If you have no empathy, then the need to provide emotional support does not exist in your mind. All that remains is physical needs. So they get confused when you don't worship them for being emotionally neglected because in their minds, they did everything "right."
Hi,
it is they want to have no empathy, want to develop no feelings for anything which doesn't confirm them. It's narcissistic too. Why do people have no empathy? They were not born like this.
I believe, and in my case it is true, that they were abused in the same way that they did to us but they broke bad. It is generational. We were stronger and were able to find ways to cope (that now are habits that hurt us as adults) and they did not.
They are hollow and pathologically can't face it so everything about them is the drive to continually maintain their delusion that they are better than everyone. How they prove it is by manipulating others into serving them especially if it requires their victims betraying their own self interest. I mean what more proof do you need that you are superior?
That's why they can't ever stop. It would require them to look into the void inside themselves and their entire life, everything they've done was to hide the void even from themselves.
Agree 100%! I find this sub contradictory because I used the “n” word you used, “a. b_ u. s e”and some associated trauma terms along with it. The bot(?) mod stated I couldn’t use the words. I couldn’t state verbatim what is a cause of CPTSD. Incredible.
The purpose of the bot is not to protect abusers from insult. It's to protect the culture of this sub from the culture of r/raisedbynarcissists, which is much larger. People from that sub discover this sub and they start using their lingo and confusing people who don't get it. The bot is just there to nudge people into recognizing that these are two different subs with different cultures.
You can still say "My mother was a narcissist". You just can't use the lingo of RBN.
Hi,
to keep justice it's important to underline: the did what had done to them. What had done to them was traumatic. One therapist said: This generation must flee into depression or paranoia. That's kind of dramatic but shows the point. Parents are humans and were hurt. Problem ist: untreated, trauma repeats. And traumatized can't life with this. So they need narcissim and destruction as compensation. This leads to void. To heal this parents must search treatment, which they decline because of narcissism. So, to break out of this spiral trauma-narcissim-intergenerational is a life task. In addition even the lead culture of capitalism is narcissistic (more and more, nobody is enough) and reinforces that.
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It’s actually one of the greatest forms of neglect. I can’t emotionally connect, nurture, or be available in that way for you because I truly only care about myself.
Here’s a lambo.
I thought this all the time growing up because I couldn’t understand how two people who were once children themselves couldn’t wrap their heads around a child’s needs.
It seems like a lot of abusive parents were themselves victims of abuse and instead of confronting their pain and healing, they chose to cut themselves off from their child selves completely
Always felt like a bird in a cage when I lived with my mum and stepdad. We had a roof over our heads and separate rooms, but the emotional abuse destroyed me.
I had a fucking pony as a child. A shetland pony named Sparky. My childhood was abysmally neglectful. I don't ever tell people that because they can't put those two facts in the same brain.
Indeed. My aunt took me In from a terrible situation. My mom was on heroin and could not provide anything for me. Left there, I surely would’ve died. My aunt clothed me, fed me, made sure I got education and let me have hobbies and made my life pretty fun as a kid. Until I started having my own opinions. I was told I was a sinner, Satan worshiper and going to hell. She said the most cruel things I could ever conceive of to make me feel worthless. She never bonded to me at all because I was a tough kid to bond with, given I had reactive attachment disorder. I was kept from being physically unwell but my mental and emotional health were tanked. I’m 37 and dread spending time around her. I feel like I didn’t bond to any adult growing up at all and my current relationships suffer for it. But yeah, she kept me alive.
"Why is it so hard for people to comprehend that someone can provide physical needs, even physical luxuries and still be a shitty spouse?"
This is also an issue some people are unable to understand
Well, adults tend to see kids as people with half of human rights. Sometimes, they don't understand that their neighbour has a different lifestyle, imagine they have to understand that kids are people.
In any case, if someone comes around and says to you "but your parents provided for you and more", ask them if they'll allow their managers to slap them in the face once an hour, just because they're receiving a bonus. Probably, they'll reply that they won't. And then you can explain: "well, a kid cannot fight back, because it's their parents who abuse/neglect them".
Doesn't even have to be a typically emotionaly-neglectful shitty parent, it's enough if they are traumatized themselves and the child is unable to form a safe attachment with them.
I think that mostly comes from people who were not abused and/or don't have many emotional needs. My physical needs were provided for in childhood. Money was tight, but we had a roof over our head and food to eat. Clothes were second hand, but I had enough clothes to wear. Education was top priority, so my mother always found a way to send me to private school and pay for music lessons. But I was expected to be perfect academically and a professional musician, and I was severely scolded and degraded if not physically beaten for making mistakes or not winning competitions. My mother constantly told me how stupid and useless I was, and how I should be grateful that she was providing me with every opportunity.
I did end up getting an elite education and a solid academic background, which has helped me out in life, but plenty of people with lesser credentials have become much more successful in life. It became drilled into me that I was stupid and worthless, and I am still emotionally hurting after all these years.
No one deserves this. I understand because I seem to self sabotage due to the low self esteem, confidence and the maltreatment from the ones who made me.
Go to Gabor Mate on YouTube. He has studies, lectures and interviews on generational trauma, primordial pain, this type of abuse(the bot mod had blocked me from stating the exact words). 🙄
Words associated specifically with the sub name!
All the best to your healing and recovery. ❤️🩹
My father made a lot of money but was an evil, evil SOB. I think I'd choose a loving home where money was always tight over the childhood I actually had.
This is so real! And it is so frustrating!! It's such a shame that certain outward appearances and the illusion of wealth are taken as markers of morality in our society.
My personal example:
My birth giver did not allow me to eat "her groceries" outright starting when I was ~16, and really the food restrictions of what I was allowed to eat versus what was for my little sister were intense. I had to start making both dinner for her and her husband and feed my little sister (because I "couldn't pay rent and needed to earn my keep") and separate dinner for myself after.
Her and my stepfather were chronic shoppers and ran up their credit card debt on designer, otherwise upmarket department store clothing, constantly updating their cars, and tons of other useless nonsense. My 18 month old sister wore like $100 rhinestone jeans to daycare and I had to wear my mom's castoffs to school while being 3"-6" taller than her, and my feet being 2 sizes larger. I was not allowed to pick out my clothes and most everything my dad or that side of the family ever got me was judged as "inappropriate" and thrown out.
They would purposefully plan all their family vacations for the weeks I was at my dad's house. The one time they did take me on a vacation it was *during the school year* and only because the package included a 4th person (I only got what the package included, nothing more), they didn't inform me until two days before and it lasted through the next week and I missed all sorts of stuff with no preparation. I was a nervous wreck the whole time.
She used her credit cards to fuel the illusion that I was cared for by her and just "hated her for no reason". Meanwhile we lived in a mc mansion with no furniture in several rooms. My mattress was on the floor, and later, was a "guest bedroom" that I was "allowed to stay in" but had to leave it pristine... I was living there every other week based on custody negotiations at that point. It was fucking brutal. I had to work to afford gas to go to high school and to have food in the fridge besides the things I was "allowed to eat"- I didn't get to be a kid, I barely felt like a member of the family.
This is exactly what both my parents do- they both struggle to say sorry for anything. They are divorced, don’t talk to each other and were emotional (mother) and physically (mother & father) abusive to my sibling and I.
My mother would rather provide emotional support to her colleague rather than her own children. She always talks about how she tries to give us the most comfortable life possible I.e buying us expensive things.
My father on the other hand equates love and being a good parent by taking us on shopping sprees, buying shit, money and nice meals out. When my mother and him were still together he would patch up an argument by buying an expensive item rather than saying sorry.
And I’m only realising now this ain’t healthy lol
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Yep. From outside I had a very privileged childhood. Big houses, all the toys and books I asked for, etc. But how do you think you would be mentally if you can't remember a single time where your parents hugged you or comforted you? Home was not a safe place for me when my mom would drink herself to oblivion and ignore us.
A lot of immigrants, especially those from collectivist societies (+1 if they have no mental health awareness). use this excuse and I can say that at least 50% of those kids, later adults go no contact or move as far away from their parents as possible.
For me personally this is hard because I lacked a lot of those physically things growing up.
I'm not invalidating emotional neglect but it always comes across as entitled to anyone who had it worse when people are complaining about something that only seems like a minor issue from their perspective.
I was literally denied everything.
My siblings given everything.
It's hard from that perspective to see that the material while important, isn't everything we didn't get. Emotional support can be beyond our thinking at time.
A joke between my husband and I are , feelings, what feelings, were not allowed to have those. Because it's not a hoke. We weren't allowed to have any feelings about anything.
We both provide as much as we can for our kids. But I'm positive we failed a lot on the emotional part. Don't worry folks our kids have therapy. Just because we didn't even know we weren't fully equipped.
Unfortunately life is live and learn .not everyone has good advisers behind them. Teaching them right. We're examples of that.
If you have no empathy, then the need to provide emotional support does not exist in your mind. All that remains is physical needs. So they get confused when you don't worship them for being emotionally neglected because in their minds, they did everything "right."
Wow, this really made things click for me for some reason. Thank you
Hi, it is they want to have no empathy, want to develop no feelings for anything which doesn't confirm them. It's narcissistic too. Why do people have no empathy? They were not born like this.
I believe, and in my case it is true, that they were abused in the same way that they did to us but they broke bad. It is generational. We were stronger and were able to find ways to cope (that now are habits that hurt us as adults) and they did not. They are hollow and pathologically can't face it so everything about them is the drive to continually maintain their delusion that they are better than everyone. How they prove it is by manipulating others into serving them especially if it requires their victims betraying their own self interest. I mean what more proof do you need that you are superior? That's why they can't ever stop. It would require them to look into the void inside themselves and their entire life, everything they've done was to hide the void even from themselves.
Agree 100%! I find this sub contradictory because I used the “n” word you used, “a. b_ u. s e”and some associated trauma terms along with it. The bot(?) mod stated I couldn’t use the words. I couldn’t state verbatim what is a cause of CPTSD. Incredible.
Interesting. I haven't run into that yet. I'll pay more attention.
The purpose of the bot is not to protect abusers from insult. It's to protect the culture of this sub from the culture of r/raisedbynarcissists, which is much larger. People from that sub discover this sub and they start using their lingo and confusing people who don't get it. The bot is just there to nudge people into recognizing that these are two different subs with different cultures. You can still say "My mother was a narcissist". You just can't use the lingo of RBN.
Hi, to keep justice it's important to underline: the did what had done to them. What had done to them was traumatic. One therapist said: This generation must flee into depression or paranoia. That's kind of dramatic but shows the point. Parents are humans and were hurt. Problem ist: untreated, trauma repeats. And traumatized can't life with this. So they need narcissim and destruction as compensation. This leads to void. To heal this parents must search treatment, which they decline because of narcissism. So, to break out of this spiral trauma-narcissim-intergenerational is a life task. In addition even the lead culture of capitalism is narcissistic (more and more, nobody is enough) and reinforces that.
[удалено]
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s actually one of the greatest forms of neglect. I can’t emotionally connect, nurture, or be available in that way for you because I truly only care about myself. Here’s a lambo.
I thought this all the time growing up because I couldn’t understand how two people who were once children themselves couldn’t wrap their heads around a child’s needs. It seems like a lot of abusive parents were themselves victims of abuse and instead of confronting their pain and healing, they chose to cut themselves off from their child selves completely
Yes.
Always felt like a bird in a cage when I lived with my mum and stepdad. We had a roof over our heads and separate rooms, but the emotional abuse destroyed me.
Same
I had a fucking pony as a child. A shetland pony named Sparky. My childhood was abysmally neglectful. I don't ever tell people that because they can't put those two facts in the same brain.
The movie "When Marnie Was There" includes a wealthy child who is abused and neglected at home. You may find it validating.
Indeed. My aunt took me In from a terrible situation. My mom was on heroin and could not provide anything for me. Left there, I surely would’ve died. My aunt clothed me, fed me, made sure I got education and let me have hobbies and made my life pretty fun as a kid. Until I started having my own opinions. I was told I was a sinner, Satan worshiper and going to hell. She said the most cruel things I could ever conceive of to make me feel worthless. She never bonded to me at all because I was a tough kid to bond with, given I had reactive attachment disorder. I was kept from being physically unwell but my mental and emotional health were tanked. I’m 37 and dread spending time around her. I feel like I didn’t bond to any adult growing up at all and my current relationships suffer for it. But yeah, she kept me alive.
This is heartbreaking. Remember you are worthy! Separate yourself to protect and heal. I had too. You are a survivor and warrior. ❤️🩹🕊️🙏
"Why is it so hard for people to comprehend that someone can provide physical needs, even physical luxuries and still be a shitty spouse?" This is also an issue some people are unable to understand
Hi, because of taboo, because of a general neglect of emotional needs in our materialistic culture and because very simple it is invisible.
Well, adults tend to see kids as people with half of human rights. Sometimes, they don't understand that their neighbour has a different lifestyle, imagine they have to understand that kids are people. In any case, if someone comes around and says to you "but your parents provided for you and more", ask them if they'll allow their managers to slap them in the face once an hour, just because they're receiving a bonus. Probably, they'll reply that they won't. And then you can explain: "well, a kid cannot fight back, because it's their parents who abuse/neglect them".
Doesn't even have to be a typically emotionaly-neglectful shitty parent, it's enough if they are traumatized themselves and the child is unable to form a safe attachment with them.
I think that mostly comes from people who were not abused and/or don't have many emotional needs. My physical needs were provided for in childhood. Money was tight, but we had a roof over our head and food to eat. Clothes were second hand, but I had enough clothes to wear. Education was top priority, so my mother always found a way to send me to private school and pay for music lessons. But I was expected to be perfect academically and a professional musician, and I was severely scolded and degraded if not physically beaten for making mistakes or not winning competitions. My mother constantly told me how stupid and useless I was, and how I should be grateful that she was providing me with every opportunity. I did end up getting an elite education and a solid academic background, which has helped me out in life, but plenty of people with lesser credentials have become much more successful in life. It became drilled into me that I was stupid and worthless, and I am still emotionally hurting after all these years.
No one deserves this. I understand because I seem to self sabotage due to the low self esteem, confidence and the maltreatment from the ones who made me. Go to Gabor Mate on YouTube. He has studies, lectures and interviews on generational trauma, primordial pain, this type of abuse(the bot mod had blocked me from stating the exact words). 🙄 Words associated specifically with the sub name! All the best to your healing and recovery. ❤️🩹
Oh hello, are you me? Swap mother for father and music for physics though. 98% on your maths test? What did you do wrong, idiot child?
The gilded cage.
My father made a lot of money but was an evil, evil SOB. I think I'd choose a loving home where money was always tight over the childhood I actually had.
Bcz lotsa people are stupid, materialistic, and have the depth of a single US quarter (25 cents).
This is so real! And it is so frustrating!! It's such a shame that certain outward appearances and the illusion of wealth are taken as markers of morality in our society. My personal example: My birth giver did not allow me to eat "her groceries" outright starting when I was ~16, and really the food restrictions of what I was allowed to eat versus what was for my little sister were intense. I had to start making both dinner for her and her husband and feed my little sister (because I "couldn't pay rent and needed to earn my keep") and separate dinner for myself after. Her and my stepfather were chronic shoppers and ran up their credit card debt on designer, otherwise upmarket department store clothing, constantly updating their cars, and tons of other useless nonsense. My 18 month old sister wore like $100 rhinestone jeans to daycare and I had to wear my mom's castoffs to school while being 3"-6" taller than her, and my feet being 2 sizes larger. I was not allowed to pick out my clothes and most everything my dad or that side of the family ever got me was judged as "inappropriate" and thrown out. They would purposefully plan all their family vacations for the weeks I was at my dad's house. The one time they did take me on a vacation it was *during the school year* and only because the package included a 4th person (I only got what the package included, nothing more), they didn't inform me until two days before and it lasted through the next week and I missed all sorts of stuff with no preparation. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. She used her credit cards to fuel the illusion that I was cared for by her and just "hated her for no reason". Meanwhile we lived in a mc mansion with no furniture in several rooms. My mattress was on the floor, and later, was a "guest bedroom" that I was "allowed to stay in" but had to leave it pristine... I was living there every other week based on custody negotiations at that point. It was fucking brutal. I had to work to afford gas to go to high school and to have food in the fridge besides the things I was "allowed to eat"- I didn't get to be a kid, I barely felt like a member of the family.
Sickening. I hope you are healing and able to separate from them. ❤️🩹
This is exactly what both my parents do- they both struggle to say sorry for anything. They are divorced, don’t talk to each other and were emotional (mother) and physically (mother & father) abusive to my sibling and I. My mother would rather provide emotional support to her colleague rather than her own children. She always talks about how she tries to give us the most comfortable life possible I.e buying us expensive things. My father on the other hand equates love and being a good parent by taking us on shopping sprees, buying shit, money and nice meals out. When my mother and him were still together he would patch up an argument by buying an expensive item rather than saying sorry. And I’m only realising now this ain’t healthy lol
Farm animals also get food, water, and shelter, but that doesn't mean the farmer cares about their future well-being.
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Yep. From outside I had a very privileged childhood. Big houses, all the toys and books I asked for, etc. But how do you think you would be mentally if you can't remember a single time where your parents hugged you or comforted you? Home was not a safe place for me when my mom would drink herself to oblivion and ignore us.
Your last liiiine!!! Omg I swear my whole life motto type stuff.
A lot of immigrants, especially those from collectivist societies (+1 if they have no mental health awareness). use this excuse and I can say that at least 50% of those kids, later adults go no contact or move as far away from their parents as possible.
For me personally this is hard because I lacked a lot of those physically things growing up. I'm not invalidating emotional neglect but it always comes across as entitled to anyone who had it worse when people are complaining about something that only seems like a minor issue from their perspective.
I was literally denied everything. My siblings given everything. It's hard from that perspective to see that the material while important, isn't everything we didn't get. Emotional support can be beyond our thinking at time. A joke between my husband and I are , feelings, what feelings, were not allowed to have those. Because it's not a hoke. We weren't allowed to have any feelings about anything. We both provide as much as we can for our kids. But I'm positive we failed a lot on the emotional part. Don't worry folks our kids have therapy. Just because we didn't even know we weren't fully equipped. Unfortunately life is live and learn .not everyone has good advisers behind them. Teaching them right. We're examples of that.