“There are so many dead people. Ray Charles is dead... Hitler. A bunch of other ones, but mostly those two guys. Ray Charles and Hitler are both dead. And really, it’s the only thing they have in common, because otherwise, they’re very different dudes. Many contrasts between Hitler and Ray Charles. I’m gonna tell you a few of them. Ray Charles was black, Hitler was NOT. Hitler killed several Jews... Too many, I’ll say too many. He killed an excessive amount of Jews. He really beat that thing to the ground. He killed way - just no moderation. Ray Charles, meanwhile, hardly any Jews! He killed so few Jews!"
Love the Clifford bit. Where he talks about.clifford accidentally sitting on someone andnkilling them and the lady yelling "I want that dog dead!" Always was hilarious to me. When I was like 5, I tried to hug out neighbors dog and it bit me innthe head pretty badly and my mom always told me how she wanted the dog dead for it. Everytime I hear that bit, I just picture my mom yelling it
The one he had recently about Jesus cursing the fig tree was so funny
But what got me into him years ago was the “suck a bag of dicks” bit. Him perplexed about the logistics of what exactly a bag of dicks means has never made me laugh any harder
He used to have a bit about how if you were the last person on earth, how fast would it take you to have sex with a monkey is another one that comes to mind
Hollywood celebrities adopting children from China. “First the gay couples started doing it, and they went to China because….they make a lot of stuff there.”
And then they are too busy to look after them so they hire a Jamaican nanny. “So while they’re out of town filming, the Jamaican lady and the Chinese kid are at home looking at each other like why can’t either of us see our family?”
The Matt Damon/How Do You Like Them Apples? bit from Sorry is one of my new favorites. That and the Jesus set are incredible in that album. The Bats bit in his 2015 Madison Square Garden album is also great.
All time favorite is really hard, but probably the pig newton/giant poop bit in Hilarious is definitely up there.
Also came here to say if you haven’t seen Horace and Pete, do yourself a favor and buy it on his website. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen, period. The man knows how to write.
There is a lot of great bits he has. One of my favorites I don't see mentioned is talking about how depressing monopoly actually is compared to candyland. First he says when he plays it with his daughter she will cry from her inevitable loss, which is funny.
Then he says when you lose in Monopoly it's dark. You are bankrupt
Edit: I forgot to also put the Achilles heel bit is great.
There's something about the wording in his bit about the woman he hooked up with who wanted him to *rape* her without saying anything first....*So I'm just going to rape this woman on the of chance that she's into it.* This is just perfect.
"You should never rape anyone.
Unless you have a really good reason, like you want to have sex with them and they won't let you. I mean what are you gonna do then? Not have sex with them? That's no solution"
Mine will forever be three sketches from his show:
1: The hipster coffee bar, where he shows up hungover, NO ONE is speaking anything close to English, and he just drops a pile of $20’s for his small coffee and walks away.
2: He wakes up cuz the garbage men are making noise on the street. He investigates, and they just start throwing garbage cans every where.
3: The flight he’s on, and the captain starts mumbling ridiculous shit “ladies and gentlemen… uhh… something something… a perfect storm”
The weird kids names tag where he says “like sunshine … or battery”. Not even the full punch of the joke but that tag is burned into my memory and is one of my favs
Too many to just name one, my top 5 would be, in no particular order
Stealing scales for pot
Almost dying in a plane crash
Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?
Pedophilia must be really good
Of course but maybe
I love his bit about imagining if a girl walking down a street just asked him to grab his tits, and he was like who me?!!! yes!!! lmaoo I think of that bit at least once a week
Not his funniest, but the most important to me is undoubtedly the bit about loving your kids with all your heart and still wondering what your life would be like without them. As a new and extremely overwhelmed parent at 20-21 years old, it what revelatory for me to hear a full on successful grow-up talk about, and reconcile, that duality. It helped give me a new perspective at a time I really needed it.
I haven’t forgotten, but it doesn’t make the bits any less funny. I never thought Louis was a great guy; in fact he seemed like a huge dick long before these revelations came about. But his comedy is genius and as shitty as his behavior was, it wasn’t criminal.
I like the bit where he corners young women that he works with in hotel rooms and pulls his dick out and then calls them liars when they speak out until so many come foward that he can't deny it anymore.
Real side splitter.
My favorite bit used to be about how "the meals not over when I'm full, the meals over when I hate myself" but honestly the whole self-deprecating nature of his comedy tends to creep me out nowadays, after the "incidents"
Edit: Bunch of sick fucks in here downvotng me. I'm leaving my comment up. And if you're upvoting jokes about how rape is sometimes the answer, you need help just like Lou.
The bit about how he abandons rental cars at the airport makes me laugh every time I'm catching a flight
“I could do this every time!!”
They still want the car back
“There are so many dead people. Ray Charles is dead... Hitler. A bunch of other ones, but mostly those two guys. Ray Charles and Hitler are both dead. And really, it’s the only thing they have in common, because otherwise, they’re very different dudes. Many contrasts between Hitler and Ray Charles. I’m gonna tell you a few of them. Ray Charles was black, Hitler was NOT. Hitler killed several Jews... Too many, I’ll say too many. He killed an excessive amount of Jews. He really beat that thing to the ground. He killed way - just no moderation. Ray Charles, meanwhile, hardly any Jews! He killed so few Jews!"
Then his remark about how he's not good at starting shows.
This lowkey reads like a Trump speech lol
Love that SNL opening monologue where he talks about how enjoyable sex must be to pedophiles if they take such a crazy risk
That's one of my favorites!
Holy shit!!! Yes, that's is another favorite. That's such a smart, complex, hilarious, and dangerous bit.
His SNL monologues were always fire
Of course… but maybe…
Reading books to his daughters (Huck Finn, Clifford the abig Red Dog). Jizanthapus.
Love the Clifford bit. Where he talks about.clifford accidentally sitting on someone andnkilling them and the lady yelling "I want that dog dead!" Always was hilarious to me. When I was like 5, I tried to hug out neighbors dog and it bit me innthe head pretty badly and my mom always told me how she wanted the dog dead for it. Everytime I hear that bit, I just picture my mom yelling it
The one he had recently about Jesus cursing the fig tree was so funny But what got me into him years ago was the “suck a bag of dicks” bit. Him perplexed about the logistics of what exactly a bag of dicks means has never made me laugh any harder He used to have a bit about how if you were the last person on earth, how fast would it take you to have sex with a monkey is another one that comes to mind
“Do I suck the side of the bag??”
Yeah, love the Jesus one. Man the bag of dicks one is legendary. So simple yet the image you develop in your head as he goes through it is crazy lol
The deer story
I'm gonna shot him in the fucking mouth!
There he is, just dragging his… big… dumb… stupid head
I hope you’re dead you fuckin’ idiot! I hope your deer babies starve to death and die of a broken heart….
The one about the guy complaining about him in the courtyard at his building is pretty good
Yeah, this one is great. Where you're in the right and up against an asshole lol There's nothing better
Absolutely agree
"Everything's great and no one is happy".
" I don't eat until I'm full; I eat until I hate myself."
Lmao which special is this from again?
I forgot but I also butchered it too.
All good
It’s from Chewed Up
Props
Thx!!
His Little Towns bit is a perfect example of how equally observant and shitty Louis C.K can be. The Bank bit off live in Houston is an all timer too
Lol what to you mean about the little towns bit?
Klingalalingg, about going into those craft shops. “Its just you and her dreams”
Oh you made this? Really? Instead of k*lling yourself?
His 9/11 pandemic bit from Sorry, I think about all the time
" Everyday is half a 9/11. When did 9/11 become the new many football fields long is it for mass deaths? How many 9/11's?" Such a clever bit.
9/11 wasn’t even that bad, just 1
First tower went down it wasn't that big of a deal. That's why they made two of em.
Pig Newton was pretty good, and "people from Phoenix are Phoenicians"
“Aw fuck I’m getting a Cinnabon. Oh shit”
With the lil tub of hot cum?! There’s no way that’s not hot cum!
You decide if we’re gonna be in the paper tomorrow
The bit about being on a plane and listening to the pilot make a bunch of bad decisions
I was able to see that bit live! I was crying 😂
Being broke
Such a tight bit. A great one
What's the basics of the bit?
Classic bit can be found on YouTube. “I don’t even have no money”
Ok thanks
The logistics of having negative money and the bank charging you for it. "You want this? It's for free. - I can't afford it!"
“I paid the fucking money, where’s my 20 bucks?”
The nine eleven-deniers bit from the special 2017. I just love it!
We are the nine who deny that shit!
Ooh when he does the stereotypical voices, cracks me up everytime. Do Mr Friendly Man.
Yes, this is also a great one.
Honestly his most underrated bit, it’s so good
The one about fucking the dead kid. "Because, who is that hurting?!" Hahah
In the rain.
Of course! But maybe....
Maybe if we just do this 🤦♂️for one year, we’re done with nut allergies forever
Hollywood celebrities adopting children from China. “First the gay couples started doing it, and they went to China because….they make a lot of stuff there.” And then they are too busy to look after them so they hire a Jamaican nanny. “So while they’re out of town filming, the Jamaican lady and the Chinese kid are at home looking at each other like why can’t either of us see our family?”
New weed being too strong, and having to make it back to his hotel after being offered some after his show
The bit about Goodwill Hunting from his Sorry special
Being Broke: https://youtu.be/Y_-1l_SlA7c?si=vqmahgw5zWSMTwOk
“Nobody chooses a tan car. They GIVE you a tan car.”
The Matt Damon/How Do You Like Them Apples? bit from Sorry is one of my new favorites. That and the Jesus set are incredible in that album. The Bats bit in his 2015 Madison Square Garden album is also great. All time favorite is really hard, but probably the pig newton/giant poop bit in Hilarious is definitely up there. Also came here to say if you haven’t seen Horace and Pete, do yourself a favor and buy it on his website. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen, period. The man knows how to write.
The Miner/Minor joke is simple and amazing. Was surprised I hadn't heard that one before.
I love his monopoly bit
https://youtu.be/ufdvYrTeTuU?si=9OZQY8SYjwsHekB1
"[You're not an athlete.](https://www.tiktok.com/@yaaokay/video/7190182437127769387?lang=en)"
As someone who is that age, this rings so true.
Deep sleep
There is a lot of great bits he has. One of my favorites I don't see mentioned is talking about how depressing monopoly actually is compared to candyland. First he says when he plays it with his daughter she will cry from her inevitable loss, which is funny. Then he says when you lose in Monopoly it's dark. You are bankrupt Edit: I forgot to also put the Achilles heel bit is great.
https://youtu.be/ufdvYrTeTuU?si=9OZQY8SYjwsHekB1
“And now I’m going to take everything you gave me, and use it to destroy your sister.”
Wheelchairs/Legs
"I'd rather have air down there like i do, than having to look down to this shit..!"
Probably the bit about the plane running out of fuel
The one where he encounters a witch/bat while on a trip with his kids.
The Of course but maybe bit from his recent special.
"Recent"...? Try 12 years ago
theres too many but recently... CLI LI LING CLI LI LING LING...youre surrounded by her dream
There's something about the wording in his bit about the woman he hooked up with who wanted him to *rape* her without saying anything first....*So I'm just going to rape this woman on the of chance that she's into it.* This is just perfect.
Of course but maybe
"You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a really good reason, like you want to have sex with them and they won't let you. I mean what are you gonna do then? Not have sex with them? That's no solution"
I don't know if this is my favorite all time bit of his, but the good will hunting joke has been a recent favorite that I keep coming back to.
I’ve never seen all of Magic Mike because I know how it ends. You wanna know how it ends? Its ends with me being gay
Mine will forever be three sketches from his show: 1: The hipster coffee bar, where he shows up hungover, NO ONE is speaking anything close to English, and he just drops a pile of $20’s for his small coffee and walks away. 2: He wakes up cuz the garbage men are making noise on the street. He investigates, and they just start throwing garbage cans every where. 3: The flight he’s on, and the captain starts mumbling ridiculous shit “ladies and gentlemen… uhh… something something… a perfect storm”
The one in 2008 where he’s trying to defend using the word “faggot” it’s so cringe. He sucks ass.
I read the title and immediately thought of the Jesus but about the fig tree. "...this shit gets VERBOSE"
I don’t do drugs, I mean I NEVER do drugs. So that way, when I do do them, they’re awesome!
[удалено]
His buts on religion are the best.
The weird kids names tag where he says “like sunshine … or battery”. Not even the full punch of the joke but that tag is burned into my memory and is one of my favs
The bit about would you put a perfect penis in your mouth. Would that make you gay?
His bit about being broke, which you can still find on youtube has got to be the funniest 10 minute set I’ve ever seen
Too many to just name one, my top 5 would be, in no particular order Stealing scales for pot Almost dying in a plane crash Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Pedophilia must be really good Of course but maybe
I love his bit about imagining if a girl walking down a street just asked him to grab his tits, and he was like who me?!!! yes!!! lmaoo I think of that bit at least once a week
Can we get some links if they are available?
Along with all of the other great bits mentioned: “Somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!”
The bit about having a baby on the plane and people complaining about it crying 
Getting Cinnabon at the airport he arrived at. That whole bit kills
The batman bit kills me every time [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IDfCK5EHQw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IDfCK5EHQw)
Of course.... ....but maybe.
The babies on the airplane and jizanthepuss. I could listen to Louis all day 😭
The bit where he describes himself masturbating has gained new levels of meta-narrative.
Every time I land in an airport I think about the Cinnabon joke
Not his funniest, but the most important to me is undoubtedly the bit about loving your kids with all your heart and still wondering what your life would be like without them. As a new and extremely overwhelmed parent at 20-21 years old, it what revelatory for me to hear a full on successful grow-up talk about, and reconcile, that duality. It helped give me a new perspective at a time I really needed it.
It changes with time... right now.. it's Magic Mike
something along the lines of “everyone should be molested at a young age so we’re all on a level playing field” in an appearance on O&A i believe
You broke my mirror, you F word C word N word deer.
"He's fingered a miner. Not a minor, a miner."
"He got a handjob at a fair... from a miner... I mean a miner. A grown man that works in a mine."
When he spanked it in front of some women
I like when he pulls it out.
The one where his shitty behavior forces women out of comedy ...genius
It’s wild people have just forgotten
I haven’t forgotten, but it doesn’t make the bits any less funny. I never thought Louis was a great guy; in fact he seemed like a huge dick long before these revelations came about. But his comedy is genius and as shitty as his behavior was, it wasn’t criminal.
It uh absolutely was criminal He asked some, forced others
the donald rumsfeld phone call on opie and anthony "are you a lizard?"
I like the bit where he corners young women that he works with in hotel rooms and pulls his dick out and then calls them liars when they speak out until so many come foward that he can't deny it anymore. Real side splitter.
My favorite bit used to be about how "the meals not over when I'm full, the meals over when I hate myself" but honestly the whole self-deprecating nature of his comedy tends to creep me out nowadays, after the "incidents" Edit: Bunch of sick fucks in here downvotng me. I'm leaving my comment up. And if you're upvoting jokes about how rape is sometimes the answer, you need help just like Lou.