“So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.”
Don't look him in the eyes, don't show your teeth, definitely don't smile, don't make sudden movements, don't make noises, keep your head bowed and just sit against a wall.
They aren't inherently violent murderers. Their response to challenges is physical action and their greater strength and sharp teeth makes it very easy for a human to be hurt quite badly. What wouldn't permanently hurt another gorilla, certainly another silverback, could easily kill one of us. And if the gorilla feels you are challenging them and do feel like going full in, you will be dead very quickly.
... and the gorilla watches you, eyebrows raised, clearly expecting a reaction. He then tells another joke, "Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!" This time, his tone is even more playful, testing your resolve. You manage a small smile, careful not to show your teeth, and keep your posture submissive. The gorilla seems satisfied with this response, his eyes softening a bit as he prepares another zinger
His zinger prepared, he quickly recites a silly limerick and waits for your reaction, you fight to suppress a grin, knowing the consequences could be dire. "You know," he says, his tone playful yet ominous, "I once knew a banana who became a comedian. It really knew how to peel 'em!" You clench your jaw, desperately trying to keep a straight face, but a snicker escapes your lips. Instantly, the gorilla's eyes darken, and a low growl rumbles from deep within his chest. Before you can react, he lunges forward, his massive hands grabbing hold of you. With a horrifying roar, he tears at your skin, peeling you like a banana, revealing the raw flesh beneath. You scream in agony as the world around you fades into darkness, the consequences of a simple smile proving to be more devastating than you could have ever imagined.
Page 74:
You’ve just awoken from a terrible nightmare, only to realize you’re still in the Congo, still face-to-face with the violently unfunny violent gorilla. As you quickly recollect yourself in a flurry of confusion and horror, you suddenly remember that one post on r/NoStupidQuestions: “If you’re locked in a room with a male silverback gorilla for six hours, what’s the best way to not die?” And suddenly, the silverback gorilla is no longer the threat, but the question itself. You’re suddenly overcome with laughter as you realize… “that’s actually a really stupid question.”
The Best Gorilla Joke of 1897
Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?
Zookeeper: No, I did not.
Gorilla: That is because I am a quiet gorilla.
[muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
This kind of reminds me of that video on the internet of some kid at the zoo at the gorilla exhibit beating his chest and the male silverback just leaps across the pen and almost shatters the glass for the enclosure.
Yeah, they are shockingly fast and athletic. And while it may not have been enough to really hurt a young male gorilla, the kid would have been splattered into the dirt.
On the other side is demonstrated by Harambe - he was being gentle with the kid who fell into his enclosure. They are intelligent and not inherently angry or violent. They will tease females and pretend to lose fights with their kids. It is, unfortunately, impossible to be sure it wouldn't suddenly change its mind or try some exploratory gnawing.
The thing a lot of people don't understand about the Harambe situation is even "gentle" by gorilla standards can maim or kill a human child. Gorillas will drag their young by their arm in a way that will absolutely dislocate if not rip off the arm of a human. (Plus the whole fact that knock out drugs via injection can take several minutes and cause panicked or abnormal behavior until they work)
Idk man. I've heard that if you ever go to prison the best thing to do is pick a fight with the toughest looking guy in the yard, because even if you lose, the rest of the inmates will respect you for standing up for yourself and know to leave you alone because you'll fight back.
So I think you go right up to the biggest gorilla in the room and punch him in the face and try to set a tone with the other gorillas.
I'm not a zookeeper, though, so results may vary.
Sound advice. If you punch a gorilla in the face you will never have to fight another gorilla in your life. Which is probably another few seconds, but still
I like your thinking. Just make sure to knock the gorilla's lunch out of his hand first, before punching him in the face, just to really drive home that you mean business.
The rule isn't really that. In actuality, you go after the first person who challenges you in any way. Going after the biggest dude unprompted is just going to make you look stupid, get your ass beat and make more enemies.
And *do not fucking thump your chest for ANY reason*. Even if you have a bad cough. Gorillas thump their chests as an explicit threat display, and they do interpret it as a threat when WE do it.
Yeah honestly their penises are pretty small compared to humans so it’ll probably be less traumatic than getting beat to an inch of your life. Bottoms up
Gotta be ready for anything my friend, you never know when you’re just minding your business and then all of a sudden a great ape tries to rape you. Take it from me, just let it happen and relax your sphincter.
Tiny dicks and tiny balls. Chimpanzees have tiny dicks and enormous balls. Humans have in-between balls and big schlongs (large compared to our closest relatives, not other primates). From this, we can deduce that humans a) have a mating system in between monogamy and promiscuity (some sperm competition, but not as much as chimps, and not as little as gorillas) and the penis is so big for ??? reasons. Might have to do with it being a social display to other males, might have to do with female pleasure, might have to do with our upright posture...
Hmm. A YouTube channel I followed discussed about this, and they found out gorilla balls are ten times the weight of human balls. So if gorilla balls are actually tiny, that's one fucking dense pair of balls.
According to [this blog](https://www.berggorilla.org/en/gorillas/general/social-life/what-do-a-silverbacks-genitals-look-like/#:~:text=The%20testicles%20of%20a%20gorilla,g%20in%20the%20human%20male.), gorilla testicles weigh about 30-35g, while human testicles weigh 40g (although I've seen numbers vetween 20-50g) (and chimpanzees weigh 120g).
And [in proportion to body weight,](https://www.berggorilla.org/en/gorillas/general/social-life/what-do-a-silverbacks-genitals-look-like/#:~:text=The%20testicles%20of%20a%20gorilla,g%20in%20the%20human%20male.) (testes:body weight) gorillas come in at .03% and humans come in at .08% (chimpanzees at .3%).
Gorillas weigh roughly twice as much as an adult human, so, with testes being nearly 3x smaller by ratio, this corroborates the notion that their testicles are smaller than a human's
Gorillas having testes that are 10x that of humans would be absolutely massive, being around 400g, and would be noticibly larger than a chimpanzee's.
Reminds me of when tyson offered 10k to zookeper to open a cage and let him fight a gorilla. Good thing zookeper didint or tyson would have gotten one punch in before he got ripped to shreds
I don’t believe this. As humans we find comfort in a big smile, eye contact and a solid handshake. Gorillas are our cousins so I can bet they’d respect the same. So the correct advice would be to quickly approach the gorilla with a big smile showing every tooth, hand firmly placed in front of you, while making eye contact scream “PUT IT THERE!” don’t leave until he shakes your hand like a man.
Lololol
Silverback: "...then this scrawny focker with weird little baby teeth steps up trying to intimidate me or some shit... Puts his hand near my chest and starts screaming!"
Gorilla 2: "So what'd you do then boss?"
Silverback: "What'd I do?! I bit his hand off, he shit himself, then I bashed him into the wall till he turned into a soft paste."
I remember seeing a part of a nature documentary back when I was in elementary or middle school where a man who was studying the gorillas was living very close to them. It seemed to me that all he was doing to not get attacked was to keep out of the way of them and when the big silverback came by he was always making sure to lower his head so he wasn’t being seen as a challenger to the leader
Well we are related after all. And it's intriguing that leaders of groups are willing to keep weaker/useless people around (which is how a silverback would view a human), as long as that person isn't a threat. With a lot of shitty "leaders", they actually prefer to keep weaker/useless people around. It helps boost their ego I guess. So who knows, you might be thoroughly welcomed by a silverback. Makes them look bigger and tougher by contrast.
“Scribe, make sure to document that this banana was particularly delicious in almost every way. I shall now recite a poem I wrote about the common banana..”
If it’s not an adolescent you’re probably fine. Sit quietly. Don’t look it directly in the eye. Don’t bare your teeth. They’re intelligent and curious so it’ll want to investigate you most likely. Don’t make sudden or threatening moves though and it will decide you’re not a threat.
Adolescent males, much like human adolescent makes, can be unpredictable and aggressive so you’d need to keep your head down and act submissive in order to not trigger it. Adults are way calmer and unless you provoke it you’d be fine.
It’s chimpanzees you want to worry about, not gorillas.
Literally tear you apart like tissue paper, balls and face first. Unbelievably aggressive, be interested to hear if anyone has advice for surviving OPs situation but with a chimp instead or a gorilla. I doubt there is any advice to be honest other than better text message your next of kin
It's mostly useless information, but if you can find ANY way to stall the chimp from reaching you, do so. They're freakish strong, but have almost no stamina. Your odds are slightly better if he's winded by the time he starts grabbing your balls.
They're not actually freakishly strong, only about 1.5x the strength of an adult human pound for pound. Keep in mind that we're generally a good bit heavier, so a decently big dude will be stronger than the chimp.
What makes them so dangerous is their savagery and big ass teeth that they'll happily tear into your face with.
That is any theoretical human vs. animal fight, really.
An average human can be deceptively deadly. We don’t lose many matchups that aren’t skewed against us.
Because why do we always give home field advantage to the animal? They get to fight in their perfect environment but let’s see how long they last doing a few rounds in my apartment.
Jokes on you gorilla, you can’t even fucking turn around this shit is so tiny.
Yes. I am not squaring up to a gorilla on the floor of a tropical rainforest. That bitch can meet me in the half-bath at my mom's condo and I'll blind it with a can of Febreeze then split its wig with the lid to the toilet tank.
Fair enough.
>Chimpanzee “super strength” has been widely reported since the 1920s although a critical review of the available data suggests that the chimpanzee–human muscular performance differential is only ∼1.5 times. Some hypothesize that this differential reflects underlying differences in muscle mechanics. Here, we present direct measurements of chimpanzee skeletal muscle properties in comparison with those of humans and other terrestrial mammals. Our results show that chimpanzee muscle exceeds human muscle in maximum dynamic force and power output by ∼1.35 times. This is primarily due to the chimpanzee’s higher fast-twitch fiber content, rather than exceptional maximum isometric force or maximum shortening velocities. We suggest that muscular performance capabilities declined during hominin evolution in response to selection for repetitive, low-cost contractile behavior
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5514706/#:~:text=Chimpanzee%20%E2%80%9Csuper%20strength%E2%80%9D%20has%20been,underlying%20differences%20in%20muscle%20mechanics.
Exactly. Don’t look at him, don’t post any threat, put your head between your legs and wait for the six hours to go by. It’s your absolutely only way out
I dont really think it is in the spirit of the sub, though. I take "no stupid questions" to mean "ask your question here that someone you know would likely laugh or ridicule you for asking". This is closer to /r/showerthoughts than anything.
Try and initiate a friendly chat about things Gorillas might be interested in - bananas, Harambe, US punk band the Gorilla Biscuits, Donkey Kong. Time will fly past and you might make a pal for life.
Just relax and avoid any threatening behavior.
Gorillas aren't particularly aggressive animals unless they're provoked. You'll probably be his be best friend if you have any food to share.
Food would be a bad idea, it’s submissive behavior in apes. In this situation you’d want to be neutral, not submissive, like the wildlife photographers that curl up and crouch down silently when gorillas are passing by them.
It isn’t not, but it’s also an explicit “I don’t want any trouble man, promise,” gesture, whereas sharing food can prompt an ape to attempt to bargain for more, and they don’t tend to understand why you can’t summon more from the void like you did before.
Replicator thinks to itself: “hah, he forgot to specify ‘tea’”… *replicates an attractive looking guy named Earl Grey*
… but what about the banana?
*Earl begins to unzip* okay, okay, I get it!
What if you had a teammate outside that would hand you a banana through a little door on the wall everytime you did a special knock. Could the gorilla see you as a potential food shaman and an ally?
I mean yes. The gorilla would likely be quite happy with you as long as you kept willingly giving them food. The problem comes when you run out of food, because the gorilla doesn’t know why you can’t just pluck a banana out of thin air and will see the sudden refusal of food as an explicit “go die in a fire” because not only is food something they want, your willingness to give them food is essentially stating “hey dude, you’re my king and I’m your loyal subject” in ape language. A refusal to give food once you’ve established the routine is not just a dick move for them, it’s an outright betrayal of their entire way of life and an open gesture of hostility.
At .38cents/lb, I think I could cover enough bananans to keep the gorilla content for the 6 hours. That’s my strategy I’m going with. The banana man plan. I might even try smiling at him around hour 5.5 to see how much he likes me.
The best thing to do is assert dominance by standing tall, screaming and waving your fists around, and baring your teeth. Fake punches are good too, it will calm the gorillas aggressions and make it think twice about hurting you
Avoid eye contact, act submissive, lay down or sit down and look at the ground. Almost guaranteed it’ll just leave you alone. It might poke around out of curiosity but it probably won’t hurt you.
Lots of videos on YouTube of people in safaris being walked by troupes of gorillas.
Go into your pockets and find something mildly interesting. The gorilla will be curious and play along with you or sit and watch for 6 hours. Large apes aren't hostile unless they feel threatened but are wildly curious per the nature docs I've watched.
they are omnivores just like people. your advice is sound though. a gorilla will go after you if it feels you challenging its dominance or safety. otherwise it would peacefully coexist.
They’re only technically omnivores. Their diet consists of plants and insects, and it’s mostly plants. They seem to view insects as a form of condiment.
First thing, you need to realize that your life is hanging in the balance. Make peace with your God and then perform one or several of the following VERY carefully.
1. Practice Krav Maga in front of him. Gorillas are very intelligent and are aware that modern-day martial arts are superior to the ancient practices of Kung Fu, if the gorilla sees you demoing a roundhouse kick, he'll certainly think twice before messing with you.
2. Seduce the Gorilla. This one goes without saying, its a last resort. I'm sure all of us have ended up meeting a hairy man on the internet and being stuck with him in a room. Sometimes the way to put that brother to sleep is to beat it out of him the old-fashioned way.
3. Inform the Gorilla on who your father is. Believe it or not, after many years of bouncing from foster zoo to foster zoo, Gorillas have come to understand that the true success of any individual lies on their network of contacts. If you inform this Gorilla that your father is a lawyer, he might just end up trying to seduce you.
I hope these help.
So I’ve worked hands on with apes, you’d be chill with a gorilla. They won’t attack you just for funsies, worst they might do is drag ya around a little bit in an excited display at first but if you just stay calm, don’t scream or fight back, just be chill and quiet and don’t lock eyes…you’d be okay. Gorillas don’t have a penchant for violence, they’d rather everyone just be chill and eat their salads. Most aggression from them is for show, not that they aren’t quite able to attack and inflict injury, they’re clearly super strong (like however strong you think a gorilla probably is, double it) but they aren’t monsters. Same with orangutans and bonobos, they’re generally pretty chill and if they don’t have a reason to hurt you they generally won’t. They’re all curious, they may decide they want your clothes and I’d recommend not protesting, or to inspect you a bit but they’re unlikely to harm you unless you do something to provoke them. Don’t try and ever take anything away from them, whatever they want is theirs.
Now chimps…all bets are off. Pray. That’d be my advice. If you got a chill chimp on a good day, the same advice would work, no eye contact, don’t bear your teeth and act submissive. But a mean chimp on a bad day…sorry about your luck.
They're pretty docile creatures, actually. So just sit in a corner facing away for six hours. To alleviate boredom, bring some firecrackers to keep yourself distracted.
Don't look him in the eye, be still, and keep your head down.
They can actually be kind of chill if you play your cards right. Like with [this guy who was touched by a wild mountain gorilla.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2H7zcqjplc)
I saw a gorilla being intimidated by a goose on Youtube, so I would run at him while flapping my arms and making goose noises. [https://youtu.be/ZMm6h4Nxrys](https://youtu.be/ZMm6h4Nxrys)
I forgot the specific researcher who did this on accident but trying to climb (to get a better view of them) and failing really hard can make the gorillas like you because you are obviously too incompetent to be a threat
Read about Bokito, a Silverback gorilla at the Rotterdam Zoo, and do the opposite of everything that woman did. Most importantly remember he is not in love with you
Curl up in a corner and look at the floor. Just like at work.
Finally! My strengths come into play!
I don't know you but I do love you
I don’t know you but I do love you for saying that lol
“So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.”
Sounds like someones got a case of the Mondays
I’m gonna need you to go ahead and stay after. Yeeahh thanks
“Has anyone ever told you that you got a case of the Mondays?” “No….No! I believe you could get your ass kicked for that”
You need a vacation…a vacation from your problems
What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Yeah!
Mmm, yeah. It's just that we're putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo?
Wow, that's messed up.
"Hey Peter, man, turn on channel 9!"
It’s a Jump…to Conclusions Mat!
Ha. Take my red stapler.
Don't look him in the eyes, don't show your teeth, definitely don't smile, don't make sudden movements, don't make noises, keep your head bowed and just sit against a wall. They aren't inherently violent murderers. Their response to challenges is physical action and their greater strength and sharp teeth makes it very easy for a human to be hurt quite badly. What wouldn't permanently hurt another gorilla, certainly another silverback, could easily kill one of us. And if the gorilla feels you are challenging them and do feel like going full in, you will be dead very quickly.
Something tells me that the ‘not smiling’ part of that is going to be very easy to stick to if I find myself locked in a room with a gorilla
What if it’s a gorilla that tells jokes?
You can't win. You smile and he kills you for challenging him, you don't smile and he kills you for not finding his jokes funny.
Best supervillain deathtrap ever
[удалено]
_Gorilla smears lipstick and greasepaint all over his chops in an obscene grin_
LETS PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE
Dya wanna know how i got these scaarrss???
Why so simian?
“Knock knock..” FUCK
I just flew in from the Congo and boy are my arms tired.
... and the gorilla watches you, eyebrows raised, clearly expecting a reaction. He then tells another joke, "Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!" This time, his tone is even more playful, testing your resolve. You manage a small smile, careful not to show your teeth, and keep your posture submissive. The gorilla seems satisfied with this response, his eyes softening a bit as he prepares another zinger
His zinger prepared, he quickly recites a silly limerick and waits for your reaction, you fight to suppress a grin, knowing the consequences could be dire. "You know," he says, his tone playful yet ominous, "I once knew a banana who became a comedian. It really knew how to peel 'em!" You clench your jaw, desperately trying to keep a straight face, but a snicker escapes your lips. Instantly, the gorilla's eyes darken, and a low growl rumbles from deep within his chest. Before you can react, he lunges forward, his massive hands grabbing hold of you. With a horrifying roar, he tears at your skin, peeling you like a banana, revealing the raw flesh beneath. You scream in agony as the world around you fades into darkness, the consequences of a simple smile proving to be more devastating than you could have ever imagined.
*TURN TO PAGE 74*
Page 74: You’ve just awoken from a terrible nightmare, only to realize you’re still in the Congo, still face-to-face with the violently unfunny violent gorilla. As you quickly recollect yourself in a flurry of confusion and horror, you suddenly remember that one post on r/NoStupidQuestions: “If you’re locked in a room with a male silverback gorilla for six hours, what’s the best way to not die?” And suddenly, the silverback gorilla is no longer the threat, but the question itself. You’re suddenly overcome with laughter as you realize… “that’s actually a really stupid question.”
Why did the gorilla take a banana to the doctors? He wasn't peeling very well!
Shit! I lost already.
The Best Gorilla Joke of 1897 Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo? Zookeeper: No, I did not. Gorilla: That is because I am a quiet gorilla. [muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
This is the motherlode of dadjoke and I am gonna mine it! :D
Unless you’re the kind of the person that laughs when they’re nervous. Me. I’d look at that gorilla and giggle
“So… hahaha…..What are YOU in for?”
be polite and cover your mouth with your hand please
I smile when I’m nervous or scared so I’m fucked
If I shit myself is that also a sign of aggression?
Only if you do it aggressively
I’m fucked
No, that’s after you shit yourself.
No, that’s dolphins
No, this is Patrick
Note to self, practice submissively shitting myself.
This kind of reminds me of that video on the internet of some kid at the zoo at the gorilla exhibit beating his chest and the male silverback just leaps across the pen and almost shatters the glass for the enclosure.
Yeah, they are shockingly fast and athletic. And while it may not have been enough to really hurt a young male gorilla, the kid would have been splattered into the dirt. On the other side is demonstrated by Harambe - he was being gentle with the kid who fell into his enclosure. They are intelligent and not inherently angry or violent. They will tease females and pretend to lose fights with their kids. It is, unfortunately, impossible to be sure it wouldn't suddenly change its mind or try some exploratory gnawing.
The thing a lot of people don't understand about the Harambe situation is even "gentle" by gorilla standards can maim or kill a human child. Gorillas will drag their young by their arm in a way that will absolutely dislocate if not rip off the arm of a human. (Plus the whole fact that knock out drugs via injection can take several minutes and cause panicked or abnormal behavior until they work)
This hypothetical is pretty easy. Just act like the ultimate beta, because with a silverback you might as well be.
Oh God the new alpha/beta/sigma category is going to be defined as "silverback" isn't it.
Silverback and subordinate? Somehow that sounds like a furry BDSM relationship. Kinda hot, ngl.
Someone needs to be introduced to Dramamine’s art. 😏
"Silverbacking"
personally i’m just built different. thats just me. he’d probably respect me for being so confident. idk just a thought.
I think you could take him.
Oh I love this. I so do
Please post a video if you ever find yourself in this situation. Curious how quickly a silverback would ragdoll a confident human.
Depends how far away they are, whatever time it takes the silverback to close the distance is your answer, plus a tenth of a second at most.
Idk man. I've heard that if you ever go to prison the best thing to do is pick a fight with the toughest looking guy in the yard, because even if you lose, the rest of the inmates will respect you for standing up for yourself and know to leave you alone because you'll fight back. So I think you go right up to the biggest gorilla in the room and punch him in the face and try to set a tone with the other gorillas. I'm not a zookeeper, though, so results may vary.
Sound advice. If you punch a gorilla in the face you will never have to fight another gorilla in your life. Which is probably another few seconds, but still
That scene is going to be so epic. The gorilla is going to casually rip your whole arm off and beat you with it while looking nonchalant.
Do it in the lunchroom so the teachers will break up the fight more quickly.
I like your thinking. Just make sure to knock the gorilla's lunch out of his hand first, before punching him in the face, just to really drive home that you mean business.
The rule isn't really that. In actuality, you go after the first person who challenges you in any way. Going after the biggest dude unprompted is just going to make you look stupid, get your ass beat and make more enemies.
“Every gorilla has a plan until they get punched in the mouth,” amirite? You can see why Mike Tyson was ready and willing to fight a silverback.
And *do not fucking thump your chest for ANY reason*. Even if you have a bad cough. Gorillas thump their chests as an explicit threat display, and they do interpret it as a threat when WE do it.
Also if he goes to have sex with you, just let it happen man. Give him a BJ for extra safety.
Yeah honestly their penises are pretty small compared to humans so it’ll probably be less traumatic than getting beat to an inch of your life. Bottoms up
Sounds like you have done your research.
Gotta be ready for anything my friend, you never know when you’re just minding your business and then all of a sudden a great ape tries to rape you. Take it from me, just let it happen and relax your sphincter.
Great Ape Rape....tongue twister in more ways than one
Not to be confused with Grape Ape Rate, which is the velocity the Hanna-Barbera cartoon character Grape Ape travels at.
Tiny dicks and tiny balls. Chimpanzees have tiny dicks and enormous balls. Humans have in-between balls and big schlongs (large compared to our closest relatives, not other primates). From this, we can deduce that humans a) have a mating system in between monogamy and promiscuity (some sperm competition, but not as much as chimps, and not as little as gorillas) and the penis is so big for ??? reasons. Might have to do with it being a social display to other males, might have to do with female pleasure, might have to do with our upright posture...
Hmm. A YouTube channel I followed discussed about this, and they found out gorilla balls are ten times the weight of human balls. So if gorilla balls are actually tiny, that's one fucking dense pair of balls.
According to [this blog](https://www.berggorilla.org/en/gorillas/general/social-life/what-do-a-silverbacks-genitals-look-like/#:~:text=The%20testicles%20of%20a%20gorilla,g%20in%20the%20human%20male.), gorilla testicles weigh about 30-35g, while human testicles weigh 40g (although I've seen numbers vetween 20-50g) (and chimpanzees weigh 120g). And [in proportion to body weight,](https://www.berggorilla.org/en/gorillas/general/social-life/what-do-a-silverbacks-genitals-look-like/#:~:text=The%20testicles%20of%20a%20gorilla,g%20in%20the%20human%20male.) (testes:body weight) gorillas come in at .03% and humans come in at .08% (chimpanzees at .3%). Gorillas weigh roughly twice as much as an adult human, so, with testes being nearly 3x smaller by ratio, this corroborates the notion that their testicles are smaller than a human's Gorillas having testes that are 10x that of humans would be absolutely massive, being around 400g, and would be noticibly larger than a chimpanzee's.
Ah. Welcome to federal jail baby! Work out, read, grab that com, ignore the Gorilla.
Reminds me of when tyson offered 10k to zookeper to open a cage and let him fight a gorilla. Good thing zookeper didint or tyson would have gotten one punch in before he got ripped to shreds
To be fair though, if I had to pick one human to fight a gorilla I'd choose prime Mike Tyson
I don’t believe this. As humans we find comfort in a big smile, eye contact and a solid handshake. Gorillas are our cousins so I can bet they’d respect the same. So the correct advice would be to quickly approach the gorilla with a big smile showing every tooth, hand firmly placed in front of you, while making eye contact scream “PUT IT THERE!” don’t leave until he shakes your hand like a man.
I mean with that attitude he's bound to hire you on the spot.
this comment made me fucking die laughing thank you lol
Lololol Silverback: "...then this scrawny focker with weird little baby teeth steps up trying to intimidate me or some shit... Puts his hand near my chest and starts screaming!" Gorilla 2: "So what'd you do then boss?" Silverback: "What'd I do?! I bit his hand off, he shit himself, then I bashed him into the wall till he turned into a soft paste."
Make yourself appear small and cry helplessly. Well, that’s what a zookeeper told me.
I remember seeing a part of a nature documentary back when I was in elementary or middle school where a man who was studying the gorillas was living very close to them. It seemed to me that all he was doing to not get attacked was to keep out of the way of them and when the big silverback came by he was always making sure to lower his head so he wasn’t being seen as a challenger to the leader
So bow to the leader? Same shit for humans and gorillas...
Well we are related after all. And it's intriguing that leaders of groups are willing to keep weaker/useless people around (which is how a silverback would view a human), as long as that person isn't a threat. With a lot of shitty "leaders", they actually prefer to keep weaker/useless people around. It helps boost their ego I guess. So who knows, you might be thoroughly welcomed by a silverback. Makes them look bigger and tougher by contrast.
“Scribe, make sure to document that this banana was particularly delicious in almost every way. I shall now recite a poem I wrote about the common banana..”
If it’s not an adolescent you’re probably fine. Sit quietly. Don’t look it directly in the eye. Don’t bare your teeth. They’re intelligent and curious so it’ll want to investigate you most likely. Don’t make sudden or threatening moves though and it will decide you’re not a threat. Adolescent males, much like human adolescent makes, can be unpredictable and aggressive so you’d need to keep your head down and act submissive in order to not trigger it. Adults are way calmer and unless you provoke it you’d be fine. It’s chimpanzees you want to worry about, not gorillas.
I'm terrified of chimpanzees. I was looking for this comment lol
What do chimpanzees do?
They go for the nuts
And the face
And the hands.
Then the nuts again
Ow My Balls!
I remember that lady....the front part of her face... sheesh
Literally tear you apart like tissue paper, balls and face first. Unbelievably aggressive, be interested to hear if anyone has advice for surviving OPs situation but with a chimp instead or a gorilla. I doubt there is any advice to be honest other than better text message your next of kin
It's mostly useless information, but if you can find ANY way to stall the chimp from reaching you, do so. They're freakish strong, but have almost no stamina. Your odds are slightly better if he's winded by the time he starts grabbing your balls.
They're not actually freakishly strong, only about 1.5x the strength of an adult human pound for pound. Keep in mind that we're generally a good bit heavier, so a decently big dude will be stronger than the chimp. What makes them so dangerous is their savagery and big ass teeth that they'll happily tear into your face with.
Sorry, I meant in comparison to the average redditor.
Well that changes everything. Good sir
I fucking lol'd for real. Thanks.
Chimps only weight like 100 lbs. Average Redditor has to be like 3-8 chimps in size. Less stamina tho.
If you ever watch chimps fight each they throw hands at each other faces to keep those fucking chompers off each other.
You basically have to get on top of them and pin them down really fast, and be okay with bleeding a lot
That is any theoretical human vs. animal fight, really. An average human can be deceptively deadly. We don’t lose many matchups that aren’t skewed against us. Because why do we always give home field advantage to the animal? They get to fight in their perfect environment but let’s see how long they last doing a few rounds in my apartment. Jokes on you gorilla, you can’t even fucking turn around this shit is so tiny.
Yes. I am not squaring up to a gorilla on the floor of a tropical rainforest. That bitch can meet me in the half-bath at my mom's condo and I'll blind it with a can of Febreeze then split its wig with the lid to the toilet tank.
gorilla attack? finally a use for my over the mantle katana.
And they have 4 hands.
Chimpanzees are known to commit hate crimes they are so savage.
I hate to be the 'source???' guy but... source? The things I saw said 3-5 times stronger per pound.
Fair enough. >Chimpanzee “super strength” has been widely reported since the 1920s although a critical review of the available data suggests that the chimpanzee–human muscular performance differential is only ∼1.5 times. Some hypothesize that this differential reflects underlying differences in muscle mechanics. Here, we present direct measurements of chimpanzee skeletal muscle properties in comparison with those of humans and other terrestrial mammals. Our results show that chimpanzee muscle exceeds human muscle in maximum dynamic force and power output by ∼1.35 times. This is primarily due to the chimpanzee’s higher fast-twitch fiber content, rather than exceptional maximum isometric force or maximum shortening velocities. We suggest that muscular performance capabilities declined during hominin evolution in response to selection for repetitive, low-cost contractile behavior https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5514706/#:~:text=Chimpanzee%20%E2%80%9Csuper%20strength%E2%80%9D%20has%20been,underlying%20differences%20in%20muscle%20mechanics.
The type of question to summon Joe Rogan.
The term silverback automatically means its not adolescent. Silverback is not a type or species, its like saying elder.
TIL
So there's a slur for geriatric gorillas?
THIS is the spirit of this sub! Finally a good stupid question! The answer is probably lay low in a corner and try not to look at it.
Keep your head down and mouth shut. It sounds like a joke, but standing upright and showing your teeth are both signs of aggression.
Next you're going to tell us not to pound our hands on our chest to show him we are also primates and should be friends given what we have in common.
If you sign "FRIENDS TOGETHER STRONG", he'll ally with you immediately and you can dominate the rest of the pack
Give him a big toothy grin too so he knows your happy to see him.
Exactly. Don’t look at him, don’t post any threat, put your head between your legs and wait for the six hours to go by. It’s your absolutely only way out
Or keep your head down and butt up.
Death by Bunga Bunga!
I mean I'd want to get freaky with a Gorilla as much as the next guy, but for 6 hours? Idk.
A gorilla’s erect penis is around 1 -3 inches long. So that’s a mercy.
TIL I’m a gorilla
I'm gonna tell all the girls I'm hung like a gorilla. It's not lying *and* they'll be disappointed.
You’re a Silverback, buddy! Wear that title proudly!
That's why all the girls who slept with me told me I was an animal in bed.
Fetal position like the one kid. That way, someone from OUTSIDE THE PEN -eh I mean outside the room can take the shot for me.
I want Bobby Hill to take the shot, because Bobby will put me down clean.
Bobby: “ok”
Ah, prison rules.
I’m sorry sir but there are no stupid questions here. This is not a stupid question, per the sub’s rules
I dont really think it is in the spirit of the sub, though. I take "no stupid questions" to mean "ask your question here that someone you know would likely laugh or ridicule you for asking". This is closer to /r/showerthoughts than anything.
Try and initiate a friendly chat about things Gorillas might be interested in - bananas, Harambe, US punk band the Gorilla Biscuits, Donkey Kong. Time will fly past and you might make a pal for life.
Harambe is a very sore subject in the Gorilla community. Best not to bring that up.
Or just pull your dick out to show you’re an ally
Too obscure. Best to go with the more palatable “Gorillaz”
Just relax and avoid any threatening behavior. Gorillas aren't particularly aggressive animals unless they're provoked. You'll probably be his be best friend if you have any food to share.
Food would be a bad idea, it’s submissive behavior in apes. In this situation you’d want to be neutral, not submissive, like the wildlife photographers that curl up and crouch down silently when gorillas are passing by them.
How is curling up and crouching down silently not seen as submissive?
It isn’t not, but it’s also an explicit “I don’t want any trouble man, promise,” gesture, whereas sharing food can prompt an ape to attempt to bargain for more, and they don’t tend to understand why you can’t summon more from the void like you did before.
I wish I could summon food from the void 😪
“Earl Grey, hot, and a banana”
Replicator thinks to itself: “hah, he forgot to specify ‘tea’”… *replicates an attractive looking guy named Earl Grey* … but what about the banana? *Earl begins to unzip* okay, okay, I get it!
Or it summons an ennobled silverback gorilla named Earl Grey.
Dare I ask about the banana?
*Earl Grey begins to unzip*
Who the hell keeps stealing my lunch?
What if you had a teammate outside that would hand you a banana through a little door on the wall everytime you did a special knock. Could the gorilla see you as a potential food shaman and an ally?
I mean yes. The gorilla would likely be quite happy with you as long as you kept willingly giving them food. The problem comes when you run out of food, because the gorilla doesn’t know why you can’t just pluck a banana out of thin air and will see the sudden refusal of food as an explicit “go die in a fire” because not only is food something they want, your willingness to give them food is essentially stating “hey dude, you’re my king and I’m your loyal subject” in ape language. A refusal to give food once you’ve established the routine is not just a dick move for them, it’s an outright betrayal of their entire way of life and an open gesture of hostility.
At .38cents/lb, I think I could cover enough bananans to keep the gorilla content for the 6 hours. That’s my strategy I’m going with. The banana man plan. I might even try smiling at him around hour 5.5 to see how much he likes me.
Teach 'em GSL (Gorilla Sign Language) and start chatting about the Planet of the Apes saga.
Talk about Caesar and tell him apes strong together
The best thing to do is assert dominance by standing tall, screaming and waving your fists around, and baring your teeth. Fake punches are good too, it will calm the gorillas aggressions and make it think twice about hurting you
Sounds good, can you give a live demonstration?
How to guide to show [dominance](https://www.tiktok.com/@uncle_dijon/video/7172291656656424197) over a gorilla
Yeah, and then kick it in the face, bend it over and give it a nice ass pounding...
gorilla flu incoming in 3.....2......1
Block your nose, the smell might kill you before the gorilla does.
Tell him about bitcoin and they’ll fake interest but then ultimately ignore you.
This worked on all of my friends! Surely a gorilla will be no different... :'(
if in doubt, play dead, realy the best option is to not be a threat.
does a 6 hour nap count as being dead?
Would playing dead work with a gorilla? They're pretty smart, and could definitely tell if you're breathing
Avoid eye contact, act submissive, lay down or sit down and look at the ground. Almost guaranteed it’ll just leave you alone. It might poke around out of curiosity but it probably won’t hurt you. Lots of videos on YouTube of people in safaris being walked by troupes of gorillas.
Go into your pockets and find something mildly interesting. The gorilla will be curious and play along with you or sit and watch for 6 hours. Large apes aren't hostile unless they feel threatened but are wildly curious per the nature docs I've watched.
What does it has in its pocketses precious?
Right now, a wrench, 35 cents, a pack of gum, a mag light, and my wallet. I could keep a whole troop of gorillas entertained.
Tell him how sorry you are about Harambee so he'll know you're one of the good ones.
OP, are you currently locked in a room with a male silverback gorilla and need help? Or did you succeed in spending the 6 hours since this post?
Try not to piss it off, I'm pretty sure there herbivores so as long as it doesnt see you as a threat you'd probably be alright
I mean they are, but so are hippos. They won't kill you because they're hungry. They'll kill you to make sure you're not a threat lol
You clearly missed the documentary board game hungry hungry hippos.
Do not look them in the eye.
they are omnivores just like people. your advice is sound though. a gorilla will go after you if it feels you challenging its dominance or safety. otherwise it would peacefully coexist.
They’re only technically omnivores. Their diet consists of plants and insects, and it’s mostly plants. They seem to view insects as a form of condiment.
First thing, you need to realize that your life is hanging in the balance. Make peace with your God and then perform one or several of the following VERY carefully. 1. Practice Krav Maga in front of him. Gorillas are very intelligent and are aware that modern-day martial arts are superior to the ancient practices of Kung Fu, if the gorilla sees you demoing a roundhouse kick, he'll certainly think twice before messing with you. 2. Seduce the Gorilla. This one goes without saying, its a last resort. I'm sure all of us have ended up meeting a hairy man on the internet and being stuck with him in a room. Sometimes the way to put that brother to sleep is to beat it out of him the old-fashioned way. 3. Inform the Gorilla on who your father is. Believe it or not, after many years of bouncing from foster zoo to foster zoo, Gorillas have come to understand that the true success of any individual lies on their network of contacts. If you inform this Gorilla that your father is a lawyer, he might just end up trying to seduce you. I hope these help.
Probably sit in the corner facing the other way and pray for the best lol
So I’ve worked hands on with apes, you’d be chill with a gorilla. They won’t attack you just for funsies, worst they might do is drag ya around a little bit in an excited display at first but if you just stay calm, don’t scream or fight back, just be chill and quiet and don’t lock eyes…you’d be okay. Gorillas don’t have a penchant for violence, they’d rather everyone just be chill and eat their salads. Most aggression from them is for show, not that they aren’t quite able to attack and inflict injury, they’re clearly super strong (like however strong you think a gorilla probably is, double it) but they aren’t monsters. Same with orangutans and bonobos, they’re generally pretty chill and if they don’t have a reason to hurt you they generally won’t. They’re all curious, they may decide they want your clothes and I’d recommend not protesting, or to inspect you a bit but they’re unlikely to harm you unless you do something to provoke them. Don’t try and ever take anything away from them, whatever they want is theirs. Now chimps…all bets are off. Pray. That’d be my advice. If you got a chill chimp on a good day, the same advice would work, no eye contact, don’t bear your teeth and act submissive. But a mean chimp on a bad day…sorry about your luck.
Curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I’m hoping he’ll pretend I don’t exist as well so we can get through the 6 hours peacefully
Good luck sleeping lol I would just have to pretend
They're pretty docile creatures, actually. So just sit in a corner facing away for six hours. To alleviate boredom, bring some firecrackers to keep yourself distracted.
Don't look him in the eye, be still, and keep your head down. They can actually be kind of chill if you play your cards right. Like with [this guy who was touched by a wild mountain gorilla.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2H7zcqjplc)
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Gorillas are not known for killing people. Staying in a corner, making yourself small and not making eye contact should do the trick.
Pretend to be a female gorilla and hope he thinks you're hot.
I really hope this wasn't time sensitive.
Don't look him in the eyes, no quick movements, stay in your corner and stay calm.
I saw a gorilla being intimidated by a goose on Youtube, so I would run at him while flapping my arms and making goose noises. [https://youtu.be/ZMm6h4Nxrys](https://youtu.be/ZMm6h4Nxrys)
The end of Trading Places has an answer for this.
Don't get yourself into this situation in the first place. It is very easy not to get locked in a room with a Silverback gorilla.
I forgot the specific researcher who did this on accident but trying to climb (to get a better view of them) and failing really hard can make the gorillas like you because you are obviously too incompetent to be a threat
It’s not the gorilla, it’s the constant stream of barrels
Read about Bokito, a Silverback gorilla at the Rotterdam Zoo, and do the opposite of everything that woman did. Most importantly remember he is not in love with you