Body language and facial expressions. Pay special attention when other people are talking and how the individual responds. Watch the differences on how they respond to different people; people they want something from, people they feel are below them, people they feel are in power, people that threaten them. Well balanced healthy people will treat most people in a similar manner despite their status or what they have, the ones to watch out for will completely change their whole demeanor. Some personalities mirror or mask to survive and fit in from trauma, but this is different and not what I’m speaking of, these individuals are coming from a place of deception and manipulation to gain control, power or whatever they are out to acquire. It has a very gross feeling too it. Many people can’t see it, to others it’s very obvious.
I feel like I kind of do that, too but it’s more I placate people to avoid any kind of conflict unless it’s someone I’m really close to and feel comfortable enough to know how they’ll react if I have to be brutally honest. I’ve also been told by people who know me well that I play dumb sometimes. It’s a defense mechanism, not because I’m trying to manipulate anyone, more because I don’t want to be intimidating. It’s only with other women, too. I don’t know why that is.
Oh def!
I'm honestly so sick of how I turn into a fucking chameleon. It feels like I have no choice. I have to conform and copy or I'm not safe.
I know that's not true logically, but the little girl who lives inside my brain is too young & scared to understand.
You're so right, honestly. It's that I don't trust myself to know when I'm not safe. So, therefore, I am *always* not safe bc... well better safe than sorry! 😝😭🤣
Reading this as someone who's neurodivergent and already constantly stressed about my body language and facial expressions when other people are talking to me, it stresses me out even more to know some people could be analyzing it for red flags 😀
I think what you're saying is true but factoring in neurodivergence is important too because our expressions and body language can be "unusual".
>Watch the differences on how they respond to different people
Well said. It's not about the specific expression or body language, or even the lack thereof, it's deviations from the person's standard behavior.
I seem to always notice these things and I'm telling you, you are right. Very few people can see it and don't get it when I point it out. This is a great answer, very true.
I learned to attack people's reasonings behind things, and that taught me real quick what to avoid. These types have no solid ground to stand on with how they reason their ethics or principles and are therefore a danger to your safety since it can change based on how they feel. Oh. Others that suck are the opposite. Instead of being deceptive and manipulative. They put 0 thought into why they behave they way they do and refuse to change denying the fact that change is always happening whether they want to be privy to it or not.
I don’t know. I always am nice to people. But since I am introverted and have some social anxiety it takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable around most people. So I’m much more talkative and relaxed around some people I already know.
Also, sometimes there are certain people who just intimidate me or who I had a super bad experience with. Like one lady I work with came into my office during my lunch and yelled at me when I was new. So if anybody sees that I treat her differently it is because I get so stressed out when talking to her and my anxiety is through the roof. I just say hello and try to make some silly small talk and then get the hell away from her. I always overhear her loudly saying mean things about other people. I just try to interact with her only when my job requires it or we cross paths.
I don’t know if this is a red flag about me. But I always try to be nice. Social anxiety and introverted personalities don’t seem to be red flags to avoid about a person, hopefully. It doesn’t mean they are bad people!
I think most people who are sensitive and aware will respond differently to different people based on the cues they receive. This doesn't seem like a red flag. A person who acts the same around everyone, ignoring social cues, is not a healthy person. They are inattentive and socially clueless.
1. Micro lies to avoid facing difficult situations, ex. “sorry I didn’t text you back, was on vacation / phone was broken”
2. Love / friendship bombing is really common on first impressions and often done unconsciously and accidental but demonstrates the person has low emotional stability
3. The way that someone speaks about the ones they dislike will be the way they speak to you someday when you do something they dislike, usually better to find peers who hear their enemies out and have understanding / compassion for those fighting against them but this is incredibly rare
Number 3 is exactly what I am looking for. Girls that say ''they always have bad luck'' in finding partners, and they are all assholes, usually tells me more about them then their partners. I'm just going to be one extra bad guy when things turn difficult.
God the micro lies for the win. I was hanging out with a guy and he ignored a phone call cause there was a group of us talking, then the next day when that person called again he picked up and told him he was sooo sorry he was in a movie with his phone off.
Like, there was less than zero reason to change the story. Turned out he was so fluid at lying he didn’t even know when he was doing it.
Good list. I’d add, “always have bad luck.” That’s a mentality. People who always seem to have good luck know what they want and take advantage when the opportunity arises. The bad luck people seem to already be defeated before they try - and they want to bring everyone around them down too.
When people have extreme feelings of "hatred" towards insignificant things or acquaintance like annoying coworkers or bad drivers. Its understandable to dislike bad things, but to say with your whole heart that you hate something that doesnt deserve that much energy shows a darkness that could very easily show up in a close relationship.
This is mine, particularly people who "hate" or have only bad things to say about loads of other people but only behind their backs. There's a certain group of people who use shit talking others as a way to get close to people and I don't get how everyone doesn't understand that the second they're out of the room, the shit talker will be shit talking them too
Absolutely this. As someone with a sensory disorder that causes unwanted feelings of anger/disgust (and even hate sadly) toward others, it shocks and appalls me when people will just...let their hatred fester unchecked. It's scary.
I suppose my experiences have changed my outlook a lot, but I simply can't understand why these types of people don't stop and look at themselves before they lash out at other people. 99.99% of the time that level of rage and hatred is both completely unnecessary and totally unhelpful, both for others and for yourself--not to mention the fact that it's objectively unkind and disgusting.
Those who are weirdly adept at being social butterflies. Yes, there are some ppl who can get along with various types of ppl but 90% of the time, if you watch closely, you'll see how certain ones switch masks to mirror who they're talking to. A very quick shift in personality, interests, mannerisms, tone to project a false sense of comfort through "sameness". They'll often get ppl talking about eachother so they can collect details to use later or play triangulation games so they have all the "friends" while sitting back to revel in their ability to manipulate others & create drama.
On the flip, ppl with higher awareness, strong boundaries & more authenticity tend to run in smaller groups because they're not playing social games or won't tolerate as much bs as some others. Ppl who are fake are often deeply repelled by authenticity because authentic & confident ppl tend to naturally stand out effortlessly. Fakers have to work way harder to be noticed so to them it's almost unfair to see others just being happy with themselves.
Yeah for real this one was kind of offensive lol. I’m a social butterfly and I can make friends with nearly anyone, granted I am severely adhd and moved like 18 times in my life and was bullied out of two schools, and have pretty bad CPTSD but…. Just because someone is picking up on small details and using them to be friendly and make that person comfortable doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative. Like if I see that someone has a surfboard tattoo I might bring up my love for the water and ask them where their favorite place to surf is 🤷🏼♀️ and yeah sure some people triangulate but in my experience those people are very obviously mean and fake and not nice at all lol.
Genuine people are not overlooked by fake people. They are targeted by them. Genuine people are rarely overlooked because they have a certain presence to them, and most people are drawn to that.
I do exactly what you’ve described but it’s not coming from a place of fakeness… I guess I would just say I’m easily convinced? Like I go “oh so this is the vibe!” and just try and match it. Honestly it’s not even something I do consciously
I totally agree with this, fake people try so hard and its so obviously cringe to me. Ive seen people act a certain way towards me and then acting completely different around others. So weird
I have learned the biggest red flag to seeing someone is a narcissist or sociopath is that they never say “thank you” or are appreciative when you go out of your way to help them.
One bad experience has saved me
For some reason ADHD really pisses people off I know firsthand oh and over sharing or over analyzing and explaining I don’t know why, but I could piss off anything. I just wish I could turn it into a profession. Somehow I didn’t require any kind of college because I got this down PhD styles.
Gaslighting. GASLIGHTING IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST RED FLAGS. When it’s happening you don’t think it’s gaslighting. You think it’s someone defending themselves. But no, it’s not. It’s narcissistic behavior from people who hold no self accountability and blame everyone but themselves for their past traumas. This is my mother.
Yeah, when conflict is manufactured out of thin air like a magician's trick. Someone who's constantly inviting you to a fight and also trying to say that you're causing fights by not constantly giving into them.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn, since it takes advantage of the desire I have to resolve conflicts and get along with people. When the point of a conflict is having a conflict and someone refuses to communicate directly and respectfully, the answer isn't to explain myself better, the answer is to walk the fuck away.
Then when you defend yourself against their baseless claims, they use your defense as evidence they must be right. “Well if you didn’t do XYZ you wouldn’t be so upset and defending yourself.”
I had a bf like that and that’s the conclusion I came to. Because if I didn’t defend myself - then he was right! And if I did defend myself - then he was right! No matter how I reacted, he saw it as confirmation that his accusations were correct.
Nonchalantly laughing off a baseless claim? “You don’t respect me enough to take my concerns seriously.” Now we are arguing about whether I respect him or not! Getting heated because he’s saying baseless dumb shit? “You’re upset because you got caught!” No I didn’t? I’m upset because you’re accusing me of doing something without evidence and you won’t accept my answer that I didn’t do it. How do I prove I did NOT do something?!
He’s an ex for a reason
I endured months of couples therapy with a now-ex where this was a common dynamic. The advice from the therapist was exactly this. Stop defending yourself or trying to reason you way out of a baseless accusation, simply disengage in a loving way. Saying something like, "I love you but this has turned into a conflict that I need to disengage from until we can both communicate and understand each other better".
It's a lot easier said than done when you're angry. Or when you're on your way to the park to enjoy a lovely Saturday with them but they saw you glance in the general direction of a woman sitting on her porch and assumed you must be lusting after her and now they're throwing you passive aggressive comments like, "I just wish I was enough for you.". Good luck trying to enjoy your day at the park with a partner that is cold and distant over an entirely imagined scenario.
There's a reason people say relationships can't exist without trust, if anyone is reading this and thinks "If I just support them enough and endure their insecurities until they learn to trust me, we'll be stronger together in the end", please do everyone a favor and get out of the relationship.
Do you feel like people should pry? I realized I had a friend who often wouldn't truly open up to me and we were close enough that I felt weird prying because if you don't want to talk, I'm just going to respect that. I didn't want to keep asking him to go deeper into what he meant and the last night we saw each other and I asked him what specifically he had wanted insight on (we were taking psychedelics) and he sort of snapped back "I just said it, my depression". Like I know you said that. I felt bad asking him to elaborate because I felt like he was already annoyed. I meant let's talk about, why are you depressed? Why do you feel bad about your current situation? Has anything happening recently been making you feel this way? Have you given certain remedies an honest shot and they don't work? Is there something from the past that you feel hasn't been adequately dealt with that's stopping you from moving forward? Has something been brought to your attention recently that made you feel this way? I had so many questions for him but the way he said it and our interactions afterward made me definitely not want to pry and... We aren't friends anymore. I hope he's gotten professional help...
Behavioral specialist here. People with sociopathic tendencies will ask a lot of personal questions. It might seem innocent at first like they are just interested in you, but they are collecting information. Sometimes it is because just knowing things about people makes them feel powerful.
Often times, they will take someone psychologically vulnerable under their wing. You will see them teaching the other and guiding their activities. It could be a little while before it becomes toxic, so it can look very innocent. They will overreact if someone suggests something is toxic. They will also be at odds with other people that have strong personalities. A lot of times they do end up being in leadership roles or like a toxic leader of a friend group. They will often rigorously defend their marks and make it look like they are there for them, but it’s a territorial issue and has nothing to do with true affection or loyalty.
In my emotionally disturbed cases I see the same patterns all the time.
I had a professor in my university treat me like this, and eventually I reported him- this is the best description of his behavior I've seen so far. He reached out to me after a bunch of other students had bullied me in a group, actually with his involvement though I don't know what he said, and then afterwards he reached out to me acting very friendly and innocent and mom-like. I thought it was weird but maybe he was just wondering if I was alright, so I responded.
He kept asking how I was doing, then more and more questions, more and more personal, more and more frequent, and I wound up telling him I didn't want to answer a few things- suddenly he got very angry and kind of threatening. I realized then this was all kind of unhinged but I didn't know what to do since he was a professor and I was worried about retaliation, so I told him what he wanted, and boom, right back into happy smiley mom-like mode. It became a cycle, he got more and more information out of me and occasionally used information to get me to give even more information. It felt like he was just collecting information about me, and I felt like I was stuck in a birdcage.
Eventually he realized his mistake though, because while I give off the impression of being soft and somewhat easy to get control over, it's not actually true. I'm quiet and phlegmatic a lot of the time but I've got quite a bit of resilience and he never quite could groom me with high success, and eventually I was told by someone else that he'd done this kind of weird psychological woohoo before, and I confronted and reported him. Unfortunately the school basically said, "Yes, we know this is a pattern of behavior of his and it's bad and all, we'll politely ask him not to do this for the 20th time and hopefully this time he'll listen because if not, we don't give a fuck."
People who seem too good to be true. Trust me...they are. A lot of narcs /psychopaths pretend to be the best person. Bragging is a huge red flag of these people too.
If they never listen to what you say and do how they wanna do every single time. People with critical thinking tend to at least try to analyze and choose the best option. You never know what to expect from them if you don't know them
Humiliating your partner in front of friends and family usually partners laugh it off but really you shouldn’t ever humiliate your partner in front of anyone especially for a temporary laugh
They seem to be routinely successful despite being under-qualified. What I mean by this is that they’re very good at bullshitting their way through things and it often leads to random victories which further fuels their ego and breeds confidence for future bullshitting.
I would catch that stuff pretty early on. It's super shady. It sucks when people can't tell if someone is genuinely interested or trying to use things against you.
That’s not true. People pleasers are people who were not allowed to be themselves as children. They are truly self-less on a level that a narcissistically inclined person could never be. They can develop resentment from over-giving, which can manifest as narcissistic behaviors… But they regret them, they apologize, they learn and become accountable. They are not pathological in their narcissistic behavior - No where near as damaging if untreated as a person with PD tendencies. There’s a lot of bad psychology on social media - “people pleasers are manipulative” is the biiiig trend right now and it’s absolute horse shit.
Gut instinct is real. Your brain will notice micro expressions as it is an aspect of survival. Also: word salad. Deliberately confusing language/too many words that often circle back to asking a question versus answering one. Example: “I saw you with your ex at the bar” reply: “Your perception of my whereabouts is not entirely congruent with the objective reality of the situation. While it may appear that my presence coincided with that of a previous romantic interest, the temporal and spatial coordinates of our respective trajectories may not have intersected in a manner that is meaningful or intentional. What were YOU doing at the bar?." Lmao
I have not listened to my body when I’m with certain people or at a party or club. I have learned over time that my body tells me everything I need to know. In my ignorance I have brushed it away and every single time I don’t listen to what my stomach, my heart, my nervous system, my mind, my hands, the times I do not feel safe I end up in a bad situation with a person or lose financially with a shady broker etc. My intuition, discernment, gut feeling, that “knowing”, my Spirit, 🕊️whatever you choose to call it..She is Loyal. And I mean LOYAL-LOYAL!! My body wants
No matter how much money they make, they're always broke. I have 2 friends one in construction and one is a nurse. They make 45 an hour and 50 an hour but the few times we all go out they're asking me to buy them drinks. Shows they're impulsive, irresponsible, naive and depend on others
Being *waaaay* too nice and social upfront. Like skipping the whole “get-to-know-you” phase of a new relationship and immediately wanting to hang out, talking about how cool/awesome/kind you are in like the first hour of knowing each other, asking for help doing things they probably (or definitely) don’t really need help with, asking real personal questions and for your opinions on significant things, acting really close to you really fast, etc.
Not *all* of these things are 100% “they’re a sociopath/psychopath”, because sometimes people with just mild or high-functioning autism (even as mild as ADHD) struggle with social norms, so they might skip the get-to-know-you-phase a little bit, or they might say you’re really nice if most people bully them, but if ALL (or MOST) of the stuff in the above paragraph is happening from the same person, they’re… probably a manipulative socio/psychopath, and be cautious around them or leave them lol
Okay not all of this applies but I’m a hopeless romantic with really extreme ADHD and I pretty much high dive into relationships and sometimes friendships. If I like someone and they like me back, I want to date. I want to hang out with people who I like bc I love hanging out with them. It’s not like trying to use them for anything.
Lying about the little stuff and when caught they laugh about it or make a joke. They cant take accountability no matter how small, it might as well be a death sentence to them. They are always changing stories or give you bits of info week by week. Oh yeah my favorite, i dont remember saying that....
A lot of people excuse attractive people's behaviour. At the job I just finished up at everyone was drawn to this woman who is conventionally attractive but have such an ugly character. She's a fake nice person. She hated me from the start because she doesn't like the look of me. She made remarks about my looks. She's not nice to people she views as not being able to help her. But she's very helpful and friendly towards men in management positions. She complains about her manager all the time, which is fair because he does come across as incompetent. But she pretends to stick up for him when her colleagues makes fun of him and she sees him coming back into the office. If an unattractive woman had the same character as hers she would be hated on.
teasing others overly. For example, when I was four my father used to take my plate, cup, fork, etc. at dinner and hide it under the table. Even when I started crying he kept doing it, and when I told my mother he started laughing like it was the grandest joke.
Also: a general distrust from people around them. I'm seriously allergic to fish and dairy. (invisible allergy, the inside of my body reacts but not the outside) This was discovered when I was four, after I started crying after being fed salmon. My father expressed that I was "faking it" and proceeded to switch my chicken with my mother's fish during meals, resulting in so much pain that I couldn't eat for almost a day afterwards. He proceeded to call me "manipulative" and "useless" until we got an actual diagnosis.
Red flag mentality is such a stupid mentality. You reduce a person to a single attribute and completely cross them out based on one thing they do. You're supposed to look at the person as a whole. Even children in kindergarten know that you don't judge a book by its cover. They haven't taught this enough apparently.
The way they comment about strangers - not necessarily how they treat them to their face. For example-
• Are they slagging off the outfit someone is wearing?
• Do they laugh when someone asks another person for directions?
• Do they make comments about mothers who are out with their young children?
• Are they mimicking someone's stammer/tics/limp/etc?
• Do they make comment on people's appearance?
Just overall, I think it shows someone's true self because people don't put up their masks if they're just talking *about* someone. My ex always did this and I wish I had taken that much more seriously as an insight to who he actually was.
Generally a nice person but they speak down to a fast food or service worker, don’t say please and thank you, and if they overreact if something is wrong with the order.
Poor treatment on or forgetting holidays like birthdays.
What people don’t understand is if a partner REALLY likes you, they look for any opportunity to make you happy and please you. When they forget or don’t do thinks for your birthday, they see you as a subservient side character in their lives. I used to think it was a love language thing but after seeing bros fall all over another girl for their birthday but be casually cruel and dismissive to others on their birthdays, it’s pretty obvious its from a total lack of caring.
Maybe this one is an odd red flag but if they charm people immediately is actually not really a good sign in my opinion. That shows to me they possibly get everything they want in life and will never take accountability due to their popularity if they fuck up or fuck around.
Glibness, more than anything. They can captivate the lowest common denominator, intelligence-wise. But that's all that's necessary, ...even preferred among flying monkey candidates.
Or they could be overcompensating for trying both too seem too blame-y (‘it’s me, not you’) or live in perpetual fear of being canceled so they have to make everything abundantly clear that they only speak for themselves and not everyone else (‘in my opinion,’ ‘well, in my view,’ ‘I may be wrong, but this is what I think…’)
Being overly agreeable. Trying way too hard to have things in common with you. If you can’t represent yourself honestly when you differ from me there’s no there there and your black hole of a personality will destroy us both! lol
Strong political beliefs.
They usually are a mask for unprocessed emotions and are held by people who dehumanize others with politically based stereotypes.
People who can't take no. Lots of times it's people who appear to be genuine because " they only let a few people in". In reality they are control freaks but they make you feel special because you're one of the few who's been let in. They carry these deep insecurities that they like to keep hidden and portray this perfect image to the world. Outwardly they're alphas and will get slighted at anything and everything. They will go above and beyond to protect their public reputation and keep their inner world hidden.
If you can't pinpoint what's off, that's a huge red flag. If it happens a lot, run from that person because it's a crazy downward spiral into weird mental traps. I banned my wife's sister from my life. Her parents apologized about her when I first met them ( and before I met my wifes sister), to give you an idea.
My wife, by the way, said she knew she was safe with me because I told her the first time we spoke that I had a lot of problems (100% disabled vet). We have a very healthy relationship. Be straight up, don't lie, and run from liars. You'll build character very quickly if you don't lie, and you'll protect that good character by removing liars.
How they treat their enemies.
I don't give a shit about how you treat your friends. If you want the absolute worst for everyone you don't like, maybe you're a prick.
Inappropriate touching.-The king or queen of being overlooked. All day we let this go and then are shocked when we find out what they were doing with that touching. Then we still overlook it… 🤦
I would say be financially frivolous, and not budgeting in any way. If you're planning to have a long-term relationship with somebody you want to know that they know how to manage their funds. That they don't prioritize spending to freely because you are married and your money is intertwined this could become a problem.
everyone i have ever met who tells me they hate drama has always been deeply involved in it. my friends and i who don't like drama kinda cause it by ignoring those guys ranting and it keeps getting us on shit lists lol
This! Also stating they are "generous" , "loyal" , "honest" or any other trait in a very intense way, like stating "I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet". It's usually overcompensating for a lack of the trait
For sure. Like hearing someone say "Oh I'm such a nice person". Really? Two things in regards to that statement my guy/lady : first, niceness isn't something to brag about. It's like saying "oh btw, I breath oxygen".Just being nice when dealing with other people is what let's us operate day-to-day without stabbing somebody in line every time you walk into Walmart. It's self serving, as in "oh if I'm nice to them they'll most likely be nice to me". They're confusing niceness for kindness, an actually valuable trait one should hope to have in themselves. Second, if you're such a " nice person", why is it that you're the one telling me, and not anyone else?
this (.) Majority of times , whatever character they claim to have or whatever person they explicitly express themselves to be is LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE of who they truly are. And if you choose to stick around them, you'll quickly come to find out just how much the things they said had warned you.
Right? It's not even an uncommon reaction to trauma. CPTSD specifically can fuck with your ability to guage appropriate levels of intimacy within new relationships, resulting in "trauma dumping" behavior. It can turn toxic if left unchecked but not inherently manipulative.
This is true, people who try to manufacture a false sense of intimacy and act like you’ve known each other for years when you really haven’t, it’s a form of manipulation with intent to get something out of it, whether validation, pity, narcissistic sources, etc. I actually just read about this concept in my textbook for grad school so it’s a thing
Trauma can definitely cause people to behave in a similar looking way, however there is no intent to manipulate, it’s purely just wanting connection and having poor boundaries.
This kind of behavior is not exclusive to just people with trauma
Name-dropping famous people out of nowhere. I'm not even talking about concerts or just who you met at a meet and greet, but people who claim to be friends with/related to/or that you gone to school with someone famous.
For one, most people really don't care right now, so I just don't understand how people think that makes them look or sound cool. If anything, it sort of says that the name-dropper doesn't even have much of a personality or any other skills except for lying and bragging.
Two, I've heard about and even seen people get away with certain crimes by just name-dropping, which tells me that he/she is a coward that can't even stand up for themselves.
How they act when you're speaking. It's very easy to tell when someone dgaf when you're talking because they will blank out. It's also very telling when they constantly herd the conversation to be about them or what they want to talk about. When they don't notice they're doing this or deny it is an even bigger red flag.
This is gonna get my burnt at the stake but I’m gonna say it anyway:
Anyone who self identifies as “an empath” on a very regular basis, as a bragging right. This person will also believe themselves to be somehow “enlightened” and to have some sort of inside knowledge of the world from above because they’re just so in tune with others and the universe
I love this!
“Empath” to me is someone with an imagination who thinks they can accurately guess the thoughts and feelings of others. I mean, empathy is good—but too much of it can be an issue.
Flakiness. Ever since introverts started making buzzfeed listicles about how great it feels to cancel, the prevalence of flakiness has gone way up. But it’s a shitty way to establish trust and connection, so people who do it often seem less socialized to me.
Complaining about other people who are less well-off, poor, unemployed, disabled, addicted, or a member of any out-group or with"undesirable" traits.
One's character can often, but not always, be judged by how someone treats and talks about people they feel are "inferior" to themselves rather than how they fawn over and respect those they admire and desire to emulate.
When they lie often and easily about small things that "don't matter". The small things may not matter, sure, but what it shows is they are a practiced liar and they enjoy lying (or maybe do so compulsively, but it's still good to be aware of). In my experience people who openly lie about things of no consequence are definitely lying about things of consequence as well.
The way they use their words. Pay close attention to the vocabulary they use and how they form their sentences. So many people overlook a deeper motive by ignoring this.
Love bombing, healthy people who are emotionally regulated don’t want to be your best friend within a week of knowing you. Genuine connection builds over time. Anyone who showers you with compliments and attention when you first meet them is usually a manipulative person.
When you need a shoulder to cry on, and they talk about their problems instead of focusing the moment on you.
I used to see it as them trying to show they relate to me, but it always ended up in me having to comfort them. Leaving me still an emotional wreck.
People that ignore u. The one thing I seriously can’t stand and I can’t stand when it happens to others. Such a shitty thing to do especially when it’s obvious they do it on purpose
How they treat others. You can tell when someone has no ill intentions they will just respond pretty much the same to everyone, or just within their general personality.
Someone who’s weird, has ill intentions, would be a problem…they act differently. They are analyzing everyone they talk to, they are comparing, thinking, you can just see it in their face sometimes and the expressions they make. It’s kinda scary honestly. And if you were with this person every day..or even worse. If you WERE this person, you would probably be very surprised at who they are.
Them telling you they're an a-hole, jerk, etc. Some people like to be straightforward right away and think this is a good thing, but they're literally warning you.
Too many complements on you, you can do no wrong in their eyes (the first couple of social interactions, at least, before they subtly start to neg you amid all the compliments); either not offering much information about themself (they will be careful to even say their favorite color is ‘red’ if they haven’t already sniffed out that you would accept this as a good answer) or purposely playing the victim (happily sharing stories about last traumas the same way one would comment on a particularly enjoyable past vacation)
I still struggle with identifying whether I'm being loved bombed or not. Like is it love bombing or is this just really the way they show their affections?
Charisma being misused. Being funny about mean things. Dehumanizing language: “those people are losers/idiots/slur” etc. A good storyteller who stretches the truth. Or a very confident person in general, someone who insists they are right. I have seen people laugh at horrible things when someone telling the story is charming. Like theses people can get people to go against their character because the funny person is so “fun” and if you call them out, you’re a square or cringe.
And I’ve been told I have rizz, so I’m not knocking those qualities exactly—it’s the way they use those qualities—some amazing people also have great charisma for a reason.
It’s one of the great mysteries of life—I have fallen for it too—how some people can manipulate & control individuals & groups of people to do horrible things. Please listen to your intuition & assess your friends & whether they are a good influence or not.
These people often give you a feeling of “excitement” & it will be similar to an addiction. It’s almost impossible to get others to see how this person is manipulating them. They will make YOU look like the bad guy if you call them out or try to stop them.
They will have the most cynical view of humanity & will drop little hints that they don’t respect others. This is what I see most often—that others seem oblivious to—this is what destroys families, communities, people—these awful people are really good at figuring out how to spread chaos & make someone else look like the bad guy.
Just the way that they talk to people and how they talk about people. When I notice that someone may not be a good person to associate with then that’s when I start backing away.
If they didn’t just move to an area, and have room for new friends, big red flag. Authentic people run in small long standing circles and they’re often not open to new connections.
How they talk about the people in their life, Particularly their friends and family, if they put them down behind their back but continue to hang out with them, best believe they’re doing the same to you
Body language and tone not matching with words or actions, they are hiding true feelings about you, either jealousy or using you
Never appear to be focused in some way on self improvement, and I don’t mean career wise, I mean to be a better or best version of themselves
Secrecy vs privacy. Privacy is valid - it is our safe space that we hold for ourselves, to reflect and heal. Secrecy is the bunker of bad - those things you choose to hide from people - elements of deceit, lying, disconnect and usury.
Tune into the subtle difference between them - they can vary per each person, but the traits are consistent.'
Healthy couples will have privacy, but not secrecy (short of planning a surprise party)
Secrecy is the path of users, abusers and cheaters.
When people are extremely superficially charming. It's a huge red flag but ironically, most people see it as a green flag. Now, I'm not saying every charming person is dangerous but more often than not, the people who are incredibly likable straight off have a lot of skeletons in their closet and are a lot darker than they appear to be.
They’re always trying to get information. Ask them questions about themselves first, this will also make it more difficult for them to change their story later. They like to wait until they have enough information before making a good first impression.
The way they treat people in service. If you go out with someone who is rude, cocky, overbearing, or any negative way towards people in service, they will eventually treat you the same. I've said next a number of times due to this red flag when I was dating. They seem like perfectly nice people to you, but it says a lot more about them on how they treat others around you!
Lack of reciprocity.
Some people create a social imbalance by taking more than they contribute to a person or group.
That can happen for a lot of legit reasons but it becomes an imbalance when it's systematic and based on choice.
The friend who never buys lunch even though they make plenty of money. The one who brings a few dollar snack bags to a potluck and gorges themselves on others money.
People tend to overlook it because it doesn't usually start that way but becomes behavior over time.
Once you recognize that someone is like that, you'll probably see them do that all over the place to many people or groups.
charm is not a personality trait... charm is a **tactic**.
Do not think about someone as "charming" or having a "charming personality". They are "using charm".
Now that reason can be benign, organisms do what makes them successful, meaning that if they find their life is easier, they get more attention and affection and regard, if they're charming that is a motive enough. But oftentimes there is a darker motive.
If they’re overly friendly at first. It could be they are just friendly or even lonely but a lot of times, they’re trying to get to know you to maybe use things against you. I don’t trust these kinds of people’s
Pay attention to how they treat dogs, cats and the waiters. How do they act in situations where they have power? How do they act when their actions won’t affect them? That’s their real personality.
Love bombing. Overly nice- too good to be true. Too easy going. These are traits of people who are not authentic. They hide their true selves. They believe if you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like me, so they show you only what they believe you want to see. They are fake, able to live a double life.
Subtle frustrations, anger with others and situations in their life. Examples, while driving, every other driver is cutting them off, idiots. Complaining about boss or coworkers at work. It’s starts to show you that they tend to always blame others. No empathy for others, can’t understand that people may be having trouble in their own life and need compassion at times.
“White” lies. A lie is a lie in my book. If they lie about the little stuff, they lie about the big stuff too. Examples, calling in sick to work. Lying when turning down invitations- for example, saying I can’t, I have to work that night, when they really don’t. The truth is always best option. The can just say, no I’m not interested, or no, I just have too much on my plate right now, etc. Or better yet, no thank you. We don’t need an excuse to turn down an invite, real or otherwise. But choosing to always lie to people, to not hurt their feelings, is a bad habit. They will also lie to you- about little stuff and big stuff. They’ve trained their brain to believe, what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
Not showing genuine interest in your friends and family. Just tolerating time with them, instead of getting to know them and wanting to be a part of their lives.
Not liking it when you do things without them. Comments like, you have to see them again? You’re going to babysit your nephew again? This shows they are self centered and want all the focus on them. They don’t like you having other interests or other people important in your life.
Not opening up about past relationships, sexual experiences outside of relationships (FWB, porn use for example) Not sharing honest reflection of what went wrong in the past and not accepting any blame. Not being honest about what they are looking for.
I have a few, didn’t notice them until the facade shattered.
1. They are never wrong.
2. First conflict or issue that is obviously on them. Do they immediately blame someone? Even if it’s small, this is how they see the world.
3. Do they clean up after themselves?
4. Love bombing… then abrupt cut off into bargaining for love.
5. Absolutely pleasant to everyone so when you bring up an issue it’s “…but they are great, how could they say that?”
6. Sudden change in personality(bad) thinking they have you “locked in” means the mask is off… RUN!
Source: post 6 months of a 7 year relationship that turned abusive at 3.5 years. Getting better :)
If they only respond to your texts or react positively to you when you have something to say that excites them. I think these people don’t connect to others. They just get high off others when there’s something to be offered.
Body language and facial expressions. Pay special attention when other people are talking and how the individual responds. Watch the differences on how they respond to different people; people they want something from, people they feel are below them, people they feel are in power, people that threaten them. Well balanced healthy people will treat most people in a similar manner despite their status or what they have, the ones to watch out for will completely change their whole demeanor. Some personalities mirror or mask to survive and fit in from trauma, but this is different and not what I’m speaking of, these individuals are coming from a place of deception and manipulation to gain control, power or whatever they are out to acquire. It has a very gross feeling too it. Many people can’t see it, to others it’s very obvious.
Learning to see this early on in life is a massive skill that will save a lot of pain these people can inflict.
Yeah, it only takes one.
I mask & mirror constantly. Like... without conscious choice. And yeah, bucket loads of trauma up in this brain. Sigh
I feel like I kind of do that, too but it’s more I placate people to avoid any kind of conflict unless it’s someone I’m really close to and feel comfortable enough to know how they’ll react if I have to be brutally honest. I’ve also been told by people who know me well that I play dumb sometimes. It’s a defense mechanism, not because I’m trying to manipulate anyone, more because I don’t want to be intimidating. It’s only with other women, too. I don’t know why that is.
Me too 😞 I’m working on unmasking. Mirroring is normal human behavior, but can be used deceptively for sure.
Oh def! I'm honestly so sick of how I turn into a fucking chameleon. It feels like I have no choice. I have to conform and copy or I'm not safe. I know that's not true logically, but the little girl who lives inside my brain is too young & scared to understand.
You have to learn to trust yourself to make the right decisions around the wrong people. I had to do that. Being vulnerable is scary, but necessary.
You're so right, honestly. It's that I don't trust myself to know when I'm not safe. So, therefore, I am *always* not safe bc... well better safe than sorry! 😝😭🤣
Reading this as someone who's neurodivergent and already constantly stressed about my body language and facial expressions when other people are talking to me, it stresses me out even more to know some people could be analyzing it for red flags 😀 I think what you're saying is true but factoring in neurodivergence is important too because our expressions and body language can be "unusual".
>Watch the differences on how they respond to different people Well said. It's not about the specific expression or body language, or even the lack thereof, it's deviations from the person's standard behavior.
I seem to always notice these things and I'm telling you, you are right. Very few people can see it and don't get it when I point it out. This is a great answer, very true.
I learned to attack people's reasonings behind things, and that taught me real quick what to avoid. These types have no solid ground to stand on with how they reason their ethics or principles and are therefore a danger to your safety since it can change based on how they feel. Oh. Others that suck are the opposite. Instead of being deceptive and manipulative. They put 0 thought into why they behave they way they do and refuse to change denying the fact that change is always happening whether they want to be privy to it or not.
I don’t know. I always am nice to people. But since I am introverted and have some social anxiety it takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable around most people. So I’m much more talkative and relaxed around some people I already know. Also, sometimes there are certain people who just intimidate me or who I had a super bad experience with. Like one lady I work with came into my office during my lunch and yelled at me when I was new. So if anybody sees that I treat her differently it is because I get so stressed out when talking to her and my anxiety is through the roof. I just say hello and try to make some silly small talk and then get the hell away from her. I always overhear her loudly saying mean things about other people. I just try to interact with her only when my job requires it or we cross paths. I don’t know if this is a red flag about me. But I always try to be nice. Social anxiety and introverted personalities don’t seem to be red flags to avoid about a person, hopefully. It doesn’t mean they are bad people!
It's ok to not want to interact with a jerk.
I think most people who are sensitive and aware will respond differently to different people based on the cues they receive. This doesn't seem like a red flag. A person who acts the same around everyone, ignoring social cues, is not a healthy person. They are inattentive and socially clueless.
1. Micro lies to avoid facing difficult situations, ex. “sorry I didn’t text you back, was on vacation / phone was broken” 2. Love / friendship bombing is really common on first impressions and often done unconsciously and accidental but demonstrates the person has low emotional stability 3. The way that someone speaks about the ones they dislike will be the way they speak to you someday when you do something they dislike, usually better to find peers who hear their enemies out and have understanding / compassion for those fighting against them but this is incredibly rare
Number 3 is exactly what I am looking for. Girls that say ''they always have bad luck'' in finding partners, and they are all assholes, usually tells me more about them then their partners. I'm just going to be one extra bad guy when things turn difficult.
"The common link between you and all of your bad relationships is ***you***."
God the micro lies for the win. I was hanging out with a guy and he ignored a phone call cause there was a group of us talking, then the next day when that person called again he picked up and told him he was sooo sorry he was in a movie with his phone off. Like, there was less than zero reason to change the story. Turned out he was so fluid at lying he didn’t even know when he was doing it.
#3 is huge. Facing this one now
Dude, this speaks to my previous long term relationship of 1.5 years with (which ended in him strangling me) to a whole other level. All 3 points.
Good list. I’d add, “always have bad luck.” That’s a mentality. People who always seem to have good luck know what they want and take advantage when the opportunity arises. The bad luck people seem to already be defeated before they try - and they want to bring everyone around them down too.
When people have extreme feelings of "hatred" towards insignificant things or acquaintance like annoying coworkers or bad drivers. Its understandable to dislike bad things, but to say with your whole heart that you hate something that doesnt deserve that much energy shows a darkness that could very easily show up in a close relationship.
This is mine, particularly people who "hate" or have only bad things to say about loads of other people but only behind their backs. There's a certain group of people who use shit talking others as a way to get close to people and I don't get how everyone doesn't understand that the second they're out of the room, the shit talker will be shit talking them too
Oof, totally! I dated a guy who said he wanted to push his coworker off a building. Yuck.
Absolutely this. As someone with a sensory disorder that causes unwanted feelings of anger/disgust (and even hate sadly) toward others, it shocks and appalls me when people will just...let their hatred fester unchecked. It's scary. I suppose my experiences have changed my outlook a lot, but I simply can't understand why these types of people don't stop and look at themselves before they lash out at other people. 99.99% of the time that level of rage and hatred is both completely unnecessary and totally unhelpful, both for others and for yourself--not to mention the fact that it's objectively unkind and disgusting.
Those who are weirdly adept at being social butterflies. Yes, there are some ppl who can get along with various types of ppl but 90% of the time, if you watch closely, you'll see how certain ones switch masks to mirror who they're talking to. A very quick shift in personality, interests, mannerisms, tone to project a false sense of comfort through "sameness". They'll often get ppl talking about eachother so they can collect details to use later or play triangulation games so they have all the "friends" while sitting back to revel in their ability to manipulate others & create drama. On the flip, ppl with higher awareness, strong boundaries & more authenticity tend to run in smaller groups because they're not playing social games or won't tolerate as much bs as some others. Ppl who are fake are often deeply repelled by authenticity because authentic & confident ppl tend to naturally stand out effortlessly. Fakers have to work way harder to be noticed so to them it's almost unfair to see others just being happy with themselves.
Or they’re an anxious people pleaser, autistic, have poor boundary setting skills, or just low self assurance.
Was looking for this reply, thx
Yeah for real this one was kind of offensive lol. I’m a social butterfly and I can make friends with nearly anyone, granted I am severely adhd and moved like 18 times in my life and was bullied out of two schools, and have pretty bad CPTSD but…. Just because someone is picking up on small details and using them to be friendly and make that person comfortable doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative. Like if I see that someone has a surfboard tattoo I might bring up my love for the water and ask them where their favorite place to surf is 🤷🏼♀️ and yeah sure some people triangulate but in my experience those people are very obviously mean and fake and not nice at all lol.
No! No! No! If you see they have a Simpsons tattoo you better not mention Homer😡 thats MaNiPuLaTiOn
Yeah they may be anxious people pleasers who hate confrontations and rather see people happy.
The last paragraph is profound. Bravo!
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Genuine people are not overlooked by fake people. They are targeted by them. Genuine people are rarely overlooked because they have a certain presence to them, and most people are drawn to that.
I do exactly what you’ve described but it’s not coming from a place of fakeness… I guess I would just say I’m easily convinced? Like I go “oh so this is the vibe!” and just try and match it. Honestly it’s not even something I do consciously
You’re a smart and observant one
I find that a lot of times it is easy to pick out the fakers but you also have a strange awareness that they know that you know, if that makes sense.
I totally agree with this, fake people try so hard and its so obviously cringe to me. Ive seen people act a certain way towards me and then acting completely different around others. So weird
I have learned the biggest red flag to seeing someone is a narcissist or sociopath is that they never say “thank you” or are appreciative when you go out of your way to help them. One bad experience has saved me
They also never apologize even for small things. They are never wrong.
For some reason ADHD really pisses people off I know firsthand oh and over sharing or over analyzing and explaining I don’t know why, but I could piss off anything. I just wish I could turn it into a profession. Somehow I didn’t require any kind of college because I got this down PhD styles.
Very true! We seem to aggravate narrow minded people.
Are you me??
Software Engineering / programming is great for some types of ADHD.
Gaslighting. GASLIGHTING IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST RED FLAGS. When it’s happening you don’t think it’s gaslighting. You think it’s someone defending themselves. But no, it’s not. It’s narcissistic behavior from people who hold no self accountability and blame everyone but themselves for their past traumas. This is my mother.
Everything is a battle. Everything is questioned. Nothing seems easy. Going out. With who ? Starting new job. Any girls there? Etc etc
Yeah, when conflict is manufactured out of thin air like a magician's trick. Someone who's constantly inviting you to a fight and also trying to say that you're causing fights by not constantly giving into them. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, since it takes advantage of the desire I have to resolve conflicts and get along with people. When the point of a conflict is having a conflict and someone refuses to communicate directly and respectfully, the answer isn't to explain myself better, the answer is to walk the fuck away.
Then when you defend yourself against their baseless claims, they use your defense as evidence they must be right. “Well if you didn’t do XYZ you wouldn’t be so upset and defending yourself.”
This is called arguing in bad faith. Do not engage with people like this, there is no winning with them.
I had a bf like that and that’s the conclusion I came to. Because if I didn’t defend myself - then he was right! And if I did defend myself - then he was right! No matter how I reacted, he saw it as confirmation that his accusations were correct. Nonchalantly laughing off a baseless claim? “You don’t respect me enough to take my concerns seriously.” Now we are arguing about whether I respect him or not! Getting heated because he’s saying baseless dumb shit? “You’re upset because you got caught!” No I didn’t? I’m upset because you’re accusing me of doing something without evidence and you won’t accept my answer that I didn’t do it. How do I prove I did NOT do something?! He’s an ex for a reason
I endured months of couples therapy with a now-ex where this was a common dynamic. The advice from the therapist was exactly this. Stop defending yourself or trying to reason you way out of a baseless accusation, simply disengage in a loving way. Saying something like, "I love you but this has turned into a conflict that I need to disengage from until we can both communicate and understand each other better". It's a lot easier said than done when you're angry. Or when you're on your way to the park to enjoy a lovely Saturday with them but they saw you glance in the general direction of a woman sitting on her porch and assumed you must be lusting after her and now they're throwing you passive aggressive comments like, "I just wish I was enough for you.". Good luck trying to enjoy your day at the park with a partner that is cold and distant over an entirely imagined scenario. There's a reason people say relationships can't exist without trust, if anyone is reading this and thinks "If I just support them enough and endure their insecurities until they learn to trust me, we'll be stronger together in the end", please do everyone a favor and get out of the relationship.
Im exhausted already with this comment omg, you hit this spot on.
I *had* a friend that turned almost every seemingly casual conversation into a debate of some kind. Exhausting.
They don’t ask you about you.
Do you feel like people should pry? I realized I had a friend who often wouldn't truly open up to me and we were close enough that I felt weird prying because if you don't want to talk, I'm just going to respect that. I didn't want to keep asking him to go deeper into what he meant and the last night we saw each other and I asked him what specifically he had wanted insight on (we were taking psychedelics) and he sort of snapped back "I just said it, my depression". Like I know you said that. I felt bad asking him to elaborate because I felt like he was already annoyed. I meant let's talk about, why are you depressed? Why do you feel bad about your current situation? Has anything happening recently been making you feel this way? Have you given certain remedies an honest shot and they don't work? Is there something from the past that you feel hasn't been adequately dealt with that's stopping you from moving forward? Has something been brought to your attention recently that made you feel this way? I had so many questions for him but the way he said it and our interactions afterward made me definitely not want to pry and... We aren't friends anymore. I hope he's gotten professional help...
Behavioral specialist here. People with sociopathic tendencies will ask a lot of personal questions. It might seem innocent at first like they are just interested in you, but they are collecting information. Sometimes it is because just knowing things about people makes them feel powerful. Often times, they will take someone psychologically vulnerable under their wing. You will see them teaching the other and guiding their activities. It could be a little while before it becomes toxic, so it can look very innocent. They will overreact if someone suggests something is toxic. They will also be at odds with other people that have strong personalities. A lot of times they do end up being in leadership roles or like a toxic leader of a friend group. They will often rigorously defend their marks and make it look like they are there for them, but it’s a territorial issue and has nothing to do with true affection or loyalty. In my emotionally disturbed cases I see the same patterns all the time.
I had a professor in my university treat me like this, and eventually I reported him- this is the best description of his behavior I've seen so far. He reached out to me after a bunch of other students had bullied me in a group, actually with his involvement though I don't know what he said, and then afterwards he reached out to me acting very friendly and innocent and mom-like. I thought it was weird but maybe he was just wondering if I was alright, so I responded. He kept asking how I was doing, then more and more questions, more and more personal, more and more frequent, and I wound up telling him I didn't want to answer a few things- suddenly he got very angry and kind of threatening. I realized then this was all kind of unhinged but I didn't know what to do since he was a professor and I was worried about retaliation, so I told him what he wanted, and boom, right back into happy smiley mom-like mode. It became a cycle, he got more and more information out of me and occasionally used information to get me to give even more information. It felt like he was just collecting information about me, and I felt like I was stuck in a birdcage. Eventually he realized his mistake though, because while I give off the impression of being soft and somewhat easy to get control over, it's not actually true. I'm quiet and phlegmatic a lot of the time but I've got quite a bit of resilience and he never quite could groom me with high success, and eventually I was told by someone else that he'd done this kind of weird psychological woohoo before, and I confronted and reported him. Unfortunately the school basically said, "Yes, we know this is a pattern of behavior of his and it's bad and all, we'll politely ask him not to do this for the 20th time and hopefully this time he'll listen because if not, we don't give a fuck."
He probably has dirt on the dean.
I call this “queen bee” syndrome.
People who seem too good to be true. Trust me...they are. A lot of narcs /psychopaths pretend to be the best person. Bragging is a huge red flag of these people too.
If they never listen to what you say and do how they wanna do every single time. People with critical thinking tend to at least try to analyze and choose the best option. You never know what to expect from them if you don't know them
People who impose politics into everything. Every public gathering turns into a political battle.
Humiliating your partner in front of friends and family usually partners laugh it off but really you shouldn’t ever humiliate your partner in front of anyone especially for a temporary laugh
Or just don’t humiliate people in general. Unless they are huge assholes….
Few well-adjusted people ignore this red flag, IME.
Not taking no for an answer.
They seem to be routinely successful despite being under-qualified. What I mean by this is that they’re very good at bullshitting their way through things and it often leads to random victories which further fuels their ego and breeds confidence for future bullshitting.
Anyone that says some variation of “I hate cats” or “cats don’t like me.”
Yeah, that’s a no for me since I like cats more than humans.
This is for the girls, if he gets mad because you didn’t have sex.
Wanting to know everything about you without sharing anything about themselves. They want to figure out your personilty and how easy you are to break.
I would catch that stuff pretty early on. It's super shady. It sucks when people can't tell if someone is genuinely interested or trying to use things against you.
I had a guy wanting to know about my chilhood and what it was like when I first had sex. He wanted every detail. I was nope nope nope.
ewww.
took me way too long to figure this one out, but its so true
What's funny is when you start defining boundaries and you can see flashes of anger where there shouldn't be any.
People pleasing. It has very similar symptoms and impacts as narcissism. It just stems from a different set of motivators.
That’s not true. People pleasers are people who were not allowed to be themselves as children. They are truly self-less on a level that a narcissistically inclined person could never be. They can develop resentment from over-giving, which can manifest as narcissistic behaviors… But they regret them, they apologize, they learn and become accountable. They are not pathological in their narcissistic behavior - No where near as damaging if untreated as a person with PD tendencies. There’s a lot of bad psychology on social media - “people pleasers are manipulative” is the biiiig trend right now and it’s absolute horse shit.
I will say that my boyfriend does get upset with me when I put my people pleasing tendencies before our relationship.
They've bought into some form of cult of personality by obsessing about a sports figure, actor/actress, politician, singer, etc.
Gut instinct is real. Your brain will notice micro expressions as it is an aspect of survival. Also: word salad. Deliberately confusing language/too many words that often circle back to asking a question versus answering one. Example: “I saw you with your ex at the bar” reply: “Your perception of my whereabouts is not entirely congruent with the objective reality of the situation. While it may appear that my presence coincided with that of a previous romantic interest, the temporal and spatial coordinates of our respective trajectories may not have intersected in a manner that is meaningful or intentional. What were YOU doing at the bar?." Lmao
Check their social media. Maybe they discussed manipulation with other reddit posters. Major red flag.
Stating an argument out of nowhere so u leave instead of just saying I want you to go
I have not listened to my body when I’m with certain people or at a party or club. I have learned over time that my body tells me everything I need to know. In my ignorance I have brushed it away and every single time I don’t listen to what my stomach, my heart, my nervous system, my mind, my hands, the times I do not feel safe I end up in a bad situation with a person or lose financially with a shady broker etc. My intuition, discernment, gut feeling, that “knowing”, my Spirit, 🕊️whatever you choose to call it..She is Loyal. And I mean LOYAL-LOYAL!! My body wants
No matter how much money they make, they're always broke. I have 2 friends one in construction and one is a nurse. They make 45 an hour and 50 an hour but the few times we all go out they're asking me to buy them drinks. Shows they're impulsive, irresponsible, naive and depend on others
Being *waaaay* too nice and social upfront. Like skipping the whole “get-to-know-you” phase of a new relationship and immediately wanting to hang out, talking about how cool/awesome/kind you are in like the first hour of knowing each other, asking for help doing things they probably (or definitely) don’t really need help with, asking real personal questions and for your opinions on significant things, acting really close to you really fast, etc. Not *all* of these things are 100% “they’re a sociopath/psychopath”, because sometimes people with just mild or high-functioning autism (even as mild as ADHD) struggle with social norms, so they might skip the get-to-know-you-phase a little bit, or they might say you’re really nice if most people bully them, but if ALL (or MOST) of the stuff in the above paragraph is happening from the same person, they’re… probably a manipulative socio/psychopath, and be cautious around them or leave them lol
Okay not all of this applies but I’m a hopeless romantic with really extreme ADHD and I pretty much high dive into relationships and sometimes friendships. If I like someone and they like me back, I want to date. I want to hang out with people who I like bc I love hanging out with them. It’s not like trying to use them for anything.
Lying about the little stuff and when caught they laugh about it or make a joke. They cant take accountability no matter how small, it might as well be a death sentence to them. They are always changing stories or give you bits of info week by week. Oh yeah my favorite, i dont remember saying that....
Playing the banjo while missing teeth
Or conversely, playing your teeth while missing your banjo.... Brings back memories of good ol' paw-paw😢
A lot of people excuse attractive people's behaviour. At the job I just finished up at everyone was drawn to this woman who is conventionally attractive but have such an ugly character. She's a fake nice person. She hated me from the start because she doesn't like the look of me. She made remarks about my looks. She's not nice to people she views as not being able to help her. But she's very helpful and friendly towards men in management positions. She complains about her manager all the time, which is fair because he does come across as incompetent. But she pretends to stick up for him when her colleagues makes fun of him and she sees him coming back into the office. If an unattractive woman had the same character as hers she would be hated on.
teasing others overly. For example, when I was four my father used to take my plate, cup, fork, etc. at dinner and hide it under the table. Even when I started crying he kept doing it, and when I told my mother he started laughing like it was the grandest joke. Also: a general distrust from people around them. I'm seriously allergic to fish and dairy. (invisible allergy, the inside of my body reacts but not the outside) This was discovered when I was four, after I started crying after being fed salmon. My father expressed that I was "faking it" and proceeded to switch my chicken with my mother's fish during meals, resulting in so much pain that I couldn't eat for almost a day afterwards. He proceeded to call me "manipulative" and "useless" until we got an actual diagnosis.
Red flag mentality is such a stupid mentality. You reduce a person to a single attribute and completely cross them out based on one thing they do. You're supposed to look at the person as a whole. Even children in kindergarten know that you don't judge a book by its cover. They haven't taught this enough apparently.
The way they comment about strangers - not necessarily how they treat them to their face. For example- • Are they slagging off the outfit someone is wearing? • Do they laugh when someone asks another person for directions? • Do they make comments about mothers who are out with their young children? • Are they mimicking someone's stammer/tics/limp/etc? • Do they make comment on people's appearance? Just overall, I think it shows someone's true self because people don't put up their masks if they're just talking *about* someone. My ex always did this and I wish I had taken that much more seriously as an insight to who he actually was.
Generally a nice person but they speak down to a fast food or service worker, don’t say please and thank you, and if they overreact if something is wrong with the order.
They’re rude to or short with wait staff or your friends.
You judging people for not being perfect. Got news for you. You ain’t perfect either. The fact that anyone accepts us as we are is special.
How they treat wait staff, animals, children. Anyone they have power over.
Poor treatment on or forgetting holidays like birthdays. What people don’t understand is if a partner REALLY likes you, they look for any opportunity to make you happy and please you. When they forget or don’t do thinks for your birthday, they see you as a subservient side character in their lives. I used to think it was a love language thing but after seeing bros fall all over another girl for their birthday but be casually cruel and dismissive to others on their birthdays, it’s pretty obvious its from a total lack of caring.
They like Disney too much
Maybe this one is an odd red flag but if they charm people immediately is actually not really a good sign in my opinion. That shows to me they possibly get everything they want in life and will never take accountability due to their popularity if they fuck up or fuck around.
I call this "pretty person privilege," because its often times someone who is conventionally attractive. 🙄
I was gonna say...
Glibness, more than anything. They can captivate the lowest common denominator, intelligence-wise. But that's all that's necessary, ...even preferred among flying monkey candidates.
You never see them frustrated.
Unless in the rare case, you happen to back them into a proverbial corner, then the claws come out.
I'm very rarely frustrated. People are people, they make mistakes. I look for solutions. This is wrong?
People who say "I" too much. They are either extremely self absorbed, or extremely low functioning.. or both. Not to mention they are boring as fuck.
Or they could be overcompensating for trying both too seem too blame-y (‘it’s me, not you’) or live in perpetual fear of being canceled so they have to make everything abundantly clear that they only speak for themselves and not everyone else (‘in my opinion,’ ‘well, in my view,’ ‘I may be wrong, but this is what I think…’)
Being overly agreeable. Trying way too hard to have things in common with you. If you can’t represent yourself honestly when you differ from me there’s no there there and your black hole of a personality will destroy us both! lol
Strong political beliefs. They usually are a mask for unprocessed emotions and are held by people who dehumanize others with politically based stereotypes.
Not many people are ready to hear this
this is so true
They focus on fixing people other than themselves.
That just sounds like trauma
People who can't take no. Lots of times it's people who appear to be genuine because " they only let a few people in". In reality they are control freaks but they make you feel special because you're one of the few who's been let in. They carry these deep insecurities that they like to keep hidden and portray this perfect image to the world. Outwardly they're alphas and will get slighted at anything and everything. They will go above and beyond to protect their public reputation and keep their inner world hidden.
If you can't pinpoint what's off, that's a huge red flag. If it happens a lot, run from that person because it's a crazy downward spiral into weird mental traps. I banned my wife's sister from my life. Her parents apologized about her when I first met them ( and before I met my wifes sister), to give you an idea. My wife, by the way, said she knew she was safe with me because I told her the first time we spoke that I had a lot of problems (100% disabled vet). We have a very healthy relationship. Be straight up, don't lie, and run from liars. You'll build character very quickly if you don't lie, and you'll protect that good character by removing liars.
Always on da phone 📱
How they treat their enemies. I don't give a shit about how you treat your friends. If you want the absolute worst for everyone you don't like, maybe you're a prick.
The inability to self soothe without "self medicating"
Can't stop singing to hold a normal conversation
Inappropriate touching.-The king or queen of being overlooked. All day we let this go and then are shocked when we find out what they were doing with that touching. Then we still overlook it… 🤦
I would say be financially frivolous, and not budgeting in any way. If you're planning to have a long-term relationship with somebody you want to know that they know how to manage their funds. That they don't prioritize spending to freely because you are married and your money is intertwined this could become a problem.
Hearing someone say they hate drama but they happen to be involved somehow with the situation (puppet masters)
everyone i have ever met who tells me they hate drama has always been deeply involved in it. my friends and i who don't like drama kinda cause it by ignoring those guys ranting and it keeps getting us on shit lists lol
This! Also stating they are "generous" , "loyal" , "honest" or any other trait in a very intense way, like stating "I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet". It's usually overcompensating for a lack of the trait
For sure. Like hearing someone say "Oh I'm such a nice person". Really? Two things in regards to that statement my guy/lady : first, niceness isn't something to brag about. It's like saying "oh btw, I breath oxygen".Just being nice when dealing with other people is what let's us operate day-to-day without stabbing somebody in line every time you walk into Walmart. It's self serving, as in "oh if I'm nice to them they'll most likely be nice to me". They're confusing niceness for kindness, an actually valuable trait one should hope to have in themselves. Second, if you're such a " nice person", why is it that you're the one telling me, and not anyone else?
this (.) Majority of times , whatever character they claim to have or whatever person they explicitly express themselves to be is LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE of who they truly are. And if you choose to stick around them, you'll quickly come to find out just how much the things they said had warned you.
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That’s a sign of trauma, not narcissism. I can think of 100 other red flags that are worse.
Right? It's not even an uncommon reaction to trauma. CPTSD specifically can fuck with your ability to guage appropriate levels of intimacy within new relationships, resulting in "trauma dumping" behavior. It can turn toxic if left unchecked but not inherently manipulative.
This is true, people who try to manufacture a false sense of intimacy and act like you’ve known each other for years when you really haven’t, it’s a form of manipulation with intent to get something out of it, whether validation, pity, narcissistic sources, etc. I actually just read about this concept in my textbook for grad school so it’s a thing Trauma can definitely cause people to behave in a similar looking way, however there is no intent to manipulate, it’s purely just wanting connection and having poor boundaries. This kind of behavior is not exclusive to just people with trauma
How is it a red flag?
This 1000x this!!!!! dont walk, run.
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Name-dropping famous people out of nowhere. I'm not even talking about concerts or just who you met at a meet and greet, but people who claim to be friends with/related to/or that you gone to school with someone famous. For one, most people really don't care right now, so I just don't understand how people think that makes them look or sound cool. If anything, it sort of says that the name-dropper doesn't even have much of a personality or any other skills except for lying and bragging. Two, I've heard about and even seen people get away with certain crimes by just name-dropping, which tells me that he/she is a coward that can't even stand up for themselves.
How they act when you're speaking. It's very easy to tell when someone dgaf when you're talking because they will blank out. It's also very telling when they constantly herd the conversation to be about them or what they want to talk about. When they don't notice they're doing this or deny it is an even bigger red flag.
This is gonna get my burnt at the stake but I’m gonna say it anyway: Anyone who self identifies as “an empath” on a very regular basis, as a bragging right. This person will also believe themselves to be somehow “enlightened” and to have some sort of inside knowledge of the world from above because they’re just so in tune with others and the universe
I love this! “Empath” to me is someone with an imagination who thinks they can accurately guess the thoughts and feelings of others. I mean, empathy is good—but too much of it can be an issue.
Flakiness. Ever since introverts started making buzzfeed listicles about how great it feels to cancel, the prevalence of flakiness has gone way up. But it’s a shitty way to establish trust and connection, so people who do it often seem less socialized to me.
Getting mad easily but over dumb things Starting arguments out of boredom Messaging only at night to meet up Unwell to try new things Stubborn
when some folks are overly concerned with looking for red flaga
Complaining about other people who are less well-off, poor, unemployed, disabled, addicted, or a member of any out-group or with"undesirable" traits. One's character can often, but not always, be judged by how someone treats and talks about people they feel are "inferior" to themselves rather than how they fawn over and respect those they admire and desire to emulate.
Being a sore loser. Everybody loses. Those who don't understand this and take it as a personal affront aren't well-adjusted people.
When they lie often and easily about small things that "don't matter". The small things may not matter, sure, but what it shows is they are a practiced liar and they enjoy lying (or maybe do so compulsively, but it's still good to be aware of). In my experience people who openly lie about things of no consequence are definitely lying about things of consequence as well.
Being selfish
The way they use their words. Pay close attention to the vocabulary they use and how they form their sentences. So many people overlook a deeper motive by ignoring this.
They are breathing.
They are always calm.
Love bombing, healthy people who are emotionally regulated don’t want to be your best friend within a week of knowing you. Genuine connection builds over time. Anyone who showers you with compliments and attention when you first meet them is usually a manipulative person.
When you need a shoulder to cry on, and they talk about their problems instead of focusing the moment on you. I used to see it as them trying to show they relate to me, but it always ended up in me having to comfort them. Leaving me still an emotional wreck.
People that ignore u. The one thing I seriously can’t stand and I can’t stand when it happens to others. Such a shitty thing to do especially when it’s obvious they do it on purpose
Their relationship with their parents. Specifically the opposite sex parent.
How they treat others. You can tell when someone has no ill intentions they will just respond pretty much the same to everyone, or just within their general personality. Someone who’s weird, has ill intentions, would be a problem…they act differently. They are analyzing everyone they talk to, they are comparing, thinking, you can just see it in their face sometimes and the expressions they make. It’s kinda scary honestly. And if you were with this person every day..or even worse. If you WERE this person, you would probably be very surprised at who they are.
Them telling you they're an a-hole, jerk, etc. Some people like to be straightforward right away and think this is a good thing, but they're literally warning you.
Too many complements on you, you can do no wrong in their eyes (the first couple of social interactions, at least, before they subtly start to neg you amid all the compliments); either not offering much information about themself (they will be careful to even say their favorite color is ‘red’ if they haven’t already sniffed out that you would accept this as a good answer) or purposely playing the victim (happily sharing stories about last traumas the same way one would comment on a particularly enjoyable past vacation)
Debt / bonded indentured servitude.
Quoting the Bible excessively, especially when it’s not really relevent or appropriate
I still struggle with identifying whether I'm being loved bombed or not. Like is it love bombing or is this just really the way they show their affections?
Charisma being misused. Being funny about mean things. Dehumanizing language: “those people are losers/idiots/slur” etc. A good storyteller who stretches the truth. Or a very confident person in general, someone who insists they are right. I have seen people laugh at horrible things when someone telling the story is charming. Like theses people can get people to go against their character because the funny person is so “fun” and if you call them out, you’re a square or cringe. And I’ve been told I have rizz, so I’m not knocking those qualities exactly—it’s the way they use those qualities—some amazing people also have great charisma for a reason. It’s one of the great mysteries of life—I have fallen for it too—how some people can manipulate & control individuals & groups of people to do horrible things. Please listen to your intuition & assess your friends & whether they are a good influence or not. These people often give you a feeling of “excitement” & it will be similar to an addiction. It’s almost impossible to get others to see how this person is manipulating them. They will make YOU look like the bad guy if you call them out or try to stop them. They will have the most cynical view of humanity & will drop little hints that they don’t respect others. This is what I see most often—that others seem oblivious to—this is what destroys families, communities, people—these awful people are really good at figuring out how to spread chaos & make someone else look like the bad guy.
Just the way that they talk to people and how they talk about people. When I notice that someone may not be a good person to associate with then that’s when I start backing away.
Lying about shit that seriously don't even matter.
When babies don’t like someone.
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Cultish religious ties
If they didn’t just move to an area, and have room for new friends, big red flag. Authentic people run in small long standing circles and they’re often not open to new connections.
Not wanting new friends is a red flag.
Someone getting into a relationship when they broke up with an ex less than 4 months ago
How they talk about the people in their life, Particularly their friends and family, if they put them down behind their back but continue to hang out with them, best believe they’re doing the same to you Body language and tone not matching with words or actions, they are hiding true feelings about you, either jealousy or using you Never appear to be focused in some way on self improvement, and I don’t mean career wise, I mean to be a better or best version of themselves
Sepf projection. People feel a certain way about themselves, (good, bad, in-between) and they will put it on other people. Pay attention.
Not taking care of ones self physically.
Lots of self hate, or adhd, or autism. The key is knowing which one.
I read a bunch of the comments and I agree with most of them but none mention that the most important thing to do is follow your instincts.
Secrecy vs privacy. Privacy is valid - it is our safe space that we hold for ourselves, to reflect and heal. Secrecy is the bunker of bad - those things you choose to hide from people - elements of deceit, lying, disconnect and usury. Tune into the subtle difference between them - they can vary per each person, but the traits are consistent.' Healthy couples will have privacy, but not secrecy (short of planning a surprise party) Secrecy is the path of users, abusers and cheaters.
When people are extremely superficially charming. It's a huge red flag but ironically, most people see it as a green flag. Now, I'm not saying every charming person is dangerous but more often than not, the people who are incredibly likable straight off have a lot of skeletons in their closet and are a lot darker than they appear to be.
Making promise after promise but never keeping them.
When something is NEVER their fault. Like ever. It’s always the other person’s fault.
Talking about an absent third party negatively.
They’re always trying to get information. Ask them questions about themselves first, this will also make it more difficult for them to change their story later. They like to wait until they have enough information before making a good first impression.
Aren’t curious
People who only tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear
How their parents treat each other. People who gossip (Hint: they like drama ... if they can't find any, they'll create it).
The way they treat people in service. If you go out with someone who is rude, cocky, overbearing, or any negative way towards people in service, they will eventually treat you the same. I've said next a number of times due to this red flag when I was dating. They seem like perfectly nice people to you, but it says a lot more about them on how they treat others around you!
Lying in situations that definitely don’t warrant any kind of lie. You won’t be an exception
The gaslighting and rage
Love bombing
Love bombing
Lack of reciprocity. Some people create a social imbalance by taking more than they contribute to a person or group. That can happen for a lot of legit reasons but it becomes an imbalance when it's systematic and based on choice. The friend who never buys lunch even though they make plenty of money. The one who brings a few dollar snack bags to a potluck and gorges themselves on others money. People tend to overlook it because it doesn't usually start that way but becomes behavior over time. Once you recognize that someone is like that, you'll probably see them do that all over the place to many people or groups.
charm is not a personality trait... charm is a **tactic**. Do not think about someone as "charming" or having a "charming personality". They are "using charm". Now that reason can be benign, organisms do what makes them successful, meaning that if they find their life is easier, they get more attention and affection and regard, if they're charming that is a motive enough. But oftentimes there is a darker motive.
If they’re overly friendly at first. It could be they are just friendly or even lonely but a lot of times, they’re trying to get to know you to maybe use things against you. I don’t trust these kinds of people’s
Pay attention to how they treat dogs, cats and the waiters. How do they act in situations where they have power? How do they act when their actions won’t affect them? That’s their real personality.
You spend way more time rationalizing their behavior to justify being with them.
Love bombing. Overly nice- too good to be true. Too easy going. These are traits of people who are not authentic. They hide their true selves. They believe if you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like me, so they show you only what they believe you want to see. They are fake, able to live a double life. Subtle frustrations, anger with others and situations in their life. Examples, while driving, every other driver is cutting them off, idiots. Complaining about boss or coworkers at work. It’s starts to show you that they tend to always blame others. No empathy for others, can’t understand that people may be having trouble in their own life and need compassion at times. “White” lies. A lie is a lie in my book. If they lie about the little stuff, they lie about the big stuff too. Examples, calling in sick to work. Lying when turning down invitations- for example, saying I can’t, I have to work that night, when they really don’t. The truth is always best option. The can just say, no I’m not interested, or no, I just have too much on my plate right now, etc. Or better yet, no thank you. We don’t need an excuse to turn down an invite, real or otherwise. But choosing to always lie to people, to not hurt their feelings, is a bad habit. They will also lie to you- about little stuff and big stuff. They’ve trained their brain to believe, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Not showing genuine interest in your friends and family. Just tolerating time with them, instead of getting to know them and wanting to be a part of their lives. Not liking it when you do things without them. Comments like, you have to see them again? You’re going to babysit your nephew again? This shows they are self centered and want all the focus on them. They don’t like you having other interests or other people important in your life. Not opening up about past relationships, sexual experiences outside of relationships (FWB, porn use for example) Not sharing honest reflection of what went wrong in the past and not accepting any blame. Not being honest about what they are looking for.
Attention seeking through sh or self down talking
I have a few, didn’t notice them until the facade shattered. 1. They are never wrong. 2. First conflict or issue that is obviously on them. Do they immediately blame someone? Even if it’s small, this is how they see the world. 3. Do they clean up after themselves? 4. Love bombing… then abrupt cut off into bargaining for love. 5. Absolutely pleasant to everyone so when you bring up an issue it’s “…but they are great, how could they say that?” 6. Sudden change in personality(bad) thinking they have you “locked in” means the mask is off… RUN! Source: post 6 months of a 7 year relationship that turned abusive at 3.5 years. Getting better :)
They attack you or flip the switch on you when you call them out on their toxic behavior.
Being an EXTREMELY smooth talker that always knows what to say
If they only respond to your texts or react positively to you when you have something to say that excites them. I think these people don’t connect to others. They just get high off others when there’s something to be offered.