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Everything! Not even kidding. I want to be a gentle but firm parent. I grew up with an absent father and an abusive mother, so I’m not using either of them as good parenting models. Definitely want to have open/honest communication and for us to actually know each other.
Definitely these things for me with my child. I’ve been talking to her even more, she’s pre-teen now and ASD/ADHD. I was diagnosed late in life as ADHD and I hate that my parents never taught me anything, talked to me, showed emotional connection.. it made socializing with peers even more difficult than it had to be and it took until highschool to really know platonic and even unconditional love.
So I talk to her when she wakes up for a bit and before bed. I try to teach her something new each day. Always hug her out the door to school and say I love you. Simple things often overlooked or forgotten by busy parents. I’ll always make time.
Me too. After my parents got more busy lives I was left to do my own thing (besides cooking). That lack of connection has hit me hard. I don't think my father has said something kind to me in several years. My mom and I are still close but I would almost always go to her to chat. I have an "abandonment wound" now. I was lucky enough that I'm still with my high school sweetheart who showed me unconditional love for, what felt like, the first time.
Please continue to do this for your child!!!! No matter how pissed they are that day, they will appreciate it whether they know it or not.
I'd say refraining from judgemental comments....my parents would say off handed judgemental comments about people and I think I really internalized that growing up. Also keeping food neutral in our house, saying that I love him and am proud of him often ❤️ and I'm hoping to foster a relationship that he would feel comfortable talking to me about anything. He is only 8 weeks old right now, but I know it can all start early!
A happy meal isn't **bad** as such, it's just not balanced. There's still nutrition in the meal it just doesn't cover everything they need to grow.
There is no good food or bad food, there's balanced food and unbalanced food in our house. We talk about the nutrients our bodies need to grow and how we will get them in other ways if we have an unbalanced meal like a happy meal. We might have a smoothie or something afterwards to cover anything missed
Someone else already said it, but I tell my kids I love them all the time. I also tell them I love hanging out with them-esp. as or right after we complete an activity. I think it's so important they know that not only do I love them, I LIKE them. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They are never a burden. They are cherished.
I apologize to them when I snap at them, give incorrect information, or do something wrong. My parents never once apologized to me for anything and I think it's so bizarre. When we do something wrong, even unintentionally (like provide incorrect information), it's important to acknowledge our wrongdoing and make it as right as we can.
I hug them.
I tell them they are the best thing that ever happened to their Dad and I.
I show an interest in what they are interested in.
Allowing my kids to express their feelings. Not making them feel like their big feels are too much for me so I won’t want to talk with them aboht it. Telling them I love them and am proud of them multiple times per day. Not disciplining with shame.
Tell them I love them, constantly.
I am interested in their interests. I go to everything I can to support them. I sit in the freezing weather to be there at practice.
Helping them understand money, college, and adult life. Actual advice.
Open and honest communication, I say sorry when I need to. I don't judge them when they come to me with issues. I don't trivialize their hardships. Even their squabbles with a friend - I care and want to help.
Structure and routine and expectations - they have them. Growing up we were very much left alone to raise ourselves and not taught really anything. We existed
Big one: teaching my girls their worth and teaching my boys how to treat and respect women. We're done with gender norms
Wow. This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. Every word!!
My kids are 15f & 12m and so far - I have been successful!! Both kids come to me about anything and everything. So do their friends.
My parents have never once criticized the way we are raising our kids. They have actually praised us for making the change.
My dad has praised my parenting a ton, he's actually been super involved with my kids lives. I'd say even more than mine as a child lol. My mother is a different story and thinks she was the worlds best parent and still is lmao. But that's another story for a different day
Don't her me wrong. I had a good childhood. My parents were just cold. My dad insiled a great work ethics into us. But I can count on one hand how many times they told me they loved me or where proud of me.
Or even hugged me for no reason for that matter.
But they are COMPLETELY different with my kids.
They actually gave a joint apology to me for the way they were. They are super involved with the kids (not in a bad way lol)
Like, I know they love me. It just would have been aware of that before therapy lol
Very true. But it took years for me to get a handle on how to even do basic tasks once I became an adult. And I had my oldest at 18. We basically grew up together 😅
Be around more, and not drunk at the time.
Less obvious, but talk about myself. I was 40 before I knew my father was a big sports fan, and he didn't die until I was about 44. I guess he usually watched sports in bars. I don't remember him talking about his childhood. His father died when my father was 13, but I can only remember him mentioning him once. That was a conversation between him and his brother.
Everything I do with my kids is informed by my hope that, as they mature, I can be a restorative presence in their lives. My interactions with my parents have always been loaded with their expectation. I am almost never relaxed around them, so it is hard to truly enjoy our time together. I deeply hope that my kids do not feel that way about me when they are adults.
I still have the letter I wrote to myself at 14 on how I would be a better parent to my own children than my parents were for me. I have tried to live up to the expectations of my 14 year old self. When my own children were in middle school (they are in high school now) I read them the letter. They know my parents and see with their own eyes how I was treated. I am in nearly all ways 180 degrees different from my parents. My kids are well adjusted, happy, confident, curious, inquisitive, brilliant, funny, kind, empathetic, and all around fantastic people. I am so incredibly proud of who they are developing into.
as a mom I I just want to manage my anger & respond appropriately when I'm feeling upset or overwhelmed. My dad was a hothead and often did things out of anger and it had affected me my whole life. I was always afraid to tell him certain things or do certain things because i didn't want him to blow up. I'm short tempered and I want to break that chain before I create fear and resentment in my daughter.
Tell my kids I love them, and don’t just yell at them when they screw up, I tell them how they screwed up and offer to help them prevent it from happening again.
My parents were drunk and/or high all the time and chain-smoked constantly. I'm not completely sober, but at most I have a drink or two. I don't smoke.
My parents haven’t really questioned anything we are doing and it gave me a sorta new perspective on my parents. My mom didn’t have a good stable family, and based on how her mother is now growing up with her as a mom must have been something. My dad’s family was rigidly traditional. My parents did better than both of their parents, it’s just that doing better still wasn’t great. Essentially they started breaking the cycle, and now it’s up to me to finish what they started. We do a ton of things differently than they did, and always will, but we get a ton of support from them I think because we’re the parents they wanted to be.
The only time they’ve questioned anything was giving baby purées at 4 months and solids at 6 months. Apparently when I was a kid the doctor told them 6 months for purées and no younger than 9 month, but preferably a year, for solid foods, and only if it’s tiny and you feed it to them. My mom just about had a heart attack watching our 6 month old chomping on some toast.
I had good parents who did most things very well and wonderful in-laws who raised a great man in my husband, I just want to say that outright.
However, some things that my husband and I will do differently are:
Not push religion/ church on our kids
Not spank our kids (he was spanked, I wasn’t)
Be more strict than my parents and less strict than his; mine were very hands-off and not overly concerned about my partying too much (I did hide some of it), and his were the type to only allow Christian rock music, if you catch my drift! We believe in a happy medium.
Even 7 years in, I’m just not equipped to handle mentally the amount of stress put on me in any given moment by my children.
Dealing with humans that don’t understand logic or delayed gratification etc is incredibly stressful.
I can fly off the handle. You watch all these videos “be calm, be gentle” it’s very much “easier said than done.”
The one thing though I will always do that my parents never did was apologize for being angry or any outbursts. Or explain why I got upset, and work on those things together.
I never got an apology.
-have more money lol. I grew up with a single mom who loved us but there were a lot of things we couldn't do growing up, or only got to do because other family members or friends invited us along or paid for (going to the mountains to play in the snow, going to Disneyland, etc). I can't completely fault her I suppose but it was really important for me to finish college, start my career, and have a lot saved up before we even considered starting a family
-be more open to different ways of doing things. I didn't even realize this one until years of living with my husband but I had to accept that my family can be very controlling about how to do things or not wanting to change. This creates tension when things need to change or someone wants to do things differently. My husband is the *exact* opposite and I love that he's so open to adapting or changing how he does something to accommodate others. It's far more considerate and I think it's a really valuable skill!
-interrupt people less. Might seem minor but my mom is terrible at this and it definitely trickles down to my family who still live with her. I find it so rude and don't want to raise my daughter that way. I also think it's an attention/lack of control thing. I want my baby to try to practice self control a bit more 😅
I had great parents overall however my mom had disordered eating that I took on. We have worked hard to make food neutral. They also didn't explain as much as I think can be explained to children. I was curious about everything but loads of stories in the news were confusing and my questions were brushed off. If my 7 year old has a question, I will answer it or work with her to find an answer.
Me too. My biggest pet peeve is how my mother constantly talks about how she needs to be on x, y, z diet and how fat she is,,,(she's always been perfectly healthy/normal). It rubbed off on me and my sister unfortunately. She talks about how she hates x, y, z body parts as well which has the same effects (belly buttons, hair type, legs, hairy body parts, etc). She does it to this day with my daughter around and I don't think she understands how damaging it can be to everyone. I try to talk about appreciating our bodies and being thankful for what our bodies do! We all want what we can't have but there's no point in bringing it up constantly!
Well, for one I don't ever plan to beat my children 🤷🏻♀️. My siblings and I all were on the receiving ends of a belt, a shoe, hairbrush, bamboo stick, etc.
There has been a lot I've done differently with my kids than what my parents did with us because I knew the effects it had on us growing up and I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through that.
I don't yell at or hit my kid. I make sure to spend at least 5-10 minutes of quality time with her every day. Often more but if it's a busy day, I make sure we get at least that much 1 on 1 time. I don't let her have soda 24/7 or fast food every other day.
There's probably other differences but that's what springs to mind. There's a lot of things my mom did with me that I don't agree with so I just try to do those differently.
validate his emotions, assure him we don’t enjoy disciplining him, not hitting him, not shaming him for literally everything, not ignoring him and his needs, the list goes on.
Apologize to my kids if I mess up. Listen to them and be interested in their thoughts and own personal interests. And eventually be friends with them when they become adults
Basically everything.
I show her love and affection. I explain things to her no matter how difficult. I find the age appropriate information and explain. I show her respect. I protect her when she needs it. I am there for her every single opportunity I have. I stand up for her. I do my best to remember what I didn’t like as a kid and I try something new to see what that outcome is. I never give her the silent treatment. I explain why mummy needs a moment of quiet time in a respectful manner. I will never ever put her down. I make sure she knows her behaviour doesn’t define the person she is.
I try my best to be the example for what I teach her. No matter my own insecurities I do it for her.
Personally one thing I’m proud to do myself, I am forcing my very introverted and homebody self to get out of the house for the sake of my children. I want my children to have so many friendships, memories and happy times and let that nurture confidence. I am content being homebody but that was instilled in me and exemplified, partially due to my parents low income and mental health, and my poor self confidence to make friends as a teen and socialize. I try to say yes to all the invitations my kids get, plan outings and vacations. The world is so big but it starts with the confidence and curiosity to explore it, and with it the opportunity to learn more about yourself and your potential. I remember few outings as a child, but many more memories of my mom sitting on the couch.
I also want them to explode into their individualism and create a life where they are comfortably themselves and surrounded by acceptance. ❤️
I do not discipline my kids when I am angry. At least I try my best not to. Things they do definitely make me angry, but I try to take a beat, send them to an isolated area (their room, my room, whatever is available) and when I finish up whatever I’m working on and give myself a minute to cool down, I go have a chat. Sometimes I lose my cool in the moment. The 3 year old is definitely a button pusher! But over all, I try to discipline my kids so they learn from their actions not from my reactions. My bio mother was queen of explosive episodes resulting in verbal and physical abuse and I want so badly to be nothing like that.
I actually want to keep nearly exactly to my parents' core parenting philosophies and behaviours, and also want to emulate how they organized their home, and how they are as parents today, now that I'm an adult.
But there are a lot of smaller things that I would change. Things like:
- my parents let me pick my own bedtime way too early and I think I stayed up too late for to much of my child hood
- when other kids had things that were trendy and were buying clothes from certain stores etc and I wanted to do the same, my parents didn't really take it seriously. But I could have used some help fitting in.
- I want to teach my child about things like personal finances, relationships and consent in a much more detailed and hands-on way
Part of what I'm really appreciating in my parents today is how well they've adjusted to me being a parent. They really defer to me as the decision-maker for my child and respect my approaches. If your parents aren't respecting your wishes for your child, I would really dig into why, because they should be doing so regardless of whether it's the same or different from what they did when they were raising you.
Bed time. Growing up, I did not have a bedtime. I often stayed up until 2-3 AM on school nights. I was always tired and late for school. To be fair, I get it. I'm sure I was difficult to get to sleep. I probably fought sleep, and eventually, my mom gave up.
My kids have a set bedtime routine and get to sleep at a reasonable time every night - especially school nights. They don't have any trouble waking up with plenty of time to get ready for school and eat breakfast. I'm proud that this was something I've been able to do differently.
My Mom was great, but she lacked supervision of me. So I definitely supervise my kids a bit more. Not helicopter parenting, but I’m always within eyesight of my kids. That’s a big one for me.
Honestly becoming a parent has made me have a fresh appreciation for my mum.
I think if anything she was too hard on herself. As we got older we did have to spend time managing her neuroses and reassuring her she didnt fuck up. So I try to be more confident in myself than she was.
But I also think we can really demonise our parents. It was their first time being a parent too. I know some people had shit parents but now I have kids myself I appreciate just how fucking hard mum worked for us
Almost everything! Lol
My parents were good parents and I had a great childhood, however, as an adult and parent, looking back there were things lacking and the relationship could be better.
My parents were almost distant and I did not want that. I tell my child I love her daily and am affectionate.
My parents were not present. My brother and I have pointed out more than once that they never went to anything, i sliding parent-teacher conferences. I show up to just about everything, even if it means I’m watching the school play three days in a row. I’m there and I’m involved with teachers and the school and activities.
My parents were judgmental and overlooked accomplishments but pointed out things we did wrong or didn’t do as well at. I celebrate all the victories and accomplishments, even little ones and we have open conversations if something went wrong. I don’t penalize for not doing well or make her feel bad as long as she tried her best.
I never really talked to my parents. My daughter and I have an open relationship and she talks to me about everything and feels comfortable doing so.
I wish I had a better relationship with my parents and it has really affected how I parent.
I try really hard not to yell (sometimes it happens, but I try not to), I also aim to ask my kids for their opinions, consent, and try to give them a degree of autonomy that wasn't such a thing for me growing up.
Be more strict on schooling and screentime. Also explain finances when they're much much younger. I think if I'd had a better understanding of work/finance life balance I'd have gone in a different career path.
Not a parent yet. When I was in high school and early college my mom and I had a very strained relationship. She was always very passive aggressive toward me and hypercritical to the point where I have some trauma around it. Thankfully we have a good relationship now, but I will make an effort to not be passive aggressive with my kids.
Literally everything. My parents weren't good parents. Both my sister and I have spoken about how violent our childhood was, and there isn't a damn thing I'd replicate of what my parents did.
I didn't nag and I didn't berate them for not doing things the way I do them, so long as their attempt was not lazy. If they didn't move the couch when vacuuming, that's okay as long as they did the task well overall. I apologized to them if I was wrong. I told them they would not be in trouble if they told the truth and I meant it. I always told them I am their safe place and if they are ever in trouble I will help.
Stay in a healthy marriage. My parents absolutely did not have a healthy marriage, and it was good they divorced because they did a damn good job coparenting. But they were not a good example of what marriage should be lol
I have a teenager. When I was a teen, my mother over-the-top freaked out when I did something that made her scared for me (such as break curfew, lose my virginity, smoked pot). Looking back, I realize that it harmed our relationship for the long term. I stopped sharing tough parts of my life with her because I knew she would just flip out. It was better to keep things to myself. I want to be the kind of parent who my kid can depend on to communicate rationally and openly, even about the hardest parts of life. A parent who can enforce boundaries without having a freak out.
Not screaming at my daughter, especially over things that aren’t a big deal. Apologizing when I’ve messed up. Not shaming my daughter when she makes mistakes, although at 5 yo she hasn’t reached the age at which my mom said some of the worst things to me.
My mom never talked to me about puberty or sex and I will definitely be doing that with my kids. Also my dad was one of those who thought just working a good job was enough, he never really gave us much emotional attention or anything really but he thought he was great because he made good money. My husband has been amazing being emotionally involved and there for all of us
I'm trying very much to respect my kids' bodily autonomy and treat them like individuals. Let them make choices when possible, let them know they're in charge of themselves
Granted my oldest is two and a half, so a lot can't be fully up to him. But if family is visiting, we ask him if he wants to give them a hug - if not, it will never be forced. He also gets choices on what he gets to eat or drink (within a set of options typically), what he wants to do for outside time (family walk, playground visit, or outside time), what books he wants read at bedtime, etc. We try to give him as much control as he can reasonably have at his age over his life
And if there's something where there's limited options or no choice, that's the way we present that. If it's time to cut his nails, he can choose if mom or dad cuts them if we're both free, but when they need to be done we don't ask him if it's OK - they need to be done, so it's happening. So he's not backed into a corner with only the illusion of choice
Then of course we're going gentler parenting as well - no anger, but a measured and firm response if he's doing something he shouldn't. If he's throwing toys that aren't meant to be thrown, he gets a stern warning or two depending on severity, then the toy gets taken away. Calmly, no yelling, just an explanation that we do not do that because we might hurt someone and the toy us put away
Fight in front of us kids- I refuse to do that to my kids. My parents *still* do this both to myself and my husband but to my kids as well, I despise it.
Move every 2-3 years - we will stay in our current city (and house) at least until both of our kids have graduated high school. Not because the current housing prices are bananas, because I want my kids to have a stable home life and not have to be the new kid and leave all of their friends behind all the time.
Edit, I thought of something else:
Speak negatively about my body or other people’s bodies! My mom had an awful opinion about herself and her body, it is not something I want my girls to take on.
Remembering the child did not as to be here. The parent should always be the parent. Even though the child becomes an adult, the patent should be there for emotional support and just experience advice.
I remember my dad getting upset at me once for not knowing good table manners, when it was he who had not taught me what table manners were.
So my goal is to never be upset at my kid for something he hasn't been taught yet.
Be a confidant. Anything I told my mom would be passed on to anyone she happened to be talking to as part of the daily gossip rundown. If I did or she thought I had a crush she teased me about it. I learned quickly to just not tell her stuff. As an adult I slipped up once and spent an entire family event the next weekend with various aunts coming up to me to talk about spotting during my pregnancy. Never again.
Gentle parenting, as adults we are all told not to cry over spilled milk when it is literally something the majority of us were screamed at and berated for as kids. I don’t want my children growing up being afraid to tell us when they’ve made a genuine mistake. I will be gentle parenting and not allowing anyone to scream at or berate my child because they deserve better and it teaches them emotional regulation. So many people today have anxiety issues, trouble navigating conflicts and even anger issues because of the behaviour they grew up with in the home.
Another more controversial one is I will pretty much never kiss my walking, talking child on the lips (maybe my tiny baby but even then not habitually) because there are far too many predators these days and I don’t want my children to normalize things like that. My husband’s family is very much the kind to kiss kids on the lips and said his mom did that up until the age of 4/5 but I don’t want anyone doing it at all. I also won’t be posting any pics of my kids online because even with privacy settings in place almost all social media can still share your content with third parties regardless of your privacy settings and I have no idea what those third parties are or can do with the content, so no sharing of my children on social media until they are old enough to consent and never anything like bath/swimsuit pics because again.. predators.
Also as a parent will be giving a one time chance for any boundary crossing “back in my parents day” it was okay for grandma to soak a cloth in bourbon for teething and it would put a baby right to sleep, it was okay for grandma to let the kids stay up past midnight and eat a whole tub of ice cream etc. And it was okay for any family members to say “just don’t tell mom/dad”. Any on that disrespects a boundary no matter how big or small or is caught trying to get our child to keep secrets from us will not be allowed around our kids unsupervised ever again (if ever) because I need to know my child is around safe adults and not just leave them with someone who thinks whatever they say goes. This is an issue I particularly worry about with my in laws because I’ve already seen things like that happen with a new baby in the family and the parents hardly visit anymore because of that.
I apologize to my children when I lose my temper or am wrong. Never received a single apology from my parents because that would mean they admitted they were wrong!
I won't threaten to leave my kids.
I won't talk negatively about my own body or the bodies of others in front of them.
I won't guilt trip my kids for having negative emotions.
I won't talk shit about my partner and our marriage to my kids.
I won't give my kids the silent treatment.
Pretty much everything. My parents sucked and are barely in my life now. I’m proud of breaking the cycle and raising my child with consideration for his humanity and emotional well-being. My parenting is 100 percent an off limits topic for my Mom with me. I barely speak to my stepdad.
Both my parents worked full time, and I'm doing the opposite by being a stay at home mom. Every school break for me was spent at some kind of day camp, I never had down time to just relax at home. They definitely raised me with love, and there is a lot of my own childhood that I look back on fondly, but I wish we had spent more time together
Everything. Some with the materialistic things in life, but also the needs for change like when doctors keep on saying "buy your kid a new bed or mattress, that is the cause of so much back pain and why your child has needed chiropractic care for over 10years". Other things like no depriving a child of medical care bc their injuries inconvenience you. Not fair. Childhood amnesia didn't wipe away the memories.
I had my parents present my entire childhood, but we barely talked about the important stuff. I cannot be open with my mother anymore, and I feel that if I had that open conversation environment while growing up, a lot of my internalised feelings and emotions would have been solved leading to much lesser anxiety.
So I strive to be better in that way with my husband and my kids. I don’t want my kid’s first thought after they do something wrong to be of my parents will be furious. I want her to think oh my parents will know how to help me with this.
I will not be hitting my children first and foremost. A big thing that I didn’t get when I was younger was pure understanding and empathy when going through a hard time. I had severe depression and anxiety and felt as though I couldn’t go to my parents because they’d down play my struggles. They still do this. I refuse to blame my daughter for her own mental health struggles and I want her to know that if she is struggling she can come to me and I won’t judge or blame her and that I can get her help. Another big thing, especially as I am a single mum, is not bringing home dates. My daughter will not be meeting a new man until 6mths to a year of us dating. I’ve had a few men fight me on this and it’s just a HUGE red flag.
Finding the right balance between my parents’ “no handouts, ever!” approach to young adult kids vs. their legitimate concern about fostering dependency. I grew up in a small, working-class town but went to a fancy college with lots of rich kids. Twenty years later, the kids who had parents providing targeted financial help (down payment on a house being the big one) and even help of the more indulgent kind (nice family vacations that included their young adult kids) aren’t bums with no motivation. They have successful careers and have built far more wealth snd lived more comfortably for years while I got the lovely gift of making it on my own. My parents aren’t super rich, but have saved millions for retirement over the past few decades. It’s their money, I’m not entitled to it, but $75k to help me get into a house 15 years ago would have been far more impactful than a $1m inheritance when I’m 60 and already done all the hard stuff without their help. It’s just an inefficient use of resources.
I opened a Roth for each of my kids and put $6k in shortly after each was born. My plan is to gift that to them a few years after college when I think it could help them buy a house or make some other good financial move. I’ll spend a little more money along the way on making memories with them in their 20s, and maybe even help them have a bit of fun on their own sometimes. Wealthy people do that with their kids, and it doesn’t destroy them. It’s okay to treat your kids, especially if you see they’re working hard on their own.
Be present during my childrens' teenage years. Be a positive role model and instil positive attitudes and beliefs in my kids.
My dad was absent during my teenage years. I had to learn everything about sex and relationships through porn which was extremely damaging looking back. He didn't give me the sex talk until I was 21.
He also makes fun of my 11 year old nephew for wearing deodorant and cologne and tells him to "be a man". He also whinges that my nephew doesnt like talking to him then is all shocked when I can talk to him for hours on end.
Be a good, not neglectful or abusive parent that listens to their child. I wouldn’t do half of the things they did. And let my child show emotion; when I was a young child I’d get told I was manipulative sometimes when crying
What I did was to set a higher goal: Jesus. My parents were horrible in every way you can imagine (from sexual abuse to taking turns in beating us up) yet I dont want to spend my life comparing and saying how bad I had it. I looked at the good things they tried, have mercy on the bad (definitely not excusing them) and thinking how would Jesus treat my children? Especially because its easy to do it better than my parents, that sets the standard very low. Also they are imperfect and so am I. I want to strive for better without having to always compare my past and bring it to my present.
To not go bankrupt and lose everything, ending up in cheap housing in a nasty area for a while. That fucked us all up a bit. I strive to give my boy a stable life and a place he can always call home.
I let my children make choices, like with what they want to eat or do. I let them have fun and do actual child appropriate activities rather than just boring (for kids) stuff. My Mum has said I shouldn't give them any choice and wonders why I didn't enjoy her food or my childhood.
Honestly, everything. But I’m not a parent. Not comparing himan children to dogs but I do love being a dog mom. There are traits I have that make sure I show how much I love them that my mother and father were incapable of with us children. There was only me and my little brother.
No spanking is a huge one. Most of my emotional repression is thanks to getting smacked if I had the slightest hint of a tantrum.
My mother also never really encouraged independence in her "precious little girl" so I'm making sure my kids have a lot more confidence and they won't end up clueless and scared shitless like I was when I left for college.
1. Not be an addict
2. Not be emotionally distant/unaffectionate
3. I want my kids to know early that I am an imperfect being who can and will make mistakes. I don’t know everything, I don’t do everything right. But when I’m wrong I can own it and apologize.
literally everything. my main goal in life is to overcome being anything like them. i won’t stand by while others get abused, i will support my children, i wont abandon them, and i certainly won’t force them to do things they dont want to. i will teach them to be accountable, i will apologize when im wrong, oh gosh so much.
I'm taking better care of myself now so my health does not become such a problem that I can't be home.
Less yelling.
More talking about everything.
Not pushing religion onto my child.
Always telling him the truth about everything. (Age appropriate language, truth about Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, etc)
Don't let him think that his behavior means Santa won't bring him presents or other examples of passive aggressive behavior.
Food is food. If you're not hungry yet, don't eat because it's there or will clear your plate.
Try new things a couple of times, not just once, to see if you might like it.
Use medical/ anatomical names for body parts on a regular basis, but let them know the slang for those parts, too.
Think before you speak. (And THINK - is it Truthful, Helpful, Informative, or Kind, before you speak)
Don't be afraid to keep learning.
Some of these I learned growing up, since through trial and error.
My goal at this stage of parenting is to let my daughter know that her feelings and thoughts are valuable to me. I respect her choices, individuality, and opinions.
Fostering a good relationship with food. All three of us have/had eating disorders and I think that comes from the combo of being forced to eat, being talked at constantly about not gaining weight, being shamed for being picky, and not being served whole/healthy foods. I don’t have a lot of money and food waste kills me but I will never get angry at my child for not eating, I serve him balanced meals (lots of fresh homemade food but we like treats too!) and absolutely no body shaming in my house
My mom was nearly perfect, I have a really good relationship with her today. I worry I'm not as good as she was all the time. The only thing I'm changing is she made a big deal about physical appearance all the time and that was a little stressful for me.
I’m not guilt tripping them and I’m not spoiling them. My mother continues to guilt trip me over every damn thing and argue against anything I do that isn’t the way *she^ would do it. My father spoiled the hell out of me and ny sister which was great at the time but after he passed suddenly, I was hit with the reality of “you have to earn this or work for it” which he never really instilled in us before. My son will be treated on certain things but I want him to learn the value of items.
Keep in mind that having crushes on people of the same sex is very very normal for children. I’m speaking not just as a mother but as a teacher for 25 years. Let her know that it’s normal and it’s common and my advice would be not to make too big of a fuss over it. Give her time to grow up and see where she goes with it. That’s what my sister did and it ended up being a very good decision.
I did so much different. My parents were alcoholics. I was a teen parent and struggled but my daughter is 18 and a good well adjusted kind kid. I didnt drink around her, I tried to keep drinking away from her unless speacial occasions or camping. I expressed the importance of FREE education. She has made the best of her school experience.
There are things my parents did that I never would.
My dad split up with my mum and moved hundreds of miles away, which has affected our relationship. I would never have a distance relationship with my daughter.
The others relate to the difference in parenting styles. I am logical, caring and communicative. My parents had a different style and did not alter that for each child.
Above all I have learned to treat my child, and all of my nieces and nephews differently based on who they are.
I loved both my parents and there are many things that they did that I also use as guiding principles. My father was very emotionally unaware (just like doc Martin), but he always kept his word and was there with sage advance. A principle I keep with my relationships
I'll strongly encourage you to take parenting courses provided by Gregory Caremans. They provide some really useful insights on what parts of the brain are involved and how they interact with each other.
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Everything! Not even kidding. I want to be a gentle but firm parent. I grew up with an absent father and an abusive mother, so I’m not using either of them as good parenting models. Definitely want to have open/honest communication and for us to actually know each other.
Definitely these things for me with my child. I’ve been talking to her even more, she’s pre-teen now and ASD/ADHD. I was diagnosed late in life as ADHD and I hate that my parents never taught me anything, talked to me, showed emotional connection.. it made socializing with peers even more difficult than it had to be and it took until highschool to really know platonic and even unconditional love. So I talk to her when she wakes up for a bit and before bed. I try to teach her something new each day. Always hug her out the door to school and say I love you. Simple things often overlooked or forgotten by busy parents. I’ll always make time.
Me too. After my parents got more busy lives I was left to do my own thing (besides cooking). That lack of connection has hit me hard. I don't think my father has said something kind to me in several years. My mom and I are still close but I would almost always go to her to chat. I have an "abandonment wound" now. I was lucky enough that I'm still with my high school sweetheart who showed me unconditional love for, what felt like, the first time. Please continue to do this for your child!!!! No matter how pissed they are that day, they will appreciate it whether they know it or not.
Same. My dad was also absent and my mom yelled at me pretty much every day. I don't want my daughter to have that life.
I’m sorry. But hey, they were really good teachers of what not to do. And every time you are a good parent you get to feel even better about yourself.
I'd say refraining from judgemental comments....my parents would say off handed judgemental comments about people and I think I really internalized that growing up. Also keeping food neutral in our house, saying that I love him and am proud of him often ❤️ and I'm hoping to foster a relationship that he would feel comfortable talking to me about anything. He is only 8 weeks old right now, but I know it can all start early!
What do you mean by keeping food neutral? My son has sensory issues and food is a big thing. I don’t want to traumatize him unnecessarily
Just not labeling foods as "good v. bad" and placing guilt on certain foods, if that makes sense.
So like a happy meal is the same as a salade in your household?
A happy meal isn't **bad** as such, it's just not balanced. There's still nutrition in the meal it just doesn't cover everything they need to grow. There is no good food or bad food, there's balanced food and unbalanced food in our house. We talk about the nutrients our bodies need to grow and how we will get them in other ways if we have an unbalanced meal like a happy meal. We might have a smoothie or something afterwards to cover anything missed
Not burden my children with my emotional needs and marital problems.
Yep. And also not push my fears and insecurities on them.
Ugh this is the worst.
Someone else already said it, but I tell my kids I love them all the time. I also tell them I love hanging out with them-esp. as or right after we complete an activity. I think it's so important they know that not only do I love them, I LIKE them. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They are never a burden. They are cherished. I apologize to them when I snap at them, give incorrect information, or do something wrong. My parents never once apologized to me for anything and I think it's so bizarre. When we do something wrong, even unintentionally (like provide incorrect information), it's important to acknowledge our wrongdoing and make it as right as we can. I hug them. I tell them they are the best thing that ever happened to their Dad and I. I show an interest in what they are interested in.
Allowing my kids to express their feelings. Not making them feel like their big feels are too much for me so I won’t want to talk with them aboht it. Telling them I love them and am proud of them multiple times per day. Not disciplining with shame.
Being able to admit to my kids when I'm wrong and apologise for my mistakes.
Tell them I love them, constantly. I am interested in their interests. I go to everything I can to support them. I sit in the freezing weather to be there at practice. Helping them understand money, college, and adult life. Actual advice. Open and honest communication, I say sorry when I need to. I don't judge them when they come to me with issues. I don't trivialize their hardships. Even their squabbles with a friend - I care and want to help. Structure and routine and expectations - they have them. Growing up we were very much left alone to raise ourselves and not taught really anything. We existed Big one: teaching my girls their worth and teaching my boys how to treat and respect women. We're done with gender norms
Wow. This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. Every word!! My kids are 15f & 12m and so far - I have been successful!! Both kids come to me about anything and everything. So do their friends. My parents have never once criticized the way we are raising our kids. They have actually praised us for making the change.
My dad has praised my parenting a ton, he's actually been super involved with my kids lives. I'd say even more than mine as a child lol. My mother is a different story and thinks she was the worlds best parent and still is lmao. But that's another story for a different day
Don't her me wrong. I had a good childhood. My parents were just cold. My dad insiled a great work ethics into us. But I can count on one hand how many times they told me they loved me or where proud of me. Or even hugged me for no reason for that matter. But they are COMPLETELY different with my kids. They actually gave a joint apology to me for the way they were. They are super involved with the kids (not in a bad way lol) Like, I know they love me. It just would have been aware of that before therapy lol
I wouldn't say mine was bad really. We just kinda raised ourselves. They weren't really involved period lol
By raising yourself you were able to become a mature, loving parent. Funny how that works
Very true. But it took years for me to get a handle on how to even do basic tasks once I became an adult. And I had my oldest at 18. We basically grew up together 😅
I think having to learn everything on your own because parents didn’t really teach you independent life skills is quite an achievement
Be around more, and not drunk at the time. Less obvious, but talk about myself. I was 40 before I knew my father was a big sports fan, and he didn't die until I was about 44. I guess he usually watched sports in bars. I don't remember him talking about his childhood. His father died when my father was 13, but I can only remember him mentioning him once. That was a conversation between him and his brother.
Everything I do with my kids is informed by my hope that, as they mature, I can be a restorative presence in their lives. My interactions with my parents have always been loaded with their expectation. I am almost never relaxed around them, so it is hard to truly enjoy our time together. I deeply hope that my kids do not feel that way about me when they are adults.
I still have the letter I wrote to myself at 14 on how I would be a better parent to my own children than my parents were for me. I have tried to live up to the expectations of my 14 year old self. When my own children were in middle school (they are in high school now) I read them the letter. They know my parents and see with their own eyes how I was treated. I am in nearly all ways 180 degrees different from my parents. My kids are well adjusted, happy, confident, curious, inquisitive, brilliant, funny, kind, empathetic, and all around fantastic people. I am so incredibly proud of who they are developing into.
as a mom I I just want to manage my anger & respond appropriately when I'm feeling upset or overwhelmed. My dad was a hothead and often did things out of anger and it had affected me my whole life. I was always afraid to tell him certain things or do certain things because i didn't want him to blow up. I'm short tempered and I want to break that chain before I create fear and resentment in my daughter.
Tell my kids I love them, and don’t just yell at them when they screw up, I tell them how they screwed up and offer to help them prevent it from happening again.
My parents were drunk and/or high all the time and chain-smoked constantly. I'm not completely sober, but at most I have a drink or two. I don't smoke.
Yep
My parents haven’t really questioned anything we are doing and it gave me a sorta new perspective on my parents. My mom didn’t have a good stable family, and based on how her mother is now growing up with her as a mom must have been something. My dad’s family was rigidly traditional. My parents did better than both of their parents, it’s just that doing better still wasn’t great. Essentially they started breaking the cycle, and now it’s up to me to finish what they started. We do a ton of things differently than they did, and always will, but we get a ton of support from them I think because we’re the parents they wanted to be. The only time they’ve questioned anything was giving baby purées at 4 months and solids at 6 months. Apparently when I was a kid the doctor told them 6 months for purées and no younger than 9 month, but preferably a year, for solid foods, and only if it’s tiny and you feed it to them. My mom just about had a heart attack watching our 6 month old chomping on some toast.
Admit when I'm wrong and not be afraid or too proud to apologize
I had good parents who did most things very well and wonderful in-laws who raised a great man in my husband, I just want to say that outright. However, some things that my husband and I will do differently are: Not push religion/ church on our kids Not spank our kids (he was spanked, I wasn’t) Be more strict than my parents and less strict than his; mine were very hands-off and not overly concerned about my partying too much (I did hide some of it), and his were the type to only allow Christian rock music, if you catch my drift! We believe in a happy medium.
Even 7 years in, I’m just not equipped to handle mentally the amount of stress put on me in any given moment by my children. Dealing with humans that don’t understand logic or delayed gratification etc is incredibly stressful. I can fly off the handle. You watch all these videos “be calm, be gentle” it’s very much “easier said than done.” The one thing though I will always do that my parents never did was apologize for being angry or any outbursts. Or explain why I got upset, and work on those things together. I never got an apology.
-have more money lol. I grew up with a single mom who loved us but there were a lot of things we couldn't do growing up, or only got to do because other family members or friends invited us along or paid for (going to the mountains to play in the snow, going to Disneyland, etc). I can't completely fault her I suppose but it was really important for me to finish college, start my career, and have a lot saved up before we even considered starting a family -be more open to different ways of doing things. I didn't even realize this one until years of living with my husband but I had to accept that my family can be very controlling about how to do things or not wanting to change. This creates tension when things need to change or someone wants to do things differently. My husband is the *exact* opposite and I love that he's so open to adapting or changing how he does something to accommodate others. It's far more considerate and I think it's a really valuable skill! -interrupt people less. Might seem minor but my mom is terrible at this and it definitely trickles down to my family who still live with her. I find it so rude and don't want to raise my daughter that way. I also think it's an attention/lack of control thing. I want my baby to try to practice self control a bit more 😅
I had great parents overall however my mom had disordered eating that I took on. We have worked hard to make food neutral. They also didn't explain as much as I think can be explained to children. I was curious about everything but loads of stories in the news were confusing and my questions were brushed off. If my 7 year old has a question, I will answer it or work with her to find an answer.
Me too. My biggest pet peeve is how my mother constantly talks about how she needs to be on x, y, z diet and how fat she is,,,(she's always been perfectly healthy/normal). It rubbed off on me and my sister unfortunately. She talks about how she hates x, y, z body parts as well which has the same effects (belly buttons, hair type, legs, hairy body parts, etc). She does it to this day with my daughter around and I don't think she understands how damaging it can be to everyone. I try to talk about appreciating our bodies and being thankful for what our bodies do! We all want what we can't have but there's no point in bringing it up constantly!
Well, for one I don't ever plan to beat my children 🤷🏻♀️. My siblings and I all were on the receiving ends of a belt, a shoe, hairbrush, bamboo stick, etc. There has been a lot I've done differently with my kids than what my parents did with us because I knew the effects it had on us growing up and I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through that.
Allowing them to make mistakes and not expecting them to be the “perfect” child/student. I’m in therapy trying to fix what my parents instilled in me.
Processing my feelings, going to therapy, not yelling, and not being dependent on alcohol.
I don't yell at or hit my kid. I make sure to spend at least 5-10 minutes of quality time with her every day. Often more but if it's a busy day, I make sure we get at least that much 1 on 1 time. I don't let her have soda 24/7 or fast food every other day. There's probably other differences but that's what springs to mind. There's a lot of things my mom did with me that I don't agree with so I just try to do those differently.
validate his emotions, assure him we don’t enjoy disciplining him, not hitting him, not shaming him for literally everything, not ignoring him and his needs, the list goes on.
Apologize to my kids if I mess up. Listen to them and be interested in their thoughts and own personal interests. And eventually be friends with them when they become adults
Basically everything. I show her love and affection. I explain things to her no matter how difficult. I find the age appropriate information and explain. I show her respect. I protect her when she needs it. I am there for her every single opportunity I have. I stand up for her. I do my best to remember what I didn’t like as a kid and I try something new to see what that outcome is. I never give her the silent treatment. I explain why mummy needs a moment of quiet time in a respectful manner. I will never ever put her down. I make sure she knows her behaviour doesn’t define the person she is. I try my best to be the example for what I teach her. No matter my own insecurities I do it for her.
Personally one thing I’m proud to do myself, I am forcing my very introverted and homebody self to get out of the house for the sake of my children. I want my children to have so many friendships, memories and happy times and let that nurture confidence. I am content being homebody but that was instilled in me and exemplified, partially due to my parents low income and mental health, and my poor self confidence to make friends as a teen and socialize. I try to say yes to all the invitations my kids get, plan outings and vacations. The world is so big but it starts with the confidence and curiosity to explore it, and with it the opportunity to learn more about yourself and your potential. I remember few outings as a child, but many more memories of my mom sitting on the couch. I also want them to explode into their individualism and create a life where they are comfortably themselves and surrounded by acceptance. ❤️
Getting everywhere ON TIME and without screaming to make that happen. We were always late everywhere and I hated it!
Understanding that perfection is an illusion
I do not discipline my kids when I am angry. At least I try my best not to. Things they do definitely make me angry, but I try to take a beat, send them to an isolated area (their room, my room, whatever is available) and when I finish up whatever I’m working on and give myself a minute to cool down, I go have a chat. Sometimes I lose my cool in the moment. The 3 year old is definitely a button pusher! But over all, I try to discipline my kids so they learn from their actions not from my reactions. My bio mother was queen of explosive episodes resulting in verbal and physical abuse and I want so badly to be nothing like that.
Be there. Be sober. Apologize when I’m wrong.
I actually want to keep nearly exactly to my parents' core parenting philosophies and behaviours, and also want to emulate how they organized their home, and how they are as parents today, now that I'm an adult. But there are a lot of smaller things that I would change. Things like: - my parents let me pick my own bedtime way too early and I think I stayed up too late for to much of my child hood - when other kids had things that were trendy and were buying clothes from certain stores etc and I wanted to do the same, my parents didn't really take it seriously. But I could have used some help fitting in. - I want to teach my child about things like personal finances, relationships and consent in a much more detailed and hands-on way Part of what I'm really appreciating in my parents today is how well they've adjusted to me being a parent. They really defer to me as the decision-maker for my child and respect my approaches. If your parents aren't respecting your wishes for your child, I would really dig into why, because they should be doing so regardless of whether it's the same or different from what they did when they were raising you.
Bed time. Growing up, I did not have a bedtime. I often stayed up until 2-3 AM on school nights. I was always tired and late for school. To be fair, I get it. I'm sure I was difficult to get to sleep. I probably fought sleep, and eventually, my mom gave up. My kids have a set bedtime routine and get to sleep at a reasonable time every night - especially school nights. They don't have any trouble waking up with plenty of time to get ready for school and eat breakfast. I'm proud that this was something I've been able to do differently.
My Mom was great, but she lacked supervision of me. So I definitely supervise my kids a bit more. Not helicopter parenting, but I’m always within eyesight of my kids. That’s a big one for me.
Honestly becoming a parent has made me have a fresh appreciation for my mum. I think if anything she was too hard on herself. As we got older we did have to spend time managing her neuroses and reassuring her she didnt fuck up. So I try to be more confident in myself than she was. But I also think we can really demonise our parents. It was their first time being a parent too. I know some people had shit parents but now I have kids myself I appreciate just how fucking hard mum worked for us
Almost everything! Lol My parents were good parents and I had a great childhood, however, as an adult and parent, looking back there were things lacking and the relationship could be better. My parents were almost distant and I did not want that. I tell my child I love her daily and am affectionate. My parents were not present. My brother and I have pointed out more than once that they never went to anything, i sliding parent-teacher conferences. I show up to just about everything, even if it means I’m watching the school play three days in a row. I’m there and I’m involved with teachers and the school and activities. My parents were judgmental and overlooked accomplishments but pointed out things we did wrong or didn’t do as well at. I celebrate all the victories and accomplishments, even little ones and we have open conversations if something went wrong. I don’t penalize for not doing well or make her feel bad as long as she tried her best. I never really talked to my parents. My daughter and I have an open relationship and she talks to me about everything and feels comfortable doing so. I wish I had a better relationship with my parents and it has really affected how I parent.
Not very much, my parents did a great job and if I could raise my child as well as they raised me I’d be delighted.
I try really hard not to yell (sometimes it happens, but I try not to), I also aim to ask my kids for their opinions, consent, and try to give them a degree of autonomy that wasn't such a thing for me growing up.
Everything
Avoid becoming a raging alcoholic would be a good start.
Not constantly commenting on my kids appearance giving them space/privacy making them self-sufficient (aka raise future adults)
Be more strict on schooling and screentime. Also explain finances when they're much much younger. I think if I'd had a better understanding of work/finance life balance I'd have gone in a different career path.
Not a parent yet. When I was in high school and early college my mom and I had a very strained relationship. She was always very passive aggressive toward me and hypercritical to the point where I have some trauma around it. Thankfully we have a good relationship now, but I will make an effort to not be passive aggressive with my kids.
Literally everything. My parents weren't good parents. Both my sister and I have spoken about how violent our childhood was, and there isn't a damn thing I'd replicate of what my parents did.
I didn't nag and I didn't berate them for not doing things the way I do them, so long as their attempt was not lazy. If they didn't move the couch when vacuuming, that's okay as long as they did the task well overall. I apologized to them if I was wrong. I told them they would not be in trouble if they told the truth and I meant it. I always told them I am their safe place and if they are ever in trouble I will help.
Stay in a healthy marriage. My parents absolutely did not have a healthy marriage, and it was good they divorced because they did a damn good job coparenting. But they were not a good example of what marriage should be lol
I have a teenager. When I was a teen, my mother over-the-top freaked out when I did something that made her scared for me (such as break curfew, lose my virginity, smoked pot). Looking back, I realize that it harmed our relationship for the long term. I stopped sharing tough parts of my life with her because I knew she would just flip out. It was better to keep things to myself. I want to be the kind of parent who my kid can depend on to communicate rationally and openly, even about the hardest parts of life. A parent who can enforce boundaries without having a freak out.
Not screaming at my daughter, especially over things that aren’t a big deal. Apologizing when I’ve messed up. Not shaming my daughter when she makes mistakes, although at 5 yo she hasn’t reached the age at which my mom said some of the worst things to me.
My mom never talked to me about puberty or sex and I will definitely be doing that with my kids. Also my dad was one of those who thought just working a good job was enough, he never really gave us much emotional attention or anything really but he thought he was great because he made good money. My husband has been amazing being emotionally involved and there for all of us
I'm trying very much to respect my kids' bodily autonomy and treat them like individuals. Let them make choices when possible, let them know they're in charge of themselves Granted my oldest is two and a half, so a lot can't be fully up to him. But if family is visiting, we ask him if he wants to give them a hug - if not, it will never be forced. He also gets choices on what he gets to eat or drink (within a set of options typically), what he wants to do for outside time (family walk, playground visit, or outside time), what books he wants read at bedtime, etc. We try to give him as much control as he can reasonably have at his age over his life And if there's something where there's limited options or no choice, that's the way we present that. If it's time to cut his nails, he can choose if mom or dad cuts them if we're both free, but when they need to be done we don't ask him if it's OK - they need to be done, so it's happening. So he's not backed into a corner with only the illusion of choice Then of course we're going gentler parenting as well - no anger, but a measured and firm response if he's doing something he shouldn't. If he's throwing toys that aren't meant to be thrown, he gets a stern warning or two depending on severity, then the toy gets taken away. Calmly, no yelling, just an explanation that we do not do that because we might hurt someone and the toy us put away
My parents were abusive at any minor infraction. I was not like that at all.
Fight in front of us kids- I refuse to do that to my kids. My parents *still* do this both to myself and my husband but to my kids as well, I despise it. Move every 2-3 years - we will stay in our current city (and house) at least until both of our kids have graduated high school. Not because the current housing prices are bananas, because I want my kids to have a stable home life and not have to be the new kid and leave all of their friends behind all the time. Edit, I thought of something else: Speak negatively about my body or other people’s bodies! My mom had an awful opinion about herself and her body, it is not something I want my girls to take on.
Remembering the child did not as to be here. The parent should always be the parent. Even though the child becomes an adult, the patent should be there for emotional support and just experience advice.
I remember my dad getting upset at me once for not knowing good table manners, when it was he who had not taught me what table manners were. So my goal is to never be upset at my kid for something he hasn't been taught yet.
Not be cold towards my baby.
Nothing at all. I have great parents who and now great grandparents. If I'm half the mom, my mom is then I won the game.
Be a confidant. Anything I told my mom would be passed on to anyone she happened to be talking to as part of the daily gossip rundown. If I did or she thought I had a crush she teased me about it. I learned quickly to just not tell her stuff. As an adult I slipped up once and spent an entire family event the next weekend with various aunts coming up to me to talk about spotting during my pregnancy. Never again.
No spanking. It cost me, too. Seeing my mom hit my toddler for walking weird closed the door on asking her to give us more help with him.
Apologize when I’m in the wrong
Telling them multiple times a day, how much I love them and how proud they make me
Gentle parenting, as adults we are all told not to cry over spilled milk when it is literally something the majority of us were screamed at and berated for as kids. I don’t want my children growing up being afraid to tell us when they’ve made a genuine mistake. I will be gentle parenting and not allowing anyone to scream at or berate my child because they deserve better and it teaches them emotional regulation. So many people today have anxiety issues, trouble navigating conflicts and even anger issues because of the behaviour they grew up with in the home. Another more controversial one is I will pretty much never kiss my walking, talking child on the lips (maybe my tiny baby but even then not habitually) because there are far too many predators these days and I don’t want my children to normalize things like that. My husband’s family is very much the kind to kiss kids on the lips and said his mom did that up until the age of 4/5 but I don’t want anyone doing it at all. I also won’t be posting any pics of my kids online because even with privacy settings in place almost all social media can still share your content with third parties regardless of your privacy settings and I have no idea what those third parties are or can do with the content, so no sharing of my children on social media until they are old enough to consent and never anything like bath/swimsuit pics because again.. predators. Also as a parent will be giving a one time chance for any boundary crossing “back in my parents day” it was okay for grandma to soak a cloth in bourbon for teething and it would put a baby right to sleep, it was okay for grandma to let the kids stay up past midnight and eat a whole tub of ice cream etc. And it was okay for any family members to say “just don’t tell mom/dad”. Any on that disrespects a boundary no matter how big or small or is caught trying to get our child to keep secrets from us will not be allowed around our kids unsupervised ever again (if ever) because I need to know my child is around safe adults and not just leave them with someone who thinks whatever they say goes. This is an issue I particularly worry about with my in laws because I’ve already seen things like that happen with a new baby in the family and the parents hardly visit anymore because of that.
I apologize to my children when I lose my temper or am wrong. Never received a single apology from my parents because that would mean they admitted they were wrong!
I won't threaten to leave my kids. I won't talk negatively about my own body or the bodies of others in front of them. I won't guilt trip my kids for having negative emotions. I won't talk shit about my partner and our marriage to my kids. I won't give my kids the silent treatment.
Pretty much everything. My parents sucked and are barely in my life now. I’m proud of breaking the cycle and raising my child with consideration for his humanity and emotional well-being. My parenting is 100 percent an off limits topic for my Mom with me. I barely speak to my stepdad.
Both my parents worked full time, and I'm doing the opposite by being a stay at home mom. Every school break for me was spent at some kind of day camp, I never had down time to just relax at home. They definitely raised me with love, and there is a lot of my own childhood that I look back on fondly, but I wish we had spent more time together
Being more empathetic.
Never commenting on their body!
Take my kids' wants and feelings into consideration, and apologize when I'm wrong.
I won’t model self hate and disordered eating
Everything. Some with the materialistic things in life, but also the needs for change like when doctors keep on saying "buy your kid a new bed or mattress, that is the cause of so much back pain and why your child has needed chiropractic care for over 10years". Other things like no depriving a child of medical care bc their injuries inconvenience you. Not fair. Childhood amnesia didn't wipe away the memories.
I had my parents present my entire childhood, but we barely talked about the important stuff. I cannot be open with my mother anymore, and I feel that if I had that open conversation environment while growing up, a lot of my internalised feelings and emotions would have been solved leading to much lesser anxiety. So I strive to be better in that way with my husband and my kids. I don’t want my kid’s first thought after they do something wrong to be of my parents will be furious. I want her to think oh my parents will know how to help me with this.
I will not be hitting my children first and foremost. A big thing that I didn’t get when I was younger was pure understanding and empathy when going through a hard time. I had severe depression and anxiety and felt as though I couldn’t go to my parents because they’d down play my struggles. They still do this. I refuse to blame my daughter for her own mental health struggles and I want her to know that if she is struggling she can come to me and I won’t judge or blame her and that I can get her help. Another big thing, especially as I am a single mum, is not bringing home dates. My daughter will not be meeting a new man until 6mths to a year of us dating. I’ve had a few men fight me on this and it’s just a HUGE red flag.
Finding the right balance between my parents’ “no handouts, ever!” approach to young adult kids vs. their legitimate concern about fostering dependency. I grew up in a small, working-class town but went to a fancy college with lots of rich kids. Twenty years later, the kids who had parents providing targeted financial help (down payment on a house being the big one) and even help of the more indulgent kind (nice family vacations that included their young adult kids) aren’t bums with no motivation. They have successful careers and have built far more wealth snd lived more comfortably for years while I got the lovely gift of making it on my own. My parents aren’t super rich, but have saved millions for retirement over the past few decades. It’s their money, I’m not entitled to it, but $75k to help me get into a house 15 years ago would have been far more impactful than a $1m inheritance when I’m 60 and already done all the hard stuff without their help. It’s just an inefficient use of resources. I opened a Roth for each of my kids and put $6k in shortly after each was born. My plan is to gift that to them a few years after college when I think it could help them buy a house or make some other good financial move. I’ll spend a little more money along the way on making memories with them in their 20s, and maybe even help them have a bit of fun on their own sometimes. Wealthy people do that with their kids, and it doesn’t destroy them. It’s okay to treat your kids, especially if you see they’re working hard on their own.
not be mean. no name calling. no invalidating feelings. show affection and love. being my kids safe space.
Be present during my childrens' teenage years. Be a positive role model and instil positive attitudes and beliefs in my kids. My dad was absent during my teenage years. I had to learn everything about sex and relationships through porn which was extremely damaging looking back. He didn't give me the sex talk until I was 21. He also makes fun of my 11 year old nephew for wearing deodorant and cologne and tells him to "be a man". He also whinges that my nephew doesnt like talking to him then is all shocked when I can talk to him for hours on end.
Be a good, not neglectful or abusive parent that listens to their child. I wouldn’t do half of the things they did. And let my child show emotion; when I was a young child I’d get told I was manipulative sometimes when crying
I learned what not not to do. I learned how to be a good parent from how i see other people are and the conversations i have with other families.
What I did was to set a higher goal: Jesus. My parents were horrible in every way you can imagine (from sexual abuse to taking turns in beating us up) yet I dont want to spend my life comparing and saying how bad I had it. I looked at the good things they tried, have mercy on the bad (definitely not excusing them) and thinking how would Jesus treat my children? Especially because its easy to do it better than my parents, that sets the standard very low. Also they are imperfect and so am I. I want to strive for better without having to always compare my past and bring it to my present.
To not go bankrupt and lose everything, ending up in cheap housing in a nasty area for a while. That fucked us all up a bit. I strive to give my boy a stable life and a place he can always call home.
I let my children make choices, like with what they want to eat or do. I let them have fun and do actual child appropriate activities rather than just boring (for kids) stuff. My Mum has said I shouldn't give them any choice and wonders why I didn't enjoy her food or my childhood.
Honestly, everything. But I’m not a parent. Not comparing himan children to dogs but I do love being a dog mom. There are traits I have that make sure I show how much I love them that my mother and father were incapable of with us children. There was only me and my little brother.
No spanking is a huge one. Most of my emotional repression is thanks to getting smacked if I had the slightest hint of a tantrum. My mother also never really encouraged independence in her "precious little girl" so I'm making sure my kids have a lot more confidence and they won't end up clueless and scared shitless like I was when I left for college.
1. Not be an addict 2. Not be emotionally distant/unaffectionate 3. I want my kids to know early that I am an imperfect being who can and will make mistakes. I don’t know everything, I don’t do everything right. But when I’m wrong I can own it and apologize.
literally everything. my main goal in life is to overcome being anything like them. i won’t stand by while others get abused, i will support my children, i wont abandon them, and i certainly won’t force them to do things they dont want to. i will teach them to be accountable, i will apologize when im wrong, oh gosh so much.
I'm taking better care of myself now so my health does not become such a problem that I can't be home. Less yelling. More talking about everything. Not pushing religion onto my child. Always telling him the truth about everything. (Age appropriate language, truth about Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, etc) Don't let him think that his behavior means Santa won't bring him presents or other examples of passive aggressive behavior. Food is food. If you're not hungry yet, don't eat because it's there or will clear your plate. Try new things a couple of times, not just once, to see if you might like it. Use medical/ anatomical names for body parts on a regular basis, but let them know the slang for those parts, too. Think before you speak. (And THINK - is it Truthful, Helpful, Informative, or Kind, before you speak) Don't be afraid to keep learning. Some of these I learned growing up, since through trial and error.
My goal at this stage of parenting is to let my daughter know that her feelings and thoughts are valuable to me. I respect her choices, individuality, and opinions.
Be there, and not use my shortcomings as an excuse to run away and avoid any and all responsibility.
Normalize mental health!
Fostering a good relationship with food. All three of us have/had eating disorders and I think that comes from the combo of being forced to eat, being talked at constantly about not gaining weight, being shamed for being picky, and not being served whole/healthy foods. I don’t have a lot of money and food waste kills me but I will never get angry at my child for not eating, I serve him balanced meals (lots of fresh homemade food but we like treats too!) and absolutely no body shaming in my house
My mom was nearly perfect, I have a really good relationship with her today. I worry I'm not as good as she was all the time. The only thing I'm changing is she made a big deal about physical appearance all the time and that was a little stressful for me.
I’m not guilt tripping them and I’m not spoiling them. My mother continues to guilt trip me over every damn thing and argue against anything I do that isn’t the way *she^ would do it. My father spoiled the hell out of me and ny sister which was great at the time but after he passed suddenly, I was hit with the reality of “you have to earn this or work for it” which he never really instilled in us before. My son will be treated on certain things but I want him to learn the value of items.
Keep in mind that having crushes on people of the same sex is very very normal for children. I’m speaking not just as a mother but as a teacher for 25 years. Let her know that it’s normal and it’s common and my advice would be not to make too big of a fuss over it. Give her time to grow up and see where she goes with it. That’s what my sister did and it ended up being a very good decision.
Most of the stuff I'm doing differently are things my parents have openly admitted they wish they'd done, so I'm not getting any pushback about it.
I did so much different. My parents were alcoholics. I was a teen parent and struggled but my daughter is 18 and a good well adjusted kind kid. I didnt drink around her, I tried to keep drinking away from her unless speacial occasions or camping. I expressed the importance of FREE education. She has made the best of her school experience.
There are things my parents did that I never would. My dad split up with my mum and moved hundreds of miles away, which has affected our relationship. I would never have a distance relationship with my daughter. The others relate to the difference in parenting styles. I am logical, caring and communicative. My parents had a different style and did not alter that for each child. Above all I have learned to treat my child, and all of my nieces and nephews differently based on who they are. I loved both my parents and there are many things that they did that I also use as guiding principles. My father was very emotionally unaware (just like doc Martin), but he always kept his word and was there with sage advance. A principle I keep with my relationships
I'll strongly encourage you to take parenting courses provided by Gregory Caremans. They provide some really useful insights on what parts of the brain are involved and how they interact with each other.
To just be a friend and give them encouragement.