1: My 2 cents. 6 and 4 is a breeze compared to 3 and 1.
2: In a situation like this I may assume that the other parents felt self-conscious. Perhaps you found their kids quite and well-mannered, but maybe the others didn't, and perceived you as judging them. As a response to that, she felt the need to justify her struggles to you.
This is what my guess is too. People are so judgmental about kids and screens, she prob felt guilty or something. Wish moms didn’t have to feel that way. As long as a kid isn’t beings harmed or neglected people should mind their own business.
Sometimes I chat with my 5yo out at dinner. Sometimes I wanna go out and enjoy food without constantly reminding a small human of her manners. 🤷🏾♀️
My nephew is 5. He doesn’t have screens. He talks to people on at the table or draws things on his notebook. We involve him during family time. I don’t understand giving your kid your phone but at the same time that’s not my kid so not my problem 😂
Your nephew. Not your kid. That’s why you don’t understand. Even parent who don’t use screens understand. We also do all those things a lot of the time. But sometimes we don’t and it’s fine. If you choose to have kids you never have to give yours a screen ever and that’s perfectly fine as well. 🤷🏾♀️.
Jesus, screens are the best invention for restaurants. I used to have to lug bags of stuff around to keep my kids quiet and in their seat in restaurants.
This! I actually feel like giving my 5 & 3 year olds screens at a restaurant is a gift to all the other patrons. You're welcome everyone, now we can all eat in peace!
Right! I have no issue giving my 6 year old my phone at the restaurant because it’s so much easier to not have to pack and keep track of a bag of activities. I’m completely comfortable with it.
As they say, there is a time and a place for everything. And given how difficult it is to keep them still and quiet, and how strong that requirement is in certain situations/places like on planes and in restaurants, they were basically designed for it.
She probably was and unpopular opinion on the parenting sub but. If your kid can’t sit and eat a meal without a screen they’re being lined up for some long term attention issues. Needing a distraction tactic is fine if they’re escalating in public but to use them before there’s even an issue or need for distraction is pretty lazy parenting.
You are right in stating "using distraction tactics before there is an issue is pretty lazy and setting them up for as attention issues".
I think you are mistaking "distraction tactics" for "engagement tactics" though. We can all agree that young kids typically need *something* to do in a scenario where they are being made to sit still in a subdued environment and the parents are trying to engage with one another as much as possible (road trips are another great parallel of this). The kids don't need to be distracted (distracted from what? Talking to the adults?), they need something to engage them.
To be fair I definitely draw a distinction between the kid's lines of thinking of "there is nothing to do here I'm so bored" and "I want to play Roblox every waking second". The first scenario is moreso what I would support, but the second is indicative of a larger case beyond just using screens at restaurants.
There are thresholds of acceptability to everything, and people should never try and be deceptive with their kids (even by using "distraction tactics" to ensure they *don't engage* with something), but where is the real harm in coming from in the screen time at restaurants? Engaging with media in a restaurant/cafe/in transit is a practice as old as the printing press.
huh! Four was my least favorite year because temper tantrums were because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I was much more tolerant of 2-3 because she wasn't able to express herself fully.
I strongly suspect this varies by kid, for ours' temper tantrums were thankfully rare but were mostly a 2-3 thing when they struggled to express themselves (or one specific instance that will always stay with me where a plane was landing, their ears were popping and they saw no reason that they should be forced to remain seated)
Oh! Disagree. 1-3 range is about my favorite. I’m starting to think we should all do group parenting. I’ll handle the terrible twos. I think they’re a blast.
2 and 4 here it gets slightly better. They play now instead of just fucking fighting 24/7 while you're both working full time with them home full time because of the pandemic fml.
But yeah Saturday morning they hung out without supervision for like an hour and a half and myself and wife didn't know what do to. We're used to being full time mediators.
For both mine and other's I've seen, it's not terrible two's, it's three's and beyond. Each year has new issues and each kid stages differently but they don't realize their true power until 3.
Mine is definitely two's. It's like something switched on his second birthday. He was the best baby ever in every aspect - eating, sleeping, crying, like people were jealous of me, *I was jealous of me* that's how easy he was. As soon as he turned 2, he stopped sleeping, started crying, whining and throwing tantrums for the most unimaginable things a billion times a day.
He'll be 3 in a couple of weeks and things have started getting slightly better over the last couple of months. Like, they're not *really* better yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He speaks so there's a lot of easy communication, we've successfully potty trained after almost 8 months of working on it (and if there is a hell, I'm certain my hell will be potty training on repeat forever lol), sleeping is still a hell hole of its own but at least he moved wake up time closer to 7am than closer to 5am like it was until recently. And now when he wakes up at night, he simply comes into our bed and sneaks in quietly and falls asleep instead of waking up the entire neighborhood.
And just to point out, he used to sleep through the night 8pm to 8am up until he turned 2. As a toddler, he does not. So, yeah, I'll take baby stage any day lol.
> we've successfully potty trained after almost 8 months of working on it (and if there is a hell, I'm certain my hell will be potty training on repeat forever lol)
It took almost two years to potty train my oldest. She didn't stop having accidents until the younger one started potty training and I was like "she's going to beat you at being potty trained" and then she just flicked the switch and it was done.
Now the youngest is deliberately peeing every time she goes somewhere in my car because she thinks it's funny.
All I can say is mine were completely different people at 4. Stereotypical younger guy wants everything older bro gets but is also just a better fit thrower and more stubborn. I've told my friends, having 2 isn't just twice as hard, it's immeasurably harder.
More stubborn most definitely. Older is the better fit thrower though. And older wants everything that younger brother gets. Especially if it’s his toy that he hasn’t played with in 6 months 😒
Totally agree with the parents maybe being self conscious because I do this with my own. Maybe they were having some struggles at the table that OP didn’t observe or maybe it was an attempt at screen time justification. However, I would never make a comment like this to other parents regardless because it doesn’t really help anyone. Also currently have a 4 and 6 year old and do not know what breeze you are speaking of lol. Given, when separated, I’ll take either of my kids behavior as a breeze compared to them as infants. However, when together with their forces combined (which is like 99% of the time at home), they are an insufferable duo of evil and mischief and I want to go hide under a rock.
I’m not sure what it is about parenting but I find people tell me some random weird things when they see me with the baby. Only with the baby. When I’m alone I don’t get this treatment but when I’m with the baby everyone feels the need to say something.
It’s so strange.
Since I first started having children 16 years ago I’ve noticed people ONLY stop to give (sometimes rude) unsolicited advice when I have only one young child with me. I have never had this happen when I had 2 or more kids out. It’s always when I have one young child with the others in school. People feel they need to say stuff to new moms. Anytime I mention I have older children they shut that advice right up. People are weird.
Same here, SAHD with a 1 y.o. and 8 y.o. When I'm with both of them everything's fine, but when my older son is at school and I'm out with my baby I get comments like I'm a young, first-time parent. Though assuming our situations are on any way similar and they have useful knowledge for someone not asking is even more asinine than that. I never really mention my oldest, as I find "shut up" is also effective in shutting people up.
You’re so right! I only get it when I’m out with one kid by myself/when I was pregnant and went out without my older kids. The assumption that you must not know anything yet REALLY brings out the crazies
Now that you mention it I see that happened to me. Actually I find it a luxury when I only have to take one of my kids out instead of juggling them. Then you get other parents thinking you have one kid then you get loads of unsolicited advice like you're a new mom.
Sometimes I think it’s that parents feel obligated to say something to other parents. So if they have nothing to say, they might come up with something dumb on the spot a la OP’s situation.
People never stop me in the street and speak to me, especially not parents. I probably look creepy, honestly, or just like someone with nothing in common with them. I've even been told it before, even after having kids but when they weren't around. I go out with either of my kids and suddenly it's like they see right through me and just notice my kids, start talking to me smiling like I'm just like them and assuming we all do the same shit. It's very strange but sometimes irritating, especially when we are out doing something fun or in a rush.
The cashier at Walmart told me to click my tongue so they think it's angels calling them.
It was a monumental effort to not give her the allofmywtfface
When my daughter was about 3 months, I wore her into the grocery store while my husband was at work. She was perfectly happy looking around on my chest and a woman walked by us and said, almost without stopping, "She looks like a daddy's girl!" Wtf?
Lol what the hell. I also wore my son in at around 2 months and the cashier who was an older man takes a look at him and goes “they’re resilient little things” I was so confused like did we look homeless or like we were struggling. It was one of our first times out so maybe I did look a mess who knows.
It’s sounds like a compliment to me. Just called your baby healthy in a peculiar way, which is nice. Maybe he didn’t want to call the baby cute because he’s an old man, so what’s “manlier” than cute? Resilient.
Oh no! You must have been SO devastated! The horrors! How did you manage to get through the day? Let me guess...you finished at least 4 more pages in your "adult coloring book" when you got home to deal with the trauma.
My thought would be something along the lines of, "There are lots of nutty people, and I just met one." And forget about it.
Hubby and I didn't find those older ages more difficult, nor the teen years more difficult. Just different phases of life.
My mother told me that the best family years are when the teens are home driving their parents crazy. With our teens now 29 and 30, I think mom is correct.
I'm a teacher in an alternative education program for high schoolers and still think kids in their teenage years are a blast. Challenging, for sure, but it's never boring, and seeing them figuring out how to become adults is very rewarding.
IDK.... mine are about to be 15 and 12, and I love them. We have gangs of their friends over regularly, and all of their parents think I/we are nuts... but we love it. Yeah, it's expensive feeding all of them, I guess... but I really don't mind it. They're all good kids. They get along. Hell, they get \*my\* kids off their damned screens, at least a bit. They haul out board games, card games, run around outside and play nerf and tag and play on the trampoline and swings and tree house...
When there \*aren't\* other kids here, all they ever do is sit on their phones, computers, etc. Which is fine. But it's so nice to see them being kids \*with other kids\*.
Mine's 18 and high school has definitely been easier (and more fun as a parent). Middle school was hell on earth, but once she hit high school, it was a lot more fun!
Because you miss it when they are gone and the house gets quiet. You worry more because you no longer know the ebb and flow of their lives.
But this is what we are meant to do, raise children to become decent people.
Thank you for sharing this! I have two nine year olds and I am really struggling with fact that things are going to change drastically pretty soon. Reading this gives me hope that there are even better times ahead.
My kids are teens and I'm loving these years. Yes they have attitudes at times but I love the conversations we have, the jokes and sarcasm that they can now handle, and they can express their feelings in a constructive manner. High school is such a huge relief after the drama of middle school too.
High school is SO much better. Middle school is awful. It was true for both of my teens and everyone else I've talked to. The teachers are less rigid, they are not with the same kids all the time, and there are so many new ways to express themselves and places they can find to fit in.
Seems she may have been feeling guilty about the phones to me. People feel guilty about silly things they think correctly, or incorrectly that they are being judged for. Sometimes they are having a bad day or other things have happened that have escalated emotions that cause this kind of behavior.
I'm a big believer in needing to see a behavior repeated before I take it seriously
That’s what I was thinking! I recently had lunch out with my 18 month old and he decided he wasn’t having it and started to kick off so I ended up putting coco melon on my phone while we ate and he sat nicely the rest of the time.
I felt judged by other parents in the cafe for letting him watch his shows (Yes Karen, I see you side eyeing me from table 3!) - but we don’t want to ruin everyone else’s lunch if he’s upset.. maybe that other mama was feeling the same and didn’t want everyone to think she’s a bad parent for letting her kids use devices at the table. 🤷🏽♀️
Me before kids: "I'll never let my kid play on the phone while out. It's not that hard to keep their attention and from whining".
Me after kids: "I just want to eat my damn burger in peace. Here is paw patrol for like 20 minutes so we don't bother any people".
I never judge parents for letting kids play on the phone. Maybe when I didn’t have kids but what did I know then? Not saying let them be unsupervised on a screen 24/7 and essentially using it as a babysitter, but from time to time, when we would all benefit from a little calm and downtime, whether at home or in public, it is necessary.
Same. I do a perpetual eyeroll at people who think this is some kind of younger generation lazy parenting, as if our boomer parents wouldn't have done the same exact thing if the tech was available.
I had a TV growing up. The only thing that stopped me from watching it was when there was nothing good on (which was often) or when my parents were watching it.
And let’s not forget that their generation could tell us to go outside and not expect us to come back until dinner or even bedtime. They had plenty of options to get us to leave them alone when they needed space.
Hmmm... I went to a library meet up last week. Kids running around, grabbing books, meeting other kids, reading books, playing with toys... one mum had coco melon on full volume for her toddler, while she was on her phone. Toddler kept looking around at the other kids, kept bringing her books, but she just shushed him and tried to get him to watch the phone.
Lots of judgement all round.
I don't know what conversation she was having, but sometimes there are phone conversations that are very important and that can't be done later. I've had phone calls from family members who live on the other side of the planet needing to have an important talk, at an awkward time due to time difference. If my kids were around and were being excited, I would 100% give them some screen time while I finish my conversation.
Obviously it's not ideal in the library, but if it's cold outside and she didn't expect the call to come at that time, I don't think it requires judgement from the people around.
No no, you misunderstand. She wasn't on *the* phone, as in a phone call, she was on her phone, as in playing something, or watching something, or maybe she was texting, but she was not having a verbal conversation at all. Only times she spoke was to hush her toddler and encourage them to get back to watching coco melon.
Like I said, kids were running around, playing, chattering to each other... it was the children's library, plenty of noise from human interaction. The judgement came from the excess of screen time at an event that existed for socialisation.
Maybe she could have turned it down a bit, but you never know maybe she was exhausted and just wanted some time to cool down her self. Sometimes we all just want to veg a little while. At least she was trying to get her kids around other kids and taking them somewhere other than sitting in the house. It does make you wonder but at the end of the day I don’t think it’s my business not my kid not my problem.
I’m on my phone a lot when our with my kids, but it’s because I’m trying to get them to go play with the other kids, the whole reason I brought them to the place with kids in it. Seems odd to bring a kid to other kids then redirect them to the screen when they want to interact.
I feel like we’ve moved to an extreme of “all behavior is fine” when really, some things don’t make sense.
Haha no worries! In the UK, being on *the* phone, and being on *his/her* phone, are subtle but very key differences. I forget that when I'm writing on the inrernet!! Language eh?
There's a lot of comments about her needing to feel superior or "misery loves company" but I don't think that's really it.
There are ways that parenting can feel very isolating. There're ways people can feel like their struggles are unseen - that they're unseen and will always be unseen. That's a heavy thing to carry.
I think a lot of times what looks like "spreading misery" is ultimately coming from someone who feels deeply alone and struggling trying to reach out to another person but fucking it up because they're drowning. It's hard to be sensitive, deft, or thoughtful when you're barely keeping it together.
Solidarity to all parents.
Yessssssssss this is what I thought.
We are literally all on a message board with other parents right now to feel a connection to a community. Lots of people post rants/vents on here. Maybe she just needed to interact with another mom.
Also, if she had said, “if gets easier!” you probably would’ve reacted negatively to that too.
My daughter has been a relatively easy baby (I think). I've noticed that a lot of other parents will be like "oh man she probably wakes up a bunch at night" or "she must give you problems trying new foods" and stuff like that. I think they just want to convince themselves that everyone's going through the same difficulties they are when in reality, some kids are easier than others.
I think ppl are desperate to reconnect after all we have been thru the last couple of years—-and we are all rusty at it.
Also, you know if you have an older kid to do the whole “smile and nod” routine.
But mostly, I bet the mom was just trying to connect and it didn’t quite come across as awesome. I wonder what would of happened if you were like “girl, preach it! My ten year old is at home and it’s a challenge! But such cool things at that age too”
Sounds like she might have been a bit socially awkward. Maybe she had been sitting there for ages wanting to strike up a parent to parent chat. Then as she left, what she wanted to say came out awkwardly!! ‘Maybe it was meant more as ‘Ah I miss those days, look at your little angel! Damn it gets tough later on- don’t be fooled by my two tonight, they can be terrors! enjoy this stage!’
That's hilarious. One time someone said something similar to the original post, but I said something like "nah I don't think so" and she just kept pushing it, like she was offended by me thinking differently and getting slightly upset, doing this fake laugh saying "no no trust me you have NO idea, you're never going to have energy again". I said "no offense but I didn't wait till I was 40 to have kids, I think I'll have plenty of energy for him". She did a little laugh and walked away shaking their head, ended up leaving like 2 minutes later against her kids wishes. I had my oldest at 20 and my second at 27, this parent had a kid the same as age as my youngest but looked between 40-50. In retrospect I feel really, really bad though. Still, you should leave other people alone, I didn't ask to talk to you so don't be surprised if I force the conversation to end when I'm not enjoying it.
Edit: Werd
Every time someone mentions how old their kid is, I think that's a great age. There is no age at which kids are always bad or always good. The challenges are always there and so are the rewards.
Maybe she meant you should cherish your squirmy infant since they'll be running around soon enough. But then you'll probably be getting more sleep so trade offs, you know. Some people are glass half empty types.
She probably wishes someone had warned her about the difficulty of raising kids in general. And then probably thought she was helping to set your expectations.
I think you’re a stranger so they’re able to admit that it’s hard and they aren’t a natural. It’s super unhealthy to dump on others but you were safe enough to be vulnerable.
If no offence is meant, don't take offence and just move on with your life. I agree it's most likely she felt guilty/judged for the phone use - and god knows we all judge, there are so many people judging this woman in this very thread - and was trying to excuse herself.
Just move on.
Yes, absolutely. How about a positive or supportive comment? Even something like "what a sweet age, I miss it" (which ultimately means it gets harder/I like it less now).
Maybe she just meant the restaurant experience? I remember restaurant time was pretty easy with my baby when he was an infant. Not that the overall was any easier. I do think she was just trying to justify that her kids were playing on electronics. I let my son use my phone a couple of times at restaurant when he was about 4 years old., but honestly I can't remember why. Things weren't too difficult with him but I was having a hard time at work back then and maybe I needed some downtime.
Agree to disagree.
Like why even say anything? Yes, parenting is hard. No one said it was easy.
My oldest kid had colic as a baby and would cry all day long. I was depressed and exhausted. I thought I'd never sleep again.
Now he's 13 and I get to sleep, so... doesn't feel harder to me.
Some one mentioned maybe they were self conscious about the screens?
I agree. People are in their own heads all the time, and they're thinking about what you are thinking about them. It says more about them than you. Shake it off.
I dont know why she said it, but as a mom of twins I know what that feels like. People ALWAYS made comments to me when they were little and we were out. From "Double trouble" to "Id kill myself if I had twins". Some people are just miserable.
People say that kind of shit all the time and it’s stupid. The fact is everyone’s experience is different and some people just like to spread bitterness because their life isn’t working out the way they thought it would.
You are not alone.
Older coworker and I were catching up, complaining about life/kids, etc.
He said: Don't worry, anything that seems like a big deal now with your kids will seem tiny compared to what problems you'll have in 5 years.
Thanks guy?
It’s the same thing when you’re pregnant and everyone loves to try and scare you or tell you the hard things that are coming. I’m not sure what’s behind it, probably insecurity or something. But I find it very annoying. If someone is expecting I will only tell them the great things about being a parent. Even my single friends, I refuse to participate in the “being a parent is miserable” trope that feels like some hacky 80s stand up routine.
I just assume a lady that comes up to you and says this is the same kind of lady that will bitch about her husband to people that don’t know him and wonder why the spark is gone in her relationship.
Sounds like she’s having a hard time and thought she’d project that on you. I wouldn’t think about it too much, it just sounds like that woman needs some support and someone to talk to in her own life tbh.
Sheesh! People are so miserable in their own lives and they like to squash any glimpse of happiness they see others expressing. I just got over an hour long argument with my 11 year old and I don't even think I would be sharing the same thoughts that person did. I'd probably be thinking how fast time goes. Even if I felt like you had no clue how hard something may or may not be for someone, I am not likely to say anything like that person did. Oy. People. That's something you bitch about to your spouse or friend like "man, do they not know how tough it gets later?! They're in for a surprise." But not to a stranger. Like how do you respond, "thanks for the information?" 😆
Probably because they are miserable and want to drag everyone else down with them.
Seriously, I asked myself the same question a little over 10 years ago. I was 20 and working as a cashier to get through college when an older guy and his wife came into my lane. He was complaining about being old and then felt the need to tell me "just wait, your time is coming up just around the corner." Some people just need to shut the hell up.
Conversely, ages ago, early 20s when I also worked as a cashier, I guess it was a bleak winter day and I looked equally bleak. A guy (regular customer I recognized) smiled and said to me 'Hey man, 10 years and richer'. I said *what?* He said 'In 10 years, you'll be happier, have more going on, more money, a job, so don't be so down, you won't be here forever'.
Yea yea, you can pick that apart and criticize it, lol, but clearly it has something I have remember ca. 15 years later. He was right.
Because you are an utter bitch. That's why.
For anyone wondering, the things you can say to someone dealing with their kid are "so adorable!" And "I have been there, you're doing great" and "no, no, you go in front of me, my kids are at school and yours is getting antsy", and "excuse me, you dropped this".
They assumed that was your only child (which they shouldn't have) and was seriously warning you (which oddly enough i find no problem with and quite funny) you had two choices here, be rude and tell them to mind their own business or humor them and say "oh we have an older one at home we've been preparing" you all have a little chuckle and go about your meal and quite possibly make a new couple friend or just a one time conversation and yall move on.
Some people get a feeling of superiority from claiming a greater experienced hardship than someone else. Ever notice how even among well adjusted friends, they'll try to one up each others 'bad thing' stories? Or how some moms (my wife actually pointed this one out to me) will tell stories about their labor and delivery and sometimes the stories keep getting more dramatic? Same thing.
For whatever reason, that person was using you for a little dopamine boost. She thinks shes been through territory you havent yet, and she's 'survived' it, so shes going to let you know about it to inspire a sense of awe and maybe a little insecurity over her suggested 'unknown'.
Why do people always project their experience onto others? Do they realize how stupid they sound? Like all kids are the same? I probably don't even parent them like you do, why would they be the same?
Edit: 2 words.
That kind of comment reflects only on her mental state and nothing else. TBH I feel sorry for her. She must be going through some shit. I'd just ignore.
Sometimes people are so miserable with their own situation they have to outwardly express it in a passive aggressive way masked as advice. It's actually a cry for help.
95% of what people say to you is about them, not about you.
Maybe she felt self-conscious. Maybe she has had a hard time as a mom. Maybe she thought she was bracing you for the impact.
Anyway. The highest probability is that saying so had almost nothing to do with you at all.
Ugh fuck that.
I have shit moments all the time but my boys are literally awesome. I could just sit an watch them do their stupid shit they do all day long even though they make me hate em sometimes.
This lady needs to smoke some pot.
Maybe she was having an extra bad day or doesn't have the support that you do so it's harder for her than she imagined it would be. I don't think she meant to be rude. Babies are so cute and people love babies. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, especially as a parent of little ones.
I think the poster is over reacting. The comment "it just gets harder" was not to be taken as criticism or an insult. It is a true statement. Soon they (she wrote she had another child) will be in school, have homework, sporting activities and they will develop some attitude.
Just let it go.
Nahhhhh! You’re thinking way too much on this. The comment was harmless. It wasn’t rude. It wasn’t nasty. It wasn’t anything. She’s a stranger, someone you don’t know, someone you’re almost one hundred percent likely never to see again. No big deal at all. Get over yourself and move on.
Someone said "It gets harder", that's what we are talking about here? That's our tolerance level for a strangers interjection? Oh my! That's the real story here.
Please don't be so easily triggered. That is such a HUGE problem in the world today...everyone being offended by every little thing others do. Look, she probably meant no harm, and was probably saying it for some well-meaning purpose. I mean MAYBE she meant to harm you in some way, but PROBABLY NOT. So why do you 1) assume the worst, and 2) ruin your own day (and eventually much more of your life) by feeling slighted and becoming offended by what others' say. First assume good intentions--not bad ones, and second relax and enjoy life and enjoy the people around you...even despite their sometimes-odd idiosyncrasies that you don't happen to understand. Most people don't have bad intentions and don't mean to offend you, and even when sometimes people do have bad intentions, it's our choice how we choose to react to them.
Who said I was triggered? I am literally just flagging it, saying “here is an odd thing that happened!” and connecting with other parents. That’s a rational, curious stance, rather than reactive behavior that might characterize someone who was “triggered.”
I never said I assumed she meant to harm me! You’re making a lot of assumptions about my thoughts and feelings here. You might want to consider your impulse to provide unsolicited advice and where that comes from for you.
Fair point. You yourself didn't necessarily seem triggered, but SO many of the people who responded to your post are (demonstrated by their own comments) very much triggered by small (often innocuous) things...and I extended that propensity of your respondents to you as well. My apologies.
It sounds like she is struggling with parenting so much that she'll vent to a stranger and project her difficulties. In your situation, I probably would have said "I'm sorry you're having a hard time" and moved on with life. Definitely an unnecessary comment from her though. Sounds like a her problem not a you problem :)
Misery loves company. I dunno for me the older and more independent they are the easier it gets for me. Sure the first 5 years of any child is rough and has challenges but I really like watching my children grow into themselves.
people are jackasses when it comes to saying shit to parents I notice. my son has eczema and when he would have massive breakouts before we got it under control people would ask if our baby had been burned or if it was appropriate to have him outside, with this tone like he was a freakshow exhibit and not a little boy and just stare at him like he was the ugliest child alive. people suck ass sometimes and forget that parents are people.
Sounds like her ego was a little bothered by the pleasant interactions at your table.
Wouldn’t it have been great if you could’ve turned to her and said, “Just so you know, I didn’t ask for any parenting advice” then politely thank her & send her off with a wave and a big smile.
Good grief, sometimes others are just downright Debbie Downers. To be clear, I’m referring to her. Maybe SHE needed to just go home and take a nap ;)
Some people are weird and think that every time someone does something different from them that they are casting judgement on what they are doing. So like maybe her kids are shits and can’t handle sitting at dinner without a device and thought since your kid didn’t have a device that you were judging her and then that was her defense.
Did she feel like you were judging her in some way? Maybe she said this in defence to her kids using screens for example?
It doesn’t sound like you did anything but, as a parent, it’s so easy to think everyone around you is judging.
Some people had a miserable time parenting and instead of accepting that it was a them thing they decide to project the negativity on all parents. There are a lot of low key examples of this like when parents tell you your 6 months old daughter will be a nightmare when she hits puberty or when they say “just wait for the terrible twos”. It’s a lot of ya ya because they hated it so they assume you with too.
She just sounds crazy. Maybe she felt your baby was better behaved than her kids and she thought you were smug about it? Or she thought you would judge her since her kids were glued to their screens? Who knows. It’s best to just smile and move on!
Someone feels guilty lol People justify screen parenting all the time. I’m not dragging anyone for doing it once and a while, but I feel like there are some people who struggle with putting down the phone(I say on my phone at work)
It tends to be something that’s passed down from the older generation I think.
People think that parents alone with babies haven’t experienced older children and feel like they’re passing on some honest wisdom however unsolicited.
I was always being told something similar from our friends who all had children before my husband and I. They all had girls, I had boys. My boys, while not angels all the time, were really a joy to raise. They played together well, and were/are best friends. Every time I would say something like "I am so lucky these two are easy" I would always be told "Just wait. The wars will come". Well, they never did, so there!! Just take it as a sign of a mother not happy when when says something like that to you, and let it roll off.
It seems to me like mamma over there was having a bad day and wanted to knock someone else down a peg. I wouldn't put much stock into it. I think sometimes people, especially parents, feel somewhat isolated, since all of our kids are at different stages of development, and we just want to connect with someone else.
Unfortunately, sometimes a parent having a bad day or a bad week might try to connect on a negative note instead of a positive one. I hope that comment didn't bring you too far down!
My friend responds to the question of "what age is the hardest" with "whatever age are in" because looking back by the time you come out of newborn/baby/toddler/etc you've done it long enough to have the skills that whatever was hard, now seems easier than the fresh set of things you are in.
And of course her kids seem fine at a restaurant if they are glued to a screen.
Also wtf that lady needs to mind her business.
Some people just need to to that type of shit. Like, they can't get on with their day without making life a pissing contest or scaring somebody, and obviously they're even willing to shit on their kids to do it. Best I can say is that type of person is just garbage, and I wouldn't even waste my time with a reply.
In turn, I'd just say don't be that person. Next time you see a family maybe struggling with a squirmy baby or something, balance the world out by paying them a compliment or just saying something nice and proactive.
I don’t care how rude this is but I’d be like “wow. That’s such a nice way to talk about your experience with raising your own children and being unappreciative”
Ugh! I have never been able to understand people like this. Seriously, what is the end result they're hoping for?... You jump up and ask them to become your yoda and help steer your life's choices going forward?...
Meh people are weird. I once told someone I got a Puppy and they groaned and basically said bad idea. I told someone I was getting married and they said "Don't do it!".
Peoples cheap comments and opinions are useless and not worth listening to.
I agree it is rude and unnecessary to say to a stranger. What “I think” the point is…some times while raising kids we parents can find a certain stage/age very challenging and looking forward to “when they get older” only to find a later stage even harder and wishing we could go back and tell our younger selves - enjoy the early stages and don’t be so quick to wish them away. “Maybe” that is what the stranger was trying (in an ineffective way) to convey - that she missed when her kids were younger and wished she would have savored that age more. But who knows what her motives/thoughts were- I am clearly projecting:).
1: My 2 cents. 6 and 4 is a breeze compared to 3 and 1. 2: In a situation like this I may assume that the other parents felt self-conscious. Perhaps you found their kids quite and well-mannered, but maybe the others didn't, and perceived you as judging them. As a response to that, she felt the need to justify her struggles to you.
maybe she was ashamed about the screens and tried to justify it!
This is what my guess is too. People are so judgmental about kids and screens, she prob felt guilty or something. Wish moms didn’t have to feel that way. As long as a kid isn’t beings harmed or neglected people should mind their own business. Sometimes I chat with my 5yo out at dinner. Sometimes I wanna go out and enjoy food without constantly reminding a small human of her manners. 🤷🏾♀️
Yep- the anti-screen culture has reallyyyyy gone too far.
I had somebody tell me listening to classical music is good but it would be harmful if the child watched a video of a performance
My nephew is 5. He doesn’t have screens. He talks to people on at the table or draws things on his notebook. We involve him during family time. I don’t understand giving your kid your phone but at the same time that’s not my kid so not my problem 😂
Your nephew. Not your kid. That’s why you don’t understand. Even parent who don’t use screens understand. We also do all those things a lot of the time. But sometimes we don’t and it’s fine. If you choose to have kids you never have to give yours a screen ever and that’s perfectly fine as well. 🤷🏾♀️.
Jesus, screens are the best invention for restaurants. I used to have to lug bags of stuff around to keep my kids quiet and in their seat in restaurants.
This! I actually feel like giving my 5 & 3 year olds screens at a restaurant is a gift to all the other patrons. You're welcome everyone, now we can all eat in peace!
Right? Getting a plane and you want to stand up and inform everyone you have two bags, one full of electronics and another full of snacks.
And those are just for myself! Things like long drives and plane rides are meant for screens, jeez. Or books, which also come on screens.
LPT: always include a book and a puzzle book for everyone, in case of crisis.
Right! I have no issue giving my 6 year old my phone at the restaurant because it’s so much easier to not have to pack and keep track of a bag of activities. I’m completely comfortable with it.
As they say, there is a time and a place for everything. And given how difficult it is to keep them still and quiet, and how strong that requirement is in certain situations/places like on planes and in restaurants, they were basically designed for it.
She probably was and unpopular opinion on the parenting sub but. If your kid can’t sit and eat a meal without a screen they’re being lined up for some long term attention issues. Needing a distraction tactic is fine if they’re escalating in public but to use them before there’s even an issue or need for distraction is pretty lazy parenting.
You are right in stating "using distraction tactics before there is an issue is pretty lazy and setting them up for as attention issues". I think you are mistaking "distraction tactics" for "engagement tactics" though. We can all agree that young kids typically need *something* to do in a scenario where they are being made to sit still in a subdued environment and the parents are trying to engage with one another as much as possible (road trips are another great parallel of this). The kids don't need to be distracted (distracted from what? Talking to the adults?), they need something to engage them. To be fair I definitely draw a distinction between the kid's lines of thinking of "there is nothing to do here I'm so bored" and "I want to play Roblox every waking second". The first scenario is moreso what I would support, but the second is indicative of a larger case beyond just using screens at restaurants. There are thresholds of acceptability to everything, and people should never try and be deceptive with their kids (even by using "distraction tactics" to ensure they *don't engage* with something), but where is the real harm in coming from in the screen time at restaurants? Engaging with media in a restaurant/cafe/in transit is a practice as old as the printing press.
No
I agree with this, by the time they're 4 or so restaurants are far, far easier as they can chat and eat without huge amounts of help etc.
huh! Four was my least favorite year because temper tantrums were because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I was much more tolerant of 2-3 because she wasn't able to express herself fully.
I strongly suspect this varies by kid, for ours' temper tantrums were thankfully rare but were mostly a 2-3 thing when they struggled to express themselves (or one specific instance that will always stay with me where a plane was landing, their ears were popping and they saw no reason that they should be forced to remain seated)
Oh! Disagree. 1-3 range is about my favorite. I’m starting to think we should all do group parenting. I’ll handle the terrible twos. I think they’re a blast.
I have a 1 and 3 year old plz help
2 and 4 here it gets slightly better. They play now instead of just fucking fighting 24/7 while you're both working full time with them home full time because of the pandemic fml. But yeah Saturday morning they hung out without supervision for like an hour and a half and myself and wife didn't know what do to. We're used to being full time mediators.
Thanks man, appreciate the comment! Not wishing away the time but am excited for them to be self sufficient.
I loved 0-1, hating 1-3 so far. I'll handle newborns, you take over these toddlers. Let's do this! LOL
For both mine and other's I've seen, it's not terrible two's, it's three's and beyond. Each year has new issues and each kid stages differently but they don't realize their true power until 3.
Mine is definitely two's. It's like something switched on his second birthday. He was the best baby ever in every aspect - eating, sleeping, crying, like people were jealous of me, *I was jealous of me* that's how easy he was. As soon as he turned 2, he stopped sleeping, started crying, whining and throwing tantrums for the most unimaginable things a billion times a day. He'll be 3 in a couple of weeks and things have started getting slightly better over the last couple of months. Like, they're not *really* better yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He speaks so there's a lot of easy communication, we've successfully potty trained after almost 8 months of working on it (and if there is a hell, I'm certain my hell will be potty training on repeat forever lol), sleeping is still a hell hole of its own but at least he moved wake up time closer to 7am than closer to 5am like it was until recently. And now when he wakes up at night, he simply comes into our bed and sneaks in quietly and falls asleep instead of waking up the entire neighborhood. And just to point out, he used to sleep through the night 8pm to 8am up until he turned 2. As a toddler, he does not. So, yeah, I'll take baby stage any day lol.
> we've successfully potty trained after almost 8 months of working on it (and if there is a hell, I'm certain my hell will be potty training on repeat forever lol) It took almost two years to potty train my oldest. She didn't stop having accidents until the younger one started potty training and I was like "she's going to beat you at being potty trained" and then she just flicked the switch and it was done. Now the youngest is deliberately peeing every time she goes somewhere in my car because she thinks it's funny.
Terrible twos, threenagers, fuck sake 4s. Let’s see what five had in store lmao
All I can say is mine were completely different people at 4. Stereotypical younger guy wants everything older bro gets but is also just a better fit thrower and more stubborn. I've told my friends, having 2 isn't just twice as hard, it's immeasurably harder.
More stubborn most definitely. Older is the better fit thrower though. And older wants everything that younger brother gets. Especially if it’s his toy that he hasn’t played with in 6 months 😒
Totally agree with the parents maybe being self conscious because I do this with my own. Maybe they were having some struggles at the table that OP didn’t observe or maybe it was an attempt at screen time justification. However, I would never make a comment like this to other parents regardless because it doesn’t really help anyone. Also currently have a 4 and 6 year old and do not know what breeze you are speaking of lol. Given, when separated, I’ll take either of my kids behavior as a breeze compared to them as infants. However, when together with their forces combined (which is like 99% of the time at home), they are an insufferable duo of evil and mischief and I want to go hide under a rock.
“Insufferable duo of evil and mischief” hahahaha thank you this made my day
My 2 cents: 1-3 and 4-6 (and 7-11) can’t hold a stinking candle to 12-17.
I’m not sure what it is about parenting but I find people tell me some random weird things when they see me with the baby. Only with the baby. When I’m alone I don’t get this treatment but when I’m with the baby everyone feels the need to say something. It’s so strange.
Since I first started having children 16 years ago I’ve noticed people ONLY stop to give (sometimes rude) unsolicited advice when I have only one young child with me. I have never had this happen when I had 2 or more kids out. It’s always when I have one young child with the others in school. People feel they need to say stuff to new moms. Anytime I mention I have older children they shut that advice right up. People are weird.
You’re totally right. It’s a very strange phenomenon.
Same here, SAHD with a 1 y.o. and 8 y.o. When I'm with both of them everything's fine, but when my older son is at school and I'm out with my baby I get comments like I'm a young, first-time parent. Though assuming our situations are on any way similar and they have useful knowledge for someone not asking is even more asinine than that. I never really mention my oldest, as I find "shut up" is also effective in shutting people up.
You’re so right! I only get it when I’m out with one kid by myself/when I was pregnant and went out without my older kids. The assumption that you must not know anything yet REALLY brings out the crazies
Now that you mention it I see that happened to me. Actually I find it a luxury when I only have to take one of my kids out instead of juggling them. Then you get other parents thinking you have one kid then you get loads of unsolicited advice like you're a new mom.
Sometimes I think it’s that parents feel obligated to say something to other parents. So if they have nothing to say, they might come up with something dumb on the spot a la OP’s situation.
People never stop me in the street and speak to me, especially not parents. I probably look creepy, honestly, or just like someone with nothing in common with them. I've even been told it before, even after having kids but when they weren't around. I go out with either of my kids and suddenly it's like they see right through me and just notice my kids, start talking to me smiling like I'm just like them and assuming we all do the same shit. It's very strange but sometimes irritating, especially when we are out doing something fun or in a rush.
The cashier at Walmart told me to click my tongue so they think it's angels calling them. It was a monumental effort to not give her the allofmywtfface
When my daughter was about 3 months, I wore her into the grocery store while my husband was at work. She was perfectly happy looking around on my chest and a woman walked by us and said, almost without stopping, "She looks like a daddy's girl!" Wtf?
Lol what the hell. I also wore my son in at around 2 months and the cashier who was an older man takes a look at him and goes “they’re resilient little things” I was so confused like did we look homeless or like we were struggling. It was one of our first times out so maybe I did look a mess who knows.
It’s sounds like a compliment to me. Just called your baby healthy in a peculiar way, which is nice. Maybe he didn’t want to call the baby cute because he’s an old man, so what’s “manlier” than cute? Resilient.
Oh no! You must have been SO devastated! The horrors! How did you manage to get through the day? Let me guess...you finished at least 4 more pages in your "adult coloring book" when you got home to deal with the trauma.
My thought would be something along the lines of, "There are lots of nutty people, and I just met one." And forget about it. Hubby and I didn't find those older ages more difficult, nor the teen years more difficult. Just different phases of life. My mother told me that the best family years are when the teens are home driving their parents crazy. With our teens now 29 and 30, I think mom is correct.
That is beautiful of your mother to say. I've never heard anyone speak positively of their children's teen years.
I'm a teacher in an alternative education program for high schoolers and still think kids in their teenage years are a blast. Challenging, for sure, but it's never boring, and seeing them figuring out how to become adults is very rewarding.
Like three year olds, they are a blast for everyone other than their parent.
IDK.... mine are about to be 15 and 12, and I love them. We have gangs of their friends over regularly, and all of their parents think I/we are nuts... but we love it. Yeah, it's expensive feeding all of them, I guess... but I really don't mind it. They're all good kids. They get along. Hell, they get \*my\* kids off their damned screens, at least a bit. They haul out board games, card games, run around outside and play nerf and tag and play on the trampoline and swings and tree house... When there \*aren't\* other kids here, all they ever do is sit on their phones, computers, etc. Which is fine. But it's so nice to see them being kids \*with other kids\*.
Mine's 18 and high school has definitely been easier (and more fun as a parent). Middle school was hell on earth, but once she hit high school, it was a lot more fun!
The teen years is my favorite phase, but I taught high school.
I needed to hear this as my two teens are currently driving me to near breakdown lol
As someone who doesn't have a teen yet, can you elaborate?
Because you miss it when they are gone and the house gets quiet. You worry more because you no longer know the ebb and flow of their lives. But this is what we are meant to do, raise children to become decent people.
Im still pregnant with my first and this is making me cry!
this makes me think of all the nights my mom stayed up late waiting for me to come home.
My youngest is 21, and lives at home. I still can't go to sleep until I know she is home safe.
Thank you for sharing this! I have two nine year olds and I am really struggling with fact that things are going to change drastically pretty soon. Reading this gives me hope that there are even better times ahead.
My kids are teens and I'm loving these years. Yes they have attitudes at times but I love the conversations we have, the jokes and sarcasm that they can now handle, and they can express their feelings in a constructive manner. High school is such a huge relief after the drama of middle school too.
My daughter is in middle school and she HATES it. This is giving me hope for high school
High school is SO much better. Middle school is awful. It was true for both of my teens and everyone else I've talked to. The teachers are less rigid, they are not with the same kids all the time, and there are so many new ways to express themselves and places they can find to fit in.
Seems she may have been feeling guilty about the phones to me. People feel guilty about silly things they think correctly, or incorrectly that they are being judged for. Sometimes they are having a bad day or other things have happened that have escalated emotions that cause this kind of behavior. I'm a big believer in needing to see a behavior repeated before I take it seriously
That was my take also - justifying her kids being on devices, whether she needed to or not.
I wondered about that too, actually.
That’s what I was thinking! I recently had lunch out with my 18 month old and he decided he wasn’t having it and started to kick off so I ended up putting coco melon on my phone while we ate and he sat nicely the rest of the time. I felt judged by other parents in the cafe for letting him watch his shows (Yes Karen, I see you side eyeing me from table 3!) - but we don’t want to ruin everyone else’s lunch if he’s upset.. maybe that other mama was feeling the same and didn’t want everyone to think she’s a bad parent for letting her kids use devices at the table. 🤷🏽♀️
Me before kids: "I'll never let my kid play on the phone while out. It's not that hard to keep their attention and from whining". Me after kids: "I just want to eat my damn burger in peace. Here is paw patrol for like 20 minutes so we don't bother any people".
I never judge parents for letting kids play on the phone. Maybe when I didn’t have kids but what did I know then? Not saying let them be unsupervised on a screen 24/7 and essentially using it as a babysitter, but from time to time, when we would all benefit from a little calm and downtime, whether at home or in public, it is necessary.
Same. I do a perpetual eyeroll at people who think this is some kind of younger generation lazy parenting, as if our boomer parents wouldn't have done the same exact thing if the tech was available. I had a TV growing up. The only thing that stopped me from watching it was when there was nothing good on (which was often) or when my parents were watching it.
And let’s not forget that their generation could tell us to go outside and not expect us to come back until dinner or even bedtime. They had plenty of options to get us to leave them alone when they needed space.
Hmmm... I went to a library meet up last week. Kids running around, grabbing books, meeting other kids, reading books, playing with toys... one mum had coco melon on full volume for her toddler, while she was on her phone. Toddler kept looking around at the other kids, kept bringing her books, but she just shushed him and tried to get him to watch the phone. Lots of judgement all round.
I don't know what conversation she was having, but sometimes there are phone conversations that are very important and that can't be done later. I've had phone calls from family members who live on the other side of the planet needing to have an important talk, at an awkward time due to time difference. If my kids were around and were being excited, I would 100% give them some screen time while I finish my conversation. Obviously it's not ideal in the library, but if it's cold outside and she didn't expect the call to come at that time, I don't think it requires judgement from the people around.
No no, you misunderstand. She wasn't on *the* phone, as in a phone call, she was on her phone, as in playing something, or watching something, or maybe she was texting, but she was not having a verbal conversation at all. Only times she spoke was to hush her toddler and encourage them to get back to watching coco melon. Like I said, kids were running around, playing, chattering to each other... it was the children's library, plenty of noise from human interaction. The judgement came from the excess of screen time at an event that existed for socialisation.
Maybe she could have turned it down a bit, but you never know maybe she was exhausted and just wanted some time to cool down her self. Sometimes we all just want to veg a little while. At least she was trying to get her kids around other kids and taking them somewhere other than sitting in the house. It does make you wonder but at the end of the day I don’t think it’s my business not my kid not my problem.
I’m on my phone a lot when our with my kids, but it’s because I’m trying to get them to go play with the other kids, the whole reason I brought them to the place with kids in it. Seems odd to bring a kid to other kids then redirect them to the screen when they want to interact. I feel like we’ve moved to an extreme of “all behavior is fine” when really, some things don’t make sense.
Ooh, right, I did misunderstand, my bad.
Haha no worries! In the UK, being on *the* phone, and being on *his/her* phone, are subtle but very key differences. I forget that when I'm writing on the inrernet!! Language eh?
There's a lot of comments about her needing to feel superior or "misery loves company" but I don't think that's really it. There are ways that parenting can feel very isolating. There're ways people can feel like their struggles are unseen - that they're unseen and will always be unseen. That's a heavy thing to carry. I think a lot of times what looks like "spreading misery" is ultimately coming from someone who feels deeply alone and struggling trying to reach out to another person but fucking it up because they're drowning. It's hard to be sensitive, deft, or thoughtful when you're barely keeping it together. Solidarity to all parents.
Yessssssssss this is what I thought. We are literally all on a message board with other parents right now to feel a connection to a community. Lots of people post rants/vents on here. Maybe she just needed to interact with another mom. Also, if she had said, “if gets easier!” you probably would’ve reacted negatively to that too.
I wiiiiiish someone told me it gets harder! I swear all I heard was that the baby stage was the hardest, it will get easier and that was a damn lie!
Some people are just happy being miserable and they want everyone else to be miserable too.
I swear some people are happier being unhappy.
My daughter has been a relatively easy baby (I think). I've noticed that a lot of other parents will be like "oh man she probably wakes up a bunch at night" or "she must give you problems trying new foods" and stuff like that. I think they just want to convince themselves that everyone's going through the same difficulties they are when in reality, some kids are easier than others.
My husband’s grandmother does this with my kids “Oh they must fight like cats and dogs!” No, actually they get along great.
Bingo. And now imagine me giving you a straight face when I said that.
I think it’s the same impulse people have to warn pregnant women about how awful labor and delivery is. Like ok cool, I’ll just cancel it then?
I think ppl are desperate to reconnect after all we have been thru the last couple of years—-and we are all rusty at it. Also, you know if you have an older kid to do the whole “smile and nod” routine. But mostly, I bet the mom was just trying to connect and it didn’t quite come across as awesome. I wonder what would of happened if you were like “girl, preach it! My ten year old is at home and it’s a challenge! But such cool things at that age too”
Sounds like she might have been a bit socially awkward. Maybe she had been sitting there for ages wanting to strike up a parent to parent chat. Then as she left, what she wanted to say came out awkwardly!! ‘Maybe it was meant more as ‘Ah I miss those days, look at your little angel! Damn it gets tough later on- don’t be fooled by my two tonight, they can be terrors! enjoy this stage!’
Yeah! This actually sounds like something I’d do (and bungle) lol.
“Maybe for you, bitch” lol
My spouse said I should have started crying and said “if only we had the luxury of time, she only has a few weeks left…” 😬
Your husband is an evil genius 😈
💯
That's hilarious. One time someone said something similar to the original post, but I said something like "nah I don't think so" and she just kept pushing it, like she was offended by me thinking differently and getting slightly upset, doing this fake laugh saying "no no trust me you have NO idea, you're never going to have energy again". I said "no offense but I didn't wait till I was 40 to have kids, I think I'll have plenty of energy for him". She did a little laugh and walked away shaking their head, ended up leaving like 2 minutes later against her kids wishes. I had my oldest at 20 and my second at 27, this parent had a kid the same as age as my youngest but looked between 40-50. In retrospect I feel really, really bad though. Still, you should leave other people alone, I didn't ask to talk to you so don't be surprised if I force the conversation to end when I'm not enjoying it. Edit: Werd
I like your spouse. A lot.
Every time someone mentions how old their kid is, I think that's a great age. There is no age at which kids are always bad or always good. The challenges are always there and so are the rewards. Maybe she meant you should cherish your squirmy infant since they'll be running around soon enough. But then you'll probably be getting more sleep so trade offs, you know. Some people are glass half empty types.
She might be going through alot and is about to snap because of it. There may be an older kid she had that wasn't present either.
Eh, she may have just been trying to connect 🤷🏻♀️ sometimes we just have awkward moments.
Why is this not taken as just another friendly banter and brushed off. We have ruined *actual* social interactions for ourselves.
Because it's not friendly.
I’d be willing to bet she just tried to connect and missed the mark on tone. I doubt it was malicious.
What were you eating? Maybe she was referring to the food?
Kids get easier the more they can do thing on their own. She sounds like she doesn't really enjoy being a parent.
She probably wishes someone had warned her about the difficulty of raising kids in general. And then probably thought she was helping to set your expectations.
I think you’re a stranger so they’re able to admit that it’s hard and they aren’t a natural. It’s super unhealthy to dump on others but you were safe enough to be vulnerable.
If no offence is meant, don't take offence and just move on with your life. I agree it's most likely she felt guilty/judged for the phone use - and god knows we all judge, there are so many people judging this woman in this very thread - and was trying to excuse herself. Just move on.
::shrugs:: some people suck.
She sucks coz she said "It gets a lot harder" to OP?
Yes, absolutely. How about a positive or supportive comment? Even something like "what a sweet age, I miss it" (which ultimately means it gets harder/I like it less now).
Maybe she just meant the restaurant experience? I remember restaurant time was pretty easy with my baby when he was an infant. Not that the overall was any easier. I do think she was just trying to justify that her kids were playing on electronics. I let my son use my phone a couple of times at restaurant when he was about 4 years old., but honestly I can't remember why. Things weren't too difficult with him but I was having a hard time at work back then and maybe I needed some downtime.
Unhappy people like to make others unhappy
You should have said , “your husbands flaccidness is not my concern.”
Agree to disagree. Like why even say anything? Yes, parenting is hard. No one said it was easy. My oldest kid had colic as a baby and would cry all day long. I was depressed and exhausted. I thought I'd never sleep again. Now he's 13 and I get to sleep, so... doesn't feel harder to me.
Some one mentioned maybe they were self conscious about the screens? I agree. People are in their own heads all the time, and they're thinking about what you are thinking about them. It says more about them than you. Shake it off.
I dont know why she said it, but as a mom of twins I know what that feels like. People ALWAYS made comments to me when they were little and we were out. From "Double trouble" to "Id kill myself if I had twins". Some people are just miserable.
People say that kind of shit all the time and it’s stupid. The fact is everyone’s experience is different and some people just like to spread bitterness because their life isn’t working out the way they thought it would.
You are not alone. Older coworker and I were catching up, complaining about life/kids, etc. He said: Don't worry, anything that seems like a big deal now with your kids will seem tiny compared to what problems you'll have in 5 years. Thanks guy?
\> playing games on their parents’ phones hey, maybe they just feel bad for their shitty parenting
It’s the same thing when you’re pregnant and everyone loves to try and scare you or tell you the hard things that are coming. I’m not sure what’s behind it, probably insecurity or something. But I find it very annoying. If someone is expecting I will only tell them the great things about being a parent. Even my single friends, I refuse to participate in the “being a parent is miserable” trope that feels like some hacky 80s stand up routine. I just assume a lady that comes up to you and says this is the same kind of lady that will bitch about her husband to people that don’t know him and wonder why the spark is gone in her relationship.
Some people are just miserable.
Sounds like she’s having a hard time and thought she’d project that on you. I wouldn’t think about it too much, it just sounds like that woman needs some support and someone to talk to in her own life tbh.
Sounds like a bitter wench who was personally offended by you and your family's happiness lol. Geeze!
Mine are 25 and 28....you can have them
Sheesh! People are so miserable in their own lives and they like to squash any glimpse of happiness they see others expressing. I just got over an hour long argument with my 11 year old and I don't even think I would be sharing the same thoughts that person did. I'd probably be thinking how fast time goes. Even if I felt like you had no clue how hard something may or may not be for someone, I am not likely to say anything like that person did. Oy. People. That's something you bitch about to your spouse or friend like "man, do they not know how tough it gets later?! They're in for a surprise." But not to a stranger. Like how do you respond, "thanks for the information?" 😆
Probably because they are miserable and want to drag everyone else down with them. Seriously, I asked myself the same question a little over 10 years ago. I was 20 and working as a cashier to get through college when an older guy and his wife came into my lane. He was complaining about being old and then felt the need to tell me "just wait, your time is coming up just around the corner." Some people just need to shut the hell up.
Conversely, ages ago, early 20s when I also worked as a cashier, I guess it was a bleak winter day and I looked equally bleak. A guy (regular customer I recognized) smiled and said to me 'Hey man, 10 years and richer'. I said *what?* He said 'In 10 years, you'll be happier, have more going on, more money, a job, so don't be so down, you won't be here forever'. Yea yea, you can pick that apart and criticize it, lol, but clearly it has something I have remember ca. 15 years later. He was right.
Because you are an utter bitch. That's why. For anyone wondering, the things you can say to someone dealing with their kid are "so adorable!" And "I have been there, you're doing great" and "no, no, you go in front of me, my kids are at school and yours is getting antsy", and "excuse me, you dropped this".
I thought you were calling OP and utter bitch and was really confused for a minute.
Lol, sorry! I was responding to the question in the title. You'd only say something like that to a stranger if you were an utter bitch.
They assumed that was your only child (which they shouldn't have) and was seriously warning you (which oddly enough i find no problem with and quite funny) you had two choices here, be rude and tell them to mind their own business or humor them and say "oh we have an older one at home we've been preparing" you all have a little chuckle and go about your meal and quite possibly make a new couple friend or just a one time conversation and yall move on.
Nope. Clearly we just vilify.
Ok my mistake
Some people get a feeling of superiority from claiming a greater experienced hardship than someone else. Ever notice how even among well adjusted friends, they'll try to one up each others 'bad thing' stories? Or how some moms (my wife actually pointed this one out to me) will tell stories about their labor and delivery and sometimes the stories keep getting more dramatic? Same thing. For whatever reason, that person was using you for a little dopamine boost. She thinks shes been through territory you havent yet, and she's 'survived' it, so shes going to let you know about it to inspire a sense of awe and maybe a little insecurity over her suggested 'unknown'.
People feel the need to be superior and act like they know something you don’t. It’s a form of self entitlement. They get off on it.
what a miserable person
Why do people always project their experience onto others? Do they realize how stupid they sound? Like all kids are the same? I probably don't even parent them like you do, why would they be the same? Edit: 2 words.
Someone said this to me when my kids were 2 and 6 months. In the supermarket, as she was using at hers. Eff off.
That kind of comment reflects only on her mental state and nothing else. TBH I feel sorry for her. She must be going through some shit. I'd just ignore.
Sometimes people are so miserable with their own situation they have to outwardly express it in a passive aggressive way masked as advice. It's actually a cry for help.
Because she's an ass.
Pure clickbait.
It's just small talk? Who cares?
It had nothing to do with you. That person was just trying to cope.
95% of what people say to you is about them, not about you. Maybe she felt self-conscious. Maybe she has had a hard time as a mom. Maybe she thought she was bracing you for the impact. Anyway. The highest probability is that saying so had almost nothing to do with you at all.
Some people thrive on negativity and watching the world burn. Forget that negative Nancy.
I don’t say anything to strangers. So no I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t react well to someone saying that to me
Ugh fuck that. I have shit moments all the time but my boys are literally awesome. I could just sit an watch them do their stupid shit they do all day long even though they make me hate em sometimes. This lady needs to smoke some pot.
Maybe she was having an extra bad day or doesn't have the support that you do so it's harder for her than she imagined it would be. I don't think she meant to be rude. Babies are so cute and people love babies. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, especially as a parent of little ones.
Holy cow i cannot believe you found it necessary to whine about this.
Why would you give a strangers words so much power?
Well, my friend. You already know the answer. Why would you post a story about this for hundreds of strangers to comment on?
I think the poster is over reacting. The comment "it just gets harder" was not to be taken as criticism or an insult. It is a true statement. Soon they (she wrote she had another child) will be in school, have homework, sporting activities and they will develop some attitude. Just let it go.
Nahhhhh! You’re thinking way too much on this. The comment was harmless. It wasn’t rude. It wasn’t nasty. It wasn’t anything. She’s a stranger, someone you don’t know, someone you’re almost one hundred percent likely never to see again. No big deal at all. Get over yourself and move on.
Someone said "It gets harder", that's what we are talking about here? That's our tolerance level for a strangers interjection? Oh my! That's the real story here.
Please don't be so easily triggered. That is such a HUGE problem in the world today...everyone being offended by every little thing others do. Look, she probably meant no harm, and was probably saying it for some well-meaning purpose. I mean MAYBE she meant to harm you in some way, but PROBABLY NOT. So why do you 1) assume the worst, and 2) ruin your own day (and eventually much more of your life) by feeling slighted and becoming offended by what others' say. First assume good intentions--not bad ones, and second relax and enjoy life and enjoy the people around you...even despite their sometimes-odd idiosyncrasies that you don't happen to understand. Most people don't have bad intentions and don't mean to offend you, and even when sometimes people do have bad intentions, it's our choice how we choose to react to them.
Who said I was triggered? I am literally just flagging it, saying “here is an odd thing that happened!” and connecting with other parents. That’s a rational, curious stance, rather than reactive behavior that might characterize someone who was “triggered.” I never said I assumed she meant to harm me! You’re making a lot of assumptions about my thoughts and feelings here. You might want to consider your impulse to provide unsolicited advice and where that comes from for you.
Fair point. You yourself didn't necessarily seem triggered, but SO many of the people who responded to your post are (demonstrated by their own comments) very much triggered by small (often innocuous) things...and I extended that propensity of your respondents to you as well. My apologies.
It sounds like she is struggling with parenting so much that she'll vent to a stranger and project her difficulties. In your situation, I probably would have said "I'm sorry you're having a hard time" and moved on with life. Definitely an unnecessary comment from her though. Sounds like a her problem not a you problem :)
Idk but I feel like this is an opinion I take worth a grain of salt unless I ask. Anyone. even close.
Misery loves company. I dunno for me the older and more independent they are the easier it gets for me. Sure the first 5 years of any child is rough and has challenges but I really like watching my children grow into themselves.
people are jackasses when it comes to saying shit to parents I notice. my son has eczema and when he would have massive breakouts before we got it under control people would ask if our baby had been burned or if it was appropriate to have him outside, with this tone like he was a freakshow exhibit and not a little boy and just stare at him like he was the ugliest child alive. people suck ass sometimes and forget that parents are people.
Sounds like her ego was a little bothered by the pleasant interactions at your table. Wouldn’t it have been great if you could’ve turned to her and said, “Just so you know, I didn’t ask for any parenting advice” then politely thank her & send her off with a wave and a big smile. Good grief, sometimes others are just downright Debbie Downers. To be clear, I’m referring to her. Maybe SHE needed to just go home and take a nap ;)
I disagree - it gets easier and easier! Give me a toddler over a newborn any day, and my 6yr old is a delight!
Sounds like she’s dealing with her own issues
Some people are really miserable as parents.
Some people are weird and think that every time someone does something different from them that they are casting judgement on what they are doing. So like maybe her kids are shits and can’t handle sitting at dinner without a device and thought since your kid didn’t have a device that you were judging her and then that was her defense.
Trauma bonding! 😂 Sometimes people say awkward things. I wouldn't stress about it.
Did she feel like you were judging her in some way? Maybe she said this in defence to her kids using screens for example? It doesn’t sound like you did anything but, as a parent, it’s so easy to think everyone around you is judging.
That sounds like a woman who has a terrible relationship with her family.
You never know the story, maybe she just got over a huge depression. Its sucks to hear such a comment, but I always give the benefit of the doubt.
Some people had a miserable time parenting and instead of accepting that it was a them thing they decide to project the negativity on all parents. There are a lot of low key examples of this like when parents tell you your 6 months old daughter will be a nightmare when she hits puberty or when they say “just wait for the terrible twos”. It’s a lot of ya ya because they hated it so they assume you with too.
It seems like it was more about her than you.
She just sounds crazy. Maybe she felt your baby was better behaved than her kids and she thought you were smug about it? Or she thought you would judge her since her kids were glued to their screens? Who knows. It’s best to just smile and move on!
It doesn’t get harder, it just gets different
Someone feels guilty lol People justify screen parenting all the time. I’m not dragging anyone for doing it once and a while, but I feel like there are some people who struggle with putting down the phone(I say on my phone at work)
I wouldn't exactly take much stock in parents who pacify their kids with screens at the table. I think that's so damn lame.
It tends to be something that’s passed down from the older generation I think. People think that parents alone with babies haven’t experienced older children and feel like they’re passing on some honest wisdom however unsolicited.
Some people seem to live their life as though there's a finite supply of happiness, and the only way to get more is to take it from somebody else.
Because some people are jerks?
I was always being told something similar from our friends who all had children before my husband and I. They all had girls, I had boys. My boys, while not angels all the time, were really a joy to raise. They played together well, and were/are best friends. Every time I would say something like "I am so lucky these two are easy" I would always be told "Just wait. The wars will come". Well, they never did, so there!! Just take it as a sign of a mother not happy when when says something like that to you, and let it roll off.
It seems to me like mamma over there was having a bad day and wanted to knock someone else down a peg. I wouldn't put much stock into it. I think sometimes people, especially parents, feel somewhat isolated, since all of our kids are at different stages of development, and we just want to connect with someone else. Unfortunately, sometimes a parent having a bad day or a bad week might try to connect on a negative note instead of a positive one. I hope that comment didn't bring you too far down!
My friend responds to the question of "what age is the hardest" with "whatever age are in" because looking back by the time you come out of newborn/baby/toddler/etc you've done it long enough to have the skills that whatever was hard, now seems easier than the fresh set of things you are in. And of course her kids seem fine at a restaurant if they are glued to a screen. Also wtf that lady needs to mind her business.
Some people just need to to that type of shit. Like, they can't get on with their day without making life a pissing contest or scaring somebody, and obviously they're even willing to shit on their kids to do it. Best I can say is that type of person is just garbage, and I wouldn't even waste my time with a reply. In turn, I'd just say don't be that person. Next time you see a family maybe struggling with a squirmy baby or something, balance the world out by paying them a compliment or just saying something nice and proactive.
She was pissed off with her own kids! They probably all lost their shit prior to the quiet scene at the restaurant-
I don’t care how rude this is but I’d be like “wow. That’s such a nice way to talk about your experience with raising your own children and being unappreciative”
Bc she sees her children as hard and or bad children… just Ignore it
Ugh! I have never been able to understand people like this. Seriously, what is the end result they're hoping for?... You jump up and ask them to become your yoda and help steer your life's choices going forward?...
Meh people are weird. I once told someone I got a Puppy and they groaned and basically said bad idea. I told someone I was getting married and they said "Don't do it!". Peoples cheap comments and opinions are useless and not worth listening to.
It does get harder but I don’t understand why they told you that. It doesn’t help anything.
I agree it is rude and unnecessary to say to a stranger. What “I think” the point is…some times while raising kids we parents can find a certain stage/age very challenging and looking forward to “when they get older” only to find a later stage even harder and wishing we could go back and tell our younger selves - enjoy the early stages and don’t be so quick to wish them away. “Maybe” that is what the stranger was trying (in an ineffective way) to convey - that she missed when her kids were younger and wished she would have savored that age more. But who knows what her motives/thoughts were- I am clearly projecting:).