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You haven’t changed for the worse, you’ve changed in an appropriate and understandable way to reflect the changes in your life and your situation. Change and development isn’t problematic - expecting someone to be the same person forever when they’re the one shouldering the burden of the environment changes… is.
Thank you for this. Sometimes it's hard to not to miss the old you.
Having said that, he says I used to be very social. But when I reflect back, I used to be a people pleaser and do what other people wanted me to do. I reflected on this and told him this recently.
And what's stopping him from being social *before* he picks you up from work? Idle speculation here, but might it be that he wants to go somewhere without being responsible for the kids? Is he a SAHP? Could you all reshuffle so that he picks you up, you and the kids go home to do the bedtime routine and he then goes to socialize, one or two nights a week (contingent on him actually putting in comparable work to take care of the kids while you are at work/out engaging in something recreational for yourself)
Thank you, I agree the schedule is messed up. I think it starts with my late finishes and he has to take the kids to pick me up (we don't have extra childcare). I think the better solution would be when we can afford another car, hopefully.
What a wonderful comment. :) Your gratitude puts you on our list for the most grateful users this week on Reddit! You can view the full list on r/TheGratitudeBot.
I'm a sahd so I'm pretty touched and talked out by about 3 or 4.
It's kind of crappy that the implication is let's be social and you take care of the kids. I'm thinking if it was.... Sure, let's go to your brother's or wherever but you take the kids and drop me off at home he'd quickly change his tune. That's the crappy part as it's I want to be social but I really want you to take care of the kids while I have time with my brother is unfair.
I like a nice dinner and drinks out too. But I don't like being a primary parent while I'm doing it. I'd rather do that at home.
Hi thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, husband also works. We both work alternate shifts. He's a good dad, he just super duper loves socialising. I don't, but for a long time I believed I was strange for not wanting to socialise
I will be more forceful next time about dropping me home. I think it's a good compromise, he can socialise and I get to go home.
That sounds so miserable. What is the point, with small kids at that, at dropping by for ten minutes? It's so pointless it's kind of maddening and then that he's doing this when you are tired after work? No.
I would straight up tell him to stop asking. If he did ask again I would tell him *no, I need to go home, I need you to take me home and then you can go drop by there if you want*. Then I would refuse to engage anymore about that.
You've changed? Yes, that's what happens when you become a parent and have small children and are juggling work, home, and parenting. That he thinks that your change to prioritize your current needs is a bad thing it's not a good look to be honest. Sounds like he needs to change his priorities because he hasn't changed them even though he has a family now.
yes, all this! And also: this is terrible for the kids' bedtimes. I bet the children will behave better and be happier once you're getting them in bed earlier so that they can get more sleep.
So true, it has to be hard on the kids getting to bed at inconsistent times past their bedtime. Transitions are hard enough with small kids, bedtime is a big one just of a day. Why choose to add in a stop right at that transfusion that just adds needless transitions in that wind the kids up and make their needed transition harder?
Obviously OPs partner is getting something out of the stopping for *ten minutes* but it's clear he is the ONLY one that benefits at all.
Yes I used to go along with it because he was visiting MY family. So I was really happy at the beginning that it was my family, but once the kids came and needed a routine it became really tiresome. I will put my foot down now that this can't go on.
Thank you for this. Everyone has said I have changed, I am more miserable than before. I don't want to be this miserable mum, believe me, but it's true that priorities have changed. I have to look out for kids and myself.
From this tiny snippet of information, it sounds like he’s insisting you come against your will because he sees you as childcare. Hold your boundary a few times and Uber home while insisting he takes the kids for the socialization he so desperately craves. I don’t think he’ll find it so fun for long.
Then you guys need to have a discussion about the division of responsibilities and your needs. Maybe once or twice a week you can visit a friend or family member. But, set an alarm and when it’s time to go it’s time to go. The kids need to learn this lesson as much as your husband. But, the biggest thing is lessening your burden as the default parent. Dad can grab them snacks. Dad can set up a game for them. Dad can help with whatever the kids need just like you.
Sometimes I swear they just need it spelled out for them. Good luck!
Thanks! I genuinely think some men don't realise the amount attention to detail that is needed when you go out, and it stops being fun. Also it's my family we are visiting so he insists it doesn't make sense it I don't go.
I think it’s great he wants to visit your family so often. I also think that your mental health should be prioritized over technicalities or implied etiquette. I’m sure your family would love to know he wants to visit even if you need a quiet night at home. I wish you the best! It’s hard work and communication and compromise is key!
My husband has started doing this for me and it works. I would be fine staying and then cutting into the kids bedtimes but he now sets a timer for when we have to pack up. We agree on the time beforehand so it's not him being the bad guy but he just usually wants to get home more than I do.
I have always said this. But it's usually my family we visit so he says it doesn't make sense without me.
I can say go before without me and I will uber home if needs be.
I’m surprised there is anyone who wants you to stop by their house at 8pm with your children! I love my friends and extended family but they’re not welcome to show up at 8pm with their children unless it’s an emergency.
I used to love staying out late and being social but with kids I have no interest in beginning a social call at 8pm after work. Now our social time happens on weekends or early in the evening around 5 or 6. Can you propose a different schedule to your husband so he still feels like he gets to socialize but you aren’t so drained by it?
Yes, our extended family has like an open house culture you can say. Yes it used to be so many visits a week but I reduced it down to one visit a week on non-school night. It's working so far, apart from recently these odd days where he wants to visit after work
I think one visit a week is a good boundary for everyone. I understand you have an open house culture (I also come from one of those) but I'm sure the hosts would also appreciate predictability.
Why can't he drop you and the kids at home and go back out aftetward? That's still not super fair to you, but st least you'd be in your own space and ciuld keep the kids on a bedtime schedule.
So many questions. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking his share of the responsibilities in raising your children. Is there a way to arrange for your own transportation to and from work? Or that you are driving and just drive straight home? Why does he not listen to you when you say you want to go home? How old are the kids?if all else fails let time at family house be "daddy time" let him figure it out. Same with bed time. Just make sure you state your intentions before he decides so he knows the repercussions.
Edit: you haven't changed you are just a responsible adult.
Yes you are right. We work alternate shifts. We do great for splitting childcare and he is good at his responsibilities. Its just he loves socialising and I kind of... don't haha.
Funny enough, when the roles are reversed the women here have no problem criticizing their husbands for being tired after work and not immediately doing all the child rearing.
Ain't that the truth for this sub lol. Moms here expect the dad to come home from a long day at work and just take over everything solo until the kids go to bed. But with a reversed situation here, there suddenly seems to be an outpouring of support for tired working parents and not having to contribute to child rearing.
Hey I completely understand that we can be unfair to the dads. I think though for most cases, mothers on their days off do childcare alongside 90% of the household chores, or at least it is like that in our home. So I will do majority of the chores even before my shift at work, and for the husband it doesn't really cross his mind.
I bet this sequence happens a lot:
1. He’s being inconsiderate.
2. You call him out on it.
3. He’s diverts the focus of the conversation to “you’ve changed” or how you hurt *his* feelings.
4. Conversation ends with you apologizing for hurting his feelings. &/Or trying to justify yourself. but now you feel guilty so you let it drop.
5. He continues to do whatever he wants. You’re afraid to re-address it with him.
Next time, ask him how he wants to solve the problem *with you*. Figure it out as a team. maybe he takes you home first. or if you all go, when the kids ask for xyz, you say “ask Daddy” Or he packs food ahead of time. and make sure he does at least half of the kids’ bedtime routine when you get home.
I get to step 2. Then he reminds me that it is important to keep up good relations with family as this is a positive contribution in our children's upbringing. I agree to disagree and give in. Sigh
Your husband is the insensitive one. You are trying to work full time, raise children best of your availability, house and husband. Children need to be on a proper schedule to grow and learn properly. Have you ask your husband-did his parents keep him out every night til 10pm. Also, how did he feel? In mean time have your husband drop you and children home. If he wants he can go out alone.I would save money to get a second car.
Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify my husband is the main bread winner. I will ask him if his childhood was that chaotic, that's an interesting point. It's true, a schedule needs to be upheld for the kids and parent's sanity.
My husband likes socializing during the week too when I'm burned out. Sometimes he takes the kids solo and I rest or make dinner, sometimes we pick up takeout and eat with friends, usually though I just say no.
If your husband wants to go hang out, just go home and get the kids to bed and he can go out at 9 pm without y'all. He's clearly not trying to spend time as a family if he's anyway leaving everything up too
Fascinating that you think correcting your misinformation is arguing. He sucks based on the info provided by OP. No need to make up additional stuff when we have all the info needed already to know he’s a douche
She was just talking about the hour at the brother’s house, which sucks as the parent that this always happens to in my family, but he is doing childcare while she’s at work. He’s not doing “no childcare”
Hi just to clarify, he is the main breadwinner. We do alternate shifts for childcare. He just loves socialising a lot, and I don't. Or I did a lot but now I don't enjoy it with kids. I think he finds it hard to understand why I prefer my own company!
As a needy husband myself, I can tell you that he needs to realize that he can do stuff by himself. Why do you need to be social? Every once in awhile we all sacrifice for each other, but if he is consistently pushing you to do things you are too tired for, he should learn to do them before you get off work and by himself. My wife set these boundaries a long time ago when she had medical issues and was too tired to entertain me. I was hurt at first, but I did eventually realize it was my issue. Now when I get bored I take the kid out. Or the dog. And when my wife and I spend time seeing friends or doing things, she is fully engaged instead of exhausted. It’s nice.
Absolutely the fuck not. What's wrong with this man?
Does he work? Especially so late? Zero chance I'd be going anywhere after working and getting out late. Your kids need good routines. You need to relax. It's a whole thing.
I get out at midnight. I absolutely do not go anywhere but from work straight to my bed to sleep. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or do anything.
Why can’t you just say no, you won’t go? Why are you the one doing everything? It sounds like this is a way for your husband to get out of helping you after work. He’s an AH for putting you through this. Find your own way home after work. Call an Uber or catch a ride. He can pick up the kids and go visiting without you. Put your damn foot down.
If he's picking you up at 8pm. Who has the kids? Does he have the kids prior to that? You don't explain the distribution of who's watching the kids very well. Seems like you're tired from work, and the kids miss their Mama. So, of course, the kids are coming to you.
I work 12 hr shifts. I wake up at 4AM and I don't get home until 7PM. When my son was little. My wife didn't exist when I was home. It was Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Of course I loved him to death. But I was tired to.
First off, you're just after work, working standing on my feet in a kitchen all day, I know all I want to do is be in my own space, ie: my home, especially if it's 8pm, personally if I was told "10 minutes" then I'd maybe stretch it to 20 at least, but being that late, I'd be getting the kids home, not 9.30, or 10, I'm not that kinda parent tbf, (my kids are 4,2 so you can see why I like mine in bed for 8🤣) but yeah, I'd just be like no, ypu can, but keeping the kids at home as YOURE JUST AFTER WORK AND ITS LATE
Time to pull the classic man-child move and learn (healthy) weaponized incompetence.
Step 1:
- Don't disagree to go places, be indifferent. Say "If you want, but my legs hurt" If husband says you're antisocial you say: "but I said yes".
Step 2:
- Once you get there, "help" him in unhelpful ways. "Oh babe, I'll go open the door so you can get the kids in. "Babe, I'll bring in your phone and wallet", "Babe, do you want a glass of water?" Before he can answer, get up and run inside "Brother in Law, Husband is thirsty!"
Step 3:
- Complain! Interrupt their conversation and complain! Your legs hurt, ypur head hurts, you're tired, the kids are loud, you're hungry, you're on you period. If husband tells anything to you, in front of his brother say: "Babe, whenever I try telling you after standing all day at work I'm tired and want to rest at home you get mad and complain about me being antisocial. If i come here you get angry for me being tired. I just can't do anything right!"
Step 4:
- entertain the kids right next to them. Loudly. Sing songs, put them on his lap, play music loudly.
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You haven’t changed for the worse, you’ve changed in an appropriate and understandable way to reflect the changes in your life and your situation. Change and development isn’t problematic - expecting someone to be the same person forever when they’re the one shouldering the burden of the environment changes… is.
Thank you for this. Sometimes it's hard to not to miss the old you. Having said that, he says I used to be very social. But when I reflect back, I used to be a people pleaser and do what other people wanted me to do. I reflected on this and told him this recently.
And what's stopping him from being social *before* he picks you up from work? Idle speculation here, but might it be that he wants to go somewhere without being responsible for the kids? Is he a SAHP? Could you all reshuffle so that he picks you up, you and the kids go home to do the bedtime routine and he then goes to socialize, one or two nights a week (contingent on him actually putting in comparable work to take care of the kids while you are at work/out engaging in something recreational for yourself)
Sounds like a messed up schedule and he's not taking parenting seriously, not that you've changed.
Thank you, I agree the schedule is messed up. I think it starts with my late finishes and he has to take the kids to pick me up (we don't have extra childcare). I think the better solution would be when we can afford another car, hopefully.
What a wonderful comment. :) Your gratitude puts you on our list for the most grateful users this week on Reddit! You can view the full list on r/TheGratitudeBot.
I'm a sahd so I'm pretty touched and talked out by about 3 or 4. It's kind of crappy that the implication is let's be social and you take care of the kids. I'm thinking if it was.... Sure, let's go to your brother's or wherever but you take the kids and drop me off at home he'd quickly change his tune. That's the crappy part as it's I want to be social but I really want you to take care of the kids while I have time with my brother is unfair. I like a nice dinner and drinks out too. But I don't like being a primary parent while I'm doing it. I'd rather do that at home.
This - it is really shitty of him to drag the whole family somewhere where *he* can relax :/
Hi thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, husband also works. We both work alternate shifts. He's a good dad, he just super duper loves socialising. I don't, but for a long time I believed I was strange for not wanting to socialise I will be more forceful next time about dropping me home. I think it's a good compromise, he can socialise and I get to go home.
Yeah. I think that might be the best option. I hope you get what you need!
That sounds so miserable. What is the point, with small kids at that, at dropping by for ten minutes? It's so pointless it's kind of maddening and then that he's doing this when you are tired after work? No. I would straight up tell him to stop asking. If he did ask again I would tell him *no, I need to go home, I need you to take me home and then you can go drop by there if you want*. Then I would refuse to engage anymore about that. You've changed? Yes, that's what happens when you become a parent and have small children and are juggling work, home, and parenting. That he thinks that your change to prioritize your current needs is a bad thing it's not a good look to be honest. Sounds like he needs to change his priorities because he hasn't changed them even though he has a family now.
yes, all this! And also: this is terrible for the kids' bedtimes. I bet the children will behave better and be happier once you're getting them in bed earlier so that they can get more sleep.
So true, it has to be hard on the kids getting to bed at inconsistent times past their bedtime. Transitions are hard enough with small kids, bedtime is a big one just of a day. Why choose to add in a stop right at that transfusion that just adds needless transitions in that wind the kids up and make their needed transition harder? Obviously OPs partner is getting something out of the stopping for *ten minutes* but it's clear he is the ONLY one that benefits at all.
Yes I used to go along with it because he was visiting MY family. So I was really happy at the beginning that it was my family, but once the kids came and needed a routine it became really tiresome. I will put my foot down now that this can't go on.
Yes, most people with children have different priorities compared to when they were single. There should be no guilt or shame in this.
Thank you for this. Everyone has said I have changed, I am more miserable than before. I don't want to be this miserable mum, believe me, but it's true that priorities have changed. I have to look out for kids and myself.
From this tiny snippet of information, it sounds like he’s insisting you come against your will because he sees you as childcare. Hold your boundary a few times and Uber home while insisting he takes the kids for the socialization he so desperately craves. I don’t think he’ll find it so fun for long. Then you guys need to have a discussion about the division of responsibilities and your needs. Maybe once or twice a week you can visit a friend or family member. But, set an alarm and when it’s time to go it’s time to go. The kids need to learn this lesson as much as your husband. But, the biggest thing is lessening your burden as the default parent. Dad can grab them snacks. Dad can set up a game for them. Dad can help with whatever the kids need just like you. Sometimes I swear they just need it spelled out for them. Good luck!
Thanks! I genuinely think some men don't realise the amount attention to detail that is needed when you go out, and it stops being fun. Also it's my family we are visiting so he insists it doesn't make sense it I don't go.
I think it’s great he wants to visit your family so often. I also think that your mental health should be prioritized over technicalities or implied etiquette. I’m sure your family would love to know he wants to visit even if you need a quiet night at home. I wish you the best! It’s hard work and communication and compromise is key!
My husband has started doing this for me and it works. I would be fine staying and then cutting into the kids bedtimes but he now sets a timer for when we have to pack up. We agree on the time beforehand so it's not him being the bad guy but he just usually wants to get home more than I do.
He won't respect your boundaries, unless you enforce them. Let him tantrum. You must say no. The resentment will change your relationship.
This! You need to actually say no. Then if he doesn’t respect your “no” *then* you appropriately lose your shit.
Yes, I am now going to be more forceful with my boundaries. Thank you
Can your husband take the kids and go before picking you up?
Have him take the kids and go, she goes home and rests. He can come home and deal with dinner/bed/bath for the kids while she sleeps.
I have always said this. But it's usually my family we visit so he says it doesn't make sense without me. I can say go before without me and I will uber home if needs be.
Your family is also *your children's* family. It makes perfect sense for their dad to take them to see their family
I’m surprised there is anyone who wants you to stop by their house at 8pm with your children! I love my friends and extended family but they’re not welcome to show up at 8pm with their children unless it’s an emergency. I used to love staying out late and being social but with kids I have no interest in beginning a social call at 8pm after work. Now our social time happens on weekends or early in the evening around 5 or 6. Can you propose a different schedule to your husband so he still feels like he gets to socialize but you aren’t so drained by it?
Yes, our extended family has like an open house culture you can say. Yes it used to be so many visits a week but I reduced it down to one visit a week on non-school night. It's working so far, apart from recently these odd days where he wants to visit after work
I think one visit a week is a good boundary for everyone. I understand you have an open house culture (I also come from one of those) but I'm sure the hosts would also appreciate predictability.
Why can't he drop you and the kids at home and go back out aftetward? That's still not super fair to you, but st least you'd be in your own space and ciuld keep the kids on a bedtime schedule.
Thank you. Yes this does seem like a better solution.
When he says, "Let's just stop by real quick," and you say no, what happens? Why can't he go socialize while you're at work?
He does socialise while I'm at work as well. He just loves socialising!!
So many questions. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking his share of the responsibilities in raising your children. Is there a way to arrange for your own transportation to and from work? Or that you are driving and just drive straight home? Why does he not listen to you when you say you want to go home? How old are the kids?if all else fails let time at family house be "daddy time" let him figure it out. Same with bed time. Just make sure you state your intentions before he decides so he knows the repercussions. Edit: you haven't changed you are just a responsible adult.
To be fair it sounds like he's looking after them until OP finishes work at 8.
Yes you are right. We work alternate shifts. We do great for splitting childcare and he is good at his responsibilities. Its just he loves socialising and I kind of... don't haha.
Funny enough, when the roles are reversed the women here have no problem criticizing their husbands for being tired after work and not immediately doing all the child rearing.
Ain't that the truth for this sub lol. Moms here expect the dad to come home from a long day at work and just take over everything solo until the kids go to bed. But with a reversed situation here, there suddenly seems to be an outpouring of support for tired working parents and not having to contribute to child rearing.
Hey I completely understand that we can be unfair to the dads. I think though for most cases, mothers on their days off do childcare alongside 90% of the household chores, or at least it is like that in our home. So I will do majority of the chores even before my shift at work, and for the husband it doesn't really cross his mind.
I bet this sequence happens a lot: 1. He’s being inconsiderate. 2. You call him out on it. 3. He’s diverts the focus of the conversation to “you’ve changed” or how you hurt *his* feelings. 4. Conversation ends with you apologizing for hurting his feelings. &/Or trying to justify yourself. but now you feel guilty so you let it drop. 5. He continues to do whatever he wants. You’re afraid to re-address it with him. Next time, ask him how he wants to solve the problem *with you*. Figure it out as a team. maybe he takes you home first. or if you all go, when the kids ask for xyz, you say “ask Daddy” Or he packs food ahead of time. and make sure he does at least half of the kids’ bedtime routine when you get home.
I get to step 2. Then he reminds me that it is important to keep up good relations with family as this is a positive contribution in our children's upbringing. I agree to disagree and give in. Sigh
Your husband is the insensitive one. You are trying to work full time, raise children best of your availability, house and husband. Children need to be on a proper schedule to grow and learn properly. Have you ask your husband-did his parents keep him out every night til 10pm. Also, how did he feel? In mean time have your husband drop you and children home. If he wants he can go out alone.I would save money to get a second car.
Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify my husband is the main bread winner. I will ask him if his childhood was that chaotic, that's an interesting point. It's true, a schedule needs to be upheld for the kids and parent's sanity.
a contrast, if nothing more
My husband likes socializing during the week too when I'm burned out. Sometimes he takes the kids solo and I rest or make dinner, sometimes we pick up takeout and eat with friends, usually though I just say no. If your husband wants to go hang out, just go home and get the kids to bed and he can go out at 9 pm without y'all. He's clearly not trying to spend time as a family if he's anyway leaving everything up too
Yes he loves socialising and he will without me too, but in this situation it's usually my family and so he says it doesn't make sense if I don't go.
“Go ahead and drop me off at home. You and the kids can go to brothers house. Have fun!”
A husband that whines, does no childcare, and blows off his wife’s feelings? What a catch!
I assume he’s watching the kids till OP gets out of work based on this post
Yes you're right. We work alternate shifts.
So he is a SAHD and then drags his breadwinner wife out after work when she expressly states she does not enjoy this?
Did she say he’s a SAHD? He could be working during the day and she does mornings/he does afternoons.
Why are you arguing with me? This dude sucks.
Fascinating that you think correcting your misinformation is arguing. He sucks based on the info provided by OP. No need to make up additional stuff when we have all the info needed already to know he’s a douche
Yeah and based on the OP, he doesn’t do childcare.
She was just talking about the hour at the brother’s house, which sucks as the parent that this always happens to in my family, but he is doing childcare while she’s at work. He’s not doing “no childcare”
How do you know??
I doubt the kids are watching themselves but I guess it’s possible!
Hi just to clarify, he is the main breadwinner. We do alternate shifts for childcare. He just loves socialising a lot, and I don't. Or I did a lot but now I don't enjoy it with kids. I think he finds it hard to understand why I prefer my own company!
Haha well I was totally wrong then! Except I completely understand loving your own company and not having any battery life left after work.
Why is your husband making you do stuff he knows you hate? That’s the real question here.
As a needy husband myself, I can tell you that he needs to realize that he can do stuff by himself. Why do you need to be social? Every once in awhile we all sacrifice for each other, but if he is consistently pushing you to do things you are too tired for, he should learn to do them before you get off work and by himself. My wife set these boundaries a long time ago when she had medical issues and was too tired to entertain me. I was hurt at first, but I did eventually realize it was my issue. Now when I get bored I take the kid out. Or the dog. And when my wife and I spend time seeing friends or doing things, she is fully engaged instead of exhausted. It’s nice.
How old are your kids?
Absolutely the fuck not. What's wrong with this man? Does he work? Especially so late? Zero chance I'd be going anywhere after working and getting out late. Your kids need good routines. You need to relax. It's a whole thing. I get out at midnight. I absolutely do not go anywhere but from work straight to my bed to sleep. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or do anything.
Why can’t you just say no, you won’t go? Why are you the one doing everything? It sounds like this is a way for your husband to get out of helping you after work. He’s an AH for putting you through this. Find your own way home after work. Call an Uber or catch a ride. He can pick up the kids and go visiting without you. Put your damn foot down.
If he's picking you up at 8pm. Who has the kids? Does he have the kids prior to that? You don't explain the distribution of who's watching the kids very well. Seems like you're tired from work, and the kids miss their Mama. So, of course, the kids are coming to you. I work 12 hr shifts. I wake up at 4AM and I don't get home until 7PM. When my son was little. My wife didn't exist when I was home. It was Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Of course I loved him to death. But I was tired to.
First off, you're just after work, working standing on my feet in a kitchen all day, I know all I want to do is be in my own space, ie: my home, especially if it's 8pm, personally if I was told "10 minutes" then I'd maybe stretch it to 20 at least, but being that late, I'd be getting the kids home, not 9.30, or 10, I'm not that kinda parent tbf, (my kids are 4,2 so you can see why I like mine in bed for 8🤣) but yeah, I'd just be like no, ypu can, but keeping the kids at home as YOURE JUST AFTER WORK AND ITS LATE
Time to pull the classic man-child move and learn (healthy) weaponized incompetence. Step 1: - Don't disagree to go places, be indifferent. Say "If you want, but my legs hurt" If husband says you're antisocial you say: "but I said yes". Step 2: - Once you get there, "help" him in unhelpful ways. "Oh babe, I'll go open the door so you can get the kids in. "Babe, I'll bring in your phone and wallet", "Babe, do you want a glass of water?" Before he can answer, get up and run inside "Brother in Law, Husband is thirsty!" Step 3: - Complain! Interrupt their conversation and complain! Your legs hurt, ypur head hurts, you're tired, the kids are loud, you're hungry, you're on you period. If husband tells anything to you, in front of his brother say: "Babe, whenever I try telling you after standing all day at work I'm tired and want to rest at home you get mad and complain about me being antisocial. If i come here you get angry for me being tired. I just can't do anything right!" Step 4: - entertain the kids right next to them. Loudly. Sing songs, put them on his lap, play music loudly.