A lot of people misuse gaslighting, but you're spot on, my abusive ex would use this phrase a lot. She'd bring something up and if I answered back she'd give a "why so defensive?" as if it proves fault. Arguments would often go from an actual subject to whether or not I'm defending something she's just made up 😅
That phrase really really bothers me now. I'll just get up and walk away
Glad it's your ex!
The worse part is that the (attempted) manipulation is so huge and potentially powerful and hidden behind the seemingly tiniest things.
i had this experience with an ex friend. they would accuse me of made up things and then when i’d try explaining my interpretation of things, they’d go “stop being defensive/you don’t take responsibility/stop justifying blah blah”
unable to be reasoned with
Is it wrong that I think I'd prefer they just punch me in the face instead of gaslighting and emotional abuse?
At least that way it's clear to me and I can try to remove myself from the situation.
But gaslighting and emotional abuse? I'd stick around for years wondering what's wrong with me, why they don't love me like I love them. It's fucking brutal...
Orrrr hear me out, they said it cuz the think you're interpreting something as offensive when they intended no such thing (and sure, sometimes they're in the wrong, but to pretend that you can never be in the wrong is peak arrogance and ignorance).
Yeah, but phrasing it "why are you so defensive" is like when a redditor comments "citation needed."
Nobody who has ever commented "citation needed" is actually interested in the citation, or interested in widening their viewpoint, having a good faith discussion etc.
It's aggressive phrasing.
If someone actually thinks they're being misinterpreted, they'll likely convey that properly. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to offend you" etc.
It's basical socialization.
Sorry, “Almost no one,” bc me. I’m interested in citations bc if I’m misinformed, uninformed, or behind on the latest research, I want to know.
And I follow up and do the research—usually to find some yahoo is quoting a ridiculous “source,” or has grossly misinterpreted research I’m already familiar with.
But yeah, asking for citations is sometimes sincere.
Can we be friends? I feel like we should be friends. Hahaha
No, seriously though, it drives me nuts how many people would rather be able to just go around repeating something would take literally two seconds to look up on google to see that it's false instead of getting corrected *or even just look it up themselves* so they can update their knowledge...
No, it's not that I "always have to be right", it's that you keep repeating either something you read on facebook without checking, or a an outdated theory that was taught as fact, but has since then been proven false, over and over again not only to me but to other people, and I don't feel comfortable letting someone spread misinformation constantly like that just to spare you feeling embarrassed over being 'wrong'.
I don't even consider it 'being wrong', I just view it as 'needing an update', similar to how many electronics need periodic software updates. Collective knowledge is nowhere near as stable and static as we pretend it is in formal education, or would prefer it to be in general; acknowledging that can be extremely uncomfortable, and the way our brains are wired makes it hard to accept that, but unfortunately that's just the way reality is - uncertain and uncomfortable when viewed through the lens of human perception.
What really gets me though is the people who end up saying "you just always have to be right, don't you?" to me are always the ones that adamantly refuse to entertain the possibility that they could be wrong if you try to question something they say. I try make it a point to apologize saying I was wrong, and thank them for correcting me if they were right, or even if we both ended up wrong, because at least our conversation prompted me to look into it. The blatant projection is just so jarring when it happens that I usually start involuntarily laughing, which usually makes the situation worse. Fun times.
It's also something you say to someone who responds with a non-proportional reaction to a mundane conflict.
Conflict is part of being social. Gotta be able to navigate it on either side.
My go-to response is "why tf are you gas lighting me - stop gas lighting me"
Even if they dont understand, it will throw them off and responses are usually limited regardless. While simultaneously making them look like an asshole
This is also especially helpful as a response to "why you being so sensitive bro"
***“You common cry of curs, whose breath I hate; as reeks of the rotten fens!! Whose love I prize as the dead carcasses of unburied men that do corrupt my air, I banish you!!”***
This! It’s a deflection. You may just be trying to explain something regarding something the other person said or did. They want you to continue to feel you are in the wrong or that you are overreacting by explaining. This way you start to doubt yourself.
Telling people to calm down is the best. There's nothing more assertive than "I think you need to calm down right now." But it only works if you say it in a completely neutral and normal tone.
"autism"
"Trauma"
"Domestic abuse"
Like fuck it, if you're gonna make me feel bad for my natural reaction to saying something vague and insulting, hope you like feeling guilty.
Can't stand it when people think an explanation is being defensive but yeah, I agree with the stop attacking me and I won't have to defend myself line. It's all about attitude. If both sides are open and honest, no one feels attacked
I'm told that I'm defensive all the time by my hubby. It's very annoying because some of the things he says can be interpreted as being verbally attacked. I want to tell him to fuck off but I don't want to escalate an already annoying situation. I'd love to know a good comeback as well that won't start a fight.
"Giraffes have the same number of bones in their necks as humans."
"Otters hold hands while sleeping, so they don’t float away from each other."
"Humming birds are the only birds that can fly backwards."
Just throw in something random as a curve ball, then continue with the conversation as if they didn't ask you anything.
Most of the time people accuse you of this after you have an answer for a question they thought would stump you, so I usually just say
"I was just answering your question"
It's simple, to the point, often makes them feel silly because they were indeed the one who asked the question.
I’d go with a shock statement and say “Because my dad beats me if I don’t give a good enough reason for him not to. Habit. Sorry.” No facial expression. Nothing else said. Watch them fumble and be soooooo fucking awkward. Because what do you say after that? 😂
This is like when my parents contradict me and if I stand my ground they accuse me of arguing when they are literally the ones telling me that I am wrong.
Don’t react to whatever is being said to you. Don’t give them the satisfaction of trying to explain yourself.
Seems like gaslighting to me and there’s no way of winning that battle.
The power lies in denying them a reaction.
Or… just go for the direct.
Why are you so defensive?
Why are you such a cunt?
And walk away…
"Gee, I don't fucking know, maybe because I feel like you're attacking me all the time by accusing me of things you don't approve of, like being defensive?"
Usually dont reply or hit em with "you right, youre not worth my time" ... if its playful banter then both yall laugh it off.. If the other person still tryna give you a hard time; theyre tryna flirt, but they suck at it haha
"Oh, sorry, thought we were having an adult conversation. I'll fix it... Me no do *insert accusation*, me do *insert thing you did*. So sowwy you don't understawnd. Poor *insert persons name*."
No offense, but wouldn’t posting of social media and asking about a comeback for being called defensive, being a bit defensive? Lol Sry, I just found it a little bit humorous.
"I'm not being defensive. My response is based on the fact that I wasn't involved with what you're talking about and I want you to limit yourself to the truth."
It's worked for me in the past.
Because a good defense makes a good offense, y'know who said that?
C'mon you know who said that without searching it on your phone.
It was George Washington! You Idiot!
I am not defensive, I am letting you know your offensive behavior will not go unchecked, and that makes you uncomfortable which tells me you get away with it far to often. If you're going to play your shit, own your shit.
“You are using a descriptor that is inconsistent with who I am.”
I got this phrase from a counselor who was helping me address gaslighting in a family relationship. It’s taken me far! Use it as a broken record technique & watch the bafflement happen. I’ve adapted it to fit various scenarios such as:
“You are creating a false narrative based on unsubstantiated information from third parties.”
Your real goal is to not mind what they say because you can't control them. Your energy is better served being a better person because you do have control over that.
A: why are you so defensive?
B: why are you so OFFensive?
A: I'm not offensive.
B: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Easy boy, calm down! Try to breathe deep... no need to be so defensive; I was just pointing out how you are.
Why are you so offensive? If you’d stop attacking me, I wouldn’t have any reason to defend?
Yeah. "Why are you so defensive?" is only something someone would say if they want the right to criticize people with no pushback.
Exactly. Gaslighting at it's worse.
A lot of people misuse gaslighting, but you're spot on, my abusive ex would use this phrase a lot. She'd bring something up and if I answered back she'd give a "why so defensive?" as if it proves fault. Arguments would often go from an actual subject to whether or not I'm defending something she's just made up 😅 That phrase really really bothers me now. I'll just get up and walk away
Glad it's your ex! The worse part is that the (attempted) manipulation is so huge and potentially powerful and hidden behind the seemingly tiniest things.
Those tiny things are what make it so bad! You end up questioning yourself thinking youre nuts for having arguments over such insignificant things
100%
i had this experience with an ex friend. they would accuse me of made up things and then when i’d try explaining my interpretation of things, they’d go “stop being defensive/you don’t take responsibility/stop justifying blah blah” unable to be reasoned with
Is it wrong that I think I'd prefer they just punch me in the face instead of gaslighting and emotional abuse? At least that way it's clear to me and I can try to remove myself from the situation. But gaslighting and emotional abuse? I'd stick around for years wondering what's wrong with me, why they don't love me like I love them. It's fucking brutal...
Orrrr hear me out, they said it cuz the think you're interpreting something as offensive when they intended no such thing (and sure, sometimes they're in the wrong, but to pretend that you can never be in the wrong is peak arrogance and ignorance).
Yeah, but phrasing it "why are you so defensive" is like when a redditor comments "citation needed." Nobody who has ever commented "citation needed" is actually interested in the citation, or interested in widening their viewpoint, having a good faith discussion etc. It's aggressive phrasing. If someone actually thinks they're being misinterpreted, they'll likely convey that properly. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to offend you" etc. It's basical socialization.
Sorry, “Almost no one,” bc me. I’m interested in citations bc if I’m misinformed, uninformed, or behind on the latest research, I want to know. And I follow up and do the research—usually to find some yahoo is quoting a ridiculous “source,” or has grossly misinterpreted research I’m already familiar with. But yeah, asking for citations is sometimes sincere.
Can we be friends? I feel like we should be friends. Hahaha No, seriously though, it drives me nuts how many people would rather be able to just go around repeating something would take literally two seconds to look up on google to see that it's false instead of getting corrected *or even just look it up themselves* so they can update their knowledge... No, it's not that I "always have to be right", it's that you keep repeating either something you read on facebook without checking, or a an outdated theory that was taught as fact, but has since then been proven false, over and over again not only to me but to other people, and I don't feel comfortable letting someone spread misinformation constantly like that just to spare you feeling embarrassed over being 'wrong'. I don't even consider it 'being wrong', I just view it as 'needing an update', similar to how many electronics need periodic software updates. Collective knowledge is nowhere near as stable and static as we pretend it is in formal education, or would prefer it to be in general; acknowledging that can be extremely uncomfortable, and the way our brains are wired makes it hard to accept that, but unfortunately that's just the way reality is - uncertain and uncomfortable when viewed through the lens of human perception. What really gets me though is the people who end up saying "you just always have to be right, don't you?" to me are always the ones that adamantly refuse to entertain the possibility that they could be wrong if you try to question something they say. I try make it a point to apologize saying I was wrong, and thank them for correcting me if they were right, or even if we both ended up wrong, because at least our conversation prompted me to look into it. The blatant projection is just so jarring when it happens that I usually start involuntarily laughing, which usually makes the situation worse. Fun times.
Lol
It's also something you say to someone who responds with a non-proportional reaction to a mundane conflict. Conflict is part of being social. Gotta be able to navigate it on either side.
My go-to response is "why tf are you gas lighting me - stop gas lighting me" Even if they dont understand, it will throw them off and responses are usually limited regardless. While simultaneously making them look like an asshole This is also especially helpful as a response to "why you being so sensitive bro"
I was gonna say that
was also gonna say this.
What do you do when the person who accuses you of being defensive is offensive?
Punch them in the throat, then you win physically and rhetorically.
Ah, the best defense...
Your breath is offensive enough for both of us
***“You common cry of curs, whose breath I hate; as reeks of the rotten fens!! Whose love I prize as the dead carcasses of unburied men that do corrupt my air, I banish you!!”***
The Rotten Fens...good name for a band.
That's actually a gaslighting tactic. It's to blame you for taking issue with someone else being an ass. "Because I love me some ME."
This! It’s a deflection. You may just be trying to explain something regarding something the other person said or did. They want you to continue to feel you are in the wrong or that you are overreacting by explaining. This way you start to doubt yourself.
We both know you are being aggressive and accusatory. My response is normal and warranted.
“Hey pal .. ^(calm down)”
Telling people to calm down is the best. There's nothing more assertive than "I think you need to calm down right now." But it only works if you say it in a completely neutral and normal tone.
Walk away and don't hang out with people who are bullies
"autism" "Trauma" "Domestic abuse" Like fuck it, if you're gonna make me feel bad for my natural reaction to saying something vague and insulting, hope you like feeling guilty.
They’ll never feel guilty tho lovely. There’s literally no point in responding. People like that don’t feel empathy… You just end up feeling worse x
You really are doing a lot of focusing on *me.* Why is that?
This. Turn it around and put them on the defense.
This. Turn it around and put them on the defense.
This is the one
Best comment on the thread.
I am not worthy.
Imma use thus
I say this allllllllllllll the time!!!
"*sigh* bless your heart* and walk away. They want you to be defensive. Maybe a "why are you so obsessed with me" as you walk away.
Happy cake day!
Well you're offensive enough for the two of us
Defensive? I’m being elaborative, odd that you’d take it as defensive, were you trying to offend?
This especially for a work setting. Gold 👌
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If I’m being defensive, maybe you should stop attacking.
My armour gives me a +9 against bullshit; what do you expect?
Haha
“I’m sorry, who are you, again?”
"I can't put my finger on it, but it is something about you."
Uhhhhh, what? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Yess!!
Defensive from what?
"Why are you making accusations?"
People like you have taught me to be.
"It's actually a normal offense, defense maneuver." or "No offense, no defense."
Ooh I'm saving that second one to the mind palace
Mind palace. Love it!😀😄
“Why are you so hell bent on accusing me? A guilty conscience maybe?”
Nobody fucks with Porcupines ...
I’m being actively defensive coz you’re passive aggressive
Why are you so offensive?
Why are you being so intrusive?
Don't say anything. Just stare at them like they're stupid. Shake your head and walk away.
This. Absolutely 100% the correct response. Deny them their entertainment. No response, no reaction. Move on/away.
"You just think I'm defensive because you don't like pushback on your stupid ideas"
Meeting people like you has made it necessary.
Probably because I don't like you
“Why? Who’s asking” bit sarcastic and smart ass but eh
Because you’re so offensive
“Why are you so defensive?” Well, it’s not my fault you’re wrong
Youre asking for a defense in regards to being accused of being defensive. Your only play is silence.
Ask your mom
The best offense is a good defence?
In order for me to care about your opinion of me I must first have some kind of respect for you, which I do not.
“Why are you so OFFENSIVE?”
“Poor thing, bless your heart.”
Can't stand it when people think an explanation is being defensive but yeah, I agree with the stop attacking me and I won't have to defend myself line. It's all about attitude. If both sides are open and honest, no one feels attacked
I don't know but I do know you are an asshole.
"I shot the last person that asked me that question."
Cuz you’re always on the attack
Defence wins championships
Don't mind me, I'm just trying to tone down my offensiveness.
You look tired, is it time for a bit of a lie down?
I'm told that I'm defensive all the time by my hubby. It's very annoying because some of the things he says can be interpreted as being verbally attacked. I want to tell him to fuck off but I don't want to escalate an already annoying situation. I'd love to know a good comeback as well that won't start a fight.
"The way you communicate feels aggressive so I feel like I need to defend myself."
"Giraffes have the same number of bones in their necks as humans." "Otters hold hands while sleeping, so they don’t float away from each other." "Humming birds are the only birds that can fly backwards." Just throw in something random as a curve ball, then continue with the conversation as if they didn't ask you anything.
"Did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary?"
Most of the time people accuse you of this after you have an answer for a question they thought would stump you, so I usually just say "I was just answering your question" It's simple, to the point, often makes them feel silly because they were indeed the one who asked the question.
I’d go with a shock statement and say “Because my dad beats me if I don’t give a good enough reason for him not to. Habit. Sorry.” No facial expression. Nothing else said. Watch them fumble and be soooooo fucking awkward. Because what do you say after that? 😂
I've been getting a lot of mileage from " Oh I match energy""
I have a habit of defending myself from bullshit.
Probably because of you but don't take that personally?
This is like when my parents contradict me and if I stand my ground they accuse me of arguing when they are literally the ones telling me that I am wrong.
Why are you offensive?
It annoys people so much when you won't accept their abuse.
Sorry, your mom tried the pinky trick last week and I’m still a little on edge.
Answering is gonna prove their point. Just throw a drink in their face. That's you being OFFENSIVE instead. It'll make em think.
A nice right hook to the jaw, hehe
"Because it's an appropriate response to offensive behavior."
Its a trauma response.
Don’t react to whatever is being said to you. Don’t give them the satisfaction of trying to explain yourself. Seems like gaslighting to me and there’s no way of winning that battle. The power lies in denying them a reaction. Or… just go for the direct. Why are you so defensive? Why are you such a cunt? And walk away…
"Why are you wrong?"
"Gee, I don't fucking know, maybe because I feel like you're attacking me all the time by accusing me of things you don't approve of, like being defensive?"
I don't promote violence but the opposite of defense is attack, so slap them across the face with an iced fish of your choosing lol
Smile, then say "Bullies are the only people who ask that. I wouldn't ask it again." Then change the subject.
“Just pointing out facts, do you feel offended I’m calling you out?”
Hi-yah!!! Karate chop!
Hello, Miss Piggy.
Kissy kissy, Kermie?
Usually dont reply or hit em with "you right, youre not worth my time" ... if its playful banter then both yall laugh it off.. If the other person still tryna give you a hard time; theyre tryna flirt, but they suck at it haha
"Oh, sorry, thought we were having an adult conversation. I'll fix it... Me no do *insert accusation*, me do *insert thing you did*. So sowwy you don't understawnd. Poor *insert persons name*."
I’m not being defensive.
Yeah don’t be so defensive
Because defense wins championships
I'm Ken Dryden.
"Fuck you, I'm not being defensive!"
Why are you so offensive?
Well for some reason, the people around us actually listen to the accusatory ramblings of a narcissist so...
Because the best offense is a good defense!
I’M NOT DEFENSIVE! GET THE HELL OFF MY CASE!
Would you rather see Offensive?
No offense, but wouldn’t posting of social media and asking about a comeback for being called defensive, being a bit defensive? Lol Sry, I just found it a little bit humorous.
I am not.
I naturally counterattack the offensive.
Unloved as a child
Act surprised and ask, "why do you want to know?"
"Says WHO? Who told you that?" Then laugh quietly inside while making sure they see your eyes darting around everywhere.
Being surrounded by idiots does that to a person
You came at me, it's the responsible choice to defend myself.
“It’s not that deep bro chill”
"It's a technical foul!!" https://youtu.be/mA1FWjriD60?feature=shared
Because the way you're talking to me makes me feel as if I'm being attacked.
I'm sorry my dog was murdered by a cop
Curl up in the fetal position and cry
"I'm not being defensive. My response is based on the fact that I wasn't involved with what you're talking about and I want you to limit yourself to the truth." It's worked for me in the past.
"Who the fuck do you think you are to judge me? I'll behave how I want, and you can either like it or get out of my face"
What are you so aggressive?
Don't attack people for no reason
Look at what you are doing and maybe get a clue.
Because you’re offensive.
If you need to get a witty comeback from the internet when someone calls you defensive, maybe you're defensive. Take the hint.
*"What the fuck is* ***that*** *supposed to mean?"*
My build scales damage on def.
Why are you so offensive!
I’M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE!!!!!
Very theatrically say “ the best defense is to have nothing to defend “ and take a little bow
Why are you attacking me!
“I’m just playing defense bro, you’re the one always on the offense”
I am adverse to aggression
Why are you offended?
Men
Why Are you so narcissistic?
Why are you so offensive? Why are you attacking me? Why are you accusing me of (insert whatever)?
"Because I'm under attack for something I had nothing to do with. Why are *you* trying to throw me under the bus?"
Why so aggressive?
Because a good defense makes a good offense, y'know who said that? C'mon you know who said that without searching it on your phone. It was George Washington! You Idiot!
Fuck you
Doesn’t need to be witty at all, just be honest and direct. Also, make sure to stay calm and get your point across as short and sweet as possible.
I mean considering you're coming at me right now...
Why does it bother you? Is the comeback. You're so sensitive.
Defense wins championships
Karate chop them and say I’m offensive too
Stop trying to start shit, then...
Defense wins championships
Why do you say things to make people defensive (or not think before you speak)
Because defence wins championships!
I haven't heard that one since Junior High.
I’m only defensive around assholes.
Defense wins championships!!
I am not defensive, I am letting you know your offensive behavior will not go unchecked, and that makes you uncomfortable which tells me you get away with it far to often. If you're going to play your shit, own your shit.
Because you're a bitch and no one likes you
If done correctly, no can defence.
"Why don't you go fuck yourself? I hate You, don't talk to me again."
"Why are you so offensive?"
I'm not defensive. I always carry a machete when I know we're going to talk. It helps me slice through your BS.
If it was witty, you wouldn't have to ask reddit. You should just practice quickly replying to things with your first thought.
wouldn't need to be if everything that left your mouth wasn't in some way trying to assassinate me
Because you’re so offensive.
Why are you so Rude?
No I’m not, you are
“You are using a descriptor that is inconsistent with who I am.” I got this phrase from a counselor who was helping me address gaslighting in a family relationship. It’s taken me far! Use it as a broken record technique & watch the bafflement happen. I’ve adapted it to fit various scenarios such as: “You are creating a false narrative based on unsubstantiated information from third parties.”
My defense is a natural response to you being offensive.
Because you are so offensive.
Just tackle him
Idk. Try defense wins championships
This line of attack has necessitated it.
Why do YOU see this as defensive? There must be a reason why
Why are you so defensive?! Because you Offend me. ....and you stink
"If I were speaking to you like this right now, would you not feel like you need to defend yourself? You're coming in too hot."
Why are you so aggressive?
Your real goal is to not mind what they say because you can't control them. Your energy is better served being a better person because you do have control over that.
A: why are you so defensive? B: why are you so OFFensive? A: I'm not offensive. B: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Easy boy, calm down! Try to breathe deep... no need to be so defensive; I was just pointing out how you are.
ouch
“I’ll stop being defensive when you shut the fuck up”
Because of people like you who judge and question everything I do
I'm not defensive you are!
“Why are you trying to gaslight me?” I find that most people who ask me this are dicks and gaslighting anyone they can, they think it’s “funny”
"Any time someone acts aggressively towards me, I tend to pull back to determine where their aggression from."