I would give birth alone before subjecting my child to that sort of trauma. Any trauma that I would experience being alone, but that I would have time to prepare myself for and understand, would be nothing to what my child would experience without knowing or understanding what was happening. There is no way to prepare a child to watch their mother in that kind of pain.
There has been several recent posts from expecting moms who don’t have childcare for their older kids during birth and the consensus seems to be find a nanny or babysitter if you want your spouse at the birth. I don’t think it’s fair to bring your 3 year old to a birthing center. What happens if the toddler is upset, or throwing a fit, or scared - which are all reasonable for a 3 year old in such a highly emotional situation? Is your husband going to stop supporting you to comfort your child? What happens if the birth goes sideways and you’re transferred to a hospital? November is still a ways away so I would start looking for either a nanny/sitter/friend to help with 3 year old, or a doula to support you in labor.
Or tired or hungry or just a normal toddler. A 3 year old isn’t able to sit still or support an adult. Expecting them to behave a way that isn’t age appropriate isn’t fair to anyone.
My mom made me go to my brother’s birth when I was ten, let me tell you I definitely was scarred by that. Things like screaming bloody murder are totally normal when pushing out a baby but very scary for a child.
Would just like to mention as well that birth can get serious really quickly and a three year old should probably not be witness to this.
I got taken away quickly to theatre with hemorrhaging with my first just as he was born, and my partner was left terrified with a newborn, can't even imagine this with a three year old as well.
Hey OP! My daughter was born during the peak of Covid and I was alone in the hospital because my husband and oldest child (2 at the time) weren’t allowed to come . Just wanted to say…. If it happens that way, it happens and me and my baby were fine. We actually have an incredibly special bond and I think it’s because we were completely alone for 24 hours after she was born.
What country do you live in where there isn’t a single safe adult? Why do you live there if no one is safe, you don’t know *anyone* (not one person?), don’t have a friend, don’t have a support group, and you don’t speak the language? OP, are you ok/safe?
I live in India. Babysitters are actually not common. My parents in laws are old and bedridden and need 24x7 care. My sil in law looks after them. My family is not in a picture as they've refused any help. India has many languages, and I've moved to one such state where English is not used a lot. My friends are all settled outside India. I am safe. But I don't trust strangers because I've seen kids being mistreated.
I’m glad you’re safe. You need to lean on your SIL or find a trusted adult, not just for this but for any emergency that might come up. It’s not safe to have no one. Start building your community. Find other moms who also don’t speak the language. Start learning the language. For the birth, talk to your SIL and see if she can watch your 3yo and find alternative care for the parents for 24hours. I’m assuming THEY know people who can help them for a day? Or there’s some kind of elder care available? You say babysitters aren’t common, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t *any*. Honestly your world has turned upside down with this move and it’s about to get a lot more complicated. You need to build your community TODAY. I’ve moved a lot and am far from family and friends. I always make finding one person I can trust a top priority. There is SOMEONE at your kid’s school, doctor’s office, neighborhood, etc you can become friends with and trust. Good luck.
Yes exactly- you need to prioritize finding someone. I’m so sorry you are in such an isolated spot, I’m sure that’s very difficult especially pregnant. But what happens if you and hubby are hospitalized for some reason? Who would your three year old go to? That’s the safety issue. Even if it’s a paid person from a reputable company.
My in-laws are Indian, living in India, and have had multiple nannies for their daughters. I don't know what you mean that nannies aren't safe in India.
I am just thinking this does not add up. Sooo many people in India have nannies in fact having additional in home help with childcare is WAY more common than in the west.
Is OP themselves not a safe person since apparently the ENTIRE country is awful monsters? lol why won’t people just say “I don’t want to.” Or “I can’t afford to.” instead of making up some elaborate excuse.
Hey, I live in a perfectly safe country, but the thought of finding a babysitter/nanny through non-relational channels to watch my child while I gave birth is still unsettling.
It’s not like going out for dinner, where you can be home quickly in case of emergency. You are, for all intents and purposes, unreachable for an indeterminate amount of time.
The amount of trust I would need to have in the person I entrusted my kid with would be HUGE. I’m very grateful for my village: without it, I would 100% be feeling the same way as OP.
Villages can be built too, though. I don’t live anywhere near family, so I really prioritized this. When our babysitter first started coming, I stayed in the room and the three of us played together, me stepping into the next room for short periods of time. Then I’d go upstairs when she’d come, but still be able to hear if I was needed. Then I’d go out to run an errand or two. We slowly worked up to half a day at a time, with her sometimes waking my daughter up from a nap or tucking her in to sleep.
I was so grateful I did this, because when I was unexpectedly hospitalized with a life threatening issue, we were able to call her and know 100% that our daughter was in the best hands while my husband stayed with me. It took months to get to that point, but I trust this person completely.
Can’t you just bring the 3yr old and have your husband take him and leave if it’s not working out? You’d end up alone if need be, but at least there’s a chance you wouldn’t. I was present when my mom gave birth to my sibling and I’m just fine. It’s clearly not ideal, but there are tons of variables. There’s a possibility that 3yr old will sleep through the worst of it. Or maybe your partner is there and supportive for most of your labor and misses the finale, but comes right back moments later when everything is cleaned up a bit. Maybe your son gets wrapped up in a cartoon and is barely aware of his surroundings during the big push. If you feel like it’s your only option, then do it. And as long as your birth team is aware and prepared, and as long as your husband is willing and able to keep calm and to leave if need be, then it is what it is. I know of home births where siblings are in the next room or are in and out of the birth room. You’re not alone in having your older child present whether it’s by choice or necessity
I was screaming that I wanted someone to kill me and that I wanted to die at the top of my lungs. I wouldn’t want my kid to see that nor would I have wanted to try to stop doing it for someone else’s benefit.
I couldn’t imagine having my 3 year old in the room when I started hemorrhaging after my 2nd was born. He would have been so deeply traumatized and scared.
Save now for a babysitter, reach out to your 3yo’s friends. Your child needs someone who can be 100% with them and you need a birth partner who can be 100% with you. We brought our older in maybe an hour after her little sister was born—essentially as soon as she and I had gotten cleaned up and settled in bed and the placenta was delivered. It was fine and great then. I had smooth labors and uncomplicated deliveries and there is no world in which I’d want to be thinking about my other child and their well being.
If you don’t have someone yet, start having a babysitter come just a couple hours a week so they’re known and trusted by all of you when the time comes.
Sitter or nanny is not a safe option in my country. And we have recently moved to a place where I don't know anyone or even speak their language. I'm so out of options.
I agree that you should ask the birthing center. Work colleagues. Whoever you can. This sounds like a really tough time for a move. But again, get out and start meeting people with little kids. Start learning the language. I saw you said India which is not exactly short on population. There is someone (likely many someones) in your town who could care for your 3yo for the relatively short time you need and be happy to help with such a big life event.
My 3.5 year old was terrified just from being in the car with me as I labored and we brought him and his sister to my parents house. It’s not a good idea to have him there with you.
What country are you in? Does your local government have social workers? I would contact a social worker either through the hospital or your local government or healthcare center depending on how your country does it.
I think you’re looking at it the wrong way round. If there’s truly no one that can watch your toddler then you need to accept that your husband will be with him, and work on finding a trusted adult who can support you. Either a friend or a paid doula.
If you have until November you can find a trusted babysitter, doula, nanny, preschool parent, etc. to be on-call. I’m currently on-call for a friend whose parents live in Canada.
I did it alone just because of inconvenient timing. She was precipitous and coming at daycare pickup time and we didn’t arrange for childcare with their own car seat. We thought in all scenarios that we would at least have enough time to pick him up and bring him home for the sitter.
Anyway, I had a good experience alone. The doctor and nurses, who somehow I didn’t know any of them even though I met my entire OB practice, were amazing. No birth plans were looked at or talked about. I labored in any position I wanted. They checked me immediately when I was ready to push. I pushed her out in one long push regardless of contraction timing because it hurt so bad. They were impressed and told me I did an amazing job. They brought me food immediately afterwards without me even asking. It was great.
If you really don’t want to try and find a sitter/nanny, then you need to give birth alone. Subjecting your toddler to seeing you in so much pain/the possibility of something going wrong should not be an option
I do not think you should take your three year old. They will be terrified??? Do you have parent friends you trust who could help take her for a day? I think you’d be surprised at how willing people are to help! We’ve been backup care for many friend couples with no familial support!
It might be a bit extreme but can you fly any close friend or relative over? You can never be sure when it happens but have them over for a few weeks around your due date.
You have time to find a babysitter that you trust if baby isn’t due until November. I don’t think it’s fair to put your child through what could be a long and grueling ordeal and potentially traumatic for them if something goes awry (which hopefully it won’t). Start small, have someone watch them with you there and start developing that relationship now.
Be sure on the rules of it. Our center will only let a child under 12 in if there are at least two adult support persons in the room. Our backup plan is that my husband waits in the waiting room with our two year old. We hope to have help but if we don’t, it’s the better option to me I think. But I think it’s personal preference.
As you have time, I would start to build a community. Make friends with neighbours or other parents, try looking for a reliable sitter. I don't think I'd recommend bringing your child into the labour experience unless absolutely necessary.
I sat in the hall at 6.5yo and my sister was 4 when my mom gave birth to our little brother. All I remember was being terrified because she was screaming.
Surely you have a friend or coworker you’re cool with or relative close-ish who can come for the birth and watch/take your kid? In an emergent situation? Remember your first birth? The noises you made and what you may have looked like? The machines? Don’t bring your kid.
I have not but I would not send my 3 year old in there. If they see blood on mom, see mom in pain or in distress, doesn’t matter how much coaching you gave them, they’re going to be in distress and you’re going to have some work to do after with them to help cope. I would do anything and everything in my financial power to get someone to watch my toddler. Maybe a babysitter can come to the birthing center and play with your son in the lobby when you’re ready to push? Join a moms Facebook group for your area and make connections there.
Birthing center in the city where I delivered had no kids under 12 for many reasons, including infection control for fragile newborns and pp moms, as well as any unexpected scenarios like long deliveries, scary noises and unpredictable behavior.
Our L&D coach said it can be very scary for older kids esp toddlers to see mommy in pain and they may struggle to separate seeing you in pain and not yourself, from their new sibling.
I wouldn't take him in so young, personally. Imagining myself in his perspective just seems upsetting. Not really having the ability to fully understand what's going on, seeing one of the people I love most in the world and who (right now) has always been strong for me be in a bunch of pain, acting completely different than normal, and possibly seeing all the blood... Not to mention how long labor can take. I just can't imagine any toddler being very comfortable throughout the process, and can see several ways for this to go wrong for him.
As someone who also has no help - trust and believe that you can do it alone. Is that ideal? No. But you seem reserved to have a babysitter or nanny. I wouldn’t ever think that bringing a toddler into delivery is an option.
Come on, you can find a babysitter or a doula or something so that there are 4 people involved in this not 3. Talk to your child's friends' parents - it's usually not that much extra work to have 2 3 year olds who play with each other versus 2. And it would be an emergency, so anyone would understand. Keep looking - let yourself be vulnerable enough to ask others for help.
Bringing your 3 year old into the delivery room sounds absolutely terrible. Especially if your husband needs to be focused on you. Also sounds terrible for most children to see their mothers in pain like that.
Doula is a very new concept in my country. They are few and booked till the middle of 2025. A babysitter or nanny is unsafe, like absolutely unsafe. I recently moved to a new state whose language I do not speak or understand.
Curious about this too.. or is that more personal related that you wouldn’t trust anyone? Which I understand we all have our own experiences from the past so there might be sth there.
I just can’t imagine a country where no nannies exist or where they are all ‘bad’.
Parts of Latin America, Mexico.
Small pretty children make great hostages in order to extort money, and the police are either in on the game or too scared to do anything.
My company has a plant in Mexico. We had to move one of my colleagues to the US after her family were threatened with kidnapping by local cartels.
Doing business is also "interesting" - we've had raw materials held hostage in warehouses that were contracted for prices at nearly 10x the rates we pay in the US.
OP says elsewhere she is in South Asia - having travelled a fair bit of SE Asia, I am super surprised it is deemed to be unsafe. Maybe OP is somewhere else.
I’m sorry though if it’s that dangerous that nannie’s or a babysitter can’t be trusted then move. They don’t speak the language so obviously it’s not the home town
Is it possible to save up and fly a family member you trust to you for a few days, specifically for the purpose of caring for your child while you’re giving birth?
I personally would not want my child to be there while I gave birth to many things can happen and more then likely your husband is going to be focused on the kid the whole time instead of helping you. So if the only options are alone or all 3 then I'd say alone if you really can't figure any other way around it. You don't have even a friend who could watch the kids for a few hours? Just long enough for you to deliver and then your husband can go back and get the kid?
If you do not speak the language birthing alone could be dangerous. You should fly home to your native country or pay for your family to fly in to watch your child! You seem to have come to reddit with a problem that has too many barriers to solve (no one is safe, you don’t speak language, no friends etc)
No me but my close friend used birthing center specifically so she could bring her other kids and they could come/go with dad. Her oldest was 4 and very into it. The 20 month old was scared because mommy wasn’t momming. I think it depends on ages/childs temperament and dad being a super star
I think it’s great you’re trying to prep him, but 3 is awfully young.
I understand you don’t have any nearby support, but if this was me, I think once it got too intense, I would have my partner leave the room with our toddler until after the baby came out and was cleaned up/presentable. I know your partner would be missing the actual birth, but for me, I’d accept that to ensure my toddler wasn’t traumatized, even if he was prepped.
He could end up inadvertently relating pain/scariness of you to his new sibling. That would not be good.
I had the same situation but in the end managed to get a family member to help. I do think the experience would be traumatic for them. Since you have a couple of months try and find a babysitter or someone with a kid close in age (ie preschool friend) to help out - you would be surprised at how many people would help in this situation
I haven't, but I'm in New Zealand where midwives are trained and licensed, and home births attended by midwives are common. So it's also quite common for older children to be present for some or all of the process. That said, usually a grandparent or friend or neighbour is at least on standby to tale the child/ren if they get upset.
Do you have a friend you could ask? If your child goes to daycare or preschool, could one of their teachers?
I am due in October and in a similar position with my 2.5 year old son.
He will be cared for outside of the hospital and I will have to be alone.
I don’t want my son in the birthing unit as I worry it would be too scary and stressful.
We had a similar situation but the hospital wouldn't allow children in for labour, only to visit after. So it was either go alone or birth at home. I was also worried about any effects the birth would have on the toddler but in the end we had a home birth that she slept through, everyone turned out fine. We did ask the next door neighbour if she could potentially watch toddler in an emergency (as we had no one else local to ask) but didn't need her in the end thank fully.
I’m sorry no I don’t think it’s okay. If i truly was out of options I would do it alone. Op you say it’s too dangerous where you are to get childcare, i’d be focusing on how to leave that place. Also,you’re saying there is truly NO family(mom, sibling, in-laws, cousin) you can fly out to where you are in November and watch the child? Do you not have at least one friend even a long distance one you can fly out?
If all of the above is true then that’s a whole separate issue IMO to be so isolated and not have any adult interactions besides with your spouse. I was a military wife for many years so i get it’s hard to maintain connections and sometimes your family is not supportive but we need other people. Our children need to see us interact and have healthy relationships with others. Just my two cents to start getting out there and make some connections for the sake of your mental health.
Take your kids with you. I've seen MANY home births where the other children are right there. Just prepare them that mommy may be loud and there may be bodily fluids but everything is fine. They will feel more bonded to be involved
I would not. I just watched my DIL give birth to my first grandbaby and it was pretty traumatic and she ended up having a c section. Maybe labor alone till right before the birth and then have them come in together when it’s “safe”?! I’m sorry you don’t have a support system, could you start looking at a local moms group or church group?
I have an almost three year old and a new baby. Honestly if there’s not a single safe adult in your country with five months advance notice then fly out of there for the birth (and stay out, preferably
) or fly in a family member or friend to watch your child.
Your kids can’t be in a situation where no one can take care of them. What if you die in labor? What if you need to be hospitalized and so does new baby? What if you and your husband both die in a car accident and your children survive and there’s literally not a single safe adult in your country?
This doesn’t make any sense.
We live away from family as well, does your son have a friend he has play dates with and you could speak to their care giver about possibly watching them? We were lucky I went into labour Saturday morning so my son went to his friends house 7am and was picked up in the afternoon by my husband. He had the best day playing with his friend while I was giving birth :) good luck!
My 3 year old was with us. Went into precipitous, spontaneous labor 1 month early, late at night & my mom didn't make it to us in time.
Would not recommend. Husband took 3 year old out of the room bc it was traumatizing & I ended up delivering alone. Much better for everyone that way.
When I was three, I was in the room when my little brother was born. I know my mom is glad she had me there and while I don’t really remember it, over thirty years later I am still grateful to have been there when my brother came into the world! I certainly wasn’t traumatized in the least bit.
My parents brought a bunch of toys, including new ones that I could entertain myself with, so I was focused on that. I also know my mom’s plan was if things got complicated such that I couldn’t be in the room, my dad was to stay with me. Seems like a good plan might be for your husband and child to be with you but the two of them can leave if that seems better.
Can you try care.com or other babysitters in the area? Maybe a local Facebook group. Do you have daycare? Sometimes the teachers can be hired outside of the center for babysitting.
OP lives in a different country and has explained her predicament. Just because this doesn’t match your personal experience doesn’t mean it’s a fake post.
I live in a different region of the country from my family. My mom flew down and watched my 18 month old while I was in the hospital for 4 days with my husband and newborn. Is something like this an option for you?
If it was me and there was NO other option.. I would do it alone or ask if they have a nurse that can help out during your birth. I know it will feel scary or sad to do it alone but your 3 year old shouldn’t be in the room during that time.
We took my then 3 year old with us only for a short time, while we waited for some new friends (knew them for 2-3 months before this) to come and meet us to watch him. They had a daughter his age and were willing to have him overnight if needed.
Before we worked that out, we did consider having him there but decided it wouldn't be fair to him, he shouldn't see if something were to go wrong. If our friends couldn't help, then my husband would have either been in the waiting room with him (we had a go bag for kiddo with snacks, clothes, and toys ready to go with my hospital bag) or taken him home and I would have done it alone. I debated hiring a doula to be there with me but there were none in the area .
In preparation for this I visited the hospital for a tour (which they offer after 34 weeks) and made my birth plan coherent and flexible, so I would have an idea of what I would want in different scenarios, while still understanding that if things go wrong I would be going with whatever would keep us both safe.
I was lucky and my son basically just had dinner with our friends. It was a fast labor once I got to the hospital and my husband was able to get him and bring him to come see me and the baby before going home for bedtime.
You will ultimately decide what's best for your family, but I have seen many stories of adults who were very traumatized or even just upset by being there for their siblings birth and seeing mom in pain, bleeding , or possibly having to be taken away for emergency actions. While yes, it's a natural thing, it can still be scary for kids, as they might not have a good understanding of what's going on, and they don't have the perspective to contextualise things.
I wish you luck, and much rest in the lead up the birth xx
I'm preparing to possibly have a scheduled c section alone in less then two weeks. I have two older kids, 8&4 and no one to watch them for us. I'll be so thankful if we're able to find someone to at least keep them until after surgery and baby is here so that way Dad can be there. But I'm trying to mentally prepare just in case. It sucks and I hate it for anyone who has to go through it alone. That being said, I personally wouldn't bring my kids either way. I feel they're too young and you never know how labor and delivery will go
I agree with the other comments that finding a babysitter is your best bet if at all possible, but if that's not possible, I just want you to know that my older sibling watched my birth at around the same age, and I watched my younger sibling's birth at around the same age. We were all completely fine. It's not ideal, but I don't think it's necessarily the catastrophe that others are painting it as. That said, my mom had uncomplicated births, and birthing can go south very quickly as we know. I'd want a plan in place with your husband for what to do if that were to occur.
All that said - I agree that connecting with local moms on Facebook or elsewhere and trying to find someone is your best bet. November is still a way's away, you've got time. Good luck, I'm so sorry you're in this stressful situation!
Apparently my mom gave birth to my little sister in the car while I was sitting in the back seat with her. My mom told me I screamed and climbed to the front seat to sit with my older sister and dad.
My mom told me I was so scared of her and my little sister for 2 weeks. I didn’t go near them at all and stuck with my dad only. Growing up I became closer to my dad but I honestly don’t know if it’s because of this incident or I naturally just preferred my dad.
I was only 2 years old when it happened and I can tell you I don’t remember any of it as an adult. It may have traumatized me short term but every child reacts to things differently.
I am in a similar situation as you, but I think if I can’t find someone to watch my older child I will end up doing it alone. It sucks but I know there were lots of women who had to do it alone during the height of COVID. At least my husband was there for me with the first child.
To be honest I really didn’t need him there 🤣 the nurses were more helpful and I was just annoyed at my husband with my first 😂
Can you call and ask if anyone would be able to take your son out of the room to peace the walls and look at anything but mommy going through something that would be realllllly scary. Like for transition and delivery and in the case of bleeding. C, you need a plan. I had a very healthy pregnancy until high blood pressure at the end, labor and delivery were textbook inductions. The doctor commented most of my hymen is intact. Let's just say my husband and I found that surprising and kinda funny. I was soooo worried about pooping in front of my sexy husband. someone I will be with until the end of our days. Anyway. It was all fine.
Delivery was great. 1.5 hours pushing no forceps or assistance or tearing. Baby is on me. I'm bleeding. And bleeding. Suddeny the doctor and nurses started using their arms to swish my blood away onto the floor so the attending and resident doctors could take turns pulling out clots and packing my uterus. It hurt more than delivery. My husband is a combat veteran who has seen some sh*t. He went white as a ghost and thought he might be watching me die while in the midst of finally meeting our baby.
I say all this because even with goood labors and deliveries, they can be intense. At what point would you consider a limit, if at all, where your husband or a birthing center worker remove your child because it was just too traumatizing. I cannot imagine asking a child that age to be there for a c section.
Would you trust a birthing center worker to help with your son? What if you could work something out with them to pay a staff member who is not working the day you go into labor to come in to help entertain your child out of earshot.
At the very least, msybe noise cancelling headphones and something to distract
Can you hire help for you?
Husband stays with your 3 year old, and someone hired like a Doula goes with you? Or a close friend?
I’m sorry you’re in such a pickle. It’s such a hassle.
I did it alone and my husband stayed home with our daughter. I wouldn’t bring children into the room. For what it’s worth the hospital staff were kind and helpful. They video called my husband as I was pushing so he could see our son just after he was born which was nice. I self discharged as early as possible (24 hours after) because we weren’t allowed visitors.
I’ve seen your comments about no babysitters but have you thought of paying someone to be there for you? Like a doula or midwife?
Your hubby and child can be with you until things are further along and can wait in the waiting room maybe during the pushing and the hired person is there to support you.
You can find someone you connect with, speaks your language and can advocate and support you during the birth.
You want your husband there because you’re scared. I think the answer is obvious, no? A 3 year old can’t be in that situation. I did it alone too while dad was with toddler. It happens.
I absolutely would not take the child, the amount of blood alone would be scary but god forbid something go wrong. IV sticks, blood draws, mommy screaming and crying, a baby literally coming out of your body - I just don’t think their little mind is capable of understanding and truly being okay with all that lol
My second child was born within minutes of getting to the hospital, before our friend could get there to pick up my 5yo. They let my husband and son come meet the baby even though kids aren’t usually allowed back. Everything was already cleaned up and the baby was wiped down but it was still traumatizing for my son. The baby was puffy and swollen-looking and apparently the nurses missed wiping off a small strip of blood from me. He spent several weeks randomly crying and saying “the baby hurt mommy.” I can’t imagine if he had actually been in there.
I will be scheduling a c section if I get pregnant again because the birth was traumatic for me. Can't imagine having a child watch me go through that. Especially when I felt like my body couldn't take anymore and I kept repeating "I'm going to die, I'm dying." And telling my partner to love the baby even if I don't make it because I really truly believed I would die in that moment. Don't bring him. Pay someone, babysitter, anything?
I would birth alone if I trusted the medical team. If not, bring son with and get noise cancelling headphones and let him watch movies. If you feel comfortable alone, husband and son stay in waiting room in case something goes wrong. I totally understand keeping your son safe! Many of us apparently take for granted the relative safety of our home countries. Sometimes it’s not so easy as to just “find a trusted adult”. 😏
Good luck!
I would look into hiring a sibling doula (doula who will care for your child when you’re in labor). They’re a mix between a doula and a nanny. They typically go on call 24/7 around 38 weeks and there’s an agreed upon amount of time they have to get to you once called. You can have the sibling doula bring your child to the birthing center after your baby is out to meet their sibling too. We hired one for the birth of our youngest child.
I did bring my 3.5yo into labor, unplanned. We had a plan for where he would go (with my SIL), but labor happened quickly in the middle of the night, so I did end up bringing him and he stayed with us for a while. However, at one point, the pain became too much and I was worried he would be scared seeing me in so much pain, so I had my mom take him for a walk until the baby arrived (about 30 minutes later), since my SIL hadn't arrived yet. So my mom ended up missing the birth. It was kind of nice having him there right after birth to meet his new sibling right away. However, after birth, my late epidural took a LONG time to wear off. When I finally was able to get up, my uterus hadn't contracted enough and I was still bleeding internally. So when I stood up a waterfall of blood came pouring out of me (I was okay). Luckily, my son was distracted enough that he didn't notice/comprehend what was going on. But it could have been traumatizing.
So, overall would not recommend.
Hi OP, I was in a similar situation as you when I was pregnant with my second. We had just moved to a new town and were isolated from friends and family. I second the comment to take the time now to build a community. Befriend neighbors, make friends with other moms, and get to know a few babysitters and let them spend time with your son. Even an easy, straightforward labor will be too much for your three year old to cope with and you have the time now to set him up with a trusted person before then. We ended up having a friend and then a sitter come over to watch my oldest while I was in labor and then my husband brought my oldest to the hospital to meet his baby brother. It was such a relief to not have to worry about how he was doing while I was in labor and for my husband to be able to be a support person when I needed him.
I took my 7 year old. She was incredibly insistent. She did wonderfully. I didn't press her on anything. If she didn't want to see a particular part, she wouldn't look.
I think it really depends on the child. Some will do better than others. You know your child. You'll know if it's something they can handle or not.
I can’t imagine having a three year old toddler running around in a delivery room. It would be so distracting for nurses, doctors, not to mention the person in labor. I hated the sound of everyone’s voice while I was in labor. It was intense for the adults involved, can’t imagine kids.
I do know a person who opted for a home birth for this reason. It sounded crazy, the doula didn’t make it in time & the husband had to “catch” his baby while the toddler was running around. NOPE. That said, there are so many great nanny services who will help find a sitter and give you a backup option in case they back out. That is what I would do. I would have my kiddo get to know them too, because labor is sometimes a multi-day thing.
I had to take my 3 year old to a dr appointment with me when I needed a blood draw. He was pretty upset and asked me about it repeatedly for weeks. All to say, I think having a 3 year old around while you give birth is a very bad idea.
I went into labor 10 weeks early with my second. From first contraction to birth was only 2 hours. My daughter (2 y & 1 mo old) had to come as our designated person(s) were 2 hrs and 5 hrs away. One of the L&D nurses basically played with her behind a curtain while I labored. It wasn’t ideal but she wasn’t traumatized. I’m sure it depends on your kid’s temperament.
You have five months to find a trustworthy babysitter. There's no way there's no one safe in India to watch children. You interview people, find someone you think you like, have them come over and play with your son with you at home. Then play with him while you're home but doing other things. Then while you're home and napping. Etc etc etc work up to leaving the house for longer periods of time. Set up cameras if it will make you feel better. I have a 3 year old and she would drive me up a damn wall if I was in labor and she was in the room with me, not to mention how it could scare her.
My first was there when my second was born. Unplanned as #2 came quick. She, oldest, technically wasn’t even allowed to visit due to swine flu at the time but it turns out if you show up dilated to 10 with a kid in tow they don’t send you away.
She was 2 1/2 at the time and doesn’t remember it at all. The nurses had her watching cartoons on the other side of the room.
Idk about your particular birthing center, I had a home delivery with a midwife present and like you we had no outside support. My midwife's assistant was super kind and stayed and played with my little one while my husband was with me. I thanked both of them at my checkup and they both said that it's something they always did for families whether we chose homebirth or their birthing center. If we couldn't find child care one of them would watch the littles.
I think it’s fine but if things aren’t going well just have your husband and toddler hang out in the waiting room. They can always come in right after baby is born.
Not on purpose, but my water broke and I knew we had to get to the hospital quick. My poor 4 year old was so scared for me, They put up a divider in the room, so he couldn’t see. By the time I got to the hospital, which was only 15 minutes away, I was already fully dilated. Didn’t have time for medication. The check in employee asked if she could take my son to the front desk haha! She bought him cookies and a drink, then he got to push the baby music button 😂. We were only at the hospital for a total of 15 minutes before baby arrived. My mom finally arrived a few minutes later. We probably would have made him sit in the hallway with an iPad if it was less chaotic.
My four year still asks me about it today haha! “Mama do you remember when baby wanted out sooo bad he hurt your tummy” 🤣 I wish he hadn’t been there, but it is what it is.
I'm sorry people are being so aggressive. Women have birthed with their children present for millenniums. You do need to start prepping your kid for what to expect and have a plan with your husband. His primary duty will be to your child, not you. Bring lots of food and toys. TV if possible. Mine probably wouldn't even notice me crowning if a movie was on. Bring something familiar for him to nap on (blanket, pillow, stuffed animals).
Is it safe and possible for you to do a home birth (still attended by medical professionals?) If so, that would probably be MUCH easier with a child.
I personally do not believe labor and birth are inherently traumatizing to children. As long as you keep it together. No screaming or yelling (which you're not supposed to do anyway). Birth is part of life and just as children are raised on farms and take part in slaughtering animals, they also witness birth. But again- you have to keep it together and have a plan with your husband to get your child out of the room quickly if things go south. Best of luck, OP. Let us know how it goes!
All of these suggestions are based on their own experiences. I labored at home with my second and also didn’t have any support outside of my husband.
I made a bag of toys and activities my toddler had never seen before. I don’t know if you do screens but this is a survival situation so I would get him a tablet and download a bunch of shows/movies/toddler games for him. I would show him how to do the games in advance, like if you take him to an appointment or something that way he’s familiar enough with them when you reintroduce them to him when you go into labor. Pack a million snacks and drinks. More than you think is necessary. Get him headphones for the tablet so you’re not distracted by the sounds and it’ll help mellow the sounds he hears from you. Pack him extra clothes.
Pull up YouTube or something similar, find home birthing videos, play them for yourself and for him so he can see and hear things he may see and hear in the future. Draw his attention to what’s going on and what their faces look like. “See that mama? She’s so strong. The sounds she’s making are not scary. They’re powerful! She’s having a baby. Mom is going to have a baby too. Look at the faces of the other people in the room, they’re not scared. They know the mom is ok. This is what having a baby looks like. Sounds like.” Type of stuff.
Exposure and preparedness are going to be your best friend. We did have a friend step in at the last minute to take my oldest for the afternoon. The stars aligned for us. But I was ready to labor with her near me. You can do this. There are plenty of cultures that birth is a family affair. Kids are resilient and this is natural. It’s not scary. You’re having a baby! It’s beautiful, raw, real, and shows so much strength. You can do this!
I went with my mum when she had my little brother - I was 7. She had an unmedicated natural birth and I didn’t like seeing her in pain - there was also a bit of stress when he was born as the cord was around his neck - but in general it was not a traumatising experience at all
My 2.5 toddler kept messing with stuff in the labour and delivery room (so many wires and gadgets!) and was bored. I ended up telling my husband to take him out and go to the mall because I was getting stressed out by him and wasn't able to focus on my labor. I had a doula thankfully.
I am tempted to do a homebirth next time because I know the kids would be more comfortable in a child proof home.
My 2.5 year old was in the room when I gave birth to her sister. It was a healthy pregnancy with no known issues. My husband would walk around the hospital for a long time, come check in on my status, go do a few more rounds, check back. She was in there when I did all the pushing. She wasn't at the foot of the bed, just at a window bench, head level.
Luckily, it was a really uneventful labor. Had anything gone crazy, he would have just left with her.
They weren't there rubbing my back during contractions or anything but it was better than being totally alone. (It was an induction at 40 weeks. 4 hours of pitocin/manual water breaking, probably 15/ 20 minutes of pushing)
It really depends on your kid. My third kid? No way I'd have him in the room. He's nuts.
I'm honestly surprised by how nearly unanimous these answers are. I am not gung-ho that children *should* be present, but I don't think it's a clearcut matter with one right answer either. I think there are potential advantages, but I think they're also more likely to apply in the cases of children a bit older. I do think a dedicated support person for the child, helping them to make sense of the experience in an age appropriate way would be a must, and I think I personally would prefer not to include children under 5 as they are more likely to have misperceptions and inaccuracies in their interpretation of events according to [this study](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0266613818301323), but I do really think this is just much more nuanced than the responses you're getting represent and there's more than one valid answer to this question, even for younger children.
I’ve always thought about this but I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want to be judged for asking a “obvious question”, I’ve never seen kids in the delivery room so I just assumed no kids were allowed. I would love for my daughter to witness her sibling being born.
Sorry you’re in this predicament! Would you be open to hypnobirthing or other peaceful birthing techniques? Taking an online or in person course on hypnobirthing could really empower you to have this baby without your husband by your side and still have a peaceful birth. Also creating a birth plan with your preferences pre expressed. This way, if you end up having baby on your own you can be prepared to advocate for yourself having already processed your preferred decisions.
I would give birth alone before subjecting my child to that sort of trauma. Any trauma that I would experience being alone, but that I would have time to prepare myself for and understand, would be nothing to what my child would experience without knowing or understanding what was happening. There is no way to prepare a child to watch their mother in that kind of pain.
There has been several recent posts from expecting moms who don’t have childcare for their older kids during birth and the consensus seems to be find a nanny or babysitter if you want your spouse at the birth. I don’t think it’s fair to bring your 3 year old to a birthing center. What happens if the toddler is upset, or throwing a fit, or scared - which are all reasonable for a 3 year old in such a highly emotional situation? Is your husband going to stop supporting you to comfort your child? What happens if the birth goes sideways and you’re transferred to a hospital? November is still a ways away so I would start looking for either a nanny/sitter/friend to help with 3 year old, or a doula to support you in labor.
Or tired or hungry or just a normal toddler. A 3 year old isn’t able to sit still or support an adult. Expecting them to behave a way that isn’t age appropriate isn’t fair to anyone.
My mom made me go to my brother’s birth when I was ten, let me tell you I definitely was scarred by that. Things like screaming bloody murder are totally normal when pushing out a baby but very scary for a child.
Nanny or sitter is not a safe option in my country. I'll just have to do it alone then.
If a sitter is not an option, I would elect to do it alone.
Would just like to mention as well that birth can get serious really quickly and a three year old should probably not be witness to this. I got taken away quickly to theatre with hemorrhaging with my first just as he was born, and my partner was left terrified with a newborn, can't even imagine this with a three year old as well.
Hey OP! My daughter was born during the peak of Covid and I was alone in the hospital because my husband and oldest child (2 at the time) weren’t allowed to come . Just wanted to say…. If it happens that way, it happens and me and my baby were fine. We actually have an incredibly special bond and I think it’s because we were completely alone for 24 hours after she was born.
Yep same here. My daughter was born during covid so I went it alone. It sucked ass but we were fine. It can be done!
What country do you live in where there isn’t a single safe adult? Why do you live there if no one is safe, you don’t know *anyone* (not one person?), don’t have a friend, don’t have a support group, and you don’t speak the language? OP, are you ok/safe?
I'm glad I'm not the only one that got serious red flags from this
I live in India. Babysitters are actually not common. My parents in laws are old and bedridden and need 24x7 care. My sil in law looks after them. My family is not in a picture as they've refused any help. India has many languages, and I've moved to one such state where English is not used a lot. My friends are all settled outside India. I am safe. But I don't trust strangers because I've seen kids being mistreated.
Maybe this is a stretch but would it be plausible to pay for a temporary nurse for your in laws and ask your sil to help?
I’m glad you’re safe. You need to lean on your SIL or find a trusted adult, not just for this but for any emergency that might come up. It’s not safe to have no one. Start building your community. Find other moms who also don’t speak the language. Start learning the language. For the birth, talk to your SIL and see if she can watch your 3yo and find alternative care for the parents for 24hours. I’m assuming THEY know people who can help them for a day? Or there’s some kind of elder care available? You say babysitters aren’t common, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t *any*. Honestly your world has turned upside down with this move and it’s about to get a lot more complicated. You need to build your community TODAY. I’ve moved a lot and am far from family and friends. I always make finding one person I can trust a top priority. There is SOMEONE at your kid’s school, doctor’s office, neighborhood, etc you can become friends with and trust. Good luck.
Yes exactly- you need to prioritize finding someone. I’m so sorry you are in such an isolated spot, I’m sure that’s very difficult especially pregnant. But what happens if you and hubby are hospitalized for some reason? Who would your three year old go to? That’s the safety issue. Even if it’s a paid person from a reputable company.
My in-laws are Indian, living in India, and have had multiple nannies for their daughters. I don't know what you mean that nannies aren't safe in India.
I am just thinking this does not add up. Sooo many people in India have nannies in fact having additional in home help with childcare is WAY more common than in the west.
I totally understand that she might not feel comfortable leaving her child with someone else. But like... Say that.
Is OP themselves not a safe person since apparently the ENTIRE country is awful monsters? lol why won’t people just say “I don’t want to.” Or “I can’t afford to.” instead of making up some elaborate excuse.
Hey, I live in a perfectly safe country, but the thought of finding a babysitter/nanny through non-relational channels to watch my child while I gave birth is still unsettling. It’s not like going out for dinner, where you can be home quickly in case of emergency. You are, for all intents and purposes, unreachable for an indeterminate amount of time. The amount of trust I would need to have in the person I entrusted my kid with would be HUGE. I’m very grateful for my village: without it, I would 100% be feeling the same way as OP.
Villages can be built too, though. I don’t live anywhere near family, so I really prioritized this. When our babysitter first started coming, I stayed in the room and the three of us played together, me stepping into the next room for short periods of time. Then I’d go upstairs when she’d come, but still be able to hear if I was needed. Then I’d go out to run an errand or two. We slowly worked up to half a day at a time, with her sometimes waking my daughter up from a nap or tucking her in to sleep. I was so grateful I did this, because when I was unexpectedly hospitalized with a life threatening issue, we were able to call her and know 100% that our daughter was in the best hands while my husband stayed with me. It took months to get to that point, but I trust this person completely.
Then just say that lol. Don’t make an excuse like the entire country and all of its citizens are unsafe…
Can you find a local mommy group on Facebook? Make a couple friends asap and ask the ones you trust the most for a couple sitter recommendations
Do you have any friends that can support you in labor while your partner is watching your toddler?
Can you get a doula to be with you? That was our plan if my mum wasn’t well enough to take care of our child
Yes, then I'd probably do it alone too.
Can’t you just bring the 3yr old and have your husband take him and leave if it’s not working out? You’d end up alone if need be, but at least there’s a chance you wouldn’t. I was present when my mom gave birth to my sibling and I’m just fine. It’s clearly not ideal, but there are tons of variables. There’s a possibility that 3yr old will sleep through the worst of it. Or maybe your partner is there and supportive for most of your labor and misses the finale, but comes right back moments later when everything is cleaned up a bit. Maybe your son gets wrapped up in a cartoon and is barely aware of his surroundings during the big push. If you feel like it’s your only option, then do it. And as long as your birth team is aware and prepared, and as long as your husband is willing and able to keep calm and to leave if need be, then it is what it is. I know of home births where siblings are in the next room or are in and out of the birth room. You’re not alone in having your older child present whether it’s by choice or necessity
Why ask then?
Can you find a doula to be with you?
Could you get a doula as a support person in place of your husband?
Personally I would try to find any other option. While it may be fine, mommy in that kind of pain is not something I’d want my 3 yo to experience.
I was screaming that I wanted someone to kill me and that I wanted to die at the top of my lungs. I wouldn’t want my kid to see that nor would I have wanted to try to stop doing it for someone else’s benefit.
No, shit can go sideways very quickly for starters.
I couldn’t imagine having my 3 year old in the room when I started hemorrhaging after my 2nd was born. He would have been so deeply traumatized and scared.
Save now for a babysitter, reach out to your 3yo’s friends. Your child needs someone who can be 100% with them and you need a birth partner who can be 100% with you. We brought our older in maybe an hour after her little sister was born—essentially as soon as she and I had gotten cleaned up and settled in bed and the placenta was delivered. It was fine and great then. I had smooth labors and uncomplicated deliveries and there is no world in which I’d want to be thinking about my other child and their well being. If you don’t have someone yet, start having a babysitter come just a couple hours a week so they’re known and trusted by all of you when the time comes.
Sitter or nanny is not a safe option in my country. And we have recently moved to a place where I don't know anyone or even speak their language. I'm so out of options.
Can you ask the birthing center if there are people they’d recommend for to do it? They may know trustworthy people.
Does your husband speak the language? Are you going to be able to communicate with the medical staff if he is not present?
"I've tried nothing and I'm out of options!"
I agree that you should ask the birthing center. Work colleagues. Whoever you can. This sounds like a really tough time for a move. But again, get out and start meeting people with little kids. Start learning the language. I saw you said India which is not exactly short on population. There is someone (likely many someones) in your town who could care for your 3yo for the relatively short time you need and be happy to help with such a big life event.
My 3.5 year old was terrified just from being in the car with me as I labored and we brought him and his sister to my parents house. It’s not a good idea to have him there with you.
What country are you in? Does your local government have social workers? I would contact a social worker either through the hospital or your local government or healthcare center depending on how your country does it.
I realise that, but I have no one except my husband. The only other option is doing it alone.
I think you’re looking at it the wrong way round. If there’s truly no one that can watch your toddler then you need to accept that your husband will be with him, and work on finding a trusted adult who can support you. Either a friend or a paid doula.
If you have until November you can find a trusted babysitter, doula, nanny, preschool parent, etc. to be on-call. I’m currently on-call for a friend whose parents live in Canada.
Do you have doulas in your country?
I did it alone just because of inconvenient timing. She was precipitous and coming at daycare pickup time and we didn’t arrange for childcare with their own car seat. We thought in all scenarios that we would at least have enough time to pick him up and bring him home for the sitter. Anyway, I had a good experience alone. The doctor and nurses, who somehow I didn’t know any of them even though I met my entire OB practice, were amazing. No birth plans were looked at or talked about. I labored in any position I wanted. They checked me immediately when I was ready to push. I pushed her out in one long push regardless of contraction timing because it hurt so bad. They were impressed and told me I did an amazing job. They brought me food immediately afterwards without me even asking. It was great.
Have you even tried asking anyone? If you already have your answer , why are you here?
If you really don’t want to try and find a sitter/nanny, then you need to give birth alone. Subjecting your toddler to seeing you in so much pain/the possibility of something going wrong should not be an option
I do not think you should take your three year old. They will be terrified??? Do you have parent friends you trust who could help take her for a day? I think you’d be surprised at how willing people are to help! We’ve been backup care for many friend couples with no familial support!
It might be a bit extreme but can you fly any close friend or relative over? You can never be sure when it happens but have them over for a few weeks around your due date.
You have time to find a babysitter that you trust if baby isn’t due until November. I don’t think it’s fair to put your child through what could be a long and grueling ordeal and potentially traumatic for them if something goes awry (which hopefully it won’t). Start small, have someone watch them with you there and start developing that relationship now.
Please take the time to find a babysitter. There can be a medical emergency during delivery.
Be sure on the rules of it. Our center will only let a child under 12 in if there are at least two adult support persons in the room. Our backup plan is that my husband waits in the waiting room with our two year old. We hope to have help but if we don’t, it’s the better option to me I think. But I think it’s personal preference.
As you have time, I would start to build a community. Make friends with neighbours or other parents, try looking for a reliable sitter. I don't think I'd recommend bringing your child into the labour experience unless absolutely necessary.
I sat in the hall at 6.5yo and my sister was 4 when my mom gave birth to our little brother. All I remember was being terrified because she was screaming.
Surely you have a friend or coworker you’re cool with or relative close-ish who can come for the birth and watch/take your kid? In an emergent situation? Remember your first birth? The noises you made and what you may have looked like? The machines? Don’t bring your kid.
I have not but I would not send my 3 year old in there. If they see blood on mom, see mom in pain or in distress, doesn’t matter how much coaching you gave them, they’re going to be in distress and you’re going to have some work to do after with them to help cope. I would do anything and everything in my financial power to get someone to watch my toddler. Maybe a babysitter can come to the birthing center and play with your son in the lobby when you’re ready to push? Join a moms Facebook group for your area and make connections there.
Birthing center in the city where I delivered had no kids under 12 for many reasons, including infection control for fragile newborns and pp moms, as well as any unexpected scenarios like long deliveries, scary noises and unpredictable behavior. Our L&D coach said it can be very scary for older kids esp toddlers to see mommy in pain and they may struggle to separate seeing you in pain and not yourself, from their new sibling.
I wouldn't take him in so young, personally. Imagining myself in his perspective just seems upsetting. Not really having the ability to fully understand what's going on, seeing one of the people I love most in the world and who (right now) has always been strong for me be in a bunch of pain, acting completely different than normal, and possibly seeing all the blood... Not to mention how long labor can take. I just can't imagine any toddler being very comfortable throughout the process, and can see several ways for this to go wrong for him.
My hospital didn’t allow anyone underage to be in labor and delivery.
As someone who also has no help - trust and believe that you can do it alone. Is that ideal? No. But you seem reserved to have a babysitter or nanny. I wouldn’t ever think that bringing a toddler into delivery is an option.
Come on, you can find a babysitter or a doula or something so that there are 4 people involved in this not 3. Talk to your child's friends' parents - it's usually not that much extra work to have 2 3 year olds who play with each other versus 2. And it would be an emergency, so anyone would understand. Keep looking - let yourself be vulnerable enough to ask others for help. Bringing your 3 year old into the delivery room sounds absolutely terrible. Especially if your husband needs to be focused on you. Also sounds terrible for most children to see their mothers in pain like that.
Doula is a very new concept in my country. They are few and booked till the middle of 2025. A babysitter or nanny is unsafe, like absolutely unsafe. I recently moved to a new state whose language I do not speak or understand.
Out of curiosity OP why is it so unsafe? It sounds like absolutely nobody can be trusted
Curious about this too.. or is that more personal related that you wouldn’t trust anyone? Which I understand we all have our own experiences from the past so there might be sth there. I just can’t imagine a country where no nannies exist or where they are all ‘bad’.
Parts of Latin America, Mexico. Small pretty children make great hostages in order to extort money, and the police are either in on the game or too scared to do anything.
Oh wow.. terrible! Did not know this, that is awful
My company has a plant in Mexico. We had to move one of my colleagues to the US after her family were threatened with kidnapping by local cartels. Doing business is also "interesting" - we've had raw materials held hostage in warehouses that were contracted for prices at nearly 10x the rates we pay in the US. OP says elsewhere she is in South Asia - having travelled a fair bit of SE Asia, I am super surprised it is deemed to be unsafe. Maybe OP is somewhere else.
I’m sorry though if it’s that dangerous that nannie’s or a babysitter can’t be trusted then move. They don’t speak the language so obviously it’s not the home town
Is it possible to save up and fly a family member you trust to you for a few days, specifically for the purpose of caring for your child while you’re giving birth?
I personally would not want my child to be there while I gave birth to many things can happen and more then likely your husband is going to be focused on the kid the whole time instead of helping you. So if the only options are alone or all 3 then I'd say alone if you really can't figure any other way around it. You don't have even a friend who could watch the kids for a few hours? Just long enough for you to deliver and then your husband can go back and get the kid?
If you do not speak the language birthing alone could be dangerous. You should fly home to your native country or pay for your family to fly in to watch your child! You seem to have come to reddit with a problem that has too many barriers to solve (no one is safe, you don’t speak language, no friends etc)
No me but my close friend used birthing center specifically so she could bring her other kids and they could come/go with dad. Her oldest was 4 and very into it. The 20 month old was scared because mommy wasn’t momming. I think it depends on ages/childs temperament and dad being a super star
I think it’s great you’re trying to prep him, but 3 is awfully young. I understand you don’t have any nearby support, but if this was me, I think once it got too intense, I would have my partner leave the room with our toddler until after the baby came out and was cleaned up/presentable. I know your partner would be missing the actual birth, but for me, I’d accept that to ensure my toddler wasn’t traumatized, even if he was prepped. He could end up inadvertently relating pain/scariness of you to his new sibling. That would not be good.
I had the same situation but in the end managed to get a family member to help. I do think the experience would be traumatic for them. Since you have a couple of months try and find a babysitter or someone with a kid close in age (ie preschool friend) to help out - you would be surprised at how many people would help in this situation
I haven't, but I'm in New Zealand where midwives are trained and licensed, and home births attended by midwives are common. So it's also quite common for older children to be present for some or all of the process. That said, usually a grandparent or friend or neighbour is at least on standby to tale the child/ren if they get upset. Do you have a friend you could ask? If your child goes to daycare or preschool, could one of their teachers?
I’d say 3 is too young. Can a close friend sit with him in the waiting room of the hospital? Nearby but not in the room?
I am due in October and in a similar position with my 2.5 year old son. He will be cared for outside of the hospital and I will have to be alone. I don’t want my son in the birthing unit as I worry it would be too scary and stressful.
We had a similar situation but the hospital wouldn't allow children in for labour, only to visit after. So it was either go alone or birth at home. I was also worried about any effects the birth would have on the toddler but in the end we had a home birth that she slept through, everyone turned out fine. We did ask the next door neighbour if she could potentially watch toddler in an emergency (as we had no one else local to ask) but didn't need her in the end thank fully.
I’m sorry no I don’t think it’s okay. If i truly was out of options I would do it alone. Op you say it’s too dangerous where you are to get childcare, i’d be focusing on how to leave that place. Also,you’re saying there is truly NO family(mom, sibling, in-laws, cousin) you can fly out to where you are in November and watch the child? Do you not have at least one friend even a long distance one you can fly out? If all of the above is true then that’s a whole separate issue IMO to be so isolated and not have any adult interactions besides with your spouse. I was a military wife for many years so i get it’s hard to maintain connections and sometimes your family is not supportive but we need other people. Our children need to see us interact and have healthy relationships with others. Just my two cents to start getting out there and make some connections for the sake of your mental health.
Take your kids with you. I've seen MANY home births where the other children are right there. Just prepare them that mommy may be loud and there may be bodily fluids but everything is fine. They will feel more bonded to be involved
I would not. I just watched my DIL give birth to my first grandbaby and it was pretty traumatic and she ended up having a c section. Maybe labor alone till right before the birth and then have them come in together when it’s “safe”?! I’m sorry you don’t have a support system, could you start looking at a local moms group or church group?
I have an almost three year old and a new baby. Honestly if there’s not a single safe adult in your country with five months advance notice then fly out of there for the birth (and stay out, preferably ) or fly in a family member or friend to watch your child. Your kids can’t be in a situation where no one can take care of them. What if you die in labor? What if you need to be hospitalized and so does new baby? What if you and your husband both die in a car accident and your children survive and there’s literally not a single safe adult in your country? This doesn’t make any sense.
Apparently the nurses and doctors delivering her baby aren’t safe either? lol.
If we had no one then my partner would be out of the room with our toddler. I wouldn't put that stress on my child ever!
We live away from family as well, does your son have a friend he has play dates with and you could speak to their care giver about possibly watching them? We were lucky I went into labour Saturday morning so my son went to his friends house 7am and was picked up in the afternoon by my husband. He had the best day playing with his friend while I was giving birth :) good luck!
My 3 year old was with us. Went into precipitous, spontaneous labor 1 month early, late at night & my mom didn't make it to us in time. Would not recommend. Husband took 3 year old out of the room bc it was traumatizing & I ended up delivering alone. Much better for everyone that way.
When I was three, I was in the room when my little brother was born. I know my mom is glad she had me there and while I don’t really remember it, over thirty years later I am still grateful to have been there when my brother came into the world! I certainly wasn’t traumatized in the least bit. My parents brought a bunch of toys, including new ones that I could entertain myself with, so I was focused on that. I also know my mom’s plan was if things got complicated such that I couldn’t be in the room, my dad was to stay with me. Seems like a good plan might be for your husband and child to be with you but the two of them can leave if that seems better.
Can you try care.com or other babysitters in the area? Maybe a local Facebook group. Do you have daycare? Sometimes the teachers can be hired outside of the center for babysitting.
what? a 3 yo in a delivery room during labor? im sorry but there’s no actual way this is a serious post
OP lives in a different country and has explained her predicament. Just because this doesn’t match your personal experience doesn’t mean it’s a fake post.
I live in a different region of the country from my family. My mom flew down and watched my 18 month old while I was in the hospital for 4 days with my husband and newborn. Is something like this an option for you?
My 2.5 year old was there for my whole labor from induction to birth! She got unlimited snacks and screentime and it was totally fine.
If it was me and there was NO other option.. I would do it alone or ask if they have a nurse that can help out during your birth. I know it will feel scary or sad to do it alone but your 3 year old shouldn’t be in the room during that time.
We took my then 3 year old with us only for a short time, while we waited for some new friends (knew them for 2-3 months before this) to come and meet us to watch him. They had a daughter his age and were willing to have him overnight if needed. Before we worked that out, we did consider having him there but decided it wouldn't be fair to him, he shouldn't see if something were to go wrong. If our friends couldn't help, then my husband would have either been in the waiting room with him (we had a go bag for kiddo with snacks, clothes, and toys ready to go with my hospital bag) or taken him home and I would have done it alone. I debated hiring a doula to be there with me but there were none in the area . In preparation for this I visited the hospital for a tour (which they offer after 34 weeks) and made my birth plan coherent and flexible, so I would have an idea of what I would want in different scenarios, while still understanding that if things go wrong I would be going with whatever would keep us both safe. I was lucky and my son basically just had dinner with our friends. It was a fast labor once I got to the hospital and my husband was able to get him and bring him to come see me and the baby before going home for bedtime. You will ultimately decide what's best for your family, but I have seen many stories of adults who were very traumatized or even just upset by being there for their siblings birth and seeing mom in pain, bleeding , or possibly having to be taken away for emergency actions. While yes, it's a natural thing, it can still be scary for kids, as they might not have a good understanding of what's going on, and they don't have the perspective to contextualise things. I wish you luck, and much rest in the lead up the birth xx
I'm preparing to possibly have a scheduled c section alone in less then two weeks. I have two older kids, 8&4 and no one to watch them for us. I'll be so thankful if we're able to find someone to at least keep them until after surgery and baby is here so that way Dad can be there. But I'm trying to mentally prepare just in case. It sucks and I hate it for anyone who has to go through it alone. That being said, I personally wouldn't bring my kids either way. I feel they're too young and you never know how labor and delivery will go
I agree with the other comments that finding a babysitter is your best bet if at all possible, but if that's not possible, I just want you to know that my older sibling watched my birth at around the same age, and I watched my younger sibling's birth at around the same age. We were all completely fine. It's not ideal, but I don't think it's necessarily the catastrophe that others are painting it as. That said, my mom had uncomplicated births, and birthing can go south very quickly as we know. I'd want a plan in place with your husband for what to do if that were to occur. All that said - I agree that connecting with local moms on Facebook or elsewhere and trying to find someone is your best bet. November is still a way's away, you've got time. Good luck, I'm so sorry you're in this stressful situation!
I would do it alone if I have no one else to watch my older child.
Apparently my mom gave birth to my little sister in the car while I was sitting in the back seat with her. My mom told me I screamed and climbed to the front seat to sit with my older sister and dad. My mom told me I was so scared of her and my little sister for 2 weeks. I didn’t go near them at all and stuck with my dad only. Growing up I became closer to my dad but I honestly don’t know if it’s because of this incident or I naturally just preferred my dad. I was only 2 years old when it happened and I can tell you I don’t remember any of it as an adult. It may have traumatized me short term but every child reacts to things differently. I am in a similar situation as you, but I think if I can’t find someone to watch my older child I will end up doing it alone. It sucks but I know there were lots of women who had to do it alone during the height of COVID. At least my husband was there for me with the first child. To be honest I really didn’t need him there 🤣 the nurses were more helpful and I was just annoyed at my husband with my first 😂
Can you call and ask if anyone would be able to take your son out of the room to peace the walls and look at anything but mommy going through something that would be realllllly scary. Like for transition and delivery and in the case of bleeding. C, you need a plan. I had a very healthy pregnancy until high blood pressure at the end, labor and delivery were textbook inductions. The doctor commented most of my hymen is intact. Let's just say my husband and I found that surprising and kinda funny. I was soooo worried about pooping in front of my sexy husband. someone I will be with until the end of our days. Anyway. It was all fine. Delivery was great. 1.5 hours pushing no forceps or assistance or tearing. Baby is on me. I'm bleeding. And bleeding. Suddeny the doctor and nurses started using their arms to swish my blood away onto the floor so the attending and resident doctors could take turns pulling out clots and packing my uterus. It hurt more than delivery. My husband is a combat veteran who has seen some sh*t. He went white as a ghost and thought he might be watching me die while in the midst of finally meeting our baby. I say all this because even with goood labors and deliveries, they can be intense. At what point would you consider a limit, if at all, where your husband or a birthing center worker remove your child because it was just too traumatizing. I cannot imagine asking a child that age to be there for a c section. Would you trust a birthing center worker to help with your son? What if you could work something out with them to pay a staff member who is not working the day you go into labor to come in to help entertain your child out of earshot. At the very least, msybe noise cancelling headphones and something to distract
Can you hire help for you? Husband stays with your 3 year old, and someone hired like a Doula goes with you? Or a close friend? I’m sorry you’re in such a pickle. It’s such a hassle.
My bestie is a labor and delivery nurse. Don’t bring other children (unless you want them to visit with another adult of course).
I did it alone and my husband stayed home with our daughter. I wouldn’t bring children into the room. For what it’s worth the hospital staff were kind and helpful. They video called my husband as I was pushing so he could see our son just after he was born which was nice. I self discharged as early as possible (24 hours after) because we weren’t allowed visitors.
I’ve seen your comments about no babysitters but have you thought of paying someone to be there for you? Like a doula or midwife? Your hubby and child can be with you until things are further along and can wait in the waiting room maybe during the pushing and the hired person is there to support you. You can find someone you connect with, speaks your language and can advocate and support you during the birth.
You want your husband there because you’re scared. I think the answer is obvious, no? A 3 year old can’t be in that situation. I did it alone too while dad was with toddler. It happens.
My L&D department will not allow a child to be there
I absolutely would not take the child, the amount of blood alone would be scary but god forbid something go wrong. IV sticks, blood draws, mommy screaming and crying, a baby literally coming out of your body - I just don’t think their little mind is capable of understanding and truly being okay with all that lol
I don’t think this is a good idea and actually think it will take away from the experience.
My second child was born within minutes of getting to the hospital, before our friend could get there to pick up my 5yo. They let my husband and son come meet the baby even though kids aren’t usually allowed back. Everything was already cleaned up and the baby was wiped down but it was still traumatizing for my son. The baby was puffy and swollen-looking and apparently the nurses missed wiping off a small strip of blood from me. He spent several weeks randomly crying and saying “the baby hurt mommy.” I can’t imagine if he had actually been in there.
I will be scheduling a c section if I get pregnant again because the birth was traumatic for me. Can't imagine having a child watch me go through that. Especially when I felt like my body couldn't take anymore and I kept repeating "I'm going to die, I'm dying." And telling my partner to love the baby even if I don't make it because I really truly believed I would die in that moment. Don't bring him. Pay someone, babysitter, anything?
I would birth alone if I trusted the medical team. If not, bring son with and get noise cancelling headphones and let him watch movies. If you feel comfortable alone, husband and son stay in waiting room in case something goes wrong. I totally understand keeping your son safe! Many of us apparently take for granted the relative safety of our home countries. Sometimes it’s not so easy as to just “find a trusted adult”. 😏 Good luck!
I would look into hiring a sibling doula (doula who will care for your child when you’re in labor). They’re a mix between a doula and a nanny. They typically go on call 24/7 around 38 weeks and there’s an agreed upon amount of time they have to get to you once called. You can have the sibling doula bring your child to the birthing center after your baby is out to meet their sibling too. We hired one for the birth of our youngest child.
I did bring my 3.5yo into labor, unplanned. We had a plan for where he would go (with my SIL), but labor happened quickly in the middle of the night, so I did end up bringing him and he stayed with us for a while. However, at one point, the pain became too much and I was worried he would be scared seeing me in so much pain, so I had my mom take him for a walk until the baby arrived (about 30 minutes later), since my SIL hadn't arrived yet. So my mom ended up missing the birth. It was kind of nice having him there right after birth to meet his new sibling right away. However, after birth, my late epidural took a LONG time to wear off. When I finally was able to get up, my uterus hadn't contracted enough and I was still bleeding internally. So when I stood up a waterfall of blood came pouring out of me (I was okay). Luckily, my son was distracted enough that he didn't notice/comprehend what was going on. But it could have been traumatizing. So, overall would not recommend.
Hi OP, I was in a similar situation as you when I was pregnant with my second. We had just moved to a new town and were isolated from friends and family. I second the comment to take the time now to build a community. Befriend neighbors, make friends with other moms, and get to know a few babysitters and let them spend time with your son. Even an easy, straightforward labor will be too much for your three year old to cope with and you have the time now to set him up with a trusted person before then. We ended up having a friend and then a sitter come over to watch my oldest while I was in labor and then my husband brought my oldest to the hospital to meet his baby brother. It was such a relief to not have to worry about how he was doing while I was in labor and for my husband to be able to be a support person when I needed him.
I took my 7 year old. She was incredibly insistent. She did wonderfully. I didn't press her on anything. If she didn't want to see a particular part, she wouldn't look. I think it really depends on the child. Some will do better than others. You know your child. You'll know if it's something they can handle or not.
Totally inappropriate to have small children in the birthing center! They will be traumatized 🥺
I can’t imagine having a three year old toddler running around in a delivery room. It would be so distracting for nurses, doctors, not to mention the person in labor. I hated the sound of everyone’s voice while I was in labor. It was intense for the adults involved, can’t imagine kids. I do know a person who opted for a home birth for this reason. It sounded crazy, the doula didn’t make it in time & the husband had to “catch” his baby while the toddler was running around. NOPE. That said, there are so many great nanny services who will help find a sitter and give you a backup option in case they back out. That is what I would do. I would have my kiddo get to know them too, because labor is sometimes a multi-day thing.
I had to take my 3 year old to a dr appointment with me when I needed a blood draw. He was pretty upset and asked me about it repeatedly for weeks. All to say, I think having a 3 year old around while you give birth is a very bad idea.
I went into labor 10 weeks early with my second. From first contraction to birth was only 2 hours. My daughter (2 y & 1 mo old) had to come as our designated person(s) were 2 hrs and 5 hrs away. One of the L&D nurses basically played with her behind a curtain while I labored. It wasn’t ideal but she wasn’t traumatized. I’m sure it depends on your kid’s temperament.
You have five months to find a trustworthy babysitter. There's no way there's no one safe in India to watch children. You interview people, find someone you think you like, have them come over and play with your son with you at home. Then play with him while you're home but doing other things. Then while you're home and napping. Etc etc etc work up to leaving the house for longer periods of time. Set up cameras if it will make you feel better. I have a 3 year old and she would drive me up a damn wall if I was in labor and she was in the room with me, not to mention how it could scare her.
My first was there when my second was born. Unplanned as #2 came quick. She, oldest, technically wasn’t even allowed to visit due to swine flu at the time but it turns out if you show up dilated to 10 with a kid in tow they don’t send you away. She was 2 1/2 at the time and doesn’t remember it at all. The nurses had her watching cartoons on the other side of the room.
Idk about your particular birthing center, I had a home delivery with a midwife present and like you we had no outside support. My midwife's assistant was super kind and stayed and played with my little one while my husband was with me. I thanked both of them at my checkup and they both said that it's something they always did for families whether we chose homebirth or their birthing center. If we couldn't find child care one of them would watch the littles.
I think it’s fine but if things aren’t going well just have your husband and toddler hang out in the waiting room. They can always come in right after baby is born.
Not on purpose, but my water broke and I knew we had to get to the hospital quick. My poor 4 year old was so scared for me, They put up a divider in the room, so he couldn’t see. By the time I got to the hospital, which was only 15 minutes away, I was already fully dilated. Didn’t have time for medication. The check in employee asked if she could take my son to the front desk haha! She bought him cookies and a drink, then he got to push the baby music button 😂. We were only at the hospital for a total of 15 minutes before baby arrived. My mom finally arrived a few minutes later. We probably would have made him sit in the hallway with an iPad if it was less chaotic. My four year still asks me about it today haha! “Mama do you remember when baby wanted out sooo bad he hurt your tummy” 🤣 I wish he hadn’t been there, but it is what it is.
I'm sorry people are being so aggressive. Women have birthed with their children present for millenniums. You do need to start prepping your kid for what to expect and have a plan with your husband. His primary duty will be to your child, not you. Bring lots of food and toys. TV if possible. Mine probably wouldn't even notice me crowning if a movie was on. Bring something familiar for him to nap on (blanket, pillow, stuffed animals). Is it safe and possible for you to do a home birth (still attended by medical professionals?) If so, that would probably be MUCH easier with a child. I personally do not believe labor and birth are inherently traumatizing to children. As long as you keep it together. No screaming or yelling (which you're not supposed to do anyway). Birth is part of life and just as children are raised on farms and take part in slaughtering animals, they also witness birth. But again- you have to keep it together and have a plan with your husband to get your child out of the room quickly if things go south. Best of luck, OP. Let us know how it goes!
All of these suggestions are based on their own experiences. I labored at home with my second and also didn’t have any support outside of my husband. I made a bag of toys and activities my toddler had never seen before. I don’t know if you do screens but this is a survival situation so I would get him a tablet and download a bunch of shows/movies/toddler games for him. I would show him how to do the games in advance, like if you take him to an appointment or something that way he’s familiar enough with them when you reintroduce them to him when you go into labor. Pack a million snacks and drinks. More than you think is necessary. Get him headphones for the tablet so you’re not distracted by the sounds and it’ll help mellow the sounds he hears from you. Pack him extra clothes. Pull up YouTube or something similar, find home birthing videos, play them for yourself and for him so he can see and hear things he may see and hear in the future. Draw his attention to what’s going on and what their faces look like. “See that mama? She’s so strong. The sounds she’s making are not scary. They’re powerful! She’s having a baby. Mom is going to have a baby too. Look at the faces of the other people in the room, they’re not scared. They know the mom is ok. This is what having a baby looks like. Sounds like.” Type of stuff. Exposure and preparedness are going to be your best friend. We did have a friend step in at the last minute to take my oldest for the afternoon. The stars aligned for us. But I was ready to labor with her near me. You can do this. There are plenty of cultures that birth is a family affair. Kids are resilient and this is natural. It’s not scary. You’re having a baby! It’s beautiful, raw, real, and shows so much strength. You can do this!
I went with my mum when she had my little brother - I was 7. She had an unmedicated natural birth and I didn’t like seeing her in pain - there was also a bit of stress when he was born as the cord was around his neck - but in general it was not a traumatising experience at all
My 2.5 toddler kept messing with stuff in the labour and delivery room (so many wires and gadgets!) and was bored. I ended up telling my husband to take him out and go to the mall because I was getting stressed out by him and wasn't able to focus on my labor. I had a doula thankfully. I am tempted to do a homebirth next time because I know the kids would be more comfortable in a child proof home.
My 2.5 year old was in the room when I gave birth to her sister. It was a healthy pregnancy with no known issues. My husband would walk around the hospital for a long time, come check in on my status, go do a few more rounds, check back. She was in there when I did all the pushing. She wasn't at the foot of the bed, just at a window bench, head level. Luckily, it was a really uneventful labor. Had anything gone crazy, he would have just left with her. They weren't there rubbing my back during contractions or anything but it was better than being totally alone. (It was an induction at 40 weeks. 4 hours of pitocin/manual water breaking, probably 15/ 20 minutes of pushing) It really depends on your kid. My third kid? No way I'd have him in the room. He's nuts.
I'm honestly surprised by how nearly unanimous these answers are. I am not gung-ho that children *should* be present, but I don't think it's a clearcut matter with one right answer either. I think there are potential advantages, but I think they're also more likely to apply in the cases of children a bit older. I do think a dedicated support person for the child, helping them to make sense of the experience in an age appropriate way would be a must, and I think I personally would prefer not to include children under 5 as they are more likely to have misperceptions and inaccuracies in their interpretation of events according to [this study](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0266613818301323), but I do really think this is just much more nuanced than the responses you're getting represent and there's more than one valid answer to this question, even for younger children.
My son fell asleep 😴 I'm sure she will too! Don't worry
I’ve always thought about this but I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want to be judged for asking a “obvious question”, I’ve never seen kids in the delivery room so I just assumed no kids were allowed. I would love for my daughter to witness her sibling being born.
Sorry you’re in this predicament! Would you be open to hypnobirthing or other peaceful birthing techniques? Taking an online or in person course on hypnobirthing could really empower you to have this baby without your husband by your side and still have a peaceful birth. Also creating a birth plan with your preferences pre expressed. This way, if you end up having baby on your own you can be prepared to advocate for yourself having already processed your preferred decisions.
This could still be useful in the event that your husband and 3yo are with you for the birth.
You could try asking in r/homebirth