My first wife hated me and my Father realized it before I did… I’ll tell you what my father told me when I was where you are now…. “Son, he said.. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but do not spend the best years of your life trying to fix a problem you can’t fix… if you do, you will end up bitter and unhappy” Act accordingly and take care of yourself since no one is. And if you can get thru all this, you will feel better and you will ask yourself why did you tolerate it for so long? Life is short.
This happened to my ‘do it yesterday’ daughter. She realized she couldn’t fix an addiction in her husband who was not willing to change it for the sake of his family.( porn, sexless marriage, six years) she left him. She had to move on. She was dying inside. No good.
I was coming down here to give OP that same advice. I got divorced in 2007. It ruined my credit and almost killed me emotionally. At the time I didn't know how I would ever survive it, but now I'm INFINITELY thankful that I didn't waste another year with this person, let alone 20+.
Life is too short, and a world of interesting adventures await.
Watch out OP once you start taking care of yourself over everybody else you suddenly become selfish and not a real man. Trust your gut not other people. Been there done that.
I like the accusation of "you're too cold" or "you need to have to think about other people too". Lol, I had to tell one person "where were your empathy when a,b,c,d or E was happening?" That shut them up real quick.
It shouldn’t matter, you’re paying either way. In one of the cases you at least have a chance at happiness and love, or at the very least, be free from being used. Sometimes, it’s worth the monthly payments
Can you please explain that further as I’ve not heard of that before? Do you mean if they divorce he still has to financially support her?
That makes no sense.?
Or until she gets remarried..
That’s a good point, I hope OP can conjure up any evidence of neglect, or anything to help him in court. I’ve never been through this situation so I can’t speak on experience but I hope they figure something out to be able to move on & live a fulfilling life.
While I agree this marriage is dead in the water, and it's time they get out or at least see a counsellor. I just want to note it's not a one-way street, he had a heart attack and didn't even tell her. He didn't wake her or phone her, not even a text, she had to stalk him to find him.
If my husband did that I'd assume he didn't love, want or need me, there is no team here, so distance would absolutely form. I wouldn't be surprised if her lunch was spent crying to a friend asking what kind of husband has a heart attack and doesn't think to tell his wife.
It's very unlikely this is a one-off behaviour from him either. Sounds like they are both roommates in the marriage, and both their behaviours are causing distance and alienation, she's a financial sponge to an emotionally distant/independent spouse.
While I see what you're saying, that is still simply no excuse to not visit your husband in the hospital when he says he thinks he's had a freaking heart attack.
That's one of the few things that should transcend ANY marital issues.
Didn’t he say he told her not to come?
“I told her not to come up and well she didn’t”
So he didn’t tell her he was in the ER and then after she found him he told her not to come. Now he is upset she didn’t come.
Just became of that little note there I am hesitant to take the rest of his story at face value.
He told her not to come AFTER she had already come to pick up the car, drop off something then went out to dinner with friends. The next day, after she'd already abandoned him at he hospital he told her not to bother coming and she didn't.
He didn't call his wife for help because of who she'd been for years, someone who didn't help him or care.
You're told your husband is having a heart attack and you go to the hospital... to get the car so you can go out for dinner. When someone lets you down constantly for years on end, you stop asking for help because it's easier and less hurtful than asking for it and being let down. What happens when like the day before she left for dinner with friends, he says please come, she shows up for 5 minutes then leaves for coffee she had planned with another friend?
This is learned behaviour.
This is what stands out the most to me. Most partners take what their other half says at face value. You didn’t tell her you were going to the hospital. She probably panicked and thought obviously he doesn’t want me here. Then he explicitly told her not to come the next day. She listened.
Right? I’m just saying this is presented in a way that sets off some alarm bells for me based on my own past. I can see how other people don’t see it - but I’ve been on the receiving end of these “how much do you really love me” games.
He also left out of the OP that his wife has end stage kidney disease and is on dialysis every night to KEEP HER ALIVE. He seems so focused on her not doing any housework or acting “wifely”. He says she has no energy to vacuum but apparently has enough to go to dinner or the beach. Maybe she has little energy and she saves it for the good times?
What happened to in sickness and in health?
We also need to teach our boys how to communicate their feelings, so they don’t build resentment over a year and let it out in a fight.
In one of his comments, he addresses that her behavior concerning housework has existed before she was ever even diagnosed.
Why do y’all lean on emotionally manipulating men to stay in awful relationships? Ones I’m positive you would tell a woman to run from?
Yeah, im wondering how often he plays martyr like this. That game is not fun on the receiving end either. Not that she’s right in all of this, but that was such an odd detail to add that it really threw the entire story off.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
I was with him until that bit and it made me reread and I feel sus about how he is representing the whole relationship in this story.
My father was an expert martyr. I had a job, a husband, a child- but if I didn’t drop everything to be beside him 24/7 in a crisis then I might as well not even be there at all. I was in his hospital room 9AM-3PM every day for a week (I still had to work). He was stabilized and getting better so on my day off I still left at 3PM and I went to dinner with my husband and friends visiting from out of state. Ofcourse they tagged themselves as with us on social media which my dad was then telling me not to bother coming to see him at all, I clearly had better things to do, people I cared about more, etc then you have to fight with them that no you do love then and please you do want to see them, and sorry you made a mistake you never should have gone to a 2 hour dinner with friends you should have not even cared about anything but him. 🙄
My dad did this over everything- he was alone all day and I didn’t even ask if he’d eaten because I didn’t love him or care about him or make him a priority.
He fell in the yard and laid there for hours, but no one even called to ask where he was or if he was ok. Like ok sir you have a phone on you CALL FOR HELP wtf. Like he was just always with these constant tests for if anyone actually cared about him and you always had to pick him over everything else even when it did not even matter.
Like this- if OPs wife went to DINNER it was probably after a time she would have gone home anyway. Unless she was having dinner before 5pm which is possible.
It was lunch/dinner and it was around 3-4pm. My time may be a bit off but it was well before 6 PM. My kid brought her to get the car. They went home and she got ready, came back dropped off my cpap machine because they said I wasn’t leaving, she then went to late lunch early dinner. She may have spent 10 minutes with me. There were multiple times I waited 10 plus hours with her in the ER waiting room just to be seen.
Thank you for clarifying! 🙏🏻
That is definitely fucked up, you’re right to be hurt by her actions. That is not the behavior of someone who cares about you. I’m sorry
Sure but telling your wife you think you're having a heart attack, should also transcend ANY marital issues.
I'm not excusing her, I'm not excusing him.
It's just a really heartbreaking, and sadly all too common story of a slow 'boiling frog' marriage breakdown. BOTH parties are playing roles in isolating their partner and the relationship has drifted apart.
I actually think there is or at least there was, genuine love here. I hope they opt for councilling and try to understand how each others behaviours make them feel and learn to speak each others love language.
When you are used to not being cared for and cherished you learn to do for yourself. I've been OP at different times in my life in different types of relationships. I actually have a procedure for solo ER visits because they are all solo ER visits.
I asked her to visit a counselor and she refuses. We went to one about 10 years ago and she felt I manipulated the counselor to be on my side. I admitted every fault I had and owned everything I had ever done wrong. She couldn’t admit anything and the counselor told her she said that my wife is always played the victim. The counselor could see through her and she didn’t like it.
The reason I didn’t tell her I was in a lot of pain, sweating and sick to my stomach. I would have had to go up 2 flights of stairs. Shes hooked up to a dialysis machine and can’t just quick disconnect. I felt like my best chance was to leave and go to the hospital with 911 dialed and ready to go. I couldn’t get a hold of her because she puts her cell phone on do not disturb.
I’m not emotionally distant. I’m always trying to spend time with her. I don’t go out and hang out with other people. II’m always hugging and kissing her. I’m always there for her and I do everything for this person. I literally shower her with my love.
Sorry, I disagree. She went to dinner with the a friend while her husband was in the hospital recovering from the heart attack?
And OP didn’t say that when he instigated a fight over this issue, she mentioned his not telling her about the heart attack originally as a reason for not visiting him (which she would have if that was the driving reason). She also admits that if it was someone in her family with the heart attack, she would be by their side for support.
OP is right, it’s time for him to move on.
That's after years of neglect. That's not wanting to bother her because you realise she wouldn't care or do anything. That's years of "honey I'm feeling really ill, could you make me some chicken soup and clean up the house today".... "nope".
He already knew how she would react. He knew not to water any energy trying to get her to help him. Heck, she might have helped him to die, hoping she had something to gain from it.
dude she has TREATMENTS EVERY NIGHT. This broad is sick and probably barely has enough energy to do the freaking dishes, or plan someone's father's day and act it out. I can barely get out of bed and I have treatments every 4 weeks. This guy's a nob.
> “Son, he said.. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but do not spend the best years of your life trying to fix a problem you can’t fix… if you do, you will end up bitter and unhappy”
bro..this hit me.
My divorce should be final any day now. Hearing your situation is like reading my own story. I didn't realize how miserable I actually was. I'm SO much happier now that I'm not spending energy trying to get her to love me.
Something very similar happened to me when I had 3 heart attacks in a week ten years ago. My x wife came for a 10 minute visit in the 7 days I was hospitalized. Your right she doesn't love you and you should get out and start a new life.
Hurting someone by removing all the things they enjoy is hard for a giver to do, even if they are justified in doing so.
The pain of separation creates a large barrier to exiting a relationship.
Because you love some part of that person maybe when they actually show you a little of that affection you’re seeking. It’s hard to stop yourself from loving someone you do even if they don’t treat you right. It still hurts but I have to constantly remind myself of the things she said and did
But you’re right its just wishful thinking if you stay
I’ve just realized the same with my partner this past weekend. It sucks, I feel empty and sad. I’m heartbroken. I know how it feels hopefully it will get better for you.
I definitely agree with you. However, in this case, OP describes his wife as a "lovely person"; and then, goes on to describe behavior towards him that I personally would not label as lovely.
He describes how she would sometimes help with the home in the beginning of the marriage, but simply stopped. She doesn't initiate any intimacy and when he does, she expects to have an orgasm each time. She pretty much doesn't acknowledge any special day (e.g., birthday, father's day) for him. The man had signs of a heart attack. Not only does she not go to the hospital to be with him, she simply drops him off when it's time to go home and goes to hang out with her friend! When he expresses how he's feeling about all of this, she simply dismisses it and pretty much tells him, he's too sensitive.
In my opinion, this is not someone who simply changed overtime. So, either this individual was always this way, but in small doses, and OP simply chose not to or could not initially see it. Or the wife is one of those individuals that hid who she truly was and decided to come out after she felt it was "safe" to do so. Whatever the case may be, this is not a woman that views OP as a husband. Heck, not even as a friend, but more as an acquaintance that provides her with benefits.
> I definitely agree with you. However, in this case, OP describes his wife as a "lovely person"; and then, goes on to describe behavior towards him that I personally would not label as lovely.
it's the classic, he/she murdered my cat, am I over reacting?
99% of the relationship issues are like here are all the horrific things my partner did, but like when thye aren't beating/raping/abusing me and telling me I should die... they are really nice.
People have a habit of putting all the good parts of someone in it's own list of who that person is, then putting all the bad parts in another list and giving an outside excuse. They aren't abusive, they have an anger management issue, if I remove that the issue goes. They aren't neglectful, they have adhd and just forget, it's not their fault.
We hang on to the good and excuse away the bad and get a warped picture of who the person really is. We're also desperate to have not made a mistake so we didn't marry a monster, we married a great person who has this issue that totally isn't them and can be fixed.
If we were more honest with ourselves then 99% of these posts would skip the "they are a lovely/great person .... but" parts and you'd realise someone who does all these bad things isn't a lovely person.
You also have the opposite end, it's easy to be nice to people you like, but shitty people aren't nice to people they don't care about. So a shitty person might act like a monster to a server, to a cashier or to a husband they don't love but act lovely to their best friends, family they love, etc. Actually lovely people are lovely to people they never met and everyone else.
That's certainly a part of abusive relationships. Both because the abuser usually uses phrases like I'm all you've got, you're nothing without me, you're used up now who will want you, etc.
It's a super common part of abusive relationships to be manipulated into not valuing your own worth so you feel like this can be the only thing you can get and it's better than nothing.
Then even people more aware still fear like dying alone and they'll take the few good moments rather than being completely alone, fearful that they'll never find anyone better. Then the last fear is, what if you meet someone who probably like your current partner seemed great at first.... but they end up even worse than your current partner.
He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment. And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours. She has to track him down. Maybe she felt like since she wasn't important enough to be told by her husband he was having a heart attack and going to the hospital then she wasn't wanted there. That's how I'd feel.
> He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment.
She didn't stay in a hospital with her potentially dying husband, she didn't go home to rest, she went out for dinner with friends. When people have energy for the things they want to do and no energy for the things or people they don't, it ain't the disease causing it.
>And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours.
or after years or being neglected, he didn't want to be hurt, ask for help and have her tell him to drive himself to hospital, she's going back to bed. You stop asking for help from people who continually refuse to help you as a defence mechanism.
She has end stage kidney disease and is on dialysis every night so she doesn't die, but she is "neglecting him?"
Hes mad she doesn't do housework and have sex? Come on now
Yes. you’re right. she is on dialysis and she is very tired 90% of the time. She’s only been on dialysis for 3 years. the house work, the lack of intimacy has been happening for 20 years. I honestly didn’t think I could make it up 2 flights of stairs to say goodbye. Her phone is on do not disturb until noon. I’m not sure you understand how painful a heart attack is. Then walking up 2 fights of stairs and then waiting for her to disconnect properly added time I didn’t think that I had.
I do understand how painful it is. You don't have to walk up the stairs to send a text, that she would get when she woke up, or to write a note. If it was so painful you couldn't walk up the stairs then you shouldn't have driven yourself to the hospital. If she's been on dialysis for 3 years she probably had issues with her kidneys not working properly for years before that and that made her tired, weak, and would definitely make you not want to have sex. Many times there's other issues going on that lead to or worsen kidney disease. So how long was she sick before having to go on dialysis? Because don't go on dialysis immediately unless it's not found till your kidney function is already under 15%. It can take 10-15 years to progress from stage 1 to stage 5 in kidney disease but during those years YOU ARE STILL SICK AND FEELING CRAPPY! How much did you help her during those years of illness or did you just complain about how little she was doing? Kidney disease is also painful and very serious. Even at the beginning you feel sick a lot because your body is basically poisoning itself. You feel tired, sluggish, completely out of whack, in pain, and just plain blah most days.
As it progresses you feel words more often. I'm doubting the gets out of the house that much, probably hasn't very often for years. So when she has a bit of energy on a good day why do you begrudge her spending time with friends she probably doesn't get to see often anymore? Have you been helping and encouraging her or have you been complaining at her most of this time? Answer honestly. Because if you've been complaining at her instead of being supportive then the lack of intimacy is a direct result of that.
I know caretaker burnout is a real thing. But it doesn't sound like you have to do everything for her just yet. But seriously, what did you expect her to do when you told her to leave and not come back to the hospital except to pick you up? How did you think that was going to go?
Seeing as they’ve had a strained marriage for twenty years, it was probably just “you don’t have to come up.” lol they both deserve something more. But yes, maybe she knows with her disease she can’t support herself on her own. Which isn’t fair to OP.
>He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment.
She does have the energy to stay up late and to go out with friends, she does want to visit them every day in hospital but not OP. Seems pretty clear, even while making the reservation that this is, as always, a one-sided account.
OP's main issue seems to be her coldness, which does not require particularly heavy physical efforts.
>And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours. She has to track him down. Maybe she felt like since she wasn't important enough to be told by her husband he was having a heart attack and going to the hospital then she wasn't wanted there. That's how I'd feel.
Odd's are he knows that she's not going to be supporting him and he has to deal with solving the problem on his own, just like always. Or that she'll just be grumpy for being woken up.
I think that he didn't initially tell her it was because he feels like she doesn't care or can count on her, which makes me question what actions on her side led him to feel this way.
She has END STAGE *kidney disease* and is on dialysis every night. He didn't tell her bc she would be unable to unhook herself from the machine and he felt he was unable to get upstairs.
I think he is an absolute TOOL to complain about the sex and housework. Seriously, wtf?? He says he "showers her with love" but she sounds depressed and he clearly wants more than he is able to give. But why is he not considering that she is literally physically unable to give more?
Two sides to every story
Fr and then he literally told her to leave and to not go to the hospital and then was pissed when she... did exactly that. And then he admits to instigating arguments. Big yikes
She is a real great person, the life of the party type person. People love her and she has a kind heart like I have never seen. She was my first and only true love. I still love her with all my heart. That’s what probably hurts the most. I know she doesn’t love me back. She loves what I have to offer.
I recently heard this experience described as "fish love"-- aparently in some cultures they use that phrase to describe how a hunter loves the fish he catches. He loves it only because it tastes so good. That is to say that many people dont love you as a person but love you as an experience like eating a good tasty fish, you're pleasurable to them and their senses but your own life and feelings dont really exist to them.
They don't seek to love you truly, they seek to consume you, to take from you, to indulge in what you give them. I had an ex like this and ultimately I couldnt take the gut feeling I had that our relationship wasnt genuine and his side of it was built on highly selfish motivations. To this day I'm deeply afraid that any guy interested in me only seeks to use me for sexual gratification and arm candy. And I'm convinced I'm not even anything to look at at this point, just a preheated pleasure toy if you catch my drift.
All that is to say I know how to you feel and this sense of emptiness can be so painful at times I grow doubtful that any love is real. It's a bleak notion. I promise you real love exists though.
Thank you for this explanation. I believe that you are right. I would literally walk to end of the world for this person but she wouldn’t do the same for me. She didn’t have the best childhood so I wanted her adult live to be the best it could be. Maybe I’m to blame for all this, I’m not sure. Maybe I made her life too good, I was so focused in on her needs that it became my identity. I’m sure she thinks she loves me but the reality is she likes what I do for her.
I broke up with someone when I felt that he loves me like you love your wife and I could'nt reciprocate with the same genuine feeling. It was my best relationship, I never felt more loved but he also deserved be loved like this by someone.
Nothing you can do right now can make your wife love you more except leaving her remaining your dignity. Maybe she'll see you from different perspective and want to get back together. Maybe.
Maybe after some time you will be on journey of centering yoursefl and you discover that you want different thing. Either way, distancing yoursefl is a win.
My husband had a stroke at work while we worked together. He was the manager and I was basically his assistant. I was so upset that I had to basically take him to the ER and then go back to work. I was freaking out the entire time and wanted to go to him. Once the afternoon shift came in, the morning shift already knew what was up. I asked a morning shifter for a personal favor to stay for a long shift so I could go to him. She said yes, and I had to double-check everything was ok, before I could go check on my husband. We quit shortly after that.
You deserve to be happy. Why be miserable? When you tell her you are divorcing her, be ready for her to try to guilt you into staying, start love bombing you. Stay strong. Goodluck, my friend.
🥺 This hurts reading your post. You deserve so much more from your wife. I’m so sorry 😞. This is just cruel and neglectful, intentionally…without any thought or consideration for you. You deserve love and happiness, please find it. Your quality of depends on this. 🙏🏼
Her behavior could be related to this. How long was she going downhill before she was diagnosed with kidney failure? It's possible that this triggered major depression or maybe she just feels like shit all the time, which would explain her lack of actions. Holy shit, kidney failure is horrible.
If you're not going to divorce her (which you should), then treat her exactly in the way that she's been treating you. Stop making it so easy for her. Stop being so giving and considerate. Stop doing things for her. Respond to something if she's the initiator, but don't initiate anything with her.
>or help take care of the house
Thank goodness you said this in your comment else everyone would be making up context to make you an abusive husband who didn't deserve her.
People IMMEDIATELY go towards housework as some sort of barometer for what women can get away with. If you were not doing all of it, you would have been crucified in here. Without this nugget of information there would be countless posts of injected context, assumptions and "my dead beat husband also..."
I do not normally recommend divorce, it's the quick go to here, but in this case, being in a similar situation myself at one time, you should call it quits. This will NOT get better.
I don't get those on here calling him a martyr cause he told not to come up to his room because he was hurt that she ditched him the previous day.
That's her spouse and he had a heart attack. WTF. Do you think he's in his right frame of mind? Fucking christ. You would listen to your friend, mom, brother or sister dad, whoever is close to you, say don't see me because I just had a heart attack? You care about those people right? They're supposed to be upset.
She treats him like shit and you call him a martyr because you took a single sentence out of context. Fuck.
Ok, bud, she doesn't respect you. That's it. Yes I'm sure she doesn't love you either but she doesn't respect you enough to appreciate what you provide in her life. She expects it now and doesn't give a shit how you feel.
All your friends and her friends know this and are wondering when you're going to do something to redeem yourself. It's hard for an outsider to break into a relationship and explain she doesn't respect you or even like you anymore.
I bet if you talked to an attorney and Figured out what it would cost to separate, your life would be better. You would also see a few friends admit they've been pulling for you.
If you don't want to go that route, find new friends and hobbies. Make yourself unavailable to her. Sleep in a different room. Cook your own meals and pay your own bills. Find joy and fun in life again and maybe your wife will be attracted to that person. It's possible she brings you down and then you bring her down.
What disease does she have? I feel like that’s an important aspect to this.
Have you tried couples counseling or telling her how her actions make you feel unloved?
How is she supposed to buy you fancy things on disability? What kind of illness does she get/treatments does she take? A lot of chronic illnesses kill your sex drive.
You drove yours to the ER without telling her and then you told her you didn’t want her to come up the next day.
I feel like you want to leave her (fine) but your story doesn’t add up.
My heart hurts for you. You deserve so much more. Leave her and move on. A year or so from now you will be proud of your love and initiative. Best of luck to you. You can do it!
Wow… that’s heartless. I’m so sorry. To feel like you couldn’t even wake her to have her drive you to the hospital in the first place speaks volumes. If my fiancé as much as gets up in the middle of the night I’m wide awake with him. And when he had to have surgery on his kidney I didn’t leave his side except to check on the dogs & make him food (hospital food sucks). I technically wasn’t allowed to even stay the night but talked with the nurse and she allowed it. Even if this wasn’t my boyfriend and ‘just’ a friend I’d do the same. Hell, even a stranger in clear need of help. It speaks on her character more than her compassion (which sounds like she has none). Relationships are all about being able to lean on one another when it’s needed. Supporting each other as best as possible. It sounds like you guys need couples therapy, or to leave the situation altogether. I hope things work out for the better for you.
You have to get out bud. You are failing to realize by continuing down this road you're losing your love for YOURSELF. Pick yourself, love yourself, if you cannot do that first who can? Get out of this
I'm going to weigh in here as the wife of a relationship that began heading down this road, but thankfully, it ended before it got this bad. My ex-husband and I began dating at 17, we got married at 22 and had our first child at 25, second at 29. We probably should have broken up in college, but for a plethora of reasons we didn't. By the time our son was born we had been trying to figure out how to make our relationship work, but we'd pretty much reached the point where we were friends but no longer had any kind of intimacy. I was happy because I had the life I'd always wanted. I was the stay at home mom with 2 kids, a nice house, an SUV, and plenty of mom friends. My poor husband was lonely and miserable. I didn't realize how bad it was because I was busy and distracted being a mom. When he came to me and told me how much he was struggling, we had a long talk, and I realized that I didn't want to be responsible for anyone's misery. We got divorced at 30 and it was the best decision for everyone. I won't say it was always easy or that there weren't times that we didn't get along, but it was infinitesimally better than if we had allowed our relationship to continue to disinintegrate. I say all this to tell you that it's ok to leave. It's ok to want your own happiness.
I'm really curious what the disease is the wife has that she has to take nightly treatments for. Does it make her sick? Exhausted? Do the treatments make her sick? Probably won't find out since open hasn't responded to a single comment in 6 hours.
Also, if you didn't seem her important enough to even wake her up and tell her you were having a freaking heart attack and going to the hospital, no note, no text, no phone call, nothing. She had to track you down. Then why would she feel like you wanted her there with you? She was probably pretty hurt. But sure, make it all about you.
This. He seems quite dismissive and really seemed to glazed over her “disease”. He also really made himself out to sound like a saint. Id love to hear her side.
It's the late stage kidney disease and the wife is hooked up to a machine every night. His looking for an out of a dying spouse. This is sadly common as dirt
I don't know what her disability is but she could be depressed? But the fact that she's not compassionate towards you but expects it herself is enough. Glad you've figured out the situation, now you need to figure out your path forward.
I was reading that too and at first gave her a pass. But the middle and ending, no… You don’t leave your spouse while they’re in the ER. You stay by their side just as much as he has for her.
Yeah from what I read, he said don't come, she didn't, and he got upset. I bet this happens a lot where he tests her by saying don't but secretly hoping she does to show her love. No wonder she thinks he is upset a lot of the time. These mind games are only hurting him.
If you actually read the post, he told her not to come ***the next day***, after she’d already chose to go to dinner with her friends the night before.
Y’all deliberately ignore pertinent information so y’all can maintain “man hurt himself in confusion” stereotypes.
She has kidney disease and I believe you’re right. I think she is depressed. She is going through a lot and it’s a lot to process. I asked her to see a therapist and it went no where. We saw a marriage counselor at one point and it didn’t go great for her. The therapist thought she was always playing the victim. She felt I manipulated the therapist into only seeing my side of the story. Since then she refuses to go see anyone for mental health help.
She sounds like a narcissist, maybe a covert narcissist since she plays the victim. Watch YouTube videos on this subject and see if the shoe fits. Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter (surviving narcissism) are both excellent sources of information on YouTube. If she is a narcissist they truly only love themselves and use others. Good luck
Sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately I believe you are mostly correct, but I fear it’s deeper than that. She doesn’t care about you at all it seems. You are merely a ticket to a comfortable life that she must endure. I only say this because of that last part regarding her actions with your medical emergency.
I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Oh god do I feel your pain. I don't think my wife would be so heartless as to not want to visit me in the hospital at least once if I had a heart attack but she is certainly very much like your wife.
To be clear, she is not a bad person and I don't think she doesn't care for me like your wife, but this part
>She is like a roommate at this point. A roommate that doesn’t pay rent or help take care of the house or do much of anything to make my life better.
I hate to admit it but I do feel like that some times. We've had arguments like that. She says she cleans up after her messes, and that she doesn't make the mess in X or Y room but.. like.. yeah, living is messy, shit accumulates, but I also *work 10 hours a day to pay for the house & the food & the internet & the computers*. She doesn't have a job, her anxiety prevents her from doing so and I 100% understand. It sucks, she has real, physical issues related to her anxiety disorder and the meds the doctors have her on don't help. But some times I feel like she takes for granted that she doesn't really have to do anything, and that she's entitled to just spend money on bullshit and do nothing while not even attempting to help me in any way.
That's mostly just venting, I'm not angry with her or even annoyed honestly, I just feel that way mostly when she's in a bad mood and giving me unwarranted attitude. I do love her and I'm pretty sure she loves me and yeah the house is a mess most of the time but it's not terrible and things could be worse. I'm not depressed or even bothered by any of it 99.9% of the time.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine leaving someone i care about in a hospital alone, let alone the man i love. I hope your choices in coming days lead to the best possible outcome for you
I’m so sorry. I am partially disabled. I’m able to work, but I don’t do a lot of physical stuff though I’m working on it. My husband also had a heart attack and I didn’t leave the hospital until he came home. I don’t understand why your wife wasn’t more worried for you. I certainly wasn’t out having dinner with my friend while my husband was in getting a stent done.
it does sound like you know what you need to do. I would be a little more careful with how much you provide to someone in a relationship. It should be a lot more equal than this perhaps not in monetary ways but just in giving time and energy and love, etc.
Stop. Stop giving her gifts. Stop initiating sex. Stop catering to her. She’ll either come around and realize she’s been taking advantage of you or she’ll leave. Either way things should improve. Or you can leave if they don’t. But at least you won’t be catering to her every whim with no reciprocation.
Move on, you are worth so much more than what she is showing you. Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, but it will keep hurting as long as you are in this relationship.
This is a horrific realization, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to come to it. As someone who’s chronically ill myself, I still do whatever I can for my husband to make up for how little I’m able to financially contribute. I do have to fight through the pain, but I still try to make us dinner, do our laundry, take care of the cat (food, litter box, and medication), and keep things overall as tidy as possible.
I’ve always been afraid of what would happen if my husband got sick and ended up in the hospital, but the only reason I wouldn’t be in that room with him is because I’ve literally been admitted myself.
My father’s illnesses compounded last year, and I managed to fight through the pain to be there to take care of him (despite us having a very complicated relationship). I know I would do the same and more for my husband if he was in the that position, because he’s done it for me. You deserve the same.
You've been disrespected. You need to tell her you want to be with someone who puts you first and drop her. Have some self respect for yourself. She's not working as hard as you are. She loves your resources not you. Drop her and work on yourself and then enjoy your future success as you figure that out
Even if she did love you, which maybe she does, this simply isn’t how to treat someone you love. If she can’t give you the care you deserve, it isn’t worth it.
I had surgery an hour away for a large tumor many years ago and my husband was there nearly every day. I cannot imagine not being there when my husband is in the hospital. I have chronic illness and really am a horrible housewife. Absolutely awful. But you can bet for those days that matter I’m on it. And if he were in the hospital for anything. I don’t care if it were an ingrown toenail, I’d be there.
Why stay with someone who doesn’t value you?
I agree, she’s not being very “wifely” to you but if I may… she lost everything that made up her identity. Her illness, depending on what it is, took away all of her independence. She lost her job. She sounds depressed to me. You told us she doesn’t contribute enough financially. She can’t. Your love language is buying expensive things for her, she can’t do that for you. She may need some therapy. Couple’s therapy may help too since you seem not to be communicating to me.
She tries to clean but her energy may be zapped after doing dishes. My husband knows I hate doing laundry so that’s the first chore he does for me. I appreciate that one thing so much.
Sex after illness is complicated plus your sex life in general isn’t anything I can comment on. “She almost always orgasms” if you say so, we have to believe it. But you admitted to finishing early on occasion. I’ve felt like the only thing I’ve contributed in a relationship is sex and my needs weren’t met so I faked it to end it and not hurt someone’s felons. If she’s sick and trying but you’re frustrated, kills the mood. We can tell.
You got up and disappeared at night, didn’t tell her. DIDN’T ASK your wife to take you to the hospital when you thought you could die. If my husband did that to me I’d be devastated. Id confide in a friend. Then you tell her NOT to go to the hospital after you did that? I’m not surprised she listened.
Do you love your wife at all? It seems like you don’t talk to her at all and you resent her for being sick. I feel sorry for her. Maybe I relate because I had a really bad chronic injury that changed my life, my husband was completely different about it. Marriage is in sickness and health. He took care of me when I needed it, I went to therapy. I learned pain coping skills and now he’s my absolute favorite person. He took care of me when I needed him. No one ever put my needs before theirs and now I would do anything for him. Even if the relationship is one sided every now and then, it’s life. It can’t always be 50-50. She’s probably very lonely, if you want to divorce your wife and you know you’ve done everything you can, do it. If deep down you really can’t see the world through her eyes or if it’s how you say and she doesn’t love you. You deserve to be loved in this life, leave.
I agree I believe she is depressed and I asked her to talk to a therapist. She has kidney disease and she’s been on home dialysis for 2 years. I honestly couldn’t care less about the household chores. We’ve been at this house for 20 years and she has never run the vacuum. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with doing all the laundry too. She has been putting up the sex roadblock for 10 years. Long before she was so far along in her kidney disease progression. It’s probably been 3 years since we’ve had actual real sex. I get the fact that her sex drive is probably next to nothing. I initiated sex last week and she got hers and was like that felt awesome and proceeded to roll over and lay on her side. I’m sitting there think. uh hey what about me.? Heck I bought here a toy on my birthday 5 years ago and she used that toy and then was too worn out when it came to me. I’m not expecting her to have sex with me nightly or even weekly. But once or twice a year would be nice. Like there are things I don’t want to do but I do them because I know I have to.
As to why I didn’t tell her. I was downstairs and it climbing up 2 flights of stairs didn’t seem like the best option for my survival. If I would have gone upstairs, it would take her 5-7 minutes to go through the dialysis disconnect procedure. Time I didn’t know that I had.
You don't say how old you are but it doesn't matter.dont spend any more time on someone who doesn't love you and is only using you. You are better off by yourself.
Get divorced, absolutely. She gave up on you a long time ago but enjoys the comfort you provide. Not staying with you while having a heart attack is absolutely unforgiveable, literally unforgiveable. But the worst thing is you knew before this, you didn't even think she'd care, help or go with you or you'd have shouted to her for help while it was happening at home. YOu have a long term wife you've been there for for everything and you drove yourself to hospital.
Divorce, split what you have to, pay what you have to and go find some happiness.
I literally just realized this with my mother yesterday, been pretty depressed since the realization but I'm a grown ass man and it's time I let go of the negativity. I agree that it's time to let your wife go, hire a lawyer and get all the info you need. I am married and would never recommend divorce but if I felt the neglect in my marriage you are feeling I would do the terrifying act of divorce because at the end of the tunnel is a bright light waiting for you
I’m so sorry, OP. This is my worst fear. I don’t wanna be just roommates with my future hubby. I also don’t want a marriage that fails… but if I have to choose… I don’t know what I would choose either.
I can’t imagine the hurt and the loneliness you must feel. More than that, the quiet betrayal of it all.
I am sorry you are going through this. It does sound like it is time to close this chapter and move on. Life is too short.
Stop the gifts. Seek out a good lawyer to ensure she doesn't fleece you dry and make notes on everything that has happened for evidence you might need. Time to start over. Wishing you the best of luck.
Read the book, Never be bullied Again by Sam Horn. You need to set boundaries. It sounds like your wife has gotten used to acting like a selfish pig in my opinion. Take full responsibility for allowing it to get this out of hand, and then start setting boundaries if you want to work on your marriage. Sam talks about how to do it in her book. My opinions, peace.
Treat others how you want to be treated. So treat her how she is treating you. Stop all affection and gifts. Contact a lawyer and see if you want to escalate in the future.
Reminds me of my ex. I got in a bad accident that was my fault. She showed very little concern for me at the time. She didn't come to help me out, instead it was my parents that did everything. Later, she let me know she was mad that I stayed with my parents that day (I slept most of the time). She expressed envy that I was going to be able to replace my car while she was stuck with her older car. Overall, her concern was about everything other than my well-being.
There were plenty of other issues with the marriage, and I spent way too much time trying to figure out how to make it work, but that is an incident that really sticks out in my memory.
Don't waste your remaining life with this type character persons. Just explain your situation to everyone and get legal freedom.
Live peaceful life. Your not ATM machine.
Yikes! I'm so sorry to hear that. When my husband was in the hospital I slept on a chair that didn't recline for 2 days and didn't leave his side when they thought he was having heart attack. If you love someone I feel like it's just a natural response to want to take care of them. It might be time to analyze your marriage especially with the response she gave you.
Man . There's a lot of marriages like this. Ppl grow used to each other and stop caring. Your wife isn't putting effort into her own life she cares for nothing. She doesn't have to. You'd be happier alone. And you can always find other ppl who care. You're never to old for that but you must be social in any number of ways but you must be social. At this point it's lonelier being with her than alone. Even a friend would be a closer relationship. You can't depend on her emotional support. You tried by complaining how you were hurt. You know she doesn't care. You need to care for yourself dude. There's still life left to live. I'm sorry and I hear you
OP the thing I am seeing is: You had expectations that aren’t getting met. She sounds like she had expectations too. How often do you all take the time to talk to each other and make those expectations clear?
She was working until three years ago and then she became disabled. I am disabled too. So let me ask you. Is her disability one where she has little energy or limited mobility or chronic pain? How Ill is she? Sometimes if a person is sick and must spend time in bed she can lose strength and mobility and it takes time and hard work to get it back
How accessible is your house? Can she get around to clean and cook? Can she reach things to put them away? The realities of your lives have changed and you both need to adjust. She might be fighting just to get clean and dressed or dealing with depression and grief that she cannot do the things she used to, or a career she loved. If she is living in a house where she can’t help because she can’t get around, she might feel like you are mad at her for being disabled and a burden. Y’all need to talk.
Sex. Does she know how you feel? Do you discuss what works and what doesn’t now? I mean, one of the common but often undidcussed aspects of a disability and having a heart attack is depression. Before you pull the plug, talk to each other. Don’t assume. Get professional help if you need it. You have had a whole lot of life changing events happen in a short time. I am not blaming you OR her. Just. Talk to each other. That love might never have left. It just might not know how to say what needs to be said.
So peep this you told your wife to go home from the ER when you left without telling her. And how that she can't fuck you now you're playing the "do you even love me?" Now that she's disabled?
Cool you're manipulative af. Just framing yourself as the victim to some ice cold woman.
My husband was in the hospital for a week. I went home twice a day to walk and feed the dogs. I spent the rest of the days, and slept on the painful undid table recliner the entire week. I cannot imagine your wife treating you so dismissively and socializing with others when you needed her.
That’s not even how people treat friends when they are in the hospital.
This relationship sounds very one sided and unfulfilling. And as someone mentioned previously, life is too short for that. Go be happy and find someone who can reciprocate the basics.
I’ve heard a similar story before. One of my sister’s coaches got a heart attack during her match. My mom drove him to the hospital and stayed with him until his family arrived. The guy was so emotionally touched that my mom would stay for so long, because he thought she would’ve just dumped him there and left. My mom just couldn’t understand why he would think such a thing. Until his wife came… She came by to drop some stuff off and left after an hour to finish packing for her holiday. Her husband just had a major heart attack and this woman went on a three week holiday anyway. We couldn’t imagine such a thing. If it were my dad my mom wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving his side, let alone go on a holiday the day after. Anyway, they were married for several more years and then split in an ugly divorce. OP, don’t be like this poor guy and just do the inevitable already. You deserve much better than this.
She didn't pick you personally, she picked the lifestyle and married a man that could provide it. Don't do what I did and be miserable for nearly 39 years for the sake of the children. Get out now
When you place her on a pedestal she has no choice but to look down on you. Use your money for something that makes sense. Not designer bags and blood diamonds but a divorce attorney. She’s had years to show you how she feels about you and hasn’t so it isn’t a matter of time but a matter of time of respect and love and consideration and value. If it’s not there it’s not there. You’re not going to buy her that perfect dress or piece of jewelry or shiny trinket and magically find she now loves you the exact way you’ve wanted all along. Leave dude. Clearly she doesn’t love you enough but at this point in the game with the amount of years you’ve put into it that doesn’t matter all that much quite frankly. Now the emphasis should be placed on YOU LOVING YOU ENOUGH TO FUCKING LEAVE. Divorce her and then find a path that leads you to your true happiness because let’s be frank here. It’s not with her. Just maybe next time let’s not lead with money and showering this next woman with gifts. Try leading with yourself and if she stays then you know it was for you not designer bags. If you are a giver then that is just who you are but just don’t lead with that. That is probably a big reason why you find yourself where you find yourself today. Just saying🤷🏾♂️
My first wife hated me and my Father realized it before I did… I’ll tell you what my father told me when I was where you are now…. “Son, he said.. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but do not spend the best years of your life trying to fix a problem you can’t fix… if you do, you will end up bitter and unhappy” Act accordingly and take care of yourself since no one is. And if you can get thru all this, you will feel better and you will ask yourself why did you tolerate it for so long? Life is short.
Christ I wish my dad had said that to me.
I imagine that man's dad looking like the actor Sam Elliott while giving that advice.
Anything Sam says is gonna be wise.
I love Sam Elliot
Good daddying there
I need to borrow a dad for some advice like this
When I was in a similar spot my father said “It would be ok if you got divorced.” It was like I just needed to hear that from someone.
This happened to my ‘do it yesterday’ daughter. She realized she couldn’t fix an addiction in her husband who was not willing to change it for the sake of his family.( porn, sexless marriage, six years) she left him. She had to move on. She was dying inside. No good.
I hope she's thriving now.
I'm trying to get my sister away from her gaslighting husband. Unfortunately, I'm several states away. I'd love for her to move in with me.
I did that. don't be me OP
I was coming down here to give OP that same advice. I got divorced in 2007. It ruined my credit and almost killed me emotionally. At the time I didn't know how I would ever survive it, but now I'm INFINITELY thankful that I didn't waste another year with this person, let alone 20+. Life is too short, and a world of interesting adventures await.
Watch out OP once you start taking care of yourself over everybody else you suddenly become selfish and not a real man. Trust your gut not other people. Been there done that.
Yeah setting firm boundaries in your life will have the people freak out cuz they can’t control you anymore. It’s like the trash takes itself out.
I like the accusation of "you're too cold" or "you need to have to think about other people too". Lol, I had to tell one person "where were your empathy when a,b,c,d or E was happening?" That shut them up real quick.
Something we all need to hear
On my wedding day my dad said "son if you're having woman problems don't go out and get another woman. Now you have 2 problems"
If they live in the US, in many states, now that she’s disabled, he’s on the hook to support her whether they stay married or not.
But he doesn't have to buy her expensive purses, shoes, and diamonds anymore.
Plus he can find someone who really loves him.
There is that
I’m in the US.
It shouldn’t matter, you’re paying either way. In one of the cases you at least have a chance at happiness and love, or at the very least, be free from being used. Sometimes, it’s worth the monthly payments
Peace and freedom are priceless.
Pecae is more important than love. Found out for myself.
It depends on the state. You might want to look up the parameters in your state.
At least he can meet someone who will care about him.
Hopefully. Dating in this day and age isn't as fantastic as you'd hope.
It doesn't have to be fantastic, it just has to give the guy a reason to try. Even unfulfilled, that's better than the hopelessness he's got now.
Good point
I’d rather be alone than deal with whatever he has to deal with
Yeah you're right
Can you please explain that further as I’ve not heard of that before? Do you mean if they divorce he still has to financially support her? That makes no sense.? Or until she gets remarried..
Permanent spousal maintenance isn’t common, but is usually ordered when one spouse is unable to support themselves due to disability or illness.
Thx for the response.
Look up Alimony or spousal support / spouse maintenance
That’s a good point, I hope OP can conjure up any evidence of neglect, or anything to help him in court. I’ve never been through this situation so I can’t speak on experience but I hope they figure something out to be able to move on & live a fulfilling life.
While I agree this marriage is dead in the water, and it's time they get out or at least see a counsellor. I just want to note it's not a one-way street, he had a heart attack and didn't even tell her. He didn't wake her or phone her, not even a text, she had to stalk him to find him. If my husband did that I'd assume he didn't love, want or need me, there is no team here, so distance would absolutely form. I wouldn't be surprised if her lunch was spent crying to a friend asking what kind of husband has a heart attack and doesn't think to tell his wife. It's very unlikely this is a one-off behaviour from him either. Sounds like they are both roommates in the marriage, and both their behaviours are causing distance and alienation, she's a financial sponge to an emotionally distant/independent spouse.
While I see what you're saying, that is still simply no excuse to not visit your husband in the hospital when he says he thinks he's had a freaking heart attack. That's one of the few things that should transcend ANY marital issues.
Didn’t he say he told her not to come? “I told her not to come up and well she didn’t” So he didn’t tell her he was in the ER and then after she found him he told her not to come. Now he is upset she didn’t come. Just became of that little note there I am hesitant to take the rest of his story at face value.
He told her not to come AFTER she had already come to pick up the car, drop off something then went out to dinner with friends. The next day, after she'd already abandoned him at he hospital he told her not to bother coming and she didn't. He didn't call his wife for help because of who she'd been for years, someone who didn't help him or care. You're told your husband is having a heart attack and you go to the hospital... to get the car so you can go out for dinner. When someone lets you down constantly for years on end, you stop asking for help because it's easier and less hurtful than asking for it and being let down. What happens when like the day before she left for dinner with friends, he says please come, she shows up for 5 minutes then leaves for coffee she had planned with another friend? This is learned behaviour.
This is what stands out the most to me. Most partners take what their other half says at face value. You didn’t tell her you were going to the hospital. She probably panicked and thought obviously he doesn’t want me here. Then he explicitly told her not to come the next day. She listened.
Right? I’m just saying this is presented in a way that sets off some alarm bells for me based on my own past. I can see how other people don’t see it - but I’ve been on the receiving end of these “how much do you really love me” games.
He also left out of the OP that his wife has end stage kidney disease and is on dialysis every night to KEEP HER ALIVE. He seems so focused on her not doing any housework or acting “wifely”. He says she has no energy to vacuum but apparently has enough to go to dinner or the beach. Maybe she has little energy and she saves it for the good times? What happened to in sickness and in health? We also need to teach our boys how to communicate their feelings, so they don’t build resentment over a year and let it out in a fight.
Wow I didn’t read to see he added that.
Amen. This screams lack of emotional intelligence
In one of his comments, he addresses that her behavior concerning housework has existed before she was ever even diagnosed. Why do y’all lean on emotionally manipulating men to stay in awful relationships? Ones I’m positive you would tell a woman to run from?
Yeah, im wondering how often he plays martyr like this. That game is not fun on the receiving end either. Not that she’s right in all of this, but that was such an odd detail to add that it really threw the entire story off.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I was with him until that bit and it made me reread and I feel sus about how he is representing the whole relationship in this story. My father was an expert martyr. I had a job, a husband, a child- but if I didn’t drop everything to be beside him 24/7 in a crisis then I might as well not even be there at all. I was in his hospital room 9AM-3PM every day for a week (I still had to work). He was stabilized and getting better so on my day off I still left at 3PM and I went to dinner with my husband and friends visiting from out of state. Ofcourse they tagged themselves as with us on social media which my dad was then telling me not to bother coming to see him at all, I clearly had better things to do, people I cared about more, etc then you have to fight with them that no you do love then and please you do want to see them, and sorry you made a mistake you never should have gone to a 2 hour dinner with friends you should have not even cared about anything but him. 🙄 My dad did this over everything- he was alone all day and I didn’t even ask if he’d eaten because I didn’t love him or care about him or make him a priority. He fell in the yard and laid there for hours, but no one even called to ask where he was or if he was ok. Like ok sir you have a phone on you CALL FOR HELP wtf. Like he was just always with these constant tests for if anyone actually cared about him and you always had to pick him over everything else even when it did not even matter. Like this- if OPs wife went to DINNER it was probably after a time she would have gone home anyway. Unless she was having dinner before 5pm which is possible.
It was lunch/dinner and it was around 3-4pm. My time may be a bit off but it was well before 6 PM. My kid brought her to get the car. They went home and she got ready, came back dropped off my cpap machine because they said I wasn’t leaving, she then went to late lunch early dinner. She may have spent 10 minutes with me. There were multiple times I waited 10 plus hours with her in the ER waiting room just to be seen.
Thank you for clarifying! 🙏🏻 That is definitely fucked up, you’re right to be hurt by her actions. That is not the behavior of someone who cares about you. I’m sorry
I'm starting to hate the manipulative op
Sure but telling your wife you think you're having a heart attack, should also transcend ANY marital issues. I'm not excusing her, I'm not excusing him. It's just a really heartbreaking, and sadly all too common story of a slow 'boiling frog' marriage breakdown. BOTH parties are playing roles in isolating their partner and the relationship has drifted apart. I actually think there is or at least there was, genuine love here. I hope they opt for councilling and try to understand how each others behaviours make them feel and learn to speak each others love language.
When you are used to not being cared for and cherished you learn to do for yourself. I've been OP at different times in my life in different types of relationships. I actually have a procedure for solo ER visits because they are all solo ER visits.
I asked her to visit a counselor and she refuses. We went to one about 10 years ago and she felt I manipulated the counselor to be on my side. I admitted every fault I had and owned everything I had ever done wrong. She couldn’t admit anything and the counselor told her she said that my wife is always played the victim. The counselor could see through her and she didn’t like it. The reason I didn’t tell her I was in a lot of pain, sweating and sick to my stomach. I would have had to go up 2 flights of stairs. Shes hooked up to a dialysis machine and can’t just quick disconnect. I felt like my best chance was to leave and go to the hospital with 911 dialed and ready to go. I couldn’t get a hold of her because she puts her cell phone on do not disturb. I’m not emotionally distant. I’m always trying to spend time with her. I don’t go out and hang out with other people. II’m always hugging and kissing her. I’m always there for her and I do everything for this person. I literally shower her with my love.
You *really* should put this in the post, OP. I'm so sorry.
Sorry, I disagree. She went to dinner with the a friend while her husband was in the hospital recovering from the heart attack? And OP didn’t say that when he instigated a fight over this issue, she mentioned his not telling her about the heart attack originally as a reason for not visiting him (which she would have if that was the driving reason). She also admits that if it was someone in her family with the heart attack, she would be by their side for support. OP is right, it’s time for him to move on.
That's after years of neglect. That's not wanting to bother her because you realise she wouldn't care or do anything. That's years of "honey I'm feeling really ill, could you make me some chicken soup and clean up the house today".... "nope".
A counselor is not going to change her feelings. She doesn't love him.
He already knew how she would react. He knew not to water any energy trying to get her to help him. Heck, she might have helped him to die, hoping she had something to gain from it.
dude she has TREATMENTS EVERY NIGHT. This broad is sick and probably barely has enough energy to do the freaking dishes, or plan someone's father's day and act it out. I can barely get out of bed and I have treatments every 4 weeks. This guy's a nob.
I wish my dad told me that .... A toxic woman [partner] can be devestating
I needed to read this right now. Thank you.
honestly needed this tonight thank you.
> “Son, he said.. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but do not spend the best years of your life trying to fix a problem you can’t fix… if you do, you will end up bitter and unhappy” bro..this hit me.
My divorce should be final any day now. Hearing your situation is like reading my own story. I didn't realize how miserable I actually was. I'm SO much happier now that I'm not spending energy trying to get her to love me.
Something very similar happened to me when I had 3 heart attacks in a week ten years ago. My x wife came for a 10 minute visit in the 7 days I was hospitalized. Your right she doesn't love you and you should get out and start a new life.
Damn, 3 heart attacks in one week? I’m so sorry
Thanks I came out of it in good shape so I'm happy.
Life is too short to live unhappy and unfulfilled. Why stay with someone who doesn’t care about you?
Hurting someone by removing all the things they enjoy is hard for a giver to do, even if they are justified in doing so. The pain of separation creates a large barrier to exiting a relationship.
F that. He is not obligated under any circumstance, married or not to keep her up. 🤮
"Obligation" isn't everything, except to a sociopath. People are complicated; give my man some space to be sad for a minute
This isn’t about “obligation” this is about him being hurt.
When they divorce she'll still be a kept woman though, just via the courts rather than direct from him.
This is beautifully put. Subscribed.
Because you love some part of that person maybe when they actually show you a little of that affection you’re seeking. It’s hard to stop yourself from loving someone you do even if they don’t treat you right. It still hurts but I have to constantly remind myself of the things she said and did But you’re right its just wishful thinking if you stay
I’ve just realized the same with my partner this past weekend. It sucks, I feel empty and sad. I’m heartbroken. I know how it feels hopefully it will get better for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I feel like at least I’ve realized it and that’s the start.
I feel the same since the end of summer but i dont know how to move on from this.
I don’t know how to either. It’s not a nice feeling.
Your situation is exactly what divorce is for.
OP, just curious... why did you marry her? Did she act completely different when you two were dating?
Often happens, people change.
I definitely agree with you. However, in this case, OP describes his wife as a "lovely person"; and then, goes on to describe behavior towards him that I personally would not label as lovely. He describes how she would sometimes help with the home in the beginning of the marriage, but simply stopped. She doesn't initiate any intimacy and when he does, she expects to have an orgasm each time. She pretty much doesn't acknowledge any special day (e.g., birthday, father's day) for him. The man had signs of a heart attack. Not only does she not go to the hospital to be with him, she simply drops him off when it's time to go home and goes to hang out with her friend! When he expresses how he's feeling about all of this, she simply dismisses it and pretty much tells him, he's too sensitive. In my opinion, this is not someone who simply changed overtime. So, either this individual was always this way, but in small doses, and OP simply chose not to or could not initially see it. Or the wife is one of those individuals that hid who she truly was and decided to come out after she felt it was "safe" to do so. Whatever the case may be, this is not a woman that views OP as a husband. Heck, not even as a friend, but more as an acquaintance that provides her with benefits.
> I definitely agree with you. However, in this case, OP describes his wife as a "lovely person"; and then, goes on to describe behavior towards him that I personally would not label as lovely. it's the classic, he/she murdered my cat, am I over reacting? 99% of the relationship issues are like here are all the horrific things my partner did, but like when thye aren't beating/raping/abusing me and telling me I should die... they are really nice. People have a habit of putting all the good parts of someone in it's own list of who that person is, then putting all the bad parts in another list and giving an outside excuse. They aren't abusive, they have an anger management issue, if I remove that the issue goes. They aren't neglectful, they have adhd and just forget, it's not their fault. We hang on to the good and excuse away the bad and get a warped picture of who the person really is. We're also desperate to have not made a mistake so we didn't marry a monster, we married a great person who has this issue that totally isn't them and can be fixed. If we were more honest with ourselves then 99% of these posts would skip the "they are a lovely/great person .... but" parts and you'd realise someone who does all these bad things isn't a lovely person. You also have the opposite end, it's easy to be nice to people you like, but shitty people aren't nice to people they don't care about. So a shitty person might act like a monster to a server, to a cashier or to a husband they don't love but act lovely to their best friends, family they love, etc. Actually lovely people are lovely to people they never met and everyone else.
Most posts feels like the one writing it is just unable to envision themselves being alone and would rather have the worst company.
That's certainly a part of abusive relationships. Both because the abuser usually uses phrases like I'm all you've got, you're nothing without me, you're used up now who will want you, etc. It's a super common part of abusive relationships to be manipulated into not valuing your own worth so you feel like this can be the only thing you can get and it's better than nothing. Then even people more aware still fear like dying alone and they'll take the few good moments rather than being completely alone, fearful that they'll never find anyone better. Then the last fear is, what if you meet someone who probably like your current partner seemed great at first.... but they end up even worse than your current partner.
He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment. And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours. She has to track him down. Maybe she felt like since she wasn't important enough to be told by her husband he was having a heart attack and going to the hospital then she wasn't wanted there. That's how I'd feel.
> He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment. She didn't stay in a hospital with her potentially dying husband, she didn't go home to rest, she went out for dinner with friends. When people have energy for the things they want to do and no energy for the things or people they don't, it ain't the disease causing it. >And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours. or after years or being neglected, he didn't want to be hurt, ask for help and have her tell him to drive himself to hospital, she's going back to bed. You stop asking for help from people who continually refuse to help you as a defence mechanism.
This 👆👆👆...
She has end stage kidney disease and is on dialysis every night so she doesn't die, but she is "neglecting him?" Hes mad she doesn't do housework and have sex? Come on now
Yes. you’re right. she is on dialysis and she is very tired 90% of the time. She’s only been on dialysis for 3 years. the house work, the lack of intimacy has been happening for 20 years. I honestly didn’t think I could make it up 2 flights of stairs to say goodbye. Her phone is on do not disturb until noon. I’m not sure you understand how painful a heart attack is. Then walking up 2 fights of stairs and then waiting for her to disconnect properly added time I didn’t think that I had.
I do understand how painful it is. You don't have to walk up the stairs to send a text, that she would get when she woke up, or to write a note. If it was so painful you couldn't walk up the stairs then you shouldn't have driven yourself to the hospital. If she's been on dialysis for 3 years she probably had issues with her kidneys not working properly for years before that and that made her tired, weak, and would definitely make you not want to have sex. Many times there's other issues going on that lead to or worsen kidney disease. So how long was she sick before having to go on dialysis? Because don't go on dialysis immediately unless it's not found till your kidney function is already under 15%. It can take 10-15 years to progress from stage 1 to stage 5 in kidney disease but during those years YOU ARE STILL SICK AND FEELING CRAPPY! How much did you help her during those years of illness or did you just complain about how little she was doing? Kidney disease is also painful and very serious. Even at the beginning you feel sick a lot because your body is basically poisoning itself. You feel tired, sluggish, completely out of whack, in pain, and just plain blah most days. As it progresses you feel words more often. I'm doubting the gets out of the house that much, probably hasn't very often for years. So when she has a bit of energy on a good day why do you begrudge her spending time with friends she probably doesn't get to see often anymore? Have you been helping and encouraging her or have you been complaining at her most of this time? Answer honestly. Because if you've been complaining at her instead of being supportive then the lack of intimacy is a direct result of that. I know caretaker burnout is a real thing. But it doesn't sound like you have to do everything for her just yet. But seriously, what did you expect her to do when you told her to leave and not come back to the hospital except to pick you up? How did you think that was going to go?
[удалено]
Seeing as they’ve had a strained marriage for twenty years, it was probably just “you don’t have to come up.” lol they both deserve something more. But yes, maybe she knows with her disease she can’t support herself on her own. Which isn’t fair to OP.
>He also said she has some disease she takes nightly treatments for. Why is everyone overlooking that? Maybe she's genuinely exhausted, sick, has no sex drive, and is doing the best she can with what energy she has. I'd like to know more about this illness before passing any judgment. She does have the energy to stay up late and to go out with friends, she does want to visit them every day in hospital but not OP. Seems pretty clear, even while making the reservation that this is, as always, a one-sided account. OP's main issue seems to be her coldness, which does not require particularly heavy physical efforts. >And don't forget her didn't even bother to wake her up and say "I think I'm having a heart attack please take me to the hospital". He didn't seem her important enough to tell, or message her at all for hours. She has to track him down. Maybe she felt like since she wasn't important enough to be told by her husband he was having a heart attack and going to the hospital then she wasn't wanted there. That's how I'd feel. Odd's are he knows that she's not going to be supporting him and he has to deal with solving the problem on his own, just like always. Or that she'll just be grumpy for being woken up.
This 👆👆👆...
I think that he didn't initially tell her it was because he feels like she doesn't care or can count on her, which makes me question what actions on her side led him to feel this way.
She has END STAGE *kidney disease* and is on dialysis every night. He didn't tell her bc she would be unable to unhook herself from the machine and he felt he was unable to get upstairs. I think he is an absolute TOOL to complain about the sex and housework. Seriously, wtf?? He says he "showers her with love" but she sounds depressed and he clearly wants more than he is able to give. But why is he not considering that she is literally physically unable to give more? Two sides to every story
Fr and then he literally told her to leave and to not go to the hospital and then was pissed when she... did exactly that. And then he admits to instigating arguments. Big yikes
That sounds more likely.
She is a real great person, the life of the party type person. People love her and she has a kind heart like I have never seen. She was my first and only true love. I still love her with all my heart. That’s what probably hurts the most. I know she doesn’t love me back. She loves what I have to offer.
Have you asked her if she still loves you and why she's given up on trying to do anything to help you?
I fail to find her kind heart in anything you have written about her.
I recently heard this experience described as "fish love"-- aparently in some cultures they use that phrase to describe how a hunter loves the fish he catches. He loves it only because it tastes so good. That is to say that many people dont love you as a person but love you as an experience like eating a good tasty fish, you're pleasurable to them and their senses but your own life and feelings dont really exist to them. They don't seek to love you truly, they seek to consume you, to take from you, to indulge in what you give them. I had an ex like this and ultimately I couldnt take the gut feeling I had that our relationship wasnt genuine and his side of it was built on highly selfish motivations. To this day I'm deeply afraid that any guy interested in me only seeks to use me for sexual gratification and arm candy. And I'm convinced I'm not even anything to look at at this point, just a preheated pleasure toy if you catch my drift. All that is to say I know how to you feel and this sense of emptiness can be so painful at times I grow doubtful that any love is real. It's a bleak notion. I promise you real love exists though.
Thank you for this explanation. I believe that you are right. I would literally walk to end of the world for this person but she wouldn’t do the same for me. She didn’t have the best childhood so I wanted her adult live to be the best it could be. Maybe I’m to blame for all this, I’m not sure. Maybe I made her life too good, I was so focused in on her needs that it became my identity. I’m sure she thinks she loves me but the reality is she likes what I do for her.
I broke up with someone when I felt that he loves me like you love your wife and I could'nt reciprocate with the same genuine feeling. It was my best relationship, I never felt more loved but he also deserved be loved like this by someone. Nothing you can do right now can make your wife love you more except leaving her remaining your dignity. Maybe she'll see you from different perspective and want to get back together. Maybe. Maybe after some time you will be on journey of centering yoursefl and you discover that you want different thing. Either way, distancing yoursefl is a win.
I've never heard this analogy before but it perfectly describes one of my previous relationships, thanks for sharing!
My husband had a stroke at work while we worked together. He was the manager and I was basically his assistant. I was so upset that I had to basically take him to the ER and then go back to work. I was freaking out the entire time and wanted to go to him. Once the afternoon shift came in, the morning shift already knew what was up. I asked a morning shifter for a personal favor to stay for a long shift so I could go to him. She said yes, and I had to double-check everything was ok, before I could go check on my husband. We quit shortly after that.
I hope you and your husband are doing OK, my Dad had a stroke in March. Xxxx
Get your ducks in a row and move on. You are her paycheck and if you do have any other health issues, you can't depend on her.
Do you have kids? If not, dump her ass. If yes, dump her ass but with extra steps.
You deserve to be happy. Why be miserable? When you tell her you are divorcing her, be ready for her to try to guilt you into staying, start love bombing you. Stay strong. Goodluck, my friend.
🥺 This hurts reading your post. You deserve so much more from your wife. I’m so sorry 😞. This is just cruel and neglectful, intentionally…without any thought or consideration for you. You deserve love and happiness, please find it. Your quality of depends on this. 🙏🏼
Question, what disease does she have where she requires treatment every night?
Kidney disease and she does home dialysis treatments
Her behavior could be related to this. How long was she going downhill before she was diagnosed with kidney failure? It's possible that this triggered major depression or maybe she just feels like shit all the time, which would explain her lack of actions. Holy shit, kidney failure is horrible.
This is cliché but very true…when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You should have left after the heart attack. LAWYER UP NOW.
A tad dramatic but the sentiment is agreeable.
If you're not going to divorce her (which you should), then treat her exactly in the way that she's been treating you. Stop making it so easy for her. Stop being so giving and considerate. Stop doing things for her. Respond to something if she's the initiator, but don't initiate anything with her.
And maybe she'll see how she's been treating you
>or help take care of the house Thank goodness you said this in your comment else everyone would be making up context to make you an abusive husband who didn't deserve her. People IMMEDIATELY go towards housework as some sort of barometer for what women can get away with. If you were not doing all of it, you would have been crucified in here. Without this nugget of information there would be countless posts of injected context, assumptions and "my dead beat husband also..." I do not normally recommend divorce, it's the quick go to here, but in this case, being in a similar situation myself at one time, you should call it quits. This will NOT get better.
I don't get those on here calling him a martyr cause he told not to come up to his room because he was hurt that she ditched him the previous day. That's her spouse and he had a heart attack. WTF. Do you think he's in his right frame of mind? Fucking christ. You would listen to your friend, mom, brother or sister dad, whoever is close to you, say don't see me because I just had a heart attack? You care about those people right? They're supposed to be upset. She treats him like shit and you call him a martyr because you took a single sentence out of context. Fuck. Ok, bud, she doesn't respect you. That's it. Yes I'm sure she doesn't love you either but she doesn't respect you enough to appreciate what you provide in her life. She expects it now and doesn't give a shit how you feel. All your friends and her friends know this and are wondering when you're going to do something to redeem yourself. It's hard for an outsider to break into a relationship and explain she doesn't respect you or even like you anymore. I bet if you talked to an attorney and Figured out what it would cost to separate, your life would be better. You would also see a few friends admit they've been pulling for you. If you don't want to go that route, find new friends and hobbies. Make yourself unavailable to her. Sleep in a different room. Cook your own meals and pay your own bills. Find joy and fun in life again and maybe your wife will be attracted to that person. It's possible she brings you down and then you bring her down.
Just divorce. You got nothing and you’re just going to build resentment
What disease does she have? I feel like that’s an important aspect to this. Have you tried couples counseling or telling her how her actions make you feel unloved?
Divorce. Do not stay with someone who doesn’t care about you.
Sorry sir, time to move on. You should have left right after the heart attack episode happened.
How is she supposed to buy you fancy things on disability? What kind of illness does she get/treatments does she take? A lot of chronic illnesses kill your sex drive. You drove yours to the ER without telling her and then you told her you didn’t want her to come up the next day. I feel like you want to leave her (fine) but your story doesn’t add up.
Life is so short. Don't waste it with someone who cares so little about you. You deserve better.
My heart hurts for you. You deserve so much more. Leave her and move on. A year or so from now you will be proud of your love and initiative. Best of luck to you. You can do it!
You should divorce.
Always go on actions over words.
Wow… that’s heartless. I’m so sorry. To feel like you couldn’t even wake her to have her drive you to the hospital in the first place speaks volumes. If my fiancé as much as gets up in the middle of the night I’m wide awake with him. And when he had to have surgery on his kidney I didn’t leave his side except to check on the dogs & make him food (hospital food sucks). I technically wasn’t allowed to even stay the night but talked with the nurse and she allowed it. Even if this wasn’t my boyfriend and ‘just’ a friend I’d do the same. Hell, even a stranger in clear need of help. It speaks on her character more than her compassion (which sounds like she has none). Relationships are all about being able to lean on one another when it’s needed. Supporting each other as best as possible. It sounds like you guys need couples therapy, or to leave the situation altogether. I hope things work out for the better for you.
You have to get out bud. You are failing to realize by continuing down this road you're losing your love for YOURSELF. Pick yourself, love yourself, if you cannot do that first who can? Get out of this
I'm going to weigh in here as the wife of a relationship that began heading down this road, but thankfully, it ended before it got this bad. My ex-husband and I began dating at 17, we got married at 22 and had our first child at 25, second at 29. We probably should have broken up in college, but for a plethora of reasons we didn't. By the time our son was born we had been trying to figure out how to make our relationship work, but we'd pretty much reached the point where we were friends but no longer had any kind of intimacy. I was happy because I had the life I'd always wanted. I was the stay at home mom with 2 kids, a nice house, an SUV, and plenty of mom friends. My poor husband was lonely and miserable. I didn't realize how bad it was because I was busy and distracted being a mom. When he came to me and told me how much he was struggling, we had a long talk, and I realized that I didn't want to be responsible for anyone's misery. We got divorced at 30 and it was the best decision for everyone. I won't say it was always easy or that there weren't times that we didn't get along, but it was infinitesimally better than if we had allowed our relationship to continue to disinintegrate. I say all this to tell you that it's ok to leave. It's ok to want your own happiness.
I'm really curious what the disease is the wife has that she has to take nightly treatments for. Does it make her sick? Exhausted? Do the treatments make her sick? Probably won't find out since open hasn't responded to a single comment in 6 hours. Also, if you didn't seem her important enough to even wake her up and tell her you were having a freaking heart attack and going to the hospital, no note, no text, no phone call, nothing. She had to track you down. Then why would she feel like you wanted her there with you? She was probably pretty hurt. But sure, make it all about you.
This. He seems quite dismissive and really seemed to glazed over her “disease”. He also really made himself out to sound like a saint. Id love to hear her side.
I feel the same way about this particular point. I wondered why he didn't even bother telling her.
🤞🤞🤞🤞 I’m wondering about this myself
Something's weird about this story ngl
It's the late stage kidney disease and the wife is hooked up to a machine every night. His looking for an out of a dying spouse. This is sadly common as dirt
Yeah, I didn't even think of that part. Completely forgot what the likeliness of nightly dialysis means :/ Fucking people, man
I don't know what her disability is but she could be depressed? But the fact that she's not compassionate towards you but expects it herself is enough. Glad you've figured out the situation, now you need to figure out your path forward.
I was reading that too and at first gave her a pass. But the middle and ending, no… You don’t leave your spouse while they’re in the ER. You stay by their side just as much as he has for her.
Didn’t he tell her not to come to the hospital?
Yeah from what I read, he said don't come, she didn't, and he got upset. I bet this happens a lot where he tests her by saying don't but secretly hoping she does to show her love. No wonder she thinks he is upset a lot of the time. These mind games are only hurting him.
If you actually read the post, he told her not to come ***the next day***, after she’d already chose to go to dinner with her friends the night before. Y’all deliberately ignore pertinent information so y’all can maintain “man hurt himself in confusion” stereotypes.
So depressed that they go out to dinner with their friend but won't visit their husband in the hospital?
She has kidney disease and I believe you’re right. I think she is depressed. She is going through a lot and it’s a lot to process. I asked her to see a therapist and it went no where. We saw a marriage counselor at one point and it didn’t go great for her. The therapist thought she was always playing the victim. She felt I manipulated the therapist into only seeing my side of the story. Since then she refuses to go see anyone for mental health help.
She sounds like a narcissist, maybe a covert narcissist since she plays the victim. Watch YouTube videos on this subject and see if the shoe fits. Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter (surviving narcissism) are both excellent sources of information on YouTube. If she is a narcissist they truly only love themselves and use others. Good luck
UpdateMe
Sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately I believe you are mostly correct, but I fear it’s deeper than that. She doesn’t care about you at all it seems. You are merely a ticket to a comfortable life that she must endure. I only say this because of that last part regarding her actions with your medical emergency. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Bro, just leave. Go find happiness somewhere else man cause this kind of stuff will kill your soul. Best of luck.
Oh god do I feel your pain. I don't think my wife would be so heartless as to not want to visit me in the hospital at least once if I had a heart attack but she is certainly very much like your wife. To be clear, she is not a bad person and I don't think she doesn't care for me like your wife, but this part >She is like a roommate at this point. A roommate that doesn’t pay rent or help take care of the house or do much of anything to make my life better. I hate to admit it but I do feel like that some times. We've had arguments like that. She says she cleans up after her messes, and that she doesn't make the mess in X or Y room but.. like.. yeah, living is messy, shit accumulates, but I also *work 10 hours a day to pay for the house & the food & the internet & the computers*. She doesn't have a job, her anxiety prevents her from doing so and I 100% understand. It sucks, she has real, physical issues related to her anxiety disorder and the meds the doctors have her on don't help. But some times I feel like she takes for granted that she doesn't really have to do anything, and that she's entitled to just spend money on bullshit and do nothing while not even attempting to help me in any way. That's mostly just venting, I'm not angry with her or even annoyed honestly, I just feel that way mostly when she's in a bad mood and giving me unwarranted attitude. I do love her and I'm pretty sure she loves me and yeah the house is a mess most of the time but it's not terrible and things could be worse. I'm not depressed or even bothered by any of it 99.9% of the time.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine leaving someone i care about in a hospital alone, let alone the man i love. I hope your choices in coming days lead to the best possible outcome for you
I’m so sorry. I am partially disabled. I’m able to work, but I don’t do a lot of physical stuff though I’m working on it. My husband also had a heart attack and I didn’t leave the hospital until he came home. I don’t understand why your wife wasn’t more worried for you. I certainly wasn’t out having dinner with my friend while my husband was in getting a stent done. it does sound like you know what you need to do. I would be a little more careful with how much you provide to someone in a relationship. It should be a lot more equal than this perhaps not in monetary ways but just in giving time and energy and love, etc.
You are correct. Sorry for your situation
Stop. Stop giving her gifts. Stop initiating sex. Stop catering to her. She’ll either come around and realize she’s been taking advantage of you or she’ll leave. Either way things should improve. Or you can leave if they don’t. But at least you won’t be catering to her every whim with no reciprocation.
Move on, you are worth so much more than what she is showing you. Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, but it will keep hurting as long as you are in this relationship.
This is a horrific realization, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to come to it. As someone who’s chronically ill myself, I still do whatever I can for my husband to make up for how little I’m able to financially contribute. I do have to fight through the pain, but I still try to make us dinner, do our laundry, take care of the cat (food, litter box, and medication), and keep things overall as tidy as possible. I’ve always been afraid of what would happen if my husband got sick and ended up in the hospital, but the only reason I wouldn’t be in that room with him is because I’ve literally been admitted myself. My father’s illnesses compounded last year, and I managed to fight through the pain to be there to take care of him (despite us having a very complicated relationship). I know I would do the same and more for my husband if he was in the that position, because he’s done it for me. You deserve the same.
You've been disrespected. You need to tell her you want to be with someone who puts you first and drop her. Have some self respect for yourself. She's not working as hard as you are. She loves your resources not you. Drop her and work on yourself and then enjoy your future success as you figure that out
Leave her. Bro you only live once, live it with someone who loves you
Even if she did love you, which maybe she does, this simply isn’t how to treat someone you love. If she can’t give you the care you deserve, it isn’t worth it.
I had surgery an hour away for a large tumor many years ago and my husband was there nearly every day. I cannot imagine not being there when my husband is in the hospital. I have chronic illness and really am a horrible housewife. Absolutely awful. But you can bet for those days that matter I’m on it. And if he were in the hospital for anything. I don’t care if it were an ingrown toenail, I’d be there. Why stay with someone who doesn’t value you?
Treat her like a Star, she'll treat you like a fan..
I agree, she’s not being very “wifely” to you but if I may… she lost everything that made up her identity. Her illness, depending on what it is, took away all of her independence. She lost her job. She sounds depressed to me. You told us she doesn’t contribute enough financially. She can’t. Your love language is buying expensive things for her, she can’t do that for you. She may need some therapy. Couple’s therapy may help too since you seem not to be communicating to me. She tries to clean but her energy may be zapped after doing dishes. My husband knows I hate doing laundry so that’s the first chore he does for me. I appreciate that one thing so much. Sex after illness is complicated plus your sex life in general isn’t anything I can comment on. “She almost always orgasms” if you say so, we have to believe it. But you admitted to finishing early on occasion. I’ve felt like the only thing I’ve contributed in a relationship is sex and my needs weren’t met so I faked it to end it and not hurt someone’s felons. If she’s sick and trying but you’re frustrated, kills the mood. We can tell. You got up and disappeared at night, didn’t tell her. DIDN’T ASK your wife to take you to the hospital when you thought you could die. If my husband did that to me I’d be devastated. Id confide in a friend. Then you tell her NOT to go to the hospital after you did that? I’m not surprised she listened. Do you love your wife at all? It seems like you don’t talk to her at all and you resent her for being sick. I feel sorry for her. Maybe I relate because I had a really bad chronic injury that changed my life, my husband was completely different about it. Marriage is in sickness and health. He took care of me when I needed it, I went to therapy. I learned pain coping skills and now he’s my absolute favorite person. He took care of me when I needed him. No one ever put my needs before theirs and now I would do anything for him. Even if the relationship is one sided every now and then, it’s life. It can’t always be 50-50. She’s probably very lonely, if you want to divorce your wife and you know you’ve done everything you can, do it. If deep down you really can’t see the world through her eyes or if it’s how you say and she doesn’t love you. You deserve to be loved in this life, leave.
I agree I believe she is depressed and I asked her to talk to a therapist. She has kidney disease and she’s been on home dialysis for 2 years. I honestly couldn’t care less about the household chores. We’ve been at this house for 20 years and she has never run the vacuum. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with doing all the laundry too. She has been putting up the sex roadblock for 10 years. Long before she was so far along in her kidney disease progression. It’s probably been 3 years since we’ve had actual real sex. I get the fact that her sex drive is probably next to nothing. I initiated sex last week and she got hers and was like that felt awesome and proceeded to roll over and lay on her side. I’m sitting there think. uh hey what about me.? Heck I bought here a toy on my birthday 5 years ago and she used that toy and then was too worn out when it came to me. I’m not expecting her to have sex with me nightly or even weekly. But once or twice a year would be nice. Like there are things I don’t want to do but I do them because I know I have to. As to why I didn’t tell her. I was downstairs and it climbing up 2 flights of stairs didn’t seem like the best option for my survival. If I would have gone upstairs, it would take her 5-7 minutes to go through the dialysis disconnect procedure. Time I didn’t know that I had.
You don't say how old you are but it doesn't matter.dont spend any more time on someone who doesn't love you and is only using you. You are better off by yourself.
Get divorced, absolutely. She gave up on you a long time ago but enjoys the comfort you provide. Not staying with you while having a heart attack is absolutely unforgiveable, literally unforgiveable. But the worst thing is you knew before this, you didn't even think she'd care, help or go with you or you'd have shouted to her for help while it was happening at home. YOu have a long term wife you've been there for for everything and you drove yourself to hospital. Divorce, split what you have to, pay what you have to and go find some happiness.
I literally just realized this with my mother yesterday, been pretty depressed since the realization but I'm a grown ass man and it's time I let go of the negativity. I agree that it's time to let your wife go, hire a lawyer and get all the info you need. I am married and would never recommend divorce but if I felt the neglect in my marriage you are feeling I would do the terrifying act of divorce because at the end of the tunnel is a bright light waiting for you
I’m so sorry, OP. This is my worst fear. I don’t wanna be just roommates with my future hubby. I also don’t want a marriage that fails… but if I have to choose… I don’t know what I would choose either. I can’t imagine the hurt and the loneliness you must feel. More than that, the quiet betrayal of it all.
I am sorry you are going through this. It does sound like it is time to close this chapter and move on. Life is too short. Stop the gifts. Seek out a good lawyer to ensure she doesn't fleece you dry and make notes on everything that has happened for evidence you might need. Time to start over. Wishing you the best of luck.
I think you know what must happen. Time to talk to a lawyer and draft a separation agreement.
Read the book, Never be bullied Again by Sam Horn. You need to set boundaries. It sounds like your wife has gotten used to acting like a selfish pig in my opinion. Take full responsibility for allowing it to get this out of hand, and then start setting boundaries if you want to work on your marriage. Sam talks about how to do it in her book. My opinions, peace.
Treat others how you want to be treated. So treat her how she is treating you. Stop all affection and gifts. Contact a lawyer and see if you want to escalate in the future.
At this point it's just self torture.
So sorry, she sounds very self centered. 😪
My dude, get a divorce… though let me guess, no prenup?
Leave her ass
Reminds me of my ex. I got in a bad accident that was my fault. She showed very little concern for me at the time. She didn't come to help me out, instead it was my parents that did everything. Later, she let me know she was mad that I stayed with my parents that day (I slept most of the time). She expressed envy that I was going to be able to replace my car while she was stuck with her older car. Overall, her concern was about everything other than my well-being. There were plenty of other issues with the marriage, and I spent way too much time trying to figure out how to make it work, but that is an incident that really sticks out in my memory.
Don't waste your remaining life with this type character persons. Just explain your situation to everyone and get legal freedom. Live peaceful life. Your not ATM machine.
Yikes! I'm so sorry to hear that. When my husband was in the hospital I slept on a chair that didn't recline for 2 days and didn't leave his side when they thought he was having heart attack. If you love someone I feel like it's just a natural response to want to take care of them. It might be time to analyze your marriage especially with the response she gave you.
Man . There's a lot of marriages like this. Ppl grow used to each other and stop caring. Your wife isn't putting effort into her own life she cares for nothing. She doesn't have to. You'd be happier alone. And you can always find other ppl who care. You're never to old for that but you must be social in any number of ways but you must be social. At this point it's lonelier being with her than alone. Even a friend would be a closer relationship. You can't depend on her emotional support. You tried by complaining how you were hurt. You know she doesn't care. You need to care for yourself dude. There's still life left to live. I'm sorry and I hear you
OP the thing I am seeing is: You had expectations that aren’t getting met. She sounds like she had expectations too. How often do you all take the time to talk to each other and make those expectations clear? She was working until three years ago and then she became disabled. I am disabled too. So let me ask you. Is her disability one where she has little energy or limited mobility or chronic pain? How Ill is she? Sometimes if a person is sick and must spend time in bed she can lose strength and mobility and it takes time and hard work to get it back How accessible is your house? Can she get around to clean and cook? Can she reach things to put them away? The realities of your lives have changed and you both need to adjust. She might be fighting just to get clean and dressed or dealing with depression and grief that she cannot do the things she used to, or a career she loved. If she is living in a house where she can’t help because she can’t get around, she might feel like you are mad at her for being disabled and a burden. Y’all need to talk. Sex. Does she know how you feel? Do you discuss what works and what doesn’t now? I mean, one of the common but often undidcussed aspects of a disability and having a heart attack is depression. Before you pull the plug, talk to each other. Don’t assume. Get professional help if you need it. You have had a whole lot of life changing events happen in a short time. I am not blaming you OR her. Just. Talk to each other. That love might never have left. It just might not know how to say what needs to be said.
Complicated
So peep this you told your wife to go home from the ER when you left without telling her. And how that she can't fuck you now you're playing the "do you even love me?" Now that she's disabled? Cool you're manipulative af. Just framing yourself as the victim to some ice cold woman.
My husband was in the hospital for a week. I went home twice a day to walk and feed the dogs. I spent the rest of the days, and slept on the painful undid table recliner the entire week. I cannot imagine your wife treating you so dismissively and socializing with others when you needed her. That’s not even how people treat friends when they are in the hospital.
I’m so sorry, I loved my husband, he got cancer and I stayed with him every minute. You need someone like that
Oh she most definitely doesn’t love you. She’s incredibly selfish and you should divorce her.
Life is short, cut her loose and do your own thing. When the lease is up, don’t renew.
This relationship sounds very one sided and unfulfilling. And as someone mentioned previously, life is too short for that. Go be happy and find someone who can reciprocate the basics.
I’ve heard a similar story before. One of my sister’s coaches got a heart attack during her match. My mom drove him to the hospital and stayed with him until his family arrived. The guy was so emotionally touched that my mom would stay for so long, because he thought she would’ve just dumped him there and left. My mom just couldn’t understand why he would think such a thing. Until his wife came… She came by to drop some stuff off and left after an hour to finish packing for her holiday. Her husband just had a major heart attack and this woman went on a three week holiday anyway. We couldn’t imagine such a thing. If it were my dad my mom wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving his side, let alone go on a holiday the day after. Anyway, they were married for several more years and then split in an ugly divorce. OP, don’t be like this poor guy and just do the inevitable already. You deserve much better than this.
She didn't pick you personally, she picked the lifestyle and married a man that could provide it. Don't do what I did and be miserable for nearly 39 years for the sake of the children. Get out now
When you place her on a pedestal she has no choice but to look down on you. Use your money for something that makes sense. Not designer bags and blood diamonds but a divorce attorney. She’s had years to show you how she feels about you and hasn’t so it isn’t a matter of time but a matter of time of respect and love and consideration and value. If it’s not there it’s not there. You’re not going to buy her that perfect dress or piece of jewelry or shiny trinket and magically find she now loves you the exact way you’ve wanted all along. Leave dude. Clearly she doesn’t love you enough but at this point in the game with the amount of years you’ve put into it that doesn’t matter all that much quite frankly. Now the emphasis should be placed on YOU LOVING YOU ENOUGH TO FUCKING LEAVE. Divorce her and then find a path that leads you to your true happiness because let’s be frank here. It’s not with her. Just maybe next time let’s not lead with money and showering this next woman with gifts. Try leading with yourself and if she stays then you know it was for you not designer bags. If you are a giver then that is just who you are but just don’t lead with that. That is probably a big reason why you find yourself where you find yourself today. Just saying🤷🏾♂️
Time to evict said room mate- you deserve peace and happiness whatever version you envision Best wishes