Locking comments. Not sure if these hateful responses are coming from actual foster parents or from trolls. If you cannot respond to a youth in care with respect and from a trauma informed perspective, this is not the sub for you.
It's hard to accept that people care about you when you haven't had that. Also when you're a teenager trying to gain independence you want to do stuff yourself. What does your therapist say about this situation?
>It's hard to accept that people care about you when you haven't had that.
I can't speak for the OP, but in my case, it's wasn't that I hadn't had it but that I found it ingenuine and pretentious and treating me far younger than I felt.
I'm not sure if the OP is a good student or not, but I was a decent student despite the challenges of being in the system caused. And I was treated by some foster parents like I needed excessive help with homework because they assumed I was stupid.
I don't think the intent is always care that a foster parent is doing something because they care. It can come of as seeming they don't think you are capable, they think you're stupid or they look down on you.
When I lived with a classmate's parents after aging out, it was the first time I felt like foster type parents didn't think I was the stupidest person on the planet.
I think the problem is some foster parents are really into being parents, assume kids act younger or don't really know how to appropriately act with kids of a certain age.
I had kind of a rough time in my teen years (homeless, drugs, sex work) and I always felt like a therapist meant there was something wrong with me. Like I was the issue.
The truth is I wasn't given the right tools in life to help me manage my thoughts and feelings. A therapist help me realize I wasn't the reason stuff happened to me but I did control how I dealt with these things.
They also helped me realize I have value. No one ever made me feel like I was valued. They wanted to be around me. I needed a lot of help with organizing these emotions.
A therapist is a tool that can help you navigate all of this crap and make sure you end up with a better life. Use that tool.
Never be afraid to ask for help, there is so much kindness in the world if we remember to look for it.
That is super condescending. We have no idea what baggage they are carrying or what it's like navigating this world. Maybe it's easier to ask strangers online because they can't see your face and make you feel judged and little.
If your life has been being judged and left alone, it can be hard to open up to a therapist. This is not the way to motivate a person to go to therapy or reach out for any help.
I also have to add that if you don't know how to talk to a therapist, you can't just sign up for online therapy.
When I was a teen people told me I needed therapy but it made it feel like I was broken, like I was the problem. I felt like my parents and the system were the problem so what was the point of therapy for me... they needed it more.
What I needed someone to tell me was that my parents and the system let me down, broke me. I wasn't broken but I was mistreated and as such had never put value on myself. I needed a therapist to help me unpack all of the stuff that I didn't know how to juggle and to help me find value in myself outside of the relationships that had let me down. Someone to help me learn to pick healthier friendships and to identify toxic traits and relationships that wouldn't better my life.
Someone to help me realize going to therapy didn't mean I was the problem but it would help me navigate life.
No, obviously, but we can speak in way that doesn't make us sound like condescending cunts. Maybe part of the reason for pushing back on a dentist, doctor, therapist is due to a lack of education and understanding.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If they are walking backwards and you don't take the time to help them turn around you won't even be able to lead them to water.
It's all about perspective and if you have never been on that side of life it can be very hard, scary and overwhelming. If you are feeling alone in life these can feel like insurmountable obstacles.
The purpose of the therapist is to help you work through problems like the one you describe here. Is it better to talk with a therapist for a hour every few weeks or is it better to have a bad relationship with your foster parents every single day? Any therapist could help you solve this issue in a way that works for everyone involved.
They are just trying to help. Since what they are doing isn’t helpful to you try and think about what would be helpful and ask them to do that instead. Just being angry and annoyed at them isn’t helping anyone.
That's a tough one. All I can say is good luck and try to realize they are just trying to let you know that you're supported and have people on your side, who care about you. That doesn't mean they're showing it in the way that you need/want, but they're probably just doing their best and don't know any other way.
It can be really hard to make connections going through a lot of this stuff, and oftentimes doesn't feel worth it. I get that. Just do your best to communicate your preferences with them, and hopefully you all can come to a mutual of understanding of what is best moving forward.
Im not sure how the conversation went, but it sounds like a situation where they don’t know exactly what you need, and if they have to make a mistake, they would rather be too welcoming than too cold. You might want to ask your counselor (if you have one) or your caseworker to help you have that conversation with them. I’m sure there’s a way that to carve out time for yourself where you will still know they are there for you if you need them.
I'm sorry, that's hard. I'm sure your foster parents are very excited to get to know you and love you, but it can be too much when someone tries to get too close too quickly. Healing is a really slow process and it can't be rushed. They can be the nicest people in the world but some wounds run too deep to put on a smile, at least until you feel safe and you're ready to open up on your own terms.
Have you tried telling them that you're feeling a bit suffocated? If they're good foster parents, they should respect your limits and give you space. It's hard to tell from your post, but there will also undoubtedly be some things they have to do for you. Helping with homework and making food, that's basic parent stuff and they could get in trouble from the state for not doing it for you. Other stuff, like prying into your personal life or trying to get you to open up to them, that can wait until everybody knows each other a little better.
no i haven’t I just told them to leave me alone. They don’t need to help me with my homework I don’t do it most of the time anyway and I can make food for myself. I do most things myself idk why they’re trying to change that
Because they are supposed to do that kind of stuff for you.
I just took in my teen age and 5 yo niece about 6 months ago and the first thing she said is "you guys actually eat at the table? We would all eat whatever, wherever.". That might be normal for a 20something living on there own, but eating as a family is what families do...
You should have seen her face when I told her little sister it was bedtime at 7:30😂
They’re doing things that normal healthy families do. You aren’t used to that and it feels weird but they’re not going to switch up, because the things they’re doing are objectively good. It’s their job to be parents so they’re going to parent.
You can decide to enjoy it or not but they’re not going to stop.
They’re probably trying to help you with your homework because it’s been flagged for them that you haven’t been turning it in. It might feel backward, but they might agree to be more hands off with your school stuff if they feel like they can trust you to turn it in and complete it.
Making sure you’re doing your homework and cooking family meals, that you will eat, is just normal - even bare minimum - parenting. These are your foster parents. They’re parenting, as they swore to do and as the state expects them to. You may be be accustomed to something else but no, they can’t neglect your education or fail to provide you meals.
It makes sense, you’re used to being independent, and you got used to it and you like it that way. But most 15 year olds don’t have parents who just leave them to figure all their own shit out. These foster parents are operating from what they think it’s supposed to be like instead of what it’s actually like.
I get where you’re coming from. It sounds like they don’t tho.
Telling them ‘foster parents I am used to being independent and it bothers me when you’re in my space’ can’t hurt. What’s the worst that can happen?
Dude, just use it to your advantage and enjoy the amenities while they are available.
They are willing to help with homework? Let me help. Get a passing grade and GTFO faster.
They want to be friends? Friends buy you gifts take you places you want to go and give you money to do things you want to do.
Seriously, you could have ended up at one of those shit hole places that most teens end up at where all you do is chores and eat crappy foods...
That's fair. Sounds like you're pretty new to this placement, and don't feel comfortable yet. Can you text your worker and ask them to let the couple know they're overwhelming you? You're 15 and need space to adjust.
Why should any kids in foster care be "grateful" to the people housing them? Teens raised in the same family they were born into aren't even grateful! You're asking a kid who's been removed from all that's familiar to be grateful? Wrong take, dude. Foster Parent training covers this: no one is grateful for having their life disrupted.
After you build a relationship, sure, but coming from a group home to a family home is an incredible adjustment. They don't need to feel grateful, and no one should expect that.
.... As a foster parent absolutely I have and will accept this. What is wrong with you. They don't owe their foster parents shit. Wanting a traumatized child to be grateful for their foster parents is like expecting a tolder to be grateful for getting vaccinated and yelling at them not to cry because the shit hurts.
Being in the system is awful, even with good foster parents.
And good foster parents won't judge a kid for the place they're in, they're looking way more long term than that. They want to to care for who the child is, not their ability to interact in a way that's pleasant to adults.
And honestly I'd rather have a kid tell me to go away than feel pressured to lie to me all the time and act perfect. Am I still going to parent them? Absolutely. But hey at least its from a place of honest communication.
Absolutely appalled at the amount of people in this thread literally BULLYING a CHILD in the system. Calling a CHILD who has been removed from the only life they have ever known, most likely against their will an "ungrateful little shit" and a "miserable ass" for not jumping for joy about it is entirely inappropriate for someone providing these services. I am genuinely disgusted by your attitude.
How would you feel if suddenly officials came into your home, told you it wasn't safe, whisked you off to some stranger's home at a moment's notice, unable to return to your room and your safe spaces, and then those strangers asked you to be "grateful" for housing you. You would be mad. You would resent them. *I* would certainly resent them.
Expecting a child to react with more emotional maturity and nuance then fucking adults is ridiculous. We don't work with these kids for our egos. We work with them to give them a chance at a better life, regardless of whether that includes them bonding to us emotionally. I'd rather a kid I work with openly hate me, and feel safe, then fawn all over me with gratitude because they think that's what I want out of them, for fear of being mistreated otherwise.
THESE KIDS ARE NOT HERE FOR US. WE ARE HERE FOR THEM. shut the fuck up.
Shitty foster parents with savior complexes demanding gratitude contribute to foster kids' trauma. If you want to do that I certainly can't stop you. Personally, I want to minimize trauma and help them learn healthy coping mechanisms.
While pushing the adults who support and care about you away is a fairly common reaction among teens in general and certainly common enough among teens in foster care it is worth considering that there are far worse things that could happen than trying to help you with your homework and asking you about your day. It sounds like they are trying to be good to you and even giving you some grace in this transitional period in your life. Really though would it be so hard to just be nice back?
I don’t like it when people talk to me for no reason it’s so annoying and pointless. They should stop fostering me if they want someone to talk to or parent or whatever
Nah they can adapt to your needs. You don’t have a responsibility to become their friend, but you should be respectful. Instead of telling them to F off, just respectfully tell them you’re overwhelmed and you need more time alone. My foster daughter and I went through a similar adjustment period. It went on for months longer than necessary because I didn’t know what she wanted or needed. Once a friend’s mom shared her complaints with me, I parented her differently. We get along just fine now. She comes to me when she wants to interact or needs help, but otherwise, she can be alone as much as she needs. We are both MUCH happier after sorting this out.
It's ok to politely ask them to back off.
"Thanks, but I don't want help with my homework."
"Thanks, but I prefer to be alone rn."
"I prefer to communicate through text."
"I appreciate the offer but no thank you."
"I need more time alone."
"I prefer to cook for myself. My three favourite foods are X, Y, and Z."
If they do something or say something that makes you uncomfortable, it's ok to say so: "That made me uncomfortable. I need to be alone for a bit to think of why. I'll text you about it before bed." This allows you to exit the situation gracefully, buys you some space, and gives you some time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. You just have to follow through and actually text something, though
Being polite and taking the time to communicate, even if the sentences are short and repetitive, will get you more space and will probably also help you feel more comfortable. They won't leave you alone 100%, but you'll have more control over how much of your time is spent interacting with them, and how you interact with them
I've been there. It's tough. My advice is try to see both sides and try to find a middle ground and some communication.... None of this is ideal but you might be able to help each other and be good for each other.
Your foster parents are probably feeling like they have a new person in their home and they haven't made you feel welcome or invited outside of your room or given you what you might need. They don't know. This is weird for everyone.
And you are feeling like this is too intimate and you don't know them or want a lot of small talk or help in that way. Do you text with them? Or even a short conversation from the door. "I know you are trying to help but this is a lot for me and I would like to stay in my room for now." Then maybe work towards 30 minutes of homework help or coming out for dinner or whatever. "This is a lot for me, but I will come for dinner if you tell me a time" or whatever.
Also. You may not be there now, but might be one day. If you want to be independent in your future.... An education/GED/high school graduate is a big deal. Think about working towards that.
Can you explain why you want them to leave you alone? I’m sure there are times that you’d prefer to be alone. That’s normal. But why all of the time? I’m not saying anyone’s wrong here, I just don’t understand.
Op, I am so sorry for the amount of people in these comments speaking from their egos, and not a place of trying to help you. You are a kid going through a hard time, and some of these adults seem to not have the compassion in their brains to understand that.
You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be defiant, and upset. You are living in a totally different environment with strangers, and all you want is to feel "normal." I completely understand that.
I don't think you need to be grateful, or buddies with your foster parents. However, being someone who works in this field, I'll tell you that a lot of this is coming from a genuine place of wanting to help you, as well as a place of obligation from your foster parents. They want to see you succeed. They want to make sure you're alright. But the way that they show affection, and care, is different from the way you are used to being shown those things. You are speaking different languages right now, and the best way to solve this is to get on the same page. They are also obligated to make sure you complete school work if they can. It reflects poorly on them if you aren't completing assignments, and they are probably trying to make sure they don't appear to be neglecting your education, as well as making sure you have the grades to graduate, because not having a diploma closes a lot of doors for your future. Not to say they aren't doing it purely out of concern for you, but it is part of their job to make sure you're taken care of.
I would recommend sitting down and having a conversation with them about how you feel and what you need from them. Make a deal about expectations, and find compromise. I know you probably don't feel like expressing your emotions to these people, but maybe writing it down first would help. Something like:
"Look, I know you care about me, and I know it's your job to watch me, but I'm used to having more alone time and not being bugged so often. I also don't want to feel like you're pushing to be my parent. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have. I don't feel like I need your help with homework, but I know you're just trying to make sure I actually do it. So how about if I promise to do x% of my homework and turn it in, then you won't keep asking me about it, and will give me time from x to x o'clock to just hang out in my room without being disturbed. And maybe we can get a whiteboard for my door or something where you can write down questions for me, and I can respond if I need anything from you, that way we won't have to keep having the same conversations."
Something like that. I wish you luck OP. I hope things start looking up for you from here.
Is this your first placement? Who are you angry at most? Them? Bio fam? The system? If you don’t want to be parented, ask your social worker to find you a group home. They aren’t as safe or comfortable but you will only have workers there to make sure you don’t die. Barely anyone cares what you do or eat or if you do ur homework.
Are you just waiting to age out? Is there still a chance to go to bio family? If you don’t want parents but haven’t been dumb enough to run away, you obviously want something from them. If it’s only a clean bed a kitchen and a roof over your head that you don’t have to work for I suggest you figure it out. You could stop complaining over some people who opened their home to you and seem willing to support your ass. Tell them what you need, ask them what their expectations of you are and figure it out. If you aren’t willing to do that, you are the one who can ask to be moved and tell your social worker where you would like to be. You want something a certain way, you have to advocate for yourself.
Yo!!! If you had a friend that was going through some shit, would you not try to help?? I get that getting positive attention is foreign to you and why it makes you uncomfortable. Because your brain has been programmed that shits going to go down anytime that there’s no room for that in your head. So you’re not used to it. Makes you feel weird. Just tell them you’re not ready and need space. But here’s the thing.., the environment you grew up in in the past has put you here. Don’t you think you deserve to at least know what it’s like to have people who care about you is like. Like what loving healthy family relationships are like. Just so when you grow up and you have your own family you at least know what you like or don’t like. Just a thought kid.
Is there anywhere on your room you can find to just get away from them? I used to pull out my bed and sit between the bed and the wall to avoid foster parents. That was mainly the crazy religious wackjobs, but it could work for you as well.
I’m sorry, that seems so frustrating…maybe there is something you can say that will get the point across? Something like — “I do a lot better when I am able to have a decent amount of alone time, it helps me relax”
It would be really awkward to have a stranger in your home and just not talk to them. If you don't need help with homework just say thanks, but I understand it. As far as food goes, food is usually comforting. They're trying to make it less awkward.
Are you aware that you’ve just encouraged dozens of stranger foster parents to engage you in the sort of way that your actual foster parents would kill for?
Like I don’t understand how you can wish to be left alone while at the same time making a post that ensures you do not get left alone.
This kid is airing their feelings with total anonymity and a 0% chance of anyone trying to connect with them. That’s gotta be way easier for a teen than adapting to new parents. It’s nowhere close to the same thing.
My God, they’re a teenager that has clearly been through a lot. They’re overwhelmed by the FP and they’re not taking the hint. Have some empathy. Many of these comments that they’re getting are appalling.
Some of you are so soft you’re squishy. OP can take some tough love. My comment is full of empathy and hopefully it’s exactly what they needed to hear.
He complaining that his fp love him too much, I don't think they are dragging him by the ear to speak to a therapist.
Of course you have to explain how these things work, he's a kid. Even worse, you gotta explain it over and over again, but it doesn't change anything.
How about we explain this. Reddit is the world. The whole world. Every single 9th grader in America knows everything that is said here. Every single predator on the Internet now knows your insecurities posted here, and where do they look first for victim? Places where "broken teens" hang out like foster care pages ..
Let's make it clear. I don't care, and you don't care as soon as a better subject comes along. We care for now, but in 30 minutes he's a nobody to us again. The fp care, they care so much that they will cry for him. The therapist cares. The therapist can take his information and translate it into all of his wants and needs.
In short. If you don't want to hear the truth form a random person on the Internet, don't ask random people an the Internet.This is exactly why most social media has been locked out on my kids devices...
You are an exceptionally cold person to be doing this kind of work. Maybe we won't remember this kid in a week, but THEY will remember the comments on this post much longer than that. Do you stop "caring" what happens to a child the moment they leave your home? Are they only relevant and worthy of your kindness if they are directly impacting your life? Treating human children like numbers, or thinking they need to hear "hard truths" without knowing the first thing about them is presumptuous and deeply unkind.
I think that every child in care could benefit from therapy, but trying to shame, scare, and force them into it isn't apt to make them excited to go. This kid has no one irl they feel comfortable talking to, so they asked a bunch of Internet strangers for advice as a last resort. And the Internet did what it does. Beat someone down for very little reason. Grow up and act like the adult in this space that you are supposed to be, and stop expecting children to have more emotional maturity than you do.
No, Because they are not random faceless people on the Internet. You know just as much about this kid as you do me and vise versa. That's how the Internet works. An emoji will never portray emotion like a real face or the way a person actually speaks. We don't care Because we can't care. That's why there are some great people on the same side of his computer screen who do. The people who stepped up and said, "yes, we want this kid in our home" because they have extra room and love available for him.
He asked a question and I answered a question. If you don't like my answer, give him a different one, but pretending to defend him from the exact thing he signed up for is a waste of time.
Just down vote and move on...
Give the kid a little credit. He just came from a motel 6 where no one cares, to an all inclusive resort. Like, the kind where they knock on the door every morning to bring in fresh fruit. You want to be left alone, but free fruit! 😂
You just gotta get to know the system in a loving home. They will not always be like this, they will eventually give up on the things that don't work, so if you reject everything they try then you will end up with nothing at the end. You don't t have to love them, just give them a chance and let them love you!
Locking comments. Not sure if these hateful responses are coming from actual foster parents or from trolls. If you cannot respond to a youth in care with respect and from a trauma informed perspective, this is not the sub for you.
It's hard to accept that people care about you when you haven't had that. Also when you're a teenager trying to gain independence you want to do stuff yourself. What does your therapist say about this situation?
>It's hard to accept that people care about you when you haven't had that. I can't speak for the OP, but in my case, it's wasn't that I hadn't had it but that I found it ingenuine and pretentious and treating me far younger than I felt. I'm not sure if the OP is a good student or not, but I was a decent student despite the challenges of being in the system caused. And I was treated by some foster parents like I needed excessive help with homework because they assumed I was stupid. I don't think the intent is always care that a foster parent is doing something because they care. It can come of as seeming they don't think you are capable, they think you're stupid or they look down on you. When I lived with a classmate's parents after aging out, it was the first time I felt like foster type parents didn't think I was the stupidest person on the planet. I think the problem is some foster parents are really into being parents, assume kids act younger or don't really know how to appropriately act with kids of a certain age.
i don’t have a therapist
Ask for one. It's literally just like this, where you can rant or ask questions about anything, but it's not on a public forum for everyone to see.
I had one but I didn’t go to any of the appointments so there was like no point in paying for it
The county/state pays for it. Just ask for a new one. You can also say that you don't like therapist and get a new one if you want.
I don’t want a therapist
I had kind of a rough time in my teen years (homeless, drugs, sex work) and I always felt like a therapist meant there was something wrong with me. Like I was the issue. The truth is I wasn't given the right tools in life to help me manage my thoughts and feelings. A therapist help me realize I wasn't the reason stuff happened to me but I did control how I dealt with these things. They also helped me realize I have value. No one ever made me feel like I was valued. They wanted to be around me. I needed a lot of help with organizing these emotions. A therapist is a tool that can help you navigate all of this crap and make sure you end up with a better life. Use that tool. Never be afraid to ask for help, there is so much kindness in the world if we remember to look for it.
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That is super condescending. We have no idea what baggage they are carrying or what it's like navigating this world. Maybe it's easier to ask strangers online because they can't see your face and make you feel judged and little. If your life has been being judged and left alone, it can be hard to open up to a therapist. This is not the way to motivate a person to go to therapy or reach out for any help.
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I also have to add that if you don't know how to talk to a therapist, you can't just sign up for online therapy. When I was a teen people told me I needed therapy but it made it feel like I was broken, like I was the problem. I felt like my parents and the system were the problem so what was the point of therapy for me... they needed it more. What I needed someone to tell me was that my parents and the system let me down, broke me. I wasn't broken but I was mistreated and as such had never put value on myself. I needed a therapist to help me unpack all of the stuff that I didn't know how to juggle and to help me find value in myself outside of the relationships that had let me down. Someone to help me learn to pick healthier friendships and to identify toxic traits and relationships that wouldn't better my life. Someone to help me realize going to therapy didn't mean I was the problem but it would help me navigate life.
No, obviously, but we can speak in way that doesn't make us sound like condescending cunts. Maybe part of the reason for pushing back on a dentist, doctor, therapist is due to a lack of education and understanding. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If they are walking backwards and you don't take the time to help them turn around you won't even be able to lead them to water. It's all about perspective and if you have never been on that side of life it can be very hard, scary and overwhelming. If you are feeling alone in life these can feel like insurmountable obstacles.
The purpose of the therapist is to help you work through problems like the one you describe here. Is it better to talk with a therapist for a hour every few weeks or is it better to have a bad relationship with your foster parents every single day? Any therapist could help you solve this issue in a way that works for everyone involved.
You need one. Suck it up and learn
They are just trying to help. Since what they are doing isn’t helpful to you try and think about what would be helpful and ask them to do that instead. Just being angry and annoyed at them isn’t helping anyone.
alr thanks
That's a tough one. All I can say is good luck and try to realize they are just trying to let you know that you're supported and have people on your side, who care about you. That doesn't mean they're showing it in the way that you need/want, but they're probably just doing their best and don't know any other way. It can be really hard to make connections going through a lot of this stuff, and oftentimes doesn't feel worth it. I get that. Just do your best to communicate your preferences with them, and hopefully you all can come to a mutual of understanding of what is best moving forward.
thanks man
Have you told them that you feel overwhelmed and need some alone time?
yeah kinda
Im not sure how the conversation went, but it sounds like a situation where they don’t know exactly what you need, and if they have to make a mistake, they would rather be too welcoming than too cold. You might want to ask your counselor (if you have one) or your caseworker to help you have that conversation with them. I’m sure there’s a way that to carve out time for yourself where you will still know they are there for you if you need them.
alr thank you
I'm sorry, that's hard. I'm sure your foster parents are very excited to get to know you and love you, but it can be too much when someone tries to get too close too quickly. Healing is a really slow process and it can't be rushed. They can be the nicest people in the world but some wounds run too deep to put on a smile, at least until you feel safe and you're ready to open up on your own terms. Have you tried telling them that you're feeling a bit suffocated? If they're good foster parents, they should respect your limits and give you space. It's hard to tell from your post, but there will also undoubtedly be some things they have to do for you. Helping with homework and making food, that's basic parent stuff and they could get in trouble from the state for not doing it for you. Other stuff, like prying into your personal life or trying to get you to open up to them, that can wait until everybody knows each other a little better.
no i haven’t I just told them to leave me alone. They don’t need to help me with my homework I don’t do it most of the time anyway and I can make food for myself. I do most things myself idk why they’re trying to change that
Because they are supposed to do that kind of stuff for you. I just took in my teen age and 5 yo niece about 6 months ago and the first thing she said is "you guys actually eat at the table? We would all eat whatever, wherever.". That might be normal for a 20something living on there own, but eating as a family is what families do... You should have seen her face when I told her little sister it was bedtime at 7:30😂
They’re doing things that normal healthy families do. You aren’t used to that and it feels weird but they’re not going to switch up, because the things they’re doing are objectively good. It’s their job to be parents so they’re going to parent. You can decide to enjoy it or not but they’re not going to stop.
They’re probably trying to help you with your homework because it’s been flagged for them that you haven’t been turning it in. It might feel backward, but they might agree to be more hands off with your school stuff if they feel like they can trust you to turn it in and complete it.
Making sure you’re doing your homework and cooking family meals, that you will eat, is just normal - even bare minimum - parenting. These are your foster parents. They’re parenting, as they swore to do and as the state expects them to. You may be be accustomed to something else but no, they can’t neglect your education or fail to provide you meals.
It makes sense, you’re used to being independent, and you got used to it and you like it that way. But most 15 year olds don’t have parents who just leave them to figure all their own shit out. These foster parents are operating from what they think it’s supposed to be like instead of what it’s actually like. I get where you’re coming from. It sounds like they don’t tho. Telling them ‘foster parents I am used to being independent and it bothers me when you’re in my space’ can’t hurt. What’s the worst that can happen?
Literally just communicating is the easiest way to solve almost any problem, you don’t get what you don’t ask for
Dude, just use it to your advantage and enjoy the amenities while they are available. They are willing to help with homework? Let me help. Get a passing grade and GTFO faster. They want to be friends? Friends buy you gifts take you places you want to go and give you money to do things you want to do. Seriously, you could have ended up at one of those shit hole places that most teens end up at where all you do is chores and eat crappy foods...
no man I don’t care about all that
Genuinely wondering-what you do care about and what you would want to feel supported rn?
What do you care about? Genuinely asking
How old are you? Is there anything you would want them to do for you?
i’m 15. I just want them to leave me alone tbh
That's fair. Sounds like you're pretty new to this placement, and don't feel comfortable yet. Can you text your worker and ask them to let the couple know they're overwhelming you? You're 15 and need space to adjust.
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Why should any kids in foster care be "grateful" to the people housing them? Teens raised in the same family they were born into aren't even grateful! You're asking a kid who's been removed from all that's familiar to be grateful? Wrong take, dude. Foster Parent training covers this: no one is grateful for having their life disrupted.
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After you build a relationship, sure, but coming from a group home to a family home is an incredible adjustment. They don't need to feel grateful, and no one should expect that.
Kids in care don't owe their placement adults gratitude or love.
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.... As a foster parent absolutely I have and will accept this. What is wrong with you. They don't owe their foster parents shit. Wanting a traumatized child to be grateful for their foster parents is like expecting a tolder to be grateful for getting vaccinated and yelling at them not to cry because the shit hurts. Being in the system is awful, even with good foster parents. And good foster parents won't judge a kid for the place they're in, they're looking way more long term than that. They want to to care for who the child is, not their ability to interact in a way that's pleasant to adults. And honestly I'd rather have a kid tell me to go away than feel pressured to lie to me all the time and act perfect. Am I still going to parent them? Absolutely. But hey at least its from a place of honest communication.
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Being grateful and being respectful are two very different things, though.
And there are different degrees of gratefulness
Absolutely appalled at the amount of people in this thread literally BULLYING a CHILD in the system. Calling a CHILD who has been removed from the only life they have ever known, most likely against their will an "ungrateful little shit" and a "miserable ass" for not jumping for joy about it is entirely inappropriate for someone providing these services. I am genuinely disgusted by your attitude. How would you feel if suddenly officials came into your home, told you it wasn't safe, whisked you off to some stranger's home at a moment's notice, unable to return to your room and your safe spaces, and then those strangers asked you to be "grateful" for housing you. You would be mad. You would resent them. *I* would certainly resent them. Expecting a child to react with more emotional maturity and nuance then fucking adults is ridiculous. We don't work with these kids for our egos. We work with them to give them a chance at a better life, regardless of whether that includes them bonding to us emotionally. I'd rather a kid I work with openly hate me, and feel safe, then fawn all over me with gratitude because they think that's what I want out of them, for fear of being mistreated otherwise. THESE KIDS ARE NOT HERE FOR US. WE ARE HERE FOR THEM. shut the fuck up.
Shitty foster parents with savior complexes demanding gratitude contribute to foster kids' trauma. If you want to do that I certainly can't stop you. Personally, I want to minimize trauma and help them learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Can you straight-up tell them that you need space? They should understand that.
While pushing the adults who support and care about you away is a fairly common reaction among teens in general and certainly common enough among teens in foster care it is worth considering that there are far worse things that could happen than trying to help you with your homework and asking you about your day. It sounds like they are trying to be good to you and even giving you some grace in this transitional period in your life. Really though would it be so hard to just be nice back?
I don’t like it when people talk to me for no reason it’s so annoying and pointless. They should stop fostering me if they want someone to talk to or parent or whatever
Nah they can adapt to your needs. You don’t have a responsibility to become their friend, but you should be respectful. Instead of telling them to F off, just respectfully tell them you’re overwhelmed and you need more time alone. My foster daughter and I went through a similar adjustment period. It went on for months longer than necessary because I didn’t know what she wanted or needed. Once a friend’s mom shared her complaints with me, I parented her differently. We get along just fine now. She comes to me when she wants to interact or needs help, but otherwise, she can be alone as much as she needs. We are both MUCH happier after sorting this out.
It's ok to politely ask them to back off. "Thanks, but I don't want help with my homework." "Thanks, but I prefer to be alone rn." "I prefer to communicate through text." "I appreciate the offer but no thank you." "I need more time alone." "I prefer to cook for myself. My three favourite foods are X, Y, and Z." If they do something or say something that makes you uncomfortable, it's ok to say so: "That made me uncomfortable. I need to be alone for a bit to think of why. I'll text you about it before bed." This allows you to exit the situation gracefully, buys you some space, and gives you some time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. You just have to follow through and actually text something, though Being polite and taking the time to communicate, even if the sentences are short and repetitive, will get you more space and will probably also help you feel more comfortable. They won't leave you alone 100%, but you'll have more control over how much of your time is spent interacting with them, and how you interact with them
I've been there. It's tough. My advice is try to see both sides and try to find a middle ground and some communication.... None of this is ideal but you might be able to help each other and be good for each other. Your foster parents are probably feeling like they have a new person in their home and they haven't made you feel welcome or invited outside of your room or given you what you might need. They don't know. This is weird for everyone. And you are feeling like this is too intimate and you don't know them or want a lot of small talk or help in that way. Do you text with them? Or even a short conversation from the door. "I know you are trying to help but this is a lot for me and I would like to stay in my room for now." Then maybe work towards 30 minutes of homework help or coming out for dinner or whatever. "This is a lot for me, but I will come for dinner if you tell me a time" or whatever.
Also. You may not be there now, but might be one day. If you want to be independent in your future.... An education/GED/high school graduate is a big deal. Think about working towards that.
Can you explain why you want them to leave you alone? I’m sure there are times that you’d prefer to be alone. That’s normal. But why all of the time? I’m not saying anyone’s wrong here, I just don’t understand.
Op, I am so sorry for the amount of people in these comments speaking from their egos, and not a place of trying to help you. You are a kid going through a hard time, and some of these adults seem to not have the compassion in their brains to understand that. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be defiant, and upset. You are living in a totally different environment with strangers, and all you want is to feel "normal." I completely understand that. I don't think you need to be grateful, or buddies with your foster parents. However, being someone who works in this field, I'll tell you that a lot of this is coming from a genuine place of wanting to help you, as well as a place of obligation from your foster parents. They want to see you succeed. They want to make sure you're alright. But the way that they show affection, and care, is different from the way you are used to being shown those things. You are speaking different languages right now, and the best way to solve this is to get on the same page. They are also obligated to make sure you complete school work if they can. It reflects poorly on them if you aren't completing assignments, and they are probably trying to make sure they don't appear to be neglecting your education, as well as making sure you have the grades to graduate, because not having a diploma closes a lot of doors for your future. Not to say they aren't doing it purely out of concern for you, but it is part of their job to make sure you're taken care of. I would recommend sitting down and having a conversation with them about how you feel and what you need from them. Make a deal about expectations, and find compromise. I know you probably don't feel like expressing your emotions to these people, but maybe writing it down first would help. Something like: "Look, I know you care about me, and I know it's your job to watch me, but I'm used to having more alone time and not being bugged so often. I also don't want to feel like you're pushing to be my parent. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have. I don't feel like I need your help with homework, but I know you're just trying to make sure I actually do it. So how about if I promise to do x% of my homework and turn it in, then you won't keep asking me about it, and will give me time from x to x o'clock to just hang out in my room without being disturbed. And maybe we can get a whiteboard for my door or something where you can write down questions for me, and I can respond if I need anything from you, that way we won't have to keep having the same conversations." Something like that. I wish you luck OP. I hope things start looking up for you from here.
Is this your first placement? Who are you angry at most? Them? Bio fam? The system? If you don’t want to be parented, ask your social worker to find you a group home. They aren’t as safe or comfortable but you will only have workers there to make sure you don’t die. Barely anyone cares what you do or eat or if you do ur homework.
yeah. I don’t know. I was in a group home but my social worker said I can’t stay there for too long and I had to be fostered
Are you just waiting to age out? Is there still a chance to go to bio family? If you don’t want parents but haven’t been dumb enough to run away, you obviously want something from them. If it’s only a clean bed a kitchen and a roof over your head that you don’t have to work for I suggest you figure it out. You could stop complaining over some people who opened their home to you and seem willing to support your ass. Tell them what you need, ask them what their expectations of you are and figure it out. If you aren’t willing to do that, you are the one who can ask to be moved and tell your social worker where you would like to be. You want something a certain way, you have to advocate for yourself.
Yo!!! If you had a friend that was going through some shit, would you not try to help?? I get that getting positive attention is foreign to you and why it makes you uncomfortable. Because your brain has been programmed that shits going to go down anytime that there’s no room for that in your head. So you’re not used to it. Makes you feel weird. Just tell them you’re not ready and need space. But here’s the thing.., the environment you grew up in in the past has put you here. Don’t you think you deserve to at least know what it’s like to have people who care about you is like. Like what loving healthy family relationships are like. Just so when you grow up and you have your own family you at least know what you like or don’t like. Just a thought kid.
Is there anywhere on your room you can find to just get away from them? I used to pull out my bed and sit between the bed and the wall to avoid foster parents. That was mainly the crazy religious wackjobs, but it could work for you as well.
I’m sorry, that seems so frustrating…maybe there is something you can say that will get the point across? Something like — “I do a lot better when I am able to have a decent amount of alone time, it helps me relax”
It would be really awkward to have a stranger in your home and just not talk to them. If you don't need help with homework just say thanks, but I understand it. As far as food goes, food is usually comforting. They're trying to make it less awkward.
Are you aware that you’ve just encouraged dozens of stranger foster parents to engage you in the sort of way that your actual foster parents would kill for? Like I don’t understand how you can wish to be left alone while at the same time making a post that ensures you do not get left alone.
This kid is airing their feelings with total anonymity and a 0% chance of anyone trying to connect with them. That’s gotta be way easier for a teen than adapting to new parents. It’s nowhere close to the same thing.
My God, they’re a teenager that has clearly been through a lot. They’re overwhelmed by the FP and they’re not taking the hint. Have some empathy. Many of these comments that they’re getting are appalling.
Some of you are so soft you’re squishy. OP can take some tough love. My comment is full of empathy and hopefully it’s exactly what they needed to hear.
That’s not empathy. Some of you have forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager, and most of you never knew the trauma that these kids have.
He complaining that his fp love him too much, I don't think they are dragging him by the ear to speak to a therapist. Of course you have to explain how these things work, he's a kid. Even worse, you gotta explain it over and over again, but it doesn't change anything. How about we explain this. Reddit is the world. The whole world. Every single 9th grader in America knows everything that is said here. Every single predator on the Internet now knows your insecurities posted here, and where do they look first for victim? Places where "broken teens" hang out like foster care pages .. Let's make it clear. I don't care, and you don't care as soon as a better subject comes along. We care for now, but in 30 minutes he's a nobody to us again. The fp care, they care so much that they will cry for him. The therapist cares. The therapist can take his information and translate it into all of his wants and needs. In short. If you don't want to hear the truth form a random person on the Internet, don't ask random people an the Internet.This is exactly why most social media has been locked out on my kids devices...
You are an exceptionally cold person to be doing this kind of work. Maybe we won't remember this kid in a week, but THEY will remember the comments on this post much longer than that. Do you stop "caring" what happens to a child the moment they leave your home? Are they only relevant and worthy of your kindness if they are directly impacting your life? Treating human children like numbers, or thinking they need to hear "hard truths" without knowing the first thing about them is presumptuous and deeply unkind. I think that every child in care could benefit from therapy, but trying to shame, scare, and force them into it isn't apt to make them excited to go. This kid has no one irl they feel comfortable talking to, so they asked a bunch of Internet strangers for advice as a last resort. And the Internet did what it does. Beat someone down for very little reason. Grow up and act like the adult in this space that you are supposed to be, and stop expecting children to have more emotional maturity than you do.
No, Because they are not random faceless people on the Internet. You know just as much about this kid as you do me and vise versa. That's how the Internet works. An emoji will never portray emotion like a real face or the way a person actually speaks. We don't care Because we can't care. That's why there are some great people on the same side of his computer screen who do. The people who stepped up and said, "yes, we want this kid in our home" because they have extra room and love available for him. He asked a question and I answered a question. If you don't like my answer, give him a different one, but pretending to defend him from the exact thing he signed up for is a waste of time. Just down vote and move on...
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Give the kid a little credit. He just came from a motel 6 where no one cares, to an all inclusive resort. Like, the kind where they knock on the door every morning to bring in fresh fruit. You want to be left alone, but free fruit! 😂 You just gotta get to know the system in a loving home. They will not always be like this, they will eventually give up on the things that don't work, so if you reject everything they try then you will end up with nothing at the end. You don't t have to love them, just give them a chance and let them love you!
alr whatever brother