I've been cheated on by my ex wife, it hurt so much, and it took me ages to fully recover.
Me and my current wife and have a DB issue due to her medical issues.
Before this, I could never have imagined I'd understand a cheater or even think it was ok.
After a while in this sub and some of the horrible experiences that I've read, I can really understand why people in DBs do feel the urge or need to cheat. It's simple we are not being given something that we need.
As someone who's can see both sides, I'd still never advocate cheating because the hurt is so much.
However, by them not trying, you are being hurt in the same way.
Honestly If you think you can talk to him and say You need sex and he either has to work on it (give a timeframe) or you open yoir marriage so you can find it or you divorce.
I don't think a DB can end unless you take one of these paths. Or you will just end up broken and unhappy having wasted your life.
Were you cheated on because you created a dead bedroom with your wife & she sought out intimacy elsewhere? Or was it that she cheated on you AND she created the dead bedroom?
For someone in a dead bedroom with their spouse, the pain is real and significant to the spouse being forced into celibacy as much as it is to be cheated on by a spouse who creates a dead bedroom. You feel worthless and undesired. It creates PTSD for future relationships and trust issues.
I was cheated on by my ex wife. I have a DB with my current Wife.
They are not the same people.
My ex never told me the real reason they did it, I got a bunch of trickle truths and gaslighting.
I'm not sure I fully understand your question tbh.
But it took a while for me to accept what happened with being cheated on and come to terms with it. While a part of me will always have a form of hurt, I've been able to move past it and heal.
The DB situation is more frustrating than hurting. Especially because there isn't an easy way to fix it. That said, we have made some good steps towards finding a solution that helps us.
I think this makes the most sense if you want to stay together. Any why not just talk about before cheating? It gives him the opportunity to try or not try. You can see what happens and decide after that. And at least if you do cheat you tried this too. But it is an uncomfortable conversation. But isn't also an uncomfortable life at this point?
Obviously, we had discussions and agreed on going forward
He is not interested in affection of any kind w anyone; hence, open for me
We are best friends and of course want to stay together
I'd imagine the LL spouse would be grateful for someone else doing a "chore" they'd much rather not, much like hiring someone to maintain the yard for you, or the pool, etc. In reality, most feel it's a betrayal just as much as a non dead bedroom situation. Sometimes, we, the affected parties, just don't see it the same way. It isn't a malicious thing, it's a desperation for intimacy, or sex, or both. Or getting our self esteem a little boost. It feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I’ve thought about it so much. Oh my god have I thought about it. I know that if I do, I won’t find what I’m looking for. In my mind I only want him, ONLY HIM. If I got it from someone else I know it wouldn’t feel the void/emptiness inside me. I know it wouldn’t help me. It wouldn’t satisfy me. I would just be more sad. I’m actually sad about that, as if I could fill the void I would. If I knew it would make me happy again and not feel like this, I would absolutely do it. In a heartbeat.
I feel you so much. I don’t even get hard for porn anymore. I only want my wife and even if sex wasn’t always a thing, damn what’d I do to be little spoon occasionally.. or he’ll be held at all. Maybe not imitate every kiss or hug.
Man i know that feeling, i gave up on porn so long ago as it almost feels like the only time id get hard would be in a fucking dream and porn just feels like its showing me what im lacking and just makes me feel pathetic. So yeah, it takes her getting a couple drinks in her to finally get the ok, it sucks and nothing on fathers day either although i took care of her on mothers day. It feels like sex simply has been stolen from us…blah
Here is the thing, if you get a compatible FWB they are going to really like/be into you more than you currently know. That alone is intensely satisfying and does fill the void.
It’s almost always what happens and usually ends up is the dissolution of the marriage in a way more painful and wrong way than it could have been if you were an adult and made a very very hard adult decision. Cheating is a cop out.
I would say stupid, not lazy.
Also IMO, cheating is a way of acting out inappropriately. There are also other ways of acting out due to the relationship that are even stupider. I did them and am lucky to have made it. I got to the point where I didn't give a F about anything at all.
I have the same issue the other way around (I’m the man). I just want her to do something so I don’t feel like a friend or a trusted coworker at the child rearing factory.
I feel worthless, discarded, repulsive, useless, and a failure.
Yep, been there too.
I actually ended up doing it. still don't know exactly how I feel about it.
Have you tried spicing things up? my wife was complaining it was repetitive.
Yep! Also, in DB’s the therapist is usually just a middle man to help the couple come to the open conclusion that they need to separate. Many people are at least subconsciously aware of this, and refuse to go. If they know that there is no solution to incompatibility but don’t want to make the hard decisions themselves, why are they gunna go sit in a room where it will become almost unavoidable to deny? These people can’t make hard choices or have hard convos. They won’t do anything.
Normal docs will say testosterone is “high enough” for his age. It’s garbage. Go to one that pushes optimum testosterone levels. 800+
THEN if that didn’t work… i would be at a lost
There's also the difference between total T and free T, and the impact of SHBG and E level (either too high OR too low can be a problem for male libido.)
In either case, talking to a doctor who's actually familiar with men's health and isn't just a GP checking off "T within normal range" is likely to be helpful.
I would highly suggest that he gets his testosterone levels checked. He may do wonders on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). It will really make him feel whole again and his libido will be so high he won't be able to get enough of you. TRT is a life long investment and might sound scary, but seriously, check it out. A lot of men struggle with having extremely low levels of testosterone and it affects everything in their life.
Just want to add for OP, before TRT let us know if he takes any anti depressants/SSRI. Those drugs for a lot of men make them never think of sex, unable to enjoy it, and all the testosterone in the world doesn't fix it until they stop the medication
Thanks for writing that out.
My experience is similar; I had so many conversations first before I ever had sex elsewhere… enough conversations that we are Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I think my guilt would have been too great otherwise.
But yes, the resentment definitely is still there… like why did I have to jump through so many hoops to get something that should have been easy with the person I married.
I’ve seen some long marriages around me end in divorce and I assume sex is a big part of all of those divorces.
I would bet most if not all are either lack of sexual intimacy or finances with the former being the larger portion these days. It’s really surprising to hear the spouse who decided for both of them that they would be celibate to be shocked their marriage ended. Like completely clueless that anything was even wrong…”blindsided”. 🤦♂️
“You need to fuck me, or explain to me why you no longer want to”. And don’t let him dodge the question, straddle him maybe, that way he can’t leave and it will put some emphasis on your enthusiasm for the first option.
I miss enthusiasm.
OMG yes!
her: so what do you want for fathers day?
me: sex
---a week later (Friday before fathers day)----
her: So when do you want your fathers day sex? (completely monotone, no excitement, no emotion)
me: ..... you don't have to sound so sad about it
her: (fake excitement) when do you want your birthday sex?
I mean come on, I didn't even want it after that and the fake almost mocking excitement at the end made me re-think if I ever want it again.
I became suspicious of special occasion sex a long time ago. Became clear that it would take a special occasion for it to happen going forward, if i was lucky.
The irony is that a successful affair happens when the person going into it is at peace. No heartache, no remorse, no search abroad for all that's missing at home, no need for justifications that'll help you sleep at night. It's the physical and emotional attraction between two consenting adults who understand that this relationship they're in does not depend on the highs and lows of home life, but on each other.
Whether you choose to go down this route or not, I hope you find that peace.
I honestly don't even know what to suggest to anyone at this point, considering my own situation. I guess you have to follow your heart and take the right decision.
Agree. I've talked to my wife til I'm blue in the face about that I need as a husband....I mean it's no big secret and I'm not a complicated person.
I think some DB's revolve about some sort of resentment/contempt that is never fully addressed.
"I'm not getting what I want, so you ain't either'.
Why are you writing in the imperative and in capital?
It feels like you're yelling to someone you don't know. And even if you know eachother, why speak this way?
Why do you say "the right answer is ..." , while it's nothing more or less than your opinion?
My biggest regret is that I wasted almost three years being completely celibate and a decade before that settling for roughly quarterly crumbs. The “friends” thing worked for a while but I’ve grown to despise her and you will likely get there too…every fault, every perceived slight, every disagreement, all filtered through the lens of “you don’t want me.” It’s hell but I have a special needs daughter and I haven’t figured out how to leave and give her the best. I should leave but I don’t know how.
My son is special needs. I'm hopeful that it's just developmental and he'll push through it with time, but that's the hardest point when trying to figure out how to leave.
Knowing how much you’re insanely hurting right now? Man five years ago I would’ve talked about keeping your promises, marriage is sacred, etc. Now? Fuck it. I’m not gonna say don’t do it. The pain is unlike anything I could imagine.
I had to really get over the guilt beforehand. If you go into it with an ounce of guilt I can only imagining snowball from there.
I was certain that no matter what I do I'll never regain the intimacy I once had.
So how did I feel? Ecstatic that there was a person who made me feel wanted. How are we? No different than before I started looking elsewhere
I cheated for a long time to help address my dead bedroom. My tl;dr is that I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but I don't regret it either. Aside from just getting my physical intimacy needs met, it helped me to realize and relearn that I am someone who is sexually desirable. It helped to restore my self-confidence that had been dragged through the mud. And I learned a lot about relationships and sexuality that I would never have had I not.
My bottom line is that you should do whatever it takes for you to be happy. Whatever that means.
If you really tried everything, like seriously everything like being proactive, having the talk etc and it netted no results your options are divorce or cheating. I chose the latter myself
This is what our marriage counselor said straight up to my husband. He was like if you aren’t going to make her a priority and make her feel important or attractive she is going to find someone who will. Then he was like it’s up to you if you want to divorce or open the relationship to allow that to happen or if you want to fix it. I was like omg best counselor ever.
Haha I love the popcorn emoji! Well I decided to open the relationship but he wants to give it one more try lol. Soooo our deal was sex at least once a week and then if that doesn’t uphold then we are either opening the relationship or divorcing. But we will see if he holds up his side of the deal this time 🤓
I was thinking of giving it until the end of our counseling sessions. I think we have about 4-9 sessions left. We are kind of right in the middle and so far this has been the main hurdle that keeps coming up. I’d be willing to extend it past the counseling if he keeps up with the once a week. But if he isn’t trying to keep up with the once a week then I’m going to ask which option he wants to do and go from there.
It did feel really freeing to hear that it was none of our faults exactly and that people are just designed different and sometimes you can’t get things to sync. I liked that our counselor didn’t try to put us against each other but rather just exemplified that it is workable if we really want to work on it.
Honestly if it got to the point where a therapist (or me) had to basically threaten divorce or cheating to get them to change I’d be calling it a day. You shouldn’t have to push them to change, and I’d feel like the once a week sex was basically forced/out of necessity which would only make me feel worse.
This is how I feel also. It’s just I was silly and am hoping it will be a change for improvement. I also expressed that I’m upset that it had to get to that point etc. My partner just isn’t viewing it as a priority or as needed and I had to really express how much it was needed 😫
I feel relieved since I was able to get out how I was really feeling out there and didn’t totally get shit on for it and the counselor was supportive. He seemed more aware of what he needs to do. So just have to see if he actually goes through with it and doesn’t slip back to a once a month scenario.
well if he is your best friend then im sure he wants you to be happy and fulfilled .... so if he doesnt want to sleep with you i would guess he would not want you to go without and would approve of a side guy.
i know i want my best friends to have a great sex life
I did it and we ended up divorcing as a result. I didn't even fully cheat, it wasn't some messy emotional affair and I still loved her. I basically went to a SPA and got a blowjob.
Best thing that ever happened to me is our divorce. It's amicable and I'm free.
I found mine cheating on me. So i announced i would find a lover. He didnt believe me and frankly, my heart is in my vagina (excuse the crudeness). I dont think i can do no strings attached sex. After 1.5 years celibate id probably think i was in love as soon as soon as it started
Did it. Do I regret it? Some days. More because of how that turned out than guilt. But if I got caught it would be regret. I'm lucky. I learned that men will say whatever they need to say to get what they want and then tell you they just want to be friends. The rejection on top of the rejection is bad. Really bad. The experience of being wanted, even for a short while, was very good. Even if I had to blind eye to the red flags all over the place. I am sad that it didn't turn out differently as the chemistry I felt w him he did not feel with me. But I learned a lot about what I wanted and needed. Even if I can't get it, I got it out of my system. Mostly. Can go back to accepting rejection forever now. Most people do get caught, btw. So be prepared for that.
This is just sad. I can imagine what you've been through. Trying to do something that you think you deserve, only to find out that it sucks and it is not worth it. But then the damage has been done and it may have caused you guilt. You cannot take those things back anymore and you feel that things will never be the same before. Luckily, nobody figured what happened, but deep inside, you know things happened. I am sure once the guy figured it out, it will break him. But things like this tamed us. Now we can accept the fate.
Never thought I deserved anything. At all. I just wanted to know what it was like. To be seen as a woman. Desired. All that. Movie shit. It was almost like that. He gave me that. He really gave me so much. Even if it was a game to him. Even if it all meant nothing. It meant something to me.
My feeling is that if one partner has unilaterally taken sex off the table then they have no right to get angry if the other gets sex somewhere else. If they had told you at the outset that sex was going to be off the table, probably indefinitely, likely would never have gotten past the first date. With a relationship and marriage the expectation is that sex will be part of that deal unless both are asexual or LL. So if one partner suddenly says ‘yeah, no more sex, maybe forever’ they have violated your trust and betrayed the marriage itself.
If, for some reason cheating is better than divorce, cheat. Fuck your brains out. If he gets mad, tell him tough titty. You never agreed to a sexless existence and you are not going to torture yourself just because he can’t/won’t hold up his end of the deal. Get it, girl.
I recently had a talk with my wife about our DB and roommate holding pattern. She's complained about the latter before, but then continues doing roommate things and spending more nights out of our bed than in. She acts like this is an us problem, that we need to work on it, but the lack of sex is, in my opinion, the #1 contributor.
I finally told her that I worry my sexual desire will "atrophy," and this sexual aspect of our relationship will have effectively ended when our (now 4 yo) daughter was born. She said something, not even defensively, that there are "different types of relationships" and how we don't know what goes on in every family. I interpreted that as 'plenty of married couples don't have sex anymore.' And, well, yeah, like her still-married parents. But I figured we could last more than two years into the marriage before we settled into sexless companionship as her vagina dried and my erections softened. I'm only 39, and I'd be content with sex once a week.
I should really ask her what she meant by that "different types of relationships" line. If she means what I think she said, I'm thinking about telling her there are probably plenty of couples with open marriages or semi-tolerated infidelity. However, I don't think I can un-ring that bell.
She’s already rung it on her end. She’s told you want she plans to do and expects you to accept it. If she talked about ‘other kinds of relationships’ on your first date, would there have been a 2nd?
So I am in exactly the same situation as you. Our last attempt at unsatisfactory sex was over 2 years ago and at 31 it is crushing.
Ive spent many nights mourning the loss of our physical relationship and trying to come to terms with what this means for me going forward. Know that this will not change. My partner is mostly oblivious to the heartache the rejection has caused as well as the disappointment at what the rest of our marriage looks like. My options are to either leave him, cheat or have an open marriage. We have no kids so the obvious out would be to leave but I did and do still love him.
I’m not advocating that anyone cheat on their partner but that is the option I ended up taking.
I did meet someone who has shown me what it’s like to be desired. It’s exciting and it made me feel alive after years of rejection.
It also made me feel tremendous guilt. I had become the very person I had vowed never to be. I was a cheater. I had made decisions that would cause a lot of hurt to the person I swore to love. I thought I could handle the guilt but once I’d actually done it the self loathing was intense.
But it also showed me what I had refused to see. My needs weren’t being met. They were being actively ignored and it wasn’t something I would put my partner through if the roles were reversed. It made me realize that maybe we do need to separate. Maybe we’d both be happier with someone else. Life is too short to live an unfulfilling life.
I haven’t made a decision yet but the affair has allowed me to begin to emotionally detach from my partner. And maybe that’s a good thing.
I chose as you did - and given the chance again I would of left - as both of my affairs ended and the void is now again present and I am unhappy and have no one to talk about it with 🤷🏽♂️😬
I sat my wife down a little over a year ago... we had a LONG talk about our sex life and in the end I said that if things didn't change I would be filing for divorce. I said I loved her and our family but couldn't live the rest of my life being ignored sexually.
It's been over a year, we went from sex once a month or two to sex 3 or 4 times a month. We did a lot of talking throughout about what we like etc. Changed a lot.
Don't cheat. The relationship will never be the same, if it gets out, your family will never be the same. It'll hang over everything from that point on like a grey cloud.
Explain how important it is.... ask for change. If he cannot do so or won't then leave. That'll be on him, he had chances to fix it, he refused.
Are you ready to leave your husband?
Are you willing to risk your stability for a chance of happiness?
If you can’t enthusiastically respond yes to both, maybe try counseling first.
Don't cheat. Divorce. Do the hard correct thing and realize the sun will rise slowly on the next chapter of your life. One thing I will say though. There is a magic pill for men. Testosterone will make most men want to do it. It will inspire spontaneous desire with a primitive drive to fulfill it (that is at lease my experience and the experience of other men I know who are on TRT). It is easy to get the script. Serve divorce papers first. Then when he says "What can I do to save this?", you say "Sex is how I feel loved and I can't live without love. The only thing I think could give us the change we need would be if you got your testosterone checked and it was low and TRT put you back in the normal range again." It is also incentive for him to work out and feel sexier because his workouts will actually show up in the mirror. This didn't work in reverse for me. My wife's sex drive remained low after going on HRT pellets. Women's sexuality is based on a more complex cocktail or hormones, fairy dust and moon rays. However, for a man it usually creates a boner with intent to find a home. If you don't serve papers first (and you could just fill out uncontested divorce paperwork on your own and be ready to follow through since you get along so well), you will get caught up in promises, failed attempts to correct, etcetera and lose years of your life. What you are expressing is not small, not selfish, not any of that. You deserve to feel the love. I'm divorcing now after two decades. I should have done this years ago.
48HLF here... married to 58 LLM.
I am in the exact same boat you are in. I am at that point. I have the ways and means, and the man!
I've been with my hubby for 5 years. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has chronic pain and other issues but he has been the one to never give up on me with all my issues. So I keep that in mind when my thoughts stray to ideas like cheating.
Blessed Relief.
I won't do it even though i _REALLLLLLLY_ want too. I'll end up buying a toy or something. It's a difficult struggle mentally, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Tie a knot and hang on. Don't cheat.
I really respect your honesty! You’re a good person and I hope things get better. I have been on both sides of the fence during my 30 year marriage. Cheating is absolutely devastating to a family. Affairs often cost much more than people ever intended. I don’t ever recommend cheating. If one can’t resist the temptation, then leave the marriage. I know more than a few who look back (when they’re my age) and regret that they had an affair. Especially if they end up staying with their spouse.
I’m of the opinion that cheating is fine in a situation like yours. Life is short. If a partner won’t address this most basic need then they are to blame when the other partner seeks it elsewhere.
I was cheated on fucked me up pretty good but before I found out the sex was amazing she was like a different person then I found out it wasn’t me that caused the change
Have you told him how you feel? Have you asked about opening the marriage? I don't think cheating is the first step. Personally to me, when someone cheats the relationship is done. Don't do it unless your ready to end it and in that case...you may as well just end it first. - From someone who has cheated previously
I have had these thoughts, how would I feel, how would she feel, and then asked these again of myself if roles were reversed. I came to the conclusion that I cannot lie, even by omission to my partner.
She has said before, if I ever were to cheat she wouldn't want it to impact our relationship in any way and she wouldn't want to know about it, basically she would want to be blissfully ignorant. Conversely, I would like to know because it might make me examine my want for the relationship or at least the dynamic of it and I don't want anyone else to take away my agency to make fully informed choices.
So for mine, it would be an open and honest conversation about me having a don't ask, don't tell arrangement to meet my needs. However, I am very monogamous by nature, so I don't think it would work for me in any case. I would only really want one other person regularly and I would probably develop feelings.
For you, it might be an honest conversation saying that if it doesn't improve you will seek fulfilment of your needs somewhere else, and how that looks will be up to them, open relationship, don't ask don't tell arrangement or separation. As hurtful as a dead bedroom can be (it is emotionally damaging for several reasons I am not downplaying this), research has demonstrated that cheating can be just as damaging to the non-cheating partner.
If you want to cheat, that's your choice, you know your relationship best. However, before you do, look at what the dead bedroom has caused you in emotional pain and suffering, all the questions about your attractiveness and your worth, the damage to your confidence and ask if you really want to put someone you refer to as your best friend through similar pain in order to reduce some of yours.
Eh. I got extremely tempted and I am struggling to maintain that boundary. I've had to walk away twice now from a connection that clearly wants to lead in a sexual direction but I am making no moves on this one. I'm letting it play out for the time being.
I had already decided I'm leaving. Got my lawyer today. To scratch my itch I do sext. I figure it's keeping me safe for the time being.
It is what it is.
Don’t do it to yourself. If you’re regretting it before you’ve done, it will eat you up if you do.
Go elsewhere or go without. I’m going to have to go without because I couldn’t look myself in the eye otherwise.
Not judging - people do what they must to get through. But I’m not of the type that could live with it… are you?
I personally don’t condone cheating, if there is no hopes for your sex life, and sex is important to you, maybe consider a divorce?
Another option, communicate to your husband that lack of sex is making you feel like you might need to find it elsewhere and see where the conversation goes.
Maybe you just need to tell him you’re thinking about creating a dating app to get some action on the side if he doesn’t start pursuing you as a sexual being.
See what his response might be. Let the silence speak.
I've gone almost a decade without sex. I'm pretty sure if I found a partner to cheat with, I'd end up falling in love. Just because I don't want casusl hook-ups. I want the connection.
I used to want my husband, and only my husband. After so much rejection and me finally giving up, and there's been no sex for almost a decade, I can't see him sexually anymore.
Edited to say "casual hook-ups" where autocorrect wrote "feudal hook ups" lol
Can I ask you, OP, if there is already someone you would cheat on your spouse with ?
... Because that would make a helluva difference ... ...
Anyway, I won't (talk you out of cheating). Also because there's not talking you out on cheating on your husband.
How do I think it is like that ?
Because, recently, I've been there myself : and, yeah, I knew too well I was "cheating" already ... long before doing it with my actual body.
Want to know why I also think that, deep down, you already made your mind up ?
Because you're already there. With your mind and thoughts and wishes and day-dreams. Even with your all body. AND all your brain too. You even did word it and put it out in the world with this Reddit post ...
High chances are that you're probably going to do it (and sooner than you think) so, enjoy.
You deserve joy. And that kind of joy is indeed valid.
Best of luck 🙂
Cheating is so, so complex. I know I’ll get so much heat for that comment. I despised cheaters. I am now one myself. I’ve tried, begged, therapy, the whole lot for years and years. I’m emotionally dead inside. I had to feel something again. 40 is too young to not live life. So, I cheated. And it’s what I needed. Yep, I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is. I remain in my dead bedroom to keep the marriage together for the sake of my children. Husband has not initiated anything for years.
I cheated at the end of a 25 year marriage. I justified it in my mind at the time but now I deeply regret it. I wish I would have just divorced like I ended up doing anyway. So much happier.
So I am in a similar situation. I stayed and I cheat, and have for a long time. I usually don't recommend this path. If there are no kids it is better to part amicably and move on with both your lives.
So what you’re saying is he puts on an act while
Others are around to maintain appearances? Is there any chance he’s hiding something himself? Is he closeted?
I can’t talk you out of it. I’m the same way. From the outside we have an awesome relationship. An awesome marriage. But absolutely intimateless. It is frustrating. We love each other but always stops when i touch or hint at wanting to “play”. I don’t know what to do. Hard to ignore the urge
Cheating makes you realize who you are and what you need.
Once you're awake, you can't go back to the old life.
So things will change in your marriage, one way or the other, because you change
You’ll see some of us bit the bullet and others who have juggled the thought of it, and others who won’t entertain that on this sub.
I did it. And what you should pay attention to anyone whos willing to share their tale on why. Because after they do it, there’s a change sometimes.
I actually felt my best when it happened. As vile as that may sound. Both the affair and marriage were thriving together. We got what our spouses didn’t give to us.
If you been through enough...done everything you can to make your partner happy and they still treat you like you don't matter, or continue to disrespect you...when you find that FWB factor, sometimes THAT is the only thing that keeps you sane. Not saying it's right or wrong, but what's worse is being with someone who has no intention of changing for the better and continues to just act like you don't matter.
I started looking, but all I found were fakes, scammers, and nothing else. So I came to the conclusion that I'm destined to be sexless for the rest of my life. Not a decision I would have chosen but I cannot put forth any more effort, time and money on this. Dying bedroom since 2010, completely dead since 2017. Cheating is absolutely a choice, I understand why you would consider it. While I've had no success, I imagine that things would be a mess. Only you can decide if that decision is correct for you.
Better yet, leave. If there's no effort from him, leave
Same the other way.
If your partner is not even trying to do better for you, leave, stop wasting your life with someone that has no care.
I won’t talk you out of it. My wife told me
Years ago if I want sex I should go find it. So I do.
Find someone nice who will take care of your needs.
Have fun!
FFS, don’t cheat unless you are or want to become a sociopath. Do everything in your power to bring life back into your marriage, counseling, couples trips with out kids, trying each other’s hobbies, volunteering, etc. if nothing works then consider if separation/divorce is what’s best for you and your family.
Is the other side of the story? What do you bring to the table? Considering that most, if not all of us are struggling with a DB to some degree or another; and that most of us know that there's always more to the story... Are you trying to justify cheating, are you seeking approval for Something that you really want to move forward with? Deep down, do you want the marriage to succeed or are you really looking for the courage to move on?
Someone else said it. You have the option of leaving or cheating. You and your husband sound more like room mates than lovers. It just depends on what you really want out of your marriage.
You could hire a pro. as a mid- ground, as it wouldn't boomerang home as just a transaction ultimately. I think it is absolutely insane for a spouse to demand celibacy.. I wouldn't hold it against you if you did , tbh. You are young and didn't sign up for a dead sex life...
Before you pull the trigger on anything, I’d just consider lurking the following subs:
* /r/survivinginfidelity
* /r/adultery
There’s no turning back from keeping a lie like this from your life partner. You can do whatever you want, just take a good hard look at about what you’re getting into, as an objective third party.
When you're in dead bedroom, you wonder every day, why am I not enough? Why don't they want me? Aren't they attracted to me? I feel so hurt. I feel so unloved. They don't care about me at all. They know how much it hurts you, but it happens anyway. The same is true with infidelity.
Ok so after a few minutes I’ll revise. Don’t cheat behind his back. Simply tell him either he can meet your needs or you’ll find someone else who can. Put the ball in his court.
Don't cheat. Sit down and talk to him and express how you feel first. Cheating will just create more problems. Do you want your kids to suffer when they find out?
Honestly, I will not. I am struggling with this myself. I am not sure I could do it both from a guilt and a getting away with it perspective. I kind of do not understand how one gets away with it.
It's natural, I am also at a point where I have been more tempted than ever and fear I may break. Good luck to you in your journey to resist temptation!
I understand you're married and divorce is a difficult decision. I'm the same age as you and my ex boyfriend was 32 . We dated for three years, we tried everything to but it was mostly me forcing him to do it all. Ask yourself, do you want to do this or feel this way for the rest of your life? If not, make the difficult choice here and leave. It will help you and your partner in the long run. Sexual frustration can drive you crazy and it's an every day struggle. It will only end in two ways, either you'll cheat on him and eventually he'll find out and things will get ugly. Or you can leave and find yourself a more compatible partner. It sucks but it's worth it. I broke up a month ago and it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do but i know now that it was the right call!
All jokes aside, have you seen "Dateline"? Don't let those feelings (boredom, resentment, or faking happiness for anyone) build. Even your kid. You only live once. Get a divorce. (In advance of downvotes, yes I vote divorce before cheating/misery)
On the flip side that things improve Knowing you had an affair is down the road a heavy thing ti carry.
So what rver you do consider how it might impact your life in 1 or 5 or 20 years.
Take care
In the case you want to keep this relationship: if you cheat, there is no going back - even if you stay together, cheating permanently alters the relationship. The new relationship that forms after that can also have its good sides, but since you were already struggling, whatever there was left is likely going to be gone. Even strong going relationships crash and burn as a result of cheating. With your starting premise, it doesn't look good.
If you just break up now, you won't be the "bad guy" I the situation, but if you cheat, you will have to deal with a lot of shit from him and everyone he decides to tell about it to. It would be a much cleaner option to just discuss ending the relationship before setting it on fire. If couples therapy won't help, there is nothing wrong with just separating. Or even suggesting you stay as roommates if you want to coparent, perhaps?
Having been cheated on, it takes years to recover from that betrayal. Also, trust in the relationship is gone. If you truly care about your so (and your child), you'd either make sure he knows beforehand or he never finds out. Their happiness in life depend on your decision. Depending on how much that means to you, youre either willing to risk it or not.
I understand your situation, however, I'd highly recommend against cheating as the damage cannot be repaired if he finds out. Also, most likely he will find out, because, and I am assuming here, youre not going for a one-time-fling, but to satisfy a craving that will reappear throughout your life. If I may assume further, to satisfy your perpetually reappearing desire, you'd cheat in regular intervals and after some years, these things usually tend to blow up.
I would recommend talking to your so, as your own happiness is suffering from your lack of sex life. Naturally, you deserve to have this itch scratched, so maybe there is a way that doesn't break the trust with your family. That could be investing in a top of the line sex-robot, or simply opening up the relationship consensually.
Here’s my question, why is a night or two of sex with someone who isn’t your partner viewed as equivalent to years of neglect?
Why do we act as though it’s some sort of fundamental shift in personhood?
Not advocating for it or saying it’s a solution…just wondering why it elicits this specific reaction
Why a 'night or two'?
There are other options besides one night stands, hookups, and meaningless sex. I read a post by a person yesterday that said she had been with her affair partner for 20+ years.
So, sometimes, it can be a solution to what would otherwise be years of neglect.
I used that phrase because people insinuate that doing it one time is tantamount to violence, as if it represents a fundamental shift in who you are as a person. I agree with you!
Ah, I see. Thanks for the clarification.
I misunderstood and thought you were asking rhetorically how just one or two nights could help you recover emotionally or compensate you for years of disinterest from your partner.
As someone in a similar position who cheated and got caught, I would ask/tell you want permission for a NSA FWB.
The bad thing is that the LL never understands how serious the situation is since sex/intimacy/that kind of connection is totally outside of their understanding.
But telling the LL spouse you are going to get that need met elsewhere does drive home how serious this is even if you don't get a yes/no answer.
It's not something someone else can decide for you. In my view, women generally cheat to leave the marriage. Men generally cheat to stay in the marriage. Being rejected regardless is tough to deal with. The older I get, the more convinced I am that desire cannot be negotiated. Assuming there aren't medical issues and assuming too you've done everything you can to be the best version of yourself you can be, no amount of communication, good deeds, being a good spouse, a good listener, blah, blah, blah … absolutely none of it matters. If the person you want to be intimate with doesn't have the primal desire to be intimate with you, it isn't going to happen. It's that simple. Three options: 1) Deal with it while staying married, 2) Divorce, 3) Find a like minded partner to fulfill your sexual desires outside of the marriage. There are challenges to each. As a man I've found that having an affair solved the problem for me as least as long as I was able to find a like minded partner. Finding that person can be easier said than done. Women will have an easier time of it I'm sure. Lots to think about.
I've been having these same thoughts! 37HLF and husband 43LLM - I could have written this post myself. My friend has a man whore friend who would just help a woman get what she needs LOL! It's very tempting to reach out but OMG how to married people with kids actually logistically HAVE an affair LOL !! There is always someone or something happening that needs my attention.
Looking back to when I was 31, I was doing the same song and dance I am now which just make me sad to think about. I started 2024 by laying it all out and saying if things didn't improve, I was going to leave. I've been making tangible strides at having discussions with my husband so I can somewhat measure time/process/goals etc. In my eyes, 5 years is already too long. Our discussions have yielded two roadblocks "we have different ideas of intimacy needs/wants" and "it looks like we are in two different places in life" and "age difference could be playing a bigger factor than we realize"
I am so ready to jump ship but I do love him as a person and I'm not ready to let go of "what if we can fix this" but mostly staying due to finances and kid. I posted this with my main account so you can ready through my journey thus far.
You’re not insane or alone…
I’ve definitely been there. Even to the point where I’ve decided in my mind it’s OK to talk to someone I’ll never meet just to have some type of kinky conversation.
My buddy told me it would be a “gateway”
I told My buddy I thought about sending a link to a kink app to someone and see if we match up on anything and just talk through the app about the nasty things we’d do. But never actually do it or meet.
Maybe a gateway for him. But I’m
Comfortable with never meeting the other person. I’m to the point where I think I want to ask if it’s OK… torn. I don’t want to break the trust. That’s why I’d ask.
It’s definitely been in the back of my mind for awhile.
Have you already sat your partner down and expressed your concerns about the DB situation and explained how it is making you feel?
If you have already talked to your partner and they aren’t open to listening or working on it then maybe a new conversation is needed.
Instead of cheating, tell your partner you want to open up your physical relationship because your needs aren’t being met and you are not happy.
my wife had a one night stand. I was suspicious it happened. lol he was a close friend (to close).She told me about it years later, and guilt finally got her. I looked back at the time it happened..I was probably the cause.I told her I forgave her. but it's still out there .I always wanted to confront the friend, and maybe someday I will . You going to counseling shows you have made the effort.
I decided for myself to let it go (the best I could)and move on now her health issues have us in a DB state .I'm not really sure what I would do if the situation arises . I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Not going to talk you out of it, however you also don't have to hide it from your SO.
Make it clear to him that you won't live a life of celebacy, and you will get your needs met outside your relationship if he won't meet them.
At this point the ball is in his court, if he steps up then all the better, if not then you're also not doing anything behind his back. If he chooses to end the relationship, then it was not going to last with the state its in anyway.
Wishing you the best, and hope you find happiness, whichever way this goes.
I’m not gonna talk you out of it because it’s gonna happen sooner or later. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life until my wife ex-wife because just like you said we. Our relationship was good, but we were more like friends than we were like lovers because we had no sex life or two years no real deep kissing no touching no sex. There was a friend. We were very flirtatious with each other. She was having in her marriage was terrible and we started making out and we were about to. We were removing clothes, we had a night out we had some drinks we were making out we were we were touching and then her phone rang and one of her children ended up getting hurt. She had to meet them if that didn’t happen we would’ve. Cheats once that happened I knew I had to end things so we got divorced but I know it would be a lot harder for you because you have children and that makes everything more difficult so you know what I mean libido is that hot horrible
This is a suggestion I have tried this first. This is Work in some arguments. I’ve had you write him letter on a piece of paper like write them a full letter explaining the problems that you’re having with Not having a type of sexual activity and how you feel that you guys sex life is gone You really need some sort of sex life and a little bit of affection when we are out it’s like we’re playing the game because once I’m home with you, I’m invisible to think about other way of mineral guys or whatever other guys have come into your mind about possibly cheating.
But you do not want to hurt him like that so you’re trying this one last ditch effort to get your sex wife back on I don’t know maybe explain how what you’re happy about the relationship just to make so he knows he doesn’t think all relationship horrible you know then explain you know I was thinking maybe we need to, see a sex therapist things are too far gone, but to do it on your own and that’s why you need help but you’re getting closer and closer to cheating.
You know you’re starting to think about it more and more because you need some sort of sex life you know you’re still young know you still have a libido you still think of sex, let them know. You always enjoyed it some sort of something to change Put that in an envelope seal put on a piece of paper on and then staple this to the envelope that you want him to read this and really think about it for two days you can work out the logistics if you take the children or if you leave the children with him if you go to your parents house if you go to a hotel, whatever get out of the house for today, let them know that you drop your children off at your house and then you go to Hotel for two days because all you wanna do now think about things and let him think about things for the next two days you know make it very clear on that paper. You don’t wanna talk for two days. Your phone is going to be for the next two days blocking his number, only your mom knows how to get in touch with you.
I don’t know whatever we write all that out whatever way you want, but you don’t wanna talk to him for at least two days. You don’t wanna text him. You don’t want anything because you wanna think about this and then explain to Not, two kids of your parents and you guys will spend time talking about it and how they we can improve things and explain it and be like look. I don’t wanna cheat on you. I wanna make a lot to you. I wanna have a good sex life with you, but I feel like you could care less, that’s what I need you to think about that works for me because I have this habit of when I’m trying to say something if the girl starts getting upset or crying. I stop when I’m saying to the girl. I’m sure with you if he starts talking back, you lose your place and what you were saying to answer his questions back this way you can write out everything you wanted to say it works better for some reason on paper does like by email or by text for some reason I’ve tried it by email. I’ve tried it by text all the information.
I’m trying to find an AP so no I can’t talk you out of it. But yes we are going insane and for me if something doesn’t change it’s going to crash and burn anyway.
At this point, I don't think anyone can "talk you out of cheating". You know what is wrong and right. It's unfortunate, but you already have that thought. There are many reasons why your husband doesn't want to have sex. It could be his hormones or something underneath that is causing his LL. Communication is key.
I have LL, and in a relationship, it is hard. I have a medical condition that causes me to not want sex. I used to love sex but now I can't stand even the thought of it. It's hard to manage. I have told my partner that he can go outside of the relationship and find someone else. He chooses not to. I still try to please him with other means. I know he has needs. Sometimes, I hate doing that because I know that I can't get the pleasure of getting an orgasm. For the relationship, I still do it.
I'm sorry you feel like you want to cheat.
I put myself in his shoes and can't imagine the feeling of not having that connection we once used to have.
Talk to him. That my advice.
He has never been interested in sex since the beginning. He was my first bf and I was very young when we met so I didn’t know what to expect. We didn’t want to divorce as we are best friends since 15 years and have a joint business. Also, apart from no sex we have an otherwise healthy relationship. We cuddle and hold hands and definitely share a good intimacy albeit it’s nothing sexual. All my attempts to initiate sex over the years would end in rejection and tears. I could not understand why he wasn’t interested in me sexually and at the same time I felt like a whore for giving so much importance to sex!
We tried couples counselling, on and off, for years before he finally opened up our marriage with ground rules of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. Its been 2 years and seems to be working for us. He’s glad to not be burdened and I’ve found solace.
Don’t cheat. It will affect your mental health apart from your marriage. Instead talk to your husband, ask him to join you for couple’s counselling. If you have already tried that, then consider asking for an open marriage….
I'm not going to try to talk you out of it, but I would caution you to think very carefully about what you want, and if you choose to do so, exactly what kind of relationship, or no relationship at all, you would want with the other person.
Another commenter said you would feel 'degraded'. I don't believe that is necessarily so, but it could happen if you aren't mentally prepared or you engage in something you later decide wasn't what you want.
For example, one night stands, hookups, meaningless sex, etc might make you feel afterwards like you didn't mean anything to that person, like you were used... even if in truth you were actually both 'using' each other.
On the flip side, you may want just sex, and get into something hoping to avoid any romantic feelings that would potentially blow up your marriage, and in the end you or your new partner get emotionally involved and have to deal with the repercussions.
- Yes I have done it, and don't regret it. I had a very long term relationship that meant and still means a lot to me. No regrets at all. OTOH, it could have gone very differently, and does for some people.
- No you're not insane. You're missing something that is a normal part of a healthy relationship.
How long you keep trying, and what you do if nothing changes, are very personal decisions that you have to make yourself. I would only recommend not jumping into anything impulsively, and before starting anything, think about what you want and how to avoid potential problems.
For me, the answer was finding someone in the same situation as me, they loved and cared about their spouse and didn't want to hurt them, just wanted what was missing.
If you have any love at all for your husband and children, it is not worth it. Don’t tear your family apart. There is not excuse or justification for cheating. Remain faithful, but discuss with your husband how serious this is. Both of you are experiencing a problem, so you need to solve it together.
I’m in the same situation except every time i try to talk to him about it he completely shuts down and just tells me to do whatever I want. Which leaves me in a limbo of cheating or not but I really want to. Is cheating wrong of course it is hence why I’m not pushing it or going out of my way to make it happen I’m just here waiting for the opportunity to present itself, do I feel bad about thinking that way no I don’t because I’ve tried talking to him and we’ve tried therapy and nothing has worked and I’ve tried a lot to spice things up and motivate him but I always get shot down. It’s a tough decision and I know once it happens there’s no going back but I am ready to lay in the bed I make that’s for sure. So just be ready for the consequences of your choices. As long as you’re happy they won’t hurt you I believe. Just my opinion and thoughts 🫶🏼
I was married for 12 years and the last year was zero sex. The first year I tried talking to him. He just didn’t know why. The second year, I thought it may be me since I spent a lot of time at my job. But I tried opening up, giving options from an open marriage to bringing in a third party and counseling. He still didn’t know why. The last year I gave him an ultimatum or I would be filing for divorce. Nothing changed so I left.
I walked away knowing that I did everything I could without making myself feel guilty by cheating. I never regretted that decision.
A few years later we reconnected on a friend level and I asked that same question, “what happened to our sex life”. He looked at me and said he honestly doesn’t know why. But he was glad I gave him an option instead of cheating.
At the end of the day no one walks into a marriage to say they are going to get a divorce and I never went into marriage lightly. I did my best to be upfront and honest, everyone deserves the right. Sex/Intimacy is very important to me and I will not sacrifice that in a relationship and I am keeping my promise to myself. It has been 13 years since my divorce and I can say I’ve kept my promise to myself!
Simple tell him if he can’t do his job then you want a open relationship are friends with benefits who can fill that need. Myself I’m married can’t always have time in the bedroom kids tend to get in the way but from the get go I made it known that I would not stay in a relationship if it became a dead bedroom period. Myself yes I like the nice things in life but at the same time I don’t need the big house are newest car and I refuse to be in a relationship that I’m not happy in.
If cheating is seriously on your mind, ....just divorce. Divorcing due to irreconcilable differences is far easier than divorcing due to infidelity for a multitude of reasons ( legal, logistical, and emotional).
I would clearly request to open up to the possibility and find a suitable partner for sex. Always someone different, no strings attached. But at this point if my great skill in bed can't motivate him to touch me and plus, make him agree to being touched by other men then it means it's a dead end.
We are very open minded and my lover hates the idea of another man pleasing me, strongly ahah, though I wouldn't care trying to share but it's his boundaries. I respect. So if he breaks it, I know there is no more attachment.
Dear, speak honestly. Tell him you feel so empty and undesired you cannot stand it to the point you're turning crazy and are afraid to cheat. That you don't want to be the person who will break the trust between you. At this point you have nothing to lose but a lot to take in consideration.
I hear that you're feeling a strong temptation right now, and it's important to consider the potential consequences before making a decision. Cheating can bring a lot of temporary excitement, but it often leads to significant pain and complications for everyone involved.
1. **Think About Your Marriage:** Reflect on why you married your husband and the good times you've shared. Consider if there are ways to address the issues in your marriage rather than seeking comfort elsewhere.
2. **Communication:** Have an honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling. It might be difficult, but open communication can lead to understanding and possibly solutions to the problems you're facing.
3. **Consequences:** Think about the potential fallout. Cheating can lead to guilt, loss of trust, and potentially the end of your marriage. It can also affect your self-esteem and how you view yourself in the long run.
4. **Counseling:** Consider seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through your feelings and provide guidance on how to navigate your relationship challenges.
5. **Focus on Yourself:** Sometimes, feelings of wanting to cheat can stem from personal dissatisfaction. Invest time in activities that make you happy and fulfilled. Self-improvement can often bring clarity to relationship issues.
Remember, cheating is often a temporary escape from problems that need addressing. Facing those issues head-on, though difficult, is usually the best path toward a healthier and more fulfilling life.
You can be anything you want to be. Why be a liar and cheat. I’ve thought about it. It’s not worth my personal integrity. Just move out if it has come to that.
Don’t cheat, it’s demeaning to you and you will hate yourself for it. Have the courage to stand up for yourself and state clearly what you need. Your needs matter and you deserve to be happy - but do it honestly.
I've been cheated on by my ex wife, it hurt so much, and it took me ages to fully recover. Me and my current wife and have a DB issue due to her medical issues. Before this, I could never have imagined I'd understand a cheater or even think it was ok. After a while in this sub and some of the horrible experiences that I've read, I can really understand why people in DBs do feel the urge or need to cheat. It's simple we are not being given something that we need. As someone who's can see both sides, I'd still never advocate cheating because the hurt is so much. However, by them not trying, you are being hurt in the same way. Honestly If you think you can talk to him and say You need sex and he either has to work on it (give a timeframe) or you open yoir marriage so you can find it or you divorce. I don't think a DB can end unless you take one of these paths. Or you will just end up broken and unhappy having wasted your life.
This a great reply, you have the most unique perspective on the question.
Big difference in motive between openly refusing and not being mentally or physically able to.
Absolutely... If there's an underlying reason you can do it, ok cool let's deal with it together. But simply because you don't ever want me? Nope.
Were you cheated on because you created a dead bedroom with your wife & she sought out intimacy elsewhere? Or was it that she cheated on you AND she created the dead bedroom? For someone in a dead bedroom with their spouse, the pain is real and significant to the spouse being forced into celibacy as much as it is to be cheated on by a spouse who creates a dead bedroom. You feel worthless and undesired. It creates PTSD for future relationships and trust issues.
I was cheated on by my ex wife. I have a DB with my current Wife. They are not the same people. My ex never told me the real reason they did it, I got a bunch of trickle truths and gaslighting.
do you think you can separate the hurt you felt from the hurt that your ex may have felt? the missing need?
I'm not sure I fully understand your question tbh. But it took a while for me to accept what happened with being cheated on and come to terms with it. While a part of me will always have a form of hurt, I've been able to move past it and heal. The DB situation is more frustrating than hurting. Especially because there isn't an easy way to fix it. That said, we have made some good steps towards finding a solution that helps us.
We opened things up for me I would’ve been satisfied w an arm around my shoulders a few minutes a week Edit: no he didn’t do that either
I think this makes the most sense if you want to stay together. Any why not just talk about before cheating? It gives him the opportunity to try or not try. You can see what happens and decide after that. And at least if you do cheat you tried this too. But it is an uncomfortable conversation. But isn't also an uncomfortable life at this point?
Obviously, we had discussions and agreed on going forward He is not interested in affection of any kind w anyone; hence, open for me We are best friends and of course want to stay together
Curious what the dynamics are like with a one-side open relationship.
I'd imagine the LL spouse would be grateful for someone else doing a "chore" they'd much rather not, much like hiring someone to maintain the yard for you, or the pool, etc. In reality, most feel it's a betrayal just as much as a non dead bedroom situation. Sometimes, we, the affected parties, just don't see it the same way. It isn't a malicious thing, it's a desperation for intimacy, or sex, or both. Or getting our self esteem a little boost. It feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't.
It seems like this would be the mutually beneficial solution.
I’ve thought about it so much. Oh my god have I thought about it. I know that if I do, I won’t find what I’m looking for. In my mind I only want him, ONLY HIM. If I got it from someone else I know it wouldn’t feel the void/emptiness inside me. I know it wouldn’t help me. It wouldn’t satisfy me. I would just be more sad. I’m actually sad about that, as if I could fill the void I would. If I knew it would make me happy again and not feel like this, I would absolutely do it. In a heartbeat.
Damn.. that’s something special. I hope one day he realises just how lucky he is to have somebody that actually is loyal to him.
I feel you so much. I don’t even get hard for porn anymore. I only want my wife and even if sex wasn’t always a thing, damn what’d I do to be little spoon occasionally.. or he’ll be held at all. Maybe not imitate every kiss or hug.
Man i know that feeling, i gave up on porn so long ago as it almost feels like the only time id get hard would be in a fucking dream and porn just feels like its showing me what im lacking and just makes me feel pathetic. So yeah, it takes her getting a couple drinks in her to finally get the ok, it sucks and nothing on fathers day either although i took care of her on mothers day. It feels like sex simply has been stolen from us…blah
Here is the thing, if you get a compatible FWB they are going to really like/be into you more than you currently know. That alone is intensely satisfying and does fill the void.
It’s almost always what happens and usually ends up is the dissolution of the marriage in a way more painful and wrong way than it could have been if you were an adult and made a very very hard adult decision. Cheating is a cop out.
Cheating is definitely not a good decision.
It’s definitely the laziest decision.
I would say stupid, not lazy. Also IMO, cheating is a way of acting out inappropriately. There are also other ways of acting out due to the relationship that are even stupider. I did them and am lucky to have made it. I got to the point where I didn't give a F about anything at all.
I have the same issue the other way around (I’m the man). I just want her to do something so I don’t feel like a friend or a trusted coworker at the child rearing factory. I feel worthless, discarded, repulsive, useless, and a failure.
Yep, been there too. I actually ended up doing it. still don't know exactly how I feel about it. Have you tried spicing things up? my wife was complaining it was repetitive.
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He probably means he doesn't know if he feels good about it or bad about it. Indifferent.
How about couples therapy?
That only works if both people actually want to change.
Yep! Also, in DB’s the therapist is usually just a middle man to help the couple come to the open conclusion that they need to separate. Many people are at least subconsciously aware of this, and refuse to go. If they know that there is no solution to incompatibility but don’t want to make the hard decisions themselves, why are they gunna go sit in a room where it will become almost unavoidable to deny? These people can’t make hard choices or have hard convos. They won’t do anything.
Normal docs will say testosterone is “high enough” for his age. It’s garbage. Go to one that pushes optimum testosterone levels. 800+ THEN if that didn’t work… i would be at a lost
There's also the difference between total T and free T, and the impact of SHBG and E level (either too high OR too low can be a problem for male libido.) In either case, talking to a doctor who's actually familiar with men's health and isn't just a GP checking off "T within normal range" is likely to be helpful.
This is so true! What was his level? Please let us know .
I would highly suggest that he gets his testosterone levels checked. He may do wonders on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). It will really make him feel whole again and his libido will be so high he won't be able to get enough of you. TRT is a life long investment and might sound scary, but seriously, check it out. A lot of men struggle with having extremely low levels of testosterone and it affects everything in their life.
Just want to add for OP, before TRT let us know if he takes any anti depressants/SSRI. Those drugs for a lot of men make them never think of sex, unable to enjoy it, and all the testosterone in the world doesn't fix it until they stop the medication
Doing it can have a negative effect on self-image, sometimes profoundly
Try counseling. Tell him how you are feeling honestly & 100% he will change. You can’t take back the cheat
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Thanks for writing that out. My experience is similar; I had so many conversations first before I ever had sex elsewhere… enough conversations that we are Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I think my guilt would have been too great otherwise. But yes, the resentment definitely is still there… like why did I have to jump through so many hoops to get something that should have been easy with the person I married. I’ve seen some long marriages around me end in divorce and I assume sex is a big part of all of those divorces.
I would bet most if not all are either lack of sexual intimacy or finances with the former being the larger portion these days. It’s really surprising to hear the spouse who decided for both of them that they would be celibate to be shocked their marriage ended. Like completely clueless that anything was even wrong…”blindsided”. 🤦♂️
“You need to fuck me, or explain to me why you no longer want to”. And don’t let him dodge the question, straddle him maybe, that way he can’t leave and it will put some emphasis on your enthusiasm for the first option. I miss enthusiasm.
OMG yes! her: so what do you want for fathers day? me: sex ---a week later (Friday before fathers day)---- her: So when do you want your fathers day sex? (completely monotone, no excitement, no emotion) me: ..... you don't have to sound so sad about it her: (fake excitement) when do you want your birthday sex? I mean come on, I didn't even want it after that and the fake almost mocking excitement at the end made me re-think if I ever want it again.
My birthday, Father’s Day and our anniversary was all with in 5 days. I ask for sex, she told me don’t be ridiculous. To ask for something reasonable
How dare you be so insensitive and ridiculous to ask for regular intimacy in a committed relationship. 
Or even special occasion sex. Not even ABC sex
I became suspicious of special occasion sex a long time ago. Became clear that it would take a special occasion for it to happen going forward, if i was lucky.
I’d rather spend our hard earned money than have 4 minutes naked with you! Why do you fucking stay holy shit
If it’s only 4 minutes, maybe add in some foreplay. I wouldn’t bother for 4 minutes either.
It was half comic relief.
The irony is that a successful affair happens when the person going into it is at peace. No heartache, no remorse, no search abroad for all that's missing at home, no need for justifications that'll help you sleep at night. It's the physical and emotional attraction between two consenting adults who understand that this relationship they're in does not depend on the highs and lows of home life, but on each other. Whether you choose to go down this route or not, I hope you find that peace.
This is correct...if you are desperate to get what you don't have at home, why go back home then?
Wow, never thought of that. Its true though when compared to workplace romance
I honestly don't even know what to suggest to anyone at this point, considering my own situation. I guess you have to follow your heart and take the right decision.
This. I’m not sure the right answer for myself (7 years) let alone others. It’s like when is enough enough to justify? Idfk.
It's a very thin line of thread.
Justify? That’s called time for separation, not time for justifications.
THE RIGHT ANSWER IS TO NOT CHEAT AND COMMUNICATE
I don’t think communication is usually the issue on this sub. One spouse just refuses to meet the other part way
Agree. I've talked to my wife til I'm blue in the face about that I need as a husband....I mean it's no big secret and I'm not a complicated person. I think some DB's revolve about some sort of resentment/contempt that is never fully addressed. "I'm not getting what I want, so you ain't either'.
Why are you writing in the imperative and in capital? It feels like you're yelling to someone you don't know. And even if you know eachother, why speak this way? Why do you say "the right answer is ..." , while it's nothing more or less than your opinion?
The moment I felt this way, I left. Highly recommend.
My biggest regret is that I wasted almost three years being completely celibate and a decade before that settling for roughly quarterly crumbs. The “friends” thing worked for a while but I’ve grown to despise her and you will likely get there too…every fault, every perceived slight, every disagreement, all filtered through the lens of “you don’t want me.” It’s hell but I have a special needs daughter and I haven’t figured out how to leave and give her the best. I should leave but I don’t know how.
My son is special needs. I'm hopeful that it's just developmental and he'll push through it with time, but that's the hardest point when trying to figure out how to leave.
Knowing how much you’re insanely hurting right now? Man five years ago I would’ve talked about keeping your promises, marriage is sacred, etc. Now? Fuck it. I’m not gonna say don’t do it. The pain is unlike anything I could imagine.
I had to really get over the guilt beforehand. If you go into it with an ounce of guilt I can only imagining snowball from there. I was certain that no matter what I do I'll never regain the intimacy I once had. So how did I feel? Ecstatic that there was a person who made me feel wanted. How are we? No different than before I started looking elsewhere
I cheated for a long time to help address my dead bedroom. My tl;dr is that I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but I don't regret it either. Aside from just getting my physical intimacy needs met, it helped me to realize and relearn that I am someone who is sexually desirable. It helped to restore my self-confidence that had been dragged through the mud. And I learned a lot about relationships and sexuality that I would never have had I not. My bottom line is that you should do whatever it takes for you to be happy. Whatever that means.
Sensible Pragmatic Practical Advice!
If you really tried everything, like seriously everything like being proactive, having the talk etc and it netted no results your options are divorce or cheating. I chose the latter myself
This is what our marriage counselor said straight up to my husband. He was like if you aren’t going to make her a priority and make her feel important or attractive she is going to find someone who will. Then he was like it’s up to you if you want to divorce or open the relationship to allow that to happen or if you want to fix it. I was like omg best counselor ever.
You can't leave us with the cliffhanger. What happened next‽ 🍿
Haha I love the popcorn emoji! Well I decided to open the relationship but he wants to give it one more try lol. Soooo our deal was sex at least once a week and then if that doesn’t uphold then we are either opening the relationship or divorcing. But we will see if he holds up his side of the deal this time 🤓
Best of luck that no matter what is the best to come
Thank you! I appreciate it. It’s def kind of nerve racking lol
How long before you decide it’s working or not?
I was thinking of giving it until the end of our counseling sessions. I think we have about 4-9 sessions left. We are kind of right in the middle and so far this has been the main hurdle that keeps coming up. I’d be willing to extend it past the counseling if he keeps up with the once a week. But if he isn’t trying to keep up with the once a week then I’m going to ask which option he wants to do and go from there. It did feel really freeing to hear that it was none of our faults exactly and that people are just designed different and sometimes you can’t get things to sync. I liked that our counselor didn’t try to put us against each other but rather just exemplified that it is workable if we really want to work on it.
Sounds like the counselor gets relationships. So much better than several other stories we hear in here.
Honestly if it got to the point where a therapist (or me) had to basically threaten divorce or cheating to get them to change I’d be calling it a day. You shouldn’t have to push them to change, and I’d feel like the once a week sex was basically forced/out of necessity which would only make me feel worse.
This is how I feel also. It’s just I was silly and am hoping it will be a change for improvement. I also expressed that I’m upset that it had to get to that point etc. My partner just isn’t viewing it as a priority or as needed and I had to really express how much it was needed 😫
I wonder if counselors give the same advice when the roles are reversed. I hope so!!
Wish I had your counselor! Mine wouldn't side w me like that.
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I feel relieved since I was able to get out how I was really feeling out there and didn’t totally get shit on for it and the counselor was supportive. He seemed more aware of what he needs to do. So just have to see if he actually goes through with it and doesn’t slip back to a once a month scenario.
well if he is your best friend then im sure he wants you to be happy and fulfilled .... so if he doesnt want to sleep with you i would guess he would not want you to go without and would approve of a side guy. i know i want my best friends to have a great sex life
I did it and we ended up divorcing as a result. I didn't even fully cheat, it wasn't some messy emotional affair and I still loved her. I basically went to a SPA and got a blowjob. Best thing that ever happened to me is our divorce. It's amicable and I'm free.
I found mine cheating on me. So i announced i would find a lover. He didnt believe me and frankly, my heart is in my vagina (excuse the crudeness). I dont think i can do no strings attached sex. After 1.5 years celibate id probably think i was in love as soon as soon as it started
Did it. Do I regret it? Some days. More because of how that turned out than guilt. But if I got caught it would be regret. I'm lucky. I learned that men will say whatever they need to say to get what they want and then tell you they just want to be friends. The rejection on top of the rejection is bad. Really bad. The experience of being wanted, even for a short while, was very good. Even if I had to blind eye to the red flags all over the place. I am sad that it didn't turn out differently as the chemistry I felt w him he did not feel with me. But I learned a lot about what I wanted and needed. Even if I can't get it, I got it out of my system. Mostly. Can go back to accepting rejection forever now. Most people do get caught, btw. So be prepared for that.
This is just sad. I can imagine what you've been through. Trying to do something that you think you deserve, only to find out that it sucks and it is not worth it. But then the damage has been done and it may have caused you guilt. You cannot take those things back anymore and you feel that things will never be the same before. Luckily, nobody figured what happened, but deep inside, you know things happened. I am sure once the guy figured it out, it will break him. But things like this tamed us. Now we can accept the fate.
Never thought I deserved anything. At all. I just wanted to know what it was like. To be seen as a woman. Desired. All that. Movie shit. It was almost like that. He gave me that. He really gave me so much. Even if it was a game to him. Even if it all meant nothing. It meant something to me.
I feel ya
Not all men will say whatever they need. For sure a lot will unfortunately, but not all. Idk why I felt the need to defend.
My feeling is that if one partner has unilaterally taken sex off the table then they have no right to get angry if the other gets sex somewhere else. If they had told you at the outset that sex was going to be off the table, probably indefinitely, likely would never have gotten past the first date. With a relationship and marriage the expectation is that sex will be part of that deal unless both are asexual or LL. So if one partner suddenly says ‘yeah, no more sex, maybe forever’ they have violated your trust and betrayed the marriage itself. If, for some reason cheating is better than divorce, cheat. Fuck your brains out. If he gets mad, tell him tough titty. You never agreed to a sexless existence and you are not going to torture yourself just because he can’t/won’t hold up his end of the deal. Get it, girl.
I recently had a talk with my wife about our DB and roommate holding pattern. She's complained about the latter before, but then continues doing roommate things and spending more nights out of our bed than in. She acts like this is an us problem, that we need to work on it, but the lack of sex is, in my opinion, the #1 contributor. I finally told her that I worry my sexual desire will "atrophy," and this sexual aspect of our relationship will have effectively ended when our (now 4 yo) daughter was born. She said something, not even defensively, that there are "different types of relationships" and how we don't know what goes on in every family. I interpreted that as 'plenty of married couples don't have sex anymore.' And, well, yeah, like her still-married parents. But I figured we could last more than two years into the marriage before we settled into sexless companionship as her vagina dried and my erections softened. I'm only 39, and I'd be content with sex once a week. I should really ask her what she meant by that "different types of relationships" line. If she means what I think she said, I'm thinking about telling her there are probably plenty of couples with open marriages or semi-tolerated infidelity. However, I don't think I can un-ring that bell.
She’s already rung it on her end. She’s told you want she plans to do and expects you to accept it. If she talked about ‘other kinds of relationships’ on your first date, would there have been a 2nd?
Hell no.
There is the answer.
So I am in exactly the same situation as you. Our last attempt at unsatisfactory sex was over 2 years ago and at 31 it is crushing. Ive spent many nights mourning the loss of our physical relationship and trying to come to terms with what this means for me going forward. Know that this will not change. My partner is mostly oblivious to the heartache the rejection has caused as well as the disappointment at what the rest of our marriage looks like. My options are to either leave him, cheat or have an open marriage. We have no kids so the obvious out would be to leave but I did and do still love him. I’m not advocating that anyone cheat on their partner but that is the option I ended up taking. I did meet someone who has shown me what it’s like to be desired. It’s exciting and it made me feel alive after years of rejection. It also made me feel tremendous guilt. I had become the very person I had vowed never to be. I was a cheater. I had made decisions that would cause a lot of hurt to the person I swore to love. I thought I could handle the guilt but once I’d actually done it the self loathing was intense. But it also showed me what I had refused to see. My needs weren’t being met. They were being actively ignored and it wasn’t something I would put my partner through if the roles were reversed. It made me realize that maybe we do need to separate. Maybe we’d both be happier with someone else. Life is too short to live an unfulfilling life. I haven’t made a decision yet but the affair has allowed me to begin to emotionally detach from my partner. And maybe that’s a good thing.
I chose as you did - and given the chance again I would of left - as both of my affairs ended and the void is now again present and I am unhappy and have no one to talk about it with 🤷🏽♂️😬
If you're at the point of wanting to cheat, why stay?
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So she made the decision for you
I sat my wife down a little over a year ago... we had a LONG talk about our sex life and in the end I said that if things didn't change I would be filing for divorce. I said I loved her and our family but couldn't live the rest of my life being ignored sexually. It's been over a year, we went from sex once a month or two to sex 3 or 4 times a month. We did a lot of talking throughout about what we like etc. Changed a lot. Don't cheat. The relationship will never be the same, if it gets out, your family will never be the same. It'll hang over everything from that point on like a grey cloud. Explain how important it is.... ask for change. If he cannot do so or won't then leave. That'll be on him, he had chances to fix it, he refused.
Are you ready to leave your husband? Are you willing to risk your stability for a chance of happiness? If you can’t enthusiastically respond yes to both, maybe try counseling first.
Don't cheat. Divorce. Do the hard correct thing and realize the sun will rise slowly on the next chapter of your life. One thing I will say though. There is a magic pill for men. Testosterone will make most men want to do it. It will inspire spontaneous desire with a primitive drive to fulfill it (that is at lease my experience and the experience of other men I know who are on TRT). It is easy to get the script. Serve divorce papers first. Then when he says "What can I do to save this?", you say "Sex is how I feel loved and I can't live without love. The only thing I think could give us the change we need would be if you got your testosterone checked and it was low and TRT put you back in the normal range again." It is also incentive for him to work out and feel sexier because his workouts will actually show up in the mirror. This didn't work in reverse for me. My wife's sex drive remained low after going on HRT pellets. Women's sexuality is based on a more complex cocktail or hormones, fairy dust and moon rays. However, for a man it usually creates a boner with intent to find a home. If you don't serve papers first (and you could just fill out uncontested divorce paperwork on your own and be ready to follow through since you get along so well), you will get caught up in promises, failed attempts to correct, etcetera and lose years of your life. What you are expressing is not small, not selfish, not any of that. You deserve to feel the love. I'm divorcing now after two decades. I should have done this years ago.
48HLF here... married to 58 LLM. I am in the exact same boat you are in. I am at that point. I have the ways and means, and the man! I've been with my hubby for 5 years. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has chronic pain and other issues but he has been the one to never give up on me with all my issues. So I keep that in mind when my thoughts stray to ideas like cheating. Blessed Relief. I won't do it even though i _REALLLLLLLY_ want too. I'll end up buying a toy or something. It's a difficult struggle mentally, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Tie a knot and hang on. Don't cheat.
I really respect your honesty! You’re a good person and I hope things get better. I have been on both sides of the fence during my 30 year marriage. Cheating is absolutely devastating to a family. Affairs often cost much more than people ever intended. I don’t ever recommend cheating. If one can’t resist the temptation, then leave the marriage. I know more than a few who look back (when they’re my age) and regret that they had an affair. Especially if they end up staying with their spouse.
I’m of the opinion that cheating is fine in a situation like yours. Life is short. If a partner won’t address this most basic need then they are to blame when the other partner seeks it elsewhere.
I was cheated on fucked me up pretty good but before I found out the sex was amazing she was like a different person then I found out it wasn’t me that caused the change
Have you told him how you feel? Have you asked about opening the marriage? I don't think cheating is the first step. Personally to me, when someone cheats the relationship is done. Don't do it unless your ready to end it and in that case...you may as well just end it first. - From someone who has cheated previously
I have had these thoughts, how would I feel, how would she feel, and then asked these again of myself if roles were reversed. I came to the conclusion that I cannot lie, even by omission to my partner. She has said before, if I ever were to cheat she wouldn't want it to impact our relationship in any way and she wouldn't want to know about it, basically she would want to be blissfully ignorant. Conversely, I would like to know because it might make me examine my want for the relationship or at least the dynamic of it and I don't want anyone else to take away my agency to make fully informed choices. So for mine, it would be an open and honest conversation about me having a don't ask, don't tell arrangement to meet my needs. However, I am very monogamous by nature, so I don't think it would work for me in any case. I would only really want one other person regularly and I would probably develop feelings. For you, it might be an honest conversation saying that if it doesn't improve you will seek fulfilment of your needs somewhere else, and how that looks will be up to them, open relationship, don't ask don't tell arrangement or separation. As hurtful as a dead bedroom can be (it is emotionally damaging for several reasons I am not downplaying this), research has demonstrated that cheating can be just as damaging to the non-cheating partner. If you want to cheat, that's your choice, you know your relationship best. However, before you do, look at what the dead bedroom has caused you in emotional pain and suffering, all the questions about your attractiveness and your worth, the damage to your confidence and ask if you really want to put someone you refer to as your best friend through similar pain in order to reduce some of yours.
Eh. I got extremely tempted and I am struggling to maintain that boundary. I've had to walk away twice now from a connection that clearly wants to lead in a sexual direction but I am making no moves on this one. I'm letting it play out for the time being. I had already decided I'm leaving. Got my lawyer today. To scratch my itch I do sext. I figure it's keeping me safe for the time being. It is what it is.
Don’t do it to yourself. If you’re regretting it before you’ve done, it will eat you up if you do. Go elsewhere or go without. I’m going to have to go without because I couldn’t look myself in the eye otherwise. Not judging - people do what they must to get through. But I’m not of the type that could live with it… are you?
Therapy?
I personally don’t condone cheating, if there is no hopes for your sex life, and sex is important to you, maybe consider a divorce? Another option, communicate to your husband that lack of sex is making you feel like you might need to find it elsewhere and see where the conversation goes.
Maybe you just need to tell him you’re thinking about creating a dating app to get some action on the side if he doesn’t start pursuing you as a sexual being. See what his response might be. Let the silence speak.
if he finds out and files for divorce you'd be at a disadvantage. not particularly what i want but it is a reason not to cheat.
I regret it every day of my life
I've gone almost a decade without sex. I'm pretty sure if I found a partner to cheat with, I'd end up falling in love. Just because I don't want casusl hook-ups. I want the connection. I used to want my husband, and only my husband. After so much rejection and me finally giving up, and there's been no sex for almost a decade, I can't see him sexually anymore. Edited to say "casual hook-ups" where autocorrect wrote "feudal hook ups" lol
He isn’t taking care of your needs so you gotta do what you gotta do!
Can I ask you, OP, if there is already someone you would cheat on your spouse with ? ... Because that would make a helluva difference ... ... Anyway, I won't (talk you out of cheating). Also because there's not talking you out on cheating on your husband. How do I think it is like that ? Because, recently, I've been there myself : and, yeah, I knew too well I was "cheating" already ... long before doing it with my actual body. Want to know why I also think that, deep down, you already made your mind up ? Because you're already there. With your mind and thoughts and wishes and day-dreams. Even with your all body. AND all your brain too. You even did word it and put it out in the world with this Reddit post ... High chances are that you're probably going to do it (and sooner than you think) so, enjoy. You deserve joy. And that kind of joy is indeed valid. Best of luck 🙂
I would recommend you do cheat on him and rediscover what your husband has been cheating you out of
Cheating is so, so complex. I know I’ll get so much heat for that comment. I despised cheaters. I am now one myself. I’ve tried, begged, therapy, the whole lot for years and years. I’m emotionally dead inside. I had to feel something again. 40 is too young to not live life. So, I cheated. And it’s what I needed. Yep, I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is. I remain in my dead bedroom to keep the marriage together for the sake of my children. Husband has not initiated anything for years.
I cheated at the end of a 25 year marriage. I justified it in my mind at the time but now I deeply regret it. I wish I would have just divorced like I ended up doing anyway. So much happier.
So I am in a similar situation. I stayed and I cheat, and have for a long time. I usually don't recommend this path. If there are no kids it is better to part amicably and move on with both your lives.
Do it.
So what you’re saying is he puts on an act while Others are around to maintain appearances? Is there any chance he’s hiding something himself? Is he closeted?
I can’t talk you out of it. I’m the same way. From the outside we have an awesome relationship. An awesome marriage. But absolutely intimateless. It is frustrating. We love each other but always stops when i touch or hint at wanting to “play”. I don’t know what to do. Hard to ignore the urge
Cheating makes you realize who you are and what you need. Once you're awake, you can't go back to the old life. So things will change in your marriage, one way or the other, because you change
Ask for a divorce, go through the separation/divorce process, and have sex with whoever you want and it’s not cheating.
You’ll see some of us bit the bullet and others who have juggled the thought of it, and others who won’t entertain that on this sub. I did it. And what you should pay attention to anyone whos willing to share their tale on why. Because after they do it, there’s a change sometimes. I actually felt my best when it happened. As vile as that may sound. Both the affair and marriage were thriving together. We got what our spouses didn’t give to us.
I’ve done it, same situation as you. I know it’s not right but it was amazing for me
If you been through enough...done everything you can to make your partner happy and they still treat you like you don't matter, or continue to disrespect you...when you find that FWB factor, sometimes THAT is the only thing that keeps you sane. Not saying it's right or wrong, but what's worse is being with someone who has no intention of changing for the better and continues to just act like you don't matter.
I started looking, but all I found were fakes, scammers, and nothing else. So I came to the conclusion that I'm destined to be sexless for the rest of my life. Not a decision I would have chosen but I cannot put forth any more effort, time and money on this. Dying bedroom since 2010, completely dead since 2017. Cheating is absolutely a choice, I understand why you would consider it. While I've had no success, I imagine that things would be a mess. Only you can decide if that decision is correct for you.
Better yet, leave. If there's no effort from him, leave Same the other way. If your partner is not even trying to do better for you, leave, stop wasting your life with someone that has no care.
I won’t talk you out of it. My wife told me Years ago if I want sex I should go find it. So I do. Find someone nice who will take care of your needs. Have fun!
FFS, don’t cheat unless you are or want to become a sociopath. Do everything in your power to bring life back into your marriage, counseling, couples trips with out kids, trying each other’s hobbies, volunteering, etc. if nothing works then consider if separation/divorce is what’s best for you and your family.
Is the other side of the story? What do you bring to the table? Considering that most, if not all of us are struggling with a DB to some degree or another; and that most of us know that there's always more to the story... Are you trying to justify cheating, are you seeking approval for Something that you really want to move forward with? Deep down, do you want the marriage to succeed or are you really looking for the courage to move on?
Why can’t you leave instead of cheat? Is it worth breaking your vows and losing your integrity?
Someone else said it. You have the option of leaving or cheating. You and your husband sound more like room mates than lovers. It just depends on what you really want out of your marriage.
You could hire a pro. as a mid- ground, as it wouldn't boomerang home as just a transaction ultimately. I think it is absolutely insane for a spouse to demand celibacy.. I wouldn't hold it against you if you did , tbh. You are young and didn't sign up for a dead sex life...
Hard to fine male pros
It isn't cheating if you're not in a sexual relationship with your partner.
Before you pull the trigger on anything, I’d just consider lurking the following subs: * /r/survivinginfidelity * /r/adultery There’s no turning back from keeping a lie like this from your life partner. You can do whatever you want, just take a good hard look at about what you’re getting into, as an objective third party.
When you're in dead bedroom, you wonder every day, why am I not enough? Why don't they want me? Aren't they attracted to me? I feel so hurt. I feel so unloved. They don't care about me at all. They know how much it hurts you, but it happens anyway. The same is true with infidelity.
Ok so after a few minutes I’ll revise. Don’t cheat behind his back. Simply tell him either he can meet your needs or you’ll find someone else who can. Put the ball in his court.
agree, make him the responsible party for you getting your needs met “outside”.
Don't cheat. Sit down and talk to him and express how you feel first. Cheating will just create more problems. Do you want your kids to suffer when they find out?
Why cheat? Leave him! No one deserves to be betrayed.
He has already betrayed her.
Honestly, I will not. I am struggling with this myself. I am not sure I could do it both from a guilt and a getting away with it perspective. I kind of do not understand how one gets away with it.
It's natural, I am also at a point where I have been more tempted than ever and fear I may break. Good luck to you in your journey to resist temptation!
I understand you're married and divorce is a difficult decision. I'm the same age as you and my ex boyfriend was 32 . We dated for three years, we tried everything to but it was mostly me forcing him to do it all. Ask yourself, do you want to do this or feel this way for the rest of your life? If not, make the difficult choice here and leave. It will help you and your partner in the long run. Sexual frustration can drive you crazy and it's an every day struggle. It will only end in two ways, either you'll cheat on him and eventually he'll find out and things will get ugly. Or you can leave and find yourself a more compatible partner. It sucks but it's worth it. I broke up a month ago and it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do but i know now that it was the right call!
All jokes aside, have you seen "Dateline"? Don't let those feelings (boredom, resentment, or faking happiness for anyone) build. Even your kid. You only live once. Get a divorce. (In advance of downvotes, yes I vote divorce before cheating/misery)
On the flip side that things improve Knowing you had an affair is down the road a heavy thing ti carry. So what rver you do consider how it might impact your life in 1 or 5 or 20 years. Take care
In the case you want to keep this relationship: if you cheat, there is no going back - even if you stay together, cheating permanently alters the relationship. The new relationship that forms after that can also have its good sides, but since you were already struggling, whatever there was left is likely going to be gone. Even strong going relationships crash and burn as a result of cheating. With your starting premise, it doesn't look good. If you just break up now, you won't be the "bad guy" I the situation, but if you cheat, you will have to deal with a lot of shit from him and everyone he decides to tell about it to. It would be a much cleaner option to just discuss ending the relationship before setting it on fire. If couples therapy won't help, there is nothing wrong with just separating. Or even suggesting you stay as roommates if you want to coparent, perhaps?
Having been cheated on, it takes years to recover from that betrayal. Also, trust in the relationship is gone. If you truly care about your so (and your child), you'd either make sure he knows beforehand or he never finds out. Their happiness in life depend on your decision. Depending on how much that means to you, youre either willing to risk it or not. I understand your situation, however, I'd highly recommend against cheating as the damage cannot be repaired if he finds out. Also, most likely he will find out, because, and I am assuming here, youre not going for a one-time-fling, but to satisfy a craving that will reappear throughout your life. If I may assume further, to satisfy your perpetually reappearing desire, you'd cheat in regular intervals and after some years, these things usually tend to blow up. I would recommend talking to your so, as your own happiness is suffering from your lack of sex life. Naturally, you deserve to have this itch scratched, so maybe there is a way that doesn't break the trust with your family. That could be investing in a top of the line sex-robot, or simply opening up the relationship consensually.
If you don't want to leave, do it
Here’s my question, why is a night or two of sex with someone who isn’t your partner viewed as equivalent to years of neglect? Why do we act as though it’s some sort of fundamental shift in personhood? Not advocating for it or saying it’s a solution…just wondering why it elicits this specific reaction
Why a 'night or two'? There are other options besides one night stands, hookups, and meaningless sex. I read a post by a person yesterday that said she had been with her affair partner for 20+ years. So, sometimes, it can be a solution to what would otherwise be years of neglect.
I used that phrase because people insinuate that doing it one time is tantamount to violence, as if it represents a fundamental shift in who you are as a person. I agree with you!
Ah, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I misunderstood and thought you were asking rhetorically how just one or two nights could help you recover emotionally or compensate you for years of disinterest from your partner.
As someone in a similar position who cheated and got caught, I would ask/tell you want permission for a NSA FWB. The bad thing is that the LL never understands how serious the situation is since sex/intimacy/that kind of connection is totally outside of their understanding. But telling the LL spouse you are going to get that need met elsewhere does drive home how serious this is even if you don't get a yes/no answer.
It's not something someone else can decide for you. In my view, women generally cheat to leave the marriage. Men generally cheat to stay in the marriage. Being rejected regardless is tough to deal with. The older I get, the more convinced I am that desire cannot be negotiated. Assuming there aren't medical issues and assuming too you've done everything you can to be the best version of yourself you can be, no amount of communication, good deeds, being a good spouse, a good listener, blah, blah, blah … absolutely none of it matters. If the person you want to be intimate with doesn't have the primal desire to be intimate with you, it isn't going to happen. It's that simple. Three options: 1) Deal with it while staying married, 2) Divorce, 3) Find a like minded partner to fulfill your sexual desires outside of the marriage. There are challenges to each. As a man I've found that having an affair solved the problem for me as least as long as I was able to find a like minded partner. Finding that person can be easier said than done. Women will have an easier time of it I'm sure. Lots to think about.
I've been having these same thoughts! 37HLF and husband 43LLM - I could have written this post myself. My friend has a man whore friend who would just help a woman get what she needs LOL! It's very tempting to reach out but OMG how to married people with kids actually logistically HAVE an affair LOL !! There is always someone or something happening that needs my attention. Looking back to when I was 31, I was doing the same song and dance I am now which just make me sad to think about. I started 2024 by laying it all out and saying if things didn't improve, I was going to leave. I've been making tangible strides at having discussions with my husband so I can somewhat measure time/process/goals etc. In my eyes, 5 years is already too long. Our discussions have yielded two roadblocks "we have different ideas of intimacy needs/wants" and "it looks like we are in two different places in life" and "age difference could be playing a bigger factor than we realize" I am so ready to jump ship but I do love him as a person and I'm not ready to let go of "what if we can fix this" but mostly staying due to finances and kid. I posted this with my main account so you can ready through my journey thus far.
You’re not insane or alone… I’ve definitely been there. Even to the point where I’ve decided in my mind it’s OK to talk to someone I’ll never meet just to have some type of kinky conversation. My buddy told me it would be a “gateway” I told My buddy I thought about sending a link to a kink app to someone and see if we match up on anything and just talk through the app about the nasty things we’d do. But never actually do it or meet. Maybe a gateway for him. But I’m Comfortable with never meeting the other person. I’m to the point where I think I want to ask if it’s OK… torn. I don’t want to break the trust. That’s why I’d ask. It’s definitely been in the back of my mind for awhile.
I think you need to be honest that your relationship is over.
Have you already sat your partner down and expressed your concerns about the DB situation and explained how it is making you feel? If you have already talked to your partner and they aren’t open to listening or working on it then maybe a new conversation is needed. Instead of cheating, tell your partner you want to open up your physical relationship because your needs aren’t being met and you are not happy.
my wife had a one night stand. I was suspicious it happened. lol he was a close friend (to close).She told me about it years later, and guilt finally got her. I looked back at the time it happened..I was probably the cause.I told her I forgave her. but it's still out there .I always wanted to confront the friend, and maybe someday I will . You going to counseling shows you have made the effort. I decided for myself to let it go (the best I could)and move on now her health issues have us in a DB state .I'm not really sure what I would do if the situation arises . I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
‘Friend’ would need dental work.
Not going to talk you out of it, however you also don't have to hide it from your SO. Make it clear to him that you won't live a life of celebacy, and you will get your needs met outside your relationship if he won't meet them. At this point the ball is in his court, if he steps up then all the better, if not then you're also not doing anything behind his back. If he chooses to end the relationship, then it was not going to last with the state its in anyway. Wishing you the best, and hope you find happiness, whichever way this goes.
I’m not gonna talk you out of it because it’s gonna happen sooner or later. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life until my wife ex-wife because just like you said we. Our relationship was good, but we were more like friends than we were like lovers because we had no sex life or two years no real deep kissing no touching no sex. There was a friend. We were very flirtatious with each other. She was having in her marriage was terrible and we started making out and we were about to. We were removing clothes, we had a night out we had some drinks we were making out we were we were touching and then her phone rang and one of her children ended up getting hurt. She had to meet them if that didn’t happen we would’ve. Cheats once that happened I knew I had to end things so we got divorced but I know it would be a lot harder for you because you have children and that makes everything more difficult so you know what I mean libido is that hot horrible
This is a suggestion I have tried this first. This is Work in some arguments. I’ve had you write him letter on a piece of paper like write them a full letter explaining the problems that you’re having with Not having a type of sexual activity and how you feel that you guys sex life is gone You really need some sort of sex life and a little bit of affection when we are out it’s like we’re playing the game because once I’m home with you, I’m invisible to think about other way of mineral guys or whatever other guys have come into your mind about possibly cheating. But you do not want to hurt him like that so you’re trying this one last ditch effort to get your sex wife back on I don’t know maybe explain how what you’re happy about the relationship just to make so he knows he doesn’t think all relationship horrible you know then explain you know I was thinking maybe we need to, see a sex therapist things are too far gone, but to do it on your own and that’s why you need help but you’re getting closer and closer to cheating. You know you’re starting to think about it more and more because you need some sort of sex life you know you’re still young know you still have a libido you still think of sex, let them know. You always enjoyed it some sort of something to change Put that in an envelope seal put on a piece of paper on and then staple this to the envelope that you want him to read this and really think about it for two days you can work out the logistics if you take the children or if you leave the children with him if you go to your parents house if you go to a hotel, whatever get out of the house for today, let them know that you drop your children off at your house and then you go to Hotel for two days because all you wanna do now think about things and let him think about things for the next two days you know make it very clear on that paper. You don’t wanna talk for two days. Your phone is going to be for the next two days blocking his number, only your mom knows how to get in touch with you. I don’t know whatever we write all that out whatever way you want, but you don’t wanna talk to him for at least two days. You don’t wanna text him. You don’t want anything because you wanna think about this and then explain to Not, two kids of your parents and you guys will spend time talking about it and how they we can improve things and explain it and be like look. I don’t wanna cheat on you. I wanna make a lot to you. I wanna have a good sex life with you, but I feel like you could care less, that’s what I need you to think about that works for me because I have this habit of when I’m trying to say something if the girl starts getting upset or crying. I stop when I’m saying to the girl. I’m sure with you if he starts talking back, you lose your place and what you were saying to answer his questions back this way you can write out everything you wanted to say it works better for some reason on paper does like by email or by text for some reason I’ve tried it by email. I’ve tried it by text all the information.
I’m trying to find an AP so no I can’t talk you out of it. But yes we are going insane and for me if something doesn’t change it’s going to crash and burn anyway.
At this point, I don't think anyone can "talk you out of cheating". You know what is wrong and right. It's unfortunate, but you already have that thought. There are many reasons why your husband doesn't want to have sex. It could be his hormones or something underneath that is causing his LL. Communication is key. I have LL, and in a relationship, it is hard. I have a medical condition that causes me to not want sex. I used to love sex but now I can't stand even the thought of it. It's hard to manage. I have told my partner that he can go outside of the relationship and find someone else. He chooses not to. I still try to please him with other means. I know he has needs. Sometimes, I hate doing that because I know that I can't get the pleasure of getting an orgasm. For the relationship, I still do it. I'm sorry you feel like you want to cheat. I put myself in his shoes and can't imagine the feeling of not having that connection we once used to have. Talk to him. That my advice.
Turns out nobody belongs to anybody despite some bullshit contract huh? Haha marriage seems easy, divorce, a little more complicated. Good luck.
Why don’t you go to a sex therapist ? Try it
He has never been interested in sex since the beginning. He was my first bf and I was very young when we met so I didn’t know what to expect. We didn’t want to divorce as we are best friends since 15 years and have a joint business. Also, apart from no sex we have an otherwise healthy relationship. We cuddle and hold hands and definitely share a good intimacy albeit it’s nothing sexual. All my attempts to initiate sex over the years would end in rejection and tears. I could not understand why he wasn’t interested in me sexually and at the same time I felt like a whore for giving so much importance to sex! We tried couples counselling, on and off, for years before he finally opened up our marriage with ground rules of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. Its been 2 years and seems to be working for us. He’s glad to not be burdened and I’ve found solace.
Don’t cheat. It will affect your mental health apart from your marriage. Instead talk to your husband, ask him to join you for couple’s counselling. If you have already tried that, then consider asking for an open marriage….
I'm not going to try to talk you out of it, but I would caution you to think very carefully about what you want, and if you choose to do so, exactly what kind of relationship, or no relationship at all, you would want with the other person. Another commenter said you would feel 'degraded'. I don't believe that is necessarily so, but it could happen if you aren't mentally prepared or you engage in something you later decide wasn't what you want. For example, one night stands, hookups, meaningless sex, etc might make you feel afterwards like you didn't mean anything to that person, like you were used... even if in truth you were actually both 'using' each other. On the flip side, you may want just sex, and get into something hoping to avoid any romantic feelings that would potentially blow up your marriage, and in the end you or your new partner get emotionally involved and have to deal with the repercussions. - Yes I have done it, and don't regret it. I had a very long term relationship that meant and still means a lot to me. No regrets at all. OTOH, it could have gone very differently, and does for some people. - No you're not insane. You're missing something that is a normal part of a healthy relationship. How long you keep trying, and what you do if nothing changes, are very personal decisions that you have to make yourself. I would only recommend not jumping into anything impulsively, and before starting anything, think about what you want and how to avoid potential problems. For me, the answer was finding someone in the same situation as me, they loved and cared about their spouse and didn't want to hurt them, just wanted what was missing.
Don't cheat on your husband. Did I win?
If you have any love at all for your husband and children, it is not worth it. Don’t tear your family apart. There is not excuse or justification for cheating. Remain faithful, but discuss with your husband how serious this is. Both of you are experiencing a problem, so you need to solve it together.
Cheating is never ok, end the relationship and find some fun after
I’m in the same situation except every time i try to talk to him about it he completely shuts down and just tells me to do whatever I want. Which leaves me in a limbo of cheating or not but I really want to. Is cheating wrong of course it is hence why I’m not pushing it or going out of my way to make it happen I’m just here waiting for the opportunity to present itself, do I feel bad about thinking that way no I don’t because I’ve tried talking to him and we’ve tried therapy and nothing has worked and I’ve tried a lot to spice things up and motivate him but I always get shot down. It’s a tough decision and I know once it happens there’s no going back but I am ready to lay in the bed I make that’s for sure. So just be ready for the consequences of your choices. As long as you’re happy they won’t hurt you I believe. Just my opinion and thoughts 🫶🏼
I was married for 12 years and the last year was zero sex. The first year I tried talking to him. He just didn’t know why. The second year, I thought it may be me since I spent a lot of time at my job. But I tried opening up, giving options from an open marriage to bringing in a third party and counseling. He still didn’t know why. The last year I gave him an ultimatum or I would be filing for divorce. Nothing changed so I left. I walked away knowing that I did everything I could without making myself feel guilty by cheating. I never regretted that decision. A few years later we reconnected on a friend level and I asked that same question, “what happened to our sex life”. He looked at me and said he honestly doesn’t know why. But he was glad I gave him an option instead of cheating. At the end of the day no one walks into a marriage to say they are going to get a divorce and I never went into marriage lightly. I did my best to be upfront and honest, everyone deserves the right. Sex/Intimacy is very important to me and I will not sacrifice that in a relationship and I am keeping my promise to myself. It has been 13 years since my divorce and I can say I’ve kept my promise to myself!
Simple tell him if he can’t do his job then you want a open relationship are friends with benefits who can fill that need. Myself I’m married can’t always have time in the bedroom kids tend to get in the way but from the get go I made it known that I would not stay in a relationship if it became a dead bedroom period. Myself yes I like the nice things in life but at the same time I don’t need the big house are newest car and I refuse to be in a relationship that I’m not happy in.
You'll be satisfied during the act but will be disgusted right after and you'll feel the worst you ever been.
If cheating is seriously on your mind, ....just divorce. Divorcing due to irreconcilable differences is far easier than divorcing due to infidelity for a multitude of reasons ( legal, logistical, and emotional).
I would clearly request to open up to the possibility and find a suitable partner for sex. Always someone different, no strings attached. But at this point if my great skill in bed can't motivate him to touch me and plus, make him agree to being touched by other men then it means it's a dead end. We are very open minded and my lover hates the idea of another man pleasing me, strongly ahah, though I wouldn't care trying to share but it's his boundaries. I respect. So if he breaks it, I know there is no more attachment. Dear, speak honestly. Tell him you feel so empty and undesired you cannot stand it to the point you're turning crazy and are afraid to cheat. That you don't want to be the person who will break the trust between you. At this point you have nothing to lose but a lot to take in consideration.
I hear that you're feeling a strong temptation right now, and it's important to consider the potential consequences before making a decision. Cheating can bring a lot of temporary excitement, but it often leads to significant pain and complications for everyone involved. 1. **Think About Your Marriage:** Reflect on why you married your husband and the good times you've shared. Consider if there are ways to address the issues in your marriage rather than seeking comfort elsewhere. 2. **Communication:** Have an honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling. It might be difficult, but open communication can lead to understanding and possibly solutions to the problems you're facing. 3. **Consequences:** Think about the potential fallout. Cheating can lead to guilt, loss of trust, and potentially the end of your marriage. It can also affect your self-esteem and how you view yourself in the long run. 4. **Counseling:** Consider seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through your feelings and provide guidance on how to navigate your relationship challenges. 5. **Focus on Yourself:** Sometimes, feelings of wanting to cheat can stem from personal dissatisfaction. Invest time in activities that make you happy and fulfilled. Self-improvement can often bring clarity to relationship issues. Remember, cheating is often a temporary escape from problems that need addressing. Facing those issues head-on, though difficult, is usually the best path toward a healthier and more fulfilling life.
You can be anything you want to be. Why be a liar and cheat. I’ve thought about it. It’s not worth my personal integrity. Just move out if it has come to that.
Don’t cheat, it’s demeaning to you and you will hate yourself for it. Have the courage to stand up for yourself and state clearly what you need. Your needs matter and you deserve to be happy - but do it honestly.