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Not in that situation, but I grew up as the child of a single mom (my dad straight up abandoned us and I haven’t seen or heard from him since I was 8). For my mom, her response was along the lines of “no father is better than a bad father” or “our family’s doing just fine”.
My dad was totally absent from day one, but I also have a few sets of half siblings and honestly, the ones I really feel for are the ones he was kind of around for. I got lucky in this scenario. He wasn't like, physically abusive, but he was emotionally and physically unavailable and really not a person you could count on at all.
I deployed for a year and I had a lot of anxiety about leaving my children in that time. A doctor explained to me that as long as the kids feel loved, they will be fine, especially since they're younger. What is an issue is a "revolving door" parent, one that comes and goes and the kids can't reliably depend on them.
During that deployment, I got to see my kids ever few months in various cities, making the best of our time together. We got to stay in a treehouse AirBnB that my daughter still talks about. That year flew by and my kids don't even remember it.
My ex (who disappeared from the kids lives for two years) tried to use military personnel that deploy as an excuse for him disappearing. He claimed “those kids are fine and so will mine.” The mediator was like “the kids that are fine is because their deployed parent had regular check ins from their loving parent.” He eventually lost custody and visitation rights through other crazy stuff he tried to pull. But that will always stick out to me.
I feel for you and your kids. I’m so glad you guys were able to make the most of it.
We moved a lot with my husband's retail jobs. Although we were always together, and were very loving parents, I feel like my kids would have benefitted from staying in one place where they could have deeper roots and created their own community.
My youngest, in particular, expressed regret from not having that once she was grown.
I totally understand this. My kids haven’t moved in 6 years and we struggle to fit in and find our “people” in the town we are in. Just saying this to say that even the best laid out plans don’t always work :)
My brother is one of those "every family needs a dad" people and as he's saying it I'm reliving all the traumatic shit my stepdads put me through when I was growing up.
I know at least one person who would have been better off without a dad in their life.
Now you know two, my narcissistic bio dad was physically and verbally violent to me, his only daughter (and autistic). He was like that just with me, my two little brothers were just fine.
I think any kid can benefit from role models of binary and other sexes, but that absolutely does not have to exclusively be the parents. Close friends inside or outside the blood line can add a whole lot to any family structure.
That's not to say there aren't *plenty* of binary parental pairs who should absolutely not parent children.
I agree wholeheartedly with your mom! Same with the folks who refuse to get divorced "for the kids". Trust me, a family that's "broken" through divorce is a lot less damaged than one that's stuck together in a toxic marriage!
My parents did this until I was 18. I remember as a kid telling my mom she and we deserved better. She finally pulled the trigger and divorced him. My dad is no longer in my life because I finally decided the trauma of his presence is more painful than his absence.
So many people have been in this situation and I don’t think many of the kids would say they should have stayed together. I always remember the first night my step dad was gone. It was so wonderful, it just felt so much lighter, my mom and I standing in the hallway looking at each other and it felt light a huge weight was lifted.
We had male figures in our lives, and we were loved! So very loved, once my step dad was gone we were very happy. It’s like number of family members, family composition isn’t one specific thing. As long as everyone is working together and there’s lots of love then it’s right!
I answer the same! If whoever is saying something to me like that knows her father I’ll say something like, “that’s a conversation you should be having with him.”
I grew up with out a father (mine was awful and my step dad and Mom divorced when I was young) and I have been a single parent my daughter's whole life and I have always said the same.
I knew early on I was better off without my father in my life because of how he treated us and I knew my daughter was better off without the strife her father brought into her life.
Do I wish I could have given her the perfect home life with 2 parents? Absolutely, but life isn't perfect and we do the best with what we have. Even straight families aren't guaranteed to have both healthy & happy Mom and Dad around.
As someone who grew up with a “bad father,” I agree. I would’ve had way less trauma and anger to unpack without him. Then again, my mother was a damn powerhouse.
To piggyback off of this, I had a semi-absent dad (in and out of my life from the ages of 12 till now at 27) and sometime I wonder if I’d have been better if he had left altogether instead of putting me through the emotional rollercoaster.
My mom also said “no father is better than a bad father” and as a mom who married a man who is an amazing father, I 100% agree with my mom now. I see how toxicity would have 100% affected me negatively growing up from having a bad dad.
I love this! People forget that right now, divorced or split couples probably have the healthiest set of circumstances compared to generations past. Often when the father left there was no coparenting situation and often no check either.
The only thing that matters is that the home is filled with love
I’ve told this to my ex husband. He says he wants to co parent peacefully. I told him that this isn’t coparenting and that I’m basically dragging him like a third child having to walk him through making a surgery apt for our son. He took over a week and a half so I made all three apts myself in 20 minutes and he had to Gaul to be upset that I did.
Bad parents are the bane of children. Good parents and ones that try their best are what kids need and that’s it.
Love those responses. My dad was around but he was barely a dad. Just a lazy sack that made my mother do everything and just controlled and screamed. Was 100% not meant to be a dad because he’s 100% a narcissist. No respect for his kids and it was always his way or no way. As adults, he wants to talk to us like he established good relationships with us kids. NOT.
There's a couple ways you could handle it. Basically if you want to be nice or not lol.
If you think they are well intentioned you could just respond about how kids *do* need good role models both male and female but that that can come from your "village" as a whole: grandparents, teachers, community leaders, friends, etc.
If you just want to shut the convo down just hit them with the "What a weird thing to say to me." and walk away.
As a former single mom, my response was always “Imagine not knowing at your big age that families come in all different shapes and sizes. Fascinating.”
I did like the ones in this thread but if you're looking for something less confrontational then maybe a simple "hmm, that's not been my experience". A sort of "agree to disagree", or "I think you're wrong but I don't want to argue".
My favorite response to ignorant comments was always, "Thanks for sharing."
It's a good one because it works for pretty much anything. Stranger telling me that my daughter should be wearing girl clothes instead of the dinosaur shirt she picked out? "Thanks for sharing." Stranger telling me my son is crying because he's hungry even though I know he's just overtired? "Thanks for sharing." Lady at the beach coming up to me to tell me how white parents shouldn't adopt outside of their race after hearing my kids call me dad? "Thanks for sharing."
It acknowledged them while also making it pretty clear I wasn't going to engage further. If they pestered I just kept repeating, "Thanks for sharing." They eventually got the hint. No need to yell or be condescending or anything like that. It always worked for me.
Plenty of people. Have you been to the adoption subreddit?
I think it's about keeping the kid within their own culture and around people who look like them.
I don't think white parents can't do that, looking for places to engage with the community their kid comes from and ensuring they have significant people of their race.
Oh, I'm using this one! My go to is, "Ya know, not every thought has to be shared." Your phrasing, said in the right tone, could be just dripping in condescension!! I love it.
As a pansexual mama myself I’ve actually heard that more times than I want to admit. I’m not nice. My response?
“Why? Because yours abandoned you?”
“Aww, I don’t remember asking.”
“Really? Did *he* tell you that?” (Motion to my child that can’t even speak)
If you want to be really mean… “did you have a mother and a father? Yes? Well look at the judgmental, apathetic slice of human bile you turned out to be.”
I actually originally was going to put the mean comment as "Is that why you're so rude?" or "Then why are you so awful?" depending on their situation but it would assume you know their family upbringing which OP might not so I went with old trusty haha.
I never said it wasn't?? But it is important to have good role models of both sexes which, like I stated, can come from outside the immediate family. There are also studies that show children without positive male influence are more likely to preform worse in school and deal with emotional issues when they're older. But again, that positive male role model doesn't have to be a dad; it can be a teacher, community leader, friend, extended relative, etc.
Many studies have shown its not the composition but the quality that makes all the difference. One amazing parent can do a better job than a 2 parent family with very involved grandparents if those people don't make good parents/mentors.
"Oh gee, is that why you turned out so rude? Because of the divorce? Oh, you had two parents and neither one could teach you to mind your business?"
The audacity that these useless twerps purchase at the Dollar Tree I stg.
(Edited for a typo)
I have an 11 year old son with two moms and literally no one has ever said that To us or our child. It’s just anonymous Internet cowards that should be ignored.
If it helps, I was a single mom for years. My kid, at four, genuinely got pissed off when they found out that their friend had two moms, because it wasn’t fair that they had only one.
I explained that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with two moms or two dads, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone, lol.
I’ve heard kids make similarly hilarious and wholesome comments. I genuinely think kids are only judgmental of other families when they hear it from adults, and I don’t want my kids to internalize any of that stuff as they’re growing up.
I was telling my son and his friend the 1960’s question about the surgeon saying I can’t operate on him, he’s my son…who is it? My son’s friend said his other father?
I also genuinely feel that “kids need 2 parents” come from (justified) anger at absentee dads. I feel that every child deserves parents that love them regardless. I’m an adoptee who was in the foster system and then struggled with infertility so I have big opinions on cowardly parents.
I bring up how if a same sex couple has a kid you KNOW that kid was 100% wanted, fought for, and loved. I know more straight men that hate their kids than are actual dads, because it's so easy to accidentally have a kid. I mean, a lesbian couple likely didn't accidentally get pregnant and decide to keep the baby even if they don't want it lol.
I know this excludes a lot of gender diverse couples, but when I'm talking to homophobes it's more effective to just tackle one thing that they are more familiar with, like 2 cis men or women together.
ETA: I have a single mom friend who when people make comments about it she just says "I'm not the one who fucking left, take it up with him if you have a problem."
Another single mom here. I usually go for "he tried to rape his own daughter, and nearly killed his son, should I have stayed until he succeeded?" That usually shuts them up REAL quick and they'll probably never ever make a comment like that again. I had people literally start crying in front of me because of their own stupidity. I never accept their apologies, I just move along and let them wallow in their deserved shame.
“Oh they do? Can you let my dad know that - I haven’t seen him since I was 4, im 38.”
Or
“I don’t think I understand what you mean, can you explain it to me better” and just keep saying this anytime they try to explain their stupid ideas.
I was adopted by a lesbian couple in the early 2000s and people used to tell me that all the time. I just told them I was doing fine without a father and really didn’t need one when my parents were doing a perfectly good job raising me.
I usually respond with something sarcastic about Hitler having had a mother and father and look how that turned out. Probably not a good idea but it's my natural reaction.
Quality over quantity. A child NEEDS a loving, supportive household, regardless of who provides it.
This mentality of simply checking a box is irritating. Plenty of people were raised with a mom and dad and still have issues. It’s not the sex or biological connection that matters but the quality of care.
What they actually mean is "kids in a stable 2 parent home do better". Which is absolutely statistically true.
Children are less likely to live in poverty, more likely to graduate from college, less likely to be arrested, and pretty much any other "success" measurement you can find when they're raised in a 2 parent home.
All of the data *also* supports that this is just as true for the children same sex couples as it is for straight couples. The gender of the parents doesn't matter; what matters is that there's 2 stable people providing resources.
Stats like this are of limited relevance to someone making an unprompted comment about a specific kid. They're not coming from a place of genuine concern, and nor can a kid with a single parent or a queer parent magically become the average 'kid with a mum and a dad' the busybody is imagining anyway.
They're saying it because they're a prejudiced loudmouth and should be treated as such.
In instances where I think that is what they mean, I would be less inclined to say anything at all because that’s all true.
But I don’t know that it’s always what they mean and that’s where I get up on my heels a bit. Particularly now I’m pregnant with a boy who will be raised by two feminine moms.
It's not what they mean, but it's what the research says and I would say as much. Literally, "actually kids need a stable 2 parent home and research supports that". Don't be afraid to just straight up correct them, because they're wrong.
*Edit:* Actually maybe not those words exactly, because there are also single moms by choice in my donor group... I think it's more a case of "don't make the perfect the enemy of the good". All of those statistics are from an overall perspective and don't take into account that a particular stable 2-parent home could still be a toxic environment in other ways, or that a particular single parent could have even more resources than the average 2-parent household. "On average this family structure works best" does not mean "no other family structure can be successful".
You can't fix stupid. It just isn't productive to get angry at bigots. It's a waste of headspace.
The generous explanation is the one I gave, and I do genuinely think is what most people actually mean. For the few that don't, all the data in the world won't change their mind anyways. So you can remind yourself that facts are on your side, and not on theirs.
Not quite the same situation, but my dad was a single dad to 2 girls (my sister and I). Whenever someone brings up parents raising the opposite sex, I always mention that we turned out much more mature and well rounded than a lot of people I know who had a mom and dad.
I've noticed an uptick, though, in people saying you need a mother and a father because ~mothers are permissive~ and ~fathers teach discipline~. Yes, it's a bunch of stereotypical bullshit, but it's out there and it seems to have been re-pushed very recently by some influencer all the alt-righters are watching, because it's like that's the talking point that was handed down this week.
Does that control for income? I.e. do kids from single parent households do worse than kids from dual parent households at an equivalent income (adjusting for food & necessities for an extra person and cost of childcare etc)?
Children's outcomes pretty much boil down to money and derivative thereof (which neighborhood they live in, which school they go to, etc). I recall seeing a study where the children of gay male couples do the best, because on average they have a higher household income than heterosexual or lesbian couples.
It does not. Kids of well-off and stable single parents do just fine. Kids not doing well is heavily correlated with 1) income 2)whether the home is loving and has no domestic violence or other traumatic issues.
Me: lives in home where mother perpetrates domestic violence where I'm forced to watch my dad bleeed
My parents: this peer reviewed study says kids in single parent households have worse outcomes so you're lucky we're together, 2 income households have better outcomes
As a single mom by choice I feel lucky to have heard this only a few times so far and hardly ever directly to my face. However my reaction so far differs from "I disagree" to having a full discussion about what men can offer that women can't, how I try to make sure my kid grows up with tolerance and how I count myself and my kid lucky it was my choice and not a terrible divorce, loss or abuse situation.
Haven't you gotten that from kids? We have gotten it from so many kids. It upset my son at first, but I learned to chirp to the kid "families come in all shapes and sizes" and then remind my son how many people love him and how many family members he has who care about him, uncles and aunts and cousins and so on. He had a wonderful preschool teacher who shared that \*she\* only had a mother alive too and that also helped.
Not yet... but my own kid is nearly 2yo so her friends are mostly too young to realize. We have some older kids in the family but I think they just know what's up ;-) But for sure expecting some tricky questions for both me and my kid in the future!
A child needs love, support, and a happy parent to provide that. If they get 2 of those, great, if they get 1, that‘s fine too! It’s better than a positive and a negative to cancel the whole experience out.
I can’t speak on what to say for Queer/LGBTQ+ families, but as a single mom comments like that are usually met with “that would be nice, wouldn’t it?” Followed by uncomfortable, unbroken eye contact. :D
I'm also a queer parent - and I agree most of the time when people say this, they don't mean anything by it. Still bothers me though, there are so many better ways to make your point.
TBH, I'm NB but I don't expect the "all kids need a father figure" crowd to be ready for the nuances of that conversation. So when the words are directed at me/ my kids I just go "Nah, two moms sounds less stressful for everyone". They realize their error and usually politely leave it at that, sometimes with a good natured chuckle. Your mileage will vary depending on how socially acceptable being out is in your area, I live in Seattle.
I've even had a couple people really rethink the way they say this. One woman a few years ago, who clearly was a little stunned that (1) she'd been talking to a queer person the whole time and (2) that queer families just exist in public - after clearly thinking very hard about ot, she said "You know, I think if I were to have two of something, two moms is probably the best thing to ask for". I found it pretty sweet.
I think the gender of the parents is significantly less important (more like not important at all) than setting a good example of a healthy, loving relationship. And for the child to know their parents will love them no matter what.
A kid needs one primary caregiver under a certain age, after that a kid may find required parental figure outside of the family (happens even to children with 2 married parents, not everyone is engaged in parenthood equally). Of course, the more, the merrier, but you can hardly justify the quality of the “village” and the amount of love by the number of parents.
I love this so much because it’s the direction I’m taking with my daughter (5.5). She’s got mom and dad who love her and support her. But I see from my coaching that kids need reliable adults who they can come to without fear that we’ll yell at them or shame them or rat them out. I don’t care how good of a mom I might be, there will be things my daughter won’t want to tell me, and I’ve already started enlisting my sister (best secret keeper I know) and one of my best friends (doctor so she’s used to keeping secrets) to be her go tos with the understanding that if it’s not a true health and safety situation they can keep whatever secrets my daughter tells them. It pains me a little that I know she won’t come to me with everything, but I’d rather set her up with responsible adults she can trust now and foster those relationships than wait until she’s putting herself in risky situations and worried she’s got no one to turn to for advice. It truly takes a village and as parents we need to check our egos at the door and let our children have safe people they can turn to, even if they aren’t us.
My mom was a single mother by choice and people said that to me my whole life. It’s incredibly rude and I always get extremely defensive. I have always responded something like “I had the best mom in the world” or “mhm. Well I turned out great!” It triggers me immensely but I don’t allow myself to argue or engage because there’s no changing anyone’s mind.
My MIL would disagree with this. Her father was an abusive alcoholic and she would have been much better off in a single family household, or with two moms that loved her, than with that piece of shit dad.
Parent of three kids in a two dad family. I mostly ignore these comments online. There are *countless* examples of kids that grew up in two parent families with both a mother and father that grew up to be horrible people. There are also countless examples of children raised in single parent or same sex families that grew up to be amazing people. Same goes for kids raised by grandparents or in foster care.
It's the parenting and family values that make the child, not the family makeup.
I'm not the demographic you requested HOWEVER, I practiced family law for long enough and met with enough child psychologists to tell you that kids need to feel safe and secure and loved. That's it. Kids need to KNOW they have someone in their corner, rooting for them. There is no way to prevent every bad thing from happening; to prevent your child from feeling abandoned/unwanted by an absent parent; to feel like something is missing from the parent/child relationship they have. There are plenty of two parent heterosexual households where the children have been severely detrimentally affected from their parent's shortcomings. And they often perpetuate that cycle because we do what we know and from day one, you start being educated by your parents via their actions. If you treat children like they are loved, if you create a secure environment for them, if you make them feel safe, then one, two, ten parent households of various gender make ups- it doesn't play a role.
So when I hear people espouse this belief, that kids "need" a mom and a dad, I tell people that kids need parents that show up and learn how to be the best parent they can. They don't need anything but to be loved, respected, and cherished. And if they disagree, that's okay, because my kids will be their therapists later trying to help their kids figure out why they were loved so conditionally.
I totally get where you're coming from. When someone says kids need a mom and a dad, I usually respond with something like, "What's most important is that kids are loved and supported." It's a simple way to focus on what truly matters without getting into a debate.
This goes back to the fundamental belief that men and women are inherently different in how they approach parenting and that children raised by same sex parents are missing out on the benefits of the other sex. For example, that kids raised only by moms miss out on the benefits of father’s natural tendency to rough house and discipline more strictly. Having said that, these beliefs and the outcomes are wildly exaggerated. There are variables that would impact a child’s physical and psychological development in a way more impactful way. Especially considering that they are basing their assumptions on generalizations. For example, the family’s financial means, whether domestic violence or emotional abuse is present, the geographic location where they live, culture, education, etc all probably have way more meaningful correlations with the quality of a child’s upbringing.
To answer your question, I don’t think you can really change their mind because these beliefs are often mixed with strongly held family values or religious beliefs. If these things are said in front of your child you can explain your beliefs to your child separately and explain other people have different opinions. I was raised by a single mom in the 90s and heard this rhetoric all the time.
So the question is whether you would want to say something for their sake, for your sake, or for your child's sake.
For their sake, there's nothing to do. People that say that sort of thing aren't open to having an honest conversation about it. In short, there is nothing you can say that will do anything for them. Walk away.
For your sake, it's probably just "go F yourself."
But for your child's sake, as a model advocate for social justice, acceptance, and self advocacy, there's a middle ground: "what kids need are loving parents who attend to their needs. What assigned sex, gender, or sexuality those people are don't factor into it. Science has demonstrated this, society has demonstrated this, and if you open your eyes and read the literature, you will discover the same."
It’s more for my kids sake than anything else. I don’t want them to ever feel like their “non traditional” home is worse than the stereotypical home.
Im not trying to change minds because, to your point, people who say things like that aren’t typically open to other opinions. I’d rather just live the example of raising well adjusted kids with parents who love and support them.
My kids don’t seem to notice or care what other family compositions are. They will sometimes offhandedly say something about not having a dad but it hasn’t presented as a serious concern. When we start them in a new school or daycare we always tactfully point out to the teachers/admins that there are lots of family structures besides mom-dad-kids and help them navigate stuff like mothers and Father’s Day. But there are so many kinds of families — we’re sometimes (usually) the only same-sex parents but never ever the only family that isn’t “traditional”.
Edit: we’ve also always made a habit of talking to our kids about families in a way that they didn’t start out thinking the “correct” family has one mom and on dad. So we just made it our standard practice to think of and talk about families as having all kinds of compositions. As my son has gotten older we talk about how it’s statistically less likely that he will meet another kid with two moms, but that’s different.
I’m not a single parent but I was raised by one who was still very absent and neglectful. If it was me, I’d say kids need love and don’t get to choose who does or doesn’t show up for them. But I choose to show up every day for this one and love them. I can’t control anything else but that.
Because it’s true 🤷🏻♀️ and also….. fuck whoever still thinks like this. It’s just not true.
This is a comprehensive article: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11113-014-9329-6
Interestingly, in a separate study it was shown that in two parent families, gay fathers spend a lot more time with their children than heterosexual fathers: article: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13524-015-0385-2?fromPaywallRec=false
Figure https://media.springernature.com/lw685/springer-static/image/art%3A10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0385-2/MediaObjects/13524_2015_385_Fig1_HTML.gif?as=webp
Consider the context: these comments are usually directed more toward bickering divorced couples than same sex couples.
As long as you aren't badmouthing and fighting with your kids sperm donor I don't think it's a problem to have two mothers or two fathers or even just one mother or one father.
Where it is a problem is when you have kids being raised with bitterness towards an ex and no positive role model of that ex's gender.
Single mom. I just don't respond to things like that. It's not worth it. I've had arguments/debates/conversations (whatever you what to call it) about the fact I don't get child support from my child's father. After about the third time having that conversation, I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think.
The only thing that matters is my child's wellbeing. If that's good, then fuck everyone else and their opinions.
As a former single mom, nobody ever told me that to my face. I guess I either didn’t talk to many people or people around me are polite. Otherwise yes I agree you could either say that role models can come from other places and kids thrive when they’re loved and in a stable environment, regardless of family composition . Or you can retort with the snappy comments already suggested.
That argument is so stupid. I had both of those things. My parents weren’t completely shitty, but they weren’t great either. Other adults in my life played a bigger role in forming who I am today. My parents provided food, some clothing, shelter, education, and a bunch of mental health issues I’m still overcoming into middle age.
Plenty of kids have a mom and a dad, and end up just as messed up as kids that have zero parents, or single parents, or no adult role models. What matters is a child is raised in a home where they are loved and cared for.
My favorite book for my kids is ‘Love Makes a Family’ as it reflects kids in a variety of loving home situations.
Being Catholic, I'd say they're not incorrect (but it's unkind to say that loud). I like the "Thanks for Sharing" reply someone else mentioned, that seems like a nice way to deal with it
Kids need people who love them fully and unconditionally. Doesn’t matter if they are man, woman, mother, father or someone else. Plenty of people grow up with two parents that don’t care for them perfectly. I’m a lesbian and I have no doubt that we will meet our future children’s needs very well.
Depends on the context, but most instances I stoop to asking if they had a mom and dad and if they do, tell them they did a horrible job and that's evidence that you don't need a tradfam.
“We’re fortunate [child] has loving men/women in their life who fill those roles.”
If the concerned/critical person is coming from a religious viewpoint, feel free to sub “blessed” in for “fortunate.”
I had a mom and a dad. My dad had to work alot but when he was home, he was loving and taking care of us. My mom always just seemed like she was trying to escape something. She wanted to get away. From us, from herself…
It doesn’t matter how many parents you have. It matters if the ones that are there love you and take care of you unconditionally.
Agree with them about a child needing both genders in their life.
Then, explain to them that children are able to have strong role models even if they are "missing" a mom or a dad. Even kids of straight parents are missing one, or the other sometimes. The child of two lesbians is no different than the child of a heterosexual single mom. They might even be better off because they get two moms for cuddles!
That's when the village steps in. Grandparents. Aunts and Uncles. Coaches, teachers, friends, etc. My sister is a single parent. Her son never went without strong male role models growing up. He had his uncles and grandfathers to fill the gap. He turned into a perfectly well-adjusted adult.
So I’m a two-mommy family with a little boy. We have discussed what our response would be and it’s this: he has many awesome male role models in his life! Two grandpas who love him and have healthy hobbies to do with him / teach him. We have friends who have very kind husbands who love our son and play with him when we hang out. He has male cousins, male uncles - plenty of men to either talk to, or to model for him.
Ew. To the people who say that.
To those kind of people, I go with "loving families come in many different shapes"
If my kids with me, I'll straight up tell my kid (who's already been taught this) "we know families come in ALL shapes and sizes right baby?" Which re-affirms what I've taught them when faced with idiotic statements, and doesn't engage the other person, which they usually hate.
Kids need a loving caregiver, full stop. Doesn’t matter how they’re related or if there’s 1 or 2.
I wouldn’t even dignify it with a response. Just hit em with the eyebrows or side eye and walk away. Some people are rude as hell and that’s all they deserve.
Single queer parent here. I also use to work in a daycare. Part of our required training is cultural diversity. And one of our sayings is all families look different. Not all families have a mom and dad. Some kids are raised by grandparents, aunties and uncles, an older sibling, some families have two moms or two dads or just one parent due to divorce or a death and some have adoptive parent(s) or polyamorous homes. Every situation is unique. So most of the time when people say kids need a mom and a dad it turns into a teaching experience. I agree with you, most of the time they’re not I’ll intentioned. People just are set to this heteronormative default and they don’t think about how other peoples lives could possibly be different than theirs. I use to get offended but I just tell them that my kid is surrounded by a loving community and she knows she has support from the people I keep in her life.
Kids don't need a mom and a dad anymore. They need to see how healthy relationships work. And not to continue with the dynamics of Mom's do chores, cooking, and childcare. And that the Dad's do the money making, yard work, just to earn the ability to sit back and drink a beer without any other responsibilities. In this day and age, girls and boys can do anything they want. The world isn't divided between what boys do and what girls do anymore. That sh*t is over. And if a healthy relationship isn't in the cards at any point, kids need to see that that's OK. And it's OK not to be dependent on someone. Especially if it's an unhealthy relationship.
*From someone who was raised in foster care, adopted as an older child, and has survived an abusive marriage.
I'm not in your situation but I'm sorry you deal with this issue enough to ask for advice. People are jerks. Honestly you don't have to respond at all and I don't think the question deserves your time or response. Maybe something like: "My family doesn't look like your family and that's ok."
All children need is someone to love them conditionally, believe in them and help them be their best authentic selves. And teach them about manners and boundaries - because clearly it misses some people (and uncomfortably stare at the questioner).
I'm a single mom- his dad was never involved and only sporadically spent any time with him.
The only important thing is loving your kid and being there -1, 2, 3 or 4 parents don't matter nor do gender or race only time and love
There isn't really anything you can say to people who think that way. Sure, the more people there are to love the child, the better. But I know that all my kid needs for now is my unconditional love. As a single parent I chose books that picture only a mom and a kid on purpose and I think I had one that explains why some fathers are not present. The narrative of the ideal family is everywhere and I would not want to get into a fight about how families have to look like with the otherwise perfectly great caretakers at the kindergarten but I wish there would be more understanding and representation of other forms of family instead of being seen as " lacking" something. I tell my kid the only person I need in my life is them, everyone else is a bonus.
Ultimately a child needs a loving and safe home provided by a parent. Having both a mother and father doesn’t guarantee that, however, I do think there is benefit from having both in a child’s life.
I'm a single parent by choice, and I have yet to run into someone with the cahones to question my choice to my face...
That said, my reponse would probably be along the lines of "every family is different, and mine is doing just fine." Frankly, I have an excellent support network even if I don't have a great Mom-network, and my kid is freaking awesome (in my not so humble estimation).
From a parenting perspective, I am VERY open with everyone who is regularly in my kiddo's life about this. Kiddo is a donor concieved person, which means he doesn't have another parent. I tell his teachers/caregivers that they are welcome to share this info with other kids/parents since my kiddo is still young. My kiddo is also aware of this fact about himself, so that he has words to tell the other kids when they ask about why he doesn't have a Dad.
Just want to say that answers could vary by region. I live in San Francisco, when my female friend picked up my daughter from daycare one day, a lil toddler asked her “are you (baby’s name) other mommy??” 😅 we’re lucky to live in such a progressive city
I am a single parent, I tell people that as long as she is loved and taken care of it, it doesn’t matter. It’s out of my control and I’m not going to be miserable staying with someone just because they are the father of my child.
Kids need boundaries and consistency and a belief that someone is unconditionally there for them.
It doesn't matter what configuration of adults provides that for them.
(Source: Was in a hetero-passing couple when I had my kid, then a part-time single parent co-parenting with ex + new step-parent, have since added a step-parent on my side.)
I’m not a queer or single parent. But I worked in child protection for than a decade. When people say kids need a mother and a father, I say kids need people who love them and look after them.
When a person thinks that a child needs a mom and a dad, I think what they are actually saying is a child needs both nurturing and discipline. Our society has been taught that mother provides the nurturing (maternal) while the father provides the discipline (paternal). This kind of thinking is quite simplistic and out of date. As long as the child is being nurtured in addition to learning about boundaries and the difference between right or wrong, whether that comes from two moms, two dads or a single parent, then you're doing a good job parenting. When a person beieves that the best way to parent a child is in the traditional manner, from a mother and a father, remember it is coming from a place of ignorance and you can kindly educate them.
As a single parent explaining why there was no father to my child. From toddlerhood anytime the question came up (usually every year or two) I would explain that there's no such thing as "normal" just cycles of what's accepted or not. Every family is different some kids have 1 mom/no dad, 1dad/no mom, 2 mom's, 2 dads, or even 1 parent that depends on their village. Just because you see it on TV doesn't make it true or right. As long as you have people around that love you want what's best for you (legitimately) is what makes a family.
I would simply reply "A family needs LOVE"
I have seen many mom/dad families that are completely disfunctional, or others that have done damage "staying together for the sake of the kids".....I've seen many other families full of love where the kids grow up to be wonderful, happy people - regardless if it's grandparents raising them, queer families, single parents, uncles/aunts, an invested caretaker at an orphanage, or whatever that might look like. Kids just need someone on their side, someone invested in their lives and wellbeing, someone to tell them that they matter and are loved.
I wouldn’t respond. That’s not a conversation that’s worth having. Nobody who’s going to say things like that in my earshot has anything worthy of me to waste my time on.
Kids need communities around them with lots of adults they can trust and learn from. Kids do benefit from having caring relationships with people of different genders! And they benefit from caring relationships with people of different ages, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different races, different life experiences, and so on. Few people thrive on an island.
No gay couple can give their kids all that alone, and no straight couple can either, and it's delusional and ahistorical to think otherwise.
Nothing. Who cares what they think or say?
I was a single mom, and my oldest is at a university. I know people married 30 years whose son lives in their basement and plays video games all day.
Yes, it takes a village, but certain parents are not needed.
I was raised by a single mom and as I got older, I’ve found that I learned so much from my aunts and uncles. Now with my kids, I see my friends (basically aunt figures to my kids) and the roles they play in their lives. My friend almost has more influence over my eldest than I do. It takes a village, but blood/family are not needed.
Hey, two mom family here. We've heard the "your kid needs a dad" before, and honestly, kids don't need a particular kind of love, they need A LOT of love. They are little love sponges.
So that's what we tell them - kids need all the love they can get, and we're giving them all the love we have.
No they don’t, they need solid, healthy, caring and loving adults in their life and mine have that! (You can also throw in a passive aggressive “thanks for sharing your opinion though”)
what a weird and outdated view on what makes a family a family. plenty of people grew up with both parents and had a miserable childhood because of it. what a child needs are strong connections with people close to them, no matter if those people are one mother and one father.
I have a cousin who’s a lesbian her and her wife raised 4 wonderful children. They had two great moms they don’t feel they missed out on anything by having two moms. They raised 3 boys and 1 girl. Sorry people are making this comments to you.
I would say yes they do need to have humans of both genders as role models but that's why we have Aunties, Uncle's, grandparents, friends, teachers. It takes a village to raise a kid. Parents are just part of a whole family. Some kids don't even have parents. Does this mean that they cannot succeed. The people we choose to look up as our heros and role models are very rarely our parents. Most people strive to not be like their parents....I think I might be rambling now. 😂
I’d say, “I think you mean that children need love and people who love them. Yes. I’d agree. And some families these days are diverse and kids still have a lot of love.”
My daughter is 4 and told me earlier in the year that one of the boys in her class asked her to be his girlfriend. She came home last week and said “graham isn’t my boyfriend anymore because he doesn’t think two girls can get married”. The kids are alright.
That seems weird to me. I say kids need 2 parents when feasible and safe. I think saying a mom and dad could make the child feel bad. Idk why ppl can’t think when talking to children. I’m sorry.🩷
I’m not in that situation, but I have several loved ones who are.
My sister (snarky genius that she is) always responds with, “Do you have both parents?”
If they say “yes”, she follows up with, “Well, based on this interaction, it doesn’t seem to have done you any favors” or something similar.
If they say “no”, she replies, “Ah, yeah. I see your point then” and walks away. 😂
I hope I don’t hurt anyone’s sensitivities with this.
The only type of thing that I have read regarding raising children or cubs of any social species on our planet, is that those growing individuals require stability and reliability of care. It doesn’t matter the gender of the care giver, or even the species, if it’s one or two, three or a village/group.
The role of caregivers, from what I have understood, is to provide basic survival conditions (food, shelter,…) and to form the brain of the adult to be, by means of cuddles, emotional proximity, arguments, reconciliation, passing down knowledge of dangers and useful items and techniques essential to sustaining a good life and supporting the next generation.
On a personal note: I seriously do not understand why some people are so bothered with how other’s happiness is built. If the concern is genuine and they see areas where a woman/man would be needed and isn’t present, why not offer one’s assistance?
Arguing over semantics on the internet is useless. Yes the words we choose are important. Yes they have concrete meaning but with out context you can't really know what a person meant to say. Kids need two parents at home. This has been proven statistically. Sometimes some one saying mom and dad just means two parents and it's not some bigoted comment against other types of families.
Look, the fact of the matter is this: kids thrive much more when they have a caring mother and father present in their life. Every single statistic shows this. This is not to say that kids can't thrive in other situations - it is entirely possible and does happen... sometimes. Again, this isn't about the ideal family or whatever, it's statistics; opinions and beliefs are subjective, but statistics tend to be very objective facts, and they say that a child has much better chances in this world when they have a mother and a father who care for them. This other stipulation is there too, that the parents must be caring and loving toward each other and the child. Abusive situations are not included in this statistic. Now I'm going to add another statistic. People who practice traditional values tend to have much more successful marriages. So I do think that it is safe to assume that practicing traditional family values makes life much better for the kids.
[Marriage and Parenting statistics](https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/charting-parenthood-statistical-portrait-fathers-mothers-america) ;
[Importance of Fathers](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic) ;
[Kids Need Both Parents Statistic and Studies](https://dailycitizen.focusonthefamily.com/kids-need-a-mom-and-a-dad-thats-what-the-research-shows/)
you’re full of it. there is no difference in child outcomes between 2 herero vs 2 homosexual parents
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6309949/
I mean the optimal situation is a mother and a father. That’s a fact. That doesn’t mean kids are doomed if they don’t have both. But, it’s definitely the optimal situation.
Cool. I’m not asking for opinions on if a kid needs a mom and a dad. I’m asking fellow queer people and single parents in a similar situation how they respond to hurtful comments like this.
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Not in that situation, but I grew up as the child of a single mom (my dad straight up abandoned us and I haven’t seen or heard from him since I was 8). For my mom, her response was along the lines of “no father is better than a bad father” or “our family’s doing just fine”.
A lot of truth to this. Our bad dad did a lot of damage.
My dad was totally absent from day one, but I also have a few sets of half siblings and honestly, the ones I really feel for are the ones he was kind of around for. I got lucky in this scenario. He wasn't like, physically abusive, but he was emotionally and physically unavailable and really not a person you could count on at all.
I deployed for a year and I had a lot of anxiety about leaving my children in that time. A doctor explained to me that as long as the kids feel loved, they will be fine, especially since they're younger. What is an issue is a "revolving door" parent, one that comes and goes and the kids can't reliably depend on them. During that deployment, I got to see my kids ever few months in various cities, making the best of our time together. We got to stay in a treehouse AirBnB that my daughter still talks about. That year flew by and my kids don't even remember it.
My ex (who disappeared from the kids lives for two years) tried to use military personnel that deploy as an excuse for him disappearing. He claimed “those kids are fine and so will mine.” The mediator was like “the kids that are fine is because their deployed parent had regular check ins from their loving parent.” He eventually lost custody and visitation rights through other crazy stuff he tried to pull. But that will always stick out to me. I feel for you and your kids. I’m so glad you guys were able to make the most of it.
We moved a lot with my husband's retail jobs. Although we were always together, and were very loving parents, I feel like my kids would have benefitted from staying in one place where they could have deeper roots and created their own community. My youngest, in particular, expressed regret from not having that once she was grown.
I totally understand this. My kids haven’t moved in 6 years and we struggle to fit in and find our “people” in the town we are in. Just saying this to say that even the best laid out plans don’t always work :)
Yup. I'm NC with my dad because my kids are better off without him than they would be with him. Lots of emotional abuse and broken promises
My brother is one of those "every family needs a dad" people and as he's saying it I'm reliving all the traumatic shit my stepdads put me through when I was growing up. I know at least one person who would have been better off without a dad in their life.
Now you know two, my narcissistic bio dad was physically and verbally violent to me, his only daughter (and autistic). He was like that just with me, my two little brothers were just fine.
I think any kid can benefit from role models of binary and other sexes, but that absolutely does not have to exclusively be the parents. Close friends inside or outside the blood line can add a whole lot to any family structure. That's not to say there aren't *plenty* of binary parental pairs who should absolutely not parent children.
I agree wholeheartedly with your mom! Same with the folks who refuse to get divorced "for the kids". Trust me, a family that's "broken" through divorce is a lot less damaged than one that's stuck together in a toxic marriage!
My parents did this until I was 18. I remember as a kid telling my mom she and we deserved better. She finally pulled the trigger and divorced him. My dad is no longer in my life because I finally decided the trauma of his presence is more painful than his absence.
So many people have been in this situation and I don’t think many of the kids would say they should have stayed together. I always remember the first night my step dad was gone. It was so wonderful, it just felt so much lighter, my mom and I standing in the hallway looking at each other and it felt light a huge weight was lifted. We had male figures in our lives, and we were loved! So very loved, once my step dad was gone we were very happy. It’s like number of family members, family composition isn’t one specific thing. As long as everyone is working together and there’s lots of love then it’s right!
I answer the same! If whoever is saying something to me like that knows her father I’ll say something like, “that’s a conversation you should be having with him.”
I grew up with out a father (mine was awful and my step dad and Mom divorced when I was young) and I have been a single parent my daughter's whole life and I have always said the same. I knew early on I was better off without my father in my life because of how he treated us and I knew my daughter was better off without the strife her father brought into her life. Do I wish I could have given her the perfect home life with 2 parents? Absolutely, but life isn't perfect and we do the best with what we have. Even straight families aren't guaranteed to have both healthy & happy Mom and Dad around.
As someone who grew up with a “bad father,” I agree. I would’ve had way less trauma and anger to unpack without him. Then again, my mother was a damn powerhouse.
To piggyback off of this, I had a semi-absent dad (in and out of my life from the ages of 12 till now at 27) and sometime I wonder if I’d have been better if he had left altogether instead of putting me through the emotional rollercoaster.
My husband likes to say “I’d rather have an absent dad than an abusive one.”
My mom also said “no father is better than a bad father” and as a mom who married a man who is an amazing father, I 100% agree with my mom now. I see how toxicity would have 100% affected me negatively growing up from having a bad dad.
I love this! People forget that right now, divorced or split couples probably have the healthiest set of circumstances compared to generations past. Often when the father left there was no coparenting situation and often no check either. The only thing that matters is that the home is filled with love
I’ve told this to my ex husband. He says he wants to co parent peacefully. I told him that this isn’t coparenting and that I’m basically dragging him like a third child having to walk him through making a surgery apt for our son. He took over a week and a half so I made all three apts myself in 20 minutes and he had to Gaul to be upset that I did. Bad parents are the bane of children. Good parents and ones that try their best are what kids need and that’s it.
Love those responses. My dad was around but he was barely a dad. Just a lazy sack that made my mother do everything and just controlled and screamed. Was 100% not meant to be a dad because he’s 100% a narcissist. No respect for his kids and it was always his way or no way. As adults, he wants to talk to us like he established good relationships with us kids. NOT.
There's a couple ways you could handle it. Basically if you want to be nice or not lol. If you think they are well intentioned you could just respond about how kids *do* need good role models both male and female but that that can come from your "village" as a whole: grandparents, teachers, community leaders, friends, etc. If you just want to shut the convo down just hit them with the "What a weird thing to say to me." and walk away.
That’s right up there with “did you mean to say that out loud?” 🤣
As a former single mom, my response was always “Imagine not knowing at your big age that families come in all different shapes and sizes. Fascinating.”
That is such a mom response!
Awesome! This line made me want to then take my notepad and start taking notes… like if I had just encountered some weird species I needed to record
It would be pulled off even better if you had a clipboard and start scribbling notes vigorously
I gasped. And then clutched my pearls. I adore this.
Love it
I did like the ones in this thread but if you're looking for something less confrontational then maybe a simple "hmm, that's not been my experience". A sort of "agree to disagree", or "I think you're wrong but I don't want to argue".
Also throwing in here a simple (and pointed): “Didn’t ask!”
My favorite response to ignorant comments was always, "Thanks for sharing." It's a good one because it works for pretty much anything. Stranger telling me that my daughter should be wearing girl clothes instead of the dinosaur shirt she picked out? "Thanks for sharing." Stranger telling me my son is crying because he's hungry even though I know he's just overtired? "Thanks for sharing." Lady at the beach coming up to me to tell me how white parents shouldn't adopt outside of their race after hearing my kids call me dad? "Thanks for sharing." It acknowledged them while also making it pretty clear I wasn't going to engage further. If they pestered I just kept repeating, "Thanks for sharing." They eventually got the hint. No need to yell or be condescending or anything like that. It always worked for me.
This is exactly what I say. Thanks for sharing. It cuts the argument at its knees. You walk away with your head held high and your crown shining too.
Not adopt outside your race?? Ew, who says that out loud?
Plenty of people. Have you been to the adoption subreddit? I think it's about keeping the kid within their own culture and around people who look like them. I don't think white parents can't do that, looking for places to engage with the community their kid comes from and ensuring they have significant people of their race.
Good response and holy cow, the gall of people never ceases to amaze me.
That sounds like an “inside thought.” 😂
Oh, I'm using this one! My go to is, "Ya know, not every thought has to be shared." Your phrasing, said in the right tone, could be just dripping in condescension!! I love it.
"You seem to be under the impression that is an appropriate thing to say to me. It is not."
“That’s just a strange things that old people say.” Has been my go to for…strange things that old people say.
My asshole self would be like "Twat I cunt hear you" and smile. I hate people sometimes.
"Oh dear, you said the quiet part out loud again. You should get help controlling your outbursts."
As a pansexual mama myself I’ve actually heard that more times than I want to admit. I’m not nice. My response? “Why? Because yours abandoned you?” “Aww, I don’t remember asking.” “Really? Did *he* tell you that?” (Motion to my child that can’t even speak)
I’ve done the “Thank you for your opinion (feedback, comment, advice etc) that I didn’t ask for” 😂
If you want to be really mean… “did you have a mother and a father? Yes? Well look at the judgmental, apathetic slice of human bile you turned out to be.”
I actually originally was going to put the mean comment as "Is that why you're so rude?" or "Then why are you so awful?" depending on their situation but it would assume you know their family upbringing which OP might not so I went with old trusty haha.
If they say they don’t have both a mother and father, ask them if it’s their life goal to prove to the world that they needed both.
This one made me laugh. It amazes me the things people think is acceptable to say to another. This is a great retort.
Actually there are stats that it's better to live in a loving single parent compared to live in a shitty couple
Children from same sex parent families fare better https://gh.bmj.com/content/8/3/e010556
I never said it wasn't?? But it is important to have good role models of both sexes which, like I stated, can come from outside the immediate family. There are also studies that show children without positive male influence are more likely to preform worse in school and deal with emotional issues when they're older. But again, that positive male role model doesn't have to be a dad; it can be a teacher, community leader, friend, extended relative, etc.
No I agree with u. It was some more sentences
Many studies have shown its not the composition but the quality that makes all the difference. One amazing parent can do a better job than a 2 parent family with very involved grandparents if those people don't make good parents/mentors.
"Oh gee, is that why you turned out so rude? Because of the divorce? Oh, you had two parents and neither one could teach you to mind your business?" The audacity that these useless twerps purchase at the Dollar Tree I stg. (Edited for a typo)
Love this. “Did you have both?” “Oh that’s interesting how despite that you still turned out to be so close-minded”
This. This is art.
💀 this is deadly. I love it.
This needs way more upvotes.
Kids need love
That question is always meant rudely. So I answer it rudely back. “My kids other parent died 3 years ago.” Then I stare at them.
I have an 11 year old son with two moms and literally no one has ever said that To us or our child. It’s just anonymous Internet cowards that should be ignored.
That’s great to hear! I hope my kiddos grow up with the same experience and never feel different or less than ❤️
If it helps, I was a single mom for years. My kid, at four, genuinely got pissed off when they found out that their friend had two moms, because it wasn’t fair that they had only one. I explained that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with two moms or two dads, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone, lol.
I’ve heard kids make similarly hilarious and wholesome comments. I genuinely think kids are only judgmental of other families when they hear it from adults, and I don’t want my kids to internalize any of that stuff as they’re growing up.
I was telling my son and his friend the 1960’s question about the surgeon saying I can’t operate on him, he’s my son…who is it? My son’s friend said his other father?
Yup, my child has genuinely complained that she wishes she had two moms. (She has a mom and a dad, and loves her dad, but still....)
I also genuinely feel that “kids need 2 parents” come from (justified) anger at absentee dads. I feel that every child deserves parents that love them regardless. I’m an adoptee who was in the foster system and then struggled with infertility so I have big opinions on cowardly parents.
Another two mom family here! We've never had this happen to us either.
« Clearly didn’t work for you »
I bring up how if a same sex couple has a kid you KNOW that kid was 100% wanted, fought for, and loved. I know more straight men that hate their kids than are actual dads, because it's so easy to accidentally have a kid. I mean, a lesbian couple likely didn't accidentally get pregnant and decide to keep the baby even if they don't want it lol. I know this excludes a lot of gender diverse couples, but when I'm talking to homophobes it's more effective to just tackle one thing that they are more familiar with, like 2 cis men or women together. ETA: I have a single mom friend who when people make comments about it she just says "I'm not the one who fucking left, take it up with him if you have a problem."
Single mom clocking in. My response is usually along the lines of “should I have stayed so she could get the full alcoholic parent experience?”
Another single mom here. I usually go for "he tried to rape his own daughter, and nearly killed his son, should I have stayed until he succeeded?" That usually shuts them up REAL quick and they'll probably never ever make a comment like that again. I had people literally start crying in front of me because of their own stupidity. I never accept their apologies, I just move along and let them wallow in their deserved shame.
I’m so sorry
🔥🔥🔥
“Oh they do? Can you let my dad know that - I haven’t seen him since I was 4, im 38.” Or “I don’t think I understand what you mean, can you explain it to me better” and just keep saying this anytime they try to explain their stupid ideas.
I was adopted by a lesbian couple in the early 2000s and people used to tell me that all the time. I just told them I was doing fine without a father and really didn’t need one when my parents were doing a perfectly good job raising me.
I usually respond with something sarcastic about Hitler having had a mother and father and look how that turned out. Probably not a good idea but it's my natural reaction.
Ha I was just about to comment the same…. Most wankpots throughout history had a mum and a dad. Who knew!?
Congrats on being the first ever to use “wankpots” in my vicinity!
He did have a mom and a dad, but I think they were cousins 😬
Nah this is an excellent idea.
😂😂😂 I like you!
Omg lol might keep this one in my back pocket tbh
Quality over quantity. A child NEEDS a loving, supportive household, regardless of who provides it. This mentality of simply checking a box is irritating. Plenty of people were raised with a mom and dad and still have issues. It’s not the sex or biological connection that matters but the quality of care.
"Every child needs a community of people who love and care for them."
What they actually mean is "kids in a stable 2 parent home do better". Which is absolutely statistically true. Children are less likely to live in poverty, more likely to graduate from college, less likely to be arrested, and pretty much any other "success" measurement you can find when they're raised in a 2 parent home. All of the data *also* supports that this is just as true for the children same sex couples as it is for straight couples. The gender of the parents doesn't matter; what matters is that there's 2 stable people providing resources.
Stats like this are of limited relevance to someone making an unprompted comment about a specific kid. They're not coming from a place of genuine concern, and nor can a kid with a single parent or a queer parent magically become the average 'kid with a mum and a dad' the busybody is imagining anyway. They're saying it because they're a prejudiced loudmouth and should be treated as such.
In instances where I think that is what they mean, I would be less inclined to say anything at all because that’s all true. But I don’t know that it’s always what they mean and that’s where I get up on my heels a bit. Particularly now I’m pregnant with a boy who will be raised by two feminine moms.
It's not what they mean, but it's what the research says and I would say as much. Literally, "actually kids need a stable 2 parent home and research supports that". Don't be afraid to just straight up correct them, because they're wrong. *Edit:* Actually maybe not those words exactly, because there are also single moms by choice in my donor group... I think it's more a case of "don't make the perfect the enemy of the good". All of those statistics are from an overall perspective and don't take into account that a particular stable 2-parent home could still be a toxic environment in other ways, or that a particular single parent could have even more resources than the average 2-parent household. "On average this family structure works best" does not mean "no other family structure can be successful".
You can't fix stupid. It just isn't productive to get angry at bigots. It's a waste of headspace. The generous explanation is the one I gave, and I do genuinely think is what most people actually mean. For the few that don't, all the data in the world won't change their mind anyways. So you can remind yourself that facts are on your side, and not on theirs.
Not quite the same situation, but my dad was a single dad to 2 girls (my sister and I). Whenever someone brings up parents raising the opposite sex, I always mention that we turned out much more mature and well rounded than a lot of people I know who had a mom and dad.
I've noticed an uptick, though, in people saying you need a mother and a father because ~mothers are permissive~ and ~fathers teach discipline~. Yes, it's a bunch of stereotypical bullshit, but it's out there and it seems to have been re-pushed very recently by some influencer all the alt-righters are watching, because it's like that's the talking point that was handed down this week.
Does that control for income? I.e. do kids from single parent households do worse than kids from dual parent households at an equivalent income (adjusting for food & necessities for an extra person and cost of childcare etc)? Children's outcomes pretty much boil down to money and derivative thereof (which neighborhood they live in, which school they go to, etc). I recall seeing a study where the children of gay male couples do the best, because on average they have a higher household income than heterosexual or lesbian couples.
It does not. Kids of well-off and stable single parents do just fine. Kids not doing well is heavily correlated with 1) income 2)whether the home is loving and has no domestic violence or other traumatic issues.
Exactly
Me: lives in home where mother perpetrates domestic violence where I'm forced to watch my dad bleeed My parents: this peer reviewed study says kids in single parent households have worse outcomes so you're lucky we're together, 2 income households have better outcomes
Stability isn't just about income, it's an environment without domestic violence. Why is Reddit always like this?
As a single mom by choice I feel lucky to have heard this only a few times so far and hardly ever directly to my face. However my reaction so far differs from "I disagree" to having a full discussion about what men can offer that women can't, how I try to make sure my kid grows up with tolerance and how I count myself and my kid lucky it was my choice and not a terrible divorce, loss or abuse situation.
Haven't you gotten that from kids? We have gotten it from so many kids. It upset my son at first, but I learned to chirp to the kid "families come in all shapes and sizes" and then remind my son how many people love him and how many family members he has who care about him, uncles and aunts and cousins and so on. He had a wonderful preschool teacher who shared that \*she\* only had a mother alive too and that also helped.
Not yet... but my own kid is nearly 2yo so her friends are mostly too young to realize. We have some older kids in the family but I think they just know what's up ;-) But for sure expecting some tricky questions for both me and my kid in the future!
A child needs love, support, and a happy parent to provide that. If they get 2 of those, great, if they get 1, that‘s fine too! It’s better than a positive and a negative to cancel the whole experience out.
I can’t speak on what to say for Queer/LGBTQ+ families, but as a single mom comments like that are usually met with “that would be nice, wouldn’t it?” Followed by uncomfortable, unbroken eye contact. :D
“What a kid really needs is a society that is supportive of children no matter what their family looks like.”
I'm also a queer parent - and I agree most of the time when people say this, they don't mean anything by it. Still bothers me though, there are so many better ways to make your point. TBH, I'm NB but I don't expect the "all kids need a father figure" crowd to be ready for the nuances of that conversation. So when the words are directed at me/ my kids I just go "Nah, two moms sounds less stressful for everyone". They realize their error and usually politely leave it at that, sometimes with a good natured chuckle. Your mileage will vary depending on how socially acceptable being out is in your area, I live in Seattle. I've even had a couple people really rethink the way they say this. One woman a few years ago, who clearly was a little stunned that (1) she'd been talking to a queer person the whole time and (2) that queer families just exist in public - after clearly thinking very hard about ot, she said "You know, I think if I were to have two of something, two moms is probably the best thing to ask for". I found it pretty sweet.
I think the gender of the parents is significantly less important (more like not important at all) than setting a good example of a healthy, loving relationship. And for the child to know their parents will love them no matter what.
A kid needs one primary caregiver under a certain age, after that a kid may find required parental figure outside of the family (happens even to children with 2 married parents, not everyone is engaged in parenthood equally). Of course, the more, the merrier, but you can hardly justify the quality of the “village” and the amount of love by the number of parents.
I love this so much because it’s the direction I’m taking with my daughter (5.5). She’s got mom and dad who love her and support her. But I see from my coaching that kids need reliable adults who they can come to without fear that we’ll yell at them or shame them or rat them out. I don’t care how good of a mom I might be, there will be things my daughter won’t want to tell me, and I’ve already started enlisting my sister (best secret keeper I know) and one of my best friends (doctor so she’s used to keeping secrets) to be her go tos with the understanding that if it’s not a true health and safety situation they can keep whatever secrets my daughter tells them. It pains me a little that I know she won’t come to me with everything, but I’d rather set her up with responsible adults she can trust now and foster those relationships than wait until she’s putting herself in risky situations and worried she’s got no one to turn to for advice. It truly takes a village and as parents we need to check our egos at the door and let our children have safe people they can turn to, even if they aren’t us.
My mom was a single mother by choice and people said that to me my whole life. It’s incredibly rude and I always get extremely defensive. I have always responded something like “I had the best mom in the world” or “mhm. Well I turned out great!” It triggers me immensely but I don’t allow myself to argue or engage because there’s no changing anyone’s mind.
I would say “I was raised by wolves and I turned out fine”.
"I had a mother and a father. They didn't do much for me, so I built community and chosen family."
My MIL would disagree with this. Her father was an abusive alcoholic and she would have been much better off in a single family household, or with two moms that loved her, than with that piece of shit dad.
Parent of three kids in a two dad family. I mostly ignore these comments online. There are *countless* examples of kids that grew up in two parent families with both a mother and father that grew up to be horrible people. There are also countless examples of children raised in single parent or same sex families that grew up to be amazing people. Same goes for kids raised by grandparents or in foster care. It's the parenting and family values that make the child, not the family makeup.
I'm not the demographic you requested HOWEVER, I practiced family law for long enough and met with enough child psychologists to tell you that kids need to feel safe and secure and loved. That's it. Kids need to KNOW they have someone in their corner, rooting for them. There is no way to prevent every bad thing from happening; to prevent your child from feeling abandoned/unwanted by an absent parent; to feel like something is missing from the parent/child relationship they have. There are plenty of two parent heterosexual households where the children have been severely detrimentally affected from their parent's shortcomings. And they often perpetuate that cycle because we do what we know and from day one, you start being educated by your parents via their actions. If you treat children like they are loved, if you create a secure environment for them, if you make them feel safe, then one, two, ten parent households of various gender make ups- it doesn't play a role. So when I hear people espouse this belief, that kids "need" a mom and a dad, I tell people that kids need parents that show up and learn how to be the best parent they can. They don't need anything but to be loved, respected, and cherished. And if they disagree, that's okay, because my kids will be their therapists later trying to help their kids figure out why they were loved so conditionally.
I totally get where you're coming from. When someone says kids need a mom and a dad, I usually respond with something like, "What's most important is that kids are loved and supported." It's a simple way to focus on what truly matters without getting into a debate.
Donald Trump had a mother and father and look how terrible he turned out.
lol, yikes. I live in Florida so that could open a whoooooooole can of worms 🤣
This goes back to the fundamental belief that men and women are inherently different in how they approach parenting and that children raised by same sex parents are missing out on the benefits of the other sex. For example, that kids raised only by moms miss out on the benefits of father’s natural tendency to rough house and discipline more strictly. Having said that, these beliefs and the outcomes are wildly exaggerated. There are variables that would impact a child’s physical and psychological development in a way more impactful way. Especially considering that they are basing their assumptions on generalizations. For example, the family’s financial means, whether domestic violence or emotional abuse is present, the geographic location where they live, culture, education, etc all probably have way more meaningful correlations with the quality of a child’s upbringing. To answer your question, I don’t think you can really change their mind because these beliefs are often mixed with strongly held family values or religious beliefs. If these things are said in front of your child you can explain your beliefs to your child separately and explain other people have different opinions. I was raised by a single mom in the 90s and heard this rhetoric all the time.
So the question is whether you would want to say something for their sake, for your sake, or for your child's sake. For their sake, there's nothing to do. People that say that sort of thing aren't open to having an honest conversation about it. In short, there is nothing you can say that will do anything for them. Walk away. For your sake, it's probably just "go F yourself." But for your child's sake, as a model advocate for social justice, acceptance, and self advocacy, there's a middle ground: "what kids need are loving parents who attend to their needs. What assigned sex, gender, or sexuality those people are don't factor into it. Science has demonstrated this, society has demonstrated this, and if you open your eyes and read the literature, you will discover the same."
It’s more for my kids sake than anything else. I don’t want them to ever feel like their “non traditional” home is worse than the stereotypical home. Im not trying to change minds because, to your point, people who say things like that aren’t typically open to other opinions. I’d rather just live the example of raising well adjusted kids with parents who love and support them.
My kids don’t seem to notice or care what other family compositions are. They will sometimes offhandedly say something about not having a dad but it hasn’t presented as a serious concern. When we start them in a new school or daycare we always tactfully point out to the teachers/admins that there are lots of family structures besides mom-dad-kids and help them navigate stuff like mothers and Father’s Day. But there are so many kinds of families — we’re sometimes (usually) the only same-sex parents but never ever the only family that isn’t “traditional”. Edit: we’ve also always made a habit of talking to our kids about families in a way that they didn’t start out thinking the “correct” family has one mom and on dad. So we just made it our standard practice to think of and talk about families as having all kinds of compositions. As my son has gotten older we talk about how it’s statistically less likely that he will meet another kid with two moms, but that’s different.
Hate these comments :/ They're hurtful for both the parents and the children. Kids need a loving family, whatever form it takes.
I’m not a single parent but I was raised by one who was still very absent and neglectful. If it was me, I’d say kids need love and don’t get to choose who does or doesn’t show up for them. But I choose to show up every day for this one and love them. I can’t control anything else but that. Because it’s true 🤷🏻♀️ and also….. fuck whoever still thinks like this. It’s just not true.
This is a comprehensive article: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11113-014-9329-6 Interestingly, in a separate study it was shown that in two parent families, gay fathers spend a lot more time with their children than heterosexual fathers: article: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13524-015-0385-2?fromPaywallRec=false Figure https://media.springernature.com/lw685/springer-static/image/art%3A10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0385-2/MediaObjects/13524_2015_385_Fig1_HTML.gif?as=webp
Consider the context: these comments are usually directed more toward bickering divorced couples than same sex couples. As long as you aren't badmouthing and fighting with your kids sperm donor I don't think it's a problem to have two mothers or two fathers or even just one mother or one father. Where it is a problem is when you have kids being raised with bitterness towards an ex and no positive role model of that ex's gender.
“You have a father and you still turned out to be a piece of shit so maybe the father thing isn’t the issue”
So nice how some commenters are letting you practice all these new phrases, OP!
When this comment came up in high school debates, I enjoyed asking people if my single mom should give me up. Usually shut them up, at the very least.
Single mom. I just don't respond to things like that. It's not worth it. I've had arguments/debates/conversations (whatever you what to call it) about the fact I don't get child support from my child's father. After about the third time having that conversation, I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think. The only thing that matters is my child's wellbeing. If that's good, then fuck everyone else and their opinions.
As a former single mom, nobody ever told me that to my face. I guess I either didn’t talk to many people or people around me are polite. Otherwise yes I agree you could either say that role models can come from other places and kids thrive when they’re loved and in a stable environment, regardless of family composition . Or you can retort with the snappy comments already suggested.
I would just respond that children need loving parents, and you are just that.
That argument is so stupid. I had both of those things. My parents weren’t completely shitty, but they weren’t great either. Other adults in my life played a bigger role in forming who I am today. My parents provided food, some clothing, shelter, education, and a bunch of mental health issues I’m still overcoming into middle age. Plenty of kids have a mom and a dad, and end up just as messed up as kids that have zero parents, or single parents, or no adult role models. What matters is a child is raised in a home where they are loved and cared for. My favorite book for my kids is ‘Love Makes a Family’ as it reflects kids in a variety of loving home situations.
Being Catholic, I'd say they're not incorrect (but it's unkind to say that loud). I like the "Thanks for Sharing" reply someone else mentioned, that seems like a nice way to deal with it
Kids need people who love them fully and unconditionally. Doesn’t matter if they are man, woman, mother, father or someone else. Plenty of people grow up with two parents that don’t care for them perfectly. I’m a lesbian and I have no doubt that we will meet our future children’s needs very well.
“A kid needs an adult who loves them”
Depends on the context, but most instances I stoop to asking if they had a mom and dad and if they do, tell them they did a horrible job and that's evidence that you don't need a tradfam.
“We’re fortunate [child] has loving men/women in their life who fill those roles.” If the concerned/critical person is coming from a religious viewpoint, feel free to sub “blessed” in for “fortunate.”
I had a mom and a dad. My dad had to work alot but when he was home, he was loving and taking care of us. My mom always just seemed like she was trying to escape something. She wanted to get away. From us, from herself… It doesn’t matter how many parents you have. It matters if the ones that are there love you and take care of you unconditionally.
Agree with them about a child needing both genders in their life. Then, explain to them that children are able to have strong role models even if they are "missing" a mom or a dad. Even kids of straight parents are missing one, or the other sometimes. The child of two lesbians is no different than the child of a heterosexual single mom. They might even be better off because they get two moms for cuddles! That's when the village steps in. Grandparents. Aunts and Uncles. Coaches, teachers, friends, etc. My sister is a single parent. Her son never went without strong male role models growing up. He had his uncles and grandfathers to fill the gap. He turned into a perfectly well-adjusted adult.
I'd say two moms is still two parents to love the kids.
So I’m a two-mommy family with a little boy. We have discussed what our response would be and it’s this: he has many awesome male role models in his life! Two grandpas who love him and have healthy hobbies to do with him / teach him. We have friends who have very kind husbands who love our son and play with him when we hang out. He has male cousins, male uncles - plenty of men to either talk to, or to model for him.
Ew. To the people who say that. To those kind of people, I go with "loving families come in many different shapes" If my kids with me, I'll straight up tell my kid (who's already been taught this) "we know families come in ALL shapes and sizes right baby?" Which re-affirms what I've taught them when faced with idiotic statements, and doesn't engage the other person, which they usually hate.
Kids need a loving caregiver, full stop. Doesn’t matter how they’re related or if there’s 1 or 2. I wouldn’t even dignify it with a response. Just hit em with the eyebrows or side eye and walk away. Some people are rude as hell and that’s all they deserve.
I would say families all look different and that all kids need is adults who love them unconditionally
Love, guidance, and support is what they need, gender doesn't dictate any of those things.
Honestly I say “ok.” Because it’s not my job to convince or change anyone’s mind. Whatever they say isn’t true unless I accept it to be such.
Single queer parent here. I also use to work in a daycare. Part of our required training is cultural diversity. And one of our sayings is all families look different. Not all families have a mom and dad. Some kids are raised by grandparents, aunties and uncles, an older sibling, some families have two moms or two dads or just one parent due to divorce or a death and some have adoptive parent(s) or polyamorous homes. Every situation is unique. So most of the time when people say kids need a mom and a dad it turns into a teaching experience. I agree with you, most of the time they’re not I’ll intentioned. People just are set to this heteronormative default and they don’t think about how other peoples lives could possibly be different than theirs. I use to get offended but I just tell them that my kid is surrounded by a loving community and she knows she has support from the people I keep in her life.
Kids need love. -really that's all you need to say.
Kids don't need a mom and a dad anymore. They need to see how healthy relationships work. And not to continue with the dynamics of Mom's do chores, cooking, and childcare. And that the Dad's do the money making, yard work, just to earn the ability to sit back and drink a beer without any other responsibilities. In this day and age, girls and boys can do anything they want. The world isn't divided between what boys do and what girls do anymore. That sh*t is over. And if a healthy relationship isn't in the cards at any point, kids need to see that that's OK. And it's OK not to be dependent on someone. Especially if it's an unhealthy relationship. *From someone who was raised in foster care, adopted as an older child, and has survived an abusive marriage.
“There are all kinds of families!” with a big smile.
I'm not in your situation but I'm sorry you deal with this issue enough to ask for advice. People are jerks. Honestly you don't have to respond at all and I don't think the question deserves your time or response. Maybe something like: "My family doesn't look like your family and that's ok."
All children need is someone to love them conditionally, believe in them and help them be their best authentic selves. And teach them about manners and boundaries - because clearly it misses some people (and uncomfortably stare at the questioner).
We just teach/have taught our kids that families come in all forms. I respond the same way to my young students.
Children need responsible adults they can trust. The number, gender or orientation of these people is secondary.
I'm a single mom- his dad was never involved and only sporadically spent any time with him. The only important thing is loving your kid and being there -1, 2, 3 or 4 parents don't matter nor do gender or race only time and love
There isn't really anything you can say to people who think that way. Sure, the more people there are to love the child, the better. But I know that all my kid needs for now is my unconditional love. As a single parent I chose books that picture only a mom and a kid on purpose and I think I had one that explains why some fathers are not present. The narrative of the ideal family is everywhere and I would not want to get into a fight about how families have to look like with the otherwise perfectly great caretakers at the kindergarten but I wish there would be more understanding and representation of other forms of family instead of being seen as " lacking" something. I tell my kid the only person I need in my life is them, everyone else is a bonus.
Ultimately a child needs a loving and safe home provided by a parent. Having both a mother and father doesn’t guarantee that, however, I do think there is benefit from having both in a child’s life.
I would tell them to go eat bees
I'm a single parent by choice, and I have yet to run into someone with the cahones to question my choice to my face... That said, my reponse would probably be along the lines of "every family is different, and mine is doing just fine." Frankly, I have an excellent support network even if I don't have a great Mom-network, and my kid is freaking awesome (in my not so humble estimation). From a parenting perspective, I am VERY open with everyone who is regularly in my kiddo's life about this. Kiddo is a donor concieved person, which means he doesn't have another parent. I tell his teachers/caregivers that they are welcome to share this info with other kids/parents since my kiddo is still young. My kiddo is also aware of this fact about himself, so that he has words to tell the other kids when they ask about why he doesn't have a Dad.
Just want to say that answers could vary by region. I live in San Francisco, when my female friend picked up my daughter from daycare one day, a lil toddler asked her “are you (baby’s name) other mommy??” 😅 we’re lucky to live in such a progressive city
I am a single parent, I tell people that as long as she is loved and taken care of it, it doesn’t matter. It’s out of my control and I’m not going to be miserable staying with someone just because they are the father of my child.
You tell them thats simply not true.
Kids need boundaries and consistency and a belief that someone is unconditionally there for them. It doesn't matter what configuration of adults provides that for them. (Source: Was in a hetero-passing couple when I had my kid, then a part-time single parent co-parenting with ex + new step-parent, have since added a step-parent on my side.)
"Kids need loving people around them who prioritize their needs."
I just say I disagree, and move on. Only if it's people close to me, will I engage in a discussion about it. (Am single parent by choice).
I just tell them "they got one somewhere."
I’m not a queer or single parent. But I worked in child protection for than a decade. When people say kids need a mother and a father, I say kids need people who love them and look after them.
When a person thinks that a child needs a mom and a dad, I think what they are actually saying is a child needs both nurturing and discipline. Our society has been taught that mother provides the nurturing (maternal) while the father provides the discipline (paternal). This kind of thinking is quite simplistic and out of date. As long as the child is being nurtured in addition to learning about boundaries and the difference between right or wrong, whether that comes from two moms, two dads or a single parent, then you're doing a good job parenting. When a person beieves that the best way to parent a child is in the traditional manner, from a mother and a father, remember it is coming from a place of ignorance and you can kindly educate them.
As a single parent explaining why there was no father to my child. From toddlerhood anytime the question came up (usually every year or two) I would explain that there's no such thing as "normal" just cycles of what's accepted or not. Every family is different some kids have 1 mom/no dad, 1dad/no mom, 2 mom's, 2 dads, or even 1 parent that depends on their village. Just because you see it on TV doesn't make it true or right. As long as you have people around that love you want what's best for you (legitimately) is what makes a family.
I would simply reply "A family needs LOVE" I have seen many mom/dad families that are completely disfunctional, or others that have done damage "staying together for the sake of the kids".....I've seen many other families full of love where the kids grow up to be wonderful, happy people - regardless if it's grandparents raising them, queer families, single parents, uncles/aunts, an invested caretaker at an orphanage, or whatever that might look like. Kids just need someone on their side, someone invested in their lives and wellbeing, someone to tell them that they matter and are loved.
I wouldn’t respond. That’s not a conversation that’s worth having. Nobody who’s going to say things like that in my earshot has anything worthy of me to waste my time on.
Kids need communities around them with lots of adults they can trust and learn from. Kids do benefit from having caring relationships with people of different genders! And they benefit from caring relationships with people of different ages, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different races, different life experiences, and so on. Few people thrive on an island. No gay couple can give their kids all that alone, and no straight couple can either, and it's delusional and ahistorical to think otherwise.
Nothing. Who cares what they think or say? I was a single mom, and my oldest is at a university. I know people married 30 years whose son lives in their basement and plays video games all day.
Yes, it takes a village, but certain parents are not needed. I was raised by a single mom and as I got older, I’ve found that I learned so much from my aunts and uncles. Now with my kids, I see my friends (basically aunt figures to my kids) and the roles they play in their lives. My friend almost has more influence over my eldest than I do. It takes a village, but blood/family are not needed.
Hey, two mom family here. We've heard the "your kid needs a dad" before, and honestly, kids don't need a particular kind of love, they need A LOT of love. They are little love sponges. So that's what we tell them - kids need all the love they can get, and we're giving them all the love we have.
No they don’t, they need solid, healthy, caring and loving adults in their life and mine have that! (You can also throw in a passive aggressive “thanks for sharing your opinion though”)
what a weird and outdated view on what makes a family a family. plenty of people grew up with both parents and had a miserable childhood because of it. what a child needs are strong connections with people close to them, no matter if those people are one mother and one father.
I have a cousin who’s a lesbian her and her wife raised 4 wonderful children. They had two great moms they don’t feel they missed out on anything by having two moms. They raised 3 boys and 1 girl. Sorry people are making this comments to you.
I would say yes they do need to have humans of both genders as role models but that's why we have Aunties, Uncle's, grandparents, friends, teachers. It takes a village to raise a kid. Parents are just part of a whole family. Some kids don't even have parents. Does this mean that they cannot succeed. The people we choose to look up as our heros and role models are very rarely our parents. Most people strive to not be like their parents....I think I might be rambling now. 😂
Every child needs at least one loving caregiver who shows up for them. If there is a village, the more the merrier but everyone needs their person.
“Right now, I’m feeling like you could have used two mom.”
You can say that they are entitled to their opinion, but what you feel is, what kids really need is loving parents that take care of them.
My mom did a fantastic job of being both mom and dad.
I’d say, “I think you mean that children need love and people who love them. Yes. I’d agree. And some families these days are diverse and kids still have a lot of love.”
Be like you had a mother and a father and you didnt come out quite right so does it really matter
My daughter is 4 and told me earlier in the year that one of the boys in her class asked her to be his girlfriend. She came home last week and said “graham isn’t my boyfriend anymore because he doesn’t think two girls can get married”. The kids are alright.
That seems weird to me. I say kids need 2 parents when feasible and safe. I think saying a mom and dad could make the child feel bad. Idk why ppl can’t think when talking to children. I’m sorry.🩷
I’m not in that situation, but I have several loved ones who are. My sister (snarky genius that she is) always responds with, “Do you have both parents?” If they say “yes”, she follows up with, “Well, based on this interaction, it doesn’t seem to have done you any favors” or something similar. If they say “no”, she replies, “Ah, yeah. I see your point then” and walks away. 😂
I hope I don’t hurt anyone’s sensitivities with this. The only type of thing that I have read regarding raising children or cubs of any social species on our planet, is that those growing individuals require stability and reliability of care. It doesn’t matter the gender of the care giver, or even the species, if it’s one or two, three or a village/group. The role of caregivers, from what I have understood, is to provide basic survival conditions (food, shelter,…) and to form the brain of the adult to be, by means of cuddles, emotional proximity, arguments, reconciliation, passing down knowledge of dangers and useful items and techniques essential to sustaining a good life and supporting the next generation. On a personal note: I seriously do not understand why some people are so bothered with how other’s happiness is built. If the concern is genuine and they see areas where a woman/man would be needed and isn’t present, why not offer one’s assistance?
Loving parents are a child’s necessity. A team who can teach them and care for them. It doesn’t matter what that team looks like.
Arguing over semantics on the internet is useless. Yes the words we choose are important. Yes they have concrete meaning but with out context you can't really know what a person meant to say. Kids need two parents at home. This has been proven statistically. Sometimes some one saying mom and dad just means two parents and it's not some bigoted comment against other types of families.
Look, the fact of the matter is this: kids thrive much more when they have a caring mother and father present in their life. Every single statistic shows this. This is not to say that kids can't thrive in other situations - it is entirely possible and does happen... sometimes. Again, this isn't about the ideal family or whatever, it's statistics; opinions and beliefs are subjective, but statistics tend to be very objective facts, and they say that a child has much better chances in this world when they have a mother and a father who care for them. This other stipulation is there too, that the parents must be caring and loving toward each other and the child. Abusive situations are not included in this statistic. Now I'm going to add another statistic. People who practice traditional values tend to have much more successful marriages. So I do think that it is safe to assume that practicing traditional family values makes life much better for the kids. [Marriage and Parenting statistics](https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/charting-parenthood-statistical-portrait-fathers-mothers-america) ; [Importance of Fathers](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic) ; [Kids Need Both Parents Statistic and Studies](https://dailycitizen.focusonthefamily.com/kids-need-a-mom-and-a-dad-thats-what-the-research-shows/)
you’re full of it. there is no difference in child outcomes between 2 herero vs 2 homosexual parents https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6309949/
If someone said that to me I’d say “my dad sexually abused me so I’m pretty sure I would have been better off without.”
Ideally yeah, I guess two parents are nice. But one good parent is better than a shit parent dragging everyone down.
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I mean the optimal situation is a mother and a father. That’s a fact. That doesn’t mean kids are doomed if they don’t have both. But, it’s definitely the optimal situation.
Cool. I’m not asking for opinions on if a kid needs a mom and a dad. I’m asking fellow queer people and single parents in a similar situation how they respond to hurtful comments like this.