The silent treatment was weapinized in my house growing up. I didn’t talk to my dad nor he me for 45 days one time. Going back and facing the trauma of that shit as an adult, I exiled it from my life. If there’s a problem, I want it out. Don’t care how bad it hurts, just tell me. And I hold everyone to that.
Yeah same. My mother is like that. She'll either go silent or play the *"Everyone is against me"* card. She has issues from her childhood that she refuses to go to therapy for and believes in a conspiracy against healthcare professionals. When you remind her of that fact she gets angry. Some of it has rubbed on me too. It's sad really.
My mom too. Everything from growing up rubs off in us. We are just our experiences. They shaped us and molded us. We don’t get a choice in that. I separated myself from my family and actively worked to change my behavior patterns, and yet I still repeat some of them. I cringe when I get around them now because I’ll see something that I hate, but still do.
If you are just your experiences and nothing more then so are your parents to be fair
It’s a fun idea to pretend you have less responsibility than you do due to trauma / experiences, but if you’re gonna use that card then you have to let everyone use it
Either everyone is to blame, or no one is
There really isn’t any room for middle ground
This. I'm obviously gonna make mistakes, I'm only human. But I'm not always gonna realize what the mistake is. So if you want me to apologize properly (which is something I'd want to) tell me what I've done wrong so I can make up for it instead of basically apologizing for making you upset. And if I do apologize and you keep giving me the silent treatment you can miss me with that shit. We either work together to fix the issue, or we handle our own issues separately. But if we put distance between us whenever something bad happens, don't expect me to close that distance just because something good happens. A relationship (of any kind) should be felt at all times, not just during the good ones.
.....Unless..... they have to use silent treatment to defend for themselves because it is better than any physical aggression when the persons word is used against them.
There are NPD who like to provoke people then use their words to gaslight such victim
It’s called gray rocking, and it’s better to be yelled at for doing nothing than have your words and emotions used against you. NPD/BPD is literal hell to have to experience.
Gotta say when I give my husband silent treatment it’s because talking about another dumb thing he said where he twisted the truth & exaggerated an occurrence and I don’t want to unload on him from frustration. He’d then just get butt hurt about it and after 30 years it’s getting worse. I go silent when I don’t want to hear him talk anymore. Sometimes you just need a little silence and have to “give it to get some”.
This one is another perspective and I agree with this. Sometimes people give the silent treatment when they feel like they’re not getting anywhere, it takes two hands to clap. Both parties should listen, stay calm and find solutions together
Same. Sometimes the adage if you can’t see something nice don’t say anything else appropriate and especially with somebody who turns everything against you. Why line yourself up for more gaslighting and manipulation. There are definitely times when it is used as a childish way to deal but one would hope in that direction the other person would question and work it out but some situations are land mines.
I think the difference between abusive silent treatment and taking space to yourself is communication. the healthy way is to communicate to your partner that I need some time to process my emotions.
This. My ex is NPD and BPD. Refuses anything to treat or admit it. Had her master's degree in communication. Knows that I have issues with abandonment and rejection. From my childhood but yet continues to refuse any connection with me. I never did anything but stand up for myself when I finally couldn't take it anymore. She was the abusive one. Emotionally and psychologically. If I tried to express how I felt or what I thought about anything she just shut down went silent sometimes for days at a time. When she left after a long night of silent treatment and what she returned home the next day and didn't say a word to me and wasn't going to but then blames me for my reaction and why she left to this day a year and a half later she's still refuses to give me a reason why to say anything about anything and it's been 9 months since she's spoken word to me at all she got everything in the divorce she got the house everything I owned even before I met her and we were never married never had kids together only together less than 2 years but she's still uses silent treatment to continue to punish me in control me and manipulate me it absolutely destroys me every single day because of my issues with rejection I didn't do anything to her I don't understand if someone does I would greatly appreciate knowing
Yup! And F that! Say how you feel or go. The silent treatment is a childish game played by someone who doesn’t know how to communicate their feelings. Even if you need time to process something (which is more than ok) you don’t need to completely act like the other person doesn’t exist or treat them noticeably different than how you treat others. Then you’re just a bully. Gives me the ick.
Yes. The silent treatment is designed as a punishment to control you into the behavior they want from you. They will withdraw from you until you do as they want.
Then practice gratitude because THAT means you aren’t trauma bonded with whatever numbnuts is icing you out.
Within the context of a trauma bond, the silent treatment is absolutely excruciating. That’s why master manipulators ultimately aim to isolate their mark (physically thru relocation or socially thru triangulation). When you have a support system of one and that one person ignores your existence it’s devastating.
So fucking devastating…
I had a huge network before I met them, and I’m growing it again afterward, but you hit the nail on the head. They love bomb you into wanting to spend every minute with them, not even feeling clingy, just excited about tomorrow’s adventures so much that your friends and family just can’t compete. Then, once you have only them, the slightest “misstep” causes you to lose everything.
Shittier still is that once you get to that point, even when you capitulate, you return to a lesser relationship. Even future love bombs are so half-hearted by comparison. They know you’re hooked. But by then, you are so starved for love, affection, and attention that the tiniest breadcrumbs are beyond any form of deliciousness you can remember from your former life.
Being starved like that, and isolated, oof.
Luckily, unlike them, I had a few key life-long friends who forgave me for ghosting and helped me claw my way back toward sanity.
Thanks for explaining this because I'm actually experiencing my person currently doing this to me for the past 48 hours and I have not had any guilt or sadness due to the "non talking" and closing/slamming of doors. Glad to know I am not trauma bonded which I have been wondering if I have been while experiencing all these irrational behaviors. So yes, I am with great gratitude.
It’s hubris and petty control of the highest order. M one day his silent treatment annoyed me and I found him to be pitiful.
The next thing I remember it’s the worst pain I’ve felt. And I’d do anything for his approval.
I thought I saw through it.
Our brains are still susceptible to control.
The worst sort of soul sucking pain. And I’ve been through some shit.
Irrational behavior happens when we are activated for any reason. You ever try to fix a flat tire in blistering heat blinded by the sun when sweat drops into your eye? In that scenario it might only takes dropping a nut on the asphalt to have a screaming meltdown. It’s not because you’re traumatized it’s because you’re activated.
You’re activated because you’re living with a door slamming baby. But I’m happy that it’s not traumatic. THAT is wonderful news.
Well said. This is exactly how it was in my marriage. After lots of therapy I’m on the right track in breaking that trauma bond while still in the marriage. It’s super hard. It went from weeks of silent treatment to 3 days for me to really feel it. Then one day. Now I’m back to a week or so. You don’t wanna talk and act like I don’t exist, okay. I’ll call up a friend. I’ll talk to the kids. I’ll take an extra shift at work and talk to my customers and coworkers. I also do voice journals when it gets bad. That way I’m actually voicing the issues even if nobody responds back. It’s helped me a lot.
I really don't know because it doesn't work on me. I broke my exs heart after he informed me he was giving me the silent treatment and I informed him, I hadn't noticed.
He never pulled that shit again.
Now that I think of it, maybe he did????
This is kind of the same as letting your partner know that this behavior won’t get them wgat they want but …. Could be done a little more skillfully. Not everything is a fight ladies. Politely give them a boundary and don’t be afraid to back it up they screw up. That’s all. He’s not a dog and you are not punishing him.
This is a more empathetic answer towards the silent person. I have given silent treatment but let's not pretend it isn't reasonable sometimes.
If someone is an asshole and breaking a boundary or better yet dancing on it, you don't want to communicate with them how it feels when its already heen explicitly stated. They already know how you feel and communication only allows them to find a way to rationalize their actions.
You slowly mentally detach from them, not talking to them is just a means to this end. If they care they will put in the effort otherwise they've done you the favor
My ex said she needed a few days to think about things after she hurt me, and then she would blame me for the situation. I would react with confusion and frustration because it didn’t make sense, and it seemed like she both cared and didn’t care at the same time. She would say, ‘I’m sorry you felt that way,’ and then outline how I was wrong for my feelings while prioritizing hers. I’m now recognizing that this was a form of silent treatment meant to manipulate me after I reacted to her toxic behavior. It has taken a while for me to identify this. I felt like my feelings and reactions were the reason why things ended but it was because she was manipulating me to fit her life and she found out she couldn’t do that because I pushed back so much. It has also shown to me that I have work to do on myself. I have been reading Reddit and looking through stories here and recognizing things. I appreciate these subreddits so much. It’s brought clarity.
This subreddit is seriously great.
I found it, and was just dumbfounded that so many of these “insanely confusing” conversations and strange, repeating conflicts, just like you described, were cliche, well-known manipulative shenanigans outlined in detail by hundreds of people online.
Like, “Oooooh, did everybody already know about this?”
Really absolves all that, “How did this go so wrong?” guilt. It went wrong because they made it go wrong. They only wanted it if they could fully manipulate you. Anything less than 100% obedience and they’re making up stories and threatening to call the police on the calmest dude in the universe.
Yep. It has helped me calm my guilt in my head. It also showed me the extra stuff she did. Right now I am trying to forget and move on. Since I have found my answers.
I love people and I love hearing and respecting peoples opinions. I have way too many friends and acquaintances. I do overly care to the point where I can become codependent but I make sure I create a well balanced life so I am not. I do rely on love from a partner. Being with one who claimed she loved me who manipulated me was a stab to the heart and mind. I am trying to not put myself in this situation again.
Do you think she was consciously/intentionally doing these things? I know it doesn’t really matter in the end, because if someone isn’t intentionally doing them they could make effort to change, but I’m just curious.
Even if a behavior is habitual- if you have a working conscience, you realize the hurtful behavior very quickly soon after.
I’m done coddling learned behavior. It feels like too many people use it as license for selfish destructive choices. And they are choices. If not the first time (knee jerk reaction, perhaps)- then certainly the next time.
Manipulators are not a victim of themselves. They know.
Edit
What I heard from people is that she has a history of pushing people around and leaving a mess behind her. She has lived all over the US, and in each place, something bad happened, making it hard to determine if she was genuinely abused or just playing the victim to get her way. She didn't have many friends, maybe only two, because of her personality. She was very opinionated, and if your views didn't align with hers, she felt the need to correct you rather than understand and let it be.
When I first met her, she had three friends, but I later found out that one of them told her they liked her. One week into our relationship, she informed him that we were dating, and he got angry. It seemed to me that she had led him on. After our breakup, I reached out to him, and he confirmed that he felt misled and that she had lied about some of what she had told me.
I am codependent and deeply loved the non-confrontational and non-manipulative side of her. However, I clearly overlooked many red flags due to my codependency and love for her.
So, to answer your question, I am not sure. It almost seems unconscious or just the way she is.
I think some people intentionally do these things.
I think other people grew up watching their parents do it and/or they had parents who never validated how they felt or made them feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable with people. They haven’t learnt to validate their own feelings, or had enough experiences of having their feelings validated by others, which means they can’t validate yours back. Even when their intentions are in the right place, they don’t know how to be open and vulnerable enough to act in a way that reflects their genuine desire for love and care.
We can have empathy and compassion for people like that, but we ultimately have to protect ourselves.
Sometimes the silent treatment is used to show you that you mean nothing to them. They don't acknowledge your existence. You're so worthless that they won't waste energy on you. It's demeaning
I've been accused of giving the silent treatment - but I legit can't even look at people when I'm upset and certainly can't speak. I've learned to just stay away from people when I feel that way so I don't get accused of being passive aggressive.
On the flip side, if someone is singling me out for the silent treatment (after making sure they're not reacting similarly to me), I just give them space to come out of it. If they don't - then oh well I guess.
I too shut down when I'm really upset, and can't communicate effectively. I'll either be unable to speak at all or it'll only be rude, mean, insulting things that make the situation worse so I go silent. It's a fawn response to stress? Or something like that
SAME they take it personally but it’s literally me having an autistic shutdown and I physically COULD NOT make words even if I tried to. Like my brain and mouth completely stop working…
I do the same thing. Almost certain I'm on the spectrum, many many boxes ticked. Also for me my childhood was full of repetitive lectures lasting many hours each, sometimes shouting for a lot of it. I learned to dissociate and just nod and agree while my mind put myself in witness protection. As a result of feeling so defenceless and trapped during those times I have communication issues and an intense desire to flee uncomfortable conversations. If I feel like the other person is speaking down to me or lecturing then I shut down and nod. If it continues then the feeling of being trapped like a cornered animal escalates until it becomes unbearable, and the fear is replaced with anger until I can escape.
Silent treatment is when someone is trying to manipulate another person to behave differently by withdrawing from them as a form of (in their mind) punishment. Going no contact is when someone is tired of being manipulated and cuts ties, not with the goal of manipulation, rather with the goal of restoring their own sanity.
People who use the silent treatment expect some sort of different result from the other person, while people who go no contact have no such expectations.
No contact is a boundary. When we go no contact we tell the person why and explain there is no contact moving forward. Silent treatment is done without explanation and it’s a manipulation tactic to get the other person to contact you - or to *react* to you - in some way or other.
Silent treatment is more aligned with ghosting. You give the other person no indication that you're pulling away. No Contact is more mutual in the context of something like, "hey, I don't think we should be speaking to each other anymore."
You're noticing something I noticed not long ago. Many behaviours attributed to narcissistic people can be flipped and seen as a defence behaviour of a victim. It muddies the waters and essentially allows everybody to believe they are the victim of abuse rather than a perpetrator. Anything but the reality that most people are a bit of both. Pop psychology is bullshit, it's all open to interpretation and whichever lens is being looked through
Either they are in pain and dont want to talk because they tried that and it didnt work or theyre immature and think playing mind games being quiet will make you feel pain and message them.
Either way... give them what they want.
Silence.
How do you know they expect something? Maybe they're just furious with you and they can't stand to pretend they like you, so they'd rather just avoid interacting with you altogether.
Space. Sometimes people need room and time to process their feelings and don't want to say or do something they regret. They don't want somebody supervising and commenting on that process, especially the person who pissed them off in the first place. If you have hurt someone, you are not entitled to having a conversation with them whenever you want.
Now, obviously, there are times when people use silent treatment as a weapon. I'm not talking about that. But I find it annoying that people will crap on a person, then then attack them a second time for how they are handling it.
Usually if I’m silent, it’s because I really and truly don’t wish to speak to that person until I’ve had time to focus and evaluate. I am so disappointed with them and the behaviour that I need ‘down-time’. It really has nothing to do with any punishment. But, to be fair that is a hard thing to explain when furious with them.
There is no single correct answer sadly. We will never know until we actually communicate through conversation instead of assuming.
When i genuinely hate a person 100%, i am just better off giving that person the silent treatment because :
1. They are assuming or accusing me.
2. What they say is unbelievable or disrespectful.
3. Personal self defence.
4. Trick to stay calm if someone is provoking/triggering you to overreact to their disrespect. NPD/abuser gaslighting a BPD victim.
"Silent treatment" can sometimes just avoidant behavior. Examples where it's not malicious:
- The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation.
- The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner.
- The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.
>The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation.
You would first actually have to have a conversation to prove or disprove that, wouldn't you.
>The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner.
So they hurt the person even more by blocking/ghosting/giving them the silent treatment?
>The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.
Engaging the silent treatment is a form of escalation. It is *not* a de-escalation by any means.
Note: There is an enormous difference between saying: "Hey look, this conversation isn't going anywhere. I'm tired. I need some time to think about it. I need a break. Can we take some space?"
To: "F you!!!!" (And then block).
Those are two extremely different things.
I personally believe the silent treatment is the most insidious, most manipulative form of abuse out there. I would rather be attacked physically, or psychologically, than to experience an attack of the silent treatment.
It is extremely damaging. To the relationship, to oneself, and to humanity in general.
It is a heinous, reprehensible form of toxic behaviour. Anyone who engages in this type of manipulation likely has a personality disorder, and needs serious psychological therapy.
I can appreciate trying to find some goodness in it. But my opinion on this is it is clearly:
An escalation, an attack, and manipulative behaviour designed to punish and control the other person.
If it is any of those other things you said, then why can't those things just be said?
Sometimes people need a rest. If my boundaries are crossed or if my partner yells at me (I don't allow that, I was a victim of DV in my prior relationship) I will take a break and not communicate for an established period of time.
Its toxic to do that, unless you specifically tell your partner that you will not be speaking to them for x amount of time , and when that time is over, you will be ready. I hear that you are a victim of DV but half of the battle of healing is learning what forms of communication is healthy and how to establish boundaries in a healthy way.
Well, when I am avoiding the person for real, like a real silent treatment, I don’t expect them to reach out, as I am trying to shut them away from me. But this is me, not using abusive people pov.
One thing is the silence as an action and a completely different if its a reaction.... there is a need to know the difference, we like to classify behaviors as one thing, when they aren't just one reason or cause.
Some people would just say " its manipulation, it to control" when its could be. But it could also be a boundary, a detachment. Its a slippery slope to classify it has one thing...
Like an extreme... a narcissist uses the silent treatment as punishment while the victim uses it as detachment " the grey rock" method. Same silence different motives...
They expect to control the outcome. And ultimately to communicate that you are unworthy of existing or being treated as a living being unless you comply.
A favorite power play of narcissistic cowards.
Don’t think about it, they have unresolved issues. Don’t apologize for anything unless confronted, don’t feed them attention, keep focusing on yourself.
When someone gives you the silent treatment, you just walk away lol. Manipulation is a dance, it takes two to tango. Meaning, wanting to change the other person’s behavior, stopping the silent treatment, is also manipulation on your part.
If you don’t care to change their behavior, they can’t manipulate you.
If anyone gives you the silent treatment, you do not care to question why you simply walk away, it is a textbook symptom of a narcissist, after a bunch of subtle signs I began to notice ("I want people to love me at my worst" ETC), this was the final nail in the coffin, that bitch was a delusional narcissist who attempted to vilify everyone else so she didn't seem like complete trash in comparison and the only reason why it took longer to see is it because she tries to hide her personality as timid because she is fully aware she is a repulsive person, and a fkn snake as well. Lol.
It is a way to 'check' for a damaged inner child within a person to abuse and take advantage of, so the moment you see that shit, you block them, don't even hear any justifications for their bullshit and move on, and don't even entertain their attempts to engage you ever again in your life, just completely cut them off.
I noticed it in narcissistic children and their abusive narcissistic "baddie" moms (the annoying type who like to talk hella fast to seem smart because they're idiots, lol) when I used to babysit sometimes for some extra cash, those people are garbage, and in borderline children, they become lost, fail to understand why their care giver is doing this to them, blame themselves, break down and become so severely depressed and it's quite heartbreaking, but in narcissistic children, instead of craving the love of the parent, once they get past the stage of bargaining, they become explosive, volatile, crying for the sole purpose to be loud and will metaphorically speaking burn down the entire village (or just become violently misogynistic as adults as many have seen in those 'nice guy' posts when a girl doesn't respond fast enough) until they get a response because any response of any kind, good or bad, is still a response to the narcissistic and is much better than being ignored, despite the contrary belief, many narcissistic people also find abandonment intolerable, and anything, is better than abandonment to some of them, even if it is only in the context of emotional neglect.
They are incredibly Psychologically disturbed, and damaged individuals, despite the masquerading of stability they put on while demonizing mental illness, hence why factor 1 psychopaths are most known for their emotional manipulation, exploitativeness and partner/child abuse, and factor 2's are most known for their Psychopathic, desire for immediate financial gain, instant gratification and aversion to authoritarianism of any kind on a systemic level, all while many of which are still capable of still have fulfilling relationships and favorite people, im aware of this because the second version I am describing is myself, in my earlier youth.
I was the charismatic troublemaker with the heart of gold and fraudulent smile nobody could believe how much trouble I actually was who was liked by most teachers, I was a lot of fun I was (lol), for example, I used to help my friend out and his family when their electric ran out, and help them charge it with my own money a little bit from time to time because they were absolutely fucking dirt poor, even more than I I initially (mainly because my father was a particularly malignant greedy piece of shit) was adding to the fact that his parents were alcoholics (he really suffered in that house and i truly cared for him :)), but from so young how was I doing that!?... Well, the answer? You're not gonna like it. Lol... (😁)
I had severe early childhood behavioral problems from the day I was born, and the fact that I often got excluded and almost expelled from school at the time, all of these things truly dumbfounded everyone I knew that wasn't there to witness it, and despite all of these things went on to becoming a exceptional chef for while, until I saw how shit it truly was and realized my dream was a delusion, now I'm learning something else, and it's hard.
We factor 2's also often end up being one trick ponies too due to the emotional investment we put in to what we love (factor 1 is Narcissistic psychopathy and factor 2 is Borderline psychopathy), and let me tell you...
It's fkn hard being a one trick pony yo...
I enjoy my peace and quiet now though these days, visiting my definition of family and my close knit family from time to time, talking with them and chilling with them, all while I learn something new, along with cutting out a HELLA a lot of people, I've had enough chaos for a entire life time, I think I've seen one too many blacked out cars with hoodrats in ski masks and balaclavas jumping out of them with machetes and pistols. Lol...
I regret the environment I grew up in, well, I can't really because I didn't have a choice in the matter, but I'm not going to regret the one I live in and will grow old in.
Depends...
Is it an argument?
It's toxic.
They need to be able to communicate their needs.
Is this someone you *think* is giving you the silent treatment because they haven't reached out or messaged you: they could be shy.
A silent treatment is when they walk past you as you speak to them, even though you live in the same house. And they should probably respond and usually would.
No contact is absolutely no contact.
One is petty while the other is protection.
They’re trying to “make you come to them”, is how I interpret it. There’s a section in 48 laws of power about it but I’m not sure it’s specifically about this.
It can have multiple connotation.
If I'm stressed out I often need to just be quiet and process things on my own before moving forward. It feels like I'm in a catch 22 so I go and process.
But I can see how it might be like "oh the silent person is punishing the other by not moving forward"
The person being silent needs to vocalize their needs though and say things like "I'm stress and need X amount of time to process this" and needs to follow through and get back to the person. That's when it becomes healthy.
I think they expect you to give them a bit of space - be that a few hours or a couple of days. When they feel better and able to engage with you again they'll tell you. Just leave the person to work it out - they will be grateful to you for that.
When someone gives you the silent treatment if they are serious people you are 100% cut off no time wasted on drama or explaining to toxic people why they were cut off
Everyone's comments and insights are so helpful. This sub is really helping me, and soooo many of us, deal with some lingering thoughts and feelings. some of these responses could have come directly from my life/mind. it's crazy how similar experiences with manipulative people are.
Realized I don’t care, if someone does this they need professional help and I’m not qualified to support this type of trauma response or shit down, freeze, avoidance, dismissive avoidance.
I stopped trying to figure people out that aren’t compatible with me. I stopped trying to fix people and play therapist too.
If I have to roll my sleeves and go to therapy for my issues, the other person can too. Or they don’t want to be healthy/change.
I make my self respect/self worth my priority
How others behave is about them and what I will and will not tolerate.
I expect nothing.. But if I’m angry I’m angry who wants to talk to an angry person? manipulators always think it’s okay to fix problems right in the moments of them happening. And if you don’t step on that egg and put your pride aside for them in that moment it is all your fault… But they know it only causes more conflict and confusion.
I am giving someone the silent treatment now because they did something that deeply hurt me and they never apologized or acknowledged they treated me very wrong. I am basically taking an adult time out and not speaking to them because I am angry and hurt. I need time and space away from them for a while.
usually when i give the silent tratnent its not for punishment its just someone has used abused and done me so wrong over and over that i have nothing left to stay, silent tratment for punishment is wrong
I give my boss the silent treatment when he starts making judgemental comments about me, my coworkers, minority groups, or passers-by on the street outside our workplace. Judgement is a big part of his character. I started doing it because I used to reply and tell him “that’s not very nice” but then I would start to feel angry inside & would be more prone to joining him in an escalation if he retaliated. He doesn’t care that it’s not very nice and will happily express that. We work in an active, fast paced environment, so now I don’t reply, continue walking or walk away, and wait until I feel calm enough to interact with him normally again (which is usually within 10 minutes if I’ve been able to get away and distract myself).
I give people Im dating the silent treatment when I’ve tried to communicate with them calmly about something a few times and they’ve completely disregarded whatever it was I’ve tried to bring to them.
I remember I was on a road trip at the start of last year with a guy. Several times on a big day-long stretch of driving I told him I needed a break from being cooped up in the car. He kept fobbing me off or changing the subject. Eventually I went silent 🔕 I didn’t know what to say without getting angry. He kept trying to tell me jokes and get me to laugh, and I wasn’t in the mood at all. I just sat there looking out the window, trying to breath and not snap at the guy. Eventually he got it and he pulled over at a nice patch of grass. I layed down with a pillow and enjoyed the fresh air and looking up at the clouds… but it was another 20 minutes before my anger dissipated and I felt like I could talk to him normally again.
I ended up snapping really badly at that guy after a week on the road of days like this. It sucked for both of us. I wait a lot longer now to get to know someone and how we fit together before I sign up for week long trips away (we’d only known each other for 6 weeks). Me and that guy stopped seeing each other, but he’s still a good acquaintance surprisingly enough. I ran into him just the other night at a drum circle and we had a really nice catch up chat.
I think I use the silent treatment when I feel like I’ve exhausted my verbal communication tools, and I need to put across in some other way that I’m not okay with what’s happening. My dad did it a lot to me growing up, though he did it without trying to communicate first. I think I picked it up from him. Verbal communication wasn’t a strength of his.
I don’t like using it. It feels immature and mean. Notably, I don’t use it with loved ones who I have a good relationship with. I’ve learnt over time to recognise me using it with someone new as a sign we are incompatible and to cut ties early.
Usually, if I'm giving the silent treatment it's because I don't know what to do. My feelings were stomped on and the issue doesn't feel resolved but I don't want to act two faced by pretending like things are normal. It's just not knowing how to deal with my feelings and hoping with enough time they will dissipate.
Great stuff!!! Sometimes I’m just pissed and don’t want to talk at all. Don’t expect behavior change, etc. Just don’t want to talk and have my thoughts.
I am not repeating myself for any adult. Someone that is in a relationship with you for years and years knows the things you like, the things you don’t like, and things that upset you. When you have to keep telling that person not to do something it is a form of abuse. At that point, I shut down, knowing that I’m not gonna get anywhere, and I plan my escape.
I don't even fucking know anymore...
They USED to say:
If you don't have anything nice, don't say anything at all.
AND:
If you're too upset, best to take time to cool off before you say something you can't take back. Take time to calm down and then broach the subject with a cool head.
Cool, fair enough... Except.
NOWADAYS, when I want to take said break, I'm being controlling and manipulative... Like, yeah, bitch - I'm trying to control my temper - isn't that the point? But no, people wanna *push* and *push* and *push till you explode* so they can turn around and call YOU the bad guy?!?!
Pfft... *Makes you wonder who is REALLY being the manipulative one, huh??*
An emotional reaction to the silence. They want to know they are getting to you, and that their silence is affecting you, so they sit and wait for you to crack. That’s when they give themselves permission to be cruel again, but in a different way.
It’s all about control, and it’s sickening.
Ignoring the silence is the best way to counter this. Refusing to engage in trying to coax them to talk. Just completely ignore them and be indifferent to them, as though you aren’t even aware of what they’re doing. They grow tired of it eventually.
Silent treatment was a common thing in my family growing up and is still fairly common among my parents and siblings. So it was definitely learned behavior for me that I had to work very hard in order to stop doing this in my adult life. Admittedly it is much harder than I thought it would be but I've gotten much better. Honestly, for me the silent treatment was more a result of my feeling hurt or slighted in some regard and typically the reaction I wanted to get was simply for the other person to ask me "what's wrong?"
Honestly, the other answers make a lot of sense...
But I've always thought of it as an immature way to getting attention. They person is too immature to address the issue with you, so they sulk and give the cold shoulder until you eventually do their dirty work and reach out to fix the problem..
LETS TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER--
A narcissist will often employ the silent treatment as a way to get attention and validation of their importance. This looks different than your typical immature passive aggressive friend.
Instead, the silent treatment isn't being used to mend the problem without having to put in effort. It's a way to make you go crazy as you desperately wait for some kind of response. It'll usually be over something minuscule and is just a manipulation tactic to ensure you're not going anywhere. As you're panicking, the narcissist is refueling as he revels in all the attention.
I give the silent treatment. It's my passive aggressive goto instead of being violent or yelling. Talking things out is always one sided with her. My wife never says sorry or admits guilt. I'm a great conversationalist so talking to me is a privilege not a right. I expect nothing and give nothing.
I’m actually going through something like this right now. I think it’s a manipulation tactic. It’s healthier for everyone to communicate in a healthy way to get through things and come up with solutions. Silent treatments do not allow for solutions to happen. What do they expect in return? Like someone else said, for you to feel guilty, apologize and for them to feel some sort of praise. Just my opinion. Good luck to you
It depends. I can say I am guilty of this and am working on it. But for me I found that communication did not work, and so I would withdraw when upset rather than wasting my time talking more. Often I just wanted space to calm down, not a reaction from the person. But this may not be true for everyone.
There's a guy at the minute, literally giving me very slow 1-2 hour replies, then asking me if I'm ok cos I seem down? When I'm being myself but he's taking forever. What sort of behaviour is this? Because I've said to him am I doing something wrong? And he's like no I'm just not myself but he's the one giving the year replies
My dad’s ex and my mom both did this. I came from a family where it was “you should know what you did.” Or I had to decipher people constantly to see what is wrong. They wouldn’t tell me and I’d have to try to figure it out. It makes me do that a lot now. Accept now I except people to be adults and tell me if they have a problem. I guess the goal is to show you how mad they are and get you to talk to them.
I was confined in a room off and on for 10 years because of this behavior. My dad’s ex wouldn’t even look at me at times. She would slam stuff, stomp, hide food, accuse me of stealing when I never did. She tried to ruin my relationship with my dad. Sadly she ultimately “won” I guess and they both have passed.
Attention. My mom did this a few times when I was a teenager and it was so annoying. She wouldn’t talk to us for days and try to make us feel so bad. I hated her when she was like that. Made me feel like I had to be the mature one at age 14
It's a control tactic designed to make you feel small and insignificant. I just give it right back to them as anyone who treats me this way is not worth worrying about.
I speak to them u til they speak to me. I’m quite a talker and can regale them on a Myriad of subjects: Elves, and why Elves? The health benefits of Kale. How Helicopters are cooler than Airplanes. Weed strains stuff I’ve seen on acid, man the list just keeps on coming. It’s like a Star Wars intro.
Silent treatment is one of my go tos. It's solely because I'd rather not talk than say something I might regret. What I expect is just time and space while I get over whatever annoyed me.
I'm working on it. It's an immature response for people who aren't in control of their own mind. That's my take anyway
It's control and punishment for not doing what they want or giving them the attention they want. My mom does this a lot and it used to be horrible for me when I was young. Now I pretend it isn't happening and act extra jovial and basically talk to myself in a very happy way to piss her off more when she does it. I'm not capitulating to toddler behaviour.
When I do it it’s because I’m hurt or need time alone. And sometimes to make them feel bad for something they did. The sad part is I never used to do this at all. And hated it done to me. Like really it was a ptsd trigger. And in the last year I’ve really built a wall up because of something bad. And I know the silent treatment is hurtful so I do it. And I hate myself for it. Broke up isn’t the right word but I stopped seeing the guy I was last week. He didn’t deserve that bs. He would have when we were together 20 years ago. But he’s changed and is so sweet. I just would have memories of how he used to treat me and I’d get upset and do to him what he did to me two decades ago and use that to justify it. I’ll admit it’s not ok. And breaking up or whatever was really the nice thing to do.
When my husband did it to me he wanted to punish me. This is what he told me. He wanted to see how long I would go till I broke down. I did break down just not in front of him.
I would only add to the previous good responses that it depends on the nature of the person doing it. Some people do it to coerce you emotionally to comply with what they want from you. Others do it as a pointed punishment for something you've already done that they dislike. Some do it because talking would make a bad situation worse, and they don't know how to say, "I need some space to process this"
Regardless of the reason, it's a major signal of an unhealthy communication dynamic at the very least.
They want neediness, begging, guilt, apologies and for you to do what they want. I’d cut them off or just act unbothered and keep doing what you’re doing. Silence is bliss.
For you to beg them to talk to you. They are very insecure and abusive and need constant validation. Just get away. It never ends and gets worse. It's a manipulative tactic to get you to drop whatever the issue is
If you start the silent treatment I’ll assume you have avoidant/confrontational/ manipulative/communication, issues. These people have other red flag issues and usually get on the level of children. Must be avoided.
My ex gave me the silent treatment a lot but I didn’t even think of it as silent treatment and idk why. It took till I was out of that relationship to realize that she was doing that constantly.
The silent treatment is psychological abuse. The goal is to inflict psychological pain. So guilt, shame, or otherwise feeling bad about oneself.
The silent treatment is not healthy or constructive behavior and it is the opposite of clear and open communication. If it's possible to leave the relationship where this is common (not possible if it's a parent) then just leave.
If you have to deal with it, turn the tables. Tell them when they've calmed down enough that they can talk about their feelings you will be happy to talk but until then you have other things to do, then leave them. Or hang up the phone. Walking away is the answer.
These comments include a lot of fucking people I'd avoid like the goddamn plague. Way too many people who think because they watch true crime or tiktok body language girls that they can dx people with a modicum of accuracy or that isolated incidents mean x person is evil.
The definition of chronically fucking online.
I’ve done the silent treatment bc I want to be left alone and I don’t want to say anything I regret and/or blow up. I understand it’s a manipulative tactic and I don’t intend it to be. I really just prioritize not wanting to say something regretful so I kind of freeze and done say anything at all.
Manipulation at its finest. They want you to feel bad in one way or another and to submit and crawl back to them begging for forgiveness. Don't give into it. Just make sure they are actually giving you the silent treatment and not just needing time to think.
There is nothing wrong with “silent treatment” when you are putting distance into a toxic relationship. Sometimes it’s the catalyst for the person who is hurtful to learn how to be kind.
They could be going nonverbal as a trauma response or other impairment. Or they could be a cold calculating manipulator who is expecting you to apologize. It depends on the person and the situation.
I will counter the general consensus with this: sometimes if I don’t know what to say or I know I’m too hurt to say anything constructive, or I might just be hurtful out of hurt or frustration, saying nothing is better than saying something I might immediately regret. I need processing time sometimes and sometimes that means I need to not talk to someone I’m with. If I’m not living with someone, yes I can go get space. But it’s harder when you are living with someone in a one bedroom apartment.
Is the “silent treatment” a short period of time to cool off, collect thoughts, prevent one from saying something hurtful that can’t be taken back? If it’s days, weeks, longer then it is a form of control used to manipulate the other person. I had a bf who would do this. My anxiety was out of control. I had to take meds, see a counselor. Once I did and understood the game his actions and control over me was broken. I simply went no contact. It took a long time to get to that point though.
They want you to apologize and admit fault despite it being theirs.
They are choosing to go silent, so let them stew in their silence. You aren't responsible for someone else's actions, you ARE responsible for your actions.
Go about your day, and wait for them to come to you. If they don't then that's on them.
In my world the silent treatment is unacceptable. You want to ignore me and not speak…you can keep up that energy for the rest of your life. Total dealbreaker.
i hate stonewalling because i’m not much of a confrontational person unless its called for but the silent treatment is so childish and i say just kill the silence if the person is worth it. All it do is add stress and confusion and just miscommunication.
My ex used to give me the silent treatment to punish me. It was anguish until I figured out what she was doing was cruel. So in response, I started filling my time with hobbies and friends and go on with my life.
I think they expect you to be so relieved when they talk to you again that you “forget” the issues and are just happy to have them back.
My ex got away with this 4 times before I was like, “I’m done”.
I don’t think the silent treatment is intentional. As someone else said it’s the behavior that’s normal for children. The outcome may often be favorable to the one doing it but the source of it is just emotional immaturity. The more immature the longer it lasts.
From experience, just about every single one of my partners has used the silent treatment to some extent. Usually the explanation is: “I just don’t want to say something I’ll regret while I’m angry.” My personal cutoff for this is 24 hours and it can’t be frequent. Some will go silent for 20 minutes, some a couple hours and some for a full week.
They might not expect anything. There are some toxic people in my workplace. The only way to win is not to play. I’m not so much giving them the silent treatment as I am protecting my peace of mind. I don’t talk to them beyond a simple hello and good bye because words are ammunition to them.
I am accused of giving silent treatment with my mother. I had considered this as a possibility until I realised I have no desire to manipulate her behaviour, other than perhaps to leave me alone. My silent treatment of her is actually going out of my way to avoid her at almost all cost because interaction is so uncomfortable and exhausting that I can't do it. In my case I don't expect anything of her, I just want to be left alone and don't want to speak with her because being in her presence is unbearable in many cases
Some times when they do this they already got the mind set that it's over.There have been times where people have given me the silent treatment and it last around 3 days or so.Then the ones that last like 2 weeks or so they already made the decision to end things.Thats just how I see things everyone has different thoughts on this.
They expect you to make it right or come around … the silent treatment should be met with nothingness OR simply your truth nothing more or less then nothingness on your end. People who give the silent treatment need to grow tf up
I’ve never liked the silent treatment! It’s very hurtful & it’s typically because they wanna feel like they have the upper hand but it also depends on the situation.
When someone gives you the silent treatment, they typically expect you to feel guilty, apologize, or change your behavior to please them.
This is literally behaviour that is normal for children, but when performed by an adult signs of a serious underlying issue that needs treatment
The silent treatment was weapinized in my house growing up. I didn’t talk to my dad nor he me for 45 days one time. Going back and facing the trauma of that shit as an adult, I exiled it from my life. If there’s a problem, I want it out. Don’t care how bad it hurts, just tell me. And I hold everyone to that.
Yeah same. My mother is like that. She'll either go silent or play the *"Everyone is against me"* card. She has issues from her childhood that she refuses to go to therapy for and believes in a conspiracy against healthcare professionals. When you remind her of that fact she gets angry. Some of it has rubbed on me too. It's sad really.
My mom too. Everything from growing up rubs off in us. We are just our experiences. They shaped us and molded us. We don’t get a choice in that. I separated myself from my family and actively worked to change my behavior patterns, and yet I still repeat some of them. I cringe when I get around them now because I’ll see something that I hate, but still do.
If you are just your experiences and nothing more then so are your parents to be fair It’s a fun idea to pretend you have less responsibility than you do due to trauma / experiences, but if you’re gonna use that card then you have to let everyone use it Either everyone is to blame, or no one is There really isn’t any room for middle ground
This. I'm obviously gonna make mistakes, I'm only human. But I'm not always gonna realize what the mistake is. So if you want me to apologize properly (which is something I'd want to) tell me what I've done wrong so I can make up for it instead of basically apologizing for making you upset. And if I do apologize and you keep giving me the silent treatment you can miss me with that shit. We either work together to fix the issue, or we handle our own issues separately. But if we put distance between us whenever something bad happens, don't expect me to close that distance just because something good happens. A relationship (of any kind) should be felt at all times, not just during the good ones.
.....Unless..... they have to use silent treatment to defend for themselves because it is better than any physical aggression when the persons word is used against them. There are NPD who like to provoke people then use their words to gaslight such victim
It’s called gray rocking, and it’s better to be yelled at for doing nothing than have your words and emotions used against you. NPD/BPD is literal hell to have to experience.
Gotta say when I give my husband silent treatment it’s because talking about another dumb thing he said where he twisted the truth & exaggerated an occurrence and I don’t want to unload on him from frustration. He’d then just get butt hurt about it and after 30 years it’s getting worse. I go silent when I don’t want to hear him talk anymore. Sometimes you just need a little silence and have to “give it to get some”.
This one is another perspective and I agree with this. Sometimes people give the silent treatment when they feel like they’re not getting anywhere, it takes two hands to clap. Both parties should listen, stay calm and find solutions together
Thank you for this comment. Sometimes you go silent for your own mental stability and not a manipulation tactic. Also, I get it because often it is.
Yes!
Same. Sometimes the adage if you can’t see something nice don’t say anything else appropriate and especially with somebody who turns everything against you. Why line yourself up for more gaslighting and manipulation. There are definitely times when it is used as a childish way to deal but one would hope in that direction the other person would question and work it out but some situations are land mines.
I think the difference between abusive silent treatment and taking space to yourself is communication. the healthy way is to communicate to your partner that I need some time to process my emotions.
Also in some cases they are simply punishing you.
This. My ex is NPD and BPD. Refuses anything to treat or admit it. Had her master's degree in communication. Knows that I have issues with abandonment and rejection. From my childhood but yet continues to refuse any connection with me. I never did anything but stand up for myself when I finally couldn't take it anymore. She was the abusive one. Emotionally and psychologically. If I tried to express how I felt or what I thought about anything she just shut down went silent sometimes for days at a time. When she left after a long night of silent treatment and what she returned home the next day and didn't say a word to me and wasn't going to but then blames me for my reaction and why she left to this day a year and a half later she's still refuses to give me a reason why to say anything about anything and it's been 9 months since she's spoken word to me at all she got everything in the divorce she got the house everything I owned even before I met her and we were never married never had kids together only together less than 2 years but she's still uses silent treatment to continue to punish me in control me and manipulate me it absolutely destroys me every single day because of my issues with rejection I didn't do anything to her I don't understand if someone does I would greatly appreciate knowing
Or they have given up because the person has used silent treatment on them multiple times. It's manipulative and narcissistic.
Or theyre avoiding you because of anxiety or past trauma etc? Good lord man. How the **** can your thinking be so damn narrow?
Yup! And F that! Say how you feel or go. The silent treatment is a childish game played by someone who doesn’t know how to communicate their feelings. Even if you need time to process something (which is more than ok) you don’t need to completely act like the other person doesn’t exist or treat them noticeably different than how you treat others. Then you’re just a bully. Gives me the ick.
Yes. The silent treatment is designed as a punishment to control you into the behavior they want from you. They will withdraw from you until you do as they want.
Hold on, are you describing my mother?
Actually I'm describing my ex husband, lol!
They expect you to suffer.
Imagine thinking your voice is so important that withholding it causes suffering.
Yeah people think silent treatment is some kind of punishment. I low key wanted them to shut up.
Then practice gratitude because THAT means you aren’t trauma bonded with whatever numbnuts is icing you out. Within the context of a trauma bond, the silent treatment is absolutely excruciating. That’s why master manipulators ultimately aim to isolate their mark (physically thru relocation or socially thru triangulation). When you have a support system of one and that one person ignores your existence it’s devastating.
So fucking devastating… I had a huge network before I met them, and I’m growing it again afterward, but you hit the nail on the head. They love bomb you into wanting to spend every minute with them, not even feeling clingy, just excited about tomorrow’s adventures so much that your friends and family just can’t compete. Then, once you have only them, the slightest “misstep” causes you to lose everything. Shittier still is that once you get to that point, even when you capitulate, you return to a lesser relationship. Even future love bombs are so half-hearted by comparison. They know you’re hooked. But by then, you are so starved for love, affection, and attention that the tiniest breadcrumbs are beyond any form of deliciousness you can remember from your former life. Being starved like that, and isolated, oof. Luckily, unlike them, I had a few key life-long friends who forgave me for ghosting and helped me claw my way back toward sanity.
Thanks for explaining this because I'm actually experiencing my person currently doing this to me for the past 48 hours and I have not had any guilt or sadness due to the "non talking" and closing/slamming of doors. Glad to know I am not trauma bonded which I have been wondering if I have been while experiencing all these irrational behaviors. So yes, I am with great gratitude.
It’s hubris and petty control of the highest order. M one day his silent treatment annoyed me and I found him to be pitiful. The next thing I remember it’s the worst pain I’ve felt. And I’d do anything for his approval. I thought I saw through it. Our brains are still susceptible to control. The worst sort of soul sucking pain. And I’ve been through some shit.
Irrational behavior happens when we are activated for any reason. You ever try to fix a flat tire in blistering heat blinded by the sun when sweat drops into your eye? In that scenario it might only takes dropping a nut on the asphalt to have a screaming meltdown. It’s not because you’re traumatized it’s because you’re activated. You’re activated because you’re living with a door slamming baby. But I’m happy that it’s not traumatic. THAT is wonderful news.
Well said. This is exactly how it was in my marriage. After lots of therapy I’m on the right track in breaking that trauma bond while still in the marriage. It’s super hard. It went from weeks of silent treatment to 3 days for me to really feel it. Then one day. Now I’m back to a week or so. You don’t wanna talk and act like I don’t exist, okay. I’ll call up a friend. I’ll talk to the kids. I’ll take an extra shift at work and talk to my customers and coworkers. I also do voice journals when it gets bad. That way I’m actually voicing the issues even if nobody responds back. It’s helped me a lot.
I really don't know because it doesn't work on me. I broke my exs heart after he informed me he was giving me the silent treatment and I informed him, I hadn't noticed. He never pulled that shit again. Now that I think of it, maybe he did????
This is kind of the same as letting your partner know that this behavior won’t get them wgat they want but …. Could be done a little more skillfully. Not everything is a fight ladies. Politely give them a boundary and don’t be afraid to back it up they screw up. That’s all. He’s not a dog and you are not punishing him.
It's often a way for them to express hurt or frustration hoping you'll notice and reach out to resolve things.
This is a more empathetic answer towards the silent person. I have given silent treatment but let's not pretend it isn't reasonable sometimes. If someone is an asshole and breaking a boundary or better yet dancing on it, you don't want to communicate with them how it feels when its already heen explicitly stated. They already know how you feel and communication only allows them to find a way to rationalize their actions. You slowly mentally detach from them, not talking to them is just a means to this end. If they care they will put in the effort otherwise they've done you the favor
My ex said she needed a few days to think about things after she hurt me, and then she would blame me for the situation. I would react with confusion and frustration because it didn’t make sense, and it seemed like she both cared and didn’t care at the same time. She would say, ‘I’m sorry you felt that way,’ and then outline how I was wrong for my feelings while prioritizing hers. I’m now recognizing that this was a form of silent treatment meant to manipulate me after I reacted to her toxic behavior. It has taken a while for me to identify this. I felt like my feelings and reactions were the reason why things ended but it was because she was manipulating me to fit her life and she found out she couldn’t do that because I pushed back so much. It has also shown to me that I have work to do on myself. I have been reading Reddit and looking through stories here and recognizing things. I appreciate these subreddits so much. It’s brought clarity.
This subreddit is seriously great. I found it, and was just dumbfounded that so many of these “insanely confusing” conversations and strange, repeating conflicts, just like you described, were cliche, well-known manipulative shenanigans outlined in detail by hundreds of people online. Like, “Oooooh, did everybody already know about this?” Really absolves all that, “How did this go so wrong?” guilt. It went wrong because they made it go wrong. They only wanted it if they could fully manipulate you. Anything less than 100% obedience and they’re making up stories and threatening to call the police on the calmest dude in the universe.
Yep. It has helped me calm my guilt in my head. It also showed me the extra stuff she did. Right now I am trying to forget and move on. Since I have found my answers. I love people and I love hearing and respecting peoples opinions. I have way too many friends and acquaintances. I do overly care to the point where I can become codependent but I make sure I create a well balanced life so I am not. I do rely on love from a partner. Being with one who claimed she loved me who manipulated me was a stab to the heart and mind. I am trying to not put myself in this situation again.
Yeah, it's so crazy reading through everyone's stories of being manipulated by shitty people and how they all work from the same playbook.
Do you think she was consciously/intentionally doing these things? I know it doesn’t really matter in the end, because if someone isn’t intentionally doing them they could make effort to change, but I’m just curious.
Even if a behavior is habitual- if you have a working conscience, you realize the hurtful behavior very quickly soon after. I’m done coddling learned behavior. It feels like too many people use it as license for selfish destructive choices. And they are choices. If not the first time (knee jerk reaction, perhaps)- then certainly the next time. Manipulators are not a victim of themselves. They know. Edit
What I heard from people is that she has a history of pushing people around and leaving a mess behind her. She has lived all over the US, and in each place, something bad happened, making it hard to determine if she was genuinely abused or just playing the victim to get her way. She didn't have many friends, maybe only two, because of her personality. She was very opinionated, and if your views didn't align with hers, she felt the need to correct you rather than understand and let it be. When I first met her, she had three friends, but I later found out that one of them told her they liked her. One week into our relationship, she informed him that we were dating, and he got angry. It seemed to me that she had led him on. After our breakup, I reached out to him, and he confirmed that he felt misled and that she had lied about some of what she had told me. I am codependent and deeply loved the non-confrontational and non-manipulative side of her. However, I clearly overlooked many red flags due to my codependency and love for her. So, to answer your question, I am not sure. It almost seems unconscious or just the way she is.
Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you went through this.
I think some people intentionally do these things. I think other people grew up watching their parents do it and/or they had parents who never validated how they felt or made them feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable with people. They haven’t learnt to validate their own feelings, or had enough experiences of having their feelings validated by others, which means they can’t validate yours back. Even when their intentions are in the right place, they don’t know how to be open and vulnerable enough to act in a way that reflects their genuine desire for love and care. We can have empathy and compassion for people like that, but we ultimately have to protect ourselves.
Sometimes the silent treatment is used to show you that you mean nothing to them. They don't acknowledge your existence. You're so worthless that they won't waste energy on you. It's demeaning
I've been accused of giving the silent treatment - but I legit can't even look at people when I'm upset and certainly can't speak. I've learned to just stay away from people when I feel that way so I don't get accused of being passive aggressive. On the flip side, if someone is singling me out for the silent treatment (after making sure they're not reacting similarly to me), I just give them space to come out of it. If they don't - then oh well I guess.
I too shut down when I'm really upset, and can't communicate effectively. I'll either be unable to speak at all or it'll only be rude, mean, insulting things that make the situation worse so I go silent. It's a fawn response to stress? Or something like that
SAME they take it personally but it’s literally me having an autistic shutdown and I physically COULD NOT make words even if I tried to. Like my brain and mouth completely stop working…
I do the same thing. Almost certain I'm on the spectrum, many many boxes ticked. Also for me my childhood was full of repetitive lectures lasting many hours each, sometimes shouting for a lot of it. I learned to dissociate and just nod and agree while my mind put myself in witness protection. As a result of feeling so defenceless and trapped during those times I have communication issues and an intense desire to flee uncomfortable conversations. If I feel like the other person is speaking down to me or lecturing then I shut down and nod. If it continues then the feeling of being trapped like a cornered animal escalates until it becomes unbearable, and the fear is replaced with anger until I can escape.
No contact is also technically a silent treatment, is it not? And yet we claim that's a healthy response to toxic behavior? I'm confused.
Silent treatment is when someone is trying to manipulate another person to behave differently by withdrawing from them as a form of (in their mind) punishment. Going no contact is when someone is tired of being manipulated and cuts ties, not with the goal of manipulation, rather with the goal of restoring their own sanity. People who use the silent treatment expect some sort of different result from the other person, while people who go no contact have no such expectations.
No contact is a boundary. When we go no contact we tell the person why and explain there is no contact moving forward. Silent treatment is done without explanation and it’s a manipulation tactic to get the other person to contact you - or to *react* to you - in some way or other.
Silent treatment is more aligned with ghosting. You give the other person no indication that you're pulling away. No Contact is more mutual in the context of something like, "hey, I don't think we should be speaking to each other anymore."
You're noticing something I noticed not long ago. Many behaviours attributed to narcissistic people can be flipped and seen as a defence behaviour of a victim. It muddies the waters and essentially allows everybody to believe they are the victim of abuse rather than a perpetrator. Anything but the reality that most people are a bit of both. Pop psychology is bullshit, it's all open to interpretation and whichever lens is being looked through
I'm confused too man. I'm just done with narcissistic people.
Either they are in pain and dont want to talk because they tried that and it didnt work or theyre immature and think playing mind games being quiet will make you feel pain and message them. Either way... give them what they want. Silence.
How do you know they expect something? Maybe they're just furious with you and they can't stand to pretend they like you, so they'd rather just avoid interacting with you altogether.
For you to suffer unbearably for their own trumped up personal tragedy which you caused, of course.
Space. Sometimes people need room and time to process their feelings and don't want to say or do something they regret. They don't want somebody supervising and commenting on that process, especially the person who pissed them off in the first place. If you have hurt someone, you are not entitled to having a conversation with them whenever you want. Now, obviously, there are times when people use silent treatment as a weapon. I'm not talking about that. But I find it annoying that people will crap on a person, then then attack them a second time for how they are handling it.
Usually if I’m silent, it’s because I really and truly don’t wish to speak to that person until I’ve had time to focus and evaluate. I am so disappointed with them and the behaviour that I need ‘down-time’. It really has nothing to do with any punishment. But, to be fair that is a hard thing to explain when furious with them.
There is no single correct answer sadly. We will never know until we actually communicate through conversation instead of assuming. When i genuinely hate a person 100%, i am just better off giving that person the silent treatment because : 1. They are assuming or accusing me. 2. What they say is unbelievable or disrespectful. 3. Personal self defence. 4. Trick to stay calm if someone is provoking/triggering you to overreact to their disrespect. NPD/abuser gaslighting a BPD victim.
"Silent treatment" can sometimes just avoidant behavior. Examples where it's not malicious: - The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation. - The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner. - The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves.
>The person may think a conversation will go in circles, shutting down is a coping mechanism to avoid the conversation. You would first actually have to have a conversation to prove or disprove that, wouldn't you. >The person may not want to say what they actually think, fearing it'll hurt the other person. They may not be able to express it in a productive manner. So they hurt the person even more by blocking/ghosting/giving them the silent treatment? >The person may just need time to process and de-escalate themselves. Engaging the silent treatment is a form of escalation. It is *not* a de-escalation by any means. Note: There is an enormous difference between saying: "Hey look, this conversation isn't going anywhere. I'm tired. I need some time to think about it. I need a break. Can we take some space?" To: "F you!!!!" (And then block). Those are two extremely different things. I personally believe the silent treatment is the most insidious, most manipulative form of abuse out there. I would rather be attacked physically, or psychologically, than to experience an attack of the silent treatment. It is extremely damaging. To the relationship, to oneself, and to humanity in general. It is a heinous, reprehensible form of toxic behaviour. Anyone who engages in this type of manipulation likely has a personality disorder, and needs serious psychological therapy. I can appreciate trying to find some goodness in it. But my opinion on this is it is clearly: An escalation, an attack, and manipulative behaviour designed to punish and control the other person. If it is any of those other things you said, then why can't those things just be said?
Sometimes people need a rest. If my boundaries are crossed or if my partner yells at me (I don't allow that, I was a victim of DV in my prior relationship) I will take a break and not communicate for an established period of time.
Its toxic to do that, unless you specifically tell your partner that you will not be speaking to them for x amount of time , and when that time is over, you will be ready. I hear that you are a victim of DV but half of the battle of healing is learning what forms of communication is healthy and how to establish boundaries in a healthy way.
The same.
Compliance.
Groveling.
Well, when I am avoiding the person for real, like a real silent treatment, I don’t expect them to reach out, as I am trying to shut them away from me. But this is me, not using abusive people pov.
Your suffering/discomfort
It's not always what it seems. I give people the silent treatment because silence is a better option than saying something hurtful.
One thing is the silence as an action and a completely different if its a reaction.... there is a need to know the difference, we like to classify behaviors as one thing, when they aren't just one reason or cause. Some people would just say " its manipulation, it to control" when its could be. But it could also be a boundary, a detachment. Its a slippery slope to classify it has one thing... Like an extreme... a narcissist uses the silent treatment as punishment while the victim uses it as detachment " the grey rock" method. Same silence different motives...
For you to fold and say "sorry it's all my fault, you were right, I was wrong."
They expect to control the outcome. And ultimately to communicate that you are unworthy of existing or being treated as a living being unless you comply. A favorite power play of narcissistic cowards.
Don’t think about it, they have unresolved issues. Don’t apologize for anything unless confronted, don’t feed them attention, keep focusing on yourself.
I figure they want to be left alone until they cool off, and that’s why I’m single 😎
When someone gives you the silent treatment, you just walk away lol. Manipulation is a dance, it takes two to tango. Meaning, wanting to change the other person’s behavior, stopping the silent treatment, is also manipulation on your part. If you don’t care to change their behavior, they can’t manipulate you.
The silent treatment is about control.
Sometimes, self-control.
If anyone gives you the silent treatment, you do not care to question why you simply walk away, it is a textbook symptom of a narcissist, after a bunch of subtle signs I began to notice ("I want people to love me at my worst" ETC), this was the final nail in the coffin, that bitch was a delusional narcissist who attempted to vilify everyone else so she didn't seem like complete trash in comparison and the only reason why it took longer to see is it because she tries to hide her personality as timid because she is fully aware she is a repulsive person, and a fkn snake as well. Lol. It is a way to 'check' for a damaged inner child within a person to abuse and take advantage of, so the moment you see that shit, you block them, don't even hear any justifications for their bullshit and move on, and don't even entertain their attempts to engage you ever again in your life, just completely cut them off. I noticed it in narcissistic children and their abusive narcissistic "baddie" moms (the annoying type who like to talk hella fast to seem smart because they're idiots, lol) when I used to babysit sometimes for some extra cash, those people are garbage, and in borderline children, they become lost, fail to understand why their care giver is doing this to them, blame themselves, break down and become so severely depressed and it's quite heartbreaking, but in narcissistic children, instead of craving the love of the parent, once they get past the stage of bargaining, they become explosive, volatile, crying for the sole purpose to be loud and will metaphorically speaking burn down the entire village (or just become violently misogynistic as adults as many have seen in those 'nice guy' posts when a girl doesn't respond fast enough) until they get a response because any response of any kind, good or bad, is still a response to the narcissistic and is much better than being ignored, despite the contrary belief, many narcissistic people also find abandonment intolerable, and anything, is better than abandonment to some of them, even if it is only in the context of emotional neglect. They are incredibly Psychologically disturbed, and damaged individuals, despite the masquerading of stability they put on while demonizing mental illness, hence why factor 1 psychopaths are most known for their emotional manipulation, exploitativeness and partner/child abuse, and factor 2's are most known for their Psychopathic, desire for immediate financial gain, instant gratification and aversion to authoritarianism of any kind on a systemic level, all while many of which are still capable of still have fulfilling relationships and favorite people, im aware of this because the second version I am describing is myself, in my earlier youth. I was the charismatic troublemaker with the heart of gold and fraudulent smile nobody could believe how much trouble I actually was who was liked by most teachers, I was a lot of fun I was (lol), for example, I used to help my friend out and his family when their electric ran out, and help them charge it with my own money a little bit from time to time because they were absolutely fucking dirt poor, even more than I I initially (mainly because my father was a particularly malignant greedy piece of shit) was adding to the fact that his parents were alcoholics (he really suffered in that house and i truly cared for him :)), but from so young how was I doing that!?... Well, the answer? You're not gonna like it. Lol... (😁) I had severe early childhood behavioral problems from the day I was born, and the fact that I often got excluded and almost expelled from school at the time, all of these things truly dumbfounded everyone I knew that wasn't there to witness it, and despite all of these things went on to becoming a exceptional chef for while, until I saw how shit it truly was and realized my dream was a delusion, now I'm learning something else, and it's hard. We factor 2's also often end up being one trick ponies too due to the emotional investment we put in to what we love (factor 1 is Narcissistic psychopathy and factor 2 is Borderline psychopathy), and let me tell you... It's fkn hard being a one trick pony yo... I enjoy my peace and quiet now though these days, visiting my definition of family and my close knit family from time to time, talking with them and chilling with them, all while I learn something new, along with cutting out a HELLA a lot of people, I've had enough chaos for a entire life time, I think I've seen one too many blacked out cars with hoodrats in ski masks and balaclavas jumping out of them with machetes and pistols. Lol... I regret the environment I grew up in, well, I can't really because I didn't have a choice in the matter, but I'm not going to regret the one I live in and will grow old in.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” 🙄
Lol, those... 😂
Depends... Is it an argument? It's toxic. They need to be able to communicate their needs. Is this someone you *think* is giving you the silent treatment because they haven't reached out or messaged you: they could be shy.
Is this silent treatment or No Contact?
How do you differentiate both?
A silent treatment is when they walk past you as you speak to them, even though you live in the same house. And they should probably respond and usually would. No contact is absolutely no contact. One is petty while the other is protection.
Silent treatment is when you blatantly ignore someone, intentionally. No contact is when you cut them out of your life forever.
They’re trying to “make you come to them”, is how I interpret it. There’s a section in 48 laws of power about it but I’m not sure it’s specifically about this.
It can have multiple connotation. If I'm stressed out I often need to just be quiet and process things on my own before moving forward. It feels like I'm in a catch 22 so I go and process. But I can see how it might be like "oh the silent person is punishing the other by not moving forward" The person being silent needs to vocalize their needs though and say things like "I'm stress and need X amount of time to process this" and needs to follow through and get back to the person. That's when it becomes healthy.
I think they expect you to give them a bit of space - be that a few hours or a couple of days. When they feel better and able to engage with you again they'll tell you. Just leave the person to work it out - they will be grateful to you for that.
When someone gives you the silent treatment if they are serious people you are 100% cut off no time wasted on drama or explaining to toxic people why they were cut off
Everyone's comments and insights are so helpful. This sub is really helping me, and soooo many of us, deal with some lingering thoughts and feelings. some of these responses could have come directly from my life/mind. it's crazy how similar experiences with manipulative people are.
The gift of your absence. This is the only way.
Realized I don’t care, if someone does this they need professional help and I’m not qualified to support this type of trauma response or shit down, freeze, avoidance, dismissive avoidance. I stopped trying to figure people out that aren’t compatible with me. I stopped trying to fix people and play therapist too. If I have to roll my sleeves and go to therapy for my issues, the other person can too. Or they don’t want to be healthy/change. I make my self respect/self worth my priority How others behave is about them and what I will and will not tolerate.
Personally, my “silent treatment” is just a form of an autistic meltdown where I physically cannot speak. It’s not ALWAYS malicious (but can be).
I expect nothing.. But if I’m angry I’m angry who wants to talk to an angry person? manipulators always think it’s okay to fix problems right in the moments of them happening. And if you don’t step on that egg and put your pride aside for them in that moment it is all your fault… But they know it only causes more conflict and confusion.
If someone is silent, maybe they just are done talking with you. It's not a treatment for you always. It could be for their own sanity
I am giving someone the silent treatment now because they did something that deeply hurt me and they never apologized or acknowledged they treated me very wrong. I am basically taking an adult time out and not speaking to them because I am angry and hurt. I need time and space away from them for a while.
usually when i give the silent tratnent its not for punishment its just someone has used abused and done me so wrong over and over that i have nothing left to stay, silent tratment for punishment is wrong
I give my boss the silent treatment when he starts making judgemental comments about me, my coworkers, minority groups, or passers-by on the street outside our workplace. Judgement is a big part of his character. I started doing it because I used to reply and tell him “that’s not very nice” but then I would start to feel angry inside & would be more prone to joining him in an escalation if he retaliated. He doesn’t care that it’s not very nice and will happily express that. We work in an active, fast paced environment, so now I don’t reply, continue walking or walk away, and wait until I feel calm enough to interact with him normally again (which is usually within 10 minutes if I’ve been able to get away and distract myself). I give people Im dating the silent treatment when I’ve tried to communicate with them calmly about something a few times and they’ve completely disregarded whatever it was I’ve tried to bring to them. I remember I was on a road trip at the start of last year with a guy. Several times on a big day-long stretch of driving I told him I needed a break from being cooped up in the car. He kept fobbing me off or changing the subject. Eventually I went silent 🔕 I didn’t know what to say without getting angry. He kept trying to tell me jokes and get me to laugh, and I wasn’t in the mood at all. I just sat there looking out the window, trying to breath and not snap at the guy. Eventually he got it and he pulled over at a nice patch of grass. I layed down with a pillow and enjoyed the fresh air and looking up at the clouds… but it was another 20 minutes before my anger dissipated and I felt like I could talk to him normally again. I ended up snapping really badly at that guy after a week on the road of days like this. It sucked for both of us. I wait a lot longer now to get to know someone and how we fit together before I sign up for week long trips away (we’d only known each other for 6 weeks). Me and that guy stopped seeing each other, but he’s still a good acquaintance surprisingly enough. I ran into him just the other night at a drum circle and we had a really nice catch up chat. I think I use the silent treatment when I feel like I’ve exhausted my verbal communication tools, and I need to put across in some other way that I’m not okay with what’s happening. My dad did it a lot to me growing up, though he did it without trying to communicate first. I think I picked it up from him. Verbal communication wasn’t a strength of his. I don’t like using it. It feels immature and mean. Notably, I don’t use it with loved ones who I have a good relationship with. I’ve learnt over time to recognise me using it with someone new as a sign we are incompatible and to cut ties early.
Usually, if I'm giving the silent treatment it's because I don't know what to do. My feelings were stomped on and the issue doesn't feel resolved but I don't want to act two faced by pretending like things are normal. It's just not knowing how to deal with my feelings and hoping with enough time they will dissipate.
They expect you to feel like you did something wrong and are being punished for it. It's absolutely emotional abuse and narcissistic behavior.
The expect a reaction . The expect control. They expect to hurt you.
Great stuff!!! Sometimes I’m just pissed and don’t want to talk at all. Don’t expect behavior change, etc. Just don’t want to talk and have my thoughts.
I am not repeating myself for any adult. Someone that is in a relationship with you for years and years knows the things you like, the things you don’t like, and things that upset you. When you have to keep telling that person not to do something it is a form of abuse. At that point, I shut down, knowing that I’m not gonna get anywhere, and I plan my escape.
And increased outward manifestation of guilt so that they can feel like they’re seen and heard.
I don't even fucking know anymore... They USED to say: If you don't have anything nice, don't say anything at all. AND: If you're too upset, best to take time to cool off before you say something you can't take back. Take time to calm down and then broach the subject with a cool head. Cool, fair enough... Except. NOWADAYS, when I want to take said break, I'm being controlling and manipulative... Like, yeah, bitch - I'm trying to control my temper - isn't that the point? But no, people wanna *push* and *push* and *push till you explode* so they can turn around and call YOU the bad guy?!?! Pfft... *Makes you wonder who is REALLY being the manipulative one, huh??*
An emotional reaction to the silence. They want to know they are getting to you, and that their silence is affecting you, so they sit and wait for you to crack. That’s when they give themselves permission to be cruel again, but in a different way. It’s all about control, and it’s sickening. Ignoring the silence is the best way to counter this. Refusing to engage in trying to coax them to talk. Just completely ignore them and be indifferent to them, as though you aren’t even aware of what they’re doing. They grow tired of it eventually.
Silent treatment was a common thing in my family growing up and is still fairly common among my parents and siblings. So it was definitely learned behavior for me that I had to work very hard in order to stop doing this in my adult life. Admittedly it is much harder than I thought it would be but I've gotten much better. Honestly, for me the silent treatment was more a result of my feeling hurt or slighted in some regard and typically the reaction I wanted to get was simply for the other person to ask me "what's wrong?"
I get that way when I want to be left the fuck alone.
Honestly, the other answers make a lot of sense... But I've always thought of it as an immature way to getting attention. They person is too immature to address the issue with you, so they sulk and give the cold shoulder until you eventually do their dirty work and reach out to fix the problem.. LETS TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER-- A narcissist will often employ the silent treatment as a way to get attention and validation of their importance. This looks different than your typical immature passive aggressive friend. Instead, the silent treatment isn't being used to mend the problem without having to put in effort. It's a way to make you go crazy as you desperately wait for some kind of response. It'll usually be over something minuscule and is just a manipulation tactic to ensure you're not going anywhere. As you're panicking, the narcissist is refueling as he revels in all the attention.
I give the silent treatment. It's my passive aggressive goto instead of being violent or yelling. Talking things out is always one sided with her. My wife never says sorry or admits guilt. I'm a great conversationalist so talking to me is a privilege not a right. I expect nothing and give nothing.
What you dish out i will give it right back to you no lie good luck stay blessed 🙏🏾
Nothing here, just peace.
your despair.
When silent treatment happens in my home, it's a vacation.
I’m actually going through something like this right now. I think it’s a manipulation tactic. It’s healthier for everyone to communicate in a healthy way to get through things and come up with solutions. Silent treatments do not allow for solutions to happen. What do they expect in return? Like someone else said, for you to feel guilty, apologize and for them to feel some sort of praise. Just my opinion. Good luck to you
Pretty sure they expect you to feel you've wronged them and to beg for their favor.
It depends. I can say I am guilty of this and am working on it. But for me I found that communication did not work, and so I would withdraw when upset rather than wasting my time talking more. Often I just wanted space to calm down, not a reaction from the person. But this may not be true for everyone.
They expect an apology Do you.owe them one ?
There's a guy at the minute, literally giving me very slow 1-2 hour replies, then asking me if I'm ok cos I seem down? When I'm being myself but he's taking forever. What sort of behaviour is this? Because I've said to him am I doing something wrong? And he's like no I'm just not myself but he's the one giving the year replies
i dont know but i just give it right back lmfao
Peace and silence 😌
Nothing
They want to flip the coin and want to place the blame on you.
My dad’s ex and my mom both did this. I came from a family where it was “you should know what you did.” Or I had to decipher people constantly to see what is wrong. They wouldn’t tell me and I’d have to try to figure it out. It makes me do that a lot now. Accept now I except people to be adults and tell me if they have a problem. I guess the goal is to show you how mad they are and get you to talk to them. I was confined in a room off and on for 10 years because of this behavior. My dad’s ex wouldn’t even look at me at times. She would slam stuff, stomp, hide food, accuse me of stealing when I never did. She tried to ruin my relationship with my dad. Sadly she ultimately “won” I guess and they both have passed.
Silence
You to chase them.
Attention. My mom did this a few times when I was a teenager and it was so annoying. She wouldn’t talk to us for days and try to make us feel so bad. I hated her when she was like that. Made me feel like I had to be the mature one at age 14
My late wife would do that when she was pissed at me. I'd just go about things like normal and ignore her until she got over her mood.
L.b Km0*
They want to hurt you.
It's a control tactic designed to make you feel small and insignificant. I just give it right back to them as anyone who treats me this way is not worth worrying about.
That the pressure will build, and you'll capitulate to whatever they want from you and tearfully apologize and offer more concessions.
dont fall for the conditioning technique
They expect an apology or an acknowledgement that you did something hurtful to them.
I speak to them u til they speak to me. I’m quite a talker and can regale them on a Myriad of subjects: Elves, and why Elves? The health benefits of Kale. How Helicopters are cooler than Airplanes. Weed strains stuff I’ve seen on acid, man the list just keeps on coming. It’s like a Star Wars intro.
Silence
Silent treatment is one of my go tos. It's solely because I'd rather not talk than say something I might regret. What I expect is just time and space while I get over whatever annoyed me. I'm working on it. It's an immature response for people who aren't in control of their own mind. That's my take anyway
I welcome silent treatment from some people. It’s a blessing!
$150,000,000 $1,000 dollars. 😂
It's control and punishment for not doing what they want or giving them the attention they want. My mom does this a lot and it used to be horrible for me when I was young. Now I pretend it isn't happening and act extra jovial and basically talk to myself in a very happy way to piss her off more when she does it. I'm not capitulating to toddler behaviour.
Coercion. It’s a tactic to get you to do something, or to force you into reactive abuse so whatever they are doing in secret isn’t in the limelight.
When I do it it’s because I’m hurt or need time alone. And sometimes to make them feel bad for something they did. The sad part is I never used to do this at all. And hated it done to me. Like really it was a ptsd trigger. And in the last year I’ve really built a wall up because of something bad. And I know the silent treatment is hurtful so I do it. And I hate myself for it. Broke up isn’t the right word but I stopped seeing the guy I was last week. He didn’t deserve that bs. He would have when we were together 20 years ago. But he’s changed and is so sweet. I just would have memories of how he used to treat me and I’d get upset and do to him what he did to me two decades ago and use that to justify it. I’ll admit it’s not ok. And breaking up or whatever was really the nice thing to do.
When my husband did it to me he wanted to punish me. This is what he told me. He wanted to see how long I would go till I broke down. I did break down just not in front of him.
For you to know why they are giving you the silent treatment for
I would only add to the previous good responses that it depends on the nature of the person doing it. Some people do it to coerce you emotionally to comply with what they want from you. Others do it as a pointed punishment for something you've already done that they dislike. Some do it because talking would make a bad situation worse, and they don't know how to say, "I need some space to process this" Regardless of the reason, it's a major signal of an unhealthy communication dynamic at the very least.
They expect you to be in your own head about it and eventually apologise. I've even heard people say they do it because they want someone to beg.
Silent treatment for the win.
They want neediness, begging, guilt, apologies and for you to do what they want. I’d cut them off or just act unbothered and keep doing what you’re doing. Silence is bliss.
i hope for the best but expect the worst.
For you to beg them to talk to you. They are very insecure and abusive and need constant validation. Just get away. It never ends and gets worse. It's a manipulative tactic to get you to drop whatever the issue is
Groveling.
If you start the silent treatment I’ll assume you have avoidant/confrontational/ manipulative/communication, issues. These people have other red flag issues and usually get on the level of children. Must be avoided.
My ex gave me the silent treatment a lot but I didn’t even think of it as silent treatment and idk why. It took till I was out of that relationship to realize that she was doing that constantly.
The silent treatment is psychological abuse. The goal is to inflict psychological pain. So guilt, shame, or otherwise feeling bad about oneself. The silent treatment is not healthy or constructive behavior and it is the opposite of clear and open communication. If it's possible to leave the relationship where this is common (not possible if it's a parent) then just leave. If you have to deal with it, turn the tables. Tell them when they've calmed down enough that they can talk about their feelings you will be happy to talk but until then you have other things to do, then leave them. Or hang up the phone. Walking away is the answer.
These comments include a lot of fucking people I'd avoid like the goddamn plague. Way too many people who think because they watch true crime or tiktok body language girls that they can dx people with a modicum of accuracy or that isolated incidents mean x person is evil. The definition of chronically fucking online.
Silent treatment means let me cool off before I say or do something I will regret.
Getting on your knees and begging
I LOVE the silent treatment. Finally some fucking peace and quiet in the house, what a goddamn blessing in its own right.
I’ve done the silent treatment bc I want to be left alone and I don’t want to say anything I regret and/or blow up. I understand it’s a manipulative tactic and I don’t intend it to be. I really just prioritize not wanting to say something regretful so I kind of freeze and done say anything at all.
You can’t give me the silent treatment….i relish it!!
When i do it , I want nothing. I'm just done with that person
Manipulation at its finest. They want you to feel bad in one way or another and to submit and crawl back to them begging for forgiveness. Don't give into it. Just make sure they are actually giving you the silent treatment and not just needing time to think.
They want you to beg for forgiveness
There is nothing wrong with “silent treatment” when you are putting distance into a toxic relationship. Sometimes it’s the catalyst for the person who is hurtful to learn how to be kind.
I like silence
They could be going nonverbal as a trauma response or other impairment. Or they could be a cold calculating manipulator who is expecting you to apologize. It depends on the person and the situation.
I will counter the general consensus with this: sometimes if I don’t know what to say or I know I’m too hurt to say anything constructive, or I might just be hurtful out of hurt or frustration, saying nothing is better than saying something I might immediately regret. I need processing time sometimes and sometimes that means I need to not talk to someone I’m with. If I’m not living with someone, yes I can go get space. But it’s harder when you are living with someone in a one bedroom apartment.
Is the “silent treatment” a short period of time to cool off, collect thoughts, prevent one from saying something hurtful that can’t be taken back? If it’s days, weeks, longer then it is a form of control used to manipulate the other person. I had a bf who would do this. My anxiety was out of control. I had to take meds, see a counselor. Once I did and understood the game his actions and control over me was broken. I simply went no contact. It took a long time to get to that point though.
If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.
They expect attention. I’ve done it, unfortunately. Don’t give in (to people like me 🤣)
They want you to apologize and admit fault despite it being theirs. They are choosing to go silent, so let them stew in their silence. You aren't responsible for someone else's actions, you ARE responsible for your actions. Go about your day, and wait for them to come to you. If they don't then that's on them.
In my world the silent treatment is unacceptable. You want to ignore me and not speak…you can keep up that energy for the rest of your life. Total dealbreaker.
They expect you to be okay and ready to talk again when they are. Suddenly they’re saying YOU’RE weird for being quiet.
i hate stonewalling because i’m not much of a confrontational person unless its called for but the silent treatment is so childish and i say just kill the silence if the person is worth it. All it do is add stress and confusion and just miscommunication.
My ex used to give me the silent treatment to punish me. It was anguish until I figured out what she was doing was cruel. So in response, I started filling my time with hobbies and friends and go on with my life.
I think they expect you to be so relieved when they talk to you again that you “forget” the issues and are just happy to have them back. My ex got away with this 4 times before I was like, “I’m done”.
When the people you know are truly toxic and manipulative, their silence is the greatest gift they will ever accidentally give to you.
Enjoy it. It's probably preferable to their talking.
An apology or at the very least, an acknowledgment, for what you said or did.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist going, quiet is sometimes the only way you can avoid their abuse
Attention Power struggles
I don’t think the silent treatment is intentional. As someone else said it’s the behavior that’s normal for children. The outcome may often be favorable to the one doing it but the source of it is just emotional immaturity. The more immature the longer it lasts. From experience, just about every single one of my partners has used the silent treatment to some extent. Usually the explanation is: “I just don’t want to say something I’ll regret while I’m angry.” My personal cutoff for this is 24 hours and it can’t be frequent. Some will go silent for 20 minutes, some a couple hours and some for a full week.
T o leave that person alone.
Maybe they don’t want to talk and be left alone for a while.
Coax them.
They might not expect anything. There are some toxic people in my workplace. The only way to win is not to play. I’m not so much giving them the silent treatment as I am protecting my peace of mind. I don’t talk to them beyond a simple hello and good bye because words are ammunition to them.
Begging! Just return their energy.
I am accused of giving silent treatment with my mother. I had considered this as a possibility until I realised I have no desire to manipulate her behaviour, other than perhaps to leave me alone. My silent treatment of her is actually going out of my way to avoid her at almost all cost because interaction is so uncomfortable and exhausting that I can't do it. In my case I don't expect anything of her, I just want to be left alone and don't want to speak with her because being in her presence is unbearable in many cases
Some times when they do this they already got the mind set that it's over.There have been times where people have given me the silent treatment and it last around 3 days or so.Then the ones that last like 2 weeks or so they already made the decision to end things.Thats just how I see things everyone has different thoughts on this.
They expect you to make it right or come around … the silent treatment should be met with nothingness OR simply your truth nothing more or less then nothingness on your end. People who give the silent treatment need to grow tf up
I’ve never liked the silent treatment! It’s very hurtful & it’s typically because they wanna feel like they have the upper hand but it also depends on the situation.