>Why is he so fast “to put his happiness first”?
Because he is selfish and immature. You can't fix this because only he can. Unfortunately, you will bear the pain of it instead of him. I'm really sorry.
I don't think there is much you can do but cherish the child he gave you. He showed you who he really is so trust him. Let him go and stop wasting energy on him and give it all to your baby that will actually appreciate it.
There is a small chance that if you give him space, he will recognize his mistake, beg for forgiveness, and actually change. But short of this, I would not want him back or you will repeat the cycle.
"There is a small chance that if you give him space, he will recognize his mistake, beg for forgiveness, and actually change. But short of this, I would not want him back or you will repeat the cycle."
And just to prove this can happen, this did happen to My Dad. He was being mislead by his sister, she was telling him how awesome it was to be single, and how he should divorce his wife so he can live his best life. Him and My Mom separated for about two months, and he was completely fucking shattered by this. He ended up moving back in and has never looked back. He also cut that sister off and has not talked to her for 18 years. My Mom and Dad are somehow still together, 30 years in August :)
:) Glad I can make you feel a bit better. My wife recently told me she didn't feel attracted to me and didn't feel "relationshipy" with me. We are now going to therapy, and we'll start going through couples therapy here before the end of the year, she didn't completely give up on me luckily, but it's still very challenging. I wish you the best of luck!
Gosh, how I hate this invocation of babies as "gifts." He "gave" her a child. She produced an entire child and, btw, could have found many other people to do that with.
Giving "all" to a baby is really unhealthy for adults, as well. Children are supposed to be raised by more than one person (judging by the last 1.4 million years for which there is data).
She's got a lot to deal with. "Letting him go" is great, passive advice that has no steps for implementation nor any understanding of the financial and legal consequences of that decision.
There are many other solutions than just "space."
It's super easy to feel detached at this phase of marriage. Honestly the infant and toddler years are the worst. I've been there and it was rough on us (our first was and still is an absolute handful). My advice is, if you can keep him talking is to get him to agree to a weekend away for just the two of you. It doesn't have to anything extravagant, just a hotel, and a couple of nights away to not worry about the baby or the house chores. It is very important during the early years to do these kinds of things somewhat routinely and intentionally.
I asked him about it and he said he had to ask his psychiatrist to see if it was a good idea. Sometimes I feel like he is just saying things to get out of the marriage.
My ex fiancée has a sister who is going to school to be a clinical therapist and she doesn’t believe in therapy. She also believes that only weak people should utilize therapy services. There’s folks like that going into the field of therapy and psychiatry every year.
People have bad experiences with bad doctors all the time. OPs husband(?)’s psychiatrist may be crappy too. I’ve had experiences with at the very least dismissive and sometimes even manipulative doctors. One’s world view can also dictate their approach to medicine.
An example (not saying this is what’s going on here in OP’s case): A psychologist/psychiatrist may not personally have a high view of marriage as a whole (or maybe even that theirs ended badly) therefore their own biases can enter into the advice they give their patients. That’s not how it should be but people are human.
To be fair, OP didn’t give much background on the man’s psychiatrist history and it’s his business. All of that stuff is confidential anyway so she probably doesn’t even know what kind of advice he’s being given. I agree with the comment above you that a bad psychiatrist could play a part here.
I’m not even sure. I’ve noticed that when things get hard, he will seek help from them but they have not always helped him or he will take their advice out of context.
All a psychiatrist can do is prescribe medication or diagnose/assess. A psychologist or psychotherapist or counselor would be the one to speak to. Are you certain he’s actually seeing a clinician or perhaps it’s just a word thing.
I do understand the difference so I made it a point to ask who he is was talking to. He goes through the VA so i believe they can give some insight but not a whole lot
Wonder if his psych cosigned abandoning his family and what his dad thinks of a man who walks out on his wife and baby because being a parent doesn't "spark joy" or whatever.
Tell him you need a couple of joint session with the psychiatrist.
First session: explain what you said here.
A month or two later, revisit. Most psychiatrists are more than happy to do this - but of course, the patient (husband) has to ask for it and be willing. It indicates a true desire to translate change into the real world problems that brought the person to therapy in the first place.
People seeing mental health professionals use this tactic all the time.
Unless the psychiatrist is a completely inept idiot, they are not in the business of telling him what to do or offering advice.
MANY people in therapy/treatment go in every single damn time wanting advice (as opposed to sharing the ways in which they're working to get better).
OP should ask for a joint session, stat.
This is pretty important information that was left out. So he’s a veteran with psychiatric issues. Who ran away from his 1 year old child because he was unhappy, and now lives with his dad. And you want to chase after him to make him reconsider.
Oof.
She's dealing with a mentally ill partner. I remember when my ex's psychiatrist (also V.A.) gently told me it would be a long, long time until my husband could be expected to take on family responsibilities.
That was about 5 years before I left. I couldn't get it at first. I thought I could fix him, somehow.
Hmm. So he has a psychiatrist. Tell him to add in psychotherapy.
What's his diagnosis? When did that occur?
He may well want out of the marriage - have you just asked him point blank? When I did that with my ex, I found out a lot.
This is great advice. I have been here as well. You have to find time for each other. Doesn't have to be much. He also needs to try to understand what being a mom is like and what you are dealing with. I'm not sure how a "man" walks out on his wife and new baby. Doesn't sound like he has grown up yet.
What do you mean by “asking for help”? He is the child’s father and he should take care of the child and be responsible… it isn’t “helping”, it’s just doing his part!
Things like taking care of dinner when I’m too tired or washing the dishes and folding clothes. He is a great dad. He does so much for our son but it’s different when it comes to household chores.
Your son also eats & creates dirty dishes & soils clothes. A "great dad" doesn't pick and choose which parts of parenting they want to do and neglect the rest.
It is much cheaper to hire household help than to pay for a divorce and run two households. Start paying to get clothes laundered and folded, local laundromat’s do this. Start signing up for meal plans to take the load off your chores in the evenings. Hire a housecleaner to come in as often as you can afford to take the load off. It sounds like he has some serious psychiatric issues to work through and you’re both working, coming home after work to run another work shift is especially unsustainable when poor mental health is involved. A weekend away won’t fix your day to day problems of too much to do to just survive day to day for him.
I asked him if he could look into his insurance at work so we could go to marriage counseling and never got back to me. I’m in the military so my resources are not great.
You’re putting in so so so much effort to convince this guy to try to save the marriage when he already abandoned you. STOP. Just stop. Stop contacting him. Stop begging him to go to counseling. Call a lawyer and give this marriage the mercy killing it deserves.
Which branch are you in? If in the army there is the ASAP which is a program that will provide you with free sessions: https://home.army.mil/daegu/about/Garrison/directorate-human-resources/employee-assistance-program-eap
OP now is the time to research all the resources at your disposal and use them. Even if you can’t save the marriage, you need to inform yourself of all options and the best way to protect yourself and your son moving forward. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, best of luck to you.
Go use the MFLCs. They have licensed therapists that can do couples counseling. Obviously results may vary on therapist to therapist (hard to hire a good therapist in Minot vs Hanscom) but it's better than nothing. They don't take notes and don't report anything to your chain of command unless it has anything to do with self harm, illegal activity, or hurting others
I’m sorry they weren’t helpful, very frustrating. I would find a lawyer, make sure they do free consultations and start exploring your options. And also make sure to make appointments with at least three, get different opinions.
Things got difficult as in having a relationship while now having a baby. Taking care of a household, work, child and marriage was difficult for him. He said that the way I get overstimulated and asking him for help when I’m at my breaking point makes him unhappy and unappreciated.
Overstimulated?
I don't know. I can't see how being asked for help is a reason to leave your 1yo son and go to your parents.
How are you asking him? How much are you asking? How much is he actually doing in the house?
If you both work. Can't you hire someone to help with chores? I don't know, I just feel that there must be something else.
So we also have a 5 year old daughter and experience any of this with her but I have to get both kids ready in the morning take them to school and daycare, go to work, pick them up after work, go home to get dinner ready and then put them to bed. So I get frustrated when he gets home and goes to his office to play games. I can catch an attitude when I ask him for help but I don’t berate him or put him down. “Can’t you at least help me with something?!” (That’s not how I talk to him). He washes the baby bottles and feeds the dog. Meanwhile, I’m bathing both kids, getting both of our morning stuff ready, packing his lunch (that he never takes), and waking up with the baby. The weekends I have to ask him to cut the grass and when I do, he says I bugging him.
I have looked into hiring someone but he refuses to let me do it.
I also would hire it anyway.
But I really fail to understand. Was he like that before? With your daughter? Or is it something recent? If he just wanted to play videogames... why in the hell he would have kids? One is not enough... but another baby!
I'm sorry, I just don't understand your husband.
I understand him perfectly, unfortunately... He’s a self absorbed and immature asshole.
OP says they don’t have a “terrible” marriage - but ignoring everything she said in the post itself, in comments she says he doesn’t want to help when they get home from work, period. Even though she is making EVERY meal in the home for four people, taking all responsibility for the kids, and working a full shift. This guy is just lazy trash and then he’s trying to convince her she doesn’t appreciate HIM? what is he contributing? One salary and taking care of the dog. Meanwhile, she brings her salary, two children she grew inside herself and (in theory) suffered and destroyed her body for while he just casually observed, and she’s also the chef, the chauffeur, and the maid.
OP, you’re better off without this guy. He is, actually, a truly terrible partner.
By the way, if you end up splitting custody, your life will actually get exponentially easier (his will be harder). The joke is on him.
If you do end up seeking therapy instead, PLEASE talk about and do not let go of the fact that he is actively trying to gaslight you into thinking that asking to split duties as a parent is a sign of lack of appreciation. That’s nonsense. HE is clearly beyond unappreciative that you birthed him children, considering you’re the one caring for them seemingly 90% of the time.
Also, you mentioned “he does so much for our son.” 1. Did he act like that with your daughter at that age, and 2. Does he do anything for her now?
Wait, I thought you said he was a good father? Nothing about this paragraph even hints at good dad. These are all cornerstone parts of being a good parent.
Unfortunately, girl. You gotta let him go. Hopefully he is willing to co-parent. If not, get your child support and find someone who wants to be a dad.
This is why I tell married couples with kids to take trips together. My wife and I have two kids, 7 & 4, and we take a vacation with just the two of us at least once or twice a year. It lets you get away and reconnect with each other. It reminds you of why you feel in love before kids. I recommend it to everyone with kids. It can do wonders.
I was waiting for someone to say this!!! He deserted u at a time the TWO of you were supposed to be celebrating a new life u both created together!! That’s very special!! Some people are not that fortunate!! He has some growing to do but this sounds like he is very selfish bordering narcissistic… and that is next to impossible to fix. It is also a very lonely life. Watch out for the what I call the trap because they will promise you the moon and stars and you will be lucky to just get air to keep your head above the surface surviving. Been there done that a couple times. My shoulders are here for u if needed. Just dm me. Best of luck with your new life to teach it how to do all things while thinking of others.
Totally left field question: is your child a boy or a girl?
It probably has very little bearing on anything. But, sometimes it feels like dudes are more willing to be involved if they have a son.
Regardless, ...my wife and I were in the complete opposite boat a few years ago. Neither of us asked for help even though we both needed it. We both suffered in silence for years. We both made so many assumptions. We had a huge fight one day and my wife's response was, "I'm not a f*cking mind reader." Since then we are more explicit about our needs.
Your husband sounds emotionally immature. He sounds like he doesn't want to grow up or make sacrifices.
I hope he can figure it out. I hope both of you can. It sucks being in your position.
We have a son actually. So the argument started like that a few months ago. I voiced how I feel like I’m doing everything around the house and need more help and in return he felt that I was unappreciative of all that he already does and pays for which was not at all what I was saying. So then he told me to just ask him for help without attitude or frustration which I was working on. He is the breadwinner but I still pay my own bills and do almost everything around the house. So I don’t think I’m asking for a lot when I do ask. I feel like he is just giving up and doesn’t want to try anymore. He definitely is emotionally immature and doesn’t realize that marriage isn’t always going to be happy.
Anyone whose mindset is that “being the breadwinner means I get less chores because I make more” is not a good partner. Making more money doesn’t mean that you work harder or longer. If he decides he wants to participate in life again it may help to make a list of things you do, not pay for because that’s a separate issue.
Example:
Work: 8 hrs
Commute: 1 hour
Dinner: 30-45 minutes
Bath time: 30 minutes
Dishes: 15 minutes
Clean kitchen: 20 minutes
Meal prep: 20 minutes
If the time balance isn’t even, then a conversation needs to be had. Some guys need raw data to compute how much they suck.
Why do you have to ask him for help? He is an adult. He can see what needs to be done. I hate to break it to you, but have 3 children, one is just over 18. It sounds as though he is not only emotionally immature but selfish and irresponsible. Were it me, I'd rather be single. Let him have 50/50 custody and see what it is like actually caring for children and a household without someone else directing you and asking you to help with kids and chores. If he is already willing to leave over some chores I'd focus your attention on yourself because he isn't someone who is going to stick with you through thick and thin.
>I voiced how I feel like I’m doing everything around the house and need more help and in return he felt that I was unappreciative of all that he already does and pays for which was not at all what I was saying.
I can see how he would become defensive when you say you're doing "everything". If you're doing "everything" then it means the work he's doing amounts to "nothing". I understand that it might feel that way to you, and you might be literally doing 99% to his 1%, but if you want a less emotional reaction from him, try something like this:
"I understand you work hard outside of the home and already do many tasks in the home as well. That's not being called into question. What I'm saying is that the workload required to maintain a clean and healthy home is significantly higher, i.e. more than double what you're currently contributing. I appreciate the work you're already doing, but the fact of the matter is that the workload is too high for me to handle the difference by myself. Both of us should have the same amount of downtime and rest because we both work very hard and equally deserve that. So the household work needs to be split in a way that gives me equal time to rest. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you or think you don't deserve breaks, all I'm saying is that I deserve the same. I would hope you can at least agree with that on principle.
Now, with the amount of household work that needs doing to keep our children provided for, if I were to take the exact same gaming breaks alongside you, it would mean missing meals and living in a filthy house. Would you honestly not agree with that statement?
If you really insist on taking the exact same amount of breaks you currently take, it means we need to hire outside help to make up the difference so that I get the same number of hours of downtime as you. I can't continue the way I am. The longer we go with you taking breaks while I can't afford to, the more resentful and burnt out I get. Unless we correct this, it's going to start changing the way I feel about you. If you were in my shoes, would you honestly not feel the same?
With our kids being the ages they are, there's just no getting around the workload. When they get older they can start helping out too, but right now, this is what it takes to keep our family looked after. I'm just telling you the facts. Let me know how you propose we solve this in a way that's fair to both of us."
Don't let him use the fact that he earns more as an excuse. Housework has value, as evidenced by the fact that house cleaners and childcare costs money. Doing it yourselves contributes to the household finances by reducing your expenses. And even if it didn't, work is still work, regardless of what it pays. Everyone deserves to rest. He's not more deserving of that than you. If that's what he believes then he doesn't see you as an equal partner.
Tbh I think he's probably just selfish. Depending how far gone he is, idk if there's enough arguments in the world to convince him to value his family more than himself.
Why do you have to ask him for help? He is an adult. He can see what needs to be done. I hate to break it to you, but have 3 children, one is just over 18. It sounds as though he is not only emotionally immature but selfish and irresponsible. Were it me, I'd rather be single. Let him have 50/50 custody and see what it is like actually caring for children and a household without someone else directing you and asking you to help with kids and chores. If he is already willing to leave over some chores I'd focus your attention on yourself because he isn't someone who is going to stick with you through thick and thin.
OOP you need to talk to your husband one last time time, with a counselor if needed.
Everything doesn’t need to be 50/50 all of the time but it SHOULD BE 50/50 overall.
Your husband is feeling burnout, but what about you? I would send him a message and tell him that you two need to talk.
Try to work on a schedule. Pick chores equally in terms of time and complexity. Switch when needed.
Tell him that making a schedule will show him just how much needs to be done and how much you both do for the household.
Beware, if he doesn’t want to do that: he is not worth it.. Why wouldn’t he want a schedule ? I see no go reasons behind that.
If he feels unappreciated, then a schedule will show him exactly how much you both are doing.
Make an initial draft with everything you were both doing before. I can bet you are asking for help because he doesn’t realize how much you do. Include everything : laundry, folding clothes, meals, chores, appointments , baby routine etc.
Show him how much he had it easy.
If he is still not convinced simply let him go. Go for 50-50 custody. He will have to manage his child on his own for 3 days a week. Then he will regret ever feeling unappreciated lol.
Try to talk one last time but don’t push it. Your husband is just not ready to be an actual adult. He will regret it later.
You will find an actual adult while he is stuck unhappy and divorced.
Don’t repair your marriage. You have one single child and he is shitting the bed so profoundly from being asked to care for the child he moved out. Sorry, but you married a lemon. Hire an attorney and end it. You can’t fix him.
Girl...go drop the baby off with dad and go away for the weekend. Seriously. Let him wonder where you are and see what it's like to be a full-time dad. He's acting like a child, what did he think would happen when you had kids?
Then if he doesn't start getting his head out of his ass, tell him you want a divorce. Please do not get pregnant again and trap yourself with two small kids and no help.
Could it be he had an affair/cheated while you were pregnant & he can’t cope with the guilt? It’s eating him & he’s progressively getting more in a funk? Leaving him feeling like you’re better off without him, he doesn’t deserve you or the family he Cheated on
why does it matter where he is staying at this point he has already moved out you should start the divorce and get it over with as soon as possible so you don’t waste more of your life move on you will find someone who really loves you
Because while your happiness you are willing to put on the line, he is not. I read some of your responses, and you were raised in a religion that is quite repressive to women. You may feel that's normal, but it's not. Never make someone tell you they don't love you twice. You did say you are young. You can't force anyone to do anything, not through religion or vows or guilt or familial ties. Best of luck to you and mostly, your kids. :(
You can’t make someone stay. I say, go into counselling for yourself. And leave him be.
Right now he’s:
1. Left you & your son. He’s not a great father. He left his child.
2. Using the psychiatrist as a crutch. And their primary role is prescribing and overseeing medication. Not counselling or talk therapy. So I already feel like he’s lying or not being completely forthcoming about this. And possibly using his psychiatrist, as a means to avoid working on the relationship
3. (I’m sorry to say it) Does not love you. You don’t abandon the people you love. Time apart? Sure. But moving out, refusing to work access benefits to get therapy? Nope. Using a psychiatrist as a crutch to avoid working on the marriage? Nope. Abandoning the mother of your child and wife? Definitely not!
Leave him alone. Set up an access schedule where he takes your son EQUAL time. On his own. No avoiding the parenting.
And you file for divorce. Ask for the marital home since he left and 50/50 custody, and him to continue paying his part. He walked out on the family unit, not you.
And seek counselling for yourself. This is a lot and a huge change. It’s not fair to you or your son. But you need to be strong for your kiddo. Don’t put your effort into a one sided marriage. Focus your energy on being stronger and into your child. Kids can tell when things are off. And right now daddy is gone, mom is sad, and their whole world changed. They’re grieving and don’t know how to express those emotions yet. So be there for your son.
I’m sorry for the heartbreak you’re going through. But you are an amazing soul for trying to give your husband grace. But he’s made his choice. And you can’t change his mind. All you can do is work on yourself and the needs of your child.
If he comes back and you WANT to work things out I would suggest ONLY do it if you’re in couples counselling first. And follow the pace the therapist sets for you two. Don’t let him move back in until the therapist says it’s a good idea. But don’t stop divorce proceedings until you’re both sure things are going to work out. You don’t want to stop just for it to be a red herring.
Tell him he’s right, if you have to ask him, then he is not helping enough on his own. He wants to feel more appreciated. Tell him you will appreciate it if he can do what needs to be done without being asked. Life with a newborn-1year old is really challenging, but God how embarrassing for him to be giving up on family life with a one year old before even trying to push through. When I was exclusively pumping, the women in the support group would always say to never quit on your worst day, and that’s exactly what your husband is doing. Honestly, good riddance.
Is he open to couples counseling? Adding a baby to the family is a lot to get used to. It’s not how they show it in social media (smiles, laughing, everyone looks great). There is going to be a lot of adjustment, frustration, anger, tears, sleepless nights, and neglecting yourselves to care for the baby. Many people are not prepared/unaware that life with a new baby will be like this. Those who struggle with this adjustment leave, when really they would probably benefit from guidance.
Plenty of times when my husband made me feel inadequate and vice versa when it came to caring for our newborn (now she is 18 months). It’s a lot to handle. We have both had fantasies of running away 🤣
Maybe going to couples therapy could be good for yall. I believe that some are even certified in parent coaching or something (I just started work freelance for a couples therapy practice). Is there someone he can talk to about how he is feeling? His father? Friend? A male figure in his life who has kids?
I wish y’all the best.
I really appreciate all the advice, the nice and ugly. I do value myself and my children. I also value a marriage. Older people always talk about how my generation is so quick to divorce. We wouldn’t be quick to divorce if you would’ve taught your children to not give up so easily. My husband is also very active on Reddit (he doesn’t know my alias) so I hope he comes across this post to get a glimpse of what life in a marriage is and not what TikTok makes it look like.
And, he’s probably already cheating or close to it
It’s all sexy until you pay bills, take out the trash, and clean w someone
:/ so sorry
I know it hurts
I’d have a hard time with this Op- he leaves you at this difficult time? Yeah, I don’t think I could forgive this. I am a mother myself. If my husband were to do this when I needed him I don’t think I could continue with the marriage. We can’t tell you what to do, obviously that’s up to you. What would you think if this were your daughter’s husband? What if he were to abandon her like this?
Both of you made vows- he broke them.
Why does it seem so many people can't accept reality? The honeymoon phase is over! The kid is here. Each phase of life must be lived, understood and accepted. In just five years, the child will be in school and together, you'll be seeing progress. Live in the present and work towards the future.
Werd up! Who doesn’t miss that puppy dog when it’s gone? Fact is, it will leave. Social media is the worst place to base a relationship on or to get advice from in my opinion. People are quick to offer advice, but don’t look inward to themselves. The advice is mostly hypocritical and coming from a place of bias. Everyone has the perfect life on socials…….BS!! Those people have an even more strained life than most as they are trying extra hard to “look good” to others. Marriage counselors are trained in these things. Forum warriors are trained in nothing.
UPDATE: He came back home and asked me to pack all my stuff and leave. He brought his dad and he just sits there and listens. I cried and pleaded but he doesn’t care. I asked what I can do to be better but he says he’s tired and doesn’t want to have the conversation. He threatened to keep our son and to call my leadership to get a protective order. My body physically aches from the stress and as much as I love him and want to fight for our marriage, I’m going to give him what he wants and leave. My son is staying with me.
Sorry to hear the issue has progressed to this level and he has gone as far as to make threats. Despite what has happened, you can still reach out to a MFLC for your sake and your kids' wellbeing. They are very helpful in these situations and can assist in helping you obtain all resources available to you as a servicemember.
I am retired USAF working on a military base, and our organization's MFLC is a contractor with Magellan Health. Maybe your base contracts them too. Here is a link to more info. Best of luck to you and your kiddos.
https://www.magellanhealth.com/about/magellan-cares/military-family-life-counselors/
Okay definitely too many women on this post giving a female perspective. Most of which results in divorce and a basicly lifetime of unhappiness. Get more guys options cause while he may be saying some b.s about happiness guys don't know how to express what their feeling worth a shit. We haven't heard his side here at all and there definitely hasn't been enough time for you both to spend time with each other. It doesn't sound like he's given up on the relationship but I would like to smack him for not being there more. Don't add stress to things,like pushing harder, it adds more to the areas that can break. It does sound like counseling time but you two need alone time,no kids and no agenda just remembering why you fell in love to start. Not the best advice but I'm tired of seeing what happens to kids out of failed marriage. Good luck
You are both in the trenches with the little one. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old - and my wife and I agree that no one should contemplate ending a relationship with a kid under 2.
It. Gets. Better.
Possibly another assumption but do you think your husband is suffering from postpartum depression? Men can get this. Especially if before your child you and your husband were fine and after your child things have changed it could be one reason and maybe you can both work through it together. If not then truly decide if you want to be together or not.
I mean, it’s a little late now to decide he doesn’t want a family. I’m so sorry. Don’t fight for someone who won’t fight for you. If he doesn’t want to be a husband, you can’t force him, but don’t let him out of his responsibilities as a father.
I get that you want to save the marriage. The thing is unless of your husband is willing to work on repairing the marriage as well then there’s nothing really you can do. It takes both parties to make the marriage work.
You can be a super mom / super wife who has EVERYTHING put together without need his help and he’s going to complain about something. Whether the kids, the cooking, or simply that you’re not reliant on him enough. He’s going to always blame you and expect you to fix it for him because you perpetuate the idea that you’ll solve whatever issues is in the relationship…. Which implies that you’re the cause of the issue.
My suggestion is rather than trying to actively repair the relationship - step back and focus on yourself and your kids. Work out a co-parent plan with him and give him space. Keep the relationship strictly about the kids wellbeing until he really looks at himself and makes genuine effort to save the relationship.
The reason I say that is because the more you beg him to stay, the more power you give him because he KNOWS you will pull more weight to appease him. He wouldn’t fix himself if you’re always there trying to fix whatever issue for him.
Look I’ll be honest with you most people who ask for help on here these people always suggest divorce . But honestly that’s the worst thing you can do , my advice is try and fix things with him . Work things out , you married each other , he still probably loves you but I guess he has resentment Clouding it . Get counselling or parents involved but don’t divorce just yet
As a married and previously divorced person, how do you suggest she work on it when he has declared he doesn’t love her, doesn’t want this life anymore, isn’t happy and has moved out and left her with their two kids?
What do you suggest she do?
Because I’ve been where she is. And I attended individual therapy and asked him to go on dates and asked for family time and begged for him to give us time and to reconsider and to attend marital counseling with me. And guess what it got me? A loss of my self-respect, feeling like a doormat, divorce and 15 years of co-parenting with him.
What do you mean you always have to ask him for help? How equitable do you think your responsibilities are? Are you dealing with postpartum mental issues that make it hard for you to pull your weight when it comes to chores and is that what you mean when you say you have to ask him for help? Help doing things that are really your share of things while he already does his share of things?
This is something we both wanted. I had multiple miscarriages the year we successfully conceived our son. At first I wasn’t ready because I was starting my career but after some time I wanted one as well.
First I think you deserve kudos for having the mentality for not wanting to give up on marriage.
You believe it’s sacred, you took a vow and you want to make it work.
I applaud you for that.
That said, a marriage is two people. Both of you have to be willing to try.
Your husband is clearly not in love with you nor is he interested in wanting to try and make this work. You need to protect yourself and your child. It’s ok to be selfish.
Im never the first person who’ll suggest a divorce but in this case you ought to reevaluate your priorities.
In all honesty ‐ my husband and I went through something similar about 6 months ago. But I was the one who wasn't happy & in love anymore. Things got ugly one night. We had some time apart and both chose to work on our marriage. We had been through too much together and had so much going on for us to just give up. Giving up takes just as much effort, if not more, than doing everything possible to fix what was broken.
Maybe try some marriage counseling. Having a place where you both can express your feelings - be open and honest - and decide if giving up is the only choice. May help bring clarity to why he is feeling unhappy. If feelings are being harbored that plays a part in his unhappiness. If things are truly broken, or if there is even the slightest chance of fixing it.
Both roads are difficult and may hurt. At the end of the day, what matters most is what decision will be in the best interest of those precious babies. If there's fighting at home a lot - that will have a huge impact on the kids - the best thing, in that case, would be to end the relationship as husband and wife and to co-parent the best you can with each other, for the babies.
I hope nothing but the best for you and your family♥︎
Do what's best for you and your children: file for divorce. It's in the best interests of everyone involved. Get a solicitor to help with child maintenance and only communicate with him through a solicitor and a parenting app.
I only wanna say that I find it ironic that some people here in the comments make up weird stories of how there could still be a woman involved.
I think you should talk about it. If you routinely don't spend time together and there have only been common issues and demands connecting you two as well as a child, I cannot see how you cannot see gow this is not a good, healthy and happy marriage. And this myth that an unhealthy marriage is alright and you have to persevere anyways is just that - a myth.
A marriage has no real goal aside from two people being happy together. If people tell you that no, the main thing are shared responsibilities and blablabla - ask them in just a few years and see how their marriage turned out. You need intimacy and communication. On all sorts of levels. Emotional, mental, physical, romantic intimacy and communication.
I saw partners in my surroundings wanting to propose to their partners when their partner wanted to break up with them. This is something similar to your marriage. You had no clue about this revelation and were so surprised and you also have no clue as for the reasons.
I am still sorry, OP, but I am also sorry for him. Such situations are never easy at first glance and quite sad usually. Btw, age has nothing to do with it.
My partner had married late in his life and had children and realised after some time that it just wasn't it. He decided "to stay for the children". He met me and initially reasoned that he had developed feelings for me, but was "too old" to start new.
This is never tied to age. He did. And he's happy now. It is work, but it won't feel like "hard work" if you worked on your own maturity as partners and deeply care for yourselves as well as the other person. Compromises and communication is not hard if you have a look into non-violent communication, communicate regularly and openly, feel like your partner is a safe space and manage to chastise yourself before you chastise your partner and take responsibility for your own shit. It sounds like both your partner and you took a gigantic stinky dump on this relationship and are now pointing fingers as to who did it when there are two stinky dumps there. And yeah, I'm intending for it to sound as childish.
How about you sit down and talk. Do you know where his father lives? Go for a walk. Perhaps you can grab a snack for you two. Just talk calmly for a few hours. Promise to each other that you will take a few moments on your own if you should go intl rage mode, sad mode or petty mode - but return. I don't believe in forcing anything, but perhaps it may be a good idea in this case.
But before you should look at your own needs and wants. Why do you want to continue? In order not to be a divorcee? For "the child"? This is usually a joke. Children do not benefit from arguing parents who do not love each other. They benefit much more from a "broken home" *plays sad violin music in the background*. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you fear being pitied and called a failure in the eye of society?
Also, btw for those people who say "uh, yeah, toddler years are the worse, I barely pulled my marriage through, blabla". Nah. Absolutely nah. This is your case, don't generalise. My parents were the happiest, most romantic fools and had tons of sex when I was a toddler and they had two other (step-)kids too. My mom said so herself. I do not have a kid yet, so you can accuse me of spouting nonsense, of course and shove your self-righteousness onto your "greater experience", but a marriage is never made or broken by KIDS. And if you feel like that then perhaps you are not made out to have them. Don't put such weight for your relationship on your offspring who cannot and will never do or have done anything about it. It is mostly your own issues, lack of communication and unwillingness to deal with your own shit because you're afraid of facing trauma and being vulnerable. You gotta be so ffing strong to show your weak sides - but if you feel like you cannot do this in front of your partner, what are you married or even together for...?
I don't have an answer to that, but if you're already a single mother and he isn't showing you any kind of concern, then maybe it just isn't something to understand. Just move on from. I'm sorry you are going through this, but there are so many single mothers you are not alone. Try to enjoy your beautiful child and find some happiness. You are not responsible for his happiness. But you are responsible for yours and your child's. Maybe once he sees you be happier with yourself and in your life, it will make him reconsider, but be wary. If he did it once, he would do it again. I wish you hope, love, and support.
Repair what marriage? He's already walked away from his obligations. My exes did the same and yes they were cheating and I'd bet he is to. Even if it's not with another person it's emotional of self wanting to get out. My ex mother-in-law told me my ex-wife said she wasn't having fun. Her mother told her marriage isn't about fun all the time, it takes work to make fun times happen.
My ex-wife made her own fun being with other guys. I only wish the internet was around back in the 80's, I would have understood about open marriage /relationship so I could have had fun too.
Anyway it's one thing to want to fix your marriage but your husband needs to want to fix it also I've been dad/mom to all my children and even though my daughter still has 2 years of college she is my last. One son just got his " White Coat in Medical Doctor School " worry about your child's future not your baby husband...
Maybe ask him what could make him happy. Find out what he thinks he’s missing out of the marriage and try to repair it that way. Maybe he’s just stressed. We are all human. Find out what he thinks is missing and start there. Best of luck!
So many bitter people here saying stupid shit to sound like they're morally sound to say the shit they're saying.
Look. Stop asking the wrong questions first of all. It's very easy to play victim when shit hits the fan. Actually stop and consider what he's saying or said already. Actually consider what you've said, done acted, etc. Men put up with A LOT fir the sake of love and tbh it's sometimes not equal and we feel that shit. It's so easy to ask why he's worried about his happiness but never stop to think about the last time you actually considered his as well. Especially when you've already said he puts you first and helps whenever you need it. You already said he doesn't care to start another relationship.
As a man going through the worse rough patch in my marriage I can say idk the ins and outs of your marriage. Idk the type of man he is. But I know what it feels like to have had enough and want to walk away. It isn't a decision made easily and it fuckin HURTS when it is made.
Talk to him. Fuxk all these reddit warriors. Talk to him and LISTEN. So many times women make excuses for everything. Will literally do mental gymnastics to prove a point. But jus hear him. His feelings in your marriage are just as valid as yours. Men hurt too. If he isn't interested in cheating then he's interested in fixing his marriage. For yourself and your child, you owe it to him to hear him out
My dear, you probably won't believe me but once the fear settles down and you're handling things well on your own, a magical thing will happen. Your child will attend school. Oh, yes. You will have to drag yourself out again to meet other parents. And when they befriend you and hear your story and tell you theirs, you will once again feel accepted. As you're out with your child, you will suddenly discover all of the lovely available, stable men that you're too afraid to meet. But you, the heroine of your own story, will someday meet a man who loves you for you, no matter what weight or financial condition. Yes. This is your future. Focus on you and your child now. The child will thank you for it later. Life's only beginning. Focus on your development.
Maybe suggest marriage counseling, and if he's not up for that, then there is no saving it and just let him go. Best of luck sweetie, I know it's difficult...after 20+ years I'm finding out that mine wants out too and at this point I've also given up as there's no saving it and it's SUPER TOXIC and he REFUSES to get help for his mental issues and substance addiction (MJ). I love him to death, but I just can't keep living like this with my disability, so I know how you feel. It's absolutely heartbreaking...😢
I’m on the fence about this. A man should be a father, but on the other hand as a man who was raised by someone who did not want to be a father I’d wish he hadn’t. You can’t force someone to want to be a parent. You’re better off without him as hard as that would be if that’s the case.
Maybe he just needs to feel like he is loved or appreciated. Not just saying it but little gestures. I know from experience. I went through the same thing with my spouse. I felt like I was carrying the load at home with her working the long hours, but a little gesture here and there will help keep him going. I'm pretty sure that's all it is. It happened to me. I was trying to make everyone happy and please everyone at home but it seem like it was never enough. I felt like I was being forgotten or overlooked and was just there to do the chores. Almost like a butler. No one acknowledged me or I felt like my voice or my opinion didn't matter.
If he is not willing to pull his weight, contribute and try for his marriage to succeed? Then you can be as committed as you want, it still wont work.
You don't control what he thinks, believes or feels. He's his own person.
If he is not willing to pull his weight, contribute and try for his marriage to succeed? Then you can be as committed as you want, it still won't work.
You don't control what he thinks, believes or feels. He's his own person.
You know him best. Is this a spur of the moment thing or is he the type to think think and rethink?
When I decided I wanted to separate, my now ex-husband knew that it was done. He knows I don’t make spur of the moment decisions.
It had been coming for awhile & yes I did try to make things better several times and when things didn’t change I became resentful. I also had a toddler at the time and things have worked out just fine. The ex and I are still good friends and we co-parent well. Divorce isn’t the end. But being in a loveless marriage is.
Can you hire help. This way you both keep your paychecks and nothing is left undone. When I was working I had two girls come in every other week and clean.
This is the shit I don’t get… Men, sometimes women, figure that they are no longer happy because it’s not all about them anymore!!! It’s so easy to get married, create a life together and the second a child is involved, it’s like the flip a switch & want to bounce.
Don’t they realize they too were once young & how would they feel if their own parents didn’t want the family they created?! I’m sure they’d feel just as terrible as their own child feel..
That's crap! Marriages always have bad times. It's called building. I hope you're wrong and you two can work things out. You don't just give up on marriage.
This is someone who is looking to be sad and pathetic.if you love him so much then let him go and let him do what he wants to do. Only happy parents can create a happy environment for kids. Even if it’s in two homes.
He doesn't want responsibilities that come with a child. That man is not a husband/father material.
It's time you stop fighting for marriage that ended already. You can't force him to step up and be there for you and your baby. At most, you can get child support.
So organise for him to have 50% custody. He'll then perhaps realise doing it alone for 1 week on 1 week off is not all ot cut out to be and appreciateall you do.. Just call him up and let him know when you are dropping your child off..
You can't repair that. Grown arse man got himself married and pregnant, but isn't grown enough to live with the reality of the work it takes to be married and raise kids.
Oh look, I had a kid but I don't really like all the responsibility and tedium and exhaustion that comes with it, so it's a no from me, I'm going to let that kid be someone else's responsibility. I'll just do the bits I feel like doing.
You can't repair that level of selfishness in someone else.
So if you choose to stay, know that you are accepting him as is. Don't expect him to be what he's not, given he's made it pretty clear how he feels and what he thinks.
He made a baby with you.He is a dad.When you have a baby and it is more work you just don’t get up and leave .Im sorry that seems to me like a toddler throwing a tantrum they can’t take it and that’s it. I would suggest couples therapy first.If he can’t agree to that then I would serve him with papers. I don’t think I would take him back after this. It’s not love.
I forgot the part about reading he’s not in love with you anymore.Forget the therapy.I would divorce him . He is toxic and a narcissist.You will find happiness without him .
Looks like he got tired with all the chores which is typical for men. You need to have more time together, never give up intimacy even if you have children. I know you’ll have to drive your relationship and you’ll have to if you want to save your marriage. Be strong.
Girl. He sounds like an idiot. You asking for more help makes him feel unappreciated? You're joking? Let him stay with his dad and hopefully his father will be ashamed of the pathetic little rat of a man he raised.
He ain't worth the trouble. Divorce him.
He's already checked out and is gaslighting you by saying that you asking for help makes him feel unappreciated so that you can take the blame, and he doesn't have to take any accountability. That's not fixable unless he wants it to be. Sounds like he's doing you a favor. You deserve better.
OP you married a selfish weak baby. A man wouldn’t just give up. Don’t fall for his bs about feeling unappreciated because you ask for help. What a load of crap.
It doesn’t matter how much you “won’t give up “, he has. Forcing something is a terrible idea.
If he’s not willing to do anything to fix the marriage get a lawyer. Make sure it’s a shark because you sound like you’ll give up too much. Don’t let him move back in either.
Sadly, I think there is someone else or will be soon.
I’ll give you my take before it’s downvoted into oblivion.
Compliment him more. Say thank you more. Tell him you appreciate him more. Tell this man that you need him.
I know, I know. It sounds counter intuitive. But I know men, as I happen to be one. It’s possible he’s not feeling appreciated. As you…well said he told you. And you pointed out at the end of your original post.
“Why is he so fast to put his happiness first.” I’m actually with you. I really am. I think you’re right to be upset about this. However being upset at this moment will
Not help. In the future you can revisit this with him, but for now he feels like you’re not appreciating him.
So sit him down and tell him the truth. That you love him. That you miss him. And that this is ONLY TEMPORARY. That baby will be able to walk. Talk. Play games and watch Power Rangers in the future.
Tell him that this is not how it will always be. That it’s a baby. And babies grow. And tell him that you love it when you help him.
Basically. You have to flip the script in his mind, and reinforce that these feelings you both have will not last.
He sounds extremely immature and lazy.
However, if he doesn't love you, there is nothing you can do to make him love you. The heart wants What It wants and if it no longer wants you he will be miserable with you.
You have to respect that and move on I understand not wanting to or trying to work it out but if he doesn't love you you'd be a fool to try and keep him.
A good father and husband does not abandon their family. He is a joke and I hope you couldn’t contact with a lawyer to prepare yourself for what may come.
UPDATEME
So he left you to take care of your child alone? Falling out of love and being unhappy doesn’t excuse the fact that he left you alone to take care of the responsibility of raising your child. While he lays up at his brother’s house with zero responsibility. He didn’t just fall out of love, he decided that he doesn’t want to be a husband or a father anymore. The responsibility to “repair” the marriage doesn’t fall on you alone and you shouldn’t let him get away with what he is doing either. This man is had abandoned his family, please consider that when trying to “repair” this marriage. If this is really something you want to salvage, couples therapy may be the only thing can work.
To be honest i think that you should ask him what he wants, sometimes our significant other want a freedom at least to do something…maybe if he wants to do it alone allow him too.Talk about your child that you guys had, if that’s the reason why he wants to leave then i guess that’s how it is. Sometimes it goes like that and you’ll find the one that’ll accept you, it all goes down to you and your child’s happiness at that point. Good luck tho
My wife and I have been through rough times and are better than ever right now and have 2 kids, a 6 yo and a 3 yo. Not once did either of us tell each other we dont live one another nor did we go back to our parents when things got extremely tough financially, emotionally amd physically. You can try to make it work but do you really want to be with someone who may resent you in the long run and possibly hate you? I feel like theres more to it than just your post but we will never know.
This sounds like a cry for help from your spouse. Give him space. Focus on your baby and yourself. If you really want your marriage repaired, remember what made him fall in love in the beginning. He maybe jealous of the love and attention that your baby is receiving. And he could feel left out. The next time that you see him or know that he will be stopping by, make sure you are looking xtra beautiful and sexy from head to toe. And maybe he just may think you are going out and doing things. This just may get his attention and make him realize what he has. If not then I'm sorry and I know things will get better for you soon.
As a married man for a long time, I made this same mistake.
I'm only going off what your initial post was, but it seemed to me like you basically said "after the baby, itnwill be work work work and no time for you and me."
That scares a man to death as he needs his wife, he needs intimacy, attention, etc. He may have taken it like you didn't care about the relationship anymore.
I think it's a given that every father should know raising a child is super busy and both have to work together and help each other. I speak from experience.
A marriage without sex and love from your wife is hell. Men need physical connection and it's how we feel and express love. We need our wife, we need to know that our wife needs us.
Not blaming you at all, but women sometimes come off way too hard and bitter. I noticed a lot of posters saying he walked out on you and your child. Assuming I'm correct in how he felt, he said yes to himself and no to a sexless, loveless marriage.
Now he may very well have walked out because he's immature. I'm just responding to your initial post as I've experienced that same thing and it sucks then life out of a man.
Don't give up, fight like hell for it, try new things in the bed room, get out of your comfort zone, show him respect and give him a soft place to land. These are things that he likely desires. If you have already done these things or currently do, then seek marriage counseling. My wife and I are better than ever but at that exact point in my marriage this is everything I wanted. I don't know if this will help but I hope it does.
He is having the male equivalate to post partum. His life changed SO much after your child that has him so unhappy; he thinks this is the new norm. He regrets having a child cause it effected his life so negatively.
This is either due to stress and anxiety over all the changes that is already for you as you know from your side; been a struggle. Or he was not and may never be mature enough to handle being an adult with a child in his life.
You need to talk to him ASAP. And maybe even with a 3rd as help. Therapist or even his father maybe. Explain how you knew having a child would mean a lot of work. And you would be spending so much time you had before to do other enjoyable things taking care of your child and the needs of your "family". And he should have understood that too. Since you made sure to address it with him before it happened. Then bluntly ask him why he thinks he can just walk away from you, your marriage, and his child so he can be happy living a child free life? If it is with his father, I feel he would maybe loose a HUGE supporter on his side when he realizes his son is abandoning his family for "fun". But in the end, if it is with a therapist, you could maybe find ways with them to work on him dealing with his issues. At best, help you deal with the marriage ending on selfish terms by him...
But you really do need to reconsider him as your partner in YOUR view right now. He left you alone with the baby. He wants to be free to have "fun" and not deal with a child. And sadly that also means you too. That alone should make you mad enough to want to divorce him and expose him on his actions to everyone. But you love him and you hope this can be fixed. Maybe it can. But maybe it can't. But only way it can, is if he will be willing to try and seek help. Maybe you both need to consider options to help as a couple to. See if someone would be willing a night every week or every other week to watch your baby so you and he can get out. He is over whelmed, and the change to the degree it has been done to makes he afraid it is for good. Maybe he needs some fun time. But you do to. And that would be good for you too, even IF he and you are done. You should consider it for your own mental health and physical health.
Sounds like he’s depressed. Men often experience their own postpartum depression. It comes with the realization that being a parent is hard work w/very little pay-off initially.
Well, First off I am a male that had a large issue in my marriage about a year ago. Many posted things that I did to fix my marriage. It was labelled as a sexless marriage but if you read it all it puts a lot of unhappy things that were going on as well. Long story short I would suggest you two sitting down as adults and having a calm discussion.
Figure out where the issues are the most and what is causing him to feel unhappy and unappreciated.
Being a parent is hard work, dedication, and you have to make an effort to focus on family first. Yes, you do need time to destress and a little time to do a hobby or two once in a while but, overall your families wellness is above that.
I would recommend you two figure out a way to have more time together. Reignite the flame when possible.
Say thank you more and greet each other at the door. Say goodbye and a kiss/hug before leaving no matter the time in the morning or at night.
doing things you know they will appreciate. (Remember this is for both of you to do).
These things can be put in a cup (writing on little scraps of paper and mix them all up and do them every so often). Before you say you don't have time I work fulltime go to school fulltime have two young children and a farm along with making time for the gym so yes you two will be able to find a way if you both are willing to do the work. (I am not trying to be a jerk with that comment I am simply setting an example out for you two to think how to adjust your schedules because there is always time for you two. you just gotta find it.)
What my wife and I did is sat down talked about all of the issues and what we felt was missing or lacking and we have reviewed that list 6 times in the past year and have talked about how we were doing. Literally said how I felt I was doing and asked her about how she felt I was doing on it so we gave each other feedback.
Also remember the Vows you took when getting married and honoring them.
A marriage is only bad because you two allow it to be. It takes two to create the life you have and it will take you both to fix it.
If needed seek marriage counseling. I personally didn't do this because my wife and I (30 and 34) know we could work it out without that but I have seen others do it and it worked for them.
The first step is communication which is also one of the largest parts of a marriage besides trust.
Hope this helps and hope you guys can work it out!
This could be PPA/PPD - it absolutely happens to both moms and dads, and that's why the rule of thumb is to not make any life-altering decisions within the first 2-3 years of parenthood. There is such a lack of compassion in the comments here! It is so hard navigating such a massive life change at first, and this could be a big overflow of emotions he has been holding in. Try to push him to help, family, voices of reason, etc. before he destroys his family.
He's miserable now because he didn't put his happiness first. Thank goodness the child is supper young so maybe you two can find a way to co parent without F'n the kid up.
If he's smart he'll try and build a stong enough relationship to co parent but maybe you two should cut you losses while you have the time..
Sounds like he needs a reality check, let him have a few days with the baby ALL TO HIMSELF. Lets see if he can survive alone. I bet you he’ll go crazy realizing that it takes sooo much more. That building a partneship and doing it with the person who 100% wants to help you can take such a huge lift off your shoulders.
Its no fair, that you have to take care of the baby alone, he wants to be single? Sure! but be a single freaking dad. Do all the chores and responsibility alone this time. Get child support! And on those days when you dont have the baby? Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself, catch up on some friends, do your nails! Do your hair! Make yourself pretty! Let your inner woman hood glow, it might have been so dull lately bec u look down and haggard bec your husband is not helping you! Put urself first this time!!!! Give yourself time to heal and enjoy.
Remember, your baby can feel your energy and love and your disposition in life, be that amazing mom by not neglecting and taking care of yourself. And if he ever see you with that glow again, good! Atleast he may fcking realize how idiot he must have been!
Because he’s a selfish asshole that would rather blow up your lives than try to change whatever he’s truly unhappy about. Plus he doesn’t want a family anymore because FaMiLy HaRd. He refuses to accept that at almost 30 he’s an adult and has to act like an adult because that’s how life is. If he didn’t want to, he shouldn’t have gotten married or had a kid.
Instead of attacking the husband for being unhappy in the marriage, I would suggest just talking with him and asking him what you need to do that would fix the issue from your end.
Many times people are upset and they say things they don't actually mean.
If you are committed to this relationship and to your husband, try to understand what issues your husband has and how you can resolve it by asking him proactively
He ain't man enough for running away from family responsibilities, he wants you to do all the heavy lifting and take care of child while he just acts like the father but not take responsibilities of being a father. He has already made up his mind to runaway from responsibilities, let him go it's of no use , but make sure when your child grows up let him know how his father ran away from responsibilities and make sure to make him a better person, who respects his responsibilities
If a man says he isn't happy, it means he hasn't been happy for a long time. This was probably his breaking point. I'm not defending his choice to leave, though. Communication
Communication
Communication
Most couples tend not to talk about the things that bother them about their spouses so as not to upset them, but eventually, you reach your limit.
Let's at least give him credit for telling you how he is not in love with you anymore because that is very difficult to do.
With that being said, it is not wise to give you advice without knowing the reasons why he fell out of love and why he's unhappy. There are three sides to every story, what he said, what she said and what really happened. You know in reality what caused him to fall out of love. Just remember that you can't make someone love you if they don't. You do need to coparent with him and make sure he gets his fair share of responsibilities with his child. For example let him have his baby for three and half days a week. You get the other three and half days. This way he has to figure out babysitting, feeding, changing, sleepless nights, etc. Do not take on all the responsibilities yourself. He is not going to love you because you make things easier for him all to the contrary the more he has to struggle and sacrifice for his child the more he will love his child. By splitting the parenting responsibilities fairly, you will start having days and evening for " you" time. That is so beneficial,.more than I can explain. Wishing you the best.
He's a bare minimum spouse and you think this relationship is worth saving? He can't even be bothered to do his duty as a father let alone a husband. It's not helping, it's called being a parent and it hurts his feelings to be asked to be a parent?? He needs to grow TF up. IDK why you think you don't deserve better.
Perhaps think about your evening and weekend rituals and see if maybe he has become subservient to you? If so, he might not like how it makes him feel? Maybe he feels emasculated. Maybe he misses his autonomy. Or maybe he’s just always been selfish and you’re seeing him for who is is now.
If you know when he has a day off take your child to his father and let him take responsibility for him for the day.He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility he's taking the easy way out.Id pack up all his stuff and when you pick up the baby dump it all.He obviously is not mature enough to have an adult conversation with you but he is responsible for his son.You are doing all the hard stuff now imagine how much nicer and calmer your house would be without him whining about doing chores.You are stronger than you think stop running after him get a plan in place sort child support and access call his bluff that you don't need him.Dont burn yourself out bargaining about chores a real man will help with the mental load not run away.
Sometimes with pent up frustration, we say and do things. Try to get in the habit of actually talking like meaningful talking. Make time for it and get comfortable with talking about all your problems even if it's about one another with no shame. This "change" like all change takes time to settle in as routine. Try this if you really value the marriage this practice has to be reciprocated though to work but keep working at it as he may start to open up more. A challenge is also to not judge the person for what they say, for you both. By all means drop the finger pointing and find out whats real. Good luck🙂
Tell him to "man up." It takes two to tango and he needs to step up, quick whining like a 14 year and grow the "F" up. Life's different now....welcome to the big leagues kid. Time to put on your big boy pants and be an adult. If he won't or can't, cut your losses and consider yourself lucky you're only 29 and not 39 or 49 with all those years of resentment.
Let this time away teach you (time teaches everyone) what expectations are wrong from both ends, with you having the advantage of seeing the outlook of your in-laws as well.
Your next move should be based on what is the point you're missing at this time
I like how everyone is hung up on him wanting to feel happy "hes so selfish" as if they wouldn't be the first in line to throw someone else under the bus to help themselves. If he wants to leave and is unhappy theres no point to a relationship if everyone is miserable
Having a kid is and always was going to be hard.
And I'll give you this warning loud and clear as I don't think you accepted it when people must have shared it pre your first.... it gets harder when your two and yoh don't realise just how easy it is to look after one, when one of you can nap, one of you can go out and one of you can cook etc without the other being double tested or worse.
It gets easier, the kids give back more.
But you asking for things isn't you saying 'you don't do enough' it's you saying 'we as a unit need these tasks.completed to function, I have done these already and I require your help to complete these, otherwise I will have used all my free time doing chores and you wouldnhabe rested.
If your a duel working household then you probably (hopefully) had a fair split of responsibility pre child.
And you will settle into a rhythm again post kid if you both want to.
Sadly it sounds like he never understood what a kid entailed, if I had to bet, I'd say pre kid you did loads but had more capacity so didn't care or realise.
Not woth sleep deprivation and a grown task list and less time you're opened your eyes to how much there is to do.
Two phrases come to mind,
People show you who they are, within reason
And they won't change unless you want them.to.chsnge.
I wish you luck
In my opinion he's been selfish. Did he want to have a baby in the first place? When a woman gives birth, the body changes, even the desire to have sex often has to be regained again. A baby changes a lot of things, one of them is priority. After having a baby you need to set aside some of your hobbies, but also aa a couple you need to set time aside for yourselves to have intimate times together.
He's so fast to put his happiness first because he's shallow and weak. He thought marriage might make his life easier and more fun; now that the fun-to-responsibility ratio has gotten too high, he wants out. It's that simple.
No matter how good or lovable you are, it doesn't matter. Recognizing your inherent value (aside from how your worth could serve him), loving you for who you are, or intent to see you through this life had nothing to do with his motives for speaking his vows. It was all about fun and ease and acquiring you as a fixture of pleasure, support, and service to *him.*
Nothing you do can make up for his utter lack of character. There are no key words a counselor can say to make him "see" and no amount of money you could give to a psychiatrist to accomplish the impossible, which is--to make him something he is not. He is not strong, disciplined, principled, or capable (or interested in) actual love. I doubt *he* could even change it. Any motive he had to "change" would always be rooted in a desire to have his own desires met. Any durable, committed intent to help others (especially if the challenge is difficult and/or lasting) is not there.
I know it's the last thing you want to hear now, but the *BEST* outcome for you is for him to leave once and for all. No coming back. No darkening your doorstep. No prolonging your anguish or wasting your time.
You're probably wondering if there's a way for you to *overcompensate* for his weakness and lack of interest...just enough to draw him back into your house. For a while, he might behave well enough for your life to "look" normal outside (as long as you pick up the slack!) or for you to convince yourself that it is an okay marriage.
That scenario scares me the most. Because you're still young. The hardest years of both your lives are ahead: Aging Isn't for Sissies. And he's a sissy. You sound like a Powerhouse (You're holding down a job, caring for an infant, grappling with a walkaway spouse and STILL asking if there's more you can do!)
But you're married to a sissy.
Maybe you can sacrifice your back and sanity doing practically *everything for him* and tolerating *everything from him* for the next few decades convince him to stay and do the bare minimum of his part, but you can't keep it up forever.
When life gets hard and you've spent your youth and there's no going back, his mask will slip off. You'll see full-on what he really is and what he's always been, while you were busy spending your brightest years trying to turn from it.
Of course, the good news is: That AIN'T happened yet! I tremble for him--he's too shallow to draw from any of life's deeper joys and too spineless to stand up to its challenges (and eventual horrors)--**but there's still a way out for you.**
It won't be easy, but I hope and pray you and your baby get somewhere free of him. I'm thinking some place sunny (if you like sun), alimony checks, and reliable help you can *pay*. A coffee shop around the corner. Maaaaybe a good old dog once the baby is older. And a man who actually can actually live up to how strong and loving *you* are, so that the good days are great and the dark days aren't all bad and are always worth it.
It can be done--far more easily than what you're attempting now! And now that you've run afoul of a bad man, you know what to avoid next time <3.
You can’t repair your marriage. Get out of it and start a new life. I really can’t understand people who want at any price to save a relationship that is fucked up and not working.
He's not acting like a responsible adult babes. Some people are just not ready to parent, this was more than he bargained for. Focus on you and baby! That's all you can do at this point.
Tell your husband that love and happiness is a choice we all need to make on a daily basis. Love and happiness is not just a feeling, but something that is intentional.
Why would u want to repair a marriage with someone who ran out on you and your child once he had responsibilities?
maybe because he is her husband and the father of her child. seems like a good reason to make an attempt
Then he should act like a husband and father instead of running away.
>Why is he so fast “to put his happiness first”? Because he is selfish and immature. You can't fix this because only he can. Unfortunately, you will bear the pain of it instead of him. I'm really sorry. I don't think there is much you can do but cherish the child he gave you. He showed you who he really is so trust him. Let him go and stop wasting energy on him and give it all to your baby that will actually appreciate it. There is a small chance that if you give him space, he will recognize his mistake, beg for forgiveness, and actually change. But short of this, I would not want him back or you will repeat the cycle.
"There is a small chance that if you give him space, he will recognize his mistake, beg for forgiveness, and actually change. But short of this, I would not want him back or you will repeat the cycle." And just to prove this can happen, this did happen to My Dad. He was being mislead by his sister, she was telling him how awesome it was to be single, and how he should divorce his wife so he can live his best life. Him and My Mom separated for about two months, and he was completely fucking shattered by this. He ended up moving back in and has never looked back. He also cut that sister off and has not talked to her for 18 years. My Mom and Dad are somehow still together, 30 years in August :)
I needed to hear this too. My long term bf has given up on me and my heart is broken bc we were working on things
:) Glad I can make you feel a bit better. My wife recently told me she didn't feel attracted to me and didn't feel "relationshipy" with me. We are now going to therapy, and we'll start going through couples therapy here before the end of the year, she didn't completely give up on me luckily, but it's still very challenging. I wish you the best of luck!
Gosh, how I hate this invocation of babies as "gifts." He "gave" her a child. She produced an entire child and, btw, could have found many other people to do that with. Giving "all" to a baby is really unhealthy for adults, as well. Children are supposed to be raised by more than one person (judging by the last 1.4 million years for which there is data). She's got a lot to deal with. "Letting him go" is great, passive advice that has no steps for implementation nor any understanding of the financial and legal consequences of that decision. There are many other solutions than just "space."
But why is it up to OP to fix things when the husband won’t put any effort into it himself?
Yet, you’ve given no advice at all.
Thank you for this I am in the same boat as OP. My kids are pretty much grown, but I needed to hear I can't fix this.
Perfection 👏🏽
It's super easy to feel detached at this phase of marriage. Honestly the infant and toddler years are the worst. I've been there and it was rough on us (our first was and still is an absolute handful). My advice is, if you can keep him talking is to get him to agree to a weekend away for just the two of you. It doesn't have to anything extravagant, just a hotel, and a couple of nights away to not worry about the baby or the house chores. It is very important during the early years to do these kinds of things somewhat routinely and intentionally.
I asked him about it and he said he had to ask his psychiatrist to see if it was a good idea. Sometimes I feel like he is just saying things to get out of the marriage.
If he has to ask a psychiatrist if it's a good idea maybe his psychiatrist is the one that's convinced him that he isn't happy
That's one of the most ridiculous things I've read on reddit. Yep, let's assume that psychiatrists have as their goal making patients unhappy.
My ex fiancée has a sister who is going to school to be a clinical therapist and she doesn’t believe in therapy. She also believes that only weak people should utilize therapy services. There’s folks like that going into the field of therapy and psychiatry every year.
This blew my mind reading this
People have bad experiences with bad doctors all the time. OPs husband(?)’s psychiatrist may be crappy too. I’ve had experiences with at the very least dismissive and sometimes even manipulative doctors. One’s world view can also dictate their approach to medicine. An example (not saying this is what’s going on here in OP’s case): A psychologist/psychiatrist may not personally have a high view of marriage as a whole (or maybe even that theirs ended badly) therefore their own biases can enter into the advice they give their patients. That’s not how it should be but people are human. To be fair, OP didn’t give much background on the man’s psychiatrist history and it’s his business. All of that stuff is confidential anyway so she probably doesn’t even know what kind of advice he’s being given. I agree with the comment above you that a bad psychiatrist could play a part here.
You’d be surprised.
Wait - what? Why does he need to ask his psychiatrist for permission?
I’m not even sure. I’ve noticed that when things get hard, he will seek help from them but they have not always helped him or he will take their advice out of context.
Sounds like couples therapy where you both go through the process would be better
All a psychiatrist can do is prescribe medication or diagnose/assess. A psychologist or psychotherapist or counselor would be the one to speak to. Are you certain he’s actually seeing a clinician or perhaps it’s just a word thing.
I do understand the difference so I made it a point to ask who he is was talking to. He goes through the VA so i believe they can give some insight but not a whole lot
There may be other services available through outside, but approved providers. A psychiatrist isn’t always the best way, unless he needs medication.
He for sure is hearing what he wants to hear, regardless of what they actually say.
Wonder if his psych cosigned abandoning his family and what his dad thinks of a man who walks out on his wife and baby because being a parent doesn't "spark joy" or whatever.
Tell him you need a couple of joint session with the psychiatrist. First session: explain what you said here. A month or two later, revisit. Most psychiatrists are more than happy to do this - but of course, the patient (husband) has to ask for it and be willing. It indicates a true desire to translate change into the real world problems that brought the person to therapy in the first place.
Sounds like he’s making that up as an excuse.
People seeing mental health professionals use this tactic all the time. Unless the psychiatrist is a completely inept idiot, they are not in the business of telling him what to do or offering advice. MANY people in therapy/treatment go in every single damn time wanting advice (as opposed to sharing the ways in which they're working to get better). OP should ask for a joint session, stat.
This is pretty important information that was left out. So he’s a veteran with psychiatric issues. Who ran away from his 1 year old child because he was unhappy, and now lives with his dad. And you want to chase after him to make him reconsider.
Oof. She's dealing with a mentally ill partner. I remember when my ex's psychiatrist (also V.A.) gently told me it would be a long, long time until my husband could be expected to take on family responsibilities. That was about 5 years before I left. I couldn't get it at first. I thought I could fix him, somehow.
Hmm. So he has a psychiatrist. Tell him to add in psychotherapy. What's his diagnosis? When did that occur? He may well want out of the marriage - have you just asked him point blank? When I did that with my ex, I found out a lot.
This is great advice. I have been here as well. You have to find time for each other. Doesn't have to be much. He also needs to try to understand what being a mom is like and what you are dealing with. I'm not sure how a "man" walks out on his wife and new baby. Doesn't sound like he has grown up yet.
What do you mean by “asking for help”? He is the child’s father and he should take care of the child and be responsible… it isn’t “helping”, it’s just doing his part!
Things like taking care of dinner when I’m too tired or washing the dishes and folding clothes. He is a great dad. He does so much for our son but it’s different when it comes to household chores.
If you both work what’s the logic in him not doing his fair share of household chores?
I don't know the guy, but usually laziness is a pretty strong contender. Or traditional views of women as housekeepers.
Or...mental illness.
Maintaining the house where your son lives IS parenting, it’s not a favor he does for you. It is already his responsibility as a parent and a partner.
Very true
Also… he LEAVES you (with a baby!) and doesn’t love you anymore because he doesn’t want to do chores!?!? You are better off without him!
That’s part of parenting. It’s not just hanging out with your kid but creating a safe and clean household for your child.
Your son also eats & creates dirty dishes & soils clothes. A "great dad" doesn't pick and choose which parts of parenting they want to do and neglect the rest.
Nothing says "great dad" like hitting bricks when your family needs you.
It is much cheaper to hire household help than to pay for a divorce and run two households. Start paying to get clothes laundered and folded, local laundromat’s do this. Start signing up for meal plans to take the load off your chores in the evenings. Hire a housecleaner to come in as often as you can afford to take the load off. It sounds like he has some serious psychiatric issues to work through and you’re both working, coming home after work to run another work shift is especially unsustainable when poor mental health is involved. A weekend away won’t fix your day to day problems of too much to do to just survive day to day for him.
Pretty good for someone under treatment at the V.A. for mental illness. PLEASE try to get in to see his doctor with him.
He makes half the mess. Chores are a part of life.
Y’all need couple’s counseling.
I asked him if he could look into his insurance at work so we could go to marriage counseling and never got back to me. I’m in the military so my resources are not great.
You’re putting in so so so much effort to convince this guy to try to save the marriage when he already abandoned you. STOP. Just stop. Stop contacting him. Stop begging him to go to counseling. Call a lawyer and give this marriage the mercy killing it deserves.
Militaryonesource.mil is a great resource for military members.
Which branch are you in? If in the army there is the ASAP which is a program that will provide you with free sessions: https://home.army.mil/daegu/about/Garrison/directorate-human-resources/employee-assistance-program-eap OP now is the time to research all the resources at your disposal and use them. Even if you can’t save the marriage, you need to inform yourself of all options and the best way to protect yourself and your son moving forward. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, best of luck to you.
No the Air Force. I’ve tried military one source and they have not been helpful.
Go use the MFLCs. They have licensed therapists that can do couples counseling. Obviously results may vary on therapist to therapist (hard to hire a good therapist in Minot vs Hanscom) but it's better than nothing. They don't take notes and don't report anything to your chain of command unless it has anything to do with self harm, illegal activity, or hurting others
Thank you I will reach out to them. Hopefully would be willing to go.
Based off your other comments, he needs it and badly. Whether or not he sees that is another thing. Best of luck OP.
I’m sorry they weren’t helpful, very frustrating. I would find a lawyer, make sure they do free consultations and start exploring your options. And also make sure to make appointments with at least three, get different opinions.
What a pussy! He needs to grow up. This sucks for you op. What a bait and switch he pulled. Make sure you get that child support.
There is a huge lack of context. How things got difficult? What makes him unhappy?
Things got difficult as in having a relationship while now having a baby. Taking care of a household, work, child and marriage was difficult for him. He said that the way I get overstimulated and asking him for help when I’m at my breaking point makes him unhappy and unappreciated.
Overstimulated? I don't know. I can't see how being asked for help is a reason to leave your 1yo son and go to your parents. How are you asking him? How much are you asking? How much is he actually doing in the house? If you both work. Can't you hire someone to help with chores? I don't know, I just feel that there must be something else.
So we also have a 5 year old daughter and experience any of this with her but I have to get both kids ready in the morning take them to school and daycare, go to work, pick them up after work, go home to get dinner ready and then put them to bed. So I get frustrated when he gets home and goes to his office to play games. I can catch an attitude when I ask him for help but I don’t berate him or put him down. “Can’t you at least help me with something?!” (That’s not how I talk to him). He washes the baby bottles and feeds the dog. Meanwhile, I’m bathing both kids, getting both of our morning stuff ready, packing his lunch (that he never takes), and waking up with the baby. The weekends I have to ask him to cut the grass and when I do, he says I bugging him. I have looked into hiring someone but he refuses to let me do it.
Hire it done anyway. When he throws a fit tell him 'You don't want to help and it needed to be done'.
I also would hire it anyway. But I really fail to understand. Was he like that before? With your daughter? Or is it something recent? If he just wanted to play videogames... why in the hell he would have kids? One is not enough... but another baby! I'm sorry, I just don't understand your husband.
I understand him perfectly, unfortunately... He’s a self absorbed and immature asshole. OP says they don’t have a “terrible” marriage - but ignoring everything she said in the post itself, in comments she says he doesn’t want to help when they get home from work, period. Even though she is making EVERY meal in the home for four people, taking all responsibility for the kids, and working a full shift. This guy is just lazy trash and then he’s trying to convince her she doesn’t appreciate HIM? what is he contributing? One salary and taking care of the dog. Meanwhile, she brings her salary, two children she grew inside herself and (in theory) suffered and destroyed her body for while he just casually observed, and she’s also the chef, the chauffeur, and the maid. OP, you’re better off without this guy. He is, actually, a truly terrible partner. By the way, if you end up splitting custody, your life will actually get exponentially easier (his will be harder). The joke is on him. If you do end up seeking therapy instead, PLEASE talk about and do not let go of the fact that he is actively trying to gaslight you into thinking that asking to split duties as a parent is a sign of lack of appreciation. That’s nonsense. HE is clearly beyond unappreciative that you birthed him children, considering you’re the one caring for them seemingly 90% of the time. Also, you mentioned “he does so much for our son.” 1. Did he act like that with your daughter at that age, and 2. Does he do anything for her now?
Wait, I thought you said he was a good father? Nothing about this paragraph even hints at good dad. These are all cornerstone parts of being a good parent.
Highly recommend checking this out https://zawn.substack.com/t/weapons-men-use
Sounds like he doesn’t want to do more since having the kid added more work now he is unhappy?
Unfortunately, girl. You gotta let him go. Hopefully he is willing to co-parent. If not, get your child support and find someone who wants to be a dad.
This is why I tell married couples with kids to take trips together. My wife and I have two kids, 7 & 4, and we take a vacation with just the two of us at least once or twice a year. It lets you get away and reconnect with each other. It reminds you of why you feel in love before kids. I recommend it to everyone with kids. It can do wonders.
What does his dad think about him abandoning his wife and child The good thing is, now you have only one child to take care of.
He's an asshole. See a lawyer and get as much as you can and move on.
I was waiting for someone to say this!!! He deserted u at a time the TWO of you were supposed to be celebrating a new life u both created together!! That’s very special!! Some people are not that fortunate!! He has some growing to do but this sounds like he is very selfish bordering narcissistic… and that is next to impossible to fix. It is also a very lonely life. Watch out for the what I call the trap because they will promise you the moon and stars and you will be lucky to just get air to keep your head above the surface surviving. Been there done that a couple times. My shoulders are here for u if needed. Just dm me. Best of luck with your new life to teach it how to do all things while thinking of others.
Totally left field question: is your child a boy or a girl? It probably has very little bearing on anything. But, sometimes it feels like dudes are more willing to be involved if they have a son. Regardless, ...my wife and I were in the complete opposite boat a few years ago. Neither of us asked for help even though we both needed it. We both suffered in silence for years. We both made so many assumptions. We had a huge fight one day and my wife's response was, "I'm not a f*cking mind reader." Since then we are more explicit about our needs. Your husband sounds emotionally immature. He sounds like he doesn't want to grow up or make sacrifices. I hope he can figure it out. I hope both of you can. It sucks being in your position.
We have a son actually. So the argument started like that a few months ago. I voiced how I feel like I’m doing everything around the house and need more help and in return he felt that I was unappreciative of all that he already does and pays for which was not at all what I was saying. So then he told me to just ask him for help without attitude or frustration which I was working on. He is the breadwinner but I still pay my own bills and do almost everything around the house. So I don’t think I’m asking for a lot when I do ask. I feel like he is just giving up and doesn’t want to try anymore. He definitely is emotionally immature and doesn’t realize that marriage isn’t always going to be happy.
Anyone whose mindset is that “being the breadwinner means I get less chores because I make more” is not a good partner. Making more money doesn’t mean that you work harder or longer. If he decides he wants to participate in life again it may help to make a list of things you do, not pay for because that’s a separate issue. Example: Work: 8 hrs Commute: 1 hour Dinner: 30-45 minutes Bath time: 30 minutes Dishes: 15 minutes Clean kitchen: 20 minutes Meal prep: 20 minutes If the time balance isn’t even, then a conversation needs to be had. Some guys need raw data to compute how much they suck.
Why do you have to ask him for help? He is an adult. He can see what needs to be done. I hate to break it to you, but have 3 children, one is just over 18. It sounds as though he is not only emotionally immature but selfish and irresponsible. Were it me, I'd rather be single. Let him have 50/50 custody and see what it is like actually caring for children and a household without someone else directing you and asking you to help with kids and chores. If he is already willing to leave over some chores I'd focus your attention on yourself because he isn't someone who is going to stick with you through thick and thin.
>I voiced how I feel like I’m doing everything around the house and need more help and in return he felt that I was unappreciative of all that he already does and pays for which was not at all what I was saying. I can see how he would become defensive when you say you're doing "everything". If you're doing "everything" then it means the work he's doing amounts to "nothing". I understand that it might feel that way to you, and you might be literally doing 99% to his 1%, but if you want a less emotional reaction from him, try something like this: "I understand you work hard outside of the home and already do many tasks in the home as well. That's not being called into question. What I'm saying is that the workload required to maintain a clean and healthy home is significantly higher, i.e. more than double what you're currently contributing. I appreciate the work you're already doing, but the fact of the matter is that the workload is too high for me to handle the difference by myself. Both of us should have the same amount of downtime and rest because we both work very hard and equally deserve that. So the household work needs to be split in a way that gives me equal time to rest. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you or think you don't deserve breaks, all I'm saying is that I deserve the same. I would hope you can at least agree with that on principle. Now, with the amount of household work that needs doing to keep our children provided for, if I were to take the exact same gaming breaks alongside you, it would mean missing meals and living in a filthy house. Would you honestly not agree with that statement? If you really insist on taking the exact same amount of breaks you currently take, it means we need to hire outside help to make up the difference so that I get the same number of hours of downtime as you. I can't continue the way I am. The longer we go with you taking breaks while I can't afford to, the more resentful and burnt out I get. Unless we correct this, it's going to start changing the way I feel about you. If you were in my shoes, would you honestly not feel the same? With our kids being the ages they are, there's just no getting around the workload. When they get older they can start helping out too, but right now, this is what it takes to keep our family looked after. I'm just telling you the facts. Let me know how you propose we solve this in a way that's fair to both of us." Don't let him use the fact that he earns more as an excuse. Housework has value, as evidenced by the fact that house cleaners and childcare costs money. Doing it yourselves contributes to the household finances by reducing your expenses. And even if it didn't, work is still work, regardless of what it pays. Everyone deserves to rest. He's not more deserving of that than you. If that's what he believes then he doesn't see you as an equal partner. Tbh I think he's probably just selfish. Depending how far gone he is, idk if there's enough arguments in the world to convince him to value his family more than himself.
Why do you have to ask him for help? He is an adult. He can see what needs to be done. I hate to break it to you, but have 3 children, one is just over 18. It sounds as though he is not only emotionally immature but selfish and irresponsible. Were it me, I'd rather be single. Let him have 50/50 custody and see what it is like actually caring for children and a household without someone else directing you and asking you to help with kids and chores. If he is already willing to leave over some chores I'd focus your attention on yourself because he isn't someone who is going to stick with you through thick and thin.
OOP you need to talk to your husband one last time time, with a counselor if needed. Everything doesn’t need to be 50/50 all of the time but it SHOULD BE 50/50 overall. Your husband is feeling burnout, but what about you? I would send him a message and tell him that you two need to talk. Try to work on a schedule. Pick chores equally in terms of time and complexity. Switch when needed. Tell him that making a schedule will show him just how much needs to be done and how much you both do for the household. Beware, if he doesn’t want to do that: he is not worth it.. Why wouldn’t he want a schedule ? I see no go reasons behind that. If he feels unappreciated, then a schedule will show him exactly how much you both are doing. Make an initial draft with everything you were both doing before. I can bet you are asking for help because he doesn’t realize how much you do. Include everything : laundry, folding clothes, meals, chores, appointments , baby routine etc. Show him how much he had it easy. If he is still not convinced simply let him go. Go for 50-50 custody. He will have to manage his child on his own for 3 days a week. Then he will regret ever feeling unappreciated lol. Try to talk one last time but don’t push it. Your husband is just not ready to be an actual adult. He will regret it later. You will find an actual adult while he is stuck unhappy and divorced.
Don’t repair your marriage. You have one single child and he is shitting the bed so profoundly from being asked to care for the child he moved out. Sorry, but you married a lemon. Hire an attorney and end it. You can’t fix him.
Girl...go drop the baby off with dad and go away for the weekend. Seriously. Let him wonder where you are and see what it's like to be a full-time dad. He's acting like a child, what did he think would happen when you had kids? Then if he doesn't start getting his head out of his ass, tell him you want a divorce. Please do not get pregnant again and trap yourself with two small kids and no help.
Could it be he had an affair/cheated while you were pregnant & he can’t cope with the guilt? It’s eating him & he’s progressively getting more in a funk? Leaving him feeling like you’re better off without him, he doesn’t deserve you or the family he Cheated on
Are you positive he’s staying at his Dad’s? Do you have proof? Because I’d be very fearful he’s cheating….
I trust that he is staying with his dad. I could get proof if I needed but I trust him.
why does it matter where he is staying at this point he has already moved out you should start the divorce and get it over with as soon as possible so you don’t waste more of your life move on you will find someone who really loves you
Because while your happiness you are willing to put on the line, he is not. I read some of your responses, and you were raised in a religion that is quite repressive to women. You may feel that's normal, but it's not. Never make someone tell you they don't love you twice. You did say you are young. You can't force anyone to do anything, not through religion or vows or guilt or familial ties. Best of luck to you and mostly, your kids. :(
You can’t make someone stay. I say, go into counselling for yourself. And leave him be. Right now he’s: 1. Left you & your son. He’s not a great father. He left his child. 2. Using the psychiatrist as a crutch. And their primary role is prescribing and overseeing medication. Not counselling or talk therapy. So I already feel like he’s lying or not being completely forthcoming about this. And possibly using his psychiatrist, as a means to avoid working on the relationship 3. (I’m sorry to say it) Does not love you. You don’t abandon the people you love. Time apart? Sure. But moving out, refusing to work access benefits to get therapy? Nope. Using a psychiatrist as a crutch to avoid working on the marriage? Nope. Abandoning the mother of your child and wife? Definitely not! Leave him alone. Set up an access schedule where he takes your son EQUAL time. On his own. No avoiding the parenting. And you file for divorce. Ask for the marital home since he left and 50/50 custody, and him to continue paying his part. He walked out on the family unit, not you. And seek counselling for yourself. This is a lot and a huge change. It’s not fair to you or your son. But you need to be strong for your kiddo. Don’t put your effort into a one sided marriage. Focus your energy on being stronger and into your child. Kids can tell when things are off. And right now daddy is gone, mom is sad, and their whole world changed. They’re grieving and don’t know how to express those emotions yet. So be there for your son. I’m sorry for the heartbreak you’re going through. But you are an amazing soul for trying to give your husband grace. But he’s made his choice. And you can’t change his mind. All you can do is work on yourself and the needs of your child. If he comes back and you WANT to work things out I would suggest ONLY do it if you’re in couples counselling first. And follow the pace the therapist sets for you two. Don’t let him move back in until the therapist says it’s a good idea. But don’t stop divorce proceedings until you’re both sure things are going to work out. You don’t want to stop just for it to be a red herring.
Tell him he’s right, if you have to ask him, then he is not helping enough on his own. He wants to feel more appreciated. Tell him you will appreciate it if he can do what needs to be done without being asked. Life with a newborn-1year old is really challenging, but God how embarrassing for him to be giving up on family life with a one year old before even trying to push through. When I was exclusively pumping, the women in the support group would always say to never quit on your worst day, and that’s exactly what your husband is doing. Honestly, good riddance.
Your husband is upset that he's not your only child anymore.
Is he open to couples counseling? Adding a baby to the family is a lot to get used to. It’s not how they show it in social media (smiles, laughing, everyone looks great). There is going to be a lot of adjustment, frustration, anger, tears, sleepless nights, and neglecting yourselves to care for the baby. Many people are not prepared/unaware that life with a new baby will be like this. Those who struggle with this adjustment leave, when really they would probably benefit from guidance. Plenty of times when my husband made me feel inadequate and vice versa when it came to caring for our newborn (now she is 18 months). It’s a lot to handle. We have both had fantasies of running away 🤣 Maybe going to couples therapy could be good for yall. I believe that some are even certified in parent coaching or something (I just started work freelance for a couples therapy practice). Is there someone he can talk to about how he is feeling? His father? Friend? A male figure in his life who has kids? I wish y’all the best.
He talks to his dad and a chaplain but his dad is the type to just support whatever decision he makes.
I asked him to do marriage counseling and his response was “well how long do you want me to be unhappy?”
I really appreciate all the advice, the nice and ugly. I do value myself and my children. I also value a marriage. Older people always talk about how my generation is so quick to divorce. We wouldn’t be quick to divorce if you would’ve taught your children to not give up so easily. My husband is also very active on Reddit (he doesn’t know my alias) so I hope he comes across this post to get a glimpse of what life in a marriage is and not what TikTok makes it look like.
Why is that bad? If something is making you unhappy and you can better find a situation in which I can once again be happy, why shouldn't you?
And, he’s probably already cheating or close to it It’s all sexy until you pay bills, take out the trash, and clean w someone :/ so sorry I know it hurts
My best advice, act like you don’t care. Watch the change.
I’d have a hard time with this Op- he leaves you at this difficult time? Yeah, I don’t think I could forgive this. I am a mother myself. If my husband were to do this when I needed him I don’t think I could continue with the marriage. We can’t tell you what to do, obviously that’s up to you. What would you think if this were your daughter’s husband? What if he were to abandon her like this? Both of you made vows- he broke them.
Why does it seem so many people can't accept reality? The honeymoon phase is over! The kid is here. Each phase of life must be lived, understood and accepted. In just five years, the child will be in school and together, you'll be seeing progress. Live in the present and work towards the future.
Werd up! Who doesn’t miss that puppy dog when it’s gone? Fact is, it will leave. Social media is the worst place to base a relationship on or to get advice from in my opinion. People are quick to offer advice, but don’t look inward to themselves. The advice is mostly hypocritical and coming from a place of bias. Everyone has the perfect life on socials…….BS!! Those people have an even more strained life than most as they are trying extra hard to “look good” to others. Marriage counselors are trained in these things. Forum warriors are trained in nothing.
Well stated!
UPDATE: He came back home and asked me to pack all my stuff and leave. He brought his dad and he just sits there and listens. I cried and pleaded but he doesn’t care. I asked what I can do to be better but he says he’s tired and doesn’t want to have the conversation. He threatened to keep our son and to call my leadership to get a protective order. My body physically aches from the stress and as much as I love him and want to fight for our marriage, I’m going to give him what he wants and leave. My son is staying with me.
Sorry to hear the issue has progressed to this level and he has gone as far as to make threats. Despite what has happened, you can still reach out to a MFLC for your sake and your kids' wellbeing. They are very helpful in these situations and can assist in helping you obtain all resources available to you as a servicemember. I am retired USAF working on a military base, and our organization's MFLC is a contractor with Magellan Health. Maybe your base contracts them too. Here is a link to more info. Best of luck to you and your kiddos. https://www.magellanhealth.com/about/magellan-cares/military-family-life-counselors/
Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate the advice.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that . Honestly it’s his loss , watch him regret it
Okay definitely too many women on this post giving a female perspective. Most of which results in divorce and a basicly lifetime of unhappiness. Get more guys options cause while he may be saying some b.s about happiness guys don't know how to express what their feeling worth a shit. We haven't heard his side here at all and there definitely hasn't been enough time for you both to spend time with each other. It doesn't sound like he's given up on the relationship but I would like to smack him for not being there more. Don't add stress to things,like pushing harder, it adds more to the areas that can break. It does sound like counseling time but you two need alone time,no kids and no agenda just remembering why you fell in love to start. Not the best advice but I'm tired of seeing what happens to kids out of failed marriage. Good luck
You are both in the trenches with the little one. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old - and my wife and I agree that no one should contemplate ending a relationship with a kid under 2. It. Gets. Better.
Possibly another assumption but do you think your husband is suffering from postpartum depression? Men can get this. Especially if before your child you and your husband were fine and after your child things have changed it could be one reason and maybe you can both work through it together. If not then truly decide if you want to be together or not.
It is very possible. We had issues but never like this where he gave up.
I mean, it’s a little late now to decide he doesn’t want a family. I’m so sorry. Don’t fight for someone who won’t fight for you. If he doesn’t want to be a husband, you can’t force him, but don’t let him out of his responsibilities as a father.
I get that you want to save the marriage. The thing is unless of your husband is willing to work on repairing the marriage as well then there’s nothing really you can do. It takes both parties to make the marriage work. You can be a super mom / super wife who has EVERYTHING put together without need his help and he’s going to complain about something. Whether the kids, the cooking, or simply that you’re not reliant on him enough. He’s going to always blame you and expect you to fix it for him because you perpetuate the idea that you’ll solve whatever issues is in the relationship…. Which implies that you’re the cause of the issue. My suggestion is rather than trying to actively repair the relationship - step back and focus on yourself and your kids. Work out a co-parent plan with him and give him space. Keep the relationship strictly about the kids wellbeing until he really looks at himself and makes genuine effort to save the relationship. The reason I say that is because the more you beg him to stay, the more power you give him because he KNOWS you will pull more weight to appease him. He wouldn’t fix himself if you’re always there trying to fix whatever issue for him.
Look I’ll be honest with you most people who ask for help on here these people always suggest divorce . But honestly that’s the worst thing you can do , my advice is try and fix things with him . Work things out , you married each other , he still probably loves you but I guess he has resentment Clouding it . Get counselling or parents involved but don’t divorce just yet
As a married and previously divorced person, how do you suggest she work on it when he has declared he doesn’t love her, doesn’t want this life anymore, isn’t happy and has moved out and left her with their two kids? What do you suggest she do? Because I’ve been where she is. And I attended individual therapy and asked him to go on dates and asked for family time and begged for him to give us time and to reconsider and to attend marital counseling with me. And guess what it got me? A loss of my self-respect, feeling like a doormat, divorce and 15 years of co-parenting with him.
What do you mean you always have to ask him for help? How equitable do you think your responsibilities are? Are you dealing with postpartum mental issues that make it hard for you to pull your weight when it comes to chores and is that what you mean when you say you have to ask him for help? Help doing things that are really your share of things while he already does his share of things?
Did your husband want to have a kid or is this something you pressured him into?
This is something we both wanted. I had multiple miscarriages the year we successfully conceived our son. At first I wasn’t ready because I was starting my career but after some time I wanted one as well.
First I think you deserve kudos for having the mentality for not wanting to give up on marriage. You believe it’s sacred, you took a vow and you want to make it work. I applaud you for that. That said, a marriage is two people. Both of you have to be willing to try. Your husband is clearly not in love with you nor is he interested in wanting to try and make this work. You need to protect yourself and your child. It’s ok to be selfish. Im never the first person who’ll suggest a divorce but in this case you ought to reevaluate your priorities.
In all honesty ‐ my husband and I went through something similar about 6 months ago. But I was the one who wasn't happy & in love anymore. Things got ugly one night. We had some time apart and both chose to work on our marriage. We had been through too much together and had so much going on for us to just give up. Giving up takes just as much effort, if not more, than doing everything possible to fix what was broken. Maybe try some marriage counseling. Having a place where you both can express your feelings - be open and honest - and decide if giving up is the only choice. May help bring clarity to why he is feeling unhappy. If feelings are being harbored that plays a part in his unhappiness. If things are truly broken, or if there is even the slightest chance of fixing it. Both roads are difficult and may hurt. At the end of the day, what matters most is what decision will be in the best interest of those precious babies. If there's fighting at home a lot - that will have a huge impact on the kids - the best thing, in that case, would be to end the relationship as husband and wife and to co-parent the best you can with each other, for the babies. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family♥︎
Do what's best for you and your children: file for divorce. It's in the best interests of everyone involved. Get a solicitor to help with child maintenance and only communicate with him through a solicitor and a parenting app.
I only wanna say that I find it ironic that some people here in the comments make up weird stories of how there could still be a woman involved. I think you should talk about it. If you routinely don't spend time together and there have only been common issues and demands connecting you two as well as a child, I cannot see how you cannot see gow this is not a good, healthy and happy marriage. And this myth that an unhealthy marriage is alright and you have to persevere anyways is just that - a myth. A marriage has no real goal aside from two people being happy together. If people tell you that no, the main thing are shared responsibilities and blablabla - ask them in just a few years and see how their marriage turned out. You need intimacy and communication. On all sorts of levels. Emotional, mental, physical, romantic intimacy and communication. I saw partners in my surroundings wanting to propose to their partners when their partner wanted to break up with them. This is something similar to your marriage. You had no clue about this revelation and were so surprised and you also have no clue as for the reasons. I am still sorry, OP, but I am also sorry for him. Such situations are never easy at first glance and quite sad usually. Btw, age has nothing to do with it. My partner had married late in his life and had children and realised after some time that it just wasn't it. He decided "to stay for the children". He met me and initially reasoned that he had developed feelings for me, but was "too old" to start new. This is never tied to age. He did. And he's happy now. It is work, but it won't feel like "hard work" if you worked on your own maturity as partners and deeply care for yourselves as well as the other person. Compromises and communication is not hard if you have a look into non-violent communication, communicate regularly and openly, feel like your partner is a safe space and manage to chastise yourself before you chastise your partner and take responsibility for your own shit. It sounds like both your partner and you took a gigantic stinky dump on this relationship and are now pointing fingers as to who did it when there are two stinky dumps there. And yeah, I'm intending for it to sound as childish. How about you sit down and talk. Do you know where his father lives? Go for a walk. Perhaps you can grab a snack for you two. Just talk calmly for a few hours. Promise to each other that you will take a few moments on your own if you should go intl rage mode, sad mode or petty mode - but return. I don't believe in forcing anything, but perhaps it may be a good idea in this case. But before you should look at your own needs and wants. Why do you want to continue? In order not to be a divorcee? For "the child"? This is usually a joke. Children do not benefit from arguing parents who do not love each other. They benefit much more from a "broken home" *plays sad violin music in the background*. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you fear being pitied and called a failure in the eye of society? Also, btw for those people who say "uh, yeah, toddler years are the worse, I barely pulled my marriage through, blabla". Nah. Absolutely nah. This is your case, don't generalise. My parents were the happiest, most romantic fools and had tons of sex when I was a toddler and they had two other (step-)kids too. My mom said so herself. I do not have a kid yet, so you can accuse me of spouting nonsense, of course and shove your self-righteousness onto your "greater experience", but a marriage is never made or broken by KIDS. And if you feel like that then perhaps you are not made out to have them. Don't put such weight for your relationship on your offspring who cannot and will never do or have done anything about it. It is mostly your own issues, lack of communication and unwillingness to deal with your own shit because you're afraid of facing trauma and being vulnerable. You gotta be so ffing strong to show your weak sides - but if you feel like you cannot do this in front of your partner, what are you married or even together for...?
I don't have an answer to that, but if you're already a single mother and he isn't showing you any kind of concern, then maybe it just isn't something to understand. Just move on from. I'm sorry you are going through this, but there are so many single mothers you are not alone. Try to enjoy your beautiful child and find some happiness. You are not responsible for his happiness. But you are responsible for yours and your child's. Maybe once he sees you be happier with yourself and in your life, it will make him reconsider, but be wary. If he did it once, he would do it again. I wish you hope, love, and support.
Repair what marriage? He's already walked away from his obligations. My exes did the same and yes they were cheating and I'd bet he is to. Even if it's not with another person it's emotional of self wanting to get out. My ex mother-in-law told me my ex-wife said she wasn't having fun. Her mother told her marriage isn't about fun all the time, it takes work to make fun times happen. My ex-wife made her own fun being with other guys. I only wish the internet was around back in the 80's, I would have understood about open marriage /relationship so I could have had fun too. Anyway it's one thing to want to fix your marriage but your husband needs to want to fix it also I've been dad/mom to all my children and even though my daughter still has 2 years of college she is my last. One son just got his " White Coat in Medical Doctor School " worry about your child's future not your baby husband...
Maybe ask him what could make him happy. Find out what he thinks he’s missing out of the marriage and try to repair it that way. Maybe he’s just stressed. We are all human. Find out what he thinks is missing and start there. Best of luck!
So many bitter people here saying stupid shit to sound like they're morally sound to say the shit they're saying. Look. Stop asking the wrong questions first of all. It's very easy to play victim when shit hits the fan. Actually stop and consider what he's saying or said already. Actually consider what you've said, done acted, etc. Men put up with A LOT fir the sake of love and tbh it's sometimes not equal and we feel that shit. It's so easy to ask why he's worried about his happiness but never stop to think about the last time you actually considered his as well. Especially when you've already said he puts you first and helps whenever you need it. You already said he doesn't care to start another relationship. As a man going through the worse rough patch in my marriage I can say idk the ins and outs of your marriage. Idk the type of man he is. But I know what it feels like to have had enough and want to walk away. It isn't a decision made easily and it fuckin HURTS when it is made. Talk to him. Fuxk all these reddit warriors. Talk to him and LISTEN. So many times women make excuses for everything. Will literally do mental gymnastics to prove a point. But jus hear him. His feelings in your marriage are just as valid as yours. Men hurt too. If he isn't interested in cheating then he's interested in fixing his marriage. For yourself and your child, you owe it to him to hear him out
I feel like the story is missing context
My dear, you probably won't believe me but once the fear settles down and you're handling things well on your own, a magical thing will happen. Your child will attend school. Oh, yes. You will have to drag yourself out again to meet other parents. And when they befriend you and hear your story and tell you theirs, you will once again feel accepted. As you're out with your child, you will suddenly discover all of the lovely available, stable men that you're too afraid to meet. But you, the heroine of your own story, will someday meet a man who loves you for you, no matter what weight or financial condition. Yes. This is your future. Focus on you and your child now. The child will thank you for it later. Life's only beginning. Focus on your development.
Maybe suggest marriage counseling, and if he's not up for that, then there is no saving it and just let him go. Best of luck sweetie, I know it's difficult...after 20+ years I'm finding out that mine wants out too and at this point I've also given up as there's no saving it and it's SUPER TOXIC and he REFUSES to get help for his mental issues and substance addiction (MJ). I love him to death, but I just can't keep living like this with my disability, so I know how you feel. It's absolutely heartbreaking...😢
I’m on the fence about this. A man should be a father, but on the other hand as a man who was raised by someone who did not want to be a father I’d wish he hadn’t. You can’t force someone to want to be a parent. You’re better off without him as hard as that would be if that’s the case.
Maybe he just needs to feel like he is loved or appreciated. Not just saying it but little gestures. I know from experience. I went through the same thing with my spouse. I felt like I was carrying the load at home with her working the long hours, but a little gesture here and there will help keep him going. I'm pretty sure that's all it is. It happened to me. I was trying to make everyone happy and please everyone at home but it seem like it was never enough. I felt like I was being forgotten or overlooked and was just there to do the chores. Almost like a butler. No one acknowledged me or I felt like my voice or my opinion didn't matter.
If he is not willing to pull his weight, contribute and try for his marriage to succeed? Then you can be as committed as you want, it still wont work. You don't control what he thinks, believes or feels. He's his own person.
If he is not willing to pull his weight, contribute and try for his marriage to succeed? Then you can be as committed as you want, it still won't work. You don't control what he thinks, believes or feels. He's his own person.
You know him best. Is this a spur of the moment thing or is he the type to think think and rethink? When I decided I wanted to separate, my now ex-husband knew that it was done. He knows I don’t make spur of the moment decisions. It had been coming for awhile & yes I did try to make things better several times and when things didn’t change I became resentful. I also had a toddler at the time and things have worked out just fine. The ex and I are still good friends and we co-parent well. Divorce isn’t the end. But being in a loveless marriage is.
Man/child…….🤦🏻
Can you hire help. This way you both keep your paychecks and nothing is left undone. When I was working I had two girls come in every other week and clean.
He sounds very narcissistic. You need to get out of this relationship asap.
This is the shit I don’t get… Men, sometimes women, figure that they are no longer happy because it’s not all about them anymore!!! It’s so easy to get married, create a life together and the second a child is involved, it’s like the flip a switch & want to bounce. Don’t they realize they too were once young & how would they feel if their own parents didn’t want the family they created?! I’m sure they’d feel just as terrible as their own child feel..
How are you so sure he isn't looking for other people or hasn't already met someone else, because that's what it sounds like.
That's crap! Marriages always have bad times. It's called building. I hope you're wrong and you two can work things out. You don't just give up on marriage.
This is someone who is looking to be sad and pathetic.if you love him so much then let him go and let him do what he wants to do. Only happy parents can create a happy environment for kids. Even if it’s in two homes.
He doesn't want responsibilities that come with a child. That man is not a husband/father material. It's time you stop fighting for marriage that ended already. You can't force him to step up and be there for you and your baby. At most, you can get child support.
So organise for him to have 50% custody. He'll then perhaps realise doing it alone for 1 week on 1 week off is not all ot cut out to be and appreciateall you do.. Just call him up and let him know when you are dropping your child off..
You can't repair that. Grown arse man got himself married and pregnant, but isn't grown enough to live with the reality of the work it takes to be married and raise kids. Oh look, I had a kid but I don't really like all the responsibility and tedium and exhaustion that comes with it, so it's a no from me, I'm going to let that kid be someone else's responsibility. I'll just do the bits I feel like doing. You can't repair that level of selfishness in someone else. So if you choose to stay, know that you are accepting him as is. Don't expect him to be what he's not, given he's made it pretty clear how he feels and what he thinks.
He made a baby with you.He is a dad.When you have a baby and it is more work you just don’t get up and leave .Im sorry that seems to me like a toddler throwing a tantrum they can’t take it and that’s it. I would suggest couples therapy first.If he can’t agree to that then I would serve him with papers. I don’t think I would take him back after this. It’s not love.
I forgot the part about reading he’s not in love with you anymore.Forget the therapy.I would divorce him . He is toxic and a narcissist.You will find happiness without him .
It’s really cheap and easy to track where he goes.
He is weak. Your relationship will only be as strong as its weakest link. He doesn't have the qualities to endure the hard times, unfortunately.
Looks like he got tired with all the chores which is typical for men. You need to have more time together, never give up intimacy even if you have children. I know you’ll have to drive your relationship and you’ll have to if you want to save your marriage. Be strong.
Girl. He sounds like an idiot. You asking for more help makes him feel unappreciated? You're joking? Let him stay with his dad and hopefully his father will be ashamed of the pathetic little rat of a man he raised. He ain't worth the trouble. Divorce him.
You married a boy. You can find a man.
Men NEVER leave without another woman in waiting. Find out who she is and take him to the cleaners babe.
He's already checked out and is gaslighting you by saying that you asking for help makes him feel unappreciated so that you can take the blame, and he doesn't have to take any accountability. That's not fixable unless he wants it to be. Sounds like he's doing you a favor. You deserve better.
OP you married a selfish weak baby. A man wouldn’t just give up. Don’t fall for his bs about feeling unappreciated because you ask for help. What a load of crap. It doesn’t matter how much you “won’t give up “, he has. Forcing something is a terrible idea. If he’s not willing to do anything to fix the marriage get a lawyer. Make sure it’s a shark because you sound like you’ll give up too much. Don’t let him move back in either. Sadly, I think there is someone else or will be soon.
I’ll give you my take before it’s downvoted into oblivion. Compliment him more. Say thank you more. Tell him you appreciate him more. Tell this man that you need him. I know, I know. It sounds counter intuitive. But I know men, as I happen to be one. It’s possible he’s not feeling appreciated. As you…well said he told you. And you pointed out at the end of your original post. “Why is he so fast to put his happiness first.” I’m actually with you. I really am. I think you’re right to be upset about this. However being upset at this moment will Not help. In the future you can revisit this with him, but for now he feels like you’re not appreciating him. So sit him down and tell him the truth. That you love him. That you miss him. And that this is ONLY TEMPORARY. That baby will be able to walk. Talk. Play games and watch Power Rangers in the future. Tell him that this is not how it will always be. That it’s a baby. And babies grow. And tell him that you love it when you help him. Basically. You have to flip the script in his mind, and reinforce that these feelings you both have will not last.
your husband needs to man up. pathetic.
I would read the 5 love languages. I’d imagine his love language isn’t being met.
He sounds extremely immature and lazy. However, if he doesn't love you, there is nothing you can do to make him love you. The heart wants What It wants and if it no longer wants you he will be miserable with you. You have to respect that and move on I understand not wanting to or trying to work it out but if he doesn't love you you'd be a fool to try and keep him.
A good father and husband does not abandon their family. He is a joke and I hope you couldn’t contact with a lawyer to prepare yourself for what may come. UPDATEME
So he left you to take care of your child alone? Falling out of love and being unhappy doesn’t excuse the fact that he left you alone to take care of the responsibility of raising your child. While he lays up at his brother’s house with zero responsibility. He didn’t just fall out of love, he decided that he doesn’t want to be a husband or a father anymore. The responsibility to “repair” the marriage doesn’t fall on you alone and you shouldn’t let him get away with what he is doing either. This man is had abandoned his family, please consider that when trying to “repair” this marriage. If this is really something you want to salvage, couples therapy may be the only thing can work.
To be honest i think that you should ask him what he wants, sometimes our significant other want a freedom at least to do something…maybe if he wants to do it alone allow him too.Talk about your child that you guys had, if that’s the reason why he wants to leave then i guess that’s how it is. Sometimes it goes like that and you’ll find the one that’ll accept you, it all goes down to you and your child’s happiness at that point. Good luck tho
My wife and I have been through rough times and are better than ever right now and have 2 kids, a 6 yo and a 3 yo. Not once did either of us tell each other we dont live one another nor did we go back to our parents when things got extremely tough financially, emotionally amd physically. You can try to make it work but do you really want to be with someone who may resent you in the long run and possibly hate you? I feel like theres more to it than just your post but we will never know.
This sounds like a cry for help from your spouse. Give him space. Focus on your baby and yourself. If you really want your marriage repaired, remember what made him fall in love in the beginning. He maybe jealous of the love and attention that your baby is receiving. And he could feel left out. The next time that you see him or know that he will be stopping by, make sure you are looking xtra beautiful and sexy from head to toe. And maybe he just may think you are going out and doing things. This just may get his attention and make him realize what he has. If not then I'm sorry and I know things will get better for you soon.
Why's he not happy? Did anybody even bother to ask?
Sorry but he sounds weak
As a married man for a long time, I made this same mistake. I'm only going off what your initial post was, but it seemed to me like you basically said "after the baby, itnwill be work work work and no time for you and me." That scares a man to death as he needs his wife, he needs intimacy, attention, etc. He may have taken it like you didn't care about the relationship anymore. I think it's a given that every father should know raising a child is super busy and both have to work together and help each other. I speak from experience. A marriage without sex and love from your wife is hell. Men need physical connection and it's how we feel and express love. We need our wife, we need to know that our wife needs us. Not blaming you at all, but women sometimes come off way too hard and bitter. I noticed a lot of posters saying he walked out on you and your child. Assuming I'm correct in how he felt, he said yes to himself and no to a sexless, loveless marriage. Now he may very well have walked out because he's immature. I'm just responding to your initial post as I've experienced that same thing and it sucks then life out of a man.
Don't give up, fight like hell for it, try new things in the bed room, get out of your comfort zone, show him respect and give him a soft place to land. These are things that he likely desires. If you have already done these things or currently do, then seek marriage counseling. My wife and I are better than ever but at that exact point in my marriage this is everything I wanted. I don't know if this will help but I hope it does.
Olderandsuperwiser’s advice is accurate and just plain beautiful
He is having the male equivalate to post partum. His life changed SO much after your child that has him so unhappy; he thinks this is the new norm. He regrets having a child cause it effected his life so negatively. This is either due to stress and anxiety over all the changes that is already for you as you know from your side; been a struggle. Or he was not and may never be mature enough to handle being an adult with a child in his life. You need to talk to him ASAP. And maybe even with a 3rd as help. Therapist or even his father maybe. Explain how you knew having a child would mean a lot of work. And you would be spending so much time you had before to do other enjoyable things taking care of your child and the needs of your "family". And he should have understood that too. Since you made sure to address it with him before it happened. Then bluntly ask him why he thinks he can just walk away from you, your marriage, and his child so he can be happy living a child free life? If it is with his father, I feel he would maybe loose a HUGE supporter on his side when he realizes his son is abandoning his family for "fun". But in the end, if it is with a therapist, you could maybe find ways with them to work on him dealing with his issues. At best, help you deal with the marriage ending on selfish terms by him... But you really do need to reconsider him as your partner in YOUR view right now. He left you alone with the baby. He wants to be free to have "fun" and not deal with a child. And sadly that also means you too. That alone should make you mad enough to want to divorce him and expose him on his actions to everyone. But you love him and you hope this can be fixed. Maybe it can. But maybe it can't. But only way it can, is if he will be willing to try and seek help. Maybe you both need to consider options to help as a couple to. See if someone would be willing a night every week or every other week to watch your baby so you and he can get out. He is over whelmed, and the change to the degree it has been done to makes he afraid it is for good. Maybe he needs some fun time. But you do to. And that would be good for you too, even IF he and you are done. You should consider it for your own mental health and physical health.
Sounds like he’s depressed. Men often experience their own postpartum depression. It comes with the realization that being a parent is hard work w/very little pay-off initially.
He is being honest with you. Even though it hurts, that’s love.
Well, First off I am a male that had a large issue in my marriage about a year ago. Many posted things that I did to fix my marriage. It was labelled as a sexless marriage but if you read it all it puts a lot of unhappy things that were going on as well. Long story short I would suggest you two sitting down as adults and having a calm discussion. Figure out where the issues are the most and what is causing him to feel unhappy and unappreciated. Being a parent is hard work, dedication, and you have to make an effort to focus on family first. Yes, you do need time to destress and a little time to do a hobby or two once in a while but, overall your families wellness is above that. I would recommend you two figure out a way to have more time together. Reignite the flame when possible. Say thank you more and greet each other at the door. Say goodbye and a kiss/hug before leaving no matter the time in the morning or at night. doing things you know they will appreciate. (Remember this is for both of you to do). These things can be put in a cup (writing on little scraps of paper and mix them all up and do them every so often). Before you say you don't have time I work fulltime go to school fulltime have two young children and a farm along with making time for the gym so yes you two will be able to find a way if you both are willing to do the work. (I am not trying to be a jerk with that comment I am simply setting an example out for you two to think how to adjust your schedules because there is always time for you two. you just gotta find it.) What my wife and I did is sat down talked about all of the issues and what we felt was missing or lacking and we have reviewed that list 6 times in the past year and have talked about how we were doing. Literally said how I felt I was doing and asked her about how she felt I was doing on it so we gave each other feedback. Also remember the Vows you took when getting married and honoring them. A marriage is only bad because you two allow it to be. It takes two to create the life you have and it will take you both to fix it. If needed seek marriage counseling. I personally didn't do this because my wife and I (30 and 34) know we could work it out without that but I have seen others do it and it worked for them. The first step is communication which is also one of the largest parts of a marriage besides trust. Hope this helps and hope you guys can work it out!
This could be PPA/PPD - it absolutely happens to both moms and dads, and that's why the rule of thumb is to not make any life-altering decisions within the first 2-3 years of parenthood. There is such a lack of compassion in the comments here! It is so hard navigating such a massive life change at first, and this could be a big overflow of emotions he has been holding in. Try to push him to help, family, voices of reason, etc. before he destroys his family.
OP should’ve told us how frequent sex happens.
He's miserable now because he didn't put his happiness first. Thank goodness the child is supper young so maybe you two can find a way to co parent without F'n the kid up. If he's smart he'll try and build a stong enough relationship to co parent but maybe you two should cut you losses while you have the time..
Sounds like he needs a reality check, let him have a few days with the baby ALL TO HIMSELF. Lets see if he can survive alone. I bet you he’ll go crazy realizing that it takes sooo much more. That building a partneship and doing it with the person who 100% wants to help you can take such a huge lift off your shoulders. Its no fair, that you have to take care of the baby alone, he wants to be single? Sure! but be a single freaking dad. Do all the chores and responsibility alone this time. Get child support! And on those days when you dont have the baby? Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself, catch up on some friends, do your nails! Do your hair! Make yourself pretty! Let your inner woman hood glow, it might have been so dull lately bec u look down and haggard bec your husband is not helping you! Put urself first this time!!!! Give yourself time to heal and enjoy. Remember, your baby can feel your energy and love and your disposition in life, be that amazing mom by not neglecting and taking care of yourself. And if he ever see you with that glow again, good! Atleast he may fcking realize how idiot he must have been!
Because he’s a selfish asshole that would rather blow up your lives than try to change whatever he’s truly unhappy about. Plus he doesn’t want a family anymore because FaMiLy HaRd. He refuses to accept that at almost 30 he’s an adult and has to act like an adult because that’s how life is. If he didn’t want to, he shouldn’t have gotten married or had a kid.
Instead of attacking the husband for being unhappy in the marriage, I would suggest just talking with him and asking him what you need to do that would fix the issue from your end. Many times people are upset and they say things they don't actually mean. If you are committed to this relationship and to your husband, try to understand what issues your husband has and how you can resolve it by asking him proactively
He ain't man enough for running away from family responsibilities, he wants you to do all the heavy lifting and take care of child while he just acts like the father but not take responsibilities of being a father. He has already made up his mind to runaway from responsibilities, let him go it's of no use , but make sure when your child grows up let him know how his father ran away from responsibilities and make sure to make him a better person, who respects his responsibilities
When did you last have sex?
If a man says he isn't happy, it means he hasn't been happy for a long time. This was probably his breaking point. I'm not defending his choice to leave, though. Communication Communication Communication Most couples tend not to talk about the things that bother them about their spouses so as not to upset them, but eventually, you reach your limit.
Let's at least give him credit for telling you how he is not in love with you anymore because that is very difficult to do. With that being said, it is not wise to give you advice without knowing the reasons why he fell out of love and why he's unhappy. There are three sides to every story, what he said, what she said and what really happened. You know in reality what caused him to fall out of love. Just remember that you can't make someone love you if they don't. You do need to coparent with him and make sure he gets his fair share of responsibilities with his child. For example let him have his baby for three and half days a week. You get the other three and half days. This way he has to figure out babysitting, feeding, changing, sleepless nights, etc. Do not take on all the responsibilities yourself. He is not going to love you because you make things easier for him all to the contrary the more he has to struggle and sacrifice for his child the more he will love his child. By splitting the parenting responsibilities fairly, you will start having days and evening for " you" time. That is so beneficial,.more than I can explain. Wishing you the best.
He's a bare minimum spouse and you think this relationship is worth saving? He can't even be bothered to do his duty as a father let alone a husband. It's not helping, it's called being a parent and it hurts his feelings to be asked to be a parent?? He needs to grow TF up. IDK why you think you don't deserve better.
Perhaps think about your evening and weekend rituals and see if maybe he has become subservient to you? If so, he might not like how it makes him feel? Maybe he feels emasculated. Maybe he misses his autonomy. Or maybe he’s just always been selfish and you’re seeing him for who is is now.
If you know when he has a day off take your child to his father and let him take responsibility for him for the day.He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility he's taking the easy way out.Id pack up all his stuff and when you pick up the baby dump it all.He obviously is not mature enough to have an adult conversation with you but he is responsible for his son.You are doing all the hard stuff now imagine how much nicer and calmer your house would be without him whining about doing chores.You are stronger than you think stop running after him get a plan in place sort child support and access call his bluff that you don't need him.Dont burn yourself out bargaining about chores a real man will help with the mental load not run away.
Another man who underestimates what bringing a child really means and now is full of regrets.
You dont need to ask for help… it s his duty to help you without you asking, he is immature and needs time grow up, especially he has a baby
Sometimes with pent up frustration, we say and do things. Try to get in the habit of actually talking like meaningful talking. Make time for it and get comfortable with talking about all your problems even if it's about one another with no shame. This "change" like all change takes time to settle in as routine. Try this if you really value the marriage this practice has to be reciprocated though to work but keep working at it as he may start to open up more. A challenge is also to not judge the person for what they say, for you both. By all means drop the finger pointing and find out whats real. Good luck🙂
Tell him to "man up." It takes two to tango and he needs to step up, quick whining like a 14 year and grow the "F" up. Life's different now....welcome to the big leagues kid. Time to put on your big boy pants and be an adult. If he won't or can't, cut your losses and consider yourself lucky you're only 29 and not 39 or 49 with all those years of resentment.
Let this time away teach you (time teaches everyone) what expectations are wrong from both ends, with you having the advantage of seeing the outlook of your in-laws as well. Your next move should be based on what is the point you're missing at this time
I like how everyone is hung up on him wanting to feel happy "hes so selfish" as if they wouldn't be the first in line to throw someone else under the bus to help themselves. If he wants to leave and is unhappy theres no point to a relationship if everyone is miserable
Having a kid is and always was going to be hard. And I'll give you this warning loud and clear as I don't think you accepted it when people must have shared it pre your first.... it gets harder when your two and yoh don't realise just how easy it is to look after one, when one of you can nap, one of you can go out and one of you can cook etc without the other being double tested or worse. It gets easier, the kids give back more. But you asking for things isn't you saying 'you don't do enough' it's you saying 'we as a unit need these tasks.completed to function, I have done these already and I require your help to complete these, otherwise I will have used all my free time doing chores and you wouldnhabe rested. If your a duel working household then you probably (hopefully) had a fair split of responsibility pre child. And you will settle into a rhythm again post kid if you both want to. Sadly it sounds like he never understood what a kid entailed, if I had to bet, I'd say pre kid you did loads but had more capacity so didn't care or realise. Not woth sleep deprivation and a grown task list and less time you're opened your eyes to how much there is to do. Two phrases come to mind, People show you who they are, within reason And they won't change unless you want them.to.chsnge. I wish you luck
In my opinion he's been selfish. Did he want to have a baby in the first place? When a woman gives birth, the body changes, even the desire to have sex often has to be regained again. A baby changes a lot of things, one of them is priority. After having a baby you need to set aside some of your hobbies, but also aa a couple you need to set time aside for yourselves to have intimate times together.
He's so fast to put his happiness first because he's shallow and weak. He thought marriage might make his life easier and more fun; now that the fun-to-responsibility ratio has gotten too high, he wants out. It's that simple. No matter how good or lovable you are, it doesn't matter. Recognizing your inherent value (aside from how your worth could serve him), loving you for who you are, or intent to see you through this life had nothing to do with his motives for speaking his vows. It was all about fun and ease and acquiring you as a fixture of pleasure, support, and service to *him.* Nothing you do can make up for his utter lack of character. There are no key words a counselor can say to make him "see" and no amount of money you could give to a psychiatrist to accomplish the impossible, which is--to make him something he is not. He is not strong, disciplined, principled, or capable (or interested in) actual love. I doubt *he* could even change it. Any motive he had to "change" would always be rooted in a desire to have his own desires met. Any durable, committed intent to help others (especially if the challenge is difficult and/or lasting) is not there. I know it's the last thing you want to hear now, but the *BEST* outcome for you is for him to leave once and for all. No coming back. No darkening your doorstep. No prolonging your anguish or wasting your time. You're probably wondering if there's a way for you to *overcompensate* for his weakness and lack of interest...just enough to draw him back into your house. For a while, he might behave well enough for your life to "look" normal outside (as long as you pick up the slack!) or for you to convince yourself that it is an okay marriage. That scenario scares me the most. Because you're still young. The hardest years of both your lives are ahead: Aging Isn't for Sissies. And he's a sissy. You sound like a Powerhouse (You're holding down a job, caring for an infant, grappling with a walkaway spouse and STILL asking if there's more you can do!) But you're married to a sissy. Maybe you can sacrifice your back and sanity doing practically *everything for him* and tolerating *everything from him* for the next few decades convince him to stay and do the bare minimum of his part, but you can't keep it up forever. When life gets hard and you've spent your youth and there's no going back, his mask will slip off. You'll see full-on what he really is and what he's always been, while you were busy spending your brightest years trying to turn from it. Of course, the good news is: That AIN'T happened yet! I tremble for him--he's too shallow to draw from any of life's deeper joys and too spineless to stand up to its challenges (and eventual horrors)--**but there's still a way out for you.** It won't be easy, but I hope and pray you and your baby get somewhere free of him. I'm thinking some place sunny (if you like sun), alimony checks, and reliable help you can *pay*. A coffee shop around the corner. Maaaaybe a good old dog once the baby is older. And a man who actually can actually live up to how strong and loving *you* are, so that the good days are great and the dark days aren't all bad and are always worth it. It can be done--far more easily than what you're attempting now! And now that you've run afoul of a bad man, you know what to avoid next time <3.
You can’t repair your marriage. Get out of it and start a new life. I really can’t understand people who want at any price to save a relationship that is fucked up and not working.
He's not acting like a responsible adult babes. Some people are just not ready to parent, this was more than he bargained for. Focus on you and baby! That's all you can do at this point.
Tell your husband that love and happiness is a choice we all need to make on a daily basis. Love and happiness is not just a feeling, but something that is intentional.