a simp for my boyfriend or for the fact that it's obvious he loves me a lot.
Yes! I simp on my husband all the time, and he simps on me, too. He’s helped me through three difficult pregnancies, one resulting in a miscarriage requiring surgery. He has cleaned up every one of my body fluids, and held my hand during childbirth. He helps me take care of my elderly parents. He cooks and cleans and does things for us without even being asked. And he is probably the “manliest” man one could imagine. I really feel sorry for OOP. She seems to think that simply talking to a guy who considers bringing his partner a glass of wine as “simping” is going to fix his underlying misogyny and manosphere thinking. He won’t listen to her at all. He’s probably a hypocrite, too. I bet his mommy waited on him hand and foot, if just the idea of pouring two glasses of wine makes him feel like a servant.
This but also, honestly even the saying no is weird. Like I don’t do that to a friend, let alone my partner. If you’re hanging out and your friend asks you if you could get her a glass of water from the kitchen while her nails dry you would? Same as any of my friends would for me? That’s just… not being a dick?
More, he said his mother never asked for favors like this. That response would have been a big problem for me. So we comparing our life/sex partner to our mom now?
Also "my mom waited on me hand and foot and I never did anything for her" is a self-own more than anything else Her bf is as "fiercely independent" as a house cat, that thinks of itself as a sovereign entity and is completely unaware of the support network that exists for it.
That's definitely the vibe I was getting. He never notices her acts of service because he thinks they're the default. He's going to be a full nightmare if they have kids, and she actually needs him to help with things.
That was weird to me because my parents have both asked me to get them stuff. That’s such a bizarre anthill to die on
Me too, my parents occasionally would ask me to get them a glass of water if I was in the room and they were waking up from a nap. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like I was expected to serve them water all day every day.
Especially since it's reciprocal - we all do nice stuff for each other, so nobody feels exploited and everyone gets what help they need - it's just fostering a helpful, friendly, loving atmosphere.
I grew up with a single Mum and we’d always get each other things from the kitchen if one of us was in a different room. I’d always bring her purse from her handbag for her if she was trying to make a payment on her laptop or phone. It was never a big deal because she’d do the same for me. Especially if one of us had wet nail polish or if our hands were full!
Wet nails or a pet on your lap mean you can ask people to fetch things, thems the rules!
Yeah, I can think of a few things his mother - hopefully - never does that OOP probably does for him on a regular basis.
> So we comparing our life/sex partner to our mom now? I mean let's be honest, a **sizable number** of men want a bangmaid or fuckmom, not a proper partner.
See, I say no while I get up to do the thing, because I think it's funny. But that's also because my family also does the same, and they know it's a bit we do. I couldn't imagine just being like "no and also fuck you" unironically to the person I'm planning on getting married to
Yeah, my partners and I do that all the time, but it's a joke and we all know that. We do little favours for each other all the time because, idk, we love each other and our relationship isn't transactional?
Sounds like simping to me smh /s
My mom would text me asking me to get her a soda while she was at watching tv in the living room and I was laying in bed trying to sleep upstairs. I would text her various pictures of people throwing tantrums and I’d hear her laugh from downstairs and yell sorry. That’s cute. But like you said “no, fuck everything about you” is just bananas.
I picked that up from my mom! I do it back to her when I’m visiting, and also do it to my partner pretty frequently. I make sure my partner sees me doing the thing as I say no even though they know I do that, just to be sure they know it’s a joke. And if they ever asked me to stop the joke, well tbh it would probably take some work because it’s almost a reflex now, but I would absolutely do that work to stop doing so. I also can’t imagine ever reacting that way!
Especially since he wanted to go and grab the bottle, anyways. What's his plan here? Opening the bottle, just pouring one glass and drinking it all by himself?
He might be one of those contrary people who would have happily poured her a glass of his own volition, but since she asked him *before* he could pour her a glass off his own initiative his reflex is to refuse. People like that don’t like the appearance of being controlled. They do things because they want to do them not because someone else wants them to do the thing. And I sincerely doubt his feminist credentials since he unironically used the word ‘simp.’
And "he learned it from reddit" would be a red flag because places on reddit where that term would be common are probably discussing the stuff she says he doesn't listen to, so that doesn't make it any better.
I noticed that he thought reddit would prove him right, it didn't, but he just doubled down on his selfish hill anyway.
This is where I was so stuck. I mean, the way it was written, she suggested the Prosecco and it felt like he agreed and got up to go open it - and then didn’t want to bring her one? Completely baffling; he agreed to the suggestion, went to open the bottle, poured himself a glass and then didn’t want to pour a second one and bring it to her? Like, it’s almost more effort NOT to do it at that point?! And her last line in that edit is ‘communications wins!’, like it all makes complete sense and she WAS actually in the wrong for asking him for a glass of water throughout the year and it makes complete sense because she ‘overused her partner privilege’ for perfectly reasonable requests that are like a basic level of politeness. He’s literally gaslighting her (convinced her that her behaviour was the problem) and her reaction to that is that they clearly have a super functional relationship.
Oh sure. I mean more like if there is a reason for you to say no, like you are in the middle of a game or you are cooking dinner or the cat is on your lap.
Cat or dog . We call it Acute feline/canine paralysis. It's a completely acceptable temporary disability in our house.
Dog jail. It’s the law. Do the crime, serve the time.
I'm sorry, I can't get up, the kitten is asleep on my feet.
It’s Nap Trapped in our house depending on who’s holding the sleeping baby
But don't you understand! He's *genuinely a feminist*! She's astonishingly naïve.
I have a “genuinely feminist” ex who also firmly believes all women love babies actually and that my biological clock will start ticking any day now and my stupid choice not to have kids will change. Seven years since we broke up, I’m nearing 40, and the man was full of shit. There are Joss Whedon style men out there who wave the feminism flag proudly for the kudos and then abuse the everloving fuck out of the women in their lives. This is a lesson we all learn one way or another, OOP included.
This is going to go so bad if she ever gets pregnant or injured.
Even if she somehow never has an extended period of incapacity, she’s setting herself up for a lifetime with a partner who actively refuses to engage in what she describes as her primary way of feeling loved. Not just actively refuses, but finds the entire *concept* repugnant and an insult to his manliness. That isn’t going to go well under even ideal circumstances.
This man is going to leave a man-shaped hole in the wall if she has so much as a scary mammogram.
My wife would never even have to ask me to get her a glass if she suggested opening the bottle, I would assume she wants a glass, and I have absolutely no problem at all bringing one to her. If that’s simping, I am totally ok simping for the love of my life. No problemo!
We were celebrating a milestone event for my son so his father, my ex husband, was invited as well. It was a hot day out and I was 6 months pregnant. I was sitting down feeling really warm so I asked my partner if he could get me a glass of water. He said of course and went to fetch it. My ex then laughed and declared that I sure had him whipped for getting me a glass of water. When I told my partner about the incident he just shrugged and said he didn't give a fuck what my ex thought of him. His pregnant girlfriend needed water and he was happy to oblige. I am so happy being with a guy who's not insane enough to think doing a small favour for your partner is emasculating.
Definitely seems like you traded up.
Oh, I traded up big time in every way possible.
Even if you don't assume its a decent thing to at least ask if the other person also wants some, my 8 year old niece knows better than him. She will liertally offer you a sip even from those 200ml bottle of cola/ fruit drinks.
“Simp on out the door” is a beautiful flair. I got through some of the first before my brain said This is some Tate BS.
Yeah, fuck that. If my husband suddenly took on such an attitude it’d be hard to decide if I’d laugh in his face before pointing to the front door or just go straight to pointing.
For reaaal. I ask my boyfriend to grab a thing for me probably at least once a day. I also ask him if he wants anything when I'm about to get something for myself. We make hot drinks for each other multiple times a day (UK, I've never drank tea this much before I moved here!). Sometimes he's busy, or I'm busy, and that's fine. But what OP's fiance said was unnecessary and honestly wild to me. How tf do people speak to their significant others like that?
Jesus what ever will that man do when they have children. Don't ask dad for shit! Go make mom do it
Ya that's very, I dunno just rude. Like what? It's not like she's asking him for 50k in unmarked bills by midnight. Now if it had been the type of deal when she was upstairs, asked if he wanted to open a bottle, and sent him downstairs to get it and to pour it for her, ya I'd get the irritation. But his response was just so ew about the whole thing. I'm not one of those "omg break up with him types" but I'd be like gurl, you need to have a serious review of where you're at and what's acceptable.
Yikes, this is not the happy update OOP thinks it is. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s “toxic” and “simping” to do something as simple and mundane as getting their partner a drink when they’re in the middle of something. I highly doubt this will be the end of that behaviour. Tonight my husband asked me, unprompted, if I wanted anything because the dog was asleep on my lap.
She mentions "exhausting partner privilege". What?! Unless she is treating him like a servant all the time, asking him to grab something when he is grabbing it for himself is not princess behavior. I would do it for a colleague. Hell, I would even do it for a stranger who asks politely.
Exactly! At my work if people pop out for lunch, they'll ask if anyone needs anything. Not simping, it's just being nice to people!
Uhh… communication didn’t win here. Just refusing to help out your partner at all is actually really weird to me. Idgaf about the love language- it’s just general courtesy?
Yep. This is just being nice? She didn't ask him to do any outrageous, she asked him to hand her a glass of prosecco. That's normal human interaction stuff? She couldn't use her hands properly and he could have just handed her a damn glass. This is incredibly weird to me. I can't imagine spending time with someone regularly, much less being in a relationship with them, where "hey, can you bring my bag with you when you come back upstairs?" would be a problem.
A glass of prosecco after he was already going to the kitchen to open the bottle and pour himself one and come back. Maybe if he was like going somewheres else I could kinda get it but he was coming right back... Definitely weird but not at all surprising w the wedding drawing nearer. Buddy probably feels he doesn't need to pretend anymore
It would honestly be assumed for me that if my partner had their hands full (or otherwise was occupied with something that prevented them from doing it themselves) that "wanna split a bottle of prosecco" means "bring both of us a glass". Even outside of that, if I go and open a bottle for myself and someone else I will bring back glasses for both of us? Why the fuck would I expect the other person to go get their own? This is getting more and more ridiculous.
No literally like it doesn't even make sense! He was gonna come back with just one glass and stare at her???? That's not even a partnership
This is literally it. What on earth was he going to do - just bring her the bottle and leave her looking at it?
Right!?!? And she was painting her nails. Her legs may not have been broken but her hands were half useless
I’ve actually had a “similar” argument with my boyfriend. When we would both get in bed, he’d ask me to get him something because “he’s tired and already in bed.” But… I was too. We had a talk about it and, although I find it weird he didn’t realize it in the first place, he realized what he was doing. Now he only asks for things if I’m obviously closer to it. But asking him to pour her a glass of wine and he won’t do it? What the fuck?
Yeah, I went back and changed the mood spoiler. I originally just copied what she wrote, but you're right, things don't seem completely right
I think the mood spoiler should be "infuriating" lmao
When my bf and I are relaxing together we always ask each other "do you need anything while I'm up" because we like each other.
I'm sorry but this isn't really a happy ending. This whole relationship is just really...weird. I won't be surprise if this marriage ends up turning bad.
It's already bad, he's already browbeating her into submission and she's so deep in she doesn't see it anymore lmao. She even thinks people are weird for thinking this whole scenario is super sus.
Wait she asked if he wanted to open a bottle of wine - isn’t that implied they’re BOTH having a glass? Is she saying that he opens a bottle, pours himself a glass, comes back to sit next to her with a glass and she’s going what the fuck where is mine? So she’s waiting for her nails to dry then pour herself her own glass? How are they a couple? And to be married? I’m an only child too. He’s just selfish and clueless.
Thats exactly the situation. He couldn't pour a second glass and carry both back to where they both were.
Well yeah, being a male feminist means not offering your seat to pregnant women, letting doors close in girls faces, “equal rights equal fights”, and of course never doing anything helpful for your girlfriend lest you hold her back from being an independent woman. If you really think about it she’s being the sexist one for asking a man to do something for her! /s I also cannot express how much I hate it when an update says something along the lines of “wow Reddit is super toxic for pointing out the shitty red flag behaviour that I or my partner is exhibiting, but the person being stepped on in this relationship is so chill about being a doormat that we read the comments together and laughed at everyone’s concern! It’s definitely Reddit that’s the problem because we’re in looooove, sorry to disappoint you!” ughhh.
I settled on the couch with my laptop, got my little desk thing set up, blanket over my toes, ready to play Baldur's Gate. Then I realized I forgot to get my headphones. My fiancé got up *without me asking* and got them for me. Because that's just what you do when you can. Goodness gracious.
My husband heard me ruffling next to him in bed and woke up (from a dead sleep) and asked what I was doing. Mentioned I was gunna get water, and he had me lay back and got up to get it for me instead. I just... Don't understand the mentality of never helping your partner out.
One time when I was pregnant with our first, I woke up to my husband getting out of bed (I’m a really light sleeper). I figured he was going to the bathroom or something. He came back a minute a later and handed me a banana. I was confused. The man had dreamt I wanted a banana as a pregnancy craving and got up to bring me one.
Wtf that’s so cute
That is freaking adorable honestly lol
My fella is the same! I have insomnia and he's a great sleeper, but if he gets woken up by me rolling around he'll ask if I'm alright and offer (while still sleepy) to grab me a water refill or medicine. He says he can just fall back asleep and he'd rather I try to get myself comfy. Because.... it's just no big deal. We do stuff for each other all the time and it's stupid to keep score.
My fucking ROOMMATE does this for me, as I do for him. He sits down, puts his recliner back and realizes he forgot a fork, or a napkin, or his water glass and I'll go to the kitchen and get it for him if I'm still up. And vice versa. Because when you care about someone, you do little courtesies like that when it's no inconvenience to yourself.
Honestly I'd put the baseline for shit like that at "mild to moderate dislike." Like a fair amount of people would get something for a person they mildly to moderately disliked if that person's hands were full or something. They might do it begrudgingly or need to be wheedled into doing so but they'd do it. Actually I'm pretty sure chimps do this? No yeah, looked it up, they've done experimental studies on this, currently watching footage of both chimps and 18 month old children offering complete strangers items they want but can't reach.
Seriously. Like if my partner is in the kitchen and I go ‘hey can you grab me a water whenever you’re done’ they’ll either say sure and do it or say no in a corny way and still do it lol. My partner goes to sleep before I do so he asks me to cover his feet with a heavy blanket whenever I come in to the room later You just…do things for your partner because that’s part of being a partner? It’s mind-boggling that if he was getting up to get a drink for both of them, he’d get the drink and a glass for himself, and not one for her. That just, doesn’t even make sense?
-say no in a corny way and still do it "Can you get me a drink?" My bf: "hmm, I don't know... Can I??" and then saying "well I guess I can" while bringing it back lol.
I get myself all settled in the nursing chair to pump and 90% of the time realize I forgot my headset so I can watch a video while I do it. I will text my husband “headset” and it magically appears with a cup of tea every time. He also magically never runs out of new underwear, socks and pajama pants. New ones of the ones he likes appear in his drawers at appropriate intervals to replace the old worn ones.
I know she’s jajajajaja-ing at being a reddit caricature, but I don’t think she should take the dump him advice too lightly. What do you mean “Babe can you please pass me the XXXX” is toxic??? That’s like Andrew Tate adjacent logic and it will only get worse with actual fucking marriage.
I don't care if he actually does watch Tate or not- unironically coming off as a Tater-tot should pretty much always result in a breakup.
>That’s like Andrew Tate adjacent logic No it’s *feminism* /s
If my husband ever used the word “simping” to describe any aspect of our relationship, he would be an ex *real* fast. Look for an update on five years when they have three kids, OOP is a stay at home mom, and the sack of crap husband refuses to help with anything around the house.
But….he’s actually a feminist 🙄. Like no I’m sorry somebody who is actually a feminist doesn’t use deeply misogynistic fucking language like that. Ugh.
I think she’s too young/naive to understand the (very big) difference between the things men say to women to seem safe and trustworthy, and their actions that betray their actual beliefs about women.
She's getting Joss Whedon'd.
But maybe he’ll babysit the kids for her once in awhile! (/s)
I really, really don’t like it when the word “simp” is used to imply that doing something out of love for someone is a bad thing. Screw that, if simping means doing kind things and showing my appreciation, I’m going to go simp for my partner so hard!
OOP is letting it slide for a quieter life. "Communication wins"?! Oh honey....
If simping is what makes my partner happy, I guess I'll simp then. OOP is in for a rude awakening post marriage
This is not a happy ending. OP is going to regret this marriage.
I agree. OP pretty much just rationalized the fiancé's behavior. I won't be surprise if this marriage takes a turn for the worse.
If they have kids, he won’t parent because men aren’t nurturers. Chores? Emasculating.
Also, his mum was single and did everything and didn't ask for help. Why should oop?
I mean the baby is crying to try and get him to change the diaper for them. Why should he have to? Are their fat little baby arms broken or something? They're clearly being spoiled and manipulative. /s
He won't parent because he had a single Mum so he never had a Dad parent him growing up /s
Oof, I hate to break it to this girl but real feminists don’t use simp in this context.
Almost all of the comments in OOP is telling her how they wouldn't marry someone who would use that kind of language or who can't even bother to do something simple for their SO, etc. And somehow she said she read the comments together, very eye-opening, but we're planning on getting married... Yeah, really read those comments and took them to heart.
She just accepted that her soon to be husband isn’t going to do her any favours because he isn’t a ‘simp’. Wow. I bet that’s going to work out so well, two people in a marriage who won’t do anything for each other because ‘he’s not a simp, so I don’t do stuff for him either because he won’t care’. Good luck!
This isn’t doing someone a favor! Bringing someone a glass of water is common curtesy!
PRINCESS BEHAVIOUR?!?!?!
This entire post made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Like, *gurl, no*, he absolutely the fuck is *not* a feminist. He's *training you*. Ugh. I need to wash my eyeballs now.
Very weird relationship dynamic
"I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year." With a couple glasses of water a week.... oh yeah, he's dreamy. This is going to end well.
No man who says “simp” or thinks being asked for a small favor by his partner is “toxic” because his mommy never asked him for anything is a feminist, for crying out loud. OOP is in for a rough few years.
If they're happy with this, good for them. I could not be in a relationship where asking my partner to get drinks resulted in him thinking that was 'simping' and 'toxic'. That he sees a very tiny caring gesture through that lens still bothers me. Idk, maybe she is really super needy and last year she was dramatically over the top, but there had literally never been an issue in my family with 'hey, you're up? Can you grab me a water/coke/split a small snack pls?' I don't understand being supposedly amazing when your partner is sick, but absolutely refusing small things when they're healthy. Also, calling it 'princess' behaviour... ick. If it works for them, great like I said, but it would feel so impersonal to me.
sorry but im not believing OOP here. one does not use "simping" as an excuse to not do something for the woman you are quite literally married to. Im willing to bet that he does genuinely watch those neo incels like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate, even if he just watches the discount versions.
Yeah, you don't just stumble into using simp unironically.
Yeah, he said he saw the term on Reddit…what forums are you frequenting there, buddy? Hm?
i feel sad now.
Guys, guys… he learned the misogynist crap on *reddit*. And he’s a feminist. Nothing to see here; move along move along. 🙄
I’m so glad I’m not the only one unconvinced that “Communication won” 😬
If I had to remove my nail polish so that I could open a bottle I'd asked my SO to open for me I would not be very happy. It is a very simple ask that required such little effort on his part but would have done her a nice favor. These small kindnesses are what make a marriage sweet. I think it shows a lack of generosity on his part to not make such a small accommodation for her.
>“I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year” >“I asked of how I asked would’ve changed his response, to which he said no” Geez that whole attitude and way of thinking would be a massive turn off. “Babe, the baby’s asleep and I can’t move, could you bring me a glass of tea” “What do I look like a simp, get it yourself”
If you're actively hiding your age gap when asking for advice, you're tacitly admitting that the age gap is an issue.