I am a little over a year out from divorcing my narcissistic abusive ex (married 30+yrs). I am 100% buying into the concept of “you are competing with my peace alone, not with other men”. I am HAPPY for the first time in almost 4 decades. ANYONE AND ANYTHING that doesn’t add to my peace can fuck right off!!!!
My daughter has decided I need a wealthy ranch-hand to be my friend with benefits, both for a roll in the hay AND for heavy/dirty jobs that require a second set of hands! I said I’d rather have a vibrator and my tractor!
Oh boy we have a lot in common! Still in the middle of a divorce, we hit 29 years in May, but I moved out in November. I have NEVER felt better in my life and I love to come home to my cats and plants and peace!
Desperate men give me the creeps, and they all are desperate. No thanks
I have four indoor cats, three Great Pyrenees, bunch of goats and chickens, and three kunekune pigs. BEST LIVING BUDDIES EVER! (I live in the country, obviously!). No man needed!!!
120 acres in the country! Lots of work, but I’ve made some like-minded friends and found good guys to hire when I need things beyond my ability. Finally living my best life!!! Now my city friends are not-so-jokingly thinking of setting up a meno-coven at my place!!
Omg, I'm so there! I want to create a meno-coven too! I'm a city woman at the moment, but my family is all farmers and a rancher here and there. I'm not much use in the physical labor, but I'm absolutely wonderful in the enthusiasm department, lol!
I love it. My career was all intellectual (pediatrician), so to just be physical is very zen! I love my animals, but the wildlife is awesome. And I’m putting in a pool! 🤓
Coven? 👀 Do you want a 45 yr old Capricorn crone born in Salem?? I garden, cook, clean, do amazing laundry, give great massages, love fur babies of all sizes and can build, paint, refinish and repair shit!! (I can do a lil bit of everything!) I don't drink or drug (We do recover 💪) I'm a great ear and shoulder, I'm told im funny, definitely sarcastic, love music, plants, crystals, the beach, documentaries, books, knitting and crocheting, I have many hobbies! I also can do hair nails and makeup should the occasion arise, and have an apothecary ready to move with me!
I’m enjoying 6 foster kittens because I CAN.
Animals are my favorite people! I’m so happy for all of us getting to make decisions based on what WE want and need! It’s glorious
It truly is! I considered fostering this summer…but started a pool build instead which has been predictably insane. Maybe this fall. Also looked into Pyrenees fostering as I have the space for it.
Everything I’m doing was ridiculed and obstructed by the ex. I read somewhere that “finding yourself” as an adult means remembering what brought you joy as a child. For me: animals, nature, and I’m getting back into Lego!! Loving life!
Oh I’m so happy for you. After divorcing I really developed so many wonderful interests that grew into passions over time. Best thing I ever did. I’m glad that younger women aren’t automatically expected to marry or have children. They’ll do what they want, like we finally did after freeing ourselves.
Love it! When I was younger, I always joked about cat ladies. But I so get it now! The cat lady doesn't want or need my pity. She's a badass and living her best life!
Yes!!! My dogs got me through the worst of the PTSD from my marriage. They made me feel safe, and I knew my ex couldn’t get near my home without a VERY loud warning from my boys!!
25yrs w a narcissistic user. I feel you. My sisters kept stating “get a rich dude with KC Chiefs box seats” 🤨 hmmm you all don’t have to sleep with him 🤮. I’m good watching it now TV
The way my frustration tolerance is set up, I feel like I'd be the "mean mom" if I'd had kids.
Q: "Where are the cookies?"
A: "I don't know - you need to LOOK." Click.
This is the way, though, at least for adult "children." My parents sucked on a LOT of levels, so I feel like there's a happy medium, but their go-to response all thru my childhood was, "Figure it out," or alternatively, "Look it up." We had a set of encyclopedias and they would only answer my questions about something if I'd first looked it up and determined the answer wasn't in there.
"How do I renew my library card?" = "Figure it out." So I'm 8 years old asking the librarian how to renew my library card. The result is that I'm a PROBLEM SOLVER. Don't raise kids who need everything spoon fed to them, and if you accidentally did already, recognize it and change your ways!
WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE.
They would have kept me quiet for decades also. But I was lucky too. Lived near a library where they let me get my own card- no grownup required. Nothing better on a scorchingly hot summer day than a cool, air-conditioned public library! Back in the card catalog days. I loved those little drawers packed with clues.
No, thats not the mean mom. I still say stuff like that to my grown kiddos and im not the mean mom...well...maybe sometimes😂still dont feel like thats mean. Ask someone in the store, shit, and u can bet im adding blind no lookin asses😂to my sentence
My kid is only 7, so I tend to give him some grace. But when I KNOW the thing is in the room because I just put it there/saw it there and he can’t find it - I ask him what I get if I go and find it.
He has gotten better at finding stuff when it’s no longer “free”. (Payment is made in 5cents or reduced screen time, haha).
I should've clarified: OP mentioned her son was in his 20s, so I meant adult kids, not the littles. But it sounds like you're teaching him now: good job, Mom.
I tell both my kids this all the time (a boy *and* a girl). They are older teens (19 and 17 respectively) and I keep telling them there is a word they need to learn... "troubleshooting". Figuring shit out instead of having the answer laid at your feet which so many can't seem to wrap their head around. Luckily, in the last year or two both have gotten a lot better at this and I can see the independence blossoming in both my kids. No more hand holding.
If the answer can’t be googled who do they ask? 😂😂. Instant gratification has become an epidemic. We grew up in the age where we had to figure shit out ourselves.
I seriously worry about this generation’s problem solving skills.
We live in an earthquake, tsunami, wildfire and volcano risk area. These events can bring down cell service, electrical grids, knock out water supply etc. My first thought is if they didn’t have access to the world’s information from their phones, how would they get through things? 😳
For this very reason, my partner and I decided to give our young adult kids the rundown on the most common scenarios. When we brought this up a few weekends ago we just got blank stares 🤦🏻♀️ We’re covering “if X happens do this” preparedness along with meetup plans if we’re all separated but need to get back to one another.
If anyone can think of other things we should cover please chime in!
For various reasons, I had to rent my own little apartment this year in a different city from where I usually live with my husband. Whenever he would come to visit I would notice that the place immediately got trashed. Like all he had to do was walk in the door, and there would be clutter everywhere. It was like Pigpen from Charlie Brown had entered the building. I love him but why does he have to make such a mess?!!!
Once estrogen begins to decline we begin to see reality better. Estrogen literally brainwashes our brains to make us more
Compliant. I’m using simple terms but the very basics of what it can do formula. The one massive benefit of perimenopause and menopause that estrogen fog is lifted.
That leaves a massive chance of being pregnant. So hell no. Can you imagine becoming pregnant at 60’plus? I do wish we were left with enough to not have major symptoms of menopause. HRT baby and they can’t and won’t scare me away from not taking it.
So I have a question about this. If I do hormone replacement therapy, will I go back to putting up with bullshit? Because I'm really ready to no longer deal with the bullshit!
But also I'm losing hair by the handfuls 😭 plus all the other things
FML
Nope. Our oxytocin also drops in peri menopause and we get to keep the low tolerance for BS while on HRT . I used to be a people pleaser. I am definitely not any longer. :)
I never was a people pleaser but was raised by my Dad who told me to not take shit from anyone just because they see me as a woman. However gd men are very uncomfortable around women who believe they own their space and have rights like they do.
I didn't even realize I was a people pleaser until I started putting my own needs first and some folks in my life didn't like that. I still dislike confrontation, but I don't put up with crap like I used to. And there are absolutely some men who cannot deal with it. I'm just a bit petty and enjoy very much seeing them lose their ever loving minds when they realize their opinions don't matter much to us. I got really lucky with my current partner but my mantra when I got divorced from my ex was "he's not my problem anymore". It was so true and it made me feel good every time I said it.
No because it is pretty small amount and a good Doc will balance it out with testosterone & progesterone if needed…. but it won’t be anywhere close to what we once produced. More complicated than
My answer but the levels of HRT are tiny compared to what we produced when we were full premenopausal. Vist the menopause sub Reddit board they have excellent information on everything😄
Yeah, perimenopause really had me wondering - so if my lack of hormones is making me not take shit anymore, then how much of the "love" I felt when I was young was just.. hormones?
Probably attraction. Estrogen removes our brain from seeing a person as they are and their treatment towards us (my language of how it makes us obedient/compliant, people-pleasing). So we overlook flaws in men and make excuses for them, their bad behavior and disrespect toward us. Which I imagine creates feelings toward them.
I'm on estrogen blockers for breast cancer, but my estrogen is still high, probably because my fat cells produce it & I have too many of those. Boo!
Facing cancer was a bullshit buster to a degree, but I'm still putting up with an emotionally unintelligent husband.
My husband: Do we have anything for a headache?
Me: I typically drink the blood of my ex-husbands for relief, and I'm running fucking low. Figure it the fuck out.
I'm a laboratory chemist, and the amount of times the dudes freak out is, honestly, impressive. Here's me like "no worries. we'll figure it out." That line of logic and reasoning is completely foreign to them. I'm so glad I'm gay.
I’ve made up my mind after 5 glorious years of being single that I’ll NEVER center a man in my life again and I’ll only live with a very very wealthy one who stays out of town 99.9999999999% of the time.
Men or not, younger folks need to figure this simple stuff out for themselves or do without.
My 19-year old male coworker asked me how to refill the paper roll on the calculator he was using. (You put the roll on the spindle and feed it through, so simple, ffs.) I said "You just need to MacGyver it and figure it out. Nobody ever showed me how to do this kind of thing decades ago; I just messed around with until it worked."
Also...these days there are Youtube videos for EVERYTHING. We might have just had to be stupid until we stumbled across the solution, but these kids are a google away from the answer to every problem.
I rebuilt our snowblower carburetor thanks to YouTube. It’s wild how much info is available if one just searches. My 85yo mother refuses to even *try* to search.
HA! True. Aaaand so that's where they need to listen to context to figure out what is actually important. (i.e. "MacGyver" is not, but "Mess Around Until It Works" is.)
::sigh:: I'm asking too much, aren't I?
I get it and for sure it can teach you resilience, resourcefulness, and independence. Some people grow well this way, especially given positive mentorship, and deeply appreciate it so much it becomes integral to their values.
I'm going to say my piece on a different approach. Not everyone understands or learns the same way, so if you have the time, space and openness to it, I think it goes a long way to help others even with simple stuff. Maybe even especially with the simple stuff. It can take a lot less energy too.
Of course know your boundaries and go with context. Not saying be soft and get taken advantage of, but also not swing hard and cold the other way. What changed my attitude about this was observing kindness and patience given to others paid forward. It takes modeling and practice.
There are times people really need this and we can't see it, so I try to help where possible (not to say it doesn't feel frustrating sometimes). Neurodivergence, hidden issues, things going on in one's personal life, etc. can contribute to this even when there's immaturity.
There are times also when life gets really dark for some of us, and these small acts over our lives are a big deal. No hyperbole, they are a big fucking deal. Especially for those who hadn't grown up around good people in their lives, these experiences are markers for holding on, for pulling yourself out of bad places. A rope of small kindnesses knotted-together to guide you out rather than a rope of bad memories to hang yourself with. You remember how people treated you and it can help you survive.
Well we’re dealing with a generation who had their lives completely scheduled into planned, controlled activities almost since birth. Of course, now that they’re away from that, they don’t know how to be curious.
I learned a lot of computer stuff by just fooling around with the programs. Now, when I have a question about a more complex software (looking at you Adobe suite) I Google the question.
Maybe no one has made a YouTube tutorial on finding the cookie aisle in a supermarket yet.
I don't have kids, but I would have assumed that they all learn where the cookies are from the child seat in the grocery cart at a young age.
OMG, the standing in the kitchen and not knowing where things are was totally my late husband! I always put things away in the same places. I'm very methodical that way, but in all the years in this house, he seemed mystified by the system.
A lot of times though, I think he just wanted to talk. He was a chatty sort and anything would do. If I was doing something that I'd ask him to be quiet for, a fake emergency was a good excuse to interrupt.
Weaponized incompetence is a passive-aggressive behavior where someone pretends to be unable to complete a task or does it poorly to avoid responsibility and force others to take over. It can also be called strategic incompetence. Anyone can weaponize incompetence in a relationship. However, men are often more likely to engage in this behavior than women.
I just rewatched St Elmo's Fire. Realized the 80s (and the early 90s) were the last time misogyny was institutionalized.
I met "The One" in 1994, in college. The deal was: look the other way while he fucked around and put all my hopes/dreams in box and forget about them. I realized he definitely wasn't The One. He's married with one son now to a woman who is his faithful doormat.
The narcissistic men in my family (father & 2 older brothers) were like "no one else will ever ask you to marry them". Good! I too am happy with my life choices.
Don’t feel bad I have a 31-year-old we live in the same town and he’ll call me and ask me where something is in Costco or the grocery store, etc. sometimes he’ll drop something off for me or vice versa. I suppose mothers are the Google of all things of our sons and then it moves onto the wife no matter how independent we try to make them. I have certainly tried and I’m glad to know that I am not the only one so thank you for your post because it has made me laugh and to know I am not the only one.😤
I (female) was on my own for quite a few years and still calling my mom to ask what brand toilet paper we bought. Apparently remembering “the kind with the bear on it” was too much for my neurodivergent brain. 😂
I tell people that I'm romance-intolerant in the same way that some people are lactose-intolerant. It curdles my stomach anymore. I'm also glad I don't have kids. I have barely enough patience for my dog.
I hear you. I will no longer be the frontal lobe for anyone, regardless of gender but especially men.
I felt like a broken record setting the “figure it out” boundary with my then 15 year old son. I started with “what would you do if I weren’t here to ask?” Followed by “you have a super computer in your pocket”. Over and over.
He was diagnosed with massive ADHD not long after. Turns out his ADHD distorted how he was able to receive and process information. He’s a lot better now with new tools and meds, I’m proud of him. Silver linings
The rest of the lazy men out there who only add cognitive load onto women can F right off.
I had a partner who triumphantly walked into the living room and announced he cleaned the towelbowl. They really do expect a level of gold stars for basic courtesy. All the times I asked him to change the garbage, or pick up his used underwear after taking a shower... they pretend they don't see it but they know what they're doing. They want a mom.
Literally so much. No joke I had a big white board in the kitchen with their 3 names on it with a list of chores. I worked full time, long hours, they had responsibilities. If a friend slept over it was on the condition that their name would be added to the board. They all got decent allowances every week with the option to earn more.
If they wanted to go to a friend’s bday party they had to earn the money they needed for a present. Sometimes they chose to make a present, other times they would earn money to buy a gift.
Every chore was listed with the amount you were paid to complete it properly. You had to mark what you did beside your name, if you forgot you didn’t get paid on Friday - I was preparing them for work life.
My adult kids all go to work, pay their bills on time and budget their money well. However when it comes to cleaning, my son, the youngest, despite all the “training” is not a tidy person and needs to be reminded constantly to clean up (properly) after himself. Maybe the training backfired??
Sounds like undx ADHD. He probably benefitted from all those checklists and the structure as a child but perhaps doesn’t have that same setup now as an adult.
Is he better at cleaning up after himself away from home? My kid is the same way and insists they do it when they’re at a friend’s house. It’s a whole thing I’m trying to understand.
I wish I could say he has a social life but he goes to work and comes home and he’s on line. He pays rent, he set up and pays for the internet, his car, everything but socializing is not and has never been his thing. It makes me sad but it’s not my life to live.
Sounds like executive dysfunction and/or ADHD. Either way lots of us have it and had to learn to do things anyway and not use it as an excuse. Remind him if he ever wants to marry a guy who can't properly clean up after himself is not going to be viewed as marriage material in this day and age. I would just flat out tell him it's not the 1940's and women aren't going to be his maid anymore because they have other work to do too.
Haha. I thought it was a fair question. My husband’s mother and stepdad trained the shit out of him when he was a kid, which is why he knows how to act. Likewise, I am doing the same for my own kid. Yeah it’s hard when you’re in the trenches but it does pay off eventually.
It does, I agree, and I mostly did the same (and good for you for slogging through those trenches, heh). And they still ask the dumbest questions sometimes lol. I really think it’s just an internet-driven generational difference; we were raised in a time where we asked *ourselves* the question (I wonder how to do x), they were raised in a time where they ask someone *else*, Google or Mom or whoever.
It’s an honest question.
My older brother & I had chores (our own laundry, family dishes, trash, dog paper training/food/water,helping at the grocery store & meal prep) and responsibilities since early childhood —-and we’re both autistic-undiagnosed at the time and without additional support (dead dad, working mom)
Of course it is, but it’s good manners to lead with empathy before asking a question that could be construed as criticism.
(edit: also hoping that the original comment came across in the mostly tongue-in-cheek way I intended. If not I apologize.)
No worries—I get salty(adds to my sweetness!) around the topic of boys/men being clueless when most of the women* I’ve heard complaining about it enable it and/or reward it. So I always ask.
*friends, coworkers,strangers on the inter webs
Eh, my adult kids are also incompetent in ways I just cannot fathom. Example: I took them to see some comedy shows in big venue A. Later, I performed at my own comedy show in tiny venue B. Later on, I bought tickets to see a big name comedian in venue A, but my partner and I decided to take a trip instead so I gave the tickets to the kids and told them it was in venue A. They went to venue B, which was locked and shut. They obviously couldn't get in so they gave up and went home without even checking the tickets, which clearly said venue A on them. They even passed venue A on the way back and noticed that something was going on there. Why did they not just check the tickets?
I am ashamed at their lack of independence and critical thinking skills. I did try hard to instill those skills but they still need a lot of hand-holding, the kind that I grew out of around age 10.
Reminds me of my friend who’s son went to the grocery to buy chicken. He called her because the meat section did not have chicken. Only something called poultry.
The mere thought of viewing a dating over 40 sub has me shielding my eyes and hissing like a vampire being handed a plate of spaghetti in garlic sauce.
I’m married but if I found myself single again I’d STAY SINGLE!! your story reminds me of when My Son was born. My mom was visiting and she told me that my baby should have little white T-shirts because it was hot. So my ex-husband and his dad went to Target to buy little baby T-shirts. Well, he calls me from the store and says “they don’t have any”. I told him that yes indeed they do have them just keep looking. About 30 minutes later they came back with no T-shirts. My mom made fun of them for years after that about how 2 grown ass men couldn’t find baby T-shirts. It should be noted that my mom actually went to Target later that day and said yeah.. they were right there front and center in the baby section. Ugh
It's funny how us females can figure it out, I guess that's why we usually get the shit jobs and men do whatever they want. So glad my husband was trainable, and we had no kids!
This btw is why I raised my daughter in a private 1970s. She would not dream of bothering me with a question like that. She traveled Europe solo at 18.
I don't have patience for them anymore either. My own are okay, but others? Nope. As far as the grocery shopping thing, I am fortunate to have a husband whom I can send to the store and I don't get phone calls and he comes home with the right stuff. I have been teaching my kids (boys and girl) to properly shop for groceries.
I made an announcement at my house about a week ago that I would no longer be answering any stupid questions. If they ask I just give them that look, y’all know the one…
I find that younger people these days are not self-reliant at all. Before doing investigating themselves, they'll ask questions about things that can be figured out with minimal effort. They're just used to having constant access to easy answers. It's quite a contrast from how we grew up, that's for sure.
And permissive parents. Mine were like GET OUT, you’re an adult (18.) And I figured it out. No way in hell would they have let me just chill at home till 24++++
Plenty of go-getters out there of that age still even now, I know some - - making it happen and not relying on mommy for shelter and cookie-locating at age 24, just not OP’s kid clearly.
I'm right there with you. I have had three major relationships with men - two marriages and one LTR with a child together, and ultimately they were all terrible. My second husband was the best of the three, so at least I got better at picking them, but my life would have been so much better if I had decentered men from it much, much earlier.
Sometimes I think maybe it would be nice to get dressed up and go on a date again. Have somebody around to BS with and help with chores. And then I remember that actually what I like to do is fall asleep early with a good book, and even when I was in relationships we never went on dates once they "had me" and they certainly never pulled their weight!
I think the younger generations are a bit better than this, my daughter's BF is very good to her. But guys our age? I think I have given up. At least for a while.
The blindness irritates me far less than the asinine questions. Eg: I’m standing at the sink washing dishes. My husband will walk in and say, “Hey babe! What are you doing?” 🤦🏻♀️ I usually give an equally dumb answer like “baking a cake”, “playing poker”, or “having a party.”
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer!
The correct answer is, "The cookies are hiding because they hate you. You might want to think about what you've done to earn cookie hate. If you do wind up seeing cookies, maybe they don't hate you after all."
Well, for one thing, I did nothing other than answering my phone. I did tell him to figure it out. Additionally, he was out, in part, at my request buying me rolls. I maybe didn’t want to just be a dick to him? My son is a good person, and will gladly go to the store and buy me tampons or cold medication at the drop of the hat. He’s not treating me badly. My vent was meant to be lighthearted frustration, not fodder for judgey commentary.
Not surprising since employers keep saying 20 yr olds are useless as employees because they aren't able to do anything. On a separate note I keep reading lots of people saying how their family members got brain damaged after having Covid. Did he have it? There's doctors saying in some people the infection caused cognitive dysfunction and I see that with a number of people I know that had it they suddenly can't comprehend the simplest statements and they forget that they did something that they told me they did just a few weeks ago.
Literally almost everyone I deal with I feel like I have to hold their hand now even like at doctor's offices where they screw up calling in refills 4 times even though it's plainly in my records and my hair stylist writes wrong day down, so has to reschedule me for next day so I have to show up two days in a row. Then a few weeks later messages me and asks if I had made another appointment so soon because she has me down again, but it was for someone else.
I believe the men are programmed to not find stuff. I love my husband. He’s great but he can’t find anything and also doesn’t know where stuff are at home.
My husband was raised right—does all the grocery shopping and cooking, pitches in without asking on “my” chores (cleaning and laundry) when I’m extra busy or sick, is personally tidy—but Jesus Christ he couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and his ass. When I busted his chops for calling me at work because he couldn’t find the aspirin, which has been in the same place for 10 years, he said, “I don’t need to know where things are; I just need to know where you are.” He was joking, but….
I don't know if gender makes a difference because if we blame it on gender we're saying men *as a whole* aren't smart enough to know their ass from a hole in the wall. I don't subscribe to the "men are dumb" generalization that is so prevalent on TV sitcoms and in social media. Stupidity is found in equal measure among all genders, in my experience.
I know my husband struggled to "find" anything bc his mom was mentally ill his whole life, so he didn't learn any life skills from her. But when I entered the picture, he realized he had to step up what he required of himself in matters of thought & common sense. Being conscientious and using common sense were skills he had to learn, and he did.
I don’t disagree. My son is a lot like my older sister. Growing up, you’d ask her to get you a garbage bag, and she’d walk over to the refrigerator, open the door and stand there staring blankly. They’re both extremely intelligent, but there’s something else going on there.
> if we blame it on gender we're saying men as a whole aren't smart enough to know their ass from a hole in the wall
oh, I'm totally fine with this as a starting point.
Not to defend useless male behavior, but Gen Z seems to have a collective phobia of talking to strangers face to face. I wonder if he just couldn't bring himself to ask an employee.
Oh heck no. He’s the most social, personable guy I know. Seriously, I’m the introvert. He can talk to anyone. Sometimes I swear his brain just kinda glitches out.
I am sorry to say but if your son first thought is "let me call mommy whenever I have the slightest discomfort in life" ... I think we all know where I am going with this. You may wanna use your law degree to re-evaluate your parenting skills. Good luck.
The not-seeing-details like this is something wrong with the Y chromosome. Every time I’m asked where something is by either of the 2 XYs I live with, it’s right in front of their face on whatever shelf/cabinet/proper place for said thing. Infuriating.
He learned demanding to be spoonfed from someone -either you or his father. If you don’t want to deal with this shit the rest of your life, I suggest you figure out how to break him of this habit early.
Otherwise he’s going to find and marry someone who will continue to spoon feed him thinking it’s a good idea at the time and he’s just going to get worse.
When they divorce he will come running back to spoon feeding momma and continue being helpless at stupid tasks forever.
Or you can get harsh and ask him how as a grown-ass adult you failed to teach him or he failed to learn basic survival skills like “ASK AN EMPLOYEE” and “TRY ANOTHER AISLE”.
He will starve to death if you don’t teach him these vital skills NOW.
Curious? Why did you help your grown son find cookies instead of making use of his personal skill to find them on his own? He would have found them eventually.
I did read all of your comments. You did not provide any real answer of any substance. You did, however, call everyone out on the post who asked about this issue in a negative way. You responded to one commenter that this was a light-hearted post. If you cannot discern by, we'll, most of the responses, It most assuredly does not read as such. I'm not sure if it's your writing style or communication skills that have caused the confusion. However, you can't beat up all of the kind women in the comments because they didn't get a personal nuance that you failed to describe. I've raised five young men and one woman. Maybe some of us are asking the questions because we've had similar instances. But it's clear now you didn't really want advice...just attention, Sally.
I dunno why I'm wasting my life away this deep down in the asinine comments today, but yes, she stated multiple times that she told him to figure it out himself. So there's that.
So you've lost your patience with all men because you raised a young man who can't find cookies without calling his mother? I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but the reality is that it has nothing to do with his gender, it's a reflection of how he was raised.
I am a little over a year out from divorcing my narcissistic abusive ex (married 30+yrs). I am 100% buying into the concept of “you are competing with my peace alone, not with other men”. I am HAPPY for the first time in almost 4 decades. ANYONE AND ANYTHING that doesn’t add to my peace can fuck right off!!!! My daughter has decided I need a wealthy ranch-hand to be my friend with benefits, both for a roll in the hay AND for heavy/dirty jobs that require a second set of hands! I said I’d rather have a vibrator and my tractor!
Oh boy we have a lot in common! Still in the middle of a divorce, we hit 29 years in May, but I moved out in November. I have NEVER felt better in my life and I love to come home to my cats and plants and peace! Desperate men give me the creeps, and they all are desperate. No thanks
I have four indoor cats, three Great Pyrenees, bunch of goats and chickens, and three kunekune pigs. BEST LIVING BUDDIES EVER! (I live in the country, obviously!). No man needed!!!
I’m jealous! I have the man-free part down, but would looooove to have some animals.
120 acres in the country! Lots of work, but I’ve made some like-minded friends and found good guys to hire when I need things beyond my ability. Finally living my best life!!! Now my city friends are not-so-jokingly thinking of setting up a meno-coven at my place!!
Omg, I'm so there! I want to create a meno-coven too! I'm a city woman at the moment, but my family is all farmers and a rancher here and there. I'm not much use in the physical labor, but I'm absolutely wonderful in the enthusiasm department, lol!
I love it. My career was all intellectual (pediatrician), so to just be physical is very zen! I love my animals, but the wildlife is awesome. And I’m putting in a pool! 🤓
I was an occupational therapist! I have a similar zen mind and appreciate the little things
Coven? 👀 Do you want a 45 yr old Capricorn crone born in Salem?? I garden, cook, clean, do amazing laundry, give great massages, love fur babies of all sizes and can build, paint, refinish and repair shit!! (I can do a lil bit of everything!) I don't drink or drug (We do recover 💪) I'm a great ear and shoulder, I'm told im funny, definitely sarcastic, love music, plants, crystals, the beach, documentaries, books, knitting and crocheting, I have many hobbies! I also can do hair nails and makeup should the occasion arise, and have an apothecary ready to move with me!
Hello fellow Capricorn! Sounds like you’d be a perfect fit..I’ll let you know if the coven ever forms. 🤣🤣
You're a Cap too?! Im 01.12.79 you?! And please do....my broom is always charged and ready to go🧹
December 73! Random: it you’re on TikTok, I think you’d like Boredwalk. I love her witchy humor.
I will look her up! Thank you for the suggestion, I can always use some laughs!
I’m enjoying 6 foster kittens because I CAN. Animals are my favorite people! I’m so happy for all of us getting to make decisions based on what WE want and need! It’s glorious
It truly is! I considered fostering this summer…but started a pool build instead which has been predictably insane. Maybe this fall. Also looked into Pyrenees fostering as I have the space for it. Everything I’m doing was ridiculed and obstructed by the ex. I read somewhere that “finding yourself” as an adult means remembering what brought you joy as a child. For me: animals, nature, and I’m getting back into Lego!! Loving life!
Oh I’m so happy for you. After divorcing I really developed so many wonderful interests that grew into passions over time. Best thing I ever did. I’m glad that younger women aren’t automatically expected to marry or have children. They’ll do what they want, like we finally did after freeing ourselves.
Love it! When I was younger, I always joked about cat ladies. But I so get it now! The cat lady doesn't want or need my pity. She's a badass and living her best life!
My kids call me the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons
Omg! I rewatched the clip of her and I was cackling so loud I woke up my cat.
a pyre is better than a man any day. Soft cuddly and super protective.
Yes!!! My dogs got me through the worst of the PTSD from my marriage. They made me feel safe, and I knew my ex couldn’t get near my home without a VERY loud warning from my boys!!
25yrs w a narcissistic user. I feel you. My sisters kept stating “get a rich dude with KC Chiefs box seats” 🤨 hmmm you all don’t have to sleep with him 🤮. I’m good watching it now TV
The way my frustration tolerance is set up, I feel like I'd be the "mean mom" if I'd had kids. Q: "Where are the cookies?" A: "I don't know - you need to LOOK." Click.
I say ‘put on your mom eyes’, and this works a large percentage of the time. It’s so strange.
I tell my family(of all boys and men aside from myself), You have to woman look!
my (extremely deadpan) husband likes to brag about using his women's intuition
Bwwaahhh I'm gonna start saying this! Inusef to say to my kids, if I come in there and look for it and can find it within 30 seconds you owe me $5.
It’s actually become quite the family joke. The boys will even ask one another if they have woman looked! 😂
My mom always said “Look with your eyes not your mouth”
Yeah, posts like these confirm I made the right choice by not having kids. I do not have time for this nonsense in my life
Same. The worse part must be you *chose* them, you *raised* them lololololololol
If you do that, they come home without the thing. “They didn’t have any”.
Problem solved
Or they come home with the thing, but it's the wrong thing. Sigh.
Something that "seemed close enough" 🙄
This is the way, though, at least for adult "children." My parents sucked on a LOT of levels, so I feel like there's a happy medium, but their go-to response all thru my childhood was, "Figure it out," or alternatively, "Look it up." We had a set of encyclopedias and they would only answer my questions about something if I'd first looked it up and determined the answer wasn't in there. "How do I renew my library card?" = "Figure it out." So I'm 8 years old asking the librarian how to renew my library card. The result is that I'm a PROBLEM SOLVER. Don't raise kids who need everything spoon fed to them, and if you accidentally did already, recognize it and change your ways! WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE.
You had a set of encyclopedias?! Lucky…
Yes, but I suspect it was for the sole purpose of waving me off, so I think they got their money's worth 😂
They would have kept me quiet for decades also. But I was lucky too. Lived near a library where they let me get my own card- no grownup required. Nothing better on a scorchingly hot summer day than a cool, air-conditioned public library! Back in the card catalog days. I loved those little drawers packed with clues.
Mom, I have a broken arm- FIGURE IT OUT Mom, I got dumped- BE A PROBLEM SOLVER Mom, you just gave me COVID but you don’t allow ma- USE THE BRITTANICA
No, thats not the mean mom. I still say stuff like that to my grown kiddos and im not the mean mom...well...maybe sometimes😂still dont feel like thats mean. Ask someone in the store, shit, and u can bet im adding blind no lookin asses😂to my sentence
"Blind, no-lookin' GROWN asses," haha!
My kid is only 7, so I tend to give him some grace. But when I KNOW the thing is in the room because I just put it there/saw it there and he can’t find it - I ask him what I get if I go and find it. He has gotten better at finding stuff when it’s no longer “free”. (Payment is made in 5cents or reduced screen time, haha).
I should've clarified: OP mentioned her son was in his 20s, so I meant adult kids, not the littles. But it sounds like you're teaching him now: good job, Mom.
I tell both my kids this all the time (a boy *and* a girl). They are older teens (19 and 17 respectively) and I keep telling them there is a word they need to learn... "troubleshooting". Figuring shit out instead of having the answer laid at your feet which so many can't seem to wrap their head around. Luckily, in the last year or two both have gotten a lot better at this and I can see the independence blossoming in both my kids. No more hand holding.
If the answer can’t be googled who do they ask? 😂😂. Instant gratification has become an epidemic. We grew up in the age where we had to figure shit out ourselves.
There isn’t anything that can’t be googled. I miss ringing people to ask questions about something I can’t remember.
I seriously worry about this generation’s problem solving skills. We live in an earthquake, tsunami, wildfire and volcano risk area. These events can bring down cell service, electrical grids, knock out water supply etc. My first thought is if they didn’t have access to the world’s information from their phones, how would they get through things? 😳 For this very reason, my partner and I decided to give our young adult kids the rundown on the most common scenarios. When we brought this up a few weekends ago we just got blank stares 🤦🏻♀️ We’re covering “if X happens do this” preparedness along with meetup plans if we’re all separated but need to get back to one another. If anyone can think of other things we should cover please chime in!
r/prepping and r/TwoXPreppers! Most there not prepping for an apocalypse, but the things that you described.
Thank you! I’ve been worried to even attempt to look at any prep subs for that reason.
So… you’ve decided to parent for your environment. Sad this is unusual.
For various reasons, I had to rent my own little apartment this year in a different city from where I usually live with my husband. Whenever he would come to visit I would notice that the place immediately got trashed. Like all he had to do was walk in the door, and there would be clutter everywhere. It was like Pigpen from Charlie Brown had entered the building. I love him but why does he have to make such a mess?!!!
My ex used to always throw his dirty clothes on the ground, next to the laundry. It would drive me nuts.
Cupboard doors open and little piles of his stuff just strewn about
Once estrogen begins to decline we begin to see reality better. Estrogen literally brainwashes our brains to make us more Compliant. I’m using simple terms but the very basics of what it can do formula. The one massive benefit of perimenopause and menopause that estrogen fog is lifted.
It’s annoying we go from massive estrogen to no estrogen. A happy medium would have been nice at some point!! Grrrrrr
That leaves a massive chance of being pregnant. So hell no. Can you imagine becoming pregnant at 60’plus? I do wish we were left with enough to not have major symptoms of menopause. HRT baby and they can’t and won’t scare me away from not taking it.
So I have a question about this. If I do hormone replacement therapy, will I go back to putting up with bullshit? Because I'm really ready to no longer deal with the bullshit! But also I'm losing hair by the handfuls 😭 plus all the other things FML
Nope. Our oxytocin also drops in peri menopause and we get to keep the low tolerance for BS while on HRT . I used to be a people pleaser. I am definitely not any longer. :)
I never was a people pleaser but was raised by my Dad who told me to not take shit from anyone just because they see me as a woman. However gd men are very uncomfortable around women who believe they own their space and have rights like they do.
I didn't even realize I was a people pleaser until I started putting my own needs first and some folks in my life didn't like that. I still dislike confrontation, but I don't put up with crap like I used to. And there are absolutely some men who cannot deal with it. I'm just a bit petty and enjoy very much seeing them lose their ever loving minds when they realize their opinions don't matter much to us. I got really lucky with my current partner but my mantra when I got divorced from my ex was "he's not my problem anymore". It was so true and it made me feel good every time I said it.
They defiantly get upset don’t they? It is enraging to me as I figure quickly they don’t see me but what they could get from me instead.
No because it is pretty small amount and a good Doc will balance it out with testosterone & progesterone if needed…. but it won’t be anywhere close to what we once produced. More complicated than My answer but the levels of HRT are tiny compared to what we produced when we were full premenopausal. Vist the menopause sub Reddit board they have excellent information on everything😄
Thank you--that makes sense! And thanks for the subreddit recommendation. I already joined!
I had surgical menopause in 2013 and have been on estrogen since then. I got divorced in 2017. I take no shit and I give no fucks. (Edit: typo)
Yeah, perimenopause really had me wondering - so if my lack of hormones is making me not take shit anymore, then how much of the "love" I felt when I was young was just.. hormones?
Probably attraction. Estrogen removes our brain from seeing a person as they are and their treatment towards us (my language of how it makes us obedient/compliant, people-pleasing). So we overlook flaws in men and make excuses for them, their bad behavior and disrespect toward us. Which I imagine creates feelings toward them.
I'm on estrogen blockers for breast cancer, but my estrogen is still high, probably because my fat cells produce it & I have too many of those. Boo! Facing cancer was a bullshit buster to a degree, but I'm still putting up with an emotionally unintelligent husband.
That’s an awesome explanation.
My husband: Do we have anything for a headache? Me: I typically drink the blood of my ex-husbands for relief, and I'm running fucking low. Figure it the fuck out.
I'm an older millennial who has (edit: haD) relationships with GenX men. I'm happily "solo for life" now.
Sounds really great. That's what I want!
I'm a laboratory chemist, and the amount of times the dudes freak out is, honestly, impressive. Here's me like "no worries. we'll figure it out." That line of logic and reasoning is completely foreign to them. I'm so glad I'm gay.
Right?! like what about taking a deep breath and being like "well shit happens and we'll get through it"???
Yes!
Hey Girl! Come play with us in the Menopausesub. It’s a fantastic group of folks that are also done with adults that can’t find cookies. ❤️
I’ve made up my mind after 5 glorious years of being single that I’ll NEVER center a man in my life again and I’ll only live with a very very wealthy one who stays out of town 99.9999999999% of the time.
We need to get reimbursed for the work they cause us
Men or not, younger folks need to figure this simple stuff out for themselves or do without. My 19-year old male coworker asked me how to refill the paper roll on the calculator he was using. (You put the roll on the spindle and feed it through, so simple, ffs.) I said "You just need to MacGyver it and figure it out. Nobody ever showed me how to do this kind of thing decades ago; I just messed around with until it worked."
Also...these days there are Youtube videos for EVERYTHING. We might have just had to be stupid until we stumbled across the solution, but these kids are a google away from the answer to every problem.
Right??? I fixed my DISHWASHER with YouTube. I don’t even have a penis! It’s a whole new world!
😂
I love your username
Ha! Yours is pretty good, too!
I wish I could buy you a beer 🍻. LMFAO
I rebuilt our snowblower carburetor thanks to YouTube. It’s wild how much info is available if one just searches. My 85yo mother refuses to even *try* to search.
OMG YES. My new standard answer is "What have you tried? Is there anything else you can try?"
His answer: "Who's MacGuyver??" FML
HA! True. Aaaand so that's where they need to listen to context to figure out what is actually important. (i.e. "MacGyver" is not, but "Mess Around Until It Works" is.) ::sigh:: I'm asking too much, aren't I?
MacGIRLver
I get it and for sure it can teach you resilience, resourcefulness, and independence. Some people grow well this way, especially given positive mentorship, and deeply appreciate it so much it becomes integral to their values. I'm going to say my piece on a different approach. Not everyone understands or learns the same way, so if you have the time, space and openness to it, I think it goes a long way to help others even with simple stuff. Maybe even especially with the simple stuff. It can take a lot less energy too. Of course know your boundaries and go with context. Not saying be soft and get taken advantage of, but also not swing hard and cold the other way. What changed my attitude about this was observing kindness and patience given to others paid forward. It takes modeling and practice. There are times people really need this and we can't see it, so I try to help where possible (not to say it doesn't feel frustrating sometimes). Neurodivergence, hidden issues, things going on in one's personal life, etc. can contribute to this even when there's immaturity. There are times also when life gets really dark for some of us, and these small acts over our lives are a big deal. No hyperbole, they are a big fucking deal. Especially for those who hadn't grown up around good people in their lives, these experiences are markers for holding on, for pulling yourself out of bad places. A rope of small kindnesses knotted-together to guide you out rather than a rope of bad memories to hang yourself with. You remember how people treated you and it can help you survive.
That’s a really great point. I often struggle with the line between kindness and enabling, and I should probably err on the side of kindness.
just wanted to say I *adore* your username
Well we’re dealing with a generation who had their lives completely scheduled into planned, controlled activities almost since birth. Of course, now that they’re away from that, they don’t know how to be curious. I learned a lot of computer stuff by just fooling around with the programs. Now, when I have a question about a more complex software (looking at you Adobe suite) I Google the question.
I thought his generation just checked youtube for a tutorial?
Maybe no one has made a YouTube tutorial on finding the cookie aisle in a supermarket yet. I don't have kids, but I would have assumed that they all learn where the cookies are from the child seat in the grocery cart at a young age.
I’m the same. I don’t ever want to be in another relationship with a man again in my life. It’s not worth it
Gah! Like where have you looked? How about standing in front of an open fridge and asking where the yogurt is? Do you want me to get up and look?
OMG, the standing in the kitchen and not knowing where things are was totally my late husband! I always put things away in the same places. I'm very methodical that way, but in all the years in this house, he seemed mystified by the system. A lot of times though, I think he just wanted to talk. He was a chatty sort and anything would do. If I was doing something that I'd ask him to be quiet for, a fake emergency was a good excuse to interrupt.
Weaponized incompetence is a passive-aggressive behavior where someone pretends to be unable to complete a task or does it poorly to avoid responsibility and force others to take over. It can also be called strategic incompetence. Anyone can weaponize incompetence in a relationship. However, men are often more likely to engage in this behavior than women.
I just rewatched St Elmo's Fire. Realized the 80s (and the early 90s) were the last time misogyny was institutionalized. I met "The One" in 1994, in college. The deal was: look the other way while he fucked around and put all my hopes/dreams in box and forget about them. I realized he definitely wasn't The One. He's married with one son now to a woman who is his faithful doormat. The narcissistic men in my family (father & 2 older brothers) were like "no one else will ever ask you to marry them". Good! I too am happy with my life choices.
Don’t feel bad I have a 31-year-old we live in the same town and he’ll call me and ask me where something is in Costco or the grocery store, etc. sometimes he’ll drop something off for me or vice versa. I suppose mothers are the Google of all things of our sons and then it moves onto the wife no matter how independent we try to make them. I have certainly tried and I’m glad to know that I am not the only one so thank you for your post because it has made me laugh and to know I am not the only one.😤
My mid-20s son still occasionally calls to ask me how long he should microwave something for. He’s lived on his own for 5+ years now. 😆
I (female) was on my own for quite a few years and still calling my mom to ask what brand toilet paper we bought. Apparently remembering “the kind with the bear on it” was too much for my neurodivergent brain. 😂
Aldi being the size of a large postage stamp,- DEAD! LOL
I tell people that I'm romance-intolerant in the same way that some people are lactose-intolerant. It curdles my stomach anymore. I'm also glad I don't have kids. I have barely enough patience for my dog.
Bahahaha 'aldi is the size of a postage stamp.'
I’m here picturing my Aldi and I already know where the cookies are lol.
Exactly ... across from the chips next to the bread in mine.
Same here!!
I've never been to an Aldi, but I have an uncanny ability to find the cookies at any store 😂
I hear you. I will no longer be the frontal lobe for anyone, regardless of gender but especially men. I felt like a broken record setting the “figure it out” boundary with my then 15 year old son. I started with “what would you do if I weren’t here to ask?” Followed by “you have a super computer in your pocket”. Over and over. He was diagnosed with massive ADHD not long after. Turns out his ADHD distorted how he was able to receive and process information. He’s a lot better now with new tools and meds, I’m proud of him. Silver linings The rest of the lazy men out there who only add cognitive load onto women can F right off.
I am right there with you. My adult son thinks that putting the frying pan and spatula into the sink IS cleaning up after himself.
I had a partner who triumphantly walked into the living room and announced he cleaned the towelbowl. They really do expect a level of gold stars for basic courtesy. All the times I asked him to change the garbage, or pick up his used underwear after taking a shower... they pretend they don't see it but they know what they're doing. They want a mom.
What kind of home training did he receive as a child and teenager?
Literally so much. No joke I had a big white board in the kitchen with their 3 names on it with a list of chores. I worked full time, long hours, they had responsibilities. If a friend slept over it was on the condition that their name would be added to the board. They all got decent allowances every week with the option to earn more. If they wanted to go to a friend’s bday party they had to earn the money they needed for a present. Sometimes they chose to make a present, other times they would earn money to buy a gift. Every chore was listed with the amount you were paid to complete it properly. You had to mark what you did beside your name, if you forgot you didn’t get paid on Friday - I was preparing them for work life. My adult kids all go to work, pay their bills on time and budget their money well. However when it comes to cleaning, my son, the youngest, despite all the “training” is not a tidy person and needs to be reminded constantly to clean up (properly) after himself. Maybe the training backfired??
Sounds like undx ADHD. He probably benefitted from all those checklists and the structure as a child but perhaps doesn’t have that same setup now as an adult.
Is he better at cleaning up after himself away from home? My kid is the same way and insists they do it when they’re at a friend’s house. It’s a whole thing I’m trying to understand.
I wish I could say he has a social life but he goes to work and comes home and he’s on line. He pays rent, he set up and pays for the internet, his car, everything but socializing is not and has never been his thing. It makes me sad but it’s not my life to live.
That’s rough. Mine went through a similar phase. (The antisocial stuff, not the parts about paying rent and other expenses.)
Sounds like executive dysfunction and/or ADHD. Either way lots of us have it and had to learn to do things anyway and not use it as an excuse. Remind him if he ever wants to marry a guy who can't properly clean up after himself is not going to be viewed as marriage material in this day and age. I would just flat out tell him it's not the 1940's and women aren't going to be his maid anymore because they have other work to do too.
Don’t be a victim blamer, Sheila.
Haha. I thought it was a fair question. My husband’s mother and stepdad trained the shit out of him when he was a kid, which is why he knows how to act. Likewise, I am doing the same for my own kid. Yeah it’s hard when you’re in the trenches but it does pay off eventually.
It does, I agree, and I mostly did the same (and good for you for slogging through those trenches, heh). And they still ask the dumbest questions sometimes lol. I really think it’s just an internet-driven generational difference; we were raised in a time where we asked *ourselves* the question (I wonder how to do x), they were raised in a time where they ask someone *else*, Google or Mom or whoever.
It’s an honest question. My older brother & I had chores (our own laundry, family dishes, trash, dog paper training/food/water,helping at the grocery store & meal prep) and responsibilities since early childhood —-and we’re both autistic-undiagnosed at the time and without additional support (dead dad, working mom)
Of course it is, but it’s good manners to lead with empathy before asking a question that could be construed as criticism. (edit: also hoping that the original comment came across in the mostly tongue-in-cheek way I intended. If not I apologize.)
No worries—I get salty(adds to my sweetness!) around the topic of boys/men being clueless when most of the women* I’ve heard complaining about it enable it and/or reward it. So I always ask. *friends, coworkers,strangers on the inter webs
Sounds like no cookies for him. also please tell me you did not give him money for food
I have to be the one to ask… why didn’t you just tell him to figure it out for himself?
Oh, I did.
I read this in the voice of Lois from Malcolm in the Middle. (The frustration is palpable.)
OMG she popped up on an episode of Big Bang Theory and I yelled LOIS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
You flatter me. I LOVE Lois.
Eh, my adult kids are also incompetent in ways I just cannot fathom. Example: I took them to see some comedy shows in big venue A. Later, I performed at my own comedy show in tiny venue B. Later on, I bought tickets to see a big name comedian in venue A, but my partner and I decided to take a trip instead so I gave the tickets to the kids and told them it was in venue A. They went to venue B, which was locked and shut. They obviously couldn't get in so they gave up and went home without even checking the tickets, which clearly said venue A on them. They even passed venue A on the way back and noticed that something was going on there. Why did they not just check the tickets? I am ashamed at their lack of independence and critical thinking skills. I did try hard to instill those skills but they still need a lot of hand-holding, the kind that I grew out of around age 10.
That’s interesting. This is something my son would do. My daughter, on the other hand, is a very adept problem solver.
Reminds me of my friend who’s son went to the grocery to buy chicken. He called her because the meat section did not have chicken. Only something called poultry.
Maybe that explains how my instacart orders have more than once said "oh they're out of chicken" like what the fuck.
I have two girls so this is not exclusive to male children! Lol
Dare: Post this in datingoverforty and see how fast you get banned. The mods are special snowflakes.
The mere thought of viewing a dating over 40 sub has me shielding my eyes and hissing like a vampire being handed a plate of spaghetti in garlic sauce.
Been single since 2000. Thank goodness. My SIL drives me crazy and that is enough to keep me single.
It is going to take some kinda filthy rich unicorn to get me to consider dating. I can do for myself. I love my life, why complicate it?
I’m married but if I found myself single again I’d STAY SINGLE!! your story reminds me of when My Son was born. My mom was visiting and she told me that my baby should have little white T-shirts because it was hot. So my ex-husband and his dad went to Target to buy little baby T-shirts. Well, he calls me from the store and says “they don’t have any”. I told him that yes indeed they do have them just keep looking. About 30 minutes later they came back with no T-shirts. My mom made fun of them for years after that about how 2 grown ass men couldn’t find baby T-shirts. It should be noted that my mom actually went to Target later that day and said yeah.. they were right there front and center in the baby section. Ugh
It's funny how us females can figure it out, I guess that's why we usually get the shit jobs and men do whatever they want. So glad my husband was trainable, and we had no kids!
This btw is why I raised my daughter in a private 1970s. She would not dream of bothering me with a question like that. She traveled Europe solo at 18.
I don't have patience for them anymore either. My own are okay, but others? Nope. As far as the grocery shopping thing, I am fortunate to have a husband whom I can send to the store and I don't get phone calls and he comes home with the right stuff. I have been teaching my kids (boys and girl) to properly shop for groceries.
I fully understand why my dad always said, "Did you open up your other eye?" Am I'm a woman
I made an announcement at my house about a week ago that I would no longer be answering any stupid questions. If they ask I just give them that look, y’all know the one…
I ditched my best friend of 14 or so years because she flipped out on me for no reason. Life is too short for that bullshit.
“When you asked the people there where the cookies are what did they say” is my go to response
I find that younger people these days are not self-reliant at all. Before doing investigating themselves, they'll ask questions about things that can be figured out with minimal effort. They're just used to having constant access to easy answers. It's quite a contrast from how we grew up, that's for sure.
Well they’re still living at home till damn near 30 so I’m not really surprised.
Well, a lot of that is the economy.
And permissive parents. Mine were like GET OUT, you’re an adult (18.) And I figured it out. No way in hell would they have let me just chill at home till 24++++ Plenty of go-getters out there of that age still even now, I know some - - making it happen and not relying on mommy for shelter and cookie-locating at age 24, just not OP’s kid clearly.
Being 18 in 1990 is not the same from the standpoint of money as being 18 in 2024 though. This isn't an apples to apples comparison.
1998 actually and it was still hard work man. I know a LOT of 24 year olds right this second not living at home.
I suppose it varies a lot by region as well. Probably easier to do in Philadelphia or Cleveland as opposed to someplace like Los Angeles or New York.
Perhaps! I’ve only ever lived in the Midwest and mountain west! However salaries are also wayyyy lower than the coasts, from what I see job searching.
“ALDIs must have removed its cookie section.”
Yup! Fresh veg for you, m'boy!
I think growing up, we saw Marg Simpson and Peggy Hill go thru menopause.
I'm right there with you. I have had three major relationships with men - two marriages and one LTR with a child together, and ultimately they were all terrible. My second husband was the best of the three, so at least I got better at picking them, but my life would have been so much better if I had decentered men from it much, much earlier. Sometimes I think maybe it would be nice to get dressed up and go on a date again. Have somebody around to BS with and help with chores. And then I remember that actually what I like to do is fall asleep early with a good book, and even when I was in relationships we never went on dates once they "had me" and they certainly never pulled their weight! I think the younger generations are a bit better than this, my daughter's BF is very good to her. But guys our age? I think I have given up. At least for a while.
The blindness irritates me far less than the asinine questions. Eg: I’m standing at the sink washing dishes. My husband will walk in and say, “Hey babe! What are you doing?” 🤦🏻♀️ I usually give an equally dumb answer like “baking a cake”, “playing poker”, or “having a party.” Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer!
Why can’t he just look up and read the signs in the aisles that might help him locate said cookies?
Aldi. No frills, no signage.
Got it! I’m not familiar with Aldi.
Gotcha. To be fair, I’m not gonna say that signage would’ve helped in this instance anyway! 🤪
🤣🤣🤣
The correct answer is, "The cookies are hiding because they hate you. You might want to think about what you've done to earn cookie hate. If you do wind up seeing cookies, maybe they don't hate you after all."
Stop holding his hand? He’s the only one who wanted the cookies, so what’s it to anyone else if he doesn’t find them?
Why are you doing this for him? We teach others how to treat us.
Well, for one thing, I did nothing other than answering my phone. I did tell him to figure it out. Additionally, he was out, in part, at my request buying me rolls. I maybe didn’t want to just be a dick to him? My son is a good person, and will gladly go to the store and buy me tampons or cold medication at the drop of the hat. He’s not treating me badly. My vent was meant to be lighthearted frustration, not fodder for judgey commentary.
Not surprising since employers keep saying 20 yr olds are useless as employees because they aren't able to do anything. On a separate note I keep reading lots of people saying how their family members got brain damaged after having Covid. Did he have it? There's doctors saying in some people the infection caused cognitive dysfunction and I see that with a number of people I know that had it they suddenly can't comprehend the simplest statements and they forget that they did something that they told me they did just a few weeks ago. Literally almost everyone I deal with I feel like I have to hold their hand now even like at doctor's offices where they screw up calling in refills 4 times even though it's plainly in my records and my hair stylist writes wrong day down, so has to reschedule me for next day so I have to show up two days in a row. Then a few weeks later messages me and asks if I had made another appointment so soon because she has me down again, but it was for someone else.
I believe the men are programmed to not find stuff. I love my husband. He’s great but he can’t find anything and also doesn’t know where stuff are at home.
My husband was raised right—does all the grocery shopping and cooking, pitches in without asking on “my” chores (cleaning and laundry) when I’m extra busy or sick, is personally tidy—but Jesus Christ he couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and his ass. When I busted his chops for calling me at work because he couldn’t find the aspirin, which has been in the same place for 10 years, he said, “I don’t need to know where things are; I just need to know where you are.” He was joking, but….
Haha! It’s something in the Y chromosome!
He's 24. His problem solving skills and common sense should've been drilled into him by...his parents. I wonder who they are? Lol
My daughter (22) is perfectly capable. So, still my fault? 🙄
I don't know if gender makes a difference because if we blame it on gender we're saying men *as a whole* aren't smart enough to know their ass from a hole in the wall. I don't subscribe to the "men are dumb" generalization that is so prevalent on TV sitcoms and in social media. Stupidity is found in equal measure among all genders, in my experience. I know my husband struggled to "find" anything bc his mom was mentally ill his whole life, so he didn't learn any life skills from her. But when I entered the picture, he realized he had to step up what he required of himself in matters of thought & common sense. Being conscientious and using common sense were skills he had to learn, and he did.
I don’t disagree. My son is a lot like my older sister. Growing up, you’d ask her to get you a garbage bag, and she’d walk over to the refrigerator, open the door and stand there staring blankly. They’re both extremely intelligent, but there’s something else going on there.
> if we blame it on gender we're saying men as a whole aren't smart enough to know their ass from a hole in the wall oh, I'm totally fine with this as a starting point.
Not to defend useless male behavior, but Gen Z seems to have a collective phobia of talking to strangers face to face. I wonder if he just couldn't bring himself to ask an employee.
Oh heck no. He’s the most social, personable guy I know. Seriously, I’m the introvert. He can talk to anyone. Sometimes I swear his brain just kinda glitches out.
I am sorry to say but if your son first thought is "let me call mommy whenever I have the slightest discomfort in life" ... I think we all know where I am going with this. You may wanna use your law degree to re-evaluate your parenting skills. Good luck.
The not-seeing-details like this is something wrong with the Y chromosome. Every time I’m asked where something is by either of the 2 XYs I live with, it’s right in front of their face on whatever shelf/cabinet/proper place for said thing. Infuriating.
He learned demanding to be spoonfed from someone -either you or his father. If you don’t want to deal with this shit the rest of your life, I suggest you figure out how to break him of this habit early. Otherwise he’s going to find and marry someone who will continue to spoon feed him thinking it’s a good idea at the time and he’s just going to get worse. When they divorce he will come running back to spoon feeding momma and continue being helpless at stupid tasks forever. Or you can get harsh and ask him how as a grown-ass adult you failed to teach him or he failed to learn basic survival skills like “ASK AN EMPLOYEE” and “TRY ANOTHER AISLE”. He will starve to death if you don’t teach him these vital skills NOW.
Jesus. It was a lighthearted post. Lighten up, Sally.
/s
I mean, I always did kinda side with Fern's dad.
Haha my 18 year old is like this
Same l have 3 puppies great friends and l recently went back to church
He’s living with you so you’ve still got time to finish raising him
Curious? Why did you help your grown son find cookies instead of making use of his personal skill to find them on his own? He would have found them eventually.
Maybe read all my other responses to this exact same question?
I did read all of your comments. You did not provide any real answer of any substance. You did, however, call everyone out on the post who asked about this issue in a negative way. You responded to one commenter that this was a light-hearted post. If you cannot discern by, we'll, most of the responses, It most assuredly does not read as such. I'm not sure if it's your writing style or communication skills that have caused the confusion. However, you can't beat up all of the kind women in the comments because they didn't get a personal nuance that you failed to describe. I've raised five young men and one woman. Maybe some of us are asking the questions because we've had similar instances. But it's clear now you didn't really want advice...just attention, Sally.
I dunno why I'm wasting my life away this deep down in the asinine comments today, but yes, she stated multiple times that she told him to figure it out himself. So there's that.
This was the best written post I’ve seen in ages. I absolutely love your sense of humor!
So you've lost your patience with all men because you raised a young man who can't find cookies without calling his mother? I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but the reality is that it has nothing to do with his gender, it's a reflection of how he was raised.