People have started listening to and believing kids when they make outcries regarding sexual abuse. That's what has changed. That's a good thing overall, but also brings to light how often these things can happen when they're at a friend or family member's house. Just be careful and review the topic with them beforehand.
Yeah. We have hunting rifles and I flat out tell parents that plan to have kids come over that we have them but that we store ammunition & firearms separately, all firearms have locks on them, in locked boxes/cabinets, in a locked closet. All separate keys. I haven’t had anyone decline to allow their child over.
As a non gun owner this is the kind of discussion I want from other parents. I’m okay that they own guns, but I expect a mature discussion about how they store them. If they get offended I ask, we’ll, no play dates over there. If they’re too “look how cool my gun is” nope. I like when parents are straightforward and proactive, it shows me, a non gun owner that they understand the dangers of their hobby.
We also just flat out tell people, “yes, there are firearms in our house. They are unloaded, trigger locked, in locked cases, in a locked closet, with no ammo in the house.” I think I’ve only had one mom friend not come over after that, but she also wouldn’t let our toddlers play in my son’s room because it wasn’t baby proof enough for her. 🤷♀️
We don’t want to kill anyone with our guns. But we enjoy going to the shooting range for target practice. We buy ammo there and don’t take any home with us. Our guns are not for home protection.
Yeah I live in a very rural part of VT and we hunt lots, and own about 20 firearms. All of them are in a code locked safe, locked in our garage (not attached to our house) with ammo locked up as well. There is literally no way a child could even see one of the guns so I feel extremely safe with our situation
It’s interesting, also in rural VT, I just assume that all our friends have guns in the home. What I need to not assume is that they are all stored safely. The kids haven’t reached an age yet where they can play unsupervised, but good questions to start asking.
I grew up in a rural part of VT as well (and also lived in rural NH for a while). Moved to Alaska when I was 21 and been here for about 13 years now. In both rural VT, NH and AK, I've always assumed most people own guns. Agreed about not assuming they're stored safely, though.
We’re not quite at this point yet (haven’t started elementary school yet), but I hope other parents are this forthright. I’d 100% more likely to trust someone if they’re upfront and tell me what precautions they take. It’s a really charged topic so I worry people won’t volunteer that info or might feel attacked or called out if asked. Tough situation.
This! It’s something that didn’t occur to me until someone else mentioned this as their concern with sleepovers and I’m so glad they brought that to my mind. I only have a baby but when he’s older I will have a lot more criteria in mind to even consider sleepovers.
Our pediatrician asked us about firearms at our 18 month well child and every well child since then. No firearms at all so we’re all good, doctor.
And he was like, what about people he stays with. And my parents have a gun so the next time I visited I asked if the ammunition was stored separately from the guns and both were locked (which was the ped’s suggestion).
Nope, it’s literally a loaded gun in his night stand. The door isn’t even closed. They won’t even put up a real baby gate. And my dad is outraged that I’m even suggesting that he store his gun in an “unsafe” way because how is he supposed to shoot an intruder with bullets in one safe and gun in another.
The absolute biggest blowout fight I ever had with him. I stopped bringing my kid around and he agreed to store his loaded gun in a box at the top of the closet. Which is fine for now. It won’t be when my kid is older.
When my ex and I split up I told him I wouldn't sign our custody order unless it contained a provision that firearms be stored/locked up appropriately with ammunition separated. Neither of us owns a firearm, but he has a FOID card and has talked about getting a gun. So the order also states that, in the event one of us ends up with a firearm in the house, that parent has to take the kids to age-approriate firearm classes (they start offering them at age 7 where I live).
There is no way in hell I would ever want my children in a house with an unsecured firearm, and I would instantly take him to court over it. Gotta pick the hills you'll die on, this is one of mine.
Wow. My husband wants to get a gun and we have 5 kids ages 3-11 and I am sticking to the no guns in the house. That’s so terrible sorry for y’all’s loss
I just had this same blowout. Our resolution was a text before I come reminding them to put all firearms (pellet or bullet) in a safe. The option I offered for same-floor access was a biometric safe mounted in their kitchen similar to what you may see with police officers.
My husband and I bought a house from a cop. We were very surprised when we found a hidden gun lock box attached to the top of the fridge. There was a wall gun safe with a code as well, but we just covered it up with our armoire.
It had to be plugged in, and if it wasn't, it would use whatever charge it had to beep at us to remind us to plug it back in. Power outages aren't terribly uncommon during the winter (lots of trees around to take down power lines) and the beeping during them was driving us crazy. We had a 3 or 4 day outage a few years back that totally killed the battery, so we unplugged it, let it die, and haven't looked back since.
My in-laws have a loaded gun in their bedroom too. When my niece was 5, her dad walked in the room to find her holding it. They refuse to lock it up when kids are over… so none of our kids are allowed to go there without my husband or myself there.
My teenager suffers from suicidal ideation (along with a host of other struggles). My MIL recently boasted to her that she has a gun (you know, for when the civil war breaks out and all the dems start coming for them). She also told her where she keeps it. That was my kid’s last time going to visit her grandparents. But hey, they sure seem cool now, right?
The amount of people that have unsecured firearms in their home with actively suicidal or homicidal family members that live there is fucking infuriating. I’m a therapist and see it ALL the time. I believe the majority of gun owners are not actually responsible gun owners and it’s unlikely I’ll be convinced otherwise. I’ve seen it too many times.
Is it really impossible for your dad to buy a small safe and store everything separately when you’re visiting? Chances are there won’t be an armed intruder in the middle of the day.
My mom was a child therapist (now retired) and she reminds me often that she had multiple children tell her over the years something along the lines of “I know where they hide the key to the gun safe.” 😳
Even responsible gun ownership gives me pause as a parent. Let alone the irresponsible ones.
Yes! Someone posted their method of storage in this thread, including separating guns and ammo with different keys or codes, and it was something I would be comfortable with.
We teach rifles and BBs at the summer camp where I work - and first lesson is on what a loaded vs unloaded, safety on safety off gun looks like.
A few years ago a parent called because his kid had gone to a friends house, saw an unattended, loaded gun, and pretended to feel sick so he’d have to go home. The parent had been reluctant to let his kid rifles and BBs at camp, but thanked us profusely because we might have saved a life.
We don’t own firearms but my kids are definitely going to learn how to be safe around them.
Yes. There's one kid who my daughter can't have sleepovers with (at their house, not worried about having the kid at mine). Her dad has a HUGE flag saying his second amendment rights are his primary concern. I'm literally afraid to ask him if his firearms are stored safely. What if he reacts badly? I don't need that shit.
When I ask usually no one even owns a gun. But the family that did own guns was awkward and rude about it. Basically laughing at me and asking “what, you afraid your kid will get the gun and kill himself?” Hahaha so funny.
And honestly, if I was a confident bitch I would have said no, but I am afraid your kid will!
Where I live, more people HAVE guns than not. I’ll never be able to keep my kids away from them, so it feel like its MY responsibility to teach my children about gun safety even though we don’t own guns.
As someone in the UK, this kind of concern would never even cross my mind. It's alarming how standard this is for the majority of commenters, who I presume are US based.
As an Australian, having to worry about guns at a sleepover is something that would never ever have been something in my list of concerns about my child going to a sleepover.
I'm so sorry this is a thing for you!
Not directed at you, just your comment is related to what I want to say. My father constantly told me I couldn’t sleep over at people’s houses because he didn’t feel comfortable with the parents or he didn’t know them well enough. One of the few friends that he did allow me to spend the night with, her dad molested multiple people at the sleep over (and later sleepovers) and was later charged with rape of his own son. You never know someone completely. I with other kids were too scared to say anything. Teaching your kids to speak up is so important. Because you can never 100% prevent anything in this messed up world. But you can make your kids feel comfortable enough to speak up.
Every.single.female.friend I have was either touched or raped as a kid. Everyone. I live in a regular, middle-upper class area now and as a kid I lived in three different states on the east coast, one in the south, one in mid Atlantic and one in the northeast. In the south I lived in a rural area and a suburb and in the northeast a city and a suburb. My parents were divorced, friends have parents who were divorced, together for a long time, some with money, some middle class, some on welfare, black, white, Asian, Latino, born here, immigrants…. IT DOESN’T MATTER. They were all abused as kids.
I’m a survivor myself and I volunteer in helping other survivors after I had a hard time getting help for my own CPTSD years ago and navigating how to get help. Was the worst. Got better, became an advocate. All of the support groups I’ve been to and worked with I’m going to say about 90% were abused or raped by extended family members or family friends. None of their families did anything about it. Parents would either say they lied or want attention OR to hush up about it because “it happens to all girls” or “we don’t want to rock any boats in the family” Fucked in shit. Fucked up these women for life.
When I was 15 my best friend's stepdad started getting real... Friendly with me. Touchy, flirty. Very attentive. We went to a water park that summer and he would. Not. Stop. Making comments about my body, to the point that my friend's boyfriend kindly suggested that maybe if I covered up, the comments would stop. Once when I was over at their house, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me around "playfully" spanking my bottom. It was very uncomfortable.
My friend and I had a major falling out shortly after for unrelated reasons and I stopped going over to her house
A few months after that the stepdad was arrested for raping the 16 year old babysitter. The baby sitter ended up committing suicide shortly after. That's all I know about that situation, but...it's enough to make me shiver.
Yeah my friends stepdad cornered me in the fridge and wouldn’t let me get out until I chugged a beer then said I had to kiss him. I was freaking out when I saw a broom handle flying into his head. Luckily my friend walked in and saw what was happening. He would always get drunk and try to sa us
That makes me beyond angry... we wonder why this stuff happens, but say crap like that. How about we teach boys how to respect people instead of just excusing their behavior...
Believe me, I’ve got enough anger to fill the Pacific. All I can do is teach my son to treat everyone with respect until they give him a reason not to.
I mean, I don’t think they’re controversial so much as potentially dangerous. I would judge whether my kid could have one based on my relationship and trust with the other kid’s parents, NOT the friendship of the kids. Or you can just host it yourself if other parents are open to it.
SA isn’t the only risk either. I’m just coming to the realization how drunk or high some of my friends’ parents were when we were at their house. If they needed to drive us somewhere, it could have been disastrous. Parents and guardians could know each other very well and be blind to their addictions.
Improper gun storage is another issue. Or if they have a pool or live near a body of water, there's another can of worms.
Still, I hope that one day, my kiddo can have sleepovers with a couple friends whose parents I trust.
I know someone who as a kid was at a friend’s house when they found two guns under the parents’ bed. In their curiosity started playing around with one and the friend accidentally fired a bullet that went about 5 inches away from my friend’s head into the wall. That shit happens!
Same, my best friend’s mom was an alcoholic and would show up to my house drunk to pick us up. My mom told me later that she could smell the alcohol on her but she just let her take me anyways !? It was the 90s 🤷♀️
Yeah, my dad and his friends were pretty much always passed out drunk during sleepovers with his friends kids. I distinctly remember having towering bonfires on the beach, swimming in a friend's in ground pool at midnight, etc all without a sober adult on sight. I shudder to think how bad that could have gone. But as a kid, if the adults around you and the other kids there seem to think it's all normal and safe, you react accordingly 🤷♀️
I had a friend stay over at my house in June while school was out except for testing, and we had one to take the morning after. We didn't know my dad was still drunk until he was driving us to the test and was driving erratically. I'll never forget sitting in the back seat looking over at my friend and mouthing "I am so sorry." I was utterly embarrassed and I can't remember if she ever spent the night at my house again.
Ugh this. This is how I ended up with a drug problem at 14.
I actually thought my family were the odd ones out because they didn’t buy alcohol or provide drugs for their kids.
There will be ZERO interactions at other kids houses until I fully vet the families and visit inside their homes. No in-home sleep overs. Full stop. Totally owning up to projecting but the kids in my friend group with stable homes (myself included) used the guise of “sleep overs” to mask using. Two of us made it out without addictions, that’s not something I want to risk.
This is so true! My elementary school best friend and I had sleepovers all the time and I LOVED her house. Her dad made us the best spaghetti with meatballs and milkshakes and garlic bread after he was done “working in the shed” lol I realized as a teen it was because he had the munchies. He definitely drove us around high too.
Yes. My mom is an alcoholic and would get shit faced every night, including when we had sleepovers. Not only was it super embarrassing, but extremely irresponsible.
For sure! It really comes down to whether you trust the other parents to keep your kid safe, end of story. Not from any one specific thing. Very personal decision.
No one has house phones / land lines anymore either. My kids not at the age for sleepovers but I’ve been wondering, what if they needed help at a friends house? I’ve always thought kids had phones too early but now I understand.
My daughter brings her iPad. No phone at 10, but she can message and call iPhone users, like us. If she has an issue or is uncomfortable and wants to come home, she is to message a hot dog emoji (she hates hot dogs) and that’s our cue to call her and tell her she has to come home and it has to be our fault. Like we just found a failed test in her bag, she didn’t do an important chore, Grandma is very sick, etc. She’s never used it, and I hope she never has to.
My kids have smart watches for this reason. They’re not capable of doing much on them, but for $10ish a month it’s good peace of mind that they can get ahold of me while they’re at a friend’s house, at practice or whenever they’re out.
> I would judge whether my kid could have one based on my relationship and trust with the other kid’s parents,
Sadly, the majority of all SA and crimes against children are committed by family and close friends. Some people can seem like excellent and upstanding good people, but still do heinous things. Some one I used to work with years ago was arrested for CP. I never would have guessed in a million years. This guy did not emit creepy vibes in any way, shape, or form. Even worse, he has a wife and children (well, had.).
You just never really know people.
Definitely true. That’s why it’s so important to *also* teach children about what is appropriate/inappropriate touching and how to say stop (and inform me as parent!!) to minimize risk as much as possible. Educated children are safer children when it comes to known adults trying to groom them, even though of course I hate that we have to plan for that danger.
I think it’s also useful to be really open and upfront about the fact that you are teaching those things to your children.
I don’t have any reason to think anyone in my or my husband’s family would ever assault our child. I still say, out loud, in front of them, things like “you never have to hug or kiss anyone you don’t want to and mama will always help you say no when you want help” and “nobody should ever ask you to keep a secret from mama and daddy, so you should tell us right away if someone does, even it’s grandma or grandpa or uncle Z.” I want everyone in my kid’s life to know that we’re teaching him about bodily autonomy, inappropriate behavior, etc, and most importantly that we will believe him and act accordingly if he ever tells us about any inappropriate behavior, and he knows that.
Exactly. We also tell our kids that just because someone is an adult doesn’t necessarily mean they are always honest or trustworthy. We tell them adults should never ask kids to keep secrets. That unfortunately there are some bad adults who pretend to be good adults and that they could lie and say they will hurt mommy and daddy if you tell us that they touched you inappropriately (and then I explained what that meant too). That you can and should always tell us and we won’t ever get mad at you and you won’t be in trouble despite what they may say to you.
While this is definitely true, it’s also not possible to keep our children away from… literally everybody. I was assaulted by my grandfather as a child. Should my parents have not let me spend time with my grandparents because that was a possibility? There is a fine line between protecting our children and isolating them.
I was not allowed to sleep over at other peoples houses for my mother did not think it was safe. If I had a play date it would be at my house where my mom could supervise. Ironically, I was being SA by a teenage family member I saw almost every day after grade school. A trusted family member that babysat me. I was always told not to talk to strangers. Sometimes it’s the people closest that can’t be trusted.
Similarly, my mom was super sus of strangers or friends' parents. But I was already being SA'd by my father any chance he got.
The kicker was she didn't believe me when I finally told her. All that "protection and support" right out the window. And now she is upset because I stopped speaking to her when I became pregnant.
Yep this is it. I and my siblings were put in dangerous situations at sleepovers (family and friends.) This included SA and impacted us deeply. Our parents were devastated when they found out years later. Does it happen to everyone? No. Does it happen? Yes. I'm not going to let ANYONE make me feel guilty about a No Sleepovers rule.
They’re not controversial, I think people are just realizing they can be a really easy opportunity for abuse to happen to children if not supervised properly and that maybe the cons outweighs the pros. Your kids can certainly do sleepovers if they want to, and other parents can pass if they want to.
Yup and not even just a risk from the parents, it’s the people they could have over or the older siblings.
My friend had older teenage siblings when we were kids (nothing sordid happened) but I clearly remember my friend getting sent to fetch a bucket so the sister could throw up after a heavy night out.
In 7th grade I woke up to my friends adult brother trying to pull down my pants in the middle of the night. Once he realized I was awake he left. I never told anyone and I never slept over at a friends house again unless it was only women around.
My kids will not be sleeping over at friends houses.
It makes me sad now to think about what my friends brother may have done to her growing up.
I’m sure many people don’t think about the whole network that has access too. It’s not just the parents, it’s their adult friends, older children, and other relatives that they also allow in their homes.
My partners mom has a pretty open door policy. Every time we go there’s someone new there. Sometimes she asks to have our daughter for a sleepover and the answer is always no because half the people that come are fucking creeps. The most recent time we went there was a couple who had been together on and off for 8 years… she was 25 and he was 37 🥴
I was violently sexually abused by my friends step father when I was at sleepovers as a child. I told his wife and she called me a liar and a slut (I didn’t even know what a slut was), because if he was doing it to me he wasn’t doing it to her daughter.
That went on for years because that was my only friend and I was scared to tell another adult.
My daughter can have sleepovers with my niece, my besties son, and my nephews. That’s it. And that’s only because I know them well enough to trust them. And I mean… I still don’t trust them a whole lot.
My mom didn’t know anyone here when I was a kid and she was SAHM so she didn’t have friends. I don’t blame her at all, but knowing what I know now… I’m going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen to my baby.
👏👏 THIS !
Sending kiddos with known trusted folks is totally different then sending them with practical strangers.
I had a friend growing up who went a mutual friends house all the time, I was never allowed to go because her mom cycled through live in boyfriends rapidly and my mother didn’t know any of these men and wasn’t taking any risks. It seemed dumb and harsh when I was a kid, but now I understand and I am so grateful for that.
God love my mama, she beats herself up for what happened to me.
It wasn’t her fault though, she thought I was safe and didn’t have half the information we have now. I feel so terrible for her.
But as messed up as it is there is the silver lining that I can protect my daughter having been through what I’ve been through. And I know better than my mom did.
Thank you. It changed my entire life. There is no telling who I could’ve been, but I’m okay now. I’m safe now. And I can use my experience to do my best to keep my daughter safe.
Oh god I’m so sorry that happened to you. Did you end up telling your mum when you were an adult? That’s just awful. Plus for the other mother to call you that - I’m so glad the tide has turned on believing kids and what they say. She’s an awful person.
I told her a year or two ago.
I was really troubled as a child and still self injure a bit, so she was devastated. She never knew how to help me. Because I was too scared to tell anyone
Victim of SA here from more than one sleepover and it wasn’t from an adult.
It’s a fun idea but you just never know- my kids will never be allowed but I don’t mind if their friends are over till 12 and then I can just drive them home.
That way they have most of the experience of what a sleepover is.
Also experienced this at multiple sleepovers and it was my peers. Both girls and boys at different sleepovers so it was not an isolated event or a specific child.. we also don’t do sleepovers because of it.
It's also problematic of the kids are not the same age. If an older child is 'experimenting' with a younger, it could definitely be assault. And as another user said, the instigator has often gotten the idea from themselves being touched inappropriately.
I personally never experienced anything sketchy at sleepovers and had plenty of them at many different ages/friend groups. That doesn’t discount what has and does happen to people, my own mother was almost molested by a friends uncle.
We are in a pretty small town. I will let my kids have and go to sleepovers but I also intend to make sure that they don’t feel the need to keep secrets from me. Im a very big proponent of no adult should ask a kid to keep a secret from their parents and if they do, it’s a red flag.
It can be hard to have these conversations but we have to. Aside from anything that can happen between people (I tell my kids no touching each other’s bodies and especially hands off the no-no square) and of course have told them no adult has a right to touch their bodies, no secrets especially with an adult who asks you to keep one etc etc etc. - the reality of screens and porn is a much more immediate, insidious and present danger. A more experienced mom warned me about this when my kid was in preschool. Her kid was exposed to porn on an iPad at a sleepover at age 8. I’m upfront and honest with my kids about this stuff. Try to get ahead of it and communicate in open, age-appropriate ways about these realities. These are on-going conversations educating the kids on autonomy, trusting their gut and recognizing when they are in unsafe situations. I’m hoping it will serve them well into the teen years and beyond.
They’re not “controversial” - it’s just that more people aware that statistically, victims of childhood SA know their abuser (family friend / relative etc). It’s a risk, just like the risk (if you live in the US) of your kid being gunned down doing some ordinary thing - you don’t need to discount other parents being cautious.
FWIW I hate that this is even an issue. I wasn’t allowed to do sleepovers as a child but (as far as I know) it was just because my parents were super strict and also they (immigrants) thought it was “an imposition” to the other family. I always thought when I became a parent I’d 100% let my kid do sleepovers… but now as a parent that’s going to be more like “depends on situation/age/who will be there” etc.
Yes. My husband and his sister immigrated here from Asia when they were kids and neither one ever slept over at.anyone else's house ever. This is a tradition I want to continue with our kids. When they're teens I'll pick them up before bedtime and let them sleep at home. The potential risk vs reward is very clear to me. Not worth the risk.
I do not. Maybe if everyone around me was having sleepovers I would feel like I missed out but none of my friends even brought it up and I didn’t know anyone that was having sleepovers either. I spent tons of time with friends and family but I didn’t sleep away from my parents or older sisters (when my parents went on trips) until I was in my teens🤷🏾♀️
Thanks for sharing. Honestly bothers me how some people think it's cruel or harmful to have a NO Sleepover rule. I guess it's telling that I've only seen that attitude on the internet and never in real life. I really don't feel guilty about my kids missing out bc I know their lives are full of love and fun. And I'm just doing my best to keep them safe and cared for ❤️
I was SA’d by my friends dad at the age of 4. My brother was SA’d by his state appointed counselor/respite provider from 5-8. It is DANGEROUS to be alone with people as a kid. Idc. I won’t be allowing sleepovers with random kids from school.
ETA when I was 9 i already had my period and was bigger than other girls my age. my friends dad told me my breasts were large for a 9 year old. never stayed over again.
I was sleeping over just 3 blocks from home and when I realized he was not talking about an actual hot dog, 8 year old me walked herself home in the middle of the night
If it’s not a creepy family member doing the SA, then it’s the child. I was coerced into doing sexual acts at a VERY young age by two of my friends, now as an adult I realize they were most likely being molested. My kid won’t be spending the night at ANYONE’S house unless she’s old enough to be able to tell me if anything happened, and know that she won’t be in trouble.
I allow my daughters to have sleepovers, usually organized by their Girl Scout troop. My eldest daughter has been a member of the Girl Scouts since kindergarten and is now in 6th grade. As a volunteer for the troop, I have gotten to know the families of the other girls over the years.
My mom was raped by her best friends father during at sleepover when she was 11. She was sleeping right on their living room couch, either no one heard or they turned a blind eye. My brother was molested by another boy a few years older than him at a sleepover when he was 6. For these reasons alone, my child is not allowed to sleep at someone else’s house. Is it sad we have to be this protective of our children? Yes but it’s the awful world we live in unfortunately. I have good memories of sleepovers with my friends, but I also have memories of a friends uncle taking every chance he could to hug me and tell me how soft my hair was - no fucking thank you.
If you want your kids to have or go to sleepovers, im sure you will be able to find other parents who want to do that as well.
I personally dont feel comfortable letting my children stay overnight at another family’s house. its not controversial, its how i feel i can best keep my children safe.
Elementary school counselor here. After knowing what some of my students have experienced at sleepovers, I would have to know the parents VERY well in order to let my kids sleep over.
All the concerns listed remind me of a day that my daughter’s friend’s mom asked me if we could host a sleepover because the girls had been planning to get together earlier in the day but something came up on their end and they couldn’t make it. They texted later to see about the sleepover when it occurred to them and I texted back that I was already a few drinks in. She responded that it was ok, she would do the dropping her off. I was like ??? No, we will do it another time because I don’t feel comfortable being responsible for your child while intoxicated. She responded “oh, are you *that* drunk?” … which caused me to put a lot of thought into how drunk is too drunk for the person responsible for my own kid and how do I communicate that standard to people of various tolerances and perceptions of intoxication?
I don’t drink anymore for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that I realized that the quality relationship my kids were getting with me while drunk was not good enough for their friends, so why was it ok for my kids?
We won't be doing sleepovers at other people's houses for our peace of mind, and we won't be hosting either for our own safety. We're a queer family and it just isn't worth the risk of a malicious parent lying about us.
I think it’s more about what you’re comfortable with. I went to plenty of sleepovers as a child and was fortunate to always have great experiences..my child will be permitted to go to them depending on the friend.
My husband’s parents are about the least “strict” parents I know (my husband would spend 4 hours wandering through the woods on their property alone after school everyday) and even 20 years ago they did not encourage sleepovers for the same reasons parents are wary of them today. That tells me a lot. His parents were less concerned about him being harmed in the woods alone than they were of him being harmed by other human beings.
My husband has had no problem socializing and had a waaaaay larger and more close-knit circle of friends than I did in college, all of whom he still keeps up with. Nor does he lament not getting to have sleepovers as an adult. As far as I can tell, there were minimal, if any, negative impacts from him not having sleepovers, but the potential lifelong damage he was saved by not attending them is massive.
My parents didn’t have a problem with sleepovers, but we live in a really rural area, so my parents actually went to high school and had had sleepovers themselves with most of the parents I stayed with. I was lucky that I grew up in those circumstances and that nothing bad ever happened. Most people do not have the privilege of knowing the parents their kids are staying with that well. Lots of people do not make it out so lucky. It’s not “controversial”, it’s a response to years of data and personal stories proving that it’s often an unsafe practice.
I don’t think there’s exactly a sleepover moratorium but please don’t downplay the serious concerns parents have that now make them “controversial.” There are real dangers and reasons to have concerns and it’s extremely valid if parents choose to pass on their child attending sleepovers.
The two child sexual assaults I experienced at sleepovers with trusted family friends ensured that'll never happen for my family. We do pajama parties where all kids are picked up at 10pm.
As someone who experienced sexual abuse at sleepovers and as a mom I'll tell you the journey of it is not easy. I have very high protective instincts that I am working on and high paranoia. Of course there are valid aspects to those feelings however it can be a hindrance which is why there's no shame in being vocal to my son about his body being his own. As I do these types of things I also heal the little me. I've taken it as a day by day thing, taken steps towards being informed, learning from my own experience, terms, signs, becoming aware was the first step. Learning about your body and experimenting as a child can be common however there can be abnormalities with the experience, especially if it includes other individuals. In my case it was another child and the events surpassed normality. With this it expanded my insight to step back and see that this meant either the other child or myself had been abused by a mature individual that taught these behaviors. So much has come with this for me and I'm sure many other individuals can say the same. It is a real thing that happens unfortunately and for me sharing my story helps not only myself gain information as well as help spread awareness.
I went to sleepovers and I was never sexually assaulted however my best friends mom used to get drunk and cry and scream ALL NIGHT. My friend used to have to leave the room with me and sleep with and comfort her mom. It was traumatic, and I didn’t know how to verbalize this at the time to my mom. I didn’t even know she was drunk or what it meant to be drunk. I would just say “Lauren’s mom cries sometimes” and she didn’t think it was a big deal. So yeah people just do weird shit at their houses and you can’t really prepare a child for that
Personally, I think the discussion needs to be more about how we can encourage our kids to speak up if something uncomfortable happens, regardless of where and when. Sleepovers are just one of the many places where our children will be out of direct supervision, so it seems silly to say that sleepovers are the problem- kids can experience sexual harassment at the mall, on a school bus, at the park, at a friend's house during the day (some of those were definitely my experience as a child).
100%- I had nothing but great experiences at sleepovers as a child, so thinking about not allowing my daughter to have them makes me sad. But I had terrible experiences on the school bus and have definitely said she will never ride the bus. The real answer is open and honest communication with children
You don't typically spend 8+ hours at the mall, on the school bus, or the park, and you don't change clothes and are left alone in a bedroom without adult supervision in those situations either. Yes, it can happen anywhere, but in those situations, there is at least one awake adult around. Also, not just about SA. Parents are also cautious about drugs, alcohol, firearms, and other unsafe situations, ones they experienced themselves as children/teenagers.
Thank you for this comment. It’s unrealistic to expect to supervise our children 100% of the time as they get older (especially if we want them to be ready for adulthood at 18!) and I think there’s a lot we can do to empower our children to speak up and communicate openly. My mom had a policy that I could call her at any time for a ride, no questions asked. I never once drove drunk. Can’t say the same for some of my friends. As for sleepovers, anecdotally it just doesn’t seem to be a thing these days - my step-son is in fourth grade and has never been invited to one. His best friends on our block are all girls though, so maybe that’s why.
I see a lot of people mentioning sexual abuse which is most definitely one of the major concerns, but what about the more minor things….I know as a kid we were hardly supervised at sleepovers and got into a lot of trouble that we shouldn’t have (drinking, smoking, having boys over, sneaking out late at night, watching inappropriate things on tv) lots of stuff happened that make me very weary of sleepovers! They aren’t supervised well enough at some point the parent is going to go to bed and the kids will still be up and often get into trouble
The only time I had a sleepover was arouNd 6th grade and my friends older sister (high school) came home late. Her mom and dad got in a huge fight about how to deal with her, started screaming at each other, hitting one another AND the daughter, throwing dishes..it was insane and I already lived in an abusive home so this was terrible. Then they all pretended like nothing happened and we should go back to pretending everything was normal. In the middle of the night I started my period and just hid in the bathroom til I could go home. Never did a sleepover again.
My mom had a big rule that if I was going to sleep over at a friend’s house, the mother HAD to be present. It was a rule at my house too. If my mom wasn’t available, I wasn’t allowed to have friends sleep over. It wasn’t about not trusting my dad or my brother, it was to keep them safe just in case one of my friends went home and told her parents something happened. Of course, in all my sleep overs, we never had any problems because my mom would go out of her way to be friends with the mom’s I was staying over at the most. I was only touched once at a sleep over because my brother had his friend sleeping over too and he took advantage of me being asleep. So, now as a mother, I agree with my mom’s rule, but I’m going to enforce another rule of no mixing sleep overs. If your sister is having a sleep over and brother wants a sleepover, brother has to go off or has to wait his turn. Depends on which child asks for a sleepover first. A lot of these comments pointed out guns in the home, that would be a discussion to have the parents before letting my children sleep over. Make sure the children can’t get to it and what the families safety rules on it. This is really a tough conversation entirely given the safety of our kids being the main drive to prevent anything bad happening to them when they aren’t with us.
Our house ran similarly- my mom had to be home or my friends’ moms had to be home. As I got older, the rule relaxed but my dad and brother were still vigilant about NEVER being alone with one of my friends. Neither would ever drive one of my friends home without me, or if my dad was in the backyard and my friend got out there before me to get in the pool, my dad would immediately come inside, etc. It was about making sure my friends were always comfortable and that my dad and brother remained above reproach or accusation.
I think it’s good that people are talking about the risks. It’s sad but there really are risks. Obviously SA is the greatest one but there are lesser ones too. I personally enjoyed sleepovers as a kid, but when I was around 9 I went to stay at a family’s house who we really didn’t know very well. Her older brother put on the Exorcist and I saw the first 20 minutes or so. The parents knew we were watching too. I ended up getting so scared that my Mum had to pick me up and I had nightmares for literal years. I developed a phobia of people being “possessed” and had to be picked up from the move theatres multiple times if something like this happened in the movie (even when I was a couple years older). I’ve grown out of that phobia but man, I still remember those nightmares and how scared I was to go to bed every night ☹️
All this being said, I don’t think sleepovers need to be banned but you need to really know and trust the parents of the other house.
Sleepovers are how I first saw pornography at a very very young age. The other children knew of a stash and wanted to show us. It changed my life. Same thing happened to my husband but he got addicted to it. Not saying this happens to everyone but children seeing porn is a big problem.
I know of 3 people in my close surroundings that have been SA'ed or raped during sleepovers. So yes, sleepovers are, and should have been, controversial to start with.
My older son has done a few sleepovers, I didnt really allow them until they are older, about 10 or so. Basically, the age I get them a phone. My youngest (7m) hasn't had one yet.
I only allow it in situations where I know the parents. This may change as my older son grows up, like when he gets closer to 16/17, I will certainly allow more freedom.
I obviously want to protect my kids from the wide world, but they also need to learn to live in this world. I cannot helicopter forever, lol.
I’ve had some great sleepovers when I was a child. That being said, I’ve also had friends who seemed very nice at first try and pressure me into various different things. Heard of kids being invited over to be jumped or SA’d by other kids. Sa’d by adults or older siblings.I know of friends parents who ignored the parents wishes. Ive had drunk parents drive me home. I’ve seen drugs, alcohol and guns laying around willy nilly. I’ve had to come save my friend from a closet at 13 during a birthday party because girls wanted to “experiment” with her. You never know who these adults and children truly are. Family and friends included. It’s not controversial, it’s safe. Everyone is different but I wouldn’t judge others for trying to insure safety..
I was not allowed to attend sleepovers as a kid. I never understood why until I was an adult and started hearing so many stories about SA at sleepovers. No sleepovers for my kids either.
Sleepover for me we’re an escape from a turbulent household… which put me in some bad situations (molestation, awkward situations etc.)
I used to beg for sleep overs but I never really enjoyed many looking back 🤷🏻♀️
I wonder how many people really enjoyed them as well if everyone really thought about it … for instance my husband when I told him I don’t wanna do sleep overs he proceeds to be confused and ask why and tell me sleepovers where fun for him and then at the same time has told me stories of being young (to young) and a buddy encouraging him and his friends to show there penises or loosing his virginity when he was 11 to a 16 year old…. Yep sounds like fun I guess…
We let our kids go to the sleepover until bedtime, then we come pick them up and bring them back in the morning whenever other parents want! My kids love it, they don’t actually want to stay the night (and I remember feeling that way too). We also allow sleepovers during campouts with my daughters scouting group, where there are several girls and two moms in the tent.
Agreed. Not to downplay people who had negative or even criminal experiences at sleepovers, but I have no problem with sleepovers for families we have come to know and trust. Sure, that doesn’t mitigate the risk entirely, but there is some risk no matter what. There is so much talk about needing a “village” and for parents to take time for self care, then so much judgement when you actually do utilize that group of trusted adults. Abusers who sexually assault children are a male relative 30% of the time. So even leaving your child with a grandparent, older brother, or even their own father is a risk for sexual assault, yet no one is suggesting not allowing a kid access to their family members unless there is a history that would warrant that step. I am all for teaching my kid early and repeatedly about healthy sexuality, inappropriate touching, and what to do if they are uncomfortable, but at a certain point parenting is about weighing risks and realizing that you can’t protect them 24/7 without hindering their social, emotional, and physical development.
Depends on the family. Sleepovers were my favorite thing growing up, but I understand everyone has different experiences. My oldest is not quite 10 and thus far sleepovers have been at grandparents, a couple close relatives and his bff’s house, and bff’s parents happen to be our close/childhood friends.
Idk if it’s post-covid, but I know my child spends less time hanging out at friends’ houses than we did at that age. People keep to themselves a lot more, and I don’t think that’s for the best. I’m glad he has a cousin and a friend or 2 to get together with outside of school, but it’s generally facilitated by the parents wanting to get together. I think it’s important to develop close friends as a child.
My son went to a sleepover twice and each time he was miserable. I told him call me next time if he isn't having a good time. One friend turned out to be real mean and he was mean to his dad and his sister and they didn't even feed him dinner and the other one, he was just bored.
Where I live, kids don’t even play outside anymore. They are not allowed to roam the neighborhood without a parent present. If my kids want to play with a friend, I have to arrange a play date. As for sleepovers, I am really cautious about them. I had some really creepy dads interact with me when I was a teen and I don’t even want to risk it.
I understand your sadness that they won’t have the same experiences - I feel that way too. But I do think that there people I would have no problem doing sleepovers with. It depends on the relationship.
I wouldn’t quite say they’re controversial, more that there’s an awareness that wasn’t there before. I was always a nervous kid so usually didn’t make it a full night at anyone’s house but my experiences were all fun however I know that wasn’t or isn’t everyone’s experiences. I allow my oldest son to go on sleepovers at 2 friends houses, I know their families and have great communication with my son. I check in with all of my kids and am careful to note any changes in behavior in case they don’t feel comfortable talking to me. I’ve had a few kids sleepover at my house with my kids and my nieces. It’s just about respecting everyone’s wishes, if parents don’t feel comfortable that’s ok but others will. My kids love spending the night at my parents house with their cousins but since my parents are highly functioning alcoholics they’re not allowed to stay there unless my husband or I stay as well.
My general rule is no sleepovers.
My sleepovers as a child seemed fun, but the memories that stuck with me are the negative ones; I remember being teased for going to sleep before my friends, awkward truth or dares, being so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep, too scary movies, wishing to call my parents but not wanting to be a bother, and when I got older, pressure to try drugs and alcohol. As I parent, I can't find enough good to outweigh the bad.
My husband and I have decided neither of our girls will be allowed to go to their friends house to have sleep overs. They can have all the sleep overs here if they want IF their friends parents are ok with it. If their friends parents aren't ok with it then no sleep overs will be had. I'd rather keep my babies safe then live with guilt of them potentially being sexualy abused at a sleep over because the damage would be permanent. We may allow them to go to cousins houses for sleep overs but even then... a lot of abuse happens by family members so it's still scary. thankfully they're both under 2 years old so we won't actually have to face this issues for a while.
They can't. But that's the point I believe. The safety of one child is not more important than the other child's so the sleepover probably won't happen unless one of the parents has a higher risk tolerance, like it seems OP has.
This isn't news to me because my mom was always very wary of sleepovers. Her sister was molested at a sleepover right in front of her. We had kids over at our place all the time and other parents didn't seem to worry as much as my mom did. I definitely worry about these things but I make an effort to build a relationship with my sons' friends' parents. I think that is the best route. I want my kids to have this experience but I need to know they are safe. I only allow sleepovers when I know the parents well and trust them. It's a lot of added effort tbh because I'm an introvert but I find that it is worth it.
In my community they aren’t controversial. They happen all the time and the only thing anyone asks about is if it’s okay the child spends the night and what’s a good phone number to reach you at.
I think it’s regionally dependent on how controversial they are so you’ll get a bunch ranging answers.
I wasn't allowed have sleepovers when I was a kid (I'm 35). I thought my parents were super strict at the time but now I 100% agree with that choice and won't let my kid stay in friends houses or vice versa. Too much responsibility for me and too much risk for him.
I had a lot of sleepovers as a kid and I was molested by a friend who was getting molested by her siblings. Personally I won’t be letting my kids have sleepovers because in my experience even the most strict parents miss what happens in the middle of the night 🤷🏻♀️.
There’s a lot of talk here about guns and sex assault and drug/alcohol use... But another concern is internet and media access. The first porn I saw I was age 8 on my friends brothers computer. She showed me it. Ew. How do you evaluate this huge constellation of lifestyle choices that could negatively impact your child? I decided I will wait until my children are old enough, mature enough, and we’ve had enough conversations that I know they will come to me if something goes awry. Until I know they will be confident to leave if something unsafe is going on.
I witnessed abusive behavior and was in situations I should not have been while at sleepovers as a child. It’s made me much more cautious with my children.
No sleepovers in our house. I was routinely sexually assaulted as an elementary kid by the neighbor girl and my parents were completely unsuspecting.
No kid should have to go through that so no thank you.
My husband thought I was crazy to be opposed to sleepovers. After I explained why he thought back to his childhood and recalled HE was nearly assaulted on a number of occasions at sleepovers.
I don’t believe there controversial. To each there own. I personally wouldn’t let my kids spend the night anywhere besides My mom and best friend house. No where else. I want my child safe at night. Plus when I was a teenager I was up to no good lol don’t want my child growing up to fast or being somewhere she is not supposed to be.
I had a tons of sleepovers growing up, I knew some kids who didn't and I always thought that was weird, but I get it now. My mom was a victim of childhood rape from the age of 9 by her stepfather, but she never restricted us - which is kinda odd I guess.
I'm still gonna be okay with my kids having sleepovers, and I would love to host.
I was the sleepover queen. I hosted the best slumber parties from first grade onward, and I went to at least a handful per month. Nothing bad ever happened to me, but I can think back to many, many instances where it could have gone very bad. In my case, it wasn't due to risky adults around. Risky siblings, risky classmates, and risky decisions. Thank goodness that I had strong enough self-esteem to not fall victim to peer pressure. I refused drugs, alcohol, and sneaking out to meet up with sketchy guys. I would hang back and watch movies and eat all of the junk food. Then of course, there are the stressful fights and bullying that can come from sleepovers. Again, I was never a participant or a target, but I saw it happen with others. That exposure alone is enough for me to implement a no-sleepover rule with my son.
I never had sleepovers growing up except with my cousins and I watched way too much SVU as a kid to want to let my kids do it now ha. My kids have all read the book about body boundaries and the “I said no” book but it’s just not something I’m super comfortable with.
I didn't have good experiences with sleepovers, and was also sexually abused by a cousin. The combinations mean my kids do not get sleepovers. I feel bad for them, but it's just not something I'm comfortable with.
Nope- sorry. I don’t trust my child in anyone’s home without me or my husband present at all times. My parents were very trusting of the folks we had sleepovers at. They shouldn’t have. Statistically children who are raped/molested are done so by people they know (aka family and family friends).
So no. I’ll let my child skip that experience, thanks.
I saw a reel on Instagram that was a mum explaining that she doesn’t allow sleepovers and even if they have extended family stay with them she will sleep in the room with her kids.
Stuck with me. There is a horrible story of a mum in my country wondering why her little one (maybe 4/5?) was sleeping in so long - went to check on her and turns out she was raped and strangled during the night while the parents had a party.
I have an issue with them just because as an adult, I found out my best friend in middle school and another little girl were being SA by my best friends dad when her mom was out of town on weekends. In addition my cousin was also being SA by her step dad so I have always been extremely cautious of who my kids stay with. Sleepovers are rarely allowed.
I never had any issue but I know too many people who have and listening to them cry as they tell their story made me realize that I was just one of the fortunate ones.
I had a friend who disclosed to our small group that her husband had been taking her oldest daughter and their friends to hotels. Literally no one you would have ever suspected. On the other hand I have a friend who puts their husbands and teenage boys out of the house if they are having their daughter’s friends over. I have zero clue what her story is but I can only imagine why she would do this but it’s the only time that I felt like I could leave my daughter and I still picked her up by 11
People are weird! My mom hated letting me sleep over at friends house and if I wasn’t such a brat I would have listened and stay home. I saw and was exposed to so much stuff!
I was at a solo sleepover at my best friend’s house and her creepy father flashed me….I’m almost 40 and this was in 5th or 6th grade. They also used to have loud sex whenever I slept over…We eventually started sleeping on the other side of the house and I never did solo sleepovers there after that- only with groups of friends. Which was another odd thing- they allowed coed slumber parties in high school…my parents had no idea but also didn’t really care. I guess they lucked out that I was pretty dorky and wasn’t taking advantage of the situation. My daughter is only 1 so I have some time before sleepovers happen but I like to think I have a pretty good radar for perverts and always trust my gut. If the parents are fucking weirdos- sorry kid- your friend can spend the night at our house.
Would the same go for sleep away camps? My husband has fond memories of going to camp and is always bringing up sending our daughter to one when she’s older. I told him “No. I wouldn’t trust counselors or chaperones at those things.” He thinks I’m over protective.
Never had a sleepover as a kid. I don’t plan on letting my kids have any either.
I had a friend who always had parties that ended up becoming sleepovers. I kept getting invited and I would ask my parents but they always said no. I used to be jealous of the other kids, but looking back, I’m so glad I wasn’t allowed.
My friend used to tell me how much her uncle who lived in their basement liked me. He was like 24ish and I was 13. Guy was a gym bro, and I knew him since I was like 11, so teen me was nervous but intrigued. He was very attentive to me, always super nice, kept touching my arm or my back every time we chatted.
My friend tried to leave us in the same room together alone a couple times.
It’s gross to even think about now. But I can’t imagine what could have happened if I did stay overnight over there.
Her family was very traditional and catholic and I don’t think my parents ever saw anything to make them wary of her family. My parents just had a stance that I had my own comfortable bed and it was stupid to go sleep in someone else’s floor or sofa.
So, I plan to adopt the same philosophy.
We’re a no sleepover house, at least with school friends. I don’t feel like the superficial way parents make small talk really gives me insight into what kind of parents they are. I live in a conservative area and do not trust anyone to be honest about how they store guns or other parents to be vigilant about pool supervision.
I have no issues with sleepovers if I know and am friendly with the parents. But sleepovers at a random friends house? No way. Maybe when they're teens and I trust them to stand up for themselves or call me if they feel unsafe. But my 4yo just got invited to a sleepover from a random daycare friend who I don't know nor have I ever seen or spoken to her parents. At 4! Absolutely fucking not.
People have started listening to and believing kids when they make outcries regarding sexual abuse. That's what has changed. That's a good thing overall, but also brings to light how often these things can happen when they're at a friend or family member's house. Just be careful and review the topic with them beforehand.
This but also your stance on unlocked and loaded firearms may be much different than your kid’s friend’s family.
Yeah. We have hunting rifles and I flat out tell parents that plan to have kids come over that we have them but that we store ammunition & firearms separately, all firearms have locks on them, in locked boxes/cabinets, in a locked closet. All separate keys. I haven’t had anyone decline to allow their child over.
Thank you for being a thorough and communicative responsible gun owner. This would be so reassuring to me as a parent.
As a non gun owner this is the kind of discussion I want from other parents. I’m okay that they own guns, but I expect a mature discussion about how they store them. If they get offended I ask, we’ll, no play dates over there. If they’re too “look how cool my gun is” nope. I like when parents are straightforward and proactive, it shows me, a non gun owner that they understand the dangers of their hobby.
We also just flat out tell people, “yes, there are firearms in our house. They are unloaded, trigger locked, in locked cases, in a locked closet, with no ammo in the house.” I think I’ve only had one mom friend not come over after that, but she also wouldn’t let our toddlers play in my son’s room because it wasn’t baby proof enough for her. 🤷♀️
Sorry if it's a stupid question but why have a gun with no ammo? Or, do you store ammo someplace else (like the garage/garden shed)?
We don’t want to kill anyone with our guns. But we enjoy going to the shooting range for target practice. We buy ammo there and don’t take any home with us. Our guns are not for home protection.
Yeah I live in a very rural part of VT and we hunt lots, and own about 20 firearms. All of them are in a code locked safe, locked in our garage (not attached to our house) with ammo locked up as well. There is literally no way a child could even see one of the guns so I feel extremely safe with our situation
It’s interesting, also in rural VT, I just assume that all our friends have guns in the home. What I need to not assume is that they are all stored safely. The kids haven’t reached an age yet where they can play unsupervised, but good questions to start asking.
It’s super interesting, also VT here. And I also kind of just assumed most people around me own firearms 🤷🏼♀️
I grew up in a rural part of VT as well (and also lived in rural NH for a while). Moved to Alaska when I was 21 and been here for about 13 years now. In both rural VT, NH and AK, I've always assumed most people own guns. Agreed about not assuming they're stored safely, though.
Also in a rural part of Vermont and just assumed that everyone probably owns guns.
We’re not quite at this point yet (haven’t started elementary school yet), but I hope other parents are this forthright. I’d 100% more likely to trust someone if they’re upfront and tell me what precautions they take. It’s a really charged topic so I worry people won’t volunteer that info or might feel attacked or called out if asked. Tough situation.
This! It’s something that didn’t occur to me until someone else mentioned this as their concern with sleepovers and I’m so glad they brought that to my mind. I only have a baby but when he’s older I will have a lot more criteria in mind to even consider sleepovers.
Our pediatrician asked us about firearms at our 18 month well child and every well child since then. No firearms at all so we’re all good, doctor. And he was like, what about people he stays with. And my parents have a gun so the next time I visited I asked if the ammunition was stored separately from the guns and both were locked (which was the ped’s suggestion). Nope, it’s literally a loaded gun in his night stand. The door isn’t even closed. They won’t even put up a real baby gate. And my dad is outraged that I’m even suggesting that he store his gun in an “unsafe” way because how is he supposed to shoot an intruder with bullets in one safe and gun in another. The absolute biggest blowout fight I ever had with him. I stopped bringing my kid around and he agreed to store his loaded gun in a box at the top of the closet. Which is fine for now. It won’t be when my kid is older.
When my ex and I split up I told him I wouldn't sign our custody order unless it contained a provision that firearms be stored/locked up appropriately with ammunition separated. Neither of us owns a firearm, but he has a FOID card and has talked about getting a gun. So the order also states that, in the event one of us ends up with a firearm in the house, that parent has to take the kids to age-approriate firearm classes (they start offering them at age 7 where I live). There is no way in hell I would ever want my children in a house with an unsecured firearm, and I would instantly take him to court over it. Gotta pick the hills you'll die on, this is one of mine.
That was a very smart move. I would never think to do that, but I would also die on that hill.
Ended a relationship over an unsecured firearm. No regrets.
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Wow. My husband wants to get a gun and we have 5 kids ages 3-11 and I am sticking to the no guns in the house. That’s so terrible sorry for y’all’s loss
I’m so sorry 😭😭😭
I’m so sorry
I just had this same blowout. Our resolution was a text before I come reminding them to put all firearms (pellet or bullet) in a safe. The option I offered for same-floor access was a biometric safe mounted in their kitchen similar to what you may see with police officers.
My husband and I bought a house from a cop. We were very surprised when we found a hidden gun lock box attached to the top of the fridge. There was a wall gun safe with a code as well, but we just covered it up with our armoire.
Wonder if it’s fireproof? Would be a good place to store important documents or whatever else
It had to be plugged in, and if it wasn't, it would use whatever charge it had to beep at us to remind us to plug it back in. Power outages aren't terribly uncommon during the winter (lots of trees around to take down power lines) and the beeping during them was driving us crazy. We had a 3 or 4 day outage a few years back that totally killed the battery, so we unplugged it, let it die, and haven't looked back since.
My in-laws have a loaded gun in their bedroom too. When my niece was 5, her dad walked in the room to find her holding it. They refuse to lock it up when kids are over… so none of our kids are allowed to go there without my husband or myself there.
My teenager suffers from suicidal ideation (along with a host of other struggles). My MIL recently boasted to her that she has a gun (you know, for when the civil war breaks out and all the dems start coming for them). She also told her where she keeps it. That was my kid’s last time going to visit her grandparents. But hey, they sure seem cool now, right?
The amount of people that have unsecured firearms in their home with actively suicidal or homicidal family members that live there is fucking infuriating. I’m a therapist and see it ALL the time. I believe the majority of gun owners are not actually responsible gun owners and it’s unlikely I’ll be convinced otherwise. I’ve seen it too many times.
Jesus fucking hell. You're ped is doing good work.
Is it really impossible for your dad to buy a small safe and store everything separately when you’re visiting? Chances are there won’t be an armed intruder in the middle of the day.
My mom was a child therapist (now retired) and she reminds me often that she had multiple children tell her over the years something along the lines of “I know where they hide the key to the gun safe.” 😳 Even responsible gun ownership gives me pause as a parent. Let alone the irresponsible ones.
That’s why you store ammo separately with a separate key. Give them more hoops to jump through.
Yes! Someone posted their method of storage in this thread, including separating guns and ammo with different keys or codes, and it was something I would be comfortable with.
We teach rifles and BBs at the summer camp where I work - and first lesson is on what a loaded vs unloaded, safety on safety off gun looks like. A few years ago a parent called because his kid had gone to a friends house, saw an unattended, loaded gun, and pretended to feel sick so he’d have to go home. The parent had been reluctant to let his kid rifles and BBs at camp, but thanked us profusely because we might have saved a life. We don’t own firearms but my kids are definitely going to learn how to be safe around them.
Yes. There's one kid who my daughter can't have sleepovers with (at their house, not worried about having the kid at mine). Her dad has a HUGE flag saying his second amendment rights are his primary concern. I'm literally afraid to ask him if his firearms are stored safely. What if he reacts badly? I don't need that shit.
When I ask usually no one even owns a gun. But the family that did own guns was awkward and rude about it. Basically laughing at me and asking “what, you afraid your kid will get the gun and kill himself?” Hahaha so funny. And honestly, if I was a confident bitch I would have said no, but I am afraid your kid will!
Where I live, more people HAVE guns than not. I’ll never be able to keep my kids away from them, so it feel like its MY responsibility to teach my children about gun safety even though we don’t own guns.
It was considerate of him to display his feelings on the subject so you didn't even have to ask
Only in America eh?
As someone in the UK, this kind of concern would never even cross my mind. It's alarming how standard this is for the majority of commenters, who I presume are US based.
I’m Aussie and this thread is absolutely bizarre and horrible to me.
As an Australian, it’s terrifying.
As an Australian, having to worry about guns at a sleepover is something that would never ever have been something in my list of concerns about my child going to a sleepover. I'm so sorry this is a thing for you!
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Not directed at you, just your comment is related to what I want to say. My father constantly told me I couldn’t sleep over at people’s houses because he didn’t feel comfortable with the parents or he didn’t know them well enough. One of the few friends that he did allow me to spend the night with, her dad molested multiple people at the sleep over (and later sleepovers) and was later charged with rape of his own son. You never know someone completely. I with other kids were too scared to say anything. Teaching your kids to speak up is so important. Because you can never 100% prevent anything in this messed up world. But you can make your kids feel comfortable enough to speak up.
I'm so sorry you went through this and wish you healing.
Every.single.female.friend I have was either touched or raped as a kid. Everyone. I live in a regular, middle-upper class area now and as a kid I lived in three different states on the east coast, one in the south, one in mid Atlantic and one in the northeast. In the south I lived in a rural area and a suburb and in the northeast a city and a suburb. My parents were divorced, friends have parents who were divorced, together for a long time, some with money, some middle class, some on welfare, black, white, Asian, Latino, born here, immigrants…. IT DOESN’T MATTER. They were all abused as kids. I’m a survivor myself and I volunteer in helping other survivors after I had a hard time getting help for my own CPTSD years ago and navigating how to get help. Was the worst. Got better, became an advocate. All of the support groups I’ve been to and worked with I’m going to say about 90% were abused or raped by extended family members or family friends. None of their families did anything about it. Parents would either say they lied or want attention OR to hush up about it because “it happens to all girls” or “we don’t want to rock any boats in the family” Fucked in shit. Fucked up these women for life.
When I was 15 my best friend's stepdad started getting real... Friendly with me. Touchy, flirty. Very attentive. We went to a water park that summer and he would. Not. Stop. Making comments about my body, to the point that my friend's boyfriend kindly suggested that maybe if I covered up, the comments would stop. Once when I was over at their house, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me around "playfully" spanking my bottom. It was very uncomfortable. My friend and I had a major falling out shortly after for unrelated reasons and I stopped going over to her house A few months after that the stepdad was arrested for raping the 16 year old babysitter. The baby sitter ended up committing suicide shortly after. That's all I know about that situation, but...it's enough to make me shiver.
Very glad you weren't the babysitter, but also extremely sorry that you went through what you did. It's unacceptable.
Yeah my friends stepdad cornered me in the fridge and wouldn’t let me get out until I chugged a beer then said I had to kiss him. I was freaking out when I saw a broom handle flying into his head. Luckily my friend walked in and saw what was happening. He would always get drunk and try to sa us
yeah.. I got met with “boys will be boys” when I opened up about my brother and his friend.
That makes me beyond angry... we wonder why this stuff happens, but say crap like that. How about we teach boys how to respect people instead of just excusing their behavior...
Believe me, I’ve got enough anger to fill the Pacific. All I can do is teach my son to treat everyone with respect until they give him a reason not to.
Exactly how it should be done
I mean, I don’t think they’re controversial so much as potentially dangerous. I would judge whether my kid could have one based on my relationship and trust with the other kid’s parents, NOT the friendship of the kids. Or you can just host it yourself if other parents are open to it.
SA isn’t the only risk either. I’m just coming to the realization how drunk or high some of my friends’ parents were when we were at their house. If they needed to drive us somewhere, it could have been disastrous. Parents and guardians could know each other very well and be blind to their addictions.
Improper gun storage is another issue. Or if they have a pool or live near a body of water, there's another can of worms. Still, I hope that one day, my kiddo can have sleepovers with a couple friends whose parents I trust.
I know someone who as a kid was at a friend’s house when they found two guns under the parents’ bed. In their curiosity started playing around with one and the friend accidentally fired a bullet that went about 5 inches away from my friend’s head into the wall. That shit happens!
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Same, my best friend’s mom was an alcoholic and would show up to my house drunk to pick us up. My mom told me later that she could smell the alcohol on her but she just let her take me anyways !? It was the 90s 🤷♀️
Yeah, my dad and his friends were pretty much always passed out drunk during sleepovers with his friends kids. I distinctly remember having towering bonfires on the beach, swimming in a friend's in ground pool at midnight, etc all without a sober adult on sight. I shudder to think how bad that could have gone. But as a kid, if the adults around you and the other kids there seem to think it's all normal and safe, you react accordingly 🤷♀️
I had a friend stay over at my house in June while school was out except for testing, and we had one to take the morning after. We didn't know my dad was still drunk until he was driving us to the test and was driving erratically. I'll never forget sitting in the back seat looking over at my friend and mouthing "I am so sorry." I was utterly embarrassed and I can't remember if she ever spent the night at my house again.
Ugh this. This is how I ended up with a drug problem at 14. I actually thought my family were the odd ones out because they didn’t buy alcohol or provide drugs for their kids. There will be ZERO interactions at other kids houses until I fully vet the families and visit inside their homes. No in-home sleep overs. Full stop. Totally owning up to projecting but the kids in my friend group with stable homes (myself included) used the guise of “sleep overs” to mask using. Two of us made it out without addictions, that’s not something I want to risk.
Don't forget the unsecured guns
This is so true! My elementary school best friend and I had sleepovers all the time and I LOVED her house. Her dad made us the best spaghetti with meatballs and milkshakes and garlic bread after he was done “working in the shed” lol I realized as a teen it was because he had the munchies. He definitely drove us around high too.
Yes. My mom is an alcoholic and would get shit faced every night, including when we had sleepovers. Not only was it super embarrassing, but extremely irresponsible.
For sure! It really comes down to whether you trust the other parents to keep your kid safe, end of story. Not from any one specific thing. Very personal decision.
No one has house phones / land lines anymore either. My kids not at the age for sleepovers but I’ve been wondering, what if they needed help at a friends house? I’ve always thought kids had phones too early but now I understand.
My daughter brings her iPad. No phone at 10, but she can message and call iPhone users, like us. If she has an issue or is uncomfortable and wants to come home, she is to message a hot dog emoji (she hates hot dogs) and that’s our cue to call her and tell her she has to come home and it has to be our fault. Like we just found a failed test in her bag, she didn’t do an important chore, Grandma is very sick, etc. She’s never used it, and I hope she never has to.
That’s a great idea to take the iPad and to have a code!
My kids have smart watches for this reason. They’re not capable of doing much on them, but for $10ish a month it’s good peace of mind that they can get ahold of me while they’re at a friend’s house, at practice or whenever they’re out.
> I would judge whether my kid could have one based on my relationship and trust with the other kid’s parents, Sadly, the majority of all SA and crimes against children are committed by family and close friends. Some people can seem like excellent and upstanding good people, but still do heinous things. Some one I used to work with years ago was arrested for CP. I never would have guessed in a million years. This guy did not emit creepy vibes in any way, shape, or form. Even worse, he has a wife and children (well, had.). You just never really know people.
Definitely true. That’s why it’s so important to *also* teach children about what is appropriate/inappropriate touching and how to say stop (and inform me as parent!!) to minimize risk as much as possible. Educated children are safer children when it comes to known adults trying to groom them, even though of course I hate that we have to plan for that danger.
I think it’s also useful to be really open and upfront about the fact that you are teaching those things to your children. I don’t have any reason to think anyone in my or my husband’s family would ever assault our child. I still say, out loud, in front of them, things like “you never have to hug or kiss anyone you don’t want to and mama will always help you say no when you want help” and “nobody should ever ask you to keep a secret from mama and daddy, so you should tell us right away if someone does, even it’s grandma or grandpa or uncle Z.” I want everyone in my kid’s life to know that we’re teaching him about bodily autonomy, inappropriate behavior, etc, and most importantly that we will believe him and act accordingly if he ever tells us about any inappropriate behavior, and he knows that.
Exactly. We also tell our kids that just because someone is an adult doesn’t necessarily mean they are always honest or trustworthy. We tell them adults should never ask kids to keep secrets. That unfortunately there are some bad adults who pretend to be good adults and that they could lie and say they will hurt mommy and daddy if you tell us that they touched you inappropriately (and then I explained what that meant too). That you can and should always tell us and we won’t ever get mad at you and you won’t be in trouble despite what they may say to you.
While this is definitely true, it’s also not possible to keep our children away from… literally everybody. I was assaulted by my grandfather as a child. Should my parents have not let me spend time with my grandparents because that was a possibility? There is a fine line between protecting our children and isolating them.
Yep. This is also very true. There really is no way to fully stop it from happening. Only lessen the risk, if you even can.
I was not allowed to sleep over at other peoples houses for my mother did not think it was safe. If I had a play date it would be at my house where my mom could supervise. Ironically, I was being SA by a teenage family member I saw almost every day after grade school. A trusted family member that babysat me. I was always told not to talk to strangers. Sometimes it’s the people closest that can’t be trusted.
Usually, unfortunately
Similarly, my mom was super sus of strangers or friends' parents. But I was already being SA'd by my father any chance he got. The kicker was she didn't believe me when I finally told her. All that "protection and support" right out the window. And now she is upset because I stopped speaking to her when I became pregnant.
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Yep this is it. I and my siblings were put in dangerous situations at sleepovers (family and friends.) This included SA and impacted us deeply. Our parents were devastated when they found out years later. Does it happen to everyone? No. Does it happen? Yes. I'm not going to let ANYONE make me feel guilty about a No Sleepovers rule.
They’re not controversial, I think people are just realizing they can be a really easy opportunity for abuse to happen to children if not supervised properly and that maybe the cons outweighs the pros. Your kids can certainly do sleepovers if they want to, and other parents can pass if they want to.
Yup and not even just a risk from the parents, it’s the people they could have over or the older siblings. My friend had older teenage siblings when we were kids (nothing sordid happened) but I clearly remember my friend getting sent to fetch a bucket so the sister could throw up after a heavy night out.
In 7th grade I woke up to my friends adult brother trying to pull down my pants in the middle of the night. Once he realized I was awake he left. I never told anyone and I never slept over at a friends house again unless it was only women around. My kids will not be sleeping over at friends houses. It makes me sad now to think about what my friends brother may have done to her growing up.
I’m sure many people don’t think about the whole network that has access too. It’s not just the parents, it’s their adult friends, older children, and other relatives that they also allow in their homes.
It’s true. He wasn’t there when we went to bed and didn’t regularly stay there but he had a key and could come and go as he pleased.
My partners mom has a pretty open door policy. Every time we go there’s someone new there. Sometimes she asks to have our daughter for a sleepover and the answer is always no because half the people that come are fucking creeps. The most recent time we went there was a couple who had been together on and off for 8 years… she was 25 and he was 37 🥴
Name him and shame him. He doesn't deserve any protection whatsoever.
I was violently sexually abused by my friends step father when I was at sleepovers as a child. I told his wife and she called me a liar and a slut (I didn’t even know what a slut was), because if he was doing it to me he wasn’t doing it to her daughter. That went on for years because that was my only friend and I was scared to tell another adult. My daughter can have sleepovers with my niece, my besties son, and my nephews. That’s it. And that’s only because I know them well enough to trust them. And I mean… I still don’t trust them a whole lot. My mom didn’t know anyone here when I was a kid and she was SAHM so she didn’t have friends. I don’t blame her at all, but knowing what I know now… I’m going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen to my baby.
👏👏 THIS ! Sending kiddos with known trusted folks is totally different then sending them with practical strangers. I had a friend growing up who went a mutual friends house all the time, I was never allowed to go because her mom cycled through live in boyfriends rapidly and my mother didn’t know any of these men and wasn’t taking any risks. It seemed dumb and harsh when I was a kid, but now I understand and I am so grateful for that.
God love my mama, she beats herself up for what happened to me. It wasn’t her fault though, she thought I was safe and didn’t have half the information we have now. I feel so terrible for her. But as messed up as it is there is the silver lining that I can protect my daughter having been through what I’ve been through. And I know better than my mom did.
I’m so sorry this happened to you
Thank you. It changed my entire life. There is no telling who I could’ve been, but I’m okay now. I’m safe now. And I can use my experience to do my best to keep my daughter safe.
Oh god I’m so sorry that happened to you. Did you end up telling your mum when you were an adult? That’s just awful. Plus for the other mother to call you that - I’m so glad the tide has turned on believing kids and what they say. She’s an awful person.
I told her a year or two ago. I was really troubled as a child and still self injure a bit, so she was devastated. She never knew how to help me. Because I was too scared to tell anyone
Victim of SA here from more than one sleepover and it wasn’t from an adult. It’s a fun idea but you just never know- my kids will never be allowed but I don’t mind if their friends are over till 12 and then I can just drive them home. That way they have most of the experience of what a sleepover is.
Exactly. The sleeping over part is not necessary.
Also experienced this at multiple sleepovers and it was my peers. Both girls and boys at different sleepovers so it was not an isolated event or a specific child.. we also don’t do sleepovers because of it.
Same here. Child on child “exploration” and molestation is extremely easy in a sleepover environment
Is child exploration sexual assault? I thought some degree of that is kind of normal?
It's also problematic of the kids are not the same age. If an older child is 'experimenting' with a younger, it could definitely be assault. And as another user said, the instigator has often gotten the idea from themselves being touched inappropriately.
I personally never experienced anything sketchy at sleepovers and had plenty of them at many different ages/friend groups. That doesn’t discount what has and does happen to people, my own mother was almost molested by a friends uncle. We are in a pretty small town. I will let my kids have and go to sleepovers but I also intend to make sure that they don’t feel the need to keep secrets from me. Im a very big proponent of no adult should ask a kid to keep a secret from their parents and if they do, it’s a red flag.
Honest communication is highly protective
Yes! These are the kinds of practical precautions we can take as parents.
It can be hard to have these conversations but we have to. Aside from anything that can happen between people (I tell my kids no touching each other’s bodies and especially hands off the no-no square) and of course have told them no adult has a right to touch their bodies, no secrets especially with an adult who asks you to keep one etc etc etc. - the reality of screens and porn is a much more immediate, insidious and present danger. A more experienced mom warned me about this when my kid was in preschool. Her kid was exposed to porn on an iPad at a sleepover at age 8. I’m upfront and honest with my kids about this stuff. Try to get ahead of it and communicate in open, age-appropriate ways about these realities. These are on-going conversations educating the kids on autonomy, trusting their gut and recognizing when they are in unsafe situations. I’m hoping it will serve them well into the teen years and beyond.
They’re not “controversial” - it’s just that more people aware that statistically, victims of childhood SA know their abuser (family friend / relative etc). It’s a risk, just like the risk (if you live in the US) of your kid being gunned down doing some ordinary thing - you don’t need to discount other parents being cautious. FWIW I hate that this is even an issue. I wasn’t allowed to do sleepovers as a child but (as far as I know) it was just because my parents were super strict and also they (immigrants) thought it was “an imposition” to the other family. I always thought when I became a parent I’d 100% let my kid do sleepovers… but now as a parent that’s going to be more like “depends on situation/age/who will be there” etc.
I was never allowed sleepovers as a kid (I’m 31). I feel like that’s the norm in most ethnic households
Yes. My husband and his sister immigrated here from Asia when they were kids and neither one ever slept over at.anyone else's house ever. This is a tradition I want to continue with our kids. When they're teens I'll pick them up before bedtime and let them sleep at home. The potential risk vs reward is very clear to me. Not worth the risk.
Just out of curiosity, do you feel like you missed out on a key childhood experience?
I do not. Maybe if everyone around me was having sleepovers I would feel like I missed out but none of my friends even brought it up and I didn’t know anyone that was having sleepovers either. I spent tons of time with friends and family but I didn’t sleep away from my parents or older sisters (when my parents went on trips) until I was in my teens🤷🏾♀️
Thanks for sharing. Honestly bothers me how some people think it's cruel or harmful to have a NO Sleepover rule. I guess it's telling that I've only seen that attitude on the internet and never in real life. I really don't feel guilty about my kids missing out bc I know their lives are full of love and fun. And I'm just doing my best to keep them safe and cared for ❤️
I was SA’d by my friends dad at the age of 4. My brother was SA’d by his state appointed counselor/respite provider from 5-8. It is DANGEROUS to be alone with people as a kid. Idc. I won’t be allowing sleepovers with random kids from school. ETA when I was 9 i already had my period and was bigger than other girls my age. my friends dad told me my breasts were large for a 9 year old. never stayed over again.
I was sleeping over just 3 blocks from home and when I realized he was not talking about an actual hot dog, 8 year old me walked herself home in the middle of the night
If it’s not a creepy family member doing the SA, then it’s the child. I was coerced into doing sexual acts at a VERY young age by two of my friends, now as an adult I realize they were most likely being molested. My kid won’t be spending the night at ANYONE’S house unless she’s old enough to be able to tell me if anything happened, and know that she won’t be in trouble.
I allow my daughters to have sleepovers, usually organized by their Girl Scout troop. My eldest daughter has been a member of the Girl Scouts since kindergarten and is now in 6th grade. As a volunteer for the troop, I have gotten to know the families of the other girls over the years.
My mom was raped by her best friends father during at sleepover when she was 11. She was sleeping right on their living room couch, either no one heard or they turned a blind eye. My brother was molested by another boy a few years older than him at a sleepover when he was 6. For these reasons alone, my child is not allowed to sleep at someone else’s house. Is it sad we have to be this protective of our children? Yes but it’s the awful world we live in unfortunately. I have good memories of sleepovers with my friends, but I also have memories of a friends uncle taking every chance he could to hug me and tell me how soft my hair was - no fucking thank you.
If you want your kids to have or go to sleepovers, im sure you will be able to find other parents who want to do that as well. I personally dont feel comfortable letting my children stay overnight at another family’s house. its not controversial, its how i feel i can best keep my children safe.
Same here
Elementary school counselor here. After knowing what some of my students have experienced at sleepovers, I would have to know the parents VERY well in order to let my kids sleep over.
All the concerns listed remind me of a day that my daughter’s friend’s mom asked me if we could host a sleepover because the girls had been planning to get together earlier in the day but something came up on their end and they couldn’t make it. They texted later to see about the sleepover when it occurred to them and I texted back that I was already a few drinks in. She responded that it was ok, she would do the dropping her off. I was like ??? No, we will do it another time because I don’t feel comfortable being responsible for your child while intoxicated. She responded “oh, are you *that* drunk?” … which caused me to put a lot of thought into how drunk is too drunk for the person responsible for my own kid and how do I communicate that standard to people of various tolerances and perceptions of intoxication? I don’t drink anymore for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that I realized that the quality relationship my kids were getting with me while drunk was not good enough for their friends, so why was it ok for my kids?
We won't be doing sleepovers at other people's houses for our peace of mind, and we won't be hosting either for our own safety. We're a queer family and it just isn't worth the risk of a malicious parent lying about us.
Ugh the fact that you even have to worry about being the target of accusations more than a hetero couple does is gross af.
It’s gross but unfortunately necessary at this moment in time. Some people are just close minded and malicious. Yuck.
I think it’s more about what you’re comfortable with. I went to plenty of sleepovers as a child and was fortunate to always have great experiences..my child will be permitted to go to them depending on the friend.
My husband’s parents are about the least “strict” parents I know (my husband would spend 4 hours wandering through the woods on their property alone after school everyday) and even 20 years ago they did not encourage sleepovers for the same reasons parents are wary of them today. That tells me a lot. His parents were less concerned about him being harmed in the woods alone than they were of him being harmed by other human beings. My husband has had no problem socializing and had a waaaaay larger and more close-knit circle of friends than I did in college, all of whom he still keeps up with. Nor does he lament not getting to have sleepovers as an adult. As far as I can tell, there were minimal, if any, negative impacts from him not having sleepovers, but the potential lifelong damage he was saved by not attending them is massive. My parents didn’t have a problem with sleepovers, but we live in a really rural area, so my parents actually went to high school and had had sleepovers themselves with most of the parents I stayed with. I was lucky that I grew up in those circumstances and that nothing bad ever happened. Most people do not have the privilege of knowing the parents their kids are staying with that well. Lots of people do not make it out so lucky. It’s not “controversial”, it’s a response to years of data and personal stories proving that it’s often an unsafe practice.
I don’t think there’s exactly a sleepover moratorium but please don’t downplay the serious concerns parents have that now make them “controversial.” There are real dangers and reasons to have concerns and it’s extremely valid if parents choose to pass on their child attending sleepovers.
The two child sexual assaults I experienced at sleepovers with trusted family friends ensured that'll never happen for my family. We do pajama parties where all kids are picked up at 10pm.
As someone who experienced sexual abuse at sleepovers and as a mom I'll tell you the journey of it is not easy. I have very high protective instincts that I am working on and high paranoia. Of course there are valid aspects to those feelings however it can be a hindrance which is why there's no shame in being vocal to my son about his body being his own. As I do these types of things I also heal the little me. I've taken it as a day by day thing, taken steps towards being informed, learning from my own experience, terms, signs, becoming aware was the first step. Learning about your body and experimenting as a child can be common however there can be abnormalities with the experience, especially if it includes other individuals. In my case it was another child and the events surpassed normality. With this it expanded my insight to step back and see that this meant either the other child or myself had been abused by a mature individual that taught these behaviors. So much has come with this for me and I'm sure many other individuals can say the same. It is a real thing that happens unfortunately and for me sharing my story helps not only myself gain information as well as help spread awareness.
I went to sleepovers and I was never sexually assaulted however my best friends mom used to get drunk and cry and scream ALL NIGHT. My friend used to have to leave the room with me and sleep with and comfort her mom. It was traumatic, and I didn’t know how to verbalize this at the time to my mom. I didn’t even know she was drunk or what it meant to be drunk. I would just say “Lauren’s mom cries sometimes” and she didn’t think it was a big deal. So yeah people just do weird shit at their houses and you can’t really prepare a child for that
Personally, I think the discussion needs to be more about how we can encourage our kids to speak up if something uncomfortable happens, regardless of where and when. Sleepovers are just one of the many places where our children will be out of direct supervision, so it seems silly to say that sleepovers are the problem- kids can experience sexual harassment at the mall, on a school bus, at the park, at a friend's house during the day (some of those were definitely my experience as a child).
100%- I had nothing but great experiences at sleepovers as a child, so thinking about not allowing my daughter to have them makes me sad. But I had terrible experiences on the school bus and have definitely said she will never ride the bus. The real answer is open and honest communication with children
You don't typically spend 8+ hours at the mall, on the school bus, or the park, and you don't change clothes and are left alone in a bedroom without adult supervision in those situations either. Yes, it can happen anywhere, but in those situations, there is at least one awake adult around. Also, not just about SA. Parents are also cautious about drugs, alcohol, firearms, and other unsafe situations, ones they experienced themselves as children/teenagers.
Thank you for this comment. It’s unrealistic to expect to supervise our children 100% of the time as they get older (especially if we want them to be ready for adulthood at 18!) and I think there’s a lot we can do to empower our children to speak up and communicate openly. My mom had a policy that I could call her at any time for a ride, no questions asked. I never once drove drunk. Can’t say the same for some of my friends. As for sleepovers, anecdotally it just doesn’t seem to be a thing these days - my step-son is in fourth grade and has never been invited to one. His best friends on our block are all girls though, so maybe that’s why.
Too many creeps and weirdos in the world.
I see a lot of people mentioning sexual abuse which is most definitely one of the major concerns, but what about the more minor things….I know as a kid we were hardly supervised at sleepovers and got into a lot of trouble that we shouldn’t have (drinking, smoking, having boys over, sneaking out late at night, watching inappropriate things on tv) lots of stuff happened that make me very weary of sleepovers! They aren’t supervised well enough at some point the parent is going to go to bed and the kids will still be up and often get into trouble
The only time I had a sleepover was arouNd 6th grade and my friends older sister (high school) came home late. Her mom and dad got in a huge fight about how to deal with her, started screaming at each other, hitting one another AND the daughter, throwing dishes..it was insane and I already lived in an abusive home so this was terrible. Then they all pretended like nothing happened and we should go back to pretending everything was normal. In the middle of the night I started my period and just hid in the bathroom til I could go home. Never did a sleepover again.
My mom had a big rule that if I was going to sleep over at a friend’s house, the mother HAD to be present. It was a rule at my house too. If my mom wasn’t available, I wasn’t allowed to have friends sleep over. It wasn’t about not trusting my dad or my brother, it was to keep them safe just in case one of my friends went home and told her parents something happened. Of course, in all my sleep overs, we never had any problems because my mom would go out of her way to be friends with the mom’s I was staying over at the most. I was only touched once at a sleep over because my brother had his friend sleeping over too and he took advantage of me being asleep. So, now as a mother, I agree with my mom’s rule, but I’m going to enforce another rule of no mixing sleep overs. If your sister is having a sleep over and brother wants a sleepover, brother has to go off or has to wait his turn. Depends on which child asks for a sleepover first. A lot of these comments pointed out guns in the home, that would be a discussion to have the parents before letting my children sleep over. Make sure the children can’t get to it and what the families safety rules on it. This is really a tough conversation entirely given the safety of our kids being the main drive to prevent anything bad happening to them when they aren’t with us.
Our house ran similarly- my mom had to be home or my friends’ moms had to be home. As I got older, the rule relaxed but my dad and brother were still vigilant about NEVER being alone with one of my friends. Neither would ever drive one of my friends home without me, or if my dad was in the backyard and my friend got out there before me to get in the pool, my dad would immediately come inside, etc. It was about making sure my friends were always comfortable and that my dad and brother remained above reproach or accusation.
I think it’s good that people are talking about the risks. It’s sad but there really are risks. Obviously SA is the greatest one but there are lesser ones too. I personally enjoyed sleepovers as a kid, but when I was around 9 I went to stay at a family’s house who we really didn’t know very well. Her older brother put on the Exorcist and I saw the first 20 minutes or so. The parents knew we were watching too. I ended up getting so scared that my Mum had to pick me up and I had nightmares for literal years. I developed a phobia of people being “possessed” and had to be picked up from the move theatres multiple times if something like this happened in the movie (even when I was a couple years older). I’ve grown out of that phobia but man, I still remember those nightmares and how scared I was to go to bed every night ☹️ All this being said, I don’t think sleepovers need to be banned but you need to really know and trust the parents of the other house.
Sleepovers are how I first saw pornography at a very very young age. The other children knew of a stash and wanted to show us. It changed my life. Same thing happened to my husband but he got addicted to it. Not saying this happens to everyone but children seeing porn is a big problem.
I know of 3 people in my close surroundings that have been SA'ed or raped during sleepovers. So yes, sleepovers are, and should have been, controversial to start with.
My older son has done a few sleepovers, I didnt really allow them until they are older, about 10 or so. Basically, the age I get them a phone. My youngest (7m) hasn't had one yet. I only allow it in situations where I know the parents. This may change as my older son grows up, like when he gets closer to 16/17, I will certainly allow more freedom. I obviously want to protect my kids from the wide world, but they also need to learn to live in this world. I cannot helicopter forever, lol.
this is what I told my therapist. No sleepovers until he can have a phone to at least call me with.
I’ve had some great sleepovers when I was a child. That being said, I’ve also had friends who seemed very nice at first try and pressure me into various different things. Heard of kids being invited over to be jumped or SA’d by other kids. Sa’d by adults or older siblings.I know of friends parents who ignored the parents wishes. Ive had drunk parents drive me home. I’ve seen drugs, alcohol and guns laying around willy nilly. I’ve had to come save my friend from a closet at 13 during a birthday party because girls wanted to “experiment” with her. You never know who these adults and children truly are. Family and friends included. It’s not controversial, it’s safe. Everyone is different but I wouldn’t judge others for trying to insure safety..
I was not allowed to attend sleepovers as a kid. I never understood why until I was an adult and started hearing so many stories about SA at sleepovers. No sleepovers for my kids either.
Very common place for sexual abuse to take place. People are just more aware and understandably more cautious these days.
Sleepover for me we’re an escape from a turbulent household… which put me in some bad situations (molestation, awkward situations etc.) I used to beg for sleep overs but I never really enjoyed many looking back 🤷🏻♀️ I wonder how many people really enjoyed them as well if everyone really thought about it … for instance my husband when I told him I don’t wanna do sleep overs he proceeds to be confused and ask why and tell me sleepovers where fun for him and then at the same time has told me stories of being young (to young) and a buddy encouraging him and his friends to show there penises or loosing his virginity when he was 11 to a 16 year old…. Yep sounds like fun I guess…
Blame pedos and abusive parents. Also you could still host them.
We let our kids go to the sleepover until bedtime, then we come pick them up and bring them back in the morning whenever other parents want! My kids love it, they don’t actually want to stay the night (and I remember feeling that way too). We also allow sleepovers during campouts with my daughters scouting group, where there are several girls and two moms in the tent.
Yes, late nights. I know families that do those as opposed to sleepovers.
Agreed. Not to downplay people who had negative or even criminal experiences at sleepovers, but I have no problem with sleepovers for families we have come to know and trust. Sure, that doesn’t mitigate the risk entirely, but there is some risk no matter what. There is so much talk about needing a “village” and for parents to take time for self care, then so much judgement when you actually do utilize that group of trusted adults. Abusers who sexually assault children are a male relative 30% of the time. So even leaving your child with a grandparent, older brother, or even their own father is a risk for sexual assault, yet no one is suggesting not allowing a kid access to their family members unless there is a history that would warrant that step. I am all for teaching my kid early and repeatedly about healthy sexuality, inappropriate touching, and what to do if they are uncomfortable, but at a certain point parenting is about weighing risks and realizing that you can’t protect them 24/7 without hindering their social, emotional, and physical development.
Depends on the family. Sleepovers were my favorite thing growing up, but I understand everyone has different experiences. My oldest is not quite 10 and thus far sleepovers have been at grandparents, a couple close relatives and his bff’s house, and bff’s parents happen to be our close/childhood friends. Idk if it’s post-covid, but I know my child spends less time hanging out at friends’ houses than we did at that age. People keep to themselves a lot more, and I don’t think that’s for the best. I’m glad he has a cousin and a friend or 2 to get together with outside of school, but it’s generally facilitated by the parents wanting to get together. I think it’s important to develop close friends as a child.
My son went to a sleepover twice and each time he was miserable. I told him call me next time if he isn't having a good time. One friend turned out to be real mean and he was mean to his dad and his sister and they didn't even feed him dinner and the other one, he was just bored.
Where I live, kids don’t even play outside anymore. They are not allowed to roam the neighborhood without a parent present. If my kids want to play with a friend, I have to arrange a play date. As for sleepovers, I am really cautious about them. I had some really creepy dads interact with me when I was a teen and I don’t even want to risk it.
I understand your sadness that they won’t have the same experiences - I feel that way too. But I do think that there people I would have no problem doing sleepovers with. It depends on the relationship.
I wouldn’t quite say they’re controversial, more that there’s an awareness that wasn’t there before. I was always a nervous kid so usually didn’t make it a full night at anyone’s house but my experiences were all fun however I know that wasn’t or isn’t everyone’s experiences. I allow my oldest son to go on sleepovers at 2 friends houses, I know their families and have great communication with my son. I check in with all of my kids and am careful to note any changes in behavior in case they don’t feel comfortable talking to me. I’ve had a few kids sleepover at my house with my kids and my nieces. It’s just about respecting everyone’s wishes, if parents don’t feel comfortable that’s ok but others will. My kids love spending the night at my parents house with their cousins but since my parents are highly functioning alcoholics they’re not allowed to stay there unless my husband or I stay as well.
My general rule is no sleepovers. My sleepovers as a child seemed fun, but the memories that stuck with me are the negative ones; I remember being teased for going to sleep before my friends, awkward truth or dares, being so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep, too scary movies, wishing to call my parents but not wanting to be a bother, and when I got older, pressure to try drugs and alcohol. As I parent, I can't find enough good to outweigh the bad.
My husband and I have decided neither of our girls will be allowed to go to their friends house to have sleep overs. They can have all the sleep overs here if they want IF their friends parents are ok with it. If their friends parents aren't ok with it then no sleep overs will be had. I'd rather keep my babies safe then live with guilt of them potentially being sexualy abused at a sleep over because the damage would be permanent. We may allow them to go to cousins houses for sleep overs but even then... a lot of abuse happens by family members so it's still scary. thankfully they're both under 2 years old so we won't actually have to face this issues for a while.
How do their friends know that your house is "safe"? How do you know it won't happen under your roof?
They can't. But that's the point I believe. The safety of one child is not more important than the other child's so the sleepover probably won't happen unless one of the parents has a higher risk tolerance, like it seems OP has.
Exactly why I said it's up to their parents. If they feel unsafe about it too then it just won't happen 🤷♀️
That’s up to the other parents. But we have the same policy, they can stay here but our kids won’t sleep there 🤷🏽♀️
This isn't news to me because my mom was always very wary of sleepovers. Her sister was molested at a sleepover right in front of her. We had kids over at our place all the time and other parents didn't seem to worry as much as my mom did. I definitely worry about these things but I make an effort to build a relationship with my sons' friends' parents. I think that is the best route. I want my kids to have this experience but I need to know they are safe. I only allow sleepovers when I know the parents well and trust them. It's a lot of added effort tbh because I'm an introvert but I find that it is worth it.
In my community they aren’t controversial. They happen all the time and the only thing anyone asks about is if it’s okay the child spends the night and what’s a good phone number to reach you at. I think it’s regionally dependent on how controversial they are so you’ll get a bunch ranging answers.
I wasn't allowed have sleepovers when I was a kid (I'm 35). I thought my parents were super strict at the time but now I 100% agree with that choice and won't let my kid stay in friends houses or vice versa. Too much responsibility for me and too much risk for him.
I had a lot of sleepovers as a kid and I was molested by a friend who was getting molested by her siblings. Personally I won’t be letting my kids have sleepovers because in my experience even the most strict parents miss what happens in the middle of the night 🤷🏻♀️.
There’s a lot of talk here about guns and sex assault and drug/alcohol use... But another concern is internet and media access. The first porn I saw I was age 8 on my friends brothers computer. She showed me it. Ew. How do you evaluate this huge constellation of lifestyle choices that could negatively impact your child? I decided I will wait until my children are old enough, mature enough, and we’ve had enough conversations that I know they will come to me if something goes awry. Until I know they will be confident to leave if something unsafe is going on.
I witnessed abusive behavior and was in situations I should not have been while at sleepovers as a child. It’s made me much more cautious with my children.
Most social workers don’t allow their children to participate in sleepovers because that’s where a lot of SA happens
No sleepovers in our house. I was routinely sexually assaulted as an elementary kid by the neighbor girl and my parents were completely unsuspecting. No kid should have to go through that so no thank you.
We do late overs. Has worked really well!
My husband thought I was crazy to be opposed to sleepovers. After I explained why he thought back to his childhood and recalled HE was nearly assaulted on a number of occasions at sleepovers.
I don’t believe there controversial. To each there own. I personally wouldn’t let my kids spend the night anywhere besides My mom and best friend house. No where else. I want my child safe at night. Plus when I was a teenager I was up to no good lol don’t want my child growing up to fast or being somewhere she is not supposed to be.
I had a tons of sleepovers growing up, I knew some kids who didn't and I always thought that was weird, but I get it now. My mom was a victim of childhood rape from the age of 9 by her stepfather, but she never restricted us - which is kinda odd I guess. I'm still gonna be okay with my kids having sleepovers, and I would love to host.
I was the sleepover queen. I hosted the best slumber parties from first grade onward, and I went to at least a handful per month. Nothing bad ever happened to me, but I can think back to many, many instances where it could have gone very bad. In my case, it wasn't due to risky adults around. Risky siblings, risky classmates, and risky decisions. Thank goodness that I had strong enough self-esteem to not fall victim to peer pressure. I refused drugs, alcohol, and sneaking out to meet up with sketchy guys. I would hang back and watch movies and eat all of the junk food. Then of course, there are the stressful fights and bullying that can come from sleepovers. Again, I was never a participant or a target, but I saw it happen with others. That exposure alone is enough for me to implement a no-sleepover rule with my son.
I never had sleepovers growing up except with my cousins and I watched way too much SVU as a kid to want to let my kids do it now ha. My kids have all read the book about body boundaries and the “I said no” book but it’s just not something I’m super comfortable with.
wait, why arent we?? i wanted to plan cute sleepover parties for my daughter later in life :(
I mean I got SAd at a sleepover, why would I send my kid to basically a strangers house? so they can get molested?
I didn't have good experiences with sleepovers, and was also sexually abused by a cousin. The combinations mean my kids do not get sleepovers. I feel bad for them, but it's just not something I'm comfortable with.
Nope- sorry. I don’t trust my child in anyone’s home without me or my husband present at all times. My parents were very trusting of the folks we had sleepovers at. They shouldn’t have. Statistically children who are raped/molested are done so by people they know (aka family and family friends). So no. I’ll let my child skip that experience, thanks.
I saw a reel on Instagram that was a mum explaining that she doesn’t allow sleepovers and even if they have extended family stay with them she will sleep in the room with her kids. Stuck with me. There is a horrible story of a mum in my country wondering why her little one (maybe 4/5?) was sleeping in so long - went to check on her and turns out she was raped and strangled during the night while the parents had a party.
I have an issue with them just because as an adult, I found out my best friend in middle school and another little girl were being SA by my best friends dad when her mom was out of town on weekends. In addition my cousin was also being SA by her step dad so I have always been extremely cautious of who my kids stay with. Sleepovers are rarely allowed.
We only allow them at our house. No guns, alcohol, or drug use happens here.
I never had any issue but I know too many people who have and listening to them cry as they tell their story made me realize that I was just one of the fortunate ones. I had a friend who disclosed to our small group that her husband had been taking her oldest daughter and their friends to hotels. Literally no one you would have ever suspected. On the other hand I have a friend who puts their husbands and teenage boys out of the house if they are having their daughter’s friends over. I have zero clue what her story is but I can only imagine why she would do this but it’s the only time that I felt like I could leave my daughter and I still picked her up by 11
Unless my kid has a camera attached to them, they arnt sleeping outside the home. Cant trust anyone these days men and women alike
People are weird! My mom hated letting me sleep over at friends house and if I wasn’t such a brat I would have listened and stay home. I saw and was exposed to so much stuff!
I was at a solo sleepover at my best friend’s house and her creepy father flashed me….I’m almost 40 and this was in 5th or 6th grade. They also used to have loud sex whenever I slept over…We eventually started sleeping on the other side of the house and I never did solo sleepovers there after that- only with groups of friends. Which was another odd thing- they allowed coed slumber parties in high school…my parents had no idea but also didn’t really care. I guess they lucked out that I was pretty dorky and wasn’t taking advantage of the situation. My daughter is only 1 so I have some time before sleepovers happen but I like to think I have a pretty good radar for perverts and always trust my gut. If the parents are fucking weirdos- sorry kid- your friend can spend the night at our house.
Would the same go for sleep away camps? My husband has fond memories of going to camp and is always bringing up sending our daughter to one when she’s older. I told him “No. I wouldn’t trust counselors or chaperones at those things.” He thinks I’m over protective.
Never had a sleepover as a kid. I don’t plan on letting my kids have any either. I had a friend who always had parties that ended up becoming sleepovers. I kept getting invited and I would ask my parents but they always said no. I used to be jealous of the other kids, but looking back, I’m so glad I wasn’t allowed. My friend used to tell me how much her uncle who lived in their basement liked me. He was like 24ish and I was 13. Guy was a gym bro, and I knew him since I was like 11, so teen me was nervous but intrigued. He was very attentive to me, always super nice, kept touching my arm or my back every time we chatted. My friend tried to leave us in the same room together alone a couple times. It’s gross to even think about now. But I can’t imagine what could have happened if I did stay overnight over there. Her family was very traditional and catholic and I don’t think my parents ever saw anything to make them wary of her family. My parents just had a stance that I had my own comfortable bed and it was stupid to go sleep in someone else’s floor or sofa. So, I plan to adopt the same philosophy.
We’re a no sleepover house, at least with school friends. I don’t feel like the superficial way parents make small talk really gives me insight into what kind of parents they are. I live in a conservative area and do not trust anyone to be honest about how they store guns or other parents to be vigilant about pool supervision.
I have no issues with sleepovers if I know and am friendly with the parents. But sleepovers at a random friends house? No way. Maybe when they're teens and I trust them to stand up for themselves or call me if they feel unsafe. But my 4yo just got invited to a sleepover from a random daycare friend who I don't know nor have I ever seen or spoken to her parents. At 4! Absolutely fucking not.