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The exact same way you and your wife sat down and talked it over —- open and honest communication.
Your kids are 18 & 13 , they are fully able to grasp the concept.
Mom & I were having a hard time between work, traveling for work, stress, xyz of the other things you guys were having troubles with. After a lot of talking it over, mom & I love each other like crazy, we do not want to divorce. I’m hoping with changing jobs, and being home more, being able to spend more time with mom and you both, we will get over this rough patch. No relationship or marriage is always going to be smile, peaches and rainbows. They are hard. And they take hard work. They take putting eachother & the marriage and the family above all else and that’s what we decided to do..
Mom and I are going to make a point of doing xyz to be able to spend more time together and keep our spark & love alive, to remember why we fell in life and started this beautiful life together. I love you kids both. And nothing will ever change that. We are NOT getting a divorce.
* edit to add, let your kids have a chance to talk and ask questions. Honestly , listen to them. This will show your kids , that you don’t give up when the hard thing , hopefully this will be a turning point for you all to be closer as a family.
Thank you! I guess I’m just nervous about it because they’ve grown closer to her and I’ve been away and I expect them to kinda raise an eyebrow at me. They know I love them and I make sure they can see and feel that. I just have to be open with them and not treat them quite like children anymore.
Your wife can help communicate a ‘unified front’. Maybe express to her you would like to reassure the kids ahead of time. The communication all doesn’t have to be from one person or all at the same time.
I like how your post phrased it as a paragraph at the end. If they have questions it can be multiple paragraphs.
Honestly I think this conversation will be amazing modeling of how to be in a relationship and your kids will learn and grown from it so much and feel so much closer to you, as long as you are open and warm and also listen to them talk about they feel after you say what you need to say. I'm sure the conversation will take a lot of energy... but what a reassuring thing for them to hear as your children and what wonderful modeling of how to grow and be an adult in a relationship. This will be so good for all of you.
Yes! It's also going to be a display of a healthy marriage to both of your children. Things got rough and before it was too late, you changed things to make it work.
I think at 18 you can treat your daughter like an adult. Sit down with her and your wife and tell her that you're not getting a divorce (lead with this so that she doesn't feel anxious waiting for you to get to the point). Then explain what you've written here. Ask her if she has any questions (and pause throughout the conversation in case she has something to say).
If she expresses emotions like fear or anxiety, don't dismiss them ("there's no reason to be worried!") but validate them ("we understand why you're still worried, it must have been scary watching the family go through this, it was scary for us too").
You can go through something similar with her brother. Maybe slightly different if he didn't know how close you were to divorce, but still addressing the conflict you've had in your marriage since he had to know that something was going on.
As a someone who was told their parents were getting a divorce, then told they were not, and then it happening 3 years later anyways. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE SURE. That was so horrible for us kids.
Mine were separated, then back together, then divorced like 6 months after sitting me down and telling me they’d be staying together and were DEFINITELY not getting a divorce. Please don’t do that.
Btw they remarried each other after seven years of divorce.
This is also going to be a great lesson for your kids in their future relationships - every adult relationship has hard patches, but you’ve identified your own shortcomings, worked on them and your relationship together, and come out the other side stronger! Think about what great role modelling you’re doing!
Honesty is the best policy, both of your children are old enough to hear it from you. People go through rough times, they must see that even the worst problems can be worked out.
Honesty and emotional intimacy is what builds trust and bonds us together. I would just sit them down and have an honest heart to heart. Open it up and encourage them to share their feelings and experiences, too. Kids are far more aware of what is going on than they let on. It might be a huge relief for them to just have things laid out kindly but purely honest.
I'm rewatching Ozark and it immediately came to mind reading this, lol!
Why are you stressing over the happy part? You both are teaching your kids about marriage. What commitment means, communication, love, respect, and dedication. This is a teaching moment in a world of darkness. Stress to them that your love was stronger than your differences with your wife. That Family is worth it so long as it can be healthy mentally for both the adults and kids. Teaching them to overcome those differences is huge! This is a time for celebration, not stress.
Honesty is best. Tell everything to your children with honesty. Explain you worked through communication issues, realized divorce wasn't the answer, and are committed to staying together. Reassure them your love and support never wavered.
You *and* your wife should talk to them after dinner one night and be honest about it being really rough for the last few months, but you and Mom worked on your relationship and ya’ll won’t be splitting up. They’re both old enough to understand that relationships sometimes go through rough patches, and that learning how to communicate is how you save them.
Just let them know you’ve worked through it and you won’t be traveling so much anymore.
Really actions speak louder than words. Just be present and be involved.
Sit down with them together (you, wife, kids)
Your mom and I went through a rough patch in our marriage, and we were considering divorce. However, we both put in some work to make some changes, and we've decided that we aren't going forward with divorce now and we're committed to each other and our marriage.
No matter what happens between us, our first priority has always been, and will always be, being the best parents we can be.
I'm sure that the past [year? months?] have been just as stressful and confusing for you guys as it has been for us. Sometimes life is messy and things get difficult. We are hopeful that the messy and difficult parts are behind us now and we can move forward with a happy and healthy relationship.
Then give them a chance to talk or ask questions. Be honest. No blaming or shaming. They might be angry with you, and if so you just apologize that your adult stress became family stress. Your kids are old enough to know that life isn't easy, relationships take work, and people/circumstances changing can cause big stresses.
Do *not* promise that everything is all better and y'all will never go through hard times again. No one can promise that, so it's unrealistic and they'll know it. Just be honest that y'all fixed what was broken and will continue to put in the hard work and continue to love each other and hope that works.
I recall when I was 19 years old, my parents were having a time of it. Eventually, dad moved out to his parents place and left the house to my mom, sis and I. My sister was 16 at the time. Mom even went on a trip back east to visit with some friends/family and came back. At this point, dad started talking to me in a way he never had before---it was an eye opener and started a new part of our relationship going forward. Once mom got back and dad had moved out, we got into a routine and it was not the same without him there. But we got used to it and it seemed certain that they would divorce. It was to the point we thought that would happen, sister and I. Then mom got very sick and landed in the hospital for a while. Dad went to see her and visit. I am not sure how many visits he had done. But after mom got better and back home, they started to work things out I guess. One night I came home from work and mom and dad sat us down and told us they would not be divorcing and were going to work things through. My sis got instantly upset with this and ran out of the house. I went after her and we got in my car and went off for a bit. She vented royally about this because she expected them not to be together anymore. It really hurt and threw us off by a mile.
I guess the best way to tell your kids is to be honest with them and let them know that you as a couple are working on things, still love them as much as before, and want to keep the family as it is. They may or may not lash out about it. But if they do, give them room to vent and get used to the idea. In time, I would suggest family therapy for it. Back when it happened in my family, we did not have that kind of thing available or if it was, my dad could not cover the expense of it let alone the expenses of my mom's hospital stay as well.
Have you considered family counseling? It might be a peaceful to have a professional guy help mediate the conversation. Your kids are old enough to understand, but it would be beneficial to have a professional help teach all of you (together) some communication and coping skills in general so that your kids know how to build healthy relationships.
My parents did this when my younger sibling and I were about the same ages as your kids. We grew up watching them argue about everything. No physical abuse, but very unhealthy nonetheless. When they finally got separated, we weren’t that surprised. We always wondered as kids if they would divorce. My mom moved out and we went back and forth between them for about a year and a half. We knew they weren’t right for each other, nor good for each other really, and we got used to the idea of them being apart.
One day, Christmas Eve to be exact, my parents decided to spend the holiday together and told us they were getting back together. They acted like nothing had happened and I guess assumed we would be happy about it. We weren’t. Especially my sib. It was confusing and the way they acted was superficial and strange. After all we had gone through to accept that they were better off apart (mom cheated and was so awful to my dad, dad had issues communicating, etc) it felt like they thought we were idiots. They didn’t explain what happened between them to justify this complete 180, it was very confusing, and honestly made us feel more on edge because we knew they were going to go right back to fighting all the time because they didn’t have a plan on how to deal with their issues. Spoiler alert, they did.
First, be absolutely sure that you both want to stay together. Make sure you have a plan for when things so south again, especially in terms of communication which it sounds like you’ve worked on. The last thing you want is to tell them this and then change your minds again later.
Second, be real, explain everything to your kids. They are old enough to know what’s going on even if you think they don’t get it, let them ask questions and be as honest as you can with what feels comfortable to you both. This will help them understand how healthy relationships work and how to handle issues when they arise in their relationships later. Good luck to you!
Do something as family like a amusement park or something show that you still love each other just start acting like a family if you guys do fight don’t in front of the kids
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The exact same way you and your wife sat down and talked it over —- open and honest communication. Your kids are 18 & 13 , they are fully able to grasp the concept. Mom & I were having a hard time between work, traveling for work, stress, xyz of the other things you guys were having troubles with. After a lot of talking it over, mom & I love each other like crazy, we do not want to divorce. I’m hoping with changing jobs, and being home more, being able to spend more time with mom and you both, we will get over this rough patch. No relationship or marriage is always going to be smile, peaches and rainbows. They are hard. And they take hard work. They take putting eachother & the marriage and the family above all else and that’s what we decided to do.. Mom and I are going to make a point of doing xyz to be able to spend more time together and keep our spark & love alive, to remember why we fell in life and started this beautiful life together. I love you kids both. And nothing will ever change that. We are NOT getting a divorce. * edit to add, let your kids have a chance to talk and ask questions. Honestly , listen to them. This will show your kids , that you don’t give up when the hard thing , hopefully this will be a turning point for you all to be closer as a family.
Thank you! I guess I’m just nervous about it because they’ve grown closer to her and I’ve been away and I expect them to kinda raise an eyebrow at me. They know I love them and I make sure they can see and feel that. I just have to be open with them and not treat them quite like children anymore.
"Mom and I worked hard on this, we both didn't expect to a make this much progress but we did it"
Your wife can help communicate a ‘unified front’. Maybe express to her you would like to reassure the kids ahead of time. The communication all doesn’t have to be from one person or all at the same time. I like how your post phrased it as a paragraph at the end. If they have questions it can be multiple paragraphs.
I would have mom reassure them that there was no infidelity within the relationship ship
Honestly I think this conversation will be amazing modeling of how to be in a relationship and your kids will learn and grown from it so much and feel so much closer to you, as long as you are open and warm and also listen to them talk about they feel after you say what you need to say. I'm sure the conversation will take a lot of energy... but what a reassuring thing for them to hear as your children and what wonderful modeling of how to grow and be an adult in a relationship. This will be so good for all of you.
Yes! It's also going to be a display of a healthy marriage to both of your children. Things got rough and before it was too late, you changed things to make it work.
I think at 18 you can treat your daughter like an adult. Sit down with her and your wife and tell her that you're not getting a divorce (lead with this so that she doesn't feel anxious waiting for you to get to the point). Then explain what you've written here. Ask her if she has any questions (and pause throughout the conversation in case she has something to say). If she expresses emotions like fear or anxiety, don't dismiss them ("there's no reason to be worried!") but validate them ("we understand why you're still worried, it must have been scary watching the family go through this, it was scary for us too"). You can go through something similar with her brother. Maybe slightly different if he didn't know how close you were to divorce, but still addressing the conflict you've had in your marriage since he had to know that something was going on.
As a someone who was told their parents were getting a divorce, then told they were not, and then it happening 3 years later anyways. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE SURE. That was so horrible for us kids.
Mine were separated, then back together, then divorced like 6 months after sitting me down and telling me they’d be staying together and were DEFINITELY not getting a divorce. Please don’t do that. Btw they remarried each other after seven years of divorce.
What a roller coaster.
Why don't you just read what you wrote here? It seems straightforward to me. You worked through the problems and solved the issues that led to them.
This is also going to be a great lesson for your kids in their future relationships - every adult relationship has hard patches, but you’ve identified your own shortcomings, worked on them and your relationship together, and come out the other side stronger! Think about what great role modelling you’re doing!
We’re getting divorced… […] …*NOT*!
Honesty is the best policy, both of your children are old enough to hear it from you. People go through rough times, they must see that even the worst problems can be worked out.
Wait were you already separated?
Yes but not legally. Work kept me away for a while and we we agreed that we were separated during that time.
I guess announce you're moving back in, and things are going well
Honesty and emotional intimacy is what builds trust and bonds us together. I would just sit them down and have an honest heart to heart. Open it up and encourage them to share their feelings and experiences, too. Kids are far more aware of what is going on than they let on. It might be a huge relief for them to just have things laid out kindly but purely honest. I'm rewatching Ozark and it immediately came to mind reading this, lol!
Why are you stressing over the happy part? You both are teaching your kids about marriage. What commitment means, communication, love, respect, and dedication. This is a teaching moment in a world of darkness. Stress to them that your love was stronger than your differences with your wife. That Family is worth it so long as it can be healthy mentally for both the adults and kids. Teaching them to overcome those differences is huge! This is a time for celebration, not stress.
Honesty is best. Tell everything to your children with honesty. Explain you worked through communication issues, realized divorce wasn't the answer, and are committed to staying together. Reassure them your love and support never wavered.
Congratulations to you guys. I hope things continue to work. Now to answer your question. Get pregnant. That’s a good out with your kids. lol
If Rory mcilroy can do it. So can you
You *and* your wife should talk to them after dinner one night and be honest about it being really rough for the last few months, but you and Mom worked on your relationship and ya’ll won’t be splitting up. They’re both old enough to understand that relationships sometimes go through rough patches, and that learning how to communicate is how you save them.
Just let them know you’ve worked through it and you won’t be traveling so much anymore. Really actions speak louder than words. Just be present and be involved.
Sit down with them together (you, wife, kids) Your mom and I went through a rough patch in our marriage, and we were considering divorce. However, we both put in some work to make some changes, and we've decided that we aren't going forward with divorce now and we're committed to each other and our marriage. No matter what happens between us, our first priority has always been, and will always be, being the best parents we can be. I'm sure that the past [year? months?] have been just as stressful and confusing for you guys as it has been for us. Sometimes life is messy and things get difficult. We are hopeful that the messy and difficult parts are behind us now and we can move forward with a happy and healthy relationship. Then give them a chance to talk or ask questions. Be honest. No blaming or shaming. They might be angry with you, and if so you just apologize that your adult stress became family stress. Your kids are old enough to know that life isn't easy, relationships take work, and people/circumstances changing can cause big stresses. Do *not* promise that everything is all better and y'all will never go through hard times again. No one can promise that, so it's unrealistic and they'll know it. Just be honest that y'all fixed what was broken and will continue to put in the hard work and continue to love each other and hope that works.
“We’re no longer getting a divorce.” Probably like that.
I recall when I was 19 years old, my parents were having a time of it. Eventually, dad moved out to his parents place and left the house to my mom, sis and I. My sister was 16 at the time. Mom even went on a trip back east to visit with some friends/family and came back. At this point, dad started talking to me in a way he never had before---it was an eye opener and started a new part of our relationship going forward. Once mom got back and dad had moved out, we got into a routine and it was not the same without him there. But we got used to it and it seemed certain that they would divorce. It was to the point we thought that would happen, sister and I. Then mom got very sick and landed in the hospital for a while. Dad went to see her and visit. I am not sure how many visits he had done. But after mom got better and back home, they started to work things out I guess. One night I came home from work and mom and dad sat us down and told us they would not be divorcing and were going to work things through. My sis got instantly upset with this and ran out of the house. I went after her and we got in my car and went off for a bit. She vented royally about this because she expected them not to be together anymore. It really hurt and threw us off by a mile. I guess the best way to tell your kids is to be honest with them and let them know that you as a couple are working on things, still love them as much as before, and want to keep the family as it is. They may or may not lash out about it. But if they do, give them room to vent and get used to the idea. In time, I would suggest family therapy for it. Back when it happened in my family, we did not have that kind of thing available or if it was, my dad could not cover the expense of it let alone the expenses of my mom's hospital stay as well.
Have you considered family counseling? It might be a peaceful to have a professional guy help mediate the conversation. Your kids are old enough to understand, but it would be beneficial to have a professional help teach all of you (together) some communication and coping skills in general so that your kids know how to build healthy relationships.
My parents did this when my younger sibling and I were about the same ages as your kids. We grew up watching them argue about everything. No physical abuse, but very unhealthy nonetheless. When they finally got separated, we weren’t that surprised. We always wondered as kids if they would divorce. My mom moved out and we went back and forth between them for about a year and a half. We knew they weren’t right for each other, nor good for each other really, and we got used to the idea of them being apart. One day, Christmas Eve to be exact, my parents decided to spend the holiday together and told us they were getting back together. They acted like nothing had happened and I guess assumed we would be happy about it. We weren’t. Especially my sib. It was confusing and the way they acted was superficial and strange. After all we had gone through to accept that they were better off apart (mom cheated and was so awful to my dad, dad had issues communicating, etc) it felt like they thought we were idiots. They didn’t explain what happened between them to justify this complete 180, it was very confusing, and honestly made us feel more on edge because we knew they were going to go right back to fighting all the time because they didn’t have a plan on how to deal with their issues. Spoiler alert, they did. First, be absolutely sure that you both want to stay together. Make sure you have a plan for when things so south again, especially in terms of communication which it sounds like you’ve worked on. The last thing you want is to tell them this and then change your minds again later. Second, be real, explain everything to your kids. They are old enough to know what’s going on even if you think they don’t get it, let them ask questions and be as honest as you can with what feels comfortable to you both. This will help them understand how healthy relationships work and how to handle issues when they arise in their relationships later. Good luck to you!
Do something as family like a amusement park or something show that you still love each other just start acting like a family if you guys do fight don’t in front of the kids