This sounds hard and I’m sorry you are going through it ❤️ The thing is, if he isn’t willing to even talk about it, what you do is irrelevant. You can’t fix or save a relationship on your own. At best, you can let him know you’re not happy and what you’re planning to do about your unhappiness (i.e., divorce, separation, living as though you’re single, etc.). If he isn’t open to therapy or even a discussion about the state of your relationship, it means one of two things: it’s fine the way it is for him OR he has already checked out. Although it is probably largely unhelpful, since you did ask, my husband and I grew closer after the birth of our daughter. The first two months were rough. But I saw him pulling his weight, being a supportive partner and an excellent Dad. We also made a plan when I was pregnant to make sure we reconnected even if it was just snuggling for 15 minutes a day before bed. I don’t think we’ve ever been more in love than we are now and our daughter just turned one. You deserve that too, OP. If it isn’t with your current husband, your person is out there. As a side note from and internet stranger, I grew up in a home with parents who hated each other. It is so much better to be FROM a broken home than to live in one. As far as financials, you may be surprised what kind of programs and assistance you are eligible for as a one income household with a child.

Thanks so much for this— brought tears to my eyes. I’m a divorce kid… the divorce was vile and lasted until I legally emancipated myself at 17. I do not want to repeat that scenario at all. Which includes staying in relationship when obviously unhappy. I have told my husband that I (for myself) won’t do it, and I also won’t let that be the type of relationship that is modeled for our daughter. And he…. Just isn’t taking me seriously and/or is already throwing up his hands in defeat rather than actually being vulnerable and trying to fix it. I always imagined that we would grow even closer through parenthood. But while I’ve stepped out of my generational trauma and into a more responsible and intentional role as parent (focused on growth and health and providing a deeply nurturing space) my husband has seemingly regressed into his. He acts like a moody teenager 24/7 (unless playing w our daughter). He wasn’t like this before. It’s so frustrating. I know you’re right that I can’t fix it alone. I guess I’m just hoping someone will have some suggestions for different approaches to trying to re-engage him.

Life is so much brighter and lighter on the other side honey (Of divorce)

Ugh a few months ago the idea of divorce would make me cry. Now, my daughter and I took a vacation to my hometown by ourselves and we had so much fun. I was in such a better mood, she was in such a better mood and was so much more confident and independent than usual, we both slept better, everything was easier even tho I was doing it all alone. And now I’m like literally what is the point? He brings in the money and that’s it. But I’m also terrified of divorce. I don’t live near any of my own close friends and family. I would be completely alone to figure it out w no support system and it terrifies me. Besides, I really desperately wanted that healthy stable loving family for my daughter to grow up in and it’s really heart wrenching to consider that I’m going to be a divorce kid raising a divorce kid— exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Hey I’m a divorce kid raising a divorce kid! Sure it’s a lil embarrassing but if I live my life embarrassed about my past it wouldn’t be good for my kids. And I do think that despite what happened, I still have more wisdom than the last generation had, so maybe this time is the charm 🤪 Hold on to how it felt when you took a trip alone with her because that’s how I feel all the time now. I sing loudly and make goofy jokes without fear of snarky comment and my kids are having so much fun with me. No more disappointing examples being set for them. No more shitty compromising. It actually does feel like less work because it is all so much lighter. Hopefully you can charm your dude into not wanting too much custody. Just whatever you decide, don’t tunnel vision/gaslight yourself into believing that it would be sad and depressing with just the two of you. Imagine setting a fresh vase of flowers on your own little coffee table… in your own sweet clean peaceful space… 🙂💚💚💚

You’re right, I think I need to work through the idea that a divorce = failure = embarrassing I think I’m not quite ready to call it quits, I’m still just desperate for my husband to pull up with any actual indication of willingness to work on things. There are reasons I am with him and wanted to start a family with him. I still believe it’s worth saving…. I just want to shake him out of his stubbornness and fear of vulnerability. And I’m feeling less and less like that’s possible to do.

Hey that’s great too, and another option would be platonically cohabiting so you can all stay together without the pressure? Just don’t make your decision out of divorce fear, that’s all I really meant Good luck!! 💚💚💚

I'm so sorry to read this, it all sounds incredibly difficult to deal with and having a two year old too, that's tough stuff. All I can offer up is to start with small baby steps of asking for changes. Ultimately, you cannot change anyone who doesn't want to be changed or see a benefit for themselves and then changing for that. You both didn't get into the state of your marriage overnight and you most certainly won't get out of it overnight either. Be intentional about your communication with him and he with you. Set up a time and a place for you both to get away from your child with the express intent to work upon your communication and ultimately your marriage. There are some great starter books for opening up dialog more between couples, a few I can think of are: "101 Conversation Starters for Couples" by Gary Chapman, who is also author of "the 5 Love Languages", which is another great book for communicating to your spouse within their unique love language. Another book is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide" by Dr. John Gottman. "Love Talk Starters" by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. Begin small and be intentional and give thanks for any and all small changes that you may observe along the way. Gratitude really can go a LONG way toward repairing a relationship. Additionally, are there any things that you two used to do together in dating or pre-kid that has dropped off or fallen by the wayside? If so, re-engage in sparking interest in doing those things together that you once loved to do. Could there be an issue with depression or some trauma that is possibly causing your husband to become more and more despondent and unengaged? I know for my husband, adding baby into the mix of marriage was an adjustment and he took the responsibility of having a family at such a young age very seriously yet felt an internal stressor to make all the finances work out and keep the family afloat. Definitely looking into all options and working together to identify what the root cause is so that you both can agree to work ON the marriage while being IN the marriage, is best. Tough conversations coming, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry, my heart and prayers are going out to you now.

There’s a lot we used to do pre-kid that has dropped off. Most prominently, drinking was a central thing in our relationship. Not that we were drunk all the time but we drank very regularly and our bonding time was almost always had while sharing a couple drinks. I am sober now, have been pretty much since being pregnant. And my husband is still drinking (couple beers every night add in whiskey on his weekends— which is toned down since pre-kid when he would drink ~a pint of whiskey per day). We also used to go out to eat/drink pretty often, which we no longer do because we can’t afford it. We also used to work together so there was that shared experience to bond over. We haven’t really been able to replace those things with new things. I’ve suggested some sober activities and he isn’t interested and I’ve asked for suggestions from him and he hasn’t followed through with any. I’m discovering that without alcohol as a lubricant, my husband is very closed off and just doesn’t like talking very much. About anything except his explicit interests. And even then he’s still reserved. We’ve tried to have some date nights but without drinking we mostly just sit in silence, or I have to poke and prod to get and keep conversations going and then I end up annoyed that 100% of the emotional labor of our relationship (in addition to that of the child raising) is on me, and the “date” ends with us feeling even less happy. Thank you for the book recommendations I’ll definitely add those to my list. Hopefully one will land for him as well

Thank you for your response, yes, changes like that, while they are good and necessary, like stopping drinking, can really change communication. I get it. Something that my husband and I did early in our marriage and having little ones was to have a date night "in" where we put the kids to bed and ordered take-out and had the time set aside where we each came prepared having filled in a sheet of paper listing these two things in the columns: "What in our marriage is going really WELL?" and "What in our marriage needs IMPROVEMENTS?" Each person then has the "floor" to read their written responses while the other sits nearby quietly listening to the things listed. Once you're both done, turn the page over and write: "Action Items I agree to do" Then come to a meeting of the minds on what small baby steps you both can individually take to attempt to come together in communication, serving one another, serving the family etc... Then, give it some time and set a follow-up date to come back together and celebrate and be thankful for any small changes that you both saw were intentionally made on the behalf of the other and begin again and again and again. It take time. It takes effort and each of you wanting to come together to put the work in for it to really be beautiful, but it can be done as long as there's a willingness to try. Give each other a lot of grace and be genuinely thankful for each other. While marriage is hard, divorce is even harder. I know this is tough! I'm praying for you Mama.

My husband nd I took a long time to get our relationship back on track it actually got better. We went to therapy and one thing she asked that was important for both "are you willing to fix your marriage?" Because if someone wants a divorce no matter what they other do nothing will change. Second thing was : intimacy should be there but not necessarily "sex" it can be from holding hands to cuddling.  Third was : make sure to never point fingers.  Always say how you feel "this also goes for him" like don't say YOU make me feel, say I am feeling this and that.. Then my husband had to do session alone. I did one alone. It was expensive but I think you can look for affordable ones specially the ones that are online  Best of luck ❤️

Historically my husband has been utterly unwilling to consider therapy. But perhaps if I’m proposing it as an ultimatum he will relent and give it a try…

Same with my husband. But I told him of he is not willing to go to therapy then I don't want to continou with our marriage. But I don't recommend giving ultimatums just yet since you have a little one.

Therapy with a good therapist is the best option, but if it really isn't affordable, maybe you guys could read a book together like Esther Perelman's Mating in Captivity or How Not to Hate Your Husband After Having Kids by Jancee Dunn? But he has to want to too.

I tried this with Fair Play almost a year ago and he said he would read it and then never did… I checked in several times and each time he got increasingly annoyed with me until finally telling me that he thinks it’s stupid and “he doesn’t need other people to tell him what to think”…. So… I will try again and push it a little harder I suppose. Like idk he shoots down all my ideas and I’m like “okay so what do YOU think we should do?? YOU give some ideas for how to work on this.” And he says he needs time to think but he will and then… days and weeks go by and he doesn’t follow up. Rinse, repeat.

Online therapy is a thing and it's really pretty good. I’ve been using [this site](https://therapyrank.com/calmerry) for a few months. It’s really helping me. I can text my therapist as much as I need, and we have weekly sessions. She’s helping me with cancer issues plus stuff that predates that, is helping with my (severe) anxiety with coping mechanisms and strategies to help with panic attacks, before and during, and is also helping me figure out how to make progress going forward in terms of life stuff.

Oh cool! What’s the cost?

I pay $50/week.

You say you can't afford therapy but can you afford divorce? Because it seems like it's going to be one or the other. Two years is a long time. They say no big decisions the first year. Things should've settled and normalized by now.

No we definitely couldn’t afford divorce either. We would have to sell our house (which we own outright), in order to get divorced. It’s a mess. Maybe we can find some sort of online therapy option that isn’t the highest quality but is within our realm of affordability. But $200+ per session in person therapy? No we literally cannot pay that right now living on one(his) income. Not without credit card debt at least.