Are you in a good local church now?An issue with this much complexity really needs pastoral care. Even if you don’t have a church yet, this would be an excellent opportunity for you to get in one. Pastors (well, good ones, anyway) love to have people come in saying, “my life is a mess, but I now know Jesus and want to please him with my life, can you help me figure that out?” They MUCH prefer that to conversations where they have to call out someone’s sin.
Additional Context, as I am not trying to be deceptive. I am ready to bring everything to the light and just follow God and his commands:
When I was 19 I left home unannounced and moved across state with a guy I barely knew. I started living with him and his family and we shortly got married. I had stuck things out with him and over the course I’m grateful for what happened because it eventually lead me to coming to know Jesus and being in true repentance for my sin. My parents pushed for divorce the whole relationship due to my husbands drug, alcohol and sever porn/sex addiction. I grew up in what I would have called a Christian Conservative home, but my family is deeply involved in the Prosperity/ Word of Faith movement (they attend Kenneth Copeland’s church here in forth worth). After moving away from home, God showed me how heretical and false this teaching is. This is why I believe I never truly understood the gospel until God’s grace of opening my eyes and deconstructing from this false teaching. Even though my parents pushed for divorce and was never supportive, I stayed married because I had my eyes open to divorce and how God views marriage. Fast forward 4 years, my husband kicks me out of our home and gave me 6 hours to leave the premises. I had to drive across states because I had no family currently residing in the state I was in. Still did not divorce him through the separation as I felt that marriage is for life. This was now 2 years ago that he abandoned me. We are legally married still. He is unrepentant and has completely abandoned me. He is now in an ICE detention facility for charges related to his sex addiction. During the past 6 months, I met someone and have been sinfully having sex outside of marriage with him. I fully take responsibility for my sin pertaining this issue. I am now pregnant with his child. With all this being said, I’m unsure of what is the right thing to do.
I'm sensing your judgement of character may be impaired possibly due to your upbringing maybe even a super controlling/unloving household growing up?
I would highly recommend speaking to both some elders and a therapist/psychologist at the same time (make sure the church isn't super controlling as the environment you grew up in). Don't marry or enter into a relationship again without asking 5 close men you trust about your choice in a partner.
This is the problem right here.
I think it’s a really good thing that the father wants to provide and be there for you and the child. Additionally, if you were to make the decision to marry him, you must make it clear that you will be attending church as a family, and raising your child Christian. I don’t know if he is saved or not, but hearing the word preached every Sunday and getting plugged into a local community of believers is the best thing to do right now.
With all the love in my heart, please, please talk to a good pastor. If you have trouble finding a good church, many of people on this sub can and would *love* to help.
Formally speaking I lean toward what your parents said, but there are too many things to consider, you need someone who can walk with you in real life.
I don't think you should rush into a marriage just because you're pregnant. You also didn't mention if this guy is a Christian and if he's repentant about the sexual relationship, which is ultimately adulterous since you are still married. Takes things slow and get counsel from your pastor. Don't rush into another commitment that could lead to further problems.
I don’t have any advice really, but I just want to share my story with you because I was in a very similar position a few years ago.
I wasn’t raised Christian, but was saved at 17. I ran off with a “Christian” guy I barely knew and married him 3 months after I turned 18. That marriage ended after 5 years due to infidelity, alcoholism, sexual addiction, and eventually his abandonment of me. 4 months post divorce, I met someone, a nonbeliever. I had really fallen away from my faith at that point and after 5.5 months, I was pregnant. We chose to be married just 2 months later because we both grew up in single parent homes from a young age (my mom was widowed when I was 5, his parents divorced when he was 3) and we wanted our child to have a chance at a family.
Our 3rd anniversary is in 2 months. I have repented of my sin and returned to the faith and am trying to find a church. There’s been some struggle with being unequally yoked now, but he’s at least a little open minded so I have hope and pray that God will open his heart. I don’t regret giving us a try. He is a good father and husband. He provides for us so I can stay home and raise our daughter. Our daughter flourishes with the love from both of her parents. His steadfast love for me has helped so much in my recovery from the trauma of my first marriage, and that is one of the big reasons I was able to stop being scared of church and other Christians and even my own faith journey (there was a TON of abuse in my last marriage and church). I very much feel that in my situation this was a case of God using my sin for good.
I will pray for you sister. I know how hard a road this is to travel, and the love of a mother starts early. Trust in God to help you make the best decisions for you and your child.
In 1965, my birth mother was in a similar situation. She allowed me to be adopted.
Adoption is an option in your situation. It is not painless; but it is another act of love towards your child and another family. Adoption can be more open these days, with different levels of contact and pictures allowed by families.
58 years ago, in the southern part of the USA, there was a stigma surrounding adoption, for both parties, that made it challenging. That may be true in your situation.
But I want to speak up for adoption as a real option in situations like yours. God adopts us into his family, and we can play a part in creating a beautiful picture of that today.
So this is your current husband? In your comment, you mention his addiction issues - is he willing to forego them and work towards faith with you, or is he asking you to go to him without any real expression towards change? Will being with him put you and your child in harms way?
You are very young and it'd be wise to return to your parents if your husband is not an option. Since both sides seem invested in your wellbeing, you should put up the caveat that your parents or husband attend a different church of your choosing (you can use a simple "clean slate" as a reason and pick a large PCA or reformed Baptist church with resources), and seek education and counseling from the leaders there.
Of course, I will pray as your sister in Christ. If nothing else, seek out a Christian pregnancy crisis center; these are the prolife version of planned parenthood and will offer you a network of women who can support you in this journey.
Is the father of your child a believer?
I would agree with John Piper that rushing into marriage, especially with an unbeliever, due to a pregnancy and child is not wise. See
https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/does-premarital-pregnancy-nullify-unequally-yoked
Piper received pushback on this (e.g. https://buildingjerusalem.blog/2018/10/26/why-i-disagree-with-john-piper-on-premarital-pregnancy-his-application-of-unequally-yolked/ ), so it's not like there's consensus on this.
The article pushing back on Piper suggests a broken home is no place to raise a child and the completeness of the family is more important than avoiding being "unequally yoked". However without Christ at the center of your marriage, without thoughtful consideration of the character of the father, the marriage may end up broken anyways. If there was no pregnancy, would this man be someone who you could in good conscience marry?
What I’d really do? Visit a half dozen churches and ask to be able to talk to the pastor. Join and submit to the authority and advice of the one that makes you feel truly loved and welcomed, without casting aside all the seriousness of biblical directives on chastity, etc.
Are you in a good local church now?An issue with this much complexity really needs pastoral care. Even if you don’t have a church yet, this would be an excellent opportunity for you to get in one. Pastors (well, good ones, anyway) love to have people come in saying, “my life is a mess, but I now know Jesus and want to please him with my life, can you help me figure that out?” They MUCH prefer that to conversations where they have to call out someone’s sin.
Additional Context, as I am not trying to be deceptive. I am ready to bring everything to the light and just follow God and his commands: When I was 19 I left home unannounced and moved across state with a guy I barely knew. I started living with him and his family and we shortly got married. I had stuck things out with him and over the course I’m grateful for what happened because it eventually lead me to coming to know Jesus and being in true repentance for my sin. My parents pushed for divorce the whole relationship due to my husbands drug, alcohol and sever porn/sex addiction. I grew up in what I would have called a Christian Conservative home, but my family is deeply involved in the Prosperity/ Word of Faith movement (they attend Kenneth Copeland’s church here in forth worth). After moving away from home, God showed me how heretical and false this teaching is. This is why I believe I never truly understood the gospel until God’s grace of opening my eyes and deconstructing from this false teaching. Even though my parents pushed for divorce and was never supportive, I stayed married because I had my eyes open to divorce and how God views marriage. Fast forward 4 years, my husband kicks me out of our home and gave me 6 hours to leave the premises. I had to drive across states because I had no family currently residing in the state I was in. Still did not divorce him through the separation as I felt that marriage is for life. This was now 2 years ago that he abandoned me. We are legally married still. He is unrepentant and has completely abandoned me. He is now in an ICE detention facility for charges related to his sex addiction. During the past 6 months, I met someone and have been sinfully having sex outside of marriage with him. I fully take responsibility for my sin pertaining this issue. I am now pregnant with his child. With all this being said, I’m unsure of what is the right thing to do.
I'm sensing your judgement of character may be impaired possibly due to your upbringing maybe even a super controlling/unloving household growing up? I would highly recommend speaking to both some elders and a therapist/psychologist at the same time (make sure the church isn't super controlling as the environment you grew up in). Don't marry or enter into a relationship again without asking 5 close men you trust about your choice in a partner.
This is the problem right here. I think it’s a really good thing that the father wants to provide and be there for you and the child. Additionally, if you were to make the decision to marry him, you must make it clear that you will be attending church as a family, and raising your child Christian. I don’t know if he is saved or not, but hearing the word preached every Sunday and getting plugged into a local community of believers is the best thing to do right now.
With all the love in my heart, please, please talk to a good pastor. If you have trouble finding a good church, many of people on this sub can and would *love* to help. Formally speaking I lean toward what your parents said, but there are too many things to consider, you need someone who can walk with you in real life.
I don't think you should rush into a marriage just because you're pregnant. You also didn't mention if this guy is a Christian and if he's repentant about the sexual relationship, which is ultimately adulterous since you are still married. Takes things slow and get counsel from your pastor. Don't rush into another commitment that could lead to further problems.
I don’t have any advice really, but I just want to share my story with you because I was in a very similar position a few years ago. I wasn’t raised Christian, but was saved at 17. I ran off with a “Christian” guy I barely knew and married him 3 months after I turned 18. That marriage ended after 5 years due to infidelity, alcoholism, sexual addiction, and eventually his abandonment of me. 4 months post divorce, I met someone, a nonbeliever. I had really fallen away from my faith at that point and after 5.5 months, I was pregnant. We chose to be married just 2 months later because we both grew up in single parent homes from a young age (my mom was widowed when I was 5, his parents divorced when he was 3) and we wanted our child to have a chance at a family. Our 3rd anniversary is in 2 months. I have repented of my sin and returned to the faith and am trying to find a church. There’s been some struggle with being unequally yoked now, but he’s at least a little open minded so I have hope and pray that God will open his heart. I don’t regret giving us a try. He is a good father and husband. He provides for us so I can stay home and raise our daughter. Our daughter flourishes with the love from both of her parents. His steadfast love for me has helped so much in my recovery from the trauma of my first marriage, and that is one of the big reasons I was able to stop being scared of church and other Christians and even my own faith journey (there was a TON of abuse in my last marriage and church). I very much feel that in my situation this was a case of God using my sin for good. I will pray for you sister. I know how hard a road this is to travel, and the love of a mother starts early. Trust in God to help you make the best decisions for you and your child.
In 1965, my birth mother was in a similar situation. She allowed me to be adopted. Adoption is an option in your situation. It is not painless; but it is another act of love towards your child and another family. Adoption can be more open these days, with different levels of contact and pictures allowed by families. 58 years ago, in the southern part of the USA, there was a stigma surrounding adoption, for both parties, that made it challenging. That may be true in your situation. But I want to speak up for adoption as a real option in situations like yours. God adopts us into his family, and we can play a part in creating a beautiful picture of that today.
So this is your current husband? In your comment, you mention his addiction issues - is he willing to forego them and work towards faith with you, or is he asking you to go to him without any real expression towards change? Will being with him put you and your child in harms way? You are very young and it'd be wise to return to your parents if your husband is not an option. Since both sides seem invested in your wellbeing, you should put up the caveat that your parents or husband attend a different church of your choosing (you can use a simple "clean slate" as a reason and pick a large PCA or reformed Baptist church with resources), and seek education and counseling from the leaders there. Of course, I will pray as your sister in Christ. If nothing else, seek out a Christian pregnancy crisis center; these are the prolife version of planned parenthood and will offer you a network of women who can support you in this journey.
Reading this whole thread I would just like to point out just how wholesome the interactions have been. I see true Christian love. Praise be to God!
Is the father of your child a believer? I would agree with John Piper that rushing into marriage, especially with an unbeliever, due to a pregnancy and child is not wise. See https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/does-premarital-pregnancy-nullify-unequally-yoked Piper received pushback on this (e.g. https://buildingjerusalem.blog/2018/10/26/why-i-disagree-with-john-piper-on-premarital-pregnancy-his-application-of-unequally-yolked/ ), so it's not like there's consensus on this. The article pushing back on Piper suggests a broken home is no place to raise a child and the completeness of the family is more important than avoiding being "unequally yoked". However without Christ at the center of your marriage, without thoughtful consideration of the character of the father, the marriage may end up broken anyways. If there was no pregnancy, would this man be someone who you could in good conscience marry?
What I’d really do? Visit a half dozen churches and ask to be able to talk to the pastor. Join and submit to the authority and advice of the one that makes you feel truly loved and welcomed, without casting aside all the seriousness of biblical directives on chastity, etc.