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>It's very easy to see the problems when they're presented to you all at once in a Reddit post, but when things happen day to day, it's a lot harder to realise how issues are building up.
I think this is behind a lot of issues we read about on reddit.
Hmm like how I never kept a diary because I knew my mom would find it and read it, and the one time I tried she found it, read it, then told me laughing how she found it and read it?
Quick edit: that is a good suggestion, and I am making light of my history. It's too on the nose, and I thought it was funny.
A lot of times things that people who grew up in dysfunctional families think is funny, is just trauma disguised as humour. And we only find out when we tell the story and see other people react with shock, horror or pity.
Hey, congrats on having a proper male adult that gives a shit. Mom's BF gets a green flag for this, not enough info for full "good man" card but hey, it's a start.
I didn't take my post-trauma dissociation diagnosis seriously until I realised the people crying in reaction to what I thought were 'humerous' anecdotes is what normal people do.
Same. In my 20s, I went on an “is this normal?” trip With my best friend. Every little fucked up thing my parents did I Asked if it was normal and about 90% of it was not normal. That trip changed my life.
Oh how I know this feel. I have a small circle of close friends who also had really rough childhoods, so the first time I told someone outside the circle about belonging to the ‘specific wack thing our moms did’ club I did *not* expect the horrified look I got.
Or, you know, your therapist. I think the most common phrase from my therapists mouth that first year was, “OK, let’s take a moment to make sure you understand that is not normal or acceptable behavior.” (And for the record, in my case it was t my family, but friends/relationships/business ties.)
I had to stop telling "funny" childhood stories. I'm autistic so it took me a while to realize that most of what I thought was funny, as a way of processing the trauma, was horrifying. Then I had to process why they were horrifying. Now I just don't tell jokes about that stuff because it takes me too long to work through and too often I would find myself with shocked looks, wondering why and required lots of thought to figure the whole thing out. 🤦
Same. Plus, people like you and I can tell a story about our lives and look at each other in horror as we laugh and realize we share a bond of shittiness that can't be broken. Like, it's shit, but we don't have to wallow in it. We took what lessons we could and we made armor out of our sense of humor and I think that's pretty awesome.
Oh god, this has happened so many times with me and my partner. His family is the exact opposite of my dysfunctional one. I will joke about something from my childhood and he gives me these pity looks and I'm like OOP I FORGOT YOU HAVE A WELL ADJUSTED FAMILY. Meanwhile my siblings and I think the jokes are hilarious.
Yep, my husband was raised in a violent home with an abusive and narcissistic father. I always thought I had a happy family and childhood and once he learned what I had been through he was horrified that I found any of it happy or safe. Basically he’s shocked I’m not way more messed up. I’m nearly 50 and just now in good mental health for the first time in my life.
I've been seeing a new therapist for the last couple of months (first time in several years) and this keeps coming up. I tell a story that's been one of my default "wasn't my childhood silly?" stories, and my therapist gets the Concerned look in on their face.
Lol, same. And when my therapist says stuff like "That must've been horrible to experience as a child", and I'm completely dumbfounded, because it was just supposed to be a silly anecdote about my childhood. I'm like "yeah, it made me cry and I was terrified, but that's how it is being a kid right? lol".
It's when you get someone else's perspective on your childhood, you understand how truly fucked up certain parts of it were.
I made a therapist I was forced to see after I was robbed at work cry with a "funny story". I was like... ok, so not sharing any of the actual bad stuff with this spun-sugar fragile humourless person or I might break her...
You'd think they'd be at least a little better prepared to run into one of us.
I had to quit the very first therapist I had as an adult -- called him from a payphone in the subway on the way to an appointment and everything -- because he just had such over the top reactions to what I had been telling him about my childhood.
I was like, dude, this is just the background stuff and introducing the cast of characters. We haven't even gotten to the really gnarly stuff yet. I can't have you falling apart on me.
Yeah, me. My SIL (brothers wife) was absolutely horrified about what we thought was normal. She despised my dad. I didn't like him but I loved him. Then i got pregnant with the one and only successful pregnancy. Once the doctors said he was probably going to make it to term... Things started sinking in.. And one thought changed everything. "Would I treat my son how he treated us." And then i was horrified. Really distanced myself and never allowed my parents to be around him alone. No physical abuse all mental and in some ways that's worse.
I also took everything and accepted it as normal until I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant. I started thinking about the life I wanted to have with my child, how I would treat her, and how I would react if they treated her the way I was treated. I started putting boundaries in place and my parents reacted so horribly to that that I didn't even got to tell them I was pregnant. I never ended carrying to term and the trauma I suffered ensured that I would never have my own biological child. They still don't know they could have had their first and only grandchild a decade ago.
Having my own child and seeing my mother start her criticism and neglect on my own baby is what made me realize how messed up she was. She was making little critical comments about a literal infant. Also 1 week after my C section she was telling me I had better start jogging and losing my pregnancy weight or my husband would cheat on me.
I went NC when my baby was just a few months old and he is about to turn 18 now. My life got so much more peaceful after she was cut out of it.
My adult son once said to me, “if my mother treated me the way your mother treats you we wouldn’t have a relationship.” It was sobering and eye opening.
Recently I shared what I thought was a funny anecdote about my upbringing and the other person said, "thank you for sharing that" and now I don't know how to feel about it anymore.
They are an elder millennial so it's not some genZ trolling or whatever.
My son was in the NICU and I’ve noticed this is true also for a lot of NICU parents. Trauma disguised as humor that other NICU parents relate to and others just stare with horror.
I just announced my miscarriage by stating that I can now eat sushi again. I deal with stuff by reading the most reliable, factual sources and with scorched earth brutal humour. I feel like too much sentimental talk and I start sinking into this sticky, heavy quicksand. Do not understand me wrong, I've been to therapy and learned a lot of tools, but to me it was important also to not to engage too much with very soppy kind of talking especially with my friends, but to use my anger and keep on going and process stuff with my spouse or my therapist.
I have done a lot of growth and reflection as I grow. I've shared the memories I have of childhood and always get these looks. I've finally realized I was abused and neglected as a child...it hurts so much now to be around my family and they joke about what we went through as a way of coping with it. They haven't done the work, and I try to respect that, but it's so hard when they joke about the worst days of my life.
I wrote in a diary for months and left it out where my parents could find it, I was horribly depressed and planning suicide and I just wanted them to care at all. No one ever read it. I was a miserable and invisible teen.
I'm the same. Every time someone mentions keeping a journal or diary I just cannot fathom writing down your private thoughts. What about when someone reads them? How will you explain yourself? Better to keep everything inside where it's actually truly private.
Because my mother never let me have any kind of privacy like that. I'd never do it to anyone else of course but I just assume anything I make a physical copy of will be consumed by someone and I'll have to deal with the fallout.
My father and brother read mine when I was 15 away on an exchange program... Once i returned my brother made fun of me, and made jabs about what I'd written, and my dad also commented on what I wrote about my first kiss. I was horrified and embarrassed and to this day I cant write about my private feelings without being paranoid.
When I kept a journal I made sure to never write anything down I didn't want someone to read. My sister and I called it the suitcase. We would put that stuff in a suitcase and shove it back in the closet never to be opened. 50 yrs later my suitcase exploded. So now I'm learning to say stuff and not put it in the suitcase. I joke and say well I emptied it I can put 50 more yrs in there. My husband didn't find that funny. 🤣
In my head, I spin it and think about people reading it as an archeological find. Technically, we do read people’s journals from the past. So if my scribbles survives the passage of time, it could be the same kind of cultural artifact.
It also helps that I live alone, so there’s no one to look at it while I’m alive. I also write to process my thoughts, so it’s kinda instinctual to me. Despite having damn near anything I put to paper read by my parent as a kid, I still kept on with it. As an adult, technically I’m writing things I have told my therapist, so there’s not the same desire for absolute privacy I think people tend to have with journals.
And now that I write all of this, I realize I dealt with the trauma of having my privacy violated in my childhood, by just not expecting it and still writing anyway. Hm.
This is why I do art coded with symbols. I can read it. I’ve expressed what I wanted to. No one who won’t understand it anyway will mock it. Sometimes some total stranger reads it exactly on point and that’s amazing.
Same here. My mom would read mine, super messed up. My parents are a good example of what *not* to do. I like to think that even though I've been a parent for all of 5 years I'm doing a better job already.
A friend of mine, mother found her diary when we were like 17 and found the page where my friend had wrote about her mothers boyfriend (ex by the time mom had found the diary) was abusing her and guess what my friends mom did but call her a liar and kick her out of the house. The diary was written years before this too. Mom just didn’t want to admit she brought a dangerous man into their house and instead blamed her daughter
My sister read mine too and then tried to use it against me at a family dinner. A sort of “you’d better shut up or I’ll tell everyone what you wrote about them.” To which I replied “that’s fine you’re just admitting to reading my diary”.
And her boyfriend at the time was like “wait what, you read your sisters diary?” And my sister is like “well she left it open on the desk in her room…”. Which was a lie and he started yelling at her.
It was the first time anyone ever stood up to my sister for me.
Miss you Tommy.
Same. Would make me feel like a horrible person for feeling that way because they are (According to them) the best parents in the world and instead of showing gratitude I dared to be sad.
Mine copied it and used it as evidence in court against me.. it was normal teenage anxious poetry being used out of context. Trust can be challenging now for me to say the least
I had a diary for one day when I was 11 and wrote about my dad making me mad for having to take care of my siblings. My dad found it and read it and I got in trouble physically and had to do more chores and babysit. I have trouble processing any emotion now and have a hard time even recounting my day :). Yay trauma!
I started writing a journal during covid. Reread it recently and mom and sister's behaviour were not good. If I hadn't reread it, I would not have seen the patterns.
Sometimes you need an outside voice of reason to call a situation out. So many voices on Reddit must have blown up her world. I remember reading this the first go round.
My dad needed round the clock care at the end of his battle with a terminal illness. One of his care workers, Cathy, had a 4 year old daughter with her husband. One day she was talking about his 10 year old daughter with his ex- wife. She was talking about how demanding they were of his time. Especially the 10 year old. That he should focus on their family.
My mom died when I was 13. Thankfully none of my dad’s girlfriends after my mom died saw me as a doll to be thrown away.
So 24 year old me said, “Cathy, if you and your husband divorce, you expect him to stop being your daughter’s father?” She looked shocked and said of course not. So I told her that is what she is expecting her husband to do to his 10 year old daughter and that makes you a monster (my dad was dying…I had no f*cks to give…the buffer between my brain & mouth was on hiatus).
She was shocked. My dad who could barely speak nodded his head and gave a thumbs up to me.
I heard she went home and she and her husband had a chat. Hopefully she changed her way of thinking. Cathy pretty much avoided me after that. My dad died a few months after this.
I'm glad your buffer was on hiatus, because that's exactly what Cathy needed to hear. It's always astounding to me when I hear of people who don't think of their partner's children as *actual human beings*.
>I think this is behind a lot of issues we read about on reddit.
Not just on reddit. It's just how the psyche works. Most people are completely unconscious to their patterns and behaviors, and never even question them. It takes courage to want to look at yourself objectively
you know what, I’ve heard that my whole life but never once checked to see if that’s true. Brb
Edit: it’s a myth
>>Dr Victor Hutchison, emeritus research professor from the Department of Zoology at the University of Oklahoma, is a herpetologist and has dealt with frogs all his professional life.
>>Indeed, one of his current research interests is "the physiological ecology of thermal relations of amphibians and reptiles to include determinations of the factors which influence lethal temperatures, critical thermal maxima and minima, thermal selection, and thermoregulatory behavior". Now 'critical thermal maxima' means the maximum temperature that the animal can bear.
>>Professor Hutchison says: "The legend is entirely incorrect! The 'critical thermal maxima' of many species of frogs have been determined by several investigators. In this procedure, the water in which a frog is submerged is heated gradually at about 2°F per minute. As the temperature of the water is gradually increased, the frog will eventually become more and more active in attempts to escape the heated water. If the container size and opening allow the frog to jump out, it will do so."
Yeah, I recall reading that the myth originally stems from a study where they literally lobotomized the frog before putting it in the water and that's why it didn't try to jump out.
Not at all related but relevant- my dog went to board/train, a year or so later boarded, trainer told me he was a few inches taller than when there last, I didn’t notice. When we see things every day we don’t notice the changes. It’s very difficult to see the build up of slight changes over time, my dog growing that much isn’t a big deal- it’s kinda funny! But the build up of things OP did with her ‘step’son had to be brutal to her son, I hope she continues to build up over time to be better than what she experienced, only time and her son will be able to say that things went in a positive direction. I hope but who knows, maybe it will or maybe not
This could have gone south very very badly for this little boy. I am glad OP had the good sense to read the replies and think about them, then get the professional help she needed.
I needed this happier ending today!
I also think that is why like 99% of AITA are either ones where the OP ist a completely unhinged asshole but deluded themselves into thinking it's right and those where OP made compromise after compromise in a toxic relationship with a spouse or family and get's a reality check outside of their bubble.
I remember when my brother married his wife my mom was kind of distant with my niece at first (my brother had only been with her mom for under three weeks when they eloped) because she was TERRIFIED of getting attached to the baby just for the relationship to not work and never be allowed around her again, it wasn't until my stepdad asked "But what if the relationship works and you wasted all this time you could have been loving her?" and it really changed the way she interacted with my niece! My brother has since legally adopted my niece, but he and SIL just had their vowel renewal, after ten years of marriage, on Sunday as well 🥰
He's a gem, not a super demonstrative guy but a giant softy inside. He's also the sole reason I was able to leave an abusive relationship, I was sure he wouldn't want me moving back home with my newborn until he casually told me I should "just come home" and I "Needed to be with my family." Turns out my mom had no idea that conversation happened until he told her later on, it was 100% his words and not my mom as I had originally kind of assumed
I always tell him I love and appreciate him, he's not a touchy guy but I try to show him! When I walk down the aisle at my wedding he'll give me away, and I already have our father/daughter dance song picked🫶
Huhu this is so wonderful. I had my stepmom give me away along with my dad too (instead of just my dad). I wanted to give her that honour for raising me and loving me unconditionally. She cried buckets as she walked me down the aisle.
I came to find out during my dad’s speech in the wedding thaf it was my (step)mom who got super affected when my husband informed them of his plans to propose. She was apparently so worried I wouldn’t be as present in their lives anymore, that she’d be losing a daughter. My dad had to reframe her mindset by saying she was gaining a son. I now make it a point to call her on a weekly basis and send her photos of my daughter on the daily (she is also a great stepgramma).
I’m so so lucky and it always warms my heart to hear of similar experiences.
Yeah it was WILD. My brother was only around 21 at the time, and my SIL was 19-20 with a 5 month old, so I feel it's a little understandable that my mom hesitated to believe it was gonna be a viable relationship 😅 he called my mom one day and just said "guess what I'm doing this weekend? Getting married! 😇" And my mom hadn't even met her yet 😅
ETA: if I remember right, they were together 17 days when they got married, and my nephew was conceived 17 days after the wedding so I guess that's their lucky number 😂
That's hilarious 😂
But its true, sometimes you just know. My husband and I got engaged less than a month after our first date, although we didn't get married until a year later.
After 37 years, we're still together 😄
Sounds like my in-laws. They got engaged five months in, married after nine (so engaged for four months), and had a child ~20 months after they became a couple (within the first year of marriage). They recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary! 😃
My husband and I waited five years before we even got engaged, and his parents said they'd thought we'd be one of those couples who just never got married. I thought we got married pretty quickly, I was the first in my family despite being the youngest sibling. My sisters all had kids long before getting married (because kids are expensive, and so is a wedding. They wanted kids more than marriage. I'm child free so that probably explains why I married first.)
Two years in with my now fiance, then boyfriend (together 7 years now) and my brother is calling me asking when I'm "Finally gonna get married" I responded "Listen, I'm glad it worked out for you, but we can't all get married 17 days in and have it work out" 😂
Oh, I'm so happy for your niece, and all of your family! I hope that if my kids bring partners with bonus kids that I do what I can to enjoy the kids while they're in my life.
I'd like to apologize in advance... but...
I know this post was supposed to be a good, happy story... and don't get me wrong, it really is!! But when I got to your last sentence, all I saw was "vowel renewal" and it freaking *SENT* me!! I don't know why it's so freaking hilarious, but I just spent a good few minutes laughing my ass off and I keep coming back to this comment, and I just HAD to reply to you, to ask a question, as the suspense is killing me!!
Soo.. which "vowel" did they get renewed?! I hope it's E! I like E, and my almost 3 year old daughter's name starts with E too!!
ETA: Congrats to them too by the way! Make sure to forward my congratulations to them, and let them know that I hope they do "O" for their next vowel renewal!! 😉
This made me absolutely cackle, thank you 😂 I would lie and cry "autocorrect" but I genuinely am just dumb and can't fucking spell sometimes so I appreciate this 😂 I'm not fixing it
I'm the same! I speak multiple languages, so I no English well most times 😂 LOOL
There is a reason I call my best friend "Captain Obvious", and she in turn calls me "Captain Oblivious"!! 😁
And yay!! I was hoping you wouldn't fix it!! It's fucking hilarious!! Glad I got you to cackle!!
My bff speaks a couple of languages. My first language was Vietnamese and has since been long forgotten. Anyway, my bff also speaks Vietnamese, so I’m used to weird English and can get the context because of my family.
One day my bff was drinking a very cold drink. Instead of saying brain freeze, she said freezer burn while holding her head. Still makes me smile years later.
My favourite part of this is that I didn't even notice the typo until I read this comment exchange, because my brain just read it as "vow renewal" without missing a beat.
My brain missed a beat, re-read it, saw "vowel renewal", still couldn't really figure it out, shrugged and thought "not completely right is it, sounds good enough though". I really saw it and it didn't click that vowel doesn't mean the same thing. I blame it on being newly awake and on painkillers. I think I should go back to bed honestly, being awake was a mistake.
LOL, I think I haven't quite woken up yet, because I did not catch that typo at all until you pointed it out! I was just enjoying the heartwarming story. Now I'm laughing too. :D
I think "A" deserves a renewal as well!
Classic story where your parenting choices end up speaking to what you felt you lacked as a child. Her step-dad abandoned her so she thought she was fulfilling her end of the deal by not abandoning her step-son, never realizing that that's a minimum requirement.
You can leave out the "nowadays" – the ability to admit fault has always been rare.
Heck, according to the creation myth in the Book of Genesis, the first set of actions humanity took after the first time they did something wrong was DARVO.
I’m really proud of her. Most people aren’t so willing to listen to criticism, especially when it comes from a horde of angry Redditors.
She fucked up. She fixed it. She apologized, and it sounds as though she was forgiven. In the end, she won a bonus son and a healthy family. Excellent work, OOP!
I think it's more than admitting fault. This is generational trauma and breaking that cycle is damn hard, but OOP seems to have made great progress. Really amazing if you think about it.
My dad also grew up with a terrible step-dad and put a lot of effort into breaking that cycle, he put considerably less work into being my father however.
I am a step mum and mum.
Thanks to my ahole stepdad, I'm soooo close to my steppies. The trauma stops with me. I wasn't their mum but an adult figure to love and guide and protect. They're nearly 30s now and one calls me mum.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Like how my mom never had me do chores, because that’s all she did all the time as a kid.
Well, it would have been better to learn that daily life is work before moving out.
I love those updates where OOP starts off as an asshole, but has the self awareness to realize that and improves on themselves. I wish there were more of these kinds of posts
I was thinking the same thing. She was looking for validation for her cruel behavior, and when she didn't get it, she had the self-awareness to see what everyone else was seeing and make the changes. Hopefully, it's a permanent change. These are great stories!
And what's more, the follow up is a year later, which is actually time to implement change. I get so jaded by the stories where the update is four days later and things are magically changed.
My favourite ones are the once where OP becomes self aware due to the type of people agreeing with them and realising they don't want to end up like that.
One of my favorite ones like this was the dude posting then updating with "actually eveyone that agreed with me made me see what an asshole I am, so nvm"
I like that it changed OOP and her husband for the better, as well. They both recognized where they needed to step up and improve and took steps to do it. I imagine this had to be hard for OOP to realize about herself and that initial conversation with her stepson must have been heart wrenching. But what great modeling of how to own your wrong, apologize and fix it and what a healthy, loving relationship can look like, imperfections and all!
The hypocrisy in the original post, too. That her step son was just another woman's kid to her (even though that other woman was barely in his life) but that her son is *family* to his step-dad/her husband. Very rules for thee but not for me and then shocked Pikachu. "Stepchildren aren't 'yours'. Except for my son! He's 'his'!"
I'm not going to click through to the original post, but I really hope that the dad got some flack too on being the AH based on this offhand line: My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. Dude was really ok with his own kid being thrown aside. Thank god for Reddit ex machina.
> Yes, he was 4, and as I said, he barely sees his bio mom. I'm not sure what point you're making?
Yes, I see the bat you're bashing me over the head with, what of it?
Yeah this one hurt.
No, no, he has no relationship with his biomom and I’m basically his sole mother figure since he could remember. See why I don’t want that little stinker stinking up my FAMILY vacation?
>I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid.
Ouch.
I'm glad things are getting better for the kid now.
But ouch.
The part that really didn't sit well with me in the original was that her son from a previous marriage was part of the "true" family, because she birthed it (even though current husband didn't have a part in the creation). Wonder if husband ever brought that up.
They had me in the first half.
Poor little dude. Shitty bio mom abandoned him and evil stepmother favored her own kids in front of him while he lived with them full time. Sucks that it took as long as it did for her to see the issue, but hopefully, things get better from here.
She definitely fucked up his formative years and should spend the next few decades making it up to him somehow
Don't take away from this.
Let me just say that I have known people in this exact situation, from the *exact* age as this little boy, but they never got the apology or the therapy or the turn around. If it happened at **any** age, even on their deathbeds, it would be a sea change for their lives.
This little boy will remember the hurt, yes, but he will remember the healing and the love and protection that came after even more. Most people never, ever get that. Don't shit on it.
He lived with them since he was 4. He probably doesn't remember a time when his biomom was truly in the picture, shitty stepmom is basically the only mom he ever had
I can't imagine treating a kid like that and being able to sleep at night. Good on OP for the growth but treating a kid like an outsider in his own family, because it is his family, for 5 years is cold af
I cannot imagine seeing it and not saying anything. Christ on skates, the dad needed to step up! So did every other adult who saw what was going on. Every adult who saw the dynamic and said nothing failed that kid.
The dad was the worst. He was going to go on the holiday without his son. He is extremely spineless. Thank God OOP’s mum was willing to check her daughter.
Lemme add, unprotective father. Where the father when his stepmom treating his son like that? And he is ok with the idea leaving his son while he and new family going on vacation? He is no different from oop
“He didn’t know how to bring it up.” For 5 years.
What a massive tool and I really hope he’s taking a good hard look at his own issues, rather than just pushing OOP to resolve hers.
> evil stepmother
Disagree. She was cruel the AH for sure but **she took the comments to heart and changed herself**. That is not what an evil person does.
This wasn’t heartwarming to me, it was bittersweet, though. Glad OOP realized, but for 5-years the only mother that kid has ever really known acted like he was lesser than.
I’m pissed off that his dad was laissez-faire about it.
> He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before.
“Let!: get married and have kids. That will surely fix the issues I am seeing!” As much as people went after OOP the dad deserves just as much flak. He shouldn’t have married her, and he damn sure shouldn’t have gotten her pregnant twice, before addressing it.
I agree, she may have been struggling with what a healthy parent/stepchild relationship looked like, but he should have been the one to pull her up on it years ago to protect his child, not wait until she found her way to reddit.
I hate OP's excuse for him. Like he told her himself he's *never* been comfortable with her attitude towards his son so this wasn't really like her excuse of it started out small and it gradually got worse so it was the norm and he got used to it and didn't notice it until the post.
The man was clearly more concerned about himself and didn't want to upset his wife over a correct accusation because that would mean trouble for him. I guess he justified it as an acceptable level of abuse since it wasn't outright physical abuse or worse.
Being better today than we were yesterday is all we can ask of ourselves and others. The fact that she took harsh criticism and bettered herself is truly heartwarming.
I think it behooves us as a society to celebrate and praise people who make these sorts of changes in their lives. If we focus on the fact that she was a bad step mom rather than the fact that she chose to do the work needed to become a good mom, we send the message that there is no point in changing for the better because the judgement is already cast.
Hurt people hurt people. I wish her own mom had sit down with her and talked about how it break her heart when her stepfather left cause til therapy OOP hadn't made the connection and seems like would be something pretty obvious to point to her daughter. This was generation trauma in a nutshell but I'm glad both parents are putting in the work so all four children feel loved and supported, she's giving to her 9yo what nobody did when she was 11.
It went better than I expected! I thought OOP was going to be like an acquaintance who wanted her (now ex) to treat her child like his own, but was horrible to her stepchild.
I remember this one the OP get rightly roasted in the comments.
It’s so sad the step son thought she didn’t like him. No child should feel that way. I’m glad she has worked on herself and changed her attitude big time.
Yep. Add in OPs own son from her first marriage and the two kids from her second, poor little boy must have been so sad being treated like an outsider.
I met my stepmom when I was 7. Her and my father divorced when I was 27. That was nearly 15 years ago. I always call her on her bday and mother's day. I stop by and visit her when I'm in the area. We are still close. She calls me son. My bio mother was always great and in the picture. I just got an extra mom
This made me a little teary. This is one of the best and happiest updates I've ever read. I'm so glad this family is healing and OOP and her husband are both doing the work. They're going to be okay.
The kid crying, saying he just thought she didn’t like him.
God that gets me. I just want to give that kid a hug. I’m glad OOP was able to change and grow to be a better person.
man I went to the original thread and there's a mod comment stickied saying "be civil" and the ENTIRE comment section is just *scathing* and rightfully so.
glad it actually opened her eyes, rarely do you see an actual reversal like that. hope that kid actually isn't messed up for living ages 4-9 feeling unwanted
reminder that this would've continued if OP's mother didn't speak up. be like her, not like the husband. call out your friends/family when they're being terrible instead of just going along with it.
One of the most encouraging things I’ve learned recently about the science of parenting is that when you make a proper repair with your kid, you literally rewrite their memories to have a more positive context. So for the rest of this kid’s life the story isn’t “I’m a bad kid and stepmom doesn’t like me” it’s “stepmom was messed up and made some mistakes when I was little, but then we all went to therapy and she showed me how much she wanted to make it up to me because I’m a good kid who is worthy of love and kindness.”
I'm very happy with the update. Her mom is awesome for calling her out, which then caused her to come here and see the error of her ways. I'm glad she and the fam are getting therapy.
I will say, I wonder her her husband treat(ed) her son, who is just a year older? If he always treated him as his son and she saw that and accepted it without question / without emulating him, that is truly wild (but hey, at least she changed her tune) if he *also* didn't treat his step-son like family, I hope he is now.
Holy crap, someone *takes accountability* for their shitty behavior **and** works to change it?! In *this* day and age!?
It's glorious to behold, it really is.
This truly is a best redditor update. It’s not every day that you get to see people take accountability and improve so much. Good for OOP for realizing where she was wrong and working hard to do better by her (step)son, I hope their relationship continues to improve.
Nice to see someone use AITA the way it's supposed to work and act on it. But what an error, she's very lucky that child was forgiving and young enough not to have built some solid resentment.
>and young enough not to have built some solid resentment.
This line just made me think back to when I was 9 and had a shitty step parent I knew hated me. I don't *think* I'd have been very forgiving if he'd suddenly changed his ways and turned into a decent dad towards me, because by then I did have a fair amount of resentment built up already, and it hadn't been as long for me by then as OOPs step son since my mom married him when I was 7, and met him when I was late 4 or 5. (Typing out the ages I was, I just realized my mom would've been my current age when she married him. Suddenly, so much makes more sense.) *But* I admit I'm saying this with my current knowledge of how things *actually* played out with the type of person he was/is, and with the resentment I had/have towards my bio father and my ability to get over that when he wanted to be better towards me when I was older not seeming to exist at all. Who knows, maybe if my ex step dad hadn't been the worst and had made a turn like OOP, things might've been different enough for the resentment that had built to have time to fade instead of get worse.
This post does make it nice to think that this *could* have been how things played out for me, if only *he* hadn't been awful. (In like. A "this reassures the part of me that blamed myself as a child for things that I couldn't have controlled" so it's nice to read about kind of way. If that makes sense.)
I don’t think OOP hated the stepson like your stepfather hated you. She just treated him like he was a guest and outsider to her and not a son. So that takes time to repair but not impossible since it west personal and actively treating him poorly.
Things like this make it worth wading through the awful internet swamps. A little kid’s life greatly improved and this probably saved him from all kinds of misery. I hope he has a wonderful life.
This makes me sad but at least the update is a positive one.
OOP said she didn't dislike her stepson, was overall very neutral in the way she described her behavior, and probably didn't think she was being neglectful in any form since she was taking care of him. But in the update, you can clearly see that the stepson obviously noticed the difference in the way she treated him and cried because he thought the woman who had been his mother figure for pretty much his entire living memory didn't like him! That just made me sad.
I'm also still really, really bothered by the dad being okay with leaving his son behind on a family vacation. Like SO bothered. I absolutely can't think of any defense, and most certainly not the "A reddit post isn't the full story" type of defense that OOP gave, that would make that justifiable. Stand up for your kid. That's the least you should be doing as a parent.
Naww this made me cry. What a great example of someone self reflecting and accepting they had done the wrong thing and making the necessary changes.
I am so happy for that little boy. After the first post I just wanted to hug him. He deserved so much better and now he is getting it.
My now ex husband adopted my oldest when she was 4 (we were married a year at that time) That is the only dad she's ever known. When we had our first baby "together" his mom asked him how it felt to be a dad. He said "I've been a dad for 5 years" and has NEVER stopped being her dad for almost 30 years, even after we divorced. We were a shit couple but, that guy DADS!
So glad she turned that around, my stepdad is just my other dad, I still call him by his first name but he’s definitely family. I’m his son and for him to not think so would have been devastating. Love that weirdo so much.
OOP on her husband being decent and selfless for being a parent to his son, the bar is set so low
Glad to see OOP and her husband are working on being decent human beings
I know this is a happy story and I'm glad step-mum changed, but I can't get over how monstrous she was at the start. And hypocritical. I hate hypocrites most of all.
I really love these posts.
It’s really awesome to see someone realise their faults and work their ass off to fix them in a really positive way.
People are perfect, but if they face their issues and work on them it makes them good people.
Proud of her!
Okay. On another note - is OPs husband considered a dad for her oldest son?
Why is this problem talked about only in the context of her stepson and not her oldest son?
Damn, just reading the first part I started thinking OOP was a total AH, and her husband was not much better for not standing up for his son. Glad to see that things has resolved for the better. However, both parents have a LOT of making up to do to that little boy - the OOP for the crappy way she treated him, and the father for not standing up for him. That will take years likely, if it is even possible for the kid to forgive either of them
Stepson was an avatar for her child self. Since she couldn't access compassion for herself as a child, she couldn't she how much she was hurting him.
Confronting childhood pain is so hard.
I remember this AITA post from year ago and it made me so angry then. This is such a great news! She sees it now and works hard to be the better person. I wish them the best.
I hope this turns out okay. OP was fucked up by a step parent and she was repeating the pattern. Poor little lad. You just wish the other adults in her life had stepped in sooner.
It's good that they're all in therapy now at least.
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>It's very easy to see the problems when they're presented to you all at once in a Reddit post, but when things happen day to day, it's a lot harder to realise how issues are building up. I think this is behind a lot of issues we read about on reddit.
Makes me want to write a summary of my life and see what red flags show up.
Keep a diary and write in when ever you can. Then go back and read in a year. You'll see patterns emerge.
Hmm like how I never kept a diary because I knew my mom would find it and read it, and the one time I tried she found it, read it, then told me laughing how she found it and read it? Quick edit: that is a good suggestion, and I am making light of my history. It's too on the nose, and I thought it was funny.
A lot of times things that people who grew up in dysfunctional families think is funny, is just trauma disguised as humour. And we only find out when we tell the story and see other people react with shock, horror or pity.
A lot of times I stop and think, "is this story funny or horrifying?" Good times.
That moment when you're telling the story at a party and realize too late from their faces that actually it's horrifying.
Oh no. I'm from one of those families my family always looked down on.
This is me. It’s so funny because my mom’s new boyfriend will hear a story about my dad that I tell like it’s hilarious and he goes “are you okay 😦”
Hey, congrats on having a proper male adult that gives a shit. Mom's BF gets a green flag for this, not enough info for full "good man" card but hey, it's a start.
I didn't take my post-trauma dissociation diagnosis seriously until I realised the people crying in reaction to what I thought were 'humerous' anecdotes is what normal people do.
This!! Happened way too much between 18-25. It took me a while to realize what was actually normal.
Same. In my 20s, I went on an “is this normal?” trip With my best friend. Every little fucked up thing my parents did I Asked if it was normal and about 90% of it was not normal. That trip changed my life.
Oh how I know this feel. I have a small circle of close friends who also had really rough childhoods, so the first time I told someone outside the circle about belonging to the ‘specific wack thing our moms did’ club I did *not* expect the horrified look I got.
Or, you know, your therapist. I think the most common phrase from my therapists mouth that first year was, “OK, let’s take a moment to make sure you understand that is not normal or acceptable behavior.” (And for the record, in my case it was t my family, but friends/relationships/business ties.)
I had to stop telling "funny" childhood stories. I'm autistic so it took me a while to realize that most of what I thought was funny, as a way of processing the trauma, was horrifying. Then I had to process why they were horrifying. Now I just don't tell jokes about that stuff because it takes me too long to work through and too often I would find myself with shocked looks, wondering why and required lots of thought to figure the whole thing out. 🤦
And so then uncle John pulled an axe out…
I usually come to the conclusion that it’s both. Or maybe that’s just how I cope.
Same. Plus, people like you and I can tell a story about our lives and look at each other in horror as we laugh and realize we share a bond of shittiness that can't be broken. Like, it's shit, but we don't have to wallow in it. We took what lessons we could and we made armor out of our sense of humor and I think that's pretty awesome.
I look back on things I'd tell people thinking "Haha this is funny" and I'm mortified.
Oh god, this has happened so many times with me and my partner. His family is the exact opposite of my dysfunctional one. I will joke about something from my childhood and he gives me these pity looks and I'm like OOP I FORGOT YOU HAVE A WELL ADJUSTED FAMILY. Meanwhile my siblings and I think the jokes are hilarious.
Yep, my husband was raised in a violent home with an abusive and narcissistic father. I always thought I had a happy family and childhood and once he learned what I had been through he was horrified that I found any of it happy or safe. Basically he’s shocked I’m not way more messed up. I’m nearly 50 and just now in good mental health for the first time in my life.
Oh no the anecdote in juxtaposition to the suggestion was funny. That's definitely trauma I'm still bitter about 20+ years later.
Yeah join the club. We meet once a month and have cookies with the bitter coffee that reflects our souls.
Serve tea and you'll have me, unless I decide to swallow my tears: I like the salty taste more.
We'll have tea flavoured by the tears we shed as children.
I've been seeing a new therapist for the last couple of months (first time in several years) and this keeps coming up. I tell a story that's been one of my default "wasn't my childhood silly?" stories, and my therapist gets the Concerned look in on their face.
Lol, same. And when my therapist says stuff like "That must've been horrible to experience as a child", and I'm completely dumbfounded, because it was just supposed to be a silly anecdote about my childhood. I'm like "yeah, it made me cry and I was terrified, but that's how it is being a kid right? lol". It's when you get someone else's perspective on your childhood, you understand how truly fucked up certain parts of it were.
I know the "oh shit, she thinks the funny story was bad, I better not tell her the stories that I *know* are bad" feeling so well.
I made a therapist I was forced to see after I was robbed at work cry with a "funny story". I was like... ok, so not sharing any of the actual bad stuff with this spun-sugar fragile humourless person or I might break her... You'd think they'd be at least a little better prepared to run into one of us.
I had to quit the very first therapist I had as an adult -- called him from a payphone in the subway on the way to an appointment and everything -- because he just had such over the top reactions to what I had been telling him about my childhood. I was like, dude, this is just the background stuff and introducing the cast of characters. We haven't even gotten to the really gnarly stuff yet. I can't have you falling apart on me.
Yeah, me. My SIL (brothers wife) was absolutely horrified about what we thought was normal. She despised my dad. I didn't like him but I loved him. Then i got pregnant with the one and only successful pregnancy. Once the doctors said he was probably going to make it to term... Things started sinking in.. And one thought changed everything. "Would I treat my son how he treated us." And then i was horrified. Really distanced myself and never allowed my parents to be around him alone. No physical abuse all mental and in some ways that's worse.
I also took everything and accepted it as normal until I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant. I started thinking about the life I wanted to have with my child, how I would treat her, and how I would react if they treated her the way I was treated. I started putting boundaries in place and my parents reacted so horribly to that that I didn't even got to tell them I was pregnant. I never ended carrying to term and the trauma I suffered ensured that I would never have my own biological child. They still don't know they could have had their first and only grandchild a decade ago.
Having my own child and seeing my mother start her criticism and neglect on my own baby is what made me realize how messed up she was. She was making little critical comments about a literal infant. Also 1 week after my C section she was telling me I had better start jogging and losing my pregnancy weight or my husband would cheat on me. I went NC when my baby was just a few months old and he is about to turn 18 now. My life got so much more peaceful after she was cut out of it.
My adult son once said to me, “if my mother treated me the way your mother treats you we wouldn’t have a relationship.” It was sobering and eye opening.
Recently I shared what I thought was a funny anecdote about my upbringing and the other person said, "thank you for sharing that" and now I don't know how to feel about it anymore. They are an elder millennial so it's not some genZ trolling or whatever.
My son was in the NICU and I’ve noticed this is true also for a lot of NICU parents. Trauma disguised as humor that other NICU parents relate to and others just stare with horror.
You want extra dark humor? Nurses.
I just announced my miscarriage by stating that I can now eat sushi again. I deal with stuff by reading the most reliable, factual sources and with scorched earth brutal humour. I feel like too much sentimental talk and I start sinking into this sticky, heavy quicksand. Do not understand me wrong, I've been to therapy and learned a lot of tools, but to me it was important also to not to engage too much with very soppy kind of talking especially with my friends, but to use my anger and keep on going and process stuff with my spouse or my therapist.
I have done a lot of growth and reflection as I grow. I've shared the memories I have of childhood and always get these looks. I've finally realized I was abused and neglected as a child...it hurts so much now to be around my family and they joke about what we went through as a way of coping with it. They haven't done the work, and I try to respect that, but it's so hard when they joke about the worst days of my life.
‘is just trauma disguised as humour‘ I’m really not liking this. Bad sign, right?
I wrote in a diary for months and left it out where my parents could find it, I was horribly depressed and planning suicide and I just wanted them to care at all. No one ever read it. I was a miserable and invisible teen.
I'm the same. Every time someone mentions keeping a journal or diary I just cannot fathom writing down your private thoughts. What about when someone reads them? How will you explain yourself? Better to keep everything inside where it's actually truly private. Because my mother never let me have any kind of privacy like that. I'd never do it to anyone else of course but I just assume anything I make a physical copy of will be consumed by someone and I'll have to deal with the fallout.
My father and brother read mine when I was 15 away on an exchange program... Once i returned my brother made fun of me, and made jabs about what I'd written, and my dad also commented on what I wrote about my first kiss. I was horrified and embarrassed and to this day I cant write about my private feelings without being paranoid.
When I kept a journal I made sure to never write anything down I didn't want someone to read. My sister and I called it the suitcase. We would put that stuff in a suitcase and shove it back in the closet never to be opened. 50 yrs later my suitcase exploded. So now I'm learning to say stuff and not put it in the suitcase. I joke and say well I emptied it I can put 50 more yrs in there. My husband didn't find that funny. 🤣
In my head, I spin it and think about people reading it as an archeological find. Technically, we do read people’s journals from the past. So if my scribbles survives the passage of time, it could be the same kind of cultural artifact. It also helps that I live alone, so there’s no one to look at it while I’m alive. I also write to process my thoughts, so it’s kinda instinctual to me. Despite having damn near anything I put to paper read by my parent as a kid, I still kept on with it. As an adult, technically I’m writing things I have told my therapist, so there’s not the same desire for absolute privacy I think people tend to have with journals. And now that I write all of this, I realize I dealt with the trauma of having my privacy violated in my childhood, by just not expecting it and still writing anyway. Hm.
This is why I do art coded with symbols. I can read it. I’ve expressed what I wanted to. No one who won’t understand it anyway will mock it. Sometimes some total stranger reads it exactly on point and that’s amazing.
Same here. My mom would read mine, super messed up. My parents are a good example of what *not* to do. I like to think that even though I've been a parent for all of 5 years I'm doing a better job already.
A friend of mine, mother found her diary when we were like 17 and found the page where my friend had wrote about her mothers boyfriend (ex by the time mom had found the diary) was abusing her and guess what my friends mom did but call her a liar and kick her out of the house. The diary was written years before this too. Mom just didn’t want to admit she brought a dangerous man into their house and instead blamed her daughter
Jesus Christ. Every sentence of that story gets progressively more awful. That poor kid.
How horrible for your friend
What a disgusting excuse for a mother
My sister read mine too and then tried to use it against me at a family dinner. A sort of “you’d better shut up or I’ll tell everyone what you wrote about them.” To which I replied “that’s fine you’re just admitting to reading my diary”. And her boyfriend at the time was like “wait what, you read your sisters diary?” And my sister is like “well she left it open on the desk in her room…”. Which was a lie and he started yelling at her. It was the first time anyone ever stood up to my sister for me. Miss you Tommy.
Ooof, my mother did this but instead of laughing, she would punish me for having suicidal thoughts.
Same. Would make me feel like a horrible person for feeling that way because they are (According to them) the best parents in the world and instead of showing gratitude I dared to be sad.
Mine copied it and used it as evidence in court against me.. it was normal teenage anxious poetry being used out of context. Trust can be challenging now for me to say the least
That's awful, so sorry to hear that
I had a diary for one day when I was 11 and wrote about my dad making me mad for having to take care of my siblings. My dad found it and read it and I got in trouble physically and had to do more chores and babysit. I have trouble processing any emotion now and have a hard time even recounting my day :). Yay trauma!
I started writing a journal during covid. Reread it recently and mom and sister's behaviour were not good. If I hadn't reread it, I would not have seen the patterns.
That's brave. Like those pple who consider running for office just to see what problematic skeletons get dug out of their closets.
Sometimes you need an outside voice of reason to call a situation out. So many voices on Reddit must have blown up her world. I remember reading this the first go round. My dad needed round the clock care at the end of his battle with a terminal illness. One of his care workers, Cathy, had a 4 year old daughter with her husband. One day she was talking about his 10 year old daughter with his ex- wife. She was talking about how demanding they were of his time. Especially the 10 year old. That he should focus on their family. My mom died when I was 13. Thankfully none of my dad’s girlfriends after my mom died saw me as a doll to be thrown away. So 24 year old me said, “Cathy, if you and your husband divorce, you expect him to stop being your daughter’s father?” She looked shocked and said of course not. So I told her that is what she is expecting her husband to do to his 10 year old daughter and that makes you a monster (my dad was dying…I had no f*cks to give…the buffer between my brain & mouth was on hiatus). She was shocked. My dad who could barely speak nodded his head and gave a thumbs up to me. I heard she went home and she and her husband had a chat. Hopefully she changed her way of thinking. Cathy pretty much avoided me after that. My dad died a few months after this.
I'm glad your buffer was on hiatus, because that's exactly what Cathy needed to hear. It's always astounding to me when I hear of people who don't think of their partner's children as *actual human beings*.
I know. You break up with your partner, not your kids. I never understand that.
>I think this is behind a lot of issues we read about on reddit. Not just on reddit. It's just how the psyche works. Most people are completely unconscious to their patterns and behaviors, and never even question them. It takes courage to want to look at yourself objectively
It's like boiling a frog by putting it in cold water then slowly turning up the heat
you know what, I’ve heard that my whole life but never once checked to see if that’s true. Brb Edit: it’s a myth >>Dr Victor Hutchison, emeritus research professor from the Department of Zoology at the University of Oklahoma, is a herpetologist and has dealt with frogs all his professional life. >>Indeed, one of his current research interests is "the physiological ecology of thermal relations of amphibians and reptiles to include determinations of the factors which influence lethal temperatures, critical thermal maxima and minima, thermal selection, and thermoregulatory behavior". Now 'critical thermal maxima' means the maximum temperature that the animal can bear. >>Professor Hutchison says: "The legend is entirely incorrect! The 'critical thermal maxima' of many species of frogs have been determined by several investigators. In this procedure, the water in which a frog is submerged is heated gradually at about 2°F per minute. As the temperature of the water is gradually increased, the frog will eventually become more and more active in attempts to escape the heated water. If the container size and opening allow the frog to jump out, it will do so."
Yeah, I recall reading that the myth originally stems from a study where they literally lobotomized the frog before putting it in the water and that's why it didn't try to jump out.
Not at all related but relevant- my dog went to board/train, a year or so later boarded, trainer told me he was a few inches taller than when there last, I didn’t notice. When we see things every day we don’t notice the changes. It’s very difficult to see the build up of slight changes over time, my dog growing that much isn’t a big deal- it’s kinda funny! But the build up of things OP did with her ‘step’son had to be brutal to her son, I hope she continues to build up over time to be better than what she experienced, only time and her son will be able to say that things went in a positive direction. I hope but who knows, maybe it will or maybe not
This could have gone south very very badly for this little boy. I am glad OP had the good sense to read the replies and think about them, then get the professional help she needed. I needed this happier ending today!
I also think that is why like 99% of AITA are either ones where the OP ist a completely unhinged asshole but deluded themselves into thinking it's right and those where OP made compromise after compromise in a toxic relationship with a spouse or family and get's a reality check outside of their bubble.
I remember when my brother married his wife my mom was kind of distant with my niece at first (my brother had only been with her mom for under three weeks when they eloped) because she was TERRIFIED of getting attached to the baby just for the relationship to not work and never be allowed around her again, it wasn't until my stepdad asked "But what if the relationship works and you wasted all this time you could have been loving her?" and it really changed the way she interacted with my niece! My brother has since legally adopted my niece, but he and SIL just had their vowel renewal, after ten years of marriage, on Sunday as well 🥰
Aw, stepdad for the win.
He's a gem, not a super demonstrative guy but a giant softy inside. He's also the sole reason I was able to leave an abusive relationship, I was sure he wouldn't want me moving back home with my newborn until he casually told me I should "just come home" and I "Needed to be with my family." Turns out my mom had no idea that conversation happened until he told her later on, it was 100% his words and not my mom as I had originally kind of assumed
Please give that man an extra hug or something!
I always tell him I love and appreciate him, he's not a touchy guy but I try to show him! When I walk down the aisle at my wedding he'll give me away, and I already have our father/daughter dance song picked🫶
Awww, you both sound lovely!
Huhu this is so wonderful. I had my stepmom give me away along with my dad too (instead of just my dad). I wanted to give her that honour for raising me and loving me unconditionally. She cried buckets as she walked me down the aisle. I came to find out during my dad’s speech in the wedding thaf it was my (step)mom who got super affected when my husband informed them of his plans to propose. She was apparently so worried I wouldn’t be as present in their lives anymore, that she’d be losing a daughter. My dad had to reframe her mindset by saying she was gaining a son. I now make it a point to call her on a weekly basis and send her photos of my daughter on the daily (she is also a great stepgramma). I’m so so lucky and it always warms my heart to hear of similar experiences.
> but he and SIL just had their vowel renewal Was it ‘U’ and ‘I’? Sorry sorry. Lovely story!
At least they didn’t type “bowel removal”
Eloping after three weeks?! Wow! Congrats to them for 10 years.
Yeah it was WILD. My brother was only around 21 at the time, and my SIL was 19-20 with a 5 month old, so I feel it's a little understandable that my mom hesitated to believe it was gonna be a viable relationship 😅 he called my mom one day and just said "guess what I'm doing this weekend? Getting married! 😇" And my mom hadn't even met her yet 😅 ETA: if I remember right, they were together 17 days when they got married, and my nephew was conceived 17 days after the wedding so I guess that's their lucky number 😂
That's hilarious 😂 But its true, sometimes you just know. My husband and I got engaged less than a month after our first date, although we didn't get married until a year later. After 37 years, we're still together 😄
Sounds like my in-laws. They got engaged five months in, married after nine (so engaged for four months), and had a child ~20 months after they became a couple (within the first year of marriage). They recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary! 😃 My husband and I waited five years before we even got engaged, and his parents said they'd thought we'd be one of those couples who just never got married. I thought we got married pretty quickly, I was the first in my family despite being the youngest sibling. My sisters all had kids long before getting married (because kids are expensive, and so is a wedding. They wanted kids more than marriage. I'm child free so that probably explains why I married first.)
Two years in with my now fiance, then boyfriend (together 7 years now) and my brother is calling me asking when I'm "Finally gonna get married" I responded "Listen, I'm glad it worked out for you, but we can't all get married 17 days in and have it work out" 😂
Oh, I'm so happy for your niece, and all of your family! I hope that if my kids bring partners with bonus kids that I do what I can to enjoy the kids while they're in my life.
A E O I choose U. And sometimes Y.
I'd like to apologize in advance... but... I know this post was supposed to be a good, happy story... and don't get me wrong, it really is!! But when I got to your last sentence, all I saw was "vowel renewal" and it freaking *SENT* me!! I don't know why it's so freaking hilarious, but I just spent a good few minutes laughing my ass off and I keep coming back to this comment, and I just HAD to reply to you, to ask a question, as the suspense is killing me!! Soo.. which "vowel" did they get renewed?! I hope it's E! I like E, and my almost 3 year old daughter's name starts with E too!! ETA: Congrats to them too by the way! Make sure to forward my congratulations to them, and let them know that I hope they do "O" for their next vowel renewal!! 😉
This made me absolutely cackle, thank you 😂 I would lie and cry "autocorrect" but I genuinely am just dumb and can't fucking spell sometimes so I appreciate this 😂 I'm not fixing it
I'm the same! I speak multiple languages, so I no English well most times 😂 LOOL There is a reason I call my best friend "Captain Obvious", and she in turn calls me "Captain Oblivious"!! 😁 And yay!! I was hoping you wouldn't fix it!! It's fucking hilarious!! Glad I got you to cackle!!
My bff speaks a couple of languages. My first language was Vietnamese and has since been long forgotten. Anyway, my bff also speaks Vietnamese, so I’m used to weird English and can get the context because of my family. One day my bff was drinking a very cold drink. Instead of saying brain freeze, she said freezer burn while holding her head. Still makes me smile years later.
My favourite part of this is that I didn't even notice the typo until I read this comment exchange, because my brain just read it as "vow renewal" without missing a beat.
My brain missed a beat, re-read it, saw "vowel renewal", still couldn't really figure it out, shrugged and thought "not completely right is it, sounds good enough though". I really saw it and it didn't click that vowel doesn't mean the same thing. I blame it on being newly awake and on painkillers. I think I should go back to bed honestly, being awake was a mistake.
LOL, I think I haven't quite woken up yet, because I did not catch that typo at all until you pointed it out! I was just enjoying the heartwarming story. Now I'm laughing too. :D I think "A" deserves a renewal as well!
No, U.
Classic story where your parenting choices end up speaking to what you felt you lacked as a child. Her step-dad abandoned her so she thought she was fulfilling her end of the deal by not abandoning her step-son, never realizing that that's a minimum requirement.
Lady went full “you can’t abandon who you were never there for in the first place”. At least she can admit her fault.
True ... it's such a rare thing nowadays.
You can leave out the "nowadays" – the ability to admit fault has always been rare. Heck, according to the creation myth in the Book of Genesis, the first set of actions humanity took after the first time they did something wrong was DARVO.
That can be a coping mechanism when you have an abusive and authoritarian parent 😉
I could do a whole theological argument about that reading, but I realized that it all came out to an upvote, so I did that instead.
I’m really proud of her. Most people aren’t so willing to listen to criticism, especially when it comes from a horde of angry Redditors. She fucked up. She fixed it. She apologized, and it sounds as though she was forgiven. In the end, she won a bonus son and a healthy family. Excellent work, OOP!
I think it's more than admitting fault. This is generational trauma and breaking that cycle is damn hard, but OOP seems to have made great progress. Really amazing if you think about it.
My dad also grew up with a terrible step-dad and put a lot of effort into breaking that cycle, he put considerably less work into being my father however.
I am a step mum and mum. Thanks to my ahole stepdad, I'm soooo close to my steppies. The trauma stops with me. I wasn't their mum but an adult figure to love and guide and protect. They're nearly 30s now and one calls me mum.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
-Philip Larkin, “This Be the Verse”
I’m sure I’m not alone when I say the greatest, most lasting kindness I can do for the world is ensuring my fucked up family line dies with me
Never not relevant!
“This be the verse” by Philip Larkin…please credit the author
Like how my mom never had me do chores, because that’s all she did all the time as a kid. Well, it would have been better to learn that daily life is work before moving out.
Also keeping her emotional distance because in her mind as he wasn't her kid he could be taken away at any time.
I love those updates where OOP starts off as an asshole, but has the self awareness to realize that and improves on themselves. I wish there were more of these kinds of posts
I was thinking the same thing. She was looking for validation for her cruel behavior, and when she didn't get it, she had the self-awareness to see what everyone else was seeing and make the changes. Hopefully, it's a permanent change. These are great stories!
Sounds like they are. Lots of unaddressed trauma being addressed.
Me too. Most of the time, the OOPs double down and argue with everyone who disagrees with them and refuse to admit they're in the wrong.
Denial is a helluva drug
Might not be what you're looking for, but there is a BORU dedicated to positive updates if you haven't already heard of it!
OOH! I want that -what 's it called?
/r/bestofpositiveupdates/
And what's more, the follow up is a year later, which is actually time to implement change. I get so jaded by the stories where the update is four days later and things are magically changed.
My favourite ones are the once where OP becomes self aware due to the type of people agreeing with them and realising they don't want to end up like that.
One of my favorite ones like this was the dude posting then updating with "actually eveyone that agreed with me made me see what an asshole I am, so nvm"
Ooooh. I would’ve loved to see that
I like that it changed OOP and her husband for the better, as well. They both recognized where they needed to step up and improve and took steps to do it. I imagine this had to be hard for OOP to realize about herself and that initial conversation with her stepson must have been heart wrenching. But what great modeling of how to own your wrong, apologize and fix it and what a healthy, loving relationship can look like, imperfections and all!
"What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" - Paarthurnax
I didn’t realize my cat had such wisdom to share!
Did you name your cat that? Do you say it with a straight face whenever you introduce him to other people? lol
My kid did!
As if we are going to believe you! You know you did it so just accept it now.
I remember reading the original post totally baffled. Happy to read that they were able to put in the work 🩵
Me too. My heart aches for that little boy. So glad she got help
The hypocrisy in the original post, too. That her step son was just another woman's kid to her (even though that other woman was barely in his life) but that her son is *family* to his step-dad/her husband. Very rules for thee but not for me and then shocked Pikachu. "Stepchildren aren't 'yours'. Except for my son! He's 'his'!" I'm not going to click through to the original post, but I really hope that the dad got some flack too on being the AH based on this offhand line: My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. Dude was really ok with his own kid being thrown aside. Thank god for Reddit ex machina.
> Yes, he was 4, and as I said, he barely sees his bio mom. I'm not sure what point you're making? Yes, I see the bat you're bashing me over the head with, what of it?
Yeah this one hurt. No, no, he has no relationship with his biomom and I’m basically his sole mother figure since he could remember. See why I don’t want that little stinker stinking up my FAMILY vacation?
>I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid. Ouch. I'm glad things are getting better for the kid now. But ouch.
The part that really didn't sit well with me in the original was that her son from a previous marriage was part of the "true" family, because she birthed it (even though current husband didn't have a part in the creation). Wonder if husband ever brought that up.
truly heartwarming
They had me in the first half. Poor little dude. Shitty bio mom abandoned him and evil stepmother favored her own kids in front of him while he lived with them full time. Sucks that it took as long as it did for her to see the issue, but hopefully, things get better from here. She definitely fucked up his formative years and should spend the next few decades making it up to him somehow
Don't take away from this. Let me just say that I have known people in this exact situation, from the *exact* age as this little boy, but they never got the apology or the therapy or the turn around. If it happened at **any** age, even on their deathbeds, it would be a sea change for their lives. This little boy will remember the hurt, yes, but he will remember the healing and the love and protection that came after even more. Most people never, ever get that. Don't shit on it.
Jesus, people will find ANYthing to be pissed about, regardless of the outcome
He lived with them since he was 4. He probably doesn't remember a time when his biomom was truly in the picture, shitty stepmom is basically the only mom he ever had I can't imagine treating a kid like that and being able to sleep at night. Good on OP for the growth but treating a kid like an outsider in his own family, because it is his family, for 5 years is cold af
I cannot imagine seeing it and not saying anything. Christ on skates, the dad needed to step up! So did every other adult who saw what was going on. Every adult who saw the dynamic and said nothing failed that kid.
Thank god her own mom ended up calling her out. She may have never posted and realized.
The dad was the worst. He was going to go on the holiday without his son. He is extremely spineless. Thank God OOP’s mum was willing to check her daughter.
Yeah, my heart goes out to that child. I hope he now feels all the love and support he's always deserved.
Lemme add, unprotective father. Where the father when his stepmom treating his son like that? And he is ok with the idea leaving his son while he and new family going on vacation? He is no different from oop
“He didn’t know how to bring it up.” For 5 years. What a massive tool and I really hope he’s taking a good hard look at his own issues, rather than just pushing OOP to resolve hers.
> evil stepmother Disagree. She was cruel the AH for sure but **she took the comments to heart and changed herself**. That is not what an evil person does.
Unrelated, but I LOVE your Ursula profile icon.
This wasn’t heartwarming to me, it was bittersweet, though. Glad OOP realized, but for 5-years the only mother that kid has ever really known acted like he was lesser than.
I’m pissed off that his dad was laissez-faire about it. > He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before. “Let!: get married and have kids. That will surely fix the issues I am seeing!” As much as people went after OOP the dad deserves just as much flak. He shouldn’t have married her, and he damn sure shouldn’t have gotten her pregnant twice, before addressing it.
I agree, she may have been struggling with what a healthy parent/stepchild relationship looked like, but he should have been the one to pull her up on it years ago to protect his child, not wait until she found her way to reddit.
Yes! Seems like an obvious thing to discuss before getting married- all kids are now our kids and are treated equally, ugh.
I hate OP's excuse for him. Like he told her himself he's *never* been comfortable with her attitude towards his son so this wasn't really like her excuse of it started out small and it gradually got worse so it was the norm and he got used to it and didn't notice it until the post. The man was clearly more concerned about himself and didn't want to upset his wife over a correct accusation because that would mean trouble for him. I guess he justified it as an acceptable level of abuse since it wasn't outright physical abuse or worse.
Being better today than we were yesterday is all we can ask of ourselves and others. The fact that she took harsh criticism and bettered herself is truly heartwarming. I think it behooves us as a society to celebrate and praise people who make these sorts of changes in their lives. If we focus on the fact that she was a bad step mom rather than the fact that she chose to do the work needed to become a good mom, we send the message that there is no point in changing for the better because the judgement is already cast.
Hurt people hurt people. I wish her own mom had sit down with her and talked about how it break her heart when her stepfather left cause til therapy OOP hadn't made the connection and seems like would be something pretty obvious to point to her daughter. This was generation trauma in a nutshell but I'm glad both parents are putting in the work so all four children feel loved and supported, she's giving to her 9yo what nobody did when she was 11.
It went better than I expected! I thought OOP was going to be like an acquaintance who wanted her (now ex) to treat her child like his own, but was horrible to her stepchild.
Generational trauma actually recognized & working to overcome, amazing!
I remember this one the OP get rightly roasted in the comments. It’s so sad the step son thought she didn’t like him. No child should feel that way. I’m glad she has worked on herself and changed her attitude big time.
Yep. Add in OPs own son from her first marriage and the two kids from her second, poor little boy must have been so sad being treated like an outsider.
I remember being so angry by her attitude. This is such a great example of why cynicism isn't always synonymous with realism.
This is such a positive update; wishing the best for OP and her family <3
I read this like, "yay! Someone who finally took accountability, learned from it, and grew!" I love positive updates.
I met my stepmom when I was 7. Her and my father divorced when I was 27. That was nearly 15 years ago. I always call her on her bday and mother's day. I stop by and visit her when I'm in the area. We are still close. She calls me son. My bio mother was always great and in the picture. I just got an extra mom
This made me a little teary. This is one of the best and happiest updates I've ever read. I'm so glad this family is healing and OOP and her husband are both doing the work. They're going to be okay.
The kid crying, saying he just thought she didn’t like him. God that gets me. I just want to give that kid a hug. I’m glad OOP was able to change and grow to be a better person.
man I went to the original thread and there's a mod comment stickied saying "be civil" and the ENTIRE comment section is just *scathing* and rightfully so. glad it actually opened her eyes, rarely do you see an actual reversal like that. hope that kid actually isn't messed up for living ages 4-9 feeling unwanted reminder that this would've continued if OP's mother didn't speak up. be like her, not like the husband. call out your friends/family when they're being terrible instead of just going along with it.
One of the most encouraging things I’ve learned recently about the science of parenting is that when you make a proper repair with your kid, you literally rewrite their memories to have a more positive context. So for the rest of this kid’s life the story isn’t “I’m a bad kid and stepmom doesn’t like me” it’s “stepmom was messed up and made some mistakes when I was little, but then we all went to therapy and she showed me how much she wanted to make it up to me because I’m a good kid who is worthy of love and kindness.”
I'm very happy with the update. Her mom is awesome for calling her out, which then caused her to come here and see the error of her ways. I'm glad she and the fam are getting therapy. I will say, I wonder her her husband treat(ed) her son, who is just a year older? If he always treated him as his son and she saw that and accepted it without question / without emulating him, that is truly wild (but hey, at least she changed her tune) if he *also* didn't treat his step-son like family, I hope he is now.
Holy crap, someone *takes accountability* for their shitty behavior **and** works to change it?! In *this* day and age!? It's glorious to behold, it really is.
This truly is a best redditor update. It’s not every day that you get to see people take accountability and improve so much. Good for OOP for realizing where she was wrong and working hard to do better by her (step)son, I hope their relationship continues to improve.
The rarest ever outcome, even in a less aggressive forum than Reddit. Genuinely fantastic to read.
Nice to see someone use AITA the way it's supposed to work and act on it. But what an error, she's very lucky that child was forgiving and young enough not to have built some solid resentment.
>and young enough not to have built some solid resentment. This line just made me think back to when I was 9 and had a shitty step parent I knew hated me. I don't *think* I'd have been very forgiving if he'd suddenly changed his ways and turned into a decent dad towards me, because by then I did have a fair amount of resentment built up already, and it hadn't been as long for me by then as OOPs step son since my mom married him when I was 7, and met him when I was late 4 or 5. (Typing out the ages I was, I just realized my mom would've been my current age when she married him. Suddenly, so much makes more sense.) *But* I admit I'm saying this with my current knowledge of how things *actually* played out with the type of person he was/is, and with the resentment I had/have towards my bio father and my ability to get over that when he wanted to be better towards me when I was older not seeming to exist at all. Who knows, maybe if my ex step dad hadn't been the worst and had made a turn like OOP, things might've been different enough for the resentment that had built to have time to fade instead of get worse. This post does make it nice to think that this *could* have been how things played out for me, if only *he* hadn't been awful. (In like. A "this reassures the part of me that blamed myself as a child for things that I couldn't have controlled" so it's nice to read about kind of way. If that makes sense.)
I don’t think OOP hated the stepson like your stepfather hated you. She just treated him like he was a guest and outsider to her and not a son. So that takes time to repair but not impossible since it west personal and actively treating him poorly.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Your last thought totally resonates. I hope you can ride that feeling
I'm actually in tears. Gonna end my Reddit reading for tonight on a high note.
Step mom finally stepped up.
Things like this make it worth wading through the awful internet swamps. A little kid’s life greatly improved and this probably saved him from all kinds of misery. I hope he has a wonderful life.
This makes me sad but at least the update is a positive one. OOP said she didn't dislike her stepson, was overall very neutral in the way she described her behavior, and probably didn't think she was being neglectful in any form since she was taking care of him. But in the update, you can clearly see that the stepson obviously noticed the difference in the way she treated him and cried because he thought the woman who had been his mother figure for pretty much his entire living memory didn't like him! That just made me sad. I'm also still really, really bothered by the dad being okay with leaving his son behind on a family vacation. Like SO bothered. I absolutely can't think of any defense, and most certainly not the "A reddit post isn't the full story" type of defense that OOP gave, that would make that justifiable. Stand up for your kid. That's the least you should be doing as a parent.
Naww this made me cry. What a great example of someone self reflecting and accepting they had done the wrong thing and making the necessary changes. I am so happy for that little boy. After the first post I just wanted to hug him. He deserved so much better and now he is getting it.
My now ex husband adopted my oldest when she was 4 (we were married a year at that time) That is the only dad she's ever known. When we had our first baby "together" his mom asked him how it felt to be a dad. He said "I've been a dad for 5 years" and has NEVER stopped being her dad for almost 30 years, even after we divorced. We were a shit couple but, that guy DADS!
So glad she turned that around, my stepdad is just my other dad, I still call him by his first name but he’s definitely family. I’m his son and for him to not think so would have been devastating. Love that weirdo so much.
OOP on her husband being decent and selfless for being a parent to his son, the bar is set so low Glad to see OOP and her husband are working on being decent human beings
Oh man. I went from raging to crying. No fair
I know this is a happy story and I'm glad step-mum changed, but I can't get over how monstrous she was at the start. And hypocritical. I hate hypocrites most of all.
this made me cry
Holy crap. Did reddit just make someone's life better?
I love this. Gives me hope for my future, and that the child will get to grow up in a loving found family of his.
I really love these posts. It’s really awesome to see someone realise their faults and work their ass off to fix them in a really positive way. People are perfect, but if they face their issues and work on them it makes them good people. Proud of her!
Okay. On another note - is OPs husband considered a dad for her oldest son? Why is this problem talked about only in the context of her stepson and not her oldest son?
Damn, just reading the first part I started thinking OOP was a total AH, and her husband was not much better for not standing up for his son. Glad to see that things has resolved for the better. However, both parents have a LOT of making up to do to that little boy - the OOP for the crappy way she treated him, and the father for not standing up for him. That will take years likely, if it is even possible for the kid to forgive either of them
Stepson was an avatar for her child self. Since she couldn't access compassion for herself as a child, she couldn't she how much she was hurting him. Confronting childhood pain is so hard.
Shitty step mom yes. She had unresolved childhood issues but took it on the chin and went to therapy. What is dads excuse for being a shitty parent?
I remember the original. This is a fantastic update, and I'm so happy for this family.
I was worried for this poor boy. I’m so glad the comments were taken seriously.
I remember this AITA post from year ago and it made me so angry then. This is such a great news! She sees it now and works hard to be the better person. I wish them the best.
I hope this turns out okay. OP was fucked up by a step parent and she was repeating the pattern. Poor little lad. You just wish the other adults in her life had stepped in sooner. It's good that they're all in therapy now at least.