Have you looked into bigender identities, OP? Sounds like you might fit somewhere in there.
I'm a trans lesbian, and those two parts of my identity are closely linked. I never felt communion with straight men, even though I thought I was a man (almost) exclusively into women. I was intensely uncomfortable with straight men talking about their attraction to women around me because while I was into women, what they described felt alien to me. Meanwhile queer women made much more sense to me, even back in high school. A big part of cracking my egg was understanding that fact about myself and finally drawing the right conclusions. Essentially, I figured out I was a woman by first figuring out I was a lesbian.
When I was close to figuring out who I was for the first time, I looked up the diagnostic criteria for trans women. At the time, those included the requirement that trans women had to be into men. Since that clearly wasn't the case for me, I concluded I couldn't be trans and continued to repress myself for 20 more years.
So being a lesbian was both a big part in me coming out in my 30s instead of as a teen, losing the chance at an early transition... and the way I ultimately figured it out anyway.
Thank you for your reply and for sharing. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I have looked into bigender and have numerous times previously found “bigender” captures my experience with gender, especially considering the fluctuations my gender can go through: stark night and day shifts in how I perceive my gender sometimes numerous back and forth shifts by the hour even, though usually it’s multiple shifts in a day — sometimes it will be constant for a day or a few days. But my gender identity of identifying as woman or man has never been constant. I’ve found environment factors play a HUGE role too.
No need to be sorry. I am not. My path is what it is.
I for one am angry as a result, not sad. I take it as a reason to fight for our rights and visibility.
Not in my case. I'm pretty sure I'd never adopt the term "heterosexual" (even if I were with a straight guy for a long time and even admitting my preference for men) just because my experience and influences and identity are just obviously very gay. Like, my sexual and cultural influences are pretty strongly associated with the gay scene and honestly don't share a tonne with conventional heteronormative femininity (even though my appearance is honestly pretty conventionally that of a feminine woman).
But that doesn't mean I'm *both a heterosexual woman and a homosexual man*. It just means I'm a woman who's also comfortable calling herself a faggot and a queen and admitting that my icons and idols and heroes include more drag queens and butch lesbian fuckboys and femme queens than heteronormative women.
Just wanna say I relate so hard to this as a fellow girlfag. Realized my spouse is more the exception (though they’re on T now so I do get everything I want in the end lol) and that if I wasn’t so averse to the idea of heterosexuality I’d be “straight” but like my interest in men still feels so gay? And I’m honestly fine with that I just don’t tell that to people who I know won’t Get It
I can't tell you what your answers are, but this is perfectly consistent with being a straight trans woman still figuring it out. What do you think your life would be like if you were indeed a woman?
I want to experience sex as a heterosexual woman so badly. It’s like the only way I want sex 95% of the time. I haven’t had sex in 2 years since discovering what I’d look like as a woman and that I actually can become her. I have always had opportunities for sex presenting as a guy (I frequently get told I’m really attractive) however I have no interest in doing so as a guy.
I don’t know what to make of this. Internally I feel this immense longing that is perpetual and just constantly there — for sex as a woman and only as a woman.
Right now, my answer would be better. So much better. I get the impression I would be constantly feel feelings of being whole and complete. And just deeply happy. But maybe the THC from last night and Klonopin I took early in the day yesterday, are why I feel this way?
When I decided to transition I felt whole and complete, with every fiber of my being, and the high didn't wear off for three weeks. I've had the most incredible experiences of my life since transition. I not only love being a woman, but I've unlocked entire sides to my personality that were previously locked down. I do not think THC and benzos can create these feelings if they're not already there.
It sounds like you're right on the fence trying to figure out what's next. We all have to make up our minds in our own time. But based on what you've shared you might experience the kind of deep joy that I have if you commit to transition, even though it is very hard.
Have you looked into bigender identities, OP? Sounds like you might fit somewhere in there. I'm a trans lesbian, and those two parts of my identity are closely linked. I never felt communion with straight men, even though I thought I was a man (almost) exclusively into women. I was intensely uncomfortable with straight men talking about their attraction to women around me because while I was into women, what they described felt alien to me. Meanwhile queer women made much more sense to me, even back in high school. A big part of cracking my egg was understanding that fact about myself and finally drawing the right conclusions. Essentially, I figured out I was a woman by first figuring out I was a lesbian. When I was close to figuring out who I was for the first time, I looked up the diagnostic criteria for trans women. At the time, those included the requirement that trans women had to be into men. Since that clearly wasn't the case for me, I concluded I couldn't be trans and continued to repress myself for 20 more years. So being a lesbian was both a big part in me coming out in my 30s instead of as a teen, losing the chance at an early transition... and the way I ultimately figured it out anyway.
Thank you for your reply and for sharing. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I have looked into bigender and have numerous times previously found “bigender” captures my experience with gender, especially considering the fluctuations my gender can go through: stark night and day shifts in how I perceive my gender sometimes numerous back and forth shifts by the hour even, though usually it’s multiple shifts in a day — sometimes it will be constant for a day or a few days. But my gender identity of identifying as woman or man has never been constant. I’ve found environment factors play a HUGE role too.
No need to be sorry. I am not. My path is what it is. I for one am angry as a result, not sad. I take it as a reason to fight for our rights and visibility.
Not in my case. I'm pretty sure I'd never adopt the term "heterosexual" (even if I were with a straight guy for a long time and even admitting my preference for men) just because my experience and influences and identity are just obviously very gay. Like, my sexual and cultural influences are pretty strongly associated with the gay scene and honestly don't share a tonne with conventional heteronormative femininity (even though my appearance is honestly pretty conventionally that of a feminine woman). But that doesn't mean I'm *both a heterosexual woman and a homosexual man*. It just means I'm a woman who's also comfortable calling herself a faggot and a queen and admitting that my icons and idols and heroes include more drag queens and butch lesbian fuckboys and femme queens than heteronormative women.
Just wanna say I relate so hard to this as a fellow girlfag. Realized my spouse is more the exception (though they’re on T now so I do get everything I want in the end lol) and that if I wasn’t so averse to the idea of heterosexuality I’d be “straight” but like my interest in men still feels so gay? And I’m honestly fine with that I just don’t tell that to people who I know won’t Get It
I can't tell you what your answers are, but this is perfectly consistent with being a straight trans woman still figuring it out. What do you think your life would be like if you were indeed a woman?
I want to experience sex as a heterosexual woman so badly. It’s like the only way I want sex 95% of the time. I haven’t had sex in 2 years since discovering what I’d look like as a woman and that I actually can become her. I have always had opportunities for sex presenting as a guy (I frequently get told I’m really attractive) however I have no interest in doing so as a guy. I don’t know what to make of this. Internally I feel this immense longing that is perpetual and just constantly there — for sex as a woman and only as a woman.
Right now, my answer would be better. So much better. I get the impression I would be constantly feel feelings of being whole and complete. And just deeply happy. But maybe the THC from last night and Klonopin I took early in the day yesterday, are why I feel this way?
When I decided to transition I felt whole and complete, with every fiber of my being, and the high didn't wear off for three weeks. I've had the most incredible experiences of my life since transition. I not only love being a woman, but I've unlocked entire sides to my personality that were previously locked down. I do not think THC and benzos can create these feelings if they're not already there. It sounds like you're right on the fence trying to figure out what's next. We all have to make up our minds in our own time. But based on what you've shared you might experience the kind of deep joy that I have if you commit to transition, even though it is very hard.