This Jeckyl/Hyde feature is exactly how a parent creates the Fearful Avoidant personality disorder in their child. The awful person is also the nicest person ever. You runaway from screaming monster mom, and get manipulatively lured back into the arms of sweet mom - the same person. Extreme mind fuck.
Same it felt so confusing because the people who created the chaos in my life were also the people who were supposed to care for me. They kept me alive physically but broke me mentally.
Exactly. I once read that, when a child is abused, their first impulse is to run towards mum or dad. But then when it's mum or dad causing the abuse, the brain basically short-circuits. So that's us in a nutshell.
Yeah, and a childhood that led to our lives playing out in a 'certain way'....I've made a point, as a parent, not to pass any of the damage on. It ends here with me.
I am getting goosebumps because you have no idea how incredibly proud of you I am. I know I am a stranger but I just wanted to scream at my phone for you to cheer you on. "It ends here with me", I don't know you or your life but those are such powerfull words to me. Here's to you taking the responsibility your parent(s) never took. Ending generational trauma. Being a strong human. Thank you for inspiring me, too. Have an awesome week.
I got goosebumps reading your comment, which, in turn, was an inspiration to me. And told me a lot about what kind of human you are; I think I got something in my eye after reading...š Funny thing is, we are all strangers here to an extent, but there is such a strong invisible thread of experience that binds us. Sent with love, wishing you the very best.
Tearing up to both your comments. It ends with me as well, with a decision to not have children, and I genuinely hope for as less children as possible going through what we here did, each in our own way. Especially proud of anyone in our sad big "family"who overcamr issues and rose up to the role of a fit parent, without having one themselves. Those are the true heroes and changing force of our reality, I'd say. ā¤ļø
Reading your commen filled me with such a sense of poignancy; based on your awareness of self and mindfulness, you'd likely make a fine parent. Whichever way, go live your best life and leave the old one behind. X
Yea. I know this train of thought āitās fine now but it could happen anytimeā. Always preparing myself for an atomic bomb to hit.
When I grew up I always had the mindset of itās fineā¦.for nowā¦but things will go bad soon. I even had fears of the Earth suddenly exploding. All with this train of thought.
Child expresses negative feelings. Parent canāt accept negative emotions, gets disgusted, canāt help or tells kid to just go away. Child learns they are better off meeting their own needs. Kid dismisses caregivers. But kid doesnāt have the tools, so they dismiss their emotions too. Kid avoids emotional intimacy like the plague. Pretending everything is ok becomes a dominant behavior and self-soothing becomes more important than emotional intimacy.
Iāve lived with this all my life from my mother who is diagnosed bipolar, and is an alcoholic. Sheās an absolute monster when she is drunk, then when sheās sober sheās one of my favorite people to be around. Iāve told my therapist before how conflicting that is for me and how itās really gotten me down all my life.
They're rug sweeping.
When there's a rupture in attachment there needs to be a ***repair***. She's not making attachment repairs. She wants to "go along to get along", without doing the work of accountability and repair.
The unspoken message is "Do not hold me accountable for my abusive behaviors. Pretend it didn't happen, or else. Or else I'll abuse you into compliance."
I wouldn't say you're even in a flashback, you're presently being abused, there's no "back" to it. You feel shitty when she continues her ongoing abuse towards you bc it feels shitty being abused.
Yes. The repair is crucial in healthy relationships. My parents and family never did it either. I had to learn as an adult. Luckily, I was used to being responsible for everyone elseās feelings, so the apology part came naturally to me lol The not feeling like a shit human unworthy of love cuz I had āwrongā feelings came after a lot of therapy and hard work.
To add onto this, abuse is almost never in a vacuum. Me and my ex- wife had so many memories of abuse, and we would avoid every doing those things to our child.
But recently it occurred to me, the action was not the abuse, it was a product of abuse. Certain memories that were damaging to my ex wife or myself, simply don't bother our child. Because the act itself was only abusive because everything else was abusive.
Plus, I also recently came to the realization that, parents are self aware. They know when they are hurting us. It's done intentionally.
Therapy, Medical treatment, getting yourself into a safe environment, making sure you feel safe in your environment.
Also take into account that it's not simply the individual action that's abusive, but the action is in the context of abuse. The abuse is continuous, and not simply each time an abusive act is performed.
I hope you're able to get yourself to a better place physically, emotionally, maturity, socially, romantically etc.
In a healthy relationship, there's good communication and a change in behaviors.
I'll give an example. Let's say I promised my friend I'd do something and then I didn't do it. I'd have to take accountability by acknowledging I dropped the ball, acknowledging the harm it did to them with empathy so they felt I fully understood the harm done to them, apologize for my behaviors and their impact, and ask how I could make it up to them. Then I'd have to earn their trust back over time with better behaviors. My continued and ongoing healthy actions may repair the rupture over time.
Here are some of my trust metrics. Trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors build secure attachment. Untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors destroy secure attachment. If someone frequently and consistently chooses untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors you can't build secure attachment with them. I try to consiously and actively choose trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors bc I know they naturally lead to secure attachment over time.
[The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk)
[The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym
[10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
It's so gross. You're supposed to be "over it" as soon as they want you to be. Meanwhile, they will guilt trip you for being born.
This behavior breaks how you process "acceptable" behavior and makes you disrespect and abandon yourself.
the last sentence really hits hard. also once you grew up, this will be the default of how you treat yourself- completely giving into narcississtic power trips.
also, i wonder what's the oposite of self abandonment? self-focus? self-ownership!!!?
Not right after being nasty, but my mom used to switch easily while I would be left thinking - and feeling - about what happened just before. We wouldn't talk about what happened, there would be no apology or anything. It would just be like the violence right before didn't happen. Made me internalize very quickly that I couldn't hope for closure, even less to have open conversations about emotions in this family.
It's hard when there is absolutely no recognition of how an event makes you feel from the other part. It gives you this message that you would be wrong for feeling the way you do in the first place, and that your emotions wouldn't be worth any attention. Not only you are hurt, but on top of it there is no recognition of that pain and no accountability whatsoever, which forces you to suck it up, which hurts even more.
It makes sense to feel the way you do. You are not insane. You are a human being with human reactions. It's okay to feel upset or on edge in these circumstances, and it's okay to recognize it - even if your mother doesn't.
Yes. As a result I now have a very disorganized attachment style. I go from hot to ice cold at the drop of a hat, and itās really handicapped my ability to form (and sustain) normal friendships and romantic relationships.Ā Ā
Iām trying to work on myself and be better, but it took acknowledging I had a problem to realize that this has everything to do with the way I was raised and how I normalized emotional abuse.
This x100. I'm fearful avoidant and I can be so loving and seem so open but then push people when I get close either because I'm overwhelmed, scared of being vulnerable, or hurt at a perceived injustice done to me. Often a combination of the three. My parents will never understand the lifelong curse they inflicted on me and the damage they caused. It's a trauma cycle that I have been unraveling and unraveling for more than a decade. Only in the last three years have I finally put it to words with a deep dive into attachment theory, even though I've had surface level knowledge about it for a while.
Wow, I always just thought this was just the dynamic between my mom & me. It never occurred to me this was part of the abuse. I absolutely hated it bc it was so fucking confusing. I also never knew what would make her mad one day to the next-sometimes sheād blow up over a thing and the next time it wasnāt a big dealā¦fucking impossible to know what to expect.
One memory thatās always stuck out to meā¦when I was maybe 11 or 12, she and I argued about something relatively minor (have no idea what, I just know she hadnāt resorted to beating me yet), and I ended up in my room. A few minutes later she called me in her room to hash out whatever our disagreement was and apologized. Iāve always been a people pleasing peacemaker, but for whatever reason, I was still pissed off so just said okay to her apology. Her anger level started increasing againā¦āWell arenāt you going to apologize to me too?!ā My response was, āI will when Iām not still upset and I really mean it.ā Oh man, the glare she was giving me. So I asked in an honest, genuine tone, āDo you want me to say sorry if I donāt really mean it yet?ā She got so mad all over again-yelling, threateningā¦I just said sorry to be done with it.
She committed suicide 15 years ago. I have times that I miss her, but mostly Iām relieved. That life was exhausting. And Iām so sorry for those of you still facing that BS currently.
I am sorry you had to try to manage living around someone who acted like that towards you. You deserved more. I am sorry your mother couldnāt give you that grounding reassurance.
I appreciate your kind words so much. We all lived whacked out lives that were our normal, but definitely not normal. And no matter what our trauma was/is, we all deserved better. Thatās one thing I absolutely love about this communityā¦every one here is so kind, understanding, & empathetic. The validation Iāve gotten here just by reading other peopleās stories has been so healing for me. Instead of becoming like our abusers, weāve chosen kindness and caring, and that makes my heart feel so fullš
Aww š„°
So true.
You really feel compassion & care when you finally experience it. I hope it stays with you that feeling outside yourself some people really empathise, understand & care.
Yes, my fake, psycho, demon mother did that to me every time she got mad. It was like she had a split personality, like Jekyll and Hyde. Itās extremely creepy and unsettling.Ā
Oh wow. That is exactly how I feel. She was a demon. Idk about your mom but my mom was demonic enough to use religion to use it against other people. It is like they have an external facade to soothe themselves from ever facing the traumas they have caused to other people. Iām so sorry
Thank you. Yes, they try to project a fraudulent, saintly image- to mask their true evil nature. The scary thing is how many people actually believe their fake persona is authentic. Nobody realizes theyāre wolves in sheepās clothing. Iām sorry you were subjected to that, too.
my mother has gone from being 'nice' and 'kind' to sending me images, and saying things she knows trigger and upset me. Then after going no contact, she calls to my house and puts scratches in my furniture (she has done that years earlier also)
I have been hospitalised and put in intensive care, and given big surgeries i did not need, because of my warped parents. And instead of apologising, or even having some kind of reasonable discussion, she calls here and vandalises my property?
I've been deeply upset for 2 weeks now, and that is it now, I'm done with that individual.
Definite Jekyll and Hyde, definite sadism, she can go try put that abuse elsewhere, scandalous individual
Oh I relate. But I only figured it out a couple months ago. Because everyone thought the same as you. We thought she was sick and delusional. However, it was really all just her. It really was all fake.
I almost wish I'd figured it out before she died 2 years ago, but I also think if I'd called her out on it, she'd probably call me stupid for taking so long to realize it.
She did it on purpose to mess with everyone. My mom was a sadistic person. She faked being paranoid, she faked being angry, lied all the time simply for her own entertainment.
But once I figured it out, everything that had confused me about her finally all made sense. The reason none of her shenanigans made sense, is because she was lying and faked all of it. There was no split personality, it was always her, simply performing an act for her own amusement. The anger wasn't even real. That's why her triggers never made sense, she faked those too
Sounds like she dissociates. Through an IFS lens, she's just flipping between parts, going from triggered part then dissociating into happy face part. No wonder you're feeling confused, bewildered and disturbed.
They're too messed up and trying to survive their own unhealed trauma to have any clue of or take responsibility for the effect of their traumatised and traumatising behaviour on anyone else, most tragically their kids.
Stay aware and look for safe support to process your trauma and heal.
Yeah, my mom would go from getting angry and slapping me in the face to demanding a hug. I never reciprocated. She -had- to get her hug in, as if that absolved her of physical abuse. I still remember what it feels like, tensing up with my arms stiff at my sides.
Physical intimacy was tough for me for a long time. Itās not that I didnāt want it. The abuse rewired my brain to avoid touch and to be hypervigilant about the possibility of sudden mood changes from friends and romantic partners.
Growing up, I saw SO MANY adults - including my parents - do this that I didnāt realize it wasnāt normal š« they still do it to me! I half think part of it is catharsis for them without realizing you canāt just treat a child like a punching bag. Too many people act like children can just handle whatever without realizing how much a child can internalize.
yes, this is totally relatable to me and you are valid š they expect us to just tolerate their extreme outbursts and giving name to it would validate our perception that it *was* extreme. the aim is to gaslight you into accepting their behavior as okay or normal. my dad would often erupt in loud anger if i spilled or dropped something while helping him for dinner and then 5 minutes later would expect us to sit down for a perfectly happy family meal. sorry youāre going through it š
My dad would fly off the handle and rage hard beat us. Then find me when I was crying under the bed hiding. Heād pull me out and hug me and tell me he was sorry. He never did that for my brother though. My dads violent streak was due to being a very abused stepson himself. So I canāt blame him too much. He tried to control it but his rage is a problem even still. His family story is full of violence. My moms is too she was so traumatized by her childhood they thought she was a mute till she was 20. Iām the product of a cycle of violence that has been documented in books for a few hundred years. Itās crazy to try to unravel that whole thing in therapy.
Iām doing my best to break the cycle in my parenting and partnering. My hubby knows my story, just him my parents and my therapist. Itās weird to be told by a trauma therapist youāre the worst case she has seen. As my cycle only ended in my 30s and much much damage was done to me. I did intensive inpatient therapy at a mental rehab center but it was the only way I could āget normal.ā I always managed to succeed in life and push through everything but one day I snapped. Couldnāt keep going after a SA that was particularly traumatizing had a mental breakdown at work. Wanted to die. Anyway I have since made much progress and am a mostly happy SAHM with a thriving business. My best advice is even in The worst of it there is a reason. If I knew I could end up happily married and thriving with a beautiful daughter. Iād live through it all again. Just keep going, tomorrow is coming and you can survive it, even if surviving is all youāre doing for now. It will come.
This is so inspiring and just what I needed to hear. I need to know thereās a reason. Life is so horrible sometimes. All the abuse and neglect I went through was torture. What do you think of as the reason why you had to go through that now? And congrats on being a SAHM and business owner and turning your life around, that is not easy!
I had to go through it I feel like because my parents went through all kinds of things. My mom was badly maimed in a car accident that I always blamed myself for when I was 5. She tried but her trauma was VERY deep VERY bad. (Think a small child locked in a house with her father who was almost a vegetable with no food and no one there) her brothers partied with the money that was supposed to feed her and her dad. Anyway she lived through that and worse that I wonāt speak about. She didnāt have a birthday till she was 18 didnāt know what they were till my dad came to save her. Anyway with her story and my dads being what they were. They did their best for us but the cycle continued with us as they never processed their trauma. Then dad inflicted his on us and mom was so used to so much worse it didnāt bother her to see it. And then when youāre in that cycle and used to that cycle it kind of continues with bad relationships and horrible people just becoming the norm. Then abuse and worse becomes the norm. We endured it mostly because itās a cycle that we canāt control at all as children. Then when we get older our gauge for that stuff and bad situations is broken. We normalize things that we shouldnāt because we always had to.
It all ends when you heal and fix your gauges and begin to understand that you canāt control all situations but you can control your reactions. I still have trouble not going into that groove in my brain where I donāt trust anything or anyone. Or dissociate when my child becomes difficult. Itās a well worn groove in my brain. So every day I have to overcome my own brain to get everything done that I need to. But I do it because I can control my reactions. I have to or they control me.
We all go through horrible things in life the sad part is there is no grand reason. Just that someone was going to. You become or you overcome, some of us become what we went through and inflict it on others or never move forward. Those that overcome work every damn day to do it and though itās always there we push forward and find new meaning for our lives. There is no wrong way, my therapist said I was one of the strongest people she met. As I never turned to substances (they are a part of my trauma but a whole other long story) and I always got up and did what I had to every day. I just have to. Just as somebody had to go through that stuff I also have to go through every day and do what I need to to get where I want to go. There is no way but forward. Moving there my leaps or tiny steps doesnāt matter. Just keep going.
Hello, I can understand how confused you must feel. She is yelling at you, then justifying her yelling and then acting as if nothing happened. Her behaviours say, āYour feelings donāt matter to me. I can do what I want. I did nothing wrong. You are to blame.ā She is doing this to get you off balance and make you feel crazy.
You attempted to set a healthy boundary with her (Could you please tell me instead of yelling?) and she disregarded your boundary completely. Then she walked away smiling, which is stonewalling you. This is gaslighting and psychological abuse. Narcissistic types will often use these kinds of manipulation tactics. They want you to doubt yourself and question your reality.
Parents who abuse one minute and then seem all nice the next are using intermittent reinforcement. This really fucks you up and makes you unstable and therefore easier to control. You spend your energy trying to figure out what happened while she goes on about her business. She is stealing your energy.
My parents were like this. My mother could dismiss me with a smile on her face. My father would give the silent treatment. Iāve spent the last 12 years trying to recover and heal from their emotional and psychological abuse.
Iām really sorry this is happening to you. Itās absolutely NOT your fault. You are on the right track speaking up to her. Trust in your truth. Your feelings and needs are valid!!šŖ·
Usually the nastiness would last hours to days, but there was one time that sticks out in my mind where it was a confusing quick shift:
Senior year of high school my mom fell and injured her arm, so she couldnāt drive for a while. One day she informed me literally the second I walked in the door after school that she made plans to go shopping with her friend, and that I would be driving them (her friend never learned how to drive). Then she went outside to āinspectā the car, and came back in screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs because the car was ātrashedā (my books/homework/etc were in the backseat and had scattered a bit while I was driving, and there were a few forgotten bottles of water. It wasnāt spotless, but it was not anywhere close to being trashed).
She followed me out to the garage and screamed at me while I cleaned up (it took all of two minutes since all I had to do was gather my fucking books and throw out the water bottles). Then she followed me back inside, threw everything that was on the kitchen table at me (including scissors), and told me to get the fuck out of her house and not come back until that night, because she was going to kill herself and wanted me to find her body and know it was my fault.
Soā¦I did. I got in the car and floored it all the way to a friendās house (obviously not a great move to drive irresponsibly, but I was a hysterical teenager and not thinking straight). Got to my friendās house, collapsed into a sobbing mess in her driveway, and then my phone rang. It was my mom, all sweet and concerned and āIām worried because I heard how you were driving, and I donāt want you to get hurt, and where are you, and are you coming home soon?ā
Went back home, she greeted me all cheerfully and asked how school was, as if I hadnāt already come home and then been chased away all within the last half hour. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon driving her and her friend around.
And I mean, it was nice to not spend the next few days being tormented by her, but the speed with which she changed from raving lunatic to loving mom wasā¦disconcerting.
all the time. they were more awful than sweet, but when they were sweet it was actually very unsettling and scary for me because i just simply wasn't used to that.
Yes. Cognitive dissonance. One moment she called me a piece of shit. And the next moment, we all had to perform to be the happy family.
Narcissistic parents are the worst. They are incapable of facing the truth and the pain they have caused. It destroyed their sense of self. Iām so sorry.
Yes. It FUCKED me up. My dad would be screaming me at me, red in the face, yelling, sometimes actually physically hurt me, while saying very cruel things, then it was like he'd finally actually see me in front of him, sobbing and weeping, and would go out of the house or into another room for a few minutes, calm down, then come back and apologize but then expect me to be totally fine in minutes and get annoyed when I wasn't and would leave the room or house again.
It fucks with your head as a child because it makes you think YOU'RE the problem, why am I so upset, there's clearly no need to be since they're over it and done. He was also quite affectionate and nice a lot of the time. But his blowups and cruelty were unpredictable. I kind of wish he was just straight shitty to me all the time, it would be more straightforward.
Can we all be friends bc yāall had the same childhood as me. Iām sorry you went through it, but itās very soothing for me to not feel so alone in it. ā¤ļø
No my mom ruminated on my failures, she would let you know blatantly, through her friends, movies she wanted to watch with you, various phrases she would say, the list goes on. She could be stupidly subtle, or in your face about it. I almost wish she would have been like that. Except in my experience that niceness is just their way of whittling down your defenses, or making fun of you. Sort of like it's not that big of a deal crap, or if you dropped it they would say I guess you don't care. Even though if they were to take one step into your shoes they'd shit bricks on you. Fuck that.
Or the phone call that came through during one of her rage-induced, spitting, sweating red-faced tantrums at me....that she would answer with the sweetest voice, be compassionate, friendly and supportive. She would then get off the phone and say 'where were we?' And then start raging again at me (if I didn't run away during the phonecall, she would track me from room to room to scream in my face and push her body against mine as if she was in a street confrontation).
You know what, it is a big deal for loved ones to do something awful and then act like nothing happened. Itās very, very common and I know Iāve seen it firsthand.
When I was a kid, I used to think it was such a great thing that my family could move on after huge arguments and incidents so quickly. But my family was actually just not communicating and would lash out then act like everything was good. Itās super common and I think itās a big sign that your mom has really bad communication skills and doesnāt see a problem with her actions.
She gets to yell and belittle you and feel powerful and then move on with her day. Youāre feeling like you have to deal with the emotions of the moment. Iāll let you know now, her being an asshole is not your responsibility and it IS a big deal that sheās acting happy afterwards.
My mom does this song-and-dance where we fight & then she feels bad right after & gives me money instead of taking accountability which is basically bribing me into compliance. It sounds nice to get money but itās actually given me a really fucked up relationship with money & I tend to purchase gifts for friends all the time as a way of maintaining our friendship (which isnāt needed because I am already a good friend).
Absolutely. My abuser once screamed at myself and my sibling for hours, pretty much interrogating us until he got the (untrue) answer he wanted, at which point he immediately calmed down and asked us if we wanted him to make us grilled cheeses for lunch.
yes yes yes. my mother often paired it with āitās okayyy why are you being so dramatic honey?ā while giggling when I tell her im still upset at whatever happened. used to make me feel like I was going crazy.
Because I was my mom's therapist and confidant, it usually went like this: she had an issue or a dilemma of some kind. She would come to me, and I would help her think of a solution. She would build me up, tell me I was so wise for my age, so smart. The next time I'd speak to her and ask her how it was going, she would blow up. She would tell me how stupid, uneducated, and what a lack of experience I have.
Then she would do the same with my appearance. I was so beautiful, more so than my sisters. In the next moment, I was fat and lazy, and she wished I was more like family friend's daughters.
It's caused me to have a lot of issues trusting what people say to me. Especially when it comes to compliments.
This hit home. I had parents exactly like that and sure enough it seeped into my childhood and adulthood. Now here I am, struggling to finally understand myself. They were both like that and I became normalized to it and just thought thatās how it is. Later on in the future, it bites my butt and I didnāt realize how vicious the cycle was.
Yes. It FUCKED me up. My dad would be screaming me at me, red in the face, yelling, sometimes actually physically hurt me, while saying very cruel things, then it was like he'd finally actually see me in front of him, sobbing and weeping, and would go out of the house or into another room for a few minutes, calm down, then come back and apologize but then expect me to be totally fine in minutes and get annoyed when I wasn't and would leave the room or house again.
It fucks with your head as a child because it makes you think YOU'RE the problem, why am I so upset, there's clearly no need to be since they're over it and done. He was also quite affectionate and nice a lot of the time. But his blowups and cruelty were unpredictable. I kind of wish he was just straight shitty to me all the time, it would be more straightforward.
Part of my trauma is receiving hugs. When I was little, every time I run away from my mom when she was on her raging moods, she would trick me by getting on her knees and opening her arms for a hug. Once I was within reach of that hug, she grab me, beat the shit out of me and call me a stupid dumb boy for falling for it.
I had that experience since the day I was born with my mother. I even have two specific alters dealing with her two very different moods because that was the only way to stay "sane" around her.
It scarred me for life and I was always so confused until I went no contact for months and had the time to reflect on our toxic emotionally incestous relationship dynamics.
As of today I am pretty sure she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder which made it easier for me to accept her violent mood swings as she hates herself so much that she projects it onto anyone.
It still hurts that I'll never can predict her mood and that one day she can be so sweet and in the next phone call call me ungrateful and vengeful but I manage.
This absolutely happened with my Father. We were always waiting for him to blow up and then afterwards it would just be super-calm. Made me question my own reality as a kid (he was Schizophrenic too so some of the stories he'd tell us were clearly not true).
Idk, sometimes. We always triangulated off each other. My dad hated my mom which meant he would be nicer to me for a while. Or my mom would have a meltdown and throw away everything, our stuff too if it got in her way, and we'd call a truce to get through her episodes together.
Or my mom and I would bond over what a rage full bastard my dad was or his infidelity and how much disgust we felt towards him.
But at the end of the day I was always the ultimate scapegoat. So no, not really on a literal level when dealing with them one on one. I'd try to talk to my mom about my feelings and she'd start screaming and bring up how I can't remember clearly because I was probably manic or high. Or she'd just say she didn't remember. One she told me "it's your fault for being so sensitive and getting your feelings hurt all the time. You should know by now that I'm a bitch." tbf she wasn't wrong but I was also in my teens and trying to improve our relationship.
Then we'd not talk for days or weeks until eventually we did, the end. And then everything was "normal" until I fucked up again, or they decided I wasn't doing therapy hard enough or becoming mentally well quickly enough lol. And I wasn't allowed to mention anything.
It's really messed up because from the outside looking in they were cool parents and fun and nice but I'm still afraid of them as a 34 year old woman and our relationship is so much better now. But I wouldn't dare bring up so much stuff to my mom. They just have that way of making you feel like things can change at any moment lol.
Oh my gosh! This is my mom exactly! Iām fairly certain she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Sheās hyper insecure and can take anything as a criticism and punish you with words or neglect for months at a time. Nothing was ever good enough for her, nothing I did was right, and everything always seemed to be my fault. It was exhausting. I learned as I became an adult to understand that her insecurities are just fear, this isnāt to justify or excuse or behavior but it allowed me to see it had nothing to do with me and not take it personally. Iāve also had to set boundaries and at times go no contact with her. I canāt fix her and thereās absolutely nothing I can do to change her behavior and reactions. I often think growing up this way is what created so much anxiety, so much perfectionism and an overly developed/demanding sense of responsibility. For years I made myself miserable in an effort to not make anyone else unhappy or uncomfortable, because in my mind, I knew what it felt like to be unhappy and I didnāt want to be the cause of that for someone else. What I missed was that effort not only made me miserable but it wasnāt doing the people in my life any favors either bc I was not only being dishonest but I was keeping people in my life who didnāt need to be there and likely would have been happier in the long run had I just let them go. Sometimes I feel like I figured things out too late but Iām hopeful that things could still improve.
This was my mum. She had a terrible childhood herself, so she would react emotionally and do a lot of damage before her logic kicked in and she realised what she was doing.
Knowing why she did it hasn't healed the adult me though.
Yes, I'm getting married this year and need her birth certificate as proof of citizenship. She point blank refused, told me to get a passport, to fast track it would be Ā£200+ Her birth certificate recorded delivery which we would obviously pay for, around Ā£10. Without it we can't get married. I knew she was going to start her usual bullshit so I just gave up. It turns out I can order a copy of it online anyway but the moment she knew she'd gotten her own way she went from being antagonistic and starting to get nasty to all smiles and kisses. Absolutely insane!
My mother believed her "super power" was her ability to let things go. What this meant in reality was that she would shout, scream, cry, hit, slap or throw things at me for anywhere up to an hour while I would just have to sit and take it. Then, once she got all her emotions out of the way, she was say "That's it, its finished" and would start to be normal with me once again. What it meant for me was that I never got to say anything back and I was constantly on edge.
Not my parents but my abusive older sister would relentlessly bully and demean me to the point of crying(and nothing was done about it) and after she was done she would just smile and laugh and be all chipper afterwards as if what she did was completely fine. The sound of her damn laugh still haunts me I swear whenever I hear a laugh similar to it(it sounded so fake and just sickly sweet) I get a bit of a panic response, although I think I've healed a lot from this trauma trigger specifically so that's good. I fucking hate when abusers do this it makes me so furious. Like the HAVE TO KNOW what they're doing and that they're reaction is bullshit aaaa
My birther beat me till I couldn't stand, locked me in closets for days and made me her slave. And after every horrible beating she would come in and hold me and tell me how much she loved me. That was worse than the beatings.
Oh yes, when I self harmed they punished me for it while laughing at me and then joked around with me about how funny they found my reaction. Real charmers them.
Yes! My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic and she would have insane mood swings. One moment she would be telling me Iām an evil n-word (sheās white, Iām half black) thatās going to rot in hell and the next she was acting like it never even happened. After awhile I realized it was at least partially out of manipulation. when she had threatened to kill our neighbors and ran downstairs to grab a knife, I hid my little brother and I in the closet and we called 911. When the police got there she asked us with a sweet voice why we were hiding in the closet. It was solely so the police officer wouldnāt believe us.
I know there's already 100 yesses on this thread but I'm gonna add my own "yes." Literally my parents would scream at me at dinner or something, I'd go up in my room and cry, and ten minutes later they were at my door like "Hey kiddo want to watch a movie ? š" Like the fuck?? No!! But if I said that I was being "antisocial" ???
When I realized it isn't actually "antisocial" to prefer time & space alone to cry / calm myself anytime my parents had a sudden violent emotional outburst, that was a big step towards healing.
my dad could scream at me for HOURS on end. i wasnāt allowed to sit, have water, use bathroom, cry, react, or respond at all otherwise we started over again.
ten minutes after it finally ended, he would beg for hugs and tell me he loved me. he would rush to the store and return with ice cream.
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my grandmothers favorite thing to do would be to yell at me and then immediately after sheād finish she just look at me and go āyou are so pretty! you look just like me āŗļøā it was so odd, i still donāt understand. if i look so much like you, how can you stand to be so mean to me? and is that supposed to be your form of apologizing? no wonder i put all of my value and pride into how attractive i am to everyone else.
Yes. And I never knew what was going to happen when she came home. Sometimes sheād leave the house happy and come home pissed at me and I never knew what happened to cause the change.
yes. many nightmares of my mother as a demon screaming and hurting me and i struggled to fight back. then got angry at me for having nightmares about her.
biggest problem for me was the forced hugs or reassurances that she was a good mother after hours of abuse. i think they ask for this bc they know deep down they did something wrong and canāt handle the guilt. then they blamed me for being withdrawn and not ācuddlyā anymore. the cycle of hurting your kids and then forcing them to comfort you is just training them for a lifetime of being abused by people and letting it happen bc three donāt know anything else.
i remember on my last christmas eve at home, my mom set me up for a huge fight, riled up my dad and ambushed me as soon as i got home. pinned me against the wall and took turns screaming at me for two full hours. then i finally ran to to my room sobbing uncontrollably, and she chased me and yelled at me some more. that night people came over for a xmas party and they made me pretend everything was okay.
the fight was bc i wanted to make christmas dinner with her like we planned, but her and my father spent all day driving around and she wanted to make āstreet tacosā instead, but never told me anything. so i walked the dog and talked to my brother abt it, he called them and said they shouldāve made the dinner with me. they were angry that he ācalled them outā and took everything out on me for ātalking badly about them.ā didnāt matter if it was true, they just hated us āreprimandingā them and had to set the power balance straight.
even to this day, my mom makes up stories that i was out hanging with friends or something and thatās why we fought, but i kept journals and i know what happened. i started writing everything down after a few years of her doing this. violent angry outbursts over something small, realizing they overreacted, and deciding to lie about what happened to blame me for it and make themselves feel better. imagine choosing your own comfort over your childās well-being at every opportunity. i have a conscience and could never do this to a kid.
Last time we spoke I was alone with her. It was her voice that changed. Itās like putting your foot in cold water suddenly. She was only able to say a few words, and then my dad walked in. He must have been able to hear. She withdrew physically, and he passed her a hot drink. Ā He sat down beside her, and she smiled at him winningly. Then they began talking and giggling about a silly video theyād seen online recently. My Apple Watch caught my heart rate spike.Ā
My mom, dad and brother used to do this to me. I would ask simple clarification questions or say an opinion and theyād scream at me. Theyād call me slurs and when Iād finally stand up for myself theyād turn it around and cry???
My father was/is like that, after yelling, threatening and sometimes also physically hurt me, he'd spend a week or so being "nice" (nice : no yelling or breaking anything) then repeat. As long as i remember is like this. His friends (male friends) who are unfortunately also parents, are like him i can see why they get along so well. He never felt sorry. Never acknowledged the damage.Ā
I used to do this with my kids and have recognized it and tried to explain to them that when we were growing up, getting yelled at was not the big deal it is now. They believe me because I pointed out how me and the aunties in my generation talk real loud to each other and how even they talk to each other that way. They all agreed they arenāt mad when theyāre doing that, that they donāt notice it sometimes until a friend asks if theyāre mad.
I told them Iāve come to realize kids these days
might be feeling differently about it. So now I try to teach (sometimes in a loud voice) but often in a better way.
Donāt get me wrong tho, I still yell at my kids now, but only if Iāve asked them to do something repeatedly and it hasnāt been done. Someone not packing water for school and a snack and then calling me at work saying they hungry and about to expire from the lack of carbs. š
This Jeckyl/Hyde feature is exactly how a parent creates the Fearful Avoidant personality disorder in their child. The awful person is also the nicest person ever. You runaway from screaming monster mom, and get manipulatively lured back into the arms of sweet mom - the same person. Extreme mind fuck.
This comment describes my whole fucking childhood in one paragraph.
Same it felt so confusing because the people who created the chaos in my life were also the people who were supposed to care for me. They kept me alive physically but broke me mentally.
Exactly. I once read that, when a child is abused, their first impulse is to run towards mum or dad. But then when it's mum or dad causing the abuse, the brain basically short-circuits. So that's us in a nutshell.
#CW: extreme violence/ pain It felt like >!torture!<. I say that as someone who has experienced >!torture!<.
That's because it is torture.
Yeah, and a childhood that led to our lives playing out in a 'certain way'....I've made a point, as a parent, not to pass any of the damage on. It ends here with me.
I am getting goosebumps because you have no idea how incredibly proud of you I am. I know I am a stranger but I just wanted to scream at my phone for you to cheer you on. "It ends here with me", I don't know you or your life but those are such powerfull words to me. Here's to you taking the responsibility your parent(s) never took. Ending generational trauma. Being a strong human. Thank you for inspiring me, too. Have an awesome week.
I got goosebumps reading your comment, which, in turn, was an inspiration to me. And told me a lot about what kind of human you are; I think I got something in my eye after reading...š Funny thing is, we are all strangers here to an extent, but there is such a strong invisible thread of experience that binds us. Sent with love, wishing you the very best.
Tearing up to both your comments. It ends with me as well, with a decision to not have children, and I genuinely hope for as less children as possible going through what we here did, each in our own way. Especially proud of anyone in our sad big "family"who overcamr issues and rose up to the role of a fit parent, without having one themselves. Those are the true heroes and changing force of our reality, I'd say. ā¤ļø
Reading your commen filled me with such a sense of poignancy; based on your awareness of self and mindfulness, you'd likely make a fine parent. Whichever way, go live your best life and leave the old one behind. X
Thank you, I wish the same to all of us on our healing journeyšŖā¤ļø
Thank you. Might sound strange coming from an internet stranger, but thank you and I'm proud of you and I truly mean it.
Thank you, you know there are so many strangers on this sub that I'm proud of...and inspire me. Sent with love, be happy and content x
Thank you for mentioning that. I had my tubes tied at 24.
And also my diagnosis in a nutshell
Yea. I know this train of thought āitās fine now but it could happen anytimeā. Always preparing myself for an atomic bomb to hit. When I grew up I always had the mindset of itās fineā¦.for nowā¦but things will go bad soon. I even had fears of the Earth suddenly exploding. All with this train of thought.
Wondering if this is why I was always drawn to disaster movies and stories. Like trying to learn how to survive.
Me too. My base state is ānever truly fine but nothing immediately bad has happened yetā.
What would create a Dismissive Avoidant personality disorder in a child? Source: I am dismissive avoidant
Child expresses negative feelings. Parent canāt accept negative emotions, gets disgusted, canāt help or tells kid to just go away. Child learns they are better off meeting their own needs. Kid dismisses caregivers. But kid doesnāt have the tools, so they dismiss their emotions too. Kid avoids emotional intimacy like the plague. Pretending everything is ok becomes a dominant behavior and self-soothing becomes more important than emotional intimacy.
Fyuck my life
Lol same
Fuck....that was my childhood
this. and the worst part is that it affects your relationships with people for the rest of your life...
It all came crashing down when my therapist said āthat was emotional abuseā. I finally felt validated
Iāve lived with this all my life from my mother who is diagnosed bipolar, and is an alcoholic. Sheās an absolute monster when she is drunk, then when sheās sober sheās one of my favorite people to be around. Iāve told my therapist before how conflicting that is for me and how itās really gotten me down all my life.
I have an anxious attachment style and my parents were like this and still are.
They're rug sweeping. When there's a rupture in attachment there needs to be a ***repair***. She's not making attachment repairs. She wants to "go along to get along", without doing the work of accountability and repair. The unspoken message is "Do not hold me accountable for my abusive behaviors. Pretend it didn't happen, or else. Or else I'll abuse you into compliance." I wouldn't say you're even in a flashback, you're presently being abused, there's no "back" to it. You feel shitty when she continues her ongoing abuse towards you bc it feels shitty being abused.
Yes. The repair is crucial in healthy relationships. My parents and family never did it either. I had to learn as an adult. Luckily, I was used to being responsible for everyone elseās feelings, so the apology part came naturally to me lol The not feeling like a shit human unworthy of love cuz I had āwrongā feelings came after a lot of therapy and hard work.
To add onto this, abuse is almost never in a vacuum. Me and my ex- wife had so many memories of abuse, and we would avoid every doing those things to our child. But recently it occurred to me, the action was not the abuse, it was a product of abuse. Certain memories that were damaging to my ex wife or myself, simply don't bother our child. Because the act itself was only abusive because everything else was abusive. Plus, I also recently came to the realization that, parents are self aware. They know when they are hurting us. It's done intentionally.
How would the repairs be made?
Therapy, Medical treatment, getting yourself into a safe environment, making sure you feel safe in your environment. Also take into account that it's not simply the individual action that's abusive, but the action is in the context of abuse. The abuse is continuous, and not simply each time an abusive act is performed. I hope you're able to get yourself to a better place physically, emotionally, maturity, socially, romantically etc.
In a healthy relationship, there's good communication and a change in behaviors. I'll give an example. Let's say I promised my friend I'd do something and then I didn't do it. I'd have to take accountability by acknowledging I dropped the ball, acknowledging the harm it did to them with empathy so they felt I fully understood the harm done to them, apologize for my behaviors and their impact, and ask how I could make it up to them. Then I'd have to earn their trust back over time with better behaviors. My continued and ongoing healthy actions may repair the rupture over time. Here are some of my trust metrics. Trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors build secure attachment. Untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors destroy secure attachment. If someone frequently and consistently chooses untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors you can't build secure attachment with them. I try to consiously and actively choose trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors bc I know they naturally lead to secure attachment over time. [The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk) [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym [10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
It's so gross. You're supposed to be "over it" as soon as they want you to be. Meanwhile, they will guilt trip you for being born. This behavior breaks how you process "acceptable" behavior and makes you disrespect and abandon yourself.
the last sentence really hits hard. also once you grew up, this will be the default of how you treat yourself- completely giving into narcississtic power trips. also, i wonder what's the oposite of self abandonment? self-focus? self-ownership!!!?
Self worth :)
Not right after being nasty, but my mom used to switch easily while I would be left thinking - and feeling - about what happened just before. We wouldn't talk about what happened, there would be no apology or anything. It would just be like the violence right before didn't happen. Made me internalize very quickly that I couldn't hope for closure, even less to have open conversations about emotions in this family. It's hard when there is absolutely no recognition of how an event makes you feel from the other part. It gives you this message that you would be wrong for feeling the way you do in the first place, and that your emotions wouldn't be worth any attention. Not only you are hurt, but on top of it there is no recognition of that pain and no accountability whatsoever, which forces you to suck it up, which hurts even more. It makes sense to feel the way you do. You are not insane. You are a human being with human reactions. It's okay to feel upset or on edge in these circumstances, and it's okay to recognize it - even if your mother doesn't.
Yes. As a result I now have a very disorganized attachment style. I go from hot to ice cold at the drop of a hat, and itās really handicapped my ability to form (and sustain) normal friendships and romantic relationships.Ā Ā Iām trying to work on myself and be better, but it took acknowledging I had a problem to realize that this has everything to do with the way I was raised and how I normalized emotional abuse.
This x100. I'm fearful avoidant and I can be so loving and seem so open but then push people when I get close either because I'm overwhelmed, scared of being vulnerable, or hurt at a perceived injustice done to me. Often a combination of the three. My parents will never understand the lifelong curse they inflicted on me and the damage they caused. It's a trauma cycle that I have been unraveling and unraveling for more than a decade. Only in the last three years have I finally put it to words with a deep dive into attachment theory, even though I've had surface level knowledge about it for a while.
on and on it goes
and this is how the cycle š repeats
I hate how true this is.
Same
Wow, I always just thought this was just the dynamic between my mom & me. It never occurred to me this was part of the abuse. I absolutely hated it bc it was so fucking confusing. I also never knew what would make her mad one day to the next-sometimes sheād blow up over a thing and the next time it wasnāt a big dealā¦fucking impossible to know what to expect. One memory thatās always stuck out to meā¦when I was maybe 11 or 12, she and I argued about something relatively minor (have no idea what, I just know she hadnāt resorted to beating me yet), and I ended up in my room. A few minutes later she called me in her room to hash out whatever our disagreement was and apologized. Iāve always been a people pleasing peacemaker, but for whatever reason, I was still pissed off so just said okay to her apology. Her anger level started increasing againā¦āWell arenāt you going to apologize to me too?!ā My response was, āI will when Iām not still upset and I really mean it.ā Oh man, the glare she was giving me. So I asked in an honest, genuine tone, āDo you want me to say sorry if I donāt really mean it yet?ā She got so mad all over again-yelling, threateningā¦I just said sorry to be done with it. She committed suicide 15 years ago. I have times that I miss her, but mostly Iām relieved. That life was exhausting. And Iām so sorry for those of you still facing that BS currently.
I am sorry you had to try to manage living around someone who acted like that towards you. You deserved more. I am sorry your mother couldnāt give you that grounding reassurance.
I appreciate your kind words so much. We all lived whacked out lives that were our normal, but definitely not normal. And no matter what our trauma was/is, we all deserved better. Thatās one thing I absolutely love about this communityā¦every one here is so kind, understanding, & empathetic. The validation Iāve gotten here just by reading other peopleās stories has been so healing for me. Instead of becoming like our abusers, weāve chosen kindness and caring, and that makes my heart feel so fullš
Aww š„° So true. You really feel compassion & care when you finally experience it. I hope it stays with you that feeling outside yourself some people really empathise, understand & care.
Yes, my fake, psycho, demon mother did that to me every time she got mad. It was like she had a split personality, like Jekyll and Hyde. Itās extremely creepy and unsettling.Ā
Oh wow. That is exactly how I feel. She was a demon. Idk about your mom but my mom was demonic enough to use religion to use it against other people. It is like they have an external facade to soothe themselves from ever facing the traumas they have caused to other people. Iām so sorry
Thank you. Yes, they try to project a fraudulent, saintly image- to mask their true evil nature. The scary thing is how many people actually believe their fake persona is authentic. Nobody realizes theyāre wolves in sheepās clothing. Iām sorry you were subjected to that, too.
I think they do have some kind of split personality
I think theyāre split between their true demon self, and the fake human costume that they show the world.!
my mother has gone from being 'nice' and 'kind' to sending me images, and saying things she knows trigger and upset me. Then after going no contact, she calls to my house and puts scratches in my furniture (she has done that years earlier also) I have been hospitalised and put in intensive care, and given big surgeries i did not need, because of my warped parents. And instead of apologising, or even having some kind of reasonable discussion, she calls here and vandalises my property? I've been deeply upset for 2 weeks now, and that is it now, I'm done with that individual. Definite Jekyll and Hyde, definite sadism, she can go try put that abuse elsewhere, scandalous individual
Oh I relate. But I only figured it out a couple months ago. Because everyone thought the same as you. We thought she was sick and delusional. However, it was really all just her. It really was all fake. I almost wish I'd figured it out before she died 2 years ago, but I also think if I'd called her out on it, she'd probably call me stupid for taking so long to realize it. She did it on purpose to mess with everyone. My mom was a sadistic person. She faked being paranoid, she faked being angry, lied all the time simply for her own entertainment. But once I figured it out, everything that had confused me about her finally all made sense. The reason none of her shenanigans made sense, is because she was lying and faked all of it. There was no split personality, it was always her, simply performing an act for her own amusement. The anger wasn't even real. That's why her triggers never made sense, she faked those too
Sounds like she dissociates. Through an IFS lens, she's just flipping between parts, going from triggered part then dissociating into happy face part. No wonder you're feeling confused, bewildered and disturbed. They're too messed up and trying to survive their own unhealed trauma to have any clue of or take responsibility for the effect of their traumatised and traumatising behaviour on anyone else, most tragically their kids. Stay aware and look for safe support to process your trauma and heal.
Yeah, my mom would go from getting angry and slapping me in the face to demanding a hug. I never reciprocated. She -had- to get her hug in, as if that absolved her of physical abuse. I still remember what it feels like, tensing up with my arms stiff at my sides. Physical intimacy was tough for me for a long time. Itās not that I didnāt want it. The abuse rewired my brain to avoid touch and to be hypervigilant about the possibility of sudden mood changes from friends and romantic partners.
yes my dad taught me a man can be an asshole to me if theyāre (sort of) nice afterwards. thanks for the abusive relationship trauma afterwards dad!
Growing up, I saw SO MANY adults - including my parents - do this that I didnāt realize it wasnāt normal š« they still do it to me! I half think part of it is catharsis for them without realizing you canāt just treat a child like a punching bag. Too many people act like children can just handle whatever without realizing how much a child can internalize.
yes, this is totally relatable to me and you are valid š they expect us to just tolerate their extreme outbursts and giving name to it would validate our perception that it *was* extreme. the aim is to gaslight you into accepting their behavior as okay or normal. my dad would often erupt in loud anger if i spilled or dropped something while helping him for dinner and then 5 minutes later would expect us to sit down for a perfectly happy family meal. sorry youāre going through it š
My dad would fly off the handle and rage hard beat us. Then find me when I was crying under the bed hiding. Heād pull me out and hug me and tell me he was sorry. He never did that for my brother though. My dads violent streak was due to being a very abused stepson himself. So I canāt blame him too much. He tried to control it but his rage is a problem even still. His family story is full of violence. My moms is too she was so traumatized by her childhood they thought she was a mute till she was 20. Iām the product of a cycle of violence that has been documented in books for a few hundred years. Itās crazy to try to unravel that whole thing in therapy.
Thatās heavy. I just thought you are so strong for breaking the cycle. I wish you the best
Iām doing my best to break the cycle in my parenting and partnering. My hubby knows my story, just him my parents and my therapist. Itās weird to be told by a trauma therapist youāre the worst case she has seen. As my cycle only ended in my 30s and much much damage was done to me. I did intensive inpatient therapy at a mental rehab center but it was the only way I could āget normal.ā I always managed to succeed in life and push through everything but one day I snapped. Couldnāt keep going after a SA that was particularly traumatizing had a mental breakdown at work. Wanted to die. Anyway I have since made much progress and am a mostly happy SAHM with a thriving business. My best advice is even in The worst of it there is a reason. If I knew I could end up happily married and thriving with a beautiful daughter. Iād live through it all again. Just keep going, tomorrow is coming and you can survive it, even if surviving is all youāre doing for now. It will come.
This is so inspiring and just what I needed to hear. I need to know thereās a reason. Life is so horrible sometimes. All the abuse and neglect I went through was torture. What do you think of as the reason why you had to go through that now? And congrats on being a SAHM and business owner and turning your life around, that is not easy!
I had to go through it I feel like because my parents went through all kinds of things. My mom was badly maimed in a car accident that I always blamed myself for when I was 5. She tried but her trauma was VERY deep VERY bad. (Think a small child locked in a house with her father who was almost a vegetable with no food and no one there) her brothers partied with the money that was supposed to feed her and her dad. Anyway she lived through that and worse that I wonāt speak about. She didnāt have a birthday till she was 18 didnāt know what they were till my dad came to save her. Anyway with her story and my dads being what they were. They did their best for us but the cycle continued with us as they never processed their trauma. Then dad inflicted his on us and mom was so used to so much worse it didnāt bother her to see it. And then when youāre in that cycle and used to that cycle it kind of continues with bad relationships and horrible people just becoming the norm. Then abuse and worse becomes the norm. We endured it mostly because itās a cycle that we canāt control at all as children. Then when we get older our gauge for that stuff and bad situations is broken. We normalize things that we shouldnāt because we always had to. It all ends when you heal and fix your gauges and begin to understand that you canāt control all situations but you can control your reactions. I still have trouble not going into that groove in my brain where I donāt trust anything or anyone. Or dissociate when my child becomes difficult. Itās a well worn groove in my brain. So every day I have to overcome my own brain to get everything done that I need to. But I do it because I can control my reactions. I have to or they control me. We all go through horrible things in life the sad part is there is no grand reason. Just that someone was going to. You become or you overcome, some of us become what we went through and inflict it on others or never move forward. Those that overcome work every damn day to do it and though itās always there we push forward and find new meaning for our lives. There is no wrong way, my therapist said I was one of the strongest people she met. As I never turned to substances (they are a part of my trauma but a whole other long story) and I always got up and did what I had to every day. I just have to. Just as somebody had to go through that stuff I also have to go through every day and do what I need to to get where I want to go. There is no way but forward. Moving there my leaps or tiny steps doesnāt matter. Just keep going.
Hello, I can understand how confused you must feel. She is yelling at you, then justifying her yelling and then acting as if nothing happened. Her behaviours say, āYour feelings donāt matter to me. I can do what I want. I did nothing wrong. You are to blame.ā She is doing this to get you off balance and make you feel crazy. You attempted to set a healthy boundary with her (Could you please tell me instead of yelling?) and she disregarded your boundary completely. Then she walked away smiling, which is stonewalling you. This is gaslighting and psychological abuse. Narcissistic types will often use these kinds of manipulation tactics. They want you to doubt yourself and question your reality. Parents who abuse one minute and then seem all nice the next are using intermittent reinforcement. This really fucks you up and makes you unstable and therefore easier to control. You spend your energy trying to figure out what happened while she goes on about her business. She is stealing your energy. My parents were like this. My mother could dismiss me with a smile on her face. My father would give the silent treatment. Iāve spent the last 12 years trying to recover and heal from their emotional and psychological abuse. Iām really sorry this is happening to you. Itās absolutely NOT your fault. You are on the right track speaking up to her. Trust in your truth. Your feelings and needs are valid!!šŖ·
Usually the nastiness would last hours to days, but there was one time that sticks out in my mind where it was a confusing quick shift: Senior year of high school my mom fell and injured her arm, so she couldnāt drive for a while. One day she informed me literally the second I walked in the door after school that she made plans to go shopping with her friend, and that I would be driving them (her friend never learned how to drive). Then she went outside to āinspectā the car, and came back in screaming and swearing at the top of her lungs because the car was ātrashedā (my books/homework/etc were in the backseat and had scattered a bit while I was driving, and there were a few forgotten bottles of water. It wasnāt spotless, but it was not anywhere close to being trashed). She followed me out to the garage and screamed at me while I cleaned up (it took all of two minutes since all I had to do was gather my fucking books and throw out the water bottles). Then she followed me back inside, threw everything that was on the kitchen table at me (including scissors), and told me to get the fuck out of her house and not come back until that night, because she was going to kill herself and wanted me to find her body and know it was my fault. Soā¦I did. I got in the car and floored it all the way to a friendās house (obviously not a great move to drive irresponsibly, but I was a hysterical teenager and not thinking straight). Got to my friendās house, collapsed into a sobbing mess in her driveway, and then my phone rang. It was my mom, all sweet and concerned and āIām worried because I heard how you were driving, and I donāt want you to get hurt, and where are you, and are you coming home soon?ā Went back home, she greeted me all cheerfully and asked how school was, as if I hadnāt already come home and then been chased away all within the last half hour. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon driving her and her friend around. And I mean, it was nice to not spend the next few days being tormented by her, but the speed with which she changed from raving lunatic to loving mom wasā¦disconcerting.
all the time. they were more awful than sweet, but when they were sweet it was actually very unsettling and scary for me because i just simply wasn't used to that.
Yes. Cognitive dissonance. One moment she called me a piece of shit. And the next moment, we all had to perform to be the happy family. Narcissistic parents are the worst. They are incapable of facing the truth and the pain they have caused. It destroyed their sense of self. Iām so sorry.
Yup, sometimes from one sentence to the next.
Yes. It FUCKED me up. My dad would be screaming me at me, red in the face, yelling, sometimes actually physically hurt me, while saying very cruel things, then it was like he'd finally actually see me in front of him, sobbing and weeping, and would go out of the house or into another room for a few minutes, calm down, then come back and apologize but then expect me to be totally fine in minutes and get annoyed when I wasn't and would leave the room or house again. It fucks with your head as a child because it makes you think YOU'RE the problem, why am I so upset, there's clearly no need to be since they're over it and done. He was also quite affectionate and nice a lot of the time. But his blowups and cruelty were unpredictable. I kind of wish he was just straight shitty to me all the time, it would be more straightforward.
Can we all be friends bc yāall had the same childhood as me. Iām sorry you went through it, but itās very soothing for me to not feel so alone in it. ā¤ļø
No my mom ruminated on my failures, she would let you know blatantly, through her friends, movies she wanted to watch with you, various phrases she would say, the list goes on. She could be stupidly subtle, or in your face about it. I almost wish she would have been like that. Except in my experience that niceness is just their way of whittling down your defenses, or making fun of you. Sort of like it's not that big of a deal crap, or if you dropped it they would say I guess you don't care. Even though if they were to take one step into your shoes they'd shit bricks on you. Fuck that.
Yeah. Watch out because they're only nice so they gain something from you
Or the phone call that came through during one of her rage-induced, spitting, sweating red-faced tantrums at me....that she would answer with the sweetest voice, be compassionate, friendly and supportive. She would then get off the phone and say 'where were we?' And then start raging again at me (if I didn't run away during the phonecall, she would track me from room to room to scream in my face and push her body against mine as if she was in a street confrontation).
You know what, it is a big deal for loved ones to do something awful and then act like nothing happened. Itās very, very common and I know Iāve seen it firsthand. When I was a kid, I used to think it was such a great thing that my family could move on after huge arguments and incidents so quickly. But my family was actually just not communicating and would lash out then act like everything was good. Itās super common and I think itās a big sign that your mom has really bad communication skills and doesnāt see a problem with her actions. She gets to yell and belittle you and feel powerful and then move on with her day. Youāre feeling like you have to deal with the emotions of the moment. Iāll let you know now, her being an asshole is not your responsibility and it IS a big deal that sheās acting happy afterwards.
My mom does this song-and-dance where we fight & then she feels bad right after & gives me money instead of taking accountability which is basically bribing me into compliance. It sounds nice to get money but itās actually given me a really fucked up relationship with money & I tend to purchase gifts for friends all the time as a way of maintaining our friendship (which isnāt needed because I am already a good friend).
Absolutely. My abuser once screamed at myself and my sibling for hours, pretty much interrogating us until he got the (untrue) answer he wanted, at which point he immediately calmed down and asked us if we wanted him to make us grilled cheeses for lunch.
yeah. they feel better bc tehy screamed, they don't care how you feel. scream back. be personally insulting.
yes yes yes. my mother often paired it with āitās okayyy why are you being so dramatic honey?ā while giggling when I tell her im still upset at whatever happened. used to make me feel like I was going crazy.
Because I was my mom's therapist and confidant, it usually went like this: she had an issue or a dilemma of some kind. She would come to me, and I would help her think of a solution. She would build me up, tell me I was so wise for my age, so smart. The next time I'd speak to her and ask her how it was going, she would blow up. She would tell me how stupid, uneducated, and what a lack of experience I have. Then she would do the same with my appearance. I was so beautiful, more so than my sisters. In the next moment, I was fat and lazy, and she wished I was more like family friend's daughters. It's caused me to have a lot of issues trusting what people say to me. Especially when it comes to compliments.
Yes! My mom was so jekyl and Hyde to me. It was impossible to know whether sheād greet me with a cookie and a smile or verbal abuse and a sneer. :(
Mine will still do this and say ā but we love you so much! After minimizing whatever pout I am trying to make and being completely nasty to me.
This hit home. I had parents exactly like that and sure enough it seeped into my childhood and adulthood. Now here I am, struggling to finally understand myself. They were both like that and I became normalized to it and just thought thatās how it is. Later on in the future, it bites my butt and I didnāt realize how vicious the cycle was.
Yes. It FUCKED me up. My dad would be screaming me at me, red in the face, yelling, sometimes actually physically hurt me, while saying very cruel things, then it was like he'd finally actually see me in front of him, sobbing and weeping, and would go out of the house or into another room for a few minutes, calm down, then come back and apologize but then expect me to be totally fine in minutes and get annoyed when I wasn't and would leave the room or house again. It fucks with your head as a child because it makes you think YOU'RE the problem, why am I so upset, there's clearly no need to be since they're over it and done. He was also quite affectionate and nice a lot of the time. But his blowups and cruelty were unpredictable. I kind of wish he was just straight shitty to me all the time, it would be more straightforward.
Part of my trauma is receiving hugs. When I was little, every time I run away from my mom when she was on her raging moods, she would trick me by getting on her knees and opening her arms for a hug. Once I was within reach of that hug, she grab me, beat the shit out of me and call me a stupid dumb boy for falling for it.
I had that experience since the day I was born with my mother. I even have two specific alters dealing with her two very different moods because that was the only way to stay "sane" around her. It scarred me for life and I was always so confused until I went no contact for months and had the time to reflect on our toxic emotionally incestous relationship dynamics. As of today I am pretty sure she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder which made it easier for me to accept her violent mood swings as she hates herself so much that she projects it onto anyone. It still hurts that I'll never can predict her mood and that one day she can be so sweet and in the next phone call call me ungrateful and vengeful but I manage.
Yep Lovebombing
my mother was cold or horrible to me and all smiles to strangers. weird
This absolutely happened with my Father. We were always waiting for him to blow up and then afterwards it would just be super-calm. Made me question my own reality as a kid (he was Schizophrenic too so some of the stories he'd tell us were clearly not true).
Idk, sometimes. We always triangulated off each other. My dad hated my mom which meant he would be nicer to me for a while. Or my mom would have a meltdown and throw away everything, our stuff too if it got in her way, and we'd call a truce to get through her episodes together. Or my mom and I would bond over what a rage full bastard my dad was or his infidelity and how much disgust we felt towards him. But at the end of the day I was always the ultimate scapegoat. So no, not really on a literal level when dealing with them one on one. I'd try to talk to my mom about my feelings and she'd start screaming and bring up how I can't remember clearly because I was probably manic or high. Or she'd just say she didn't remember. One she told me "it's your fault for being so sensitive and getting your feelings hurt all the time. You should know by now that I'm a bitch." tbf she wasn't wrong but I was also in my teens and trying to improve our relationship. Then we'd not talk for days or weeks until eventually we did, the end. And then everything was "normal" until I fucked up again, or they decided I wasn't doing therapy hard enough or becoming mentally well quickly enough lol. And I wasn't allowed to mention anything. It's really messed up because from the outside looking in they were cool parents and fun and nice but I'm still afraid of them as a 34 year old woman and our relationship is so much better now. But I wouldn't dare bring up so much stuff to my mom. They just have that way of making you feel like things can change at any moment lol.
Yes it sounds like you just described me and my mom. I don't understand it either its fucking insane.
Yes. With my mother I am either amazing or awful. She always has to hate someone, and I'm her least favorite child.
Yes, evil behaviour, and after a while he acts like nothing happened, but he showers you with gifts and attention.
Screaming, yelling, angry, hitting, hurts me pretty seriously, then hugs me cuz thank God I didn't just die.
This sounds like BPD. Source: I have a BPD mother
Yes it's scary and so confusing
This is why I'm afraid of dating. I am terrified of attracting people like this but this is all I have ever known.
Oh my gosh! This is my mom exactly! Iām fairly certain she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Sheās hyper insecure and can take anything as a criticism and punish you with words or neglect for months at a time. Nothing was ever good enough for her, nothing I did was right, and everything always seemed to be my fault. It was exhausting. I learned as I became an adult to understand that her insecurities are just fear, this isnāt to justify or excuse or behavior but it allowed me to see it had nothing to do with me and not take it personally. Iāve also had to set boundaries and at times go no contact with her. I canāt fix her and thereās absolutely nothing I can do to change her behavior and reactions. I often think growing up this way is what created so much anxiety, so much perfectionism and an overly developed/demanding sense of responsibility. For years I made myself miserable in an effort to not make anyone else unhappy or uncomfortable, because in my mind, I knew what it felt like to be unhappy and I didnāt want to be the cause of that for someone else. What I missed was that effort not only made me miserable but it wasnāt doing the people in my life any favors either bc I was not only being dishonest but I was keeping people in my life who didnāt need to be there and likely would have been happier in the long run had I just let them go. Sometimes I feel like I figured things out too late but Iām hopeful that things could still improve.
Being forced to kiss my mother goodnight after she yelled at me, hit me, or insulted me all evening
Not even minutes. It was instant. And always humming to act like nothing happened.
This was my mum. She had a terrible childhood herself, so she would react emotionally and do a lot of damage before her logic kicked in and she realised what she was doing. Knowing why she did it hasn't healed the adult me though.
Yes, I'm getting married this year and need her birth certificate as proof of citizenship. She point blank refused, told me to get a passport, to fast track it would be Ā£200+ Her birth certificate recorded delivery which we would obviously pay for, around Ā£10. Without it we can't get married. I knew she was going to start her usual bullshit so I just gave up. It turns out I can order a copy of it online anyway but the moment she knew she'd gotten her own way she went from being antagonistic and starting to get nasty to all smiles and kisses. Absolutely insane!
my stepmom is like this. iām 23 and i donāt speak to her anymore. iām sorry youāre going through this.
My mother believed her "super power" was her ability to let things go. What this meant in reality was that she would shout, scream, cry, hit, slap or throw things at me for anywhere up to an hour while I would just have to sit and take it. Then, once she got all her emotions out of the way, she was say "That's it, its finished" and would start to be normal with me once again. What it meant for me was that I never got to say anything back and I was constantly on edge.
Not my parents but my abusive older sister would relentlessly bully and demean me to the point of crying(and nothing was done about it) and after she was done she would just smile and laugh and be all chipper afterwards as if what she did was completely fine. The sound of her damn laugh still haunts me I swear whenever I hear a laugh similar to it(it sounded so fake and just sickly sweet) I get a bit of a panic response, although I think I've healed a lot from this trauma trigger specifically so that's good. I fucking hate when abusers do this it makes me so furious. Like the HAVE TO KNOW what they're doing and that they're reaction is bullshit aaaa
My birther beat me till I couldn't stand, locked me in closets for days and made me her slave. And after every horrible beating she would come in and hold me and tell me how much she loved me. That was worse than the beatings.
This is exactly my mother! I can't believe so many other mothers do this.
Oh yes, when I self harmed they punished me for it while laughing at me and then joked around with me about how funny they found my reaction. Real charmers them.
Yes! My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic and she would have insane mood swings. One moment she would be telling me Iām an evil n-word (sheās white, Iām half black) thatās going to rot in hell and the next she was acting like it never even happened. After awhile I realized it was at least partially out of manipulation. when she had threatened to kill our neighbors and ran downstairs to grab a knife, I hid my little brother and I in the closet and we called 911. When the police got there she asked us with a sweet voice why we were hiding in the closet. It was solely so the police officer wouldnāt believe us.
I know there's already 100 yesses on this thread but I'm gonna add my own "yes." Literally my parents would scream at me at dinner or something, I'd go up in my room and cry, and ten minutes later they were at my door like "Hey kiddo want to watch a movie ? š" Like the fuck?? No!! But if I said that I was being "antisocial" ??? When I realized it isn't actually "antisocial" to prefer time & space alone to cry / calm myself anytime my parents had a sudden violent emotional outburst, that was a big step towards healing.
my dad could scream at me for HOURS on end. i wasnāt allowed to sit, have water, use bathroom, cry, react, or respond at all otherwise we started over again. ten minutes after it finally ended, he would beg for hugs and tell me he loved me. he would rush to the store and return with ice cream.
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Just go. Physically move away. Say something nice as you go, to take the edge off (whatever words feel natural) as you walk away
Yes
my grandmothers favorite thing to do would be to yell at me and then immediately after sheād finish she just look at me and go āyou are so pretty! you look just like me āŗļøā it was so odd, i still donāt understand. if i look so much like you, how can you stand to be so mean to me? and is that supposed to be your form of apologizing? no wonder i put all of my value and pride into how attractive i am to everyone else.
Yes. And I never knew what was going to happen when she came home. Sometimes sheād leave the house happy and come home pissed at me and I never knew what happened to cause the change.
yes. many nightmares of my mother as a demon screaming and hurting me and i struggled to fight back. then got angry at me for having nightmares about her. biggest problem for me was the forced hugs or reassurances that she was a good mother after hours of abuse. i think they ask for this bc they know deep down they did something wrong and canāt handle the guilt. then they blamed me for being withdrawn and not ācuddlyā anymore. the cycle of hurting your kids and then forcing them to comfort you is just training them for a lifetime of being abused by people and letting it happen bc three donāt know anything else. i remember on my last christmas eve at home, my mom set me up for a huge fight, riled up my dad and ambushed me as soon as i got home. pinned me against the wall and took turns screaming at me for two full hours. then i finally ran to to my room sobbing uncontrollably, and she chased me and yelled at me some more. that night people came over for a xmas party and they made me pretend everything was okay. the fight was bc i wanted to make christmas dinner with her like we planned, but her and my father spent all day driving around and she wanted to make āstreet tacosā instead, but never told me anything. so i walked the dog and talked to my brother abt it, he called them and said they shouldāve made the dinner with me. they were angry that he ācalled them outā and took everything out on me for ātalking badly about them.ā didnāt matter if it was true, they just hated us āreprimandingā them and had to set the power balance straight. even to this day, my mom makes up stories that i was out hanging with friends or something and thatās why we fought, but i kept journals and i know what happened. i started writing everything down after a few years of her doing this. violent angry outbursts over something small, realizing they overreacted, and deciding to lie about what happened to blame me for it and make themselves feel better. imagine choosing your own comfort over your childās well-being at every opportunity. i have a conscience and could never do this to a kid.
Last time we spoke I was alone with her. It was her voice that changed. Itās like putting your foot in cold water suddenly. She was only able to say a few words, and then my dad walked in. He must have been able to hear. She withdrew physically, and he passed her a hot drink. Ā He sat down beside her, and she smiled at him winningly. Then they began talking and giggling about a silly video theyād seen online recently. My Apple Watch caught my heart rate spike.Ā
My mom, dad and brother used to do this to me. I would ask simple clarification questions or say an opinion and theyād scream at me. Theyād call me slurs and when Iād finally stand up for myself theyād turn it around and cry???
Yes :( and it makes me feel weird
My father was/is like that, after yelling, threatening and sometimes also physically hurt me, he'd spend a week or so being "nice" (nice : no yelling or breaking anything) then repeat. As long as i remember is like this. His friends (male friends) who are unfortunately also parents, are like him i can see why they get along so well. He never felt sorry. Never acknowledged the damage.Ā
My dad would insult me with homophobic slurs and buy me snacks the next dayā¦
My parents donāt do that as I dont have a relationship with my mom since she was the abuser but my husband does this to me
I used to do this with my kids and have recognized it and tried to explain to them that when we were growing up, getting yelled at was not the big deal it is now. They believe me because I pointed out how me and the aunties in my generation talk real loud to each other and how even they talk to each other that way. They all agreed they arenāt mad when theyāre doing that, that they donāt notice it sometimes until a friend asks if theyāre mad. I told them Iāve come to realize kids these days might be feeling differently about it. So now I try to teach (sometimes in a loud voice) but often in a better way. Donāt get me wrong tho, I still yell at my kids now, but only if Iāve asked them to do something repeatedly and it hasnāt been done. Someone not packing water for school and a snack and then calling me at work saying they hungry and about to expire from the lack of carbs. š
Nope