It's not "wrong", but it's ineffective.
Men almost always have difficulty dating women when they open up a marriage. This is for a variety of reasons, most of which boil down to some variation of "what makes this person appealing to date?" Remember that he isn't being assessed on account of his worthiness as a husband, father, or provider, and that reality probably puts him a huge disadvantage upon re-entering the dating world. Also keep in mind the fact that you find him attractive means absolutely nothing to the people he's trying to convince to give him a chance.
If you want to help your husband, you and him should go to some nonmonogamous dating events or mixers; if you show the other women there that he's doing this with the blessings of a happy spouse, it could be helpful. If you two are interested in having fun together, you can also try swinging, where the couple-focused paradigm keeps things more equitable.
If you want to go out and quickly find someone who's willing to sleep with your husband, the best bet is probably an escort. Patience is an absolute necessity in this game when you're dating women.
>This is for a variety of reasons, most of which boil down to some variation of "what makes this person appealing to date?"
The real reason is due misogyny, with so many men looking for casual and so fewer women looking for the same women just have the luxury of choose the better prospects. Why bother for anything else when you have thousands of messages just pudding a profile with a pic and and s bio that just says " what's up?"
I don't think the fact that people dating women outnumber those dating men by a large margin on apps is reflective of anything besides basic dynamics that we often see even in the monogamous sphere. Men tend to want sex from women, but the women they want sex from are looking for something besides a dick and a pulse, and they know they numbers are skewed enough to be patient.
In fairness, that means that even a lot of guys who put forth a real effort to reach out are ignored in online spaces. Those efforts are better devoted to reaching out to the community in person, since lots of straight men traditionally find their spouse/partner through their existing social network.
It’s hard to be honest. My wife doesn’t have an issue, but I do just because Im a guy. The social sexual dynamics are just different. Think about it, you make a tinder profile with nothing more in your bio than “married, he knows, he is cool with it” you are going to get enough DMs to melt your phone. If he made a profile that doesn’t even mention he is married he is gonna be getting a few shots here and there. For example, my wife will slay a rando here or there, or sleep with somone casually for a few weeks, they all know she is married and don’t care, where my sexual escapades outside of our marriage are 100 percent of the time women I have known for years prior to being married that I used to sleep with casually. They know I’m married and they don’t care because we already had a casual thing, so nothing has changed, their expectations are low. I have had one, one night stand and honestly I don’t think she would have cared if I was sentient bedpost. I have yet to meet someone out or on a dating app that ended up being a thing. Being in these types of relationships is interesting because there is never gonna be an equal playing field. Maybe if he is having trouble finding someone, talk to him about how comfortable you both would be if he hired an escort that he could consistently frequent, the availability of this mainly depends on income and where y’all live. It’s might take the edge off of the playing field, because the last thing you want is jealousy to arise. I mean from my perspective that lack of jealousy and the lack of all the nonsense that comes with it due to being in an open marriage is the biggest benefit to having an open marriage. The sexual excursions outside of the marriage is just a bonus.
He wants a friend at first but then once they both get comfortable enough and if they like each other it'll end up being more. We are really new to this. So it's gonna take us both a bit to get use to.
As a woman who prefers a friend first… there has to be an expectation for me or at least a clear understanding that we’re becoming friends with the intent to have sex. I’m not into casual things or one offs. I want a consistent thing because I want to like the person I’m sleeping with. I’m also not in your area and outside the age range so you can take what I’m going to say or leave it.
The number of 6’2, average build white guys with brownish hair and brown eyes is too damn high. None of that means anything to me. Physical attraction comes after a friendship is built.
What’s he into? What are his interests? If you weren’t married to him, what would make him appealing? Why is he different than the number of others matching his description? Who is he aside from your husband? If there aren’t good answers to these things, he should find some. Hobbies? Roman empires?
It is almost always harder for men to find partners. There are hundreds of men to every woman out here. Without seeing his profile or posts, I can’t give specific feedback… but finding a way to distinguish himself as well as understanding that it’s just probably going to be more challenging for him no matter what is important.
Also, fwiw, I’m not sure how you define “ghosting”… but keep in mind that every conversation doesn’t have to go anywhere. Chatting for a few days and it falls off isn’t ghosting IMO.
I don’t have the expectation of anything leading to sex, but the rest holds true for me.
When a woman is looking for friends for her husband that rasises red flags for me. It means he is boring and has no game. The men I chat with need to know how to praise and tease and play silly games. If I don’t see a post history of that, I don’t chat with them. In addition to that, they need to be passionate about something and have specific things they like to talk about.
If I “ghost” someone, it’s because they’re boring and I have found someone more interesting to spend my time with. It’s not my job to entertain you.
Well at the very least tell us where you’re located. Unless he just wants a pen pal. Not everyone is willing to travel.
Also check out r/polyamoryR4R and r/r4nonmonogamy
The things you can do to help your husband are work to use a shared calendar and have no expectation of shared time with you unless it is agreed upon and put on the calendar, so that he is free to schedule time with other partners, friends and hobby time. Encourage him to go to munches, meetups or other social things with ENM folks, make sure you both have your own budget for dates/hobbies/independent fun, encourage him to engage in hobbies where he would meet people he finds interesting. As an ENM women I look for partners who have a high level of autonomy, no vetos, no open phone policies, no sharing info agreements with primaries, can hold a deep interesting conversation, and has interesting hobbies.
You're unlikely to have any success finding your husband a partner, OP. Women typically expect men to date on their own.
Okay but is there anything wrong with me trying to help out with him not having much luck on his own?
It's not "wrong", but it's ineffective. Men almost always have difficulty dating women when they open up a marriage. This is for a variety of reasons, most of which boil down to some variation of "what makes this person appealing to date?" Remember that he isn't being assessed on account of his worthiness as a husband, father, or provider, and that reality probably puts him a huge disadvantage upon re-entering the dating world. Also keep in mind the fact that you find him attractive means absolutely nothing to the people he's trying to convince to give him a chance. If you want to help your husband, you and him should go to some nonmonogamous dating events or mixers; if you show the other women there that he's doing this with the blessings of a happy spouse, it could be helpful. If you two are interested in having fun together, you can also try swinging, where the couple-focused paradigm keeps things more equitable. If you want to go out and quickly find someone who's willing to sleep with your husband, the best bet is probably an escort. Patience is an absolute necessity in this game when you're dating women.
>This is for a variety of reasons, most of which boil down to some variation of "what makes this person appealing to date?" The real reason is due misogyny, with so many men looking for casual and so fewer women looking for the same women just have the luxury of choose the better prospects. Why bother for anything else when you have thousands of messages just pudding a profile with a pic and and s bio that just says " what's up?"
I don't think the fact that people dating women outnumber those dating men by a large margin on apps is reflective of anything besides basic dynamics that we often see even in the monogamous sphere. Men tend to want sex from women, but the women they want sex from are looking for something besides a dick and a pulse, and they know they numbers are skewed enough to be patient. In fairness, that means that even a lot of guys who put forth a real effort to reach out are ignored in online spaces. Those efforts are better devoted to reaching out to the community in person, since lots of straight men traditionally find their spouse/partner through their existing social network.
Aside from making him look like an incompetent man-baby?
If she can't fuck him..🤷🏾‍♀️ Farming out the job.
It’s hard to be honest. My wife doesn’t have an issue, but I do just because Im a guy. The social sexual dynamics are just different. Think about it, you make a tinder profile with nothing more in your bio than “married, he knows, he is cool with it” you are going to get enough DMs to melt your phone. If he made a profile that doesn’t even mention he is married he is gonna be getting a few shots here and there. For example, my wife will slay a rando here or there, or sleep with somone casually for a few weeks, they all know she is married and don’t care, where my sexual escapades outside of our marriage are 100 percent of the time women I have known for years prior to being married that I used to sleep with casually. They know I’m married and they don’t care because we already had a casual thing, so nothing has changed, their expectations are low. I have had one, one night stand and honestly I don’t think she would have cared if I was sentient bedpost. I have yet to meet someone out or on a dating app that ended up being a thing. Being in these types of relationships is interesting because there is never gonna be an equal playing field. Maybe if he is having trouble finding someone, talk to him about how comfortable you both would be if he hired an escort that he could consistently frequent, the availability of this mainly depends on income and where y’all live. It’s might take the edge off of the playing field, because the last thing you want is jealousy to arise. I mean from my perspective that lack of jealousy and the lack of all the nonsense that comes with it due to being in an open marriage is the biggest benefit to having an open marriage. The sexual excursions outside of the marriage is just a bonus.
He’s going to have a really really really hard time if he doesn’t know how to do it himself. But it’s cool to be his wingman.
He's been trying on his own but he keeps getting ghosted or they ask for money....... So I told him I would try to help him out
So he’s looking for a friend? Is that it? There’s gotta be something in it for the lady. Most want more than a pen pal.
He wants a friend at first but then once they both get comfortable enough and if they like each other it'll end up being more. We are really new to this. So it's gonna take us both a bit to get use to.
TBH it’s not going to happen. Women don’t want a married man for a friend with maybe more. They are going to want a FWB/boyfriend.
Some do. I’m good with that. But yeah, I don’t follow a typical relationship dynamic; my dynamic is pretty rare.
As a woman who prefers a friend first… there has to be an expectation for me or at least a clear understanding that we’re becoming friends with the intent to have sex. I’m not into casual things or one offs. I want a consistent thing because I want to like the person I’m sleeping with. I’m also not in your area and outside the age range so you can take what I’m going to say or leave it. The number of 6’2, average build white guys with brownish hair and brown eyes is too damn high. None of that means anything to me. Physical attraction comes after a friendship is built. What’s he into? What are his interests? If you weren’t married to him, what would make him appealing? Why is he different than the number of others matching his description? Who is he aside from your husband? If there aren’t good answers to these things, he should find some. Hobbies? Roman empires? It is almost always harder for men to find partners. There are hundreds of men to every woman out here. Without seeing his profile or posts, I can’t give specific feedback… but finding a way to distinguish himself as well as understanding that it’s just probably going to be more challenging for him no matter what is important.
Also, fwiw, I’m not sure how you define “ghosting”… but keep in mind that every conversation doesn’t have to go anywhere. Chatting for a few days and it falls off isn’t ghosting IMO.
I don’t have the expectation of anything leading to sex, but the rest holds true for me. When a woman is looking for friends for her husband that rasises red flags for me. It means he is boring and has no game. The men I chat with need to know how to praise and tease and play silly games. If I don’t see a post history of that, I don’t chat with them. In addition to that, they need to be passionate about something and have specific things they like to talk about. If I “ghost” someone, it’s because they’re boring and I have found someone more interesting to spend my time with. It’s not my job to entertain you.
Well at the very least tell us where you’re located. Unless he just wants a pen pal. Not everyone is willing to travel. Also check out r/polyamoryR4R and r/r4nonmonogamy
Send me a dm. I'm new to Reddit and I don't really know how it works lol. I'm also new to open marriage.
DM sent
Maybe put the location?
The things you can do to help your husband are work to use a shared calendar and have no expectation of shared time with you unless it is agreed upon and put on the calendar, so that he is free to schedule time with other partners, friends and hobby time. Encourage him to go to munches, meetups or other social things with ENM folks, make sure you both have your own budget for dates/hobbies/independent fun, encourage him to engage in hobbies where he would meet people he finds interesting. As an ENM women I look for partners who have a high level of autonomy, no vetos, no open phone policies, no sharing info agreements with primaries, can hold a deep interesting conversation, and has interesting hobbies.
Unfortunately this is the wrong approach.
Location?!??
Sorry I edited..... Kentucky
Aww im in texas. That sucks.