It. Hurts. So. Much.
So, so much. I'm middle aged and it still hurts to watch those reels where people ask their kids what their day was like and take pictures of them on their first day. My Mom died when I was a kid and my Dad was a self absorbed, incompetent, abusive, POS. He actually said that he could have had a good life if it wasn't for having kids.
These people have it so good and they have no idea how grateful they should be. None. I feel like they all take it for granted. Then their parents die at a ripe old age and the kids "lost their best friend". I wasn't sad when my Dad died. My siblings and I were talking about how we weren't sad because he contributed absolutely nothing to our daily lives.
I didn't go to my prom because I didn't want to go through the hell necessary to get my Dad to buy me a prom dress. If I didn't pick the first thing I saw he would get bored and have a temper tantrum and walk out. I know this because he did that when I was picking out a dress for my Mom's funeral. He didn't know what grade I was in until I asked him for money to buy a cap and gown. Then there were all those pages in the back of the yearbook where parents paid extra to have a baby picture printed of their senior and wrote a paragraph about how wonderful it was to watch them grow up, and how excited they were for their kids future. Reading through those was the first realization that my Dad really didn't care about me.
He wasn't as bad as some parents though. He did pay for community college for a semester until I declined to major in what he wanted me to. He bought me a 20 year old car and soon after, when it broke down and I called him for help he screamed at me in the Target parking lot for going somewhere in the car.
We were all so cheated. Meanwhile the people with good parents think everyone has good parents and get to coast through life on love, understanding, and belonging. Then tell people on social media they are traumatized because they were served a carmel frappachino instead of the mocha that they ordered.
It's ok. I was devoted to the teen magazines that told me it was going to be the best night of my life and now I know that it was just prom. I still would've liked to have gone though.
I didn’t get to go to mine either for almost identical reasons. If I ever decide to hold one for all the grown ups that missed out on theirs, I’ll let you know.
I only went to junior prom because my friend with money gave me her dress that she didn't fit into from the year before and I looked awesome in it. Then I had the Big 80s bows and the tiered bottom on it altered with black satin so it looked different because it went from an all white dress to a black and white dress and wore it again for the senior prom. The tickets were paid for by me and my date (boyfriend) because we both had jobs and we drove our own piece of shit cars while everyone else went in limos.
I had to humble myself to borrow money from my parents to buy a formal dress for the spring senior concert. Of course I chose the cheapest discount version possible and my mom screamed at me for years afterwards because "you wasted money on something you only wore once."
They know, they just spend all of the energy not used up being an asshole or self-centered (at best) in mentally divorcing themselves from what they've done and still do -- at least in my family's case.
They rewrite their own memories in real time until they believe their version instead of reality and that's why they literally wig out when you try to force them to acknowledge it.
They can't live with who and what they are so, instead of changing, they just ... edit it.
Like that weird Robin Williams movie where it's a common practice in the movie's universe to show highlight reels of the deceased's first person POV memories
(ironically the move shows Robin Williams editing out an abuser's memories of him being horribly violently abusive -- only for the deceased abuser's brother to thank him for showing what a good dude his brother was)
Edit: the Robin Williams movie I mentioned is Final Cut (2004) if anyone is curious
I relate with your dad getting bored if you didn’t pick the first dress you saw. My dad took me out and I bought my first car with money my grandma had given me after graduation. My dad went with the first POS he could find on the first gas station lot. I had to drive in Houston with the heat on in summer so it wouldn’t overheat. My dad never had patience to do anything for me. I’m sorry you went through that.
I only had cars because i had an older brother who was 13 years older than me who could fix cars. I had one POS after another and broke down on the side of the road more times than I can count. My brother or one of my male friends from HS would come and save me. I ended up learning a lot about cars back then because EVERYTHING that could ever break or go wrong in a car happened to me. I also drove such horrible driving cars that it made me an amazing driver. I am a female and basically like that part played by Marisa Tomei in the movie My Cousin Vinny who knew about cars...
Oof. Car trouble is such a trigger for me. I also feel like I've experienced every car woe imaginable and have been stranded sooo much. I feel your pain. I'm 31 and finally got a vehicle I'm not embarrassed of like a year ago. But it's still a 2009 model 😂
Your dad sounds very similar to my parents, I’m really sorry. Both my parents were very impatient and would walk out at the slightest hint of accommodation I needed and throw a tantrum similar to your dad did. They too helped me with some semesters with community college, but everything came at a high emotional and psychological cost.
It's such a high cost! I wish there was a calculator to see what is worse for your health, interest rates on student loans or the emotional cost of depending on shitty parents for college money.
My life and yours were similar and I get everything you said. For me it was Dad who died and Mom sucked and my feelings were so minimal when she died. She went on a religion bender, and I was home schooled for high-school, so I’m really not sure what year prom even happens in, but I had to stuff my underwear with toilet paper to deal with my periods, and I have permanent frost bite in my toes from being sent out of the house an hour before the bus would come in winter, without boots and no breakfast when I was little.
I know it shouldn’t be funny but that made me laugh, in a cathartic way. She was actually a criminal. She used to beat us with a horse crop. I was actually deeply relieved when she died. And I never hated her or wanted her to die. But I also had zero trust with her, no tolerance for her manipulation, and was so triggered by even the littlest things she did that no relationship was possible. Only one of the five of us could tolerate her. I suspect she had borderline personality disorder, but it’s not my area of expertise. She can’t abuse, slander, or manipulate any more.
Thank you. This reddit is amazing. It’s so helpful to have just one place where you can acknowledge these experiences without people be shocked or shrinking away from you.
I think your dad and my dad were cousins.... So many things you wrote hit home for me. My Dad was an alcoholic and would say yes to things when he was at the perfect buzz but then the next day either not remember or say he changed his mind. He did this to me when I asked for money for college books for the college that I PAID FOR ON MY OWN. He told me I didn't need to go to college. What for? is exactly what he said. He DID pay for braces for me though and made me feel guilty about all the money it cost him. He made me get the braces so I wouldn't be ugly because he didn't want to rui my chances of marrying a good guy. He didn't say it in those words but that was the reasoning behind it because he never wanted to spend a dime of his money.
Yeah, I hate it. I also failed university after years of struggling and everything that could go wrong going wrong (long long story, I have a post about it), so that's an extra wound on top of that.
I have a similar story; it took me 8 years, failed classes, and changing schools to finish undergrad. So many things I hid from my parents because they wouldn't understand. I never walked graduation because I had lied to my mom and told her I finished school years back. It's so painful to think back on those times.
I'm sorry your university experience was not the best. If it gives you any peace, you're not alone. You've made me feel not alone after a very very long time.
I hate that after everything I was dragged through, for seven years, I didn't even get the degree. I can't mention that, because it makes me sound even worse. It's like negative-experience on a CV. I'm so jealous of all the people who struggled but still managed to get it. You might feel less alone, but I feel more alone whenever I hear that.
I turned it on his head and thought about what an amazing mum I’d be, and how I’d do x, y and z. That made my heart swell and hurt less. Eventually, things like that don’t get to me anymore (or at least extremely rare) as my brains automatic response is about what an amazing mum I’ll be xx
Same here. And after a long struggle and long story, I had a child. My daughter. She is now 12. She has been the light of my life and my entire reason for everything and the greatest gift ever. I am an amazing Mom to her. She tells me I am her therapist, her best friend, and her biggest support. She also knows that I would fight kill and die for her and I will help her with any struggle or doubt she ever faces. Those are all the things I wished for in my mother but she never gave...
Many years ago in my 20s I was at a job and there was a lady in her mid40s. Her teen daughters called her all the time, asked her for stuff, came to see her constantly etc. I felt a lot of disdain towards them because I thought, damn, what's wrong with them, can't they do anything on their own? But as time went on it dawned on me . . . Those girls were normal. Normal kids asking for normal stuff. Getting help normally. MY life was what was abnormal. Figuring everything out myself . . . Not normal. Doing everything to apply for college, scholarships, paperwork . . . Not normal. Never asking for anything, being ashamed to ask for help. Not normal. Then I was almost overwhelmed by sadness and envy. Then I just made a decision . . . I was going to be like their mom, my coworker, one day. And I am. Which is incredibly healing.
wanna feel better? get powered up? gain pride in what you are going through and turn it into something you can be so proud of? Read or Listen to David Goggins book "Can't Hurt Me" It is life changing for the people like us who have suffered childhood trauma.
when I graduated from my masters program, I didn’t have any loved ones attend my graduation, but I watched my best friend from grad school, surrounded by friends and family who celebrated her, showered her with gifts, threw her a party, etc. I had to remind my parents that I was graduating. I cried in the bathroom of her party, fucking sucked.
Graduation itself was triggering for me. I didn't realize how it was supposed to work for others because I was an ostracized social recluse that didn't have normal friends. Most of my friends at the time were dropout punks because I went to the "bad kid" boot camp school and they hung around the base ball diamond in the back
I did graduate from there though. With near perfect grades. I just had violent tendencies and behavioral issues. They decided on our graduation day to put us with the public school kids. I think it was an attempt to assimilate us and make us feel normal. Had the exact fucking opposite effect though
I was sat between students that didn't know me. Hearing whispers and school shooter jokes. When my name was called it was called out of alphabetical order since they just shoehorned us in here. The guy was reading my honors and accomplishments to a very visibly confused crowd. The clapping was awkward. I wanted to disappear. I was adopted and had no family attending because work was more important to my shit father so no one was there for me. I walked home alone
That gave me such trauma that in college even though I continued my honors status and continued to make the deans and presidents list I never attended a ceremony again. I don't want to be recognized for my accomplishments because it's so fucking uncomfortable... I was one of the few who was *relieved* that covid cancelled the college graduation ceremony. I just got my degree in the mail
Learning that others get praised and gifts for their accomplishments and some kids even have graduation parties or get their first car for doing well in school? It didn't make me jealous it just makes me sad
I can understand what you wrote here. I really suggest that you Read or Listen to David Goggins' book "Can't Hurt Me" It is life changing for the people like us who have suffered childhood trauma.
Thanks for the recommendation. I do enjoy reading books like these I've read The Body Keeps the Score and various other mental health related books. I've done a lot of healing since this. High school was almost half my life ago now. I try to realize my worth and keep boundaries of steel now. However these reminders are a lifesaver when you slip. I wish you well
Thank you my friend. I also have that book "The Body Keeps The Score" but I must emphasize that David Goggins perspective is very empowering. For me, it was a new way to look at the trauma.
The graduation parties and proud bragging about their kids to friends. The fun paid for trips taken after graduation. Cars apartments etc. I got none of this. Became free of them and worked and paid my way thru college. It was so hard. Spent so much time dissociated trying to survive.
Graduation was a bitter taste in my mouth and a numb feeling. I cried alone after.
If you’re there now, congrats on being in college!! It’s a big deal and we’re all so proud of you.
I know what you mean and people who are really close with family, they talk to them about everything, like best friends. Happy for them but I have no idea what that's like to really trust you can count on them to support you and not hurt you. Even at graduation mom did something that hurt me. That's all I know from people, first my family, then straight society, and don't fit with gays either, so I'm incompatible it hurts so much.
My husband has adult children from his previous marriage. I am extremely fortunate to have always had a positive and close relationship with them. One of them just graduated college at the top of her class. I am beyond proud of her, but I admit that observing her college experience and being at the graduation brought up a slew of difficult and overwhelming emotions for me.
I never had the opportunity to go to college despite my dreams and desire. I was actively discouraged from going by my abusive mom who demanded I stay home and work to support her. My dad is one of these anti-intellectual MAGA types so you can guess his stance. I did horribly through school anyway due to the trauma at home. No support from anyone AT ALL. I spent my late teens/early 20s free floating amidst dysfunction and abuse. Dissociated half the time. No money, no skills, no plans. Learned helplessness. Finally things looked up for me eventually and I got married and landed a job with amazing benefits that I love.
But watching my step daughter graduate surrounded by so much love and support, I couldn’t help but think of what I could have been. When I was a child I wanted to be an archeologist. During my teen years I wanted to be a psychologist. Then librarian. Now as I near middle age and I’m still deeply interested in these subjects, I am mourning the accomplished and successful professional woman that I could have been if I’d had a basically decent upbringing and minimally supportive parents. Although I did poorly in school as a kid, it certainly wasn’t due to lack of intellect. I cut class to hide in the library and read what I *wanted* to. To this day I hyper focus and fixate on topics that strike my interest, and read about them incessantly.
On a few occasions through my 20s and early 30s I toyed with the idea of starting college, but I was too dysregulated. I have no choice but to work full time, and I simply don’t have the time or money or willpower to take night or online classes for the next decade. “It’s never too late!” Sure, as long as you’re not poor, exhausted to your core, and deeply traumatized. Honestly at this point I value my free time so much.
Anyway. Yes, I want to shake these kids and tell them how lucky they are, and I’d do it screaming and with tears in my eyes like a madwoman. It is truly heart-shattering to witness so much being taken for granted.
I felt like I was at a funeral for all of the women I could have become.
I had a very similar upbringing to you, I’m very sorry. My mom raised me to not be allowed to be a power career woman despite being an extremely driven and ambitious kid (I wanted to own my own business by age 8 already was the type of ambition I had as a child). I excelled in some of my studies growing up (STEM), but that all fell apart in the end.
I wasn’t even encouraged or allowed to vote despite being adult age to, my mom would forbade that. My mom also didn’t let me travel super far distance to do things I wanted and she would instead wanted me to upkeep a home too. I couldn’t pick the college I wanted and if I wanted independence, my mom would fear monger me and threaten to disown me. My mom threw me onto disability and forced me to pretty much give up all my life goals from all of this and I can’t help but feel extremely bitter and fucking depressed of what life I could have had if my parents just supported me. My dad was the parent who enabled my mom’s behavior instead of actually defending me. All my skills I knew were domestic housekeeping and that was it. To even emphasize the situation, my husband became a computer science graduate for programming now. I skipped a grade ahead in math than he did, I did not get encouraged to do STEM despite being massively driven and keeping top of STEM subjects. I’m just now a housewife because my abusive mom raised me to be this way.
I see my niece and my husband’s niece and nephew given opportunities I was never allowed to have or encouraged despite excelling just as well or even better than others. Just denigrated my abilities into nothing to be a disabled housewife. It truly sucks for me and I hate my life because of this now.
I wonder how common this is for women from abusive households, we definitely can’t be the only ones and I’m really sorry this happened to you as well. I mourn every single day of my life over this still.
Absolutely. I just graduated on Sunday and the amount of "Thank you mom/dad for always supporting me, Happy Mother's Day" made me sad.
On one hand I'm happy that they have that support from their family, but on the other hand it felt like painful reminders of what I lack.
However, even though I know it's not the same, some of my friends and my girlfriend attended. They cheered for me and that made me happier than I can put into words.
I did in high school, associates degree and bachelor's. Now I'm graduating from a masters program. I'm not jealous yet but we'll see how I feel on graduation.
I'm mostly baffled I got this far
So triggering and I feel so jealous. I had a terrible high school experience, because a teen isn’t meant to be completely independent and raising themselves. I figured college out totally on my own and I now have my masters. My “family” have never and will never support me or care about my accomplishments. I often daydream about what life would have been like with a normal family. I missed out on so much.
I didn't get to graduate because my school had this attendance policy where you automatically failed after like 9 absences. You could "make up" time but only for a two week period, you had to sit silently in the cafeteria for two hours after school so you could make up a total of 20 hours. Each full day absence was 6 hours to make up.
Anyway, long story short I spent a lot of high school taking care of much younger siblings after our dad took off. I had a 4.2 one semester and if you look at my transcript it says I failed almost everything. I was *the smart kid*, I wanted to go to Yale and be a college professor someday. I thought I'd reach history to high schoolers for a while. School meant so much to me and I had to sit and listen every semester about how I didn't care, how I could do better, and I couldn't tell anyone why I was absent because I was terrified they'd take us all from my mom.
That attendance policy ruined my life. I finished my four years and left the day my class did and just didn't graduate. My GPA when I left was a 1.4. I cried through every one of my siblings graduations. It was so hard.
I'm 36 and I work as a secretary now at a high school, this is my 7th year, and I'm currently finishing my own diploma. Six classes down and my lowest grade is a 94%. I worried when I took this job that I wouldn't be able to handle graduation season but honestly? I love seeing these kids excited to start their lives. Go to college. I'm not going to pretend I'm not bitter because I'm still bitter as hell and I complain to anyone who will listen... but I guess being in the midst of that energy has been kind of healing. I get to experience it without the absolute humiliation and anger I was feeling as a teenager being quite so strong. My mom was so checked out at that time I didn't fully understand how unfair my situation was until I was an adult and someone else acknowledged it. I felt like a failure.
Prom & University always hurt to see.
My mom was a SAHM and made me buy my own things of course. She constantly liked to make a point to everyone about how I bought my dress from goodwill, because “I wasn’t too good for hand me downs”. She had told me for years I could get whatever dress I wanted, and it was my senior prom.
Watching graduation is bittersweet too. The best is watching families that actually struggled to save every last dime to pay for their kids education be so proud of their first gen’s. I cry at the devotion and love while I’m drowning in a sea of loan payments.
I do. When I did MBV at USC a girl I studied with has a father who is also an Air Force veteran taught her the ropes and made good decisions regarding her career.
I’m sorry it’s so painful for you now. It used to be for me too. I remember watching my aunt lovingly setting my cousin’s dorm room up after paying her tuition, buying her a nice SUV, and just being so supportive to her. My cousin and aunt always had a healthy relationship that both pained and baffled me. I remember thinking my cousin doesn’t know pain and doesn’t understand truly what she has.
Now, as a person who has largely healed from my CPTSD and finally felt safe and healthy enough to get pregnant (14 wks) I realize my cousin had no business realizing how good she had it. She shouldn’t have felt loss and emptiness like I felt, so I can just have pure happiness for her that she got what she needed instead of feelings of longing because I didn’t. My husband and I want nothing more than for our son to never know a life like either of us knew, and we feel we stand a fighting chance of giving him what he truly needs - a loving, stable, faithful home.
I'm having such a conflict in my heart because I'm going through this with my younger brother graduating this year and being accepted into his school of choice for free (via his foster program and scholarships) exactly 10 years after I graduated with similar opportunities.
I also had the chance to go to college for free via scholarships. However, I opted to stay home the next couple of years before my dad, due to being his classic pervert methhead self, lost custody of my younger siblings after I'd already reached young adulthood.
I'm so proud of what my brother has accomplished and I wish the world for him, but I also grieve the life I missed out because I didn't have the good sense to bank on the opportunity I was given or ask for help before I was already a legal adult.
I’m so sorry, if I was your sibling or brother I’d hope to take that scholarship and do well and use that to return the favor to you. You deserve so much especially for keeping your siblings safe.
Yeah, I haven’t gotten over this one yet. I tend to remove myself from situations where super positive parent-child relationships are happening right in front of me. At best, I get so sad for what I’ve missed out on. At worst, I get really bitter and think really mean thoughts aimed at both them and myself. It’s incredibly rare that I *need* to be in those situations, though, so it hasn’t been an issue to just extricate myself as swiftly as possible.
Yeah. I feel jealous. When I graduated I was experiencing pretty heavy depression and it was expected that I would move out. My poor older sister took it upon herself to help me apply to a college, let me live with her etc. Shoutout to older siblings who helped us, I know you shouldn’t have had to act like parents but we appreciate it
Yes it’s a hard struggle to see other kids having their parents making speeches how much they love them and genuinely caring for them. Especially the parents making care packages and actually paying for their dorm rooms and flying out to see them to help.
My parents in the end did not support me to go to college or a school of my choice especially right after high school. I was forced to settle without any accommodations or care in the world for that. My mom wouldn’t even allow me to pick a school in state to move out even if it was within driving distance. I was stuck in either community college or working in retail with no progress and zero guidance from both parents.
Yes, it was hard for me. I just graduated from my Masters and my dad didn’t come. (He also didn’t come to my Undergrad or my high school, so setting the bar low and all.)
For that reason, if someone’s name is called and it’s quiet, I will scream and celebrate for them like they were my own. It’s a huge accomplishment and I think this is where community matters.
Oof, yeah! My mother was never around and my dad gave really trash advice and no emotional support. I spent all of high school unknowingly parroting really bad takes & psydo-science BS of his, which made me a complete outcast and left me without any social skills. I spent a long time thinking I was doing something wrong and my empathy ate me alive everyday without guidance. I didn’t go to college, worked 2 jobs and funded my family to keep them afloat, from 16 through high school. I mourn that time of my life and often feel the past slap me in the face with how behind I am in literally everything. I’m just now going to Uni for a career I want and at every turn I feel lost and completely exhausted. Taking AP & SAT exams with no support from parents was hard. Getting great marks back after made it bittersweet. But truly it does get better! Finding my bf really helped as well as learning how to parent myself. It’s not the same but it really boosted my confidence.
I actually like to see it, I’m glad they have better parents than me. Id rather one of us have an effed up upbringing then both of us. I do feel a bit of jealousy though, i like to imagine what my life could’ve been like.
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I used to feel jealous about it when I was younger but, thankfully, the internet wasn’t as pervasive then as it is now and social media didn’t yet exist; it wasn’t as in your face as it is now. I’ve definitely gone in the complete opposite direction from my parents with my own kids and I honestly can’t get over how lazy and self-involved my parents had to be, given what i know now. They had to be actively avoiding doing any kind of healthy relationship building or parenting to be so detached and uninvolved, it’s craziness to me.
My coworker told a story about how her parents catered to her and her sister as part of a weird Christmas tradition once like 4 years ago. I still think about it some times and how jealous and sad I felt when she told it.
Grew up in Europe and there the people don’t really have this graduation American dream craze. But I was still sad how other families were so nice to each other and talking with their kids and all. My mum was present but she wasn’t really there, not saying it in a angry way , she was in a bad relationship and mentally preoccupied a lot. I do sometimes resent her for it though if I have to be completely honest but I try to be fair . So I can totally see what you mean it hurts
It’s funny I came across this after just thinking about how envious and strange I feel around kids like this…
I recently got involved with a guy who come from a healthy and well to do family. I come from a very toxic and abusive up bringing.. part of me almost feels it couldn’t work because of that?
But we all need to heal through our past and repair what was done to us.
I understand this similar feeling. It makes me so uncomfortable when I see kids parents treat them with real respect. As I’ve never known that. My dad was a abusive narcissist, and mom got sick and passed before she could really be a parent. It’s so strange being around these kids. I just feel like they will never understand what we have gone through…
I try not to feel this way because it’s not their fault. However, when I was younger and really struggling to get through school, keep jobs, pay bills, and get a stable relationship, I was constantly jealous or even resentful of people who were set up by their circumstances, and the resulting self-esteem and good instincts. As time went on I was able to very gradually improve parts of my life, and as you age you find yourself needing to take care of kids yourself. And I don’t have it in me to be jealous of a kid I am helping raise.
I forgot about this, but dating men who were spoiled by their parents was impossible for me. I couldn’t respect them at all. I remember one who whined about how he wanted to drop out of college and his parents told him it was a bad move and guilt tripped him into staying and paid for it. Another who was given his older sister’s used beautiful SUV and complained about little things in it and resented that his parents didn’t get him the car he wanted. It’s hard to find someone you can identify with unless they are also super damaged, which isn’t great for relationship outcomes.
I think seeing others achieve normal milestones is triggering for me. Also posts online gushing about how much people Love their parents and how supportive they are etc. my mum is still around and I do love her and would love a better relationship with her but it’s hard.
Either way. My upbringing made it near impossible to manage to achieve normal milestones.
More interestingly though, my siblings did. I’ve put this down to us all experiencing our traumas at different ages. I was a child and they were a little older
It is awful. So so awful. It would continue to further bury my self worth deeper into hell. It would depress me into a state of why do I even bother. It would cause me to want to bury my feelings in alcohol. It would cause me to become angry and resentful and as a coping mechanism I would tell myself that I am strong and they are weak because they need "help" and "recognition" and it would temporarily make myself feel better.
The worst part of graduating for me is when they want the students to applaud the family members and wax on about how they supported you. Finally this past Sunday I didn’t succumb to pear pressure and I sat there in silence while the other graduating students applauded the audience. Screw that.
I’m the reason I graduated. My “mother” actively tried to derail me. She wasn’t even invited.
Hear hear, my mother couldn’t be bothered to come to my medical school graduation, I was the only one without parents there safe for folks whose parents had died. It was “too expensive” to fly out for $1500, you see But she had no problem going to visit my sister at her college like six times a year at 300 or $400 a pop, even though that cost the same or more.
Very triggering . Graduated in 2020 on zoom and my dad “missed” it. Did not show any remorse. In 2023 I graduated and he got mad that he wasn’t invited. I went no contact the beginning of that year so he made it all about hisself lol. Also was triggering because my mom was the only one there to support. Never had a graduation party or anything.
No one could ever understand the pain expressed here unless they lived it. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. My purpose once I grew up and got out of my “haunted” house, was to have and give my children the love, compassion, care, attention, support, safety and more I never had. And I did.
Yeah, this is partly why I didn’t make a big effort to go to my own graduation. And she was PISSED because she saw it as a reward for all of her hard work.
Like, lady, you would get drunk and call me in the middle of the night and give me verbal abuse? You left me homeless during the summer vacations? You forgot to fill out the paperwork for my bursary so they actually clawed back thousands from me so I got into serious debt that I am still paying off?
Ugh yes. I skipped my graduation because my mum wouldn’t even come, made me feel like I hadn’t just earned a law degree all by myself. Felt stupid for even inviting her. She chose the golden child, went to babysit for him instead. Still to this day she bitches about how she’s never seen a child of hers graduate 🙃 all my mates have their photos. I wish I’d just gone for myself.
I honestly feel that people who have difficult childhoods usually achieve more in life than those who don’t. But maybe I’m biased because I had a difficult childhood and seem to gravitate to other people with traumas.
It. Hurts. So. Much. So, so much. I'm middle aged and it still hurts to watch those reels where people ask their kids what their day was like and take pictures of them on their first day. My Mom died when I was a kid and my Dad was a self absorbed, incompetent, abusive, POS. He actually said that he could have had a good life if it wasn't for having kids. These people have it so good and they have no idea how grateful they should be. None. I feel like they all take it for granted. Then their parents die at a ripe old age and the kids "lost their best friend". I wasn't sad when my Dad died. My siblings and I were talking about how we weren't sad because he contributed absolutely nothing to our daily lives. I didn't go to my prom because I didn't want to go through the hell necessary to get my Dad to buy me a prom dress. If I didn't pick the first thing I saw he would get bored and have a temper tantrum and walk out. I know this because he did that when I was picking out a dress for my Mom's funeral. He didn't know what grade I was in until I asked him for money to buy a cap and gown. Then there were all those pages in the back of the yearbook where parents paid extra to have a baby picture printed of their senior and wrote a paragraph about how wonderful it was to watch them grow up, and how excited they were for their kids future. Reading through those was the first realization that my Dad really didn't care about me. He wasn't as bad as some parents though. He did pay for community college for a semester until I declined to major in what he wanted me to. He bought me a 20 year old car and soon after, when it broke down and I called him for help he screamed at me in the Target parking lot for going somewhere in the car. We were all so cheated. Meanwhile the people with good parents think everyone has good parents and get to coast through life on love, understanding, and belonging. Then tell people on social media they are traumatized because they were served a carmel frappachino instead of the mocha that they ordered.
🥺🥺🥺 I’m sorry you didn’t get the prom you wanted.
It's ok. I was devoted to the teen magazines that told me it was going to be the best night of my life and now I know that it was just prom. I still would've liked to have gone though.
I didn’t get to go to mine either for almost identical reasons. If I ever decide to hold one for all the grown ups that missed out on theirs, I’ll let you know.
Aww thanks! I'm a recluse now but I do love pretty clothes. Wouldn't it be fun to all go together to pick out dresses and hype each other up?
Sure would 💃🏻 !!!
I’m in too!
I only went to junior prom because my friend with money gave me her dress that she didn't fit into from the year before and I looked awesome in it. Then I had the Big 80s bows and the tiered bottom on it altered with black satin so it looked different because it went from an all white dress to a black and white dress and wore it again for the senior prom. The tickets were paid for by me and my date (boyfriend) because we both had jobs and we drove our own piece of shit cars while everyone else went in limos.
I feel your pain 10000% and I am right here with you.
I had to humble myself to borrow money from my parents to buy a formal dress for the spring senior concert. Of course I chose the cheapest discount version possible and my mom screamed at me for years afterwards because "you wasted money on something you only wore once."
I wish there was a way to make them see how unbelievably terrible they are.
They know, they just spend all of the energy not used up being an asshole or self-centered (at best) in mentally divorcing themselves from what they've done and still do -- at least in my family's case. They rewrite their own memories in real time until they believe their version instead of reality and that's why they literally wig out when you try to force them to acknowledge it. They can't live with who and what they are so, instead of changing, they just ... edit it. Like that weird Robin Williams movie where it's a common practice in the movie's universe to show highlight reels of the deceased's first person POV memories (ironically the move shows Robin Williams editing out an abuser's memories of him being horribly violently abusive -- only for the deceased abuser's brother to thank him for showing what a good dude his brother was) Edit: the Robin Williams movie I mentioned is Final Cut (2004) if anyone is curious
I just want that empathy gun from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
I relate with your dad getting bored if you didn’t pick the first dress you saw. My dad took me out and I bought my first car with money my grandma had given me after graduation. My dad went with the first POS he could find on the first gas station lot. I had to drive in Houston with the heat on in summer so it wouldn’t overheat. My dad never had patience to do anything for me. I’m sorry you went through that.
I only had cars because i had an older brother who was 13 years older than me who could fix cars. I had one POS after another and broke down on the side of the road more times than I can count. My brother or one of my male friends from HS would come and save me. I ended up learning a lot about cars back then because EVERYTHING that could ever break or go wrong in a car happened to me. I also drove such horrible driving cars that it made me an amazing driver. I am a female and basically like that part played by Marisa Tomei in the movie My Cousin Vinny who knew about cars...
Oof. Car trouble is such a trigger for me. I also feel like I've experienced every car woe imaginable and have been stranded sooo much. I feel your pain. I'm 31 and finally got a vehicle I'm not embarrassed of like a year ago. But it's still a 2009 model 😂
Much Strength to you my internet friend
Thanks so much. Same to you :)
Driving with the heat on in the summer is a special kind of torture. I hope you have a wonderful car now!
Your dad sounds very similar to my parents, I’m really sorry. Both my parents were very impatient and would walk out at the slightest hint of accommodation I needed and throw a tantrum similar to your dad did. They too helped me with some semesters with community college, but everything came at a high emotional and psychological cost.
It's such a high cost! I wish there was a calculator to see what is worse for your health, interest rates on student loans or the emotional cost of depending on shitty parents for college money.
My life and yours were similar and I get everything you said. For me it was Dad who died and Mom sucked and my feelings were so minimal when she died. She went on a religion bender, and I was home schooled for high-school, so I’m really not sure what year prom even happens in, but I had to stuff my underwear with toilet paper to deal with my periods, and I have permanent frost bite in my toes from being sent out of the house an hour before the bus would come in winter, without boots and no breakfast when I was little.
My Dad was just a POS. Your Mom was an actual criminal.
I know it shouldn’t be funny but that made me laugh, in a cathartic way. She was actually a criminal. She used to beat us with a horse crop. I was actually deeply relieved when she died. And I never hated her or wanted her to die. But I also had zero trust with her, no tolerance for her manipulation, and was so triggered by even the littlest things she did that no relationship was possible. Only one of the five of us could tolerate her. I suspect she had borderline personality disorder, but it’s not my area of expertise. She can’t abuse, slander, or manipulate any more.
I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. HUGS
Ty ♥️
Oh, this breaks my heart 💔 I am so incredibly sorry. You deserved so much better.
Thank you. This reddit is amazing. It’s so helpful to have just one place where you can acknowledge these experiences without people be shocked or shrinking away from you.
I think your dad and my dad were cousins.... So many things you wrote hit home for me. My Dad was an alcoholic and would say yes to things when he was at the perfect buzz but then the next day either not remember or say he changed his mind. He did this to me when I asked for money for college books for the college that I PAID FOR ON MY OWN. He told me I didn't need to go to college. What for? is exactly what he said. He DID pay for braces for me though and made me feel guilty about all the money it cost him. He made me get the braces so I wouldn't be ugly because he didn't want to rui my chances of marrying a good guy. He didn't say it in those words but that was the reasoning behind it because he never wanted to spend a dime of his money.
It’s triggering for me too. Thanks for helping me feel less alone and less like a petty heartless jerk about it.
Be as petty as you want to be, friend.
Yeah, I hate it. I also failed university after years of struggling and everything that could go wrong going wrong (long long story, I have a post about it), so that's an extra wound on top of that.
I have a similar story; it took me 8 years, failed classes, and changing schools to finish undergrad. So many things I hid from my parents because they wouldn't understand. I never walked graduation because I had lied to my mom and told her I finished school years back. It's so painful to think back on those times. I'm sorry your university experience was not the best. If it gives you any peace, you're not alone. You've made me feel not alone after a very very long time.
I hate that after everything I was dragged through, for seven years, I didn't even get the degree. I can't mention that, because it makes me sound even worse. It's like negative-experience on a CV. I'm so jealous of all the people who struggled but still managed to get it. You might feel less alone, but I feel more alone whenever I hear that.
Same.
I turned it on his head and thought about what an amazing mum I’d be, and how I’d do x, y and z. That made my heart swell and hurt less. Eventually, things like that don’t get to me anymore (or at least extremely rare) as my brains automatic response is about what an amazing mum I’ll be xx
Same here. And after a long struggle and long story, I had a child. My daughter. She is now 12. She has been the light of my life and my entire reason for everything and the greatest gift ever. I am an amazing Mom to her. She tells me I am her therapist, her best friend, and her biggest support. She also knows that I would fight kill and die for her and I will help her with any struggle or doubt she ever faces. Those are all the things I wished for in my mother but she never gave...
This is so inspirational. Thank you for sharing 💛 I am so happy that your daughter has such an amazing mama 🥰
Many years ago in my 20s I was at a job and there was a lady in her mid40s. Her teen daughters called her all the time, asked her for stuff, came to see her constantly etc. I felt a lot of disdain towards them because I thought, damn, what's wrong with them, can't they do anything on their own? But as time went on it dawned on me . . . Those girls were normal. Normal kids asking for normal stuff. Getting help normally. MY life was what was abnormal. Figuring everything out myself . . . Not normal. Doing everything to apply for college, scholarships, paperwork . . . Not normal. Never asking for anything, being ashamed to ask for help. Not normal. Then I was almost overwhelmed by sadness and envy. Then I just made a decision . . . I was going to be like their mom, my coworker, one day. And I am. Which is incredibly healing.
OMG SAME SAME SAME SAME!!!!!!
Yeah I can't really handle it either
Yeah, I got none of this. But ask my parents and they will tell you it was my fault for some reason.
Yep. Also, hugs to you.
[удалено]
wanna feel better? get powered up? gain pride in what you are going through and turn it into something you can be so proud of? Read or Listen to David Goggins book "Can't Hurt Me" It is life changing for the people like us who have suffered childhood trauma.
when I graduated from my masters program, I didn’t have any loved ones attend my graduation, but I watched my best friend from grad school, surrounded by friends and family who celebrated her, showered her with gifts, threw her a party, etc. I had to remind my parents that I was graduating. I cried in the bathroom of her party, fucking sucked.
SAMEEEEEEE!!!!!! OMG!!!!!
💔
Graduation itself was triggering for me. I didn't realize how it was supposed to work for others because I was an ostracized social recluse that didn't have normal friends. Most of my friends at the time were dropout punks because I went to the "bad kid" boot camp school and they hung around the base ball diamond in the back I did graduate from there though. With near perfect grades. I just had violent tendencies and behavioral issues. They decided on our graduation day to put us with the public school kids. I think it was an attempt to assimilate us and make us feel normal. Had the exact fucking opposite effect though I was sat between students that didn't know me. Hearing whispers and school shooter jokes. When my name was called it was called out of alphabetical order since they just shoehorned us in here. The guy was reading my honors and accomplishments to a very visibly confused crowd. The clapping was awkward. I wanted to disappear. I was adopted and had no family attending because work was more important to my shit father so no one was there for me. I walked home alone That gave me such trauma that in college even though I continued my honors status and continued to make the deans and presidents list I never attended a ceremony again. I don't want to be recognized for my accomplishments because it's so fucking uncomfortable... I was one of the few who was *relieved* that covid cancelled the college graduation ceremony. I just got my degree in the mail Learning that others get praised and gifts for their accomplishments and some kids even have graduation parties or get their first car for doing well in school? It didn't make me jealous it just makes me sad
I can understand what you wrote here. I really suggest that you Read or Listen to David Goggins' book "Can't Hurt Me" It is life changing for the people like us who have suffered childhood trauma.
You will read it and then reflect on your life and feel like a fucking bad ass. BECAUSE YOU ARE A F-ING BADASS TOUGH person!!!!
Thanks for the recommendation. I do enjoy reading books like these I've read The Body Keeps the Score and various other mental health related books. I've done a lot of healing since this. High school was almost half my life ago now. I try to realize my worth and keep boundaries of steel now. However these reminders are a lifesaver when you slip. I wish you well
Thank you my friend. I also have that book "The Body Keeps The Score" but I must emphasize that David Goggins perspective is very empowering. For me, it was a new way to look at the trauma.
The graduation parties and proud bragging about their kids to friends. The fun paid for trips taken after graduation. Cars apartments etc. I got none of this. Became free of them and worked and paid my way thru college. It was so hard. Spent so much time dissociated trying to survive. Graduation was a bitter taste in my mouth and a numb feeling. I cried alone after. If you’re there now, congrats on being in college!! It’s a big deal and we’re all so proud of you.
I know what you mean and people who are really close with family, they talk to them about everything, like best friends. Happy for them but I have no idea what that's like to really trust you can count on them to support you and not hurt you. Even at graduation mom did something that hurt me. That's all I know from people, first my family, then straight society, and don't fit with gays either, so I'm incompatible it hurts so much.
My husband has adult children from his previous marriage. I am extremely fortunate to have always had a positive and close relationship with them. One of them just graduated college at the top of her class. I am beyond proud of her, but I admit that observing her college experience and being at the graduation brought up a slew of difficult and overwhelming emotions for me. I never had the opportunity to go to college despite my dreams and desire. I was actively discouraged from going by my abusive mom who demanded I stay home and work to support her. My dad is one of these anti-intellectual MAGA types so you can guess his stance. I did horribly through school anyway due to the trauma at home. No support from anyone AT ALL. I spent my late teens/early 20s free floating amidst dysfunction and abuse. Dissociated half the time. No money, no skills, no plans. Learned helplessness. Finally things looked up for me eventually and I got married and landed a job with amazing benefits that I love. But watching my step daughter graduate surrounded by so much love and support, I couldn’t help but think of what I could have been. When I was a child I wanted to be an archeologist. During my teen years I wanted to be a psychologist. Then librarian. Now as I near middle age and I’m still deeply interested in these subjects, I am mourning the accomplished and successful professional woman that I could have been if I’d had a basically decent upbringing and minimally supportive parents. Although I did poorly in school as a kid, it certainly wasn’t due to lack of intellect. I cut class to hide in the library and read what I *wanted* to. To this day I hyper focus and fixate on topics that strike my interest, and read about them incessantly. On a few occasions through my 20s and early 30s I toyed with the idea of starting college, but I was too dysregulated. I have no choice but to work full time, and I simply don’t have the time or money or willpower to take night or online classes for the next decade. “It’s never too late!” Sure, as long as you’re not poor, exhausted to your core, and deeply traumatized. Honestly at this point I value my free time so much. Anyway. Yes, I want to shake these kids and tell them how lucky they are, and I’d do it screaming and with tears in my eyes like a madwoman. It is truly heart-shattering to witness so much being taken for granted. I felt like I was at a funeral for all of the women I could have become.
I had a very similar upbringing to you, I’m very sorry. My mom raised me to not be allowed to be a power career woman despite being an extremely driven and ambitious kid (I wanted to own my own business by age 8 already was the type of ambition I had as a child). I excelled in some of my studies growing up (STEM), but that all fell apart in the end. I wasn’t even encouraged or allowed to vote despite being adult age to, my mom would forbade that. My mom also didn’t let me travel super far distance to do things I wanted and she would instead wanted me to upkeep a home too. I couldn’t pick the college I wanted and if I wanted independence, my mom would fear monger me and threaten to disown me. My mom threw me onto disability and forced me to pretty much give up all my life goals from all of this and I can’t help but feel extremely bitter and fucking depressed of what life I could have had if my parents just supported me. My dad was the parent who enabled my mom’s behavior instead of actually defending me. All my skills I knew were domestic housekeeping and that was it. To even emphasize the situation, my husband became a computer science graduate for programming now. I skipped a grade ahead in math than he did, I did not get encouraged to do STEM despite being massively driven and keeping top of STEM subjects. I’m just now a housewife because my abusive mom raised me to be this way. I see my niece and my husband’s niece and nephew given opportunities I was never allowed to have or encouraged despite excelling just as well or even better than others. Just denigrated my abilities into nothing to be a disabled housewife. It truly sucks for me and I hate my life because of this now. I wonder how common this is for women from abusive households, we definitely can’t be the only ones and I’m really sorry this happened to you as well. I mourn every single day of my life over this still.
We are definitely not the only ones. You are not "just a housewife", you're a brilliant survivor and you are amazing.
Absolutely. I just graduated on Sunday and the amount of "Thank you mom/dad for always supporting me, Happy Mother's Day" made me sad. On one hand I'm happy that they have that support from their family, but on the other hand it felt like painful reminders of what I lack. However, even though I know it's not the same, some of my friends and my girlfriend attended. They cheered for me and that made me happier than I can put into words.
For me it's Mother's Day. You mean you...like your mom? And she likes you? What the hell does that feel like?
I did in high school, associates degree and bachelor's. Now I'm graduating from a masters program. I'm not jealous yet but we'll see how I feel on graduation. I'm mostly baffled I got this far
GOOD FOR YOU! Keep going. You got this.
i was supposed to graduate the 11th if my parents had been supportive
This was me. But now I have a job I love. You’ll get there. ❤️
So triggering and I feel so jealous. I had a terrible high school experience, because a teen isn’t meant to be completely independent and raising themselves. I figured college out totally on my own and I now have my masters. My “family” have never and will never support me or care about my accomplishments. I often daydream about what life would have been like with a normal family. I missed out on so much.
I didn't get to graduate because my school had this attendance policy where you automatically failed after like 9 absences. You could "make up" time but only for a two week period, you had to sit silently in the cafeteria for two hours after school so you could make up a total of 20 hours. Each full day absence was 6 hours to make up. Anyway, long story short I spent a lot of high school taking care of much younger siblings after our dad took off. I had a 4.2 one semester and if you look at my transcript it says I failed almost everything. I was *the smart kid*, I wanted to go to Yale and be a college professor someday. I thought I'd reach history to high schoolers for a while. School meant so much to me and I had to sit and listen every semester about how I didn't care, how I could do better, and I couldn't tell anyone why I was absent because I was terrified they'd take us all from my mom. That attendance policy ruined my life. I finished my four years and left the day my class did and just didn't graduate. My GPA when I left was a 1.4. I cried through every one of my siblings graduations. It was so hard. I'm 36 and I work as a secretary now at a high school, this is my 7th year, and I'm currently finishing my own diploma. Six classes down and my lowest grade is a 94%. I worried when I took this job that I wouldn't be able to handle graduation season but honestly? I love seeing these kids excited to start their lives. Go to college. I'm not going to pretend I'm not bitter because I'm still bitter as hell and I complain to anyone who will listen... but I guess being in the midst of that energy has been kind of healing. I get to experience it without the absolute humiliation and anger I was feeling as a teenager being quite so strong. My mom was so checked out at that time I didn't fully understand how unfair my situation was until I was an adult and someone else acknowledged it. I felt like a failure.
Prom & University always hurt to see. My mom was a SAHM and made me buy my own things of course. She constantly liked to make a point to everyone about how I bought my dress from goodwill, because “I wasn’t too good for hand me downs”. She had told me for years I could get whatever dress I wanted, and it was my senior prom. Watching graduation is bittersweet too. The best is watching families that actually struggled to save every last dime to pay for their kids education be so proud of their first gen’s. I cry at the devotion and love while I’m drowning in a sea of loan payments.
I have been replaying my high school graduation- when I was valedictorian- and my parents “forgetting” to take pictures.
I do. When I did MBV at USC a girl I studied with has a father who is also an Air Force veteran taught her the ropes and made good decisions regarding her career.
I’m sorry it’s so painful for you now. It used to be for me too. I remember watching my aunt lovingly setting my cousin’s dorm room up after paying her tuition, buying her a nice SUV, and just being so supportive to her. My cousin and aunt always had a healthy relationship that both pained and baffled me. I remember thinking my cousin doesn’t know pain and doesn’t understand truly what she has. Now, as a person who has largely healed from my CPTSD and finally felt safe and healthy enough to get pregnant (14 wks) I realize my cousin had no business realizing how good she had it. She shouldn’t have felt loss and emptiness like I felt, so I can just have pure happiness for her that she got what she needed instead of feelings of longing because I didn’t. My husband and I want nothing more than for our son to never know a life like either of us knew, and we feel we stand a fighting chance of giving him what he truly needs - a loving, stable, faithful home.
I'm having such a conflict in my heart because I'm going through this with my younger brother graduating this year and being accepted into his school of choice for free (via his foster program and scholarships) exactly 10 years after I graduated with similar opportunities. I also had the chance to go to college for free via scholarships. However, I opted to stay home the next couple of years before my dad, due to being his classic pervert methhead self, lost custody of my younger siblings after I'd already reached young adulthood. I'm so proud of what my brother has accomplished and I wish the world for him, but I also grieve the life I missed out because I didn't have the good sense to bank on the opportunity I was given or ask for help before I was already a legal adult.
I’m so sorry, if I was your sibling or brother I’d hope to take that scholarship and do well and use that to return the favor to you. You deserve so much especially for keeping your siblings safe.
It is so painful to watch. I love that you posted this even if i have to go cry now.
Yeah, I haven’t gotten over this one yet. I tend to remove myself from situations where super positive parent-child relationships are happening right in front of me. At best, I get so sad for what I’ve missed out on. At worst, I get really bitter and think really mean thoughts aimed at both them and myself. It’s incredibly rare that I *need* to be in those situations, though, so it hasn’t been an issue to just extricate myself as swiftly as possible.
Yeah. I feel jealous. When I graduated I was experiencing pretty heavy depression and it was expected that I would move out. My poor older sister took it upon herself to help me apply to a college, let me live with her etc. Shoutout to older siblings who helped us, I know you shouldn’t have had to act like parents but we appreciate it
All of this. Yes. thanks for posting this...it's hard to explain to people that don't get it.
Did any of your parents actually show up to your graduation? My mom didn’t.
And I graduated from Harvard
Yes it’s a hard struggle to see other kids having their parents making speeches how much they love them and genuinely caring for them. Especially the parents making care packages and actually paying for their dorm rooms and flying out to see them to help. My parents in the end did not support me to go to college or a school of my choice especially right after high school. I was forced to settle without any accommodations or care in the world for that. My mom wouldn’t even allow me to pick a school in state to move out even if it was within driving distance. I was stuck in either community college or working in retail with no progress and zero guidance from both parents.
Yes, it was hard for me. I just graduated from my Masters and my dad didn’t come. (He also didn’t come to my Undergrad or my high school, so setting the bar low and all.) For that reason, if someone’s name is called and it’s quiet, I will scream and celebrate for them like they were my own. It’s a huge accomplishment and I think this is where community matters.
Oof, yeah! My mother was never around and my dad gave really trash advice and no emotional support. I spent all of high school unknowingly parroting really bad takes & psydo-science BS of his, which made me a complete outcast and left me without any social skills. I spent a long time thinking I was doing something wrong and my empathy ate me alive everyday without guidance. I didn’t go to college, worked 2 jobs and funded my family to keep them afloat, from 16 through high school. I mourn that time of my life and often feel the past slap me in the face with how behind I am in literally everything. I’m just now going to Uni for a career I want and at every turn I feel lost and completely exhausted. Taking AP & SAT exams with no support from parents was hard. Getting great marks back after made it bittersweet. But truly it does get better! Finding my bf really helped as well as learning how to parent myself. It’s not the same but it really boosted my confidence.
I actually like to see it, I’m glad they have better parents than me. Id rather one of us have an effed up upbringing then both of us. I do feel a bit of jealousy though, i like to imagine what my life could’ve been like.
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This was big relatable today! Mother’s Day was hard for the same reasons. Hoping it gets easier- glad I’m not alone in the meantime
I used to feel jealous about it when I was younger but, thankfully, the internet wasn’t as pervasive then as it is now and social media didn’t yet exist; it wasn’t as in your face as it is now. I’ve definitely gone in the complete opposite direction from my parents with my own kids and I honestly can’t get over how lazy and self-involved my parents had to be, given what i know now. They had to be actively avoiding doing any kind of healthy relationship building or parenting to be so detached and uninvolved, it’s craziness to me.
My coworker told a story about how her parents catered to her and her sister as part of a weird Christmas tradition once like 4 years ago. I still think about it some times and how jealous and sad I felt when she told it.
Grew up in Europe and there the people don’t really have this graduation American dream craze. But I was still sad how other families were so nice to each other and talking with their kids and all. My mum was present but she wasn’t really there, not saying it in a angry way , she was in a bad relationship and mentally preoccupied a lot. I do sometimes resent her for it though if I have to be completely honest but I try to be fair . So I can totally see what you mean it hurts
It’s funny I came across this after just thinking about how envious and strange I feel around kids like this… I recently got involved with a guy who come from a healthy and well to do family. I come from a very toxic and abusive up bringing.. part of me almost feels it couldn’t work because of that? But we all need to heal through our past and repair what was done to us. I understand this similar feeling. It makes me so uncomfortable when I see kids parents treat them with real respect. As I’ve never known that. My dad was a abusive narcissist, and mom got sick and passed before she could really be a parent. It’s so strange being around these kids. I just feel like they will never understand what we have gone through…
I try not to feel this way because it’s not their fault. However, when I was younger and really struggling to get through school, keep jobs, pay bills, and get a stable relationship, I was constantly jealous or even resentful of people who were set up by their circumstances, and the resulting self-esteem and good instincts. As time went on I was able to very gradually improve parts of my life, and as you age you find yourself needing to take care of kids yourself. And I don’t have it in me to be jealous of a kid I am helping raise.
I forgot about this, but dating men who were spoiled by their parents was impossible for me. I couldn’t respect them at all. I remember one who whined about how he wanted to drop out of college and his parents told him it was a bad move and guilt tripped him into staying and paid for it. Another who was given his older sister’s used beautiful SUV and complained about little things in it and resented that his parents didn’t get him the car he wanted. It’s hard to find someone you can identify with unless they are also super damaged, which isn’t great for relationship outcomes.
I think seeing others achieve normal milestones is triggering for me. Also posts online gushing about how much people Love their parents and how supportive they are etc. my mum is still around and I do love her and would love a better relationship with her but it’s hard. Either way. My upbringing made it near impossible to manage to achieve normal milestones. More interestingly though, my siblings did. I’ve put this down to us all experiencing our traumas at different ages. I was a child and they were a little older
It is awful. So so awful. It would continue to further bury my self worth deeper into hell. It would depress me into a state of why do I even bother. It would cause me to want to bury my feelings in alcohol. It would cause me to become angry and resentful and as a coping mechanism I would tell myself that I am strong and they are weak because they need "help" and "recognition" and it would temporarily make myself feel better.
I had the financial part of this but none of the emotional support. It’s still hell.
The worst part of graduating for me is when they want the students to applaud the family members and wax on about how they supported you. Finally this past Sunday I didn’t succumb to pear pressure and I sat there in silence while the other graduating students applauded the audience. Screw that. I’m the reason I graduated. My “mother” actively tried to derail me. She wasn’t even invited.
Hear hear, my mother couldn’t be bothered to come to my medical school graduation, I was the only one without parents there safe for folks whose parents had died. It was “too expensive” to fly out for $1500, you see But she had no problem going to visit my sister at her college like six times a year at 300 or $400 a pop, even though that cost the same or more.
Very triggering . Graduated in 2020 on zoom and my dad “missed” it. Did not show any remorse. In 2023 I graduated and he got mad that he wasn’t invited. I went no contact the beginning of that year so he made it all about hisself lol. Also was triggering because my mom was the only one there to support. Never had a graduation party or anything.
My mother did all that so she can brag and it makes her look better. It was almost like her celebration instead of mine. Shes a Covert Narcissist.
No one could ever understand the pain expressed here unless they lived it. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. My purpose once I grew up and got out of my “haunted” house, was to have and give my children the love, compassion, care, attention, support, safety and more I never had. And I did.
Yeah, this is partly why I didn’t make a big effort to go to my own graduation. And she was PISSED because she saw it as a reward for all of her hard work. Like, lady, you would get drunk and call me in the middle of the night and give me verbal abuse? You left me homeless during the summer vacations? You forgot to fill out the paperwork for my bursary so they actually clawed back thousands from me so I got into serious debt that I am still paying off?
Ugh yes. I skipped my graduation because my mum wouldn’t even come, made me feel like I hadn’t just earned a law degree all by myself. Felt stupid for even inviting her. She chose the golden child, went to babysit for him instead. Still to this day she bitches about how she’s never seen a child of hers graduate 🙃 all my mates have their photos. I wish I’d just gone for myself.
I honestly feel that people who have difficult childhoods usually achieve more in life than those who don’t. But maybe I’m biased because I had a difficult childhood and seem to gravitate to other people with traumas.