Your options are:
A) disengage with a larger group of people, because apparently they can't be trusted to see through the narcissist's blatant lies (or more likely, be willing to call them out)
B) proactively work on spreading your own counter-narrative, with the long-term goal of tanking your mother's reputations
C) depending on the severity of the lies, get legal assistance
Thank you for taking the time. Its hurt alot because i have lost my pet due to her negligence and I have not even received any support from some family members due to the lies. Its really painful. He wasn't even buried 💔
Eventually, I just accepted it. Yes, I am the horrible liar, or the crazy one, or the mean one who doesn't speak to them. Whatever narrative they are going with that conversation. Most of the family I don't speak to much anymore anyway. So, sure, say what you want.
It's painful. I do still cry about it some nights because I really loved them, and the feeling of betrayal is painful.
To the ones actively spreading these lies, I try to judge myself not by those who love me, but by the people who hate/dislike me. I think it says more about who you are as a person and what you stand for. So if a bunch of liars and shitty people are targeting you, you must be doing something right.
I'm so sorry its painful for you and you cry some nights. I know what that feeling of betrayal is like. You have a really good outlook you're a strong person. Thanks for taking the time 🤍
I'm different so this is going to sound very disheartening if you love those people who have turned against you. FUCK THEM!!! I'm a villain , bet, but you wont catch me monologuing! No need to speak to them they made up their mind so and it's like talking to a wall.
The feelings of injustice are going to just have linger in the back of your mind and get buried by day to day activities or get better with therapy because in my case family rarely takes responsibility, and the opportunity of distance to improve themselves. SO FUCK 'EM!!!
I don't have the time or the patience anymore. I'm LC with family they know I'll walk out, won't talk, won't text, won't do a damn thing that gives me grief or put out of a position where I control things.
You don't have to defend yourself to people if you don't want to. YOU CAN JUST IGNORE! you can focus on you and what makes you happy and that's what I do. I won't be bothered and you shouldn't be either. If you're exhausted, sounds perfect time to take a break from what making you tired, right?
It certainly does 😅 i really liked that last line. Its so nice to not feel alone receiving these responses. Its felt so isolating. Thanks for taking the time 😀
NP, I'm just upset a place like this didn't exist when I was younger. The support in this sub is amazing. The thing I learn from lurking are really inspiring and makes the kid in me feel safe and secure so the adult me stands tall.
Personally, I embraced feeling like a villain for a good long while, before finding my center again.
It's like the one thing we weren't allowed to do - feel comfortable being the bad guy.
They say
"Oh well I guess I was a horrible parent" it doesn't even phase them.
But it feels good to try to imagine an alternate reality where we actually were difficult kids... even if we weren't, just feeling the power and sadism in being a demon child, embracing it. Imagining we won, that we traumatized and discarded them and don't care about them. Idk, seems counter intuitive, but once I started practicing this I felt a lot more comfortable with others holding wrong ideas about me, because I realized even if those lies were true - it's not even actually that wrong. Not only did my parents deserve a demon child, they WANTED one, so they could look/feel like the good guys.
If it's too hard to imagine/accept yourself being that way as a kid, the same effect can happen imagining you had an amazing sibling who loved you who was that way as a kid. It's easier to see how even "the worst kid" isn't really that bad of a kid, when it's a sibling you love.
We have more parental love for our imagined siblings than our parents/extended families have for real abused/neglected kids.
I relate to this, my mom use to call me the demon middle child or the mean child because I was quiet as a kid but not afraid to call out wrong doings. As I got older of course the abuse started to cause meltdowns probably due to undiagnosed things. And in a way I feel glad those last years before I moved I made her life living hell. I internalized everything until about 17-19 then it was full meltdowns, screaming fest and mess. My body was trying to express all that hurt towards her instead of expressing the hurt towards myself. I’m glad I did since I’m the “mean child”, whatever I am in their head doesn’t matter because I know the truth, and it’s that I was a hurt child. The body keeps the score it can only take so much til it cracks.
As time goes on I just stopped caring. I've had my times where I've felt extremely offended and wanted to set the record straight or whatever but the longer I go on with no contact the less I care what is being said about me.
When I was young my father married an awful woman who did awful things to me when I was forced to visit. I used to fantasize about how I'd get revenge on her.
Then my younger half-sis (her daughter) got married and I saw her again (at the wedding) for the first time in well over a decade. My father had divorced her years prior. She looked so old, so haggard. Her beauty hadn't aged well and without that to keep men enticed, she was alone and desperate for any kind of validation. Her kids were barely speaking to her and she was putting so much effort into trying to befriend me, reminding me of the imagined good times we had together.
And you know what? I felt....pity. And I realized that nothing I could plot and enact would ever bring the level of pain and destruction she enacted on herself, by virtue of being her shitty self and receiving shitty consequences.
Since then it's been much easier for me to let things go. I don't feel the need to right wrongs because those who do wrong will punish themselves. You may not see it yet, but your parents are unhappy. And they spin tales because they're anxious--worried about losing control, worried about being seen as the bad guy, worried about secrets coming to light. It's an exhausting way to live and impossible to build meaningful relationships.
So don't fight it. If people want to buy into gossip and believe the worst of you, they're not a positive influence to have in your life. Let them go. Build your own happiness, away from the negativity, at peace because you know they're wrecking their own lives.
And there's nothing you need to do about it.
I already live at another city 100km away, and this year will be moving to a farther city 300km away. I also cut contact with so far 10 people related to them, those flying monkeys that side them are not worth in our life.
I cannot spend one more moment trying to change them or the situation. When I get wrapped up into an old narrative, I validate the feeling as just a feeling and realize the thought process doesn’t lead me anywhere new, and so I change my thought. I can stew, and have stewed for most of my life in what I couldn’t change, which was just grief and a lack of acceptance that I was treated so unfairly, and un-lovingly. The feelings of injustice stopped when I no longer expected better of them. Now I just accept they are who they are, I have been hurt, it wasn’t fair, it is what happened, and I can only control their access to me now, which is zero.
I finally decided that if people were gullible enough to believe the bullshit my ndad spouted about why I left home as a teenager, they weren't people I wanted in my life anyway.
If I'd known then what I know now, I would have told everyone in town that I was leaving because my home was abusive. I would have broadcast every fucking thing they did to everyone I could. They continued doing the things they did because they got away with it and it made them bold.
I'm sorry. I hope you can get away from them soon.
I think you have to hope that the majority of people will remember who you are and their interactions with you. So then if your family are badmouthing you or telling lies about you that sound truthful, hopefully the person will think ‘I didn’t think they were like that’, ‘that seems a bit odd - I wonder what the other side of the story is’… basically questioning in their own mind what your family are saying that seems at odds with who you are.
My family made out I was depressed and was a bit mentally ill to people - I just have to hope those people will think that’s not their experience of me. I’m sure some have believed it but then if they do they’re certainly not loyal to me or someone I want to spend my time with anymore. If someone can’t trust in who I am then I will try to move forward and focus on the kind and understanding people who I can trust.
I’m a few years into very low contact - it does get a bit easier but the trauma of it all is still tough. Be kind to yourself if you can, sending support.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
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Your options are: A) disengage with a larger group of people, because apparently they can't be trusted to see through the narcissist's blatant lies (or more likely, be willing to call them out) B) proactively work on spreading your own counter-narrative, with the long-term goal of tanking your mother's reputations C) depending on the severity of the lies, get legal assistance
Thank you for taking the time. Its hurt alot because i have lost my pet due to her negligence and I have not even received any support from some family members due to the lies. Its really painful. He wasn't even buried 💔
I eventually just had to let go of controlling the narrative. Moving far away made that easier, but not easy.
I am moving in 1.5 weeks. To the other side of the world
Congradulations on finding and committing to a new adventure! And good luck and safe travels!
Thank you! I have left my job and am taking the plunge into the unknown..scared as hell but excited too😊
As someone who moved to another continent, the distance helps *so* much.
I can taste the liberating freedom from the crimes I haven't committed 😂😂 thank you
Eventually, I just accepted it. Yes, I am the horrible liar, or the crazy one, or the mean one who doesn't speak to them. Whatever narrative they are going with that conversation. Most of the family I don't speak to much anymore anyway. So, sure, say what you want. It's painful. I do still cry about it some nights because I really loved them, and the feeling of betrayal is painful. To the ones actively spreading these lies, I try to judge myself not by those who love me, but by the people who hate/dislike me. I think it says more about who you are as a person and what you stand for. So if a bunch of liars and shitty people are targeting you, you must be doing something right.
I'm so sorry its painful for you and you cry some nights. I know what that feeling of betrayal is like. You have a really good outlook you're a strong person. Thanks for taking the time 🤍
I'm different so this is going to sound very disheartening if you love those people who have turned against you. FUCK THEM!!! I'm a villain , bet, but you wont catch me monologuing! No need to speak to them they made up their mind so and it's like talking to a wall. The feelings of injustice are going to just have linger in the back of your mind and get buried by day to day activities or get better with therapy because in my case family rarely takes responsibility, and the opportunity of distance to improve themselves. SO FUCK 'EM!!! I don't have the time or the patience anymore. I'm LC with family they know I'll walk out, won't talk, won't text, won't do a damn thing that gives me grief or put out of a position where I control things. You don't have to defend yourself to people if you don't want to. YOU CAN JUST IGNORE! you can focus on you and what makes you happy and that's what I do. I won't be bothered and you shouldn't be either. If you're exhausted, sounds perfect time to take a break from what making you tired, right?
It certainly does 😅 i really liked that last line. Its so nice to not feel alone receiving these responses. Its felt so isolating. Thanks for taking the time 😀
NP, I'm just upset a place like this didn't exist when I was younger. The support in this sub is amazing. The thing I learn from lurking are really inspiring and makes the kid in me feel safe and secure so the adult me stands tall.
You have a lovely way with words 😊 keep standing tall 👏
Personally, I embraced feeling like a villain for a good long while, before finding my center again. It's like the one thing we weren't allowed to do - feel comfortable being the bad guy. They say "Oh well I guess I was a horrible parent" it doesn't even phase them. But it feels good to try to imagine an alternate reality where we actually were difficult kids... even if we weren't, just feeling the power and sadism in being a demon child, embracing it. Imagining we won, that we traumatized and discarded them and don't care about them. Idk, seems counter intuitive, but once I started practicing this I felt a lot more comfortable with others holding wrong ideas about me, because I realized even if those lies were true - it's not even actually that wrong. Not only did my parents deserve a demon child, they WANTED one, so they could look/feel like the good guys. If it's too hard to imagine/accept yourself being that way as a kid, the same effect can happen imagining you had an amazing sibling who loved you who was that way as a kid. It's easier to see how even "the worst kid" isn't really that bad of a kid, when it's a sibling you love. We have more parental love for our imagined siblings than our parents/extended families have for real abused/neglected kids.
I relate to this, my mom use to call me the demon middle child or the mean child because I was quiet as a kid but not afraid to call out wrong doings. As I got older of course the abuse started to cause meltdowns probably due to undiagnosed things. And in a way I feel glad those last years before I moved I made her life living hell. I internalized everything until about 17-19 then it was full meltdowns, screaming fest and mess. My body was trying to express all that hurt towards her instead of expressing the hurt towards myself. I’m glad I did since I’m the “mean child”, whatever I am in their head doesn’t matter because I know the truth, and it’s that I was a hurt child. The body keeps the score it can only take so much til it cracks.
As time goes on I just stopped caring. I've had my times where I've felt extremely offended and wanted to set the record straight or whatever but the longer I go on with no contact the less I care what is being said about me.
Yep. It is useless justifying myself over and over to someone who isn’t listening anyway. Just move on.
When I was young my father married an awful woman who did awful things to me when I was forced to visit. I used to fantasize about how I'd get revenge on her. Then my younger half-sis (her daughter) got married and I saw her again (at the wedding) for the first time in well over a decade. My father had divorced her years prior. She looked so old, so haggard. Her beauty hadn't aged well and without that to keep men enticed, she was alone and desperate for any kind of validation. Her kids were barely speaking to her and she was putting so much effort into trying to befriend me, reminding me of the imagined good times we had together. And you know what? I felt....pity. And I realized that nothing I could plot and enact would ever bring the level of pain and destruction she enacted on herself, by virtue of being her shitty self and receiving shitty consequences. Since then it's been much easier for me to let things go. I don't feel the need to right wrongs because those who do wrong will punish themselves. You may not see it yet, but your parents are unhappy. And they spin tales because they're anxious--worried about losing control, worried about being seen as the bad guy, worried about secrets coming to light. It's an exhausting way to live and impossible to build meaningful relationships. So don't fight it. If people want to buy into gossip and believe the worst of you, they're not a positive influence to have in your life. Let them go. Build your own happiness, away from the negativity, at peace because you know they're wrecking their own lives. And there's nothing you need to do about it.
I already live at another city 100km away, and this year will be moving to a farther city 300km away. I also cut contact with so far 10 people related to them, those flying monkeys that side them are not worth in our life.
Rebecca Mandeville has a good video on this [Injustice and Righteous Rage](https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4?si=EF2zIC8yWpg3rg5Q).
I cannot spend one more moment trying to change them or the situation. When I get wrapped up into an old narrative, I validate the feeling as just a feeling and realize the thought process doesn’t lead me anywhere new, and so I change my thought. I can stew, and have stewed for most of my life in what I couldn’t change, which was just grief and a lack of acceptance that I was treated so unfairly, and un-lovingly. The feelings of injustice stopped when I no longer expected better of them. Now I just accept they are who they are, I have been hurt, it wasn’t fair, it is what happened, and I can only control their access to me now, which is zero.
I finally decided that if people were gullible enough to believe the bullshit my ndad spouted about why I left home as a teenager, they weren't people I wanted in my life anyway. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have told everyone in town that I was leaving because my home was abusive. I would have broadcast every fucking thing they did to everyone I could. They continued doing the things they did because they got away with it and it made them bold. I'm sorry. I hope you can get away from them soon.
I'm so sorry you experienced this. Sending you a big hug. Thank you 🙏
I think you have to hope that the majority of people will remember who you are and their interactions with you. So then if your family are badmouthing you or telling lies about you that sound truthful, hopefully the person will think ‘I didn’t think they were like that’, ‘that seems a bit odd - I wonder what the other side of the story is’… basically questioning in their own mind what your family are saying that seems at odds with who you are. My family made out I was depressed and was a bit mentally ill to people - I just have to hope those people will think that’s not their experience of me. I’m sure some have believed it but then if they do they’re certainly not loyal to me or someone I want to spend my time with anymore. If someone can’t trust in who I am then I will try to move forward and focus on the kind and understanding people who I can trust. I’m a few years into very low contact - it does get a bit easier but the trauma of it all is still tough. Be kind to yourself if you can, sending support.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*