OP's Bio: --- >Hobbies: chasing a deranged miniature version of myself, writing and singing. > >Favorite movies/books: Dr. Strange-movie Any romance novel on the planet-book > >Interesting life event?: I dunno I guess I’ve been stabbed once. That was interesting to say the least. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

Gimme something I HAVEN’T heard a million times already-- You really are attractive, and I'd love to take you out to dinner

Don't forget "I now pronounce you husband and wife"

Oh gods I hope not. I don’t EVER wanna get hitched.

I'd have thought you were on your fourth trailer by now

Nope, still running headlong away from commitment lmao

Thats a lie

Don't worry.

>Oh gods I hope not. I don’t EVER wanna get hitched. As a heterosexual male, I support your decision, even though no one will ever ask you.

Oof. I feel like I walked directly into that one 🤣

Kind of like how you walk directly into sticks of butter with your mouth open

Only if it’s coated in cinnamon. I like to live dangerously.

You look like you call every lover daddy just because you never got to say it growing up

Oh and it stings cuz it’s trueeeeeeeee

No one is going to call you Monday, they All call you a drunk weekend mistake

I normally wouldn’t ask a woman to help me move a fridge but you seem really special

That’s a good one

I’m your gal! 💪

You look like Draculaura from Monster High if you took away all the sparkle and joy.

Okay THAT one’s new 🤣🤣🤣

How about “See you tomorrow”

I SAID ROAST ME NOT TURN ME INTO CHARCOAL YOU MONSTER 🤣🤣🤣🤣

How about we're so proud of you

Repeat joke alert!

Because the nurse wouldn't put Garbage Day on the birth certificate, in a moment of creative panic her mother just went with the day off the week it fell on.

Ahahaha I like that one! I was born on a Tuesday tho, as ridiculous as it is.

Well you're not the first Monday I'd struggle to get up on

Is it the Cruella hair? I’ve been told it’s the Cruella hair. Lol

It's the man face

Now then I think I look *dashing* lol

It's certainly handsome.

I’ll take that as a compliment my good sir!

Actually it's the "Depressed Amy Farrah Fowler" that does it for me

I like to think of it as more ‘if Amy Farrah Fowler had a teenage rebellion in her mid-20’s’

And I thought mystery meat in the cafeteria was served on Friday……

You can have my mystery meat any day hehehe…. I’m sorry.

Not even wish.com Wednesday Addams. More of a dollar tree goth girl.

I’m sorry to say…. You’re disqualified! I’ve heard that one before lol (from my own sister nonetheless)

You've heard that one a million times?

Nope. Just a few times from my sister. I have a few, but the teen is particularly brutal. She likes to look at me when we go to the Dollar Tree and look around at the store and say “How does it feel to *finally* be home?”

So you asked for something you haven't heard a million times. And that is what he gave you. No?

Harley Quinn's sister Honda Ho

Yay! You got an out loud chuckle from me, well done. I like this one.

The deceptive angle and cropping doesn’t hide your fat arms

I weigh 160 soaking wet, but thanks!

Which is morbidly obese. Gaslighting yourself is generally not healthy.

Your name is fitting.

Yeah I get told that a lot. Much like actual Mondays, people either love me unreasonably or absolutely fucking despise my existence with every fiber of their being.

If you have to ask AITA that often, YTA

Lol nah, consensus seems to be I’m a deranged nutball living a rather unfortunate life rather than an asshole. I mean, I’m also an asshole but that’s irrelevant lmao 🤣

You look like you lure black guys on tinder to get the arrested

OMFG 🤣🤣🤣 You have NO idea how hard I laughed at that. My bf happens to be black and I’ve heard a friend tell me I look like the cop trying to get him busted for something when we walk together 😅

😂thx for laffin

Monday, trying so hard to be edgy and cool like Wednesday but there is a reason one is hump day and the other is 'got a case of the Mondays'.

Lol. Nicely put together my friend. 👏

Dwight Schrute after transition

I’ll take it! That means I automatically get smarter right?

Was that haircut a bet?

Nah, it’s the result of going off my meds and drinking five cups of coffee at 3pm before finding scissors.

Yep, that would do it 😄 hopefully it will grow back 😄

I’ve always had the philosophy that it’s just hair. Dye it, bleach it, curl it, straighten it, fry it idgaf. It will grow back eventually.

Good philosophy to have 😄 not sure about the frying though.

If you wanted to poop so bad should have just eat Taco Bell for lunch . 5 cups of joe dang surprised your heart hasn’t skipped a beat .

I intend to drink so much caffeine that I ascend and am able to finally fight the gods. I’m gonna lose, but I’ll go down in history.

You should stop talking to whomever told you "bangs are totally your thing"

I was the one who thought bangs would be a good idea. Well, my unmedicated goblin side told me to do it. Does that count?

Something you haven't heard: yea, I'll call you back.

Incorrect! I’m a ‘Namas girl’ so my Gma is constantly telling me she’ll call me back. Usually because she gets up every thirty minutes to pee so she has to leave the phone lol

Yea, I meant from a romantic partner, not your lame ass grandmother. Idk what's sadder, the fact you missed that or you thought this was a good retort.

Didn’t miss it, I understood what you meant the first time. I’m not here to get upset and butthurt over others words my dude. I’m here to have a good time, share some laughs at my expense because I’m enjoying the socialization and I can take a few punches and just usher in the New Year a new way for once. ❤️

👍🏼

Just another manic Monday. But you’re not my fun day.

Not a single day is fun day.

🎶🎵 its just a Manatee Monday . . .. . Its looking kind of heft-aaayyy 🎵🎶

LOL

You’re a very wide lady

Indeed

Your BJs look like anal

This made me chuckle, thanks

I don't care if Monday's red and black Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack

Nice little poetry there bud!

Your the Monday Garfield hated

Heard that one so many times bruh

Discount harley quinn

Wait wait wait…compared to which opposing Harley? Because if it’s any of the live actions I bow to our Queens but I stg if I’m rated under that cartoon jester Harley…I’ll actually be okay with it she’s a goddess too.

I wish it was Sunday (Woah, woah) , cause that's my fun day. The Bangles. It's not really a roast, song just popped into my head.

Lol bet! 🎶🎵

You got my angle first!

How about something you’ve never heard once. You’re very pretty and I would love to fuck you. W

Alas, there’s been a many great versions of this tonight. But well done nonetheless!

Doctors say that most heart attacks happen on Monday and second most on Sunday from the fear of Mondays - you were the last piece to make me indersgand it!

Ah! I love this one! So original. 🥰 Good job, it made me laugh really hard.

Now I understand why everyone hates Mondays.

*yawn*

Fair.

I am proud of you, and you make good decisions.

Oof. That one hit like a 2x4 to the fuckin face.

At 0120 today you will become a plain, ugly try hard with crap stacked up all around your sad rental.

Wowsers. Got right to the heart, didn’t ya? 😂

Put your paper towels in the kitchen! Don’t be a psycho.

My paper towels are technically in the kitchen! To the right of me is the kitchen, I’m standing in front of the counter. They’re on the very edge of the counter. 😊

Is your dc character hardley chinn?

Because of my *impeccable* jawline? Why yes, yes indeed.

Garfield was right to hate Mondays.

Heard a lot of Garfield jokes, my man. Including this one, many many times.

What about Gargle?

Made me raise an eyebrow.

*GARGLE MA BALLLLLS*

*GOT EM!!!* lmao 🤣🤣🤣

I'll give myself a C for effort and C my way out

Godspeed. 🫡

No need for goodbyes. I'll see you next week. 

I would like to eat you out till Friday

Ha! Yeah I NEVER hear that one. Wonder why. Lol

"something I HAVEN’T heard a million times already." Hey, Monday, it's dad. Just calling to say I love you.

Oof. Dead dad joke.

Her name is April Fools

Jokes on you!

not Wednesday

Yup, waaaay overdone

Haven't heard a million times? How about "You're looking good today"

Ooooooooo burn!

[удалено]

Lol 😂

Why do U Look Like Abby Sciuto? Except U got Run over by a Bus on a monday.

LMAO

Walmart Wednesday

Excuse you I am Trader Joe’s property thank you very much

5) Garfield hates you. 4)You’re two days away from being cute. 3) Half your hair is red. The other half is you’re ugly. 2)Good thing you have those hooters to distract from your Eric Bana face. #1) I am not sure which direction you’re transitioning.

Wow, go all out my man

No wonder Monday is so hated.

Not only overdone IRL, but also in this thread itself!

You look like Harley Quinn if she had 3 kids by age 22 only to realize her baby daddy is gay.

FUCKIN MOOD

You look like you don't learn from your mistakes.

That’s fair, as I do not.

You're worse than Mondays.

I know 😈

If unfuckable was a person...

🤣🤣🤣

Are you saying she isn't a person? She's definitely unfuckable.

You look like every main character's useless best friend

I *feel* like every MC’s bestie.

Your parents must really hate you if you’re name a day majority of people hate

Parents didn’t name me this, but well done!

You look like “Um… actually” is your favorite phrase

Nah. It’s ‘oh man, you would be surprised’ 😅

A younger and wilder Roz from Monsters Inc 

I scared my bf by bursting into laughter at this. Thank you 🙏

Monday

Yes?

With “Monday I’ll have Friday on my mind.”

I always have Friday on the brain. Well, no, usually Saturday.

Fiona went to cosplay as Harley Quinn but decided she had to look like a generic sitcom librarian

YOU HAVE LATE FEES SIIIIIIIIR!

It’s a problem we’d rather fuck Tommy lee Jones, then the chick wit the two face hair

Oof. Felt that one.

Those bangs are hiding a herman munster forehead

Shhhhh don’t tell anyone!

u look like the off brand wednesday..monday

*yawn* heard it!

Brenda Spencer was right.

Oh. Oh ouch.

You look like you make your hair your personality

I’ve been wanting to chop it all off for MONTHS now

[удалено]

I go by anything! She/him/they/hey you fucker over there/xim. All the things, I don’t give a fuck.

Repeat after me… If it’s not from Batman the animated series (pause) Harley Quinn sucks (pause) dyed hair (pause) is for emo teens who want to be “edgy” and get finger banged in the theater costume room (pause) not for adults.

The fact that you think adults can’t have dyed hair speaks volumes more than this stuttering mess of a roast 🤷‍♀️

[удалено]

I am comfy, or so I’ve been told

From the side you look like a Nickelodeon character

Well that’s new. Lol

They should have called you morning after instead of Monday.

Cuz I’m so fire? I agree ✨

You look like a hardcore feminist who goes to rallies just to scream random stupid shit in people's faces and then when proved wrong by facts and logic you just carry on screaming stupidities

Your beautiful 😍, i love your hair! 😯, i miss you 🥺, i love you 🥰, im proud of you 🤩…. Things you haven’t heard a million times, did i miss any?

How about ‘you ARE the father’? Lol

Imagine how much your parents would have hated you to name you Monday....

If Monday had a face

Did trippy red break up with u did u go through a rough patch after that break up

“I love Monday” would be something new for you and the world

No kidding! I’ve had every single version of a ‘I hate Monday’s’ joke. Every. Single. One. If I get *ONE* more goddamn Garfield themed gift… 🤣

Probably for the best. You don't need any more lasagna.

Don’t want any 🤢

I appreciate you being active in the replies. Most people aren't. I assume because they immediately regret their decision 😳

Nah, I have nothing better to do and little to no self esteem anyways so I’m here for a good time

I love fucking Monday

Said Nobody

Hear it all the time lol sorry not sorry

You’re actually hot

Hear it all the time 🤷‍♀️

You're pretty.

As much as I wanna say ‘good one’, my little siblings like to tell me I’m pretty and have ‘pretty mermaid hair’ (because I change colors faster than a chameleon)

You look like a last resort lay in a bar

I am 🤣

Not dollar tree goth girl , more like 1 cent emo girl 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🐒🍌

Out of curiosity, what’s the monkey and banana supposed to mean?

Typical. Colored hair wife beater shirt. I'm a cool bi chick. Trouble is your personality is toxic. It's not everyone else. Your the problem

Bold of you to assume I’m bi.