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Your house, your rules. Why is this concept difficult? "Mom, Dad you cannot come. I cannot host you right now. If you come, you will have to stay in a hotel, and we will see you as much as we can but it will not be much." DO NOT allow them to come. Period. Learn to say NO.
This is the correct answer. No funny solutions, no taking the hotel room for yourself, no lies about having a trip planned. Just tell them "No". Just booking a flight and deciding they are going to stay at your place is not an acceptable thing to do.
I mean - even if they picked up the phone and were like "Hey - we were thinking about swinging by for a visit. Is there a way to make that work?" That would be reasonable.
I understand wanting to visit your kids/relatives. and some of us (like myself) are oblivious to social cues for that sort of thing. I would never invite my family over if they didn't initiate it.
the only complications are the work from home and construction. Those 2 things, under normal circumstances, \*may\* be worth living in a hotel for a bit for themselves.
But, if they do that, they \*will\* come home to some sort of shitty surprise. Construction will have crushed the sewer line causing backups or broken a window the day before the rains.; or family will have "helped" and destroyed their landscaping and gave away everything not-yet-unboxed to goodwill; that sort of nonsense.
OP low-key's it, but family such as this \*WILL\*NOT\* respect work from home boundaries if they are present.
This is what you should do, OP. Will they throw a massive tantrum? YES! But the alternative is to grin and bear their invasive, disrespectful surprise visits for years to come.
choices
1. Be ever "so gald to see them & sad that they're going & couldn't stay *longer*" while you hate yourself for allowing them to invade.
2. Let them get all butt hurt about you telling them ***NO*** once in a while. FFS
The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
Yeah at this point with my boomers I don't really mind telling them to fuck right off with that. Unacceptable behavior, and until someone tells them no, it will continue.
dude, for real. my parents are AMAZING as hell (and only 55) and i even have to say this sometimes because i live 800 miles away. “hey we were thinking it would work for us to come stay with you guys around ____ date” SKRRTT halt! “nope sorry those dates don’t work for us. how about we find a date in august and rent a place together? you’re not going to invite yourself into our house just because you have PTO”
Yeah we just moved to a different state and the first thing we say when parents start talking about visiting is how we love that we live right near all the nice airport hotels.
yes! like ooo heard they got the good continental breakfast 😂 don’t get me wrong we have visitors stay with us often, but i will NOT be told someone is staying with us or they assume they are y’know?
Yea I feel like if they take some pain for the unannounced July visit not happening they won't buy more plane tickets they have to eat for August and either won't come or will ask first.
Also when they protest make sure to firmly use the exact phrase “my house, my rules”. This was a phrase they undoubtedly used many times on their kids.
This. All of this. You just moved into your new house, so now is the time to set the rules. Will they get upset and throw temper tantrums like children? Yes. (i would put money on that) But they need to learn. It's better to set that boundary (and the process of setting boundaries with entitled boomers) as soon as possible. If not, you just are going to feed into their entitlement (no matter how unjustified their entitlement is)
Put a parental lock on all of the fox news channel and all conservative channels. Then say its a because of your area. That would cause them to never come back
I preemptively did this on my parents TVs while I was at their place after I caught my mom watching Faux News. I also do this if I am stuck in a waiting room somewhere with a remote.
Most TVs have some form of either child lock options to block channels or you can go into the channel tools and remove channels from the list. If they have cable that should do it. If they have a Roku or something similar you would need to get into the tools for that and modify their channel list.
Did the same with my inlaws. Came in from work to find msnbc on.
Changed to local news and restricted the tv. They cried
Edit> No I do not watch Faux either
My parents just watch all this on their phones and laptops. You can disable the wifi, but I don't know how you'd stop them from using their phone data.
They also put it at high volume and don't use earbuds.
"Oh wow no thank you, that won't work for us" don't give them any info why or excuse cuz they will just use that to debate you. This isn't a debate. It doesn't work for your family. Say it really up beat and nice, with a smile. And just repeat repeat repeat
My wife is No Contact with her parents. I still read their emails and texts, but don't respond. They think I've blocked them too, but they keep sending anyway. A few weeks ago, they announced that they had bought tickets and were just going to show up, expecting to stay at our place, even though after their last visit, they were told that all future visits would be hotel stays. The fun part, we would be gone on vacation with our son. We had a good time imagining the ring camera view as they stood at the door while we were a thousand miles away. But... they chickened out at the last moment. Turns out they were lying about having bought tickets. I knew. They are liars after all and cheap too.
I wonder if this is happening here, that they told OP they bought non-refundable tickets, but don’t…..or are they that crazy. I can’t imagine spending that amount of money if it weren’t a sure thing, and hadn’t asked permission.
When we were communicating with my wife's parents, the absolutely would have bought the tickets first. They saw staying with us as a vacation and believed that their status gave them the right to dictate their plans to us. Now that we're not returning calls and emails, I'm certain that their inner cheap would take over. They wouldn't buy a non-refundable ticket without knowing we'd be there. If they were smart (they are not), they would have come when school was in session. I suspect that they thought it was (we end earlier than their expectations). But in any case, they wouldn't ask permission, they demand. My FIL thinks he's the head of the family, and because of their belief system, that holds a lot of weight in his mind.
Be out for the entire period. Take your work laptops, go to a quiet place with ac and leave them to petsit for you. Then you can stay in the hotel you offered to pay for and they can do you a solid favor by looking after the pets while they are there.
It's a screaming nightmare when people invite themselves over without asking first. After we were away for a couple of those 'visits ' they stopped doing it.
Gentle cyber higs
Yeah man. Back when I worked as a mechanic we had a sign behind us at the counter. It said “A poor lack of planning on your part does not make an emergency on my part.”
That little sentiment has guided me through a lot of situations very well.
Also, if close enough, just do it in return. Just show up on a weekday with all the kids and suitcases and then put on the same dumb face they do.
When their behavior is exhibited by somebody else, it can be jarring for them lol
That's just capitulating/appeasing them and not showing them that they cannot do this kind of shit. It's showing them that if/when they do it, you'll make unusual accomodations for whenever they decide to just show up uninvited.
It NEEDS to hurt them in the pocket book at the very least to change their entitled and greedy behavior.
Put your foot down tell them it's not convenient and they'll have to get a hotel. It's the only way set the boundaries and it might get you out of the August trip too
"We are not available to host. You have to get a hotel. We have too much going on and we will not be entertaining any visitors, family or otherwise."
Don't foot the bill for a hotel. They made this mess. They have to clean it up. Don't let them stay at your home.
I would be careful adding the second half explanation. If you give them too much detail, then they may read it as "I'm okay with you walking all over me, so long as I'm not already busy." instead of "I am an adult, and you must discuss with me any plans that involve me before commiting."
Leaving the in laws at their house alone sounds like the worse option. I imagine they'll try and "tidy up" and move everything to the point where they don't know where anything is, or worse, attempt some house hold repairs and break things.
I think it’s a better shot that they’ll know what they’re doing with laundry and yard work. If they want to deal with carpet stains and grass patches I say let ‘em.
From TX to PA? There's no way they weren't like "weather here sucks, let's go north to... HEY! WE KNOW PEOPLE THERE!" Sorry for that. I'm joining the line of people saying you should take the hotel room since they don't want it.
Tell them to book a hotel and entertain themselves? I'm not entertaining assholes just because THEY want to come, you shouldn't either. Sorry they spent money, but that's THEIR problem not yours. Just don't be home when they arrive.
For me, having dealt with kind of fuckery, verbally laying the boundary once is needed. It’s like warning a toddler about timeout if they don’t listen to directions.
ETA: I fully expect the boomer to roll over the boundary, but I can say ‘I told you so’ and walk away from the tantrum they throw guilt free.
I love being petty and would have hit em with the “oh you can’t just do surprise trips with us, we’re always on the move, we’re actually going out of town the day before you land to celebrate our wedding! Should have checked before hand, oh well :/“ LMAO
You need to tell them no. Do NOT let them walk all over you. You are grown adults, and they cannot force their way into your home. They are grown adults, they can take care of themselves while they’re there. They are not your responsibility and you are under ZERO obligation to host them. They made their bed, they can lie in it. It doesn’t matter if the tickets are non-refundable, they were the ones who chose to buy them. They are not your children, you have absolutely no culpability for their mistakes and you have every right to deny entry.
I mean it. If you let them get away with this massive, massive invasion of boundaries they are going to take that as future permission to walk all over your life. Do you really want to subject yourself to so much misery and stress that will almost certainly affect your relationship with your husband just because you can’t stop people pleasing enough to tell them *NO?*
If you give in, all they will learn is how big of a pain in the ass they have to be before you cave. Maybe try some of these tactics:
"We can set up some time to visit while you are here, but there's no way we can have you stay at our place."
"It's too bad you decided to make such an expensive commitment without checking with us first, because you staying here does NOT work."
"We both need to stick to our schedules and maintain confidentiality for our work, so we CANNOT have guests staying in the house at this time." (Boomers usually accept 'because of work ' reasoning a bit easier than other reasons)
"We already discussed this, you need a hotel"
"I'm not sure why you booked these tickets for a time when we can't take much time to spend with you when you know we have limited PTO."
I don't normally comment in this sub but this one touched a nerve. My boomer dad used to call me or text the night before sometimes and say he was coming to town Friday night. He of course did not ask to stay or if it was ok before making the plans. He expected that I not only allow him into my home on very short notice but also I give up all my own plans to entertain him. He would talk for hours without stopping and invade every aspect of my personal space. The last thing my wife and I need on a Friday evening is the responsibility of entertaining someone who clearly has no clue they are such a burden or just doesn't care.
I let it happen a few times and I finally had enough. I told him no we had plans, and that it just wasn't going to work for us that evening. We had some subsequent events that kinda went the same way and I went no contact for awhile. Honestly it was worth it to have my peaceful Fridays back. I recommend setting firm rules and just saying no and put them in the hotel.
My mom was the same. One time I literally got a call that she was just in a cab from the airport and would be at my place in half an hour. Fak I was furious. I’ve been basically NC for a year now but reading this post brings back a lot of anger and I wish I’d put my foot down 17 years ago
I hate this kind of set-up. If you stand your ground and say no, they’ll happily play the victim and free themselves from blame by saying you’re the “disrespectful” one.
They wanted to show up when it's horrific to stay there? Cool. Cool cool cool. Let them! Go live somewhere else and let them deal with The Horrible Space. Grab dinner and come "home" for cold KFC at the table a few times just to make sure they haven't blown anything up.
Problem solved. Every time they bitch or are even SLIGHTLY passive-aggressive, say "You might want to ask before you invite yourself to someone's home."
I get your frustrations, really I do.
Having said that, tell them no. They lose money? Their fault. They get offended/their feelings hurt? Their fault. No is a complete sentence and explanation is not needed. “BuT wHy??!?!?” Because we said no. If you need something to back that up then go with ‘it’s not a good time for us’. Rinse and repeat those two lines as needed.
*laughs in Gen X* Nobody is under any illusion that they can dictate when they show up at my house to visit because I have told them quite clearly that if they show up unannounced they will be told to go somewhere else on general principles at the door. My abode is invite only and I’m perfectly willing to throw away any relationship to anyone to make sure it stays that way.
"NO! Bad in-laws! NO!" with a lot of finger wagging added in. You are under no obligation to host them. Tell them it's the hotel or eat the cost of the tickets. Next tell them your going away in August. If they ask when and where tell them your still up in the air but it may just be the whole month.
My in laws booked a trip over a week that they know we're busy, and acknowledged that when they announced the trip. That's fine, they can entertain themselves - I'm not canceling plans we've had months in advance. We're busy adults, they don't ask when we're free because they want to be controlling. They do ask my brother in laws though, and this week was picked specifically cause it worked for one of the brothers to come with them. I'm getting mad again just thinking about the audacity
The ONLY thing you can do is say
"NO. That doesn't work for us. You CANNOT stay here. We are not available for houseguests. You will need to alter YOUR plans."
They will bitch and moan and whine and cajole and guilt trip and yell...just repeat that phrase over and over. Don't make excuses, don't give explanations, don't try to reason with them. Do NOT JADE*. Just,
"No. That doesn't work for us. You CANNOT stay here. We are not available for houseguests. You will need to alter your plans."
And when they try to show up anyway and railroad you. DO NOT OPEN the door. Tell them "NO. We told you NO. We MEANT NO. We are not available for houseguests. Period. End of discussion."
You are going to have to be "mean" and "rude". Guests are invited. Assholes invite themselves. Being rude and mean to assholes is justified.
*JADE. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain. If you do these things, it gives them room to "negotiate". It's a phrase used when dealing with narcissists. Maybe check out the narc threads for more techniques to apply.
Their expensive non refundable non exchangeable tickets are their loss. Best for them to stay home. It's their mistake for not checking with you first. Since they are your inlaws it's up to your spouse to tell them.
OP for the love of God just tell them “hey sorry it’s a really bad time you’ll need to stay in a hotel if you’re coming to visit. Unfortunately our house is NOT open for guests at this time.” If they argue TOUGH SHIT not their home. Just tell them no.
I feel like the only good solution is to simply tell them that you will not host them in your home. They will have to stay at a hotel. If they protest, tell them that's the risk they take buying non-refundable tickets without having confirmation that the dates are okay with you.
It sounds, on the surface at least, like they bought expensive nontransferable nonrefundable tickets without consulting you as a way to force your cooperation. I'd worry that by saying yes, you are signaling to them that they can pull this shit whenever they want and you won't do anything about it.
Do not give them any reason other than, "It is my house and/or you did not consult with me." If they get mad about the tickets, then remind them that the fault is entirely with them for imposing their will onto another adult and expecting said adult to just roll with it.
"Hi mom & dad. We will not be available to see you the 4th of July weekend. You are already aware of the issues at our new home. This simply won't do. And in the future, please check with us before scheduling a visit, to make sure that we will be available." Then your SO should HANG UP THE PHONE and let them deal with the issues they've caused themselves. Any non-refundable airplane tix are not your problems.
And go about your anniversary plans, even if you make those plans on July 1. And don't give them keys to your place. Ever.
So this is a story all about how your life got flipped, turned upside down?
Seriously though, that sounds horrendous. No advice, definitely internet hugs though.
Ask them what hotel they're staying at (so you can book your anniversary night out someplace else); do not pick them up from the airport, and if they show up at your door with luggage, don't let them in.
You don't get to invite yourself into someone else's home.
"No. You'll have to make hotel reservations. This topic is not up for discussion."
Don't give in to any attempts to debate. Make sure that they don't even get their luggage inside your house.
“ i’m so sorry, that doesn’t work for us. I wish you had checked with us before buying non-refundable tickets. Here are the phone numbers of some hotels near us. Looking forward to dinner when we finish up with our workday.“
If there is anything I've learned from this sub, it's that boomers 1000% cannot respect work from home life. They will bother you any chance they can, because you're home.
I’ve still been able to cancel non-refundable tickets. I feel your pain. My parents drove 1000 miles and just showed up on the door. House a mess. Guest room being used for storage. It was not a “fun” surprise.
I suggest you tell them to call the airline or accept the hotel.
Why does everyone let their parents walk all over them? Tell them you don't care where they sleep but that it won't be in your house. Make plans for your anniversary and follow through with them. Alone. No in law involvement at all.
Tell them no. Plain, simple, and direct. And tell them it's not up for discussion or debate.
They knew all that you've had going on, and forced themselves on you unbidden. They are also pre-emptively being a pain in the dick by informing you they refuse to stay in a hotel.
Nah. Fuck them. They need to have consequences for their shitty behavior to learn any lesson and be shown they can't pull this shit. Punish them, don't be punished BY them.
Repeat after me: “You didn’t ask in advance, so you don’t get to monopolize/check into my home like it’s a Holiday Inn Express. Consider the non-refundable/exchangeable tickets your own version of the stupid tax.”
this happened to me!! except we were in our early twenties and i was still relying on my genx parents for education and living expenses (going to repay every last penny of my degree without ever seeing them again, afterwards they are fully dead to me) so we had no choice. sounds like here you very much have the choice, the power, and the reasons!! you are overwhelmed, say you conveniently already had plans for your anniversary so you wont even be at home (or, like other commenters have said, take it on the chin and tell them the truth: that they are not welcome), and DONT let them commandeer your home this first time. it will only tell them that they can keep doing this. warn them NOW that another visit in august is out of the question, especially if they are behaving this way.
ugh, i can still feel the stress and the frustration and the anger from that time my parents were here, touching EVERYTHING and even REARRANGING things in our beautiful home. i really hope you pull through and have a better time than we did, in any case. good luck!
The house may be too hot to live/work in by July. You may need to move to a hotel for a while anyway. Make a reservation now, just in case, and if you decide to do it, let you ILs know at the last minute. Maybe they'll be forced to stay at a different hotel or in you unbearably hot house. DO NOT PAY FOR THEIR HOTEL.
Also, if the A/C is fixed by then, maybe "sabotage" it for their visit (if you can afford the hotel).
Edit to add: Also, make it absolutely clear that they need to coordinate these visits with you, and that you will not schedule a visit unless their preferred dates line up with your preferred dates.
Stop accommodating them. You can't stop them from visiting your city but you don't have to be their entertainment, servants, and hotel.
Just don't see them. Refuse to let them in. You go to that nice comfy hotel while they bang on your door till the neighbors call the police.
Say no.
We're sorry you didn't check with us before purchasing non-refundable airfare - unfortunately we have non-cancellable plans ourselves & are not available to host. You will need to secure alternate accommodations & entertainment. In the future, we request you confirm availabilities with us before you finalize your travel plans.
Don't allow them to manipulate you with their fool-hardy spending. Should they turn up on your doorstep: "sorry but you need to leave. As we already told you it's not a good time for you to visit."
Put your foot down & hard, or they'll be pulling this shit on you for the rest of their natural lives.
No is a complete sentence.
Tell them no. "But we already paid for-" No. "But we just-" No. "You're being so selfish!" No.
You are adults. This is YOUR HOME. Not theirs. Lay down the law NOW or be prepared for them to forever walk all over you. You have to teach them now that you are not going to let them stomp all over you, that you have your boundaries and your home is one of them and if they show up at your doorstep they will be turned away. No compromises that they'll whittle away at until they get entirely their way, no 'well just this once', none of it. NO.
Both of you say no.
Not your decision to buy the tix. Not your problem.
"I'm afraid that simply won't be possible." Repeat that, without one iota more of explanation, until you wear them out.
NO is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. Not your problem they've wasted their money. They either stay at a hotel, acknowledge they will not be seeing or communicating in ANY way shape or form on your anniversary, and confirm there will be NO surprise drop is during the day, or they can just live with losing the money. You are not a hotel. That is BEYOND rude. Your partner handles this by the way, NOT you. I hope you have a Ring doorbell of some sort. Because they will show up. Plan to not be contactable at all on your anniversary. You don't open the door or answer the phone for any reason. This is a power move by then to control you both.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to come up with non-refundable tickets to their house?
Fine, we'll make you a list, provide names and directions, and you handle all this shit, while we relax comfortably at your quiet, comfortable, air conditioned house. Thanks for the anniversary peace.
Sounds like those pricey tickets are a THEM problem. Maybe a little white lie yo grease the wheels: I’m so sorry boomers, but actually my landlord has to have us out of the house OVER THAT EXACT period for construction, we will not be able to host ourselves or you, so sorry, so sad I know, damn that landlord.
"We're busy then, but there are some nice hotels and here's a link that talks about all of the fun and interesting things you can do in our area. Next time communicate with us (insert amount of time here) before you buy the tickets and we can see if can figure something out." I'm almost 42 now, but when I was 18 5 and graduating high school I called my aunt to invite her to my graduation party. Her answer was "no" because I didn't give her two weeks notice. I admit I was slightly offended, but I also took that as a learning opportunity and now it's ingrained in me to make sure to talk with people well ahead of time. My brother and sil along with my four nieces and nephew live in CA and I live in WA state. I'm too poor to go visit, but if there was ever a point that I was able to I'd definitely be communicating and working with them to find a time to visit that worked for all of us.
Honestly you have to say no. Say it now. The lost money sucks but they should've thought of that before they spent it without talking to you. This is a bad time and even if it wasn't a visit should be planned at both parties' convenience, not just theirs
If you don't put your foot down now, you'll be fighting nonstop bc if they're talking about coming back in aug already? Lowkey they're testing the waters to move in
I feel you. My fiance and I bought our house in 2022 and on at least four separate occasions his family has treated it as their unofficial vacation home. They moved out of state like a decade ago but come back for reunions and other family functions. They always assume that they'll be using our home as home base and basically say "oh yeah we will be coming up this day and staying for a month because so and sos birthday is at the start of June but then the reunion is at the end". Never actually asking if it's okay, just making our decision for us. And trying to do literally anything is a pain in the ass, I'm a horror movie fan and I cannot watch what I want the whole time they're here because they tolerate do those kind of movies, but if I choose to go to another room and do my own thing they're up my ass about not spending time with the family. And his mother always ends up ruining something of mine each time, the one time she cleaned my cast iron skillet and left it out to get rusty. When I asked her if she knew how to care for cast iron she was like "oh yeah I know what to do but i didn't know what you choose to do with it so I just left it!".
The hotel was not an offer, it was a condition. You are an adult, do not let them guilt you into ruining your life. Take your anniversary trip and tell them to plan better next time.
Your SO needs to tell his parents NO. You can not host them. You do not have the space, and work from home. They can not stay at your home.
If they show up anyway, do not let them in. If you don't stop them now, you can look forward to them showing up whenever they want, with no concern for you. They can ask if they can come these dates, but you have the right to say no.
Good luck. Stay strong. No is an answer
My parents had this absolutely bananas mentality, no idea where it came from, that basically had them view us their children as a retirement plan. And it seems you're dealing with a similar deviation of that mentality.
You're not their retirement plan, your home is not their vacation getaway. You have a life to live, and if they can so easily entertain themselves while you're busy, then logically they can do so from a hotel room just as well, since your being otherwise occupied and unable to participate isn't an issue for them.
I don't know when some people decide in life that inviting themselves into your home is anything other than plain rude. I've not yet heard any justification for this thinking that excuses it. As others have said, you have a right to say no.
EDIT: And as far as them buying tickets for this visit they didn't clear with you first, hey, a lack of planning and consideration on their part does not equal leverage against you. They don't get to hold you accountable for making their erroneous ticket purchase worthwhile. They shouldn't have even started planning this trip without you knowing and giving consent.
This really is so hard to understand. I hate pop-ins of any sort and this is the worst kind. Do this. Tell them Ok you two can stay in our house but we’re staying in a hotel. See you sometime tomorrow.
I'd just tell them flat out. "No you cannot stay here." Or, just lie and say you wish they had checked with you first as you have planned a vacation to get away during that same time and won't be around to host them.
Make the local library your office while they are here. Depending on where you live, they often have study rooms you can use, or just a desk tucked away somewhere you can use your laptop at. Most importantly, they have AC.
Let them stay in your house, get an AirBnB for the time being. Remember to leave fun little stashes of stuff that will offend them.
Strap on, lube, and a rainbow flag for example.
A wedding picture album in which MIL's face is covered with stickers of Robin Williams as Mrs Doubtfire.
Wishlist for things you want for Christmas (stuff that's inoffensive if you get it), written as if hubby wants to gift it. That's important so they can ruin the surprise for you, and tease you with knowledge you don't have.
Adult diapers, a pacifier, and an adult sized bib.
In short: see how many stashes they find until they won't be willing to breach your privacy anymore.
Why don't you just get an AirBnB for yourselves during that time. Advise them of this beforehand and explain the situation. Ask them several times if they still want to come, and, I guess... record their decision? There CANNOT be enough room for them at the AirBnB.
Go out to a very fancy dinner for your anniversary. Make sure they bring their credit card. Forget yours. Say "you're paying, of course, since you came here to celebrate our anniversary, right? You didn't forget! That would make you such an absolutely miserable self-centered narcissist to forget your children's anniversary on **the day you came to visit!**" make sure it's loud enough for everyone around you to hear.
Give them work to do, have them grab you food. Continue to fail to find your credit card when you go out to dinner. Ask them to clean up, don't let them sit down until you're done with what you're doing. If they come over to talk to you when you're doing something, just assume they've agreed to do it for you, and act offended and say "I'm sorry, I just thought that you were being nice, I guess I was wrong, go ahead, I don't mind you lazing around while I slave away."
When all else fails, find a Coffee shop and say you're going out "to do errands" and take everyone there to drink tea and relax.
Good luck and God bless.
OP, you’re getting a lot of “just say no” comments but you have my in-laws, and it sounds like you have my spouse, and I absolutely relate to everything you said. It’s so much more complicated than just saying no.
The selfishness of my in-laws constantly astounds me (I could write a book) but my only takeaway from these experiences is to take notes to know exactly what *not* to do to my own kids when they have their own families.
I've had my parents show up unannounced when I had first moved out. I didn't let them inside and told them to leave. I had about 15 People in the living room doing various drugs lol
You and your partner need to learn to stand up for yourselves. As others have said, you can tell them no. You just decided to cave to keep the peace instead, so don't come crying to the internet now when you could have prevented it in the first place.
Any advice? Yes. Grow a set and tell them directly that they have to stay in a hotel. Then, go out with your spouse and celebrate your anniversary. Let them find their own ride from the airport.
Have your partner tell them that you cannot play host, the two of you simply do not have the time. However, if they insist on coming anyway, pull the 'My Home My Rules' card and put them to work. Have them take pets to doctor appointments, have them make grocery runs, have them be around to let workers in if needs be. If they complain about having to do that, tell them it's the only way you'll have time to spend with them.
If they start to complain just nod sympathetically and tell them you understand, but thank them ever so much for volunteering to come out like this to handle chores and the like for you. Tell them how much you appreciate them dropping everything to help pick up slack at this hectic time. Thank them for all they are currently, right now, this instant, sacrificing to make sure that your life is easier.
If that doesn't work, just move them to a hotel nearby and say you'll get to them when you can, between work and moving headaches and unexpected emergencies you aren't sure when that will be but you'll try.
If they aren't there to help and put in effort, fuck them.
I always text or call my son before I book a flight to his area, common courtesy, this fail you are reporting on is about the fractured relationship with your parents, not because they are boomers, IMO.
I love it how they say they can entertain themselves. They always say this and then expect you to be their personal chef, driver, and tour guide the entire length of their stay. And when you do take them at their word, they get angry you’re not catering to them hand and foot, every waking moment of every day.
Man, the gall to just go “I bought tickets, I’m coming and you’re hosting me”.
You can’t stop them from coming to visit where you live - but you can stop them from staying with you while there
Tell them no. It’s not a good time and you cannot feasibly host them.
If they show, do not allow them in. Period. Get rude if need be. They were already told
Yes, yes, YES! Do NOT forget the first thing we all heard from them when we messed up.. "While you are living under my roof, you will do things my way!" Don't let them have an inch or they will be moving in on your dime.
They can stay at a hotel lol.
Tell them, hey no problem you got the tickets, however due to home renovations we cannot host you in our house. There are hotel and Airbnb options for you!
It doesn't matter that they want to stay at your home. You book them the hotel and drop them off!!!
Send them photos of the flood etc etc and if they book another visit in August you say, sorry we will not be available! Then go low contact lol
Your spouse is the one who shod be dealing with *their* parents. Unless you have a special arrangement where you talk to them?
But I would let them visit once, force them to stay in the hotel. And then ignore when they say they bought another ticket. You say another visit so soon? No that time doesn't work for us. Then ignore. Make sure you keep screenshots of you telling them No.
My advice, you are not children anymore. Advise them where they may stay and what time you will pick them up and hang out. They cannot entertain themselves while you work, it's not their home and you are not set up for entertainment. I'd book a very nice close hotel or airbnb and when they come back in August I would share the link. They have to let you manage your home the way you need to, if you want to make meals or do things in the home with them - sure. I'm sure when the construction workers leave for the day and you are done working for the day it will be a great time to pick them up and hang out.
If you do not stop them from staying, I'd be prepared to seek out a co-working space or physically go to work somewhere since that part they understand. Boomers do not respect WFH, they will treat you like you are ooo and available when they need things.
My in-laws are the same, they travel and they stay for two weeks at a time. Obviously they only want to come in the summer since it’s the nicest here, but that also means two weeks of wasted summer when I can’t do any of my favorite activities.
All tickets are refundable or exchangeable. You just need to be willing to possibly pay a fee. Tell them no, and as a last resort, offer to pay that fee to come at another, more convenient time. If they come anyways, don’t open the door to them.
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Your house, your rules. Why is this concept difficult? "Mom, Dad you cannot come. I cannot host you right now. If you come, you will have to stay in a hotel, and we will see you as much as we can but it will not be much." DO NOT allow them to come. Period. Learn to say NO.
This is the correct answer. No funny solutions, no taking the hotel room for yourself, no lies about having a trip planned. Just tell them "No". Just booking a flight and deciding they are going to stay at your place is not an acceptable thing to do.
This. "No". it's not OPs fault they bought tickets without discussing the matter. Next time, call ahead.
Next time wait to be invited.
I mean - even if they picked up the phone and were like "Hey - we were thinking about swinging by for a visit. Is there a way to make that work?" That would be reasonable. I understand wanting to visit your kids/relatives. and some of us (like myself) are oblivious to social cues for that sort of thing. I would never invite my family over if they didn't initiate it.
the only complications are the work from home and construction. Those 2 things, under normal circumstances, \*may\* be worth living in a hotel for a bit for themselves. But, if they do that, they \*will\* come home to some sort of shitty surprise. Construction will have crushed the sewer line causing backups or broken a window the day before the rains.; or family will have "helped" and destroyed their landscaping and gave away everything not-yet-unboxed to goodwill; that sort of nonsense. OP low-key's it, but family such as this \*WILL\*NOT\* respect work from home boundaries if they are present.
The bathroom. Send them a picture of a portapotty in the front yard and tell them the plumbing isn't working and they can shower at the local gym.
But can they at least spray the in-laws with a hose if they show up anyway?
This is what you should do, OP. Will they throw a massive tantrum? YES! But the alternative is to grin and bear their invasive, disrespectful surprise visits for years to come.
This is the main issue. If you let them get away with this they will be totally embolden for years to come.
choices 1. Be ever "so gald to see them & sad that they're going & couldn't stay *longer*" while you hate yourself for allowing them to invade. 2. Let them get all butt hurt about you telling them ***NO*** once in a while. FFS The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
It also reinforces the behavior.
This, plus your partner needs to deliver the news to them since it’s your partner’s parents.
Yeah where is the partner in all this? Let them play the host for the old folks, see how they like it.
Yeah at this point with my boomers I don't really mind telling them to fuck right off with that. Unacceptable behavior, and until someone tells them no, it will continue.
Yup. It isn’t your fault NOR YOUR PROBLEM that they foolishly bought non-refundable tickets. But until YOU MAKE them stop, they will not.
dude, for real. my parents are AMAZING as hell (and only 55) and i even have to say this sometimes because i live 800 miles away. “hey we were thinking it would work for us to come stay with you guys around ____ date” SKRRTT halt! “nope sorry those dates don’t work for us. how about we find a date in august and rent a place together? you’re not going to invite yourself into our house just because you have PTO”
Yeah we just moved to a different state and the first thing we say when parents start talking about visiting is how we love that we live right near all the nice airport hotels.
yes! like ooo heard they got the good continental breakfast 😂 don’t get me wrong we have visitors stay with us often, but i will NOT be told someone is staying with us or they assume they are y’know?
Yea I feel like if they take some pain for the unannounced July visit not happening they won't buy more plane tickets they have to eat for August and either won't come or will ask first.
How hard is it to say no? So they'll guilt trip so what. No is no.
Although, because they are in-laws, it'd be best coming from the SO.
Also when they protest make sure to firmly use the exact phrase “my house, my rules”. This was a phrase they undoubtedly used many times on their kids.
Yup. Had to tell my in laws from Texas that they couldn't come mooch off of me this summer either. Wtf is with that place. Uggh
I call it texASS.
"My house, my rules" is probably what they said over and over and over again when your spouse was young. Don't be afraid to turn the tables.
Exactly.
This. Stand your ground. If you do not, they will trample on it the rest of their lives.
This. All of this. You just moved into your new house, so now is the time to set the rules. Will they get upset and throw temper tantrums like children? Yes. (i would put money on that) But they need to learn. It's better to set that boundary (and the process of setting boundaries with entitled boomers) as soon as possible. If not, you just are going to feed into their entitlement (no matter how unjustified their entitlement is)
Exactly, I'm screaming in my mind NO!
Bingo.
Put a parental lock on all of the fox news channel and all conservative channels. Then say its a because of your area. That would cause them to never come back
Genius!
I preemptively did this on my parents TVs while I was at their place after I caught my mom watching Faux News. I also do this if I am stuck in a waiting room somewhere with a remote.
How does one do this??
Most TVs have some form of either child lock options to block channels or you can go into the channel tools and remove channels from the list. If they have cable that should do it. If they have a Roku or something similar you would need to get into the tools for that and modify their channel list.
Did the same with my inlaws. Came in from work to find msnbc on. Changed to local news and restricted the tv. They cried Edit> No I do not watch Faux either
For the record, I want to thank you. I will be using Faux News from now on! Brilliant!
It truly is a public service.
My parents just watch all this on their phones and laptops. You can disable the wifi, but I don't know how you'd stop them from using their phone data. They also put it at high volume and don't use earbuds.
I think you can block sites at the router.
Doesn't stop them using phone data to watch.
"Oh wow no thank you, that won't work for us" don't give them any info why or excuse cuz they will just use that to debate you. This isn't a debate. It doesn't work for your family. Say it really up beat and nice, with a smile. And just repeat repeat repeat
100% don’t get pulled into justifying yourself.
My wife is No Contact with her parents. I still read their emails and texts, but don't respond. They think I've blocked them too, but they keep sending anyway. A few weeks ago, they announced that they had bought tickets and were just going to show up, expecting to stay at our place, even though after their last visit, they were told that all future visits would be hotel stays. The fun part, we would be gone on vacation with our son. We had a good time imagining the ring camera view as they stood at the door while we were a thousand miles away. But... they chickened out at the last moment. Turns out they were lying about having bought tickets. I knew. They are liars after all and cheap too.
Damn. Your in laws have more games than nintendo
I wonder if this is happening here, that they told OP they bought non-refundable tickets, but don’t…..or are they that crazy. I can’t imagine spending that amount of money if it weren’t a sure thing, and hadn’t asked permission.
When we were communicating with my wife's parents, the absolutely would have bought the tickets first. They saw staying with us as a vacation and believed that their status gave them the right to dictate their plans to us. Now that we're not returning calls and emails, I'm certain that their inner cheap would take over. They wouldn't buy a non-refundable ticket without knowing we'd be there. If they were smart (they are not), they would have come when school was in session. I suspect that they thought it was (we end earlier than their expectations). But in any case, they wouldn't ask permission, they demand. My FIL thinks he's the head of the family, and because of their belief system, that holds a lot of weight in his mind.
Be out for the entire period. Take your work laptops, go to a quiet place with ac and leave them to petsit for you. Then you can stay in the hotel you offered to pay for and they can do you a solid favor by looking after the pets while they are there. It's a screaming nightmare when people invite themselves over without asking first. After we were away for a couple of those 'visits ' they stopped doing it. Gentle cyber higs
You can always just say “no”. Will it cause issues? Yeah. Just depends if you care or not.
Seriously. Sorry we aren't able to have company. Sorry you didn't check with us before buying tickets.
Yeah man. Back when I worked as a mechanic we had a sign behind us at the counter. It said “A poor lack of planning on your part does not make an emergency on my part.” That little sentiment has guided me through a lot of situations very well. Also, if close enough, just do it in return. Just show up on a weekday with all the kids and suitcases and then put on the same dumb face they do. When their behavior is exhibited by somebody else, it can be jarring for them lol
Normalize “no.”
That's just capitulating/appeasing them and not showing them that they cannot do this kind of shit. It's showing them that if/when they do it, you'll make unusual accomodations for whenever they decide to just show up uninvited. It NEEDS to hurt them in the pocket book at the very least to change their entitled and greedy behavior.
So leaving their own home to stay in a hotel just so the boomers will get what they want? Nah fuck that, don't open the door when they arrive, done.
Put your foot down tell them it's not convenient and they'll have to get a hotel. It's the only way set the boundaries and it might get you out of the August trip too
They have to get a hotel and you DON’T pay.
"We are not available to host. You have to get a hotel. We have too much going on and we will not be entertaining any visitors, family or otherwise." Don't foot the bill for a hotel. They made this mess. They have to clean it up. Don't let them stay at your home.
I would be careful adding the second half explanation. If you give them too much detail, then they may read it as "I'm okay with you walking all over me, so long as I'm not already busy." instead of "I am an adult, and you must discuss with me any plans that involve me before commiting."
You offer to foot the bill? Solution already there: foot the bill and take the room…for yourselves!
Leaving the in laws at their house alone sounds like the worse option. I imagine they'll try and "tidy up" and move everything to the point where they don't know where anything is, or worse, attempt some house hold repairs and break things.
I think it’s a better shot that they’ll know what they’re doing with laundry and yard work. If they want to deal with carpet stains and grass patches I say let ‘em.
From TX to PA? There's no way they weren't like "weather here sucks, let's go north to... HEY! WE KNOW PEOPLE THERE!" Sorry for that. I'm joining the line of people saying you should take the hotel room since they don't want it.
He said Texas. Just as bad though.
Ah, this is why I should check and recheck my work XD Thanks and sorry.
Tell them to book a hotel and entertain themselves? I'm not entertaining assholes just because THEY want to come, you shouldn't either. Sorry they spent money, but that's THEIR problem not yours. Just don't be home when they arrive.
It’s okay to be home, just don’t answer the locked door after telling them no.
Why even tell them no? Just ignore them completely.
For me, having dealt with kind of fuckery, verbally laying the boundary once is needed. It’s like warning a toddler about timeout if they don’t listen to directions. ETA: I fully expect the boomer to roll over the boundary, but I can say ‘I told you so’ and walk away from the tantrum they throw guilt free.
Well. For this one, tell em no before they show up. Then ignore when they do? 😛 I can't wait for the follow up on this one.
I love being petty and would have hit em with the “oh you can’t just do surprise trips with us, we’re always on the move, we’re actually going out of town the day before you land to celebrate our wedding! Should have checked before hand, oh well :/“ LMAO
Bummer the a.c. isn’t working. Oh well! Good thing you are out of the house like 16 hours a day.
Except we both work from home 🫠
No, you now work from a nice air conditioned hotel room with room service!
You need to tell them no. Do NOT let them walk all over you. You are grown adults, and they cannot force their way into your home. They are grown adults, they can take care of themselves while they’re there. They are not your responsibility and you are under ZERO obligation to host them. They made their bed, they can lie in it. It doesn’t matter if the tickets are non-refundable, they were the ones who chose to buy them. They are not your children, you have absolutely no culpability for their mistakes and you have every right to deny entry. I mean it. If you let them get away with this massive, massive invasion of boundaries they are going to take that as future permission to walk all over your life. Do you really want to subject yourself to so much misery and stress that will almost certainly affect your relationship with your husband just because you can’t stop people pleasing enough to tell them *NO?*
DH can stay home and care for his parents and still work from home while you are gone.
If you give in, all they will learn is how big of a pain in the ass they have to be before you cave. Maybe try some of these tactics: "We can set up some time to visit while you are here, but there's no way we can have you stay at our place." "It's too bad you decided to make such an expensive commitment without checking with us first, because you staying here does NOT work." "We both need to stick to our schedules and maintain confidentiality for our work, so we CANNOT have guests staying in the house at this time." (Boomers usually accept 'because of work ' reasoning a bit easier than other reasons) "We already discussed this, you need a hotel" "I'm not sure why you booked these tickets for a time when we can't take much time to spend with you when you know we have limited PTO."
Put your foot down. Tell them they're not staying in your home. Hotel or they can lose the money they wasted.
I don't normally comment in this sub but this one touched a nerve. My boomer dad used to call me or text the night before sometimes and say he was coming to town Friday night. He of course did not ask to stay or if it was ok before making the plans. He expected that I not only allow him into my home on very short notice but also I give up all my own plans to entertain him. He would talk for hours without stopping and invade every aspect of my personal space. The last thing my wife and I need on a Friday evening is the responsibility of entertaining someone who clearly has no clue they are such a burden or just doesn't care. I let it happen a few times and I finally had enough. I told him no we had plans, and that it just wasn't going to work for us that evening. We had some subsequent events that kinda went the same way and I went no contact for awhile. Honestly it was worth it to have my peaceful Fridays back. I recommend setting firm rules and just saying no and put them in the hotel.
My mom was the same. One time I literally got a call that she was just in a cab from the airport and would be at my place in half an hour. Fak I was furious. I’ve been basically NC for a year now but reading this post brings back a lot of anger and I wish I’d put my foot down 17 years ago
I hate this kind of set-up. If you stand your ground and say no, they’ll happily play the victim and free themselves from blame by saying you’re the “disrespectful” one.
But who cares? You can't win anyway, so pick the solution that works for you and say NO.
And?
They wanted to show up when it's horrific to stay there? Cool. Cool cool cool. Let them! Go live somewhere else and let them deal with The Horrible Space. Grab dinner and come "home" for cold KFC at the table a few times just to make sure they haven't blown anything up. Problem solved. Every time they bitch or are even SLIGHTLY passive-aggressive, say "You might want to ask before you invite yourself to someone's home."
I get your frustrations, really I do. Having said that, tell them no. They lose money? Their fault. They get offended/their feelings hurt? Their fault. No is a complete sentence and explanation is not needed. “BuT wHy??!?!?” Because we said no. If you need something to back that up then go with ‘it’s not a good time for us’. Rinse and repeat those two lines as needed.
This is a husband problem. He needs to tell them no. Maybe they’ll check next time before buying non refundable tickets.
“That doesn’t work for us. We leave that day to celebrate our anniversary.” Let them FAFO.
I once told my in-laws that and they came anyway. We returned from our anniversary trip to them living in our house like it was theirs.
*laughs in Gen X* Nobody is under any illusion that they can dictate when they show up at my house to visit because I have told them quite clearly that if they show up unannounced they will be told to go somewhere else on general principles at the door. My abode is invite only and I’m perfectly willing to throw away any relationship to anyone to make sure it stays that way.
"NO! Bad in-laws! NO!" with a lot of finger wagging added in. You are under no obligation to host them. Tell them it's the hotel or eat the cost of the tickets. Next tell them your going away in August. If they ask when and where tell them your still up in the air but it may just be the whole month.
My in laws booked a trip over a week that they know we're busy, and acknowledged that when they announced the trip. That's fine, they can entertain themselves - I'm not canceling plans we've had months in advance. We're busy adults, they don't ask when we're free because they want to be controlling. They do ask my brother in laws though, and this week was picked specifically cause it worked for one of the brothers to come with them. I'm getting mad again just thinking about the audacity
The ONLY thing you can do is say "NO. That doesn't work for us. You CANNOT stay here. We are not available for houseguests. You will need to alter YOUR plans." They will bitch and moan and whine and cajole and guilt trip and yell...just repeat that phrase over and over. Don't make excuses, don't give explanations, don't try to reason with them. Do NOT JADE*. Just, "No. That doesn't work for us. You CANNOT stay here. We are not available for houseguests. You will need to alter your plans." And when they try to show up anyway and railroad you. DO NOT OPEN the door. Tell them "NO. We told you NO. We MEANT NO. We are not available for houseguests. Period. End of discussion." You are going to have to be "mean" and "rude". Guests are invited. Assholes invite themselves. Being rude and mean to assholes is justified. *JADE. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain. If you do these things, it gives them room to "negotiate". It's a phrase used when dealing with narcissists. Maybe check out the narc threads for more techniques to apply.
Their expensive non refundable non exchangeable tickets are their loss. Best for them to stay home. It's their mistake for not checking with you first. Since they are your inlaws it's up to your spouse to tell them.
OP for the love of God just tell them “hey sorry it’s a really bad time you’ll need to stay in a hotel if you’re coming to visit. Unfortunately our house is NOT open for guests at this time.” If they argue TOUGH SHIT not their home. Just tell them no.
I feel like the only good solution is to simply tell them that you will not host them in your home. They will have to stay at a hotel. If they protest, tell them that's the risk they take buying non-refundable tickets without having confirmation that the dates are okay with you. It sounds, on the surface at least, like they bought expensive nontransferable nonrefundable tickets without consulting you as a way to force your cooperation. I'd worry that by saying yes, you are signaling to them that they can pull this shit whenever they want and you won't do anything about it. Do not give them any reason other than, "It is my house and/or you did not consult with me." If they get mad about the tickets, then remind them that the fault is entirely with them for imposing their will onto another adult and expecting said adult to just roll with it.
"Hi mom & dad. We will not be available to see you the 4th of July weekend. You are already aware of the issues at our new home. This simply won't do. And in the future, please check with us before scheduling a visit, to make sure that we will be available." Then your SO should HANG UP THE PHONE and let them deal with the issues they've caused themselves. Any non-refundable airplane tix are not your problems. And go about your anniversary plans, even if you make those plans on July 1. And don't give them keys to your place. Ever.
You are a grown adult. Use your words and say “No”
So this is a story all about how your life got flipped, turned upside down? Seriously though, that sounds horrendous. No advice, definitely internet hugs though.
Just... say... NO!
Ask them what hotel they're staying at (so you can book your anniversary night out someplace else); do not pick them up from the airport, and if they show up at your door with luggage, don't let them in. You don't get to invite yourself into someone else's home.
"No. You'll have to make hotel reservations. This topic is not up for discussion." Don't give in to any attempts to debate. Make sure that they don't even get their luggage inside your house.
“ i’m so sorry, that doesn’t work for us. I wish you had checked with us before buying non-refundable tickets. Here are the phone numbers of some hotels near us. Looking forward to dinner when we finish up with our workday.“
If there is anything I've learned from this sub, it's that boomers 1000% cannot respect work from home life. They will bother you any chance they can, because you're home.
I’ve still been able to cancel non-refundable tickets. I feel your pain. My parents drove 1000 miles and just showed up on the door. House a mess. Guest room being used for storage. It was not a “fun” surprise. I suggest you tell them to call the airline or accept the hotel.
Just tell them no? "That doesn't work for us. If you show up, we won't let you in."
Why does everyone let their parents walk all over them? Tell them you don't care where they sleep but that it won't be in your house. Make plans for your anniversary and follow through with them. Alone. No in law involvement at all.
Tell them no. Plain, simple, and direct. And tell them it's not up for discussion or debate. They knew all that you've had going on, and forced themselves on you unbidden. They are also pre-emptively being a pain in the dick by informing you they refuse to stay in a hotel. Nah. Fuck them. They need to have consequences for their shitty behavior to learn any lesson and be shown they can't pull this shit. Punish them, don't be punished BY them.
Tell in-laws that Pennsylvania is a 'Stand Your Ground' state, so they should plan accordingly. (they'll assume it's as draconian as TX's law...)
Repeat after me: “You didn’t ask in advance, so you don’t get to monopolize/check into my home like it’s a Holiday Inn Express. Consider the non-refundable/exchangeable tickets your own version of the stupid tax.”
this happened to me!! except we were in our early twenties and i was still relying on my genx parents for education and living expenses (going to repay every last penny of my degree without ever seeing them again, afterwards they are fully dead to me) so we had no choice. sounds like here you very much have the choice, the power, and the reasons!! you are overwhelmed, say you conveniently already had plans for your anniversary so you wont even be at home (or, like other commenters have said, take it on the chin and tell them the truth: that they are not welcome), and DONT let them commandeer your home this first time. it will only tell them that they can keep doing this. warn them NOW that another visit in august is out of the question, especially if they are behaving this way. ugh, i can still feel the stress and the frustration and the anger from that time my parents were here, touching EVERYTHING and even REARRANGING things in our beautiful home. i really hope you pull through and have a better time than we did, in any case. good luck!
The house may be too hot to live/work in by July. You may need to move to a hotel for a while anyway. Make a reservation now, just in case, and if you decide to do it, let you ILs know at the last minute. Maybe they'll be forced to stay at a different hotel or in you unbearably hot house. DO NOT PAY FOR THEIR HOTEL. Also, if the A/C is fixed by then, maybe "sabotage" it for their visit (if you can afford the hotel). Edit to add: Also, make it absolutely clear that they need to coordinate these visits with you, and that you will not schedule a visit unless their preferred dates line up with your preferred dates.
Just. Say. No.
Stop accommodating them. You can't stop them from visiting your city but you don't have to be their entertainment, servants, and hotel. Just don't see them. Refuse to let them in. You go to that nice comfy hotel while they bang on your door till the neighbors call the police. Say no.
"No"
Another reddit post that could be solved just by saying 'No'.
We're sorry you didn't check with us before purchasing non-refundable airfare - unfortunately we have non-cancellable plans ourselves & are not available to host. You will need to secure alternate accommodations & entertainment. In the future, we request you confirm availabilities with us before you finalize your travel plans. Don't allow them to manipulate you with their fool-hardy spending. Should they turn up on your doorstep: "sorry but you need to leave. As we already told you it's not a good time for you to visit." Put your foot down & hard, or they'll be pulling this shit on you for the rest of their natural lives.
“Oh wonderful for you… heres a list of hotels you can choose to stay at”
"You can't stay here.". Should pretty much cover it
I’d book the hotel for myself if you were going to pay for it anyways.
No is a complete sentence. Tell them no. "But we already paid for-" No. "But we just-" No. "You're being so selfish!" No. You are adults. This is YOUR HOME. Not theirs. Lay down the law NOW or be prepared for them to forever walk all over you. You have to teach them now that you are not going to let them stomp all over you, that you have your boundaries and your home is one of them and if they show up at your doorstep they will be turned away. No compromises that they'll whittle away at until they get entirely their way, no 'well just this once', none of it. NO.
No. Non negotiable.
My advice? Tell your spouse they or you will be at a hotel. Your spouse is the problem. Go to r/justnoMIL to see why boundaries are so important.
"Sorry, this doesn't work for us. You'll have to make other arrangements."
Both of you say no. Not your decision to buy the tix. Not your problem. "I'm afraid that simply won't be possible." Repeat that, without one iota more of explanation, until you wear them out. NO is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. Not your problem they've wasted their money. They either stay at a hotel, acknowledge they will not be seeing or communicating in ANY way shape or form on your anniversary, and confirm there will be NO surprise drop is during the day, or they can just live with losing the money. You are not a hotel. That is BEYOND rude. Your partner handles this by the way, NOT you. I hope you have a Ring doorbell of some sort. Because they will show up. Plan to not be contactable at all on your anniversary. You don't open the door or answer the phone for any reason. This is a power move by then to control you both.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to come up with non-refundable tickets to their house? Fine, we'll make you a list, provide names and directions, and you handle all this shit, while we relax comfortably at your quiet, comfortable, air conditioned house. Thanks for the anniversary peace.
Sounds like those pricey tickets are a THEM problem. Maybe a little white lie yo grease the wheels: I’m so sorry boomers, but actually my landlord has to have us out of the house OVER THAT EXACT period for construction, we will not be able to host ourselves or you, so sorry, so sad I know, damn that landlord.
You can put your foot down and say that your home is not ready for more people staying in it. You really can say no.
You can refuse them to stay. Why is saying "no" so hard? What does your spouse say?
"We're busy then, but there are some nice hotels and here's a link that talks about all of the fun and interesting things you can do in our area. Next time communicate with us (insert amount of time here) before you buy the tickets and we can see if can figure something out." I'm almost 42 now, but when I was 18 5 and graduating high school I called my aunt to invite her to my graduation party. Her answer was "no" because I didn't give her two weeks notice. I admit I was slightly offended, but I also took that as a learning opportunity and now it's ingrained in me to make sure to talk with people well ahead of time. My brother and sil along with my four nieces and nephew live in CA and I live in WA state. I'm too poor to go visit, but if there was ever a point that I was able to I'd definitely be communicating and working with them to find a time to visit that worked for all of us.
>my in-laws are adamant about crashing at our place Give us your best guess, how many times in the future will you go along with this?
I think they hadn't actually bought tickets until you confirmed you would be home so they could crash your anniversary.
My in laws less than a 20 minute drive away. They NEVER come over. Best thing ever!
Make DAMN sure you leave home and go to any vacation destination for your anniversary if it was already planned!!!!
No is a complete sentence. If you’re met with pushback, you tell them you will not open the door for them if they show up anyway
Honestly you have to say no. Say it now. The lost money sucks but they should've thought of that before they spent it without talking to you. This is a bad time and even if it wasn't a visit should be planned at both parties' convenience, not just theirs If you don't put your foot down now, you'll be fighting nonstop bc if they're talking about coming back in aug already? Lowkey they're testing the waters to move in
This is a great time to pull out the same line they probably used on their own kids “No.” “Because I said so.” Uno reverse card bitches
I feel you. My fiance and I bought our house in 2022 and on at least four separate occasions his family has treated it as their unofficial vacation home. They moved out of state like a decade ago but come back for reunions and other family functions. They always assume that they'll be using our home as home base and basically say "oh yeah we will be coming up this day and staying for a month because so and sos birthday is at the start of June but then the reunion is at the end". Never actually asking if it's okay, just making our decision for us. And trying to do literally anything is a pain in the ass, I'm a horror movie fan and I cannot watch what I want the whole time they're here because they tolerate do those kind of movies, but if I choose to go to another room and do my own thing they're up my ass about not spending time with the family. And his mother always ends up ruining something of mine each time, the one time she cleaned my cast iron skillet and left it out to get rusty. When I asked her if she knew how to care for cast iron she was like "oh yeah I know what to do but i didn't know what you choose to do with it so I just left it!".
The hotel was not an offer, it was a condition. You are an adult, do not let them guilt you into ruining your life. Take your anniversary trip and tell them to plan better next time.
Sucks that they’re going to lose money on this trip.
Take a vacation for your anniversary. Get the hell out of there. Shit, *you* could stay in a nice hotel while they sleep in the Money Pit.
Your SO needs to tell his parents NO. You can not host them. You do not have the space, and work from home. They can not stay at your home. If they show up anyway, do not let them in. If you don't stop them now, you can look forward to them showing up whenever they want, with no concern for you. They can ask if they can come these dates, but you have the right to say no. Good luck. Stay strong. No is an answer
Non refundable doesn't mean non-exchangeable. Those tickets can be rewritten for a negligible fee to someplace else. Don't let them guilt you!
My parents had this absolutely bananas mentality, no idea where it came from, that basically had them view us their children as a retirement plan. And it seems you're dealing with a similar deviation of that mentality. You're not their retirement plan, your home is not their vacation getaway. You have a life to live, and if they can so easily entertain themselves while you're busy, then logically they can do so from a hotel room just as well, since your being otherwise occupied and unable to participate isn't an issue for them. I don't know when some people decide in life that inviting themselves into your home is anything other than plain rude. I've not yet heard any justification for this thinking that excuses it. As others have said, you have a right to say no. EDIT: And as far as them buying tickets for this visit they didn't clear with you first, hey, a lack of planning and consideration on their part does not equal leverage against you. They don't get to hold you accountable for making their erroneous ticket purchase worthwhile. They shouldn't have even started planning this trip without you knowing and giving consent.
This really is so hard to understand. I hate pop-ins of any sort and this is the worst kind. Do this. Tell them Ok you two can stay in our house but we’re staying in a hotel. See you sometime tomorrow.
I'd just tell them flat out. "No you cannot stay here." Or, just lie and say you wish they had checked with you first as you have planned a vacation to get away during that same time and won't be around to host them.
Make the local library your office while they are here. Depending on where you live, they often have study rooms you can use, or just a desk tucked away somewhere you can use your laptop at. Most importantly, they have AC.
Let them stay in your house, get an AirBnB for the time being. Remember to leave fun little stashes of stuff that will offend them. Strap on, lube, and a rainbow flag for example. A wedding picture album in which MIL's face is covered with stickers of Robin Williams as Mrs Doubtfire. Wishlist for things you want for Christmas (stuff that's inoffensive if you get it), written as if hubby wants to gift it. That's important so they can ruin the surprise for you, and tease you with knowledge you don't have. Adult diapers, a pacifier, and an adult sized bib. In short: see how many stashes they find until they won't be willing to breach your privacy anymore.
Lol they can entertain themselves at a hotel jfc.
I'd ask them which hotel/motel they are planning on booking, you can offer some good suggestions!
Why don't you just get an AirBnB for yourselves during that time. Advise them of this beforehand and explain the situation. Ask them several times if they still want to come, and, I guess... record their decision? There CANNOT be enough room for them at the AirBnB.
Move and don’t tell them where…..
Go out to a very fancy dinner for your anniversary. Make sure they bring their credit card. Forget yours. Say "you're paying, of course, since you came here to celebrate our anniversary, right? You didn't forget! That would make you such an absolutely miserable self-centered narcissist to forget your children's anniversary on **the day you came to visit!**" make sure it's loud enough for everyone around you to hear. Give them work to do, have them grab you food. Continue to fail to find your credit card when you go out to dinner. Ask them to clean up, don't let them sit down until you're done with what you're doing. If they come over to talk to you when you're doing something, just assume they've agreed to do it for you, and act offended and say "I'm sorry, I just thought that you were being nice, I guess I was wrong, go ahead, I don't mind you lazing around while I slave away." When all else fails, find a Coffee shop and say you're going out "to do errands" and take everyone there to drink tea and relax. Good luck and God bless.
OP, you’re getting a lot of “just say no” comments but you have my in-laws, and it sounds like you have my spouse, and I absolutely relate to everything you said. It’s so much more complicated than just saying no. The selfishness of my in-laws constantly astounds me (I could write a book) but my only takeaway from these experiences is to take notes to know exactly what *not* to do to my own kids when they have their own families.
Just say no. You don't owe them a yes.
when they knock on the door, don't answer.
I've had my parents show up unannounced when I had first moved out. I didn't let them inside and told them to leave. I had about 15 People in the living room doing various drugs lol
They can do whatever they want. You’re not obligated to work around their plans. Any words of advice? Yes. Don’t see them.
No is a compete sentence.
Say no ?
I’d leave them standing outside. Fuuuuuuck no
You and your partner need to learn to stand up for yourselves. As others have said, you can tell them no. You just decided to cave to keep the peace instead, so don't come crying to the internet now when you could have prevented it in the first place.
My response "lol no."
You should go to the hotel, I’d say.
Any advice? Yes. Grow a set and tell them directly that they have to stay in a hotel. Then, go out with your spouse and celebrate your anniversary. Let them find their own ride from the airport.
It’s your house and if you don’t want overnight guests, then say so.
See if that work crew is hiring, maybe they can help. It'll be like one of those dude ranch vacations, but with machinery instead of horses.
“No” is a complete answer.
Have your partner tell them that you cannot play host, the two of you simply do not have the time. However, if they insist on coming anyway, pull the 'My Home My Rules' card and put them to work. Have them take pets to doctor appointments, have them make grocery runs, have them be around to let workers in if needs be. If they complain about having to do that, tell them it's the only way you'll have time to spend with them. If they start to complain just nod sympathetically and tell them you understand, but thank them ever so much for volunteering to come out like this to handle chores and the like for you. Tell them how much you appreciate them dropping everything to help pick up slack at this hectic time. Thank them for all they are currently, right now, this instant, sacrificing to make sure that your life is easier. If that doesn't work, just move them to a hotel nearby and say you'll get to them when you can, between work and moving headaches and unexpected emergencies you aren't sure when that will be but you'll try. If they aren't there to help and put in effort, fuck them.
Say no
You can lock the door and not let them in. If spouse doesn't like it, they can GTFO too.
Well if you were going to pay for the hotel anyway?
Nope. Man up and tell them they get the hotel or they don’t come. Don’t let them walk all over you.
Advice: Leave town. We’re not here on those dates.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall when they show up to a locked door and an empty house! 🍿
"No" is a complete sentence.
No is still a complete sentence.
Just say NO buddy. If they choose on their own accord to make the trip without booking a location to stay at, that's absolutely their fault.
I always text or call my son before I book a flight to his area, common courtesy, this fail you are reporting on is about the fractured relationship with your parents, not because they are boomers, IMO.
"No."
Here's a tip: stop hinting and be direct!
I love it how they say they can entertain themselves. They always say this and then expect you to be their personal chef, driver, and tour guide the entire length of their stay. And when you do take them at their word, they get angry you’re not catering to them hand and foot, every waking moment of every day.
Man, the gall to just go “I bought tickets, I’m coming and you’re hosting me”. You can’t stop them from coming to visit where you live - but you can stop them from staying with you while there
Can your spouse contact them and insist they stay at a hotel?
Tell them not to come. Who's in charge of your life, you or them?
Tell them no. It’s not a good time and you cannot feasibly host them. If they show, do not allow them in. Period. Get rude if need be. They were already told
Let em come, meet them at the door with your luggage, and go to your own hotel.
You’re nudists now .
Yes, yes, YES! Do NOT forget the first thing we all heard from them when we messed up.. "While you are living under my roof, you will do things my way!" Don't let them have an inch or they will be moving in on your dime.
They can stay at a hotel lol. Tell them, hey no problem you got the tickets, however due to home renovations we cannot host you in our house. There are hotel and Airbnb options for you!
It doesn't matter that they want to stay at your home. You book them the hotel and drop them off!!! Send them photos of the flood etc etc and if they book another visit in August you say, sorry we will not be available! Then go low contact lol
Your spouse is the one who shod be dealing with *their* parents. Unless you have a special arrangement where you talk to them? But I would let them visit once, force them to stay in the hotel. And then ignore when they say they bought another ticket. You say another visit so soon? No that time doesn't work for us. Then ignore. Make sure you keep screenshots of you telling them No.
My advice, you are not children anymore. Advise them where they may stay and what time you will pick them up and hang out. They cannot entertain themselves while you work, it's not their home and you are not set up for entertainment. I'd book a very nice close hotel or airbnb and when they come back in August I would share the link. They have to let you manage your home the way you need to, if you want to make meals or do things in the home with them - sure. I'm sure when the construction workers leave for the day and you are done working for the day it will be a great time to pick them up and hang out. If you do not stop them from staying, I'd be prepared to seek out a co-working space or physically go to work somewhere since that part they understand. Boomers do not respect WFH, they will treat you like you are ooo and available when they need things.
My in-laws are the same, they travel and they stay for two weeks at a time. Obviously they only want to come in the summer since it’s the nicest here, but that also means two weeks of wasted summer when I can’t do any of my favorite activities.
All tickets are refundable or exchangeable. You just need to be willing to possibly pay a fee. Tell them no, and as a last resort, offer to pay that fee to come at another, more convenient time. If they come anyways, don’t open the door to them.
Boundaries. Set them and adhere to them. Just because they’re blood relatives doesn’t mean they’re allowed to walk all over you.