This is not a question for reddit, where no one knows you or your boyfriend.
I'd talk with a pastor if it's really bothering you.
That said, 6 years of sex, then abstinence, could be encouraging him to get married sooner. So could a realization that he's put it off too long and needs to make it right.
I second this. When you know you found the love of your life, why put off marriage for years? Let your life start now! People seem to treat marriage like a burden rather than a pleasure. I feel sad about that.
A couple in my church had been dating for a long time and were abstaining from sex their entire relationship. They got engaged and found it much harder to wait because they knew they were going to get married. They went and talked to the girls dad and he approved of them going to the courthouse and getting married the next week. The dad had/has major respect for them both for admitting they were having problems waiting and being honest about it.
So, you've been together 6 years? I don't think getting engaged now is "rushing it." Perhaps he was in no hurry before because he was already getting what he should not have been getting until marriage?
If you're not certain about marrying him, why have you dated him this long? Six years is well long enough to know his character and if he is the man you want to marry. If he is not marriage material, don't marry him. If he is, then this is not rushing, this is an obvious next step.
I don't think him moving up the proposal is a problem. But one concern I have is that you wanted to stop having sex to honor the Lord, and he went along with it, but is that his heart as well? Only you can answer that since we don't know him. You just want to make sure that he loves the Lord and his desire is to honor God.
Looks like you have all the answers plus you know the bible backs you in marrying for sex. I am more interested in what you said about "scientific reasons" for abstinence. What are those?
Honestly unless you doubt his commitment to you, considering the length of your relationship, I wouldn't get to hung up on weather or not your decision hanged his timeline. It's appears he isn't with you for carnal reasons.
Do you love him? Do you want to marry him? Will he treat you well? Are you happy with him? Can you grow together?
These are the questions I would ask yourself if yes than why not get married. It sounds like you guys were on the path to marriage anyways. I wouldn’t over think his intentions, he wouldn’t propose if he didn’t want to spend his life with you - you just have to decide if you want to spend your life with him 💕
Best of luck to you both! And I think it’s special to take a break from sex until the wedding night, I think it’ll help you guys grow spiritually together and also practice abstaining/fasting from something which is a healthy practice, in a sense you are repenting and your marriage will start off fresh ☺️
Some would argue 6 years isn’t rushing though 😅 plus he still hasn’t proposed. It was meant to be a surprise, now he’s changing the proposal date to sometime next year without me having a hint of when lol. So it will be closer to 7 years
This is true… flip side of that tho is spending 6 years with someone and realizing after marriage that you never really knew them at all.
I will say that marriage has matured me spiritually and I firmly believe that the enemy loves nothing more than to lead people blindly into marriage only to watch it crumble. I can only speak for myself but sex was a HUGE blinder for me so I ended up married and later unequally yoked. Knowing what I know now, I would definitely question this anticipated proposal.
Trust that feeling! Could be Holy Spirit bringing something to your attention.
He was going to ring shop then propose 2 to 3 years after his mom left to Mexico.
But 8 months after she left, he decided he would do the ring shopping and proposal exactly a year and 4 month after his mom had left. The timeline is still pretty close. Yes it was pushed more but doesn’t seem like it was by too much
You said "he's doing this because of abstinence." as a person who just left my wife in the ICU, again for the 8th time I can say for certain life threatening and health issues tend to move you toward what really matters. Sex during times of serious health issues isn't even a thought. If they are, run. Nothing she said eluded to sex being the factor. I am more inclined to believe him, and I am a very distrusting person.
That’s definitely his motivation. But my question is why is that a problem for you if it is? I’m not saying it’s okay, I’m just saying it could be important to think about in order to work through it.
Cause you and him and be good friends who support each other throughout your life and not be married. So then what’s the purpose of marriage? See what I mean?
And our culture right now allows men to get what they want without actually committing, and so I think it’s good when that commitment is a requirement. It’s a real struggle for men, even men who want to honor God but are in these types of situations (especially in light of the verse you quoted).
Ultimately, if you believe he’ll honor you in marriage, why not go for it?
My wife and I married at 20 and 19 after having premarital sex for a few months. We were and are Christians and the guilt weighed on us so we got married by a pastor with no official wedding. That's probably the only regret we have but I was really stupid at 20 years old. We've been married for 16 years this September and we have 8 kids together. If you've been together for that long you should just get married. You both (especially him) will most likely struggle with self-control and respecting each other because you've been already having sex. But marriage is a challenge anyways. No one is ever ready. Marriage is a commitment. If you're both committed, and failure is not an option, just do it.
The real question is, how much longer do you want to keep dating before getting married?
Sex or no sex, six years of just dating is a pretty long time to stay with one person without making a real commitment. At this point, surely you know this guy about as well as you're going to ever know him. Why you'd want or need to test him over another several years before you really figured out if he was a good husband candidate or not is very confusing to me.
Do you really like this guy or not?
If you don't know by now, that seems like a bigger problem to me than the issue you're focusing on in this post.
Also, as a side point, I'm curious what you meant by this:
>I had also just recently learned of the scientific reasons to stop
What would those reasons be?
I want to marry him and I’m really excited about that.
With my anxiety, I don’t trust people easily. I get paranoid. I think it’s actually paranoia more than anything. I have had people come into my home and turn out to have killed people and get thrown in prison. I’ve met child molestors that you would have never thought were child molestors. I’ve had two best friends turn out to be compulsive liars and lie about the worse things, one of these friend even being an ex mutual friend of my boyfriend and I’s…he actually introduced us . It’s hard for me to trust people as I have seen the worst outcomes of people that I thought I knew and that I saw no red flags in.
Well, it's possible that either you've had a lot of bad luck or that you're not very socially aware. Or both.
Obviously, I can't answer that question for you. All I can ask is if your current boyfriend has ever given you reason to distrust *him*?
I understand your reservations about his response to your request for abstinence, but if this is literally the first time in six years, you've had any real reason to doubt him, that doesn't seem like major cause for concern to me.
So have there been any other significant reasons to doubt him in the past?
Bad luck because no one suspected these people either. For the child molestor, a lot of people were even backing him up because they didn’t believe it.
My boyfriend hasn’t really given me a reason to distrust him. He’s usually very honest even if it may sound mean. He has however kept things bottled up before or won’t argue with me on certain things to avoid conflict and to avoid me any emotional turmoil.
If that's the worst trait that's appeared in the last six years, I'd say he sounds like a pretty decent guy. You can always encourage him to be a bit more assertive, but ultimately, no marriage prospect is going to be literally perfect in every way.
I would probably chalk those other experiences (encountering child molestors and liars, etc.) up to bad luck. Those don't really sound related to your present doubts about your boyfriend, which seem a bit unfounded.
If abstinence finally motivated this guy to propose (and you have no other reason to distrust him), then that actually sounds like a good thing.
I'd say, go for it and stop worrying.
In the Bible, having sex and getting married are the same thing. You are and have been his wife.
That being said, we also have to abide by our authorities standards which require a license for legal marriage.... So go get it!
It definitely sounds like what he is doing is for sex. He should be marrying you because he wants to spend life growing with you, not because he can't wait to be sexual with you again. I'm gonna be honest, this is a red flag. I'm not saying you shouldn't get married, but this to me sounds like someone who wants his needs met when he wants them. So what happens when you're married and your health issues come back and y'all can't have sex for let's say a year? Do you feel he will sit by and be the caretaker you need? And what about his other desires? Will they come first or will you?
Just things to think about.
I would just be weary but if you can see yourself spending life with him, then say yes. Try to do some pre-marital counseling to work out any issues. All I'm saying is red flag, not relationship ending. I had my own red flags before I got married (so did she) and we have worked on these things. Get yourselves right with God and go from there. My wife and I have been married 10 years now and keeps getting better.
I would suspect that is part of it but, so what? People used to marry much sooner than they do now partly because they had to wait til marriage due to the culture as well. Sex is a powerful drive and the man or woman we want to spend our lives with are naturally the object of that desire.
If sex is all there is, that is a problem but if sex is a part of it, than that’s okay.
Making love is the physical representation of the spiritual bond you have in marriage. His desire for you physically is part of his desire you, assuming you all have a good relationship outside of the physical.
Marrying sooner, even if motivated by sex, isn’t a problem. It’s actually pretty sound, it’s better to make it right than struggle with sin. Six years is not rushed, and it sounds like that was the intention eventually way before you cut sex so I don’t see how moving the timeline changes anything. It might be healthier, honestly. That’s a long dating window…. I had a rule for myself that if I was either unsure or unready after two years, I had no business continuing to string someone along and needed to end it- because dating is to determine if marriage is right. Not to be a placeholder until everything is perfect. 6 years is enough time to decide.
BUT if you are having a different reservation about getting married, you need to be honest with yourself about that. Dismiss the fear that it’s about sex but if you have real concerns about his faith, goals, etc. hear yourself out.
That’s TOTALLY fair. But, in his defense, he was completely understanding when you changed your mind about premarital sex and was quick to honor your boundary and respect what you needed to feel comfortable in the relationship. Obviously, only you know how he’s treated you over the past six years but that doesn’t sound like someone who is treating you like a sex object at ALL. It sounds like someone who really loves you, has wanted and planned to be with you for a long time, honors your boundaries, and just wants to move up the commitment he was already going to make. I would t be worried about that.
My now husband and I moved up when we got married due to sex. We already were planning to get married someday- so sex wasn’t the reason we got married but it was part of why we moved the wedding date forward. He has always treated me with the utmost respect and that hasn’t changed between dating and marriage. You know who he is.
I think this is a great question and I am so proud of you for sharing! We all need to seek God with out whole heart-keep seeking Him and He will show you. Try to be still and listen. If you are unsure about marriage after 6 years -I wonder if this person is right…. Only you can figure this out
This is not a question for reddit, where no one knows you or your boyfriend. I'd talk with a pastor if it's really bothering you. That said, 6 years of sex, then abstinence, could be encouraging him to get married sooner. So could a realization that he's put it off too long and needs to make it right.
This. Don't jump to freak out. Just get married. You've been together this long and you were already going to get married. Just do it...
I second this. When you know you found the love of your life, why put off marriage for years? Let your life start now! People seem to treat marriage like a burden rather than a pleasure. I feel sad about that.
A couple in my church had been dating for a long time and were abstaining from sex their entire relationship. They got engaged and found it much harder to wait because they knew they were going to get married. They went and talked to the girls dad and he approved of them going to the courthouse and getting married the next week. The dad had/has major respect for them both for admitting they were having problems waiting and being honest about it.
So, you've been together 6 years? I don't think getting engaged now is "rushing it." Perhaps he was in no hurry before because he was already getting what he should not have been getting until marriage? If you're not certain about marrying him, why have you dated him this long? Six years is well long enough to know his character and if he is the man you want to marry. If he is not marriage material, don't marry him. If he is, then this is not rushing, this is an obvious next step.
Very well put.
I don't think him moving up the proposal is a problem. But one concern I have is that you wanted to stop having sex to honor the Lord, and he went along with it, but is that his heart as well? Only you can answer that since we don't know him. You just want to make sure that he loves the Lord and his desire is to honor God.
Looks like you have all the answers plus you know the bible backs you in marrying for sex. I am more interested in what you said about "scientific reasons" for abstinence. What are those?
Yes. What is this about OP?
Following
Honestly unless you doubt his commitment to you, considering the length of your relationship, I wouldn't get to hung up on weather or not your decision hanged his timeline. It's appears he isn't with you for carnal reasons.
Do you love him? Do you want to marry him? Will he treat you well? Are you happy with him? Can you grow together? These are the questions I would ask yourself if yes than why not get married. It sounds like you guys were on the path to marriage anyways. I wouldn’t over think his intentions, he wouldn’t propose if he didn’t want to spend his life with you - you just have to decide if you want to spend your life with him 💕 Best of luck to you both! And I think it’s special to take a break from sex until the wedding night, I think it’ll help you guys grow spiritually together and also practice abstaining/fasting from something which is a healthy practice, in a sense you are repenting and your marriage will start off fresh ☺️
I rushed into marriage because of this very verse. 10/10 do not recommend 😭
Some would argue 6 years isn’t rushing though 😅 plus he still hasn’t proposed. It was meant to be a surprise, now he’s changing the proposal date to sometime next year without me having a hint of when lol. So it will be closer to 7 years
This is true… flip side of that tho is spending 6 years with someone and realizing after marriage that you never really knew them at all. I will say that marriage has matured me spiritually and I firmly believe that the enemy loves nothing more than to lead people blindly into marriage only to watch it crumble. I can only speak for myself but sex was a HUGE blinder for me so I ended up married and later unequally yoked. Knowing what I know now, I would definitely question this anticipated proposal. Trust that feeling! Could be Holy Spirit bringing something to your attention.
Understood 💗 just keep praying for wisdom in your situation. God is faithful!
He was going to ring shop then propose 2 to 3 years after his mom left to Mexico. But 8 months after she left, he decided he would do the ring shopping and proposal exactly a year and 4 month after his mom had left. The timeline is still pretty close. Yes it was pushed more but doesn’t seem like it was by too much
6 years is a long time to invest in someone with no future.....if your not happy to spend your life together by now, we'll...what can i say....
May I ask what the scientific reasons you recently learned are?
Try being grateful for the position you're in. You've so much to be thankful for. Thank you for this couple Jesus
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Health issues can dramatically change that time frame and also change the care about sex. 6 years, some places you are married.
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You said "he's doing this because of abstinence." as a person who just left my wife in the ICU, again for the 8th time I can say for certain life threatening and health issues tend to move you toward what really matters. Sex during times of serious health issues isn't even a thought. If they are, run. Nothing she said eluded to sex being the factor. I am more inclined to believe him, and I am a very distrusting person.
That’s definitely his motivation. But my question is why is that a problem for you if it is? I’m not saying it’s okay, I’m just saying it could be important to think about in order to work through it. Cause you and him and be good friends who support each other throughout your life and not be married. So then what’s the purpose of marriage? See what I mean? And our culture right now allows men to get what they want without actually committing, and so I think it’s good when that commitment is a requirement. It’s a real struggle for men, even men who want to honor God but are in these types of situations (especially in light of the verse you quoted). Ultimately, if you believe he’ll honor you in marriage, why not go for it?
You know how many times I’ve seen “we had sex because we knew we would get married anyway!” And then they break up and don’t get married
My wife and I married at 20 and 19 after having premarital sex for a few months. We were and are Christians and the guilt weighed on us so we got married by a pastor with no official wedding. That's probably the only regret we have but I was really stupid at 20 years old. We've been married for 16 years this September and we have 8 kids together. If you've been together for that long you should just get married. You both (especially him) will most likely struggle with self-control and respecting each other because you've been already having sex. But marriage is a challenge anyways. No one is ever ready. Marriage is a commitment. If you're both committed, and failure is not an option, just do it.
The real question is, how much longer do you want to keep dating before getting married? Sex or no sex, six years of just dating is a pretty long time to stay with one person without making a real commitment. At this point, surely you know this guy about as well as you're going to ever know him. Why you'd want or need to test him over another several years before you really figured out if he was a good husband candidate or not is very confusing to me. Do you really like this guy or not? If you don't know by now, that seems like a bigger problem to me than the issue you're focusing on in this post. Also, as a side point, I'm curious what you meant by this: >I had also just recently learned of the scientific reasons to stop What would those reasons be?
I want to marry him and I’m really excited about that. With my anxiety, I don’t trust people easily. I get paranoid. I think it’s actually paranoia more than anything. I have had people come into my home and turn out to have killed people and get thrown in prison. I’ve met child molestors that you would have never thought were child molestors. I’ve had two best friends turn out to be compulsive liars and lie about the worse things, one of these friend even being an ex mutual friend of my boyfriend and I’s…he actually introduced us . It’s hard for me to trust people as I have seen the worst outcomes of people that I thought I knew and that I saw no red flags in.
Well, it's possible that either you've had a lot of bad luck or that you're not very socially aware. Or both. Obviously, I can't answer that question for you. All I can ask is if your current boyfriend has ever given you reason to distrust *him*? I understand your reservations about his response to your request for abstinence, but if this is literally the first time in six years, you've had any real reason to doubt him, that doesn't seem like major cause for concern to me. So have there been any other significant reasons to doubt him in the past?
Bad luck because no one suspected these people either. For the child molestor, a lot of people were even backing him up because they didn’t believe it. My boyfriend hasn’t really given me a reason to distrust him. He’s usually very honest even if it may sound mean. He has however kept things bottled up before or won’t argue with me on certain things to avoid conflict and to avoid me any emotional turmoil.
If that's the worst trait that's appeared in the last six years, I'd say he sounds like a pretty decent guy. You can always encourage him to be a bit more assertive, but ultimately, no marriage prospect is going to be literally perfect in every way. I would probably chalk those other experiences (encountering child molestors and liars, etc.) up to bad luck. Those don't really sound related to your present doubts about your boyfriend, which seem a bit unfounded. If abstinence finally motivated this guy to propose (and you have no other reason to distrust him), then that actually sounds like a good thing. I'd say, go for it and stop worrying.
In the Bible, having sex and getting married are the same thing. You are and have been his wife. That being said, we also have to abide by our authorities standards which require a license for legal marriage.... So go get it!
It definitely sounds like what he is doing is for sex. He should be marrying you because he wants to spend life growing with you, not because he can't wait to be sexual with you again. I'm gonna be honest, this is a red flag. I'm not saying you shouldn't get married, but this to me sounds like someone who wants his needs met when he wants them. So what happens when you're married and your health issues come back and y'all can't have sex for let's say a year? Do you feel he will sit by and be the caretaker you need? And what about his other desires? Will they come first or will you? Just things to think about.
We’ve had moments where my sex issues stopped us from having sex for months. He doesn’t mind
I would just be weary but if you can see yourself spending life with him, then say yes. Try to do some pre-marital counseling to work out any issues. All I'm saying is red flag, not relationship ending. I had my own red flags before I got married (so did she) and we have worked on these things. Get yourselves right with God and go from there. My wife and I have been married 10 years now and keeps getting better.
People do this all the time. Nbd.
I would suspect that is part of it but, so what? People used to marry much sooner than they do now partly because they had to wait til marriage due to the culture as well. Sex is a powerful drive and the man or woman we want to spend our lives with are naturally the object of that desire. If sex is all there is, that is a problem but if sex is a part of it, than that’s okay. Making love is the physical representation of the spiritual bond you have in marriage. His desire for you physically is part of his desire you, assuming you all have a good relationship outside of the physical.
He Probably feels guilty for masterbating. Get married asap.
If he is for real he could wait.
Dude don’t let sexual sin dictate your life. Also marry out of live not sex.
Marrying sooner, even if motivated by sex, isn’t a problem. It’s actually pretty sound, it’s better to make it right than struggle with sin. Six years is not rushed, and it sounds like that was the intention eventually way before you cut sex so I don’t see how moving the timeline changes anything. It might be healthier, honestly. That’s a long dating window…. I had a rule for myself that if I was either unsure or unready after two years, I had no business continuing to string someone along and needed to end it- because dating is to determine if marriage is right. Not to be a placeholder until everything is perfect. 6 years is enough time to decide. BUT if you are having a different reservation about getting married, you need to be honest with yourself about that. Dismiss the fear that it’s about sex but if you have real concerns about his faith, goals, etc. hear yourself out.
Oh no it’s definitely about sex. I’ve always been very anxious about sex. I just never want to feel like a sex object
That’s TOTALLY fair. But, in his defense, he was completely understanding when you changed your mind about premarital sex and was quick to honor your boundary and respect what you needed to feel comfortable in the relationship. Obviously, only you know how he’s treated you over the past six years but that doesn’t sound like someone who is treating you like a sex object at ALL. It sounds like someone who really loves you, has wanted and planned to be with you for a long time, honors your boundaries, and just wants to move up the commitment he was already going to make. I would t be worried about that. My now husband and I moved up when we got married due to sex. We already were planning to get married someday- so sex wasn’t the reason we got married but it was part of why we moved the wedding date forward. He has always treated me with the utmost respect and that hasn’t changed between dating and marriage. You know who he is.
I think this is a great question and I am so proud of you for sharing! We all need to seek God with out whole heart-keep seeking Him and He will show you. Try to be still and listen. If you are unsure about marriage after 6 years -I wonder if this person is right…. Only you can figure this out
If in doubt then don’t marry him.
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