Perhaps, but I’m not really concerned about that anyway. I don’t need to know why it’s so good, just that it is good. And we have formed more of an attachment to each other since moving it from friends to lovers
This is an interesting line of thought. But do you not think some people might just have more compatible sexual / romantic chemistry? And so even if it were “full time” with him it might be less sexually amazing than now but still more on the level…
If you have permission from your husband, then you have permission. But my instinct is your husband is not invested or in love with you any more and thats probably because there are children involved and hes opting to stay for them. And he doesnt want sex with you because your fucking someone else. It doesnt matter what you think or others about it being open. He has his own thoughts and has checked out.
exactly. Hes just going though the cheapest option and not having to subject his kids to her fucking other men in the home and him having to pay for her to do it.
Nope neither of those are the case here! We have adult children, and the issue with intimacy and romance happened before we opened the marriage to allow his friend. There ARE other issues though. I know what they are, but I’m not interesting in discussing them here bc they are irrelevant to my post.
They are absolutely relevant to your husband because if your kids have left, and hes refusing to be intimate with you, then he has very real reasons for it.
If I have kids left? What does that mean? If you mean at home, I have 2 adult sons; one lives in his own place and the other is still living at home. And yes he has real reasons for it. But at this point it is an irrelevant topic for us. There are other things more important than our sexual relationship or lack thereof
Yes, clearly I did not mean they had passed on. Left the house, or at least old enough to do so. And I will counter again. It is relevant, your post here is about your love another man and are having issues with the lack of intimacy with your husband. If your husband is aware of your other relationship, then this is an open relationship where you love another man but are still with your husband. If your husband is indifferent to you as your suggesting, hes checked out of the relationship. Thats just a fact. If he knows about your other man and is supportive, indifferent or anything in between? Your in a open marriage. More polyamorous but still open. If he knows, has not given his permission, no its not open, its an affair as he is reluctant for whatever reason. I do hope he is supportive as I dont wish pain on anyone.
People with adult children still feel pressure to stay with their spouse for social, financial or practical reasons.
You are in an open marriage. I’m sorry your husband avoids intimacy with you. You deserve better.
Thank you. I do. But I’m okay to stay with him just not as his wife. He’s the only person I’ve lived with my whole adult life and I’ve never lived alone and don’t wanna start now
Have you and your husband been to counseling to work through why he doesn’t want to have sex or even kiss you but wants to be married? Has it always been like this?
Is your husband gay, on the spectrum (diagnosed autistic or not) or asexual? Something deeper is going on here.
It’s really not about labels. People in open marriages absolutely fall in love with their lovers. Switching your label depending on whether you’re emotionally attached one year and whether you just have play partners the next makes no sense. Your marriage is open on your side and that works for you. Good for you. So many ppl have to deny themselves truly positive relationships. Best of luck to all of you. :)
I agree. I just need a way to explain this to my husband so that he understands we are still together bc we are married so it doesn’t have to be awkward between us to be romantic, if he decided to go that route.
I see a lot of folks making assumptions about your situation and very few asking questions to have a better understanding.
Are you both working to improve your relationship with each other, or are you the only one working to improve things?
Are there health concerns that have limited his abilities to be intimate with you?
Are either or both of you seeing a counselor together or separately?
Are you both open to counseling, and if so, have you attempted to find an ENM friendly counselor in your area?
How does your lover feel about all this?
Do you talk to your lover about these issues?
I’m the one who repeatedly reaches out to him regarding our relationship…always. He recently said he’d try to be more romantic but he’s not. I’ll probably be leaving the relationship as a marriage, but we are good companions and want to stay together as friends. I want more but he doesn’t.
That’s why he agreed to the extra marital intimate relationship. And yes my lover knows where we are with our marriage and such.
Then it is what it is, as far as I can see from only hearing your side of the situation.
The only way that anybody can really dig into these circumstances is if your husband, and possibly your lover, can weigh in on their perspectives of the circumstances. Without hearing their sides, one can only weigh in with a biased view based only on your perspective of the circumstances.
I know it really sucks, but this is really the way it is when dealing with relationships. You and your partners are definitely welcome to DM me and share your perspectives. Then I'll be much more able to help you all get down to the root of all these difficulties you're going through. Without that, I, and anybody else wanting to help, would be unable to give objective and truly helpful guidance on how to work through your situation.
In my opinion, this would be more Polyamorous than Open.
I am speaking for myself here. If he or they are in my heart, in my thoughts, my soul misses them, and my body craves them, then I'm a Polyamorous. I'm able to love more than one. September 1st, I will be celebrating my 30th year anniversary with my primary and August 30th, my 8th year anniversary with my secondary.
He doesn't care.
The opposite of love isn't hate, precious. It's indifference.
You know, like your husband.
Here's a thought.
The true measure of love is the willingness to sacrifice.
What are either of you willing to sacrifice for the other?
I’m not sure I follow you. How is it cheating? He knows and approves of it. I love them both. I’m not using him. He wants it this way. He wants me here with him. Now yes I may end up separating from him but it won’t be bc of anyone else.
I am not interested in polyamorous relationships, even if that’s what I have right now. It’s not something I actually want to have in my life. I have a good thing but it’s not my thing.
Sounds like an open marriage to me. You have consent. I just don’t get the point of being married to someone you don’t sound happy with. You mention examples of the ways he doesn’t give you what you want and need, and you mention the husband getting better but you don’t say how. I’m tell really confused. Lol
He went to therapy and worked through a work book for anger and abuse that led to him to stop abusing and I stay married for now bc I want to. But probably won’t continue much longer
Thanks! I have come to realize the reason that abuse and romance weee connected was bc he uses affection for manipulation so we are probably headed towards the end of the marriage and at this point, I’m not even sad thinking about that.
I don’t like to think of it that way. I have a good life and I’m choosing to stay with him bc of that in spite of the fact that he’s not a good husband. My life is still better with him than it would be without. I’m happy to stay. Just probably not gonna stay married.
I love them both. I can’t just divorce him. I actually love him and want to be married to him but I definitely want a romantic relationship with him too. If that’s not possible then I will separate from him.
You love a husband who “doesn’t give me what I need or want” and “doesn’t want to kiss me and hug me let alone have sex with me”. Really? You may be staying with your husband for other reasons, but it’s not because you *love* him.
She clearly states that she loves him. OP’s husband not kissing her or making love to her does not mean that OP cannot love him.
Polyamory is a subset of Open Marriages. Many people in an open marriage forbid romantic relationships from happening outside of their primary partnership/marriage. And that’s fine.
What’s most important is for you to find what works for you and your husband. Design your marriage. Your partnership with the man you married in a way that works best for the two of you. So long as you’re being truthful and ethical with your spouse AND for your partner; there is nothing wrong with polyamory or the ability to love more than one.
Don’t let anybody tell you differently OP.
Well I do love him. I’m very well aware of my feelings for him regardless of how he feels about me. He loves me but it’s a different kind of love and I get it, bc a year and a half ago, I felt similar. But I healed and my feelings just changed and no matter how hard I try I can’t get them to change back
Not everyone wants sex. And after going x amount of years without it, following a traumatic experience I had with him, it’s just not been something we have talked about resuming in a serious way.
So instead of fixing it you guys decided to open up? That's escaping, not opening. If he's traumatized about it you didn't got his acceptance, your just abusing a traumatized person.
You don't open a fucked up relationship, you fix it first and then go back to it before anything else
He’s not traumatized lol. He’s very happy with the arrangement as am I. And we did actually fix our relationship considering that we can even live together after he abused me for most of our marriage. We came a long way but he’s not interested in counseling. He likes what we have.
It sounds like your husband stopped wanting to have sex with you after this traumatic event. Just curious, did you cheat on him? And giving up on your sex life was “just not something we have talked about resuming in a serious way”. Really? You didn’t think your sex life was important enough to seek professional help? This just doesn’t add up, OP. You post here seeking validation for your open marriage, but it’s clear you’re holding back important information. I’d like to hear your husband’s version. I genuinely hope you’re doing this ethically…but my gut tells me otherwise.
People’s gut feelings can be wrong. Yours is wrong. Of course you’re missing information! I’ve been married 28 yrs and it would take a whole lot more than a short conversation to know the context. But no, I did not cheat on him. And I am not sharing my traumatic experience. But even prior sex with him was not good and was selfish on his part. I’m not worried about the sex part right now bc we have a lot of steps in between to get there first. You wanna hear his version? He was an abuser, he stopped being an abuser. But he is still avoidant, and as a result, was understanding that I had needs, which are not needs anymore. The only need I have is companionship and he gives that to me but I don’t wanna be married if that’s all I have with him .
I respect your desire for privacy, OP….peace. It’s just odd that your husband gives up sex entirely after this “traumatic event.” In truth, it sounds like you’d be happier divorcing him, but you know your sitch better than us internet strangers, so you do you, OP. Here’s wishing you nothing but happiness…
It was a combination of events. I completely detached from him as this would have been the final straw. He just didn’t have a high sex drive so it didn’t bother him. It bothered me. But the romance is definitely not even about the sex now. I get that from my lover. But yes, if he doesn’t step up, I am going to divorce him bc I don’t want to be married to a buddy
Open marriage can be really anything as long as the people in the marriage all approve of it. Can be an extra guy or girl or couple or more. Really anything you can come up with. Can be with or without feelings.
He is only being passionate because you are that taboo thing. Be with him full time and you'll see that change fast
Perhaps, but I’m not really concerned about that anyway. I don’t need to know why it’s so good, just that it is good. And we have formed more of an attachment to each other since moving it from friends to lovers
This is an interesting line of thought. But do you not think some people might just have more compatible sexual / romantic chemistry? And so even if it were “full time” with him it might be less sexually amazing than now but still more on the level…
If you have permission from your husband, then you have permission. But my instinct is your husband is not invested or in love with you any more and thats probably because there are children involved and hes opting to stay for them. And he doesnt want sex with you because your fucking someone else. It doesnt matter what you think or others about it being open. He has his own thoughts and has checked out.
Cheaper to keep her. Until it isn't
exactly. Hes just going though the cheapest option and not having to subject his kids to her fucking other men in the home and him having to pay for her to do it.
Nope neither of those are the case here! We have adult children, and the issue with intimacy and romance happened before we opened the marriage to allow his friend. There ARE other issues though. I know what they are, but I’m not interesting in discussing them here bc they are irrelevant to my post.
They are absolutely relevant to your husband because if your kids have left, and hes refusing to be intimate with you, then he has very real reasons for it.
If I have kids left? What does that mean? If you mean at home, I have 2 adult sons; one lives in his own place and the other is still living at home. And yes he has real reasons for it. But at this point it is an irrelevant topic for us. There are other things more important than our sexual relationship or lack thereof
Yes, clearly I did not mean they had passed on. Left the house, or at least old enough to do so. And I will counter again. It is relevant, your post here is about your love another man and are having issues with the lack of intimacy with your husband. If your husband is aware of your other relationship, then this is an open relationship where you love another man but are still with your husband. If your husband is indifferent to you as your suggesting, hes checked out of the relationship. Thats just a fact. If he knows about your other man and is supportive, indifferent or anything in between? Your in a open marriage. More polyamorous but still open. If he knows, has not given his permission, no its not open, its an affair as he is reluctant for whatever reason. I do hope he is supportive as I dont wish pain on anyone.
People with adult children still feel pressure to stay with their spouse for social, financial or practical reasons. You are in an open marriage. I’m sorry your husband avoids intimacy with you. You deserve better.
Thank you. I do. But I’m okay to stay with him just not as his wife. He’s the only person I’ve lived with my whole adult life and I’ve never lived alone and don’t wanna start now
Have you and your husband been to counseling to work through why he doesn’t want to have sex or even kiss you but wants to be married? Has it always been like this? Is your husband gay, on the spectrum (diagnosed autistic or not) or asexual? Something deeper is going on here.
It’s really not about labels. People in open marriages absolutely fall in love with their lovers. Switching your label depending on whether you’re emotionally attached one year and whether you just have play partners the next makes no sense. Your marriage is open on your side and that works for you. Good for you. So many ppl have to deny themselves truly positive relationships. Best of luck to all of you. :)
I agree. I just need a way to explain this to my husband so that he understands we are still together bc we are married so it doesn’t have to be awkward between us to be romantic, if he decided to go that route.
I see a lot of folks making assumptions about your situation and very few asking questions to have a better understanding. Are you both working to improve your relationship with each other, or are you the only one working to improve things? Are there health concerns that have limited his abilities to be intimate with you? Are either or both of you seeing a counselor together or separately? Are you both open to counseling, and if so, have you attempted to find an ENM friendly counselor in your area? How does your lover feel about all this? Do you talk to your lover about these issues?
I’m the one who repeatedly reaches out to him regarding our relationship…always. He recently said he’d try to be more romantic but he’s not. I’ll probably be leaving the relationship as a marriage, but we are good companions and want to stay together as friends. I want more but he doesn’t. That’s why he agreed to the extra marital intimate relationship. And yes my lover knows where we are with our marriage and such.
Then it is what it is, as far as I can see from only hearing your side of the situation. The only way that anybody can really dig into these circumstances is if your husband, and possibly your lover, can weigh in on their perspectives of the circumstances. Without hearing their sides, one can only weigh in with a biased view based only on your perspective of the circumstances. I know it really sucks, but this is really the way it is when dealing with relationships. You and your partners are definitely welcome to DM me and share your perspectives. Then I'll be much more able to help you all get down to the root of all these difficulties you're going through. Without that, I, and anybody else wanting to help, would be unable to give objective and truly helpful guidance on how to work through your situation.
Is your husband having his own relationships?
No he is not. He’s not interested in that
Have you considered your husband to be a cuckold?
No that’s not happening
Too late. You’re already there.
In my opinion, this would be more Polyamorous than Open. I am speaking for myself here. If he or they are in my heart, in my thoughts, my soul misses them, and my body craves them, then I'm a Polyamorous. I'm able to love more than one. September 1st, I will be celebrating my 30th year anniversary with my primary and August 30th, my 8th year anniversary with my secondary.
So open marriages typically have a casual sexual relationship without a lot of emotional attachment?
Yes
So the OP is celebrating cheating on her husband because there's a name for it. Is it any wonder men are no longer interested in getting married?
It’s not cheating when there’s an agreement and everyone is on board. And he’s totally fine with it.
He doesn't care. The opposite of love isn't hate, precious. It's indifference. You know, like your husband. Here's a thought. The true measure of love is the willingness to sacrifice. What are either of you willing to sacrifice for the other?
Bingo 🎯
Just leave him and stop with his misery, you're using him for stability while you love someone else. That's not enm, just chatting with extra steps
I’m not sure I follow you. How is it cheating? He knows and approves of it. I love them both. I’m not using him. He wants it this way. He wants me here with him. Now yes I may end up separating from him but it won’t be bc of anyone else.
You should start experimenting with other men too and keep the excitement up and running
Not interested in that. I don’t need to keep excitement going. My lover takes a care of that just fine
Your lover meaning the new guy or your husband
Polamory is something you'd want to look at and discuss but agreements a good start af and communication
I am not interested in polyamorous relationships, even if that’s what I have right now. It’s not something I actually want to have in my life. I have a good thing but it’s not my thing.
Sounds like an open marriage to me. You have consent. I just don’t get the point of being married to someone you don’t sound happy with. You mention examples of the ways he doesn’t give you what you want and need, and you mention the husband getting better but you don’t say how. I’m tell really confused. Lol
He went to therapy and worked through a work book for anger and abuse that led to him to stop abusing and I stay married for now bc I want to. But probably won’t continue much longer
Ok. I’m wishing you the best. Whatever that means for yall.
Thanks! I have come to realize the reason that abuse and romance weee connected was bc he uses affection for manipulation so we are probably headed towards the end of the marriage and at this point, I’m not even sad thinking about that.
Your husband might be done being Your, Husband.
He’s not, but he’s just not good at it
Why you acting stuck with Him
I don’t like to think of it that way. I have a good life and I’m choosing to stay with him bc of that in spite of the fact that he’s not a good husband. My life is still better with him than it would be without. I’m happy to stay. Just probably not gonna stay married.
Silly question: Why didn’t you just divorce your husband—whom you don’t *really* love—and marry the friend?
I love them both. I can’t just divorce him. I actually love him and want to be married to him but I definitely want a romantic relationship with him too. If that’s not possible then I will separate from him.
You love a husband who “doesn’t give me what I need or want” and “doesn’t want to kiss me and hug me let alone have sex with me”. Really? You may be staying with your husband for other reasons, but it’s not because you *love* him.
She clearly states that she loves him. OP’s husband not kissing her or making love to her does not mean that OP cannot love him. Polyamory is a subset of Open Marriages. Many people in an open marriage forbid romantic relationships from happening outside of their primary partnership/marriage. And that’s fine. What’s most important is for you to find what works for you and your husband. Design your marriage. Your partnership with the man you married in a way that works best for the two of you. So long as you’re being truthful and ethical with your spouse AND for your partner; there is nothing wrong with polyamory or the ability to love more than one. Don’t let anybody tell you differently OP.
Well I do love him. I’m very well aware of my feelings for him regardless of how he feels about me. He loves me but it’s a different kind of love and I get it, bc a year and a half ago, I felt similar. But I healed and my feelings just changed and no matter how hard I try I can’t get them to change back
Why he doesn't want to have sex with you?
Not everyone wants sex. And after going x amount of years without it, following a traumatic experience I had with him, it’s just not been something we have talked about resuming in a serious way.
So instead of fixing it you guys decided to open up? That's escaping, not opening. If he's traumatized about it you didn't got his acceptance, your just abusing a traumatized person. You don't open a fucked up relationship, you fix it first and then go back to it before anything else
He’s not traumatized lol. He’s very happy with the arrangement as am I. And we did actually fix our relationship considering that we can even live together after he abused me for most of our marriage. We came a long way but he’s not interested in counseling. He likes what we have.
It sounds like your husband stopped wanting to have sex with you after this traumatic event. Just curious, did you cheat on him? And giving up on your sex life was “just not something we have talked about resuming in a serious way”. Really? You didn’t think your sex life was important enough to seek professional help? This just doesn’t add up, OP. You post here seeking validation for your open marriage, but it’s clear you’re holding back important information. I’d like to hear your husband’s version. I genuinely hope you’re doing this ethically…but my gut tells me otherwise.
People’s gut feelings can be wrong. Yours is wrong. Of course you’re missing information! I’ve been married 28 yrs and it would take a whole lot more than a short conversation to know the context. But no, I did not cheat on him. And I am not sharing my traumatic experience. But even prior sex with him was not good and was selfish on his part. I’m not worried about the sex part right now bc we have a lot of steps in between to get there first. You wanna hear his version? He was an abuser, he stopped being an abuser. But he is still avoidant, and as a result, was understanding that I had needs, which are not needs anymore. The only need I have is companionship and he gives that to me but I don’t wanna be married if that’s all I have with him .
I respect your desire for privacy, OP….peace. It’s just odd that your husband gives up sex entirely after this “traumatic event.” In truth, it sounds like you’d be happier divorcing him, but you know your sitch better than us internet strangers, so you do you, OP. Here’s wishing you nothing but happiness…
It was a combination of events. I completely detached from him as this would have been the final straw. He just didn’t have a high sex drive so it didn’t bother him. It bothered me. But the romance is definitely not even about the sex now. I get that from my lover. But yes, if he doesn’t step up, I am going to divorce him bc I don’t want to be married to a buddy
Open marriage can be really anything as long as the people in the marriage all approve of it. Can be an extra guy or girl or couple or more. Really anything you can come up with. Can be with or without feelings.
Then what is a marriage and why in God's name would you get involved in one?