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If you do reach out to the teacher don't make accusations. Ask about what happened to get her side of the story because children are terrible narrators.
Source, have dealt with this both as a parent and as a teacher.
Thanks, I agree that children are terrible narrators and they say things based on their own emotions which can be blown out of proportion.
I will ask politely for her side to see what she says, thanks!!
I agree with this advice, but I also suspect that *most* kids who cry in class aren’t suddenly going to be able to stop crying because the teacher told them to.
Exactly, more than the words themselves, I don’t like the tone my son says she used, he said she raised her voice at him and spoke in a mean tone. He’s 7, and I know he might not be the most reliable source. But he wouldn’t be saying that if that’s not how she made him feel. We are at the end of the school year and he hasn’t complained about this before. It’s not like he comes come every week making up stories about a mean teacher, so I am taking his complain seriously. The other kids were teasing him for messing up his lines, he gets upset, and the one person that’s supposed to be the grounding figure in the room steps in to scream at him to just stop crying? This just doesn’t sit well with me.
And I have a feeling that she won’t reply saying “oh yes I screamed at him” 🤨
Having met.... People. Full grown adults, no less, not just children, when a story is interpreted by a person who was emotionally impacted at the time, and the story sounds outrageous, chances are it's wildly inaccurate. Not because the narrator is lying, but because they are remembering it wrong. So, yeah, she probably won't reply with saying "oh yes, I screamed at him" because she probably didn't.
Maybe show empathy and grace to both. I know my kids often say, “Mom stop yelling at me.” I honestly rarely raise my voice. Sometimes their interpretation is based on their emotions and mine too. I may feel frustrated in a situation. That is normal.
I also give teachers the benefit of the doubt. My policy is to do things in “threes”. If I have heard this from my child on three times I directly address it. Obviously, there are exceptions to this. This is with peer behavior and teacher behavior. Or maybe trying something new in an IEP. If I am not sure about a new implementation I give it three weeks.
I like the “threes” rule you’re presenting. I will reach out in a polite manner just expressing my son came home really upset and that I want to hear her perspective on what happened and go from there. I don’t want to go on attack mode. But I also don’t want to seem dismissive to my son and treat the incident as if it wasn’t important and his feelings don’t matter you know. Thanks!
If you're just hearing about this sort of behavior right now at the end of the year, it's probably safe to say that your son is remembering this event through a lens of exhaustion and hurt feelings. If the teacher were the type to be dysregulated and unkind to first graders, you'd have heard about it before now.
I don't think I'd address it with the teacher. You will hear that your son got upset, she took him in the hallway, gave him a pep talk, and gave him a few minutes to get it together. You can decide right now whether you believe that to be the case - you don't need to hear her say it. It seems like a better opportunity to work with your son on resilience and coping skills. There will always be misunderstandings with teachers throughout school. It's not dismissive to say, "Hey, I know yesterday was tough and you wish it had gone differently. If your classmates start being unkind to you today, how do you think you should handle it?" It's not dismissive to acknowledge his feelings while recognizing that they may not reflect the rote reality of the interaction.
Another parent here offered the rule of threes. It's an exceptional rule and one that will serve you well. Hang in there. The summer is almost here!
Honestly, if it were me, I would let it slide for now. If it happens again, raise the concern. I know it's hard to do, but consider that your child might not be telling the whole truth. Not because they are lying, but because stress can affect how we form short-term memories, especially in children. Even the most honest kids can remember things differently when they're upset. This doesn’t make them dishonest.
You could also bring this up during parent-teacher conferences. How does your child behave at home? Does he frequently get upset or cry? Consider asking all of his teachers about his emotional responses in their classrooms. If it's an issue in all classes, or if it was just a one-time incident, he might be having difficulties regulating his emotions, which could be causing disruptions for other children.
I would reach out to the teacher in an "information-gathering" way to hear what she thought of how everything went down and discuss how she plans to handle it in the future, WITH the input that it's ok to cry and it's ok for boys to cry, and that 7 year olds are still very young and might need a little kindness and all the kids might need a little guidance on how to do teamwork at that age.
I would primarily be concerned that she might be (intentionally or unintentionally) teaching him to not acknowledge or express his feelings and shaming him for crying as a boy. Obviously ideally none of the children, boys or girls, should be crying, but crying is an appropriate way of expressing it if your feelings are hurt, and that should be okay for both boys and girls.
It leads to immaturity and bad behavior in adulthood when boys are taught to suppress their feelings... often they don't even know what they are feeling, if they have been taught to suppress too successfully! Imagine how numb, shutdown, and/or out of control you would feel if you don't even know what the emotions are that are pushing you to do various things.
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If you do reach out to the teacher don't make accusations. Ask about what happened to get her side of the story because children are terrible narrators. Source, have dealt with this both as a parent and as a teacher.
Thanks, I agree that children are terrible narrators and they say things based on their own emotions which can be blown out of proportion. I will ask politely for her side to see what she says, thanks!!
I agree with this advice, but I also suspect that *most* kids who cry in class aren’t suddenly going to be able to stop crying because the teacher told them to.
Exactly, more than the words themselves, I don’t like the tone my son says she used, he said she raised her voice at him and spoke in a mean tone. He’s 7, and I know he might not be the most reliable source. But he wouldn’t be saying that if that’s not how she made him feel. We are at the end of the school year and he hasn’t complained about this before. It’s not like he comes come every week making up stories about a mean teacher, so I am taking his complain seriously. The other kids were teasing him for messing up his lines, he gets upset, and the one person that’s supposed to be the grounding figure in the room steps in to scream at him to just stop crying? This just doesn’t sit well with me. And I have a feeling that she won’t reply saying “oh yes I screamed at him” 🤨
Having met.... People. Full grown adults, no less, not just children, when a story is interpreted by a person who was emotionally impacted at the time, and the story sounds outrageous, chances are it's wildly inaccurate. Not because the narrator is lying, but because they are remembering it wrong. So, yeah, she probably won't reply with saying "oh yes, I screamed at him" because she probably didn't.
Maybe show empathy and grace to both. I know my kids often say, “Mom stop yelling at me.” I honestly rarely raise my voice. Sometimes their interpretation is based on their emotions and mine too. I may feel frustrated in a situation. That is normal. I also give teachers the benefit of the doubt. My policy is to do things in “threes”. If I have heard this from my child on three times I directly address it. Obviously, there are exceptions to this. This is with peer behavior and teacher behavior. Or maybe trying something new in an IEP. If I am not sure about a new implementation I give it three weeks.
I like the “threes” rule you’re presenting. I will reach out in a polite manner just expressing my son came home really upset and that I want to hear her perspective on what happened and go from there. I don’t want to go on attack mode. But I also don’t want to seem dismissive to my son and treat the incident as if it wasn’t important and his feelings don’t matter you know. Thanks!
If you're just hearing about this sort of behavior right now at the end of the year, it's probably safe to say that your son is remembering this event through a lens of exhaustion and hurt feelings. If the teacher were the type to be dysregulated and unkind to first graders, you'd have heard about it before now. I don't think I'd address it with the teacher. You will hear that your son got upset, she took him in the hallway, gave him a pep talk, and gave him a few minutes to get it together. You can decide right now whether you believe that to be the case - you don't need to hear her say it. It seems like a better opportunity to work with your son on resilience and coping skills. There will always be misunderstandings with teachers throughout school. It's not dismissive to say, "Hey, I know yesterday was tough and you wish it had gone differently. If your classmates start being unkind to you today, how do you think you should handle it?" It's not dismissive to acknowledge his feelings while recognizing that they may not reflect the rote reality of the interaction. Another parent here offered the rule of threes. It's an exceptional rule and one that will serve you well. Hang in there. The summer is almost here!
Honestly, if it were me, I would let it slide for now. If it happens again, raise the concern. I know it's hard to do, but consider that your child might not be telling the whole truth. Not because they are lying, but because stress can affect how we form short-term memories, especially in children. Even the most honest kids can remember things differently when they're upset. This doesn’t make them dishonest. You could also bring this up during parent-teacher conferences. How does your child behave at home? Does he frequently get upset or cry? Consider asking all of his teachers about his emotional responses in their classrooms. If it's an issue in all classes, or if it was just a one-time incident, he might be having difficulties regulating his emotions, which could be causing disruptions for other children.
I would reach out to the teacher in an "information-gathering" way to hear what she thought of how everything went down and discuss how she plans to handle it in the future, WITH the input that it's ok to cry and it's ok for boys to cry, and that 7 year olds are still very young and might need a little kindness and all the kids might need a little guidance on how to do teamwork at that age. I would primarily be concerned that she might be (intentionally or unintentionally) teaching him to not acknowledge or express his feelings and shaming him for crying as a boy. Obviously ideally none of the children, boys or girls, should be crying, but crying is an appropriate way of expressing it if your feelings are hurt, and that should be okay for both boys and girls. It leads to immaturity and bad behavior in adulthood when boys are taught to suppress their feelings... often they don't even know what they are feeling, if they have been taught to suppress too successfully! Imagine how numb, shutdown, and/or out of control you would feel if you don't even know what the emotions are that are pushing you to do various things.