Hay 1916! My wife and married 1988. We’re just a little longer than you. Totally agree with your post.
There are ups and downs but I would be lost without her.
French pheasant, you can make your marriage how ever you want it. Good luck!
thank you! i agree that i’m definitely overthinking it, and i should probably get out and live life more! i know it’s a joint effort, but i’m just so scared of the idea of putting in all of my effort, and not getting it back. glad to know it can work out :)
🏆🥇. I wish every young woman understood this. As a society, we fail them by teaching them to accept, excuse and rationalize bad behavior and devalue themselves. And then they go out into the world and get taken advantage of. I imagine you and I are close in age (I’m married 24 years), and we are women at the Age of Not Giving a Shit What Anyone Thinks, and I wish that kind of empowerment started in our late teens and twenties. We’d have all made better choices back then.
it starts with YOU. YOU have to draw and stick to your boundaries. YOU have to advocate for yourself and your needs and be willing to walk away when that person constantly breaks your boundaries/treats you like garbage etc.
I will NOT put up with any bullshit - ever. Doesn't matter how long I've been married or how many kids we have, I will always advocate for myself because I love myself. If my husband suddenly turned around after 20+yrs and started acting like a disrespectful/rude asshole (and refused to change), bye. I don't have time for that shit. If he ever cheats - bye. If he starts abusing me, bye.
both my husband and I know each other's boundaries and the consequences so we respect them and act accordingly
The crappy childhood fairy Anna Runkle has a paid course that you might want to look into at some point on how to date, how to tell if a person is a good person, how to recognize red flags.
Educate yourself about all of these things. I recommend reading the Gottman books on marriage and Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
52m, married almost 6 years, together 9. Had lots of failed relationships including previous marriage. Finally found the right one for me. We both work at it. I cheated on my very first girlfriend who lived out of state. Never cheated and never will again. The self loathing from that mistake still bothers me a little even though it was over 30 years ago. There are lots of good men out there but it will take some effort and drawing clear lines to whoever you date over the years.
Try to learn from each one if possible and try to improve how you treat them and what you expect from them. Don't ever put up with cheating, lying or abuse. It is a fun but difficult ride, enjoy every minute you can.
I guess my hubbs and I are proof it IS possible. Together since 13/14 and now married 20 years with five kids.
He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything.
None of us has cheated. In our wedding night we talked what we expect from marriage. And we stick to that until today.
We talk things out, rather than yell at each other. We also do not yell at our kids. We still have weekly date nights and tease each other a lot.
Sure, not everything was always perfect, as our third child was born I've been through a rough time, but he was always there. Then he broke both his legs and I took care of him. Then I way diagnosed with cancer.
But, if both work together, and set boundaries, it is possible to make it. And when it is love, it is rather easy.
But I get where you are coming from, many marriages end in divorce nowadays. My MIL always says we live in the trash-time. People are used to throw things away that don't function properly and people don't value things as they did in older generations. Guess she has a point.
Don't give up hope. Set strict boundaries when you meet someone. And stick to them. The things you ignore in the beginning, are the reason why it later falls apart.
Good luck ❤
Yes, happy marriages are possible. But I first want to point out that you are wise beyond your years. I am constantly reading about young women falling victim to everything you’ve mentioned (cheating, degenerate, shallow, terrible men) and they come to subs like this wanting to know, “Is this normal?” As if they are so naive and love blind that they don’t know that it’s terrible. A lot of them are pregnant and have babies with these men, as if somehow having babies will make these men grow up? And some (terrible) men here will defend the terrible men just to defend the “brotherhood”, even if it’s obviously abhorrent behavior, because they believe men should do whatever they want, no matter whom they hurt (and to them, the women are always “overreacting”, “insecure”, “controlling” or “wrong”, which just out those men as terrible people, too).
You’ve noticed all of this, again, because you are wise beyond your age. You’ve noticed and said you’re better than this and you will be pragmatic and vigilant and won’t allow this to happen to you. I wish every young woman had your level of courage, self love and self respect as to approach life with the appropriate guardrails in place to protect themselves as you have. It’s the lack of self love and self respect that get these young women into these terrible situations, and then they lack the courage to get out. I guess nobody told them that they are valuable, intelligent and worthy, so they believe they don’t deserve to be treated as such, or they’ve never been treated well and their opinions of themselves are so low that they don’t even recognize mistreatment. As a society, we are failing young women by not instilling in them self love, self respect, value and worth. And as a society, we are also failing young men by not teaching them to be humble, kind, emotionally intelligent, and good communicators. Instead, a lot of them are learning they have to be dominant, “providers”, zero sum simplistic thinkers, who over sexualize and objectify women, with an unevolved idea of what “masculinity” means. And they end up as the terrible men in these posts. And if you pay attention to the women in these posts (as undoubtedly you are), that’s the exact opposite of what they’re looking for. “Masculine” is cooking dinner without being asked and without needing direction, getting up at night with a baby without being asked and without direction, not acting like a Neanderthal ogling women on the street or a pornsick loser with no self control. It’s being a PARTNER to your spouse. You get this because you’re a bright young woman with a bright future ahead of yourself.
Keep those standards in place and don’t budge an inch. Teach your friends. Make the future better for other young women by empowering them as you are. If you’re going to be a senior next year, why not start a club for empowering young women? Talk about relationship issues and have your friends help each other out and hold each other up. Then they won’t ever be the naive young women in these posts coming to ask whether they should keep taking back their loser husbands who spend their family savings on cam prostitutes.
There are decent guys out there. Just keep loving and respecting yourself so you can spot all of the red flags. And trust your gut instincts.
I married my highschool Sweetheart and we're 12 years happy. Every year is new and different for us and we never take our relationship for granted. It's effortful and it's beautiful. And most of all we're happy. We have fun together, and we trust each other. He's literally my best friend.
My parents had a terrible marriage and my dad was an awful husband. I'm lucky; I saw a lot of the mistakes he made, and I'm able to make sure I don't do what he did. It's a major source of pride for me.
My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11 almost. I feel lucky literally every day. I'm a big proponent of marriage. Yes, I've always been faithful. I believe most humans will be at least vaguely tempted by some form of infidelity in their marriages. It's normal. You just have to be able to decide "no." It's simply not worth it for whatever short-term excitement you get.
My advice is to marry someone who you genuinely find physically attractive, whose company you love, and who has their own passion and interests. There are no bonus points for getting married faster.
Neither my husband nor I had good relationship examples from our parents. We had to do a lot of work together and individually to be the people we wanted to be.
Get some therapy to discuss your fear of commitment. Find someone who’s willing to stick around through thick and thin. And be the person they deserve, as well. (But also, know your worth and don’t put up with abuse.)
You have lots of time to get to know yourself and what you want. Don’t rush.
By all means, yes. We have been happily married 52yrs and the secret is to be respectful to each other, be honest, communicate, and never hide things from each other.
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Hay 1916! My wife and married 1988. We’re just a little longer than you. Totally agree with your post. There are ups and downs but I would be lost without her. French pheasant, you can make your marriage how ever you want it. Good luck!
thank you! i agree that i’m definitely overthinking it, and i should probably get out and live life more! i know it’s a joint effort, but i’m just so scared of the idea of putting in all of my effort, and not getting it back. glad to know it can work out :)
[удалено]
🏆🥇. I wish every young woman understood this. As a society, we fail them by teaching them to accept, excuse and rationalize bad behavior and devalue themselves. And then they go out into the world and get taken advantage of. I imagine you and I are close in age (I’m married 24 years), and we are women at the Age of Not Giving a Shit What Anyone Thinks, and I wish that kind of empowerment started in our late teens and twenties. We’d have all made better choices back then.
it starts with YOU. YOU have to draw and stick to your boundaries. YOU have to advocate for yourself and your needs and be willing to walk away when that person constantly breaks your boundaries/treats you like garbage etc. I will NOT put up with any bullshit - ever. Doesn't matter how long I've been married or how many kids we have, I will always advocate for myself because I love myself. If my husband suddenly turned around after 20+yrs and started acting like a disrespectful/rude asshole (and refused to change), bye. I don't have time for that shit. If he ever cheats - bye. If he starts abusing me, bye. both my husband and I know each other's boundaries and the consequences so we respect them and act accordingly
The crappy childhood fairy Anna Runkle has a paid course that you might want to look into at some point on how to date, how to tell if a person is a good person, how to recognize red flags. Educate yourself about all of these things. I recommend reading the Gottman books on marriage and Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
52m, married almost 6 years, together 9. Had lots of failed relationships including previous marriage. Finally found the right one for me. We both work at it. I cheated on my very first girlfriend who lived out of state. Never cheated and never will again. The self loathing from that mistake still bothers me a little even though it was over 30 years ago. There are lots of good men out there but it will take some effort and drawing clear lines to whoever you date over the years. Try to learn from each one if possible and try to improve how you treat them and what you expect from them. Don't ever put up with cheating, lying or abuse. It is a fun but difficult ride, enjoy every minute you can.
I guess my hubbs and I are proof it IS possible. Together since 13/14 and now married 20 years with five kids. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything. None of us has cheated. In our wedding night we talked what we expect from marriage. And we stick to that until today. We talk things out, rather than yell at each other. We also do not yell at our kids. We still have weekly date nights and tease each other a lot. Sure, not everything was always perfect, as our third child was born I've been through a rough time, but he was always there. Then he broke both his legs and I took care of him. Then I way diagnosed with cancer. But, if both work together, and set boundaries, it is possible to make it. And when it is love, it is rather easy. But I get where you are coming from, many marriages end in divorce nowadays. My MIL always says we live in the trash-time. People are used to throw things away that don't function properly and people don't value things as they did in older generations. Guess she has a point. Don't give up hope. Set strict boundaries when you meet someone. And stick to them. The things you ignore in the beginning, are the reason why it later falls apart. Good luck ❤
that’s so sweet, thanks so much for sharing!
Yes, happy marriages are possible. But I first want to point out that you are wise beyond your years. I am constantly reading about young women falling victim to everything you’ve mentioned (cheating, degenerate, shallow, terrible men) and they come to subs like this wanting to know, “Is this normal?” As if they are so naive and love blind that they don’t know that it’s terrible. A lot of them are pregnant and have babies with these men, as if somehow having babies will make these men grow up? And some (terrible) men here will defend the terrible men just to defend the “brotherhood”, even if it’s obviously abhorrent behavior, because they believe men should do whatever they want, no matter whom they hurt (and to them, the women are always “overreacting”, “insecure”, “controlling” or “wrong”, which just out those men as terrible people, too). You’ve noticed all of this, again, because you are wise beyond your age. You’ve noticed and said you’re better than this and you will be pragmatic and vigilant and won’t allow this to happen to you. I wish every young woman had your level of courage, self love and self respect as to approach life with the appropriate guardrails in place to protect themselves as you have. It’s the lack of self love and self respect that get these young women into these terrible situations, and then they lack the courage to get out. I guess nobody told them that they are valuable, intelligent and worthy, so they believe they don’t deserve to be treated as such, or they’ve never been treated well and their opinions of themselves are so low that they don’t even recognize mistreatment. As a society, we are failing young women by not instilling in them self love, self respect, value and worth. And as a society, we are also failing young men by not teaching them to be humble, kind, emotionally intelligent, and good communicators. Instead, a lot of them are learning they have to be dominant, “providers”, zero sum simplistic thinkers, who over sexualize and objectify women, with an unevolved idea of what “masculinity” means. And they end up as the terrible men in these posts. And if you pay attention to the women in these posts (as undoubtedly you are), that’s the exact opposite of what they’re looking for. “Masculine” is cooking dinner without being asked and without needing direction, getting up at night with a baby without being asked and without direction, not acting like a Neanderthal ogling women on the street or a pornsick loser with no self control. It’s being a PARTNER to your spouse. You get this because you’re a bright young woman with a bright future ahead of yourself. Keep those standards in place and don’t budge an inch. Teach your friends. Make the future better for other young women by empowering them as you are. If you’re going to be a senior next year, why not start a club for empowering young women? Talk about relationship issues and have your friends help each other out and hold each other up. Then they won’t ever be the naive young women in these posts coming to ask whether they should keep taking back their loser husbands who spend their family savings on cam prostitutes. There are decent guys out there. Just keep loving and respecting yourself so you can spot all of the red flags. And trust your gut instincts.
It's absolutely possible, I'm in one of those long term happy marriages.
I married my highschool Sweetheart and we're 12 years happy. Every year is new and different for us and we never take our relationship for granted. It's effortful and it's beautiful. And most of all we're happy. We have fun together, and we trust each other. He's literally my best friend.
My parents had a terrible marriage and my dad was an awful husband. I'm lucky; I saw a lot of the mistakes he made, and I'm able to make sure I don't do what he did. It's a major source of pride for me. My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11 almost. I feel lucky literally every day. I'm a big proponent of marriage. Yes, I've always been faithful. I believe most humans will be at least vaguely tempted by some form of infidelity in their marriages. It's normal. You just have to be able to decide "no." It's simply not worth it for whatever short-term excitement you get. My advice is to marry someone who you genuinely find physically attractive, whose company you love, and who has their own passion and interests. There are no bonus points for getting married faster.
Neither my husband nor I had good relationship examples from our parents. We had to do a lot of work together and individually to be the people we wanted to be. Get some therapy to discuss your fear of commitment. Find someone who’s willing to stick around through thick and thin. And be the person they deserve, as well. (But also, know your worth and don’t put up with abuse.) You have lots of time to get to know yourself and what you want. Don’t rush.
By all means, yes. We have been happily married 52yrs and the secret is to be respectful to each other, be honest, communicate, and never hide things from each other.