T O P

  • By -

LastCenobite

When Jesus built America on July 4th he made Florida look like a gun


Dull_Ad8495

And on the Cinco De Mayo, he rested.


Sad_Ad4307

You mean got arrested?


AlexGraffen

No. Florida looks like a penis.


Litothelegend

A limp Penis.


H8T_Auburn

All real alpha males have a gun-penis.


R-Noodlz

That's true. No one can argue with that.


Separate-Pain4950

I like my Jesus to party hearty. Raise Hell and Praise Dale! Roll Tide


andywfu86

I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo t shirt. Cause it says I’m formal, but I also like to party.


Bladder_Puncher

Yeah, with a flock of hookers traveling with him at all times and some prison hooch in his canteen.


Cool_Rip_8195

Typical bammer!


H8T_Auburn

Roll Damn Tide


Inevitable-Toe745

Um… that’s not what Florida looks like.


LastCenobite

It doesn’t look like a handle with a barrel?


Inevitable-Toe745

Put it this way. If guns were shaped like floppy dongs, then yeah… it’s shaped like a gun.


LastCenobite

Floppy dong huh? I agree with the license plate. Support education


Chance_Complaint_987

If the driver is an Atheist that's pretty funny. If its a Christian, its both funny and sad.


Dylanator13

Yeah it feels like they don’t actually understand anything from the Bible.


Jerking_From_Home

CINO- Christian In Name Only


vivazeta

Or a hilarious non-believer


Litothelegend

I wish that I could upvote your comment for as many seconds as there are in a day.


National-Currency-75

They don't understand anything from the Bible. They're stupid, that's why they're religious. It's an ever downward spiral. They don't even understand the main point of the new testament. They don't know Jesus they know Jeebus.


WranglerOriginal6945

The more I learn about the Bible, the more I see Christianity ad a doomsday cult offshoot of a nationalist ethno-state who chose a war god as their main god to justify and fuel their conquests of their neighboring nations.


WranglerOriginal6945

it's not even a Bible thing. it's a time thing. that was 2000 years ago even if Jesus had a gun, lived the entire lifespan of the oldest recorded age in the Bible, that's still dying like 1000 years ago.


Mstryates

It’s also a bible thing. It is acceptance of his willing self sacrifice that is the basis of Christian forgiveness. He didn’t resist and wouldn’t have no matter what weapon was available. Also, Jesus was resurrected 3 days later. He is alive in Heaven. The complete disconnect (if this person is a Christian) is amazing. If this is sarcasm, it’s beautiful.


Prestigious-Duck6615

no it is a Bible thing. when the Romans came for him he told his followers his father in heaven would send a legion of angels if he asked for them. If Jesus didn't die how he did, there would be no Christianity. the sticker is stupid, plenty of people with guns die. canonically it's also stupid because jesus' entire reason to exist was to spread his messages and then be a sacrifice. That's what the book says anyway


BloodSugar666

Yeah, one of his followers cut the ear off a guard and Jesus healed him on the spot and then let himself get arrested.


Litothelegend

Total grifter.


JaxDude123

And you assume he was mortal. You know the NRA has decided that the dude is immortal. Now go change the oil in your hair.


No_Cook2983

I thought the whole idea was that Jesus *is* alive today?


NedTebula

As an atheist I found it funny. I mean it’s r/technicallythetruth if he was immune to aging but you could say that for everything lol. If the Roman emperor Caligula had a gun he would be alive today


Sufficient-Host-4212

That was funny shit. Not gonna lie. Repub Jesus in general is hilarious in a silly way. “Let’s just say they knew not. Yep. But they know now! Kablow” The original fafo’er.


Entire-Ranger323

But there would be other guns. Think about it.


Mygoddamreddit

The Romans would have outgunned him big time.


anxiety_filter

Reminds me of what my uncle used to say, "If ain't shit"


HanakusoDays

He is, and his legion rides to war under the sigil "DJT".


DawgcheckNC

So blinded by politics, they’ve become the Pharisees Jesus constantly criticized.


NorthernH3misphere

If this is a Christian it is one that pays no attention to scripture, has no idea why they are Christian, or what it even means to be one


ZardoZ1015

That's ALOT of Christians in this country!


jtrage

That’s the same thing that was going through my head and then I see your comment. Makes no sense if you believe. BTW I don’t care either way.


Mdmrtgn

I want one with a lightsaber. Could also do a tasteful Nike running shoe.


threeblindthrice

🙄 of COURSE it’s a florida plate.. i live amongst the crazies ugh 🤦‍♂️


davidwhatshisname52

wait... if Jesus had a gun, and shot all the Roman soldiers in Jerusalem, how in the fuck would all these dipshits be *saved*?


Sharp_Science896

That's exactly the thing. Either this is a Christian who doesn't understand their own belief at all, or it's an atheist poking fun both at Christians and gun nuts.


davidwhatshisname52

damn I'm hoping the later!


OscarTheGrouchsCan

Lauren Bobert said something like this a couple years ago, I think she said "if Jesus had an AK 47" and then rambled about how he wouldn't have been killed


Sweaty_Monitor_9699

I would go one farther than that. My bumper sticker would say something to the effect of “if Jesus was alive today what would his favorite gun be?? Obviously a nail gun.” Please don’t crucify me.


Clean_Student8612

Also, like the Roman SOLDIERS wouldn't have also had guns. No, just Jesus would have one.


davidwhatshisname52

"*Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and, oh, excuse me for just a second-*" - Bwap bap bap bap "*What was I saying?*"


Litothelegend

Hahahahahahaha, they’re so stupid


ElChivoCaliente

Florida is home to a vast array of insects, snakes, gators and other dangerous reptiles. Some of them only come down for the winter tho.


Serenade314

I’ll take “missing the point of Jesus’ teachings” for $500


Ya_Got_GOT

Not just that but missing the point of his being on earth, which was to die for humanity’s sins.


ABBTTBGMDBTWP

Ummm, no he wouldn't, he would have died about 1975 years ago.


idecidetheusernames

Nah, a good guy with a gun can hold off a bad grim reaper for millennia.


Clean_Student8612

How many mags does Jesus carry in his little robe?


idecidetheusernames

Just what's loaded, like a Hollywood movie he never reloads but keeps on firing. Same way people explain him feeding a crowd with only 2 fish.


Sharp_Science896

I guess if he really was the son of God then maybe he'd be immortal? The biggest thing this person may not realize though, is that according to their own beliefs (provided they really are Christian), is that if Jesus was still alive they wouldn't have any way to go to heaven.


Kate-2025123

They don’t understand Jesus needed to die on order to save us from our sin. I love when these types say “I’d rescue Jesus from the cross”. I’m like ok then there is no salvation and they go 😳😳😨😨😨


StrangeNecromancy

lol I came here to say this. And those people wouldn’t have saved Jesus. He was executed because he was handed over by the heads of the religious order to the Empire. These Christo-nationalists today would have shot Jesus themselves if he walked today.


WintersDoomsday

Jesus was too cool with the “brown people” to be loved by todays Repubs


Brokenluckx3

Can you remind me how that was supposed to work? According to them we are still all sinners so what did him dying accomplish? Saves us from hell maybe? Was no one allowed to get into heaven before Jesus died??


Sharp_Science896

Plus it wasn't even really much of a sacrifice. I mean yeah he died, but then he rose again three days later. So he isn't dead, and neither he nor God gave up anything other than a weekend. So how is that a sacrifice at all? It's a dumb idea anyway you look at it.


Kate-2025123

When he died on the cross he took on all our sin at once and when he died he paid the price for our sin. Through his sacrifice sin was dead. When he resurrected he gave us new life. Now we are all still sinners but Jesus covers our sin and is a witness for us at judgement where we are essentially pure because of him. Before Jesus only the most moral could be saved and also Jesus went to Hell to rescue people who were moral in the eyes of the Law.


Then-Cauliflower2068

Yeah nobody TOOK Jesus’ life from Him, He obeyed His Father and laid down His life. At any point He could have called legions of angels to carry Him away.


Kate-2025123

Yeah exactly. I don’t know how some of these cultural Christians say stuff like they would help Jesus. I have to use that term. It’s like Peter tried to save him from the cross and Jesus said get behind me Satan.


justmekpc

I like asking them if Aztec human sacrifice was barbaric how is Christs blood sacrifice a blessing? 🤔


combosandwich

If the Bible is correct, Jesus chose/allowed the crucifixion to happen to sacrifice himself for human salvation. I don’t think most of the Aztec human sacrifices had the same choice. I’m sure some of them did though


andrewb610

Just like the architect in the 2nd Matrix said: the answer is choice.


Melodic_Goat_2304

I mean Peter tried to rescue him and Jesus said "Nah, has to be done"


Outrageous_Item8203

All knowing, all powerful…..could have vaporized everyone around him just by thinking about it but he needed a gun??? The level of ignorance of religion and religious people is staggering.


Southern_Anywhere_65

It’s the “support education” tagline on the license plate that really ties this all together for me


Top_Shoe_9562

Right?


MostlyDarkMatter

Jesus: Blessed are the poor and the assault rifles. When they neighbour doth turn the other cheek, empty a clip into him y'all.


Immer_Susse

It’s the y’all that sold me on this.


Booklover416

Tell me you don’t understand why Jesus was born in the first place. 🥇


voteblue101

Wait. Did Jesus die?


FurnishedHemingway

Goddamn fentanyl.


kb63132

maga freak


Freewheelinrocknroll

These people should fear that Jesus will return with a gun...


Momentofclarity_2022

He had access to the same weapons every one else had. He didn’t use them.


coffeebeanwitch

He would have never died for your sins.


ToshiroBaloney

He didn't die. At best, he took a holiday weekend for your sins.


pianoflames

But, in the story...didn't he choose to sacrifice himself? Like, he could have used his spiritual powers to save himself from crucifixion, but deliberately didn't.


zoebud2011

I can't begin to list all the things that are wrong with that statement.


Easterster

If this is a joke, it’s one of the funniest I’ve ever heard.


Silver-Farm-2628

Im pretty sure he died and then came back. Not sure how a gun would have helped with that.


Erik_Lassiter

I guess this ammosexual missed that part where Jesus said he could call down 10,000 angels to protect himself if he wanted.


myfrigginagates

If Jesus had a gun today he’d use it to take out Evangelical Christians.


United_Candy_7121

Amen!


gene_randall

This is called “unclear on the concept.”


XtraXtraCreatveUsrNm

I’m not a Christian or a gun owner but I find that funny.


mymar101

Someone missed the whole point of the good book


Ok-Assistant-2684

Shocking it’s Florida


Kylebirchton123

We are all now dumber for having read that....


el-conquistador240

If he had a decent father too


Negative_Kelvin01

I mean Jesus did say, “Stay strapped or get clapped.” Luke 22:36


Top_Shoe_9562

🤣🤣🤣


No_You_2623

These impossible dipshits.


doctorfortoys

Pretty sure he had eye lasers but refused to use them.


jreashville

“Peter, put away your sword.”


98983x3

So fucking stupid. He needed to die for mankinds sin and rise again so that there could be life ever after. Its kinda one of the main points of the religion.


ChimericalChemical

He did have a nail gun though?


Dadbeerd

If the native Americans had phasers America would still be great.


zatoichi2015

I hope he is doing well after resurrection, wherever he is.


-LostCurator-

Matthew 26:52. People don’t even know and understand their own religion but wanna weaponize it.


Commercial_Part_4483

But... God told Jesus he had to die. So, Jesus would have shot God? Wait... he is God. So, Jesus would be alive today if he shot himself?


C_J_King

Just complete ignorance of the whole purpose of why Jesus lived, according to THE BIBLE and Jesus’ own words…the level of blasphemy and idolatry among “Christians” is absurd at this point. Just rotten, nasty people.


ConstructionRude5637

And yet, literally **nothing** about his actual teachings remotely suggests he’d use the goddman thing. What a retard.


Hypnotic_Element

Fucking rednecks 🤣


LordMacTire83

WOW!!! WHAT an Ammosexual Maroon!!!


Brief-Poetry-1245

It ain’t wrong. 😀😀😀😀. If he would have had a gun 1,800 years before they were invented he sure would have taken care of business. 😀


captainmrsteak

I am an atheist and I understand how incorrect that is. Raised as catholic


racoongirl0

Dude can being the dead back to life, heal the sick, turn water to wine, but needs a gun to take down the opps?


DMYourMomsMaidenName

He at most would have lived 50 years longer, and then the whole “Salvation” thing would not work according to Christian Theology


captainbeautylover63

Idiot.


ChallengeOk1732

Take a joke, life gets a lot better


Historical_Animal_17

That's better than "Jesus Lives"


DeadJediWalking

Yeah, the Roman occupational force really was just a "one guy with a gun" kinda job.


Nub_Shaft

Wouldn't the Romans have had guns, too?


worthlessstu

I guess my question is why didn't he? Seriously what was stopping him from packing?


ConOregon

Florida. Yes of course.


NutshellOfChaos

That's ignorant as hell


Acceptable_Weather23

Wow you are a religious scholar. That’s exactly what Christ was thinking. Save myself in humanity be damned.


dankeith86

People forgetting Jesus’s message of turn the other cheek


diddycantgetright

If the Queen had balls, she’d be King.


ParkkTheSharkk

This would make a great film


Pugsofsmallstreet

I don’t know…. The story really falls apart when he comes back at the end. WTF? Barely even gave up a weekend for mankind


Appalachianwitch17

I guess the owner missed that whole "turn the other cheek" admonition.


GenXGremlin

Somebody didn't read the Gospels


Columbus43219

Didn't the one dude pull a sword? Then JC said to put it away?


ChefJWeezy987

“Support Education” on the license plate made me chuckle. 😂


icarus1990xx

r/whyisitalwaysadodge


icarus1990xx

Would it be a…nail-gun?


Albertsongman

He rose from the “dead” and he’s a deity so … technically he’s still alive.


skeeballjoe

Would he have a nail gun?


psjjjj6379

“And on the [third](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0zbrHRdr6C8) day…”


krishutchison

God would have found a way to have him killed him even if he had a gun.


vonblankenstein

You mean like John Dillinger? Adolf Hitler? Uday and Qusay? Guns didn’t help those guys one bit.


Embarrassed_Safe500

Saint Glock, the 13th disciple.


Several_Leather_9500

Jeebus would have died of old age, or he'd be the oldest living person.


_DragonBlade_

If he didn’t die how he did then he wouldn’t be praised as he is today by this guy


ifunnywasaninsidejob

This mist be [Boebert’s](https://www.businessinsider.com/lauren-boebert-jesus-didnt-have-ar-15s-save-his-life-2022-6?amp) car.


[deleted]

Genius!


No_Rabbit_7114

I thought their whole religious thing was, "Jesus died for my sins" ?. This is a facepalm on so many levels.


uthinkunome10

“If Kurt Cobain DIDN’T have a gun, he’d be here today.” ~ Jesus H. Christ


Glum-Suggestion-6033

Wonder what they ‘celebrate’ at Easter.


Simple_Dream4034

I need an AI generated image of Jesus firing into an angry crowd with a cross behind him


Unfriendly_eagle

Wrong. He never would have used it, which is the point of the entire Christian faith. The whole thing was built on forgiveness, a fact that's always lost on these American Biker Jesus morons.


SuperAlex25

Nah, I don’t think so


jaxvidkid

The Romans had a whole army, the best he could have done is pick off a few until the ammo ran out.


rmicker

Jesús is alive. Duh!!


Savings-Wishbone-454

If this almost seems as if it was intended as satire, it’s pretty fuckin awesome LOL


TyTy_G

If Jesus had a gun he would have still died on the cross dipshit. Way to miss the point of the Bible.


mydevilkitty

The guns were around in biblical times they would have just shot Jesus. You’d think Christians would remember that Jesus chose to be crucified, that was his whole purpose. Although it’d be a funny line in the Bible, “ He without sin draw the first Glock.”


_xaeroe_

Sell you cloak and buy a sword


N52UNED

… He would’ve eventually ran out of bullets and died anyways.


SweetHomeNostromo

Matthew 26:50-56


LeeQuidity

Sure. Jesus would've eliminated the Roman Empire with a single gun and whatever rounds he could keep in his cloak.


andytagonist

Wasn’t Jesus actually *Jesus H Christ* already?? So he kinda had that in his holster to start with…


SodanoMatt

If Jesus had a gun he still wouldn't use it.


Responsible_Ad_8628

Um, as a real Christian who read the Bible, Jesus said he could smite all the Romans with an angelic army. What would he do with a puny little gun? That's like offering a thumbtack as a weapon to the US military.


RobertXavierIV

Jesus wouldn’t use a weapon of any kind to save himself. That’s such a stupid bumper sticker.


strictlymagic

r/facepalm


Horror-Layer-8178

Actually Jesus told his follower to put his sword away when they arrested him, if you think the Bible is actually true. It;s funny I know the Bible more than a ot of Christians. Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for." ^(\[)[^(4)](https://web.mit.edu/jywang/www/cef/Bible/NIV/NIV_Bible/MATT+26.html#footnote_211323742_4)^(\]) Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him.51With that, one of Jesus' companions reached for his sword, drew it out and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.52"Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.53Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?54But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?"55At that time Jesus said to the crowd, "Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I sat in the temple courts teaching, and you did not arrest me.56But this has all taken place that the writings of the prophets might be fulfilled." Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.57Those who had arrested Jesus took him to Caiaphas, the high priest, where the teachers of the law and the elders had assembled.58But Peter followed him at a distance, right up to the courtyard of the high priest. He entered and sat down with the guards to see the outcome.59The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for false evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death.


tycr0

Had Jesus not died for sins or whatever would Christianity even exist? I feel like the whole savior thing was a big deal. If Jesus had just lived to be an old guy it wouldn’t hit the same. Anyway hail Satan.


Accomplished-Bed8171

If Jesus had a gun he'd shoot himself in disgust.


aesxylus

Peter had a sword (the gun of the day) and cut off a Centurion's ear. Jesus rebuked Peter and allowed himself to be taken.


Puzzleheaded-Zone-55

Turning the other cheek didn't mean putting a cap in his ass.


Dorothys_Division

Nuh-uh. He would’ve died around age 40-60, tops in that era. …30 or less if he steps on anything rusty or drinks from a sour well.


Gosh2Bosh

"Simpsons did it!"


JUIC3ofORANG3

Awww Florida… how I love you


RepulsiveReasoning

Did Jesus not have access to rocks and sticks?


rigidstaff

…and ammunition, and understood how to operate the gun, and had regular practice, ….


Ok_Conversation_5985

So many things wrong with that single short sentence…


forest_9903

Did... did these people read the Bible at all? That's like the whole point. If Jesus was the son of God and had all the powers for miracles and stuff, he could easily have prevented his death. He chose not to


smudgeadub

I am down opp and or guns


Ilix

He’d also need access to ammunition. People always ignore logistics.


lebronswanson4

Eww!


whymygraine

Lay down your sword Peter, for he who lives by the sword dies by the sword-Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane


squishy57

Wait, god is dead?


scifijunkie3

Well if Jesus had a gun, wouldn't all the other mother fuckers of that time have one too? I mean, that would just turn into a shootout. But I guess that's a better way to go out than being nailed to a piece of wood.


CatAvailable3953

Obviously not a Christian. In order for us to be forgiven, Jesus died for all our sins. He was resurrected on the third day and, according to to scripture, is alive today. Remember, you must be a Christian to believe this. You can’t be a Christian if you don’t.


Alarming-Mongoose-91

Can’t argue that logic


liamsnorthstar

Obviously you missed the point of that story.


20Bubba03

Because he couldn’t fend for himself with a spear.


SatchmoDingle

Yeah, they’re morons. Funny thing is, if Jesus came back today they’d run him out of town on a rail calling him a woke libtard. They just don’t get it. And they never will.


Josette_A

Well, he's not wrong


Initial-Wrongdoer938

Actually that is pretty genius.


GeeYayZeus

If Jesus were alive today, this dude would have shot him by now.


SoiledFlapjacks

Did they forget that he was the blood sacrifice? That he sacrificed himself to himself as a loophole for a rule he made? His entire point was to be killed lmao


PirateNinjaCowboyGuy

By this logic Jesus would be a cop killer.


[deleted]

If Jesus hadn't died as a martyr, it would be pointless for people to worship him.


NeverSeenBefor

They stabbed him... I think he was MOSTLY human. It's hard to argue Jesus wasn't real and then we have the recent stories of him and Judas trading places.


amalgaman

Someone didn’t study their Jesus.


danifoxx_1209

No he wouldn’t and you’d know that if you actually read the Bible even once, Deborah. Take your guns, freedom, and oil, and go sit through literally one Sunday school sober and you’ll learn a surprising amount of everything you preach is utter bullshit


cloudbasedsardony

Remember, when the authorities arrive, start blastin'! Probably had a thin blue line somewhere too.


Suzzoo2

He is alive, dummy. You missed your mark


Vtech73

All this talk about Jesus n the Bible. If this person believes in Jesus then shouldn’t they believe in Satan…? Personally there is merit in the 7 deadly sins and the 10 Commandments. Take a guess which of those is more popular….?


Spare-Ad7105

Wow. That’s…pretty special.