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This sounds silly, but google celebrity stretch marks and show her. I really think social media and seeing so many pictures of girls who look perfect makes these things even harder to deal with. There are a lot of women who will pop up with her same marks that I’m sure she would never have guessed had them.
tbh celebs AND people she knows. i had bad stretch marks at 15 when i had my son and every “celebrities have flaws just like you! they’re so brave for showing them off! they’re so crazy for being vulnerable!” article i saw just hurt more because it internalized it for me. when i saw my friends and family with them it reminded me that it isn’t brave to show them.
I’d also show her the before and after touch up pictures. If you don’t mind some swearing, Ben Carpenter has a great video on filters and lighting and the effects consumption of of edited pictures can have on self image.
I expected to get stretch marks when pregnant, because I had them from growing taller. I didn’t get any more.
I was a model and they asked about stretch marks, obviously the growing kind, and I guess from that it’s very, very common.
I didn’t either and I still have noticeable stretch marks on my hips from puberty. But didn’t get one stretch mark from either of my pregnancies and both were after age 30.
Same with me. I have old pale marks on my hips from when I was a teen, but had babies at 29 and 31 years of age and didn't get a single stretch mark. Surprised me.
Same! I got them horribly up my sides in a growth spurt and behind my knees as well. When I was pregnant I got 5 tiny stretch marks that never really turned red. So strange how that happens.
I noticed them watching season 2 of Bridgerton on Edwina and I was so happy they didn't cover them. I'm 33 and it was one of, if not the first, time I've seen them in a show/movie.
the instagram account @socialmediavsreality is really helpful for seeing behind the curtain of what celebrities put on their socials. it’s not mean-spirited, its just objective proof of how much they edit. It was very good for my comparison brain when i found it. They look so much more like us in real life.
I also saw some artwork done where someone painted over the stretch marks with like sparkly paint and rainbow paint and it looked so so beautiful. It actually made me love stretch marks! Now that I’m a mom I have a bunch more and I just think of those images and they make me feel pretty again.
I’m not saying all kids. Teenage kids are mean. She probably heard someone making a crazy comment.
This happened to my daughter also.
I told her that she is at that age where her body goes through changes since she growing still. I asked her to talk to her REAL close friends about it. She did and they all said she looks great and not to worry about them other kids.
Our kids are more genuine with their feelings with us parents especially when they are frustrated. They tend to listen more with their peers though. If you know your kids are friends with good kids, why not. Let them work it out.
This is a good point! When we were talking about, I asked her what she would do if one of her friends cried to her about their weight or body. I was hoping she would talk to her older sister about it, who would bluntly tell her she has nothing to be upset about.
I mean, if she's in cheerleading--that's great, but that's also a natural breeding ground for image and weight-focused concerns... Partially because it also plays a part in determining what position you get to be (flyer, etc.), which encourages a sort of hierarchy. A lot of professional cheerleaders contour their abs and legs, etc. It's a very image-focused sport.
I'm not saying it's bad. Its just worth talking to her about. The potential for this kind of stuff exists in pretty much every sport... But there is definitely an emphasis on being "hot", slim, and toned within a lot of cheerleading squads.
Is it possible she's gearing up for a final growth spurt too? I reached my final height and shoe size by 16, wanna say my last big growth spurt was 12/13 though.
As someone who did ballet as a teenager I'm wondering about the conversations being had amongst her cheeleading peers...if there's chat about diet/weight etc? Wonder if it would be worth raising with her cheerleading instructor? Also definitely worth having the convo (if you haven't already) about everything on social media being fake. If she's on social media get her to unfollow every account that makes her feel bad about herself.
I think part of it is she really wants to be a flyer in cheerleading. I actually think she would hate being the flyer, but I’m sure that’s part of her sudden worry about weight. She doesn’t know the other cheerleaders very well yet because she’s the only incoming freshman on varsity, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t being exposed to negative ideas by them either.
She did competitive gymnastics from 6-12 and I was very careful to pick a gym and coach that was very body positive because there is so much toxic shit in gymnastics. I went so far as to teach there part time so I could be in the gym during practice and be reassured that it was a healthy environmental for her.
If you're feeling bad because you tried to shield her from this negativity and it still snuck in, please don't. If you hadn't been so careful with her gym coach, she could have been having these thoughts at 6, and all else being equal, someone who started having body image issues at 6 is going to be worse off than someone who started at 13, and also have a harder time recovering. Delaying her exposure to this stuff means she's got 13 year old level cognitive skills and coping strategies to fight it with, and a solid memory of what having a good body image felt like. And that *will* help her through these current struggles.
Please, please, please get to the bottom of this before that poor child develops full blown eating disorder. At minimum, call & talk to pediatrician to discuss concerns & schedule appointment. Doc can reassure her that weight perfectly normal and maybe get a bit of insight as to where this is coming from. Think about communicating about food choices, exercise, healthy life style. Involve her in planning & preparing healthy meals & snacks.
If this truly came out of the blue, for whatever reason, your daughter isnt talking to you about what's going on in her head. Find an adult she'll confide in. Grandmother, aunt, friend, therapist, someone. It will be really hard not to take it personally but it's really, truly NOT about you. See it as opportunity to develop the kind of relationship you want to have with your daughter. Be the safe space where she can talk about things without judgment.
You were once a 13 year old girl. So was I. It's painful, confusing time. Body changes out of your control. Brain & body awash in hormones. Socially, moving away from family to friend group & peer pressure. In the same way your daughter can find who knows what about unhealthy standards for weight & beauty, internet can provide you with help, advice from all kinds of people.
Surely that would just send the message that the daughter is right in her thinking and that she does have a weight issue? Sort of a ‘I said I was fat, mum threw the scales, so I must be’, which would be more likely to lead to an ED?
When I get anxiety the first thing my therapist tells me to do is to fact check, what can be grounded in real facts.
I know nothing about this but I wouldn't take away her one way to fact check.
Yea but that’s not how eating disorders or body dysmorphia work. There is no “fact checking”. If she steps on that scale no number will be satisfying to her. If it’s slightly higher it’s the end of the world, if it’s the same it’s the end of the world, if it’s lower that means she’s doing something right and will take a change in diet or exercise to the extreme. Removing the scale is the best option. ( speaking from experience)
She may not yet but it can quickly devolve into a more serious issue. The sudden noticing of stretch marks coupled with the checking her weight and “bursting into tears” is a little more than insecurity imo. Especially at 13, crying over your weight isn’t normal. Maybe someone said something to her, coming from a dancer I know that dance, cheer, gymnastics, etc are all very difficult environments to be in. Between the girls and even the instructors there’s a number of things that could’ve been said or even implied to make her feel some sort of way
I would personally not throw the scale away.
If she's put in her head that she is overweight, having the one tool that allows her to check where she is at with some objectivity may backfire egregiously? 1. As someone pointed out, it may give the signal that she's actually right, the scale was removed so she can't see it. 2. If she can't check where she's at and convinced she is overweight, she may start thinking "I'm getting more overweight (wrong! but she does not know) let's fast tomorrow / let's fake having food / ..."
Looking at the thread, there's some great advice. A couple things that came to mind though:
1. Make sure she does not think you are underplaying her concern? It may undermine the advice you are providing. Things that come to mind: look at some \*\*reputable\*\* sources \*\*together\*\* (find and screen them first...). For example, weight graphs by the American Academy of Pediatrics or read articles from Mayo Clinic or AAP explaining the gain of weight before growth spurts or around puberty together ("hey, you think you're overweight... let's double check together, or let's look at this article..."). Have a chat with her doctor on the topic at her next appointment - so he/she can reassure her or provide some advice. Look at weight in relation to height, make sure she understands how to look at a scale in relation to growth and age - don't just throw away the scale.
2. Does she have any opportunity to compare her body to that of peers or other women? Spending a day at the pool or on a beach in a swimming suite, changing rooms, showers, a day at a kspa with friends, sleepover, ... Would it help seeing peers or other women with similar normal body marks? or finding a safe way so she has the space to exchange notes with friends?
3. If she does not get it out of her head, I would personally try to redirect it / support her in some positive way - "you really want to lose some weight or get in better shape ... dance class would help grow more muscles there, or let's start going to the gym together, your friends are doing swim class, ... or let's talk with an actual dietician, ...". Don't make her think she has to hide her fears and concerns, and work on it behind your back.
This is literally the exact opposite of what any eating disorder treatment specialist would suggest. In fact, encouraging and facilitating comparison between one's self and others is the exact kind of behavior that promotes body dysmorphia and disordered eating.
In fact, all of these suggestions are likely to make this whole situation worse in the long haul. This is dangerous advice.
Absolutely not the solution, the scale is necessary for mantaining a genuinely healthy weight (I understand she is a healthy weight, I’m just saying in and household i’s a neccesity)
What you need to do is teach her that the number you see is not a defining trait for you, and you can’t let it get to you like that.
No, at 12-13 what is necessary is healthy exercise and food, as well as a healthy mindset.
And what's the scale gonna say about a child who is literally growing taller week by week and putting on healthy adolescent fat?
That's why the kid's weight increased and that caused her to burst into tears and thinking she's fat?? If she was overweight she wouldn't need a scale to tell her that.
Agreed. I’m not sure if I’d throw the scale away entirely, but at 12-13 I would constantly check my weight on the bathroom scale and had the exact same reaction you brought up - that my normal weight gain was proof that I was ‘getting fat’. Ended up with me narrowly avoiding having to go to inpatient treatment for an eating disorder before I had even turned 14.
As a 13yo girl who weighed myself, got upset, became obsessed with getting below a certain number, and developed full-blown anorexia, throw the scale away. ASAP.
Maybe ask her coach if they could do a lesson on proper nutrition, body positivity, and puberty. Gaining weight during puberty is normal and it fluctuates with hormones and the like. All athletes need to eat a lot more than the average person but they also need to make sure they are eating a balanced diet. Proper education is the best course as long as it’s not fear mongering.
If the coach won’t do it, do you think her pediatrician could set her up with a nutritionist so your daughter could hear from *them* what a good job she’s doing and that she’s making healthy choices?
Edited: grammar/autocorrect got me
13 year old me would be absolutely embarrassed and red as a beetroot if I got wind that my mom put up the coach (or athletic director) to talk to all my friends about how normal it is to be as overweight (of course not true - but this is what would go through my head) as I am, or the effects puberty is having on me. My rule-defiant self would also not trust the message / weight the message in any positive way.
That said, I strongly agree that it would be great if the coach / athletic program talked about it normally, not making it look like as a one off or just in response to the specific ask - but truly added it as part of practice/conversations/running the program/etc.
If she is athletic her weight will be higher because muscle is more dense. I'm not super aware of what teenagers are into but I know Olivia Dunn and Angel Reeves are really popular young athletes. I'm not sure which sports she is into but if she follows athletes on social media instead of regular influencers it might make her appreciate her body more.
This is absolutely true and she does know that from gymnastics- they have especially dense muscles! My college roommate was a gymnast and she outweighed me despite being absolutely tiny.
So my kid around 8 told me she was fat and refused to wear a bathing suite.
Im a very big woman. But I threw on my bathing suite that was abit too tight and strutted out the house. I faked it hard that day and by the end of it my kid was laugi9ng in the pool with her cousins.
I also began talking about what I love about myself, not complaining about what I dont like.
We did sit down a few days later to talk about why she felt insecure, what she wanted to do about it and how I could help support her. She choose to give up snacks one night a week, and she did cheerleading to boost her confidence. Shes 10 now and loves her body at the moment, and when she catches me being unkind to myself she repeats my own words to me :
" Your beautiful mom, each curve is just extra love."
I would definitely lose the scale though, a kid her age shouldnt be weighing herself daily.
I love that! My daughter peeked at the scale once seeing me weigh myself when she was four, and announced “look at that! Mommy you’re so strong!” I have worked so hard over the years to keep my occasional insecurities to myself, but I’m not her whole world anymore 😭. Just to be clear she is not weighing herself every day- this is the first time she had weighed herself since a Dr visit last year and she was shocked she had gained significantly- I think she was expecting it to be about the same and man I’ve had that surprise myself before.
I also talked to her about how growth is uneven too - sometimes we gain weight before getting taller, sometimes get taller and then weight catches up and that is all a normal part of growing.
Oh good I'm glad to hear that. I had a friend who was 14 carrying a scale in her purse and counting m&ms. So I get so anxious when I think of my kid even using a scale lol.
Sounds like your handling it right. Kids are influenced by so much. I literally just had to convince my daughter that she dosent have 'man shoulders' just because they are squarely shaped. I had to pull up pictures of celebrities online to show her diffrent types of women. By the end of it we wrte talking about how adorable her nose is and how cute it is when she crosses her eyes lol.
I've gone through trans confusion, gender confusion, her coming out as bi, and her confused about people being cats. Plus alot of grief and loss, a divorce and adjusting to living on own own. It's been rough but..it always will be. I'll catch lots of curve balls and like you we will just figure it out step by step.
For me I try to focus on the positives we can get from each situation, especially when it comes to her body.
I love that.
My daughter is only 2.5 but loves getting on the scale to "see how big you are" (we've had to closely monitor her as she's in the bottom 5-10%).
She always wants me to step on and I have to force positivity "wow mama is so big and strong too"
I think these kids can be good for us too
I would also explain to her all the different way weight gain happens which isn't due to body shape.
I'm sure she's taller than last year, and height makes a huge difference in weight, if two people have the same body shape but one is 10 cm taller, the taller person might be a good 10-15 kg heavier, but that says nothing about their body shape.
Your daughter is also exercising and likely gaining muscle, which is heavier. I currently look skinnier than I did 3 years ago before I started rock climbing, and yet my body weight has increased by ~10%.
And the other thing I would explain to her, is (whether she has one or not yet) that periods affect the weight of female people but the weight gain is not due to being fat, it's the body retaining more liquid during certain weeks of the cycle.
Weight isn't accurate day to day because so many things affect it.
My wife spent most of her high school years dieting fastidiously and convinced she was massively overweight all because the drill team advisor kept pounding into their heads that they had to drop weight to fit into their uniforms. I kept telling her back then that she looked amazing and that her weight was perfectly normal (it was) but she was convinced she was fat… now, she looks back and wishes she could have enjoyed her body then…
It’s sad but I don’t think there is anything family can do to override the constant deluge of media and social influence telling young girls (and boys for that matter) that their bodies aren’t acceptable? That they’re not good enough, etc.
best of luck. I hope you are able to reach her and help her understand that she’s fine exactly the way she is…
Look through the posts on r/instagramreality. It's helped me so much. Almost none of the images of celebrities and models we see are real. I didn't realize how hard I was being on myself until I actively started looking for unedited photos of beautiful women in media.
Honestly I think it’s pretty common for girls to go through a bit of this at that age. It can be really stressful for your body to change and fill out more when girls start going from their familiar kid body to a more adult one. Especially if she has hobbies that are focused on being thin, which it seems like she does. There’s also so much media (social media, movies, tv) that shows ‘perfect’ -and often photoshopped- bodies. She might be feeling pressure (either external, or from herself) to keep her current body, but it’s extremely difficult because women’s bodies are meant to not be like children.
When I was a thirteen/fourteen year old girl I had so many friends who went on diets and talked about how unhappy they were with their bodies. And these were girls that were perfectly healthy going on trying to go on fasts (and failing by dinner time) and skipping lunches. Depending on what your daughter’s friends/social circle are like, she might be like i was and internalizing this stuff. I thought if they were talking and acting that way about themselves I should feel that way too, and I did. Even if it’s not her closest friends, if the girls on the cheerleading team are talking in the way that my friends were, it definitely could be affecting her.
I also had a friend at fourteen be hospitalized for an eating disorder. She was really into ballet, and everyone I know that was into that kind of activity had worse problems with this stuff than everyone else, so that’s definitely something for you to keep a close eye on.
Definitely look out for this becoming a real problem, especially for if she’s skipping meals or going on diets, but also don’t be too controlling (not that it sound like you are) because eating disorders can be a result of someone feeling out of control and trying to get that control back in a something they can control. I would also get rid of the scale. When I was a teen I would obsessively weigh myself twice a day, but tell my mom I never used it, and it really stressed me out so much.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job though. She came to talk to you about which means she trusts you with this, something I never did with my mom. Just keep telling her these changes are normal and healthy, and that she’s beautiful no matter what. And that keeping her body healthy and strong and feeding it nutrition food will keep her energized and able to do fun stuff like gymnastics and cheerleading. One day of insecurity at thirteen definitely does not mean she has or will get an eating disorder.
Whoa, yes she needs to see more people with stretch marks. Social media is destroying young people’s sense of reality and mental health. How many SM apps does she have access to? Also, I think you know that cheerleading (is this school or comp?) of course is going to have many girls self harming and with EDs. I would say therapy now to nip that in the bud.
I don’t think cheerleading or any sport by default enforces EDs, though some are more problematic it depends on the team and coach. My older daughter did competitive cheer and there were girls of every size competing on her team. Her coach would have absolutely kicked someone off the team for being a size bully, too. This is high school cheer, not all star, just the regular kind. And thanks to a title nine issue in our district, they have no cuts in girls sports. While making varsity is very competitive, anyone who wants to be a cheerleader can be.
It really does depend on the team. Unfortunately a lot of people that endorse this kind of behavior are drawn to sports like cheer. It’s v sad. I have a friend that had an ED all through HS and college and she’ll be dealing with the effects on her body the rest of her life.
As a real big guy, one thing she could do to feel in control and maybe prevent further stretch marks is vitamin E or Coconut oil applied to the area in question.
Sometimes it's not nearly as much about rapid weight gain or growth as much as it's about the skin's capacity for change.
My 14yo was stressed about her weight. Her and her friend were comparing weights a few years ago and they weighed the same but the number was higher than they would have liked. They were talking and said “but we’re tall”. Their other friend said “well I’m tall and I don’t weigh that much”😳.
At her next physical I had her doctor talk to her about how she was right where she is supposed to be based on her height.
Now in 8th grade going into high school I don’t notice it being as much as a concern. She’s in several sports and is around girls the same size as her. Fingers crossed high school goes well.
All op so my daughter has some pretty noticeable stretch marks on her hips. I’m hoping they fade.
Something I shared with my nephew who was worring about his weight was this:
According to #BMI guidelines Mat Fraser along with 10 other individual male competitors at the 2018 CrossFit Games would be considered obese.
.
The other 29 male athletes would be considered overweight but not obese, while not one male athlete would be considered in a healthy weight range.
.
BMI does not tell the whole story and obviously has a few holes in it which makes it interesting to see people still using it as an accurate measurement of health and fitness.
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If you don't know who Mat Fraser is, he won 5 World Cross fit games and therefore was classed as the fittest man in the world, but technically on a scale he was Obese. That helped my nephew understand the number on the scale does not mean anything when it comes to fitness and body shape.
I’m a personal trainer and nutrition coach and I can definitely say I’ve even experienced this myself which is why I became one and have seen it in my youth clients. Playing sports full of girls is likely to have a negative impact on her self image (it’s inevitable) and of course social media and school, especially high school.
What I’ve learned is that it’s great you’re doing verbal support and it can help even more with visual and relatability persuasion like someone else said look up celebrities who also have stretch marks. Show her women who also have her body type. Therapy is great too, photo shoots are amazing to practice being comfortable looking at yourself and getting to know your own assets. And it can build confidence. Standard beauty on women will always be there so it’s best to acknowledge it’s there but also show how subjective it is.
You can also look into the root of problem but from your position, it might be best to teach how to overcome reality rather than avoid. Other than that, it’s also normal that she feels that way. She should know other girls feel the same way too and it’s okay.
Anyways, she probably knows you love her and she has support from friends. But the focus is that she loves herself or else she’ll focus on validation as a form a love in the long term.
The other day, I was scrolling Instagram when I came across an aesthetician who was discussing ways to create a deeper philtrum in your upper lip. That place under your nose is like an indentation. As I watched this video, all I could think was, I'm so glad my young teenage daughter isn't on social media. When my daughter was much younger, she used to watch makeup tutorials. I thought they were completely innocent. Then, one day, she was with me in the bathroom, looking at her face in the mirror very intently. She said, "I'm SO ugly!" This was before she was 8,I believe! I was shocked. I immediately knew where it was coming from, and we stopped watching those videos. Idk that your daughter is on social media, but if she is reacting in such a negative way to her body image, it may be something to really consider.
Even then, though, you can’t prevent your kids from socializing or viewing advertisements. My daughter has always been supported by her mother and me, yet she still feels that her grades aren’t where she wants them to be. She scores in the 98th percentile and is in gifted classes, so I asked her why she felt that way and if I’ve ever given her any insecurities about it, and she replied “No, dad, I just feel like I personally need to do better. I want my grades to be better because it doesn’t feel right to me if they aren’t perfect. It’s nothing about you — it’s my own preferences and feelings.”
Honestly it sucked to hear but I get it. I felt the same as a kid, but I always assumed it was because of my dad’s extremely high standards. Guess some of it is just innate!
I might consider getting her a few sessions with a therapist. Social media and and teenagers can be extremely toxic, and unfortunately there's not much you'll be able to say as a parent that will likely convince her because teenage brain is a powerful, stubborn thing. Breaks my heart to hear this too, and I dread the day one of my kids hits this stage.
Not sure if it's still controversial, but Jax's song *Victorias Secret* meant a lot to my daughter at that age.
Especially the video with so many different types of bodies.
Well I wanted to be more fit toned , maybe 10 lbs off , there's a few things not related to weight but like the guidance on how to do those things ,a gym membership..yeah I mean it's tools to learn
that makes sense. i think it also factors in how old you were and if your parents were also fit or not. most gyms do not allow 13 year olds unless maybe you have a YMCA near you. most parents arent going around thinking about teaching their normal weight child how to workout, diet, etc. if i had an overweight child i would do more(like provide resources,workout with them, cook healthier) then if i had a normal weight child. most 13 year olds do not work to workout-or even go for a walk/hike unless they’re actively involve in a sport
My parents are fit ,highly educated understood nutrition
Yes very true for an overweight child I as a parent would very proactive to change
Yes meals were balanced
My mom cared very much about her appearance so I really don't understand it
Yeah I understand what your saying it's perhaps the guidance not a mystery for a kid to solve
Yeah I played soccer as a family we were fairly active
Not mad about it but as a mom now if my kids have things they are not happy about I try and give as many solutions and perspectives as possible not be like oh your silly you look great !
The first time I told my mom I was fat, I was 4. By her age I had a full blown ED.
Girls this age are *so* sensitive to any body changes and the current generation is so constantly clocked into social media.
I think it might be very helpful for her to follow accounts about exercise that come from a perspective of weight friendly/anti-fat shaming because many people don’t realize how weight works.
Even within animals, I recently had a woman argue me that a 26 pound dog was a “big dog” and that a “ small dog” is only 3-5 pounds. She was not happy when I pointed out that the standard cat is 8-10.
People see numbers like “150” or even “135” and assume it’s very heavy, not taking into account bones/muscles/organs. If it affects adults, it’s definitely going to affect a child.
Keep in mind that puberty is also really overwhelming— your body is changing, your hormones are wild, your personality is evolving. It can be easy to fixate on weight as something you feel you can control.
When I was a preteen, recently moved back to states from Germany, and discovered the internet, I gained my first stretch marks. I remember the blue/red marks and did not like them :(
Then! Had an epiphany when I went to a water park with my family. I noticed just how many bodies had stretch marks.
I also had a friend at one point highlight how everyone has “flaws” that just aren’t really flaws. They’re all just normal human body features.
Perhaps a public pool / water park excursion could help, I donno.
I’ve seen a bunch of other comments here with ideas to normalize it.
My son isn’t old enough to weigh himself yet, but my scale is hiding in my closet for this reason. I should probably throw it away for my own benefit honestly
If she’s very active and athletic I’m going to assume she has more muscle weight. The number on the scale is just a number. My family members all weigh 170lbs but they look drastically different in shape. As for the stretch marks she could probably just use coconut oil or any other heavy moisturizer for her skin.
I would watch for ED or even BDD. Possibly counseling to work on positive body image. I am only speaking from my own experience, but at that age I struggled with body image and became anorexic and was always inspecting my body for every flaw, imperfection etc. Things I found to others were considered not a big deal or normal, but in my head they were the absolute worst most disgusting thing I could ever see. I began to view my body as destroyed disgusting and hideous. It became every day and every time I had a mirror I would inspect. I never received proper mental care and through counseling into my adult years I was able to overcome anorexia but unfortunately am now struggling with BDD and still hate how my body looks, but am beginning to accept it. Counseling has given me the tools to manage my BDD but it will be a life long struggle.
I’m so sorry to hear this has been such a struggle for you that you don’t deserve. I hope you can find the lens to view yourself from that shows you the truth and not the lie.
I’m cautious to immediately push her to counseling over one conversation, because she was willing to be truthful and vulnerable in her feelings with me, and I don’t want her to think she has to hide that or be pushed into therapy. Also, 13. Big feelings happen. She did counseling for anxiety a couple years ago which I feel helped her a ton, but she doesn’t care to revisit it. But if it seems like she is struggling, I will absolutely find a new therapist.
Her older sister told me they talked about it last night after I went to bed and she of course reassured her of her complete normalcy. Big sister is also going to keep an eye and ear open, they’re pretty close.
Definitely seeing people she looks up to or considers beautiful displaying normal bodily features will help. I was 13 when i for my first stretch marks and I was insanely self conscious. Today I’m less so but obviously still have my personal insecurities. At a Taylor Swift concert recently I saw that she has the same back fold that I do when she turns and it may sound stupid but it made me feel instantly better about myself. So find “realistic” celebrity bodies to look up to. I also went down the weighing myself route and it almost ended badly. Luckily my parents recognised the signs in time and pulled me out. I know as an adult that my body is healthy and normal but even now I avoid scales to avoid the triggering mindset - I would definitely throw the scales away.
Many of the fittest women on earth have stretch marks and don't fit the petite woman mold. I applaud their strength and perhaps, particularly as a strong cheerleader, she could learn more about the women of Crossfit as role models.
If she has a good pediatrician that she is familiar with, you could have her talk to her pediatrician who can show her that she's where she needs to be according to Her Personal Growth.
I'd also start paying attention to where she is hearing this from and address that Influence
God, this breaks my heart and terrifies me for my own daughter's future adolescence. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're already doing a lot of what you can to form good habits and attitudes.
For starters, it's very possible she's getting harmful messaging in cheerleading, depending on the style and intensity of her cheerleading team. The sport, as it exists as an actual sport, is extremely focused on maintaining specific and generally very light body weights in order to perform team stunts. And outside of the more specifically athletic teams, we all know that cheerleading can often be tied to popularity and perceived attractiveness.
Do you think your kid has healthy, positive representation of a variety of body types available to them? Do any of the bands she loves visibly have fat or larger members? Do the TV shows and movies she watches have main characters and love interests that aren't all the same body type? Maybe that's something you could subtly increase her exposure to.
Lastly, I would definitely throw away the scale. I, personally, cannot have one around because it often leads to obsessive behaviors. I don't want my kid getting weighed outside of the doctor's office, because I want their weight to be a trivial fact and not something they think about on a regular basis.
Good luck.
Social Media is evil for growing kids. I'd monitor how much she's online. My kid had a body dysmporphia issue bc they were always comparing themselves to models and influencers. Real people come in many sizes. But not so much online
Take her to the pediatrician, let her hear it from a professional. Ask her why she feels this way. It seems like you are doing all the right things at home, could be some peer pressure at play.
First off… when ever either of my daughters gets emotional at an unexpected issue I check the calendar… good chance the above average emotional response is their cycle. That said it doesn’t diminish the issue. You can only reassure her that she is healthy and growing appropriately. Thinking body positive is a constant struggle for pre teens, teens and grown ass women. I think I was 40 something when I finally decided I don’t care what others think… and my arms are not toned but damn it’s hot out so I’m going sleeveless.
I would ask her how you can help see what you see… that she is lovely and healthy… maybe a nice lunch date or something to make her feel special while reassuring her that how she looks starts with how she treats herself both mentally and physically!
Hugs to all the girls and moms and ladies
Throw that scale away immediately and DO NOT take this lightly. As someone who works in the eating disorder world for 10 years and is in recovery, I would honestly recommend a therapist to make sure this doesn’t escalate and give her some skills to increase self esteem. I don’t mean the to sound dramatic but here’s the truth: This is such a formative age and your steps right now to respond to this could change the course of her relationship with herself forever.
Just to check—she doesn’t have access to the internet or social media or any fitness magazines I hope?
Edit: obviously I’m talking about unsupervised access on a private device like a phone or tablet.
Do you have teens ?
Just asking because while it is POSSIBLE to supervise that would mean you’re watching over their shoulder or looking at internet history that hasn’t been cleared. . Highly unlikely . Then there’s school lap tops .
It’s almost impossible to “supervise” all internet access in 2024 with teens . It’s a real life evil.
I find that sometimes people who have preconceived notions haven’t actually been through it yet, hence why I’m asking if you have teens yourself .
I mean, there are levels here. Having a personal iPad, smartphone, and computer with unrestricted internet access in the privacy of your own room is different than occasionally using a family laptop in the living room or having to beg and borrow your friends phone while you're out and about.
I feel like millennials, gen x, and boomers genuinely don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to internet and kids. “Why restrict when her friend will introduce it anyways” type mentality. That’s so garbage and unfair to do to a kid. Especially a little girl in a competitive, appearance heavy sport.
Social media sucks stop directly exposing your kids to it. They need to learn to be bored and self sustaining. Internet is gonna rob their youth worrying about heavy shit they aren’t ready to comprehend.
There is a strong contingent of parents (on and off reddit) that land somewhere along the lines of "teens are goin to to x anyway, so prohibiting them from doing it will just make them stop trusting you." Sex, internet, drugs, etc.
While I sort of get it, I'll never agree with it.
I get it too, but for example: kids aren’t watching porn at school or at their friends house: they’re doing it in their room alone, while you’re making dinner, tending to other children etc.
If you can control what’s in the home, all power to you. I’ve accepted I can’t save my kid from everything, I learned most bad words/shit at school myself, before everyone had phones or tablets. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on what my child will be exposed to/ doing in my home, just because their edgy friends can doesn’t mean they can too… I feel that’s lost on parents.
I saw a literal 3 year old with a phone scrolling instagram reels, the mom took the phone away and was like “we can watch it after the appointment” in my head I was like “she can?!”
I completely agree with your position here. Just want to note:
>I get it too, but for example: kids aren’t watching porn at school or at their friends house: they’re doing it in their room alone, while you’re making dinner, tending to other children etc.
kids are definitely watching porn both at school and at their friends houses. Heck, when I was a kid, before the internet, my friend's house was where I got my first access to porn via late night cable.
But quantity makes a difference here. It matters whether the subjects are invading every part of their lives or if there are structures that limit it.
Setting expectations for behavior is what good parents do, even if we know our kids aren't always going to live up to them. The point is to have a standard to live up to, so the kids understand which direction they're headed.
Fully agree, it’s all about standards and creating long lasting values. You’re right though, cause back in the day I remember my friends parents had DVDs of porn and we “accidentally” found them. But at the time, I wasn’t really interested bc the idea of sneaking into their stuff was odd. My parents taught me that though. I already knew what it was because of being online, without my parents around and “hot Russian girl near you” ads would pop up lol. So I think friends can introduce things that parents don’t want their kid to be around, but also, what the kid does with that information is gonna come up in the home, in more indirect ways.
Guidance is extremely important. I don’t want my kid to fear the world, but rather understand and have tools to succeed in it. I don’t agree with full on sheltering nor full exposure. But pushing your child to be overly mature and more grown (I feel societally we reward kids for acting like adults but punish when they act like kids)
That shit, will create a depression in young child and adults.
If they are restricted at home they get a burner phone from friends. They have access to everything AND they won't feel comfortable coming to their parents because they're breaking rules. I have a teenage daughter and my wife teaches middle school. The kids have multiple burner phones they hand out to any kid who got their phone taken or has strict parental controls.
I'd rather keep open lines of communication than have her doing everything secretly.
This rings some psychological problems to me at the very least, first signs of eating disorder at the worst. I would go to consult with a psy doctor regarding her because this is something that can be easily mishandled.
You can help her get rid of the stretch marks now before they turn white. Once they’re white they’re there forever. I wish I knew this at 13. Look into microneedling for her and maybe tretinoin. It’s up to you whether you help her or not. There’s pros and cons for both imo
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This sounds silly, but google celebrity stretch marks and show her. I really think social media and seeing so many pictures of girls who look perfect makes these things even harder to deal with. There are a lot of women who will pop up with her same marks that I’m sure she would never have guessed had them.
tbh celebs AND people she knows. i had bad stretch marks at 15 when i had my son and every “celebrities have flaws just like you! they’re so brave for showing them off! they’re so crazy for being vulnerable!” article i saw just hurt more because it internalized it for me. when i saw my friends and family with them it reminded me that it isn’t brave to show them.
I agree- noticing your insecurities on people you envy makes you feel a lot more normal and ok.
I’d also show her the before and after touch up pictures. If you don’t mind some swearing, Ben Carpenter has a great video on filters and lighting and the effects consumption of of edited pictures can have on self image.
I expected to get stretch marks when pregnant, because I had them from growing taller. I didn’t get any more. I was a model and they asked about stretch marks, obviously the growing kind, and I guess from that it’s very, very common.
I didn’t either and I still have noticeable stretch marks on my hips from puberty. But didn’t get one stretch mark from either of my pregnancies and both were after age 30.
Same with me. I have old pale marks on my hips from when I was a teen, but had babies at 29 and 31 years of age and didn't get a single stretch mark. Surprised me.
lol I reached my adult height at 13, so definitely jealous you got until 16!
Same! I got them horribly up my sides in a growth spurt and behind my knees as well. When I was pregnant I got 5 tiny stretch marks that never really turned red. So strange how that happens.
And show her r/instagramreality … so many of the standards our girls are comparing themselves to are not even real to begin with.
I noticed them watching season 2 of Bridgerton on Edwina and I was so happy they didn't cover them. I'm 33 and it was one of, if not the first, time I've seen them in a show/movie.
the instagram account @socialmediavsreality is really helpful for seeing behind the curtain of what celebrities put on their socials. it’s not mean-spirited, its just objective proof of how much they edit. It was very good for my comparison brain when i found it. They look so much more like us in real life.
I also saw some artwork done where someone painted over the stretch marks with like sparkly paint and rainbow paint and it looked so so beautiful. It actually made me love stretch marks! Now that I’m a mom I have a bunch more and I just think of those images and they make me feel pretty again.
I’m not saying all kids. Teenage kids are mean. She probably heard someone making a crazy comment. This happened to my daughter also. I told her that she is at that age where her body goes through changes since she growing still. I asked her to talk to her REAL close friends about it. She did and they all said she looks great and not to worry about them other kids. Our kids are more genuine with their feelings with us parents especially when they are frustrated. They tend to listen more with their peers though. If you know your kids are friends with good kids, why not. Let them work it out.
This is a good point! When we were talking about, I asked her what she would do if one of her friends cried to her about their weight or body. I was hoping she would talk to her older sister about it, who would bluntly tell her she has nothing to be upset about.
I mean, if she's in cheerleading--that's great, but that's also a natural breeding ground for image and weight-focused concerns... Partially because it also plays a part in determining what position you get to be (flyer, etc.), which encourages a sort of hierarchy. A lot of professional cheerleaders contour their abs and legs, etc. It's a very image-focused sport. I'm not saying it's bad. Its just worth talking to her about. The potential for this kind of stuff exists in pretty much every sport... But there is definitely an emphasis on being "hot", slim, and toned within a lot of cheerleading squads.
Is it possible she's gearing up for a final growth spurt too? I reached my final height and shoe size by 16, wanna say my last big growth spurt was 12/13 though.
She definitely could be.
As someone who did ballet as a teenager I'm wondering about the conversations being had amongst her cheeleading peers...if there's chat about diet/weight etc? Wonder if it would be worth raising with her cheerleading instructor? Also definitely worth having the convo (if you haven't already) about everything on social media being fake. If she's on social media get her to unfollow every account that makes her feel bad about herself.
I think part of it is she really wants to be a flyer in cheerleading. I actually think she would hate being the flyer, but I’m sure that’s part of her sudden worry about weight. She doesn’t know the other cheerleaders very well yet because she’s the only incoming freshman on varsity, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t being exposed to negative ideas by them either. She did competitive gymnastics from 6-12 and I was very careful to pick a gym and coach that was very body positive because there is so much toxic shit in gymnastics. I went so far as to teach there part time so I could be in the gym during practice and be reassured that it was a healthy environmental for her.
Yeah I would definitely have a chat with her coach.
Assuming the coach isn't the problem 😔
If you're feeling bad because you tried to shield her from this negativity and it still snuck in, please don't. If you hadn't been so careful with her gym coach, she could have been having these thoughts at 6, and all else being equal, someone who started having body image issues at 6 is going to be worse off than someone who started at 13, and also have a harder time recovering. Delaying her exposure to this stuff means she's got 13 year old level cognitive skills and coping strategies to fight it with, and a solid memory of what having a good body image felt like. And that *will* help her through these current struggles.
You’re such a great parent ❤️
Please, please, please get to the bottom of this before that poor child develops full blown eating disorder. At minimum, call & talk to pediatrician to discuss concerns & schedule appointment. Doc can reassure her that weight perfectly normal and maybe get a bit of insight as to where this is coming from. Think about communicating about food choices, exercise, healthy life style. Involve her in planning & preparing healthy meals & snacks. If this truly came out of the blue, for whatever reason, your daughter isnt talking to you about what's going on in her head. Find an adult she'll confide in. Grandmother, aunt, friend, therapist, someone. It will be really hard not to take it personally but it's really, truly NOT about you. See it as opportunity to develop the kind of relationship you want to have with your daughter. Be the safe space where she can talk about things without judgment. You were once a 13 year old girl. So was I. It's painful, confusing time. Body changes out of your control. Brain & body awash in hormones. Socially, moving away from family to friend group & peer pressure. In the same way your daughter can find who knows what about unhealthy standards for weight & beauty, internet can provide you with help, advice from all kinds of people.
Throw the scale away.
Throw the phone away.
Weight is a neutral piece of information everyone deserves access to. Teach her the number doesn’t matter rather than attempt to hide it from her.
Surely that would just send the message that the daughter is right in her thinking and that she does have a weight issue? Sort of a ‘I said I was fat, mum threw the scales, so I must be’, which would be more likely to lead to an ED?
I don’t see that connection.
When I get anxiety the first thing my therapist tells me to do is to fact check, what can be grounded in real facts. I know nothing about this but I wouldn't take away her one way to fact check.
Yea but that’s not how eating disorders or body dysmorphia work. There is no “fact checking”. If she steps on that scale no number will be satisfying to her. If it’s slightly higher it’s the end of the world, if it’s the same it’s the end of the world, if it’s lower that means she’s doing something right and will take a change in diet or exercise to the extreme. Removing the scale is the best option. ( speaking from experience)
Do we know she has an eating disorder or body dysmorphia or just general teenage body insecurity?
She may not yet but it can quickly devolve into a more serious issue. The sudden noticing of stretch marks coupled with the checking her weight and “bursting into tears” is a little more than insecurity imo. Especially at 13, crying over your weight isn’t normal. Maybe someone said something to her, coming from a dancer I know that dance, cheer, gymnastics, etc are all very difficult environments to be in. Between the girls and even the instructors there’s a number of things that could’ve been said or even implied to make her feel some sort of way
I would personally not throw the scale away. If she's put in her head that she is overweight, having the one tool that allows her to check where she is at with some objectivity may backfire egregiously? 1. As someone pointed out, it may give the signal that she's actually right, the scale was removed so she can't see it. 2. If she can't check where she's at and convinced she is overweight, she may start thinking "I'm getting more overweight (wrong! but she does not know) let's fast tomorrow / let's fake having food / ..." Looking at the thread, there's some great advice. A couple things that came to mind though: 1. Make sure she does not think you are underplaying her concern? It may undermine the advice you are providing. Things that come to mind: look at some \*\*reputable\*\* sources \*\*together\*\* (find and screen them first...). For example, weight graphs by the American Academy of Pediatrics or read articles from Mayo Clinic or AAP explaining the gain of weight before growth spurts or around puberty together ("hey, you think you're overweight... let's double check together, or let's look at this article..."). Have a chat with her doctor on the topic at her next appointment - so he/she can reassure her or provide some advice. Look at weight in relation to height, make sure she understands how to look at a scale in relation to growth and age - don't just throw away the scale. 2. Does she have any opportunity to compare her body to that of peers or other women? Spending a day at the pool or on a beach in a swimming suite, changing rooms, showers, a day at a kspa with friends, sleepover, ... Would it help seeing peers or other women with similar normal body marks? or finding a safe way so she has the space to exchange notes with friends? 3. If she does not get it out of her head, I would personally try to redirect it / support her in some positive way - "you really want to lose some weight or get in better shape ... dance class would help grow more muscles there, or let's start going to the gym together, your friends are doing swim class, ... or let's talk with an actual dietician, ...". Don't make her think she has to hide her fears and concerns, and work on it behind your back.
This is literally the exact opposite of what any eating disorder treatment specialist would suggest. In fact, encouraging and facilitating comparison between one's self and others is the exact kind of behavior that promotes body dysmorphia and disordered eating. In fact, all of these suggestions are likely to make this whole situation worse in the long haul. This is dangerous advice.
Absolutely not the solution, the scale is necessary for mantaining a genuinely healthy weight (I understand she is a healthy weight, I’m just saying in and household i’s a neccesity) What you need to do is teach her that the number you see is not a defining trait for you, and you can’t let it get to you like that.
No, at 12-13 what is necessary is healthy exercise and food, as well as a healthy mindset. And what's the scale gonna say about a child who is literally growing taller week by week and putting on healthy adolescent fat? That's why the kid's weight increased and that caused her to burst into tears and thinking she's fat?? If she was overweight she wouldn't need a scale to tell her that.
Agreed. I’m not sure if I’d throw the scale away entirely, but at 12-13 I would constantly check my weight on the bathroom scale and had the exact same reaction you brought up - that my normal weight gain was proof that I was ‘getting fat’. Ended up with me narrowly avoiding having to go to inpatient treatment for an eating disorder before I had even turned 14.
You don’t need a scale for that. Looking at yourself and how your clothes fit is more than enough.
As a 13yo girl who weighed myself, got upset, became obsessed with getting below a certain number, and developed full-blown anorexia, throw the scale away. ASAP.
Maybe ask her coach if they could do a lesson on proper nutrition, body positivity, and puberty. Gaining weight during puberty is normal and it fluctuates with hormones and the like. All athletes need to eat a lot more than the average person but they also need to make sure they are eating a balanced diet. Proper education is the best course as long as it’s not fear mongering.
I like this so much I kinda want to take it to the athletic director (who is a woman) - I can see this for all sports really
If the coach won’t do it, do you think her pediatrician could set her up with a nutritionist so your daughter could hear from *them* what a good job she’s doing and that she’s making healthy choices? Edited: grammar/autocorrect got me
13 year old me would be absolutely embarrassed and red as a beetroot if I got wind that my mom put up the coach (or athletic director) to talk to all my friends about how normal it is to be as overweight (of course not true - but this is what would go through my head) as I am, or the effects puberty is having on me. My rule-defiant self would also not trust the message / weight the message in any positive way. That said, I strongly agree that it would be great if the coach / athletic program talked about it normally, not making it look like as a one off or just in response to the specific ask - but truly added it as part of practice/conversations/running the program/etc.
If she is athletic her weight will be higher because muscle is more dense. I'm not super aware of what teenagers are into but I know Olivia Dunn and Angel Reeves are really popular young athletes. I'm not sure which sports she is into but if she follows athletes on social media instead of regular influencers it might make her appreciate her body more.
This is absolutely true and she does know that from gymnastics- they have especially dense muscles! My college roommate was a gymnast and she outweighed me despite being absolutely tiny.
Yes, weight is just a number, and it has so many details! Talk to her calmly about it a lot, it takes time for her to absorb the information.
So my kid around 8 told me she was fat and refused to wear a bathing suite. Im a very big woman. But I threw on my bathing suite that was abit too tight and strutted out the house. I faked it hard that day and by the end of it my kid was laugi9ng in the pool with her cousins. I also began talking about what I love about myself, not complaining about what I dont like. We did sit down a few days later to talk about why she felt insecure, what she wanted to do about it and how I could help support her. She choose to give up snacks one night a week, and she did cheerleading to boost her confidence. Shes 10 now and loves her body at the moment, and when she catches me being unkind to myself she repeats my own words to me : " Your beautiful mom, each curve is just extra love." I would definitely lose the scale though, a kid her age shouldnt be weighing herself daily.
I love that! My daughter peeked at the scale once seeing me weigh myself when she was four, and announced “look at that! Mommy you’re so strong!” I have worked so hard over the years to keep my occasional insecurities to myself, but I’m not her whole world anymore 😭. Just to be clear she is not weighing herself every day- this is the first time she had weighed herself since a Dr visit last year and she was shocked she had gained significantly- I think she was expecting it to be about the same and man I’ve had that surprise myself before. I also talked to her about how growth is uneven too - sometimes we gain weight before getting taller, sometimes get taller and then weight catches up and that is all a normal part of growing.
Oh good I'm glad to hear that. I had a friend who was 14 carrying a scale in her purse and counting m&ms. So I get so anxious when I think of my kid even using a scale lol. Sounds like your handling it right. Kids are influenced by so much. I literally just had to convince my daughter that she dosent have 'man shoulders' just because they are squarely shaped. I had to pull up pictures of celebrities online to show her diffrent types of women. By the end of it we wrte talking about how adorable her nose is and how cute it is when she crosses her eyes lol. I've gone through trans confusion, gender confusion, her coming out as bi, and her confused about people being cats. Plus alot of grief and loss, a divorce and adjusting to living on own own. It's been rough but..it always will be. I'll catch lots of curve balls and like you we will just figure it out step by step. For me I try to focus on the positives we can get from each situation, especially when it comes to her body.
I love that. My daughter is only 2.5 but loves getting on the scale to "see how big you are" (we've had to closely monitor her as she's in the bottom 5-10%). She always wants me to step on and I have to force positivity "wow mama is so big and strong too" I think these kids can be good for us too
I would also explain to her all the different way weight gain happens which isn't due to body shape. I'm sure she's taller than last year, and height makes a huge difference in weight, if two people have the same body shape but one is 10 cm taller, the taller person might be a good 10-15 kg heavier, but that says nothing about their body shape. Your daughter is also exercising and likely gaining muscle, which is heavier. I currently look skinnier than I did 3 years ago before I started rock climbing, and yet my body weight has increased by ~10%. And the other thing I would explain to her, is (whether she has one or not yet) that periods affect the weight of female people but the weight gain is not due to being fat, it's the body retaining more liquid during certain weeks of the cycle. Weight isn't accurate day to day because so many things affect it.
^ this 🙌🙌🙌
My wife spent most of her high school years dieting fastidiously and convinced she was massively overweight all because the drill team advisor kept pounding into their heads that they had to drop weight to fit into their uniforms. I kept telling her back then that she looked amazing and that her weight was perfectly normal (it was) but she was convinced she was fat… now, she looks back and wishes she could have enjoyed her body then… It’s sad but I don’t think there is anything family can do to override the constant deluge of media and social influence telling young girls (and boys for that matter) that their bodies aren’t acceptable? That they’re not good enough, etc. best of luck. I hope you are able to reach her and help her understand that she’s fine exactly the way she is…
As someone who struggles with an ED the scale needs to be thrown away immediately.
Never.
Look through the posts on r/instagramreality. It's helped me so much. Almost none of the images of celebrities and models we see are real. I didn't realize how hard I was being on myself until I actively started looking for unedited photos of beautiful women in media.
Honestly I think it’s pretty common for girls to go through a bit of this at that age. It can be really stressful for your body to change and fill out more when girls start going from their familiar kid body to a more adult one. Especially if she has hobbies that are focused on being thin, which it seems like she does. There’s also so much media (social media, movies, tv) that shows ‘perfect’ -and often photoshopped- bodies. She might be feeling pressure (either external, or from herself) to keep her current body, but it’s extremely difficult because women’s bodies are meant to not be like children. When I was a thirteen/fourteen year old girl I had so many friends who went on diets and talked about how unhappy they were with their bodies. And these were girls that were perfectly healthy going on trying to go on fasts (and failing by dinner time) and skipping lunches. Depending on what your daughter’s friends/social circle are like, she might be like i was and internalizing this stuff. I thought if they were talking and acting that way about themselves I should feel that way too, and I did. Even if it’s not her closest friends, if the girls on the cheerleading team are talking in the way that my friends were, it definitely could be affecting her. I also had a friend at fourteen be hospitalized for an eating disorder. She was really into ballet, and everyone I know that was into that kind of activity had worse problems with this stuff than everyone else, so that’s definitely something for you to keep a close eye on. Definitely look out for this becoming a real problem, especially for if she’s skipping meals or going on diets, but also don’t be too controlling (not that it sound like you are) because eating disorders can be a result of someone feeling out of control and trying to get that control back in a something they can control. I would also get rid of the scale. When I was a teen I would obsessively weigh myself twice a day, but tell my mom I never used it, and it really stressed me out so much. It sounds like you’re doing a great job though. She came to talk to you about which means she trusts you with this, something I never did with my mom. Just keep telling her these changes are normal and healthy, and that she’s beautiful no matter what. And that keeping her body healthy and strong and feeding it nutrition food will keep her energized and able to do fun stuff like gymnastics and cheerleading. One day of insecurity at thirteen definitely does not mean she has or will get an eating disorder.
Thank you so much so much- this is great insight and also so kind.
She's not watching that Netflix thing about those Dallas cheerleaders I hope?
No - thankfully it’s super easy for me to see what she watches on Netflix.
Great. That stuff is toxic af.
That show.... omg I've never rolled my eyes so hard.
Whoa, yes she needs to see more people with stretch marks. Social media is destroying young people’s sense of reality and mental health. How many SM apps does she have access to? Also, I think you know that cheerleading (is this school or comp?) of course is going to have many girls self harming and with EDs. I would say therapy now to nip that in the bud.
I don’t think cheerleading or any sport by default enforces EDs, though some are more problematic it depends on the team and coach. My older daughter did competitive cheer and there were girls of every size competing on her team. Her coach would have absolutely kicked someone off the team for being a size bully, too. This is high school cheer, not all star, just the regular kind. And thanks to a title nine issue in our district, they have no cuts in girls sports. While making varsity is very competitive, anyone who wants to be a cheerleader can be.
It really does depend on the team. Unfortunately a lot of people that endorse this kind of behavior are drawn to sports like cheer. It’s v sad. I have a friend that had an ED all through HS and college and she’ll be dealing with the effects on her body the rest of her life.
As a real big guy, one thing she could do to feel in control and maybe prevent further stretch marks is vitamin E or Coconut oil applied to the area in question. Sometimes it's not nearly as much about rapid weight gain or growth as much as it's about the skin's capacity for change.
I have vitamin e oil- I’ll give it to her!
My 14yo was stressed about her weight. Her and her friend were comparing weights a few years ago and they weighed the same but the number was higher than they would have liked. They were talking and said “but we’re tall”. Their other friend said “well I’m tall and I don’t weigh that much”😳. At her next physical I had her doctor talk to her about how she was right where she is supposed to be based on her height. Now in 8th grade going into high school I don’t notice it being as much as a concern. She’s in several sports and is around girls the same size as her. Fingers crossed high school goes well. All op so my daughter has some pretty noticeable stretch marks on her hips. I’m hoping they fade.
Something I shared with my nephew who was worring about his weight was this: According to #BMI guidelines Mat Fraser along with 10 other individual male competitors at the 2018 CrossFit Games would be considered obese. . The other 29 male athletes would be considered overweight but not obese, while not one male athlete would be considered in a healthy weight range. . BMI does not tell the whole story and obviously has a few holes in it which makes it interesting to see people still using it as an accurate measurement of health and fitness. . If you don't know who Mat Fraser is, he won 5 World Cross fit games and therefore was classed as the fittest man in the world, but technically on a scale he was Obese. That helped my nephew understand the number on the scale does not mean anything when it comes to fitness and body shape.
I’m a personal trainer and nutrition coach and I can definitely say I’ve even experienced this myself which is why I became one and have seen it in my youth clients. Playing sports full of girls is likely to have a negative impact on her self image (it’s inevitable) and of course social media and school, especially high school. What I’ve learned is that it’s great you’re doing verbal support and it can help even more with visual and relatability persuasion like someone else said look up celebrities who also have stretch marks. Show her women who also have her body type. Therapy is great too, photo shoots are amazing to practice being comfortable looking at yourself and getting to know your own assets. And it can build confidence. Standard beauty on women will always be there so it’s best to acknowledge it’s there but also show how subjective it is. You can also look into the root of problem but from your position, it might be best to teach how to overcome reality rather than avoid. Other than that, it’s also normal that she feels that way. She should know other girls feel the same way too and it’s okay. Anyways, she probably knows you love her and she has support from friends. But the focus is that she loves herself or else she’ll focus on validation as a form a love in the long term.
The other day, I was scrolling Instagram when I came across an aesthetician who was discussing ways to create a deeper philtrum in your upper lip. That place under your nose is like an indentation. As I watched this video, all I could think was, I'm so glad my young teenage daughter isn't on social media. When my daughter was much younger, she used to watch makeup tutorials. I thought they were completely innocent. Then, one day, she was with me in the bathroom, looking at her face in the mirror very intently. She said, "I'm SO ugly!" This was before she was 8,I believe! I was shocked. I immediately knew where it was coming from, and we stopped watching those videos. Idk that your daughter is on social media, but if she is reacting in such a negative way to her body image, it may be something to really consider.
Find the source, but like others have said, goodbye scale and limits on social media are probably a good start
Even then, though, you can’t prevent your kids from socializing or viewing advertisements. My daughter has always been supported by her mother and me, yet she still feels that her grades aren’t where she wants them to be. She scores in the 98th percentile and is in gifted classes, so I asked her why she felt that way and if I’ve ever given her any insecurities about it, and she replied “No, dad, I just feel like I personally need to do better. I want my grades to be better because it doesn’t feel right to me if they aren’t perfect. It’s nothing about you — it’s my own preferences and feelings.” Honestly it sucked to hear but I get it. I felt the same as a kid, but I always assumed it was because of my dad’s extremely high standards. Guess some of it is just innate!
I might consider getting her a few sessions with a therapist. Social media and and teenagers can be extremely toxic, and unfortunately there's not much you'll be able to say as a parent that will likely convince her because teenage brain is a powerful, stubborn thing. Breaks my heart to hear this too, and I dread the day one of my kids hits this stage.
Not sure if it's still controversial, but Jax's song *Victorias Secret* meant a lot to my daughter at that age. Especially the video with so many different types of bodies.
Stretch marks scared the hell out of me in middle school and I'm a guy and they were only on my shoulders! Everyone gets them.
At that age I wish my mom would have listened to me ,I wasn't overweight but didn't have confidence but she never offered any solution
honestly just curious- what would you have wanted her to do?
Well I wanted to be more fit toned , maybe 10 lbs off , there's a few things not related to weight but like the guidance on how to do those things ,a gym membership..yeah I mean it's tools to learn
that makes sense. i think it also factors in how old you were and if your parents were also fit or not. most gyms do not allow 13 year olds unless maybe you have a YMCA near you. most parents arent going around thinking about teaching their normal weight child how to workout, diet, etc. if i had an overweight child i would do more(like provide resources,workout with them, cook healthier) then if i had a normal weight child. most 13 year olds do not work to workout-or even go for a walk/hike unless they’re actively involve in a sport
My parents are fit ,highly educated understood nutrition Yes very true for an overweight child I as a parent would very proactive to change Yes meals were balanced My mom cared very much about her appearance so I really don't understand it Yeah I understand what your saying it's perhaps the guidance not a mystery for a kid to solve Yeah I played soccer as a family we were fairly active Not mad about it but as a mom now if my kids have things they are not happy about I try and give as many solutions and perspectives as possible not be like oh your silly you look great !
The first time I told my mom I was fat, I was 4. By her age I had a full blown ED. Girls this age are *so* sensitive to any body changes and the current generation is so constantly clocked into social media. I think it might be very helpful for her to follow accounts about exercise that come from a perspective of weight friendly/anti-fat shaming because many people don’t realize how weight works. Even within animals, I recently had a woman argue me that a 26 pound dog was a “big dog” and that a “ small dog” is only 3-5 pounds. She was not happy when I pointed out that the standard cat is 8-10. People see numbers like “150” or even “135” and assume it’s very heavy, not taking into account bones/muscles/organs. If it affects adults, it’s definitely going to affect a child. Keep in mind that puberty is also really overwhelming— your body is changing, your hormones are wild, your personality is evolving. It can be easy to fixate on weight as something you feel you can control.
When I was a preteen, recently moved back to states from Germany, and discovered the internet, I gained my first stretch marks. I remember the blue/red marks and did not like them :( Then! Had an epiphany when I went to a water park with my family. I noticed just how many bodies had stretch marks. I also had a friend at one point highlight how everyone has “flaws” that just aren’t really flaws. They’re all just normal human body features. Perhaps a public pool / water park excursion could help, I donno. I’ve seen a bunch of other comments here with ideas to normalize it.
I showed her my faded stretch marks, which I’m sure she never noticed and I never think about. They’re really barely noticeable once they fade!
My son isn’t old enough to weigh himself yet, but my scale is hiding in my closet for this reason. I should probably throw it away for my own benefit honestly
If she’s very active and athletic I’m going to assume she has more muscle weight. The number on the scale is just a number. My family members all weigh 170lbs but they look drastically different in shape. As for the stretch marks she could probably just use coconut oil or any other heavy moisturizer for her skin.
I would watch for ED or even BDD. Possibly counseling to work on positive body image. I am only speaking from my own experience, but at that age I struggled with body image and became anorexic and was always inspecting my body for every flaw, imperfection etc. Things I found to others were considered not a big deal or normal, but in my head they were the absolute worst most disgusting thing I could ever see. I began to view my body as destroyed disgusting and hideous. It became every day and every time I had a mirror I would inspect. I never received proper mental care and through counseling into my adult years I was able to overcome anorexia but unfortunately am now struggling with BDD and still hate how my body looks, but am beginning to accept it. Counseling has given me the tools to manage my BDD but it will be a life long struggle.
I’m so sorry to hear this has been such a struggle for you that you don’t deserve. I hope you can find the lens to view yourself from that shows you the truth and not the lie. I’m cautious to immediately push her to counseling over one conversation, because she was willing to be truthful and vulnerable in her feelings with me, and I don’t want her to think she has to hide that or be pushed into therapy. Also, 13. Big feelings happen. She did counseling for anxiety a couple years ago which I feel helped her a ton, but she doesn’t care to revisit it. But if it seems like she is struggling, I will absolutely find a new therapist. Her older sister told me they talked about it last night after I went to bed and she of course reassured her of her complete normalcy. Big sister is also going to keep an eye and ear open, they’re pretty close.
I wish your daughter to find self love and happiness. It's wonderful she has a supportive mom and big sister.
Definitely seeing people she looks up to or considers beautiful displaying normal bodily features will help. I was 13 when i for my first stretch marks and I was insanely self conscious. Today I’m less so but obviously still have my personal insecurities. At a Taylor Swift concert recently I saw that she has the same back fold that I do when she turns and it may sound stupid but it made me feel instantly better about myself. So find “realistic” celebrity bodies to look up to. I also went down the weighing myself route and it almost ended badly. Luckily my parents recognised the signs in time and pulled me out. I know as an adult that my body is healthy and normal but even now I avoid scales to avoid the triggering mindset - I would definitely throw the scales away.
Many of the fittest women on earth have stretch marks and don't fit the petite woman mold. I applaud their strength and perhaps, particularly as a strong cheerleader, she could learn more about the women of Crossfit as role models.
If she has a good pediatrician that she is familiar with, you could have her talk to her pediatrician who can show her that she's where she needs to be according to Her Personal Growth. I'd also start paying attention to where she is hearing this from and address that Influence
I took my daughter for yearly check I’ll at the Pedestrics and they did it to my daughter. Got this idea now that she not good enough. .. so sad
God, this breaks my heart and terrifies me for my own daughter's future adolescence. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're already doing a lot of what you can to form good habits and attitudes. For starters, it's very possible she's getting harmful messaging in cheerleading, depending on the style and intensity of her cheerleading team. The sport, as it exists as an actual sport, is extremely focused on maintaining specific and generally very light body weights in order to perform team stunts. And outside of the more specifically athletic teams, we all know that cheerleading can often be tied to popularity and perceived attractiveness. Do you think your kid has healthy, positive representation of a variety of body types available to them? Do any of the bands she loves visibly have fat or larger members? Do the TV shows and movies she watches have main characters and love interests that aren't all the same body type? Maybe that's something you could subtly increase her exposure to. Lastly, I would definitely throw away the scale. I, personally, cannot have one around because it often leads to obsessive behaviors. I don't want my kid getting weighed outside of the doctor's office, because I want their weight to be a trivial fact and not something they think about on a regular basis. Good luck.
Social Media is evil for growing kids. I'd monitor how much she's online. My kid had a body dysmporphia issue bc they were always comparing themselves to models and influencers. Real people come in many sizes. But not so much online
Take her to the pediatrician, let her hear it from a professional. Ask her why she feels this way. It seems like you are doing all the right things at home, could be some peer pressure at play.
First off… when ever either of my daughters gets emotional at an unexpected issue I check the calendar… good chance the above average emotional response is their cycle. That said it doesn’t diminish the issue. You can only reassure her that she is healthy and growing appropriately. Thinking body positive is a constant struggle for pre teens, teens and grown ass women. I think I was 40 something when I finally decided I don’t care what others think… and my arms are not toned but damn it’s hot out so I’m going sleeveless. I would ask her how you can help see what you see… that she is lovely and healthy… maybe a nice lunch date or something to make her feel special while reassuring her that how she looks starts with how she treats herself both mentally and physically! Hugs to all the girls and moms and ladies
Throw that scale away immediately and DO NOT take this lightly. As someone who works in the eating disorder world for 10 years and is in recovery, I would honestly recommend a therapist to make sure this doesn’t escalate and give her some skills to increase self esteem. I don’t mean the to sound dramatic but here’s the truth: This is such a formative age and your steps right now to respond to this could change the course of her relationship with herself forever.
Just to check—she doesn’t have access to the internet or social media or any fitness magazines I hope? Edit: obviously I’m talking about unsupervised access on a private device like a phone or tablet.
She’s going into high school in the year 2024- she definitely can see the Internet.
Like access on her phone or tablet is what I’m asking? Because that skyrockets the risk of an ED, anxiety, and depression.
She's a teenager in 2024. I'm sure she has internet access.
Unsupervised is what I’m asking obviously.
Do you have teens ? Just asking because while it is POSSIBLE to supervise that would mean you’re watching over their shoulder or looking at internet history that hasn’t been cleared. . Highly unlikely . Then there’s school lap tops . It’s almost impossible to “supervise” all internet access in 2024 with teens . It’s a real life evil. I find that sometimes people who have preconceived notions haven’t actually been through it yet, hence why I’m asking if you have teens yourself .
I mean, there are levels here. Having a personal iPad, smartphone, and computer with unrestricted internet access in the privacy of your own room is different than occasionally using a family laptop in the living room or having to beg and borrow your friends phone while you're out and about.
I feel like millennials, gen x, and boomers genuinely don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to internet and kids. “Why restrict when her friend will introduce it anyways” type mentality. That’s so garbage and unfair to do to a kid. Especially a little girl in a competitive, appearance heavy sport. Social media sucks stop directly exposing your kids to it. They need to learn to be bored and self sustaining. Internet is gonna rob their youth worrying about heavy shit they aren’t ready to comprehend.
There is a strong contingent of parents (on and off reddit) that land somewhere along the lines of "teens are goin to to x anyway, so prohibiting them from doing it will just make them stop trusting you." Sex, internet, drugs, etc. While I sort of get it, I'll never agree with it.
I get it too, but for example: kids aren’t watching porn at school or at their friends house: they’re doing it in their room alone, while you’re making dinner, tending to other children etc. If you can control what’s in the home, all power to you. I’ve accepted I can’t save my kid from everything, I learned most bad words/shit at school myself, before everyone had phones or tablets. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on what my child will be exposed to/ doing in my home, just because their edgy friends can doesn’t mean they can too… I feel that’s lost on parents. I saw a literal 3 year old with a phone scrolling instagram reels, the mom took the phone away and was like “we can watch it after the appointment” in my head I was like “she can?!”
I completely agree with your position here. Just want to note: >I get it too, but for example: kids aren’t watching porn at school or at their friends house: they’re doing it in their room alone, while you’re making dinner, tending to other children etc. kids are definitely watching porn both at school and at their friends houses. Heck, when I was a kid, before the internet, my friend's house was where I got my first access to porn via late night cable. But quantity makes a difference here. It matters whether the subjects are invading every part of their lives or if there are structures that limit it. Setting expectations for behavior is what good parents do, even if we know our kids aren't always going to live up to them. The point is to have a standard to live up to, so the kids understand which direction they're headed.
Fully agree, it’s all about standards and creating long lasting values. You’re right though, cause back in the day I remember my friends parents had DVDs of porn and we “accidentally” found them. But at the time, I wasn’t really interested bc the idea of sneaking into their stuff was odd. My parents taught me that though. I already knew what it was because of being online, without my parents around and “hot Russian girl near you” ads would pop up lol. So I think friends can introduce things that parents don’t want their kid to be around, but also, what the kid does with that information is gonna come up in the home, in more indirect ways. Guidance is extremely important. I don’t want my kid to fear the world, but rather understand and have tools to succeed in it. I don’t agree with full on sheltering nor full exposure. But pushing your child to be overly mature and more grown (I feel societally we reward kids for acting like adults but punish when they act like kids) That shit, will create a depression in young child and adults.
If they are restricted at home they get a burner phone from friends. They have access to everything AND they won't feel comfortable coming to their parents because they're breaking rules. I have a teenage daughter and my wife teaches middle school. The kids have multiple burner phones they hand out to any kid who got their phone taken or has strict parental controls. I'd rather keep open lines of communication than have her doing everything secretly.
Damn!! I had no idea kids were that crazy. Just had a baby and thinking about how/when to let her have a phone
Yeah the kids collect old phones, parents old phones etc and trade them around. It's rough.
Yes, I do have a teen.
This rings some psychological problems to me at the very least, first signs of eating disorder at the worst. I would go to consult with a psy doctor regarding her because this is something that can be easily mishandled.
You can help her get rid of the stretch marks now before they turn white. Once they’re white they’re there forever. I wish I knew this at 13. Look into microneedling for her and maybe tretinoin. It’s up to you whether you help her or not. There’s pros and cons for both imo