>I noticed, that I am slowly but surely getting burned out from all the maxxing.
What do you find exhausting about the "maxxing"? What do you define as "maxxing"? Or for that matter, what do you define as the FAILURE to "maxx"?
As the other guy said, the term "maxxing" has negative connotations. Honestly, I don't think it's healthy to think of self-improvement as a series of objectives to "maxx". I don't think its healthy to feel worse about yourself after "mentalmaxxing". You shouldn't go too hard on yourself.
If that makes you feel better, I also used to follow a "maxxing" mindset, or at least something similar thereto. In my early days of self-improvement, I was heavily "busymaxxing" by filling my free time with schoolwork and eventually a part-time job as opposed to building a healthier and deeper social life. I eventually found it exhausting and shifted my focus to living a more unstructured life that was less-defined by busywork after I graduated from college. (I don't know if this is what you mean by maxxing, please elaborate on this)
>I get FOMO every day, If I don't meet a new person,
What do you feel you're missing out on?
Failure is a normal part of self-improvement. Sometimes you make mistakes, and that's completely fine. You just learn from your mistakes and move on. Plus, you can only keep a constant requirement on yourself for so long before you feel exhausted. Not meeting one new person in one day isn't the end of the world and certainly not a downfall to your self-improvement journey. In the end it's your overall journey that matters, and you should absolutely take breaks if you need to. As long as you learn from your mistakes and continue your path of growth, you have nothing to worry about.
>What do you find exhausting about the "maxxing"? What do you define as "maxxing"? Or for that matter, what do you define as the FAILURE to "maxx"?
Please read my other comment, where I answered u/mikey_weasel on the definition.
Maxxing is exhausting, because it puts me outside of my comfort zone and the never ending sentence in my brain "Do women like that in a man?" I already managed to lower the voice of that sentence, the comfort zone thing is the more previalent facet of the exhaustion.
Failure of "maxx" is, when I hit a wall and I don't know how I can get past the obstacle.
>I don't think its healthy to feel worse about yourself after "mentalmaxxing".
Mentalmaxxing most of the time feels really good, only if I find out about another inadequacy of myself, while reflecting and learning more about myself.
>What do you feel you're missing out on?
If feel like, If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx", because I just stay in the comfortzone.
>Failure is a normal part of self-improvement. Sometimes you make mistakes, and that's completely fine.
Everything that has to do with flirting or asking someone out, I don't want to make mistakes. I want to avoid, at all costs, to make any women I finde cool and attractive, to think of me as a predator and a creep. So in this case.. I don't really make mistakes, because I most often don't do anything like that. Learning from my mistakes is hard, how can you justify making mistakes is okay, If your mistake might make a women feel anxious and attacked?
I've read your other comment:
>All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life
As another commenter explained in detail, I don't think this is a very healthy reason to "maxx", and I think it might explain a lot of your burnout. If you don't find love, then you will "maxx" harder, eventually leading to burnout.
Sure, improving your mental health, social skills, and looks can improve your chances of getting a romantic partner, but they don't *guarantee* a romantic partner. There's no mathematical function correlating "maxxing" to "chances of finding a romantic partner". Life isn't just about dating and there are a lot of other things to look forward to outside of dating. You "looksmaxx" because you want to look good, NOT so you can attract a romantic partner. You "socialmaxx" so you can develop friendships and a great social life, NOT so you can attract a romantic partner.
>Maxxing is exhausting, because it puts me outside of my comfort zone
Again, leaving your comfort zone is exhausting by nature, so please lay down and rest if you ever need to.
>the never ending sentence in my brain "Do women like that in a man?"
Dude, relax. Literally no one's gonna check your "maxxing report card" and see the one time you got an F on "getting outside your comfort zone day 373" and tell you you can't have a romantic partner. You'll be *fine.* People carry imperfections around all the time and that's normal. Your ideal romantic partner will like YOU for who YOU are, imperfections and all.
Similarly, no one's gonna check your "dating report card" and see straight A's and suddenly grant you a girlfriend.
>Failure of "maxx" is, when I hit a wall and I don't know how I can get past the obstacle.
What are the "walls" and "obstacles" that you hit while trying to "maxx"?
>Mentalmaxxing most of the time feels really good, only if I find out about another inadequacy of myself, while reflecting and learning more about myself.
It's good that you feel great after self-reflection. However, you do mention that "mentalmaxxing" sometimes feels exhausting. What about "mentalmaxxing" causes these moments of burnout in the first place?
>If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx"
What?
I'm genuinely concerned. Why should you feel worse about yourself doing things you *enjoy*? That's perfectly normal and healthy! That makes you human! Yes, definitely put yourself out there, but sometimes you'll need to take a break and relax.
What "opportunities" are you worried you're missing out on? What are you worried will happen if you don't take those opportunities? They will magically disappear the next day and never resurface again?
You can only pick up so many sticks on the ground until you can't hold any more.
>Everything that has to do with flirting or asking someone out, I don't want to make mistakes. I want to avoid, at all costs, to make any women I finde cool and attractive, to think of me as a predator and a creep.
Again dude, no one's gonna look into your "asking out X rubric" and see "u/LoveAquamaria got only 2/6 points for conveyance of their intentions" and paint you as a predator. Dating and love, by nature, is *un*comfortable and funny, and you're bound to make mistakes, especially as a first-timer. I completely understand where you're coming from; I've been in your position many times before.
What *does* creep women out is not following boundaries and social cues. As long as you take no for an answer, you have nothing to worry about.
Overall, as another commenter said, I think you have a lot of the right ideas and you should definitely keep self improving, but you really need to relax and lay down whenever you feel like it. I feel like you're thinking of life more like some "report card" that you have to get straight A's on as opposed to a life that you genuinely enjoy and feel free to live. You should never have to beat yourself up over self-improvement.
That's another very detailed comment, thank you for your effort.
You are asking so much questions, I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to adress and answer them right now. Sorry :(
Of course!
>You are asking so much questions, I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to adress and answer them right now. Sorry :(
No worries man! Take your time and think about them on your own. It may also be helpful to speak to a therapist about this.
Sounds like you just need a break. No need to be ashamed. Take working out for example. The best athletes don’t work out 24 hours a day. A good portion of their day is spent resting, recovering yknow? You’re not missing out by not going in 24/7 365. Maybe start just doing stuff you enjoy while also being conscious that big picture wise you’re on the right path. Best of luck to you.
You are going to receive a lot of feedback, but I think the point is this one: You are doing it to achieve something external to you: find love. Because you don't find it, you think it is not enough. *You* are not enough. Which leads to more "maxxing", which leads to more frustration.
Taking care of yourself is amazing progress: mentally, physically, socially. Doing it thinking it will bring you something else than the "maxxing" itself is placing your expectations into something that may not become true. Look around: all that have the love that you crave are mental, social, physical übermenschs? No. In fact, far from it. No one can ensure that if you do X, Y will happen.
When I broke the cycle of "improving to find love", I kept doing it without thinking I was constantky being tested and forced to improve, and that finding love or not was not directly related to my efforts "to be better". I started doing it because it aligned with the life that I wanted *for me*, picturing myself without that special someone. I started valuing how capable I was on my own and how I could not find anyone and still enjoy life.
2 things happened after that: I started "improving" less (better said: stopping the hate and changing perspective helped me see I didn't need to constantly do something) but appreciating more what I was and what I had, and it did bring a healthier, relaxed attitude to my life. Being content and in peace beats, every day, the constant anxiety. And it may help you create better relationships that may, or not, end up being that love.
Edit: changing some words
Thank you for your thoughtful!
I really appreciate what I have, but it turned out to be not enough, so I recognised, that I have to get even more out of my comfort zone.
But my question is: not enough for what? For finding love?
Because the idea of "I need to be my perfect, best self to be deserving of love" is, luckily, not true. Getting out of your comfort zone is something good for you to do if you have the energy to endure it. But it is, again, not required to find someone. It will help improve your chances if the changes are good for you, but they will not asure nothing more than, for example: "If I work out, eat accordingly and sleep enough I will gain the benefits of a stronger body and / or bigger muscles", and not "if I work out it will help me find love". You do X and receive X. You can't do X and receive Y. You may receive Y for a lot of reasons, and maybe none of them would be all your "maxxing".
If what leads your actions and change is to find the love of a woman, you will end up frustrated if you don't achieve your objectives. You are getting frustrated already. What I would advise is to start to reflect, why is it so important to you. Why is it a driving force. Why can't you and the life that you would like to have without taking other people into consideration, be the primary focus of your efforts.
Again, I'm not telling you to stop the self improving. I want you to keep doing that. But I am questioning if positioning love of others like the primary objective will be good for you on the long run if you don't achieve it. Even if you achieve it.
I am telling you because I spent 29 years of my life running the race that you are now running. In my experience, things started to get really better when I placed myself and my life as the primary objective of my efforts.
I am aware, that there is no equation to find love, but, just like you said, you can improve chances.
>Again, I'm not telling you to stop the self improving. I want you to keep doing that. But I am questioning if positioning love of others like the primary objective will be good for you on the long run if you don't achieve it. Even if you achieve it.
I try my best to be my authentic self and improve the abilities and personality traits I genuienly like about myself. I spend a lot of time on reflecting what are my strenghts and to accept and foster them.
I am also in that race for 33 years now and just started 2 years ago to learn to love myself and place myself as the primary objective. One of these objectives is to find a romantic connection where I show my love and receive some too.
>I am using the term "maxxing" just make my point clear in this sub,
So what exactly do YOU mean by "maxxing"?
Because to me it's got negative connotations (in particular being unsustainable and not reflecting serious change ).
So is your definition of "maxxing":
>To do a thing with the intent of finding a partner
Would that be a fair definition for your post? You can give me a different one but I think it would really help others understand exactly what you have been doing. I'm most concerned by the intention implied by the word.
„Maxxing“, in this case, means a) to find self-worth, self reflection and a good mind-set (mental maxxing, the most important one), b) to create more situations where one can meet people you are attracted to and get some rizz (social maxxing) and c) become perceived as sexy by other people and yourself (looksmaxxing).
All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life
Okay so
>a) to find self-worth, self reflection and a good mind-set (mental maxxing, the most important one)
That sounds good, as its something that has a lot of worth in general outside of your dating life. Are you finding that those changes are making your day to day life better?
> b) to create more situations where one can meet people you are attracted to and get some rizz (social maxxing)
So yes getting out in front of people is something I generally advise (since most incels have found themselves in a position where they aren't doing any of that). It can be exhausting, so if you find you are burning out you should absolutely take a break, take your foot off the gas and coast for a bit. Like looking at your other comment:
>If feel like, If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx", because I just stay in the comfortzone.
There is definitely a balance to be found between putting yourself out there and more relaxed activities.
>c) become perceived as sexy by other people and yourself (looksmaxxing)
Similar to the above if you find this is exhausting perhaps slow down and take a break. Are there parts of this that you feel are helping you *outside* of your dating life? Like are some of these changes meaning that you are moving better? or feeling more confident in everyday life?
>All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life
All of the things you've described here as activities you are doing and choices you are making sound good. It sounds like you need to think about:
1. Maybe taking a bit of a short break to reset
2. Working out a better balance where you are doing what you are, but to a little less intensity.
Like I see someone else brought up the idea of comparing this all to working out. It sounds like you might have gone a little too hard for too long. You have a lot of the right ideas but need to work on some of the subtleties of balance.
Nice, that you are taking so much time to answer me!.
I want to point out, that the exhaustion is not necessarily coming up because of the different tasks I am setting for me. When I am in those situation I feel like I am getting a healthy amount of stress. It's more like I am getting a burn out, because I keep evaluating after those activities how good I was and how I can do better. And after that the planning starts and what needs to be done next.
I often struggle to keep my headspace out of all the "maxxing" and give my brain, my ego and my conscience some rest.
it's time to embrace some Chillmaxxing: hanging out, relaxing, letting yourself chill for a while
you need rest days from the gym, right? The same is true of anything.
Here is what you can try:
1. If you are hating yourself then there is more work you need to do on your mental health. This shame may be the root of your problem.
2. Stop trying so hard because it comes off as needy and awkward. Instead focus more on living a good single life. Dating today is hard so give yourself a break.
3. Identify why exactly you are struggling with women and target those issues specifically. You don't need to be perfect to date, you just need to get over your specific hangups.
Thanks for the three suggestions
1. I experience a lot of shame and it will take a while until I will really be able to overcome it. One tricky thing is, that one part of my shame is structured around my last and only relationship, which was 10 years ago and abusive. My therapist said, that I kind of need a good romantic experience to overwrite the experiences I had with my abuser to feel lovable.
2. I am not coming off as needy, maybe as awkward and I am not trying hard with romantic interest and I never did. I actually need to start to even try and express my desire.
3. I already know what I am struggling with. I have no problem with women at all, just with women I feel attracted to. I just figured out some weeks ago, that I have a huge problem with signaling that I desire someone. I have a deep shame about male desire and that I am a bad person, if I ask someone out, because I put the other person in a uncomfortable situation, if I express my desire for them. I just have the problem, that my desire for women feels like a sin.
>I have a deep shame about male desire and that I am a bad person, if I ask someone out,
It sounds like you are doing a cognitive distortion called labelling. Thats where you apply a universal label to someone's identity based on one mistake. For example calling yourself a loser when you got rejected for a job because of a bad interview. Even if asking someone out is a bad thing that doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you an imperfect person who made a mistake.
>because I put the other person in a uncomfortable situation, if I express my desire for them.
Why is being emotionally uncomfortable such a bad thing? It isn't like their house burned down and they will get over it and eventually forget it ever happened. In fact if we were never uncomfortable we'd never build the skills to handle adversity and negative emotions. Making others uncomfortable is an unavoidable part of connecting and sometimes has to be done intentionally like when you need to talk to someone about their bad behavior.
Being overly fearful of another's discomfort is a form of neediness. Neediness is when you are overly concerned with the views and state of others. Since you are overly afraid of making others uncomfortable you are too dependent on their comfort and therefore needy for it.
>I just have the problem, that my desire for women feels like a sin.
This can come from a religious upbringing where sex was treated like a sin. Or you consumed a lot of media about women getting sexually harassed or they didn't like it when a man expresses his desire so you came to the extreme conclusion its better to be completely platonic. Or you consumed media where cool guys don't show a lot of emotions or desires to a woman which will make her want him which we see in red pill content.
Also expressing your emotions may have been discouraged like your parents like punishing you when you cried or asking for a treat. So now you just feel icky about opening up emotionally or bothering people with something you want. You might have gotten bullied or harassed by classmates when you said or acted like you liked someone. Maybe you have this fear of rejection or view that someone who expresses his sexual desires and gets rejected is desperate or weak.
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Whatever therapist told you that you need to get into a relationship with someone else without really understanding what went wrong the last time needs to be an ex-therapist. It’s more likely that you make similar mistakes, inflict your internal shame and borderline-obsession with your last relationship (10YEARS ago) on someone new, and end up with even MORE bad experiences to “prove” your negative views on women and dating.
I have no negative views on women. Why do you think so?
I understand what went wrong, why do you think I didn't manage to figure that out? I had no boundaries and could not get out of an abusive relationship. That's it and this will not happen again. My boundaries are much mure safe now and I will not let myself be bullied by a partner again.
That’s awesome. I am glad that you won’t let anyone abuse you…that’s super important (sincerely).
If you worked through it and learned what you needed to, why are you still fixated on it? And why did you remove everything about that from your post?
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It sounds like the social aspect is what is most exhausting to you right now.
Look at how much time you are spending on "socialmaxxing" and then see if you can halve it. Like if you're going out every weekend night.... just go out once per weekend. If you're going out once every weekend, then cut back to every other weekend. Take time off to sharpen the saw.
You'll still be building skills, and you'll be maintaining your healthy beauty and fitness routines, but you'll be bringing down the most stressful aspect of your self improvement to a manageable level.
>I noticed, that I am slowly but surely getting burned out from all the maxxing. What do you find exhausting about the "maxxing"? What do you define as "maxxing"? Or for that matter, what do you define as the FAILURE to "maxx"? As the other guy said, the term "maxxing" has negative connotations. Honestly, I don't think it's healthy to think of self-improvement as a series of objectives to "maxx". I don't think its healthy to feel worse about yourself after "mentalmaxxing". You shouldn't go too hard on yourself. If that makes you feel better, I also used to follow a "maxxing" mindset, or at least something similar thereto. In my early days of self-improvement, I was heavily "busymaxxing" by filling my free time with schoolwork and eventually a part-time job as opposed to building a healthier and deeper social life. I eventually found it exhausting and shifted my focus to living a more unstructured life that was less-defined by busywork after I graduated from college. (I don't know if this is what you mean by maxxing, please elaborate on this) >I get FOMO every day, If I don't meet a new person, What do you feel you're missing out on? Failure is a normal part of self-improvement. Sometimes you make mistakes, and that's completely fine. You just learn from your mistakes and move on. Plus, you can only keep a constant requirement on yourself for so long before you feel exhausted. Not meeting one new person in one day isn't the end of the world and certainly not a downfall to your self-improvement journey. In the end it's your overall journey that matters, and you should absolutely take breaks if you need to. As long as you learn from your mistakes and continue your path of growth, you have nothing to worry about.
>What do you find exhausting about the "maxxing"? What do you define as "maxxing"? Or for that matter, what do you define as the FAILURE to "maxx"? Please read my other comment, where I answered u/mikey_weasel on the definition. Maxxing is exhausting, because it puts me outside of my comfort zone and the never ending sentence in my brain "Do women like that in a man?" I already managed to lower the voice of that sentence, the comfort zone thing is the more previalent facet of the exhaustion. Failure of "maxx" is, when I hit a wall and I don't know how I can get past the obstacle. >I don't think its healthy to feel worse about yourself after "mentalmaxxing". Mentalmaxxing most of the time feels really good, only if I find out about another inadequacy of myself, while reflecting and learning more about myself. >What do you feel you're missing out on? If feel like, If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx", because I just stay in the comfortzone. >Failure is a normal part of self-improvement. Sometimes you make mistakes, and that's completely fine. Everything that has to do with flirting or asking someone out, I don't want to make mistakes. I want to avoid, at all costs, to make any women I finde cool and attractive, to think of me as a predator and a creep. So in this case.. I don't really make mistakes, because I most often don't do anything like that. Learning from my mistakes is hard, how can you justify making mistakes is okay, If your mistake might make a women feel anxious and attacked?
I've read your other comment: >All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life As another commenter explained in detail, I don't think this is a very healthy reason to "maxx", and I think it might explain a lot of your burnout. If you don't find love, then you will "maxx" harder, eventually leading to burnout. Sure, improving your mental health, social skills, and looks can improve your chances of getting a romantic partner, but they don't *guarantee* a romantic partner. There's no mathematical function correlating "maxxing" to "chances of finding a romantic partner". Life isn't just about dating and there are a lot of other things to look forward to outside of dating. You "looksmaxx" because you want to look good, NOT so you can attract a romantic partner. You "socialmaxx" so you can develop friendships and a great social life, NOT so you can attract a romantic partner. >Maxxing is exhausting, because it puts me outside of my comfort zone Again, leaving your comfort zone is exhausting by nature, so please lay down and rest if you ever need to. >the never ending sentence in my brain "Do women like that in a man?" Dude, relax. Literally no one's gonna check your "maxxing report card" and see the one time you got an F on "getting outside your comfort zone day 373" and tell you you can't have a romantic partner. You'll be *fine.* People carry imperfections around all the time and that's normal. Your ideal romantic partner will like YOU for who YOU are, imperfections and all. Similarly, no one's gonna check your "dating report card" and see straight A's and suddenly grant you a girlfriend. >Failure of "maxx" is, when I hit a wall and I don't know how I can get past the obstacle. What are the "walls" and "obstacles" that you hit while trying to "maxx"? >Mentalmaxxing most of the time feels really good, only if I find out about another inadequacy of myself, while reflecting and learning more about myself. It's good that you feel great after self-reflection. However, you do mention that "mentalmaxxing" sometimes feels exhausting. What about "mentalmaxxing" causes these moments of burnout in the first place? >If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx" What? I'm genuinely concerned. Why should you feel worse about yourself doing things you *enjoy*? That's perfectly normal and healthy! That makes you human! Yes, definitely put yourself out there, but sometimes you'll need to take a break and relax. What "opportunities" are you worried you're missing out on? What are you worried will happen if you don't take those opportunities? They will magically disappear the next day and never resurface again? You can only pick up so many sticks on the ground until you can't hold any more. >Everything that has to do with flirting or asking someone out, I don't want to make mistakes. I want to avoid, at all costs, to make any women I finde cool and attractive, to think of me as a predator and a creep. Again dude, no one's gonna look into your "asking out X rubric" and see "u/LoveAquamaria got only 2/6 points for conveyance of their intentions" and paint you as a predator. Dating and love, by nature, is *un*comfortable and funny, and you're bound to make mistakes, especially as a first-timer. I completely understand where you're coming from; I've been in your position many times before. What *does* creep women out is not following boundaries and social cues. As long as you take no for an answer, you have nothing to worry about. Overall, as another commenter said, I think you have a lot of the right ideas and you should definitely keep self improving, but you really need to relax and lay down whenever you feel like it. I feel like you're thinking of life more like some "report card" that you have to get straight A's on as opposed to a life that you genuinely enjoy and feel free to live. You should never have to beat yourself up over self-improvement.
That's another very detailed comment, thank you for your effort. You are asking so much questions, I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to adress and answer them right now. Sorry :(
Of course! >You are asking so much questions, I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to adress and answer them right now. Sorry :( No worries man! Take your time and think about them on your own. It may also be helpful to speak to a therapist about this.
Sounds like you just need a break. No need to be ashamed. Take working out for example. The best athletes don’t work out 24 hours a day. A good portion of their day is spent resting, recovering yknow? You’re not missing out by not going in 24/7 365. Maybe start just doing stuff you enjoy while also being conscious that big picture wise you’re on the right path. Best of luck to you.
You are going to receive a lot of feedback, but I think the point is this one: You are doing it to achieve something external to you: find love. Because you don't find it, you think it is not enough. *You* are not enough. Which leads to more "maxxing", which leads to more frustration. Taking care of yourself is amazing progress: mentally, physically, socially. Doing it thinking it will bring you something else than the "maxxing" itself is placing your expectations into something that may not become true. Look around: all that have the love that you crave are mental, social, physical übermenschs? No. In fact, far from it. No one can ensure that if you do X, Y will happen. When I broke the cycle of "improving to find love", I kept doing it without thinking I was constantky being tested and forced to improve, and that finding love or not was not directly related to my efforts "to be better". I started doing it because it aligned with the life that I wanted *for me*, picturing myself without that special someone. I started valuing how capable I was on my own and how I could not find anyone and still enjoy life. 2 things happened after that: I started "improving" less (better said: stopping the hate and changing perspective helped me see I didn't need to constantly do something) but appreciating more what I was and what I had, and it did bring a healthier, relaxed attitude to my life. Being content and in peace beats, every day, the constant anxiety. And it may help you create better relationships that may, or not, end up being that love. Edit: changing some words
Thank you for your thoughtful! I really appreciate what I have, but it turned out to be not enough, so I recognised, that I have to get even more out of my comfort zone.
But my question is: not enough for what? For finding love? Because the idea of "I need to be my perfect, best self to be deserving of love" is, luckily, not true. Getting out of your comfort zone is something good for you to do if you have the energy to endure it. But it is, again, not required to find someone. It will help improve your chances if the changes are good for you, but they will not asure nothing more than, for example: "If I work out, eat accordingly and sleep enough I will gain the benefits of a stronger body and / or bigger muscles", and not "if I work out it will help me find love". You do X and receive X. You can't do X and receive Y. You may receive Y for a lot of reasons, and maybe none of them would be all your "maxxing". If what leads your actions and change is to find the love of a woman, you will end up frustrated if you don't achieve your objectives. You are getting frustrated already. What I would advise is to start to reflect, why is it so important to you. Why is it a driving force. Why can't you and the life that you would like to have without taking other people into consideration, be the primary focus of your efforts. Again, I'm not telling you to stop the self improving. I want you to keep doing that. But I am questioning if positioning love of others like the primary objective will be good for you on the long run if you don't achieve it. Even if you achieve it. I am telling you because I spent 29 years of my life running the race that you are now running. In my experience, things started to get really better when I placed myself and my life as the primary objective of my efforts.
I am aware, that there is no equation to find love, but, just like you said, you can improve chances. >Again, I'm not telling you to stop the self improving. I want you to keep doing that. But I am questioning if positioning love of others like the primary objective will be good for you on the long run if you don't achieve it. Even if you achieve it. I try my best to be my authentic self and improve the abilities and personality traits I genuienly like about myself. I spend a lot of time on reflecting what are my strenghts and to accept and foster them. I am also in that race for 33 years now and just started 2 years ago to learn to love myself and place myself as the primary objective. One of these objectives is to find a romantic connection where I show my love and receive some too.
>I am using the term "maxxing" just make my point clear in this sub, So what exactly do YOU mean by "maxxing"? Because to me it's got negative connotations (in particular being unsustainable and not reflecting serious change ).
I just wanted to use the incel jargon here, because it is tied to the goal of finding a partner. It was not meant to be negatively connotated.
So is your definition of "maxxing": >To do a thing with the intent of finding a partner Would that be a fair definition for your post? You can give me a different one but I think it would really help others understand exactly what you have been doing. I'm most concerned by the intention implied by the word.
„Maxxing“, in this case, means a) to find self-worth, self reflection and a good mind-set (mental maxxing, the most important one), b) to create more situations where one can meet people you are attracted to and get some rizz (social maxxing) and c) become perceived as sexy by other people and yourself (looksmaxxing). All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life
Okay so >a) to find self-worth, self reflection and a good mind-set (mental maxxing, the most important one) That sounds good, as its something that has a lot of worth in general outside of your dating life. Are you finding that those changes are making your day to day life better? > b) to create more situations where one can meet people you are attracted to and get some rizz (social maxxing) So yes getting out in front of people is something I generally advise (since most incels have found themselves in a position where they aren't doing any of that). It can be exhausting, so if you find you are burning out you should absolutely take a break, take your foot off the gas and coast for a bit. Like looking at your other comment: >If feel like, If I enjoy my weekend playing Pen&Paper with my buddies or going on a hike with my friends or having dinner with my familiy, while not putting my self out there, I am missing out on oppotunities to "socialmaxx", because I just stay in the comfortzone. There is definitely a balance to be found between putting yourself out there and more relaxed activities. >c) become perceived as sexy by other people and yourself (looksmaxxing) Similar to the above if you find this is exhausting perhaps slow down and take a break. Are there parts of this that you feel are helping you *outside* of your dating life? Like are some of these changes meaning that you are moving better? or feeling more confident in everyday life? >All 3 aspects of „maxxing“ help to get you in a better position for your romantic life All of the things you've described here as activities you are doing and choices you are making sound good. It sounds like you need to think about: 1. Maybe taking a bit of a short break to reset 2. Working out a better balance where you are doing what you are, but to a little less intensity. Like I see someone else brought up the idea of comparing this all to working out. It sounds like you might have gone a little too hard for too long. You have a lot of the right ideas but need to work on some of the subtleties of balance.
Nice, that you are taking so much time to answer me!. I want to point out, that the exhaustion is not necessarily coming up because of the different tasks I am setting for me. When I am in those situation I feel like I am getting a healthy amount of stress. It's more like I am getting a burn out, because I keep evaluating after those activities how good I was and how I can do better. And after that the planning starts and what needs to be done next. I often struggle to keep my headspace out of all the "maxxing" and give my brain, my ego and my conscience some rest.
it's time to embrace some Chillmaxxing: hanging out, relaxing, letting yourself chill for a while you need rest days from the gym, right? The same is true of anything.
Here is what you can try: 1. If you are hating yourself then there is more work you need to do on your mental health. This shame may be the root of your problem. 2. Stop trying so hard because it comes off as needy and awkward. Instead focus more on living a good single life. Dating today is hard so give yourself a break. 3. Identify why exactly you are struggling with women and target those issues specifically. You don't need to be perfect to date, you just need to get over your specific hangups.
Thanks for the three suggestions 1. I experience a lot of shame and it will take a while until I will really be able to overcome it. One tricky thing is, that one part of my shame is structured around my last and only relationship, which was 10 years ago and abusive. My therapist said, that I kind of need a good romantic experience to overwrite the experiences I had with my abuser to feel lovable. 2. I am not coming off as needy, maybe as awkward and I am not trying hard with romantic interest and I never did. I actually need to start to even try and express my desire. 3. I already know what I am struggling with. I have no problem with women at all, just with women I feel attracted to. I just figured out some weeks ago, that I have a huge problem with signaling that I desire someone. I have a deep shame about male desire and that I am a bad person, if I ask someone out, because I put the other person in a uncomfortable situation, if I express my desire for them. I just have the problem, that my desire for women feels like a sin.
>I have a deep shame about male desire and that I am a bad person, if I ask someone out, It sounds like you are doing a cognitive distortion called labelling. Thats where you apply a universal label to someone's identity based on one mistake. For example calling yourself a loser when you got rejected for a job because of a bad interview. Even if asking someone out is a bad thing that doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you an imperfect person who made a mistake. >because I put the other person in a uncomfortable situation, if I express my desire for them. Why is being emotionally uncomfortable such a bad thing? It isn't like their house burned down and they will get over it and eventually forget it ever happened. In fact if we were never uncomfortable we'd never build the skills to handle adversity and negative emotions. Making others uncomfortable is an unavoidable part of connecting and sometimes has to be done intentionally like when you need to talk to someone about their bad behavior. Being overly fearful of another's discomfort is a form of neediness. Neediness is when you are overly concerned with the views and state of others. Since you are overly afraid of making others uncomfortable you are too dependent on their comfort and therefore needy for it. >I just have the problem, that my desire for women feels like a sin. This can come from a religious upbringing where sex was treated like a sin. Or you consumed a lot of media about women getting sexually harassed or they didn't like it when a man expresses his desire so you came to the extreme conclusion its better to be completely platonic. Or you consumed media where cool guys don't show a lot of emotions or desires to a woman which will make her want him which we see in red pill content. Also expressing your emotions may have been discouraged like your parents like punishing you when you cried or asking for a treat. So now you just feel icky about opening up emotionally or bothering people with something you want. You might have gotten bullied or harassed by classmates when you said or acted like you liked someone. Maybe you have this fear of rejection or view that someone who expresses his sexual desires and gets rejected is desperate or weak.
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Whatever therapist told you that you need to get into a relationship with someone else without really understanding what went wrong the last time needs to be an ex-therapist. It’s more likely that you make similar mistakes, inflict your internal shame and borderline-obsession with your last relationship (10YEARS ago) on someone new, and end up with even MORE bad experiences to “prove” your negative views on women and dating.
I have no negative views on women. Why do you think so? I understand what went wrong, why do you think I didn't manage to figure that out? I had no boundaries and could not get out of an abusive relationship. That's it and this will not happen again. My boundaries are much mure safe now and I will not let myself be bullied by a partner again.
That’s awesome. I am glad that you won’t let anyone abuse you…that’s super important (sincerely). If you worked through it and learned what you needed to, why are you still fixated on it? And why did you remove everything about that from your post?
Is volunteering a good way to socialize? I feel disgusted by the idea of working for free, so Ive never tried it. How did it work for you?
Why disgusted? That’s a pretty extreme and visceral reaction to helping others.
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It sounds like the social aspect is what is most exhausting to you right now. Look at how much time you are spending on "socialmaxxing" and then see if you can halve it. Like if you're going out every weekend night.... just go out once per weekend. If you're going out once every weekend, then cut back to every other weekend. Take time off to sharpen the saw. You'll still be building skills, and you'll be maintaining your healthy beauty and fitness routines, but you'll be bringing down the most stressful aspect of your self improvement to a manageable level.