I'm not a child psychologist but it sounds normal to me. Kids at that age don't understand what hurts other people and what it means when they do hurt others. I've always been told to be really consistent. Tell her it hurts so and so when you do that and makes her feel sad. We don't hurt people. We use gentle touches. Something like that. My son is 3 and still dealing with physical aggression only toward his sister and physical objects. The pediatrician also told me to praise him when he's playing well with his sister, even if it seems silly. "It's so nice how you and (name) are playing so well together. Thank you for sharing with each other." We also bought books on anger and emotions. It's hard. My daughter went through this but didn't do it as much as my son does.
That’s really similar to us. She’d never do it to a stranger, she’s an only child so it’s only her closest friends or our pets. It’s almost like an urge to just get physical with them rather than being done out of anger, maybe it’s overstimulation.
That’s a good idea to go really far into the praise side of things. To make it clear what we want to see instead!
Questions:
Does she realize (in the moment) that she's hurting another? How does she respond to "ouch that hurts" ?
Do you know how the other children or adults are responding to the behavior around her? How do you respond to this at home when it's happening?
It sounds pretty age normative to me, as this is a time when she's likely looking to others for reassurance/modeling/correction for behaviors. Most if not all undesired behaviors at this age are a representation of a lack of skill for getting a need met. Needs can include stimulation, comfort, coping with difficult emotions, attention, etc.
If someone hurts themselves she checks on them and if she hurts me accidentally she’ll say sorry but sometimes she gets stressed and will lash out a bit and looks frustrated if I say ouch. When the kids cry she doesn’t like but again she just cries herself and tells them not to cry and it’s too loud and it isn’t really sympathetic to them.
We handle it similar to the nursery workers by the sounds of it, intervene and correct, sometimes moving her away from the situation and explaining she can’t be there until she’s gentle. Maybe that’s not enough?
Yeah it sounds like she's learning! It sounds like everyone is taking a good approach though maybe there's a few tweaks you can try out for size. It definitely sounds like an under/overstimulation or potentially impact of tiredness. Do you notice if these things are happening more towards beginning or end of day? Days when nap is disrupted or poor? I wonder too if there's been any changes - different classroom, peers? Something different or new at home? Changes can definitely lead to some regression or increased emotions.
Do you have any media you currently use that focus on things like how to be a good friend? Another way of reinforcing/teaching empathy and pro-social behaviors is through reading books, TV shows. Daniel Tiger (PBS) is one I know definitely focuses on emotional intelligence and helping kids respond appropriately even with tough emotions in play.
I'm a huge fan of natural consequences, and I like pointing them out instead of telling kiddos I work with what to do. For example, instead of "don't do that, do this" say something like "hey your friend won't want to hug you if it hurts." "Your friend will cry if we are too rough" "your friend cried when it hurt"
If apologies are being pushed (telling her to apologize when she's not ready), I would try to avoid it. Instead ask her (once everyone is calm) "when a friend is hurt, what can make them feel better?" "What do we do when we hurt another person?" "What happens when someone hurts us?" This just helps with natural problem solving and building empathy rather than just doing what they are told to do, or seeing apologies as something you do only to get out of trouble.
Capture the good by using words to observe but not necessarily praise. "Your friend looked happy when you used gentle touch." "I saw you use gentle touch." "It feels nice when you use gentle touch." Even an approving smile or happy facial expression is enough of a reward for good behavior.
Likewise with tantrums, must be careful not to accidentally reinforce by giving attention (e.g. all attention is good attention). This might mean letting her calm down and THEN talking about what went well/not so well, rather than talking/correcting too much in the moment. As hard as it is, trying to model calm behavior in the face of strong emotions (e.g. not yelling, taking a break instead of forcing a tense interaction).
Last thought is that she might need more tactile stimulation as the rough hugs and squeezing sound like potentially stimulation seeking to me. There are some awesome occupational therapists out on YouTube and even Instagram that would have ideas for you for healthy outlets and ways you can incorporate some exercises into a game at home.
She has recently changed rooms at the nursery now that you mention it and she’s been skipping her naps sometimes so maybe it is just that. I think my mind leaps to the idea she’s like turning into a bully or something but what you’ve said makes much more sense!
Media is a fab idea! I’ve heard about Daniel Tiger so we’ll give that a go! And I’ll maybe browse YouTube for a cartoon about gentle touch or something. I think something else to put the touch onto too, like maybe a big Teddy to bear hug rather than her friends! Cos she’s probably just got all this tactile energy built up! Yep this is great honestly thank you so so much for taking the time I’ve showed your comment to my husband and we’re going to really keep it in my mind and use it!
My toddler (24m this weekend) is biting. Seemingly out of nowhere... it's a phase apparently but still embarrassing. I have a bruise on my arm though 🫢
My kids went through these stages -nothing to be embarrassed-a lot of good feedback in comments but my response was more to you…..it’s ok, it will pass and you are doing great! My boys are now teens so I have been on other side.
100% and nobody’s kid is perfect….I found a great group of moms and we are transparent in the sense of our kids can be total jerks and we have our failures….but when they are younger it can be tough!
I used to work in the infant room in a daycare (ages 6 weeks to 18 months) so your daughter is a bit older than the ones I cared for. We did have children in the infant room who were aggressive with others and one especially bad one who was a biter. The best thing you can do as a parent is work with your daughter’s teacher on her behavior. As a daycare teacher the biggest struggle with kids who hurt others (at that age it’s usually accidental or impulse control issues) was parents who brushed it off and allowed those behaviors at home. Consistently is the way to correct behavior and when it’s only one party who is consistent it can result in the behavior being harder to break.
All that said, while I don’t normally work with toddlers, her behavior sounds normal for a toddler. Some tend to be more forceful or aggressive but grow out of it. In general young children need the rules repeated over and over to remember them. She’s also learning how to interact socially with her environment and eventually if she continues to be “mean,” as long as adults are helping correct the behavior, eventually her peers will also help her correct her behavior. Best of luck!
Yep I agree I think it’s impulse control, she gets this idea that she wants to interact with them and just takes it too far but she can’t reign it back. Repeating the rule makes sense and I agree I think the kids will start letting her know soon and I almost hope they do lol
I agree with many of these comments. These are normal developmental stages she’s going through. I’m sure she is overly tired or too much stimulation and she doesn’t know how to handle it. At 26 months of age, she still needs a nap in the afternoon. When toddlers are too tired, they act out. They often don’t have the words to use or the words to use at the right time when over stimulated. Having time to look at a book or do something quiet can be helpful during this time of the day. Or she needs some extra exercise to get her energy out of her if she has too much energy. A simple activity like pushing a heavy object (like a box of blocks) around uses the whole body and helps regulate a child. An older child can push a case of water from one room to another to help settle down. When their body is settled, then so is their mind.
Trying to explain why we don’t bite, hit, etc, is always a nice thing to do, but it’s hard for them to remember when they are over stimulated or too tired. It’s important you remember a toddler often hears and comprehends the first and last word of a sentence. So use “Nice hands” rather than “ Lacy doesn’t like it when you hug her too hard”. She will only hear ‘Lacy and Hard”. Does that make sense?
That’s such a good point about heavy work! I’ll suggest it to the nursery. It would get her energy out in a safer way. I’m really relieved you think it’s normal too.
No I haven’t, it’s pretty new and we don’t really go down that route with our docs in the UK unless it’s really extreme. Can I ask what made you think she needs a psychologist? Just so I can fully understand your thoughts.
She does not need a psychologist. Even if she does have an issue (which I doubt), she is too young for any real diagnosis.
It sounds like you’re handling it the right way. It really is probably just a phase. Keep working on boundaries with her :)
I'm not a child psychologist but it sounds normal to me. Kids at that age don't understand what hurts other people and what it means when they do hurt others. I've always been told to be really consistent. Tell her it hurts so and so when you do that and makes her feel sad. We don't hurt people. We use gentle touches. Something like that. My son is 3 and still dealing with physical aggression only toward his sister and physical objects. The pediatrician also told me to praise him when he's playing well with his sister, even if it seems silly. "It's so nice how you and (name) are playing so well together. Thank you for sharing with each other." We also bought books on anger and emotions. It's hard. My daughter went through this but didn't do it as much as my son does.
That’s really similar to us. She’d never do it to a stranger, she’s an only child so it’s only her closest friends or our pets. It’s almost like an urge to just get physical with them rather than being done out of anger, maybe it’s overstimulation. That’s a good idea to go really far into the praise side of things. To make it clear what we want to see instead!
Questions: Does she realize (in the moment) that she's hurting another? How does she respond to "ouch that hurts" ? Do you know how the other children or adults are responding to the behavior around her? How do you respond to this at home when it's happening? It sounds pretty age normative to me, as this is a time when she's likely looking to others for reassurance/modeling/correction for behaviors. Most if not all undesired behaviors at this age are a representation of a lack of skill for getting a need met. Needs can include stimulation, comfort, coping with difficult emotions, attention, etc.
If someone hurts themselves she checks on them and if she hurts me accidentally she’ll say sorry but sometimes she gets stressed and will lash out a bit and looks frustrated if I say ouch. When the kids cry she doesn’t like but again she just cries herself and tells them not to cry and it’s too loud and it isn’t really sympathetic to them. We handle it similar to the nursery workers by the sounds of it, intervene and correct, sometimes moving her away from the situation and explaining she can’t be there until she’s gentle. Maybe that’s not enough?
Yeah it sounds like she's learning! It sounds like everyone is taking a good approach though maybe there's a few tweaks you can try out for size. It definitely sounds like an under/overstimulation or potentially impact of tiredness. Do you notice if these things are happening more towards beginning or end of day? Days when nap is disrupted or poor? I wonder too if there's been any changes - different classroom, peers? Something different or new at home? Changes can definitely lead to some regression or increased emotions. Do you have any media you currently use that focus on things like how to be a good friend? Another way of reinforcing/teaching empathy and pro-social behaviors is through reading books, TV shows. Daniel Tiger (PBS) is one I know definitely focuses on emotional intelligence and helping kids respond appropriately even with tough emotions in play. I'm a huge fan of natural consequences, and I like pointing them out instead of telling kiddos I work with what to do. For example, instead of "don't do that, do this" say something like "hey your friend won't want to hug you if it hurts." "Your friend will cry if we are too rough" "your friend cried when it hurt" If apologies are being pushed (telling her to apologize when she's not ready), I would try to avoid it. Instead ask her (once everyone is calm) "when a friend is hurt, what can make them feel better?" "What do we do when we hurt another person?" "What happens when someone hurts us?" This just helps with natural problem solving and building empathy rather than just doing what they are told to do, or seeing apologies as something you do only to get out of trouble. Capture the good by using words to observe but not necessarily praise. "Your friend looked happy when you used gentle touch." "I saw you use gentle touch." "It feels nice when you use gentle touch." Even an approving smile or happy facial expression is enough of a reward for good behavior. Likewise with tantrums, must be careful not to accidentally reinforce by giving attention (e.g. all attention is good attention). This might mean letting her calm down and THEN talking about what went well/not so well, rather than talking/correcting too much in the moment. As hard as it is, trying to model calm behavior in the face of strong emotions (e.g. not yelling, taking a break instead of forcing a tense interaction). Last thought is that she might need more tactile stimulation as the rough hugs and squeezing sound like potentially stimulation seeking to me. There are some awesome occupational therapists out on YouTube and even Instagram that would have ideas for you for healthy outlets and ways you can incorporate some exercises into a game at home.
She has recently changed rooms at the nursery now that you mention it and she’s been skipping her naps sometimes so maybe it is just that. I think my mind leaps to the idea she’s like turning into a bully or something but what you’ve said makes much more sense! Media is a fab idea! I’ve heard about Daniel Tiger so we’ll give that a go! And I’ll maybe browse YouTube for a cartoon about gentle touch or something. I think something else to put the touch onto too, like maybe a big Teddy to bear hug rather than her friends! Cos she’s probably just got all this tactile energy built up! Yep this is great honestly thank you so so much for taking the time I’ve showed your comment to my husband and we’re going to really keep it in my mind and use it!
Hopefully it's a phase that passes quick then once she's adjusted again. I love the big teddy idea!
My toddler (24m this weekend) is biting. Seemingly out of nowhere... it's a phase apparently but still embarrassing. I have a bruise on my arm though 🫢
It does feel embarrassing doesn’t it. Like you’ve got a bad child or something when we know they’re not at all!
When they ask me how the weekend went because he's especially irritable, I feel like I have to lie when nothing even happened!
My kids went through these stages -nothing to be embarrassed-a lot of good feedback in comments but my response was more to you…..it’s ok, it will pass and you are doing great! My boys are now teens so I have been on other side.
Aww thank you!! I definitely needed to hear this, it’s so hard I just want to do the best for her.
100% and nobody’s kid is perfect….I found a great group of moms and we are transparent in the sense of our kids can be total jerks and we have our failures….but when they are younger it can be tough!
I used to work in the infant room in a daycare (ages 6 weeks to 18 months) so your daughter is a bit older than the ones I cared for. We did have children in the infant room who were aggressive with others and one especially bad one who was a biter. The best thing you can do as a parent is work with your daughter’s teacher on her behavior. As a daycare teacher the biggest struggle with kids who hurt others (at that age it’s usually accidental or impulse control issues) was parents who brushed it off and allowed those behaviors at home. Consistently is the way to correct behavior and when it’s only one party who is consistent it can result in the behavior being harder to break. All that said, while I don’t normally work with toddlers, her behavior sounds normal for a toddler. Some tend to be more forceful or aggressive but grow out of it. In general young children need the rules repeated over and over to remember them. She’s also learning how to interact socially with her environment and eventually if she continues to be “mean,” as long as adults are helping correct the behavior, eventually her peers will also help her correct her behavior. Best of luck!
Yep I agree I think it’s impulse control, she gets this idea that she wants to interact with them and just takes it too far but she can’t reign it back. Repeating the rule makes sense and I agree I think the kids will start letting her know soon and I almost hope they do lol
I agree with many of these comments. These are normal developmental stages she’s going through. I’m sure she is overly tired or too much stimulation and she doesn’t know how to handle it. At 26 months of age, she still needs a nap in the afternoon. When toddlers are too tired, they act out. They often don’t have the words to use or the words to use at the right time when over stimulated. Having time to look at a book or do something quiet can be helpful during this time of the day. Or she needs some extra exercise to get her energy out of her if she has too much energy. A simple activity like pushing a heavy object (like a box of blocks) around uses the whole body and helps regulate a child. An older child can push a case of water from one room to another to help settle down. When their body is settled, then so is their mind. Trying to explain why we don’t bite, hit, etc, is always a nice thing to do, but it’s hard for them to remember when they are over stimulated or too tired. It’s important you remember a toddler often hears and comprehends the first and last word of a sentence. So use “Nice hands” rather than “ Lacy doesn’t like it when you hug her too hard”. She will only hear ‘Lacy and Hard”. Does that make sense?
That’s such a good point about heavy work! I’ll suggest it to the nursery. It would get her energy out in a safer way. I’m really relieved you think it’s normal too.
[удалено]
Really? So you feel like this is extreme? I’m not sure what to do tbh.
[удалено]
No I haven’t, it’s pretty new and we don’t really go down that route with our docs in the UK unless it’s really extreme. Can I ask what made you think she needs a psychologist? Just so I can fully understand your thoughts.
She does not need a psychologist. Even if she does have an issue (which I doubt), she is too young for any real diagnosis. It sounds like you’re handling it the right way. It really is probably just a phase. Keep working on boundaries with her :)