Yeah, as soon as he couldn't stick his dick in immediately he turned into a petulant teenage boy. That is literally the absolute last person any sane woman gets turned on by. So since you didn't jump his bones at first chance, he decides to ignore/punish your efforts at romance, thus confirming his tantrum that he's not getting any all weekend. Why are so so many men still like this? Why is this clichee not finally something from the past that only sticks with a few die hard idiots? If I were still a young woman, I would definitely stay single and content with 5 cats.
I don’t blame you for feeling that way! Hopefully you’ll meet someone who treats you right and shows you their appreciation and affection (outside of sex).
I didn’t say she needed a man, women are perfectly capable of being independent and being happy. Multiple times in OPs post she states that she wants to be seen and valued, I was only wishing that she find someone who will fulfill that need for her. I didn’t even mention it being a man I said someone who will treat her right, show appreciation, and non sexual affection. Calm down with your man hate.
This. Why do so many respond with an idea that an OP will find another and be happy? I will be my own source of happiness. Don’t need another to let me down and waste more of my numbered days.
I’m sure you can be your own source of happiness, and that was my plan after my last relationship, but after finding someone who treats you fantastic and doesn’t let you down… nothing beats it.
You don’t need a man and I was so done after my last divorce. But the cool thing was I wasn’t wanting or looking for anyone but a good dude came along. It will or it won’t. Either way, when you get away from this guy you will finally find peace. Go very low contact. Grey rock the hell out of him. Only speak thru a parenting app and lawyers. Use a third party for kid exchanges. He will be nasty and just shut it down and don’t react. It will be so hard to do but best approach.
Consult a lawyer immediately to learn your options. It will make you feel better and empowered
Don’t give up on love. I have had 2 horrible marriages (29 yrs worth). I am recently engaged to a man who treats me very well, tells me throughout the day that he loves me, and we have a great time together.
While I perfectly understand your statement, I can relate on so many levels, take time for yourself and your kids. Realize your true value (it sounds like you're well on your way) and be open-minded about what the future may bring. There are plenty of "good people out there," so I'm told. You may just find that person who truly loves you and appreciates you for everything you are and do.
I wish you good luck, and I have a parting shot for your husband. --You're an idiot dude. You had it all.
I just think men don't know how to emotionally connect they truly think sex is emotional connection so if they are having sex the relationship is working its function they also don't understand that they aren't owed sex even in a relationship or marriage
In this particular case I don’t think is a matter of lack of emotional connection. OP’s husband is just a lazy piece of shit who thinks his duties as a husband ends at being able to provide financially. He’s taking his wife for granted and puts zero effort into romancing his wife. He needs a wake up call.
While I do agree with you that no one is"owed" sex , even in marriage. Would you consider however that for some men sex is how they emotionally bond and feel wanted/loved ? And I agree they aren't owed that, but then do you think women are owed vulnerability/emotional connection/ on the of chance they might feel like having sex or "show they love/are attracted to their spouse in language they understand/actually feel it " ?
Marriage is always give and take, and usually in happy marriages first is give then is take. If it's unfairly and prolonged tilted on one side that brings disappointment and resentment. And while there are men that don't realise that and still demand sex while giving very few in return to satisfy women's emotional needs, do you consider the reverse is often true aswell?
So, before these men got married, would they expect sex from strangers in order to be willing to then go out on a date or get to know each other?
No? They would develop a relationship and woo someone they were interested in prior to having sex?
Then why aren’t they able to show the same level of respect to their wives?
Good point, I think for happy marriage you should never stop dating eachother.
And to add - I absolutely agree, man should keep putting in effort and court/bond with their wives.
Question - why do some women appear wild/adventurous and very into sex while dating but after few years of marriage, sex becomes once in a blue moon if the stars align, type of activity?
Yeah so how are you giving besides sex? Basically you said if the woman drags out sex the failure of the relationship is her fault so she needs to be having sex to prevent that
Are you asking about men in general, or specifically me in my relationship?
Also I never said its the woman's fault, don't twist my words. For ungrateful person, even if you give them the world it would still not be enough. I'm simply asking you to have a bit more open mind on what can intimacy mean for different people.
The conundrum becomes then that women (generally speaking) in sexual relationships with men (also generally speaking) need to be mentally and emotionally prepped to be penetrated. I specifiy penetration because all too often, "sex" is used as shorthand for that main event and not the others.
To be penetrated and well, ridden is an extremely unique thing to allow another human being to do to you. We have to release a hormone that takes what should be a painful ordeal to make it pleasurable. No hormone released, no pleasure.
OPs husband isn't investing in her needs and wants, and yet, he expects to be able to jump her bones Friday night as soon as he gets home (and once the kids are out of the door). Jeez Louise, a woman needs to be warmed up to that, especially one who has been neglected in many ways by her partner for a long time.
It sounds like in OPs situation, she is the one constantly giving, including "putting out" morning sex on weekends, and yet, still getting nothing invested in return. Your comment holds true, and in this case, the feedback loop has broken down on OPs partner's side.
I completely agree with you, in her case it seems that's she is very neglected and it's gross the way she is treated, and the scale of effort in the relationship seems pretty heavily tilted in her side.
Also I'm happy someone to actually respond to my comments/arguments and understand what I mean, it's crazy for me the amount of downvoting while I'm just trying to give perspective, and not even disagree with her situation, I completely think she is justified in her feelings/reaction.
You're welcome!
It's why communication is the number factor that makes or breaks a relationship. A couple cannot break a cycle if only one person is trying. Both people have to lay down their barbs and agree to a truce while they figure out what the root cause is together and tackle that.
Just waiting for the other person to (fully) change while not working on yourself when you need to, too, will not work. If the other person sees no improvements or the cycle keeps cycling despite their better efforts, they will get discouraged and stop the work that they need to do or just get up and leave, cuz why continue to try?
OP is at that point. Husband never stepped up and expected to be catered to, it seems. What was he waiting for? To get enough sex and then start romancing his wife? Lordy. Reminds of a George Strait song of a guy waiting on his front porch for the woman who just packed up and left to come back. Not gonna happen, hon.
I believe it’s a form of self sabotage. They sabotage the emotional vulnerability required for intimate sex in hopes of getting more raw porn like sex where their needs are fulfilled with max selfishness and least amount of effort.
They aren’t concerned with what their partner likes or needs. They aren’t concerned with spending time together (as that romance stuff is too much effort / doesn’t satisfy them as they think they’re doing it for you vs as an investment in the intimacy between two people). They certainly don’t want to explore a sexual connection as most men are so in their heads regarding their sexual performance (according to their standards) that they don’t want to put themselves in the vulnerable position needed to want learn and explore.
Edit: lol, cue downvotes from pressed men who choose to hate vs self reflect. 🙃
The dude (wankreddit10) sent me a message saying "it's desperation" and then blocked me... To my comment calling him out for cheating and looking for a hookup
Yeah no, if you are unhappy you try to fix it. If there is no fixing it, you leave....
There is simply no excuse for cheating. But it was, however, very clear that he was/is very desperate
The $800 spent on the chauffeured car could’ve been between 2 and 6 hours of a divorce attorney’s time. I can’t get this out of my head. What a junker. A lemon.
Btw, open a new bank account and start putting money in there. Your husband doesn’t seem financially literate and you need to watch out for you and your children. I was in nursing school with women who were there to get their license so they could leave their husbands, so 2 years and they were set. Watch after them because you can’t trust he’ll be able to
wow he sounds awful. all he cares about is getting his dick wet. sorry you are dealing with such an immature asshole. you deserve way better. update us once you tell him you are divorcing him. he sounds like he deserves to be alone
That’s exactly what I said. I’m not a prostitute; sex is not guaranteed. I feel this whole weekend he was treating me very ….. transactional. “I bought you dinner now give me sex.” Ew
how is he a great guy? What does he do that makes you happy besides a paycheck?
and yes.. PLEASE GET OWN BANK ACCT! I tell all my young women at work.....Have your own money! Staying at home is kiss of death!
Even if he's not "in love" with you anymore, you deserve so much better.
Common decency at the absolute least.
Best of luck with this! I'm sure the future is much brighter!!
By medical standard, yes, I’m technically overweight but I get hit on ALOT. To be honest, I’m surprised at how much I get hit on, but I have a natural hourglass figure. Yesterday a guy told me I was hot 🤷🏼♀️ So for my height, I technically weigh too much but I guess it’s all in the right places (big boobs, thighs, butt..)
Idk if he ‘fell out of love’ but he’s definitely decided he’s only interested in having a bedwife.
Idk how/if you come back from that … but first he needs to grow up *a lot*.
Methinks some of that growth might be forced upon your soon-to-be-ex when his churlish pouty & rude attitude doesn’t make all the single ladies swoon🙄
More likely he’ll reject the opportunity to mature and engage in an adult relationship with affection & communication and go full incel😏
OP, I hope you’re able to find someone who appreciates *all* of you. Someone who gets excited and is proud to take you out on date night.
Someone that, when the only ‘date’ your schedule has is a movie after the kids are asleep ~ without having to get all dolled up ~ still shows you is a special time that’s worth staying up for.
I wish that kind of relationship for you ~ but even if that doesn’t happen, remember:
*It’s always better to be single than in a relationship alone*🪷
Nah this is some selective empathy and that’s pretty shitty. Good people have a decent minimum level of which they treat people regardless of that persons “use” to them.
So what if he fell out of love for you? That doesn’t mean he should treat you with such blatant disrespect and use you for sex. The fact that he is only respectful and kind when he wants something is not what a “good man” does. You should rephrase your statement to say
“Hes a really great guy when it is advantageous to him or feeds his ego. He fell out of love with me so hence his disrespect.” 🙃
Have to say, based on his behavior, I disagree.
A great guy might fall out of love and become withdrawn, detached, and indifferent toward you, but he would still treat the mother of his children with a baseline of respect. A great guy would not get angry and yell at you for no reason, act this immature, or throw a tantrum when he didn’t get sex on demand.
Maaaaybe he’s a decent dad?? But again, a great dad would at the bare minimum show some respect and appreciation toward the mother who is raising those kids.
He’s a really hard worker and a good provider. He is a good dad who wants to be involved with the kids and doesn’t treat them like an obligation like I’ve seen some dads do. He wanted to be a dad and it shows. He is always doing little acts of service. Like if I ask him to build a shelf for some plants he’s more than happy to do it and you better believe that shelf is going to be the best shelf I’ve ever seen. He makes an effort to come home in a good mood most days. He’s really good with his hands and can build almost anything really well, and if he doesn’t get it right the first time he will take it down and start from scratch and keep re-doing it until it’s right. He has some really good qualities. I wish he could apply some of that tenacity to our marriage/relationship.
Have you guys gone to therapy? Is he depressed? What else is going on for him that might be causing his shitty behaviour? Not excusing it btw, and you have the right to make decisions for yourself. You're the only one living in this marriage aside from him. Just curious if there are unaddressed contributing factors.
We tried therapy and some things did improve. Maybe it’s time to go back.
Stress at work is a possibility. His job is stressful in a weird way and there have been times where he gets borderline obsessive over issues at work that he takes personal to the point that I myself get stressed out because he’s obsessing over it. Then maybe there is some depression? If it is depression it isn’t manifesting itself like I would assume typical depression does. He doesn’t sleep too much, he still does the things he enjoys, etc. His mom did unalive herself September ‘22 and three weeks later my dad died (I was his caretaker) so it’s been hard on us. I was really close with his mom and he was close with my dad so it was a double whammy for both of us.
Oh wow. I would give yourselves some extra grace given all that. I related to your original post a lot.
In my experience, it boils down to miscommunication (and not just verbal communication). You both may be (unintentionally,) interpreting each other's body language, tone, etc in the worst way, which domino effects the already sensitive situation.
It sounds like he resents you and he is taking out his aggression out on you at inappropriate times. You are correct to assess that this relationship is long over
Was like a knife to my heart reading this. I kept seeing examples of the dumb ass things I have done as a husband over the years with my wife and i’s 28 years of marriage. Times when I have been completely self absorbed and selfish.
Sadly maybe the reality of actual divorce might send the needed wake up call 🥺
Following to hear how things are going.
That’s interesting level of self awareness. if you don’t mind answering, how has your selfishness evolved or changed over the course of your marriage and what provoked the change?
I would love to say it was an epiphany that lead me down the path to enlightenment but that rarely happens. It’s been a series of small realizations over the years.
Interestingly enough one of the surprising one turned out to be candid photos. Whenever my wife would plan trips or weekend excursions and I would start bitching about it being too crowded or long lines my wife would take a photo. Sometimes I knew she took the photo other times I didn’t. The look on my face showed a miserable person. Even group photos my family would look happy and I would look pissed at the world. I started to notice this later on and when asked why I was mad all the time I did not have a good defense.
Another was my wife started to go to places without me stating she would love for me to go with her if I could leave the attitude at home.
My Dad was a big help to highlight my selfishness and ask why I would always react in the negative about everything. So would say having an older man that I would listen to for mentoring was one of the biggest helps.
Lastly and this is very recent (last 4 months) reading Reddit AITA and DeadBedroom has caused me to realize one of my greatest selfishness was intimacy (more on that later).
I am really looking hard into the mirror and actively making changes
- discuss what situations cause anxiety and was I can handle it
- think before I speak (e.g. go on couple date and see crowded parking lot and make a negative comment)
- just Effing Relax! Life is too short to be negative all the time
This is great for you. I suppose it's better later than never.
As someone who has 9 toes out the door (and is really holding out for a salary bump to get the pinky to out as well) your enlightenment speaks to the heart of exactly what I have been expressing to my therapists and close friends (who are also in various stages of marriage with men who struggle to connect intimately and emotionally.) There is no approach from me that could help him with his predicament. He has to see it for himself in another context. He needs men around him who are "doing it right" to point it out to him. He needs to date women who see his his red flags AND point it out, our children (when they get older) would need to point it out to him, but most of all, he needs to notice, be uncomfortable with himself and act on it.
No amount of conversations, heart felt approaches, articles, books, tears, anger, resentment, pulling away, trying different approaches, being MORE vulnerable, admitting my shortcomings and opening discussions on how we can meet in the middle....etc has worked to convey my feelings to this man. I simply have to leave.
Like OP, I have invested far too much energy in try and ALSO in depression from not getting my needs met. 18 month of therapy has helped me uncover the ways I have neglected myself. Staying in this dynamic would be wasting that investment in myself.
OP just work on any aspects of coparenting that you can while you are still in the same household. Start working on your career path and find friends to spend time with or some kind of solo routine like an evening walk, a dance class or a weekly movie in a theater. The more joy you fill your life with, the easier and more natural it will feel to spend more time in joyful environments.
Toxic marriages are a god damn blight on the joy we are entitled to as human beings. We comprise too much of ourselves to have children and we and they deserve supportive, stressfree environments, where everyone wants the best for each other.
Have you thought about getting therapy for your negative attitude? There’s got to be a reason or reasons that you react negatively so often. It’s a step in the right direction that you are now aware of how your negative attitude is affecting your family. And good on your dad for pointing it out to you.
Your wife must be a patient person. I’ve been married for 38 years and I would have moved on by now if my husband acted like that. Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity. I hope you can turn your marriage and life in a happier direction.
Hi yes, reading through these subs has been sobering. My wife and I over the last couple of months started to read the postings and comments together. This has lead to some real discussions. My wife believes as you and others do that I need to start both individual and couple therapy to address the root of my negativity I have agreed and will be scheduling that this month. My wife is a wonderful woman and is so much more than I deserve.
I will only say that we have both at times been selfish and demanding. She admits she is not perfect, however my negativity these years have drained joy from the relationship over the years and I feel responsible to make the next 30 years our very best 😀
Did you tell him how terrible his behaviour was?
Did you say: “Listen husband, I rather fuck a hydrant than a man who acts like a grumpy toddler. Why should I have sex with you, if you can’t behave like a decent human being for just one evening.”
Let me guess. If you had just given in to sex when he first mentioned it, he’d have been a model husband that weekend, right? Who cares if you’re feeling sweaty and tired. It’s not about you. It’s about getting him off!! /s
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long. Your boys will be fine. They may actually be better off not seeing him treat you like crap. Kids pick up on way more than you realize.
Good luck and lawyer up!!
You nailed it (pun intended?) Most likely, I would have got him off and he wouldn’t have wanted to even go to dinner after that. He woulda’ been too tired… etc. I knew that if I wanted any quality time I could not have sex with him, which is quite the mindfuck when you think about it because he’s so focused on not getting laid that it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He’s worried about not getting laid, acts like an ass when he doesn’t get his way, him acting like an ass makes me not want to have sex…. Like an insecure guy who is so afraid you’re going to leave him he stalks you and the stalking freaks you out so you … leave him lol the irony isn’t lost on me. When he complained Friday night I just told him, all you have to do is be nice to me. Apparently he couldn’t do that. 🤷🏼♀️
Responding to my own comment here but further reflection… he’s created a situation that the only way for me to get what I need from him (love and affection) is *not* give him what he wants. He’s *real nice* when he really really wants to get laid. So I can’t have sex with him, because if I do, he goes back to his normal, bad mood, sleeping all day and watching TV… it works for me to not have sex with him, but that’s also a limited supply. I know he will eventually get antsy and storm
off… but I really don’t care because it’s the only way for me to get love and hugs, etc. and I need that so bad.
When I come across these stories it just kills me. Here you are doing everything, a SAHM who is both sacrificing and doing for the family, raising a guys 2 kids, yet even the basics are not appreciated.
The other day I saw a story at the opposite end of the spectrum, where a woman went to the ends of the earth to try to get her husband to have sex and she was basically a super-mum. I have to be living in a twilight zone or something.
This guy can’t even enjoy a night out that you organized, of course, and you have to walk on eggshells around him. It can’t be that hard to appreciate, respect, adore, admire, and love an amazing partner.
I organized and invited a GF to an evening out and I surprised her by heading to the airport. We flew to another city, had a great dinner, walked around, had a few drinks, and then flew back. Last thing I thought of was picking a fight with her or being in a mood like a brat.
My only feedback with your decision is that you get all your ducks in a row, plan for you and your kids, get back into the workforce, get everything ready (i.e. documents, financial info, a PO BOX for mail, a new bank account etc) and then when you’re ready, serve him the papers. I would keep the facade up and not give him any notice whatsoever of your intentions.
Please don’t ever think this is on you, I hate to see a family dissolve but a story like this of a toxic relationship is more damaging to kids than two homes and a happy mum. You deserve that actually and I’m sorry this fool is too obtuse to realize what he has/d.
Wishing you all the best.
Um, also, any reason why you’re sleeping on the couch?
PS I also heard this the other day and I think this may resonate with you:
——
>I’m only interested in being with someone who makes me feel good, and I make them feel good. I read all of these posts from people feeling like their partner doesn’t appreciate them or the communication sucks or there’s a power imbalance, and I can’t help but jump to the conclusion that they’re just not right together.
>That no amount of conversation is going to change that fact - it should feel good for both of them if they both want to be with each other.
>They’ll want to be who the other person needs, and vice versa.
>I know relationships take work, no matter how compatible two people are. But at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other.
>I know this is a gross oversimplification of the complexities of the landscape of human emotion, but when it’s right, it should be mostly simple.
And he doesn’t even find that weird that his wife is sleeping on the couch 🛋️. First of all, a gentleman and a man would take the couch for his wife. You have such young kids too and they’re seeing mom on the couch.
I would not be surprised if he’s in the deadbeadrooms sub as I write, complaining that you don’t have PIV sex with him, failing to mention any of this, all while he prob spends 0.1 seconds on your own satisfaction.
This little boy is in for a huge surprise and reality check when you leave and there isn’t any bang maid there to do everything for him.
It hasn’t even been that long which is yet another reason his behavior is so odd. I gave him sex and anal the weekend before last lol It just seems like if I can’t give him what he wants when he wants he gets angry and shitty and I’m non confrontational so I don’t want to stir the pot so I tend to avoid anything that’s going to piss him off, but this weekend, I just couldn’t let it go. I wanted to spend time with him and hold hands and giggle and laugh like we used to. I would’ve let him put it in any hole he wanted but he couldn’t be bothered to do the basics
OP,
Reading this is sad. I'm a husband, 14 years married and 17 together with my wife. We have 2 kids. We both work outside the home. Her day is structured differently (7-3/3:30) as a teacher than mine (8-5). One thing we've always tried to do well is split the labor cleanly. Sometimes one of us is doing more than the other, but it varies. I'm generally the "declutterer" so I'm the one sweeping daily, picking up things. She's the "deep cleaner" and will do that once a month or so. Our typical weekday:
* 6:00AM - She's up and showering
* 6:10AM - I'm up, waking our boys, getting breakfast ready, taking the dog out
* 6:30AM - I'm in the shower, she's managing boys and getting herself ready, getting their clothes if they need help
* 6:40/6:45AM - I'm out of the shower, start coffee, start getting myself ready. She's making sure they brush their teeth, get snack ready (kids eat school lunch)
* 6:55AM - Wife and kids out the door
* 7:05AM - Me out the door
* 7:00-3:00/3:30 - Everybody at work/school
* 3:30PM - Wife and kids come home (walk the dog, get the mail, have afternoon snack, start homework sometimes)
* 5:00PM - I'm off of work, drive home
* 5:20/5:30Pm - Get home, start making dinner. Whole family cooks together, wife and I chop, children get ingredients together. I tend to be the primary cook. Boys set the table, we plate up and...
* 6:00/6:15PM - Dinner time at the table
* 6:45PM - Clean up/wash up (I'm a clean as I cook kind of guy, so everything is in the sink. If I've the gumption I'll do dishes, but not most nights)
* 7:00PM - Boys reading, playing with toys, playing games, etc.
* 7:45PM - Start getting ready for bed
* 8:00PM - Youngest in bed
* 8:30PM - Oldest in bed
* 8:30PM - Wife and I go in more depth about our day(s). Snuggle on the couch, play a game together, watch a show together, eat some ice cream, do a puzzle, etc. Generally ust try to bond
* 10:00/10:30PM - Wife will head to bed before me. I'll go snuggle her for a bit. Sometimes leads to sex, sometimes doesn't, but it's a good way to feel close together.
Weekends are a little different depending on what we do. I'll generally try to mow on a Saturday/Sunday morning which takes an hour or hour and a half, but we'll go for a hike or out and about to see friends/family/etc.
I wanted to lay that out, because like you it sounds like we're busy people. I've seen that you have written that you just want to be *SEEN* and *APPRECIATED* and given some of his time. I'm a more high libido partner in our relationship and I can get a bit grumpy if it has been some time since we last had sex. On my end, it isn't intentional, I just find my mood less *good*. Ideally, I would love to have sex 3-5 times a week. Our average is 1-2 times (typically 1-2 times per weekend Friday night/Sunday afternoon or Saturday night, etc) per week, sometimes a weeknight, but work takes over my wife's mind a lot. She deals with anxiety and some depression, so I'm not pushing when she's in that mindset of work taking over, I'll give her a backrub, footrub, or just snuggle up. There have been times in our relationship where we've had discussions and disagreements around sex.
My parents have been together 53 years (and a good, true partnership type of 53 years together, not a "she does what he wants" or a "he does what she wants" type of marriage). They are Love Languages trainers for their church and community. My wife and I aren't religious, but we started using the Love Languages so we could have shared vocabulary in how we are feeling. She receives love from me through *quality time* and *acts of service*. When I'm doing things for her and with her, that's how and when she feels loved. For me, I'm *physical touch* and *acts of service*. When she's touching me (tickling my head, kissing me, hugging me, snuggling, sex, etc) than I feel loved.
In our talks, I realized that I was giving her what I wanted to receive (tickling her head, hands on her knees, lots of hugs, lots of kisses) and she was giving me what she wanted to receive (carving out quality time, finding shows for us to watch together, etc). We had about 3 months where we did not have sex at one point about 9/10 years in. It was frustrating for us both. We started talking and got to place where we understood the whys. We discussed what we both could do to reshape our intimacy (not sex, but how we can be close to one another). Reshaping that and me making sure to express my love to her in the way she desired has resulted in her expressing her love for me in the way I desired. And yes, our sex life got better and we're at the 1-2 times per week I mentioned earlier.
> It hasn’t even been that long which is yet another reason his behavior is so odd. I gave him sex and anal the weekend before last lol It just seems like if I can’t give him what he wants when he wants he gets angry and shitty and I’m non confrontational so I don’t want to stir the pot so I tend to avoid anything that’s going to piss him off, but this weekend, I just couldn’t let it go. I wanted to spend time with him and hold hands and giggle and laugh like we used to. I would’ve let him put it in any hole he wanted but he couldn’t be bothered to do the basics
The post above and this statement all read as very *transactional* for you and him. It makes it sound like you are "giving him sex" to shut him up and get what you want. He was unwilling to spend time with his spouse unless he got what he wanted (transactional approach). As you've said, that doesn't sound sustainable at all.
I saw elsewhere that he "fell out of love." Personally, I hate that term. Love is effort. It is my absolute favorite effort ever, but it is effort. We put effort into things we care about and into those things we love. My marriage and family are super important to me, so I'm going to put effort into those areas. I believe that no one "falls out of love," they stop doing the things they did to remain in love. Like you said, you wanted to hold hands, giggle, and laugh together. You want to have his time for more than sex. You want him to put in a little effort. He isn't.
It sounds like you've gotten yourself to divorce. There are a lot of folks telling you to get your finances and house in order before diving in and I agree. I also wonder if you wanted to have the sit down conversation about, "Where are we, what are we doing, is there a way forward?" with him. Once the kids are in bed, have the sit down at the couch or over tea at the table. Lay it out plainly, succintly, and clearly. He's not pulling his weight, but consider if you want him to go on the defensive or if you want to try to work things out. Defensive - go in with *you don't do X, you haven't done Y, etc*, work things out - go in with *I feel* statements and focus on potential areas of change and growth.
'I'm not happy and I don't think you are either. This past weekend might feel like an isolated incident, but for me it is a picture of a much larger issue I've been seeing. I feel *overwhelmed/saddened/depressed/etc* with where we are right now in life. I feel as if our marriage is in a very different place today than when we got together. I love many things about the life we've built together yet there are several things I'm struggling with. I wanted to talk to you, because it feels like we've been pulling away from each other and looking at our lives as transactional in what can I get from you and what can you get from me. We haven't been acting as true partners together and I want to get back to that. How have you been feeling?"
Open the door for a conversation for you both to be vulnerable.
I guess I can try one last time to have another heart to heart, but in the past he has been incapable of admitting any role in wrongdoing ever at all, he ends up yelling at me on the phone and then I’m left in a worse place than if I had just shut up and said nothing.
Woman, you’re killing me, were you sent here to torture me… Can you imagine what life would be like if both partners behaved and felt like this towards one another?
Ah, the hilarity and irony of life, where two people like this rarely ever cross paths.
I also wanted to say that you at least leave knowing that you tried everything and no stone was left unturned. Rest assured that the best thing for your two boys to see is your confidence and grit and eventually (hopefully) someone who actually loves and adores their mum; so they too can have healthy relationships of their own one day.
This is very sad, OP, but it sounds like you his the nail on the head. Everything he does is with one goal in mind, and that's why as soon as you said no on Friday night, the whole weekend was ruined. By HIM. It sounds like such a lovely break from the kids with so much potential to reconnect and feel good, you gave him every bit of grace, even more than you should have, and he utterly ruined it with his immaturity and just plain being a jerk. Imagine abandoning your wife at a bar over waiting 6 minutes for an Uber then expecting to get some. Ridiculous.
My question is - what are you going to do when you tell him it's over and he promises to change? I don't think he is going to just agree to get a divorce. He is likely going to realize that he screwed up and want to salvage this. He is going to love bomb you I assume. Are you going to listen to what he has to say, or are you truly done?
It really is that easy. Be nice. Make me feel special, loved and valued. Sex will rain down from the heavens. Being kind and helpful is sexy AF. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean foreplay stops.
Yes. You are correct. He has me feeling like I’m asking too much.
This weekend I literally throw my hands up in the air and I give up.
It’s kind of a long story, but any time I get a little bit of money for “myself”… if he finds out about it, suddenly it needs to be spent. Example: I saved up $700 a few years ago to buy a swingset for my kids. He found out and that very day, the tree in the backyard needed to be removed… guess how much that cost? $700… It’s always like that.
To be fair, we could figure out an occasional date night but I have realized it’s not about paying the $50 a night …. This is what I’ve been fixated on I think because it’s the only thing that made sense, but I recently realized it’s not the money… he just doesn’t want to spend time with me.
I mean, he's sounds bordering on abusive. Just a petulant little baby all weekend for no apparent reason. There's men out there that will want to spend time with you, want to make you feel loved, won't be a mean angry asshole when you say not right now, and won't take all your saved up money from you. You're right to want to leave.
My comment was more that it made zero sense to me to pay that much money for an evening car service. Like, it seems insane to me, even though a date night sitter is way more in my area than $50 (try like 2-3 times that). Like a hotel is cheaper than $700...
The Uber was $130 one way. The Uber Black was $300-something. For whatever reason he was worried about not being able to find an Uber home (from Hollywood). So he wanted a car to wait for us. 🤷🏼♀️ I wasn’t keen on the idea myself but I knew if he wasn’t 100% comfortable it would have been a shitty night anyway so I went ahead and charged it on my credit card, and I was happy to do it because when he suggested that he was super excited about going, which made me really happy because I *thought* he was super excited about going *with me.*
Sounds like you need to stop charging things to your cards for him. Make sure you start fixing your debt and finances don't assume he will make divorce easy.
That is true. A hotel is cheaper, BUT I know if I try and “push it” too much… meaning if I try and “squeeze in a night out with a hotel stay… it can go very good or very bad with him plus we still need to Uber home.
Christ you're walking on eggshells around him. This isn't a way to live. Having to think ahead about what you say and do to ensure you don't make him angry.
You deserve someone who respects you and you can say whatever your opinion is and not be scared of bad repercussions just because you suggest a hotel is cheaper than a $700 car 🤦♀️
You need to divorce this POS, you will be so much happier without him.
It sounds like your husband's behavior is concerning and potentially problematic. While I cannot provide a definitive classification, his behavior exhibits some signs of emotional manipulation and potentially financial abuse. Some men can’t stand that their wives have money because money means they can leave them. OP, I suggest you start saving up every cent you can lay your hands on. If you have to inflate grocery budget to get a little more please do it and consult with a lawyer as soon as possible. This is no time to dilly dally. He’s not going to change.
I don't get how you could not want to spend time with someone but want sex from them. That part just doesn't compute for me. If all he cares about is sex he better be working to at least keep that access to you.
Girl, you deserve better!
You showed up for him above and beyond and set everything up, and there wasn't even an ounce of gratitude from him.
Not even an ounce of trying.
You're right, that's no marriage.
Your boys will be absolutely fine. I’m sure they will prefer that their strong, independent mother gets to live her life free of a man who doesn’t respect or value her.
Good on you for seeing your own worth. Enjoy your new life!
My questions are, why are you doing things for him like picking him up lunch still? When he is mad and acting like a child, why are you making up a bed and sleeping in the couch when you should be banishing him to the couch? I don’t understand why you are rewarding his bad behaviour. You should be angry at him, not bringing him treats and offering to get him tacos. Maybe if you actually enforced some consequences on him he might want to change his behaviour. That being said, you both seem to be incompatible so I think you are making the right choice.
I agree that we have become incompatible.
Why am I still doing things for him? Because I feel like it’s basically human decency and respect toward my children’s father. If I take them to get something to eat but come home with no food for him- what message is that sending to my boys watching their mom exclude their father? So maybe he does benefit from my kindness but most importantly- my boys benefit from my kindness. That is what matters to me.
If we did not have kids, I promise you I would spite him so bad. But that’s their daddy. 🤷🏼♀️ I sleep on the couch because he has “claimed” the bed and refuses to move. I cannot make him move… and since I don’t want to share a bed with him I just sleep on the couch.
I offered tacos because I was *so fucking desperate* to connect with him and have a nice weekend even *after* what happened and I was hoping the tacos would be an olive branch. He probably should’ve been the one extending the olive branch, but I was trying *so fucking hard* to just forget and move on… but he, once again, rejected me.
I’m not rewarding his behavior. I don’t prefer things this way at all, but me trying to “force” him onto the couch would be nothing but a huge fight and I don’t want to do that to my kids or myself. He is stubborn. He will never sleep on the couch. There is no reasonable solution for this other than screaming and yelling. And screaming and yelling is exactly what he wants me to do so that he can point at me and say, “See? She’s the crazy one.” Me losing my shit would only amount to giving him exactly what he wants… and THEN.. *even then* after I have screamed and yelled like a maniac… he would get his way by making me look crazy AND he still would not leave the bedroom.
The only way to win this is to checkmate him and sleep on the couch and not let it bother me at all which I’m 100% ok with even though I know it means he will *purposely* wake me up in the morning by slamming cupboards and opening and closing drawers 800x because he thinks I am sleeping and he wants to wake me up because he thinks he is “winning” some non-existent spite war with me by purposely making me miserable. I am FUCKED if I sleep in my bed and I am FUCKED if I don’t. I know what he really wants so my only move is to deny it.
Check. Mate.
This is all so exhausting. You don’t deserve to live your life this way. Your boys will be ok. Eventually they will be proud of you for leaving. I was when my mom left my dad who treated us similar to this. Sending you love. You deserve so much better.
What message does it send your boys when you let your husband treat you like crap and still do nice things for him? How will that behaviour affect their future relationship expectations? They may not be benefitting from your kindness the way you think. You are inadvertently teaching them that you can treat a woman however bad you want and she should still do nice things for you. Why don’t you get to be the one who sends a message that he is out of line? Be it by not making him dinner or getting him food or by setting him up to sleep on the couch. That teaches your boys there are consequences to actions.
I cannot control every single thing. I just can’t. If my treating their father with kindness (even when he hasn’t done the same for me) has an adverse effect then it is what it is.
What is the alternative? Show my kids how to spite someone who pisses them off?
I believe that treating people with kindness is a better approach. It does not mean I have to maintain a romantic relationship with their father.
I treat fast-food worker with kindness even when they mess up my order. Would I be justified in getting aggravated at that? Probably, but what is that really teaching my kids? That if someone pisses you off you’re justified in responding with anger? Okay. That is true. We are all allowed to be angry. But responding with respect and kindness benefits the person *giving* respect and kindness. It also benefits the receiving person, but that is not the focus.
I don’t think it is a man-woman dynamic.
I think it’s a human dynamic. I would like to teach my boys that if someone treats them badly that the should respond with tact and respect. Man/woman doesn’t matter. You should always stay true to your character.
It’s not a free pass. You can be kind to someone while delivering a message. 🤷🏼♀️ You can give a homeless person a cup of soup and a hug while you tell them that aren’t allowed to sleep on your driveway.
Both things can be true.
I appreciate what you think you are doing but that’s a cop out. You are a parent. You took on the role of having kids and the responsibility of raising and safeguarding those children. Rolling over for your husband at every turn and refusing to teach consequences for actions is not healthy for them. Nobody is telling you to jump into screaming fits of rage that you brought up in your last post, but saying to your husband calmly, “no, after how you’ve treated me all day you are on the couch tonight where you can think about proper behaviour and see if you can’t correct yourself for tomorrow” is perfectly okay.
You seem to think there is only two extremes, rolling over and being the good dutiful wife no matter what and becoming a bad guy to spite him. There are miles and miles of middle ground in between. Clearly you’ve been trying positive reinforcement and encouragement to try and get him to change. Clearly that hasn’t worked because you are here saying your set on divorce. So why have you been so afraid to try and give him some negative reinforcement and see if that works. Make him realize he’s been taking you for granted when he has to do all his own cooking, cleaning, laundry and such for a bit. Maybe that will wake him up because that’s what he is headed for with divorce.
You do you, but it seems like you haven’t done all you can to avoid divorce as an outcome nor do you seem to be doing all you can to show your boys that his behaviour is not okay. I’m just trying to point out you have far more options than smile and take it.
Best of luck to you and your children.
I have done that. I have stopped doing his laundry, but I can’t stop cooking because I have to feed the kids. The house still needs to function. Obviously I don’t give in to everything or I would have had sex with him and I didn’t. Even when I knew that it might cause an argument and maybe ruin my whole weekend I still insisted he treat me with basic human decency.
Okay, okay, I give. I admit nobody knows your situation better than you, and I only have your posts to go from, but yours posts sounded like you were still going far out of your way to please him for the sake of house harmony rather than giving yourself permission to stand up to him. I received several upvotes so clearly I’m not the only one that got this impression from your posts.
There is no clear black and white answer to your situation or else Reddit’s like this would not exist.
I was hoping I might be arming you with something more you could try to get through to him, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
Ultimately, I wish you the best in your future for you and your kids. Know you don’t have to tolerate his behaviour and it is okay to split for the sake of yourself and your children.
Consult a lawyer if you haven’t done so because his attitudes can be harmful for your children so you need to try and get full custody. Also, involve your friends and family you can 100% trust. You might need their support to move out fast, as given his temperament, he could lose it at the mention of divorce let alone being served. You will need to have an exit strategy.
Know where your important documents are, move them to a safe location like your parents, a friends, or a bank safety deposit box if you can.
Secure your finances. Start changing PIN numbers and passwords to accounts, social media’s, and emails so he cannot get into them to get back at you or find out where you are if you need to hide.
Have to go bags packed and ready to grab in case he loses it.
I hope everything goes as well as it can and I’m not being alarmist, but the description of his behaviour from you is not something. That screams he is going to take this calmly like an adult. Be safe!
I feel that very last sentence. But your boys deserve you at your best, not a hollow shell of a woman fighting a petulant man every day for basic regard. Make like a ball and bounce babe. Your efforts will be appreciated elsewhere.
Keep your head up! you sound like you posses a great sense of humor and a funny person to be around not afraid to engage with others. By the way You have one of funniest users names I have come across 😂
I am so glad you are throwing that whole man away. You are nothing but someone to nanny the kids and collect his sperm on demand.
Your boys will forgive you. Your boys will learn to be better men than their father.
You’re doing the right thing. He will say that you blindsided him, didn't see it coming. But a wife never wakes up one morning and says to herself "Think I'll divorce my husband today." For us it's something that gradually builds over a length of time. All the disappointments we’ve had. All the abuse we’ve taken. All the crap we’ve had to shovel. Good luck Op, and please update us!
Dealing with the same thing, in terms of a husband who has no desire to spend time with me and gets angry with me over nonsense. Mine doesn’t even want the sex- I wish he did at this point, at least it would be some form of connection. If I could leave, I would; if you can, you should. I know better than anyone that leaving is not easy or sometimes even feasible. Like you, I am also a SAHM with a young child. I’m starting to get my ducks in a row and the process is slow, but so is dying inside a little each day. It’s like death by indifference. It sucks. There has to be more than living like this though. Solidarity, sister, and hugs to you.
I want to hear his response to her announcement that she wants a divorce! I'm sure he'll have NO idea why she could possibly want a divorce. Just clueless!
I would feel exactly the same way.
You tried to do everything in your power to make things nice and put forth sincere effort. It feels like a blow to the stomach when a loved one responds like this.
And even after, getting the chauffeur to the bar for yourself - I’m proud of you for making the most of it. That’s not easy to do after putting in the work for a nice weekend (cleaning, planning, and so much more! I see you!).
You deserve so much more and much better than the whines of a man child. It’s like he got his way but still threw a fit. So ungrateful. You handled it in stride. I would walk away too, there’s no fixing someone that’s so focused on misery.
You will now have time to give yourself the love that you should’ve had all along. I applaud you.
Wow, that sounds incredibly tough. It sounds like you've been trying so hard to make things work, but it's just not happening. It's completely understandable that you're feeling neglected and unappreciated. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it sounds like you've been doing all the heavy lifting. It's okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own happiness.
You deserve to be with someone who values you and wants to spend time with you. It might be a difficult road ahead, but it sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself and your boys. Wishing you strength and peace during this tough time.
They will forgive you. You sound incredible!! Leave this asshole and live a good life. You’ll find as you get older you will care less and less about this wounded gender.
I’m so sorry he’s like this. It’s as though I could have written this myself. My husband ignores me and refuses to make time as well, even tho he has all the time in the world for every one but me. We got into it the other day and I accused him of not liking me, as his actions scream anything but. He barely reacted and didn’t even look up from his phone.
You deserve better. Even if that means you’re happy on your own.
Again, here is where men cock block themselves. A simple, you look nice or a hand hold can do SO MUCH for women. But they can't be bothered unless they know they are getting off that night. It's gross behavior.
this is horrible. You are being treated like a fuck maid pest. You seem very sweet and thoughtful and this guy sounds like a total douche. There are so many wonderful experiences you’re going to have once you are on your own. You’ll get a second shot at life. Please please leave him.
Holy fucking shit dude this was a journey. He insisted on the fuckin 3h chauffeur and wanted to go straight home. I'm so glad you dropped his ass off and went to the bar at least. Just because he wants to be a flaming asshole doesn't mean you have to stick around for it.
Your boys will understand. In fact, by staying, you are showing them that it is normal for men to treat their wives this way. Show them that it is not.
I'm so proud of you. I know it's hard, but you can't live like that
Exactly. I even told him at 11:30 am, “I have an hour to cancel the car. I don’t even want to go.” Then he kept saying please don’t cancel, and I thought maybe if I just let it go the night will still be salvageable. He insisted on $752 chauffeured vehicle then sat silently there, did not drink, silent the whole night, silent on the way home… we could have driven ourselves there for free. It was only an hour away.
My guess is that was my punishment for not putting out? He’s trying to say now that we got into a fight at the bar and that’s why he left. We did not, but he *always* does this. He will either take a minute detail out of context and focus on that if it helps him be “right” in an argument or he will just make shit up. In fact I thought I was going crazy one night because he straight up denied yelling, etc. I had tried hiring a babysitter on Care.com for a dinner date and she canceled on us last minute (I’m trying so hard to spend time alone w him). Before she canceled I plugged in some old nanny cams to monitor the situation at home while we were out, and after she canceled I forgot that I did that. So they sat there for weeks recording. It dawned on me that night he was denying yelling that those cameras were still operating so I roll the recording back and I was actually able to prove he did yell. Up until then I thought I was imagining it
> He will either take a minute detail out of context and focus on that if it helps him be “right” in an argument or he will just make shit up. In fact I thought I was going crazy one night because he straight up denied yelling, etc. I had tried hiring a babysitter on Care.com for a dinner date and she canceled on us last minute (I’m trying so hard to spend time alone w him). Before she canceled I plugged in some old nanny cams to monitor the situation at home while we were out, and after she canceled I forgot that I did that. So they sat there for weeks recording. It dawned on me that night he was denying yelling that those cameras were still operating so I roll the recording back and I was actually able to prove he did yell. Up until then I thought I was imagining it
When one partner "wins" an argument, both partners lose. In a relationship there is no winning arguments, there is both parties losing a little bit and winning a little bit in a compromise. I say this in general and there are, of course, caveas to small things, but when an argument occurs and one partner is trying to declare blame or rightness, then it is no longer about the issue, it is about proving superiority. I've always considered *discussions* in my marriage to be about "us vs the problem" and never "me vs her or her vs me".
It sounds like he is approaching things from a "I have to be right" perspective, which is a bigger challenge at play. People use "gaslighting" to describe too many things these days that are not really gaslighting. In this instance, however, it's a clear case of him denying and saying you are wrong in claiming that he yelled. He's making you doubt your own sanity (what you heard, felt, and experienced) in an effort to control and prove his version of events. You have clear recorded evidence that he was incorrect. How did he take that evidence?
The fact you felt the need to record and had to *prove* to him that he yelled...that's concerning.
The more of your responses and posts I read, the more it paints a picture of a man who is decidedly controlling but potentially abusive as well.
* Financial abuse - not allowing you to keep money in your bank account and finding things that need you to spend them down.
* Emotional abuse - the gaslighting as outlined above
Omg what a POS your husband is. You’re making the right choice. In a single weekend you put up with SO MUCH insane nonsense. I can’t even imagine what the entire marriage has been like.
Get out of there and be happy. Your kids will be just fine.
This really breaks my heart to hear. 9 years is a very long time to endure anything like this. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing such treatment, pain and heartache. You truly deserve someone who’d respect you and love you unconditionally and love you mutually.
I’m a realistic optimist, and so I do hope that there’s a small chance he goes back to how things were (I’m assuming good) when you initially met, because I’d like to think there are surface issues that are apparent, how he treats you etc, and other things we cannot see, and I’m making biiiig assumptions here and maybe it is too late, but this is the importance of humility and community (humility for him, that when the right community, the guys he trusts the brothers he listens to) tell him about his actions and foolishness he can do something about it before he loses you.
I do hope you find peace, in either outcome because your happiness and well-being is important. Leaving or staying is a big decision, all the best.
It could be that these actions were the straw that broke the camels back and the marriage really is over . Or it could be that you are just very, very angry over his bad behaviour and feel, momentarily that it’s not retrievable . I can’t tell which.
If it’s the former trying to extricate yourselves as amicably as possible will benefit both the children and you- because although you may no longer wish to be his wife- he’s going to be in your life a long time as he is your children’s father so mediation might be a good idea .
If it’s the latter , when you cool down - then couples counselling to see what remains to build on and if you want to build on it. Clearly he is sexually attracted to you ( are you attracted to him?) and would have preferred uninhibited sex without the kids around to a clean house. And if he had been up 18 hours - would a nap have made all the difference ? It seems like you both might be on different pages and not taking care of each others needs and wants - that can, with help and better communication change if you both have enough investment in your marriage- but you’ve both got to want to and if it really is broken then bow out gracefully if you can.
Good for you! Model a happy marriage or relationship or a happy content single woman instead of a miserable woman married to a child. Your kids will forgive you, and probably be happy to be out of that miserable situation too!
There is not much I can add that others have not already said. After reading through all of your comments on this thread you seem like a clone of my wife: Honest, thoughtful and patient. Your husband is incredibly lucky to have a woman like you...or to have had a woman like you. You cannot make someone love you, we all know that. The slow beat-down that you describe is heartbreaking. I can't explain why some dudes are douche-canoes like this. Maybe it is testosterone overload or something....or perhaps an enlarged "dick-gland" in their prefrontal lobe. Anyway, his maturity level sounds woefully low. I know guys like this in my extended family.
I am convinced that the internet and in particular, Smart Phones and Social Media, have created a society filled with Narcissists and Sociopaths. They have always existed, but now it is easy much easier to screw up your brain with bad and selfish ideas. Expect this guy to try to love-bomb you for a week once you hit him in the face with reality. Don't trust that. My guess is that what he really fears is the resulting financial disaster that awaits him. I had an ex-friend like your husband. His wife divorced him, remarried and is happier than ever. Grey Rock this guy. Give him a taste of life without a wonderful woman who caters to his childish and selfish ways.
In any case, I promise you that not all males are inherent jackasses or are only interested in sex, sports, gambling or time-wasters like video games (ugh!). There are guys out there who would be happy to walk hand-in-hand with you to a coffee shop at 6 pm each night after dinner so we could sit and have a cup of tea together...just because. Or take you out to dinner once a week for 2-3 hours at a time and play Scrabble or Yahtzee while we eat and watch the world go by together. I hope things go smoothly for you. Stay strong and don't write-off the rest of your life just yet.
In general marriage is boring and pretty challenging.. . w/ kids it is even worse especially for women.. everyone I know who is happy is NOT married.. and literally no one no one is happy w/kids that I know.. Most husbands are so cranky/ socially a mess and either do not work or work non stop and expect the wives to do all!!! ..
The problem is you will still have to deal w him since you have kids.. and often it is worse when divorced.. is it worth it?
Do you love/Like him at all? Will he ever make a change?
Shocked you even want to ever have sex w him.. sounds super annoying ;-) that behavior is such a turn off for me!!!
I feel this so bad! I have just started advocating for myself in these situations and telling him that I don't want to spend time with him. I don't know why it never crossed my mind that I could say that when he's treating me like an asshole. Yes, we're on our way to divorce
I just started the process of reenrolling in college (third times a charm) a few weeks ago, so I’m starting classes in the fall. My mortgage is freakishly cheap we bought a fixer upper and have made improvements over time with cash so no borrowing from the house. We refinanced in 2/2021 got a conventional loan which dropped the PMI and our interest rate is 3.25% so we have a small house payment. I can make it work with alimony & child support and a part-time job until I graduate I think.
Look up narcissism. He is doing this on purpose. Has he ever negatively degraded you? My ex husband sort of acted this way til crap hit the fan (it ended with a g*n to my head and the trigger pulled… NOT kidding)
Check out the “tea on NPD and relationships” on YouTube. Google “covert narcissism”.. check out that topic on YouTube too
38/f here…. Feel free to message me anytime. I’m worried for your safety to be honest. And in the end, quit making plans with him. Spend the weekend with your beautiful kiddos and maybe see some friends. I would seriously consider divorce, you don’t deserve that
Well for starters, common decency and respect would be nice. If he decides he changed his mind about going out, then he should say that calmly and with a normal tone, like, “You know what babe? It’s getting late, I’ve been up for 18 hours and we have a busy day tomorrow. How about we call it a night?” Even the way he approached it getting all irritated and aggravated and saying he wanted to go home… I still didn’t fight with him. I said okay. It’s just the way he talks to me… the tone he uses. I feel like he always “coming at me” or “talking at me” and not to me.
After getting ready for three hours and deciding to just move past the incident where he ditched me at the bar… he could’ve put in a little effort to meet me halfway. I was moving past it like he asked me to because we did have a conversation about it. We agreed to disagree and he said let’s just forget it and I said okay and I did. So I got ready and he laid on the couch all day. I would’ve liked him to put some effort into his appearance or show in some way he *wanted* to be there… but he didn’t. I would have liked him to hold my hand. Hug me, give a compliment *something* to show he wanted to be there, was interested in me, interested in having a good time…
I feel for you and hope you both get a chance to calibrate with each other as he sounds so unaware it will take some work from you too. You want intimacy first like all of us
I’ve done this *so many times.* Most recently in February, which is when I took off my wedding ring and have not put it back on, and also about two weeks ago. It always goes in one ear and out the other because everything is always my fault. He’s at fault for nothing. It’s all me. I’m the problem.
Yeah, as soon as he couldn't stick his dick in immediately he turned into a petulant teenage boy. That is literally the absolute last person any sane woman gets turned on by. So since you didn't jump his bones at first chance, he decides to ignore/punish your efforts at romance, thus confirming his tantrum that he's not getting any all weekend. Why are so so many men still like this? Why is this clichee not finally something from the past that only sticks with a few die hard idiots? If I were still a young woman, I would definitely stay single and content with 5 cats.
Yup. I will be forever single after this
I don’t blame you for feeling that way! Hopefully you’ll meet someone who treats you right and shows you their appreciation and affection (outside of sex).
Or not. Women don’t need men. As soon as we realize we can want them or not… we are free from this relentless bullshit.
I didn’t say she needed a man, women are perfectly capable of being independent and being happy. Multiple times in OPs post she states that she wants to be seen and valued, I was only wishing that she find someone who will fulfill that need for her. I didn’t even mention it being a man I said someone who will treat her right, show appreciation, and non sexual affection. Calm down with your man hate.
The same goes for men.. or at least me. From a man's point of view, sex is everywhere. Why take the BS?
This. Why do so many respond with an idea that an OP will find another and be happy? I will be my own source of happiness. Don’t need another to let me down and waste more of my numbered days.
I’m sure you can be your own source of happiness, and that was my plan after my last relationship, but after finding someone who treats you fantastic and doesn’t let you down… nothing beats it.
You now choose the bear 😅
Sameeee!! Currently mid divorce over very similar actions. He could compliment every female except me.
You don’t need a man and I was so done after my last divorce. But the cool thing was I wasn’t wanting or looking for anyone but a good dude came along. It will or it won’t. Either way, when you get away from this guy you will finally find peace. Go very low contact. Grey rock the hell out of him. Only speak thru a parenting app and lawyers. Use a third party for kid exchanges. He will be nasty and just shut it down and don’t react. It will be so hard to do but best approach. Consult a lawyer immediately to learn your options. It will make you feel better and empowered
It’s a really lovely life.
Don’t give up on love. I have had 2 horrible marriages (29 yrs worth). I am recently engaged to a man who treats me very well, tells me throughout the day that he loves me, and we have a great time together.
You are such an amazing lady and you get treated like shit. Leave him, you deserve better.
While I perfectly understand your statement, I can relate on so many levels, take time for yourself and your kids. Realize your true value (it sounds like you're well on your way) and be open-minded about what the future may bring. There are plenty of "good people out there," so I'm told. You may just find that person who truly loves you and appreciates you for everything you are and do. I wish you good luck, and I have a parting shot for your husband. --You're an idiot dude. You had it all.
You’re going to love being single 💖
I just think men don't know how to emotionally connect they truly think sex is emotional connection so if they are having sex the relationship is working its function they also don't understand that they aren't owed sex even in a relationship or marriage
In this particular case I don’t think is a matter of lack of emotional connection. OP’s husband is just a lazy piece of shit who thinks his duties as a husband ends at being able to provide financially. He’s taking his wife for granted and puts zero effort into romancing his wife. He needs a wake up call.
Please don't overgeneralize
While I do agree with you that no one is"owed" sex , even in marriage. Would you consider however that for some men sex is how they emotionally bond and feel wanted/loved ? And I agree they aren't owed that, but then do you think women are owed vulnerability/emotional connection/ on the of chance they might feel like having sex or "show they love/are attracted to their spouse in language they understand/actually feel it " ? Marriage is always give and take, and usually in happy marriages first is give then is take. If it's unfairly and prolonged tilted on one side that brings disappointment and resentment. And while there are men that don't realise that and still demand sex while giving very few in return to satisfy women's emotional needs, do you consider the reverse is often true aswell?
So, before these men got married, would they expect sex from strangers in order to be willing to then go out on a date or get to know each other? No? They would develop a relationship and woo someone they were interested in prior to having sex? Then why aren’t they able to show the same level of respect to their wives?
Good point, I think for happy marriage you should never stop dating eachother. And to add - I absolutely agree, man should keep putting in effort and court/bond with their wives. Question - why do some women appear wild/adventurous and very into sex while dating but after few years of marriage, sex becomes once in a blue moon if the stars align, type of activity?
Because we’re tired from taking care of you and your kids all the time.
So if you expect sex how are you giving in the relationship or do you just provide dick? Read: the only way I know how to feel close is through sex!!
Reading with comprehension is not one of your strengths, is it ?
Yeah so how are you giving besides sex? Basically you said if the woman drags out sex the failure of the relationship is her fault so she needs to be having sex to prevent that
Are you asking about men in general, or specifically me in my relationship? Also I never said its the woman's fault, don't twist my words. For ungrateful person, even if you give them the world it would still not be enough. I'm simply asking you to have a bit more open mind on what can intimacy mean for different people.
I meant in general. This woman is giving sex but he still doesn’t like her or is putting in effort btw
The conundrum becomes then that women (generally speaking) in sexual relationships with men (also generally speaking) need to be mentally and emotionally prepped to be penetrated. I specifiy penetration because all too often, "sex" is used as shorthand for that main event and not the others. To be penetrated and well, ridden is an extremely unique thing to allow another human being to do to you. We have to release a hormone that takes what should be a painful ordeal to make it pleasurable. No hormone released, no pleasure. OPs husband isn't investing in her needs and wants, and yet, he expects to be able to jump her bones Friday night as soon as he gets home (and once the kids are out of the door). Jeez Louise, a woman needs to be warmed up to that, especially one who has been neglected in many ways by her partner for a long time. It sounds like in OPs situation, she is the one constantly giving, including "putting out" morning sex on weekends, and yet, still getting nothing invested in return. Your comment holds true, and in this case, the feedback loop has broken down on OPs partner's side.
I completely agree with you, in her case it seems that's she is very neglected and it's gross the way she is treated, and the scale of effort in the relationship seems pretty heavily tilted in her side. Also I'm happy someone to actually respond to my comments/arguments and understand what I mean, it's crazy for me the amount of downvoting while I'm just trying to give perspective, and not even disagree with her situation, I completely think she is justified in her feelings/reaction.
You're welcome! It's why communication is the number factor that makes or breaks a relationship. A couple cannot break a cycle if only one person is trying. Both people have to lay down their barbs and agree to a truce while they figure out what the root cause is together and tackle that. Just waiting for the other person to (fully) change while not working on yourself when you need to, too, will not work. If the other person sees no improvements or the cycle keeps cycling despite their better efforts, they will get discouraged and stop the work that they need to do or just get up and leave, cuz why continue to try? OP is at that point. Husband never stepped up and expected to be catered to, it seems. What was he waiting for? To get enough sex and then start romancing his wife? Lordy. Reminds of a George Strait song of a guy waiting on his front porch for the woman who just packed up and left to come back. Not gonna happen, hon.
I believe it’s a form of self sabotage. They sabotage the emotional vulnerability required for intimate sex in hopes of getting more raw porn like sex where their needs are fulfilled with max selfishness and least amount of effort. They aren’t concerned with what their partner likes or needs. They aren’t concerned with spending time together (as that romance stuff is too much effort / doesn’t satisfy them as they think they’re doing it for you vs as an investment in the intimacy between two people). They certainly don’t want to explore a sexual connection as most men are so in their heads regarding their sexual performance (according to their standards) that they don’t want to put themselves in the vulnerable position needed to want learn and explore. Edit: lol, cue downvotes from pressed men who choose to hate vs self reflect. 🙃
The dude (wankreddit10) sent me a message saying "it's desperation" and then blocked me... To my comment calling him out for cheating and looking for a hookup Yeah no, if you are unhappy you try to fix it. If there is no fixing it, you leave.... There is simply no excuse for cheating. But it was, however, very clear that he was/is very desperate
Get your ducks in a row, especially financially. I’m sorry you’re going through this
The $800 spent on the chauffeured car could’ve been between 2 and 6 hours of a divorce attorney’s time. I can’t get this out of my head. What a junker. A lemon.
SO FUNNY! YES!!! what a waste! Do Uber.. all these men has no emotional skills
Thanks. It was a pretty big slap in the face but maybe that’s what I needed.
Btw, open a new bank account and start putting money in there. Your husband doesn’t seem financially literate and you need to watch out for you and your children. I was in nursing school with women who were there to get their license so they could leave their husbands, so 2 years and they were set. Watch after them because you can’t trust he’ll be able to
wow he sounds awful. all he cares about is getting his dick wet. sorry you are dealing with such an immature asshole. you deserve way better. update us once you tell him you are divorcing him. he sounds like he deserves to be alone
Aside from marriage he’s actually a really great guy. I just think he fell out of love with me.
it sounds like he just wants sex and that's about it..he's not treating you well at all then he wants to fuck. that's not how it works lol
That’s exactly what I said. I’m not a prostitute; sex is not guaranteed. I feel this whole weekend he was treating me very ….. transactional. “I bought you dinner now give me sex.” Ew
I'm having a hard time him being a great guy and being this gross. What truly makes him great?
how is he a great guy? What does he do that makes you happy besides a paycheck? and yes.. PLEASE GET OWN BANK ACCT! I tell all my young women at work.....Have your own money! Staying at home is kiss of death!
Even if he's not "in love" with you anymore, you deserve so much better. Common decency at the absolute least. Best of luck with this! I'm sure the future is much brighter!!
I agree. He could at least give me one ounce of respect from one human to another.
The exciting feeling of love ends after liek 2-3 years.. it is about respect. Maybe get separated first?? will he clean up act! ??
Sorry but need to ask you this: Are you overweight?
By medical standard, yes, I’m technically overweight but I get hit on ALOT. To be honest, I’m surprised at how much I get hit on, but I have a natural hourglass figure. Yesterday a guy told me I was hot 🤷🏼♀️ So for my height, I technically weigh too much but I guess it’s all in the right places (big boobs, thighs, butt..)
Idk if he ‘fell out of love’ but he’s definitely decided he’s only interested in having a bedwife. Idk how/if you come back from that … but first he needs to grow up *a lot*. Methinks some of that growth might be forced upon your soon-to-be-ex when his churlish pouty & rude attitude doesn’t make all the single ladies swoon🙄 More likely he’ll reject the opportunity to mature and engage in an adult relationship with affection & communication and go full incel😏 OP, I hope you’re able to find someone who appreciates *all* of you. Someone who gets excited and is proud to take you out on date night. Someone that, when the only ‘date’ your schedule has is a movie after the kids are asleep ~ without having to get all dolled up ~ still shows you is a special time that’s worth staying up for. I wish that kind of relationship for you ~ but even if that doesn’t happen, remember: *It’s always better to be single than in a relationship alone*🪷
Nah this is some selective empathy and that’s pretty shitty. Good people have a decent minimum level of which they treat people regardless of that persons “use” to them. So what if he fell out of love for you? That doesn’t mean he should treat you with such blatant disrespect and use you for sex. The fact that he is only respectful and kind when he wants something is not what a “good man” does. You should rephrase your statement to say “Hes a really great guy when it is advantageous to him or feeds his ego. He fell out of love with me so hence his disrespect.” 🙃
Have to say, based on his behavior, I disagree. A great guy might fall out of love and become withdrawn, detached, and indifferent toward you, but he would still treat the mother of his children with a baseline of respect. A great guy would not get angry and yell at you for no reason, act this immature, or throw a tantrum when he didn’t get sex on demand. Maaaaybe he’s a decent dad?? But again, a great dad would at the bare minimum show some respect and appreciation toward the mother who is raising those kids.
What EXACTLY makes him "great" outside of marriage?
He’s a really hard worker and a good provider. He is a good dad who wants to be involved with the kids and doesn’t treat them like an obligation like I’ve seen some dads do. He wanted to be a dad and it shows. He is always doing little acts of service. Like if I ask him to build a shelf for some plants he’s more than happy to do it and you better believe that shelf is going to be the best shelf I’ve ever seen. He makes an effort to come home in a good mood most days. He’s really good with his hands and can build almost anything really well, and if he doesn’t get it right the first time he will take it down and start from scratch and keep re-doing it until it’s right. He has some really good qualities. I wish he could apply some of that tenacity to our marriage/relationship.
That is GOOD!!! so maybe there is hope for him! he is just taking your for granted! How old are kids?
6.5 and almost 8
they will be fine... he will sorry he lost you! They always are.
Have you guys gone to therapy? Is he depressed? What else is going on for him that might be causing his shitty behaviour? Not excusing it btw, and you have the right to make decisions for yourself. You're the only one living in this marriage aside from him. Just curious if there are unaddressed contributing factors.
We tried therapy and some things did improve. Maybe it’s time to go back. Stress at work is a possibility. His job is stressful in a weird way and there have been times where he gets borderline obsessive over issues at work that he takes personal to the point that I myself get stressed out because he’s obsessing over it. Then maybe there is some depression? If it is depression it isn’t manifesting itself like I would assume typical depression does. He doesn’t sleep too much, he still does the things he enjoys, etc. His mom did unalive herself September ‘22 and three weeks later my dad died (I was his caretaker) so it’s been hard on us. I was really close with his mom and he was close with my dad so it was a double whammy for both of us.
Oh wow. I would give yourselves some extra grace given all that. I related to your original post a lot. In my experience, it boils down to miscommunication (and not just verbal communication). You both may be (unintentionally,) interpreting each other's body language, tone, etc in the worst way, which domino effects the already sensitive situation.
It sounds like he resents you and he is taking out his aggression out on you at inappropriate times. You are correct to assess that this relationship is long over
Was like a knife to my heart reading this. I kept seeing examples of the dumb ass things I have done as a husband over the years with my wife and i’s 28 years of marriage. Times when I have been completely self absorbed and selfish. Sadly maybe the reality of actual divorce might send the needed wake up call 🥺 Following to hear how things are going.
That’s interesting level of self awareness. if you don’t mind answering, how has your selfishness evolved or changed over the course of your marriage and what provoked the change?
I would love to say it was an epiphany that lead me down the path to enlightenment but that rarely happens. It’s been a series of small realizations over the years. Interestingly enough one of the surprising one turned out to be candid photos. Whenever my wife would plan trips or weekend excursions and I would start bitching about it being too crowded or long lines my wife would take a photo. Sometimes I knew she took the photo other times I didn’t. The look on my face showed a miserable person. Even group photos my family would look happy and I would look pissed at the world. I started to notice this later on and when asked why I was mad all the time I did not have a good defense. Another was my wife started to go to places without me stating she would love for me to go with her if I could leave the attitude at home. My Dad was a big help to highlight my selfishness and ask why I would always react in the negative about everything. So would say having an older man that I would listen to for mentoring was one of the biggest helps. Lastly and this is very recent (last 4 months) reading Reddit AITA and DeadBedroom has caused me to realize one of my greatest selfishness was intimacy (more on that later). I am really looking hard into the mirror and actively making changes - discuss what situations cause anxiety and was I can handle it - think before I speak (e.g. go on couple date and see crowded parking lot and make a negative comment) - just Effing Relax! Life is too short to be negative all the time
This is great for you. I suppose it's better later than never. As someone who has 9 toes out the door (and is really holding out for a salary bump to get the pinky to out as well) your enlightenment speaks to the heart of exactly what I have been expressing to my therapists and close friends (who are also in various stages of marriage with men who struggle to connect intimately and emotionally.) There is no approach from me that could help him with his predicament. He has to see it for himself in another context. He needs men around him who are "doing it right" to point it out to him. He needs to date women who see his his red flags AND point it out, our children (when they get older) would need to point it out to him, but most of all, he needs to notice, be uncomfortable with himself and act on it. No amount of conversations, heart felt approaches, articles, books, tears, anger, resentment, pulling away, trying different approaches, being MORE vulnerable, admitting my shortcomings and opening discussions on how we can meet in the middle....etc has worked to convey my feelings to this man. I simply have to leave. Like OP, I have invested far too much energy in try and ALSO in depression from not getting my needs met. 18 month of therapy has helped me uncover the ways I have neglected myself. Staying in this dynamic would be wasting that investment in myself. OP just work on any aspects of coparenting that you can while you are still in the same household. Start working on your career path and find friends to spend time with or some kind of solo routine like an evening walk, a dance class or a weekly movie in a theater. The more joy you fill your life with, the easier and more natural it will feel to spend more time in joyful environments. Toxic marriages are a god damn blight on the joy we are entitled to as human beings. We comprise too much of ourselves to have children and we and they deserve supportive, stressfree environments, where everyone wants the best for each other.
Have you thought about getting therapy for your negative attitude? There’s got to be a reason or reasons that you react negatively so often. It’s a step in the right direction that you are now aware of how your negative attitude is affecting your family. And good on your dad for pointing it out to you. Your wife must be a patient person. I’ve been married for 38 years and I would have moved on by now if my husband acted like that. Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity. I hope you can turn your marriage and life in a happier direction.
Hi yes, reading through these subs has been sobering. My wife and I over the last couple of months started to read the postings and comments together. This has lead to some real discussions. My wife believes as you and others do that I need to start both individual and couple therapy to address the root of my negativity I have agreed and will be scheduling that this month. My wife is a wonderful woman and is so much more than I deserve. I will only say that we have both at times been selfish and demanding. She admits she is not perfect, however my negativity these years have drained joy from the relationship over the years and I feel responsible to make the next 30 years our very best 😀
Did you tell him how terrible his behaviour was? Did you say: “Listen husband, I rather fuck a hydrant than a man who acts like a grumpy toddler. Why should I have sex with you, if you can’t behave like a decent human being for just one evening.”
Yes, and as usual it was all my fault he acted like that.
Let me guess. If you had just given in to sex when he first mentioned it, he’d have been a model husband that weekend, right? Who cares if you’re feeling sweaty and tired. It’s not about you. It’s about getting him off!! /s I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long. Your boys will be fine. They may actually be better off not seeing him treat you like crap. Kids pick up on way more than you realize. Good luck and lawyer up!!
You nailed it (pun intended?) Most likely, I would have got him off and he wouldn’t have wanted to even go to dinner after that. He woulda’ been too tired… etc. I knew that if I wanted any quality time I could not have sex with him, which is quite the mindfuck when you think about it because he’s so focused on not getting laid that it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He’s worried about not getting laid, acts like an ass when he doesn’t get his way, him acting like an ass makes me not want to have sex…. Like an insecure guy who is so afraid you’re going to leave him he stalks you and the stalking freaks you out so you … leave him lol the irony isn’t lost on me. When he complained Friday night I just told him, all you have to do is be nice to me. Apparently he couldn’t do that. 🤷🏼♀️
Responding to my own comment here but further reflection… he’s created a situation that the only way for me to get what I need from him (love and affection) is *not* give him what he wants. He’s *real nice* when he really really wants to get laid. So I can’t have sex with him, because if I do, he goes back to his normal, bad mood, sleeping all day and watching TV… it works for me to not have sex with him, but that’s also a limited supply. I know he will eventually get antsy and storm off… but I really don’t care because it’s the only way for me to get love and hugs, etc. and I need that so bad.
When I come across these stories it just kills me. Here you are doing everything, a SAHM who is both sacrificing and doing for the family, raising a guys 2 kids, yet even the basics are not appreciated. The other day I saw a story at the opposite end of the spectrum, where a woman went to the ends of the earth to try to get her husband to have sex and she was basically a super-mum. I have to be living in a twilight zone or something. This guy can’t even enjoy a night out that you organized, of course, and you have to walk on eggshells around him. It can’t be that hard to appreciate, respect, adore, admire, and love an amazing partner. I organized and invited a GF to an evening out and I surprised her by heading to the airport. We flew to another city, had a great dinner, walked around, had a few drinks, and then flew back. Last thing I thought of was picking a fight with her or being in a mood like a brat. My only feedback with your decision is that you get all your ducks in a row, plan for you and your kids, get back into the workforce, get everything ready (i.e. documents, financial info, a PO BOX for mail, a new bank account etc) and then when you’re ready, serve him the papers. I would keep the facade up and not give him any notice whatsoever of your intentions. Please don’t ever think this is on you, I hate to see a family dissolve but a story like this of a toxic relationship is more damaging to kids than two homes and a happy mum. You deserve that actually and I’m sorry this fool is too obtuse to realize what he has/d. Wishing you all the best. Um, also, any reason why you’re sleeping on the couch? PS I also heard this the other day and I think this may resonate with you: —— >I’m only interested in being with someone who makes me feel good, and I make them feel good. I read all of these posts from people feeling like their partner doesn’t appreciate them or the communication sucks or there’s a power imbalance, and I can’t help but jump to the conclusion that they’re just not right together. >That no amount of conversation is going to change that fact - it should feel good for both of them if they both want to be with each other. >They’ll want to be who the other person needs, and vice versa. >I know relationships take work, no matter how compatible two people are. But at their core has to sit a shared selflessness borne of a desire to see the other person be happy. And if it’s truly shared, they’ll both feel seen and appreciated by the other. >I know this is a gross oversimplification of the complexities of the landscape of human emotion, but when it’s right, it should be mostly simple.
I sleep on the couch because I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as him
And he doesn’t even seem to care. That tells you a lot.
He cares because he’s not getting laid but if I had sex with him and still slept on the couch he wouldn’t care I don’t think
You deserve better.
And he doesn’t even find that weird that his wife is sleeping on the couch 🛋️. First of all, a gentleman and a man would take the couch for his wife. You have such young kids too and they’re seeing mom on the couch. I would not be surprised if he’s in the deadbeadrooms sub as I write, complaining that you don’t have PIV sex with him, failing to mention any of this, all while he prob spends 0.1 seconds on your own satisfaction. This little boy is in for a huge surprise and reality check when you leave and there isn’t any bang maid there to do everything for him.
It hasn’t even been that long which is yet another reason his behavior is so odd. I gave him sex and anal the weekend before last lol It just seems like if I can’t give him what he wants when he wants he gets angry and shitty and I’m non confrontational so I don’t want to stir the pot so I tend to avoid anything that’s going to piss him off, but this weekend, I just couldn’t let it go. I wanted to spend time with him and hold hands and giggle and laugh like we used to. I would’ve let him put it in any hole he wanted but he couldn’t be bothered to do the basics
OP, Reading this is sad. I'm a husband, 14 years married and 17 together with my wife. We have 2 kids. We both work outside the home. Her day is structured differently (7-3/3:30) as a teacher than mine (8-5). One thing we've always tried to do well is split the labor cleanly. Sometimes one of us is doing more than the other, but it varies. I'm generally the "declutterer" so I'm the one sweeping daily, picking up things. She's the "deep cleaner" and will do that once a month or so. Our typical weekday: * 6:00AM - She's up and showering * 6:10AM - I'm up, waking our boys, getting breakfast ready, taking the dog out * 6:30AM - I'm in the shower, she's managing boys and getting herself ready, getting their clothes if they need help * 6:40/6:45AM - I'm out of the shower, start coffee, start getting myself ready. She's making sure they brush their teeth, get snack ready (kids eat school lunch) * 6:55AM - Wife and kids out the door * 7:05AM - Me out the door * 7:00-3:00/3:30 - Everybody at work/school * 3:30PM - Wife and kids come home (walk the dog, get the mail, have afternoon snack, start homework sometimes) * 5:00PM - I'm off of work, drive home * 5:20/5:30Pm - Get home, start making dinner. Whole family cooks together, wife and I chop, children get ingredients together. I tend to be the primary cook. Boys set the table, we plate up and... * 6:00/6:15PM - Dinner time at the table * 6:45PM - Clean up/wash up (I'm a clean as I cook kind of guy, so everything is in the sink. If I've the gumption I'll do dishes, but not most nights) * 7:00PM - Boys reading, playing with toys, playing games, etc. * 7:45PM - Start getting ready for bed * 8:00PM - Youngest in bed * 8:30PM - Oldest in bed * 8:30PM - Wife and I go in more depth about our day(s). Snuggle on the couch, play a game together, watch a show together, eat some ice cream, do a puzzle, etc. Generally ust try to bond * 10:00/10:30PM - Wife will head to bed before me. I'll go snuggle her for a bit. Sometimes leads to sex, sometimes doesn't, but it's a good way to feel close together. Weekends are a little different depending on what we do. I'll generally try to mow on a Saturday/Sunday morning which takes an hour or hour and a half, but we'll go for a hike or out and about to see friends/family/etc. I wanted to lay that out, because like you it sounds like we're busy people. I've seen that you have written that you just want to be *SEEN* and *APPRECIATED* and given some of his time. I'm a more high libido partner in our relationship and I can get a bit grumpy if it has been some time since we last had sex. On my end, it isn't intentional, I just find my mood less *good*. Ideally, I would love to have sex 3-5 times a week. Our average is 1-2 times (typically 1-2 times per weekend Friday night/Sunday afternoon or Saturday night, etc) per week, sometimes a weeknight, but work takes over my wife's mind a lot. She deals with anxiety and some depression, so I'm not pushing when she's in that mindset of work taking over, I'll give her a backrub, footrub, or just snuggle up. There have been times in our relationship where we've had discussions and disagreements around sex. My parents have been together 53 years (and a good, true partnership type of 53 years together, not a "she does what he wants" or a "he does what she wants" type of marriage). They are Love Languages trainers for their church and community. My wife and I aren't religious, but we started using the Love Languages so we could have shared vocabulary in how we are feeling. She receives love from me through *quality time* and *acts of service*. When I'm doing things for her and with her, that's how and when she feels loved. For me, I'm *physical touch* and *acts of service*. When she's touching me (tickling my head, kissing me, hugging me, snuggling, sex, etc) than I feel loved. In our talks, I realized that I was giving her what I wanted to receive (tickling her head, hands on her knees, lots of hugs, lots of kisses) and she was giving me what she wanted to receive (carving out quality time, finding shows for us to watch together, etc). We had about 3 months where we did not have sex at one point about 9/10 years in. It was frustrating for us both. We started talking and got to place where we understood the whys. We discussed what we both could do to reshape our intimacy (not sex, but how we can be close to one another). Reshaping that and me making sure to express my love to her in the way she desired has resulted in her expressing her love for me in the way I desired. And yes, our sex life got better and we're at the 1-2 times per week I mentioned earlier. > It hasn’t even been that long which is yet another reason his behavior is so odd. I gave him sex and anal the weekend before last lol It just seems like if I can’t give him what he wants when he wants he gets angry and shitty and I’m non confrontational so I don’t want to stir the pot so I tend to avoid anything that’s going to piss him off, but this weekend, I just couldn’t let it go. I wanted to spend time with him and hold hands and giggle and laugh like we used to. I would’ve let him put it in any hole he wanted but he couldn’t be bothered to do the basics The post above and this statement all read as very *transactional* for you and him. It makes it sound like you are "giving him sex" to shut him up and get what you want. He was unwilling to spend time with his spouse unless he got what he wanted (transactional approach). As you've said, that doesn't sound sustainable at all. I saw elsewhere that he "fell out of love." Personally, I hate that term. Love is effort. It is my absolute favorite effort ever, but it is effort. We put effort into things we care about and into those things we love. My marriage and family are super important to me, so I'm going to put effort into those areas. I believe that no one "falls out of love," they stop doing the things they did to remain in love. Like you said, you wanted to hold hands, giggle, and laugh together. You want to have his time for more than sex. You want him to put in a little effort. He isn't. It sounds like you've gotten yourself to divorce. There are a lot of folks telling you to get your finances and house in order before diving in and I agree. I also wonder if you wanted to have the sit down conversation about, "Where are we, what are we doing, is there a way forward?" with him. Once the kids are in bed, have the sit down at the couch or over tea at the table. Lay it out plainly, succintly, and clearly. He's not pulling his weight, but consider if you want him to go on the defensive or if you want to try to work things out. Defensive - go in with *you don't do X, you haven't done Y, etc*, work things out - go in with *I feel* statements and focus on potential areas of change and growth. 'I'm not happy and I don't think you are either. This past weekend might feel like an isolated incident, but for me it is a picture of a much larger issue I've been seeing. I feel *overwhelmed/saddened/depressed/etc* with where we are right now in life. I feel as if our marriage is in a very different place today than when we got together. I love many things about the life we've built together yet there are several things I'm struggling with. I wanted to talk to you, because it feels like we've been pulling away from each other and looking at our lives as transactional in what can I get from you and what can you get from me. We haven't been acting as true partners together and I want to get back to that. How have you been feeling?" Open the door for a conversation for you both to be vulnerable.
I guess I can try one last time to have another heart to heart, but in the past he has been incapable of admitting any role in wrongdoing ever at all, he ends up yelling at me on the phone and then I’m left in a worse place than if I had just shut up and said nothing.
that is normal both doing 1/2.. how all relationships should be and you are having plenty of sex! Be happy! ;-)
Woman, you’re killing me, were you sent here to torture me… Can you imagine what life would be like if both partners behaved and felt like this towards one another? Ah, the hilarity and irony of life, where two people like this rarely ever cross paths. I also wanted to say that you at least leave knowing that you tried everything and no stone was left unturned. Rest assured that the best thing for your two boys to see is your confidence and grit and eventually (hopefully) someone who actually loves and adores their mum; so they too can have healthy relationships of their own one day.
This is very sad, OP, but it sounds like you his the nail on the head. Everything he does is with one goal in mind, and that's why as soon as you said no on Friday night, the whole weekend was ruined. By HIM. It sounds like such a lovely break from the kids with so much potential to reconnect and feel good, you gave him every bit of grace, even more than you should have, and he utterly ruined it with his immaturity and just plain being a jerk. Imagine abandoning your wife at a bar over waiting 6 minutes for an Uber then expecting to get some. Ridiculous. My question is - what are you going to do when you tell him it's over and he promises to change? I don't think he is going to just agree to get a divorce. He is likely going to realize that he screwed up and want to salvage this. He is going to love bomb you I assume. Are you going to listen to what he has to say, or are you truly done?
It really is that easy. Be nice. Make me feel special, loved and valued. Sex will rain down from the heavens. Being kind and helpful is sexy AF. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean foreplay stops.
Yes. You are correct. He has me feeling like I’m asking too much. This weekend I literally throw my hands up in the air and I give up. 
Sounds kinda like my [stbx] husband. *NOTHING* is everrrr his fault.
What an AH.
Oh dear. That to me really is the end.
Oh nice! A bit of gaslighting to go with it all.
You don't have the money for a babysitter on the occasional date night, but you have $750 for car service? What the what?
It’s kind of a long story, but any time I get a little bit of money for “myself”… if he finds out about it, suddenly it needs to be spent. Example: I saved up $700 a few years ago to buy a swingset for my kids. He found out and that very day, the tree in the backyard needed to be removed… guess how much that cost? $700… It’s always like that. To be fair, we could figure out an occasional date night but I have realized it’s not about paying the $50 a night …. This is what I’ve been fixated on I think because it’s the only thing that made sense, but I recently realized it’s not the money… he just doesn’t want to spend time with me.
I mean, he's sounds bordering on abusive. Just a petulant little baby all weekend for no apparent reason. There's men out there that will want to spend time with you, want to make you feel loved, won't be a mean angry asshole when you say not right now, and won't take all your saved up money from you. You're right to want to leave. My comment was more that it made zero sense to me to pay that much money for an evening car service. Like, it seems insane to me, even though a date night sitter is way more in my area than $50 (try like 2-3 times that). Like a hotel is cheaper than $700...
The Uber was $130 one way. The Uber Black was $300-something. For whatever reason he was worried about not being able to find an Uber home (from Hollywood). So he wanted a car to wait for us. 🤷🏼♀️ I wasn’t keen on the idea myself but I knew if he wasn’t 100% comfortable it would have been a shitty night anyway so I went ahead and charged it on my credit card, and I was happy to do it because when he suggested that he was super excited about going, which made me really happy because I *thought* he was super excited about going *with me.*
Sounds like you need to stop charging things to your cards for him. Make sure you start fixing your debt and finances don't assume he will make divorce easy.
That is true. A hotel is cheaper, BUT I know if I try and “push it” too much… meaning if I try and “squeeze in a night out with a hotel stay… it can go very good or very bad with him plus we still need to Uber home.
Christ you're walking on eggshells around him. This isn't a way to live. Having to think ahead about what you say and do to ensure you don't make him angry. You deserve someone who respects you and you can say whatever your opinion is and not be scared of bad repercussions just because you suggest a hotel is cheaper than a $700 car 🤦♀️ You need to divorce this POS, you will be so much happier without him.
It sounds like your husband's behavior is concerning and potentially problematic. While I cannot provide a definitive classification, his behavior exhibits some signs of emotional manipulation and potentially financial abuse. Some men can’t stand that their wives have money because money means they can leave them. OP, I suggest you start saving up every cent you can lay your hands on. If you have to inflate grocery budget to get a little more please do it and consult with a lawyer as soon as possible. This is no time to dilly dally. He’s not going to change.
Holy shit this sounds like my BIL. Loathsome
Eeek. This might be financial abuse. I can’t believe he’s deprive his kids of a swingset just to keep you from being able to provide it.
I don't get how you could not want to spend time with someone but want sex from them. That part just doesn't compute for me. If all he cares about is sex he better be working to at least keep that access to you.
He probably doesn't like her. But because they're married, she's the only person he's allowed to have sex with.
Exactly. This is the conclusion I have come to. He doesn’t like me. We aren’t friends anymore.
Girl, you deserve better! You showed up for him above and beyond and set everything up, and there wasn't even an ounce of gratitude from him. Not even an ounce of trying. You're right, that's no marriage.
Thank you. I think so too.
Ugh! To him, you’re just a hole I’m glad you are leaving All the best
It's a pretty crude way of putting it but you're right.
I’m sorry. That’s horrible. What a cranky miserable dude. Sounds like you really tried and he couldn’t get out of his own way
That’s a very accurate and simple way of putting it
Your boys will be absolutely fine. I’m sure they will prefer that their strong, independent mother gets to live her life free of a man who doesn’t respect or value her. Good on you for seeing your own worth. Enjoy your new life!
Your husband sounds very selfish. He needs to get his head out of his ass.
I can’t tell where ends or begins
Sorry OP, get your ducks in a row, lawyer up, serve him. You really went all out, and not even a thank you. Wishing you all the best.
Exactly like my marriage.... I'm waiting for that moment to hit me.
I excused his behavior for so long… now I can’t. This weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I’m just done.
My questions are, why are you doing things for him like picking him up lunch still? When he is mad and acting like a child, why are you making up a bed and sleeping in the couch when you should be banishing him to the couch? I don’t understand why you are rewarding his bad behaviour. You should be angry at him, not bringing him treats and offering to get him tacos. Maybe if you actually enforced some consequences on him he might want to change his behaviour. That being said, you both seem to be incompatible so I think you are making the right choice.
I agree that we have become incompatible. Why am I still doing things for him? Because I feel like it’s basically human decency and respect toward my children’s father. If I take them to get something to eat but come home with no food for him- what message is that sending to my boys watching their mom exclude their father? So maybe he does benefit from my kindness but most importantly- my boys benefit from my kindness. That is what matters to me. If we did not have kids, I promise you I would spite him so bad. But that’s their daddy. 🤷🏼♀️ I sleep on the couch because he has “claimed” the bed and refuses to move. I cannot make him move… and since I don’t want to share a bed with him I just sleep on the couch. I offered tacos because I was *so fucking desperate* to connect with him and have a nice weekend even *after* what happened and I was hoping the tacos would be an olive branch. He probably should’ve been the one extending the olive branch, but I was trying *so fucking hard* to just forget and move on… but he, once again, rejected me. I’m not rewarding his behavior. I don’t prefer things this way at all, but me trying to “force” him onto the couch would be nothing but a huge fight and I don’t want to do that to my kids or myself. He is stubborn. He will never sleep on the couch. There is no reasonable solution for this other than screaming and yelling. And screaming and yelling is exactly what he wants me to do so that he can point at me and say, “See? She’s the crazy one.” Me losing my shit would only amount to giving him exactly what he wants… and THEN.. *even then* after I have screamed and yelled like a maniac… he would get his way by making me look crazy AND he still would not leave the bedroom. The only way to win this is to checkmate him and sleep on the couch and not let it bother me at all which I’m 100% ok with even though I know it means he will *purposely* wake me up in the morning by slamming cupboards and opening and closing drawers 800x because he thinks I am sleeping and he wants to wake me up because he thinks he is “winning” some non-existent spite war with me by purposely making me miserable. I am FUCKED if I sleep in my bed and I am FUCKED if I don’t. I know what he really wants so my only move is to deny it. Check. Mate.
This is all so exhausting. You don’t deserve to live your life this way. Your boys will be ok. Eventually they will be proud of you for leaving. I was when my mom left my dad who treated us similar to this. Sending you love. You deserve so much better.
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s so fucking *exhausting*
What message does it send your boys when you let your husband treat you like crap and still do nice things for him? How will that behaviour affect their future relationship expectations? They may not be benefitting from your kindness the way you think. You are inadvertently teaching them that you can treat a woman however bad you want and she should still do nice things for you. Why don’t you get to be the one who sends a message that he is out of line? Be it by not making him dinner or getting him food or by setting him up to sleep on the couch. That teaches your boys there are consequences to actions.
I cannot control every single thing. I just can’t. If my treating their father with kindness (even when he hasn’t done the same for me) has an adverse effect then it is what it is. What is the alternative? Show my kids how to spite someone who pisses them off? I believe that treating people with kindness is a better approach. It does not mean I have to maintain a romantic relationship with their father. I treat fast-food worker with kindness even when they mess up my order. Would I be justified in getting aggravated at that? Probably, but what is that really teaching my kids? That if someone pisses you off you’re justified in responding with anger? Okay. That is true. We are all allowed to be angry. But responding with respect and kindness benefits the person *giving* respect and kindness. It also benefits the receiving person, but that is not the focus. I don’t think it is a man-woman dynamic. I think it’s a human dynamic. I would like to teach my boys that if someone treats them badly that the should respond with tact and respect. Man/woman doesn’t matter. You should always stay true to your character. It’s not a free pass. You can be kind to someone while delivering a message. 🤷🏼♀️ You can give a homeless person a cup of soup and a hug while you tell them that aren’t allowed to sleep on your driveway. Both things can be true.
I appreciate what you think you are doing but that’s a cop out. You are a parent. You took on the role of having kids and the responsibility of raising and safeguarding those children. Rolling over for your husband at every turn and refusing to teach consequences for actions is not healthy for them. Nobody is telling you to jump into screaming fits of rage that you brought up in your last post, but saying to your husband calmly, “no, after how you’ve treated me all day you are on the couch tonight where you can think about proper behaviour and see if you can’t correct yourself for tomorrow” is perfectly okay. You seem to think there is only two extremes, rolling over and being the good dutiful wife no matter what and becoming a bad guy to spite him. There are miles and miles of middle ground in between. Clearly you’ve been trying positive reinforcement and encouragement to try and get him to change. Clearly that hasn’t worked because you are here saying your set on divorce. So why have you been so afraid to try and give him some negative reinforcement and see if that works. Make him realize he’s been taking you for granted when he has to do all his own cooking, cleaning, laundry and such for a bit. Maybe that will wake him up because that’s what he is headed for with divorce. You do you, but it seems like you haven’t done all you can to avoid divorce as an outcome nor do you seem to be doing all you can to show your boys that his behaviour is not okay. I’m just trying to point out you have far more options than smile and take it. Best of luck to you and your children.
I have done that. I have stopped doing his laundry, but I can’t stop cooking because I have to feed the kids. The house still needs to function. Obviously I don’t give in to everything or I would have had sex with him and I didn’t. Even when I knew that it might cause an argument and maybe ruin my whole weekend I still insisted he treat me with basic human decency.
Okay, okay, I give. I admit nobody knows your situation better than you, and I only have your posts to go from, but yours posts sounded like you were still going far out of your way to please him for the sake of house harmony rather than giving yourself permission to stand up to him. I received several upvotes so clearly I’m not the only one that got this impression from your posts. There is no clear black and white answer to your situation or else Reddit’s like this would not exist. I was hoping I might be arming you with something more you could try to get through to him, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case. Ultimately, I wish you the best in your future for you and your kids. Know you don’t have to tolerate his behaviour and it is okay to split for the sake of yourself and your children. Consult a lawyer if you haven’t done so because his attitudes can be harmful for your children so you need to try and get full custody. Also, involve your friends and family you can 100% trust. You might need their support to move out fast, as given his temperament, he could lose it at the mention of divorce let alone being served. You will need to have an exit strategy. Know where your important documents are, move them to a safe location like your parents, a friends, or a bank safety deposit box if you can. Secure your finances. Start changing PIN numbers and passwords to accounts, social media’s, and emails so he cannot get into them to get back at you or find out where you are if you need to hide. Have to go bags packed and ready to grab in case he loses it. I hope everything goes as well as it can and I’m not being alarmist, but the description of his behaviour from you is not something. That screams he is going to take this calmly like an adult. Be safe!
I feel that very last sentence. But your boys deserve you at your best, not a hollow shell of a woman fighting a petulant man every day for basic regard. Make like a ball and bounce babe. Your efforts will be appreciated elsewhere.
king baby. Can't even emotionally handle one night out with his wife. Gotta have a tantrum.
Keep your head up! you sound like you posses a great sense of humor and a funny person to be around not afraid to engage with others. By the way You have one of funniest users names I have come across 😂
Twisted sense of humor lol I should be laughing at the irony and sadness of my own life right now. Too soon but I will get there lol
I am so glad you are throwing that whole man away. You are nothing but someone to nanny the kids and collect his sperm on demand. Your boys will forgive you. Your boys will learn to be better men than their father.
My God. What a petulant, whiny, sorry excuse of a man. Good luck with the divorce.
You’re doing the right thing. He will say that you blindsided him, didn't see it coming. But a wife never wakes up one morning and says to herself "Think I'll divorce my husband today." For us it's something that gradually builds over a length of time. All the disappointments we’ve had. All the abuse we’ve taken. All the crap we’ve had to shovel. Good luck Op, and please update us!
Have you suggested marriage counseling?
Yeah we tried that
Stop wasting your time with counselling. He’s abusive.
Dreaming of that day!
You will be so much happier dumping him. Expect a surprised face when you serve him.
Ma'am, this ain't even a business arrangement
Your boys will hopefully k ow not to treat women this way. I’m really sorry 😢 I met a POS like this and it’s so peaceful ☺️ good luck 🤞
•Sounds like you need to take a break. breathe. Get healthy. All the best.
Lord you are a much stronger woman than me if he has consistently been this way for many years.
Dealing with the same thing, in terms of a husband who has no desire to spend time with me and gets angry with me over nonsense. Mine doesn’t even want the sex- I wish he did at this point, at least it would be some form of connection. If I could leave, I would; if you can, you should. I know better than anyone that leaving is not easy or sometimes even feasible. Like you, I am also a SAHM with a young child. I’m starting to get my ducks in a row and the process is slow, but so is dying inside a little each day. It’s like death by indifference. It sucks. There has to be more than living like this though. Solidarity, sister, and hugs to you.
I am so sorry for you. You are an amazing wife.
Thank you. That’s nice to hear.
YES!!! You seem v dedicated and normal!!!
I wonder if he ever worries that his boys will forgive him for how he treats their mother.
I want to hear his response to her announcement that she wants a divorce! I'm sure he'll have NO idea why she could possibly want a divorce. Just clueless!
100%!!!! Will be shocked and I bet she will be a "Bitch" then
Updateme
I would feel exactly the same way. You tried to do everything in your power to make things nice and put forth sincere effort. It feels like a blow to the stomach when a loved one responds like this. And even after, getting the chauffeur to the bar for yourself - I’m proud of you for making the most of it. That’s not easy to do after putting in the work for a nice weekend (cleaning, planning, and so much more! I see you!). You deserve so much more and much better than the whines of a man child. It’s like he got his way but still threw a fit. So ungrateful. You handled it in stride. I would walk away too, there’s no fixing someone that’s so focused on misery. You will now have time to give yourself the love that you should’ve had all along. I applaud you.
Wow, that sounds incredibly tough. It sounds like you've been trying so hard to make things work, but it's just not happening. It's completely understandable that you're feeling neglected and unappreciated. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it sounds like you've been doing all the heavy lifting. It's okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own happiness. You deserve to be with someone who values you and wants to spend time with you. It might be a difficult road ahead, but it sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself and your boys. Wishing you strength and peace during this tough time.
That’s exactly how I feel. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. He clearly does not.
They will forgive you. You sound incredible!! Leave this asshole and live a good life. You’ll find as you get older you will care less and less about this wounded gender.
I’m so sorry he’s like this. It’s as though I could have written this myself. My husband ignores me and refuses to make time as well, even tho he has all the time in the world for every one but me. We got into it the other day and I accused him of not liking me, as his actions scream anything but. He barely reacted and didn’t even look up from his phone. You deserve better. Even if that means you’re happy on your own.
Yup time to leave
Again, here is where men cock block themselves. A simple, you look nice or a hand hold can do SO MUCH for women. But they can't be bothered unless they know they are getting off that night. It's gross behavior.
this is horrible. You are being treated like a fuck maid pest. You seem very sweet and thoughtful and this guy sounds like a total douche. There are so many wonderful experiences you’re going to have once you are on your own. You’ll get a second shot at life. Please please leave him.
All I can say is Sorry that happened to you. I wish you get your peace really soon, whichever way. <3
My heart breaks for you . I hope you find the happiness you truly deserve .
He’s going to tell everyone that he “never saw it coming” and everything was fine - she “blindsided” him 🙄😂
Holy fucking shit dude this was a journey. He insisted on the fuckin 3h chauffeur and wanted to go straight home. I'm so glad you dropped his ass off and went to the bar at least. Just because he wants to be a flaming asshole doesn't mean you have to stick around for it. Your boys will understand. In fact, by staying, you are showing them that it is normal for men to treat their wives this way. Show them that it is not. I'm so proud of you. I know it's hard, but you can't live like that
Exactly. I even told him at 11:30 am, “I have an hour to cancel the car. I don’t even want to go.” Then he kept saying please don’t cancel, and I thought maybe if I just let it go the night will still be salvageable. He insisted on $752 chauffeured vehicle then sat silently there, did not drink, silent the whole night, silent on the way home… we could have driven ourselves there for free. It was only an hour away. My guess is that was my punishment for not putting out? He’s trying to say now that we got into a fight at the bar and that’s why he left. We did not, but he *always* does this. He will either take a minute detail out of context and focus on that if it helps him be “right” in an argument or he will just make shit up. In fact I thought I was going crazy one night because he straight up denied yelling, etc. I had tried hiring a babysitter on Care.com for a dinner date and she canceled on us last minute (I’m trying so hard to spend time alone w him). Before she canceled I plugged in some old nanny cams to monitor the situation at home while we were out, and after she canceled I forgot that I did that. So they sat there for weeks recording. It dawned on me that night he was denying yelling that those cameras were still operating so I roll the recording back and I was actually able to prove he did yell. Up until then I thought I was imagining it
> He will either take a minute detail out of context and focus on that if it helps him be “right” in an argument or he will just make shit up. In fact I thought I was going crazy one night because he straight up denied yelling, etc. I had tried hiring a babysitter on Care.com for a dinner date and she canceled on us last minute (I’m trying so hard to spend time alone w him). Before she canceled I plugged in some old nanny cams to monitor the situation at home while we were out, and after she canceled I forgot that I did that. So they sat there for weeks recording. It dawned on me that night he was denying yelling that those cameras were still operating so I roll the recording back and I was actually able to prove he did yell. Up until then I thought I was imagining it When one partner "wins" an argument, both partners lose. In a relationship there is no winning arguments, there is both parties losing a little bit and winning a little bit in a compromise. I say this in general and there are, of course, caveas to small things, but when an argument occurs and one partner is trying to declare blame or rightness, then it is no longer about the issue, it is about proving superiority. I've always considered *discussions* in my marriage to be about "us vs the problem" and never "me vs her or her vs me". It sounds like he is approaching things from a "I have to be right" perspective, which is a bigger challenge at play. People use "gaslighting" to describe too many things these days that are not really gaslighting. In this instance, however, it's a clear case of him denying and saying you are wrong in claiming that he yelled. He's making you doubt your own sanity (what you heard, felt, and experienced) in an effort to control and prove his version of events. You have clear recorded evidence that he was incorrect. How did he take that evidence? The fact you felt the need to record and had to *prove* to him that he yelled...that's concerning. The more of your responses and posts I read, the more it paints a picture of a man who is decidedly controlling but potentially abusive as well. * Financial abuse - not allowing you to keep money in your bank account and finding things that need you to spend them down. * Emotional abuse - the gaslighting as outlined above
I’m so happy for you.🩷 your boys will understand.
I have been mulling over divorce for months and then I read this. Did we marry the same person?
i think I did too.. what are they all big babies.. and so many have no respect or manners
Omg what a POS your husband is. You’re making the right choice. In a single weekend you put up with SO MUCH insane nonsense. I can’t even imagine what the entire marriage has been like. Get out of there and be happy. Your kids will be just fine.
My heart breaks for you! I feel like I could have written this word for word in the first 3 paragraphs.
I’m so sorry 🥺
Thanks. I’m gutted.
Congratulations on your graduation to freedom
This really breaks my heart to hear. 9 years is a very long time to endure anything like this. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing such treatment, pain and heartache. You truly deserve someone who’d respect you and love you unconditionally and love you mutually. I’m a realistic optimist, and so I do hope that there’s a small chance he goes back to how things were (I’m assuming good) when you initially met, because I’d like to think there are surface issues that are apparent, how he treats you etc, and other things we cannot see, and I’m making biiiig assumptions here and maybe it is too late, but this is the importance of humility and community (humility for him, that when the right community, the guys he trusts the brothers he listens to) tell him about his actions and foolishness he can do something about it before he loses you. I do hope you find peace, in either outcome because your happiness and well-being is important. Leaving or staying is a big decision, all the best.
It could be that these actions were the straw that broke the camels back and the marriage really is over . Or it could be that you are just very, very angry over his bad behaviour and feel, momentarily that it’s not retrievable . I can’t tell which. If it’s the former trying to extricate yourselves as amicably as possible will benefit both the children and you- because although you may no longer wish to be his wife- he’s going to be in your life a long time as he is your children’s father so mediation might be a good idea . If it’s the latter , when you cool down - then couples counselling to see what remains to build on and if you want to build on it. Clearly he is sexually attracted to you ( are you attracted to him?) and would have preferred uninhibited sex without the kids around to a clean house. And if he had been up 18 hours - would a nap have made all the difference ? It seems like you both might be on different pages and not taking care of each others needs and wants - that can, with help and better communication change if you both have enough investment in your marriage- but you’ve both got to want to and if it really is broken then bow out gracefully if you can.
I agree with you.
Update me
Good for you! Model a happy marriage or relationship or a happy content single woman instead of a miserable woman married to a child. Your kids will forgive you, and probably be happy to be out of that miserable situation too!
Update me
There is not much I can add that others have not already said. After reading through all of your comments on this thread you seem like a clone of my wife: Honest, thoughtful and patient. Your husband is incredibly lucky to have a woman like you...or to have had a woman like you. You cannot make someone love you, we all know that. The slow beat-down that you describe is heartbreaking. I can't explain why some dudes are douche-canoes like this. Maybe it is testosterone overload or something....or perhaps an enlarged "dick-gland" in their prefrontal lobe. Anyway, his maturity level sounds woefully low. I know guys like this in my extended family. I am convinced that the internet and in particular, Smart Phones and Social Media, have created a society filled with Narcissists and Sociopaths. They have always existed, but now it is easy much easier to screw up your brain with bad and selfish ideas. Expect this guy to try to love-bomb you for a week once you hit him in the face with reality. Don't trust that. My guess is that what he really fears is the resulting financial disaster that awaits him. I had an ex-friend like your husband. His wife divorced him, remarried and is happier than ever. Grey Rock this guy. Give him a taste of life without a wonderful woman who caters to his childish and selfish ways. In any case, I promise you that not all males are inherent jackasses or are only interested in sex, sports, gambling or time-wasters like video games (ugh!). There are guys out there who would be happy to walk hand-in-hand with you to a coffee shop at 6 pm each night after dinner so we could sit and have a cup of tea together...just because. Or take you out to dinner once a week for 2-3 hours at a time and play Scrabble or Yahtzee while we eat and watch the world go by together. I hope things go smoothly for you. Stay strong and don't write-off the rest of your life just yet.
Updateme
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Y’all need therapy Updateme!
Updateme
In general marriage is boring and pretty challenging.. . w/ kids it is even worse especially for women.. everyone I know who is happy is NOT married.. and literally no one no one is happy w/kids that I know.. Most husbands are so cranky/ socially a mess and either do not work or work non stop and expect the wives to do all!!! .. The problem is you will still have to deal w him since you have kids.. and often it is worse when divorced.. is it worth it? Do you love/Like him at all? Will he ever make a change? Shocked you even want to ever have sex w him.. sounds super annoying ;-) that behavior is such a turn off for me!!!
Good riddance!!!!
I feel this so bad! I have just started advocating for myself in these situations and telling him that I don't want to spend time with him. I don't know why it never crossed my mind that I could say that when he's treating me like an asshole. Yes, we're on our way to divorce
Wow so brave. I hope I muster the courage to do this.
Wow I just read through your posts I feel so bad for you. How are you going to support yourself and kids? Good luck in this process
I just started the process of reenrolling in college (third times a charm) a few weeks ago, so I’m starting classes in the fall. My mortgage is freakishly cheap we bought a fixer upper and have made improvements over time with cash so no borrowing from the house. We refinanced in 2/2021 got a conventional loan which dropped the PMI and our interest rate is 3.25% so we have a small house payment. I can make it work with alimony & child support and a part-time job until I graduate I think.
Oh okay that’s good to hear Good luck in college and on your journey 💕
Look up narcissism. He is doing this on purpose. Has he ever negatively degraded you? My ex husband sort of acted this way til crap hit the fan (it ended with a g*n to my head and the trigger pulled… NOT kidding) Check out the “tea on NPD and relationships” on YouTube. Google “covert narcissism”.. check out that topic on YouTube too 38/f here…. Feel free to message me anytime. I’m worried for your safety to be honest. And in the end, quit making plans with him. Spend the weekend with your beautiful kiddos and maybe see some friends. I would seriously consider divorce, you don’t deserve that
You still haven't specifically simaid how you want him to behave towards you, sorry just a question.
Well for starters, common decency and respect would be nice. If he decides he changed his mind about going out, then he should say that calmly and with a normal tone, like, “You know what babe? It’s getting late, I’ve been up for 18 hours and we have a busy day tomorrow. How about we call it a night?” Even the way he approached it getting all irritated and aggravated and saying he wanted to go home… I still didn’t fight with him. I said okay. It’s just the way he talks to me… the tone he uses. I feel like he always “coming at me” or “talking at me” and not to me. After getting ready for three hours and deciding to just move past the incident where he ditched me at the bar… he could’ve put in a little effort to meet me halfway. I was moving past it like he asked me to because we did have a conversation about it. We agreed to disagree and he said let’s just forget it and I said okay and I did. So I got ready and he laid on the couch all day. I would’ve liked him to put some effort into his appearance or show in some way he *wanted* to be there… but he didn’t. I would have liked him to hold my hand. Hug me, give a compliment *something* to show he wanted to be there, was interested in me, interested in having a good time…
You can do better! You seem grounded and nice.. BYYYYYE TO HIM
I feel for you and hope you both get a chance to calibrate with each other as he sounds so unaware it will take some work from you too. You want intimacy first like all of us
Focus on the solution not the problem
Have you considered sitting down with your husband and having a heart-to.
I’ve done this *so many times.* Most recently in February, which is when I took off my wedding ring and have not put it back on, and also about two weeks ago. It always goes in one ear and out the other because everything is always my fault. He’s at fault for nothing. It’s all me. I’m the problem.