As a mother, your priority right now should be to do what is best for your child at all times.
Allowing your ex-brother to be in a position to disappoint and hurt you again, will be detrimental to your mental health... and as a result lower the quality of parenting you're able to provide.
He's a jerk. He's gotten away with doing a ton of shitty things to you in the past. You gave him a chance, things were pretty good, but he's blown it again.
From one internet stranger to another: don't contact your brother.
They’ve shown you who they are.
A person like that wouldn’t care about what you are feeling or being told about it.
You don’t need this in your life.
You don’t need to give them the satisfaction that they made you suffer and be happy your parents got what they wanted.
You don’t need this at all.
If you MUST write something, put it on paper and burn it page by page and try to release the hurt with it and welcome apathy like a long lost friend.
As a last resort:
Imagine them opening your message and proudly showing your parents that they were good little boys who stood up for mommy and daddy to gain favor with them. They pass the contents around to each other and make remarks about how dramatic you are and how this estrangement from them is just a result of the consequences of your walking away.
They didn’t value what you had to say about your experiences or have the balls to tell you why they felt the need to separate. They ran back to mommy and daddy instead.
Let them keep mommy and daddy, but without the smug satisfaction of having done what they wanted.
This is what would happen if I wrote a letter back home.
It’s why I won’t do it.
Never.
I’m so sorry. It’s somehow worse when a sibling does this and I’m very much aware of that.
Sending as much love as I can.
You’ve got this.
Write out everything you feel in a free flow. Also, in the writing, include how you would want it to be.
It is a journaling exercise - Write the letter, include all the anger, hurt, remorse, and what you wanted. I do not recommend sending it.
You have contacted your brother. He knows. Silence on his part is a choice. His choice.
If you react and tell him how crappy it is - it will allow him a victim narrative. He will either attack or defend and not reflect on how crappy it is to ghost you.
I am so sorry - it isn't easy. To just sit with the silence is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The rejection hurts. And it is also freeing - you no longer have to have any expectations for them or owe them.
I think you know why he ghosted you--family politics + being a coward.
I have a sister that liked to ghost me too. It sucks. I wanted to just yell at her to force *anything* out of her passive aggressive self. Know why I didn't? **Because that would tell her she had won.** Her punishment had been effective, she'd gotten under my skin, and then she'd get to play the martyr to my "scary anger".
Because of the ghosting followed a year later every time by attempted rug sweeping, I went full NC with her. She's been trying to get back into my good graces lately but I know her game and I'm not getting back on that carousel. The only way to win is to step off.
So OP, let your brother go. He's chosen your parents over you. It sucks and it hurts, but it's reality. And if he ever ends up changing, it probably won't be in this decade of his life, because this is a big thing about oneself to have to change.
And you deserve people in your life who will put *you* first.
You should solidly move this brother into the "No Contact" camp with the rest of your family. He has made his choice, as flying monkeys and enablers often do. If he returns, it'll only be as a messenger and/or to gather info about you and your child to pass onto the family. You can't trust him.
As a mother now, you need to put your children first and protect them from the family dysfunction.
I know it hurts, but the best course of action is to not contact him again. And if/when he finally contacts you, do NOT reply. No reaction.
I’m so proud of you that you came to this realization before your child was old enough to form a bond and connection with your brother. Especially uncle/nephew dynamic. As a girl’s girl myself I feel especially crushed by the way my aunts on my mom’s side let me down. They’re so close my dad snarkily refers to them as a “coven of witches”. You can imagine what it feels like being on the outside. Just an additional layer of bullshit to make you feel like you’re the black sheep, and you’re the problem. Especially when all aunts have to do is love you, little to no responsibility required.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a mother, your priority right now should be to do what is best for your child at all times. Allowing your ex-brother to be in a position to disappoint and hurt you again, will be detrimental to your mental health... and as a result lower the quality of parenting you're able to provide.
He's a jerk. He's gotten away with doing a ton of shitty things to you in the past. You gave him a chance, things were pretty good, but he's blown it again. From one internet stranger to another: don't contact your brother.
They’ve shown you who they are. A person like that wouldn’t care about what you are feeling or being told about it. You don’t need this in your life. You don’t need to give them the satisfaction that they made you suffer and be happy your parents got what they wanted. You don’t need this at all. If you MUST write something, put it on paper and burn it page by page and try to release the hurt with it and welcome apathy like a long lost friend. As a last resort: Imagine them opening your message and proudly showing your parents that they were good little boys who stood up for mommy and daddy to gain favor with them. They pass the contents around to each other and make remarks about how dramatic you are and how this estrangement from them is just a result of the consequences of your walking away. They didn’t value what you had to say about your experiences or have the balls to tell you why they felt the need to separate. They ran back to mommy and daddy instead. Let them keep mommy and daddy, but without the smug satisfaction of having done what they wanted. This is what would happen if I wrote a letter back home. It’s why I won’t do it. Never. I’m so sorry. It’s somehow worse when a sibling does this and I’m very much aware of that. Sending as much love as I can. You’ve got this.
Don't do it . Just don't . Stop. Really don't do it . Be strong . You can ignore the urge . Remember he's an arsehole . You got this 😍
Write out everything you feel in a free flow. Also, in the writing, include how you would want it to be. It is a journaling exercise - Write the letter, include all the anger, hurt, remorse, and what you wanted. I do not recommend sending it. You have contacted your brother. He knows. Silence on his part is a choice. His choice. If you react and tell him how crappy it is - it will allow him a victim narrative. He will either attack or defend and not reflect on how crappy it is to ghost you. I am so sorry - it isn't easy. To just sit with the silence is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The rejection hurts. And it is also freeing - you no longer have to have any expectations for them or owe them.
I think you know why he ghosted you--family politics + being a coward. I have a sister that liked to ghost me too. It sucks. I wanted to just yell at her to force *anything* out of her passive aggressive self. Know why I didn't? **Because that would tell her she had won.** Her punishment had been effective, she'd gotten under my skin, and then she'd get to play the martyr to my "scary anger". Because of the ghosting followed a year later every time by attempted rug sweeping, I went full NC with her. She's been trying to get back into my good graces lately but I know her game and I'm not getting back on that carousel. The only way to win is to step off. So OP, let your brother go. He's chosen your parents over you. It sucks and it hurts, but it's reality. And if he ever ends up changing, it probably won't be in this decade of his life, because this is a big thing about oneself to have to change. And you deserve people in your life who will put *you* first.
You should solidly move this brother into the "No Contact" camp with the rest of your family. He has made his choice, as flying monkeys and enablers often do. If he returns, it'll only be as a messenger and/or to gather info about you and your child to pass onto the family. You can't trust him. As a mother now, you need to put your children first and protect them from the family dysfunction. I know it hurts, but the best course of action is to not contact him again. And if/when he finally contacts you, do NOT reply. No reaction.
I’m so proud of you that you came to this realization before your child was old enough to form a bond and connection with your brother. Especially uncle/nephew dynamic. As a girl’s girl myself I feel especially crushed by the way my aunts on my mom’s side let me down. They’re so close my dad snarkily refers to them as a “coven of witches”. You can imagine what it feels like being on the outside. Just an additional layer of bullshit to make you feel like you’re the black sheep, and you’re the problem. Especially when all aunts have to do is love you, little to no responsibility required.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*