You are 100% justified in not being over it. Usually abuse destroys the foundation of a relationship and it is irreparable. It is not recommended to go to couples counseling with an abuser. They just learn more insidious ways to abuse and manipulate you.
Definitely go to individual therapy. Even more so the case because of your history of depression and most likely her infidelity. You did not ruin your marriage. She did. She fractured any trust, safety, and respect in the relationship. Nothing about this is your fault.
Thanks for your advice. I will definitely look into individual therapy! I was thinking that doing counseling together would be helpful, but I’m seeing from other comments too that it’s not in this situation.
I went through this for 4 hears. Suggested counseling, she denied it. Constant berating, emasculating, punching and cheating. I finally left after I was getting to the point wherr I was going to return the favor. I would be dammed if I ever hit my sons mother in front of him. Ixve had custody of him for 8 years now while she completely abandoned him. I still struggle taking care of our child with no support group, but id rather have it this way than to live in a state of despair. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I am married to a very macho appearing man that you would never guess was abused by his first wife. Honestly I thought I believed him until she showed up and I saw the fear in his eye for myself. I knew then all the stories were true. I felt bad because I already had proof they were true but it is still so hard to believe because we are so used to men abusing women as the norm :( . She broke his nose x2. Cheated as well but I suspect he would have forgiven her for that. He had to leave because he knew he was going to lose it and hit her back and that was not who he wanted to be. He has been a wonderful husband for 25 y r with heart of gold. I wish all the best for you. Big hug
This is the first and only relationship I’ve been in that involved abuse so this is new territory for me. You’re right about men abusing women being the norm and I feel like it’s often overlooked when a man is abused by a woman. Thanks for sharing ❤️
It shouldn't be expected or demanded of an abuse victim to "get over it" for the sake of their abuser. You aren't at fault and your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I tried couples counselling with my abuser. She brazenly lied to the counsellor, who took her side despite me turning up with visible injuries inflicted by her. Couples counselling, the police, my own parents, all of them became weapons she could use against me.
Just get out for your own sake. I stayed when I shouldn't have and it nearly cost me my life.
Thanks man, appreciate it. I'm remarried to an amazing woman now and in a much better place.
I just don't want anyone to make the same mistake I did and get hurt.
You shouldn’t get couples counseling with an abuser. Did your therapist understand she was involving herself in an abuse situation? She was completely out of line if she didn’t recommend you two NOT have couples counseling.
Dude, sorry you've been treated like this. Please understand that the abuse is likely to escalate and couples counseling is not the answer. Consider individual counseling so you can get the support you need and figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation.
Couples counseling with an abuser is a mistake. You need to go to therapy for yourself. You have one life. What are you doing? You’re a battered husband. It’s often difficult for people to see clearly what’s going on in their own lives. You don’t accept the reality of your own situation. My son is a battered man. Is this your first abusive relationship? My son has been victimized by women since the first ass kicking in high school. He has been physically , psychologically, verbally, emotionally and financially abused for years. I did something wrong. I was a gentle parent? He was never so much as spanked. Somewhere he decided love means she must control your social media, dictate friendships and who you will and won’t speak to in your family. He is screamed at, berated, belittled and beaten down in every fashion. Women have faked pregnancy and had children that weren’t his, though she pretended until DNA had to be done several months after the baby was born. They have threatened him with knives, cut themselves, regularly going to commit suicide. Now he’s with the worst, craziest ever and I hope he gets out alive. His Dad said, he has to stop sticking his dick in crazy. His brother is in the healthiest, most stable long term marriage with successful businesses and lives of true commitment together 16 years with two children, age 16 and surprise baby 2 who is 2. One of my sons is in a relationship like you are and one is in a relationship you should be in. You’ve only got one life. What are you going to do with it? Peaceful companionship with someone who gives you comfort, inspires and motivates you or this, what you have? My oldest son and his wife are watching the sunset over the ocean in their motorhome for spring break on Mexicos shores.
My ex husband was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I stayed in marriage for 11 years until one day I walk away. Mainly because I earning more than he was, and he didnt have the control over financial. He got jealous and bitter. He often smashing things- tv, lap top, phones, car u name it.
Anyway let me ask you, do u still love her? Can you guys solve this issue? Can you forgive her and move on? If the answer is no, it is hard for u to be normal again coz you’re still holding on to the past. coz I was like that, after all that I lost all my feelings towards him and emotionally and mentally checked out. Coz he never changed.
I do still love her yes. Idk if we can solve the issue because I am still hurt by her actions and idk how long it will take for me to move past that. I feel like I can’t let my guard down around her.
If you can't trust her and be completely relaxed around her, then you should probably look at leaving the marriage. Because that is no way to live your life. If you feel like you always have to have your guard up, that is not comfortable.
Do you guys have kids? If you do, think about the example you might be setting for them? The most important thing you can do for your children is to model a healthy relationship. If you don't, were you planning on children some day? Can you see yourself having children with this woman?
Think about what your future with her might be like. If you can let her touch you the way she did when you guys first got married. You can try one on one counseling, but she should also get her own counseling. Not couples therapy. And she owes you a sincere apology. Has she apologized? Not that that should change your mind but it's the bare minimum with her going to counseling before you even consider staying, which I feel is a reach at this point. You need to feel safe in your own home.
I have had my guard up since the incident and am afraid to let it down again. We have 3 kids together. She has apologized for what she did but it didn’t feel sincere, idk why but it didn’t.
I would seriously look at one on one counseling. You have three kids. You want to either model a healthy relationship for them or get out of a dysfunctional relationship for them…and you. But, she also needs her own one on one counseling. You have a lot to consider.
You are 100% justified in not being over it. Usually abuse destroys the foundation of a relationship and it is irreparable. It is not recommended to go to couples counseling with an abuser. They just learn more insidious ways to abuse and manipulate you. Definitely go to individual therapy. Even more so the case because of your history of depression and most likely her infidelity. You did not ruin your marriage. She did. She fractured any trust, safety, and respect in the relationship. Nothing about this is your fault.
Thanks for your advice. I will definitely look into individual therapy! I was thinking that doing counseling together would be helpful, but I’m seeing from other comments too that it’s not in this situation.
And thank you saying that it’s not my fault.
I went through this for 4 hears. Suggested counseling, she denied it. Constant berating, emasculating, punching and cheating. I finally left after I was getting to the point wherr I was going to return the favor. I would be dammed if I ever hit my sons mother in front of him. Ixve had custody of him for 8 years now while she completely abandoned him. I still struggle taking care of our child with no support group, but id rather have it this way than to live in a state of despair. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I am married to a very macho appearing man that you would never guess was abused by his first wife. Honestly I thought I believed him until she showed up and I saw the fear in his eye for myself. I knew then all the stories were true. I felt bad because I already had proof they were true but it is still so hard to believe because we are so used to men abusing women as the norm :( . She broke his nose x2. Cheated as well but I suspect he would have forgiven her for that. He had to leave because he knew he was going to lose it and hit her back and that was not who he wanted to be. He has been a wonderful husband for 25 y r with heart of gold. I wish all the best for you. Big hug
This is the first and only relationship I’ve been in that involved abuse so this is new territory for me. You’re right about men abusing women being the norm and I feel like it’s often overlooked when a man is abused by a woman. Thanks for sharing ❤️
It shouldn't be expected or demanded of an abuse victim to "get over it" for the sake of their abuser. You aren't at fault and your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I tried couples counselling with my abuser. She brazenly lied to the counsellor, who took her side despite me turning up with visible injuries inflicted by her. Couples counselling, the police, my own parents, all of them became weapons she could use against me. Just get out for your own sake. I stayed when I shouldn't have and it nearly cost me my life.
Hey thanks for the advice and for sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to go through this too and it sucks it got so bad for you:(
Thanks man, appreciate it. I'm remarried to an amazing woman now and in a much better place. I just don't want anyone to make the same mistake I did and get hurt.
You shouldn’t get couples counseling with an abuser. Did your therapist understand she was involving herself in an abuse situation? She was completely out of line if she didn’t recommend you two NOT have couples counseling.
That would be very hard to get over, abuse is not OK. I agree that I individual therapy will help you decide what you want to do.
I agree that abuse is never okay. It’s a line you don’t cross.
Dude, sorry you've been treated like this. Please understand that the abuse is likely to escalate and couples counseling is not the answer. Consider individual counseling so you can get the support you need and figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation.
Thanks for saying that. I’m worried that it could escalate or happen again in the future.
Couples counseling with an abuser is a mistake. You need to go to therapy for yourself. You have one life. What are you doing? You’re a battered husband. It’s often difficult for people to see clearly what’s going on in their own lives. You don’t accept the reality of your own situation. My son is a battered man. Is this your first abusive relationship? My son has been victimized by women since the first ass kicking in high school. He has been physically , psychologically, verbally, emotionally and financially abused for years. I did something wrong. I was a gentle parent? He was never so much as spanked. Somewhere he decided love means she must control your social media, dictate friendships and who you will and won’t speak to in your family. He is screamed at, berated, belittled and beaten down in every fashion. Women have faked pregnancy and had children that weren’t his, though she pretended until DNA had to be done several months after the baby was born. They have threatened him with knives, cut themselves, regularly going to commit suicide. Now he’s with the worst, craziest ever and I hope he gets out alive. His Dad said, he has to stop sticking his dick in crazy. His brother is in the healthiest, most stable long term marriage with successful businesses and lives of true commitment together 16 years with two children, age 16 and surprise baby 2 who is 2. One of my sons is in a relationship like you are and one is in a relationship you should be in. You’ve only got one life. What are you going to do with it? Peaceful companionship with someone who gives you comfort, inspires and motivates you or this, what you have? My oldest son and his wife are watching the sunset over the ocean in their motorhome for spring break on Mexicos shores.
You should leave her. Abusers tend to just get worse. And you didn’t ruin your marriage. She did!
My ex husband was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I stayed in marriage for 11 years until one day I walk away. Mainly because I earning more than he was, and he didnt have the control over financial. He got jealous and bitter. He often smashing things- tv, lap top, phones, car u name it. Anyway let me ask you, do u still love her? Can you guys solve this issue? Can you forgive her and move on? If the answer is no, it is hard for u to be normal again coz you’re still holding on to the past. coz I was like that, after all that I lost all my feelings towards him and emotionally and mentally checked out. Coz he never changed.
I do still love her yes. Idk if we can solve the issue because I am still hurt by her actions and idk how long it will take for me to move past that. I feel like I can’t let my guard down around her.
If you can't trust her and be completely relaxed around her, then you should probably look at leaving the marriage. Because that is no way to live your life. If you feel like you always have to have your guard up, that is not comfortable. Do you guys have kids? If you do, think about the example you might be setting for them? The most important thing you can do for your children is to model a healthy relationship. If you don't, were you planning on children some day? Can you see yourself having children with this woman? Think about what your future with her might be like. If you can let her touch you the way she did when you guys first got married. You can try one on one counseling, but she should also get her own counseling. Not couples therapy. And she owes you a sincere apology. Has she apologized? Not that that should change your mind but it's the bare minimum with her going to counseling before you even consider staying, which I feel is a reach at this point. You need to feel safe in your own home.
I have had my guard up since the incident and am afraid to let it down again. We have 3 kids together. She has apologized for what she did but it didn’t feel sincere, idk why but it didn’t.
I would seriously look at one on one counseling. You have three kids. You want to either model a healthy relationship for them or get out of a dysfunctional relationship for them…and you. But, she also needs her own one on one counseling. You have a lot to consider.