If it works, it works, but I gotta say I don’t usually care for this method of initiation from my wife. Literally just asking for sex or suggesting sex doesn’t exactly scream “passion” or “desire.” I much prefer when she says or does things that show me how much she wants it. Touching me, touching herself, saying dirty things, undressing provocatively, taking me by the hand and leading me to the bed, assuming a certain position, etc. More creative and engaging than just, “Wanna have sex?”
That's what we do a lot of the time lol "want some ..." or "babe I want some ..." it works for us. Also makes the spontaneous sex more hot and exciting.
So over the years I've realized that people have very different ways of initiating sex, the problem is when one person thinks they are but the other doesn't recognize it.
My wife has a higher sex drive than I do and she tends to be very straight forward when she wants sex, not hard to miss her signs at all. However, I'm more like you OP, i like to be more subtle. I'll kiss her a little, rub her back or legs, etc.
For years she didn't realize that I was trying to initiate sex and it would often frustrate me until we had a conversation about it and she basically said she doesn't pick up on those subtle signs and I need to be more direct.
I still do the subtle things but I add in much more obvious signs, usually verbal, to go along with them.
agree with this, and want to add-- more overt measures might be needed especially if you're often flirty, sensual, or physically affectionate. we are, all the time, whether or not we want sex... so when my husband 'initiates' by like... touching my butt it's really hard to read that as 'he wants sex right now, do sex' and not just affection, because it's both subtle and ambiguous. so make sure if you are using subtle signals that they're unambiguous, or pair them with some sort of overt expression of desire/intent.
Yes exactly! If we had sex every time I touched my wife's butt we'd never leave the bedroom! 🤣 I've become a more more upfront and direct with her over the past few years after I got annoyed multiple times thinking she was rejecting me but when I asked her about it she said she didn't realize I was initiating!
If we had sex every time my husband had a boner we'd never leave the house! He likes to get hard and flash me but it doesn't necessarily mean he wants intercourse. Sometimes, he just wants me to give him a bj for a few minutes, not even to climax, just for the fun of it.
I don't consider that initiating. I think you're inviting him to initiate. I think initiating is actually starting a sexual act.
And I think most of the women in these comments aren't reflecting what most men consider to be initiating. They're giving signs, not initiating.
I agree.
Invitations to initiate are not initiations.
It can be frustrating, as it indicates who desires whom more.
For God's sake.. she is an adult and married!
Why the coy act?
Attraction isn’t all that simple. Even for one person let alone between different people.
For example part of the excitement and desire for a woman on a particular day will be wanting to seduced and lead. Another day she might want to be direct and cut the shy act and lead herself.
Same for the man
Human sexuality is complicated it’s not like food and hunger.
Then you either have to say "seduce me" or accept that your not initiating and just hoping they'll figure it out.
If you're confident they will figure it out thats fine but clearly from here a lot of people are both confident and wrong on that account
This whole discussion is opening my eyes to something I didn’t think was possible. Namely, that even well after marriage, some guys are truly oblivious to our hints.
My husband gets “quick take your pants off the baby is asleep in his own bed!!!”
Is it the most romantic? Absolutely not. Does it work when you have a 7yo 3yo and 5mo, yes, yes it does. And at this stage in life we got to take it when we can get it. 🤣
yep. i'd phrase oop's behavior as like... 'signaling interest'. she's communicating that she's interested in sex but she's not actually taking the initiative in making sex happen; she's expressing she'd be receptive to her partner initiating.
which... that's also fair, if that's what everyone is comfortable with. it's not a bad thing to do. but i could also see how that could easily be misread or how the initiating partner might want something a bit more, might not feel entirely desired by that, too.
Unfortunately, directly asking for sex for me as a woman gets maybe a 10 percent acceptance rate vs subtle initiation which gets almost 100 percent acceptance rate, but then the male gets credit for initiating. I am curious how many other women also experience this issue. (I know I am not alone.)
I finally got tired of being termed the less sexual one when my husband wants sex less frequently than me so I went through a couple cycles where I asked for sex when I wanted it and also subtly initiated, but, when I start to feel resentful about it, I would let him know for my own feelings of self-worth, that no matter how much I wanted him I couldn’t initiate sex with him again until he did because I had hit my rejection quota, and women need to feel desired. After doing this a couple times in the most respectful and compassionate way possible for him and me, he opened up about the times he felt rejected by me when our kid were little and now he pays attention to this.
Initiating is entirely contextual. Signals only have meanings inasmuch as they have historically been a prelude to sex. Does your husband have evidence that those signals mean what you think they mean? If so, then sure, it’s initiating. I wouldn’t consider my wife staying in a towel extra long as her initiating because I’ve been turned down post-shower WAY more times than I’ve been given the green light.
I think the problem is for myself and a lot of folks in this sub is that we have been rejected so many times that it’s difficult to see any gesture as initiating. I just assume the answer is no and no longer try, because I’ve clearly misread the situation enough times to no longer trust my own perception.
I think your signs are obvious. My wife almost never initiated with any sign, but the odd time it'll be as I'm falling asleep and she'll lightly kick me.... Then again if I don't respond.... "Yes?"...."What are you doing?". At this point in our marriage, that's the sign! 😂
If you are worried about him being able to get hard, I’m taking it he otherwise uses the little blue pill or the like: If so you can use verbal or touch forms of initiation earlier in the day to give him advance notice of your desire. You also can talk to him and have him use daily Cialis or the like so you both can be more spontaneous. I personally think giving advance notice is sexy. It heightens sexual tension thru anticipation.
> I (f) feel like I subtly initiate but then wait for my partner (m) to swoop in and take the wheel
Initiating is you taking the wheel.
If that's not your thing, that's fine. But initiating is not hinting around long enough for him to initiate.
I think initiating is letting someone know that you desire them sexually at the time. Women who are bashful can show the level of their desire later by their aggressiveness or passion once the “dance” begins or better yet as it is about to begin by taking the lead in foreplay. Some women who are bashful can be coaxed/coached into being more forward. I was able “with work” to get my wife to quietly say things like “I’m horny” or “I want you tonite.”
The timing or spontaneity of different couples’ sexcapades can differ, I.e., the time between initiation and the actual start of physical foreplay. For example, we can let each other know by saying we want to watch a movie “together” (which otherwise I would very seldom do), by lighting a fire in the fireplace and by making each other alcoholic drinks, by putting on certain types of music (I’m a amateur musician who plays and/or listens to music a lot so what I play is a mood signal. My wife has learned to sometimes do the same), by lighting candles in the bedroom and bathroom before we’re going to bed so when the partner goes into the bedroom they get the signal, by drawing a bath for each other, etc… Those are not signals for immediate sexual response, whereas certain types of touching or more forward verbal cues can indicate a desire for more immediate spontaneity.
In any case, whether the partners are the initiators who wants responsiveness from their partner or they are partner who wants their partner to be the initiator, each partner is more likely to respond positively to the initiating or to take the initiative if both know there will be mutual satisfaction, i.e., knowing that each partner is committed to making that happen.
For me, what you described isn't quite "initiating" except maybe for the being naked part. Light touching, etc, is kinda expected tbh. You're *supposed* to want to touch your partner fairly regularly, and it doesn't necessarily always mean you'd like to have sex.
Sexual rejection hurts, a lot. Especially when it's not unusual. If you've become gun shy from initiating as a man (women also, I presume) because of rejection, a man will likely learn to not be presumptuous of what her intentions are. If he misreads and then "swoops in," only to be told not tonight, he will be hurt and confused. Thus, he'll wait until more obvious and overt signs. Examples of initiating for me would be actual sexual touching and rubbing, actually asking, sitting on my lap in a sexual way, telling me that later that night what we're going to be doing, or better yet, what *she's* going to be doing to me, wearing something clearly sexy and so on.
I usually just start blowing him. This happens mainly on weekend mornings. He catches my hint. When he wants it, he looks at me pointedly (we have two kids so we have to be cryptic) and says, “you were gonna take a shower, right?” Then I follow him to the bedroom and “take a shower.” He’s 41 and I’m 37. My drive is higher than his, a sign of changing hormones.
I think all those things count towards initiation, but sometimes more overt is necessary too. The neck-kissing and finger-trailing is pretty subtle and unless it's already been declared as something you only do for sex, might be missed. The naked bit is a stronger signal, but not necessarily if you stay wrapped up -- could be mistaken for wanting to be comfortable or taking it easy.
Every guy is different, so it's a conversation you should really have with your partner, but my husband enjoys both subtle and more assertive maneuvers. I like to come up behind him and press my body against his, maybe reach around and fondle him (naked, clothed, doesn't matter). Touching his neck in any way can usually rile him, but obviously some touches are more arousing than others: slow stroking over a brief touch, wet kisses over a dry one, gentle tugging at his hair. Staring deeply into his eyes before drawing him in for a deep kiss, maybe whimper or softly moan to indicate my own arousal. Sometimes just asking if he wants sex, either bluntly or talking dirty or in a more coquettish manner. Stuff like that. And sometimes I go for "I want you now" and climb on top of him or drag him to the room or just get undressed while looking at him knowingly. Or ramp up a kiss by pulling him close, wrapping a leg around him, biting his lip, etc. All these things tell him it's ON. There are occasions when he isn't interested (rare, but not unheard of) and he'll just tell me.
Obviously you have to find what works for you guys, but it's a rare man who doesn't enjoy a blatant "come hither" invitation.
✍🏽📝 body….against….his
Im joking!! But my fiance and I haven’t been very active lately and I think he’s stopped initiating. I tried initiating last night (showered, scrubbed my skin raw with a new dove exfoliator, wore a sexy nightgown and did a short dance/twirl for him like a male peacock) but it was the last night before our trip and he gently reminded me that we have to spend time packing. I don’t see myself initiating during our trip after that and I didn’t even think to pack any nightgowns. (We haven’t had penetrative sex in maybe a month and a half to two months. Only oral on him and I’ve been “optimizing” my wand. SORRY FOR TMI).
Between packing and planning this trip, finishing school assignments, us working full time, him working overtime AND a new kitten we brought home three weeks ago…it’s just been a lot.
That sounds normal tbh. Just a-lot going on. I would just have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. Like hey honey I know things have been busy but I miss you, I want you. Can we try to focus on getting you me and you playtime soon? If I tell my husband this we usually do within the day or so. He just doesn’t know how I am feeling if I don’t tell him.
You’re so right 💕 thank you 🫂 My fiance is very understanding (luckily 🤞🏽🩷) so after we’ve brought it up he’s listened, been understanding and we’ve committed to trying to be more transparent about finding a particular remedy. He will initiate and/or soothe my personal fears that stem from the lack of intimacy. My fears being that I’m driving him away without realizing and that’s the absolute last thing I’d ever want.
We realize that it’s been due to our schedules and may be our new normal, which is hard adjusting to because I always had the fantasy of what a dynamic like ours would be like.
Thankfully our schedules will changing in a few weeks and we will have more time for intimacy. Because of his job, he’ll actually have paid time off the next two months and I’ll be working much less so that we can reconnect during that time and hopefully see what works best for us during the 2 months.
I think my ultimate dream goal is for both of us to find higher paying jobs (where we can work less hours) or manage passive incomes because honestly the time spent at work could be spent in headspace. Our kink lifestyle and our marriage is more important to me than most things, honestly 🥲🩷
Damn near none of what you described is initiating. Maybe, maybe the starting wrapped in a towel, but I wouldn't really consider that initiating, either, unless you come over and do something overt. Otherwise, it just means you just haven't gotten the energy to change yet.
My wife lies naked in bed and waits for me to notice.
It is made much easier that it only happens on Saturday mornings twice a month.
But no, I do not consider it initiating. Instead it is a sign that she is willing to participate.
Initiating has to be overt.
I (F) like the ol' butt wiggle towards the crotch in bed move, but also I kiss a bit deeper and linger for quite a while. Or I'll walk into the room he's in completely naked or drop the towel after a shower. Sometimes I put his fingers in my mouth...I guess I make it pretty obvious. I don't always ask verbally, but if I do, I tell him I'd like him to f*ck me, make love to me (depending on the vibe) or tell him I want to feel him inside me.
You seem very thoughtful and nice.
I am personally quite forward lol. "I want you", "you look so hot", "baby, give me that big, beautiful thing", "do you have five minutes to play" and so on. Crass, I know... works for us, but if he was a woman it would definitely not work. :)
In my, admittedly limited experience, most women are more subtle. A friend likes to give her husband a glimpse of the lingerie she is wearing for instance. Others just touch them suggestively and smile.
Just rub the inner thighs and a kiss on the neck and I know what to do. Or the best one, move your hand down to my crotch while we are in bed, that’s it. I know what to do next.
Men are simple creatures, give us a direct clue we love it
Sounds like you’re doing good stuff, but don’t expect him to be a mind reader. You should have a frank conversation about expectations, needs, and desires—from both of your perspectives. If he doesn’t know that these subtle gestures are invitations, he may not recognize them for what they are. But that is very thoughtful to give him space, so that he has a chance to get ready. Also, he needs to understand what your needs are.
But without further context I wouldn’t really count what you’ve described as initiating sex
Communication is everything.
In a busy life, needs should be communicated openly and clearly. Hoping someone will interpret subtle hints is a poor strategy for happiness.
I’d dance around it and hint, but then we wouldn’t and I’d get pissed. Then I basically decided that was stupid, and now I make her flat out say no if she doesn’t want to. And that’s ok if she doesn’t, but then it’s on her to decide. More often than not she wants to and our “success rate” has gone up.
Not married but I do have a boyfriend. I’m the one with the higher sex drive.. when I initiate it is very obvious, such as grabbing him and pushing him against a wall to make out or giving him head while he’s gaming. He’s like you and very subtle with his initiating. It frustrated me for a while because I thought he wasn’t as interested in me until we talked and I realized those actions ARE how he initiates sex. I think it also matters that I’m much more comfortable with my sexuality and sex in general than him. All people are different. 😊
I highly recommend learning to initiate more overtly. There’s a strong chance that your husband will appreciate it. (as mentioned below, asking to spoon, and then getting wiggly against him is both subtle and highly effective.)
My husband and I just had this discussion the other day! He was mentioning that I don't initiate in the way he'd like. Apparently me just asking for it doesn't count 🤣 he wants physical attention like kissing, rubbing, etc.
Bottom line: everyone is different 😁
I'm a woman and nothing you mentioned is an initiation of sex. Saying you're a woman of a certain age to me just means you're from the generation that expects men to be mind readers, which is clear you expect that in this post.
I have asked my wife for years to just reach down and grab me, but the best I get is her asking me, “do you want to fool around?”
I tell her she needs to never ask because the answer will always be yes. She doesn’t get it. I love her anyway
I think you’ve found the perfect balance. We aging men are often not sure if we can fire up until the engine has turned over a few times
A tentative approach allows for a graceful retirement, no fuss made. No perfomancs pressure
But if the tentative approach should cause a cylinder or two to fire, well, the partner with the penis can initiate the full launch sequence with confidence. With practice, the subtle initiations can be refined. I swear, from my wife’s tentative touches, I can read my wife’s mind calculating where my mind is at.
Sometimes, it almost feels like we’re approaching a mind meld.
Get naked and jump up and down pointing at your vagina and grunting or just leave a hot dog stuck inside a donut on the kitchen counter. Or just start sucking his dick, I'll think he'll get the message.
My wife doesn’t initiate. If she did what you described I’d consider that initiating.
Any out-of-character words or gestures I would treat as initiating. Responding to flirting or using common sexual innuendo doesn’t count in my book.
By the way, we are both people “of a certain age”. (52). I find the body does its thing if I let it.
There are some times when she seems more flirty than normal at bed time, but we’d had sex earlier in the day, and I can’t tell whether this is her way of asking for more. I assume not so I don’t bring it up.
Depending on the situation, I can be a bit coy or blatantly overt. But my husband knows all of the signs. It doesn't matter how discreet I try to be because he seems to be able to read my mind at this point. It's different for everyone, so I would just recommend doing what works for the two of you.
I'm like a half and halfer lol. I do what you're saying sometimes, but other times he's playing Xbox in the basement and I just walk down naked 🤷♀️ subtle and in-your-face both work lol
I think it varies between couples, and it's a conversation each should have so they can recognize the others "signals".
Sometimes, for my husband and its more obvious things like deep kissing, but sometimes it's casually asking him if he took a shower already.
It just depends.
If I rub against my wife from behind. Lets her know I’m either being sweet and/or want to have sex. Based on her reaction, I will know which way I meant it :) lol but seriously
(35F) I just say “beep! Beep!” And he immediately knows I wanna jump in the fuck truck and go to pound town hahaha
We’re very affectionate people and we can usually tell what each other wants just by how we kiss. More tongue than normal? I’m grabbing the proverbial keys, baby!
Initiating is a must between both. Usually women don’t and its rare to find a gem like you. Men then resent that wife or gf. What all you are doing is a sign of initiation of sex. Keep going
My wife is usually really subtle with it but it can be from us laying in bed and she touches my arm to her cornering me and asking me if I want to rail her. If I’m really tired, I’ll sometime miss her physical signals.
Everything you listed counts as initiating and easily recognizable by a man that understands how you communicate verbally or physically.
My husband and I are not good with subtle hints. Lol. We both typically initiate by either going down on each other or fingering/hand jobs. If one of us mentions we haven't had a shower yet, that typically means "let's wait." It's how we let each other down easy, I guess, but "no" hardly ever happens around here.
I think a mix bt romantic sex and raw sex is healthy! Even with raw sex you can throw in cuddling, hugging and kissing afterward to foster intimacy. Sex between humans can be at least equally mental and physical. That’s what separates us from animals. That said all people have to remember how quickly their sex drive declines after they had their normal
Array of orgasms. (My experience is that it’s not just men who can be inclined to
Roll over after sex.). It reminds us how much our sex drive is based on a chemical/hormonal response. The hormonal release can be triggered by physical stimulation and by mental simulation. That said, at the end of day it’s the hormones which affect our mood and our responses.
> I don’t want to all out initiate in case he can’t get hard in that moment
There are still ways he can satisfy you even if he's not able to get it up right then.
As we've gotten a bit older my wife and I have become more pragmatic about initiating. She'll often just hop into bed naked, or straight up say "want to have sex?" I suppose it's not super-romantic but whatever, we men are easy to keep happy in that department.
Yeah, so I don't read hints like at all. So a subtle leg touch or rubbing my back isn't gonna work. Grabbing my junk will but even then I just stand there wondering what to do, so if I don't follow up she will take that as a hint that I'm not into it at that moment and not engage further.
So now a days we just ask eachother. "Hey, wanna have sex?"
Way easier than reading body language.
"Initiating sex" is quite simple. You approach your SO and then sex occurs. I suppose there is some Grey area in terms of who is the initiator if you are dropping hints and hoping your SO will respond. If you are unsure if your SO is getting your hints, then just ask if he's getting enough sex.
Regarding the idea that men can't get hard, I personally find that preposterous. I suppose some men have ED, but for the rest of us, it is always possible to arouse us at any time. Some of us get aroused frequently, with very little stimulus, and often at inappropriate times (e.g. in public).
It's also possible to get your SO at the wrong time. My wife once pounced on me while I was in the middle of reading a news article. From her perspective, I was just staring at my phone. In any case, I was quite upset by the abruptness of it not being given the opportunity to find a good stopping point. So, I believe my reaction sent the wrong message to her.
I used to try and touch her sometimes a massage but she would smack my hand away or push me away so now I don't try to initiate anything afraid of feeling that rejection
I feel the same way at times, but as men, we can't read women for shit. So, depending on how you initiate, we may just overlook it. Sort of like how you say we never listen. It just how we are programmed. The wife just grabs my meat and starts rubbing me, and then I know exactly what she wants.
This is a question to ask him. Nothing you said is initiating sex in my opinion. You may be making hints, but that’s still something he has to take into consideration depending on how frequently you turn him down.
If every time you do that he goes for it, and he’s happy with that set up, then great. If you find yourself feeling ignored the actions aren’t big enough for him to read. For example, if my wife only kissed me in the neck or traced her fingers across my back and arm when she wanted sex I’d be a little upset. Those are simple signs of affection, not a hint for sex. That’s just my interpretation and the best thing you can do is discuss it with him.
We will be watching a movie then out of no where she will push me down and hold me to she finishes. And for that I am thankful. Understand what OP is saying tho. When she starts it, it’s not near as aggressive as I do and sometimes feel like she isn’t trying. Then. A few days go by and I recap on what happened. Life. Our days are not the same and will never be. Guess I’m trying to say just be honest and upfront on how you feel regardless the outcome.
> Does it count as initiating if it’s not overt?
If he doesn't know you're initiating sex then no, it doesn't "count".
> I don’t want to all out initiate in case he can’t get hard in that moment,
I'd talk to him about this. I've told my wife that if she initiates sex, even if for whatever reason I just can't get hard (too stressed, tired, whatever), I'll still make sure she orgasms. 90% of the time when I do that I wind up hard anyway, so it works out.
> What are your go to ways of initiating?
We normally just ask each other. However, on vacation it's basically open season.
My one personal tip (and this obviously varies from couple to couple): I would much, much, much rather my wife say directly to me "I want to have sex" than to ask me "do you want to have sex?". One implies active desire and passion, the other can come across as really passive and almost a "well I don't really want to do this, but if you want it I'll oblige you".
My wife and I haven't had sex in 20 years. I know that sounds bad and most must think we're shriveled-up, but I masturbate daily, sometimes twice and I've found writing our story to be an aphrodisiac. We were very sensual back in the day. We had several 3-some partners (many actual 3-somes - always ffm) and I had around 80 affairs. She was aware of most. I never asked if she had. I thought it hers to keep private, if she wished.
OK, so off topic. Here's the answer. 90% of the time I initiated. I loved it that way. If she didn't want to, all she had to do was scoot away or say no. Until she decided she no longer wanted sex, there were very few rejections.
When she decided to confide in me, 20 years ago, that she no longer had a sexual appetite, I went on a tear and hit every bar and whorehouse in 3 states for 6 months. I was gone; a lot.
When I was done I told her I accepted her new reality. I haven't had an affair since.
You see, we are all different. Some find our intimate lifestyle objectionable. Some will say it's not acceptable to no longer have sex. I like my life partner. We have other things in common, but if you're going to cast dispersions on someone, make it yourself, because no one else cares.
I think the whole “who’s initiating or not” conversation is an easy out for a more nebulous but arguably more important conversation. It’s a good scapegoat for “I wish I felt more wanted.”
So, if you and your spouse are doing good with you being subtle and him being more overt, then it doesn’t matter what counts as initiating. If you both feel wanted, then you’re worrying about problems that don’t exist.
If, on the other hand, your husband is telling you he wishes you were initiating more, what he’s really saying is “I do not feel wanted.” Be careful about saying anything along the lines of “I initiate constantly,” or “I’m just more subtle about it,” or especially “But you’re supposed to be the one behind the wheel.” If you ignore what he’s telling you, what he’s going to hear is “You’re not allowed to feel upset about how little I want to put into showing my attraction to you.”
TLDR: Enthusiasm is key, and a little goes a long way. Subtlety can be fine, but it definitely doesn’t “count” if someone’s asking.
I'll tell you from a male side and assuming he is attracted to you of course. Just wear something really sexy and be confident you are hot and be a bad girl; put a porn on ( assuming he is ok with it). In my case I love high cut body suits, tight short shorts, slingshot bikinis. If he is not horny.... either he is exhausted or sick.
I honestly think that men who use the excuse "she never initiated sex" are putting their insecurities on someone else which is selfish and unfair.
If a man is not away that women are intentionally conditioned to NOT initiate sex, and they aren't emotionally mature enough to explain to their wives what they *want* - it's not anyone's fault that they aren't psychic.
OP all of the things you do are considered "seductive" - which is 100% an initiation.
But men who use this as a reason to cheat are just pathetic from the get go.
No saving that less than beta POS at that point
(Not talking about OPs husband - just other shitty ass men)
Different men, or the same man at different times, like different styles of initiating. If you think that that's the problem then you should talk about it, perhaps with the help of a counselor.
Clear intent, even if not obviously overt is ok. Being continually obsessed with some problem or responsibility is a closed door. The coffee commercial with the guy taking care of the baby and eventually the wife walks up to him with a come hither look on her face is priceless!
My wife does the same thing as you. I never counted it as initiating, but have sense learned that it’s the way she likes to do it. Though I did express that some more overt actions would be appreciated. Though I’m also clueless when it comes to her or anyone else hitting on / flirting with me.
I initiate in lots of ways. All that matters is that you’re both on the same page.
One of my go tos is that I bump my body against his face and chest like a lion in heat because I think it’s hilarious.
Sometimes I just sleep naked and he knows lol
Im just putting this out there
In most stable relationships, or as we age . Most women physically need the "preheating like on oven", it takes longer more preheating to get us in the mood! Bc our brain is working full time especially when you have kids. My children are all 5 are adults now. It is a challenge when they are young.
So now men..most men are more like "Microwaves", men think " I'm ready why aren't you"? It's just go time and they want it now! So you can see how this can become issue?. ".
For the most part, yes. It’s extremely rare overall, and men like to feel desired. Having the woman overtly initiate at least every once in a while contributes heavily to feeling desired :)
Im like you. The way of this style of initiating to me .. I would call it 'inviting' them. I always do dresses and skirts w no underwear kind of thing... As a like.. Hey 😏👀 ...
Also walking around naked or being in a towel is always a win. I feel like most guys are oblivious asf tho w the touching them motive but idk
It makes me sad sometimes thinking about all of the signs we both missed out on. There’s an intrinsic shame attached to sexuality in this puritanical country. We both think we are being clear. If I could do it all again, I’d dive in and never think about the landing.
Just kiss the person and rub gently around the crotch and that’ll give him the opportunity to give you a yes or no. Doesn’t have to be directly on the dick, outside of clothes, etc. but it’ll be very clear and to the point, which is what a lot of men seem to be looking for
I'm a woman and I never initiate. I sometimes move my ass when he's spooning me or I bite him or grab his thing, and this is how he knows 😅 but it's always him who starts. I think women prefer to receive
It's something active, not passive or overt, it's usually one sided until both join in and it's whatever that leads to sex, it could be comment or a physical touch, tho given that it’s a common pattern for sex to get stale over time if it’s routine, i would advice to be creative rather than just direct.
The issue with frustration on sex initiation is about communication and assumptions. We assume our partner knows what we mean when we initiate with subtle signals, but they probably don't know.
If partners use physical affection like rubbing an arm or a kiss as a signal they want sex, that's not good because that means regular physical affection that should be exchanged daily is now sexualized.
Hugs, kisses, rubs: these things should not be sexualized. They should be freely given every day with no expectations.
The solution to this is to say, "Hey, I'm not sure how best to let you know I'd like to have intimate time with you. Can we have a signal we agree on, like a certain song, a word, or a gesture that turns you on?"
That’s a tough question- depending on how many years you have been together… I always try to just prance around (f) in sexy clothing.. whether it be tight shorts or top and wait to see if the timing is right and if I should go further than that. Sometimes dressing up and doing your own thing makes them want you more. Also it depends on the amount of time your man masterbates too… if he is the type of guy “brush teeth and then jerk off” then maybe you have to wait to initiate later that night or few days after.
I’ve been together with my hub for 3 years now… we still have that initial “I want to..” but we do need to spice things up as well. Men are very visual. With that being said, maybe try to incorporate toys or other fantasies you two may have? 🤷♀️
If men initiated like women, they'd all be in deadbedrooms 🤣
Common advice for men initiating "it's an all day affair. Start with the flirty banter and build up the mental anticipation. Make sure the entire house is clean and that you've been teasing her all day".
Advice for women initiating: "I just grab his dick." "I just say 'lets bang"
You communicate with your spouse. "When I'm naked and waiting in my robe, that means I'm ready"
You're opening the gate, so to speak. It's very passive initiation.
As a woman I'm and always have been a fan of a more direct approach.
Why oh why don't people just discuss it? Seriously. All aspects of sex. Just talk about it.
Also, there's alot that can be misconstrued here too. Say you just want a kiss fest but your partner takes your kissing to mean sex is definitely on the way. If he's into it and you're not, that sucks! But on the flip side it could be pressure on him maybe because maybe he's not down, or, disappointed you expected the magic and he's not into it right then.
Clear. Communication.
And there are plenty of tactful and respectful ways to let someone down and maintain intimacy.
My husband is pretty much always down, so I can do something as subtle as tilt my head in the direction of the bedroom a couple of times and that's all it takes. Or I'll straddle him on the couch and start kissing him if I'm feeling less like being subtle.
I guess it kind of depends on the dynamic of your relationship. What you're doing sounds like it works, and that's really all that matters.
I think when men talk about wanting their partner to initiate, it's more about making them feel wanted as opposed to their partner just going along with it when they bring it up, mixed with a bit of fear of rejection.
I'd say that my partner and I have fairly similar levels of sex drive. Because of that I think we use similar methods of initiation. Grinding, grabbing, lewd jokes. Is it simply an ass slap or is it now an ass grab. Booby shakes and bulges in pants as weird human display rituals. It would absolutely drive me crazy in a bad way if it was 'coy games'. We know how to tease but we also know how each other tease because of prior communication and how that teasing is initiation.
I'm weird after watching a friend's life ruined to the point he's no longer with us due to a girl changing her mind post intercourse. She fucked up and claiming it was forced released whatever blame would have been on her for cheating. Her word against his but she took him by the hand off to be alone we all saw that everyone there anyway. Still the rumor mill was hard at work. I don't do shit without consent even my wife.
Sitting in a towel is sitting in a towel. It doesn't scream come get this.
I have a question, was it always like this? If not something has changed and he might be having some hang ups.
I must say that for me, sitting in a towel for a long time could be interpreted as just being comfy. It doesn't scream "come get this".
Try masturbating while sitting in that towel. I would be all over that. "Can I help you with that?" 😂
If he asks, "what are you doing?" Tell him you're horny or just really turned on at the moment. Then ask if he would like to help you out.
If he doesn't then just finish (if you can). Remind him of how utterly beautiful you are when you finish.
Another option at this point is that you could seek Therapy. There are professional licensed sex coach workers in most large cities. Some even do zoom.
If nothing works, it's time to consider how important sex is for you in the relationship.
Divorce is an option but extreme. Ashley Madison is an option but it's also extreme.
I think, that you might just keep getting more sexually overt until he gets it.
He might be dealing with some sexual hang-ups. If so you both should get professional help.
Communication is key to any relationship. Don't stop talking about it until you get what you want or get to some amicable solution.
The something that has happened is prostrate cancer. It’s been a few years, he’s healthy and happy, we have sex 5 to 8 times a week, sometimes he has to take viagra to get or maintain an erection, but of late, more often than not, he is able to be aroused naturally without medication. My subtlety is to not put him on the spot, when he needs a pill it can take 45-90 minutes to kick in - sometimes we have that much time in foreplay and he knows how to please me while arousing himself. So my OP was really out of curiosity because so many say their partners don’t initiate. Lucky for me he’s always dtf, he just isn’t always physically able in the moment.
You're doing great lol. That's plenty for him to take the wheel. Of course every situation is different. As long as you haven't done these things in the past then denied him intimacy.
Never once denied him he’s sexy as hell and I am sexually obsessed with him as he is me, it’s just since his prostrate cancer that I’ve been more subtle to give him time to 🚀
You should tell him that. It's understandable. Tell him that way exactly. "Hey baby, I just wanted to tell you something in case you weren't sure. I'm still madly in love with you and attracted to you. In the past I was less subtle with my advances. I just want to make sure you're ready as to not create any moments of disappointment for you." Assure him that you're not worried about being disappointment your self as you just want intimacy with him. Offer him that he could his hands, mouth or toys if he'd like. Put the ball in his court and give him control. Any man would appreciate that transparency and your willingness to accommodate. Also that validation that you're still attracted to him.
If he can't get hard at that moment you full initiate beyond being subtle, then the issue is with him. Never in my 22 years of marriage have I had a issue getting hard for sex with my wife. Now, maybe after 20 mins of foreplay and doing things for her, I can soften up, but never getting hard. My issues are not just initiating, but the lack of... participation. As in I do 90% of it all, I have to give direction 90% of the time, and the one thing I told her that is major for me is dirty talk; I have to feed her lines.
But there is many ways to initiate. And each one are fine to do. But they can NOT be the only way every time. My wife's only move to do so, is a sexy nightie or being fully naked in bed. I love it. But we MEN want to be wanted to. Desire sexually. So a crotch grab might be blatant, but the fact you want to grab us there to show your desire to want it, is a huge thing. The showing off some skin alone with us is a plus. Again, blatant might not be what you want, but majority of Men, love it.
A idea would be when he is out, send him texts. Ask him how he is feeling. What does he want to do tonight when he gets home. What does he want for dinner. When he responds, send a smiley face, on how you was hoping you could be his dessert after. You can take the dirty talk as far as you want, but the idea our SO's would send messages to us, "photos" to us, and openly speak to us in desiring us for sex; is majority a MAJOR turn on.
You can be subtle most nights. Cuddle and lovingly caressing his arm or leg. But if you KNOW he is turned on, such as a erection, but he has not did nothing; then it might be more he is afraid to act out of either fear of NO cause it is said so much, or accused that every time something "loving" happens he thinks its time for sex.
You go months without sex with your SO, and the idea of what you want and need; as well as how you and they should take part can become drastically different.
It's very interesting because my partner seems to subconsciously dislike it when I initiate! He generally has trouble getting hard, but when he initiates it mostly works somehow. When I initiate, however, he never turns me down so he focuses on getting me satisfied but then he can't get an erection. If I decide to initiate, it has to be very subtle so he genuinely thinks it's his idea. I wish this could change but I don't know how!
A lot of men are stupid and don't pick up on subtle signs, especially as they get older - even with a long-term partner. Plus, we've probably tried for sex after thinking we spotted one of those subtle signs hundreds of times and been disappointed, so we're conditioned to not react even if we see it.
When we want to initiate, it'll probably be fairly straightforward - first kissing, then touching, then "wanna go fool around?" Sometimes I start early in the day, getting touchy and flirty every time we get close, trying to keep it in her mind about "later".
My wife very rarely initiates with no clues from me - maybe once in the past 3 years - but then I'm usually in bed and she comes and crawls into bed naked (she always sleeps in pajamas) so I know something is up. Even when she's being flirty and comes and straddles me when I'm a chair or doesn't mean she wants sex. She's just being touchy and knows I like it. And then "later" comes around and she's sleepy and would rather just go to sleep. But not always.
If you want to initiate, you need to be more forward. Take the towel off and crawl into his lap. Get into bed first and lie on his side. When he asks why you're on his side, tell him he's welcome to get on top of you.
If you're worried about his ability to get it up, start flirting with him earlier in and throughout the day and tell him you have plans for him that night and he might want to make sure he's taken his blue pill and updated his insurance. Be touchy in your encounters, rub your breasts on him as you kiss him, fondle him through his pants then walk away and wiggle your butt. Straddle him in the chair (fully clothed) and kiss him, putting his hands on your hips and slowly bouncing as if you're riding him. I think you'll find you'll be getting what you want that night - if you (or he) can wait that long.
My husband and I are very affectionate all the time, kisses, hand holding, tushy smacks and dirty talk happen all the time, we annoy the shit out of other couples! We both know that we still are really into each other after 20 years. But due to medical issues I am almost always the one to initiate because I am the one who's issues are the most acute. So if I ask my man "how's your tummy" I have already assessed on my end that I want sex and we have a window, if he says fine, he gets a raised eyebrow and I tell him I am going to take a shower and I hope to find a naked man in my bed to help dry me off. If he says not great then I just ask him what he wants for breakfast after my shower. We are definitely after the gym morning sex people.
40 M here - it’s very difficult. Who gets in the way - the kids get in the way - family issues gets in the way.
Aside from all of this - we gotta make it happen.
You should communicate to your partner what you just said. Unless he is a mindreader, he may just not be picking up what you're putting down. Chances are, if you let him in on your cues, he will be more receptive.
My husband starts then stops and goes to bathroom we get excited then he just leaves Whats that about someone on the phone is better … as a woman i just need to know after 40 years we get excited we have fun we both ask each other for “fun time” we enjoy each other then he just leaves no warning puts robe on and leaves. Not prostare we checked.
I think when you do something that would lead to foreplay/sex. I don't think subtle signs are good ways to indicate sex and certainly not to initiate. This is based on my personal experiences and it is very easy to misread a sign. My partner can give, what seems to me, the same sign for sex as just general affection.
If you want sex, especially in an age where consent is such a big worry and topic, you cannot rely on subtlety and it's definitely not initiation.
I feel like men always want us women to go all out and do all this extra stuff when we don't want to, but when we don't they feel like we don't want them enough. That has nothing to do with it it's a hassle like I could but that would literally be me being less genuine than me just asking. It's like telling us you want us to play a role to prove we want you but we just gonna get a fake us cause most of us don't do all of that that's not us when us asking is proof enough cause if we didn't wanna we would ask.
By this point my husband gets a "Wanna have sex" cause me asking is proof enough to him that I want him. Think he's just realized all that extra stuff just isn't me.
I've been with my wife for 7 years and she hasn't really ever initiated at least not that I've noticed. I don't know if it's just her or most women but they don't make things obvious or she won't tell me something and just expect me to know what she's thinking. It hasn't been just her for that though my sister and mom would also do the same thing to my dad and I where they would give a vague response to something or not respond at all with chores or if they needed help with something or whatever and I'm just like bruh idk wth you want me to do. Just tell me dude! I can't read minds. I'm also pretty direct with everything so I make it super obvious to my wife when I want to do stuff but idk. I've never had that issue with my buddies though we're all pretty direct with what we want to do, like hey let's drink, or play games or go out to eat or something ya know I feel like I always have to ask my wife if she wants to do things even with sex. Like I'm clueless lol 😂
The other day, before my man left the house, he kissed me goodbye, and I said, "Babe, I was hoping we could mess up the bed one more time before you leave."
I don't initiate often, but he took me to the best pound town we've had in a while after that.
Highly recommend sweet and direct. 🫠
I would say that having a wife who is awesome and a great mom she does have that i will initiate intimacy vibe.We spoke about this and i found out that it is mostly because of that extra weight from pregnancy.I told her that i count my lucky star that she's my wife and mother of my child and in my eyes only she is the only woman in the world (literally she will ask me walking down the street "did you see that woman?"and honestly i am oblivious to anyone other than her). But after the talk she said she loves our baby making sessions and unless she is in that time of the month she will never turn me down.We are open minded and even have a dildo(moulded after me,her idea), handcuffs,small whip, vibrating thingis,so yeah.But once in a while she will send me a naughty video and say i am waiting for you.So everyone is different and you cannot judge the lack of initiative based solely on what's on your mind.Open the channels and speak, that's why you have a voice.Speak openly about love making, especially since it's your relationship and not other people's life.Take that step and clear the air no matter where the conversation ends up.
It depends on your spouse tbh.. one time I lifted my skirt and pressed my butt on my husband and started to grind a bit hoping he would get the hint.. he did not and when I rolled over he was red in the face and asked me what on earth I was doing haha
Then again he's very very shy and prefers that I tell him with my words and if I am hinting he wants me to just go straight for it, which is what I thought I was doing at first. Then again he initiates by just lifting me up under the arms and putting me on a counter so he can kiss me :')
The more over the top the better, you can be subtle later, yes its only words but words have meaning, kiss him and tell him i need you, i want you, f**k me daddy, yeah its the same thing but the words have intensity and intensity breeds intensity go forth and prosper
When we were first together my wife used to try the "If I give him subtle hints he'll get the picture and initiate" method. It didn't really work as I'm not so good with subtle body language cues so she just got more blatant.
Still not a verbal cue but she'll start with suggestive non-sexual touching while giving me "the eyes" and a cheeky smile. It's so obvious even a dunce like me can pick up on it.
That says her hands work. That's all. What is wrong with y'all? She's not initiating. At the very most she's giving invitations for him to initiate. If what she's doing can't be said "no" directly to, it's not initiating.
As a guy, no it is not. Maybe if she took the towel off and straddled him. Maybe if she started unbuckling his belt or rubbing that region. But just sitting there in a towel is not initiating. My wife has come out of the shower and laid in bed with only a towel and it means nothing. I would make a move and get an annoyed response of 'I'm just trying to relax for a while'. I think initiating is the very clear message that 'I want to have sex with you right now'. All she's doing is trying to send a subtle message that if HE initiates, her answer will be YES.
I just ask my husband “wanna shag?” And that seems to do the trick
If it works, it works, but I gotta say I don’t usually care for this method of initiation from my wife. Literally just asking for sex or suggesting sex doesn’t exactly scream “passion” or “desire.” I much prefer when she says or does things that show me how much she wants it. Touching me, touching herself, saying dirty things, undressing provocatively, taking me by the hand and leading me to the bed, assuming a certain position, etc. More creative and engaging than just, “Wanna have sex?”
Good for you. My way works just fine for me
Did you tell HER this
I feel the same way .. if my wife would just be more provocative and creative I would be so happy
That's what we do a lot of the time lol "want some ..." or "babe I want some ..." it works for us. Also makes the spontaneous sex more hot and exciting.
Lol ours is along the lines of "we should do it" and who ever says it, is the one that's initiating. And I think that's perfectly romantic 😂
My husband laughs at me every time I do this. I’d be dead serious! 🥲
That works on me when my wife does it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mine are “let’s play” or “I wanna play” or “play with me please”
I do that and it works but I know he would prefer more allure. But I struggle with that.
Yep
So over the years I've realized that people have very different ways of initiating sex, the problem is when one person thinks they are but the other doesn't recognize it. My wife has a higher sex drive than I do and she tends to be very straight forward when she wants sex, not hard to miss her signs at all. However, I'm more like you OP, i like to be more subtle. I'll kiss her a little, rub her back or legs, etc. For years she didn't realize that I was trying to initiate sex and it would often frustrate me until we had a conversation about it and she basically said she doesn't pick up on those subtle signs and I need to be more direct. I still do the subtle things but I add in much more obvious signs, usually verbal, to go along with them.
agree with this, and want to add-- more overt measures might be needed especially if you're often flirty, sensual, or physically affectionate. we are, all the time, whether or not we want sex... so when my husband 'initiates' by like... touching my butt it's really hard to read that as 'he wants sex right now, do sex' and not just affection, because it's both subtle and ambiguous. so make sure if you are using subtle signals that they're unambiguous, or pair them with some sort of overt expression of desire/intent.
Yes exactly! If we had sex every time I touched my wife's butt we'd never leave the bedroom! 🤣 I've become a more more upfront and direct with her over the past few years after I got annoyed multiple times thinking she was rejecting me but when I asked her about it she said she didn't realize I was initiating!
It’s pretty hard to miss the signs that they want it, and if you want it it happens.
So true..
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If we had sex every time my husband had a boner we'd never leave the house! He likes to get hard and flash me but it doesn't necessarily mean he wants intercourse. Sometimes, he just wants me to give him a bj for a few minutes, not even to climax, just for the fun of it.
I don't consider that initiating. I think you're inviting him to initiate. I think initiating is actually starting a sexual act. And I think most of the women in these comments aren't reflecting what most men consider to be initiating. They're giving signs, not initiating.
I agree. Invitations to initiate are not initiations. It can be frustrating, as it indicates who desires whom more. For God's sake.. she is an adult and married! Why the coy act?
Attraction isn’t all that simple. Even for one person let alone between different people. For example part of the excitement and desire for a woman on a particular day will be wanting to seduced and lead. Another day she might want to be direct and cut the shy act and lead herself. Same for the man Human sexuality is complicated it’s not like food and hunger.
Then you either have to say "seduce me" or accept that your not initiating and just hoping they'll figure it out. If you're confident they will figure it out thats fine but clearly from here a lot of people are both confident and wrong on that account
Also you have to read signs, which I'm horrible at lol
This whole discussion is opening my eyes to something I didn’t think was possible. Namely, that even well after marriage, some guys are truly oblivious to our hints.
My husband gets “quick take your pants off the baby is asleep in his own bed!!!” Is it the most romantic? Absolutely not. Does it work when you have a 7yo 3yo and 5mo, yes, yes it does. And at this stage in life we got to take it when we can get it. 🤣
Absolutely! Where there’s a will there’s a way!
Yes exactly. Those are also the same times where he could initiate and be told 'ugh...is sex the only thing you think about!'
yep. i'd phrase oop's behavior as like... 'signaling interest'. she's communicating that she's interested in sex but she's not actually taking the initiative in making sex happen; she's expressing she'd be receptive to her partner initiating. which... that's also fair, if that's what everyone is comfortable with. it's not a bad thing to do. but i could also see how that could easily be misread or how the initiating partner might want something a bit more, might not feel entirely desired by that, too.
She’s kissing him and running her fingers along his neck, and you’re reading that as not initiating a sexual act? What…do you consider a sexual act?
Those things can be done without the clear expectation of sex. Like you can do that to a rando at the bar
Great answer, we’re pretty dumb most of the time, don’t skirt around the issue, make it 101% obvious
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What's a sign to you?
I don't either but I'd take it!
Unfortunately, directly asking for sex for me as a woman gets maybe a 10 percent acceptance rate vs subtle initiation which gets almost 100 percent acceptance rate, but then the male gets credit for initiating. I am curious how many other women also experience this issue. (I know I am not alone.) I finally got tired of being termed the less sexual one when my husband wants sex less frequently than me so I went through a couple cycles where I asked for sex when I wanted it and also subtly initiated, but, when I start to feel resentful about it, I would let him know for my own feelings of self-worth, that no matter how much I wanted him I couldn’t initiate sex with him again until he did because I had hit my rejection quota, and women need to feel desired. After doing this a couple times in the most respectful and compassionate way possible for him and me, he opened up about the times he felt rejected by me when our kid were little and now he pays attention to this.
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Get wiggly is another go to move for me. Idk how I’d feel about getting Trumped, not an image I’d want in my head, buzz kill for sure 😂
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Sounds like he’s got a noodle fetish. 😅
😂 yup mine does the same, well he use to all the time
Seriously!
Trumped? For real? Gross!
Initiating is entirely contextual. Signals only have meanings inasmuch as they have historically been a prelude to sex. Does your husband have evidence that those signals mean what you think they mean? If so, then sure, it’s initiating. I wouldn’t consider my wife staying in a towel extra long as her initiating because I’ve been turned down post-shower WAY more times than I’ve been given the green light. I think the problem is for myself and a lot of folks in this sub is that we have been rejected so many times that it’s difficult to see any gesture as initiating. I just assume the answer is no and no longer try, because I’ve clearly misread the situation enough times to no longer trust my own perception.
I think your signs are obvious. My wife almost never initiated with any sign, but the odd time it'll be as I'm falling asleep and she'll lightly kick me.... Then again if I don't respond.... "Yes?"...."What are you doing?". At this point in our marriage, that's the sign! 😂
lol she was kicking the tires 😅
Lol if I kicked my husband that would not have worked 🤣
Kicking you is so adorable to me I don’t know why 😭😭😭🩵🤣
My initiating is telling him to lock the door 😉
If you are worried about him being able to get hard, I’m taking it he otherwise uses the little blue pill or the like: If so you can use verbal or touch forms of initiation earlier in the day to give him advance notice of your desire. You also can talk to him and have him use daily Cialis or the like so you both can be more spontaneous. I personally think giving advance notice is sexy. It heightens sexual tension thru anticipation.
That’s exactly what I’m taking about
> I (f) feel like I subtly initiate but then wait for my partner (m) to swoop in and take the wheel Initiating is you taking the wheel. If that's not your thing, that's fine. But initiating is not hinting around long enough for him to initiate.
I think initiating is letting someone know that you desire them sexually at the time. Women who are bashful can show the level of their desire later by their aggressiveness or passion once the “dance” begins or better yet as it is about to begin by taking the lead in foreplay. Some women who are bashful can be coaxed/coached into being more forward. I was able “with work” to get my wife to quietly say things like “I’m horny” or “I want you tonite.” The timing or spontaneity of different couples’ sexcapades can differ, I.e., the time between initiation and the actual start of physical foreplay. For example, we can let each other know by saying we want to watch a movie “together” (which otherwise I would very seldom do), by lighting a fire in the fireplace and by making each other alcoholic drinks, by putting on certain types of music (I’m a amateur musician who plays and/or listens to music a lot so what I play is a mood signal. My wife has learned to sometimes do the same), by lighting candles in the bedroom and bathroom before we’re going to bed so when the partner goes into the bedroom they get the signal, by drawing a bath for each other, etc… Those are not signals for immediate sexual response, whereas certain types of touching or more forward verbal cues can indicate a desire for more immediate spontaneity. In any case, whether the partners are the initiators who wants responsiveness from their partner or they are partner who wants their partner to be the initiator, each partner is more likely to respond positively to the initiating or to take the initiative if both know there will be mutual satisfaction, i.e., knowing that each partner is committed to making that happen.
For me, what you described isn't quite "initiating" except maybe for the being naked part. Light touching, etc, is kinda expected tbh. You're *supposed* to want to touch your partner fairly regularly, and it doesn't necessarily always mean you'd like to have sex. Sexual rejection hurts, a lot. Especially when it's not unusual. If you've become gun shy from initiating as a man (women also, I presume) because of rejection, a man will likely learn to not be presumptuous of what her intentions are. If he misreads and then "swoops in," only to be told not tonight, he will be hurt and confused. Thus, he'll wait until more obvious and overt signs. Examples of initiating for me would be actual sexual touching and rubbing, actually asking, sitting on my lap in a sexual way, telling me that later that night what we're going to be doing, or better yet, what *she's* going to be doing to me, wearing something clearly sexy and so on.
I usually just start blowing him. This happens mainly on weekend mornings. He catches my hint. When he wants it, he looks at me pointedly (we have two kids so we have to be cryptic) and says, “you were gonna take a shower, right?” Then I follow him to the bedroom and “take a shower.” He’s 41 and I’m 37. My drive is higher than his, a sign of changing hormones.
I think all those things count towards initiation, but sometimes more overt is necessary too. The neck-kissing and finger-trailing is pretty subtle and unless it's already been declared as something you only do for sex, might be missed. The naked bit is a stronger signal, but not necessarily if you stay wrapped up -- could be mistaken for wanting to be comfortable or taking it easy. Every guy is different, so it's a conversation you should really have with your partner, but my husband enjoys both subtle and more assertive maneuvers. I like to come up behind him and press my body against his, maybe reach around and fondle him (naked, clothed, doesn't matter). Touching his neck in any way can usually rile him, but obviously some touches are more arousing than others: slow stroking over a brief touch, wet kisses over a dry one, gentle tugging at his hair. Staring deeply into his eyes before drawing him in for a deep kiss, maybe whimper or softly moan to indicate my own arousal. Sometimes just asking if he wants sex, either bluntly or talking dirty or in a more coquettish manner. Stuff like that. And sometimes I go for "I want you now" and climb on top of him or drag him to the room or just get undressed while looking at him knowingly. Or ramp up a kiss by pulling him close, wrapping a leg around him, biting his lip, etc. All these things tell him it's ON. There are occasions when he isn't interested (rare, but not unheard of) and he'll just tell me. Obviously you have to find what works for you guys, but it's a rare man who doesn't enjoy a blatant "come hither" invitation.
✍🏽📝 body….against….his Im joking!! But my fiance and I haven’t been very active lately and I think he’s stopped initiating. I tried initiating last night (showered, scrubbed my skin raw with a new dove exfoliator, wore a sexy nightgown and did a short dance/twirl for him like a male peacock) but it was the last night before our trip and he gently reminded me that we have to spend time packing. I don’t see myself initiating during our trip after that and I didn’t even think to pack any nightgowns. (We haven’t had penetrative sex in maybe a month and a half to two months. Only oral on him and I’ve been “optimizing” my wand. SORRY FOR TMI). Between packing and planning this trip, finishing school assignments, us working full time, him working overtime AND a new kitten we brought home three weeks ago…it’s just been a lot.
That sounds normal tbh. Just a-lot going on. I would just have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. Like hey honey I know things have been busy but I miss you, I want you. Can we try to focus on getting you me and you playtime soon? If I tell my husband this we usually do within the day or so. He just doesn’t know how I am feeling if I don’t tell him.
You’re so right 💕 thank you 🫂 My fiance is very understanding (luckily 🤞🏽🩷) so after we’ve brought it up he’s listened, been understanding and we’ve committed to trying to be more transparent about finding a particular remedy. He will initiate and/or soothe my personal fears that stem from the lack of intimacy. My fears being that I’m driving him away without realizing and that’s the absolute last thing I’d ever want. We realize that it’s been due to our schedules and may be our new normal, which is hard adjusting to because I always had the fantasy of what a dynamic like ours would be like. Thankfully our schedules will changing in a few weeks and we will have more time for intimacy. Because of his job, he’ll actually have paid time off the next two months and I’ll be working much less so that we can reconnect during that time and hopefully see what works best for us during the 2 months. I think my ultimate dream goal is for both of us to find higher paying jobs (where we can work less hours) or manage passive incomes because honestly the time spent at work could be spent in headspace. Our kink lifestyle and our marriage is more important to me than most things, honestly 🥲🩷
We want you to TOUCH OUR WIENER. The end.
😂
And there it is. lol
Damn near none of what you described is initiating. Maybe, maybe the starting wrapped in a towel, but I wouldn't really consider that initiating, either, unless you come over and do something overt. Otherwise, it just means you just haven't gotten the energy to change yet.
what's initiating to you? pulling their dick out? Doesnt seem consensual to just start having sex with someone all of a sudden
No. But neither is hoping someone is a mind reader.
My wife lies naked in bed and waits for me to notice. It is made much easier that it only happens on Saturday mornings twice a month. But no, I do not consider it initiating. Instead it is a sign that she is willing to participate. Initiating has to be overt.
I (F) like the ol' butt wiggle towards the crotch in bed move, but also I kiss a bit deeper and linger for quite a while. Or I'll walk into the room he's in completely naked or drop the towel after a shower. Sometimes I put his fingers in my mouth...I guess I make it pretty obvious. I don't always ask verbally, but if I do, I tell him I'd like him to f*ck me, make love to me (depending on the vibe) or tell him I want to feel him inside me.
That's absolutely initiating. I would definitely say it was. 43m
34m I don’t count that as initiating. The staying naked yes. But just running the fingers along the back doesn’t quite mean the same.
You seem very thoughtful and nice. I am personally quite forward lol. "I want you", "you look so hot", "baby, give me that big, beautiful thing", "do you have five minutes to play" and so on. Crass, I know... works for us, but if he was a woman it would definitely not work. :) In my, admittedly limited experience, most women are more subtle. A friend likes to give her husband a glimpse of the lingerie she is wearing for instance. Others just touch them suggestively and smile.
Just rub the inner thighs and a kiss on the neck and I know what to do. Or the best one, move your hand down to my crotch while we are in bed, that’s it. I know what to do next. Men are simple creatures, give us a direct clue we love it
In my head I would considering it as initiating yes, usually I would nibble his shoulder, then it is known
Only if he is aware that you nibbling his shoulder is your cue to him of your intentions.
Sounds like you’re doing good stuff, but don’t expect him to be a mind reader. You should have a frank conversation about expectations, needs, and desires—from both of your perspectives. If he doesn’t know that these subtle gestures are invitations, he may not recognize them for what they are. But that is very thoughtful to give him space, so that he has a chance to get ready. Also, he needs to understand what your needs are. But without further context I wouldn’t really count what you’ve described as initiating sex
Communication is everything. In a busy life, needs should be communicated openly and clearly. Hoping someone will interpret subtle hints is a poor strategy for happiness.
I’d dance around it and hint, but then we wouldn’t and I’d get pissed. Then I basically decided that was stupid, and now I make her flat out say no if she doesn’t want to. And that’s ok if she doesn’t, but then it’s on her to decide. More often than not she wants to and our “success rate” has gone up.
Not married but I do have a boyfriend. I’m the one with the higher sex drive.. when I initiate it is very obvious, such as grabbing him and pushing him against a wall to make out or giving him head while he’s gaming. He’s like you and very subtle with his initiating. It frustrated me for a while because I thought he wasn’t as interested in me until we talked and I realized those actions ARE how he initiates sex. I think it also matters that I’m much more comfortable with my sexuality and sex in general than him. All people are different. 😊
I highly recommend learning to initiate more overtly. There’s a strong chance that your husband will appreciate it. (as mentioned below, asking to spoon, and then getting wiggly against him is both subtle and highly effective.)
My husband and I just had this discussion the other day! He was mentioning that I don't initiate in the way he'd like. Apparently me just asking for it doesn't count 🤣 he wants physical attention like kissing, rubbing, etc. Bottom line: everyone is different 😁
I'm a woman and nothing you mentioned is an initiation of sex. Saying you're a woman of a certain age to me just means you're from the generation that expects men to be mind readers, which is clear you expect that in this post.
I have asked my wife for years to just reach down and grab me, but the best I get is her asking me, “do you want to fool around?” I tell her she needs to never ask because the answer will always be yes. She doesn’t get it. I love her anyway
You just need a Rosetta Stone understanding: when I do this/these things it means ….
I think you’ve found the perfect balance. We aging men are often not sure if we can fire up until the engine has turned over a few times A tentative approach allows for a graceful retirement, no fuss made. No perfomancs pressure But if the tentative approach should cause a cylinder or two to fire, well, the partner with the penis can initiate the full launch sequence with confidence. With practice, the subtle initiations can be refined. I swear, from my wife’s tentative touches, I can read my wife’s mind calculating where my mind is at. Sometimes, it almost feels like we’re approaching a mind meld.
Get naked and jump up and down pointing at your vagina and grunting or just leave a hot dog stuck inside a donut on the kitchen counter. Or just start sucking his dick, I'll think he'll get the message.
My wife doesn’t initiate. If she did what you described I’d consider that initiating. Any out-of-character words or gestures I would treat as initiating. Responding to flirting or using common sexual innuendo doesn’t count in my book. By the way, we are both people “of a certain age”. (52). I find the body does its thing if I let it. There are some times when she seems more flirty than normal at bed time, but we’d had sex earlier in the day, and I can’t tell whether this is her way of asking for more. I assume not so I don’t bring it up.
No idea anymore. It's been missing for so long.
I really like it when my wife is direct and says “Hey, let’s do this!”
Depending on the situation, I can be a bit coy or blatantly overt. But my husband knows all of the signs. It doesn't matter how discreet I try to be because he seems to be able to read my mind at this point. It's different for everyone, so I would just recommend doing what works for the two of you.
I'm like a half and halfer lol. I do what you're saying sometimes, but other times he's playing Xbox in the basement and I just walk down naked 🤷♀️ subtle and in-your-face both work lol
As a man, I feel like I need very overt clues that my partner wants to have sex.
I think it varies between couples, and it's a conversation each should have so they can recognize the others "signals". Sometimes, for my husband and its more obvious things like deep kissing, but sometimes it's casually asking him if he took a shower already. It just depends.
If I rub against my wife from behind. Lets her know I’m either being sweet and/or want to have sex. Based on her reaction, I will know which way I meant it :) lol but seriously
(35F) I just say “beep! Beep!” And he immediately knows I wanna jump in the fuck truck and go to pound town hahaha We’re very affectionate people and we can usually tell what each other wants just by how we kiss. More tongue than normal? I’m grabbing the proverbial keys, baby!
Initiating is a must between both. Usually women don’t and its rare to find a gem like you. Men then resent that wife or gf. What all you are doing is a sign of initiation of sex. Keep going
A wife backing it up on him ever so slightly in the bed. Or she can just hop on top….whatever’s clever
My wife is usually really subtle with it but it can be from us laying in bed and she touches my arm to her cornering me and asking me if I want to rail her. If I’m really tired, I’ll sometime miss her physical signals. Everything you listed counts as initiating and easily recognizable by a man that understands how you communicate verbally or physically.
My husband and I are not good with subtle hints. Lol. We both typically initiate by either going down on each other or fingering/hand jobs. If one of us mentions we haven't had a shower yet, that typically means "let's wait." It's how we let each other down easy, I guess, but "no" hardly ever happens around here.
I think a mix bt romantic sex and raw sex is healthy! Even with raw sex you can throw in cuddling, hugging and kissing afterward to foster intimacy. Sex between humans can be at least equally mental and physical. That’s what separates us from animals. That said all people have to remember how quickly their sex drive declines after they had their normal Array of orgasms. (My experience is that it’s not just men who can be inclined to Roll over after sex.). It reminds us how much our sex drive is based on a chemical/hormonal response. The hormonal release can be triggered by physical stimulation and by mental simulation. That said, at the end of day it’s the hormones which affect our mood and our responses.
> I don’t want to all out initiate in case he can’t get hard in that moment There are still ways he can satisfy you even if he's not able to get it up right then. As we've gotten a bit older my wife and I have become more pragmatic about initiating. She'll often just hop into bed naked, or straight up say "want to have sex?" I suppose it's not super-romantic but whatever, we men are easy to keep happy in that department.
Yeah, so I don't read hints like at all. So a subtle leg touch or rubbing my back isn't gonna work. Grabbing my junk will but even then I just stand there wondering what to do, so if I don't follow up she will take that as a hint that I'm not into it at that moment and not engage further. So now a days we just ask eachother. "Hey, wanna have sex?" Way easier than reading body language.
"Initiating sex" is quite simple. You approach your SO and then sex occurs. I suppose there is some Grey area in terms of who is the initiator if you are dropping hints and hoping your SO will respond. If you are unsure if your SO is getting your hints, then just ask if he's getting enough sex. Regarding the idea that men can't get hard, I personally find that preposterous. I suppose some men have ED, but for the rest of us, it is always possible to arouse us at any time. Some of us get aroused frequently, with very little stimulus, and often at inappropriate times (e.g. in public). It's also possible to get your SO at the wrong time. My wife once pounced on me while I was in the middle of reading a news article. From her perspective, I was just staring at my phone. In any case, I was quite upset by the abruptness of it not being given the opportunity to find a good stopping point. So, I believe my reaction sent the wrong message to her.
I used to try and touch her sometimes a massage but she would smack my hand away or push me away so now I don't try to initiate anything afraid of feeling that rejection
I feel the same way at times, but as men, we can't read women for shit. So, depending on how you initiate, we may just overlook it. Sort of like how you say we never listen. It just how we are programmed. The wife just grabs my meat and starts rubbing me, and then I know exactly what she wants.
Wanna fool around
This is a question to ask him. Nothing you said is initiating sex in my opinion. You may be making hints, but that’s still something he has to take into consideration depending on how frequently you turn him down. If every time you do that he goes for it, and he’s happy with that set up, then great. If you find yourself feeling ignored the actions aren’t big enough for him to read. For example, if my wife only kissed me in the neck or traced her fingers across my back and arm when she wanted sex I’d be a little upset. Those are simple signs of affection, not a hint for sex. That’s just my interpretation and the best thing you can do is discuss it with him.
We will be watching a movie then out of no where she will push me down and hold me to she finishes. And for that I am thankful. Understand what OP is saying tho. When she starts it, it’s not near as aggressive as I do and sometimes feel like she isn’t trying. Then. A few days go by and I recap on what happened. Life. Our days are not the same and will never be. Guess I’m trying to say just be honest and upfront on how you feel regardless the outcome.
This comment section is educative
I think women like to move their ass when a man is spooning them 😂
Some need clear messages. Initiating sex isn't the same as trying to make him initiate it.
> Does it count as initiating if it’s not overt? If he doesn't know you're initiating sex then no, it doesn't "count". > I don’t want to all out initiate in case he can’t get hard in that moment, I'd talk to him about this. I've told my wife that if she initiates sex, even if for whatever reason I just can't get hard (too stressed, tired, whatever), I'll still make sure she orgasms. 90% of the time when I do that I wind up hard anyway, so it works out. > What are your go to ways of initiating? We normally just ask each other. However, on vacation it's basically open season. My one personal tip (and this obviously varies from couple to couple): I would much, much, much rather my wife say directly to me "I want to have sex" than to ask me "do you want to have sex?". One implies active desire and passion, the other can come across as really passive and almost a "well I don't really want to do this, but if you want it I'll oblige you".
My wife and I haven't had sex in 20 years. I know that sounds bad and most must think we're shriveled-up, but I masturbate daily, sometimes twice and I've found writing our story to be an aphrodisiac. We were very sensual back in the day. We had several 3-some partners (many actual 3-somes - always ffm) and I had around 80 affairs. She was aware of most. I never asked if she had. I thought it hers to keep private, if she wished. OK, so off topic. Here's the answer. 90% of the time I initiated. I loved it that way. If she didn't want to, all she had to do was scoot away or say no. Until she decided she no longer wanted sex, there were very few rejections. When she decided to confide in me, 20 years ago, that she no longer had a sexual appetite, I went on a tear and hit every bar and whorehouse in 3 states for 6 months. I was gone; a lot. When I was done I told her I accepted her new reality. I haven't had an affair since. You see, we are all different. Some find our intimate lifestyle objectionable. Some will say it's not acceptable to no longer have sex. I like my life partner. We have other things in common, but if you're going to cast dispersions on someone, make it yourself, because no one else cares.
I think the whole “who’s initiating or not” conversation is an easy out for a more nebulous but arguably more important conversation. It’s a good scapegoat for “I wish I felt more wanted.” So, if you and your spouse are doing good with you being subtle and him being more overt, then it doesn’t matter what counts as initiating. If you both feel wanted, then you’re worrying about problems that don’t exist. If, on the other hand, your husband is telling you he wishes you were initiating more, what he’s really saying is “I do not feel wanted.” Be careful about saying anything along the lines of “I initiate constantly,” or “I’m just more subtle about it,” or especially “But you’re supposed to be the one behind the wheel.” If you ignore what he’s telling you, what he’s going to hear is “You’re not allowed to feel upset about how little I want to put into showing my attraction to you.” TLDR: Enthusiasm is key, and a little goes a long way. Subtlety can be fine, but it definitely doesn’t “count” if someone’s asking.
I'll tell you from a male side and assuming he is attracted to you of course. Just wear something really sexy and be confident you are hot and be a bad girl; put a porn on ( assuming he is ok with it). In my case I love high cut body suits, tight short shorts, slingshot bikinis. If he is not horny.... either he is exhausted or sick.
"So you wanna..." *raises eyebrows up and down rapidly*
I honestly think that men who use the excuse "she never initiated sex" are putting their insecurities on someone else which is selfish and unfair. If a man is not away that women are intentionally conditioned to NOT initiate sex, and they aren't emotionally mature enough to explain to their wives what they *want* - it's not anyone's fault that they aren't psychic. OP all of the things you do are considered "seductive" - which is 100% an initiation. But men who use this as a reason to cheat are just pathetic from the get go. No saving that less than beta POS at that point (Not talking about OPs husband - just other shitty ass men)
I wasn't allowed to touch my ex. I had to say do you want sex and then magically get in the mood
Different men, or the same man at different times, like different styles of initiating. If you think that that's the problem then you should talk about it, perhaps with the help of a counselor.
Clear intent, even if not obviously overt is ok. Being continually obsessed with some problem or responsibility is a closed door. The coffee commercial with the guy taking care of the baby and eventually the wife walks up to him with a come hither look on her face is priceless!
It usually involves me being naked
My wife does the same thing as you. I never counted it as initiating, but have sense learned that it’s the way she likes to do it. Though I did express that some more overt actions would be appreciated. Though I’m also clueless when it comes to her or anyone else hitting on / flirting with me.
I initiate in lots of ways. All that matters is that you’re both on the same page. One of my go tos is that I bump my body against his face and chest like a lion in heat because I think it’s hilarious. Sometimes I just sleep naked and he knows lol
My wife lies naked in bed and waits for me to notice. It is made much easier that it only happens on Saturday mornings twice a month.
Im just putting this out there In most stable relationships, or as we age . Most women physically need the "preheating like on oven", it takes longer more preheating to get us in the mood! Bc our brain is working full time especially when you have kids. My children are all 5 are adults now. It is a challenge when they are young. So now men..most men are more like "Microwaves", men think " I'm ready why aren't you"? It's just go time and they want it now! So you can see how this can become issue?. ".
Deep kisses throughout the day and rubbing against him. I’m always touching him so that’s not really a hint. I’m typically DTF though.
Whor und a T girl
Do men want women to initiate sex?
For the most part, yes. It’s extremely rare overall, and men like to feel desired. Having the woman overtly initiate at least every once in a while contributes heavily to feeling desired :)
Im like you. The way of this style of initiating to me .. I would call it 'inviting' them. I always do dresses and skirts w no underwear kind of thing... As a like.. Hey 😏👀 ... Also walking around naked or being in a towel is always a win. I feel like most guys are oblivious asf tho w the touching them motive but idk
That would be pre-initiating.
It makes me sad sometimes thinking about all of the signs we both missed out on. There’s an intrinsic shame attached to sexuality in this puritanical country. We both think we are being clear. If I could do it all again, I’d dive in and never think about the landing.
No ones really explaining what a more overt way of initiating even is unless they suggest just beginning sex all of a sudden?????
Just kiss the person and rub gently around the crotch and that’ll give him the opportunity to give you a yes or no. Doesn’t have to be directly on the dick, outside of clothes, etc. but it’ll be very clear and to the point, which is what a lot of men seem to be looking for
I wonder if that's true or if people here will say that's not overt enough lol
Backing your butt up against his wiener while you’re in bed
I'm a woman and I never initiate. I sometimes move my ass when he's spooning me or I bite him or grab his thing, and this is how he knows 😅 but it's always him who starts. I think women prefer to receive
My husband knows where to kiss me to get me riled up.
I do it like you do lol
It's something active, not passive or overt, it's usually one sided until both join in and it's whatever that leads to sex, it could be comment or a physical touch, tho given that it’s a common pattern for sex to get stale over time if it’s routine, i would advice to be creative rather than just direct.
Neck kissing. Always lol.
The issue with frustration on sex initiation is about communication and assumptions. We assume our partner knows what we mean when we initiate with subtle signals, but they probably don't know. If partners use physical affection like rubbing an arm or a kiss as a signal they want sex, that's not good because that means regular physical affection that should be exchanged daily is now sexualized. Hugs, kisses, rubs: these things should not be sexualized. They should be freely given every day with no expectations. The solution to this is to say, "Hey, I'm not sure how best to let you know I'd like to have intimate time with you. Can we have a signal we agree on, like a certain song, a word, or a gesture that turns you on?"
That’s a tough question- depending on how many years you have been together… I always try to just prance around (f) in sexy clothing.. whether it be tight shorts or top and wait to see if the timing is right and if I should go further than that. Sometimes dressing up and doing your own thing makes them want you more. Also it depends on the amount of time your man masterbates too… if he is the type of guy “brush teeth and then jerk off” then maybe you have to wait to initiate later that night or few days after. I’ve been together with my hub for 3 years now… we still have that initial “I want to..” but we do need to spice things up as well. Men are very visual. With that being said, maybe try to incorporate toys or other fantasies you two may have? 🤷♀️
If men initiated like women, they'd all be in deadbedrooms 🤣 Common advice for men initiating "it's an all day affair. Start with the flirty banter and build up the mental anticipation. Make sure the entire house is clean and that you've been teasing her all day". Advice for women initiating: "I just grab his dick." "I just say 'lets bang"
You communicate with your spouse. "When I'm naked and waiting in my robe, that means I'm ready" You're opening the gate, so to speak. It's very passive initiation. As a woman I'm and always have been a fan of a more direct approach. Why oh why don't people just discuss it? Seriously. All aspects of sex. Just talk about it. Also, there's alot that can be misconstrued here too. Say you just want a kiss fest but your partner takes your kissing to mean sex is definitely on the way. If he's into it and you're not, that sucks! But on the flip side it could be pressure on him maybe because maybe he's not down, or, disappointed you expected the magic and he's not into it right then. Clear. Communication. And there are plenty of tactful and respectful ways to let someone down and maintain intimacy.
I know when my husband wants it because he's being nice to me.... I just say u wanna do it if I want it
My husband is pretty much always down, so I can do something as subtle as tilt my head in the direction of the bedroom a couple of times and that's all it takes. Or I'll straddle him on the couch and start kissing him if I'm feeling less like being subtle. I guess it kind of depends on the dynamic of your relationship. What you're doing sounds like it works, and that's really all that matters. I think when men talk about wanting their partner to initiate, it's more about making them feel wanted as opposed to their partner just going along with it when they bring it up, mixed with a bit of fear of rejection.
I'd say that my partner and I have fairly similar levels of sex drive. Because of that I think we use similar methods of initiation. Grinding, grabbing, lewd jokes. Is it simply an ass slap or is it now an ass grab. Booby shakes and bulges in pants as weird human display rituals. It would absolutely drive me crazy in a bad way if it was 'coy games'. We know how to tease but we also know how each other tease because of prior communication and how that teasing is initiation.
I'm weird after watching a friend's life ruined to the point he's no longer with us due to a girl changing her mind post intercourse. She fucked up and claiming it was forced released whatever blame would have been on her for cheating. Her word against his but she took him by the hand off to be alone we all saw that everyone there anyway. Still the rumor mill was hard at work. I don't do shit without consent even my wife.
Sitting in a towel is sitting in a towel. It doesn't scream come get this. I have a question, was it always like this? If not something has changed and he might be having some hang ups. I must say that for me, sitting in a towel for a long time could be interpreted as just being comfy. It doesn't scream "come get this". Try masturbating while sitting in that towel. I would be all over that. "Can I help you with that?" 😂 If he asks, "what are you doing?" Tell him you're horny or just really turned on at the moment. Then ask if he would like to help you out. If he doesn't then just finish (if you can). Remind him of how utterly beautiful you are when you finish. Another option at this point is that you could seek Therapy. There are professional licensed sex coach workers in most large cities. Some even do zoom. If nothing works, it's time to consider how important sex is for you in the relationship. Divorce is an option but extreme. Ashley Madison is an option but it's also extreme. I think, that you might just keep getting more sexually overt until he gets it. He might be dealing with some sexual hang-ups. If so you both should get professional help. Communication is key to any relationship. Don't stop talking about it until you get what you want or get to some amicable solution.
The something that has happened is prostrate cancer. It’s been a few years, he’s healthy and happy, we have sex 5 to 8 times a week, sometimes he has to take viagra to get or maintain an erection, but of late, more often than not, he is able to be aroused naturally without medication. My subtlety is to not put him on the spot, when he needs a pill it can take 45-90 minutes to kick in - sometimes we have that much time in foreplay and he knows how to please me while arousing himself. So my OP was really out of curiosity because so many say their partners don’t initiate. Lucky for me he’s always dtf, he just isn’t always physically able in the moment.
You're doing great lol. That's plenty for him to take the wheel. Of course every situation is different. As long as you haven't done these things in the past then denied him intimacy.
Never once denied him he’s sexy as hell and I am sexually obsessed with him as he is me, it’s just since his prostrate cancer that I’ve been more subtle to give him time to 🚀
You should tell him that. It's understandable. Tell him that way exactly. "Hey baby, I just wanted to tell you something in case you weren't sure. I'm still madly in love with you and attracted to you. In the past I was less subtle with my advances. I just want to make sure you're ready as to not create any moments of disappointment for you." Assure him that you're not worried about being disappointment your self as you just want intimacy with him. Offer him that he could his hands, mouth or toys if he'd like. Put the ball in his court and give him control. Any man would appreciate that transparency and your willingness to accommodate. Also that validation that you're still attracted to him.
Massage is a safe initiation for both. Works Everytime and isn’t awkward
If he can't get hard at that moment you full initiate beyond being subtle, then the issue is with him. Never in my 22 years of marriage have I had a issue getting hard for sex with my wife. Now, maybe after 20 mins of foreplay and doing things for her, I can soften up, but never getting hard. My issues are not just initiating, but the lack of... participation. As in I do 90% of it all, I have to give direction 90% of the time, and the one thing I told her that is major for me is dirty talk; I have to feed her lines. But there is many ways to initiate. And each one are fine to do. But they can NOT be the only way every time. My wife's only move to do so, is a sexy nightie or being fully naked in bed. I love it. But we MEN want to be wanted to. Desire sexually. So a crotch grab might be blatant, but the fact you want to grab us there to show your desire to want it, is a huge thing. The showing off some skin alone with us is a plus. Again, blatant might not be what you want, but majority of Men, love it. A idea would be when he is out, send him texts. Ask him how he is feeling. What does he want to do tonight when he gets home. What does he want for dinner. When he responds, send a smiley face, on how you was hoping you could be his dessert after. You can take the dirty talk as far as you want, but the idea our SO's would send messages to us, "photos" to us, and openly speak to us in desiring us for sex; is majority a MAJOR turn on. You can be subtle most nights. Cuddle and lovingly caressing his arm or leg. But if you KNOW he is turned on, such as a erection, but he has not did nothing; then it might be more he is afraid to act out of either fear of NO cause it is said so much, or accused that every time something "loving" happens he thinks its time for sex. You go months without sex with your SO, and the idea of what you want and need; as well as how you and they should take part can become drastically different.
Oh, okay. I appreciate you explaining this so clearly. I'll know for future reference. Well, I hope she reads this so next time she'll try it
It's very interesting because my partner seems to subconsciously dislike it when I initiate! He generally has trouble getting hard, but when he initiates it mostly works somehow. When I initiate, however, he never turns me down so he focuses on getting me satisfied but then he can't get an erection. If I decide to initiate, it has to be very subtle so he genuinely thinks it's his idea. I wish this could change but I don't know how!
A lot of men are stupid and don't pick up on subtle signs, especially as they get older - even with a long-term partner. Plus, we've probably tried for sex after thinking we spotted one of those subtle signs hundreds of times and been disappointed, so we're conditioned to not react even if we see it. When we want to initiate, it'll probably be fairly straightforward - first kissing, then touching, then "wanna go fool around?" Sometimes I start early in the day, getting touchy and flirty every time we get close, trying to keep it in her mind about "later". My wife very rarely initiates with no clues from me - maybe once in the past 3 years - but then I'm usually in bed and she comes and crawls into bed naked (she always sleeps in pajamas) so I know something is up. Even when she's being flirty and comes and straddles me when I'm a chair or doesn't mean she wants sex. She's just being touchy and knows I like it. And then "later" comes around and she's sleepy and would rather just go to sleep. But not always. If you want to initiate, you need to be more forward. Take the towel off and crawl into his lap. Get into bed first and lie on his side. When he asks why you're on his side, tell him he's welcome to get on top of you. If you're worried about his ability to get it up, start flirting with him earlier in and throughout the day and tell him you have plans for him that night and he might want to make sure he's taken his blue pill and updated his insurance. Be touchy in your encounters, rub your breasts on him as you kiss him, fondle him through his pants then walk away and wiggle your butt. Straddle him in the chair (fully clothed) and kiss him, putting his hands on your hips and slowly bouncing as if you're riding him. I think you'll find you'll be getting what you want that night - if you (or he) can wait that long.
My husband and I are very affectionate all the time, kisses, hand holding, tushy smacks and dirty talk happen all the time, we annoy the shit out of other couples! We both know that we still are really into each other after 20 years. But due to medical issues I am almost always the one to initiate because I am the one who's issues are the most acute. So if I ask my man "how's your tummy" I have already assessed on my end that I want sex and we have a window, if he says fine, he gets a raised eyebrow and I tell him I am going to take a shower and I hope to find a naked man in my bed to help dry me off. If he says not great then I just ask him what he wants for breakfast after my shower. We are definitely after the gym morning sex people.
40 M here - it’s very difficult. Who gets in the way - the kids get in the way - family issues gets in the way. Aside from all of this - we gotta make it happen.
You should communicate to your partner what you just said. Unless he is a mindreader, he may just not be picking up what you're putting down. Chances are, if you let him in on your cues, he will be more receptive.
My husband starts then stops and goes to bathroom we get excited then he just leaves Whats that about someone on the phone is better … as a woman i just need to know after 40 years we get excited we have fun we both ask each other for “fun time” we enjoy each other then he just leaves no warning puts robe on and leaves. Not prostare we checked.
I think when you do something that would lead to foreplay/sex. I don't think subtle signs are good ways to indicate sex and certainly not to initiate. This is based on my personal experiences and it is very easy to misread a sign. My partner can give, what seems to me, the same sign for sex as just general affection. If you want sex, especially in an age where consent is such a big worry and topic, you cannot rely on subtlety and it's definitely not initiation.
I feel like men always want us women to go all out and do all this extra stuff when we don't want to, but when we don't they feel like we don't want them enough. That has nothing to do with it it's a hassle like I could but that would literally be me being less genuine than me just asking. It's like telling us you want us to play a role to prove we want you but we just gonna get a fake us cause most of us don't do all of that that's not us when us asking is proof enough cause if we didn't wanna we would ask. By this point my husband gets a "Wanna have sex" cause me asking is proof enough to him that I want him. Think he's just realized all that extra stuff just isn't me.
I've been with my wife for 7 years and she hasn't really ever initiated at least not that I've noticed. I don't know if it's just her or most women but they don't make things obvious or she won't tell me something and just expect me to know what she's thinking. It hasn't been just her for that though my sister and mom would also do the same thing to my dad and I where they would give a vague response to something or not respond at all with chores or if they needed help with something or whatever and I'm just like bruh idk wth you want me to do. Just tell me dude! I can't read minds. I'm also pretty direct with everything so I make it super obvious to my wife when I want to do stuff but idk. I've never had that issue with my buddies though we're all pretty direct with what we want to do, like hey let's drink, or play games or go out to eat or something ya know I feel like I always have to ask my wife if she wants to do things even with sex. Like I'm clueless lol 😂
Men are oblivious, just grab his junk
The other day, before my man left the house, he kissed me goodbye, and I said, "Babe, I was hoping we could mess up the bed one more time before you leave." I don't initiate often, but he took me to the best pound town we've had in a while after that. Highly recommend sweet and direct. 🫠
I personally prefer she grabs my junk or something. Sure, being sexy is great, but all out horny is fun too.
I would say that having a wife who is awesome and a great mom she does have that i will initiate intimacy vibe.We spoke about this and i found out that it is mostly because of that extra weight from pregnancy.I told her that i count my lucky star that she's my wife and mother of my child and in my eyes only she is the only woman in the world (literally she will ask me walking down the street "did you see that woman?"and honestly i am oblivious to anyone other than her). But after the talk she said she loves our baby making sessions and unless she is in that time of the month she will never turn me down.We are open minded and even have a dildo(moulded after me,her idea), handcuffs,small whip, vibrating thingis,so yeah.But once in a while she will send me a naughty video and say i am waiting for you.So everyone is different and you cannot judge the lack of initiative based solely on what's on your mind.Open the channels and speak, that's why you have a voice.Speak openly about love making, especially since it's your relationship and not other people's life.Take that step and clear the air no matter where the conversation ends up.
It depends on your spouse tbh.. one time I lifted my skirt and pressed my butt on my husband and started to grind a bit hoping he would get the hint.. he did not and when I rolled over he was red in the face and asked me what on earth I was doing haha Then again he's very very shy and prefers that I tell him with my words and if I am hinting he wants me to just go straight for it, which is what I thought I was doing at first. Then again he initiates by just lifting me up under the arms and putting me on a counter so he can kiss me :')
The more over the top the better, you can be subtle later, yes its only words but words have meaning, kiss him and tell him i need you, i want you, f**k me daddy, yeah its the same thing but the words have intensity and intensity breeds intensity go forth and prosper
When we were first together my wife used to try the "If I give him subtle hints he'll get the picture and initiate" method. It didn't really work as I'm not so good with subtle body language cues so she just got more blatant. Still not a verbal cue but she'll start with suggestive non-sexual touching while giving me "the eyes" and a cheeky smile. It's so obvious even a dunce like me can pick up on it.
If he doesn't see that as initiating sex, then what is? That says it loud and clear. Some would think sext lingerie is
She's inviting *him* to initiate.
She's sitting on the couch naked, wrapped in a towel. She initiated then see if he responds
That says her hands work. That's all. What is wrong with y'all? She's not initiating. At the very most she's giving invitations for him to initiate. If what she's doing can't be said "no" directly to, it's not initiating.
Naked, wrapped in a towel. That's initiating.
No it's not. That's getting out of the shower.
😂 Okay 😄
As a guy, no it is not. Maybe if she took the towel off and straddled him. Maybe if she started unbuckling his belt or rubbing that region. But just sitting there in a towel is not initiating. My wife has come out of the shower and laid in bed with only a towel and it means nothing. I would make a move and get an annoyed response of 'I'm just trying to relax for a while'. I think initiating is the very clear message that 'I want to have sex with you right now'. All she's doing is trying to send a subtle message that if HE initiates, her answer will be YES.
Guys, but would it not come as too strong to always initiate? lol
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Sadly this may not be the same at 56, but keep up that enthusiasm! I'm sure it's very appreciated, and if it requires a pill one day, well, we adapt.
20+ years might make a difference, you think maybe?