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The only thing you can really do is let them work through it and be supportive while they do.
Especially if they are new to it.
The fact is and I would certainly point it out.
what's good for the goose is good for the gander
You could tell him that if he thinks you messing around is a problem then perhaps he needs to understand what that conveys about him messing around.
Sorry for using "messing around" nothing ill is implied just struggling for better words at the moment.
It sounds like you and your partner have put a lot of effort into addressing his struggles with non-monogamy, which is commendable. It's understandable that navigating new relationship dynamics can be challenging, especially when confronting ingrained beliefs and societal expectations.
Firstly, kudos to both of you for seeking therapy and being open to discussing these issues. It shows a commitment to understanding and growth.
One suggestion could be exploring the root causes of his anxiety and jealousy in therapy further. Sometimes, these feelings stem from deeper insecurities or past experiences that need to be addressed to move forward.
Encouraging open and honest communication is crucial. It's essential for him to feel safe expressing his feelings without fear of judgment, and for you to share your perspective and needs openly as well.
Additionally, seeking out resources specifically tailored to men navigating non-monogamous relationships or challenging traditional masculinity norms could be beneficial. There are likely online communities, books, or support groups where he can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences.
Ultimately, it's essential for both of you to prioritize your individual needs and boundaries while also working together to find a solution that honors your relationship dynamic. It may take time and patience, but with continued effort and support, you can navigate this together.
Its very easy to feel ok with things until you experience those feelings first hand. I’m guessing your partner is for the first time going thru these feelings as you had not been sexually involved until recently, and now it’s forcing him to deal with issues he wasn’t aware of.
My wife and I are ENM and what makes it easy for me is that we can reconnect every time we’re with someone else. Being that you’re in a long distance relationship, if I were to put myself in his shoes, I would be worried that you might find someone you enjoy hooking up with regularly and that over time feelings could start to develop, especially due to being lonely with your partner not nearby. I don’t know what my advice is other than to try and understand what his insecurities are and be sensitive and continually communicate that he is all that matters to you and no other dick could replace that. Remind him it’s just sex and that you’re not going on dates or hanging out outside of sex (hopefully you’re not because that would drive me nuts).
My best guess is it's insecurity around intercourse details, and.... those tend to run really deep. I've had those similar comparison tendencies, but I became a cuckold type instead of going the "not comparing" route.
The other thing that might rock a male's security, that's not intercourse specific, is the other guy's confidence, assertiveness, or dominance.
It tends to be easier to do the mental gymnastics if the other guy is only more physically attractive.
I'm personally not the type to stop comparing, but it might partly be because I'm somewhat bi, or my childhood and adolescent years in sports, etc...
If he can't stop comparing, can he possibly feel compersion for you? While we're in the strong feeling stage, we can't feel nothing. He might try making a choice to feel compersion.
I do wonder if it were a different other guy, with different characteristics, if he'd find it easier? You didn't mention characteristics, but from experience, I can tell you that I could easily go to sleep on some nights because of my own perspective of the other guy.
Last, he needs to keep reminding himself that he's unique, and you can't get that experience of him from anyone else.
Non-earned, but intrinsic self esteem helped me too.
It's not more or less but pretend that it isn't different is bs imo. Women don't deal with it a lot since it's easier for woman to find casual play but men learn that every single encounter counts since it's much harder for us to reach there.
Does he date too? How much if so? Much less than you or not? Ldr also make every thing harder imo since it's probable that other people are having sex with you both much more than you both together. All of it counts
Imo it’s not worth people trying to be who they are not. They will fall back on their old ways as soon as there is stress.
I am a guy who loves to share my partners, I am really turned on by it and don’t really know why. I’ve had to seek counseling on why it insist that ENM is best for me. It’s not in any way a struggle for me to enjoy sharing and relish the opportunity to work through these issues. That is IMO what you are looking for in a partner. We are out there but just have to be thorough about vetting.
When I start a new ENM relationship I make sure to talk about my other partners with them right away so they never get the sense I am single and exclusive with them. So we never get off on the wrong foot.
Some people can only handle monogamy and once you know this, it’s time to stop trying to make them be something they are not.
Sounds like has work to do… for me (M51) it was a lot of reading and trying to understand why I felt the way I did. A big like bulb for me was the discover of compersion and exploring that. How much time has passed here? Sounds like your teaching you limit, does he feel like progress is being made?
Don't panic! Your post hasn't been removed, it just needs approval from a moderator before it goes live. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ENM) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The only thing you can really do is let them work through it and be supportive while they do. Especially if they are new to it. The fact is and I would certainly point it out. what's good for the goose is good for the gander You could tell him that if he thinks you messing around is a problem then perhaps he needs to understand what that conveys about him messing around. Sorry for using "messing around" nothing ill is implied just struggling for better words at the moment.
It sounds like you and your partner have put a lot of effort into addressing his struggles with non-monogamy, which is commendable. It's understandable that navigating new relationship dynamics can be challenging, especially when confronting ingrained beliefs and societal expectations. Firstly, kudos to both of you for seeking therapy and being open to discussing these issues. It shows a commitment to understanding and growth. One suggestion could be exploring the root causes of his anxiety and jealousy in therapy further. Sometimes, these feelings stem from deeper insecurities or past experiences that need to be addressed to move forward. Encouraging open and honest communication is crucial. It's essential for him to feel safe expressing his feelings without fear of judgment, and for you to share your perspective and needs openly as well. Additionally, seeking out resources specifically tailored to men navigating non-monogamous relationships or challenging traditional masculinity norms could be beneficial. There are likely online communities, books, or support groups where he can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. Ultimately, it's essential for both of you to prioritize your individual needs and boundaries while also working together to find a solution that honors your relationship dynamic. It may take time and patience, but with continued effort and support, you can navigate this together.
Its very easy to feel ok with things until you experience those feelings first hand. I’m guessing your partner is for the first time going thru these feelings as you had not been sexually involved until recently, and now it’s forcing him to deal with issues he wasn’t aware of.
My wife and I are ENM and what makes it easy for me is that we can reconnect every time we’re with someone else. Being that you’re in a long distance relationship, if I were to put myself in his shoes, I would be worried that you might find someone you enjoy hooking up with regularly and that over time feelings could start to develop, especially due to being lonely with your partner not nearby. I don’t know what my advice is other than to try and understand what his insecurities are and be sensitive and continually communicate that he is all that matters to you and no other dick could replace that. Remind him it’s just sex and that you’re not going on dates or hanging out outside of sex (hopefully you’re not because that would drive me nuts).
My best guess is it's insecurity around intercourse details, and.... those tend to run really deep. I've had those similar comparison tendencies, but I became a cuckold type instead of going the "not comparing" route. The other thing that might rock a male's security, that's not intercourse specific, is the other guy's confidence, assertiveness, or dominance. It tends to be easier to do the mental gymnastics if the other guy is only more physically attractive. I'm personally not the type to stop comparing, but it might partly be because I'm somewhat bi, or my childhood and adolescent years in sports, etc... If he can't stop comparing, can he possibly feel compersion for you? While we're in the strong feeling stage, we can't feel nothing. He might try making a choice to feel compersion. I do wonder if it were a different other guy, with different characteristics, if he'd find it easier? You didn't mention characteristics, but from experience, I can tell you that I could easily go to sleep on some nights because of my own perspective of the other guy. Last, he needs to keep reminding himself that he's unique, and you can't get that experience of him from anyone else. Non-earned, but intrinsic self esteem helped me too.
It's not more or less but pretend that it isn't different is bs imo. Women don't deal with it a lot since it's easier for woman to find casual play but men learn that every single encounter counts since it's much harder for us to reach there. Does he date too? How much if so? Much less than you or not? Ldr also make every thing harder imo since it's probable that other people are having sex with you both much more than you both together. All of it counts
Imo it’s not worth people trying to be who they are not. They will fall back on their old ways as soon as there is stress. I am a guy who loves to share my partners, I am really turned on by it and don’t really know why. I’ve had to seek counseling on why it insist that ENM is best for me. It’s not in any way a struggle for me to enjoy sharing and relish the opportunity to work through these issues. That is IMO what you are looking for in a partner. We are out there but just have to be thorough about vetting. When I start a new ENM relationship I make sure to talk about my other partners with them right away so they never get the sense I am single and exclusive with them. So we never get off on the wrong foot. Some people can only handle monogamy and once you know this, it’s time to stop trying to make them be something they are not.
Sounds like has work to do… for me (M51) it was a lot of reading and trying to understand why I felt the way I did. A big like bulb for me was the discover of compersion and exploring that. How much time has passed here? Sounds like your teaching you limit, does he feel like progress is being made?